Title: Pearly Loves Stuffed Animals
Author: PrinceDaniel07
Rating: R due to language
Genre: Comedy
Status: completed!
Summary: Pearly loves magical talking stuffed animals.

Pearly Loves Stuffed Animals!

My name is Pearl Fey. Today was a very interesting day! It started when I woke up this morning. "Pearly wake up it's time for BREAKFAST!" Maya yelled at me. "I made HAMBURGERS! You'll love them!"
So I jumped right out of bed, and went to the table still dressed in my Steel Samurai pajamas. "Mystic Maya, can I ask you something?" I asked.
"What is it Pearly?" Maya responded.
"..... IS NICK YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE YET YOU GUYS SHOULD GET MARRIED!!!" I yelled very quickly.
"I have my privacy, you know." Maya responded.
"...What is pry-va-cee?" I asked.
"It's where... well... where you keep secrets." Maya said. "People need to keep secrets sometimes. It's better that way."
"Is Nick your secret?!" I asked.
"......... I'm not going to even answer that. You'd take it the wrong way." Maya responded.
"Oh.... also.... doesn't Mr. Nick break that privacy thing a lot?" I asked.
"Uh... yes. Definitely. He's a pro at that. It's a laywer's job!" Maya responded.
"But.... but..... you said.... that it's better when people can keep secrets....." I said. "Does that make Mr. Nick an evil man?"
"Yes. Along with all other lawyers. Now eat your hamburger before I eat it." Maya responded, finishing eating up her own hamburgers.
I took one bite. "I'm full." I said.
"Oh, good!" Maya responded.
"I'm going to go play with Mr. Teddy Bear now." I said.
"Have fun!" Maya laughed. I walked into my room and sat down with Mr. Teddy Bear.
"Hello Mr. Teddy Bear!" I said.
"I love you Pearldickie!" Mr. Teddy Bear said, with a huge smile.
".... Gant calls me that!" I said.
"Sometimes I wish I had a dickie, Pearl. Then I could 'play' with all the little girls I see!" Mr. Teddy Bear said.
"What games would you play, Teddy?" I said.
"Fun games that involve..... milk. Yes. Milk. I'll go with that.... but sadly it'll never happen. It's a sad life.... I'll never have a dickie." Mr. Teddy Bear said, crying.
"B-but.... you can have anything!" I cried.
"No... I can't. Pearl... if I can't have a dickie I can't play with little girls. If I can't play with little girls... life isn't worth living.... if you could.... please..... rip my head off..." Mr. Teddy Bear wailed.
"Uh.... OK...." I said. I grabbed Mr. Teddy Bear's head.... and I pulled on his head.... and his head came off. Hopefully he goes to Stuffed Animal Heaven!
Maya ran in.... "WHAT WAS ALL THAT FUH- uh.... ALL THAT FUDGING NOISE?!" she screamed.
"I killed Mr. Teddy Bear! He wanted to go because he had no dickie!" I said.
"Uh..... I really hope you don't know what those words mean." Maya said frowning.
"Of course I don't!" I said smiling.
"O...K.... well.... say bye to Mr. Teddy Bear." Maya said. She grabbed Mr. Teddy Bear and started to throw her in the trash.
"No!!! Mr. Teddy Bear needs a proper burial!" I cried.
".... That would be a lot of work.... what if I cremated him?" Maya asked.
"Oh that's fine." I said.
"Alright!" Maya started a fire in the fire place and threw Mr. Teddy Bear's corpse in it. "Bye bye Mr. Teddy Bear! See you in Heaven!"
"Maya? Can you channel Mr. Teddy Bear?" I asked.
"God no, don't be silly." Maya replied.
"I bet you I can do it!" I said. I concentrated... and then I went into a dream... which happened to be about tentacles entering my pee-hole and rump. When I woke up I found myself in Gant's office. Maya and Nick stared at me, while Gant just blinked a lot.
"Jolly! I never knew little girls could do tha-" Gant started.
"Shut the fuck up Gant." Mr. Nick said. "Pearl.... don't channel alcoholics. He drunk all my whiskey and you know I need a whole bottle of that when I lose a case."
"Pearly! I loved it when you tore up that bunny and ate it raw! It was so amazing and BRUTAL! Like the Steel Samurai, only more METAL!!!" Maya said with the biggest smile I had ever seen.
"I loved the part where she started rubbing up against the bunny and-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP GANT." Mr. Nick screamed. "YOU OLD FUCKING FAGGOT RAPIST WHO ESCAPES IMPRISOMENT!!!"
"You guys know you love me. Anyways.... if you will excuse me.... I have a church to visit!" Gant said, walking out. "Do the jolly thing which is to lock the door when you leave my office."
"Nick! Let's go to Harra and Tara's Magnificent Toy Store! They just opened a new one a few blocks away!" Maya said. "Pearl needs a new stuffed animal anyway!"
"... I've got work to do, idiot." Mr. Nick responded.
"Aw... OK...." Maya said, frowning. "Let's go Pearl.... " she muttered.
"Yay!" I screamed. Me and Maya walked out of Gant's office after breaking his organ for laughs. We headed down a few blocks and entered Harra and Tara's Magnificent Toy Store! A nice man called a "store greeter" came up to us.
"Hello little girls! Welcome to this magnificent store filled with numerous toys that were all made by Harra and Tara's magical elves!" the store greeter said.
"I thought they were made by gnomes." I said.
"No no no! That is The Damn Siblings Awesome Toy Store of Relentless Awesomeness, which was banned from the state California for being too awesome and magical and filled with rape!"
"Oh...." I said. "What's rape?"
"You don't want to know. Let's go look at the stuffed animals!" Maya said. We walked over to the stuffed animals.... and it was frightening. Most of them were cold... emotionless.... they did nothing..... except for once.... Mr. Beaver!
"My name is Mr. Beaver! I want to chew on your tit!" Mr. Beaver said.
"Oh Maya! This one can talk!" I said.
"Suuuuuure it can. Look, do you want that one?" Maya asked.
"Of course I do! I love him!" I said.
"OK... let's see... oh my fudging god it's five hundred fudging dollars. That is so.... cheap!" Maya said, smiling.
"Yay! I love you Maya! You buy me more than anyone else!" I said. We went and bought Mr. Beaver.
"I can't wait to go home with you!" Mr. Beaver said.
"Maya! Let's go home! It's getting late!" I said.
"Sure thing! Let's get the fuck out of here!" Maya said. "Oops... did I say fuck?! Oh no! The only thing that would be worser to say in front of you would be cunt!.... Oh shit."
"Fuck shit cunt! Fuck shit cunt! Cunt shit fuck! Fuck cunt shit!" I said. "These words are FUN! What do they mean?"
"Ooh I love your potty mouth... in fact it would make a good potty!" Mr. Beaver said.
"Did you hear Mr. Beaver? What does he mean by that?" I asked Maya.
"Silly Pearl, Stuffed animals can't talk!" Maya replied.
"No they can!" I said.
"NO THEY CAN NOT!" Maya yelled.
"THEY SO CAN!" I said.
"WELL FUCK YOU!" Maya screamed. She kicked me in the giny and punched my stomach. "I only hurt you because I love you. Now let's run before that cop notices."
"Ok, Maya!" I said. I'm so glad that Maya loves me enough to beat me up! We headed over to the car and we headed back home. I brought Mr. Beaver into my room.
"What do you want to do, Mr. Beaver?" I asked.
"I want to mol- oh wait I don't have a dick.... kill me... please?" Mr. Beaver responded.
"I don't want to!" I responded.
"OK fine...." Mr. Beaver walked out in to the kitchen and I followed him. He got out a match and he... set himself on fire.
"MAYA! MR. BEAVER JUST COMMITED SUICIDE!" I yelled. Why do all stuffed animals kill themselves? It's not cool.

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lol. XD

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Glad you enjoyed it.

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Hee hee. Why did the animals all commit suicide? Maybe Pearly doesn't love them enough, no... that wasn't the reason, was it? Fab story anyway.

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They were pedophiles. Both of them killed themselves because they didn't have a "dickie".

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lol - that was teh most pointless thing i've ever read.

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Really? Wow. XD

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That was interesting....... kinda funny but they are all pedos >.<

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0.o
You mean all stuffed animals who can talk are pedos?!

That was quite possibly the most crack filled fan fiction I've ever read.
And like all good crack, I want more.

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No, I'm not a stuffed-animalist.

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phew, my teddy bear can talk.
anyway, this is awesome crack, you should write mroe.

I laughed unbelievably hard. Now my mouth hurts.

Might I ask what your inspiration was for this beautiful story?

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I have no fucking idea what my inspiration was. I just started writing aimlessly putting in everything I thought was funny.

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