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Wright and Justice:Judgement Day(22/9 First Chapter now up!)Topic%20Title
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Wright and Justice:Judgement Day
Hmm... I've been planning to write to this for a while but I finally got round to it. My First GS/GK Fanfiction.
I'll first be posting a short prologue to set the scene and introduce you to my style of writing.
Enjoy and and criticism is welcomed!
Spoiler:
Prologue
A cool breeze blew on the chilly October morning. The sun shone through a glassy layer. Greenery had started to fade the area surrounding the graveyard. Chairs were set up in rows split into two halves. People generally wore black as they found seats. A few women already were sobbing as they passed by an empty grave, soon to be filled by a new body.
A taxi arrived at the back of the congregation and a tall, built man in a blue suit stepped out. His hair spiked back and his black shoes shined, Phoenix hurried through the flower gate and found a seat next to a woman with long, glimmering black and a purple dress styled from materials worn by traditional Japanese acolytes.
"Where've you been?" Maya snapped quietly. Phoenix smiled. He knew Maya well. She'd been his assistant as a defense attorney for many years, but those days were long gone. Maya was a very fun-loving person but she knew when something was too important to be late to. 9 years had passed since she'd stopped being Phoenix’s assistant but her personality was still as striking as ever.
"Sorry." Phoenix replied. "Apollo's got a trial tomorrow and I'll be his Co-council. Had to do some paperwork."
"But Apollo's been here for 10 minutes!"
"Well Apollo doesn't like to work."
"But it's different when as important as this has..."
"Look," Phoenix interrupted. "I said I'm sorry. The funeral is about to start anyway." He said this as a stout, bald man with a bush like mustache, dressed in black Priestly robes came to the front of the congregation. He lifted his arms.
"Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to commemorate the passing on of a man very close to all our hearts, Joe Udgey."


Spoiler:
So yeah, it's set 4 years after AJ. Phoenix is 37, Maya is 30 and Apollo is 26. And the Judge (I thought i'd heard Joe Udgey before somewhere... And 'Udgey' is quite important to this story) is dead! Who would'a thunk it!



Last edited by Fi101 on Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:30 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Re: Fi101's FanfictionTopic%20Title
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The Ace Attorney's Magical Daughter

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Location: Austria

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Wow.
Just wow.

Spoiler:
You had the guts. To kill. The judge.
That deserves a medal! *hands out one*


Anyway, I think the style is very nice and easy to understand and the dialouge, so far, seems very good as well.

The actual chapters, however, should in any case be longer than this (such small junks of story just can't lead anywhere, except if you're posting them twice a day)

Most importantly, give the fanfic a title and add a decription. Many people don't even bother starting to read something, when they're not told what they're going to get. :garyuu:
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...Because I felt the need to advertise my fanfic with a self-drawn, animated banner. Yes, I'm obsessed, why do you ask?
Re: Fi101's FanfictionTopic%20Title
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YAY SOMEONE COMMENTED :pearl:
Actually, I'm glad it was you Neni, because your fanfic was what inspired me to get going with mine.
Well, yeah. It is reeaaally short atm but chapters will be much longer. At very least 1000 words each.
Edit:I also have added a title. What do you think? Again, any criticism is appreciated. :pearl:
Re: Wright and Justice:Judgement Day(22/9 First Chapter now up!)Topic%20Title
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Gender: Male

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Right Chapter 1 then :godot:

Spoiler: Chapter 1: Bad Day
Chapter 1
Apollo groaned as he sat up in his futon and stretched, raising his arms to ceiling. He rested his head against the wall and looked around at his small apartment. A TV that could easily be compared to a model from the 1960’s sat in the corner, along with a wooden desk, littered with important documents and court records. A door slightly ajar led into a bathroom. The other side room contained what could be called kitchen but was really just a stove, microwave oven, a fridge/freezer and a few cupboards.
I really need a bigger place…
Apollo stood up and looked at a clock by his bedside.
9:00 am…
Apollo thought to himself, still in a daze brought on by his sleep.
9:00 am… Oh…
He had a sudden revelation,
“I’M LATE!” He screamed. In frenzy, he began to run around his apartment, attempting to get ready for his arrangement.
15 minutes later, Apollo had dressed and was stuffing cereal from the box and milk from the carton down his throat. He threw the milk back in the fridge and ran for the door. He looked in the mirror while rushing and stopped, holding his head.
My hair!
He doubled back into the bathroom and raided through the many pots of hair product until he found his favorite.
“’Hold ‘em still’! For hair that’s up in the air” He said, imitating a T.V. commercial. He twisted the lid and applied the product to his hair, grooming his hair into his signature style. He checked his watch.
9:21! Mr. Wright’s gonna kill me!
He moved as fast as he could towards the door.

“Taxi!” Apollo yelled as he chased after the yellow cab. It stopped and he quickly hopped in. “District Court, and step on it.”
“No problem! I’ll get you there!” The cab driver’s feminine voice sounded from the front. Apollo recognized it.
“Hey… I know you! Didn’t I meet you…?” Apollo pressed his finger against his forehead as he tried to recall the time, “Yesterday? At the funeral?”.
“Yeah I was there. It was really sad…”
“What was your name again…? Maggey?”.
“Yup!” She said excitedly. “Maggey Byrde, cab driver!” She turned around and saluted at Apollo, who was taken aback by her perkiness. She had the same short brown hair and glasses but wore striking yellow outfit and hat. Apollo spotted a car coming in the same direction.
“Look out!” Maggey quickly turned back and swerved out of the way.
“Whoops! Sorry about that.” Maggey began. “I’m not the luckiest of people. Ever since I fell off the ninth floor an apartment building when I was nine years old,” She retold her story as she made a series of sharp swerves and turns. “I’ve been through all sorts of disasters. I’ve been hit by cars, I’ve gotten sick from all sorts of foods and I’ve failed almost every test I’ve ever taken!”
How did you get through Driver’s Ed? Apollo thought to himself as he cowered on the back seat.
“I’ve even been accused of murder three times!”
“I seem to remember you being the defendant of some of Mr. Wright’s cases…”
“Mr. Wright? You’re good friends with him?” The cab tires screeches as she drove around a corner, knocking Apollo’s head on the window.
“Yeah… I guess you could say that.” Apollo rubbed his forehead. The cab ground to a halt as Maggey pulled up in front of the District Court House. Apollo paid Maggey and proceeded to pay Maggey’s fee.
“When you next see Mr. Wright, you tell him that I’m getting luckier by the day!” Maggey waved to Apollo as he rushed up the Courthouse steps.

Phoenix paced in the Defendant’s Lobby No.2. The trial was starting in 20 minutes and no sign of Apollo.
He’s never… This late! What could he being held back by?
Even though Phoenix was dressed in his casual attire, blue beanie with badges, jacket, trousers and sandals, you couldn’t help but get an aura of seriousness from him. He smiled as he turned his head towards the black leather sofa.
“Sorry about this…” He said friendly towards the person sat there. “Mr. Justice isn’t usually… late.”

“No big deal,” The young man said, in a relaxed manner. “I could wait here for hours on this comfy thing right here.” He said as he smiled and spread his arms across the sofa. He flicked his silver hair to a point over one eye, and combed the quiff on the back of his head with his hand. He wore an orange leather jacket and black trousers with sturdy looking boots that looked as if they could break a few toes. Phoenix returned a smile and went back to pacing when the door flung open.
“Mr. Wright I am so sorry I’m late! I overslept and then my hair and the cab driver…” Apollo attempted to explain his situation while completely out of breath, stuttering and coughing.
“Don’t say sorry to me.” Phoenix made a head gesture towards the young man on the chair giving Apollo a piercing stare.
“So sorry I’m late,” Apollo said rushing over to the sofa. “You must be the defendant.” Apollo shook the man’s hand.
“Yeah, yeah” The man shook with a firm grip, making Apollo double over. “My name’s John Udgey. Friends call me Johnny.” He spoke confidently.
“Okay then, Johnny.” Apollo tried to be friendly.
“I said, friends can call me Johnny.” His voice was cold and deep, and his stare became piercing again.
“Oh, alright then.” Apollo said coughing. He felt rejected. “I wanted to ask you some questions about the murder?”
“Fat chance you’ll have now.” John sharply replied.
“He’s right, Apollo.” Phoenix said, walking over to them. “Trial’s about to start.”
“Oh right…” Apollo stood from the sofa again. “Guess I got here too late.”
“So everything will be settled in court.” John spoke with a childish curiosity in his voice. “Let’s get this started then!” He jumped up from the sofa, startling Apollo. While heading towards the door, John turned towards Phoenix. “This guy better be as good as you said he was.” He turned his head and gave him the piercing stare. Phoenix froze as John left the lobby. He recognized the stare. He couldn’t quite put his finger on where, but he had seen it before…


Spoiler: Author's Note
Yay my first chapter! It's a little bit shorter than I would have liked but I got everything that I wanted done. My OC, John Udgey, (If you haven't worked it out, he's the Judge's son) He's supposed to be quite laid back, relaxed, easy going but can annoy people when he's not happy. And that stare... Well anyway, as for music I listened to while writing this chapter... i can't tell you. It would ruin everything.

Re: Wright and Justice:Judgement Day(22/9 First Chapter now up!)Topic%20Title
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Spoiler: Spoiler
OMG! Did Udgey and Gant have a lovechild? :udgy: :damon:
Re: Wright and Justice:Judgement Day(22/9 First Chapter now up!)Topic%20Title
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The Ace Attorney's Magical Daughter

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*finally gets around to write a review*

So....

Spoiler: Plot
The writting is still quite smooth, but Apollo's Wake-Up scene was detailed where it shouldn't have been and vague where it should have been detailed. I know, it's difficult to find out what kind of things need to be described and what not, but I think the best way to work out that issue would be to read a good novel (it doesn't matter which) and actively try to notice patterns in the way the author describes everything. That really helps.
Most importantly, don't waste too much time trying to describe clothes (noticed this with the OC). Limit yourself to describing only the most striking pieces of clothing and only with a maximum of two-three attributes each. Same applies to room-descriptions, except when they don't disturb the "Flow and Speed" of a scene.
A wake-up scene, for example, should be a hasty, fast scene, so there's no time for descriptions in there. If you describe something like this, there has to be a reason... Like Apollo actually sitting down and examining his home himself.

On a seperate note, Maggey's integration seemed a little sloppily. The way she just suddenly blurted out her standart-introduction to Apollo and how they suddenly came to lead a pep-talk about Phoenix seemed a little forced and robotic. If you bring in a character, make sure that the flow of the story remains smooth and steady regardless. ;-)


What I liked a lot was the little bit at the courthouse. The mood was displayed nicely.

I hope I don't sound harsh or anything. I'm just trying to point everything that you could possibly make better out, so you can go work on it and increase the quality, so you get more readers!

Image

...Because I felt the need to advertise my fanfic with a self-drawn, animated banner. Yes, I'm obsessed, why do you ask?
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