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Mirii-chan's FicsTopic%20Title
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Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2012 5:41 pm

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Hey, it's Mirii-chan. It's my first time writing fan-fiction so I want to hear what you all think. I've started writing a fic about how Phoenix, Maya and Edgeworth get involved in a case when they attend a Steel Samurai themed quiz show. I'm just writing out the first chapter. I'm not finished yet but I'd like to see if anyone has any advice as I feel there are flaws in my writing style. Be free and open with your opinion. I want to know if I'm being OOC. Thanks! Here's what I've got so far. It's a rough draft, though!
Spoiler:
. "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick," Maya ran in to the office, her arms flailing in ways that should not be physically possible, "Nick, Oh my god, this is sooo cool!" 
With that, she shoved a poster right into Phoenix's face. 
"Hey, watch it!" he pulled the poster from her hands to take closer look.
It was a gaudy, bright red poster with, (suprise, suprise) a picture of the Steel Samurai on it. A caption underneath the popular tv character read, "Steel Samurai Quiz! Coming to Los Angeles Anime Centre!"
    Phoenix groaned; he'd seen the game show, "Steel Samurai Quiz" and had always feared somehow Maya would find a way to become a contestant. 
The show involved several "Steel Samurai" fans answering questions about the series, in order to win a samurai-themed prize. Needless to say, Maya was hooked. She would sit watching the show for hours on end, answering all the questions and getting them right every time. Even Phoenix had to admit, Maya was good.  
The show traveled around the country searching for Steel Samurai fans to compete. And now it was here. Today.
"Nick! We've gotta go!" Maya jumped up and down.
Phoenix put the poster down and leaned back on his desk, "Ah, I don't know Maya, can't you just go by yourself?" 
Maya gave him her 'dejected puppy look'.
"That's not going to work with me," Phoenix said, even though he knew it wasn't true. He'd cave in a minute. 
Maya pouted. 
"No.........please..." Phoenix sighed, and pushed some hair from his forehead, "Fine, I'll go!"
Maya immediately returned to her cheery self and ran off excitedly to get her coat. "Shall we take my car," Maya called from the hall, "It'll be faster than walking."
Phoenix was confused, "You have a car?" 
Maya skipped back into the office, now in her cute purple coat, "Yeah, you didn't know?"
"No," Phoenix scratched his head, "You never told me. When did you get your licence?"
"Er...ages ago," Maya didn't look up, "Are we gonna go now?"
She hurried to the door and swung it open so hard it hit the wall with a 'slam'. "Nick, get your coat on, you old fart!"
Phoenix, who had just realized he'd been stood gazing off numbly into the distance, walked into the hall. He stuffed a small (oh so very small) wad of cash into his wallet, and then stuffed that into his coat pocket.
"I'm coming!" he called, walking back into the office. But, Maya wasn't there. 
"She's already left," Phoenix thought. "Maybe this means I don't have to go..." 
"Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccckkkk!!!" came a scream from downstairs. 
Phoenix sighed, "Damn it! I knew it was too good to be true."   

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Re: Mirii-chan's FicsTopic%20Title
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Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2011 5:34 pm

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Maya with a car. Now there's a scary thought. :meekins:

As long as you have a good explanation for why she never used it before, there isn't that much in the way of OOC-ness from where I'm standing. For a rough draft, it's alright, although you might want to work on your formatting. It looks a bit muddled, and as such, it was kinda difficult to read through. My advice, put more spacing between paragraphs to establish them as separate thoughts. Otherwise, not too shabby.
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
My Fanfiction
My Fan Trial, Spirit's Turnabout
Re: Mirii-chan's FicsTopic%20Title
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Gender: Female

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Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2012 5:41 pm

Posts: 455

This is exactly the kind of advice I needed! Thanks so much!
I tried to edit the post to put more spacing between paragraph but my iPhone won't let me. Ah well, I post that up with the finished version!

I have so many ideas but when I write them down it does seem kind of confusing and muddled. :( :larry:
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