Cause of death is being dummy
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Location: Metropolitan Atlanta
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm
Posts: 812
Almost three weeks without a post... I still haven't quite figured out the life-cycle of threads on this forum, so I'm just going to assume that means it's slowly dying. Which means
resuscitation, stat! Today's fic is
Phoenix Wright Gets Hit in the Nuts, which, as you may recall, caused a bit of commotion earlier in the thread when it was first recommended.
I'll be giving this
because
cesar26100 wrote:
But...the twist...is so good...
Today's sporkers will be...
Apollo Justice! "'Rating: Fiction T.' Bring it on."
Athena Cykes! "For some reason I sense some very cheap jokes coming up..."
and...
Trucy Wright! "With a title like that, no wonder Daddy's not in here."
[We open up in the sporking theatre (not the room that was specially re-outfitted for a trial, of course). Today's sporkers are already seated in the following order: Trucy, Apollo, Athena, Athena's giant pile of snacks.]Apollo: Is there even a point to asking you about that?
Athena: Of course it gets its own seat! Snacks are people too, Apollo!
Apollo: ...I was actually going to ask if you were planning on sharing.
Trucy: If you want snacks, Polly, I have some. *pulls out magic panties*
Apollo: Forget it.
Athena: Let's get started on the sporking, then! C'mon!
[The lights dim, and we begin with the author's note.]Quote:
I'm sorry I wrote this.
Apollo: Oh. That's... encouraging.
Trucy: The best things in life always start with an apology, Polly.
Athena: Hee. A-Polly-gy.
Apollo: Thanks, Athena.
Athena: Sorry, I had to.
Quote:
It's actually based on a dream I had. XD Enjoy!
Athena: So how often are fics based off of dreams actually any good?
Trucy: I'm not sure... I don't think I've seen any. What about you, Polly?
Apollo: Don't look at me. I think I've only been in here a few more times than you have.
Quote:
Phoenix Wright whistled a happy tune as he walked through the cluttered Wright Anything Agency, stacks of files in his arms. He found his way to his desk and set down the large stack of papers on the brown plastic desk (which he pretended was mahogany) with a satisfying thump.
Trucy: Hey! It's not
plastic!
Athena: What is it, then?
Trucy: I'm not sure, but it's the same desk that Daddy's mentor used, so...
Apollo: So we're just assuming that she has better taste than Mr. Wright.
Quote:
It was time to practice the sacred art known as...paperwork.
Apollo & Athena: *groan*
Apollo: Hey, wait, what are you groaning for, Athena?! You always make me do it!!
Athena: Yeah, but if you went jogging with me like I
asked you to, we could have made Boss do all of it!
Trucy: ...I'm glad being a magician doesn't involve much paperwork.
Quote:
Pen? Check, Phoenix thought, whipping out his plastic pen he bought at Target for ten cents (which he pretended was an expensive fountain pen).
Trucy: Ten cents for one pen? That's actually kind of expensive...
Apollo: Inflation, maybe?
Quote:
Good lighting? Check.
Patience? Check.
Hair still spiky? Ahoge still defying gravity? Check, Phoenix thought, glancing in a hand-mirror he pulled from hammer-space.
Apollo: Oh boy, hair jokes.
Athena: My hair defies gravity better than his hair. And your hair too, Apollo.
Apollo: This isn't a contest!
Quote:
"Hey, Mr. Wright!" Someone walked into the room, and Phoenix quickly put the mirror back into hammer-space.
"Oh, hey...uh...what was your name again?" Phoenix asked.
The wimpy side character nobody likes face-palmed. "It's Apollo Justice.
Apollo: *frown*
Trucy: It's okay, Polly.
I don't think you're a wimpy side character.
Athena: Yeah, me neither! You're an
awesome side character!
Apollo: ...Athena, I'm a
main character.
Speakers:
The Management would like to request that all sporkers refrain from breaking the fourth wall.Quote:
Are you really so narcissistic that you forgot my name?"
"I have a lot of people working under me," Phoenix said defensively. "I can't be bothered to remember everyone's name."
"ONLY TWO PEOPLE WORK UNDER YOU!" Apollo yelled, his Chords of Steel rupturing everybody's eardrums.
Athena: Wouldn't it be three people? Me, Apollo, and Trucy?
Trucy: Haha, no, Daddy works under me. I'm the CEO, remember?
Athena: ...oh yeah!
Apollo: (At what point does she just give up and let us call it a law office?)
Quote:
"Okay, I'll try harder next time," Phoenix said. "Now, if you excuse me, I have some very important work to do."
"What are you doing?" Apollo asked, his curiosity peaked.
Trucy: Isn't the word "piqued"?
Athena: Maybe it's talking about the peak of Mt. Curiosity.
Apollo: I don't think that's a real mountain.
Quote:
"Paperwork," Phoenix answered. "It's for a case I'm going to be defending."
"P-paperwork...?" Apollo repeated incredulously.
"Uh, yeah. That's what lawyers have to do, you know."
"No..." Apollo breathed. "...NO! LAWYERS DON'T DO PAPERWORK! WE INVESTIGATE AND YELL NONSENSE AND POINT OUR FINGERS!"
Apollo & Athena: ...
Trucy: Sounds about right to me.
Quote:
Phoenix's eyes widened. After a second, he burst out laughing. "Wow...you really didn't know that lawyers do paperwork? I have no idea how someone could be so ignorant."
Apollo started crying.
Athena: What's the matter, Apollo? Couldn't handle the Boss'
sick burns?
Apollo: Where did you even get that pair of sunglasses from?
Quote:
"There, there, uh...Red Attorney," Phoenix tried to comfort him. "I'll teach you how to do paperwork! Here, you can help me with these files. They're for-"
"I WILL NEVER DO PAPERWORK!" Apollo screamed as anger boiled inside of him. All his life, all his dreams were a lie. He was so infuriated that he needed to kick something. So he kicked Phoenix Wright in the nuts.
Apollo: *wince*
Athena & Trucy: *exchange glances, shrug*
Apollo: (Women...)
Athena & Trucy: (Men...)
Quote:
Phoenix gasped in pain and sunk to the ground, clutching his nuts. "Crap! I-I'm sorry, Mr. Wright!" Apollo apollogized frantically.
It just so happened that Trucy and Athena were walking by, talking about something that nobody cares about.
Trucy: Hey! I'm sure we were talking about something important!
Athena: Yeah!
Apollo: That's really not the... why do I even bother?
Quote:
They quickly spotted Apollo standing over a fallen Phoenix.
"Apollo!" Athena shouted, she and Trucy running over. "What happened to Mr. Wright?!"
"I...I kicked him in the nuts, and he fell over," Apollo said. "I think he's okay, though..."
"YOU DID WHAT?!" Athena shrieked. "Why would you kick his nuts, Apollo?!"
"I-I didn't realize it was such a big deal..."
Athena: Pfft. Apollo, you're a
guy. How could you
not realize it was a big deal?
Apollo: Can we not have this conversation?
Quote:
"Of course it's a big deal!" Trucy growled. "Polly, don't you know that a man's nuts are the thing most important to him?!"
"Um, actually, it's not his nuts," Apollo tried to explain. "It's his-"
"Apollo! Not in front of a young girl!" Athena stopped him.
Trucy: I'm not that young!
Apollo: You could act a little more your age, though.
Trucy: I do act my age! It's not my fault you're an old fart.
Quote:
"Oh, no...will we have to take Daddy to the hospital? We'll have to get him new nuts!" Trucy panicked. "How much do they cost?"
"Trucy, he's fine," Apollo rolled his eyes. "He's just being melodramatic."
"If you say so..." Trucy frowned.
So the three of them sat down to play a game of Jenga.
Apollo: ...with Mr. Wright still on the floor in pain?
Athena: You were the one who just said he was being melodramatic.
Trucy: Daddy cheats at Jenga anyway.
Apollo: (Why am I not surprised?)
Quote:
But after a while, the sound of sirens wailing pierced through the air.
"See?!" Trucy jumped up. "They're going to take Daddy to the hospital!"
Apollo: But I thought none of us bothered to call an ambulance.
Trucy: Obviously, they're psychic EMTs, Polly! Isn't that amazing?
Athena: ...Apollo, is that even the sort of thing that psychic EMTs would bother with?
Apollo: Uh, I guess... in some cases?
Quote:
"Let me take a look," Apollo sighed. He stood up and looked out the window of the Wright Anything Agency. There weren't any ambulances outside...but there were police cars and policemen holding guns.
Trucy: Oh my gosh, Polly, they're going to arrest you for kicking Daddy in the nuts!
Apollo: Just so we're clear, this sporking is not going to leave this theatre, right?
Athena: Of course, Apollo!
Trucy: I can't guarantee anything.
Quote:
"There he is!" one of the policemen shouted gruffly, seeing Apollo poking his head out the window.
"Wh-what's going on?!" Apollo cried.
"You're under arrest, pal!" another policeman (guess who) shouted. "Come down with your hands up, or we'll shoot ya!"
"No! I didn't do anything!" Apollo protested.
"We warned you!" One of the policemen aimed his gun at Apollo. He screamed and ducked, and managed to miss being hit. But the bullet soared through the window and hit the Jenga tower, causing it to fly apart.
Athena: I claim outside interference!
Trucy: ...so does that mean you were about to win?
Athena: Obviously! It's me! I'm a Jenga master.
Apollo: (...I've never seen you play Jenga. Ever.)
Quote:
"NO! I WAS ABOUT TO WIN!" Athena sobbed.
Athena: Ha! *points at screen triumphantly*
Apollo: Yeah, so fic-you is a Jenga master. So what?
Athena: What, you don't believe me? Fine then, as soon as we're done here... I challenge you to a game of Jenga!
Trucy: To the death!
Apollo: W-What?
Athena: No backing out!
Trucy: Don't worry, Polly, I'll be your second.
Apollo: ...
Quote:
"You guys! What the hell is going on?" Apollo asked.
"Oh, you didn't know?" Trucy cocked her head. "Polly, you're a murder suspect. You supposedly shot a man a few days ago."
Athena: Then why is he running around free?
Trucy: Maybe he kicked the guards in the nuts too.
Athena: Wouldn't they assign him a female guard after a certain point?
Apollo: Why are we talking about this?
Quote:
"Then why don't I remember any of that?!"
"You were drunk."
"Oh."
"But Daddy said he had decisive evidence you weren't the killer," Trucy frowned. "Why are they still arresting you?"
"Wait, I remember," Athena butted in. "Boss said that he had to file some paperwork releasing you from the murder charges."
Athena: He's getting your murder charge overturned with just paperwork?!
Apollo: If only it were that easy...
Quote:
"Paperwork...?" Apollo repeated, before it dawned on him. "OH SHIT!"
"Apollo! Language!"
Apollo ran over to Phoenix's desk and read the first paper of the stack. Papers warranting the release of Apollo Justice.
Trucy: I guess this is what they call karma, Polly.
Apollo: ...why do I suddenly get the feeling that everyone expects to make a really obvious joke?
Quote:
Apollo gulped and met the confused stares of the two girls. "Well...I guess I'll be going to prison now..."
"No shit, Sherlock," Trucy huffed.
"See, Apollo?" Athena said condescendingly. "Now you've taught Trucy a bad word!"
"I'm going to be put on trial for MURDER and all you care about is whether Trucy swears or not?!"
"Yeah, I guess so," Athena admitted.
Trucy: Seems about right!
Apollo: Yeah, thanks.
Athena: Hey, it's not like being put on trial is that big a deal, right? Boss and I have done it before! Plenty of times!
Apollo: So what, is it a rite of passage or something?
Trucy: Does this mean that Polly isn't a man because he hasn't been accused of murder yet?
Apollo: That's harsh...
Quote:
"I hope Mr. Wright will defend you, even after you kicked his nuts and everything..."
"I still don't see how it's such a big deal..."
"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, JUSTICE!" The police force bellowed from outside.
"Aw, nuts," Apollo sighed.
Trucy: "Nuts" isn't even starting to look like a real word anymore.
Apollo: Does this mean you'll stop talking about them?
Athena: Fat chance, Apollo.
Apollo: (...nuts.)
Quote:
"Want one?" Trucy asked, reaching into Phoenix's bowl of nuts and offering him an almond.
"Ew, no! I just kicked those nuts! I'm not going to eat them!"
"More for me, then!"
All: ......................................................
Trucy: Oooooooooohhhhhhh. Okay. I guess that makes sense.
Athena: Didn't see that one coming! Did you, Apollo?
Apollo: I... are we almost done here?
Quote:
And so Apollo Justice was put on trial for murder. Phoenix refused to defend him, because Apollo ruined his expensive gourmet nuts. Apollo was found guilty and spent the rest of his life in jail.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance, beauty, and value of paperwork.
...Actually, screw that. Paperwork sucks.
Apollo: *puts head in hands, sighs*
Athena: See, and here I thought the whole thing was about you kicking-
Apollo: We know, Athena. We know.
Trucy: Even if you did kick Daddy's nuts, I'm sure he'd still defend you in court, Polly, if it makes you feel any better.
Apollo: I think I'll just stick to my "not getting arrested" strategy.
Athena: That doesn't actually work as well as you'd think...
[The lights come up and our sporkers stand up and stretch. Athena makes a run for the snackbar.]Apollo: Seriously? You didn't eat enough during the sporking?
Athena: Well, just watching that gave me this serious craving for... *walks back over to Apollo and Trucy* Cashews?
Trucy: I'll have some!
Apollo: ...you two have fun with that.
[And so another sporking ends. Tune in next time for God only knows.]