What is the difference between pope john paul and Maddiline mcKann?
Pope john paul died a virgin
what is the difference between stevie wonder and Jade Goodie?
Stevie might make it to christmas.
NOT MADDLINE MCCANN ANYWAY!
Does anyone else think "Don't Fuck with Shilpa Shetty" t-shirts would be a good business idea?
Isn't it ironic: Jade Goody's head looks like an egg, and it'll be in a box this Easter.
Jade Goody was looking great at her wedding today
Not a hair out of place
Jade Goody has been cheered up by one bit of good news today.
She got ten quid on eBay for her hairdryer.
I paid a bloody tenner for a jade goodie calander and it only goes up to march!
What is the difference between Jade Goody and a moped?
A moped can reach 30.
How do you cure cancer?
I'll let you all know in a few weeks - kinda waiting on something first.
I wonder how many people will try not to laugh when Tweed says, " 'til death do us part"...
I see Girls Aloud have today announced they will be singing at Jade Goody's wedding.
I would also like to announce that I will be dancing at her funeral.
Now that Jade Goody has written out her will, is there any chance she could leave her cancer to Amy Winehouse?
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter Jade. I can't stop thinking about her little boys.
All my love,
My thoughts and prayers are with cancer right now, it must be very hard living with Jade Goody.
Jade Goody has recently said that she wants the best quality of life for her children.
Well, I guess her dying is a start.
What's the difference between a Duracell battery and Jade Goody?
Duracell lasts longer, much longer.
Cadbury's have been slammed for their new Creme Egg adverts after a woman was found in Jade Goody's hospital room with a hammer.
The Goody family has got a deal with Channel 5 to make a documentary on Jade's life and death. The show had to be re-named though, after 50 Cent threatened to sue for the use of his title 'Get Rich or Die Trying'.
And now on Channel 4, a new series of "Faking It". On tonight's programme....Jade Goody
While choosing her wedding dress, Jade was seen to point aimlessly and say, "I want that one."
The milk in my fridge has two days left before it expires.
Though you don't see me making a fucking documentary about that, do you?
Jade Goody says she's worried she may not live to care for her sons as they grow up.
Well, some things are for the best, Jade.
To maximise her income Jade Goody is launching a spring collection of bags.
These new 'Goody bags' come in a variety of sizes from colostomy to body.
Do you know what really makes me sick?
we now return to ask the family. Mr Fritzil where's the rest of them?
Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese Police have gone back to the McCann's villa to look under the bed.
After winning the Junior UK hide and seek championships, Shannon Matthews will now travel abroad to take on the current European Champion, Madeleine McCann.
Correction: the current European champion is in fact Anne Frank, who successfully hid for almost 5 years before being caught. Maddie has only been gone about 18 months. Besides, we all know she's buried in the woods.
Further correction: Anne Franks record was broken by Austrian Elisabeth Fritzl, who was hidden for 24 years.
But Elisabeth Fritzl was disqualified because she had help from her Dad.
Further Further Correction: I've been hiding me a child for 32 years! Fuck all of you!!!
Further Further Further Correction: Madeleine McCann also had help from her father, so why should miss Fritzl be disqualified?
Thank God for the "save maddie fund." The parents can afford a babysitter now.
What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?
Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.
What's pink and covered in cobwebs?
Madeleine McCann's bike
Possible titles for the Maddie documentary coming out:
-Gone in 60 Minutes While We Were Having Lunch.
-The Never Ending News Story.
-Catch Me If You McCann.
-Live Freely on Charity Donations Or Another Toddler Will Have To Die Hard.
-Dude, Where's Our 'Cann?
-Everyone Knows What You Did Last Summer.
-Murat: Child kidnappings of Portugal for make benefit glorious tabloid of United Kingdom.
What's the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills?
Maddy wasn't allowed to have a whole pack of Smarties!
Gerry and Kate McCann went to see the Pope to ask if he could help find their daughter.
The Pope said he'd love to help but the Catholic Clergy was more used to hunting down small boys.
So we have had an Austrian in the cellar, Shannon Matthews under the bed and now a nurse in the boot.
If we find Maddie in the attic, I'm going to patent the board game.
What's the plus side of a costly spring family holiday in Portugal?
A cheaper Christmas
Why is Madeleine McCann like a submarine?
Both are 10 feet under and full of seamen.
Has anyone thought of looking for Maddie in terminal five?
Internet connection: £30
The look on your Gran's face when you tell her the difference between the Pope and Madeline McCann: Priceless
Gran's funeral: £1000
There are some things in life which won't get you early inheritance: for everything else there's mastercard
What's Madeleine and the Maddie Fund got in common?
Gerry's put his fingers into both.
What's the difference between peas and sperm?
Maddie never got used to the taste of peas.
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and global warming?
People still care about global warming.
What's the difference between the McCanns and other parents?
When other parents bury their kid in sand at the beach for a laugh, they dig them back out afterwards.
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and my mountain bike?
I don't get my mountain bike down from the hook in the garage and ride it every weekend.
Questions to ask Gerry and Kate McCann, if they hold a press conference in the UK:
1. So, apart from that, how was the meal?
2. Got any holidays planned?
3. Have you thought of going into the childcare business?
4. Which Portuguese policeman is your favourite?
5. Did you check out the Pope's alibi thoroughly? He did used to be a Nazi, after all...
6. How does collecting a million quid in donations to your non-charitable appeal fund help to find someone when you are not actually doing any of the searching or investigation and the whole investigation is, in fact, being funded by the taxpayers of Portugal, the UK, Belgium, Morocco, etc, etc?
7. Why are you smiling?
A local paedophile ring has made the unprecedented step of issuing a statement after being accused of hiding Shannon Matthews for two weeks.
They said, "Fuck off - we do have some standards, you know."
First, it was Shannon Matthews' step-dad's step-uncle who was arrested.
Then her step-dad. Then her step-dad's sister, and step-dad's mum.
Now Shannon's mother, Karen Matthews has been arrested.
It's good to see the police clamping down on ugly people.
Karen Matthews court case has just got under way, and the court room has been told of how she lied to police.
They listened to her say in the 999 call, "my 'beautiful' daughter is missing."
I can see that Shannon Matthews stepfather has been arrested for having indecent pictures of his stepdaughter.
She isn't naked in any of them but you can clearly see her face.
Shannon's parents searched and searched and they never gave up.
But no, they couldn't find a decent photo.
This years Christmas present will be a bit of a surprise for Shannon Matthews.
For the first time in years, she won't be getting a new Stepfather
In the trial of Karen Matthews, and Michael Donovan the prosecution has alledged that Mr Donovan kept Shannon "drugged, subdued and hidden from the public".
In that case, doesn't he deserve some sort of public service award?
The police have released a statement following the arrest of Shannon Matthew's mother. They say they have not arrested her on suspicion of the abduction of her daughter, they are simply investigating how she managed to get five different people to have sex with her in the first place.
Pete Doherty has asked for the biggest, cheapest, dirtiest piece of crack to be delivered to his cell... The wardens brought Karen Matthews to him.
Shannon Matthews' stepdad.
Should have gone to Specsavers.
Shannon Matthews, the first Madeleine McCann tribute act.