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What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 3 is UpTopic%20Title

Detective... Well, not yet.

Gender: None specified

Rank: Desk Jockey

Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:08 pm

Posts: 60

SPOILERS for the first three games.
WARNING: I do not follow the storyline correctly so a lot of it contradicts the storyline, sorry.

Spoiler: Chapter 1
Chapter 1

Iris walked from door to door, from corridor to corridor. She was finally going to be released from jail and all she wanted to do was see Feenie. When she finally smelled the prewinter air outside, she saw Phoenix standing under the moon, leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. Under his coat, you can see a little bit of the sweater Iris knit for him, someone sewed it again to make it fit. He was also wearing the scarf she knit for him, she smiled and went up and tapped him on the shoulder. He opened his eyes and said “Iris…”

“Feenie…” She hugged him and started crying while Phoenix took off his coat and put it over Iris. “Do you want to come over to my house for the night?”
“H-House?” Iris asked.
“After the case, I got a lot more cases and now I can pay for a lot of things.” Phoenix laughed and called for a Taxi, thinking that awkward silence means yes.

After the awkward silence in the Taxi (in which the driver tried to break many times and was rewarded by MORE awkward stares), they reached the fancy home of Phoenix. As soon as the door opened, warmth bursted out and immeaditely so Iris was kept warm for a long time. Suddenly a young girl bursted out of nowhere and saluted and she said “Hello sir!”

“Maggey! It’s your break, what are you doing up so late?” Phoenix frowned. Maggey looked down and said “I’m sorry, sir. I’m just so grateful that you hired me and I only have to work for three hours every day.”

“It’s alright; now go back to your room.” Phoenix shooed and Maggey ran up the stairs, five minutes later they could still hear the foot steps so Phoenix walked to the stairs and yelled “WHY DON’T YOU TAKE THE SHORT STAIRS?!?”… But Maggey didn’t hear so for another few minutes they heard the faint steps fall away.

“Ummm… So, how are you Feenie?” Iris asked, avoiding eye contact by looking at the sweater.
“I’m fine, how are you?” Phoenix asked.
“I’m okay, the food was enough to-” Her stomach groaned and her face turned red.
“I’ll go fix something up,” Phoenix smiled.

Iris looked around the giant living room and sat down on a leather sofa and she thought about her feelings, she liked him and… well maybe it was love him…


Spoiler: Chapter 2
Chapter 2

"Hey Feenie?"
"Hmmm?" Phoenix lifted his head.
"How did you afford such a fancy house? Apart from all the cases, I doubt that in one year, you'd be so rich." Iris blushed.
"You're right, I only got so rich because I did different work everyday," Phoenix looked down. "This was supposed to impress you, but now it's the house that helps Gumshoe, Maggey and a lot of other underpaid people to work."
"Y-You tried to impress me?" Iris asked as her face turned redder.
Phoenix smiled "Iris," he was at lost of words.

Iris sat down on another chair (All the kitchen chairs were wooden (Phoenix is still cheap!)) and waited for someone to break the silence. After half an hour, Phoenix finished the Vegetable Soup and Bread.
"It could've been worse..." Phoenix said sheepishly.
"No, no! It's perfect!" Iris said as she waited for the soup to cool down.

"Was the jail bed comfortable?" Phoenix asked.
"It was enough to manage on," Iris smiled and yet, another silence occured.
Finally, Iris began drinking the soup, and it was actually delicious! She wasn't expecting it from Phoenix... no offense to him or anything. She accidently splashed soup all over herself and her face turned red (she normally had good eating manners but today she was so nervous) and the stain remained on her white shirt.

I’ll get you some clothing to wear, Phoenix smiled and went to Maggey’s room and after five minutes, he came back with a pink T-Shirt and gave it to her, and she was going to the bathroom and she noticed Phoenix following her.

“You aren’t going to follow me… a-are you?” she asked.
“No! Sorry, it’s just that-” Phoenix said, his face red.
“It’s Okay, I understand.” Iris said, even though she didn’t and went to the door that said bathroom on it. She undressed and got the new shirt on and thought, ‘Does he love me back?’


Spoiler: Chapter 3
Chapter 3

Phoenix and Iris were both watching TV, the bad thing was- they were both blushing from watching Romance Movies (A/N: Stupid midnight movies!)
It was not long before Iris leaned onto Wright's shoulder and his face became red as a tomato- and Iris fell asleep.

"Oh crap..." he whispered. Iris was... a light sleepr and now she's sleeping on his shoulder. He sighed and went to sleep sandwiched between Iris and the side of the sofa. He opened one eye and kissed her forehead before finally going to sleep with a smile on his face.
--
Iris woke up at 7:00 A.M and knew that Phoenix was right beside her asleep. She smiled and hugged him (A/N: Here, if you can't imagine it, imagine them in Chibi style and imagine Iris glomping him like that :D).

At 8:00 Phoenix woke up with Iris sleeping on the other side of the sofa. He sighed in disappointment and he had no clue why and he went off for his case.

A/N: Short chappie :(

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=9912 < --- Franziska X Phoenix Fan Fiction =P

<insert awesome signature that totally PWNS here>
Current AA Project: Turnabout... Love?


Last edited by Jokerta on Fri Aug 29, 2008 2:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis]Topic%20Title

True love is forever.

Gender: Female

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:55 am

Posts: 2182

I think you've got a good start here. I'm assuming that your plan is to disregard AJ/GS4. Overall, the writing is good although there are some grammar mistakes and awkwardly phrased sentences, but that shouldn't be too hard to fix. Also, I have trouble imagining Phoenix being the type to have a big fancy house or having a maid (I assume that was what Maggey's job was) even if he could afford it. It just strikes me as off for him, but that could just be me. Now, you seem to be trying to set the maid thing up as a favor to Maggey which does seem to work a bit better, but... it just seems to me like he'd try to help her in other ways. I just think having a live in maid would make him uncomfortable when we take his personality into consideration. Anyway, nice work. I hope to see more.
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis]Topic%20Title
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Seeing it as it is

Gender: Female

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:36 am

Posts: 292

Me likey :3

ROFL at Maggey and the stairs, soooo Maggey indeed XD

And the stomach-growling-gonna-cook-4-u-<3 scene is love, I want moooooore T.T
Irving wrote:
Don't push my buttons, Buttons!
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 2 is UpTopic%20Title

Detective... Well, not yet.

Gender: None specified

Rank: Desk Jockey

Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:08 pm

Posts: 60

I know that it's unlikely for Phoenix to have a fancy house and everything, but I'm trying to approach the readers with something different...
And I know, to make the story seem more real, I added Maggey Personality in it.
viewtopic.php?f=11&t=9912 < --- Franziska X Phoenix Fan Fiction =P

<insert awesome signature that totally PWNS here>
Current AA Project: Turnabout... Love?
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 2 is UpTopic%20Title

True love is forever.

Gender: Female

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:55 am

Posts: 2182

Very sweet. :) I think you're handling the characters pretty well, although I'd expect some more awkward moments and silliness as they started to come to terms with their feelings for each other. For example, when Iris asks Phoenix if he was planning on following her in, I would have expected him to stutter and blush a bit more. He never has been the smoothest with pretty women in the game. :P I would also have expected more of a reaction from Iris. I quite like what you have going here though.
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 3 is UpTopic%20Title

Detective... Well, not yet.

Gender: None specified

Rank: Desk Jockey

Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:08 pm

Posts: 60

Aww, thanks :) New chappie up :)
viewtopic.php?f=11&t=9912 < --- Franziska X Phoenix Fan Fiction =P

<insert awesome signature that totally PWNS here>
Current AA Project: Turnabout... Love?
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 3 is UpTopic%20Title

True love is forever.

Gender: Female

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:55 am

Posts: 2182

The addition is cute if a bit too short. The scene described in the chapter is darling. As a tip, you may wish to avoid putting author's notes within the story itself unless absolutely necessary. It just breaks up the story in an unpleasant way. There are also a few spelling mistakes like "sleeper" was spelt "sleepr" in the newest chapter.
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 3 is UpTopic%20Title
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You’re so small in such a big world...

Gender: Female

Location: In front of the computer, where else?

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2008 2:25 am

Posts: 1720

There were some mistakes, but it was a good read. I can't wait to read more! :)
Avatar drawn by MC_Kitten, edited by Slezak
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 3 is UpTopic%20Title
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♥Klavier and Ema fan forever ♥

Gender: Female

Location: Look in your closet ;D

Rank: Medium-in-training

Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2008 10:19 pm

Posts: 412

nice :phoenix:
Image
Million thanks for making this epic siggy, Vickinator! and another million thanks to Nadini for making that awesome avatar

Couples I support? well...
♥Klavier and Ema♥
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 3 is UpTopic%20Title
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You've been hit by, a smooth prosecutor

Gender: Male

Location: Somewhere you're not

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:07 am

Posts: 3394

Yet another good one :pearly:
Re: What is Love? [FeenRis] - Chapter 3 is UpTopic%20Title
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:)

Gender: Female

Location: UK

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:33 pm

Posts: 3478

Cute chapters, a shame that they are really short. Very nice approach though.
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