“S-Sis…?” I didn’t understand back then why I felt so sad, why I felt as if my innards were freezing up. It felt…cold, so cold, colder than training under that waterfall for two hours.
She just stood there, staring into the midst. Sis was holding something, in a clenched fist pressed close to her chest.
“Sis?” I repeated, a little scared now. “…Where’s Momma?”
She just shook her head, and chuckled softly the way she always did when I had done something stupid. It was almost reassuring, though the forced expression upon her face betrayed how hurt she was.
“Momma’s…going to be away for a while,” Mia said softly. “You don’t need to be scared, Maya. I’ll take care of you.”
She turned around and kneeled down so that we were face to face. Her smile was gentle, and her free hand was warm as she wiped away a trailing tear on my cheek. I tried my best to smile back, but my frozen face wouldn’t respond. Instead, I asked the question that had been confusing me for so long.
“Sis…Why are you crying?” My voice shook slightly as I realised what I’d just said. I clapped my hands over my mouth, how could I make outbursts like that? Aunt Morgan had gotten upset once when I’d asked similar questions. Would Mia be mad too?
She didn’t respond, and instead picked me up and placed me upon her shoulders.
“It’s getting chilly out here, why don’t we go inside, eh?” It was as if she’d never heard my question. I felt a slight jolt as she deliberately rose up playfully.
“You’ve always liked piggybacks huh, Maya?”
But I had wanted to stay out there, stay out there and let my cheeks be stung by the whistling wind, listen to it howl like an injured wolf separated from its pack, the same way my heart ached, in need of reassurance. I wanted to stay, and wait for Momma to come home.
The fragile paper doors slid shut behind us, and Sis placed me down on the wooden floorboards. She stared at me for a moment, as though considering something, and then kneeled down to be level with me once more.
“Here,” she said softly and pressed the object she had been holding into my hands. She pressed my fingers over it. “You should take this, I think you would look after it better than me.”
Huh? Had Sis gone crazy? I knew for a fact that the reason why Aunt Morgan occasionally would smack me was because I lost things constantly. Why would she give me anything to look after? I uncurled the fist to reveal a magatama. It glowed dully - its spiritual power seemed to have drained away. It was dark green…and it was still warm. I glanced up, shocked. This had belonged to…!
“Sis, isn’t this…?!” The words wouldn’t come. It was strange, I couldn’t bring myself to even mention her.
“Take care of it, Maya. It’s important.” She straightened up and took me by my free hand. “I’m sure you’ll find a use for it one day.”
***
Two days passed, a week, maybe three. I’d lost count. It was a bit hard, really, since I’d only learnt to count up to ten back then. And I’d sort of forgotten how many days there were in a week. After spirit medium training, I would always walk over to the main door to sit, and wait. For the familiar clank of Momma’s jewelled staff be set down whenever she stopped walking and lean against it. For the amused laugh upon seeing my silhouette behind the paper door, and the voice which jokingly said, “knock, knock”.
It always took a while for Sis to persuade me to go to dinner. I’d been scared of accidentally missing Momma at the door in case she returned and insisted multiple times that I eat right there. But Sis always had some way of convincing me, be it that it was burgers night, (no matter how much it annoyed Aunt Morgan) or that Momma would’ve been much happier to walk in seeing us sitting all together, like the happy family she’d always wanted us to be.
A year slowly crawled by. I remember that a year had passed, since we went to the new year festival. Sis bought me a blue steel samurai ball that I still treasure today. Aunt Morgan even allowed me to buy some new purple beads to hang in my hair. But it still didn’t feel the same without Momma.
Finally, one night, a few days after Mia had started school, I asked her.
“Sis, when’s Momma coming home?”
I remembered how the grip on one of those foreign “pencil things” stiffened, and how the gray pointy stuff that wrote words broke and sprinkled powder over the parchment she was writing on. I was scared, thinking I must have messed my wording up and had done something else wrong. I waited there silently. She finally turned, a blank expression upon her face. It didn’t suit her usually sharp and thoughtful gaze.
“I’m not sure.” She suddenly said, her voice as hollow and dead as a rotting tree trunk. Her whole body shook, and she looked away in shame. Then her hands suddenly clenched into fists.
“Why…Why did she even leave in the first place? Leave us behind…whilst she’s trying to escape from…what? I don’t know!” She raked a hand through her chestnut hair in frustration and pulled on it as if trying to remove it from her head. “I don’t know…I don’t know anything about why she left…how…she felt then… She could’ve chosen to stay…We would’ve tried to help! Tried to understand.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“She could’ve stayed,” she repeated, her eyes full of tears.
My heart was in my throat. I had never seen Sis in such despair. I didn’t know what else to do, and ran over to her for a hug. Her head rested against my shoulder silently as she too wrapped my hands around me. Soon, her chest was no longer heaving, and her gasps were back to relaxed breathing.
“But you’re gonna help her, Sis, aren’t you? You’re studying to become a ‘Lar-wer’!” I screwed up my face in concentration at the unfamiliar word. “You’re bringing her back to us!”
I heard Mia laugh, the first time she’d laughed in many, many days. She looked at me, dimples in her cheeks as she smiled. Just then, I felt a flare of hope in myself, something that melted through the icicles of anguish. This meant that I was right, Sis was doing something to help! And I knew that she would succeed. I patted her shoulder with my tiny hand, trying to sound all-important for what I was about to say.
“Don’t worry, Sis! You go ahead and become a ‘Lar-wer’ and I’ll do my best to help you!” I leapt from her arms, wobbled over to the work table and enthusiastically grabbed the broken “pencil”. “I could write this thingy up right now!”
My feet suddenly left the floor as she drew me close again, and kissed me quietly on the cheek.
“No, Maya.” She said gently. “Leave all that complicated stuff to me. All you need to do is be there when I need you.”
“Th-that’s all?” I was aware I was blushing, but couldn’t seem to find the reason why.
“Oh, and don’t forget what I’ve always told you.” She smiled. “I want you to be brave and smile no matter how bad it gets.”
“Like this?” I stretched my mouth as wide as it could get and giggled as Mia tickled me playfully. Feeling very accomplished inside, I hugged her back. Sis had given me an important job! And I knew better than to fail it.
That was what I’d thought back then.
***
You see, that is exactly why, as I lifted a shaking hand to draw back a curl of her hair to see her pale face, as I heard an unfamiliar male voice yell out in horror, as I stared at her unmoving body, that I had felt the two halves of my heart being torn slowly apart.
Sis had given me a job, a simple task. To stay by her side, and be with her whenever she needed me.
Such a simple task, one that I had not achieved, and would never get a second chance to attempt again.
I watched as Mia’s blue magatama gave its last feeble glow before dying out, freezing into useless stone, and thought I saw a spark of green briefly flashing from my own pocket.