http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3567857/1/
My comments up there.

UPDATE: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3567857/2/ part 2
I apologize for the wait. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO REVIEWED! This chapter is mostly just so we can get some Adrian+Penny interaction that I skimmed over in the first chapter.

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Last edited by SilverZephyr on Sat Oct 06, 2007 7:33 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I like it so far. It's no CFTF, all due respect to you, but it's still pretty good.

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Fast response o.o

Thanks =) Aha, of course I'm no CFTF, CFTF is a god while I'm just a girl who writes in her spare time...though hopefully I'll be that good someday ><

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Ooh, I'm really, really liking this.
Penny is one of the most ignored and, if you think about it, pointless characters in the PW fandom (she doesn't even testify in court - she's less important than the Bellboy), but you've taken what little personality she has and characterised her beautifully. I especially love the beginning, where she's nervous of all the crowds, but still (and I loved this) "giddy with fangirlish glee".

Thier meeting was really cute; again, Penny's caught between nervousness and fangirling and, like everyone, getting completely the wrong impression of Adrian.

The cards made me laugh; of course Adrian would somehow find a card to play with. Penny's dark secret of fangirlishness was absolutely adorable, especially her finding the courage to ask for it (it's the Pokemon geek in me, I swear). Her response to Adrian's reaction was good and beleivable, too.

Adrian's thoughts were absolutely spot-on, I thought. Especially flicking from Penny's inflated view of her to her view of herself - despite her death, she sees Celeste as more important than herself. The italics toward the end work very well, and her comparison between herself, Celeste and Matt was excellent.

The one thing that annoyed me about it was the tense moving around between past and present; "Penny asked dumbly, suddenly conscious of the way her large, thick-rimmed glasses cover her face" - past "asked", present "cover"; "she feelt the need to talk to this woman, partly because Penny has never seen her around before" - past "felt" (and a typo there), present "has". It's not a big thing, but it disrupts the flow of writing somewhat, especially if you have to go back and re-read a sentance so you can make sense of it.

I think it's more typos than lack of grammar on your part and everybody does it. Do you have a beta reader? Things like that are actually incredibly hard to catch in something you've written, and can be very obvious to someone else. If you don't, I'd be happy to proof-read for you if you'd like.

My favorite thing about this was how the view of Adrian changes throughout the chapter - like the game, she starts off being a collected professional, an idol for someone like Penny, and by the end she's comparing herself to Matt, still traumatised at not only the loss of Celeste, but how she feels she failed her because she can't be like she was.

Overall, I'm really, really enjoying this - pleeeeeease don't go all "I don't like this, it sucks", because it's very well-written and executed, with only a few typos here and there. I'm really looking forward to part two :D

Wow, I'm VERY flattered that you liked it so much and wrote up such an in-depth review, thanks for taking the time to do that! ^^

Oh and *slaps forehead* the real deal with the tense changes is that when I first wrote the piece, I was doing it in one tense, and then later I decided to switch tenses but when I went back and edited it I rushed a lot...so ehe, thanks for catching that, I'll look into fixing it ^^;

Thanks again! You've inspired me to work on the next part =)

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Since I follow the "LOL LESBIUM" thread, I knew you were working on a story between the two of them, and since you asked for critique, I thought I'd butt in and give some. Hope you don't mind. ^^;;

First of all, I think your Penny was very, very good. Penny's a sweet character, and I think you captured her fangirlish aspect quite nicely without going overboard like some might. For some reason, the idea of her grilling those damn t-bones just made me feel warm inside. It's a nice mental image, and that's coming from someone that doesn't really feel strongly about Penny one way or the other. So kudos on that.

I liked Adrian's thoughts when she was mentally answering all of Penny's stereotypical questions, I thought that was true to how she would probably think, RE: questions about Matt. Just wanting to get it over with, mask sort of crumpling a little, but knowing that this is the sort of thing she has to deal with as his manager. It's the price she has to pay.

I do think the pacing was a little bit too fast. I think it would have helped if you'd shown up more of the actual interaction between Penny and Adrian instead of just skipping from one POV to the other. Allow them to have a conversation, to connect. Then explore whether or not they actually have. Penny is nervous, but for all she knows, she's talking normally to Adrian, whereas just by shifting to Adrian we see how hard the conversation is on her. But you can do some subtle, nice things with that and their mutual reactions by actually showing it. Perhaps from Penny's perspective, she notices Adrian's hands clenching (oh noes, she's going to wrinkle the card! XD) but she doesn't really graps why.

Also, something seemed slightly off to me in terms of Adrian thinking of Celeste as "weak". I think I understand what you were going for--a sort of hurt stage of rejection since Celeste left her behind?--but I'm not sure Adrian is that type. I see her more of thinking "I can't do this, why aren't you here Celeste? You were so good at this sort of thing..." while trying to let none of that show. Feeling frustrated because she's built this wall, and it's having trouble withstanding the most simple questions from a sweet, ninteen-year-old girl.

(I also think there are certain similarities between Penny and Adrian you could explore, but I don't know your plans for that. It would most likely be subconscious at this stage, but I'm a sucker for that sort of thing so I wouldn't mind seeing you try.)

Overall, I'd say it was quite good work. As Dannichu noted, there are some tense issues, and you're right when you say the pacing is a little fast--trust me, I tend to want to rush too--but just take your time and fleshen out. Add fun details, get lost in the character interaction. I think that would really take your fic from being "very good" to "great", IMO.

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Whoa, a review from the fanfiction goddess herself :o~

Thanks so much for your input! It means a lot to me that you'd put write such a detailed review on my fic. Thanks a lot for the critique, I see what you mean and I think you're completely right.

...One thing though. When you talk about Adrian thinking Celeste is weak...I didn't realize until you said that that I'd put that sort of thing in there. I don't know HOW I didn't realize it, but I guess I put that in accidentally, so I'll go and fix it.

The part you're talking about is here, right?



Yeah...I'll definitely rewrite that. The impression I got from what people said about Adrain and what Adrian was saying was that she was trying to BECOME Celeste and trying to live on and forget her own weakness, so I thought she might be trying to push Celeste otu of her mind, but how she acts on the outside is different than how she would be thinking on the inside so that's probably why I ended up off on this part of her character...anyway, I think I'll rework this chapter after all before moving on.

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Oh, come ON, how am I supposed to follow a review from musouka, huh?!

*sigh*

OK, since these two have said everything I was gonna say, I guess I'll just keep it short and sweet.

It was good, but it was too rapid and there wasn't enough of a "body" to the story, you know? It's just that the sudden changes in tense and the speedy pace distracted me. I lost focus a couple times and had to re-read certain sections. And yeah, like musouka said, how about you take their interaction a little deeper? Since they're not commonly brought up in the same sentence, Adrian and Penny have a lot of unexplored comparisons that you could make. A conversation about their glasses, for example (no, really. It could be an interesting scene if it's done correctly, obviously with a little humor. I find comic relief helps me concentrate). Easy to compare a character's glasses to their personality. Penny's glasses=a bit of a nerd, lol; Adrian's glasses=quiet, confident manager. I hope that makes sense. I'll elaborate if you don't get it.

Um, I think I'm basically just nodding my head in agreement with these other reviewers here. And if Dannichu gets to proofread, Danny wants to proofread, too....

Thanks for the input, Danny ^^ I agree and I've revised it a bit...it's still not perfect, but I think it's at least a bit better. Any comments on whether or not it's improved, what needs improvement still, anything would be muchly appreciated, and I'll get the second chapter up soon ^^
...I...still kind of skimped out on actual dialogue though >>; More like added thoughts and such.

.....A conversation...about...glasses......XD<3

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Argh, ALL FORMATTING HAS GONE~

I don't know if it's just my computer (and if it is, I'm gonna be very embarassed), but the entire thing's gone Centered, which makes it very irritating to read.
Plus ALL paragraphing has also mysteriously vanished, making it even more annoying. :/
Bloody FF.net.

I meant to say this before, but the link you posted doesn't work. FF.net doesn't allow links in stories, so it just says "Inspired by this piece of art: I've started to...", so some tweaking of that might help. I'm pretty sure you didn't ask to help on your author's notes, but...

Anyways; the actual fic!

I do like this version more. It flows much better and... would be easier on the eyes if I didn't have to copy it into Word and put in the paragraphs myself to make it readable. But that's not really your fault, so...

You did a good job in fixing the typos and such, though this line did annoy me:
"not that she’s into that sort of thing, of course, she’s not that type of girl" sounds a little clumsy, especially since "she's" is an abbreviation of "she is" which still messes up the tenses a little. I'd suggest: "not that she was into that sort of thing, of course; she wasn't that type of girl."
But it's your fic and totally your call.

There are a couple of times where you capitalise Global Studios and a couple of times where you don't. I'd suggest you check through once more and make sure they all have the proper place-name capitals.

"Suddenly Penny felt more subconscious than ever." Were you aiming for "self-conscious" there? :3

Seriously though, I really loved lots of the new additions, and the direction you're now taking this; Penny trying to be more like Adrian and copying her... and then her determination kicking in and her reverting back to her old self- it was absolutely adorable, but contrasted by the irony of Adrian's outside shell being a mask modelled after Celeste herself and Penny actually copying Celeste and then giving it up - something Adrian will never be able to do.
Stir in some irony about Penny looking up to Adrian because of how professional and collected she is even though she can live without the mask of someone else and Adrian can't... and it was really, really good on many levels :D

What the heck? I kept all the formatting the same o.0 And ah, I didn't know that about ff.net and links, oops ^^;

Thanks for the corrections, I'll fix them ^^

And thanks for the compliments =)

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Right, in both a bump while one is still allowed and in plea for the supposed continuation, I'm importing my own review to here. Essentially, I'll echo what everyone below me has said in my own words ('cept I haven't seen the original work, so this is commenting on the revision). In general, I like this story, and am almost fearful I'm too soft and appreciative in this.

Firstly, the description in general. At the opening, you capture the atmosphere of Global Studios after the murder incident realistically, and with flare - augmented solidly by Penny's position, a meek assistant, in all of this.
"The new faces, new actors, new ideas flooding through the studio were almost suffocating, enough to keep a girl like Penny’s head swimming as she got lost in the crowd." - That more or less got me hooked. You also manage to also create an appropriate atmosphere, tension (and lack of when fitting) for each scene.

The social confusion between Penny and Adrian - one almost fearful of the other, for either their own standing or what they aspire to be. I don't know where you got the idea to have these two characters face off, but girl, that is a gold-mine waiting to be tapped.

The centre of my own adoration in this chapter is Penny. Penny completely steals the show here. I mean that as positively as possible. Not only are her original and obvious traits from the case present, you've opened up a whole side to her character I never thought into before: I couldn't have done it as well as you here. We all know her as the shy, helpful, and a fangirl who suppresses her glee, but in this story it's taken a step further:

For one, (and this is a long bit) there's the side of herself which she seems to deny: the rebellious minx eager for knowledge. This is made best clear when Penny goes to eavesdrop: Penny childishly convinces herself that she's not, or that the info wormed its way to her rather than the reverse.
"(not that Penny eavesdropped, of course she wasn’t that sort of girl, she was just listening for new news about the Nickel Samurai and accidentally hearing other things, that was all)" aroused a pleasant smirk from me. She must have done a good job of hiding that side of her from me the first time: I felt hinted at, but you flushed that out for me. Thanks.

How Penny stands against someone as outwardly strong, prim and retained as Adrian is both endearing, realistically natural, and both upsetting (in the good way). You made Penny very versatile too, if I might add, in that she can have her dark moments like everyone else: here, Penny *understands* how socially awkward her own being is, how people frown upon the idea of a young adult fandomizing (yeah, that's not a word) a kid's show. She still has the courage to be herself, yet that doesn't stop her from feeling prickling doubt and uncertainty at times, especially when it comes to proving herself to a superior. That feeling of insignificance Adrian (accidentally, as is later confirmed) creates for Penny is hard to swallow, and almost impossible without a hard face for Penny.
The scenes are organised appropriately: they're believeable in setting and occurrances, and the interaction between the two stars of the story. The irony in Penny's imitation of Adrian is fleshed out convincingly, with reason, "fluff" as you put it [then again, that ain't my area of expertise], and melancholy.

Finally, the way she reflects upon Adrian's life is a revelating contrast.. Admittedly, the final scene between the two from Adrian's perspective gives me a chill, especially the final few lines. How innerly cold Adrian behaves with herself is quite worrying. I think you got how she coped in an exciting light: she strives to be nothing less than Celeste Mark. II, and how she hates herself for struggling so hard to be Celeste in her absence (not outright stated, but that's the vibe I got), and that Celeste wouldn't struggle at all: Adrian can't find it in her to be her own person at this stage in her life, and that in itself is a tragedy. Though not nearly as much as Corrida or Engarde. Penny's purpose here - as an awakening, a realisation of what she's possibly become: what she hates - is what Adrian needed.

"In her mind, Adrian’s hands tied a rope around someone’s neck. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Penny gasping and reaching for her but it didn’t matter because she was falling and clutching and letting go and holding on and letting go again.
I’m not Celeste.
I’m Matt."
Yeah, I'm not certain how to phrase that other than it gave me a shudder and something to think about. Which I have.

Right, I hope that's all I wanted to say. I hope you appreciate the review and whatnot. So, about those extra chapters you said you might do...I have a box of cookies with your name on them if they're finished by the coming month. My treat.

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ACK SORRY FOR THE HIATUS ><

As for your review, Dr. Mancusio, all I can say is wow. I am so honored that my work was given such a thorough review. Thanks SO MUCH for the input ^.^

Oh, and as for my inspiration...
http://www.court-records.net/arts/fan6.jpg

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