I suppose it's time I made one of these... enjoy!

Title: The New Guy
Author: GodotFan23
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Comedy/Origin
Status: Ongoing. It'll be like a pointless book.
Summary: Noah moves into his office for the first time and almost drives Edgeworth insane.

The New Guy
Chapter One

Noah von Karma stood outside the building with only a box and a dream. The box was filled with office supplies, the dream to be a prosecutor. He entered the prosecutor's building and asked the receptionist where his office would be. The receptionist told him and Noah headed up there. There were many people bustling about the offices, going in and out, carrying and dropping papers, but Noah just kept on moving and eventually found his office. "Wow..." He said to himself. "This sure is high up... I wonder what it'd be like to fall out of this window..." He started getting things ready, putting his laptop on the table and putting up inspirational posters with wind surfers on them. "So, they finally found a use for this office." Someone said from behind him.

In the doorway lurked the prosecutor we've all come to know and love... Payne. No, just kidding. It's Edgeworth. "Oh, hey. You're that guy from the interview." Noah said, trying to remember back last month. "Yes," Miles said. "Miles Edgeworth. I'm sure you've heard of me." Noah glanced around some. "...No, doesn't ring any bells. ...Nice Cravat." Edgey glanced down at his cravat. "Ahem, yes, well," He said, "Is there anything you might need? I'm glad to help a fellow prosecutor get to his feet." There was a pause as Noah thought about this. "Well," He said after a pause, "My stapler's on the fritz. Could I borrow yours?"
"I believe 'on the fritz' only applies to electric appliances such as-"
"Yeah, yeah, sure. Can I borrow it or not?"
Miles looked at him sternly, then went into his office, grabbed his stapler and tossed it to him. "Anyway," Edgeworth said, "on this floor, there are ten prosecutors: Winston Payne, Jonathan Eshter, Neil Marshal, Jessica Quire, William Kennedy Jr., Ryan Farsic, Liz Paramount, Frederick Green, and the two of us. Most of us have paralegals, and we have to supply our own pens and things. There's a bathroom down the hall and a drinking fountain near it. Got that?"
"Sure, sure. Thanks."
"By the way," Edgeworth said, "I never got your name."
"It's Noah," He said, putting his hand out. "Noah von Karma."
Edgeworth suddenly seemed very shocked. "...What?"
"I SAID MY NAME IS-"
"Yes, yes, I know, but you're a von Karma? Why did I never see you in Germany with Franziska?"
"Well, I was raised here in America, Montana to be exact, but every year once a year my family and I would go up there to visit."
"Then why did I never meet you?"
"You must not have been there on those days. Go figure. Well, it was good to meet you!"
"Right..." And with that, Edgeworth walked back to the office. This was going to be a long career.

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Last edited by Joebucks on Sun Aug 19, 2007 5:22 pm, edited 5 times in total.

I thought it was great please do more!

And BTW when does it take place?

You did a nice job, Joe. Hardly long enough to constitute a chapter, but it's amusing none-the-less. I'll check back.

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Its pretty enjoyable so far. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

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Last edited by Thorn on Tue Jul 31, 2007 6:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is a little half-assed and... not very funny at all. XD

Couldn't resist. Really though, work on the length. Not bad.

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Thanks!! I'm glad you like it! Heh, I pheel like I have a phan. Not a phanGIRL, mid you. Just a phan.


Well, I guess I deserved that. XD


It's around... oh, three and a half years before SL-9.


Yeah, you're probably right. OK, I'll work on that. But, I didn't have much time to write because I started it late at night and ended it prematurely due to lunch. So I'll try to write at better times from now on. ...Like right now! I already have another chapter I'm thinking about in my head! With the zombies that be dyin' (1000 points to anyone who gets that reference)

Also, I must tell you... the chapters'll still be pretty short, but I'll try to get them longer when I have even more time on my hands.

The New Guy
Chapter 2

Noah, now getting adjusted to the place sat in his office playing Minesweeper when he got a call. "Hm.. wonder who that could be." He picked up the phone and placed it to his ear. "This is Noah."
"Noah?" Said the voice from the other end. "It's Lana. Look, I'll give it to you straight: There's a case no one will take, murder one. The suspect is a wealthy businessman, Gill Bates, and the victim is his rival company's CEO, Jeeve Stobs."
"Murder one?" Noah said, sitting up. "Wow, I'll get paid either way!"
"Noah, you're a prosecutor. You'd get paid either way... either way."
Noah thought about this, looking at his Tangerine Orange oBook computer. "OK." Noah said after a pause. "I'll do it for my oPod, my oPhone, and my oBook."
"Uh... sure." There was some noise on the other end.
"IS THAT EDGEWORTH?" A voice on the other end said. "LANA, LET ME TALK TO EDGEWORTH!"
"It's NOT Edgeworth!" Lana shouted to the voice. "Look," She said, going back to Noah. "I'll tell the Chief you accepted the case. As for me, I have a monkey to get off my back with the same last name as me."
"OK, thanks Detective Lana!" Now, if you'll remember, she's not chief prosecutor yet. I'm good at this timeline stuff, aren't I?

Edgeworth sat at his desk, looking over a court record for a case he was going to prosecute, State v Reynolds. The way Edgeworth saw it, though, was Edgeworth v Grossburg. All the defendant ever did was sit around and be scared. Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. He went and opened it, instantly hearing "GUESS WHAT MILES?"
Edgeworth shook a little bit. "Noah. It's you. Uh... what?"
"I got a case! I got a case! I GOT A CASE!!!!"
Edgeworth saw the stares coming from everyone. There was a long pause.
"Good for you, loser!" came a yell from prosecutor Payne's office.
"...Noah, please come into my office." They entered the office, books stacked high to the ceiling and a computer playing a Steel Samurai screensaver. Noah, starting to look tense, sat down on the couch. "What's wrong, Noah? You got all tense."
"It's just... when a guy wearing a light purple suit and a cravat invites you into his office-"
"Oh my... would everyone STOP coming to that conclusion? ...Look, I just gotta tell you something. You don't want to act up like that anymore. Payne started making fun of you, and when Payne is making fun of you... well, your peers are really going to respect you less."
Noah sighed. "Fine, I won't act up. But the minute I start winning cases I'm going to be the one giving friendly advice to the new guy!"
"...Just get out of my office." Edgeworth rubbed his temple.

So, the day of the case came and went, Noah won, and he returned to the office. "Wow," He thought to himself. "I never thought it'd be that... easy! It took thirty minutes!"
"Who were you up against? Probably just some half-rate-"
"I think it was... F. Lee Bailey or something."
This is the part I just can't describe with words. I'll put it this way: you know the expression Edgeworth gets when he's surprised? It's that, multiplied by twelve.
"No, wait..." Noah recalled. "Yeah, actually it was a rookie."
"My god, you scared me half to death!" Edgeworth violently said.
"Well, I uh... I don't exactly have the best memory. Quite horrible, actually."
"I see." Edgeworth said. "Well, whenever you finish a case you can't accept another for a week. What'll you be doing?"
"Well, I'm not sure. Maybe I'll... gah!"
"What's wrong? Are you ok?" Said Edgeworth, showing a rare thread of sympathy.
"Mm... yeah, I'm fine. All that talking got me really thirsty." Noah said horsely.
"Hm... well, I have some grounded up coffee in my office I never use. Would you like some of that?"
"Uh... sure, thanks." He walked into the office where Edgeworth made the coffee on a setting of his tea maker. When it was finished, Noah took a sip. Folks, what you are now reading about is the exact moment Noah became the coffee addict you know today. His eyes widened, his hands clenched the coffee harder. He began to look down at the coffee.
"...Noah? Noah are you-"
"Edgeworth why have you been hiding this from me my whole life? This is the greatest thing I've ever had!!!! Do you have a coffee machine or something I can use to make it?"
Miles was suddenly reminded of a kid's book dialogue: 'If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll want some milk to go with it.' Only replace 'Mouse' with 'Prosecutor,' 'Cookie' with 'Coffee,' and 'Milk' with 'Other things to make coffee.'
Edgeworth sighed. He had created a monster.

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Gates Bill?

*slaps with fish*

I love this so far. A bit short, nevertheless good.

...It was Gill Bates.

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In your heeaad, in your heeeeeeeeaaaaaaaad!
Zombie! Zombie! Zombie-eh bie-eh bie-eh!
[/Dolores O'Riordan]

Well, let's see what Joe wrote this time...

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That had me laughing out loud. I should become your fangirl.

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Wow! A fangirl? ...Sure! I don't see why not!

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Hmm, pretty funny. ^_^ You could've used a little more comedic emphasis on your coffee encounter, but otherwise it's not bad. Your court cases, sooner or later, are going to require a little more description.
Keep it up. *Nods approvingly*

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Nu-uhh

*looks around*

Anyway Chapter 2 was good keep it up.
I'll check it out every once in awhile.

LOL GILL BATES
LOL JEEVE STOBS
this is awesome.

I'm gonna keep an eye on this thread ^__^

Not bad at all, Joe! I especially like the way you, the narrator, directly address the reader with humourous lines such as "This is the part I just can't describe with words. I'll put it this way: you know the expression Edgeworth gets when he's surprised? It's that, multiplied by twelve." XD

I have to say, though... This bit right here?

I laughed so hard that I almost choked on my breakfast!!

You have my attention. Can't wait for Chapter Three!

The New Guy
Chapter three

Edgeworth grimaced at the sight that lay before him. It may have been the most gruesome thing he had ever seen in his career. In fact, it may have been the most horrible, grotesque thing he had ever seen in his entire life. It was almost as bad as seeing his father die. ...Which technically he didn't because he passed out. Still. Well, he had seen the picture... I'm getting off topic. Anyway, this could have been the worst things he has ever seen... Noah's redecorated office. "Noah," Edgeworth said, "What the hell have you done here?" There were posters up of coffee beans and coffee store logos. The walls were painted a color the same as a cup of coffee with cream in it. There were four coffee machines, all humming away making coffee. His old swivel chair was replaced by a maroon Relaxinator chair with three cup holders in it. There was a wall with dispensable coffee beans in it in containers that looked like those that contain candy you buy in bulk. Beside that was a row of mugs hanging on hooks by their handles. This was probably the biggest shrine to anything as insignificant as a cup of coffee he had ever seen. "What have you done to this office?"
"Same thing you did." Noah said slyly. "I found something to idolize and made it the theme for my office."
"I did not do that!" Edgeworth yelled in a rare loss of composure.
Noah looked towards him. "Oh really now?" He then started humming the Steel Samurai theme.
"...Touche." Said Edgeworth, looking back at his own office.
"Oh, so now you want to swordfight to settle this?"
Edgeworth looked sharply at Noah.
"Oh, for Christ's sake, Miles, I'm obviously joking." He went back to his computer. "Now, if you'll excuse me I need to get back to this case file." Noah said, in a vain attempt to cover up the fact that he was playing Planet of Paladincraft. Miles, who didn't want to dive into this any deeper than he already had, decided to just go. This was one fight he just couldn't win.

Later at lunch, Edgeworth noticed Noah wasn't there. He could have gone out, but he always ate lunch in the break room. This was not good. As has already been established, if Noah wasn't around to bug Miles something had to be wrong. However, he didn't worry about it too much and just continued eating. Once he was finished up, he had to go to his office to get some files. Once he got there... you can guess what he saw.
"Case DK-64, Defendant Paul Stanton the Second, Victim Ned E. Stanton, Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth, Defense Frederick Jason." Noah said, reading aloud from a case file.
"Hey, what are you doing in my office?" Edgeworth asked.
Noah looked up. "Oh, I was just looking at these case files. Heh, I just realized the puns in some of these people's names."
Edgeworth looked angrily at Noah. "Do you even care about privacy? What if I went in to your office and started drinking your coffee?"
"I'd be shocked and amazed that you're drinking coffee and not tea."
"Look, just get out. You're trying my patience."
"Aw... can't I just read one more?"
"OUT!!!" And with that Noah was gone. Miles looked at the one that Noah would have read next had he stayed: DL-6. He only kept that there for times when he wanted to recall parts of what happened, so it was looked at very rarely. He opened it up and looked at the file. "...What? Page five is out of place... I know Terri isn't the kind of person to look at this... Noah must have looked at them out of order!"

"Earthquakes!" Noah said while typing at a computer. "I cannot believe he stays in California and he's scared of earthquakes!" Noah, who still wasn't allowed to take another case yet, was on a sounds of nature website, BecomeRelaxed.com. He turned the volume up to full and clicked go. There was a loud rumble coming from the speakers. A scream came from the room beside Noah's and the sound died down. Noah ran to the office to see Edgeworth curled up in a shivering heap in the corner. Noah stood there and took in this moment, seeing calm, collected Miles Edgeworth like this and then burst out laughing.
"...W... What? Noah? THAT WAS YOU?" Edgeworth stood up, still shivering a bit.
Noah, wiping tears from his eyes, replied "DAMN RIGHT IT WAS! Oh my god, that was PRECIOUS!"
"Way to take advantage of childhood trauma, Noah"
"Well, you shouldn't have had that file out where anyone could see it! Sorry about your dad, by the way."
Remember that blood in case 1-5? This is where it was really made. Miles punched Noah in the chin.




If I had a picture of it it'd be right here.

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Nicely done, but you're being so mean to Miles! T_T Funny, nonetheless.

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I'm not being mean. I'm just teasing him, along with a large helping of oblivious and a teaspoon of stupid.

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*rolls on floor laughing*

Review... later... when... I.. can... feell... my... ribs... Hahahahahahahahahaha...

OK guys, it's been a while but I'm BACK AT IT!!!

The New Guy
Chapter 4

"Noah, I believe you have something of mine." Edgeworth said.
Noah looked up from the troll he was trying to kill. "What?"
"My stapler."
"Noah, this is another chance to get him!" He thought. "What about it?"
"I believe you have it."
"Have what?"
Edgeworth sighed.
"I believe you have my sta...pler...."
"AHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! My god, you're so easy to fool!"
Edgeworth grumbled. "Would you just give me the damned stapler?"
"Alright, alright, jeez, no need for a potty mouth."
"...Thanks. By the way, have you taken a new case yet?"
"Yeah-huh." Noah said, going back to his computer.
"...What is it?"
"I dunno. Some guy... uh... think it's... Smitty Worsenhimermichimerson. And the victim's... uh... Jim-Jam Jimberam."
Edgeworth looked at Noah, realizing he had no idea what he was doing in the case. He noticed a file on his desk and picked it up to read it. In the exact handwriting of the chief prosecutor it said:
Defendant: Smitty Worsenhimermichimerson
Victim: Jim-Jam Jimberam
Edgeworth blinked at this. The defendant's name alone took up most of the page.
"Told you" Noah said, who somehow was on an internet file for the case.
Edgeworth threw down the file and just let Noah do the rest.

The next day, Noah went to his office early to look at some more things involving the case when he saw a scruffy-looking man standing outside his door. He wore a detective-style coat on and a cowlick the size of Utah. "Um... excuse me, sir? Are you lost?" He asked the man.
"No way, pal!" The man said in a deep voice. "I'm waiting for prosecutor Noah von Karma!"
"That would be me. May I help you with something?"
"...OH! Mr. von Karma, it's you! Good to meet you, I'm Detective Dick Gumshoe, pal!" He shook Noah's havd violently.
"Hm... is that so... because those all sound like slang names for Detective or Private Eye."
"Really? ...Huh. I never realized that, but you're right!"
"Well, pleased to meet you, detective, but, like I've asked, do you need something?"
"Oh! Right! New information on the case!"
Noah paused. Was THIS his information retrieval system? He figured it would be more like a cop pulling up in an armored van with a ton of guards, but it was just some guy he'd never seen in his life! "Well... OK, come into my office."
Gumshoe walked in and looked around at Noah's office, stunned at the decor. "Wow... this is your office? I expected something more... German."
Noah sat at his chair and turned towards him. "Now why do you say that? Is it because of my whip-happy cousin or my royal jerk uncle?"
"Uh... yeah. Anyway, back to the case. Now, I took the liberty of drawing up a map."
"You drew a map? You have a lot of free time on your hands, don't you?"
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Anyway, the murderer was found standing over the body while the victim was slumped against a dresser. They were near a set of tools so... hey! Mr. von Karma, are you paying attention?"
Noah was playing Tetris DS. "Hm? O-oh yes, I'm listening. The tools were there."
"Yes, and he used the size 5 wrench to attack."
"Sounds like an open-and-shut case to me."
"Don't be too sure, pal. You're going up against Mia Fey. Let me tell you this much: she is GOOD!"
"Uh-huh. I'll keep that in mind yellow z shaped block."
"What did you just-"
"Nothing! Nothing! I got it!"
"sigh... For your sake, I hope you do, pal." And with that, Gumshoe left the office.

A while later, when everyone else started to arrive, so did another person to see Noah. "SIR! Package for Noah von Karma!"
Noah looked up from what he was doing. "Hm? Oh, hey Mike. A package?"
"Yes SIR!" Mike said and handed him the package.
"Thanks, man. Take care, OK?"
"Will do SIR!"
Noah watched Mike stumble back down the hallway. He was just a recruit so Noah didn't expect Mike to be as vigilant as... well, the good cops, but this guy was just a hoot. "Well, let's see what we got here." He opened the package. In it were: A bloody wrench, a photo of a corpse, a 1:1 scale close-up of the wound on the corpse, a DNA result sheet, and a letter. It read:
Dear Noah,
This is the evidence for the case tomorrow. The wrench was found at the scene next to the body. Try to read up on wounding and impact and those kinds of things to get ready for the case. It will be a tough one!
With high regards,
Detective Bruce Goodman
"Well that was nice of him." He said while reading the note and popping the bubble wrap it came in. It was the small kind so it didn't sound like gunfire. He put the wrench on his desk and looked closely at it. "Yup." He said. "This hit the skull. Blood's in just the right position to prove it." He then looked at the 1:1 scale picture and compared it to the wrench. "Hm... the wound looks smaller but that's probably because it fell in a little. Like a mudslide." Then he went to the DNA evidence. "Blood's the victim's... prints are the suspect's... This is just about right. Hm... who are the witnesses?" He looked over at the court record. "Detective Dick Gumshoe and Timothy Larson. I see. Gumshoe seems to be the stupid type, his testimony is full of holes... but this Timothy guy sounds like trouble. ...Well, I have a thing here of what he witnessed so that shouldn't be too hard. OK, I think I'm set! Now all there is to do is drink coffee and... go to the police station to see if I'm missing anything."

Noah walked up to the police station's entrance. "Woah there," an officer said. "You can't just go in there all willy-nilly!"
Noah, who had become used to this at the office, stood there. "Noah von Karma." He said aloud. The cop looked at him and stepped away from the door.
When he entered it was... different from what he expected. Next to no one was in a normal uniform and there were doors lining the halls everywhere. He asked the receptionist where to go to learn more about the case and she said to go to the main precinct. Noah walked in and was went to the chief who told him to go to the file room. ...This'll go on for a while so let's just say he ends up in the main database. Noah, who was on a computer, was looking through newspapers online to see if any involved the two of them when he found a match: "Hockey manager upstaged by new person. Rockys lose Jimberam."
"Bingo!" Noah said to himself. "Motive at five o' clock!" He e-mailed the page to himself so he can have it on hand and went back to the car. This case was going to be an easy win.

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Last edited by Joebucks on Sun Aug 19, 2007 5:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

YAY! update.

This is a brilliant fic, but can I ask why there are two Chapter 3s?

...OH CRAP, YOU'RE RIGHT!

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I don't know why, but I feel like drinking coffee after reading a story like this (kidding), or more accurately listen to Godot's them (still kidding). This fan-fiction is in my top 10 of the best.

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