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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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A blind man walks past a fish market.

"Good morning ladies!".
Imagesee how it withers before my flower of justiceImage

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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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SMASHING DAY FOR A BARBEQUE.

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.:looby:. wrote:
A blind man walks past a fish market.

"Good morning ladies!".


Made me laugh for a while.
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Holy whack! Unlyrical lyrics Andre

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SnowWright wrote:
Spoiler: Disgusting Joke I invented Dx
Patient: Doctor Doctor, I have a strawberry up my ass!
Doctor: Don't worry, I have some cream for that.


You never made this joke.

Also one of my favourites from Sickipedia. Not gonna spoiler tag it beacuse you wont understand it if you're a kid.

"What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise."
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My childhood right here

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H4RDMEISTER wrote:
SnowWright wrote:
Spoiler: Disgusting Joke I invented Dx
Patient: Doctor Doctor, I have a strawberry up my ass!
Doctor: Don't worry, I have some cream for that.


You never made this joke.

Also one of my favourites from Sickipedia. Not gonna spoiler tag it beacuse you wont understand it if you're a kid.

"What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise."

NNNGGGGHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Holy whack! Unlyrical lyrics Andre

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Steel Turnabout wrote:
H4RDMEISTER wrote:
SnowWright wrote:
Spoiler: Disgusting Joke I invented Dx
Patient: Doctor Doctor, I have a strawberry up my ass!
Doctor: Don't worry, I have some cream for that.


You never made this joke.

Also one of my favourites from Sickipedia. Not gonna spoiler tag it beacuse you wont understand it if you're a kid.

"What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise."

NNNGGGGHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Quite.
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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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The X makes it cool!

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@H4RDMEISTER
My reaction to it: What I don't get it... hmm... wait a minute... Ohhhh... URGH! :beef:
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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I have no real jokes because I suck. Have some ANTI-JOKES


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."


There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.


A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.

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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title

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I always liked this one, they even made a commercial out of it too:




Spoiler: joke
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”



And the moral of this story is....




























































Always keep your condoms in your car.



Edit: Post spoilered as per request.

Last edited by SevenCarrots on Tue Jul 26, 2011 2:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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My childhood right here

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Yo, spoiler that Hudson, since its a page stretcher. By a lot.

And that's the third time I've heard that and I still find it funny.
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title

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Good point, I was getting annoyed at scrolling too xP

I'm waiting for another love joke to top it, I just find it crazy though that a commercial turned that joke...well into a commercial format xP
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Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

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I guess I can't blame any of you for this but come on guys! Some of the recent jokes posted here are just repeats of old jokes on this thread! Let's bring in some fresh ones! Okay! I've got a few!

Spoiler: Pokemon Black and White puns
Can I Axew a question? Do you have any Isshus with Dewott'er? Unova'sectomy's a big decision, right? Hey how's that Timburr-ton fellow doing anyway? And while you're at it, could you Golett that Lillipup in? Oh and also, can you help me pay the Eelektrik bill? Don't Leavanny cent unpaid! Come inside, sit u'Panpour yourself a glass of Frillish-ous Pansear'd Tuli'Pansage flavored tea! Oh! DId you fall? I hope you didn't Fraxure a bone in your leg or anything! You're fine? I'll just put some Heating pads on it... There we go, I'll just go Heatmor. While you're here you can Golurk on the internet. Audino? I know! Click on that Klink for some funny videos! Maybe some music that you can Roggenrola'll night to. Hold it! This Ducklett some bad stuff in! Now there's a Foongus Amoonguss! Uh-oh! Here comes my landlord! We gotta Liepard'ly because he gets mad easily! Guess you should leave! Remember to wear a Shelmet and if you didn't get any of these then I guess you gotta Bisharp!


Spoiler: Some Salt jokes...
-What did the food critic say after the chef served him his French Fries?
-This tastes so bland! Frankly sir, I am quite inSALTed!

-What was the boy who murdered the Snail charged for?
-A salt.


Well?...I know...but let's see you do any better... I made these all off the top of my head...
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Yaragorm wrote:
I made these all off the top of my head...


Ah that explains it.
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The Best Waifu

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What do you get when your donkey eats my rooster's feet?
(don't spoil it Looby)
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Breaking hiatus.

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:yogi: Wow. Just wow.

EDIT: Might as well answer.

Spoiler:
Your cock in my ass.
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DoMaya wrote:
What do you get when your donkey eats my rooster's feet?
(don't spoil it Looby)


Image

LordWolfODonnell wrote:
:yogi: Wow. Just wow.

EDIT: Might as well answer.

Spoiler:
Your cock in my ass.


To be more specific:

Spoiler:
2 feet of his cock in your ass.

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The Best Waifu

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Ha, a buddy of mine told me that one.
*wonders if it's from a show*
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The Hoosiers :) Just too cool.

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19 Antarctic penguins have died after getting a mystery illness in Germany. Flu? No their wings are too small.

-_- UGGGHHHHHHH.

Thins one time I stopped my car in a pond and was asked to show my parking kermit ... apparently I'd Parked it like a complete muppet.

I love this, this made me laugh so much
ahha, everytime i see it, i laugh!
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool.
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Let's get this party started.

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What's 50 cent's half brother's name?

Spoiler:
25 cent.


Fail. :yogi:
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My childhood right here

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fatalfeline wrote:
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool.

Fuckin hipsters.
What do you get when you combine a hawk, an elephant, and a rhino?
Spoiler: If you have an invention that can fuse two or more sentient beings' molecular structure and it maintains a hyperexistance like that, I think you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize or two, and a shitload of money
Helephino! (Hell if I know)

Believe it or not, I got that from a Laffy Taffy.
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Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

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fatalfeline wrote:
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool.

You win.
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Did you see the female stripper who was on fire?

Spoiler:
She was hot.

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A mechanic, an electrician and a computer technician were in a car. The car suddenly stops, and the men try to figure out what's wrong with it, and how to solve it.
The mechanic said 'Hmm.. There must be something wrong with the engine'
The electrician, then, added 'Or maybe the battery's dead'
The computer technician didn't speak at first. After a while he said 'I have an idea. Let's all get off the car and go back in'
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I got one. Why was the Police so suspicious of the Blind People?

Because they were Shady.

*Does Annoying Orange Laugh*
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I have a Joke!! :D

One day, a bus full of ugly people died. They all went up to heaven but God felt sorry for them and grants each of them one wish. "I want to become pretty."Poof, they became pretty. "I want to become handsome." Poof, they became handsome. "I want to become cute." Poof, they became cute.This went on for a while. The last ugly person went up to God laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked them. "Make them all ugly again."

Next one is a blond one, hope I don't offend anyone!! :maya:

Spoiler:
One day, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead found a magic rug that will make you disappear if what you said wasn't true.
The redhead stepped on and said "I think I'm the most popular girl in school." Poof, she disappeared.
The brunette took her turn and said "I think I'm the prettiest girl in school." Poof, she disappeared.
The blonde stepped up "I think-" POOF!
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Too bad. Waluigi Time.

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Okay, this one is a real doozy. Two friends go on a hunting trip. All of a sudden, one of the collapses. His eyes are glazed and he's not breathing. His friend calls 911. "Hello, 911? I think my friend is dead." says the hunter. "We need you to confirm he's dead in order for us to go out there." said the operator. Complete silence. A gunshot. The hunter says "Okay, I checked, now what?" Read this one in a magazine. Made me fall out of my chair laughing! :moe-laugh:
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Shut up woman, get on my horse

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Ooh, I've got a few terrible ones.

What do you call a fat computer?
Spoiler:
A Dell


What did the blind, deaf, and dumb kid get for Christmas?
Spoiler:
Cancer


How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler:
None, feminists can't change anything

Dohohoho, gems, every last one of 'em. :redd:
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Godot made me a coffee addict...

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Guns don't kill people, bullets do.
I'm just a guy that can win ALL arguments thanks to a certain video game series...
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Holy whack! Unlyrical lyrics Andre

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My favourite joke of all time.

I went to the doctors for a check up the other day.
Doctor : "I'm sorry, but you have to stop masturbating."
Me : "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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This one was told to me years and years ago but i have it saved on my computer lol. ... and it's one of my favorites.

Spoiler: click the spoiler tag for the joke...
A company was looking for a new employee to hire, so they posted a sign outside their office that read “Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be computer knowledgeable, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer and do not discriminate.” A few days later a dog entered the office looking to apply for this job. He stared at the sign to indicate he wanted this job. The manager stared at him incredulously and said, “I’m sorry, we cannot hire you, you must be able to type.” The dog trots over to the computer and typed out a perfect sentence. The manager was clearly impressed with this but it was still clear that the dog wasn’t going to get this job. “I’m sorry we still can’t hire you, you must be computer knowledgeable.” The dog being as smart as he was showed him a bunch of different programs and even printed out a spread sheet. The manager was clearly impressed with this by now. The dog pointed to the spot on the sign where “equal opportunity was written. The manager said “I’m sorry we still can’t hire you, you must be bilingual.” The dog opened his mouth. “Meow.”

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How many radicals does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler: Punchline
Just one, but he'll change it when it still has plenty of life left.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler: Punchline
Just one, but it'll take him a day of sitting around in the dark before he's convinced the bulb needs changing.
How many reactionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler: Punchline
None--they use oil lanterns and candles.

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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title

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What is the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Spoiler: Punchline - maybe NSFW?
I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
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The Best Waifu

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jammededed wrote:
What is the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Spoiler: Punchline - maybe NSFW?
I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

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GOD! MY! OH!

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the three most important unwritten rules:
1.
2.
3.
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requiesca nella giustizia

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did you ever hear about my uncle he was a drunk
one night he was walking down the street and he turned into a bar
oh im sorry hes not a drunk hes a magician
---------------------------------------------
line up in alphabetical order by height
---------------------------------------------
Spoiler: kind of rude
how many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a light bulb
---------------
---------------
to get to the other side

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The Cop and the Driver
A drunk driver is pulled over by a cop. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the driver side windows

"Is there a problem officer", the driver slurs.

"You were doing 50 in a 25 mph zone and swerving all over the place", the cop explains. He bends down and looks into the car and notices a wine bottle. "What's in that bottle", he asks.

The man clumsily reaches over and shoves the bottle into the cop's hands. "It's just water, officer"

The cop takes the bottle and pours out it's maroon colored contents. He claims, "Sir, there's nothing in here but wine."

Upon hearing this, the driver jumps out of his car, hands raised, and shouts, "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord and his miracles!"
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Alright, I got one.

Spoiler: Doctor's Duck Hunt
Four doctors decide to go duck hunting: an internist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. First, they go to the town hall to get their hunting licenses. Once they do, the game commissioner gives them a strict warning:

"Remember, those licenses only give you permission to shoot ducks. If you shoot something that's not a duck, you're in trouble."

With this in mind, the four doctors go to a duck blind. The way the blind is set up, only one person could stand on the wooden platform at a time.

First, the internist steps up onto the platform and readies his gun. After a moment of waiting, a duck files out. He aims carefully and gets a bead on it, but he doesn't shoot and the duck gets away. He then turns to his colleagues and says:

"I'm pretty sure that was a duck. I mean, in my professional opinion, that was probably a duck. But I can't really say with 100% certainty if it was one or not, so I didn't shoot it."

Next up is the psychiatrist. He gets up on the platform and readies his gun. A duck flies out and he takes aim. He has a perfect bead on it, but he doesn't shoot, and it gets away. He turns to his colleagues and says:

"Now, I knew that was a duck. I am absolutely positive that it was a duck. But did the duck know it was a duck? I couldn't really tell from here, so I didn't shoot it."

Next up is the surgeon. A duck barely takes flight before BOOM! The surgeon shoots it straight out of the sky. He then turns to the pathologist and says, "Do me a favor, will you? Go down there and tell me what that was."

Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
My Fanfiction
My Fan Trial, Spirit's Turnabout


Last edited by Little_Thief on Sun Feb 12, 2012 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Don't know if anyone posted any of these or not. Too lazy to go through every page. Here they are:

What's green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

My two favorite jokes.
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Got another one. This one comes straight from the pen of Shel Silverstein, and it's one of my personal favorites. :pearly:

Spoiler: The Mehoo and the Exactlywatt
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Me.

Me who?

That's right!

What's right?

Mehoo!

That's what I want to know!

What's what you want to know?

Me who?

Yes, exactly!

Exactly what?

Yes, I have an Exactlywatt on a chain!

Exactly what on a chain?

Yes!

Yes what?

No, Exactlywatt!

That's what I want to know!

What's what you want to know?

Exactly what?

Yes!

Yes what?

Yes, he's with me!

What's with you?

Exactlywatt, that's what's with me!

Me who?!

Yes!

Go away!

Knock knock...

Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
My Fanfiction
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Super High-School Level Galaxy Defender

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Spoiler:
An armed robber breaks into a house and, accidentally, during a sweep of the room of the wife and husband that lived there, he drops a vase and wakes them up. To avoid leaving witnesses, he points his gun to the couple and say:

- Alright, I'm gonna shoot you two dead for witnessing this. But first, I want your names.

- Marlene - the wife answers promptly.

- Hmm... Marlene is my mother's name... I... I will spare you. What about you, man?

- I'm R-Rudolph...

The robber raises his gun...

- ... B-But friends call me Marlene!!!

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