Maya: I still say it’s magenta.
Phoenix: Yeah, yeah… and my tie’s scarlet.
Edgeworth: Please, can we move on from the color wars? Thanks.
Prompt: Quote:
"Mr. Wright, how many friends of yours are prisoners on death row? Seriously this is the third person we've visited this week."
Maya: Oh, cool! We’re even getting the prompt with the fic!
Phoenix: “Cool” is not the word I’d go for, but at least it’s different…
Apollo: Is that supposed to be me saying that line? And why are we visiting people in prison in the span of a week?
Maya: Maybe ’cause you guys have nothing better to do?
Edgeworth: If that was the case, it’s curious why they don’t do it more often.
Phoenix: Looking for work is not that simple and you know it.
Fic: Quote:
Stick to the Balls
Guys: …
Maya: It’s a lot less disturbing if you picture baseball.
Phoenix: Thanks, Maya, but I don’t think it’s going to keep working later…
Apollo: Actually, I think it feels even worse if I do picture baseball…
Phoenix: Oof.
Edgeworth: *facepalm* Did you have to bring that up, Justice?
Apollo: Sorry, but it’s the first thing I thought of.
Maya: What’s wrong with you guys? All I think of is a bat striking a ball and… oh.
Quote:
"Mr. Wright, how many friends of yours are prisoners on death row? Seriously this is the third person we've visited this week."
Apollo: Huh? Oh, it’s just copied from the prompt.
Maya: Makes me wonder just how often this happens…
Speakers:
A lot, but not too commonly.Phoenix: Should we count that as a sin, Edgeworth?
Edgeworth: It’s just a restatement with further context, but… after that title, I think we should.
Speakers:
Wait, we have a sin counter? Oh, yeah, we do! *click*All: Seriously!?
Quote:
They were in the office bathroom. Apollo was brushing the toilet while Phoenix stood over him, looking on, ensuring that he did not miss a spot, when the younger man suddenly turned toward him.
Apollo: Okay, I know Mr. Wright is pretty picky about that stuff, but I don’t need to be supervised with toilet cleaning duty!
Phoenix: I always just check his results later, and if it’s clean enough, I let him go.
Maya: But what happens when it isn’t?
Phoenix: Then I tell him to get to it.
Maya: But what if he has a case just then?
Phoenix: Then I take the case and leave him to the toilet.
Apollo: What!? Oh, come on!
Phoenix: Agency policy, Apollo.
Quote:
"They're not all on death row, Apollo," Phoenix sighed. "Just Kristoph."
"Well, alright, Mr. Wright," Apollo said, sighing, continuing to scrape away at a particularly sticky stain.
Maya: Ew, what happened to the toilet?
Phoenix: Now that’s shameful. I would never let the seat get that dirty. Maybe it was a good idea to supervise him, after all…
Apollo: For your information, Mr. Wright, I wouldn’t let the seat get that dirty either.
Phoenix: Are you suggesting that Athena or Trucy would?
Apollo: No… in fact, that toilet’s about the shiniest thing in the office.
Phoenix: …… Just for that comment, Apollo, you’re getting toilet duty again.
Apollo: What!? What did I do!?
Edgeworth: Justice, take it from me when I say, “Never insult the state of your superior’s badge.”
Apollo: …I never meant it like that.
Phoenix: Then, I suggest you take better care with what you say in the future.
Apollo: *sigh* Yes, sir…
Quote:
"So, we met that one insane old guy who started crying when you told him my name, after which he started screaming 'Polly! Polly!' and was a total weirdo-"
"That was Yanni, Apollo."
Maya: Wow, Nick! I didn’t know you’d introduce Apollo as “Polly”!
Phoenix: I don’t.
Apollo: Because it’s insulting.
Phoenix: (Though that’s not my exact reason…) And when was I ever friends with Yanni Yogi? Sure, I felt bad for him, but we weren’t close at all.
Maya: Well, we did pretend to be his kids for a moment.
Phoenix: Yeah, and things got uncomfortable fast.
Apollo: …Do I want to know what happened?
Phoenix: Probably not.
Quote:
"And what did he do again?" Apollo sighed, wiping his brow with his clean hand.
Phoenix brushed his face, trying to summarize the convoluted events into an inoffensive sentence. "He killed a man who indirectly drove his wife into suicide." He suddenly paused, deciding that what he said was overly simplified and made Yanni's actions seem unjustifiable, but could not revise his sentence before Apollo started to speak.
Maya: Classic Nick, talking before he thinks.
Phoenix: Well, Maya, how would you put it in one sentence?
Maya: He killed a man in revenge, but turned out to be a puppet for an evil mastermind who started the mess that drove his girlfriend to suicide.
Apollo: …Ouch.
Maya: And that’s how you do it, Nick.
Phoenix: Hm, fair enough.
Quote:
"Right," Apollo shook his head. "Then there was that one quadriplegic who had all these birds flying around his head, and started crying when you mentioned that circus performer-"
"That was Acro. He's a good guy, Apollo."
"He's a murderer."
Maya: Aw, have a heart, Apollo!
Apollo: I think I’d be more concerned that he has birds flying around his head…
Phoenix: They’re his friends, you know.
Apollo: Yeah, but…
Edgeworth: Inmates are allowed to have animal companions as per a therapy program.
Apollo: …Okay, then. So what did he do?
Quote:
"Look," Phoenix nearly yelled, and then sighed. "He tried to kill a girl who indirectly caused his brother to be paralyzed by a tiger, but ended up killing her father instead."
"I have no idea what you just fucking said. But yeah. Proves my point," he smirked, returning to the task at hand.
Phoenix: Actually, it was a lion.
Apollo: Either way, that sounds like a terrible tragedy and I would not be so insensitive or foul-mouthed. End of story.
Maya: Well, Ficpollo seems to be too absorbed in his work anyway, so maybe he’s not bothering to check what’s coming out of his mouth.
Phoenix: Sounds like someone needs a little mouth soap. *smirk*
Apollo: …Mr. Wright, I really hope you’re not being literal about it.
Quote:
Phoenix gritted his teeth, sighing. "Not all murderers are bad people, Apollo. It's the first thing you have to understand if you're going to be a good defense attorney-"
Apollo interrupted him. "Says the guy who lost his badge for allegedly forging evidence, and then forged evidence seven years later to put the forger in jail."
Phoenix: …
Maya: Ouch. Low blow.
Apollo: Just for the record, Mr. Wright, I understand why you made me present that forged letter…
Phoenix: Technically, it was just a reproduction of what I had discovered. After all, I couldn’t have made it if it didn’t exist.
Apollo: Yeah, I know. It was important to show it and all… but it was still a forgery.
Phoenix: …Now you’re starting to sound like the kid in the movie.
Apollo: Please don’t put me on his level. I’m being completely level with you right now.
Phoenix: You don’t say? I’m not fond of pushing around my authority, but if it comes to it…
Apollo: N-no, no! You’re perfectly fine doing what you do, sir! Heheh… *gulp*
Quote:
Phoenix had half a mind to punch the little shitface. But he turned to look out the door to ensure that no one had heard that.
Apollo: I’m pretty sure everyone already heard about it anyway. The trial was a big deal.
Maya: It sure scared me when I first did. I couldn’t believe Nick would forge evidence…
Phoenix: Except I didn’t?
Maya: Oh, I don’t mean that. I mean just now when you and Apollo mentioned that you presented a forgery in court and got away with it. Second time too.
Apollo: Second time!?
Phoenix: No, no, it was the first! What are you saying, Maya?
Maya: Remember when you tried to bluff with a bottle that didn’t have the poison to trick The Tiger?
Phoenix: That wasn’t a forgery. I was just bluffing…
Apollo: …I see you had a bit of shady history even before the whole forgery scandal.
Phoenix: But it really was just an honest-to-goodness bluff!
Edgeworth: Of course it was, Wright. Every one of your bluffs are “honest to goodness”.
Phoenix: …I can feel the bite from that sarcasm, Edgeworth.
Edgeworth: Heh.
Quote:
"And there was that gray-haired dude we just saw with the large head of white hair, that huge-ass red visor, drinking that large cup of coffee, and he started crying blood and, like, having a period when you mentioned Maya and Pearl-"
Maya: Oh, come on! Godot is awesome! Kinda weird with his coffee metaphors and parables, but still awesome!
Apollo: I’ve only met him a couple times before in here, but he seems like the last guy who’d burst into tears.
Maya: It’s like he always says, “A lawyer only cries when it’s all over.”
Apollo: … (Maybe I shouldn’t bring up that moment with Trucy and Mr. Hat…)
Quote:
"That was Godot," Phoenix enunciated, ready to give Apollo his own fucking period now. "He killed a woman who indirectly was the girl who poisoned him over fourteen years ago-"
"What is it with all this fucking complicated indirect shit?" Apollo yelled, throwing the brush across the room. "It's like... it's like the only redeeming quality a male character needs is staging a complicated murder, and being a total goddamn pussy about it later!"
All: …
Phoenix: For shame, Apollo. Never throw the toilet brush across the room.
Apollo: I would never, Mr. Wright. And that’s definitely not sidestepping the obvious problem…
Phoenix: What problem? Murders are supposed to be indirect.
Edgeworth: No, they aren’t. Unfortunately, current trends do tell otherwise…
Phoenix: It’s like they’re all trying for something new every time.
Edgeworth: So that we have a fresh challenge on the job? Please, Wright.
Phoenix: You have to admit it’s a good point.
Edgeworth: I admit nothing.
Apollo: Hello? How about the bit where fic-me mentions “the only redeeming quality”?
Phoenix: Now, now. Don’t pay any attention to the worst sins. That’s just feeding the troll-fic.
Speakers:
What? But it’s your duty as sporkers to…Edgeworth: We still reserve the right to spork what we wish, so be quiet.
Speakers:
…*sigh*Quote:
"Shut up, Apollo-"
"Remember when I was a rookie attorney? Everybody loved me because I'd stuttered all the fucking time. Now I'm a fucking badass, and all the fangirls are probably bleeding in their fucking panties because I'm not cute or kind or someone a fucking WOMAN can relate to!"
Maya: Ew, tmi!
Edgeworth: If this attitude keeps up, blood might just be shed.
Phoenix: And it’s not looking likely that he’d be ready to be… red-deemed.
All: …
Edgeworth: I was so aggravated by that pun that I’m actually going to speak for Justice: “Shut up, Wright.”
Phoenix: *grin* Er… score?
Quote:
"Apollo, you are treading thin ice-"
"Even look at your fucking games! That von Karma guy, that Gant guy, and that Engarde guy... they were so fucking sweet! And your games just demonized them! Like, they had so much cock! And they shamelessly killed shit cause they were badasses-"
Maya: Wow, he got so mad he even broke the fourth wall. Do we count that as a sin?
Speakers:
I only count those sins when you guys do it.Phoenix: Speaking of that sin count, how many are we up to?
Speakers:
One.All: ONE!?
Edgeworth: What is wrong with you!? Do you not see anything sinful since we first started counting!?
Speakers:
I just said so. I only count them when you guys do!All: …
Maya: Now what are we supposed to use to keep track!?
Apollo: It’s no surprise, but the Management is completely useless.
Edgeworth: And they always find a way to be even less competent.
Phoenix: Worst of all, they do it on purpose and it’s not even funny.
Speakers:
Everyone, need I remind you that the Management is not the center of this sporking?All: You asked for it!
Quote:
"Apollo, you're one step away-"
"And Kristoph! Man, was he the fucking greatest guy ever! He wasn't a total girl like the rest of those menstruating jackasses-"
Apollo: OBJECTION! Of all the people you could have chosen to get any respect, author… you went with
him!?
Phoenix: …I have to wonder if the author really meant that, though. These kinds of fics are often written to draw controversy.
Apollo: I know I might be taking the bait here, but it’s just in terrible taste! I mean, yeah, I respected Mr. Gavin for what he taught me, but aside from that, we were never close. And it still annoys me that he basically took me in because he was so paranoid about everyone even remotely related to the forgery scandal…
Phoenix: Yeah, that’s Kristoph for you… but it was still because of him that I chose to hire you, you know.
Apollo: Even though you said you weren’t all that impressed by how I did?
Phoenix: Truth be told, I didn’t expect that much from you in the first place.
Apollo: …
Phoenix: But rest assured, you’ve definitely improved and I’m glad to have you aboard.
Apollo: Oh, uh, thanks…
Phoenix: *grin* After all, who else is best for toilet duty?
Apollo: *grumble* (Aaand, you just ruined it, Mr. Wright.)
Maya: Aww, now that’s a touching end to round that discussion!
Edgeworth: (Justice was right… he was taking the bait, but probably didn’t realize which bait he took.)
Quote:
Suddenly, a golden flash of light appeared. Apollo and Phoenix gasped, seeing black tied executives emerge from it, all cramming themselves against the walls of the small bathroom. They all seemed stuffy and arrogant, but intelligent, and somehow... really, really inappropriate.
All: What.
Phoenix: Suddenly, it’s gotten a lot more uncomfortable, and I don’t mean how cramped it looks.
Edgeworth: Management, surely you aren’t going to punish us for fourth-wall violations if the fic has come to this, yes?
Speakers:
Weeell… okay. But it’s only going to be a temporary ban until they leave.Maya: Whoo! I’ve been waiting to say this, but I can’t wait for Jump Festa this year!
Apollo: Aren’t we all? I’m wondering what the localization team will come up for the English title, though, since “Dual Destinies” is already taken…
Speakers:
…Aren’t you two just a bit pushing bounds?Maya: You said the ban was lifted.
Speakers:
Yeah, yeah. Don’t forget I’m watching the clock.Quote:
One of them picked up the brush Apollo had thrown and started combing his receding hairline with it, small shitstains appearing across his smooth head. Another executive, deciding that he had to poop really badly, sat on the half-cleaned, improperly bleached toilet and took a dump.
Phoenix: …What an affront to everything clean and decent.
Maya: Funny hearing that from you and your messy room.
Phoenix: It may be messy, but I’m at least very conscious about cleanliness!
Maya: And lining your pockets, I suppose.
Phoenix: …That’s just superstition anyway and is beside the point.
Maya: Ah, you’re only saying that now because your toilet hasn’t attracted many customers.
Phoenix: Regardless, it’s important to keep the bathroom clean in case anyone does come…
Quote:
The last of the executives emerged from the portal: a small, balding Japanese man. He walked over to the younger attorney, smiled, and punched him in the face, a golden ray of light emerging from the contact point.
Apollo: That isn’t who I think it is, is it?
Phoenix: If it’s not him, then I don’t know who he’d be.
Edgeworth: If you two are referring to Mr. Takumi, I think you’d be a bit off.
Maya: Yeah, the Mr. Takumi we know isn’t balding.
Apollo: Nor does he punch people in the face with a glowing fist.
Maya: Glowing? Are you sure the author meant that, or shooting beams?
Apollo: Does it matter?
Quote:
"Ahhhh!" Apollo screamed. "What the f-" Suddenly, he became calm and tranquilized, and no longer furrowed his brow angrily or spat out explicit words.
Maya: Hooray! Our mouth soap man has arrived!
All else: …
Phoenix: Really, Maya?
Maya: What? Everyone has to calm down and smile whenever Mr. Takumi’s around!
Phoenix: That’s not what you said earlier…
Maya: You know what I meant.
Quote:
"Wh-who are you?" stammered Phoenix, quietly, unable to comprehend this man's absolutely dignified, godlike power.
The man gave a peaceful, serene smile. "I am Shu Takumi," he said. "I am your creator."
"L-like... the god of law? You're the GOD OF LAW?!" gasped Phoenix.
Phoenix: …I liked fic-me better when he was more reasonable.
Edgeworth: I suppose this suggests that everyone who stands before Mr. Takumi is reduced to a miserable pile of stupidity?
Apollo: Apparently. Even angry fic-me drew a complete blank.
Maya: But at least that was an improvement.
Quote:
"No, idiot. You're a video game character. Not a real lawyer. Remember?"
"O-oh, yeah," he said, suddenly remembering that Apollo had broke the fourth wall just a moment ago.
Phoenix: Even if I am just a video game character, that doesn’t null the fact that I am still a lawyer, and a better one than most in real life.
Edgeworth: If anyone had the same amount of plot devices circling around them, they too would be legendary.
Phoenix: Don’t be like that, Edgeworth. You got your own games too.
Edgeworth: Unlike you, I already made a name for myself long before then.
Phoenix: Yeah… as the “Demon Prosecutor”.
Edgeworth: Moral dilemmas aside, it still sounds better than “Legendary Bluffer”.
Phoenix: I happen to like that name, thanks.
Quote:
He now stared at Apollo, who gazed at him with fear and incomprehension. "Wh-what did you do to me?"
Shu Takumi shook his head. "These men right here, these... buffoons," he coughed out, pointing to the black-suited guys, two of whom were fellatiating the plunger, three of whom were participating in a disco party under the cold shower while still wearing their suits, "this is the localization team."
Phoenix: Okay, I take back what I said earlier. THIS is the real affront to everything decent.
Maya: Well, I don’t see what’s wrong with three guys partying under a cold shower.
Phoenix: …Even if spirit mediums do train regularly under freezing waterfalls, I’ve never heard of any “partying” under a shower.
Maya: Well, I’d hope you wouldn’t! A woman alone in the bath deserves her privacy, you perv!
Phoenix: Hey, I didn’t mean it like that!
Edgeworth: …Not to be “that guy”, but “fellatio” cannot be used as a verb.
Apollo: I’m surprised you could say that without your voice cracking.
Edgeworth: *shrug* It’s just a word.
Quote:
"...And?"
"They fu- er, messed up your translation," he sighed. "They promoted a grossly misogynistic, perverted dialogue that broke the fourth wall, made you say bad words, allowed you to deviate terribly from canon, and made Phoenix want to punch a little shitface."
"Uhhhhhh... no I wasn't," Phoenix said, who still wanted to punch that little shitfaced attorney.
Phoenix: I’m pretty sure that’s just your work, author. (And neither of us would punch anyone.)
Apollo: And of course they’d make Mr. Takumi just as foul-mouthed as the people he’d be criticizing.
Maya: And Mr. Takumi would never complain about breaking the fourth wall. He does it all the time!
Phoenix: With you, at least. Most of his characters still respect the wall.
Maya: Imaginary walls are made to be broken, you know.
Phoenix: …Well, as we all say, “you break it, you fix it”.
Maya: What? I thought it was “you break it, you own it”!
Phoenix: That’s only in shops.
Quote:
"I know all," said Shu Takumi, filling his eyes with a god-like, magical aura. "Now, I will snap my fingers to liquidate this shitty - er, crappy localization team."
He snapped his fingers, and suddenly the localization team became liquidated. None of them remained in the room; Apollo and Phoenix had little idea that they had disappeared to a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad place: The Unemployment Line.
Edgeworth: Surely, author, you know that’s not how international department negotiations work. Shu Takumi is not in charge of anything that happens during the localization process.
Apollo: I’m still disturbed that’s how he liquidates them, rather than the obvious route that would spare the people running the “unemployment line”.
Maya: Is it me, or is that bit about the “horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad” thing a reference to a classic children’s story?
Phoenix: Sounds like it. It makes sense, considering the general age group of writers of these kinds of fics.
Maya: Ouch… aren’t most fanfic writers young adults already?
Edgeworth: Age means nothing if immaturity is constant.
Maya: Dang, Mr. Edgeworth, that’s deep…
Quote:
"That's all of them," Shu Takumi triumphantly quipped. He suddenly saw a piece of poop hanging in the air, in the toilet bowl; the fecal matter had not properly exited from the pooping executive's orifices. "Goddamn," he said, "the fecal matter has not properly exited from the pooping executive's orifices. Time to liquidate the game programmers."
Apollo: Wait, it was the programmers’ fault!?
Phoenix: Surely, a technical problem like that isn’t exclusive to the localization team.
Edgeworth: Are you referring to the cleanup of the “junk data” or the junk text within this paragraph?
Phoenix: Both.
Maya: Well, then maybe he ought to start liquidating the author?
Apollo: If only it were that easy…
Quote:
He turned to leave the room, before suddenly stopping. "Oh, that's right," he said, "I have to wipe your memories." He prepared to snap his fingers, before Apollo interjected.
"HOLD IT!" he screamed, while Shu Takumi became more angry, almost becoming a Super Saiyan, like Kristoph. "Sorry," he squealed.
"SAY WHAT YOU WILL OR YOU WILL BE LIQUIDATED TOO!"
All: …
Maya: Now he’s starting to scare me, Nick.
Phoenix: (Yeah, the image of Shu Takumi screaming like Kristoph is pretty terrifying in its own right…)
Apollo: I… I’m not sure what he means by it.
Edgeworth: I find it clear enough. He’s suggesting that we should say what we mean to say - that is, stay in character – and we won’t be “liquidated” like the rest of the failures.
Maya: Oh, in that case, there’s nothing to fear, right?
Phoenix: Not exactly…
Quote:
Wait, if he says what he will anyways say, Phoenix reasoned in his head, wouldn't that mean that he can't be liquidated no matter what? Suddenly, he stops thinking; now that the localization team is completely gone, he cannot form an independent thought of his own, for he is just a hollow video game character.
Phoenix: OBJECTION!
All else: …
Edgeworth: Not going to add anything to that objection, Wright?
Phoenix: I think it explains itself pretty well, but if you insist… Hey, author, who are
you to call me “hollow” after that joke with Kristoph Gavin?
Maya: Oooh! Burn!
Apollo: Heh. That actually felt pretty refreshing, Mr. Wright. Nice one.
Phoenix: What? You think I’d leave you hanging with that toilet duty gag all the time? Come on.
Quote:
"Well..." Apollo said, "You're Japanese, right? Well, how are you speaking English?"
Shu Takumi smiled at him, as though he were just a petty little mortal. "I localized my own fucking speech, bitch. Dare you question my ways?"
Phoenix: If anything, it sounds like he used the localization team’s efforts anyway, even though they’ve all been fired.
Edgeworth: He wouldn’t be able to find another right at that instant.
Maya: But he’s supposed to be the “Creator”, right? He can just create his own localization team with a snap of his fingers!
Phoenix: Well, if he decided to use that kind of language anyway, I don’t see the point of liquating the team earlier.
Apollo: I think the author was going for something there, but decided the whole fic was crud and settled with that as its theme.
Edgeworth: Succinctly put, Justice. I couldn’t agree more.
Quote:
For once, Apollo didn't have a proper response to that. Perhaps it was because he now stopped thinking, unable to form a thought of his own, now that the god no longer wrote his lines for him.
Apollo: Haha, yeah, right. Enough with the religious jokes. It was already bad enough with all the disgusting toilet humor.
Maya: In the fic or in our group?
Phoenix: …
Maya: Sorry, Nick, but someone had to say it.
Phoenix: Just you wait, Maya…
Quote:
Shu Takumi snapped his fingers and left in the same flash of golden light in which he had emerged. Apollo was back cleaning the toilet, trying desperately to brush away the giant piece of poop that hung in midair. Phoenix was inspecting his work.
Maya: And what goes around comes around.
Apollo: Like I said, the fic’s entire theme is around how terrible it is.
Phoenix: *sigh* And to think we started off this sporking with a joke about cleaning it up.
Edgeworth: Poetic, in a sense… Circular, in another.
Speakers:
Heh heh… you guys are acting like the sporking’s coming to an end.Apollo: But this fic is ending soon, right?
Speakers:
This fic… yes, I suppose.Quote:
"Mr. Wright," Apollo asked, "how many friends of yours are prisoners on death row? Seriously this is the third person we've visited this week."
All: …
Maya: You know, I think we ought to sin this thing so much more just for seeing the same line over and over again, even though it was used properly.
Edgeworth: And every time, it was missing that necessary comma after “seriously”.
Speakers:
Geez, FINALLY! I was wondering when someone would bring it up.Edgeworth: Well, aren’t you a satisfied pooch?
Speakers:
…Now that just sounds creepy coming from you.Quote:
"Er, well..."
Suddenly, Apollo stood up and punched Phoenix in the face.
"Gahhhhh!" screamed Phoenix. "What was that for!"
"That was canon," sighed Apollo, before returning to his work, saddened that he was unable to go on his misogynistic tirade any more.
Apollo: It was canon, but it also made sense in its original context.
Phoenix: How typical… after all that shouting and arguing, I’m still the one that gets hit in the face at the end.
Maya: And Pearly isn’t even here! How lucky of you, Nick!
Phoenix: …There wasn’t even anything related to romance here. Why would Pearls try to slap me?
Maya: Well, someone’s gotta do it somehow. It’s basically tradition.
Speakers:
Ooh! I volunteer to shock him at the end of this sporking!Phoenix: What!? I’m not even the subject of today’s dog pile!
Edgeworth: You usually aren’t, Wright. You’re just a magnet for trouble.
Phoenix: *sigh*…