Title: The Wright Thing To Do
Author: Kali
Rating: PGish)
Genre: Humor/Crossover
Status: Incomplete
Pairing: No romance, but occasional discussion of horribly cracktastic relationships.
Spoilers: AA/JFA Takes place AFTER GS3/Before GS4, but I haven't played GS3 so it will be AUish if you have.
Summary: What exactly was it that caused Phoenix Wright to go on such a long hiatus? A case in a little known place called LazyTown helps convince him that everyone else is crazy.

--

Phoenix Wright stared up at the roof of the very pink tent and wondered why on Earth he had come to this little town in the middle of nowhere. Well, he knew why he had come, he just wondered why he had thought it had been a good idea.

The first warning sign should have been when the letter arrived in a pink envelope, was written in pink ink, and was covered in hearts and flowers. Furthermore, it was obviously written by a young girl, all loopy letters and smiley-face dotted i’s. He wasn’t even sure what the case he was supposed to be taking on was, just that someone was in trouble.

The second warning sign should have been the fact they had to take a train cross-country because there wasn’t an airport anywhere near this little hole-in-the-wall. Actually, he wasn’t sure why there was even a “they”, but somehow Maya and Pearl had talked their way into this disaster of a road trip. There was only one way in and out of the place, like someone demented deity just picked up the little town and dropped it into the surrounding fields, and then added the one method of escape as an afterthought.

The final, and most telling, warning should have been that the first and only “normal” person they had met was a hyper-active child who looked like she had been dipped in a vat of Pepto-Bismal and then given a bucket of amphetamines. Everyone, and everything else, looked like they were molded in plastic and then set out in the sun so long it partially melted.

“Hey, Nick,” Maya said quietly. Quietly for Maya, anyway. “You know that girl we met.”

“Yes,” he whispered back. “Stephanie.”

“Yeah, her. You don’t think Max and Regina could have…”

“No. Regina would have been around ten when she was born. Besides, I don’t think she’s chosen between Max or Trilo.” Let’s see…rich, famous magician or an inanimate object with a hand up it’s ass. Tough decision.

“What if Max and Trilo had-”

He tuned her out completely. Trying to explain the mechanics of why that pairing would not work could quite possibly break what little was left of his mind. Aside from which, the girl was the only person they had met so far who did not look like a puppet. She really did have an uncanny resemblance to the magician and the animal trainer, minus the large, trained tiger that didn’t particularly like him.

Rolling over did nothing to make him more comfortable on the bumpy ground and he sighed loudly. He couldn’t believe that there hadn’t been a single hotel in the town; there wasn’t even a bed and breakfast. Where did other people stay when they visited? Did anyone ever come to visit? Could anyone ever come to visit? He felt like he had accidentally stepped into some sort of bizarro world.

The tent had been the best alternative Stephanie could offer. The house she stayed in with her uncle only had two bedrooms, and Pearl had already claimed the shaggy pink carpet in Stephanie’s bedroom. No doubt the two of them were eating Bagel Bites, doing each other’s hair and discussing Maya and Mr. Nick’s ‘true love.’

He and Maya had been foisted off with the very pink tent, two very, very pink sleeping bags, a (pink) can of insect repellent and a disturbingly knowing wink from Pearl. Rolling over again only lodged a sharp pebble into his ribs. Damnnit

At least it was summer and a clear night. He only had to get through tonight and then he could find out what the heck had happened and who the hell he was supposed to be representing.

---

Phoenix awoke with the birds’ singing in his ears, the sun streaming in his eyes and Maya’s elbow jammed in his ear. He wasn’t confused by the last issue, she had been flailing around in her sleep and screaming about ‘the puppet invasion’, but the first two caught him by surprise. Where the hell is the tent?

His back was a giant mess of knotted muscle and bruises where Maya had kicked him during the night. He eased himself into a sitting position and tried to get a look around. It was possible that his assistant’s thrashing had knocked the tent over, in which case he could probably set it up again fast enough to get some more sleep.

He spotted a suspiciously fuchsia pile a few feet away, but when he tried to reach it without leaving the relative comfort of his sleeping bag, a young voice yelled out, “It’s mine!”

The new owner of the tent stomped over to stand atop his acquisition. He was wearing a old-fashioned yellow suit and clutching a piggy-bank to his chest. “Don’t touch it, this tent belongs to me.”

No, no it doesn’t. “Actually, I think that tent belongs to Stephanie,” Phoenix said mildly. Behind him, Maya stirred, but didn’t wake.

“No, it’s miiiine.” The boy pointed to his chest in case Phoenix didn’t understand the possessive pronoun. “It’s all mine. Piggy is mine. This tent is mine. Those sleeping bags are mine. All your base is mine.”

“Wait, what?” Phoenix couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Maybe the poor kid has some sort of kleptomania.

The boy marched over to where Maya was still sleeping and tugged on one corner of her sleeping bag, obviously ignoring Phoenix. “Mine!”

Maya sprung up like a jack-in-the-box. She swung out, knocking their visitor head over heels. “They’re gonna eat me!” she shrieked, eyes wide and glassy. After a few gasping breaths, she blinked a few times and then seemed to come back to reality. “Whew, what a dream. I dreamt I was fighting off a mob of angry puppets. Whoa, what happened to your hair?”

Phoenix sighed and felt the limp, mangled spikes at the back of his head. “Our tent has been appropriated.” Phoenix pointed to the remains of their sleeping arrangements and then to the fallen boy, who was wiping the gravel off of his shorts. “I suppose we should get going anyway,” he added with a yawn.

Maya nodded. She had actually slept in her medium costume, she claimed it was just like a nightshirt anyway, so she didn’t have much to do in the way of getting ready. He, however, did not find his cheap suit quite as comfortable to sleep in. He’d have to change out of his “pajamas” (a pair of old sweatpants and an undershirt) before they could get anything done.

“Get away from my suitcase!” he yelled, just as he spotted a small pair of hands grab for the handle. “That suitcase is mine.”

“Geez… you’re uptight today,” Maya remarked, staring at him like he’d grown three heads.

He opened his mouth to reply, but thought better of it. Why argue and waste valuable time they could be using to get the hell out of town?

“Oh good, you’re up,” came a cheerful voice. Stephanie marched into view, followed closely by Pearl. Both girls looked awake, freshly showered and way too chipper for that early in the morning. “Uncle made pancakes, if you’d like some.”

Phoenix didn’t even have to look at Maya to know what her answer would be. “Actually, could I hop in your shower?” he asked.

“Sure,” Stephanie said, “I’ll show you where it is.”

While her “boss” showered, Maya took advantage of the Meanswell family hospitality. “These are really good,” she managed through a mouthful of syrup and butter.

“Uncle” whom Stephanie found out was actually the mayor, looked pleased. “I love to cook. In fact, I love to cook almost as much as I love bacon.” He added another four strips of the salty stuff to his plate. “Of course, I don’t get to eat it very often.”

“If I could, I would eat bacon at every meal,” Maya replied.

“Sportacus says that bacon isn’t good for you if you eat it everyday,” Stephanie said, taking a swig of orange juice.

“Sportacus?” Pearl asked.

“Sportacus is our resident above-average-hero, you know,” Mayor Meanswell said proudly, before stealing another two strips of bacon.

“Resident…hero?” Maya stopped chewing for a second. “If you have a town hero, why couldn’t he have helped you?”

“You see…Sportacus is actually the person in trouble.” Stephanie’s mood did an immediate one-eighty. “He’s in real trouble and we can’t help him, but maybe you can.”

“Do I smell bacon?” Phoenix asked as he wandered into the kitchen.

“Yes,” Pearl chirruped. “Maya ate your share, Mr. Nick. She has to keep her energy up.” Pearl gave him an adorable grin that almost made up for the wink that accompanied it.

“So tell me more about Sportacus,” Maya said quickly.

“Well, Sportacus came to LazyTown because everyone was being lazy. Now he helps us get moving, and keeps everyone safe,” Stephanie explained. “Or he would if he weren’t in jail.”

“In jail?” Pearl asked.

“Awaiting trial,” explained the mayor, guiltily slipping the last slice of bacon onto the serving platter. “Unfortunately there was a … little incident. It’s the first time LazyTown will hold a trial in about fifteen years.”

“Fifteen years?” Phoenix exclaimed. “What have your police been doing all this time?”

“We don’t actually have any police officers,” Mayor Meanswell admitted. “Or a jailer. Or a judge. Or any lawyers…”

“So how is this trial going to work?” Maya said. “You can’t really have a trial without those.”

“As mayor, I’ll be the judge. And we’ll hire a prosecutor. I guess.” The mayor looked thoughtful. “Oh, and you’ll be the defense.”

Unfortunately. “Where exactly are you keeping our client?” All he got was a bunch of blank looks. “This ‘Spartacus’.”

“Sportacus,” Maya corrected him.

“Well, we do have a jail!” Mayor Meanswell announced cheerfully. “When we’re done eating, I’ll let you see him.”

---

To say the LazyTown Jail was primitive would be a slight understatement. After the massive, heavy-security, technology laden detention center in Los Angeles, the small-town jail seemed as secure as a wet cardboard box. There was no one sitting at the desk and watching the prisoner, even though he could have easily squirmed his way out any time he felt like it.

Not that it mattered, since Sportacus was clearly in no hurry to escape. He had his legs hooked through the thick, metal bars of the one cell and was doing a complex set of hanging sit-ups that made Phoenix’s stomach ache just thinking about it.

Sportacus stopped as soon as he noticed the party come in, kicking off of the bars and doing a neat walk-over. Stephanie rushed over to the cell, her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears.

Mayor Meanswell sniffled audibly behind Phoenix, and Maya quickly wiped at her own eyes as Stephanie tried to hug the above-average-hero through the bars. “Don’t worry, Sportacus, Mr. Wright is going to help you,” Stephanie announced, her voice slightly shaky.

Phoenix just blinked a few times and tried his best not to stare at the ridiculous man before him. Sportacus was as blue as Stephanie was pink, and he had the most bizarre pencil mustache that Phoenix had ever seen. It almost looked like it was pasted on. Between that and the bizarre stocking cap and goggle combination, Sportacus looked an escapee from Santa’s workshop. Maybe he got kicked out for suggesting Santa should go on a diet.

“Uh, I’m Phoenix Wright, attorney-at-law. This is my assistant Maya Fey. Stephanie sent us a letter saying you were in need of our services.”

“Yes. Unfortunately, the police have made a mistake. I haven’t done anything.” At least that’s what Phoenix thought Sportacus said. His heavy accent made deciphering what he was saying difficult. Swedish maybe? Norwegian? In any case, it was completely out-of-place in Middle-of-Nowhere, USA.

“So you believe you are not guilty?” Phoenix asked.

“I am not guilty,” was the response. “I would never kidnap anyone.”

“Nick! Your first non-murder case,” Maya said, sounding like a proud parent whose child had said it’s first word.

“So who was kidnapped?” Phoenix asked.

“Robbie Rotten!” The Mayor, Stephanie and Sportacus all spoke in unison, the name coming out like some sort of curse.

“Is Mr. Rotten well known?” Phoenix asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yes,” Stephanie said sharply, “Everyone knows Robbie.”

“You see,” the mayor explained, “Mr. Rotten has caused some trouble in the past.”

“He keeps trying to make Sportacus leave LazyTown!” Stephanie stomped her foot. “All he wants to do is sit around and be lazy.”

“Okay. So Sportacus was arrested because he is an obvious suspect?”

“I wasn’t arrested,” Sportacus interrupted.

Phoenix cocked an eyebrow. That’s right, they have no police. “So, who put you in jail?”

“I did,” Sportacus said matter-of-factly.

Phoenix pushed on the cell door experimentally, and it swung open freely. “So, you can technically leave whenever you want.”

Sportacus looked horrified. “Of course not, I’m in jail.”

Phoenix left eye had begun twitching slightly, but he couldn’t just drop the topic. “So you just put yourself in jail once it was determined that Robbie had gone missing? How did you find out he was missing?”

“We got a letter,” Mayor Meanswell said. “From Robbie.”

“What did it say?” Pearl asked.

“It said, ‘Help, Sportacus trapped me in the airship’,” the mayor reported. “We knew it came from the airship because we found it on the ground.”

Oh, that makes perfect sense. No one could have just dropped it there from the ground. “Why don’t you just go up and get him then?”

“Well, you see, the airship is awfully high up… and the ladder is a little scary…” the mayor said quietly.

“Why don’t you have Sportacus go up and get him down?”

“He’s in jail,” Maya said, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

The cell door was still swinging slightly. “Are you even sure that Robbie is up in the airship? Is there any evidence besides the letter?”

“No one has seen Robbie in six days. He usually tries to drive Sportacus away every three days or so,” Stephanie said.

He didn’t really want to know, but he had to ask anyway. “How exactly does Robbie try to ‘drive Sportacus away’?”

They were all the way to “the time Robbie kidnapped the mayor” when Phoenix really began to wonder why anyone was concerned that Mr. Rotten had gone missing.

“And then there was the time that Robbie turned Sportacus into a ten-year-old and…”

“I think I get the idea.” He pressed two fingers to his temples in an attempt to stave off the headache he knew was coming. “Sportacus is a suspect because he has a clear motive for the kidnapping.” He turned to the incarcerated hero. “Mister… Sportacus, what is your full name.”

“Sportacus Ten.”

“You don’t mind if I just call your Sportacus then?”

Sportacus just shrugged. “Every body does.”

“Okay, then. Sportacus, do you mind if we take a look at your airship?”

“Of course. When you want to go up, you just say ‘ladder’ and the ladder will come down.”

That’s some incredible security right there. No wonder this guy got in so much trouble. “I- what’s that beeping noise?”

The ornament on Sportacus’ chest was blinking and making odd beeping noises. “Oh no! Someone’s in trouble!” Stephanie squealed.

Sportacus looking longingly at the completely unlocked door before turning back to Stephanie. “You’ll take care of it, right Stephanie.”

The pink-haired girl nodded vigorously enough to make Phoenix’s neck hurt. “Just leave it to Sporta-Stephanie!” she said before speeding off.

“Wait for me!” Pearl called, taking off after her.

“I hope they’ll be okay,” Sportacus said with a sigh. “The last time I ‘took a day off’ Robbie built this robotic dog and terrorized the kids with it.”

“Mr. Rotten has a lot of enemies, doesn’t he?” Phoenix asked.

Sportacus looked thoughtful. “I wouldn’t say ‘enemies’. Just people who wish he would just stay in bed all day like he wants to. He doesn’t make friends very well.”

“I can see why,” Maya said.

“Maya, can you try to get some more information on Mr. Rotten for me?” Phoenix asked. “I want to go get a look at the airship and make sure Robbie is on it. If I can get him down, this case could be over before it starts.” Or if I can prove he never was there at all…

---

No one's lazy in lazy town! hee hee great!!! (I don't watch it though, just saw the ad)

---

Phoenix gulped audibly as he stared at the airship floating peacefully above LazyTown. It seemed to be staying in place despite the lack of an anchor or tether, making him wonder if it had some kind of sophisticated auto-pilot.

“Ladder,” he ordered, but nothing happened.

“Ladder!” he said more firmly, this time directing his voice towards the airship.

“Ladder!” he shouted at the top of his lungs, only to be answered by an explosive pain in his nose. When the pain had dulled enough that his vision cleared, he could see that the ladder had indeed come down.

I’m supposed to climb 100 meters of this? He shook the rope and rung ladder experimentally, and watched as the whole thing swung in an elegant wave.

He grabbed a run just over his head and tentatively stepped onto the bottom. He hung, swallowing nervously until he worked up the courage to up another two feet. The ladder did not suddenly buck or twitch or otherwise try to throw him to the ground, so he slowly continued the ascent.

Contrary to his original belief, the airship wasn’t entirely stationary above the quiet town. It was being carried on the breeze that go stronger as he climbed higher. The ladder, in turn, was undulating in a gentle yet nauseating way.

Despite the churning of his stomach, Phoenix’s climb was relatively uneventful until he took a break midway up. In a move that he would later pinpoint as the direct catalyst of the resulting disaster, he glanced down at the tiny buildings and people scurrying below.

–

“And that’s how you ended up in LazyTown?” Maya asked.

“Yes,” Sportacus confirmed.

“Do you plan on going to any other town, are were you thinking of staying here?”

“I-” the above-average hero glanced down at his chest as his emblem began squawking at him.

“It looks like Stephanie will be busy today,” the Mayor remarked, “and I’m not even doing any handy-work with my power tools today.”

–

The little people on the ground were congregating around the bottom of the ladder as Phoenix let out another startled yelp. He thought he could recognize the small pink figure of Stephanie and the yellow body of the young kleptomaniac. The two, and four others, seemed to be having a conference and if he could convince himself to let up his death grip, he could have gotten a better look.

Just as he was about to move his left leg from where he had tangled it in the rope in his terror, her heard the word “catch!” called from below. He looked down just in time to receive a face full of something fist-sized and hard. Gravity took it before he could examine it.

“What are you doing?” he yelled down, but some sort of yellow boomerang came at his head. He jerked away and as it passed through the empty space between the rungs, he identified the UFO as a banana.

Fruit? Why the f- “Ow!” Another apple had collided with the side of his head. He was going to yell down for them to stop flinging produce at him but they appeared to be holding another conference.

As he watched with a growing sense of dread, four of the little figures ran off and came back with a large disk of some sort. Unfortunately, he was so busy watching the disk that he didn’t notice what the other two were doing until the ladder jerked heavily. It swung back with greater force and he realized what the kids were attempting to do.

–

“Where does Mr. Rotten live?” Maya asked over the screeching of Sportacus’s emblem.

“No one really knows,” Sportacus said. “We think his house is by the big billboard at the edge of town, but no one has ever seen it.”

“That won’t make it easy to search for clues there.”

–

Another scream escaped Phoenix’s lips as the ladder swung violently. Luckily his limbs were so stiff with fear that he was incapable of letting go even if he wanted to.

Below him, the kids ran back and forth with their trampoline, trying to judge the trajectory of his fall. Looking down while swinging gave him a horrible case of vertigo and he felt his grip slip as he swallowed a mouthful of bile. The world was whirling viciously and just then there was a particularly nasty lurch of the ladder.

Just before he came crashing onto the trampoline he heard a familiar little voice squeal, “It’s Mine!”

–

“Mr. Nick?” The blurry figure of Pearl filled his vision as he slowly opened his eyes. He was flat on his back on a small grassy patch in the center of LazyTown.

“Oh good, for a minute there I thought I’d be channeling you,” Maya said off to the side.

“Ow…” was all he could get out as every nerve in his body seemed to scream in pain.

“Anyway, I learned where Mr. Rotten’s home is,” Maya announced.

“You did?” Phoenix croaked out. Hopefully Robbie lived someplace safe, like a bubble wrap lined room completely devoid of ladders, stairs or anything else he could fall off of.

“It’s somewhere near the big billboard.”

“That’s… it?” Phoenix asked. That’s real helpful. But at least looking for Robbie’s house would probably not involve testing the laws of gravity. “Let’s go there next. I think the airship can wait.” Now where’s that little klepto. I’d like to give him a piece of my mind, and a good kick in the pants.

“Oh, I learned something too!” Pearl said suddenly.

She seemed very proud of herself, so he decided to humor her. “Okay, what did you learn?”

The next thing he knew, he was staring at her Pink Princess underpants as she performed a very wobbly headstand. “Stephanie taught me!”

“That’s…great,” he tried not to sound distressed as he stared at his shoes, Maya’s hair, the sky, anything but the Pink Princess. “Maybe you should stop doing that, you don’t want all the blood to stay in you head.”

“Pearly, maybe you should ask Stephanie if you could borrow one of her outfits if you’re going to do that.” Just as Phoenix was going to congratulate Maya on being a voice of reason for once, she added, “You don’t want to mess up your channeling costume.”

With a groan, he managed to drag himself to his feet. “Let’s just go. Please.”

---

You need to be commited to a mental institution. Right now. Or shot in the head. Multiple times so that you can't come back as a zombie.

On another note... that was brilliant, in a sick and twisted kind of way. No errors in spelling or grammar caught my eye, so keep up the good work, and lay off the pixie sticks,