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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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How ironic

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What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What do call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I got fired from the calendar factory, I don't understand why, all I did was take a day off.
Why couldn't the two melons run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe.
I got fired from the Orange juice factory, I got canned, couldn't concentrate.
I'd make a chemistry joke, but I wouldn't get a reaction.
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The first comment on this controversial coffee ad is the best.

For those who're too lazy,here's the comment:

Spoiler: Language I guess and also not to spoil the punchline
His eyes moved to the red ribbon she had planted on his right pectoral muscle. He saw something in her eyes when she touched him. A recognition of firmness. After all, he was toned to perfection from weeks of rebuilding a church in Rokoray, along the northern banks of the Great Scarcies River. He had met a woman there who reminded him of his sister. He cared for her, taught her a fledgling example of English, had even found himself feeling love for her. That was not a sisterly love however. Then again… was this?

He began to open his mouth. Any moment his parents would walk downstairs. The look on her face said they were on the same channel. Everything he had just thought, she heard it.

He spoke. “Listen, when mom and dad go out to say hi to the Gelsons next door tonight, let’s hang back, go upstairs and fυck the shίt out of each other.”

“What?” She answered, bewildered.

“C’mon let's do it. Let’s fυck. Haven’t we always wanted this?” He reached out to reassure her, but she pulled away, fear in her eyes. “Whoa whoa. Uh no I’m just happy you’re home from Africa. What the hell are you talking about wanting to fυck me? Are you seriou--” And like a blade being hammered on the anvil, his father’s voice rang out from behind him: “WHAT IN SAM HILL IS GOING ON HERE?”

“I can explain…” he stammered, but was cut off by the visceral scream from his mother as she began sobbing into her bathrobe. His father erupted, white morning spittle shooting from the corners of his mouth.

“NO SON OF MINE IS GONNA DRINK FUCΚING FOLGERS COFFEE!” He belted his son in the face, knocking the boy unconscious. “THIS IS A PEETS COFFEE HOUSE!”

Drink Peets Coffee.

What a legend,this Erik.
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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How ironic

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How do you catch a moose? You dig a great big hole, and put peas all around the outside, and when the moose comes up to have a pea, you kick him in the hole.
What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Why can't you hide under a toadstool? Cause there's not mushroom!
Why did the frog have to take the bus? Because his car got toad.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium!
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What's 1999+1?

0, because of Y2K.

2000....

Actually,I found this one on an askreddit thread about certain types of jokes. Thanks to user MewtewniteX for this.

Spoiler:
So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor is saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
Yup it's an anti joke get rekt

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What country starts with Ind and ends with ia?


Indonesia! :-P
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What is the difference between a maid and a younger sibling? -A maid gets paid for her slavery.

What do you call a king's fart? -Noble gas

What do you do with a sick chemist? -If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

xXx

(using AA smilies 'cause they're awesome)

:phoenix:: Hi

Tech Support: Tech support, How may I help you?

:phoenix:: Hi, I've got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don't want one.

Tech Support: Excuse me?

:phoenix:: It's giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.

Tech Support: Read the message to me please.

:phoenix:: Error: Python required to run the script.

xXx

:trucy:: Dad, can I ask a question?

:hobohodo:: But you just did.

:trucy:: Can I ask two questions?

:hobohodo:: But you already did!

:trucy:: Then can I ask four questions?

:hobohodo:: You just did again!

:trucy:: But when?

:hobolaugh:: Now.

:trucy:: Dad please.

xXx

Newspaper Headlines:

"Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney"

"Mayor Parris to Homeless: Go Home"

"Missippi's literacy program shows improvement"

"Homicide victims rarely talk to police"

"Utah Poison Control Centre reminds everyone not to take poison"

"Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons"
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Those headlines are the best



How do you make someone a redneck?
Slit their throat

How do you make someone red-haired?
Dye their hair red
Spoiler:
then pour blood on them



I found this one a while back. Forgot about it. Yes I wrote it and I'm proud of it. Keep in mind it isn't historically or geographically accurate but it isn't meant to be either

Spoiler:
Once,in Europe,near Sweden and Norway,people thought that the earth was flat,and did not travel too far,because they were scared of falling off its edge.But there were three brave explorers- Fenrir,Jonathan,and Zlatos. They thought that the earth was round,and set out to explore it.Their relatives gave them their best wishes,and hoped they came back alive.

Fenrir steered the ship southeast.One week later,they saw land in the distance.It was the country of China!Jonathan took the honour of being the first to set foot on it.Suddenly the ground under him collapsed,and he horribly fell to his doom and died in a ravine. His two friends tremendously grieved for what seemed like ages.But they went and saw the Chinese Emperor himself!

The emperor felt sorry for both of them,so he gave them some exclusive treasure from the marvelous country.The two friends’ spirits lifted up a little,but not completely.They went back to their ship and started to steer it. Zlatos steered it North west,and went to where Seattle would be in a few centuries!Unfortunately,Red Indians lived there,and they didn’t appreciate travelers invading their land.

They started chasing the duo.Fenrir was too slow,and was killed by them. Zlatos felt even more grieved.How could this have been?He sailed off in a direction no one has found till today,and he landed in Rome!Now,if you may know,Rome is the capital of Italy,and was also the home of Italian food.In one hour,he was taking a tourist trip through the ancient Parthenon,after eating a buffet of pizza (too much anchovies) ,pasta,(too much veggies) and lasagne (too much perfection).

He had a successful trip through the city and soon went back on his ship.He was ready to go back home and scoff in his favourite manner at his friends and relatives that there was no such thing as the edge of the earth.He had learnt that it was round!He was so high and mighty looking to himself. The ship took sail back home.

Then it fell off the edge of the earth


THE END

Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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"Hell hath no fury than an old bag scorned. 'Cross time and again, man had never the opportune to flee."

- A famous proverb said by someone
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True, that. Though I wonder who said that proverb... Hmm... :think-pw:
And good one, Southern Corn. Pride goes before a fall - quite literally.

More headlines:

Man found dead in graveyard

Alton attorney accidentally sues himself

Jellyfish apocalypse not coming

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs

Cows lose their jobs as milk prices drop

Man wants 'hell' taken out of 'hello'

Porn star sues over rear-end collision

Funeral Homes Bring Cheer to Senior Citizens

Threat disrupts plan to meet about threats

Slowdown continues to accelerate

Midget sues grocer, cites belittling remarks

Ex-Minister Breaks Silence, Says Nothing

City unsure why the sewer smells
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I know isn't it

The headlines are great as always

Ooooh I love this one.

An American,an Englishman,and a Mexican are standing on a flying plane near the open cockpit. The Englishman takes out a teabag and throws it out. He explains,"In England,we have so many tea bags that we can just throw them out!" Then the Mexican throws out a bag of chilli peppers. He explains,"In Mexico,we have so many chilli peppers that we can just throw them out." Suddenly,the American pushes the Mexican off the plane. "Hey! Why'd you do that?!", asks the Englishman. Then the American says,"He killed my wife."
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Suputri kuladeepakah.

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I've heard that one before, though the version I'd heard was a bit different.
Good headlines are easy to find. There are just so many.
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Uh huh I looked them up

I told a relative this one and they were reaal disappointed here you go

Spoiler:
A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

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It's okay, but I didn't exactly laugh out loud. Maybe it's just my horrible sense of humour...

And as expected, more headlines from me:

Committe appoints committee to appoint committee

Arsenic in city water nothing to worry about

Students Cook & Serve Grandparents

Cow urine makes for juicy lemons

Planes forced to land at airports

Fish need water; Feds say

Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking

One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers


And signboards:

Shoplifters will be prostituted

Private customer parking only: all others will be toad

Hunters
Please use caution when hunting pedestrians using walk trails

All fields are closed
No trespassing violators will be prosecuted
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Yeah antijokes are an acquired taste

I also just now got the grandparents one wow. And that last one- really kind of them huh

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

THE CHICKEN!

This one I'm also quite proud of. Requires another person though

Ask me if I'm a tree.
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I like how both of them were stringed together. And yeah, it's really kind of the owners.

Since you did ask:
"Are you a tree?"

Last edited by DarkAgea on Sat Apr 01, 2017 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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DarkAgea wrote:
Are you a tree?

No
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Suputri kuladeepakah.

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...
I have no words.
Don't mind me; just giggling like an idiot here.
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Glad you liked it,hehehe.

Spoiler: Heheh
Why did the monkey fall off the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall off the tree?
Because it was holding onto the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall off the tree?
He thought it was a race.

Why did the fridge fall off the tree?
It thought it was a monkey.

Why did Sally fall off her bike?
Because three monkeys and a fridge fell on her.

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Good one. Again, I have no more words to say to that. It's impossible to formulate words for this.


And... even more headlines! I wonder if anybody is going to get sick of them...

Humped to death by a pet camel

Woman missing since she got lost

DIANA WAS STILL ALIVE HOURS BEFORE SHE DIED

Man arrested for everything

Want to spell like a champ? Read Wenster's dictionary.

Psychic arrested again. Still didn't see it coming

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

RAPEFRUIT - Good for every meal

Medical marijuana delivery man attacked by ninjas
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They'll never get old

That Diana one is really popular which makes it all the more worse

Also just some clarification on the Rapefruit ad there's actually half a grapefruit there but it doesn't look like a G oh well

This one's a classic
Spoiler: Uh oh
Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. The masonry store would only sell in lots of 100, so he bought 100. After he finished his house he simply chucked the extra brick over his shoulder.


HAHAHA OMG THAT WAS HILARIOUS

Here's something completely different


Spoiler: lol
A woman with a dog and a man with a cigar are sitting across from each other on a train. The woman complains about the cigar smoke, the man complains about the yapping dog. The woman, in fury, rips the cigar out of the man's mouth and throws it out the window. The man then grabs the woman's dog and throws it out the window. Both sit in silence. Finally the man says "I am so sorry, I lost my temper. I shouldn't have done that." The woman, also sorry, says she was unladylike in the first place. Then they both look agasp out the window, for running along the side of the train was the woman's dog—and guess what it had in its mouth? THE BRICK!

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The Diana one is actually from a satirical newspaper, from what I understand.

And there is half of a grapefruit there, but I think that looks more like a C than a G, which would make that 'crapefruit'. Still not the best. The paper that ran the artice, the Free Press, said that next time they'd just use the G.

Yup, I've heard of that classic before - though it was very different, the base was the same. Still didn't stop me from smiling at that.
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Crapefruit? More like CRAP-E FRUIT!

Hahahaha..

But really,folks... every sixty seconds in Africa
Spoiler:
a minute goes by

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Really, Southern Corn?
The more pressing question, however, is- Why do I giggle at lame jokes? Why?


And this time, instead of headlines, I bring you- newspaper corrections, paras and more!

HONDA CBR 250 FOR SALE: Fully Sick and does the Mad Skids, Can easily outrun the cops & has done so on many occasions. $1,500.

Correction! Last week's ad should have read: "see our huge collection of fun toys" ... not "boys".
(Sorry for any disappointment.)

Correction
Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, -blacked out- SW, was incorrrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday's paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error.

This newspaper correction caused a disturbance in the Force today
In a story on Sunday about a speed dating event at Tampa Bay Comic Con, a Tampa Bay Times report not strong in the ways of the Force (or Star Wars lore) quoted moderator Croix Provence as asking, "Are you ready to find love in all the wrong places?"
What Provence actually asked was, "Are you ready to find love in Alderaan places?" She was referring to Princess Leia Organa's home world, which appeared briefly in the 1977 film.
Regret the error, we do.

Shamed by You English?
You can speak soon and write like a graduate college if me let you help for a day of 15 minutes

Typographical error
Due to a typing error, Thursday's story on local artist Jon Henninger mistakenly reported that Henninger's band mate Eric Lyday was on drugs. The story should have read that Lyday was on drums. The Sentinel regrets the error.

If you feel cold, put on a sweater, crap yourself in a blanket or turn up the heat, recommend the physicians.
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Crapping yourself in the blanket really makes it warmer

How do you irritate someone who loves anime?
Call anime dumb Chinese cartoons.

How do you piss off a nerd?
Frame him for murder.

Spoiler:
I had this weird issue with my computer mouse the other day. I tried to get it to work but it didn't.Then I asked my brother if he could fix it. He tried but he couldn't make it work. Then I asked my sister. She tried but failed to make it work. I then asked my parents. They tried but it didn't work. I asked my Computer Science teacher if he could make it work. He tried but failed to make it functional. I called the company who made the mouse. They sent a guy over but he couldn't make the mouse properly function. Finally,I decided to call my nerdy friend who was good with this stuff. I then realised I couldn't because he's in prison for murder

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As an anime-lover, I can attest to that statement.
Wow, that is one weird story.
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It is indeed

What do you call someone who makes puns?
Unpunny.

The worse thing about atocrect isn't that it makes everybody thing you typo sound wheelie reared
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"atocrect", though? I'm pretty sure autocorrect would not do that. But yes - wheelie reared. Everybody is wheelie reared. Everybody.
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This one guy I know is wheelie reared.

This is technically a terrific tongue twister,but whatever here it is it's humorous if you say it out loud

1-1 was a race horse. 2-2 was one too. 1-1 won one race and 2-2 won one too.

Great wordplay

Also

Can Can's can can can Can Can's cans

It ties with buffalo x 8 though but I like this more
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When I said the 1-1 tongue twister aloud, it came out like a song.

And the Can Can one is fun. There's one like that on 'had'. According to Wikipedia, it goes like:
James, while John had had had, had had had had; had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

With proper emphasis, it'll become:
James, while John had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.
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It's like had is not even a word anymore

What's the difference between a lawyer and slime?

One practises law,the other's slime.
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That's what I felt as well.

Nice subversion of what I thought it would turn out like.

Talking about lawyers, this was taken from a TV Tropes entry (Either World Domination or Something About Bananas):
"A word for lawyer is avocat. The word for avocado is avocat. Guacamole recipes run through Google Translate have been known to instruct the reader to cut the lawyer in half to remove the pit."

Mental images aplenty for that.
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What brand of electronics is most common among people in Newcastle?
Lenovo.
To all the creepypastas, Romans, etc.
http://pa1.narvii.com/5806/85074bd75bdf ... 9d1_hq.gif
YOU JUST MESSED WITH THE WRONG PERSON!!!

Hydrophyl the Feraligatr is going to rearrange the Phantom's kneecaps! You never know, I used him, and only him - to defeat the entire E4 and all of Kanto's Gym leaders, believe it or not!

I've become a DeviantArt member! Link to my DeviantArt Here:
http://articuno32.deviantart.com/
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ONG IM SO SORRY FOR THIS NEXT ONE IM SOOO IMATUREE111!

What is Dog Food Lid backwards?
A dog food lid on its side.

Nah jk here's the real question

What is Dog Food Lid SPELT backwards?

I apologise in advance. It's
Spoiler:
diL dooF goD


NUMBER JOKES
Spoiler:
Why was six afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registrated six offender

Why was 6 afraid of 7,37, and 97?
Because it's prejudiced against sevens.

Why was 6 afraid of 7 and 5?
Because they were sandwiching him. LITERALLY
They're both cannibals

Why was six afraid of 5,7, and 37?
Dunno,guess it doesn't like numbers in their prime

Why was six afraid of i?
Not sure either,it's pretty unreal to me

Why was six afraid of pi?
I don't get it either,six is acting rather irrationally nowadays

Knock
Knock
Knock knock
Knock knock knock
Knock knock knock knock knock
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock
Who's there?
Fibonacci

Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Suputri kuladeepakah.

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Really? Really? I wonder how someone could get so creative... But how does that match up so perfectly?!

I think my favourites from those number jokes are the last two 'six is afraid' ones. I don't know why.

Instead of headlines, today I have - real-life incidents! It's from a list I keep with me.

Student: Why ductility, ma'am?
Teacher: Because chicken wasn't available.

Me: Do you know Greek mythology?
Friend: Yeah.
Me: What do you know?
Friend: Thor.

A: I have seen the movie! It's boring!
B: ... The movie hasn't even been released.
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How irrational,mang. Those jokes were pretty unreal though

Thor? He's my favourite Egyptian God. Nah jk he's Indian

I'm quite proud of this one

MURDER- A haiku

Shot right in the heart
The weapon,a stray arrow
The victim,a hawk

There's an interesting story behind this one
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Suputri kuladeepakah.

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Mang? What is that supposed to mean?

Good haiku. It sounds like a hunter/archer shot a hawk and killed it, but that seems way too simple. What's that interesting story?
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Read this in a stoner voice-"Yo,maaaaaaaaaan."

The man turns into mang.

The interesting story is that I was originally going to make this just straight up about murder,but at the last second I made the victim a bird. So people are going to think it to be serious before the subversion at the end that it was just some hunter's prey. Of course,you can take this and easily put his into an anti poaching campaign and it'd be effective
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Suputri kuladeepakah.

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Are you indirectly admitting you're stoned?

Actually, if we're taking the first two lines alone, I'd say it sounds more like Cupid's arrow. And yeah, it could be made used for an anti-poaching campaign. Try sending it to one. Anyone except PETA's.
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Yes a boulder fell on me please call for help

Actually I never noticed that. That could've been appropriate for Valentine's Day. :hotti:

A guy had myopia but didn't want to get glasses. Finally,after being endlessly persuaded by his friends,he concaved in and bought a pair.
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Suputri kuladeepakah.

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A boulder fell on you, yet you and your whatever-you're-using-to-enter-court-records is entirely fine, and you haven't suffered amnesia or anything - like I don't know, death. Why does that sound like a certain someone who fell into a river, which was known for killing many of the people who fell, yet survived with a mere cold?

I don't know whether I should work on my sense of humour, or leave it as it is so that I can smile at such stuff. The guy concaved in. And I suppose those with hypermetropia convexed out?
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