Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/3 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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About the windows issue, I'm pretty sure during the game, there was an indication of a window in a video cut scene of the place. I'm not entirely sure as I haven't played the game in a very long time but that's my interpretation of the matter. Plus, given that her father didn't have a TV, what other possible way is there for Vera to see the outside world? Out the looking glass is the most probable answer. Mail wouldn't have any answer as I'm assuming Drew wouldn't allow any junk mail to be sent to him in fear that he'll be discovered.
In the Japanese sense, presenting a business card is the first thing to do in order to introduce one's self to the client/person in question. It's similarly the same thing in Western culture. Maybe it's because I was brought up in a Asian society so that's why I'm a little bit picky with that point. Yeah, I can see that the business card would be an easy way to use for notes/paper. But going by the predominantly Japanese interpretation of the game, I do see that Apollo writing something is a bit far-fetched as Japanese do not write anything usually on their business cards as sort of respect to themselves and others. But then again, I'm getting far to picky with this issue.
Well, I suppose that's all the points I wanted to expand and clarify. If you need another person's POV on this issue, don't hesitate to ask.
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/3 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Bruce Goldberg wrote:
Good points on what you said but I'd better expand on what I said...maybe that can change your opinion a lot of things though...
About the windows issue, I'm pretty sure during the game, there was an indication of a window in a video cut scene of the place. I'm not entirely sure as I haven't played the game in a very long time but that's my interpretation of the matter. Plus, given that her father didn't have a TV, what other possible way is there for Vera to see the outside world? Out the looking glass is the most probable answer. Mail wouldn't have any answer as I'm assuming Drew wouldn't allow any junk mail to be sent to him in fear that he'll be discovered.
About the windows issue, I'm pretty sure during the game, there was an indication of a window in a video cut scene of the place. I'm not entirely sure as I haven't played the game in a very long time but that's my interpretation of the matter. Plus, given that her father didn't have a TV, what other possible way is there for Vera to see the outside world? Out the looking glass is the most probable answer. Mail wouldn't have any answer as I'm assuming Drew wouldn't allow any junk mail to be sent to him in fear that he'll be discovered.
I glanced at the screenshots for the case on CR and I will admit that I don't see one with a window. I wonder if you're thinking about the third case where a small window figures into the case rather prominently (I won't go further into it though as to say anything more would be a spoiler). I could simply be forgetting a cut scene with a window, but I honestly don't recall anything of the sort. I'm sorry. I'll have to play the case again (which isn't really a bad thing since I enjoyed the case). As for Vera knowing about the outside world, she clearly didn't know much. It frightened her too much to go outside and she even cowered when thinking about it. It's stated in the game that their only contact with the outside world was through the mail and I agree that it's unlikely Vera received any mail. She was simply too afraid of everything outside of the studio where she lived. Besides, even if the studio had a window, it doesn't change the fact that having a window doesn't automatically mean that she would look through it. Vera was not a girl longing for the world. She was a girl hiding from it.
Spoiler: 4-4
Bruce Goldberg wrote:
In the Japanese sense, presenting a business card is the first thing to do in order to introduce one's self to the client/person in question. It's similarly the same thing in Western culture. Maybe it's because I was brought up in a Asian society so that's why I'm a little bit picky with that point. Yeah, I can see that the business card would be an easy way to use for notes/paper. But going by the predominantly Japanese interpretation of the game, I do see that Apollo writing something is a bit far-fetched as Japanese do not write anything usually on their business cards as sort of respect to themselves and others. But then again, I'm getting far to picky with this issue.
Well, I suppose that's all the points I wanted to expand and clarify. If you need another person's POV on this issue, don't hesitate to ask.
Well, I suppose that's all the points I wanted to expand and clarify. If you need another person's POV on this issue, don't hesitate to ask.
Really? That's a very interesting fact. I do love to learn new things! You should know though that I don't write my stories to include Japanese cultural references mostly because I don't know them well enough to utilize them well, so any cultural references and customs in my stories will be mostly American as that's where my knowledge base is coming from. My stories do take place in America as in the U.S. localized versions of the games. I do know some basic points from Japanese culture based on anime and a couple classes I've taken, but I just don't know enough to write them into a story in a convincing way. If they happen to slip in, it was most likely done unconsciously or because I feeling particularly (and probably incorrectly <_<) clever at the time I wrote that part. I apologize for that, but I'd rather stick with what I know and can write halfway decently rather then write something I don't know well and use it poorly (and possibly even risk insulting someone). I really am sorry about that, Bruce. I hope you can forgive me. Thank you for the new information though and the comments. They were very helpful and educational which makes me happy. :)
I hope I did a decent job addressing your concerns. If you have any more or if I haven't answered them well enough, please let me know. Thanks again! Comments are always good.
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/3 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Anyway, if I do think of any comments to make (not very likely...), then you'll know where it'll be at :P
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/3 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Bruce Goldberg wrote:
Ahaha, well, I'm sort of good at picking up at the small details in the game which surprises a lot of people when I do say something about it.
Anyway, if I do think of any comments to make (not very likely...), then you'll know where it'll be at :P
Anyway, if I do think of any comments to make (not very likely...), then you'll know where it'll be at :P
That's a good talent to have particularly when writing a fic. I wish I could clearly remember the smaller details. I tend to rely heavily on replaying the game, the information found on CR's main site (case summaries, images of specific things, etc.), and my own memory (which sucks even on my best days
). Please definitely do tell me if things seem off as I want to stay as accurate as possible. Thanks for the help. 
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Special thanks to Franzise for proofing this. :)
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Moving on to a single piece of constructive criticism: the "hands touching while cleaning up" part bothered me a bit, if only because it's a bit of a cliché. I'd recommend being careful about that. You've been good at avoiding clichés so far, though, so I can easily ignore it.
I'll always love you, Max.
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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I definitely do try to keep the clichés to a minimum. I'll be more careful in the future. Thanks again!
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
l o v e l y ~
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I especially love your Apollo/Vera story (and I'm so happy that you updated it!). I think you portray everyones' personalities really well, and I love the relationship that's building between Polly and Vera. You've turned me into a shipper~ And I'm glad you brought two characters from the PW arc into the story, too. I can't wait to read more from you!
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Haruki-yume wrote:
I just wanted to say how much I love your fanfiction! You're a great writer!
I especially love your Apollo/Vera story (and I'm so happy that you updated it!). I think you portray everyones' personalities really well, and I love the relationship that's building between Polly and Vera. You've turned me into a shipper~ And I'm glad you brought two characters from the PW arc into the story, too. I can't wait to read more from you!
I especially love your Apollo/Vera story (and I'm so happy that you updated it!). I think you portray everyones' personalities really well, and I love the relationship that's building between Polly and Vera. You've turned me into a shipper~ And I'm glad you brought two characters from the PW arc into the story, too. I can't wait to read more from you!
You have no idea how happy your review made me. :) The amount of indifference I've received for this chapter is rather painful and more then slightly discouraging. Your words are very reassuring though and they have made me feel much better, so thank you so much. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it. I'll try to stop moping now and get to work on the next chapter so I don't keep you waiting too long. Thank you again!
... And no more whining now. I'm sorry!
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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1) It's Wright, right? Not Wight...Wight Anything Agency? Better make sure you check it again before you post :P
2) As noted before and when I was reading through this chapter, there are a lot of clichés which are used here. Now, I don't mind a few but this chapter had a ridiculous amount of it. Eloquence is the bane of any clichés....
3) I know it's not important but I'd be interested in how Iris would be calling the office instead of Phoenix. I know that Phoenix is that scatterbrained but not to the one he loves I sincerely hope not.
4) You need to progress with Vera a little bit more. I know it's only a minor detail but I do believe that Vera is starting to gain a sense of self-worth hopefully by now. I was slightly expecting Vera to get over the fingernail chewing or the nervousness she has but meh, ignore this if it's not in your drafts...
You did say that you need a bit of grilling to get you motived. Hope that helps you get motived, not de-motivated...
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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As for the clichés, I'll have to go through the chapter later with a friend and see if I can find them so I can kill them all. This chapter may be subject to further editing if it's that bad. :( I'm disappointed with myself, but it's better to know my mistakes then to be oblivious to them. Iris calling has nothing to do with Phoenix being scatterbrained. She simply needed to talk to him and his phone (with the battery held in by tape <_<) wasn't functioning well. I had Apollo comment that she couldn't reach his cell phone so she called the office. I'm debating whether to bring her more into this as originally this was meant to be strictly Apollo/Vera, but I have wanted to do a longer Phoenix/Iris story and simply lacked the ideas, so I might try to do both in this story. ... I promise nothing. :P As for Vera's development... it has only been two days in the story. The first two chapters cover one day and this chapter covers the next day. The next one will occur after a brief time skip because I know well I'll never make any progress if I continue to take three chapters to cover two days, but this part of the story only really worked if I planned it that way. I'm sorry. It'll be different in future updates, but this part of the story had to happen like this. Vera's change had to be shown as happening gradually or it wouldn't be believable. Thanks again for the review!
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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They were all really good. No room for words. You picked the perfect couples for your writing style. I extremely suck at writing in the third person. I can only write in first. "/
Thanks Vickinator!
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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On a completely unrelated note, Vicki made me a beautiful banner for the thread and I love it so much that I must babble about how beautiful it is. :) Everyone should go take a look at her thread because her work is simply incredible. The links are in my sig and on the front page of this thread.
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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I wanna point out some things that Xero Wright missed because I freak out over incorrect grammar and whatnot:
Quote:
It had been two weeks since she her trial ended, and she had been released from the hospital after almost dying of Atroquinine poisoning.
Remove “she” in the first part of the sentence.
Quote:
The outside world was dangerous and as long as she was outside, she was in danger.
Well… dangerous and danger are pretty close to each other, don’t you think? I would replace one of them with something else to avoid repetition.
Quote:
“I'm going to go talk to that woman over there and if she's okay with it, I going to bring her dog over here.”
“I’m going”, not “I going”.
Okay, enough of that. I thought this was a really well-written first chapter. Descriptions were awesome and you did really well with keeping Apollo and Vera in character. I’ll have to make sure to read the other two chapters soon, before the next update.
Also, did Apollo know the owner of Scooter? O_o I don’t remember that being mentioned. It would just seem odd if some random dude walked up to me asking to see my dog temporarily.
My only real gripes about this is the lack of history between the two and descriptions of the characters themselves. I know that most people who have/will read this know what’s happened between the two, and they’ll know what they look like, but still. It’s important to add those kinds of things for the readers, especially in the first chapter.
That's all I have to say for now. :D Keep it up!
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Then i read the Apollo/Vera one, It is SO good! you captured the way that they all act perfectly and now i'm very convinced that they would make a perfect couple! Sooo cute!
I hope that one day I can be as good at writng as you are!
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Thanks for the nice review, vio55. Ack! Grammar mistakes! They're fixed now. Thank you for telling me. :) I clearly need to be more careful. As for your question, Apollo didn't know Scooter's owner, but he explained the situation briefly to her (while playing with Scooter to make sure the dog would be okay with Vera <_<) who agreed to let Apollo take the dog briefly and the dog never left his owner's sight. I know I've let people play with my dog as long as I could see them so I could make sure my dog was okay the whole time and having the owner go over with Apollo would have been too much for Vera to handle so suddenly although I briefly had it written that way before changing it to just having the dog come over. I may go back and make that clearer if it seems strange. As for the lack of character descriptions, I do usually write with the opinion that people know what these characters look like since they are in game characters, but perhaps I should start including descriptions. I'll certainly think about it. Thanks again!
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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I'm sorry I couldn't get to this sooner! My computer... um, exploded, for lack of a better word. So it's hard to find time to get on the internet lately.
Normal nitpicky stuff:
Quote:
Clutching her sketchbook tightly to her chest, Vera began to tremble as Apollo opened the front door to the Wonder Bar, fighting to restrain her panic as the noise of the rowdy crowd drifted through the door. Suddenly the confidence she had managed to build up during the cab ride here with Apollo had vanished to be replaced by intense fear. As she began to tremble, Vera pressed herself close to Apollo's side, taking comfort in his presence.
You say she “began to tremble” twice.
Quote:
Vera hesitated as she considered Apollo's question, nibbling on her fingernail as she thought it over.
You know… didn’t Kristoph blame Apollo for Vera being poisoned, because he was the one who made her bite her nails in the first place? I would think Apollo would show some kind of reaction when she did this. And why would Vera still continue that habit after what happened anyway?
Quote:
“That's good to hear, Apollo.” Phoenix said, a glint of pride reflecting in his eyes.
Comma after “Apollo” not the period.
Quote:
“Why don't you take this too Vera,” he said, handing over the card.
Comma after “too”.
Quote:
It was far more incredible then any picture could ever hope to capture.
“than” not “then”.
Ahh, another great chapter. <3 You keep them in character so well. I just want to hug them both to death. XD Description was fine, though I think more details about the Wonder Bar itself and the magic show could have been expanded on. It was as if Vera, Phoenix, and Apollo were the only ones there. What about the rest of the crowd? And I had no idea what the place looked like at all. Describing the places your characters are in is vital. <3
Not much else to say. O_O Except… I’ll try to get to chapter 3 as soon as possible.
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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I know what you mean about the lack of description at the Wonder Bar. My brain died at that point in the chapter. I racked my imagination, but I just couldn't (and still can't for some reason) seem to picture it well enough to write it so I remained a bit vague in that part. It's no excuse though. I'll keep an eye on that kind of thing. I'm always trying to be better.
vio55 wrote:
Spoiler: 4-4
Spoiler: 4-4
Thanks again for reviewing! <3
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Last edited by Mia_Fey on Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Lloollolologrammarnazi:
Quote:
As the silence stretched on between them, Vera's face flushed to an even deeper red and she began to nibble on fingernail as she waited for Apollo's response.
“on a fingernail” not “on fingernail” :P
Quote:
Nodding timidly, Vera moved aside and watched with wide-eyes as he began to remove the stain with a surprising ease thanks to the spray.
I don’t see a need for the hyphen in “wide-eyes”… o_o It’d be fine as “wide eyes”
Quote:
Twisting round to face the door, Apollo's eyes widened in surprise as he saw Vera peeking through the half open door.
“around” not “round”
Quote:
“I-I j-just wa-nt-ed to ch-eck on y-you,” Vera's voice trembled as she spoke.
Period, not comma. :C Saying Vera’s voice was trembling doesn’t really indicate she was talking… It’d be correct if it read “Vera said, her voice trembling as she spoke”, though… I hope you get what I’m saying… xD I suck at explaining things.
Quote:
With a soft voice, but surprisingly steady voice, Vera greeted the girl. “Hi. I'm Vera Misham. It's nice to meet you.”
Eh. No need to repeat “voice.” It’d be fine as “With a soft but surprisingly steady voice, Vera greeted the girl.”
Hmm. I was confused as to where Apollo and Vera were at the beginning of the chapter. I know it said that Apollo took her to the Wright Anything Agency, but then I was confused as to why all her painting stuff was there… and I thought they were at Vera’s house. Unless you think it’s just me being stupid (which I think it is :P), I’d… make it less confusing, I guess.
Another cute chapter… I’m starting to like this pairing more and more. :3 Expect to see me again when chapter four comes out.
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
The Potatoe's NOT a lie!! *cheers*
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 5/29 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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And I inputted a small segment of clarification into the story itself where you suggested I put it, vio55. Hopefully that makes things better. Thanks for the help!
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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And I got a laugh out of Trucy's eagerness to get to the magic shop. It reminds me of Ema's enthusiasm with science when she was that age. Very cute.
I'll always love you, Max.
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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chapter 4 of beginnings:
Quote:
As the electronic doors slid open, Vera took a shaky breath and pulled her sketch book to her chest.
You've put "sketch book" as one word in previous chapters. Keep everything consistent. :C
Quote:
“Yes, let's go inside. I want to go with you guys.” Vera said quietly, glancing over at Trucy. “Please?”
Comma after "guys" not period.
Quote:
"All right then,” Trucy smiled brightly, clapping her hands together excitedly.
Period after "then", not the comma. Saying Trucy "smiled brightly" does not indicate talking and can't be associated with the first part of the sentence. I think I explained this in my last review, too. :P
Quote:
All that time working with Trucy, Pearl, and especially Apollo had not been wasted.
Working with Pearl? Didn't she only meet Pearl at the end of the last chapter? That doesn't make sense to me.
Quote:
As her thoughts turned the young defense attorney, Vera could feel the beginnings of a smile stretch across her face.
Err. The second part of the sentence sounds very... awkward. It might sound better as "...attorney, Vera could feel a smile beginning to stretch across her face."
Quote:
Although she was doing alright without him by her side today, she was surprised by how much she missed having him near her.
Is it "all right" or "alright"? I've seen both quite a few times in this chapter. Keep it consistent... o.o.o.o.o.o.o
Quote:
“You just seemed off... “ Pearl commented, her voice trailing off.
Vera isn't the only one that's "off"... so is that second quotation mark.
Quote:
Although she couldn't understand what was going on between Phoenix and Iris, Vera could sense that there was more going on there then met the eye, no matter what they claimed.
"than" not "then"
- x -
All righty, enough of that.
I understand that Pearl is older now, right...? You never explained how she looks. I really doubt she has that same hair style. It seems a bit kiddish, and I couldn't really picture her right. Some description would have been nice.
I've noticed that you're adding some Phoenix/Iris in there... and quite frankly, I'm not surprised. XD But I'll say I'm glad you're not adding them in for the hell of it. It actually is pretty useful in this chapter.
Characterization is spot-on, as always.
Only a few more chapters of the story, huh? Well, I can't wait to see what you have in store for this couple, then. :3 Hope this review helped.
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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All innocent-like! Ohhh, youth. Like the scent of fresh lemons! LOL!But I wonder about Pearl addressing Feenie as "Nick" now. I don't know.....I mean, this is just how I think but, somehow "Mr. Nick" seems to still stick itself in my mind even if Pearl's 16 now. Well that's just my opinion. =/ Nothing special.
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
Where's Pikachu? ...I mean Wally!
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Can't wait till the next chapter...or the last? It's really great!
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Finding Mr.Wright - Phoenix/Maya
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Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
True love is forever.
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General Luigi wrote:
This chapter came off to me as having a much more lighthearted tone than the previous chapters, which makes sense, given the setting--just a casual outing. I'm guessing you've tied Beginnings into your oneshots about Phoenix and Iris. Understandable. All of my fan fictions are connected to others regarding the series they're from. Looking deeper, you did a good job at keeping Vera in character. I imagine someone like her would be quite fascinated by everything she saw after getting past her xenophobia.
And I got a laugh out of Trucy's eagerness to get to the magic shop. It reminds me of Ema's enthusiasm with science when she was that age. Very cute.
And I got a laugh out of Trucy's eagerness to get to the magic shop. It reminds me of Ema's enthusiasm with science when she was that age. Very cute.
Thank you! The tone was intended to be lighter in this chapter as I wanted to transition from Vera's traumatic past to the development of her feelings for Apollo (and as you point out, it's just a fun day out for the girls. :P ). She's learning to stand on her own without Apollo's aide and her feelings are changing from a dependence on him for strength to ever growing feelings of affection which will become love in time (which is starting to happen by this point).
And, like you, I try never to contradict myself when I write. Although it's definitely not necessary to have read all my fics to understand the others, those events I've written about in my fics have all happened in my mind and my stories take that into consideration. I do mess up from time to time, but I try to be careful. Trucy's fun to write. I'm pleased that you enjoyed her antics. :) Thank you again for the kind words.
vio55 wrote:
Working with Pearl? Didn't she only meet Pearl at the end of the last chapter? That doesn't make sense to me.
This is actually two weeks after the last chapter, so she has had more time to get to know Pearl, but I see why you reached that conclusion. It wasn't phrased clearly enough, so I tried to fix it. Thanks!
vio55 wrote:
All righty, enough of that.
I understand that Pearl is older now, right...? You never explained how she looks. I really doubt she has that same hair style. It seems a bit kiddish, and I couldn't really picture her right. Some description would have been nice.
I've noticed that you're adding some Phoenix/Iris in there... and quite frankly, I'm not surprised. XD But I'll say I'm glad you're not adding them in for the hell of it. It actually is pretty useful in this chapter.
Characterization is spot-on, as always. *needs to find something new to say*
Only a few more chapters of the story, huh? Well, I can't wait to see what you have in store for this couple, then. :3 Hope this review helped.
I understand that Pearl is older now, right...? You never explained how she looks. I really doubt she has that same hair style. It seems a bit kiddish, and I couldn't really picture her right. Some description would have been nice.
I've noticed that you're adding some Phoenix/Iris in there... and quite frankly, I'm not surprised. XD But I'll say I'm glad you're not adding them in for the hell of it. It actually is pretty useful in this chapter.
Characterization is spot-on, as always. *needs to find something new to say*
Only a few more chapters of the story, huh? Well, I can't wait to see what you have in store for this couple, then. :3 Hope this review helped.
I always forget that my readers aren't in my head and therefore can't see how I'm picturing things. I need to work on that a lot. Some more description was added to Chapter 3 where a description didn't seem quite so awkward. Long story short, she has shoulder length hair which she now wears down (She mentions at one point in 2-2 that she wants to grow her hair out like Maya, but that was a child's desire to mimic the cousin she loves so I split the idea. She has longer hair then before, but not like Maya's).
And yeah, the Phoenix/Iris pairing does seem to work itself into everything I write. :P I enjoyed that part, but as you mention I did it because I felt it was necessary to the chapter. I was trying to think about how Vera would best understand a concept like love and I decided that she would learn best through example, so I decided to give her one. It's true that technically any couple could have worked for that part, but I really love that particular pairing for Phoenix and I wanted to keep this story consistent with my oneshots, so that's how that part came about. :P I'm really happy that you think it worked okay.
There will likely only be a couple more chapters unless something changes. I rarely write longer stories and, as much fun as I'm having with this fic, I'm tiring quickly.
Arti_Rei wrote:
You know how cute it is how Vera uses the term "special someone"? All innocent-like! Ohhh, youth. Like the scent of fresh lemons! LOL!
But I wonder about Pearl addressing Feenie as "Nick" now. I don't know.....I mean, this is just how I think but, somehow "Mr. Nick" seems to still stick itself in my mind even if Pearl's 16 now. Well that's just my opinion. =/ Nothing special.
All innocent-like! Ohhh, youth. Like the scent of fresh lemons! LOL!But I wonder about Pearl addressing Feenie as "Nick" now. I don't know.....I mean, this is just how I think but, somehow "Mr. Nick" seems to still stick itself in my mind even if Pearl's 16 now. Well that's just my opinion. =/ Nothing special.
Vera's too adorable. I'm so happy that you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you for the wonderful review. As for "Nick" vs. "Mr. Nick," Mr. or Ms. *insert first name* has always been something that I've seen younger children do when they are trying to be formal hence why Pearl used it when she first met him. Still, I've never seen someone over the age of ten address someone like that. That doesn't mean it can't happen, but it's not something I've ever seen or can truly picture. By ten or older, people tend to be addressed by their last name when being formal and first name when being informal. After seven years, I can't see Pearl getting more formal and Maya uses Nick so in my mind Pearl adopts "Nick". Of course, you're free to disagree. That is simply my reasoning. Thanks again for the kind words. :)
Ace Attorney Rimmer wrote:
I really liked reading your new chapter Mia, I think the others have spoken on what I would of said, looking forward to the final chapters of this story :).
Thank you so much! That makes me very happy to hear. :)
Missile123 wrote:
Just read chapter4! It was really good, it's great how slowly throughout the chapters Vera's feelings have gotten stronger rather than her suddenly realising out of the blue.
Can't wait till the next chapter...or the last? It's really great!
Can't wait till the next chapter...or the last? It's really great!
Thank you so much! Your kindness is very encouraging. :)
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
Sig and Avie created by awesome Vicki!!
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Sorry I haven't reviewed your stories. I've been faithful in reading, but not responding
Anyway, I do especially like your Apollo/Vera story. It's especially sweet, and I'm eager to see your conclusion to it. I, myself, actually have an... interesting idea for this pairing (don't I always? lol). It would have two parts to it: one would be their growth to becoming a more or less "offical couple" and the second part is actually a turnabout case that has to do with a part in Vera's past that piqued my interest when I played the game...
Well, enough about my stuff! More about yours!
I would have to agree with your interpretation of 'Nick' or 'Mr. Nick'. While it was cute when she was younger, Pearl is now 16; I have a feeling that she'd be more inclined to simply use 'Nick' because perhaps she wants to be older. You seem to have made Pearl mature (ie, she's not openly complaining about Maya/Nick anymore), so I think 'Nick' is just fine.
I like your interpretation of how Vera is learning about love. After all, her mother left her father, so she obviously never truly saw any real example of 'romantic love'. I found it cute how you sneaked in Nick/Iris in there... quite adorable
It's funny that you mentioned her looking at dresses... I just finished spriting Vera in different outfits! One is an outfit more similar to Alita's (without the wings) and another is actually a very simple kimono! If I ever get that darn photobucket account, I'd show you... 
I'm currently listening to Tuesday Morning by Michelle Branch. I think these certain lyrics fit:
Spoiler: For Space
I'm hoping in the next chapter, you'll explain Apollo's feelings for Vera.
NEW:V-Day Drabbles! | Flawless Achievement | These Wounds Can Heal | When the Wall Crumbles
Daughter of Xero and Mystic Mina. Sister of Lana & Ulala
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
Weeeeeee!!!!!
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Quote:
“Do you want to?” Trucy asked cautiously...
I'm not sure if that is the correct way of saying it. My grammar isn't perfect but I would think "Are you sure?" would be a better phrase here?
Quote:
All that time working with Trucy, Pearl, and especially Apollo had not been wasted.
Err. As with vio, you did restructure it but it's still a bit too vague here. I do suggest something like "Working with Trucy, Pearl and especially Apollo over the past 2 weeks were definitely not wasted." And you did say that it was 2 weeks since they last met.
Quote:
As she passed one window, the display in a large dress shop caught her eye.
Hmm, I'm not sure how to go about this sentence. What was on display exactly?
Quote:
When she failed to see them there, she suddenly became very aware of how alone she was.
I would replace the last part with "...she suddenly became aware of the loneliness/unfamilarity surrounding her." But depends on you.
Quote:
Mentally forcing back the panic...
You've been using this phrase a lot...
Quote:
Think about it. Music, dancing, and him...
Should rewrite this as "The music, the dancing and...him."
Quote:
Shaking her head firmly in an attempt to clear it, Vera mumbled under her breath thoughtfully.
Instead of mumbling, whispering would a better way of conveying it...
Anyway, that's all the anal grammar and idiosyncrasies with it. It's a good piece and I'm definitely inspired to finish the fanfics but rewritten in a different way...
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
True love is forever.
Gender: Female
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:55 am
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I have a couple ideas on that front to play with and develop).And Bruce, I'm not currently in a position to make those corrections (I'm traveling), but I'll look into it when I get back. I'm really sorry that you aren't enjoying the story (and that it's not a good one in your opinion), but thank you for the review.
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
Phoenix + Iris Forever
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You're a great writer, Mia_Fey! I loved reading your stories!
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
JRF
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Yet this PWNZ! them all. 'Nuff said.
You make
/ 
my new OTP (yet I still ship Feenris for the heck of it! )Mind adding some fluff for moi in later chapters?
Meine Familie (My family) :
(Mutter/Mother) : NaturallyLazy
(Vater/Father) : Phoenix_Apollo
(Schwester/Sister) : fatalfeline
(Bruder/Brother) : Game_Over
(Frau zu sein/ Wife to be) : Jade
(Mutter/Mother) : NaturallyLazy
(Vater/Father) : Phoenix_Apollo
(Schwester/Sister) : fatalfeline
(Bruder/Brother) : Game_Over
(Frau zu sein/ Wife to be) : Jade
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
True love is forever.
Gender: Female
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:55 am
Posts: 2182
And JadeRoach, you want more fluff? I-I've never had a request for more fluff. In fact I usually have to hold myself back so that my love for fluff doesn't get out of control (I'm so very sappy :P). It will be my pleasure. *Adds notation for more fluffiness to story checklist* :)
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
Weeeeeee!!!!!
Gender: Male
Location: Back to making donuts and slides everywhere...
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Mia_Fey wrote:
I-I've never had a request for more fluff. In fact I usually have to hold myself back so that my love for fluff doesn't get out of control (I'm so very sappy :P). It will be my pleasure. *Adds notation for more fluffiness to story checklist* :)
Then do it! I'm sure everyone here wants it!
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
Vera's such a teddy bear
Gender: Female
Rank: Suspect
Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:38 pm
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You've actually inspired me to write my own Vera (excluding Apollo, sadly. I don't work too well with pairings) fanfic. It's not that good, which I shouldn't be saying.
If you want, I can PM you what I've started so far.Brava, once again! ^.^
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 6/25 with an Apollo/Vera fic)
True love is forever.
Gender: Female
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:55 am
Posts: 2182
Edit: Bruce's corrections have been made to the fourth chapter of "Beginnings." :) Sorry it took so long.
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Re: Mia_Fey's fanfiction (Updated 7/30- Phoenix/Iris)
True love is forever.
Gender: Female
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:55 am
Posts: 2182
So, anyone paying attention to the Phoenix/Iris thread will have noticed the drabbles being posted there for what has been dubbed "Feenris Week." Since I wrote a few, I figured I'd clean mine up and post them here as well. DahliaxKristoph kindly did the the dirty work here and proofed this for me, so she gets a special thank you. :) The remaining ones will be posted here when they are finished. I actually also have something brand new written and when it's ready I'll post that as well.
For those wondering about "Beginnings," I swear that the next chapter is coming. I'm dealing with some minor writer's block and then I got a bit distracted with this new stuff, but I am still working on it.
Reviews are always appreciated.
Proud Supporter of Phoenix/Iris, Ron/Dessie, Klavier/Ema, and Apollo/Vera
Fanfics Updated-12/25
Fanfics Updated-12/25
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