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Pierre's abominationTopic%20Title
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Gettin' Old!

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Hurm so I decided to give fanfiction a go...or at least a teaser.
In all honesty I thought I'd right something for the crossover contest somewhat sick of not really contributing anything to CR anyway.

So since I've never written this stuff before I thought I'd put in a little bit of the fanfiction for scrutiny before deciding whether to continue my efforts or not.

Title: (Codename) GGJT
Author: Me?
Rating: Probably 12 maybe PG includes one use of mild language
Genre: Mystery/Drama
Status: Teaser
Pairing: God no
Summary: Two men with dark pasts meet to drink and relax in a quiet club but one brings the past to light as new leads on an old case arise.

Spoiler: GS3 spoilers maybe
Later in a smoky bar Kyle Hyde sat enjoying the smooth taste of his friend’s coffee “Heh that’s always better than the bottle I guess” he said savouring the rich dark taste of Godot’s blend 405 while the band played some gentle jazz. This evening’s panning out pretty good about now, good company, good music and a good drink plus I’ll remember it in the morning he thought as he looked absently out the window at the dark glow of Los Angeles at night. The man across the table from him caught this look and peered at him through his stylised red tinted shades.

“Los Angeles, City of Angels yet for beings so bright it still seems as dark and cold as old coffee” Godot sighed joining Hyde in gazing into the night. “I have the feeling your thoughts are also dark and cold Hyde….what’s on your mind?” he said sitting back relaxed.

Kyle sighed gazing down into his coffee, the warm gentle steam rising pleasantly into his face. “Nothing, just thinking your coffee hasn’t gotten any worse despite your time in jail” he lied raising the cup to his lips while watching as Godot smiled.

“Well Hyde, it gave me a little time to work on some new blends and a lot of time to think” Godot admitted pausing to look into his own coffee before finishing it in one and pouring himself another “But I am still a talented prosecutor Hyde, I know you….you’re still thinking of Bradley aren’t you?” he said frowning as he watched Hyde reach for a small sachet of sugar “The best night is a starless night and my coffee tastes best without those little white stars in its sky” he added swiftly.

Kyle tilted his head from side to side for a moment in thought before smiling slyly “Maybe you’re right about that…” he said retracting his hand from the condiments and back to his cup “And maybe you’re right about Bradley too, it’s been a while since Hotel Dusk, perhaps it’s time to try hunting him down again” he sighed sipping his coffee “He asked me to give up, saying it was chasing a ghost but…I dunno maybe it’s just because it’s near that time but he’s been on my mind a bit lately” he said shaking his head sadly “It’s been so long though since I stopped searching, the trail’s gone cold, I got no more clues” he sighed looking away to the window again.

Godot remained silent for a moment “Well cold coffee is wasted and to be thrown out but you can always make another, that’s partially why I invited you out here tonight” he said reaching beneath the table before pausing to clap for the band who just finished.

Kyle joined in the quiet applause in the quiet bar before the band kicked in again “Hmmph you play this song better but cut the crap Diego, I don’t get your coffee metaphors!” Kyle grunted placing the coffee down on the table forcefully causing Godot’s own cup to rattle yet Godot seemed unphased more so he seemed pleased as a knowing smile spread across his lips.

“What I mean is….when a trail runs cold…you pick up a new one” he said reaching back underneath the table for the briefcase hidden there. “Back in my…old life I once worked on a Nile case, someone brought Louis Denonno in connection with the murder of a Danny Delowitz apparently he was seen fleeing the scene” he said pausing to sip his coffee seeing how he had caught Kyle’s attention. “Bradley was the detective assigned to that case” he said opening the briefcase.

Kyle’s eyes were wide with surprise “I had no idea you and Bradley worked together! Why wouldn’t you tell me something like this?” he demanded gesturing wildly at Godot.

Godot remained as relaxed as ever “I was only in New York for a little while, plus I was a defence attorney so I wasn’t working with Bradley all the time but we became friends while we worked on the case and maybe in passing he mentioned he might like a nice place in the English countryside for a bit of peace if he had to retire from the force” he said pulling out a selection of black and white photographs. “These were taken last week” he added as he handed them to Kyle.

Kyle reeled back amazed at what the photographs showed That’s…that’s Bradley… “How did you get these? Where is this?” he demanded flicking through the photos trying to gauge where the photos were taken.

“It’s in London my friend, and you would do well to relax, drink your coffee it’s wasted if it’s cold” he said leaning forward on the table while he gripped his coffee with one hand “You are too aggressive when the detective in you wakes Hyde, I’m helping you” he said shaking his head that implacable smile still on his face “Just so happens I was curious about what happened to Bradley after he’d went astray as well and asked a man to look out for him in England a long time ago” he said gesturing to the photos “These showed up last week…you have a new lead” he said leaning back once again shaking his head with satisfaction as he savoured his coffee’s aroma.

Kyle sighed gesturing to his jacket and the photo before pocketing them seeing Godot nod “Well…it’s far from the English countryside but I suppose it’s best to see if I can track him down now…even if he didn’t want me to” Kyle shook his head and rubbed his face Seems like the exhaustion from all those years is coming back to me “I know I’m not a detective anymore maybe I can put that behind me and just be a friend again” he said.

Godot said nothing for a moment as the band finished playing for the night, the club would soon close “Well you are getting on a little Hyde, time to make peace with the demons and ghosts in our lives,” he said with a gentle smirk “Still I’ve booked you a ticket to London if you want to pursue the ghost again” he said pulling a last envelope out of his briefcase and sliding it across the table before reaching down to finish the last coffee of the night.

Kyle nodded picking up the envelope and sliding it into his jacket pocket “Why are you doing all this for me? You’ve never really been one for really looking out for others especially with acts of generosity like this” he said giving Godot an intense look.

Godot sighed “Well I suppose now that I’ve had some time to think I realised how selfish I’d been in my moment of grief but…it’s behind me now I figured this would be my way of apologising since I was a little short with you last time but my debt is paid now” he said as he closed the briefcase and got up to leave “Since that case my life isn’t as dark as the best coffee for once” he said running his hand briefly over the scar that now marked his face before adjusting his red tinted shades. “From now on my past isn’t dark anymore, the world could do with less dark secrets, anything I can do to help illuminate this world I will, that’s one of my rules” he said casting a last look at Kyle and the rapidly cooling cup in front of him “Finish your coffee” he added before turning and leaving Hyde to his lonesome and his thoughts.


Go ahead scrutinise away

Also would I need to get permission and give credit for a written description of a character based on a hypothetical sprite made by another CR member?
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Re: Pierre's abominationTopic%20Title
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earthlings on fire

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I just skimmed it but it looks like you may need a bit of work on your punctuation~
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Re: Pierre's abominationTopic%20Title
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Gettin' Old!

Gender: Male

Location: Scotland

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:30 pm

Posts: 14363

Cravat of Doom wrote:
I just skimmed it but it looks like you may need a bit of work on your punctuation~



Aww man and I got an A in English too.
I copy and pasted it from word which has messed up some of the positioning but what's so majorly bad about it?
Man I'm gonna smack that spellchecker so hard!
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Re: Pierre's abominationTopic%20Title
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earthlings on fire

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Mainly when it comes to dialogue. For example, you have this:

Quote:
Spoiler:
“Well Hyde, it gave me a little time to work on some new blends and a lot of time to think” Godot admitted pausing to look into his own coffee before finishing it in one and pouring himself another “But I am still a talented prosecutor Hyde, I know you….you’re still thinking of Bradley aren’t you?” he said frowning as he watched Hyde reach for a small sachet of sugar “The best night is a starless night and my coffee tastes best without those little white stars in its sky” he added swiftly.


And it should really look something like this:

Spoiler:
“Well Hyde, it gave me a little time to work on some new blends and a lot of time to think,” Godot admitted, pausing to look into his own coffee before finishing it in one and pouring himself another, “But I am still a talented prosecutor Hyde, I know you….you’re still thinking of Bradley aren’t you?” he said, frowning as he watched Hyde reach for a small sachet of sugar. “The best night is a starless night and my coffee tastes best without those little white stars in its sky,” he added swiftly.


However, despite the fixed punctuation, it's kind of run on/awkward that way. What I would suggest is making it look something like this:

Spoiler:
“Well Hyde, it gave me a little time to work on some new blends and a lot of time to think,” Godot admitted, pausing to look into his own coffee before finishing it in one and pouring himself another. “But I am still a talented prosecutor, and I know you….you’re still thinking of Bradley aren’t you?” he frowned as he watched Hyde reach for a small sachet of sugar, adding swiftly, “The best night is a starless night and my coffee tastes best without those little white stars in its sky.”


Still not perfect, but I'm sure you get the point. Just work a bit on the structure and punctuation, making sure it reads smoothly while still following the proper English mechanics.
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Re: Pierre's abominationTopic%20Title
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Too bad. Waluigi Time.

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I smell crossover game! :godot: We must put this in stores everywhere immediately! :will: Pretty good! The previous poster was right, better punctuation is needed. However, this has the potential for expansion. In other words, I like it! :will:
Re: Pierre's abominationTopic%20Title
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Joined: Thu Dec 20, 2007 1:20 pm

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Pierre wrote:
Later in a smoky bar Kyle Hyde sat enjoying the smooth taste of his friend’s coffee


I'm assuming this 'teaser' isn't the first scene in the fic?

Quote:
Man I'm gonna smack that spellchecker so hard!

The spellchecker won't check grammar. However, unless they improved the grammar checker since the old Word ver I have, it just tells you a million things are error when they aren't. You just have to do it yourself :yogi: Or get some beta to do it.

Spoiler:
Later in a smoky bar Kyle Hyde sat enjoying the smooth taste of his friend’s coffee.

“Heh that’s always better than the bottle I guess,” he said, savouring the rich dark taste of Godot’s blend 405 while the band played some gentle jazz.

This evening’s panning out pretty good about now, good company, good music and a good drink plus I’ll remember it in the morning, he thought as he looked absently out the window at the dark glow of Los Angeles at night. The man across the table from him caught this look and peered at him through his stylised red tinted shades.

etc

Quote:
So since I've never written this stuff before I thought I'd put in a little bit of the fanfiction for scrutiny before deciding whether to continue my efforts or not.


Do. You'll only improve, it's great for a first attempt.
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Re: Pierre's abominationTopic%20Title
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Gettin' Old!

Gender: Male

Location: Scotland

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:30 pm

Posts: 14363

Wow people musta went back a bit to lookup this topic.

Yeah it wasn't the first part of the fanfic...originally I was going to attempt to cross all the elements for the crossover contest into a story but then y'know...exams, essays and coursework kicked in and all of a sudden it was all over. The first part done before this was an introduction for Phoenix and Maya into the story setting though Edgeworth was also going to appear later on.
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You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.
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