steven bootyverse: human of badd
Phoenix: There is no way that’s a typo. He did that on purpose.
Pearl: But why?
Garnet: He probably thinks it’s funny. It’s not.
peral and garnit and amathest had jus called the police to see if they can find the mr phoenix wright guy cause he tryed to shoot steven
Phoenix: Oh right, that did happen in this story, didn’t it? I’d kinda tried to block it out of my mind.
Amethyst: Why call the cops? We’d probably just hunt you down ourselves.
Phoenix: ...Keeping in mind this is all fictional, of course…
"ok" said police chierf "wats he look like"
"he wears cloths and has hair" sayed steven
Maya: Wow. What an amazingly specific description. It’s almost like it doesn’t fit absolutely everyone in this room.
Pearl: Well, technically, we don’t have clothes or hair, in the human sense. Our physical appearances are merely hard light projections formed by our gems-
Amethyst: Pearl, I don’t think they care.
"oh u mean phoenix wirght?" said police chief who was actualy DAMON GANT
Phoenix: Oh jeez, this guy?
Steven: Who’s that?
Phoenix: He used to be the Chief of Police back in Los Angeles. That ended after he was convicted of murder, though.
Maya: And you’re the one who caught him!
Phoenix: [Sheepishly] W-Well, it wasn’t all me…
Amethyst: Wait, so how’d he not only end up in Beach City, but also become Chief of Police there?
Phoenix: Maybe it’ll be explained? Not that it’s likely to make sense.
"yo wat a fuck u know him?" say pearl
Pearl: I still don’t understand why I am being portrayed with such a filthy mouth.
Maya: Don’t worry, it’s not just you. Everyone swears like a sailor in jakkid’s stories.
Phoenix: Except in phoenix wright ace christian, for some reason.
"ya" say damongant "HE FRAME ME FOR MURDER"
Phoenix: ...Okay, yeah, no, that didn’t happen.
but gamon dant was lies, he really watned to get reveng on phoenix cause he killd him in damon gant escaps from PRISOOOOOOOOON
Phoenix: Okay, yeah, no, that didn’t happen. I should know, I was a sporker on that story.Management: You just haven’t been to chapter 8 yet. Which, by the way, was guest-written by our very own jakkid166!
Phoenix: You- WHAT?
Maya: Wow, jakkid really gets around.
"dam what a dicknug" said amethirst
"yes" say damongant "we gotta catch him or else ill be really sad"
Maya: Oh no, he’ll be really sad! How horrible!
"ok but how" say garnet
wit evidence said gant, he grabb his barbie backpack and say "lets go invesigate"
Steven: He has a barbie backpack?
Phoenix: Well, he was kind of a strange man. Evil, but strange as well. A little creepy. I’d believe it.
~ MEANWHILE ~
nick wright was in hi lab base plotting his plan
"ok so now i gone finally figure out what my plan is" said he
Phoenix: Well, that’s one way I haven’t seen my name said.
Amethyst: He seriously hasn’t even figured out his plan yet?
waite what you mean you havent figure it out yet?
"yeah i stil need to think it up" say phoenix
Pearl: Wait, who’s talking here?
Garnet: It seems the author is talking to Phoenix.
Phoenix: That… goes against so many rules of writing, I think my head is starting to spin.
"ok so i think i need what to do is to go home so i gotta fidn a way to get bakc home so i can enact my REAL plan, whic is so i can get to hell so i can hepl edgeghost break out of there cause satan trappd him there after i breaked out of hell"
Phoenix: Wait, what the hell? When did I end up in hell?
Maya: Yeah, I don’t remember any of this.Management: Non-sporked fanfic, sorry! You guys might end up with it at some point.
Pearl: Just how many of these are there…?
Phoenix: Also, another point here. Wasn’t I supposed to be the bad guy in this? My plan seems more genuinely good than evil.
Steven: Well, you did try to shoot me.
Maya: Maybe it’s one of those “complex motives and means” sort of things.
Phoenix: I doubt this guy has the writing capabilities to do something like that.
phoenix wernt onto his compurer and typed into google "how to get to japanifornia"
Phoenix: Hahaha, overused localization joke.
"ok" said phoenic "it says here i gott build a teleporter that wil take me back to home, but i need 2 get sumthing that will power it"
so he type in2 google "source of big power"
"ok it say here that i need to get a rare mysticality gem artifact that will pwower my portal to home"
Maya: Wow, Google’s really gotten good over the past few years.
"wait a secon i was aLREADY looking for that in tha first place"
so he ran out he door to start lookin for the arti fact
Phoenix: Wait, why was I looking for it if I didn’t know I needed it?
Pearl: Not only does this author lack grammar, he seems to lack basic logic as well.
Amethyst: You’re only getting that now?
~ MEANWHILE ~
"ok" say damongant and they wer at homeworld warpe "so dis is a place where u saw phoenix wright?"
"yes" say pearl "this is where he face"
Phoenix: Right, that’s where me face. Me face every day. Sure, why the hell not.
"ok" say gant "yes i see his fignerprints on the warpz, it look like he was tryin to GET them to work so he could use them to be teleportin"
Pearl: But humans can’t use the warps! I thought we established that!
Maya: What, do you think the author actually takes any criticism?
"bt WHERE could he want to go" say stevem
"hm" said gant "idk"
"man ur fucking useless" said pearl
Phoenix: Wow, that’s mean. Even if it’s Gant, you couldn’t expect him to be a psychic or something.
Pearl: It’s not my fault I’ve been written this way!
~ MEANWHILE ~
edgeworth was in hell gettin tortured by satin
Maya: Hey, satin’s actually a really nice fabric.
"hahaha u sukc at prosecuting" said satan
"nOOOOO stop making fuN OF MEEEE" said edworth
"but its fun" say stan
Phoenix: ...I think we have vastly different definitions on what constitutes “torture”.
"im a good at prosecutin though ig ots lots of guilty verdicts cause im a smart person with a smart brain"
"yeah well if ur so smart then why are u dead"
Maya: I dunno, if Einstein’s so smart then why is he dead?
"ok" say big nick he was wenting through the swampforest place again and he wa holding a compass
"this compas says the treasure is in dis place somewhere" he looked aroudn "i dont see it"
Phoenix: Oh, so he finally decided to put the “Big Nick” name into effect, huh?
Garnet: Oh, joy.
Steven: Why is he talking to himself?
SUDENLY gant and tha GEMS APEPARD FRO THE BUSGHES
"WHAT" sayed wright "HOW DID U FIND ME"
Phoenix: Because Gant is Sherlock Holmes, apparently.
"elementary my dear wrighto" said gant
Maya: You did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Phoenix: What? I had no idea he was going to say that…
"my names not wrighto now its BIG NICK"
Phoenix: Can we please stop using that name?
"i dont give a fukc, i know wat ur looking for and i put a fake one here for your COMPASS TO TRACK"
Maya: So, in this short span of time, he managed to not only find out what you were looking for, but also make a fake one that’s convincing enough to fool your compass.
Steven: Wow, this guy’s good.
"BULL SHITE" said bull write "prove it"
"wat you are looking for is called the MILORB OF BOTE"
Phoenix: Fact checking time! Is that an actual thing?
Pearl: No, I don’t think so.
Garnet: Never heard of it.
Maya: Why not look it up on the all-powerful Google?Management: Sorry, we don’t have Wi-fi in here.
"what tha fuck is that" said write "no im looking for tha gem of ultimate power"
Maya: Alright, now is that a thing?
Garnet: That’s another no.
Pearl: This author really isn’t very well-researched, is he?
"HAHAHA" said gatn "i just got u to say what youre looking for"
"o shit" said garnete "hes lookin for the gem of ultimate power? but that has all the big power in the wordl, wat could he possible want ti for?"
Pearl: Well, I could imagine there would be many uses for such a thing, if it existed.
Maya: I know, right? Not only does that thing have power, it has big power. I don’t know what the difference is, but it sounds cool.
"to TAKE OVER THE WORLD" sayed gant
Pearl: Yes, I suppose that’s one application for it.
"wait what" said wright "no i jus want it so i can sav my friedn-" BUT THE GREMS ATTACK HIM
Maya: Wow, rude. You interrupted him.
Steven: [Singing] We are the Crystal Grems… We’ll always save the day…
garnet tryed to punch wrighte but he dodge and pulld out his gun and pointde it at all of them
"AHAHA the shoe is on the other HAND NOW" said wrighte
Amethyst: Pff, you can’t intimidate us that easily!
Phoenix: Shoe… on the other hand? What’s with this guy screwing up common sayings like that?
Maya: Are you telling me you don’t wear your shoes on your hands?
"no said gant" said gant
Maya: Gant, are you okay?
Amethyst: Jakkid, are you okay?
and he grabbed a rock and throwed it at wright and it hit him in the nose
"OW" said wrighte and he accidental fired the gun and the bulet bouncd off a tree and hit him in the foot
Phoenix: What the hell kind of angle did I fire that gun from?! And how did the bullet ricochet off wood?
"AAAARGN" said wright "ARE U FUKKING HIDDING ME THAT HAPPENED AGAIN? I HATE GUNS GODAMIT" and he was jumpin arond holding his foot
Maya: You suck at using guns, Phoenix.
Phoenix: That would probably be because I’ve never used a gun before.
"ok wright ur under arest" said gant and wright got arested
"shit" said wright who was in jail "i gotta escapey"
Phoenix: Okay, so I was arrested for what I assume to be attempted murder. And already, I’m thinking of escaping. Let me guess, I’m going to succeed?Management: There are three more chapters of this in total. We’ll let you decide for yourself.
Pearl: Has anyone noticed that this story’s focus seems to have shifted completely from Steven to Phoenix?
TO BE CONTINUES
Amethyst: Well, that’s one chapter down.Management: And on to the next one!
stephen universe human of bad
chapter 4: phoenix wright escaps from PRISOOOOOOOOOON
Phoenix: ...Are you kidding me?
phoenix wrighte was really sad cause he was throwed in jail for committing his crimes and now he cant save edgworth
"god damn a shit" say wright "hey POLICEMAN" and he bang the door
Phoenix: What’s with all these references to Damon Gant Escaps From Prison?!
Amethyst: It’s like they’ve got some weird fanfiction cult or something.
"wat is it" said policeguy
"can u let me out so i can save my friend edgworth"
Pearl: That policeman would be very bad at his job if he did that.
"shit" and write sat bac down thinking to himsefl how toe escape
BUT TEN there was a knokc on the door
"who is it" sai wright
the door open and stadning there was non other than ME, DETECTIV JAKKID166
Amethyst: Not as bad as this guy!
Steven: Detective Jakkid166?!
Phoenix: Detective. Jakkid166. What the hell?! Is he seriously writing himself into his story?!
Maya: And he’s not even trying to make it subtle! It’s just his internet username with “Detective” in front of it!
o shit detective jakkid166 the best dective in the world! ill leav u and the criminal alone" said policeguy and he left
Maya: Oh, and on top of that, he’s a Mary Sue. Great.
Pearl: It seems this policeman really is bad at his job.
"ty" siad me and i went into wrights sell
"wat do you want u assholer" said wright "also wtf how ar u here in beech sity"
"wright jus cause im von karmas cousin dont make me an asshole" said jakkid
Phoenix: von Karma and Jakkid are cousins?!
Maya: Which von Karma, though?
Phoenix: I’m going to assume Franziska, since she’s probably closer to his age.
"BUT U TRYED TO CONVICT ME FOR VON KARMAS DETH"
"thats cause you actualy killed him"
Garnet: Seems very relevant to me.
Phoenix: Oh, “him”, I guess it’s Manfre- Wait, when did I kill him?Management: Different fanfic, sorry.
Phoenix: If you’re going to make us spork these, why not make us do it in order? It would be way less confusing!
Maya: Anyone confused by the fact that Jakkid is cousins with a 65-year-old man?
"aniway, u proved yorself to be a good person anda good lawyer who aren't afraid of anythin g, and i applad you in ur effort to save ur friend from tha depths of hell"
Steven: Um, didn’t he try to kill me earlier?
Amethyst: In the meantime, he can also save himself from the depths of not being able to write.
"so wat r u saying BR0"
"i will get u out of prison on on condition"
"yuo let me help you in ur adventure"
Phoenix: Of course the self-insert has to join us. Watch, I bet he’ll be the one to save the day, too.
"ya ok but wat can u do"
"i can be spy, and giv informatine to you abot gants traps"
Maya: Detective Jakkid over here seems pretty corrupt.
Phoenix: I guess saving Edgeworth is a decent cause, though.
"cool now lets ASCAPE" and i took a galaxy note 7 out of my pokcet and thrw it at the wall and it exploded and we jump out da hole
Maya: A Galaxy Note 7? November called, it wants its joke back.
poleceguy came back to the cell "oh cool ty detectiv jakkid166 for the new window"
Pearl: This policeman is really, really
bad at his job.
Phoenix: It’s probably Mike Meekins, all things considered.
me and wirght ran all the waye to his secret lab base
Maya: Ran? Didn’t Nick have to use the portal things to get there?
Steven: Maybe you’re both secretly half-gems?
Phoenix: I wouldn’t put it past this author. At all.
"ok were here" say wright
"wtf dis is ur base its just a normal house" said me
"im on a budget ok"
Phoenix: What I want to know is how I managed to hire people to build a house in the middle of a “swampforest”. Seems like a place like that would have really unstable ground.
Amethyst: As if the author would think of something like that.
we wetn inside and he showd me his labtop
"ok so wat i need is dis gem of ultimat power, itll alow me to use the warp pad 2 teleport home"
Pearl: But haven’t you been using the warp pad this whole time?
Phoenix: Er… Maybe my own world is far off enough that I would need the extra power to use it to get there?
"ok so wher is it"
"WELL DAT IS A GOODQUESTION WHICHthe answer to it is i dontknow"
Phoenix: Well, I can see I’m doing a great job so far.
Amethyst: Why not just Google it? That seems to work for everything in this story.
"well dat means we gotta to find it" said me "u do researc ill go find policechief damongant"
~ ME AN WHILE ~
da mong ant was still invesigating with them crystal gems when i ranned up to them
Phoenix: Da Mong Ant?
Maya: That’s his rapper name! He’s Da Ant that’s Mong. I don’t know what “Mong” means, though.
Garnet: That’s because it’s not a word.
hello chief of police damon gant" said me
"ohi detectiv jakkid166 have u came to help us fidn mr wrights base?"
Steven: Man, he figured that out really fast.
Phoenix: Suspiciously fast.
"yes but i hav news, phoenix wirght has ESCAPD FROM PRISOOOOOOOOOOOOON"
"WAT" said admon gant "oh dats fine i have traps to catch him"
Phoenix: Traps? What kind of traps?
Maya: Well, that’s simple. A mousetrap, but it uses a contradiction for bait instead of cheese!
"orly" said i and i pulld out a notebok "pls tell me what traps u got and where they are adn how to deactivate them"
"ok" said gnat
Pearl: ...Well, he fell for that rather easily.
Amethyst: Yeah, and he was all super-specific with his wording and stuff, too. This Gant guy’s kinda dumb.
~ LATER ~
i went bakc to wrights house to fukc him up
Maya: Oh man, has jakkid switched sides again?!
"ok wright i got da list of traps that gant put downe"
"ok good, well i was lookin on ma radar adn i found a fuckin the godamn GEM OF ULTIMAT POWER"
Phoenix: Well, that was easy. Where’d I get a Gem-of-Ultimate-Power-detecting radar?
Maya: The Deus Ex Machina pit, obviously!
"oh kool where is it"
"damon gant has it" sayd wrighte
Phoenix: Oh, crap.
Pearl: Wait, how did he find it? Even Mr. Wright, with his radar, took a while to find it, but meanwhile, Gant finds it before him with no equipment whatsoever.
Steven: What’s he even gonna do with it?
"yo u see when i got arested by him i secretli put a gem radar in he pocket, turns out he swallowd the gem"
Steven: ...And also, why would he do that? That sounds kinda painful.
Phoenix: Either that’s one small gem, or Gant is really good at shoving things down his throat.
Maya: You’ve been playing too much Phoenix Drive, Nick.
Phoenix: What?! It’s only been the two times so far!Management: Speaking of, part three is going to be your next sporking. Just so you know.
Maya & Phoenix: NOOOOOOOO!
Pearl: (...What are they talking about?)
Garnet & Amethyst: *Shrugs*
"wtf y would he do dat"
"well maybe 2 reasons, ether to keep me frum gettin it, or to BECOME A POWERFUL"
Phoenix: I think the answer is “all of the above”.
"wat kind of power"
"TAKIN G OVER THA WORLD POWER"
Maya: Oh no, not that kind of power! Whatever will we do?!
Pearl: Any object that powerful should either be destroyed or very securely contained. In the wrong hands, it could cause a disaster!
Garnet: Looks like it’s already in the wrong hands.
"O shIT" said me "we gotta STop HIM QUICK"
"YEA" sai wright and we both ran outta da house to find damon gant
TO BE A CONTINUE
Phoenix: Oh yeah, me and jakkid are gonna stop a guy with power sufficient for taking over the whole world. That’s a smart idea. Who wants to bet both me and jakkid get killed doing this?
Maya: What’s it matter? You’ll both just become ghosts anyway.
Phoenix: Oh, right.