Science: It's cuter than ever
Gender: Female
Location: Michigan
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Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:25 am
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It is here.
My comments are up there, so I don't have much to say here except I hope you enjoy ^^;
Edit: Thanks to the wonderful Zetto San's advice, I've revised this fic into a first-person narrative through dialogue. I think it's much better than it was before. As always, any feedback is highly appreciated ^^
Last edited by SilverZephyr on Sun May 13, 2007 5:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.
;-;
Gender: Male
Location: In Yur Sink
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Joined: Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:58 am
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Umm... I can't think of anything particularly bad, but nothing great or outstanding, either.
My main concern here is the lack of a solid perspective. For some reason, I felt like it was the retelling of her events that evening from the outside. I didn't feel like I was Ema. I didn't feel her thoughts. You have writing skill, I can tell you that. You just need to mold a distinct style.
If I can make a suggestion, try writing more first person. Imagine if Ema was do a dramatic retelling of those events. There should be a significant shift from little sister waiting for her older sister to frightened little girl.
With a little more work, it can be something really special.
Science: It's cuter than ever
Gender: Female
Location: Michigan
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:25 am
Posts: 999
Hmm...Now I'm wondering whether to rewrite this fic or to move on to a different fic I have planned with Ema and try to incorporate your advice more into that one. Decisions, decisions.
;-;
Gender: Male
Location: In Yur Sink
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Joined: Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:58 am
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Rewrite this one. I want you to take my bit of advice, and make this fiction great.
Then, take what you learned from the first one, and apply it to your new project.
Run with it. I believe in you, really.
Science: It's cuter than ever
Gender: Female
Location: Michigan
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:25 am
Posts: 999
One question though...When you say to make it more from Ema's point of view, do you literally mean first-person, or just have more of her thoughts and personality in a third-person narrative?
;-;
Gender: Male
Location: In Yur Sink
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Joined: Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:58 am
Posts: 372
Trust me, it'll be a challenge, but by challenging yourself, you'll only grow as a writer. When I was reading, I thought of this line.
"I just... stood there. Every instinct told me that I should run, call for help, do something. But I didn't. I just stood there, staring at the cold eyes of a killer." Ema placed her forehead in her palm. "I was acting like a stupid little girl. And I nearly payed for it with my life."
Ema should be talking to someone. Maybe she's talking to the person she stayed with in Europe, or talking to someone, finally telling the story she couldn't tell when she was 11.
There are tons of possibilities. If you need advice, just call. Pm me or contact me through FF.net. I posted the same review. I'll help every step of the way.
Science: It's cuter than ever
Gender: Female
Location: Michigan
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:25 am
Posts: 999
I PMed you.
Gender: Female
Location: These United States
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2007 8:25 pm
Posts: 1381
"When I see ghosts, I usually slap them." Funny!
One thing though, somewhere in the middle, it says something like (in reference to Marshall) "He was being the strong woman, and I was the weak little girl." I don't think you meant woman, did you?
Otherwise, excellent.
CHIEF
STAMP OF APPROVAL
Science: It's cuter than ever
Gender: Female
Location: Michigan
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:25 am
Posts: 999
...And indeed, I didn't mean to call Neil a woman O.O; *runs to fix*
Edit: Okay, I think I found the part you were talking about, and I think I was trying to say that Ema wishes she was a strong woman instead of a little girl...maybe if it was confusing to you then I should reword it...hmm...
Gender: Female
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Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2007 8:25 pm
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