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Turnabout Brothers - Chapter 1Topic%20Title

Gender: Female

Location: Belgium

Rank: Desk Jockey

Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:14 pm

Posts: 93

Welcome to my first fanfic: Turnabout Brothers

So, this is my first fanfic, which is supposed to become a multiple chapter story. I'm still working on it, so I decided to post the first chapter here. Hopefully I'll be able complete some more (if school would give me the time, at least...)
You might have already guessed that the two main characters are Kristoph and Klavier Gavin, so if you haven't played AJ, you should probably wait. It might contain spoilers!
Before I start rambling, I'll just post chapter 1 here...
(please tell me if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes, English is my second language, so I'm sure you'll find some... tell me what you like and even more important: what you don't like, it means a lot to me.

Spoiler: Chapter 1
When he opened his eyes, the room was dark. He blinked as his eyes started to adjust and he could now see different forms inside the room. Carefully he stood up. His knees felt so weak, that he had to grab hold of the chair besides him, to keep him from falling. A strange scent filled the air and made his stomach turn as he recognized it. Blood. It seemed to be everywhere: on the floor, the walls and… his hands. His shirt was drenched with it, and stuck to his chest. He felt a burning pain in his right hand. But the only thing that came to mind, was to find a way to get out of this place.
He made his way to the other side of the room, and finally after what seemed hours, found a doorknob. As he turned it, he pushed against the door with all his weight, which almost caused him to fall into the other room. A faint light was coming from between two curtains. He walked towards the light, pulled open the curtains, and almost closed them again when a bright light blinded him.

Suddenly he felt a presence in the room, the feeling had been creeping up on him for a while now, making his blood freeze in his veins. He turned around, not knowing what the presence would be, but what he saw then, blew his mind and was a lot scarier than he had dared to imagine.

On the floor, to his right, lay a man. The man seemed to be bathing in his own blood, his body so terribly mingled that he barely looked like a human. Besides him lay a knife, the purpose it had had was quiet obvious. He walked towards the body, knelt down beside it, and turned the body on his back. Two dead and broken eyes stared straight into his. The face of the man had been left unharmed. He knew that he had met the man before, but could not remember his name.
Trembling he stood up, wondering what was happening to him, where he was and for that matter, who he was. He walked around the body, trying not to slip in the pool of blood on the ground, towards the door. As he pushed him open, he felt a cool breeze, followed by warm sunlight. He stepped out into the open and found himself standing on the porch of an old house, which seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.
Suddenly a familiar tune broke the silence and he felt an annoying buzz against his leg. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone. As he put the thing next to his ear, he heard a soft and kind voice.

“Kristoph, where are you? I’ve tried to reach you over and over, are you okay…?”
“We’ve been worried sick…”

Kristoph seemed to be watching this all from a distance, as if it wasn’t really him standing there. Everything started to turn black, as he dropped the mobile phone and felt his head hit the porch. Somewhere, far away he heard sirens ring, but slowly that sound too, faded away.


Spoiler: After you read this...
To avoid any other confusion: Kristoph is about 16 or 17 now. It will become clear in following chapters!


Last edited by ProsecutorPressley on Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Turnabout Brothers - Chapter 1Topic%20Title
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The Trusty Nudal!

Gender: Male

Location: Utopia

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2009 2:35 am

Posts: 695

I can't comment on too much, since you only have the first chapter, but I'm really liking what I'm seeing so far. Good job!

My only crit would be to have the chapters a little bit longer.

Also...
Spoiler: AJ spoilers
When does this take place? Shouldn't Kristoph be in jail?

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Re: Turnabout Brothers - Chapter 1Topic%20Title

Gender: Female

Location: Belgium

Rank: Desk Jockey

Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:14 pm

Posts: 93

nudalman wrote:
Also...
Spoiler: AJ spoilers
When does this take place? Shouldn't Kristoph be in jail?


Yeah, sorry about that, I should have been more specific. This will become clear in the next chapters, but for now...
Spoiler:
It takes place well before AJ, Kristoph is about 16 or 17. Somewhere in Germany.

I did want to make it longer, but the next chapter which I would like to make the other half of this chapter, still needs some editing... I'm hoping I can get it cleared up this week... :phoenix:
Re: Turnabout Brothers - Chapter 1Topic%20Title
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Mrs. Jeon Jungkook ♥

Gender: Female

Location: Austria

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:38 pm

Posts: 1230

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! :godot:

I can't wait to read more! -- And I don't have critism, well that's only the first chapter. But it looks like really awesome.

I wish you good luck and fun to write more chapters (:

The beginning was quite fun, just with all the ups and downs
But suddenly, we’re tired, from a waste of meaningless emotions

시작은 뭐 즐거웠었네 오르락내리락 그 자체로 어느새 서로 지쳐버렸네 의미 없는 감정소모에

Trivia 轉 : Seesaw
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