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Jokes? https://forums.court-records.net/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=10471 |
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Author: | dimentiorules [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 4:03 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. I got fired from the calendar factory, I don't understand why, all I did was take a day off. Why couldn't the two melons run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe. I got fired from the Orange juice factory, I got canned, couldn't concentrate. I'd make a chemistry joke, but I wouldn't get a reaction. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 4:17 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
The first comment on this controversial coffee ad is the best. For those who're too lazy,here's the comment: Spoiler: Language I guess and also not to spoil the punchline What a legend,this Erik. |
Author: | dimentiorules [ Fri Feb 24, 2017 4:52 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
How do you catch a moose? You dig a great big hole, and put peas all around the outside, and when the moose comes up to have a pea, you kick him in the hole. What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from prison? A small medium at large. Why can't you hide under a toadstool? Cause there's not mushroom! Why did the frog have to take the bus? Because his car got toad. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium! |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Fri Feb 24, 2017 6:23 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
What's 1999+1? 0, because of Y2K. 2000.... Actually,I found this one on an askreddit thread about certain types of jokes. Thanks to user MewtewniteX for this. Spoiler: |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Tue Mar 07, 2017 1:09 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
What country starts with Ind and ends with ia? Indonesia! |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Tue Mar 14, 2017 9:30 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
What is the difference between a maid and a younger sibling? -A maid gets paid for her slavery. What do you call a king's fart? -Noble gas What do you do with a sick chemist? -If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium. Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon. xXx (using AA smilies 'cause they're awesome) : Hi Tech Support: Tech support, How may I help you? : Hi, I've got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don't want one. Tech Support: Excuse me? : It's giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it. Tech Support: Read the message to me please. : Error: Python required to run the script. xXx : Dad, can I ask a question? : But you just did. : Can I ask two questions? : But you already did! : Then can I ask four questions? : You just did again! : But when? : Now. : Dad please. xXx Newspaper Headlines: "Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney" "Mayor Parris to Homeless: Go Home" "Missippi's literacy program shows improvement" "Homicide victims rarely talk to police" "Utah Poison Control Centre reminds everyone not to take poison" "Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons" |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Thu Mar 16, 2017 7:01 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes |
Those headlines are the best How do you make someone a redneck? Slit their throat How do you make someone red-haired? Dye their hair red Spoiler: I found this one a while back. Forgot about it. Yes I wrote it and I'm proud of it. Keep in mind it isn't historically or geographically accurate but it isn't meant to be either Spoiler: |
Author: | Rubia Ryu the Royal [ Thu Mar 16, 2017 9:46 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
"Hell hath no fury than an old bag scorned. 'Cross time and again, man had never the opportune to flee." - A famous proverb said by someone |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Fri Mar 17, 2017 11:30 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
True, that. Though I wonder who said that proverb... Hmm... And good one, Southern Corn. Pride goes before a fall - quite literally. More headlines: Man found dead in graveyard Alton attorney accidentally sues himself Jellyfish apocalypse not coming Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs Cows lose their jobs as milk prices drop Man wants 'hell' taken out of 'hello' Porn star sues over rear-end collision Funeral Homes Bring Cheer to Senior Citizens Threat disrupts plan to meet about threats Slowdown continues to accelerate Midget sues grocer, cites belittling remarks Ex-Minister Breaks Silence, Says Nothing City unsure why the sewer smells |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Fri Mar 17, 2017 11:40 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
I know isn't it The headlines are great as always Ooooh I love this one. An American,an Englishman,and a Mexican are standing on a flying plane near the open cockpit. The Englishman takes out a teabag and throws it out. He explains,"In England,we have so many tea bags that we can just throw them out!" Then the Mexican throws out a bag of chilli peppers. He explains,"In Mexico,we have so many chilli peppers that we can just throw them out." Suddenly,the American pushes the Mexican off the plane. "Hey! Why'd you do that?!", asks the Englishman. Then the American says,"He killed my wife." |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Fri Mar 17, 2017 1:48 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
I've heard that one before, though the version I'd heard was a bit different. Good headlines are easy to find. There are just so many. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Fri Mar 17, 2017 3:31 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Uh huh I looked them up I told a relative this one and they were reaal disappointed here you go Spoiler: |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 2:27 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
It's okay, but I didn't exactly laugh out loud. Maybe it's just my horrible sense of humour... And as expected, more headlines from me: Committe appoints committee to appoint committee Arsenic in city water nothing to worry about Students Cook & Serve Grandparents Cow urine makes for juicy lemons Planes forced to land at airports Fish need water; Feds say Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers And signboards: Shoplifters will be prostituted Private customer parking only: all others will be toad Hunters Please use caution when hunting pedestrians using walk trails All fields are closed No trespassing violators will be prosecuted |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 2:39 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Yeah antijokes are an acquired taste I also just now got the grandparents one wow. And that last one- really kind of them huh Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house. Knock knock. Who's there? THE CHICKEN! This one I'm also quite proud of. Requires another person though Ask me if I'm a tree. |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 3:08 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
I like how both of them were stringed together. And yeah, it's really kind of the owners. Since you did ask: "Are you a tree?" |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 5:00 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
DarkAgea wrote: Are you a tree? No |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:17 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
... I have no words. Don't mind me; just giggling like an idiot here. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:21 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Glad you liked it,hehehe. Spoiler: Heheh |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:36 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Good one. Again, I have no more words to say to that. It's impossible to formulate words for this. And... even more headlines! I wonder if anybody is going to get sick of them... Humped to death by a pet camel Woman missing since she got lost DIANA WAS STILL ALIVE HOURS BEFORE SHE DIED Man arrested for everything Want to spell like a champ? Read Wenster's dictionary. Psychic arrested again. Still didn't see it coming Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25 RAPEFRUIT - Good for every meal Medical marijuana delivery man attacked by ninjas |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:38 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
They'll never get old That Diana one is really popular which makes it all the more worse Also just some clarification on the Rapefruit ad there's actually half a grapefruit there but it doesn't look like a G oh well This one's a classic Spoiler: Uh oh HAHAHA OMG THAT WAS HILARIOUS Here's something completely different Spoiler: lol |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sat Mar 18, 2017 7:16 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
The Diana one is actually from a satirical newspaper, from what I understand. And there is half of a grapefruit there, but I think that looks more like a C than a G, which would make that 'crapefruit'. Still not the best. The paper that ran the artice, the Free Press, said that next time they'd just use the G. Yup, I've heard of that classic before - though it was very different, the base was the same. Still didn't stop me from smiling at that. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:49 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Crapefruit? More like CRAP-E FRUIT! Hahahaha.. But really,folks... every sixty seconds in Africa Spoiler: |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:05 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Really, Southern Corn? The more pressing question, however, is- Why do I giggle at lame jokes? Why? And this time, instead of headlines, I bring you- newspaper corrections, paras and more! HONDA CBR 250 FOR SALE: Fully Sick and does the Mad Skids, Can easily outrun the cops & has done so on many occasions. $1,500. Correction! Last week's ad should have read: "see our huge collection of fun toys" ... not "boys". (Sorry for any disappointment.) Correction Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, -blacked out- SW, was incorrrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday's paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error. This newspaper correction caused a disturbance in the Force today In a story on Sunday about a speed dating event at Tampa Bay Comic Con, a Tampa Bay Times report not strong in the ways of the Force (or Star Wars lore) quoted moderator Croix Provence as asking, "Are you ready to find love in all the wrong places?" What Provence actually asked was, "Are you ready to find love in Alderaan places?" She was referring to Princess Leia Organa's home world, which appeared briefly in the 1977 film. Regret the error, we do. Shamed by You English? You can speak soon and write like a graduate college if me let you help for a day of 15 minutes Typographical error Due to a typing error, Thursday's story on local artist Jon Henninger mistakenly reported that Henninger's band mate Eric Lyday was on drugs. The story should have read that Lyday was on drums. The Sentinel regrets the error. If you feel cold, put on a sweater, crap yourself in a blanket or turn up the heat, recommend the physicians. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:12 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Crapping yourself in the blanket really makes it warmer How do you irritate someone who loves anime? Call anime dumb Chinese cartoons. How do you piss off a nerd? Frame him for murder. Spoiler: |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:43 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
As an anime-lover, I can attest to that statement. Wow, that is one weird story. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:47 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
It is indeed What do you call someone who makes puns? Unpunny. The worse thing about atocrect isn't that it makes everybody thing you typo sound wheelie reared |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:01 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
"atocrect", though? I'm pretty sure autocorrect would not do that. But yes - wheelie reared. Everybody is wheelie reared. Everybody. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:04 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
This one guy I know is wheelie reared. This is technically a terrific tongue twister,but whatever here it is it's humorous if you say it out loud 1-1 was a race horse. 2-2 was one too. 1-1 won one race and 2-2 won one too. Great wordplay Also Can Can's can can can Can Can's cans It ties with buffalo x 8 though but I like this more |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:47 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
When I said the 1-1 tongue twister aloud, it came out like a song. And the Can Can one is fun. There's one like that on 'had'. According to Wikipedia, it goes like: James, while John had had had, had had had had; had had had had a better effect on the teacher. With proper emphasis, it'll become: James, while John had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had a better effect on the teacher. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:50 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
It's like had is not even a word anymore What's the difference between a lawyer and slime? One practises law,the other's slime. |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 8:45 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
That's what I felt as well. Nice subversion of what I thought it would turn out like. Talking about lawyers, this was taken from a TV Tropes entry (Either World Domination or Something About Bananas): "A word for lawyer is avocat. The word for avocado is avocat. Guacamole recipes run through Google Translate have been known to instruct the reader to cut the lawyer in half to remove the pit." Mental images aplenty for that. |
Author: | Student678 [ Sun Mar 19, 2017 9:30 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
What brand of electronics is most common among people in Newcastle? Lenovo. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 6:46 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
ONG IM SO SORRY FOR THIS NEXT ONE IM SOOO IMATUREE111! What is Dog Food Lid backwards? A dog food lid on its side. Nah jk here's the real question What is Dog Food Lid SPELT backwards? I apologise in advance. It's Spoiler: NUMBER JOKES Spoiler: |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 8:50 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Really? Really? I wonder how someone could get so creative... But how does that match up so perfectly?! I think my favourites from those number jokes are the last two 'six is afraid' ones. I don't know why. Instead of headlines, today I have - real-life incidents! It's from a list I keep with me. Student: Why ductility, ma'am? Teacher: Because chicken wasn't available. Me: Do you know Greek mythology? Friend: Yeah. Me: What do you know? Friend: Thor. A: I have seen the movie! It's boring! B: ... The movie hasn't even been released. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:28 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
How irrational,mang. Those jokes were pretty unreal though Thor? He's my favourite Egyptian God. Nah jk he's Indian I'm quite proud of this one MURDER- A haiku Shot right in the heart The weapon,a stray arrow The victim,a hawk There's an interesting story behind this one |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:43 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Mang? What is that supposed to mean? Good haiku. It sounds like a hunter/archer shot a hawk and killed it, but that seems way too simple. What's that interesting story? |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:43 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Read this in a stoner voice-"Yo,maaaaaaaaaan." The man turns into mang. The interesting story is that I was originally going to make this just straight up about murder,but at the last second I made the victim a bird. So people are going to think it to be serious before the subversion at the end that it was just some hunter's prey. Of course,you can take this and easily put his into an anti poaching campaign and it'd be effective |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:58 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Are you indirectly admitting you're stoned? Actually, if we're taking the first two lines alone, I'd say it sounds more like Cupid's arrow. And yeah, it could be made used for an anti-poaching campaign. Try sending it to one. Anyone except PETA's. |
Author: | Southern Corn [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:00 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Yes a boulder fell on me please call for help Actually I never noticed that. That could've been appropriate for Valentine's Day. A guy had myopia but didn't want to get glasses. Finally,after being endlessly persuaded by his friends,he concaved in and bought a pair. |
Author: | DarkAgea [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:52 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
A boulder fell on you, yet you and your whatever-you're-using-to-enter-court-records is entirely fine, and you haven't suffered amnesia or anything - like I don't know, death. Why does that sound like a certain someone who fell into a river, which was known for killing many of the people who fell, yet survived with a mere cold? I don't know whether I should work on my sense of humour, or leave it as it is so that I can smile at such stuff. The guy concaved in. And I suppose those with hypermetropia convexed out? |
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