Rank: Decisive Witness
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 4:04 pm
Boy am I glad to see this thread back. Self promotion time:
I also did The Fight over Phoenix
and The Endless Turnabout (Part 1
, Part 2
). The second fic listed is actually called "Ace Attorney: The Wrong Man the Wrong Job" as well.
But hey, if no one minds I'll get the ball rolling with a sporking I had left unposted during the transition from the backup forums to these. So, without further ado, let me introduce:Today's Sporking: Codename: FRIEND
Honestly, this fic isn't offensive in the slightest. It's just full of poor English and yet another confounding mystery. Over all it's just kind of dull and confusing and was abandoned after a single chapter. Perfect for getting back in to the swing of things, I think.
Today's Sporkers: Phoenix Wright
"Why is this happening again?" Maya Fey
"It was a good break while it lasted..." Miles Edgeworth
"Nnghh..."SPORKING START[The sun is high in the sky and three familiar figures walk across the landscape beneath it escorted by Lang's troops. Their shadows are short and so are their tempers]
Edgeworth: “I was under the impression this nonsense had stopped once and for all.”
Maya: “Yeah! What gives?”
Trooper: “We were having some technical difficulties. That Von Karma dame was causing some serious damage to the equipment and we had to seal off all the exits and entry points Pinky's little girlfriend was using.”
Edgeworth: “She is not my girlfriend! She's not even of legal age!”
Phoenix: “That's not the plot of the story you're subjecting us to, is it?”
Trooper: “Nah, no romance. We need to recalibrate the theater to your suffering so we're starting with something average.”
Edgeworth: “You need to do what?”
Trooper: “Forget I said anything. In you go!”*The trooper shoves the trio inside the theater and locks the door behind them.*
“Home again, home again, jiggity jig...”
Maya: “Look, they saved my seat!”
Phoenix: “Maya, we're the only ones in here.”
Maya: “That doesn't change the fact I get my seat. It's conformed to me!”
Edgeworth: “It's starting. Let's just get this over with so we can go hang ourselves.”
Phoenix: “Fic Sporker Edgeworth chooses death?”
Edgeworth: “Something like that.”
An old FRIEND
Phoenix: “Why is “friend” in all caps? Is it an acronym?”
Maya: “Farting Rhode Island Entertainers Need Diapers.”
Phoenix: “Fighting Roosters Injured Eugene Newman’s Diaphragm.”
Maya: “Franziska Rides In Elevators Next Door.”
Phoenix: “French Revolution Impacted England’s Natural Dichotomy.”
Maya: “Ooh, good one!”
Edgeworth: “It is merely the first of many horrible mistakes we’re likely to be subjected to and you know it.”
Maya: “That doesn’t even come close to spelling ‘FRIEND.’”
An old friend
Phoenix: “I am not
Maya: “Are too.”
Phoenix: “I’m 26!”
Maya: “Age is just a number.”
Edgeworth: “Normally people use that turn of phrase for the opposite; to say they feel younger than they are.”
Phoenix: “Like how Maya’s a grown woman but acts 12?”
Maya: *crosses arms*
“You guys are mean. I’m… I’m just a free spirit that’s full of life and junk.”
Phoenix was up early in his office with Maya.
Phoenix: “At least we’re both clearly named already.”
Maya: “I’m not a ‘weird girl’ or a ‘young woman’ or anything like that for the first few paragraphs? That takes away my air of mystery!”
Phoenix: “You have an air of mystery?”
Maya: “I could if I wanted.”
"Good morning, Nick! Didn't expect you to come to the office this early in the morning!" Maya happily said, as she looked at Phoenix, who sat down on the leather couch, drinking his morning coffee.
Maya: “Why wouldn’t I expect that? We start at the same time very day.”
Phoenix: “It’s especially weird since it starts out saying that we were both already in the office. Did you just not notice me until now?”
Maya: “I doubt that, given the way you drag yourself through the door each morning.”
Phoenix: “Look, I am not
a morning person.”
"Hey Maya, did you hear any phone calls this past morning?" Phoenix asked.
Edgeworth: “Ah, there we are. You speak as if she lives
in your office. Perhaps that is what it means.”
Phoenix: “Well, she practically does…”
Edgeworth: “Isn’t your home technically Kurain Village? Where did
you stay in the city anyway?”
Maya: “Um, you know… Around…”
"Nope, there weren't any calls this whole time I was here. What's going on?"
Phoenix: “I’d assume I’m in desperate need of a client as usual.”
Edgeworth: “You should invest in an answering machine instead of forcing your assistant to live in your office.”
Maya: “Yeah, Nick! Just chain me to your desk, why don’t you?”
"Well, my old friend, Mila, called me around 4am in the morning!
Phoenix: “You got me. I don’t know any Mila. I know a Mia
but she’s dead. I know a Miles…
Edgeworth: “But I would certainly not be calling at ‘4am in the morning.’ Furthermore, ‘am’ is already in the morning. You do not need the extra clarification. Doing so is wrong
She said she needed my help, and she needed me to be at the office early," Phoenix explained.
Edgeworth: “So I’m to believe this is shortly after 4am? Why was Miss Fey already at the office?”
Phoenix: “So she really does live there then? Well I guess it could work out. That couch is pretty comfortable. Not sure how clients would take to it, though…”
Maya: “No matter where I’m staying, I am not
getting up at 4am.”
Phoenix: “By the way, I’m charging rent.”
Maya: “Pfft, you don’t pay me enough for that. I want a raise, Nick.”
Phoenix: “So do I. Get in line.”
"Maybe she couldn't call you. I'm sure she just woke up remembering something that had to deal with you, and then she went to sleep again."
Phoenix: “But she already called me! I just said so!”
Maya: “Maybe her phone’s battery died the very second she hung up.”
Edgeworth: “Or perhaps she really did just fall asleep again. This is four in the morning, after all. Even I don’t get up this early barring perhaps a fire.”
"The only person who does that is you, Maya. I think," Phoenix replied.
Phoenix: “I only think, though. I don’t want my snappy comebacks to be too scathing now.”
"Yeah, Yeah. Nick, let's watch some TV. Stop thinking about it. She'll come sooner or later," Maya happily said, and then she took the TV remote and pressed the 'on' button.
Maya: “Oh boy, early morning infomercials! I hope they have that one for the battery powered exercise belt that burns fat and builds muscle while you just sit there!”
Phoenix: “You’re doing everything ‘happily’ in this story. I know you’re pretty upbeat but could you tone it down a little?”
Maya: “I can’t help it if I’m a natural ray of sunshine in your gloomy world.”
Phoenix: “All the news on televisions that’s fit to tell in all caps.”
Reporter in the TV stated, "BREAKING NEWS!
the TV? Get out of there! Bad news anchor!”
Edgeworth: “He does appear rather distraught, yelling in all capital letters like that.”
Japan's favorite actress, Mila Kaiis, has been found murdered at 4.13 am in the morning! Her body was found on the ground at Pavilion Street…."
Edgeworth: “Again with ‘am in the morning…’”
Phoenix: “Wait, I’m apparently friends with this famous Japanese actress?”
Maya: “You never told me that! Why didn’t we ever go to cool Hollywood shindigs with her before she was murdered?”
Phoenix: “This is just a story, Maya. The real me is way more boring.”
Maya: “Hmph. So I’ve noticed.”
"Maya, I think your theory that she'll come here, is very wrong. You've just heard…Mila is…dead."
Edgeworth: “You don’t appear too broken up about it, Wright.”
Maya: “Oh no, this isn’t the return of apathetic Nick, is it? I hope nothing happens to me in this one…”
"NICK, you're not fooling around, right? Mila Kaiis is your FRIEND? Why didn't you tell me?"
Phoenix: “I didn’t tell you because I never knew myself.”
Maya: “Look, FRIEND is in all caps again. It has
to be an acronym! I hope it’s like a secret government agency or… or maybe Mila’s really a cyborg and that’s her codename!”
Phoenix: “That’s not a very intimidating codename.”
Maya: “Maybe she was sent to our time period on Operation: HUGS or something. Besides, if she’s dead she wasn’t a good cyborg anyway.”
"Maya, that's not the point. She's now dead. We HAVE to get there right away!" Phoenix yelled.
Maya: “‘She’s now dead?’ Could you possibly have worded that more unnaturally?”
Edgeworth: “It’s grammatically correct, technically, but it does sound rather awkward. Although I’m curious as to why you’re flying to Japan at four in the morning when you don’t even… never mind.”
Edgeworth: “Wright, this is you we’re talking about. If one of your friends was in trouble you’d hijack a space shuttle and fly to the moon if need be.”
Phoenix: “…Maya, from this moment on you’re banned from the moon.”
WHAT HAPPENED ON MARCH 21ST, 4.03 AM, PAVILION STREET
Phoenix: “I DON’T KNOW!”
Edgeworth: “There is no question mark. I’d presume we’re being told what happened.”
Maya: “Oh, well that’s nice of the story. Usually we have to figure everything out on our own and gets all challenging and interesting.”
Mila called Phoenix when she was walking towards the quiet street.
ENDING THE PHONE CALL
Edgeworth: “Well, that was… succinct.”
Phoenix: “Wait, wait, it’s still going.”
Edgeworth: “Hopefully in lowercase from here on out. The author has used his allotted quota of capital letters already.”
"Well, thanks Phoenix. Bye," Mila said, and then she ended the phone call. It was winter time, so she wore a brown fur coat and walked through the quiet street.
Edgeworth: “It must be an extremely quiet street to be told this fact twice in rapid succession.”
Maya: “I want a fur coat like that. I’d feel like such a classy dame. Nick, get me a fur coat.”
Phoenix: “Forget it. My own coat was expensive enough.”
Maya: “But my damehood is on the line here!”
She waited in front of the My Café coffee shop. It looked like she was waiting for someone.
Phoenix: “It only looked like it? Are we viewing security cam footage here?”
Edgeworth: “The author must be referring to the previous sentence where he clearly states Ms. Kaiis is waiting.”
Phoenix: “Oh yeah, she really is waiting after all.”
Maya: “Mystery solved!”
"Oh there you are. I've been waiting here for 10 minutes. Did you bring it?" she said to the guy who she was waiting for.
Maya: “She’s such a liar. She just got there!”
Phoenix: “The other guy appeared without arriving on the scene too. I guess time just passed in the blink of an eye.”
Maya: “You see? Fur coats give you time controlling powers! Now you have
to get me one!”
Phoenix: “In that case I already bought you one then you went back in time and stopped it from happening by stepping on a butterfly or something.”
Edgeworth: “Could we just continue, please?”
"It's here," the guy said. He took out a gun inside a black box.
Maya: “She was waiting for a gun delivery?”
She exclaimed, "Hey what are you doi-"
Then she got… shot.
Edgeworth: “Why the unnecessary ellipses before her being shot?”
Phoenix: “I think the author couldn’t think of a good synonym and just went with ‘shot’ after brief thought.”
MARCH 21ST , PAVILION STREET, 8.21 AM
"Oh my god," Phoenix said as he looked at Mila's body, "I can't imagine anyone who would do this."
Phoenix: “I can’t imagine anyone that would just leave a corpse laying out in the middle of the street for four hours either.”
Edgeworth: “They could take the poor girl back to autopsy before she spoils any time now…”
Maya: “You guys are gross.”
"Hey, pal. I guess this was your old pal. You never introduced me to her. You know, maybe if you introduced her to me, she'd be going out with me that morning," Detective Gumshoe said as he heard Nick and Maya.
Maya: “Detective Gumshoe, you stop cheating on Maggey this instant!”
Edgeworth: “How did the detective deduce she was your acquaintance? It’s never stated that you told him such.”
Phoenix: “In this universe I must be well known for having lots of famous friends.”
Maya: “Including the narrator. He’s calling you ‘Nick.’”
Phoenix: “Well I sure don’t know him
. This is starting to get awkward.”
"What? Mila's already dead and you still want to be her boyfriend? Uh…Can you just give me an autopsy report about her death?" Phoenix replied.
Edgeworth: “She’s still on the sidewalk, Wright. At best he could give you a preliminary report.”
Maya: “And he never said he still wanted to date her. He just said she might have been safe with him. You’re so presumptuous!”
Phoenix: “That’s not me, alright?”
Edgeworth: “Still, you haven’t been embarrassingly out of character yet. That’s rare praise for these tales.”
Phoenix: “I’m sure it’s just saving up for later…”
Maya glanced at the autopsy report with Phoenix.
"…death of Ms. Mila Kaiis at 4.13 am… Nick, didn't you say she called you around that time!" Maya stated as she looked at the report.
Phoenix: “Wow, that’s surprisingly exact for a time of death.”
Maya: “Maybe the bullet hit her watch and somehow didn’t destroy it!”
Edgeworth: “Hold it! Why are you privy to this information, Wright? You have no client. Friend of the victim or not this is still a police investigation.”
Phoenix: “Because Gumshoe.”
Edgeworth: “…For once I have no rebuttal.”
Phoenix answered, "Yeah, that's right. I'm guessing she was waiting for someone."
Edgeworth: “What makes you say that?”
Phoenix: “Maybe she mentioned something to that effect on the phone? We still have no idea what we talked about.”
Maya: “Well if the author’s calling you Nick that means you must be friends. He’s probably just filling you in.”
Phoenix: “If he was such a great friend he wouldn’t be having my other friend murdered in the dead of night.”
Maya: “No, no, Nick. She’s Codename: FRIEND. That’s totally different.”
Phoenix: “Of course. How silly of me…”
"Hey pal, I found a gun inside the trash bin! Yes, now I don't need to buy one anymore!" Gumshoe yelled as he was running towards Phoenix and Maya.
Edgeworth: “Of for the love of… Detectives are assigned pistols. Furthermore, Detective Gumshoe absolutely detests the idea of using his sidearm.”
Phoenix: “That’s true. I think the most use he’s gotten out of it is showing it off to kids to cheer them up.”
Edgeworth: “And I
absolutely detest the idea of him doing that
Maya: “You hate the idea of him cheering up kids? Wow, you’re more of a grouch than I thought.”
Edgeworth: “What I mean to say is… never mind. Forget I said anything.”
"Gumshoe, we need that as evidence. I think… that was the gun that the killer used to kill Mila!" Phoenix said, trying to make a point.
Edgeworth: “How convenient. Perhaps the next dumpster over will have the murderer in it as well.”
"Uh… but you WILL give it back to me after using it as evidence, right?" Gumshoe asked.
"Okay, whatever," Phoenix answered.
Edgeworth: “Wright, you are a civilian and concealed firearms are prohibited in this city. You have no rights to that gun; evidence or not. I have half a mind to dock Gumshoe’s pay just because of his doppelganger’s irresponsible actions.”
Maya: “What does the other half of your mind say?”
Edgeworth: “I believe that half instinctively shut down when the lights dimmed.”
Suddenly, policemen came to Phoenix and arrested him. He was maintained in the detention room.
Maya: “Wow, Nick. You really shouldn’t
have taken that gun!”
Edgeworth: “‘Maintained?' Surely they mean ‘detained.’”
Maya: “I dunno, Nick can be high maintenance when he wants… and don’t call me Shirley.”
Edgeworth: “You’ve been waiting to make that joke forever, haven’t you?”
Phoenix: “Why am I being arrested!?”
Edgeworth: “You were at the scene of the crime. That seems to be good enough for most of these stories.”
Phoenix: “Yeah, hours after
the crime had already been committed. Maya was there too!”
Maya: “Oh no you don’t. I’m done being arrested.”
DETENTION ROOM MARCH 21ST , 9.45 AM
"Good morning Mr. Wright. I am Jenna Reeds, prosecutor hired from the Kaiis's family," Jenna said after she sat down opposite Phoenix.
Edgeworth: “I beg your pardon, Ms. Reeds, but prosecutors are assigned by the state or county. They are not hired like private attorneys, you obvious fraud.”
Phoenix: “Maybe they’re planning to sue me over Mila’s death and this is now a civil manner instead of a criminal one? That still doesn’t explain why she called herself a prosecutor, does it?”
Edgeworth: “If that were the case you would not have been hauled off to prison. No, I’m afraid the author simply has no idea what any of us actually do besides yell ‘Objection’ and point our fingers.”
Maya: “Way to ruin the dream, Mr. Edgeworth.”
"Why am I involved? I'm her friend. I'm sure they trust me."
Edgeworth: “Do they even know you? I wouldn’t go around trusting people just because they are friends of a friend.”
Phoenix: “I don’t know if I know them or not. Original characters are weird when they’ve apparently been a part of my life forever.”
Maya: “At least she’s not a self insert girlfriend or something. She has that going for her.”
Phoenix: “She’s also dead.”
Maya: “That keeps her from being a Mary Sue. One more point in her favor, I guess.”
Jenna ignored the statement. "Well, since you ARE an attorney you should know the first 2 questions we attorneys and prosecutors ask all the time.
Phoenix: “When am I getting paid and why are you being so difficult? Those are my usual questions.”
Maya: “I’ve never heard you ask that.”
Phoenix: “With any luck I’ll maintain that self control.”
Edgeworth: “Prosecutors are attorneys too, Ms. Reeds. Forget law school, have you even finished high school?”
Where were you when Miss Mila was killed? I need an alibi right now."
"I was sleeping, like all the other human beings in the world. Just check the security camera."
Maya: “There are video cameras in your apartment!? Nick, I’m never staying there again!”
Phoenix: “Not that I knew about. Must be stalker fangirls or something. I’d better go check this out when I get home. Edgeworth, you should probably do the same…”
Phoenix: “Why does she need an alibi from me anyway? Do the police in Japan just arrest random people and hope they fit the crime?”
Maya: “Wait, is this Japan?”
Phoenix: “Well, we're where Mila was murdered, so it has to be.”
Maya: “But Gumshoe’s here. Is he in Japan too?”
Phoenix: “I honestly have no idea at this point.”
"Fine. I'll check it out myself. I found out Mila called you exactly 10 minutes before she was killed. Can you explain what she told you?"
Phoenix: “No, the author refuses to let us know.”
"She told me she needed my help. I didn't understand either. She knew something was coming up. She said that she will be in big trouble."
"Don't you mean she IS in big trouble?"
Maya: “Big Trouble in Little Los Angeles!”
Phoenix: “I suppose being dead is big trouble but I doubt she cares any more.”
Edgeworth: “Also, that should be ‘would’ instead of ‘will.’”
"No. I heard her clearly. She said she needed my help soon. Weird, right? She knows she's going to do something bad, and she is still going to do it."
Edgeworth: “No, she just said she would be in trouble soon. She never said she was causing it.”
Maya: “She’s some famous Japanese actress, right? Famous people are always in trouble for some reason or another. Maybe it was ninjas. You know, ‘cause it’s Japan and all.”
Phoenix: “Maya, I have no idea if that’s racist or not so just to be on the safe side, stop it.”
Maya: “What? No way, Nick! The stereotype has ninjas using swords. This ninja used a gun. I’m super open-minded!”
"Hmmm…. I have nothing else to question you about. You may leave the detention room."
Edgeworth: “Stellar detective work, Ms. Reeds. You successfully ascertained what you already knew.”
Phoenix: “Why was I in prison for this? Doesn’t Japan have interrogation rooms like America?”
"Uh, I came to the detention room just for this? That's stupid," he thought.
Then he was released out of the detention room.
Maya: “‘No! I must fight for the defendants,’ he shouted. The radio said, ‘No, Nick. You are the defendants.” And then Nick was the detention room.”
"Maya, will you help me out?"
Maya: “Nick, there’s a door right there. You really are helpless without me, huh?”
Phoenix asked while walking down the stairs from the detention center.
"I'd love to, Nick. In what?"
Phoenix: “I have this itch on my back that I just can’t reach.”
Maya: “Oh, right here? No prob.” *scratches Phoenix’s back*
Phoenix: “Ah, yeah. Right there. That’s good.”
Edgeworth: “Helpless indeed.”
"In helping me find Mila's killer! I know that Ms. Jenna Reed will come back and try to accuse me on this case! I've got a feeling about it."
Maya: “Someone stole the S from her last name! That has to be a clue!”
Edgeworth: “You were just thrown in prison, Wright. You’ve already been accused.”
Phoenix: “No, she just questioned me then released me.”
Edgeworth: “Then why were you detained? A prosecutor claiming to be hired privately and a questioning conducted in a prison cell involving someone who is not even a witness let alone a suspect… either you’re being set up to take a fall or the author simply has no idea what he’s doing.”
Maya: “Mr. Edgeworth, you’re really thinking too hard on this.”
Edgeworth: “Miss Fey, that is my job.”
HIS PHONE RANG…
Phoenix: “VERY LOUDLY.”
Dear Mr. Phoenix,
Phoenix: “Wright. My last name is Wright.”
Maya: “It’s like if Pearly was being all formal! Aww, that would be so cute.”
The FORENSICS department has found fingerprints of Robert Blake on the gun found. We think this could be the murder weapon that killed the victim, Ms. Mila Kaiis. We also have found out that he is one of her friends. We have put him into the detention center.
(Gumshoe's replacement…for now)
Phoenix: “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a cooperative detective.”
Maya: “But hey, you’re off the hook now, Nick.”
Edgeworth: “Why have you been informed of this, Wright? You have no client and are not involved in this case. Are you planning to defend the murderer of your friend?”
Phoenix: “Oh no, not this again…”
Maya: “Wait, what’s with that last part? Gumshoe’s been replaced? That’s really sad.”
"Nick, Gumshoe has been replaced? That's really sad," Maya said.
Maya: “I know! Nick, cheer me and my fic-me up.”
"Don't worry, Maya. He is replaced…for now," Phoenix replied.
Maya: “That’s not cheering either of me up! You’re just repeating the sadness!”
Phoenix: “Why is Gumshoe even here!? I thought this was Japan now.”
Maya: “If it's Japan, how did we even get there?”
Phoenix: “Where are we!?”
"He's so much more professional than Gumshoe. I wish this Riley guy can stick a while longer," Phoenix thought.
Edgeworth: “Could, not can. Also, stick to what?”
Phoenix: “I’ve noticed you really haven’t ripped in to the grammar on this like you have the others.”
Edgeworth: “It’s curious. The author seems to have a rudimentary grasp of the English language but not even a child’s understanding of law.”
"Come on Nick, let's go and meet this guy right now! Before any press and the prosecutors question him!"
Phoenix: “Uh, Maya, he’s already in the detention center. Chances are they’ve already questioned him at this point.”
Maya: “Knowing our luck he’s being questioned when we get there too. Just what do they keep asking those people!?”
Then they went inside the detention room. They saw a black-skin guy with an afro. He looked worried.
Edgeworth: “…You have to be kidding me. ‘A black-skin guy?’”
Phoenix: “That’s the best description of an African-American you could come up with, author?”
Edgeworth: “Even ‘a black skinned guy’ would have sufficed!”
Maya: “Sheesh, and you called me
racist for talking about ninjas.”
"Hello Mr. Blake," Phoenix said to Robert as he sat down opposite him.
"I didn't kill Mila! Yes, I was there, but I didn't kill her," Robert yelled.
Phoenix: “Slow down, champ. I didn’t even ask a question yet.”
"Mr. Blake, please calm down. Just tell me what you knew about Mila and explain the incident."
"…I don't like to talk to lawyers who accuse people as the murderer."
Phoenix: “I’m a defense attorney. I do the exact opposite of that…”
Maya: “At least until court, anyway.”
Phoenix: “You’d think the real culprits would stop setting themselves as witnesses eventually.”
"Mr. Blake, you can trust me. I'm sure both of us really, truly want to find Mila's killer. I'm not those type of lawyers, I'm actually…Mila's friend too."
Edgeworth: “I take it back. The grammar in this is awful too. It is merely disguised by stretches of legible writing.”
Maya: “So if this guy’s also Mila’s friend do you know him too, Nick?”
Phoenix: “I have no idea. Why don’t I know any of these people!?”
Maya: “You weren’t brained with a fire extinguisher before we got here, were you?”
Phoenix: “I… don’t think so…”
Maya: “Omigosh, Nick! Do you remember me!?
Edgeworth: “Miss Fey, I’m fairly certain these characters are all creations of the author’s design and shoved awkwardly in to Wright’s life.”
Phoenix: “I feel so retconned…”
"If you're telling the truth…then I trust your words," Robert said,
Maya: “But if you’re lying, then watch out! He doesn’t trust your words!”
"Mila was always kind and truthful. I learned that when we went to college together. That time, she was already famous. She only spent 2 years with me in college, after that, she went to acting.
Phoenix: “So she was famous before
she started acting? What did she do before then?”
???: “You know what makes girls famous in college, Nick!”
Edgeworth: “Larry, I don’t know how you keep getting in here but kindly leave without another word.”
Phoenix: “And take me with you.”
She was already very popular in Japan even before dropping out of college; but she wanted to be bigger.
Phoenix: “Okay, and why was she popular in Japan
but not here?”
“I know how she feels wanting to be bigger.”
Maya: “I can’t reach the top shelf on anything. It sucks!”
Maya: “Hey, what did you think I meant!?”
Maya: *puffs cheeks*
She had a gig in the Japanese movie coming out next month.
Edgeworth: “I was not aware Japan only allowed one movie to be made at a time.”
But I knew who she hated the most. She had also been offered a gig in Hollywood, but her manager, Nathan Black, terminated it. She was very upset when she found out it was terminated.
Edgeworth: “How is ‘who she hated the most’ relevant? She’s not the one accused of murder here. She is the victim.”
Maya: “I guess he hated her back?”
Phoenix: “He must if he’s going out of his way to deny her work. He’s not a very good manager.”
Since she knew I sold guns to action movies, she went inside my store and said she was doing an action movie.
Phoenix: “He sold them to the movies themselves?”
Maya: “What the heck kind of store is this? ‘Hey, I’m doing a movie, give me a gun!’”
Well, she was lying when she said that.
Edgeworth: “And if you had bothered with the mandatory licensing, training, registration, and background checks that would not have been a problem.”
She bought a gun from me, but since it was specially ordered, it needed some time. Then I found out what she wanted it for; she wanted to shoot her manager with it."
Phoenix: “Seriously? There has to be a better way to kill a guy than by leaving an obvious paper trail and using a specially customized gun.”
Maya: “That’s like using the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile as a get-away car.”
"Wait, what? Mila isn't the type of people who kill.
Edgeworth: “‘Person who kills.’”
Anyways, she's already pretty famous here in Japan!" Phoenix, surprised, said.
Phoenix: “But… we live in L.A.”
Edgeworth: “You did it. I thought maybe we were joking but you really did it. You flew to Japan at four in the morning to investigate a case without even picking up a client first.”
Phoenix: “You’re one to talk. Didn’t you charter a private plane to visit me in the hospital?”
Edgeworth: “That would be because a certain mutual acquaintance of ours told me you were dying.
"Yeah, I know. She became very greedy. She found out that the movie Nathan had terminated became a very huge hit in the US.
Maya: “Wow, this guy had some serious power if he could stop a movie from being made.”
Edgeworth: “Before it had stated he only terminated her contract. Now he has terminated the entire film?”
Maya: “But it became a hit anyway! I guess some audiences know what they want even if they can’t have it.”
They even won 8 award ceremonies! That was what she wanted in her career. She was planning to kill Nathan and become famous."
Edgeworth: “Notoriety through crime is usually referred to as ‘infamous’ more than famous.”
"But why didn't she just fire him?" Maya asked.
"She couldn't. He signed a contract with her, and if that contract was broken, she had to give half of what she earned to him. This for her was not fair.
Phoenix: “Why would she even sign a contract like that in the first place!?”
Maya: “She’s even worse with her money than you, Nick.”
Phoenix: “Hey, I used to be good with my money until a certain girl wormed her way in to my life and started using it all…”
Maya: “Well no wonder you’re so stingy on the burgers if you keep spending all your money on your girlfriend. Wait, when did you get a girlfriend!? Why haven’t I met her!? I should get the final say on this, Nick!”
Edgeworth: “Would you care for me to field this one, Wright?”
She told me to meet her at 4 am in the morning.
Edgeworth: “One or the other. Not both.”
But when I gave her the gun, which was in this long, polished, black box, she…she…was shot. Before she could've taken the black gun, she was already killed. Sadly, I couldn't see anyone in the quiet road."
Phoenix: “So both the box and the gun are black? Is that what was so special about it?”
Edgeworth: “At least the road is still quiet.”
Phoenix: “Maybe that’s the street name: Quiet Road.”
"So you ran?" Maya asked, again.
"Of course! How can I not have run?
Phoenix: “Well, you could have stayed nearby and explained things to the police like a helpful citizen…”
Edgeworth: “I don’t even know what tense this sentence is striving for.”
If I even took the body to the police, they would have accused me that I killed her,
Edgeworth: “Not many people enter police stations carrying dead bodies, Mr. Blake. Perhaps you could have just called the police and not touched anything on the scene?”
and then I put the gun she specially bought, in the trash. I swear to you, I did not do anything wrong!"
Maya: “But didn’t they say the gun in the trash was the murder weapon? Didn’t they check to see if it had been fired and if the ballistic markings lined up?”
Edgeworth: “It’s a sad day when a spirit medium knows more about police investigations than the supposed police.”
"Thank you, Mr. Blake; you have made this case very clear to me. I'll see you later in court," Phoenix stated.
Maya: “Sounds like you have it figured out, Nick. What happened?”
Phoenix: “I’m going to say no one bothered to run any tests on the gun they found in the trash and that Mila was shot by her manager shortly before this guy made it to the scene.”
Maya: “Why him?”
Phoenix: “Because he’s the only other person in this story besides the new prosecutor and the murderer in the flashback was male.”
Edgeworth: “You are forgetting the detective replacing Gumshoe.”
Maya: “For now.”
Edgeworth: “Replacing Gumshoe… for now.”
Phoenix: “Oh yeah. I still say it’s the manager because the author made a special point to say Mila hated him.”
Then they went out of the detention room. It was very clear now that he had explained why she called Nick.
Maya: “It was very clear that it was a quiet street.”
"Nick, why don't we go to her manager's office?"
"That was exactly what I was thinking."
Edgeworth: “It would seem your avatar up on screen has the same intuition.”
Maya: “Well, we didn’t find him in a dumpster beside the crime scene, but this is close enough.”
Then they headed off to Nathan's office.
Phoenix: “I’ve noticed something. All these people have strikingly American names for supposedly Japanese natives.”
Edgeworth: “That is probably just as well. I don’t think I could last through a fan fiction stuffed full of random Japanese words and honorifics whose only purpose is to prove the author watches too much anime.”
Maya: “Aww, but Edgeworth-san, you’re so kawaii when you talk like that!”
Edgeworth: “Miss Fey, you will stop that this instant.”
"Hello, young attorney. What can I do for you today? Do you want to be the cover of 'Headless' Magazine?
Maya: “Nick, he’s going to cut off our heads and pose us for his snuff magazine! We have to get out of there!”
Or why not act in a TV show; I think I have just the right character for you to play!" Nathan cried as he looked at Phoenix and Maya heading inside the room.
Maya: “Oooh, a TV show?”
Phoenix: “Weren’t you just yelling how we should leave?”
Maya: “That was before I was promised fame and glory. Maybe he could get me a singing career! You could be my roadie!”
Phoenix: “Doesn’t Master of Kurain carry its own fame and glory?”
Maya: “Just political power. That’s boring.”
"Well, I'm not here for acting, I'm just here to ask a few questions about Ms. Mila Kaiis," Phoenix explained.
His happy, perky face went into serious mode.
Phoenix: “Whose face? My face?”
Maya: “Hehe, you have a perky face?”
Edgeworth: “It’s certainly referring to you, Wright, though I believe it means Mr. Black.”
Maya: “Show me your perky face, Nick!”
Phoenix: “You’ll have to settle for my exasperated one for the time being.”
"Oh, well there's not much to talk about," Nathan said, "I am her manager, her hair stylist, her assistant, her EVERYTHING!"
Maya: “Oh, so like I am to you, Nick! You know, minus hair stylist.”
Phoenix: “You aren’t getting near the spikes.”
Maya: “And I guess I’m not really your everything either. Who’s this girlfriend you mentioned anyway!?”
Phoenix: “Maya, there is no girlfriend!”
"I know, Mr. Black. She has been murdered. I've heard that she had a contract with you, is that true?"
"Of course it is! Why can I become her manager then?
Edgeworth: “What is that question even trying to ask? ‘How else would I become her manager,’ perhaps?”
Maya: “Maybe he’s asking why he can’t become her manager? It’s because she’s dead, dummy.”
She acted very sweet, but if you knew her deep, deep inside,
???: “Hehe, ‘deep, deep inside.”
Edgeworth: “Larry Bartholomew Butz, you will leave this theater at once.”
Larry: “Okay, mom
Maya: “His middle name’s Bartholomew?”
Edgeworth: “I actually have no idea.”
she is a very cunning person. At first, she was shy and nice, but after a while, she got very crazy and immature!"
Phoenix: “So the opposite of shy is crazy and the opposite of nice is immature?”
"What? Mila IS not that kind of person, she-she's kind, and sweet, and-"Maya explained.
Edgeworth: “That is certainly an odd place for emphasis. I’d have emphasized the ‘not’ personally.”
Phoenix: “I’d have said ‘was’ too. She’s dead.”
Maya: “You really don’t care much about your dead friend, do you, Nick?”
Phoenix: “I’d probably care more if I even knew who she was in the first place.”
"HEY, YOUNG GIRL! DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING A THING! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER! SHE IS A TROLL! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOOK AT HER CAREFULLY!" Nathan interrupted, he was very red.
Edgeworth: “Nngh, caps lock disease and a run-on sentence to boot.”
Maya: “I don’t want
to look at her carefully! She’s dead!”
"Nick, I'm scared of this creepy guy," Maya whispered to Phoenix's ear.
Maya: “He is kinda creepy.”
"I know, I'm scared too," Phoenix whispered back.
Phoenix: “Agreed, fic-me.”
Nathan coughed. "I think I have a meeting in another minute, my assistant will lead you out now."
Maya: “So he was Mila’s assistant but he has an assistant of his own? Nick, get me
Phoenix: “Doesn’t Pearls count?”
Maya: “Hey yeah! Now get Pearly an assistant.”
Phoenix: “What would Pearls even have an assistant do?
Edgeworth: “Likely aid in her schemes to force you two in to a romantic relationship.”
Phoenix: “No assistant for Pearls. Got it.”
"Thank you for your time…um, Mr. Black."
"You as well," Nathan replied.
The assistant brought them out.
Edgeworth: “She brought you out? You were already there.”
Phoenix: “The author must mean ‘led us out’ or ‘took us out.’”
Edgeworth: “It is becoming more and more apparent this author does not speak English as a primary language.”
"So…you should know Mr. Black's behavior, I'm sure," Phoenix said to the assistant.
Edgeworth: “You’re tattling on him to his assistant now, Wright?”
Phoenix: “Hey, if he’s going to act like a child I’m going to treat him like one.”
"He IS very scary towards everyone; even to Ms. Kaiis. I have overheard him yelling at the young missy here,
Maya: “I’m a grown woman, thank you!”
Phoenix: “You could be young compared to the assistant. We don’t know how old she is yet.”
Maya: “I suppose. We’ve had witnesses even call you
and that was not his worst cry, in fact, it was a Level 1 in his 'shouting' scale."
Maya: “Nick, what does the scouter say about his shouting level!?”
Phoenix: “It’s only level one.”
Maya: “Oh, well that’s not very impressive.”
"Nick, can you NOT make him mad in court?" whispered Maya to Phoenix.
"No promises, Maya," he whispered back.
Edgeworth: “Are you capable of leaving anyone
in a good mood on the stand, Wright?”
Phoenix: “Well maybe if they’d stop lying to my face…”
"She was very friendly towards me.
Maya: “I just met the assistant and she already thinks I’m friendly? I guess I just come off that way, huh?”
Please, find her killer before she attacks another person!" the assistant said.
Maya: “Oh no, I’m dead!”
Phoenix: “She means Mila’s killer, Maya.”
Maya: “Oh, but… ‘she’ was still referring to me I thought.”
Edgeworth: “This is why I’m such a stickler for grammar, Miss Fey.”
Maya: “Whatever. I just want to live through one of these fics.”
"I'll try my best! Can we call you a witness of Mr. Black's mad behavior?"
"Of course!" the assistant yelled.
Maya: “Why are you yelling!?”
Phoenix: “I’ve never seen someone so excited about being called to testify in court.”
"SHANICE! COME HERE IMMEDIATELY!" Nathan shouted, which we heard from the entrance.
Edgeworth: “Oh wonderful. Now it’s suddenly in the first person.”
Maya: “He’s so loud even the narrator heard him!”
"Coming sir!" she shouted back, "I'm afraid I have to leave now, thank you for visiting Mr. Black."
Then she ran towards Nathan's office.
Phoenix: “But she missed and hit the wall.”
Maya: “At least she was close!”
"Alright, Nick. Where are we heading next?" Maya asked.
Phoenix: “Well, we should probably go back to the detention center and double check this with our client.”
Maya: “Let’s go catch a movie instead. We already know the manager is the killer.”
Edgeworth: “Is this how you usually investigate, Wright? Wandering around aimlessly until your assistant gets you distracted?”
Phoenix: “Eh, pretty much.”
Edgeworth: “…How did I lose to this?”
Nick's phone rang.
Dear Mr. Phoenix,
Phoenix: “Wright. My last name is Wright.”
Maya: “Déjà vu!”
We all, detectives, policemen and lawyers, are told to take a rest for today. Tomorrow, we begin to examine witnesses in the courtroom. Please be prepared, Mr. Phoenix, your opponent is Ms. Jenna Reed. Get a goodnight's sleep.
Edgeworth: “Mr. Finnegan, you have no jurisdiction over a private attorney. Furthermore, who issued this order to ‘take a rest?’ This is absurd.”
Phoenix: “Why does this guy have my number anyway? Don’t tell me he’s another friend I don’t know about.”
Maya: “So Jenna Reeds is Jenna Reed for sure now? Are these two different women with very similar names or did the author just forget his own characters?”
(Replacement of Gumshoe for this case)
Maya: “Oh no, it doesn’t say ‘for now’ any more! Gumshoe’s been replaced forever!”
Phoenix: “He was taken from us too soon.”
Edgeworth: “Every bone in the man’s body was loyal to the core. Though he tried and he failed, his effort was at the very least admirable.”
Maya: “Good night, sweet Gumshoe, and a flight of ramen noodles sing thee to thy rest.”
"Nick, we can't stop investigating now! We haven't gotten a lot of evidence or witnesses! We can't stop now!" Maya cried.
Phoenix: “Don’t cry, Maya. Gumshoe will be back on the next case, I’m sure.”
Maya: “B-but he’s always there with his goofy smile and his ‘pals’ and… this new guy can’t even get your last name right. Gumshoe could at least do that.”
It was already pretty late in Japan, it was 6 pm.
Edgeworth: “Six in the evening is not particularly late.”
Maya: “At least it’s not ‘6 pm in the evening,’ right?”
Phoenix: “Maybe it means it’s late here while it’s 6 pm in Japan?”
Edgeworth: “Hmm, Tokyo is 16 hours ahead of us. That would make it 2 am the previous day here. That’s technically early but it could be construed as late.”
Phoenix and Maya were forced to sleep; they did research for 5 hours, tried to get some evidence, but in the end, they HAD to sleep.
Maya: “We were ‘forced’ to sleep? Like, gun-to-our-heads forced?”
Phoenix: “Geez, they send you a text message to sleep and they mean it.”
Edgeworth: “So Japan is a police state in this alternate universe? That might explain the incompetence displayed during the investigation thus far. It’s not negligence; it’s corruption.”
THE NEXT DAY, IN THE OFFICE, 10.21 am
Phoenix: “Now we’re back in the office?”
Maya: “There’s no way we got back to America that quickly! Nick, can you teleport?”
Edgeworth: “You had better not still be in your office. It’s almost 10:30 and court always starts at 10 am sharp.”
Maya: “Sis did always say you had trouble telling time.”
Phoenix: “So I was a little late once in a while!”
"Morning, Maya! Are you ready for the examination?" Phoenix greeted. Like normal, he made his black coffee and sat down on the couch.
Maya: “E-examination!? Nick, you are not
a licensed doctor!”
Phoenix: “I… don’t think it means that kind of examination.”
Maya: “You keep your prying hands away from me!”
Edgeworth: “Honestly, Wright, she is hardly that type of girl.”
Phoenix: “You guys sure love picking on the man who saved you from the death penalty…”
"Hey Nick! I'm kind of ready, I guess, how 'bout you?"
Maya: “Quiet, fic-me! I am not
ready to be examined!”
Phoenix: “I’m pretty sure it means we’re going to cross-examine the witnesses.”
Maya: “Well then why didn’t you ask if I was ready for court? That would have been way less disturbing.”
Edgeworth: “Wording things properly hasn’t exactly been a priority in this so far.”
"Well, I'm sort of ready too. I'm pretty scared we don't have enough evidence to convict the witnesses…but I'm sure the detectives and the stuck-up lawyer, Ms. Reed won't have enough evidence too, right?"
Edgeworth: “Convict the witnesses, Wright? This is really your strategy?”
Phoenix: “What? No! It just turns out like that!”
Edgeworth: “I always had my assumptions. You really do just try to pin the crime on innocent people fulfilling their civic duty instead of allaying the accusations brought on your client, don’t you?”
He was wrong. They all had enough evidence to convict the witnesses.
Edgeworth: “So even the prosecution is convicting the witnesses now!?”
Phoenix: “Awesome. My job just got easier.”
Edgeworth: “That matters little when court has already begun and you’re lazing about your office making unsettling passes at your legal aid.”
Maya: “We could still make it if you got me that time controlling fur coat, Nick. There’s a pass I wouldn’t mind. Oh… but your girlfriend probably would…”
Phoenix: *buries his head in his hands*
“…How did this happen?”
Very unlucky for Nick, 'but this happens often, right?' that's what Phoenix told the judge.
Edgeworth: “You're not being billed by the sentence, author. You may use more than one.”
COURTROOM 3, 11.15 am
"This happens, right, your honor?" Phoenix said.
Edgeworth: “Showing up an hour and fifteen minutes late does not just ‘happen,’ Wright.”
"No, it doesn't.
Phoenix: “As always, the judge agrees with the prosecution.”
Maya: “Well he has a point this time, Nick.”
But I'm sure you are a good attorney, Mr. Wright.
Maya: “Is he trying to console you?”
Edgeworth: “I believe the judge is talking down to you, Wright.”
“I’m used to it.”
The court is going to continue the murder case of Ms. Mila Kaiis," the judge said, "Ms. Jenna Reeds as the lawyer of the Kaiis' family. To inform everyone here, the Kaiis' family recommended solving this case today."
Edgeworth: “So she really is a private attorney then? Why is a state prosecutor not assigned to a murder case? This is a travesty.”
Maya: “I like how they had to recommend solving the case.”
Phoenix: “I know, right? What did they think we were going to do?”
Maya: “We could have set up a TV and ordered pizza and had a court lock-in! That would be so cool!”
"It's fine, your honor, the sooner we find the killer, the better," Jenna said.
Edgeworth: “You’ve already found the killer! As the prosecutor it’s your solemn duty to convict the accused. You are a disgrace, Ms. Reeds… Reed… whomever!”
Maya: “I thought you stopped acting like that.”
Edgeworth: “It is my job to convict, Miss Fey. It is the defense attorney’s job to exonerate. Between the two of us we chip away the lies to reveal the shimmering gem of truth. It is a symbiotic relationship that should be preserved no matter our personal feelings.”
Maya: “That’s the Edgeworth I know.”
Edgeworth: “Meanwhile, this so-called ‘prosecutor’ is attempting to convict witnesses like the Wright we know…”
Phoenix: “If they would stop being so guilty I wouldn’t do it!”
The judge smiled for a millisecond,
Maya: “Wow, he’s fast.”
Phoenix: “Pretty spry for an old guy.”
and then firmly told the bailiff to bring in the first witness, the owner of the My Café coffee shop, Mr. Daniel Cornel, who was a very perky and tidy person who loved fashion. Sadly for Phoenix, he didn't have time to chat with him.
Phoenix: “Why would I want
to chat with him?”
Maya: “For tips? You aren’t perky, tidy, or
Phoenix: “I’m tidy!”
"Mr. Cornel, please tell me what you have witnessed at the crime scene," the judge said.
Edgeworth: “Your theory is losing weight, Wright.”
Phoenix: “What theory?”
Edgeworth: “About the manager being the killer because he is the only other man in the story.”
Phoenix: “Oh yeah. We did just have another one pop out of nowhere, didn’t we?”
Maya: “Stick to your guns, Nick! It’s totally the manager!”
"I totally remembered what happened! Mila, walked down the hollow street.
Phoenix: “So now the quiet street’s hollow too?”
Maya: “Well that doesn’t sound very safe. Heavy trucks would just fall right through!”
Edgeworth: “And people wonder why the city’s roads are in such disrepair.”
She was wearing this hideous red fur coat, which was totally not her style. Then, I saw some guy with an afro who gave her some black box!
Maya: “Like a flight recorder? That’s a weird thing to give her.”
Phoenix: “The black box containing the black gun, remember?”
Maya: “Oh yeah.”
Edgeworth: “Her coat was brown before, was it not?”
Phoenix: “I’ll call him on that soon enough, I’m sure.”
Edgeworth: “And prove what, exactly?”
Phoenix: “That her coat was brown, I guess.”
If I am correct, which I am 99.9% sure, is that it was a 'Falcon' pen box.
Maya: “I thought it was a gun box, now it’s a falcon pen? This guy’s trying to pin the murder on a bird!?”
Edgeworth: “Falcon is a brand of pen. It’s highly expensive and, frankly, even I don’t see the point.”
Phoenix: “A pen is a pen as far as I’m concerned.”
Maya: “So these are like pens for falcons to use? Falcons can’t write! This whole testimony is full of contradictions!”
Edgeworth: “It is just the brand name, Miss Fey…”
I know since I have had one myself. I didn't saw anyone shooting Mila,
Edgeworth: “See, not saw.”
Maya: “Hehe, seesaw.”
I only heard the sound of the gunshot, but it seems to me that the afro guy did it, since he dumped the gun into the nearest trash bin, then I called the police."
Phoenix: “So this guy saw everything, including the defendant not shooting Mila, yet he still suspects him?”
Edgeworth: “Throwing something away is not firing a gun. Did this prosecutor not prepare her witness at all!?”
"Nick, he's pretty good, but I can see a crack in his statement!" Maya whispered to Phoenix.
Maya: “I see a lot of them, actually.”
"I know, Maya. I can spot it too."
Edgeworth: “I would hope to shout, Wright.”
"Hmm…it seems to me you know your fashion," the judge said.
Phoenix: “Besides the author telling us this, what evidence is there the witness ‘knows fashion?’”
Maya: “Well, he thought Mila’s coat was ugly.”
Phoenix: “And I think Edgeworth’s lobster bib looks silly, but that doesn’t make me a fashion designer.”
Edgeworth: “It is a cravat!
"Of course, I can help you with your style after this," Daniel replied.
The judge ignored his statement. "Mr. Wright, you may start your cross-examination now."
Phoenix: “I guess the judge doesn’t like his sense of style insulted.”
Maya: “I like his style. If he had a hat he’d look like a wizard!”
"Gladly, your honor," then he looked back at Daniel. "Mr. Cornel, you know your fashion, am I right?" Phoenix strongly said.
Maya: “How do you say something strongly?”
Phoenix: “Maybe I’m flexing while I speak.”
Phoenix: “Come on, I’ve bulked up a little
"Uh, how many times should I tell you people, I am the KING of fashion!"
Edgeworth: “Then why is the ‘King of Fashion’ running a two bit café?”
Maya: “KING is in all caps again. It’s another secret agency or something!”
Phoenix: “I suppose this is a bit more interesting when you think of it as a spy drama.”
Maya: “We would make such an awesome film noir detective team, Nick! One more reason I need a fur coat.”
Phoenix: “Those… aren’t exactly the same genres.”
Maya: “Those detectives always smoke and drink anyway. You’re not doing that in front of Pearly.”
Phoenix: “I’m not even a detective! I’m a lawyer!”
Maya: “You still hunt for clues. You show up in court. Detectives do that stuff!”
Phoenix: “Oh, now that’s really
Maya: “You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to have nice things.”
Edgeworth: “Let me know when you two are finished bickering like a married couple.”
"I know, Mr. Cornel, but you should know the difference between brown and red. Everyone knows the difference between these 2 colors."
Maya: “Unless they’re colorblind. Don’t be so insensitive, Nick.”
"What does this have to do with me?"
Phoenix: “Well I said ‘everyone.’ I’d assume you’re covered in that, Mr. Cornel.”
Maya: “He’s not included in ‘everyone’ because he’s a cyborg too! Codename: KING!”
Edgeworth: “And what, pray tell, do you think this one stands for?”
Maya: “Uh… Killer Indigo Nose Goblin.”
Phoenix: “I can see why they just went with KING.”
"Mr. Cornel, the coat she was wearing was brown, not red. Do you have anything to say about that?"
Phoenix: “Let me guess, he’ll just say he was mistaken because he was looking out a tinted window and I’m back to square one.”
"It's not, its red! Maroon red! It's her style!" Daniel shot back.
Phoenix: “Or he can be a total idiot and deny established facts.”
Edgeworth: “I can’t help but notice your primary strength lies in the stupidity of others.”
Phoenix: “Go with what works, I guess.”
"Now what you just said gave me another question for you, Mr. Cornel.
Maya: “What does KING really stand for?”
Phoenix: “That is not my question.”
You said that what she was wearing was so out of style, but now you're saying red is her style? That's quite confusing."
"…What are you doing? If you want to prove my style, don't do it in court! This has nothing to do with the girl's murder case!"
Phoenix: “Prove his style? Is this guy known for wearing fur coats too?”
Maya: “Don’t be mad ‘cause he’s stylin’ on you, Nick.”
"Well, Mr. Cornel, it does. These small unclear statements might just lead us to our killer. Please answer the question-"
"OBJECTION! I have to agree with Mr. Cornel. How can this be helpful?"
Edgeworth: “And Ms. Reed finally pipes up… I think.”
Phoenix: “I don’t know who else would be objecting to me.”
Edgeworth: “Some indication of who’s speaking would help. Still, I’m curious why the witness mistaking the color of the coat matters at all. Everything else seems correct as far as we know it.”
"I can see where Mr. Wright is going, Ms. Reed, if you can't see that, then you are not such a good lawyer as I thought," the judge said, "Continue, Mr. Wright."
Maya: “Ooh, sick burn by Udgey.”
Phoenix: “Yeah, Edgeworth, can’t you see where I’m going? Perhaps you aren’t a good a lawyer as he thought.”
Edgeworth: “And just where are
you going with this, Wright?”
Phoenix: “Uh… read on and we’ll see! You. I mean you’ll
"Thank you, your honor. Mr. Cornel, I think you weren't there, were you?"
Edgeworth: “That seems to be your usual leaping to conclusions.”
Phoenix: “But… he owns
the café! Why wouldn’t he be there?”
Maya: “Maybe he just leaves randomly throughout the day like Jean Armstrong.”
Edgeworth: “I presume you have some proof of this wild claim, Wright.”
Phoenix: “Of course I do.” (Curse you, speaking before thinking reflex!)
Edgeworth: “If you’re so certain, present it to the court.”
Phoenix: “…Not until the residing prosecutor asks.”
Edgeworth: “She had better…”
"H-how can you say that! I WAS there!"
Phoenix: “How come no one ever asks the witnesses for proof?”
Edgeworth: “They swore an oath to remain honest.”
Maya: “Has any witness ever actually told the truth, though?”
Edgeworth: “Colias Palaeno.”
Edgeworth: “Which reminds me; if you’re ever headed to the Principality of Cohdopia, I have some coupons you can use.”
"I don't think so. You couldn't answer the question about the confusing statements you said yourself,
Maya: “Mr. Edgeworth’s right, Nick. How does that prove he wasn’t there?”
Phoenix: “Look, I don’t know. I’m done backing up this fictional me.”
and I'm sure this black box that you thought was a 'Falcon' box, I prove you wrong.
Edgeworth: “English, Wright, do you speak it?”
Phoenix: “I’m sure that English that you thought I was speaking, I prove you wrong.”
Maya: “A royale with cheese!”
Maya: “What, I can’t play too?”
For a guy who knows fashion, you don't know a thing about fashion at all.
Maya: “What the heck does a pen box have to do with fashion?”
Phoenix: “I guess they’re very fashionable pens.”
Edgeworth: “Pens are hardly a fashion statement. They’re writing utensils, Wright. No matter how expensive they may be they are not an accessory.”
Phoenix: “I think Edgeworth knows more about clothes than you do, Maya.”
Maya: “And I’m a girl!”
This is the black box that was witnessed as the box found in the crime scene, can you explain that?
Phoenix: “Wait a second, where did I get that?”
Edgeworth: “Only the gun was found in the trash. The box presumably went missing.”
Maya: “You can make evidence appear out of thin air, Nick! You should start a career as a magician!”
Phoenix: “I don’t have to paint my face and go around shirtless, do I?”
Maya: “But, Nick, you’d be so fabulous!”
Anyways, I've had a 'Falcon' pen before, and you have one too, so you should know it was definitely NOT the box."
Maya: “Why would you
have an expensive designer pen, Mr. Cheap-Skate?”
Edgeworth: “You’re bluffing, Wright. There’s no way you would own such a frivolous object, even if you could afford one.”
Phoenix: “As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right. Bulk rate ballpoints are where it’s at.”
"That seems quite strange, doesn't it?" the judge said.
Edgeworth: “Missing evidence appearing in Wright’s hand is indeed strange, Your Honor. I would recommend an investigation immediately.”
Phoenix: “In to what, exactly?”
Edgeworth: “Jenna Reed’s incompetence.”
"Err… he said he may have been true, it wasn't positive!" Ms. Reed yelled.
Edgeworth: “Case in point. Her rebuttal makes me want to hand my King of Prosecutors trophy to Winston Payne.”
Phoenix: “You still have that thing? I thought you didn’t even want it in the first place.”
Edgeworth: “I seem to accumulate a lot of things I never asked for, such as geriatric stalkers, bumbling detectives, and-”
???: “And sexy thieves!”
Edgeworth: “Kay, I have no idea where you are or how you come and go as you please, but do not put words in my mouth.”
Kay: “First you don’t want me stealing and now you don’t want me giving. Make up your mind!”
Maya: “I thought they sealed your entrances. How did you even get in here?”
Kay: “I think the plot holes in these stories rip holes in the fabric of the theater or something. I dunno, but I'm outta here.”
Edgeworth: “Kay, wait, take us... blast it.”
"…So let me ask one more time. Were you there when Ms. Mila Kaiis was murdered?"
Maya: “Well he gave up in a hurry.”
Phoenix: “If everyone broke like that we’d finish trials in a single day.”
"Why did you lie? We had a deal!" Ms. Reed shouted to Daniel.
Edgeworth: “…In the middle of court, Ms. Reed? You’re clamoring about making deals with witnesses in the middle of court?”
Phoenix: “What kind of deal would she make anyway? It’s not like a witness needs to make a plea bargain.”
Maya: “In this universe the witnesses are convicted, remember?”
Phoenix: “Oh yeah. No shortened sentence for this guy.”
"Did you know, Mr. Phoenix, My Café was…not very good in the business.
Phoenix: “Just like how you’re not very good in the speaking?”
I needed to grab people's attentions!
Maya: “All of them! All of the attentions!”
I found out one of my customers was there when Mila was killed."
Edgeworth: “Just a customer? I’d hope some workers would be there as well.”
Phoenix: “Mila was killed at four in the morning, too. Would this place even be open? Dinky shops like this usually don’t go for 24 hours.”
Maya: “Maybe he was camped outside waiting for it to open.”
Phoenix: “…You’ve done that in front of burger joints, haven’t you?”
Maya: “N-no, of course not. That’s crazy. You’re
"Who was it?" Phoenix cried. In his head, he was SO happy that he cracked this guy.
Maya: “Crying on the outside while smiling on the inside? That’s the exact opposite
of what Sis taught you to do, Nick!”
Edgeworth: “You seem a bit too elated as easily as the man fessed up, Wright.”
Phoenix: “Well I did have to conjure up missing evidence to do it. I’d hate to see my magical powers wasted.”
"Great job, Nick!" Maya whispered to Phoenix.
Maya: “Great job, Nick! Now conjure me up a burger.”
Phoenix: “I only conjure evidence.”
Maya: “Oh, then conjure up Mila’s fur coat. I want it.”
Phoenix: “So you’ve said…”
"It was… it was Mr. Cole Caramel…"
Maya: “He sounds delicious!”
Phoenix: “This guy knows all his customers by name? He must really not get that many.”
The 2 lawyers, Nick and Jenna, looked at the judge.
Maya: “Why, what’s he doing?”
"We'll take a 20 minute-recess while we call Mr. Caramel to the courtroom," the judge stated.
Edgeworth: “It only takes 20 minutes to subpoena a man who, before this moment, was completely unrelated to the case?”
Phoenix: “If he didn’t come forward before he’s probably in on it and skipped town by now.”
Everyone went outside.
Maya: “Woohoo! Recess!”
Phoenix: “Not that kind of recess.”
Maya: “Well I know that now.
I was kinda disappointed when we didn’t have slides or monkey bars out back.”
Phoenix: (I probably shouldn’t admit I was too…)
"Nick! You aced that guy who lied about seeing the crime scene!" Maya joyfully said.
Edgeworth: “If he really wasn’t at the scene, why did he know so many details?”
Phoenix: “Why did he harp on them being a pen box and a red coat anyway? Why not just say it was a box and a coat if he didn’t know facts?”
Edgeworth: “Part of me wants to say these details are important to the story and Mr. Cornel will once again be a relevant character but my heart of hearts knows that isn’t true.”
Suddenly, Ms. Jenna Reeds looked at Phoenix and went towards him and Maya.
Maya: “Hey, she got her S back! Good for her!”
Phoenix: “Why is she coming over to talk to me?”
Edgeworth: “She’s suddenly realized she’s in over her head impersonating a prosecutor and desperately needs advice from a licensed attorney.”
"That was a decent job, rookie. But let's see if you can defend yourself after this break!" Jenna said, and then she went off.
Phoenix: “Defend myself?
Don’t tell me I’m being accused again!”
Edgeworth: “On what grounds could she possibly make that case? Last time she accused you it was because you were a friend of the victim.”
Maya: “I’m just glad it’s not me for a change.”
"Nick, that woman creeps me out," Maya said.
Maya: “Actually she makes me feel kind of sorry for her. She just wanted to play prosecutor and now she’s in a real trial and has no idea what she’s doing.”
Edgeworth: “What she’s doing is a crime and deserves no sympathy.”
Phoenix: “Didn’t you illegally act as a defense attorney?”
Edgeworth: “You mean at your behest?”
Edgeworth: “It was for the greater good. This lost little girl on the other hand is just ruining the trial regarding an apparently famous actress.”
The 20 minutes passed REALLY QUICK. Soon they were back inside the courtroom.
Maya: “Wow, I’m not even going to attempt that acronym.”
Phoenix: “Wouldn’t the 20 minutes just take 20 minutes?”
Maya: “Well, you know…”
Phoenix: “Fur coats do not give you time powers!”
Maya: “Spoil sport.”
"Mr. Wright, are you defending yourself today?" the judge asked Phoenix.
Edgeworth: “So because it was proven the first witness did not actually see the crime they let the defendant go and accused his lawyer of the murder instead? I… I need Tylenol.”
Phoenix: “Maya, you always make some kind of nonsensical sense out of these stories. Help.”
Maya: “I got nothin’.”
Phoenix: “Welp, we’re all doomed then.”
"Good luck Nick!" Maya told Phoenix.
"I'll do my best, Maya."
Phoenix: “How do I even begin defending myself where there’s no case against me!?”
Maya: “Congratulations, you won by default?”
Edgeworth: “I almost wish this story just had a second chapter just so I could see where the author was going with this. It would be like some kind of psychological study.”
Then the examination started.
Maya: “I said no touching! No wonder you have to defend yourself, you perv!”
Edgeworth: “In court and everything, Wright? I dare say you’ve out done ‘Director’ Hotti.”
Phoenix: “Oh for the love of…”
Maya: “Just what will your girlfriend think?”
Phoenix: “For the last time, Maya, I was talking about you.”
Maya: *turns beet red*
“Wh-what? N-Nick, I had no idea…”
Phoenix: “Ack! No, no, I-I meant you’re expensive and you eat too much.”
Maya: “Oh now that’s nice!”
Edgeworth: “You certainly have a way with words, Wright.”
Phoenix: “That wasn’t what I… It was a joke! I was just trying to make a joke and things got out of hand and… and how did this happen!?”
Maya: “Well it wasn’t a funny joke, Nick. You really hurt my feelings.”
Phoenix: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry. Look, I’ll make it up to you.”
Maya: *crosses arms*
"And just how do you plan to do that?"
Phoenix: "...I'll think of something, okay?"
Edgeworth: “She did express great interest in furs, Wright.”
Maya: “My friendship can’t be bought… but it’s a start. C’mon, Nick, let’s go shopping. You owe me!”
Phoenix: “Edgeworth, I am going to kill you.”
Edgeworth: “Hardly the thing to say to a state prosecutor.”[Edgeworth stands and dusts himself off, watching as Maya leads a reluctant Phoenix off by the hand. He looks back to the blank screen and sighs. The suffering has only begun again.]
Last edited by nevertalk on Thu Jun 06, 2013 1:07 am, edited 4 times in total.