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Yeah, that's right. I have a Halloween piece this year...just like last year (ugh, I'm bad at this). Except this one is not chaptered and it's most definitely not pairing-centric or anything like that.
Kay: So, the author's note?
Edgeworth: "Not pairing-centric" is definitely a good sign.
Phoenix: And so is "not chaptered".
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How many of you have heard the ghost story about the porcelain doll? Some know it as a china doll, some heard the story differently. I've never known any ghost stories, though someone told me this one today and I actually quite liked it, so I decided to give it a Phoenix Wright twist. I don't know where the story originally came from, so I'm sorry if it's not public domain? No copyright infringement intended!
Trucy: Porcelain doll ghost?
Phoenix: Those things are creepy enough on their own...
Maya: Hmm... I know about a ghost story about the
Okiku doll.
Kay: I think the doll in this story is going to be doing something a little more scary than just growing hair.
Maya: A doll growing hair is totally scary!
Edgeworth: Plus the Management already said that this fic is not actually scary.
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The Porcelain Doll
As a famous prosecutor and a finely-fashioned man, it was not uncommon for a one Miles Edgeworth to be 'treated' to a fair share of gifts, mostly sent anonymously.
Phoenix: Sure, if "anonymously" is spelled W-E-N-D-Y O-L-D-B-A-G.
Edgeworth: Shut up, Wright. Anyway, it appears as though I'm the main character of this fic.
Kay: Which means something bad is probably gonna happen to you.
Trucy: Or maybe it'll be more like Scooby Doo and he just has to solve the mystery of the haunted doll?
Maya: What mystery? It's haunted. That's the answer.
Trucy: Maybe it isn't really haunted and it's just some kind of elaborate scheme.
Kay: Or maybe Mr. Edgeworth has to solve the ghost's murder so that it can rest in peace!
Maya: Oh yeah, that makes sense!
Edgeworth: ...well, we'll see where this goes.
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As a busy man, he rarely ever glanced at the cards that read silly things like, "I'm your #1 fan!" and "PLZ MARRY ME", though sometimes displayed the gifts if something about them caught his eye.
Phoenix: Like that giant Steel Samurai figurine?
Edgeworth: No comment.
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On one particular day, Miles was awoken by a large banging on his front door. After he grouchily clambered out of bed, throwing on his housecoat and slinking down the stairs, he went to open the door to yell at the fool who he thought would break a hole through the door. However, when he swung the door open there was no one there.
Maya: Those UPS guys move
fast.
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Puzzled, he scanned the area around him, even took a step outside to get a better look at his front yard. There was not a soul there. As he went to step back inside, his foot lightly tapped a small package on his step.
Kay: You'd think he would notice a package on his doorstep in the first place.
Trucy: Especially if it was big enough to hold a doll.
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Raising an eyebrow, he scooped up the little box and closed the door behind him.
As Miles stepped back upstairs to his bedroom, he examined the brown paper package—there was no address on it but his own.
Edgeworth: That's suspicious enough that I wouldn't open it.
Phoenix: *cough*Paranoid*cough*
Kay: Hey, successful prosecutors can attract a lot of negative attention!
Edgeworth: Of course, I suppose you wouldn't know anything about success, so...
Phoenix: Hey!
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As he sat himself back onto his bed, he began to pick at a small flap in the corner, beginning the peeling of the paper. He tore it off, opened the box, and sat silently as he stared in his lap at a porcelain doll. Much like the materials she was constructed with, her facial features were delicate, her lacy dress woven entirely with intricate details. He would not put it past him that she was a very beautiful doll…
Trucy: "He would not put it past him that she was a very beautiful doll…"? What kind of phrasing is that?
Maya: It's the first weird phrasing in the fic, isn't it?
Phoenix: I take it this is the titular doll.
Kay: Alright, the ghost has been introduced!
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But Mr. Edgeworth had no use for a doll.
Maya: But what about-
Edgeworth: Figurines are not dolls.
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He rubbed his tired eyes, stealing a look at the clock.
Kay: Hey, stealing's
my thing, Mr. Edgeworth!
Edgeworth: It's just a figure of speech.
Kay: It's
my figure of speech!
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It was early morning, and about time he woke up anyway. Taking the doll carefully out of the box, he set it gently on his dresser as he went to get himself dressed for the day.
Trucy: With the doll watching him.
Phoenix: Creepy...
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And Miles Edgeworth's days went on as usual, every morning he awoke to the doll sitting on his dresser, smiling as she watched him sleep at night.
Edgeworth: If I have no use for the doll, why am I keeping it?
Maya: Yeah, it looks like a really nice doll. Probably antique. You could sell it.
Trucy: Maybe he just hasn't gotten around to selling it yet. Or no one's bidding on it on eBay.
Kay: He could get Gummy to up-bid it a few times...
Phoenix: Am I the only one who noticed that the doll is
watching him sleep?Quote:
And as the days and weeks pushed on, he also accumulated more publicity, and with more publicity and fame came more odd trinkets that were delivered to him. Eventually, he found he had to either dispose of or move some things in order to gain back some personal space.
Maya: Wow, when did you become such a packrat, Edgeworth?
Edgeworth: I'm more worried about what exactly happened for me to acquire more fans...
Phoenix: Maybe Oldbag's just stepping up her game.
Edgeworth: Wright, please.
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He rolled up his sleeves and, venturing around the house with a giant box, he threw in teddy bears, watches, books, figurines and all sorts of other knick knacks and took them down the stairs and stuffed them into the cupboard.
Kay: Or... you could sell them...
Edgeworth: If I wanted to remove clutter, why am I just moving the things to another place in my house? That's just relocating the clutter.
Trucy: I dunno. Daddy always shoves junk into storage and it makes the office a little less cluttered.
Edgeworth: ...again, that's not removing the clutter, just relocating it. Although I suppose that does explain a lot about your court records, Wright.
Phoenix: What?
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While he was done, he unrolled his sleeves and headed back upstairs to change out. As he was approaching the dresser, he noticed the doll still sitting there and he stared at her some more. By now, he could barely remember when he had received her and never did he know where she had come from, but it was about time that he figured that she, too, should be stored away. He gently lifted her up and carried her down the stairs to the cupboard where he set her on top of the other things he had picked up. Before he closed and locked the cupboard door, he looked back down at her face to see that, despite sitting in the dark cupboard, her porcelain face still had an odd shine to it. He was almost tempted to bring her back out and set her somewhere in his house more deserving, but when he heard his phone ring, he simply slammed the door shut and thought nothing more of her.
Kay: That's surprisingly heartless, Mr. Edgeworth.
Edgeworth: It's a doll.
Maya: One with a glow-in-the-dark face! ...Almond Joy?
Edgeworth: I can't eat with these plastic teeth in.
Trucy: I'll take it!
Phoenix: (How the heck is she eating those without taking off the face mask?)
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Later that night after Miles had climbed into bed, through the quiet of his house and in his half-sleep, he heard what it sounded like the faint voice of a little lady talking to him.
"….I'm coming up the first step…"
Phoenix: Huh, looks like Oldbag is here after all.
Edgeworth: Impossible. The Management said that this fic is not scary.
Speakers:
It's nice to know that we have your trust again.Phoenix: "Trust"?
Edgeworth: "Again"?
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He opened his eyes and sat upright. He raised his eyebrow as he looked around his room, looked at the window by his bed, and shook his head. He could have sworn he heard someone, but perhaps he was wrong? No, he was being stupid from all of the heavy casework he was busy dealing with lately, and so Miles Edgeworth lay back down and fell asleep.
Edgeworth: ...I would at least go downstairs and look.
Trucy: Do you usually have to worry about people breaking into your house?
Phoenix: Of course he does, he's too rich for his own good.
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However, the next night when he curled up inside his bed, and sleep was just about to overcome him, he heard it again.
"…I'm coming up the second step…"
Kay: Man, that is one slow doll.
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This time Miles leapt out of his bed and took a search of his house. No one was in the closet, no one was at the window, no one at the doors, hiding in any of his rooms—no where. Finally pegging it on someone who was just causing trouble outside, he lay back down and fell asleep again.
Edgeworth: Ah, finally I do something reasonable.
Speakers:
Like dressing up as yourself for Halloween.Edgeworth:
Vampire. I'm a vampire.
Phoenix: You didn't even change clothes.
Maya: Although I can totally buy a vampire dressing like that.
Trucy: How come vampires never try to keep up with modern fashion trends?
Kay: They don't?
Trucy: Don't they always dress old-fashionedly?
Edgeworth: ...I meant more along the lines that if I were a vampire, I wouldn't dress any differently than I would if I were a human.
Phoenix: Except you already dress like a vampire.
Edgeworth: Also, vampires aren't real anyway.
Maya: Says you.
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However, it was inevitable that one night, Miles lay down to sleep without any trouble, and was soundly sleeping, ready for the big trial tomorrow when the icy voice, much more audible now, awoke him again.
"I'mmm heeerrrreeeee…"
Trucy: So does the staircase in your house only have three steps?
Kay: Nah, an unspecified amount of time passed.
Maya: Shouldn't the author have tried to build some suspense?
Phoenix: Wouldn't that have gotten boring and repetitive?
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It did not take anyone long to figure out that something must have had happened to Mr. Edgeworth the next day, seeing as how he never showed up for the trial.
Edgeworth: ...well. I suppose it wasn't a fic where I solved the ghost's murder after all.
Kay: Bummer.
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As was expected, Detective Gumshoe was the first on the case, claiming he'd never sleep until Edgeworth was found. Tracing back to Miles' house, the bulky detective silently apologized as he tore down the door with his might, a flood of police rushing into the house.
Edgeworth: He could... knock first...
Phoenix: Yeah, but you're probably dead, so it's not like you'd come to the door.
Edgeworth: I realize that, but he could make relatively sure I wasn't still in a state where I could open the door myself first.
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They stopped short after they burst in to find Miles Edgeworth, cold, limp, and body strewn across the stairs of his home, the little porcelain doll sitting happily by his side.
Trucy: So...
Kay: So Mr. Edgeworth's dead.
Trucy: Is that fake crime scene supposed to be him?
Phoenix: If it was, wouldn't it have the little porcelain doll sitting next to the outline?
Speakers:
What do you mean, "wouldn't it"? Does it not?Edgeworth: No.
Speakers:
...Maya: Wait, does this mean that-
Speakers:
We're sure it's fine.Quote:
The media exploded. Tears were shed, accusations thrown about, and the police were baffled. Autopsies had shown nothing and forensics went insane not being able to trace a single thing to have caused his death.
Edgeworth: Actually, there is an existing "disease" called Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome or Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome.
Phoenix: Let me guess: the symptoms are randomly dying, and that's about it.
Edgeworth: Yes.
Maya: That's actually pretty scary.
Edgeworth: Also, an autopsy will reveal no apparent cause of death if you die from a severe seizure or asthma attack. If you don't have a history of either, then-
Trucy: Wait, it can happen to
anyone?!Edgeworth: ...it's not terribly common.
Kay: You're not making us feel any better.
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Eventually the case was put away as "unsolved"
Trucy: Wouldn't it be listed as natural causes?
Maya: Yeah, you'd think that the lack of a real cause of death wouldn't be considered a sign of foul play...
Edgeworth: It wouldn't.
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and the world began to know the Prosecutor, Miles Edgeworth's death as him simply tripping and falling over a little end table by the stairs…despite the end table actually being nearly five feet away from where he could have logically tripped and fell to his death.
Phoenix: I dunno, if I tripped over something I could easily end up five feet away by the time I fell.
Kay: Yeah, but how do you trip over an
end table?Edgeworth: Moreover, if I had died because I fell down the stairs, the autopsy would have revealed, say, a broken neck, or a concussion. In theory, the autopsy would have revealed if I had died before or after I fell down the stairs, too - I'm assuming before.
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Phoenix attended the funeral, as did what it seemed like hundreds of other people.
Trucy: Wow, you're popular!
Phoenix: I dunno if attendees at a funeral is the best way to measure popularity, Trucy...
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Detective Gumshoe, the big man fighting back tears, put on a small show where he took the last thing that they saw near Edgeworth, the little porcelain doll, and laid it down carefully beside Edgeworth's body in the casket.
Edgeworth: What?
Maya: I guess he assumed that you really liked it, since you died with it and all.
Edgeworth: Detective Gumshoe knows me better than that.
Kay: Yeah, he'd leave some Steel Samurai merch-
Edgeworth: Kay, no.
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Everyone cried, and everyone said things like, "It's terrible for this to have happened…" and, "this is why stairs should never exist!".
Trucy: How else are you going to get to the upper floors, then?
Maya: Ladders?
Kay: Scaling the side of the building?
Phoenix: Elevators?
Edgeworth: ...
Phoenix: (Oops.)
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Phoenix, stone-faced, listened carefully to everything that was happening around him, but at the same time something in his head itched. Something was not right.
Phoenix: I'd figured out that I was in a bad fanfiction.
Maya: It's not actually that bad.
Phoenix: Fine, I was in a horror fanfiction that wasn't actually scary.
Trucy: That means you can take the actual logical step for a horror protagonist now, right?
Kay: Who you gonna call?!
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The thoughts Phoenix had at the funeral disturbed him so much that the next day, he tracked down Detective Gumshoe and demanded to be shown the autopsy report, and any other notes and photographs that were taken at the scene. Phoenix knew just as well as anyone that something just did not add up about this mysterious event. No marks were found on the body, nothing was found inside the body to have caused poisoning, there was nothing. But there was that doll. Perhaps it was a calling card?
Edgeworth: Even the most skilled assassins can't kill someone without a trace.
Maya: What about an untraceable poison? Tons of animé and manga have them!
Edgeworth: ...animé and manga, Maya, not real life.
Maya: I don't see a difference.
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Upon delivering this idea to the police, they laughed at him. Edgeworth had had that stupid thing for almost a year.
Trucy: And it climbed a step every night?
Kay: How long
is that staircase?
Phoenix: ...I though some time passed between when he first got and when it started going up the steps.
Trucy: Oh yeah.
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After much fighting for it, Phoenix finally managed to gain permission to have the body dug out and re-examined, as well as take another good look at the doll.
Much to the party's horror, when uncovered, they discovered a horror-stricken look upon Miles Edgeworth's face, as well as the little porcelain doll, arms strangling his neck.
Maya: Woah! Does that mean he was still alive when they buried him?
Edgeworth: There was a funeral, which means I was embalmed. If I wasn't dead when they started embalming me, I certainly was by the time they finished.
Phoenix: That's... kind of a morbid comment.
Edgeworth: I died in the fic. I'm perfectly allowed to make morbid comments.
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Phoenix went home that night, gears turning in his head; this case was getting weirder and weirder as he thought about it. Hell-bent on getting everything figured out and have Miles Edgeworth's name finally put to peaceful rest, he climbed into bed and planned his next course of action for the next day. He lay there, almost asleep and listening to the wind and the scraping of the tree branches against the windows, still thinking about his departed friend.
And then his eyes went wide as he heard the strangest, faint little lady's voice at the foot of his bed.
"I'mmm heeerrreeeee…"
Phoenix: Aaaaagh! The Oldbag is coming for me, too!
Edgeworth: You can keep her.