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ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

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Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

since i have been tlking about this for a while
turnabout force
call the police! start:
aneeda laywer?page: 1
teh payne!page: 2
Image


Last edited by ike liberty on Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:43 pm, edited 13 times in total.
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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To get rid of that stuff, use this:

(url=URL HERE)This is what will appear as the link.(/url)


Anyway, your comic.... I don't mean to be so blunt, but it needs some work... First, punctuation and capitalization are your friends. They make text much easier to read. Also, the text is too small in page 2 (part of the text was lost when it was shrunk, so it's hard to read). Finally, this would be a lot better if you added a bit more dialogue...AA is really just all dialogue; the more information and characterization, the better. I mean, you didn't even tell us the defendant's name....
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

(facepalm) i actually meant to keep explaining it next page and the text.....gimp f***ed up on me...
yeah i know it needs work....
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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ike liberty wrote:
(facepalm) i actually meant to keep explaining it next page and the text.....gimp f***ed up on me...
yeah i know it needs work....


The sprites and layout of everything is all really good. If you could just make sure the text doesn't lose quality like it did on page 2, expand the dialogue, and use capitalization and punctuation this would be really good!
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

yeah im restarting text right now so it will be better in a while :hobohodo:
(hopefully)
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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Otaku, #1 Machi fan, #2 Machi Fan

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It could be a little faster, couldn't it?
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ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOGANT
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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I'd say

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Location: Belgium

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Comic seems kinda well "simple" is the best way i could put it.
Still, curious how it'l turn out.
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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Bwaaah!

Gender: None specified

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:42 am

Posts: 236

I'm... interested. I'll be watching for updates.

On a related matter, do you want a spelling/punctuation checker? I could help you with that.

Quote:
To get rid of that stuff, use this:

(url=URL HERE)This is what will appear as the link.(/url)


I think you mean, [url=URL HERE]This is what will appear as the link.[/url] Square brackets are important.
GENERATION 22: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

you can be a puncuation/spelling checker thank you so much :gant:
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

.....cant get the link thingie work...
sorry duo post
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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I'd say

Gender: Male

Location: Belgium

Rank: Moderators

Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 10:49 am

Posts: 2480

here, paste this
Code:
[url=http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd341/ikeliberty/comic/START-Copy2-Copy.png]INSERTPAGENAMEHERE[/url]
[url=http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd341/ikeliberty/comic/1-1.png]INSERTPAGENAMEHERE[/url]
[url=http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd341/ikeliberty/comic/2-Copy-Copy.png]INSERTPAGENAMEHERE[/url]
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

oh ok i fixed it thanks and i changed page 1
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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Otaku, #1 Machi fan, #2 Machi Fan

Gender: Male

Location: Engl- Ooh, over 3000 posts. (England)

Rank: Ace Attorney

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Posts: 3781

Looks like Ike gave up on his hate for the Bailiff...
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ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOGANT
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

dont worry it will come back :godot:
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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Property of Big Corporate Things Inc.

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Rank: Ace Attorney

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You spelled 'heavenly' wrong.
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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Otaku, #1 Machi fan, #2 Machi Fan

Gender: Male

Location: Engl- Ooh, over 3000 posts. (England)

Rank: Ace Attorney

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Greeny wrote:
You spelled 'heavenly' wrong.


NOT ANYMORE :javado:
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ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOGANT
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

Greeny wrote:
You spelled 'heavenly' wrong.

um.......heh i knew that :nick-sweat: (F***)
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Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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I'd say

Gender: Male

Location: Belgium

Rank: Moderators

Joined: Thu May 29, 2008 10:49 am

Posts: 2480

I would suggest another read through, the whole thing is filled with spelling errors and lack of punctuation.
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

:headbang:i know!!!
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Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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Rebel Scum

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B.M. wrote:
I'm... interested. I'll be watching for updates.

On a related matter, do you want a spelling/punctuation checker? I could help you with that.

Quote:
To get rid of that stuff, use this:

(url=URL HERE)This is what will appear as the link.(/url)


I think you mean, [url=URL HERE]This is what will appear as the link.[/url] Square brackets are important.


I could've sworn I typed in a "Just replace the ( and ) with [ and ]" :nick-sweat:
Re: ike liberty heveanly trialsTopic%20Title
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Bwaaah!

Gender: None specified

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:42 am

Posts: 236

ike liberty wrote:
you can be a puncuation/spelling checker thank you so much :gant:

Sorry for not responding in a while.
Okay my PM box has space, so any time, just send it in.

I'll go over the first three comics and send any revisions to you by PM as well.
GENERATION 22: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title

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Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:14 pm

Posts: 154

I'm sorry, but I cringed several times during this comic.
First of all, the first panel is nohing but a background behind existing images, with a slight alteration to Phoenix. I can't really blame you for this, but it's still kind of irritating.
Secondly, the grammar and punctuation are horrible. I instead of i for example. Use capital letters at the beginning of a sentance and on appropriate words such as names or titles.
For example
Comic 2:
???: Ahh...Mr. Liberty?
Ike: Oh, hello Ms. Aneeda. Say, could you fill me in on the case? I'm a little clueless. (Ugh, I look like an idiot, I don't even know what happened!)
Aneeda: But you're my Attorney, shouldn't you know this already?
Ike: Well yes...um...
Bailiff: Will the Defense attorney and his client please enter the courtroom? The trial is about to begin.
Ike: (I don't know whether to laugh or cry)
Ike: (My name's Ike Liberty. I'm a new Attorney, if that hasn't been made clear already. Even since -that- time, becoming one has been my ambition)

Spoiler: scratch this, I was scrolled down and didn't see the first two panels
I left out the text from the last panel, for the reason that you haven't introduced her yet. Shouldn't she have been with Ike and been involved in the conversation? Unless you've seen her once already, it feels misplaced. You should have saved her introduction until you actually see her in the comic.

What kind of introduction to the comic is "Ah yes, the shopping was very fun"? It has nothing to do with the case, and that's what the characters should be discussing. It would have been a lot better, had you not had the second panel.

I have another problem with Trucy Wright incidentally. I ask you, why? Why are you using her? It really annoys me when a major plot element involves the romance between a fancharacter and a canon character. It can be alright if it's done correctly (Ami's comic for example), but here it just seems tacked on and is annoying. Also, why would Trucy be assisting Ike? Why isn't she with Apollo? Is there some reason for this change?

The script is poorly written too (although in a different way this time). Payne is talking extremely out of character for one thing. Where's his snidy bragging? His smug dialouge? He also seems to be rushing his speech.
Quote:
Here is a map of the murder scene. now the killer could not leave on either side because their was a construction site on both sides so she ran forwards and the witness saw her and in fact the witness is here

...what? That isn't written very well at all.
Here's what it should say (without improving the structure).
Quote:
I have here a map of the area the victim was murdered in. There was construction work going on on both sides, so she was unable to flee the scene via those paths. Instead she left the body sitting there and went south, where the witness saw her run off.
I have the witness here to testify to this effect

Now, as I mentioned, the structure is also off. For one thing, the murder method or weapon hasn't be established yet. Why would Payne be talking about the murderer's escape? Second of all, why are you outlinining that she couldn't leave via those ways? Does it really matter if she could have gone another way? It seems more of something you'd base a contradiction on, not something the Prosecution uses to prove the Defendant's guilt.

Don't give up though. Improve your grammar skills and structure your story a bit better. If you do that, this could still become a good comic =)

Last edited by Ice the frosty cat on Sun Oct 26, 2008 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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Otaku, #1 Machi fan, #2 Machi Fan

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Location: Engl- Ooh, over 3000 posts. (England)

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Posts: 3781

Yeah, I would agree with Ice.
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ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOGANT
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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Affection!

Gender: Male

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:38 pm

Posts: 250

Well I'll be blunt with you.
I don't quite like it thusfar, I'm sure it could be a good comic if only you chose a more convenient comic size, instead of doing | try doing - ... seriously.
Anyway, the last page is kind of a bad quality, and for a comic you're going awfully fast through certain procedures, although that's my opnion and mine only.

Keep it up though, and don't let a not so old yet fool get you down! :o
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Still the same old...me.
I Am The Night, Colour Me Black.
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

yeah i know it isint that good im thinking of scrapping the 2nd page for a second out of court one
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Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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Otaku, #1 Machi fan, #2 Machi Fan

Gender: Male

Location: Engl- Ooh, over 3000 posts. (England)

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2007 4:06 pm

Posts: 3781

So you'll be remaking it? You must do in order for it to work.
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ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOGANT
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

:nick-sweat: or maybe not......
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Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:14 pm

Posts: 154

I was wondering, have you written a script already, or are you writing it as you make the comics?
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

um.....i have the basic script stuck in my mind...and i will add more stuff later
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Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title

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Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:14 pm

Posts: 154

I'm afraid that's simply not good enough. You need to write a complete script down and fine tune it to your best ability before even starting the comic.

Last edited by Ice the frosty cat on Sun Oct 26, 2008 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
User avatar

i think i sh** my pants

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:06 am

Posts: 967

oh......f***
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Re: ike liberty heavenly trialsTopic%20Title
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Property of Big Corporate Things Inc.

Gender: Female

Location: Wait... It depends, which way is up?

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:55 am

Posts: 1425

Well, I think he means all the finer details. You need to know how exactly
your case will work out. I personally don't think you really need any solid
dialogue written down too... Though in your case it might help.
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