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Jokes? https://forums.court-records.net/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=10471 |
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Author: | MikeMeekinsFan [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:09 am ] |
Post subject: | Jokes? |
Know any good jokes? Please avoid any offensive material..... If it's perverted than fine. If it's extremely Sexual put it in a spoiler tag. This is Muffin's favorite: Two muffins sit in an oven. One says "Geez, it's hot in here," the other said. "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" An old one: A little boy offers a girl with a skirt on 25¢ to climb the flag pole. She did, came down, and took the money. The next day the boy offered 50¢ and she did it again. This continued for a while until the teacher pulled her aside one day. She said, "Now, Mary-Ann, he's only doing that to look up your skirt!" she said. The little girl responded, "I know, but I showed him. I took off my underwear!" |
Author: | PrinceDaniel07 [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:14 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
What do you call someone who craves iron in food? A METALHEAD. |
Author: | ButzPuff [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:15 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Here's a personal favorite of mine: This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the bar again and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!" The duck looked startled and leaves. Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?" |
Author: | MikeMeekinsFan [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:17 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
That's great!! XD Nice one Butzy! |
Author: | Duclis [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:18 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
ButzPuff wrote: Here's a personal favorite of mine: This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the bar again and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!" The duck looked startled and leaves. Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?" LOL If that was me I would smack that duck. :C |
Author: | PhoenixFire [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:22 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
(I didn't really get a text, it's part of the joke) K, so I got a text from this blonde chick: 'What does idk mean?' I replied: 'i don't know' I get this back: 'Geez, nobody knows lol' (don't be offended if you're blonde <_<) Another good one: This guy walks in to a bar. He says "Ow." |
Author: | MikeMeekinsFan [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:23 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
That last one's funny! XD |
Author: | ButzPuff [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:25 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Well, I'm glad that you guys enjoyed that joke. You can see why it's one of my personal favorites. Spoiler: The Laws of Cat Physics This one is bit long but it's worth it for the few laughs and it's perfect for cat owners. |
Author: | Nutrition Facts [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:27 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
My favorite joke: How does a crazy person get through the forest? . . . S/he takes the psycho-'path' |
Author: | PhoenixFire [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:27 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
I've got a bunch that I just remembered! I heard them from my grandpa. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your doorstep? Mat. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? Bill. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob. What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Ilene. Where does Ilene work? IHOP. |
Author: | Nutrition Facts [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:29 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
TheObjectionist wrote: What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Ilene. What do you call a Japanese woman with one arm and one leg? Irene. |
Author: | PhoenixFire [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:35 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Nutrition Facts wrote: TheObjectionist wrote: What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Ilene. What do you call a Japanese woman with one arm and one leg? Irene. AHAHAHA!!! That's classic. |
Author: | Neon Lemmy Koopa [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:48 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
How do you gross out an archaeologist ~~~~~~~~~ You give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from. |
Author: | root_beer_junkie [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:01 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
God finds out Heaven is getting too crowded. So, he sets up a new rule: The person has to have had a bad day when they died. So, St. Peter goes to the Pearly Gates with the new job description. The first man is told to explain his day. "Picture this," he says, "I live in the 25th floor apartment, and I've been married for thirty-some-odd years. And I'm certain my wife was cheating on me every day. So, I decided to come home early and try to catch her in the act. Well, I got there, and she was half-naked, but the guy wasn't there. I searched everywhere, until I found him hanging onto the balcony by his fingertips. I stomped on his fingers until he fell, but the bushes below saved his life. I grabbed the nearest thing to me- the refrigerator- and throw it at him. But I had a heart attack right after that." "Wow," says Saint Peter. "Go right ahead then." The second man shows up, and tells his story: "Picture this," he says. "I live on a 26th floor apartment, and I was doing my daily exercises. But the rail on my balcony broke, and I fell. I grabbed onto another balcony rail, only to find some crazy guy who stomps on my fingers! I fall onto the bushes. So I'm lying there, in agony, when that same guy throws a refrigerator on me! And that's how I died." "Okay," says Saint Peter. "Go on through." The third guy shows up, and is told to explain his day. "Picture this," he says. "I'm naked in a refrigerator..." |
Author: | Aviv [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 7:55 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Guy walks to a bar. he invites everyone including host and the bartender, to a whole round of booze. the host asks "Do you have the money?" the guy said "No." so the host kicks him out. the next day he comes again, and gets everyone another round. "Do you have the money?" "No." kicked out of the bar. the third day, the guy comes and invites everyone EXCEPT the host. The host asks "Why aren't you inviting me this time?" "You become aggressive when you're drunk." |
Author: | Gregory Wright [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:04 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Three priests died on the same day. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greeted them. "I would let you in, gentlemen, but unfortunately our computer is down and we can't let anyone in until all systems are back up and running. In the meantime, the Lord has decided that you can return to Earth as anything you want until we're ready for you. So...what would you like to be for now?" "I've always wondered what it would be like to be an eagle and fly among them." "So be it." "I would like to be a lion." "So be it." Finally, it came time for the third priest to make his selection. "What is your preference, sir?" "Say...you said the computer is down. ...Would you be able to track what I'm doing down on Earth?" "No sir, we would not." "In that case...I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it." After a week had elapsed, everything was back to normal and the Lord informed St. Peter that the three priests could be brought in. "Will you have much trouble locating Cardinal Knier?" "No, Lord. He's nested in the Rockies. Piece of cake." "How about Bishop Arinze?" "Not a problem. He's in a pride on the grasslands of Tanzania." "And Brother Robinson?" "Locating him might be more of a challenge. He's on a snow tire somewhere in Iowa." |
Author: | Superninfreak [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:13 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
This might not be that great but it's kinda clever: So a guy walks into a bar and says "OW!". |
Author: | Liquidzilla [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:40 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
(goes something like this) "Hey, try this new snapple!" "Oww! my mouth!" (sn = tin in the periodic table XD) |
Author: | johnny rainbow [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:47 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
A few old ones, but they still make me chuckle. Spoiler: I only know offensive jokes I also know racist jokes, but I doubt those would fly here... |
Author: | Aviv [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 11:50 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
LMAO, I ROFLD AT THE LAST ONE XD |
Author: | Cobblepotter [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 1:40 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Two drug addicts were caught by the police, one was taking gunpowder from fireworks, the other was taking battery acid. One was charged and one was let go. Spoiler: |
Author: | RazeTora [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 2:21 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Okay, three men are running from the cops. They stop at a farm to hide. The first guy hides with the chickens, the second guy hides with the cows, and the third guy hides in the potato patch. The cops arrive to inspect the farm. They pass by the chicken coop, and the first man goes "Ba-Gawk! Ba-Gawk!" The police agree there are just chickens there and move on. They pass the barn with the cows in it. The second man goes "Mooooo." The police agree there are just cows and move on. They walk over to the potato patch. The third man says: "Potato! Potato!" |
Author: | johnny rainbow [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:15 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
I think I'll say one racist joke. Keep in mind that I'm not racist..I just find this one really cute. Spoiler: |
Author: | MikeMeekinsFan [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:38 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
johnny rainbow wrote: I think I'll say one racist joke. Keep in mind that I'm not racist..I just find this one really cute. Spoiler: XD that's not bad! I mean as long as it doesn't seem offensive to you. As long as you really aren't insulting them. I mean I suppose it depends if that person can laugh at his/herself. Like, take me for example.....I laugh at blond jokes and I AM blond. But, I put that rule up there so no one can find a way to flame another person |
Author: | root_beer_junkie [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:25 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
There's a lot of blond jokes, so here's a retort for you: Spoiler: And since I'm a brunette... well, I'm not offended. ^^ |
Author: | Nutrition Facts [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:37 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
johnny rainbow wrote: I think I'll say one racist joke. Keep in mind that I'm not racist..I just find this one really cute. Spoiler: Haha, that is kind of cute xD I told it to my friend Ryu (who is secretly Mexican :P [he's aka Rolando]) and he was like, "Well now I know what to say when my apartment collapses." |
Author: | Neon Lemmy Koopa [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:18 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Spoiler: I came up with that myself. and Im black, so Im not offended. |
Author: | ButzPuff [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:31 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Spoiler: Drunk Giraffe Spoiler: Rude Parrot Spoiler: Another Parrot Joke (contains curses) |
Author: | Justice is blind [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:12 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
The first parrot one was awesome. Here's mine. The Pope, Jesus, and God are all playing golf. The first hole is a par 5. So first goes the pope. He hits a beautiful drive, 300 yards, lands just off center of the fairway. Next up is Jesus. He hits an AMAZING tee shot, 350 yards, DIRECTLY on the center of the fairway. Finally, God steps up to the box. He hits a decent drive, but just as the ball reaches its peak, an eagle catches it in its mouth! It flies along and drops the ball right onto the green, where a squirrel pushes it in with its nose. Jesus looks at God and says, "Dad, are You going to play golf or are You going to fool around?" |
Author: | Cobblepotter [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:24 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. A woman walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper, and looks for cute guys to talk to, but she only sees the bartender, so she starts to talk to him. She asks what he's drinking, and he answers "Magic beer." "That's not really Magic beer, is it?" The bartender says "Sure it is! I'll show you." He takes a sip, jumps out of the window, flies around the building twice and returns. She's impressed, and asks if she can have some of his drink. She takes a sip, jumps out of the window, falls twenty stories and craters on the pavement. The manager then goes to the bartender and says "You know Superman, you really are a jerk when you're drunk." |
Author: | Salutation Here [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:43 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Coppo wrote: Two drug addicts were caught by the police, one was taking gunpowder from fireworks, the other was taking battery acid. One was charged and one was let go. Spoiler: Oh my gosh, my friend used to use the one in spoiler tags on girls. Except he said 'it tells me you're not wearing any underwear', and when the girl says she is, he says 'must be an hour fast. Let me buy you a drink.' |
Author: | Steel Samurai [ Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:51 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
This is an old one: A grasshopper hops in to a bar. The bartender saids to the grasshopper:"We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper is amazed:"You've got a drink named Jackson?" |
Author: | DLH [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:38 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
ButzPuff wrote: Well, I'm glad that you guys enjoyed that joke. You can see why it's one of my personal favorites. Spoiler: The Laws of Cat Physics This one is bit long but it's worth it for the few laughs and it's perfect for cat owners. you forgot one: murphy's law. Spoiler: |
Author: | Black-Harmonia [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:43 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
3 old guys are walking down the street. (I'll use PW smileys just for fun) Boy! It's windy! No, it's thrusday! Hey me too. Lets go get some cokes! ...not funny? maybe sorta...my dad's favorite jokes. |
Author: | Nameless2000 [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:03 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Spoiler: Uses AA1-3 Murderers |
Author: | Gregory Wright [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:48 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
This joke is potentially very offensive as it involves the repeated uttering of specific derogatory racial names. If you can handle these for the sake of a pun, no harm done. That said, here 'goes: Spoiler: |
Author: | johnny rainbow [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 9:13 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Here are some cheesy Korean jokes...though they're only funny if you know Korean. What did Dracula order at a Korean cafe? KOH-PEE!! What did the robber say to a Korean baker? BBANG!! Why is Korean toilet paper so big? BECAUSE IT'S HUGE-EY!! What did the Korean turkey say to its kids? GOBBLE JI MAH!! What did the Korean boy say to a cute girl with no ears? "Kee uhb dah..." |
Author: | Konkmeister [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:38 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Here's a joke i read off of a pack of Tootie Frooties. Why are pirates called pirates? Coz they Arr :) |
Author: | CoffeeAddict [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:51 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Konkmeister wrote: Here's a joke i read off of a pack of Tootie Frooties. Why are pirates called pirates? Coz they Arr :) lol, i dunno, but that made me laugh. |
Author: | Steel Samurai [ Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:29 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Hehe, jokes are funny :D |
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