Board index » Present Evidence » Present Testimony

Page 9 of 69[ 2726 posts ]
Go to page Previous  1 ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 ... 69  Next

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

You know, a Mario game!

Gender: Male

Location: Canada, eh?

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:05 pm

Posts: 1957

I give up. I'm having too hard of a time thinking of stuff for the characters to say. The fic is very repetitive, so I don't really have a whole lot to work with. I could post what I have already finished if you really want to see it, but it really pales in comparison to your guys' stuff. How do you guys do it?!
My let's Play channel! Shameless plug!
Current Project: Sly Cooper & The Thievius Racoonus
My Twitter Account
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:
@Pessimistic I'd like to see what you've gotten down so far on "Word of the Day", actually, but I'll read it after I'm finished with my first part.

I didn't get that far, only a couple sentences in, in fact. the last usable bit was after "His index finger tapping impatiently against his arm".
Should I send it to you via pm?

Also, could we perhaps make a collective post to see who is working on what?

For a start, I am still working on "Following the Law" as well as "phoenix wright - evil continues". Unless the latter was also pre-claimed by someone else. Could everyone repost and add their own current projects?

PM is fine.

I'm doing "Word of the Day". I only have one sporking in progress, as I'd rather not get mixed up among them as I go along.

dimentiorules wrote:
I give up. I'm having too hard of a time thinking of stuff for the characters to say. The fic is very repetitive, so I don't really have a whole lot to work with. I could post what I have already finished if you really want to see it, but it really pales in comparison to your guys' stuff. How do you guys do it?!

D: Don't give up! If you need help with a sporking, you could ask someone like me for suggestions on how to improve it until you're ready to deliver it to the public.

Well, if you really don't want to keep working on it, you could pass a link to it to let someone else give it a shot. I have one already, and I believe I'll be stuck on it for a while, so I'll have to pass on another sporking for now. I don't mind editing someone else's, though.
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT CRASHED AND LOST TWO AND HALF CHAPTERS WORTH OF SPORKING!! :beef: Okay, let's start this over. At least it gives me the opportunity to rewrite some of the jokes... *sigh* I put Gumshoe in it originally but ultimately I kept forgetting he was there, so...

I'm going to rate this :sahwit: :sahwit: :sahwit: :sahwit: It's not badly-written but oh boy is it disturbing.

Today's sporkers are...
Miles Edgeworth!
:edgeworth: "Oh no."
Phoenix Wright!
:nick: "Edgeworth's being punished, they said. We need you to keep him sane, they said. What about my sanity?"

[We open up in our sporking theatre, where Phoenix Wright is already seated.]

Phoenix: (It's kind of weird to be in here all alone... I know Edgeworth's supposed to be in here, but is it just the two of us?) *notices script, picks it up* Hmm... "Breathing Is A Necessity" by BringTheHawt... that sounds ominous. *flips through the first couple pages* ... *goes pale, throws script into another row*

[The theatre doors open and Miles Edgeworth is thrown - literally thrown - unceremoniously in.]

Edgeworth: Ggngh...! I can walk, you know! *gets up* Wright, do you have any idea what we're doing here?

Phoenix: Uh, no.

Edgeworth: *sighs, takes his seat*

Speakers: For your information, Miles Edgeworth, you are here to receive your punishment for all of your misbehaving during Law Plus Chaos.

Edgeworth: ...misbehaving? I sporked the entire thing!

Speakers: Yes. You did. However, you broke the rules an unacceptable amount and even attempted to escape at one point. You're almost more trouble than you're worth.

Edgeworth: In that case, release me!

Speakers: Do you know what the word "almost" means?

Phoenix: Um... are we supposed to have anyone else in here?

Speakers: Er, there was a change of plans. You two are on your own.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Joy.

[The lights dim.]

Edgeworth: If this is something they chose specifically to punish me... I feel afraid, Wright.

Phoenix: Yeah...

It was a ridiculous little ploy: Damon insisting Edgeworth whore himself for the police department's ... "cooperation" in persecuting criminals.

Edgeworth: .........

Phoenix: So, uh, I guess you can see where this going.

Edgeworth: Unfortunately.

A silver brow quirked upward at the rather pitiful threat.

"Tell me, honestly, Chief Gant. Do you take yourself, seriously?"

Phoenix: Maybe we can focus instead on the overabundance of commas.

Edgeworth: Somehow, I don't think that strategy will last very long.

Damon procured his trademark smile, wide and ridiculous.

"Now now, Worthy," with one large step forward, "I'm only looking for any excuse to fuck you. And, trust me," as fingers roughly took Edgeworth's chin, tilting the other's face toward his, "you don't want me seeking out ways to hurt you, your career, your friends, out of spite."

Both: ...

Edgeworth: Why is it always me in fics like these?

Phoenix: I guess that's just what happens when you're a fan-favorite.

Edgeworth: ...don't you occasionally top me in polls?

Phoenix: Um...

Speakers: Don't worry, Phoenix Wright. We're sure we can find a similar fic that stars you.

Phoenix: This is your fault, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I'm not the one who made a comment about popularity.

Speakers: And stop breaking the fourth wall.

"Hn." A moment ago, Edgeworth would have sneered an insult. But, a moment ago, Gant was standing more than three feet away from him, not touching his face. The kind of effect proximity had on the situation was quite remarkable. Too close, now. At this range Edgeworth could literally feel the weight of Gant's possessive stare on his flesh.

"It's your fault, anyway," Gant decided, sliding his thumb across Miles' pale lower lip, "far too pretty."

Phoenix: ... *snickers*

Edgeworth: ...I think I'm having flashbacks to "pretty pretty prosecutor".

Phoenix: I can't believe you still remember that.

Edgeworth pulled from the other's grasp in a very quick motion.

"My fault. Of course."

The prosecutor decided not to let the situation fall entirely out of his control. There was more than enough room to maneuver. Damon was lusting for him, after all. Edgeworth could use that.

"Do you really think-"

"-Take off your pants, Gant," Edgeworth interrupted.

Edgeworth: ........

Phoenix: Um, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: What.

Phoenix: I think the situation fell entirely out of your control.

Edgeworth: Yes, I noticed, thank you.

That caused the police chief to pause. Wondering if that's what he heard, wondering if that's what he wanted to hear, wondering if what he may have heard was true.

A sly smile as Edgeworth titled his head. That dumbstruck look suited Gant, he decided.

"Unless you expect me to pleasure you with them on," to alleviate the doubt that usurped Gant's mind.

Phoenix: Is this actually happening?

Edgeworth: I have a new question. Why is it always Gant in fics like these?

Phoenix: I think he traumatized a lot of fans... I know he certainly traumatized me.

Edgeworth: At least you didn't have to work with him for several years.

Speakers: The Management would like to request that the two of you stop breaking the fourth wall.

It took nearly a minute for Gant's expression to adopt a smile. Pleased with Edgeworth's sudden compliance, he decided.

He stepped forward, prepared to start ripping the prosecutor's clothes off before a hand firmly pressed against his chest, halting his advance.

"I said, take off your pants, Gant," as Miles' tone and look became steel. And it was the second time. The second time Miles' forwardness surprised him. After a still moment, the police chief roared. Gant made a big show of it, throwing his head back, clapping his hand. Miles' hand dropped, jaw clenched, revealing his annoyance for that uproarious laughter: Loud and full of teeth.

Phoenix: I think this fic is traumatizing me, too.

Edgeworth: I don't see you up there.

Speakers: Yet.

Both: (I should have know they had an ulterior motive...)

"That confidence, you're feigning ..." he unleashed an amused snort before continuing, "so well-versed from all that courtroom foreplay you've entertained juries with." Damon eyed the younger man and licked his upper lip. Still smiling. "But there's no jury here, Worthy. Only me, and I'm not convinced."

Internally, Edgeworth felt his will quiver. On the surface, no change in his own expression. Any sign of weakness may arouse Gant's desire for dominance, and that ... Well. Edgeworth had no desire to struggle underneath Damon's supreme lust. By challenging Gant's authority, he was protecting himself.

Phoenix: How the heck are you "protecting" yourself here?

Edgeworth: ...what? Sorry, I was distracted by the fact that it says "courtroom foreplay" up there.

Phoenix: Huh?? it does.

"Don't oblige me, then. I'll be returning to the Prosecution's Office ... inform me when you find a legitimate piece of blackmail," turning toward the entrance, "Hollow threats aren't effective outside of poorly-scripted pornography, you see."

Phoenix: The fic has become self-aware! Run, Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: Very funny, Wright. That's exactly why I'm in here in the first place.

Phoenix: Oh, right. ...meanwhile, I'm in here because of you.

Edgeworth: If you're expecting an apology, go ask for one from the people who actually put you in here.

A quick movement and Gant held Miles' wrist, preventing escape, though the touch was gentle and inoffensive. Miles glanced over his shoulder, "Do it."

Gant's hands moved to his own belt, offering a small smile as he unfastened it. Edgeworth had, unintentionally, revealed something that truly, truly pleased the police chief. If the prosecutor wasn't cooperating due to Damon's little threat, then Edgeworth wanted sex. The chief was just as pleased with the thought of an eager, sexually-frustrated partner as he was a falsely-reluctant "unwilling" whore.

Edgeworth: ... *glaring at screen*

Phoenix: I don't think the fic is going to react, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: *glares at Phoenix instead*

Phoenix: ...

"Is this what you wanted to see, Worthy?" Pushing his pants and boxers downward,

Both: *scream, cover eyes*

[Gant has an abnormally large penis. Edgeworth is impressed, but pretends not to be.]
Gant growled before he lashed out, heatedly, snatching the other's arm. Before Miles could effectively enact any kind of physical or verbal response, he was brutishly slapped into the wall.

"Umphh," he groaned, surprised. Gant was such a powerful beast ...

Edgeworth: Because me having consensual sex with Gant wouldn't have been disturbing enough.

Phoenix: Wasn't he already blackmailing you? Kind of?

Edgeworth: ...true.

[Edgeworth gives Gant a blowjob.]

Phoenix: Speaking of disturbing...

[Edgeworth doesn't like Gant touching his hair, so Gant chokes him.]

Edgeworth: At least that means I stopped doing... distasteful things to him.

Speaker: No, we mean he choked you on his penis.

Edgeworth: ........

Phoenix: I really didn't want that mental image.

[Edgeworth bites Gant's penis.]

Phoenix: ...clean off, I hope.

Edgeworth: Wright...

Phoenix: I refuse to take accountability for what comes out of my mouth in here.

Edgeworth: In here, as in court...?

Phoenix: Oh, shut up.

"What? Don't tell me you're not enjoying this ... " He taunted, pressing a foot between Edgeworth's thighs, massaging the semi-erection he found.

Annoyed by many factors(Damon's accusation, its implications and his inability to verbally respond), Miles bit him again.

Both: ...

Phoenix: I guess Gant can't take a hint.

Edgeworth: Kill me now...

[Gant finishes, which chokes Edgeworth again.]
Course, Gant was too amused, too pleased, at the sight of Miles on his knees, sputtering jizz, to regret not offering the other some kind of warning.

Phoenix: Eww. That was not something I wanted to see.

Edgeworth: Then we are in agreement.

He reached forward to drag Edgeworth's shuddering form onto the bed, on top of Gant's massive body.

Phoenix: Where did the bed come from?

Edgeworth: I assume it was there the whole time... but why exactly was I alone with Damon Gant of all people in a place with a bed in the first place...?

Phoenix: Or alone with Damon Gant in general.

Edgeworth: This fic would have been so much more tolerable if Gant had killed me and the remaining chapters were you running around solving my murder.

Phoenix: Oh, very funny, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: (I was being serious.)

The smaller man, still coughing, got onto all fours to prevent himself from lying across Damon's chest. He was a tad too pissed to adopt such an affectionate position with the cocky beast, though the police chief grabbed his hips, possessively. When Edgeworth could inhale comfortably, he glared at Gant's smiling face beneath him, before smacking his curled knuckles across the other's face.

Edgeworth: That is the least threatening description of a punch I have ever seen.

Phoenix: Which means it's probably pretty accurate.

Edgeworth: are sitting right next to me. I can demonstrate on you if I so choose.

Phoenix: Please, not the face.

"I counted two attempts to kill me, you ridiculous bastard," he hissed, "Breathing is a necessity. Sucking your cock, is not."

Edgeworth: That was not a very subtle title drop.

Phoenix: This fic has a chapter called "Smack Me with the Desklamp", though...

Edgeworth: exactly do you know this?

Phoenix: ...

Gant, being composed entirely of beef and boulders,

Phoenix: Look, another mental image I didn't want.

Edgeworth: This entire fic is mental images we don't want.

didn't even flinch at the attack. Instead, he blinked, disturbingly silent. After an uncomfortable moment, he smiled.

"So hard to take your comments seriously with my cum dribbling down your chin, Worthy."

Miles, furious, wiped his face with the back of his own hand before attempting to crawl off the bed, but Gant held him still.

"Let go," he muttered, frustrated, trying to tug away from those hands. Gant rolled over, dragging Edgeworth along, trapping the smaller man beneath him.

Edgeworth: *goes even paler*

Phoenix: I guess all the author needed to do now was remove all possible ambiguity.

[The ambiguity remains intact as Gant gives Edgeworth a blowjob.]

Phoenix: Nope. I call them like I see them. You just raped like three times, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Wouldn't it be two?

Phoenix: I don't want to count.

Spoiler: The next four chapters
Edgeworth: Did I read that right? Four?

Phoenix: Uh... that's half the fic.

Edgeworth: Ngh...

January 7, 11:33 AM
Police Department - Gant's Office


The phone rang.

"Sir? Prosecutor Edgeworth is here, asking for you."

So soon?

What a pleasant surprise.

"Send him up."

Edgeworth: *rubs temples* Why on earth am I going to see Damon Gant after he raped me twice?

Phoenix: I don't know. Trying to confront him with decisive evidence?

Edgeworth: ...which would just be an invitation for him to do it again.

Phoenix: Yeah, confrontations with decisive evidence don't usually go very well, do they?

Edgeworth: What on earth have you been doing during investigations?

January 7, 11:35 AM
Police Department - Gant's Office


"Worthy," sounding as supremely delighted as the police chief genuinely was, when the silver-haired counselor entered his office.

"Gant," rather stiffly.

A grin as he watched the prosecutor, after full entry, lock the door behind him.

"Was there something you ... needed?" It was a bit of a taunt, actually. It had only been two days since their first meeting, after all. Neither had contacted the other since then, nor made any sort of concrete arrangement for a second meeting ... so it was quite a comfort for Gant, to see Edgeworth initiate this. So quickly, too.

Silently permitting Damon to overestimate his own importance, Miles, pointedly, removed his suitjacket.

Phoenix: Hold it, why are you removing... your... aw, dangit.

Edgeworth: A little slow on the uptake, are we, Wright?

Phoenix: I'm in denial for your sake here, Edgeworth.

"My way, this time."

The police chief wouldn't even have to get out of his chair.


January 7, 11:42 AM
Police Department - Gant's Office


Knock, knock.

Thick fingers grappled onto silver hairs.

That head went still.

"Yes?" Gant's voice fell short of solid.


Gumshoe, at the door.

Phoenix: Now I feel bad for Gumshoe. Or worse than I did already, anyway.

Edgeworth: ...I'm under the desk, aren't I?

"What?" unable to strain the annoyance in his tone.

"You said you wanted to see me later."

"Yes, later."


It took Gumshoe a full minute to realize he was interrupting ... something.

"S-sorry," before the detective seemingly stumbled off.

Gant knew the prosecutor would be annoyed, by this. He waited a few moments before releasing his grip, allowing Edgeworth to pull off his

[Yep, Edgeworth's giving Gant a blowjob under the desk.]

Edgeworth: Sometimes I hate being right.

Phoenix: Why is the Management so determined to have us spork this that they'll cut things off mid-sentance...?

Speakers: We're milking this fic for all it's worth, obviously.

Edgeworth: I think the only thing this fic is worth is what I would have paid to get out of it.

[By the way, not only is Edgeworth giving Gant a blowjob, but he's also sticking his fingers up his-]

Edgeworth: No.

February 9, 2:17 PM
Yoko Cafe


"Black tea," Edgeworth ordered.


"And a double chocolate-chip frapaccino."

"No, Edgeworth, I'll pay for--"

"It's done, Wright,"

Edgeworth: *sigh* I should have known you'd be in this fic, too.

Phoenix: Hey, all we're doing is getting coffee, right? Which means no sex scenes for a while... right?

Edgeworth: We can never be too sure.

Phoenix: *also sigh*

Miles hushed, "A generous salary is one of the benefits of routine success."

Phoenix: Then why am I always the one paying for meals?

Edgeworth: I'd be more inclined to pay myself if you stopped whining about it.

He paid for the two drinks.

"Embarrassing," he muttered, as he received them. "We might as well go to an ice cream shoppe if you insist on ordering a milkshake."

He handed the frappacino to Phoenix.

"You ordered it, Edgeworth."

"Don't be cute." A couple dozen times they've visited this coffee-house together and the defense attorney always ordered the same thing ...

Phoenix: Which means at some point you should stop making fun of me for it, clearly.

Edgeworth: Wishful thinking, Wright.

"I may have shocked the world and ordered something extremely pretentious," Wright argued, "Like, Darjeeling, tea."

A measured stare was aimed at the spikey-haired lawyer.

"You'll never know," Phoenix taunted, sipping through a straw, being sure to suck in a little bit of the whipped cream floating on the top.


February 9, 2:22 PM
Yoko Cafe

Phoenix: Is an establishing caption really necessary? It's been five minutes.

Edgeworth: I suppose the author needed to assure us that we didn't change location somehow in the space of those five minutes.

The cafe's sofas were overly padded; Miles preferred them that way.

Phoenix sat across from him, idly tapping his fingers on the wooden stand between them.

This was abnormal, though. Edgeworth was playing his typical role ... flipping through the pages of one of the cafe's magazines, acting rather disinterested in his company. But Wright should have been speaking. Babbling about trials, asking for advice, sharing the pity-stories of his clients, joking, flirting ... something.

Phoenix: Flirting? I don't- wait.

Edgeworth: *sigh* So not only do I have to put up with Gant, but I also have to put up with you.

Phoenix: I'm right here, you know.

Edgeworth: ...all things considered, you are a much better option than Gant.

Phoenix: That's not saying much.

Edgeworth: No, it's not.

This silence was ... disturbing.

Edgeworth: Less so than this fic.

"Stop tapping," the prosecutor instructed, sipping his tea.

Phoenix's fingers stilled.

Now the silence was even more silent.

Phoenix: You hear that, Edgeworth? The silence was silent.

Edgeworth: I'm not even going to justify that with a response.

"Why is it when you actually have something to say, you don't speak?"

"Edgeworth ..."

He looked up from the magazine. When Phoenix's tone got soft like that ...

" ... can we--"

Edgeworth: No.

Phoenix: I haven't even asked anything yet.

"No, Wright," he interrupted, setting the magazine down on the table. He moved to sit on the edge of his chair, leaning toward the defense lawyer, and repeated himself: "No."

A weak smile, "You didn't even let me ask ... "

Both: ...

Phoenix: I-Is the fic watching us?

Edgeworth: It's just a coincidental moment of in-characterness.

Phoenix: That actually kind of frightens me...

Miles waited a moment before answering, letting the other's discomfort marinate a bit.

"We've tried to do this, before. So, please ... let it go."

The prosecutor could pluck the poor sap like a violin; He always could.

Phoenix: Ouch.

Edgeworth: It's not like it's very hard.

Phoenix: The least you could do is pretend that the fic's just making things up, you know.

The defense lawyer could only match Edgeworth's gaze for a moment, before looking away.

A moment passed.

"Heh. It's not a question of being able to, Miles ... " forcing himself to look at the man he always admired, "I just don't want to."

Edgeworth sighed. He leaned back in his chair, propped up his elbow, pressed his cheek into his own knuckles.

"Why do you suddenly feel the urge to complicate matters, Wright?"

"Your secretary ... "

Phoenix: You have a secretary?

Edgeworth: No.

Phoenix: (Yeah, I suppose that sort of thing usually falls to Gumshoe...)

"My secretary?"

"She said you were... in a relationship--"

"--In a relationship," the annoyance showed in his face, his tone.

"Or so she suspects."

" ... " The prosecutor briefly mused over how his secretary discovered this. Probably office gossip evolving from a marginal piece of evidence that actually turned out to be correct, possibly something as small as Edgeworth taking a personal call at a seemingly awkward time ...

There was also the issue of his own secretary babbling to other attorneys about his personal life ...

Phoenix: (Yep. Definitely Gumshoe.)

Edgeworth: What are you smirking for?

Phoenix: Nothing.

"Please don't fire her," sensing Edgeworth's rather unsympathetic musings.


"Is it true ... ?"

He did consider lying, briefly.

"Yes. Though 'relationship' isn't the term I would use, personally."

Miles watched the younger lawyer flinch.

Phoenix: We're the same age.

Edgeworth: I suppose my birthday could be sooner than yours.

Phoenix: ...we have birthdays?

Speakers: The Management would like to inform Phoenix Wright that making fun of the games' weird timeline is strictly forbidden.

Phoenix: Who's breaking the fourth wall now?

Speakers: The Management would like to request that Phoenix Wright rein in the sass or suffer the consequences.

"What term would you use, then?"

"It's sex, Wright. About four times a week, for the past month."

Four times a week ... Every other day, more or less. Just about as often as they went to a cafe or restaurant together during the day ...

Edgeworth: Why are we going to a café together four times a week?

Phoenix: Well, I know I'm probably going because you're paying for my milkshakes.

"... Were you going to tell me?"

"No. It wasn't any concern of yours."

Another pause.

"Or my secretary's," he added.

The spikey-haired man seemed distraught.

But this was good, Miles decided. Maybe the information would help Phoenix move on.

Edgeworth: You chased me for fifteen years. "Moving on" does not seem very likely.

Phoenix: sounds weird when you phrase it like that.

Edgeworth: It is weird, Wright.

Phoenix: (Yeah, you're welcome. Jerk.)

A forced smile. "Well, if you wanted sex, you could've--"

Both: No.

"No, I certainly couldn't have," The prosecutor corrected, testy now.

The smile vanished.

Edgeworth sipped his tea.

"So ... a man? what's he like?"

Edgeworth: I don't recall stating my "lover's" gender. Why do you automatically assume it's a man?

Phoenix: ...because bisexuals don't exist in fanfiction.

Edgeworth: Why did you pause before answering?

Phoenix: I plead the fifth.


"You know. Is he cute? Funny? Young, old ...?"



Edgeworth: I doubt that.

Phoenix: This from the same man who constantly complains about me sticking my nose in other people's business?

Edgeworth: I complain about that because you do stick your nose in other people's business.

What, are you ashamed of your lover?" He pressed, gaining a little momentum, now. This wasn't odd for them, though ... to treat each other's personal lives like a trial.

"Cautious," Edgeworth amended, "As someone in my position must be."

True enough, Phoenix decided.

"But if you must know ... he's handsome, drole and significantly older than me," something cold but amused touched those silver eyes, "He also has the most attractive physique of any partner I've been with."

"Oh really?"

"Absolutely. He's built like a god. A delicious, well-endowed ... god."

Phoenix: Waaaay too much information, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Wright, if I ever describe Damon Gant as anything like that, please shoot me.

Phoenix: I probably would have already shot myself.


"So. When you're finished whoring yourself to this 'god' you have no feelings for ... --"

"--How desperate!" the prosecutor snapped, standing.

"Miles, wait!"

Phoenix: I only just noticed that fic-me started calling you by your first name.

Edgeworth: ...have you been paying attention at all?

Phoenix: Do you really think I'm foolhardy enough to break the rules during a punishment sporking?

Edgeworth: Yes.

Phoenix: ...well then.

Edgeworth was already at the door by the time Phoenix managed to catch up with him.

The defense lawyer snatched the other's wrist, pulling him from the doory entry, bringing them face to face.

This act earned a rather nasty glare.

The thing with Edgeworth is that, sometimes, you have to be a little physical to earn his attention ...

Edgeworth: That is certainly not a line I wanted to read in a fic where I have apparently been raped multiple times.

Phoenix: I'm kind of scared to find out where this is going.

Edgeworth: ...aren't we in public?

Phoenix: Yes.

Both: ...

"Listen, I'm sorry," sincerely, "I just, hate the thought of you ... with, anyone, honestly."

Miles looked him in the eye, "Get used to it."

Phoenix became annoyed, suddenly. Annoyed at all the little things Miles expertly used to control him: The gaze he couldn't match, the tone he couldn't challenge, the words he couldn't counter ...

Edgeworth: ...except you're always challenging my tone and countering my words.

Phoenix: And the gaze doesn't even bother me anymore.

Edgeworth: I had no idea my glare loses its effect the more I use it.

Phoenix: Hey, I can get used to anything.

There was only one way through those defenses, and that was the power of unpredictability.

Edgeworth: That's... surprisingly accurate.

Phoenix: I'll have you know I always know exactly what I'm doing.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Stop looking at me like that.

"Hm," moving his hands to Edgeworth's arms, holding him, "Guess I better take what I can while I still have you ... "

Phoenix: W-We're in public!!

Edgeworth: I don't think the author cares.

"Don't you dare make a scene here ... "

Wright pressed forward, taking the prosecutor's barely parted lips.

Phoenix: Taking them where?

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Um, nevermind.

They were still, unresponsive. Which had little effect on the defense lawyer's enthusiasm. He moved his mouth against Edgeworth's, gently, before pressing into the other's cheek. Then, whispered, "I'll wait for you; I will."

Edgeworth: Mmhm. That's nice.

Phoenix: ...

Miles couldn't say he was completely immune to Phoenix's sincerity. On some level, he wanted to let Wright drag him away from reality ... to that romantic lala world of sunshine that flourished in that absurd little mind.

Phoenix: What sort of image does the author have of me, anyway?

Edgeworth: I agree with the "absurd little mind" part of it, actually.

Phoenix: Thanks, Edgeworth.

When Phoenix finally removed himself from his motionless partner ... "Amazing, Wright," voice dripping with dismissive sarcasm, "Your kisses remind me of our gentle, passionate nights together, and your words are directly from the soul ... beautiful and pure. You've again seduced me. I regret letting any other man touch me; You're the only one."

Phoenix: *bursts into laughter*

Edgeworth: E-Even sarcastically, I would never...!

Phoenix: *continued laughter*

The younger man sucked in a breath, suddenly feeling powerfully depressed. Not only was Miles figuratively spitting at him, but those silver eyes were glancing off to the side ... completely disconnected.

The subject of his infatuation never seemed so far away, before.

"Everything has become so absurd, now," Edgeworth admitted.

Refusing to even look at Phoenix, he gently pulled away.

Edgeworth: Yes. Everything is absurd.

Phoenix: No kidding... oh look, the next chapter.

February 10, 10:23 AM

Miles Edgeworth's Voicemail

Phoenix: ...that's not a location.

"Hey, Edgeworth. It's Wright. Listen, I'm, uh, not feeling particularly well today ... Just a tad nauseous, nothing serious. So, um, let's post-pone lunch, then. I'm ... sorry, Edgeworth. Could you .. call me later in the week, please? Thanks, alright, bye."

The message was interpreted as this: "Hey, Edgeworth. It's Idiot. I know I fucked up at the cafe by questioning you on your private life, embarrassing you in public, indirectly calling you a whore and forcing a kiss. I'm sure you're not in the mood to see me for our weekly lunch-date, but ... please don't do anything drastic and push me out of your life. I'm ... sorry, Edgeworth. Call me, when you're ready to see me."

Edgeworth: ... *puts head in hands, shoulders start shaking*

Phoenix: (I can't tell if he's laughing or crying...)

February 10, 10:26 AM

Miles Edgeworth's Voicemail

"Hey, Edgeworth. It's Wright, again. Umm ... I called your office, before calling you, and, I noticed, the secretary ... wasn't Jessica ... and it was some new girl. I'm just hoping it had nothing to do with, uh, me asking Jessica, about you. It was my fault, not hers ... Well, let me know what happened ... and, see you soon, hopefully. Bye."

Phoenix: I thought you usually cut people's salaries instead of firing them.

Edgeworth: Obviously I was attempting to force a return to real life by firing my nonexistent secretary.

February 14, 8:42 AM

Meiji Dori Avenue

"He also has the most attractive physique of any partner I've been with."

"Oh really?"

While walking to the courthouse, Wright noticed the gym on Meiji Dori Avenue.

He also noticed the sign in the window: "Earn great abs in our five-month program or receive a year-long membership for free! Results appear within the first month! Ask associate for begin the program with a body fat percentage of less than 18 to qualify."

Phoenix: Of course fic-me gets self-esteem problems from the fact that you dumped me... or something. What's going on with our relationship in this fic, anyway?

Edgeworth: I assumed we failed one.

Phoenix: I trying to get you back?

Edgeworth: Evidently.

February 21, 3:21 AM

Phoenix Wright's Apartment

Ah, informercials. Nothing more comforting than a collection of generic smiles selling random products to the sleep-deprived. All that was sold was either useless garbage or grossly unnecessary.

"But how often should I exfoliate with your miracle cream, little miss Wei East?" Phoenix asked the TV, amused by himself. If he called the bright yellow number at the bottom of the screen, she'd verbally pamper him ... laugh at his jokes, speak with him, pretend he mattered. Little Miss Wei East wouldn't ignore his phone calls.

Not like Edgeworth.

Phoenix: I think fic-me should go to bed.

Edgeworth: That much is also evident.

Phoenix looked at his cell. Eleven days, no call ... He had been waiting for one the whole damn week.

Edgeworth: At what point do you take a hint, Wright?

Phoenix: Well, you do that sort of thing all the time, so...

Edgeworth: ( he really can't take a hint. Interesting.)

It may come across as pathetic that he had kept the phone with him at all times ... even during these odd morning hours, just in case.

Phoenix: Edgeworth, I'm just going to preemptively tell you to shut up.

Edgeworth: You can't prove I was going to say anything.

He placed his palms on the back of his head, stretching.

Was there any chance Phoenix could just ... let him go?

... No. Not this easily, anyway. Persistence has worked on Edgeworth in the past; He'd call again tomorrow.

Edgeworth: It's not so much persistence so much as it is-

Phoenix: Sorry, but you can hold your snarky comment until after I point out that I'm apparently God in this fic?

Edgeworth: ...what?

Phoenix: Look. My pronoun is capitalized!

Edgeworth: ...worshiping a lawyer as a deity... is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

He switched the channel.

"Beef up your meat, today! MagiRex penis pills are guaranteed to enhance your penis four extra inches!" came the announcement from some man in a lab coat. Dr. Penis.

Both: ...

Edgeworth: That's an unfortunate last name.

Phoenix: I think it's just a... marketing gimmick, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Oh.

"Absolutely. He's built like a god. A delicious, well-endowed ... god."

Hm ...

Phoenix: W-W-Wh... HOLD IT!

Edgeworth: Oh dear...

Phoenix looked at his crotch.

"... I'm proud of you. You make up for your lack of omnicockity with tenacity and I like you just the way you are."

Phoenix: *goes bright red, hides head in hands*

Edgeworth: ..."omnicockity"?

Phoenix: This is stupid.

Another channel flip.

"That stuff doesn't work, anyway."

Edgeworth: Are you speaking from experience?

Phoenix: I - I don't know that for sure!!

Edgeworth: ...are you still speaking from experience?

Phoenix: Don't make me come over there.

Edgeworth: There's only an arm rest between us.

February 22, 3:15 PM

Prosecution's Office - Copy Room

It was a tasty scenario. The police chief had his favorite hobby trapped on the copier, squirming between his greedy hands and massive frame. A lick to that smooth cheek, before Damon rubbed his beard into that skin.

Phoenix: ...let's go back to talking about infomercials.

Edgeworth: Th-the copy machine?!

"I love your body, Edgeworth" squeezing the firm flesh of his ass through magenta fabric.

Phoenix: You know, I think this might be the first time someone in one of these fics has gotten the color of your suit right.

Edgeworth: ...that's not much comfort, Wright.

Phoenix: I know.

Gant had manhandled sticks, before. Other than the naturally tight holes that accompanied a small frame, he didn't really see the charm in thin, petite partners. Flesh was good. Flesh to taunt, taste, abuse ...

The shape of the prosecutor's body was perfect, honestly. Damon was exerting himself over a man, not some pathetic little fairy-slut.

He had to see more.

Edgeworth: *shudders*

Phoenix: On the plus side, the Management will be cutting things out soon.

Edgeworth: That's not a plus side!

"More than a dozen times we've satisfied each other ... and I haven't seen your body entirely bare ... "

"We're in an easily-accessible room of a public facility, Gant," frustratingly twisting from those kisses.

Edgeworth: Hopefully somebody will walk in and report Gant for sexually harassing me.

Phoenix: I wonder why fic-you hasn't reported him himself?

"You're the only prosecutor masochistic enough to show up at the office on a Sunday," Damon stated, trying to catch those evading lips.

Phoenix: Oh.

Edgeworth: ...masochistic or not, I'm still sane.

Phoenix: You're welcome, by the way.

"Let's try, 'Just hurry up and get to my cock,' then." Miles muttered, "This does not require complete removal of all attire. - Maintenance does arrive at four, by the way."

Edgeworth:'s 3:15...

Phoenix: At least if you get arrested for public indecency, you can ask the police to keep Gant away from you in the detention center.

These words reminded Gant of another seductive quality the younger man had; It was that fierce personality. Like the prosecutor had some sort of untouchable internal source of strength.

Edgeworth: I don't suppose that strength extends to the ability to push Gant off of me and call for help.

Phoenix: I'm starting to think fic-you somehow missed the coercion aspect of it all.

Damon was secretly suffering two conflicting desires ... There was some sort of womanly vulnerability he was enduring. Some gentle, quiet emotions that nagged him ... these feelings wanted to touch Edgeworth's lips, kiss his neck, make him gasp and moan.

Edgeworth: *horrified silence*

Phoenix: (This is disturbing me, and my appearance in the fic is mostly just pining for Edgeworth. I can't imagine what Edgeworth's going through.)

Speakers: Our offer to find a fic like this that stars you still stands, by the way.

Phoenix: No!! And stop reading my thoughts!

Then there was that second desire. The one that wanted to force his will upon Miles in every way possible.

Edgeworth: ...I want to call the police and I'm only sporking this.

Phoenix: Well, suppose we call the police on the Management for holding us hostage...

Edgeworth: Do you really think I haven't tried that?

Phoenix: Oh. Yeah...

That alpha-male instinct that wanted to ruin the prosecutor, and turn him into some sort of desperate, pliable little creature that existed only for Gant's own satisfaction. Destroying the prosecutor in a tantalizing, gradual process ... He'd make the pretentious bastard perform all the acts he's refused Gant.

Edgeworth: *puts head in hands again*

Phoenix: If you're not careful, the Management will yell at you for not paying attention.

Edgeworth: I'm already getting punished. How much worse can this get?

Speakers: We do have other fics, you know. Ones involving, say, Manfred von Karma... and Quercus Alba... at the same time...

Edgeworth: ! *sits bolt upright* I'm paying attention!

Phoenix: (Where do they find this stuff??)

[Gant fantasizes a bit.]
"Quit slobbering on me, Gant."

Gant paused, taking a moment to imagine grabbing that face and stuffing his tongue between that insatiable bastard's lips. Refusing his kiss?

Edgeworth noticed the gleam of professionally bleached teeth; Damon was genuinely, fiercely pissed. It was only through expert self-control that Miles avoided both a flinch and a quiver.

The prosecutor, wisely, decided not to press the police chief any further ... not when he was ensnared in those arms. Damon picked up on the other's weakness ... he was getting better at detecting his younger partner's discomfort.

He slowly put on that smile.

Edgeworth: ... *discomfort*

Phoenix: I'm really glad we got him arrested.

Edgeworth: Yes. Very glad.

[They are seriously having sex on the copy machine.]

Phoenix: eyes...

Edgeworth: It's... it's just the cut summary, Wright.

Phoenix: There are certain mental images I do not want under any circumstances, Edgeworth, and that's one of them!!

"You're awfully photogenic," Gant teased, looking at the photocopy of his gloved fingers pressing into that pale ass. Must have been an expensive machine to capture the image so well ...

Both: .......

Edgeworth: He hit the "copy" button?!

Phoenix: I'd laugh if I weren't so horrified.

"Cute," Edgeworth muttered. He tried to identify the exact moment he decided to let Gant force him onto the copier ...

Having his genitals heated a couple dozen times in a row left him feeling a bit nauseous and,consequently, irritable. He was feeling sore, too ... like he had just been fucked dry.

Phoenix: I feel nauseous, too.

Edgeworth: That's an understatement.

Speakers: Incidentally, technically speaking, you were just-

Edgeworth: I don't want to hear it.

Speakers: But only with Gant's fingers.

Edgeworth: I don't want to hear it.

Odd that the only remains from that admittedly erotic experience were physical and mental discomfort.

Phoenix: ...that's not odd at all.

Edgeworth: Physical and mental discomfort indeed...

[Gant apparently thinks Edgeworth owes him a "sexual favor".]
Miles checked his cell.

Hmm. Thirteen ignored calls before Wright realized that Edgeworth wasn't going to speak to him.

The fourteenth attempt finally led to a message.

Edgeworth: Fic-Wright takes a hint faster than you do.

Phoenix: I don't know what you're talking about.

"We're shredding all of those, by the way," pressing the phone to his ear, "including the one you slipped into your pocket."

Edgeworth: No. I'm not taking any chances. Burn them, then burn the ashes.

Phoenix: And the guy who hit "copy" in the first place.

Edgeworth: Only if you can convince the Judge it was justified self-defense.

"Shred all these beautiful pictures?" Gant smirked, moving behind Miles so he could firmly massage those shoulders. "Next time ... you'll let me see your entire body. I'll make you feel good all over, I swear."

There it was ... Gant attempting to invoke that sexual debt.

"We'll see," just to shut him up.

Phoenix: You know what a better way to shut him up would be? Calling the police.

Edgeworth: I'm already at the Prosecutorial Offices. ...I think.

Phoenix: See? The police would be there in like three seconds!

He listened to Wright's message.

It was a rather simple one. " ... I miss you."

... Such a child.

Phoenix: Excuse me.

Edgeworth: Well, you can be pretty childish.

Phoenix: Yeah, don't rush to my defense all at once now.

Edgeworth: I honestly don't know what you were expecting, Wright.

Gant squeezed those shoulders, regaining Edgeworth's attention. "Mmm. Once you realize you'll never meet anyone that can give you as much sexual satisfaction as I ... " leaned forward, letting his lips touch the prosecutor's ear, "maybe you'll stop limiting our options."

"If you're unsatisfied with our, exchanges ... feel free to seek out a new fuck," Miles challenged.

Naturally, Gant had decided a while back that he couldn't let this go. He would be hard-pressed to find anyone as stunning as Edgeworth. Or as talented at sucking cock.

"Don't be so defensive. Of course I will respect your wishes."

Both: *bitter laughter*

"Yes, of course."

Edgeworth: Even fic-me doesn't believe him. Probably.

Phoenix: Hey, that would make it the first glimmers of sanity. Maybe next you'll cut Gant out of your life.

Edgeworth: ...he was the Chief of Police, Wright. I had no choice but to work with him.

Phoenix: Okay, yeah, but... wait a minute. The chapters takes place the same day he killed Detective Goodman.

Edgeworth: ...what? *squints at screen* So it is, February 22... and since you're here, it can't possibly be the year prior.

Phoenix: Ooh. Okay, you're doomed.

Edgeworth: ... *sighs*

Phoenix: Next chapter...

February 23, 10:11 AM

Phoenix Wright's Apartment


It was a stunning leap across the room, covering several feet within a second.

Phoenix picked up the phone in mid-ring.

"Hello!!" Too loud.

" ... My call didn't even get through an entire ring," Miles noted, both surprised and not-surprised, by that.

Edgeworth: I don't know about that. It usually takes you forever for you to pick up your phone.

Phoenix: It's not my fault everyone loves the Steel Samurai ringtone.

Speakers: ...we would like to inform Phoenix Wright that leaning on the fourth wall, while not technically prohibited, is highly discouraged.

Edgeworth: have a Steel Samurai ringtone, Wright?

Phoenix: Um, Maya set it. I have no idea how to set it back.

Edgeworth: Oh. Of course.

Phoenix: (And what are you so disappointed for?)

" ... Edgeworth!"

" ... "

" ... How are you?!" Phoenix didn't even notice the abundant enthusiasm in his own voice.

"Fine ... "

"Fine is good; I'm great!"

Edgeworth: And possibly drunk. Normally, right about now you'd be yelling at me for not answering you for weeks.

Phoenix: ...and then you hang up and I have to call you back.

Edgeworth: It's not my fault you never learn.

" ... "

" ... I'd say it's good to hear your voice again, but you're not speaking."

" ... Right. Lunch, Thursday ... around noon. I'll take the liberty to assume you're available."

"Yes, I'm still single!" Phoenix announced.

Both *facepalm*

" ... available for lunch."

"Oh ... " He seemed to remember Maya babbling about hamburgers ... but she can go by herself. "Noon is great."

"Since you're reporting your availability, let me make mine clear: This is not a date. I am still involved and I've never entertained multiple partners. We're returning to the same relationship we had prior to this little hiatus ... two people who enjoy each other's company."

"You enjoy my company? ... That's the nicest thing you've said to me in a year."

"Shall I give you a moment to bask in the warmth of my sentimentality?"

"Ah, Edgeworth ... it feels so good ... Say it again!"

Both: ...

Phoenix: ...I'm being sarcastic, right? Right?

Edgeworth: Either way, hearing you say that makes me... uncomfortable. Extremely so.

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure I'm being sarcastic.

Edgeworth: I certainly hope you're being sarcastic.

"Takashi's. Thursday. Noon." And he hung up.


February 26, 12:24 PM

Takashi's Soup Restaurant


Phoenix wanted to see Miles smile; It's been a while.

Phoenix: *snorts* Good luck with that, fic-me.

Edgeworth: ...?

"You know, Edgeworth ... how some people give up having a typical life, to pursue some sort of selfless greater-good? Like, feeding starving children in Africa ...or, trying to get Pandas to hump each other."

"And?" dipping a cracker into his warm soup before popping it into his mouth.

The defense lawyer looked him in the eye, "It's my destiny. I'm going to Pyongyang, to save baby Octopi from Korean tyranny."

Miles nearly choked on his soup cracker.

Phoenix: This is just me joking, right, and not a way for the author to write me out of the fic?

Edgeworth: I assume it's the former, considering it was marginally funny.

Phoenix: Except for the fact that "octopi" is capitalized.

Edgeworth: ...yes, except for that.

March 10, 11:07 AM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office


Gant had a very dominating presence, about him. That large frame, obnoxious personality and flamboyant style ... a pay-attention-to-me trinity, of sorts.

Edgeworth: ...can we go back to the octopi?

Phoenix: Weren't you choking on a soup cracker?

Edgeworth: Of all the things to choke on in this fic, I would much, much prefer the soup cracker.

Phoenix: (...and you yelled at me for making a dirty joke earlier.)

"It's been nearly two weeks since you've last drank my cum; Are you on some kind of diet?"

Edgeworth: Yes, I am on a strictly rape-free diet.

"Gant. How good of you to drop by, unannounced," as Edgeworth shifted through a few court documents, feeling no need to stand from his desk, "Unfortunately I have a trial in forty-five minutes, so there isn't time to entertain you."

Gant didn't leave.

Miles ignored him.

Gant remained remarkably stationary.

Miles sighed, "Get on the couch; I'll take care of you quickly."

Edgeworth: But... trial is in forty-five minutes...

Phoenix: Shouldn't you already be at the courthouse?

Edgeworth: Yes, I should...

The police chief moved to that fluffy magenta couch, watching Edgeworth. The prosecutor noticed something ... different, about Damon's demeanor. It took him a moment before he realized it was the absence of that dreadful smile; There was none of that trademark insincere enthusiasm.

"I thought you didn't have a lot of time," in response to Miles' hesitation. The attorney stood, moved before Gant and kneeled. Their eyes connected ... and Edgeworth then realized he was far more comfortable with the false optimism then this humorless, severe expression.

Phoenix: Watch out, Edgeworth. I think the next thing he might do is stab you.

Edgeworth: ...that would be a welcome relief.

Phoenix: Yeah, but then it'd just be me in this fic. ...and Gumshoe. What if he goes after one of us next?

Edgeworth: Don't be ridiculous.

Speakers: You know, we have actually read a fic once where Damon Gant raped Phoenix Wright.

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: ...where on earth do you...?

Speakers: AO3 is kind of a funny place.

[Edgeworth gives Gant another blowjob. Gant is creepy about it.]

Edgeworth: Is there any alternative?

Phoenix: ...why would someone even write a fic where Gant raped me...?

Edgeworth: Implying it's normal for someone to write a fic where Gant rapes me?

Phoenix: That wasn't what I meant and you know it.

March 16, 1:12 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office


When Miles' door was shoved open, he joylessly suspected it was Gant.

When Phoenix stepped in with a ridiculously excited smile and a CD player, he wished it was Gant.

Edgeworth: Actually, the sex scenes in this fic would have been infinitely less disturbing if it had been you instead of Gant, Wright.

Phoenix: ...I'd say that's surprisingly nice of you to think that, but I'm sure it's actually an insult somehow.

"What are you doing?"

"In situations like these, I prefer to let my actions do the talking," Phoenix announced, setting the CD player on the desk and hitting play. Music filled the room.

Dear god, it sounded like a seventies porn track.

Both: *groan*

Phoenix started swaying his hips and undoing his tie.

"You're stripping in my office," a monotone statement.

There goes that collar button.

Phoenix: W-Wait, am I really?

Edgeworth: I... I think you are.

Both: ...

Edgeworth: Just watching this gives me a weird urge to ban you from my office for the rest of your life.

Phoenix: Somehow, I think I deserve it.

"I'm calling secuity," he picked up the phone, hoping this scare tactic would work. It didn't. And Edgeworth apparently forgot what he was doing mid-bluff, while watching Wright's ridiculous striptease. It was the same kind of awkward, shameful fascination one would feel while witnessing a trainwreck ... Miles went ahead and hung up the phone.

Edgeworth: Trainwreck indeed.

Phoenix: I don't look that bad.

Edgeworth: That's not the issue here, Wright.

Phoenix sashayed to the left, then the right, as he unbuttoned his shirt. Once finished, he wiggled a bit ... revealing his smooth chest. The fabric fell down his shoulders, and Phoenix's arms spread out in a ta-da! gesture.

" ... What?" Edgeworth inquired, genuinely confused.

Phoenix did his ta-da! gesture a second time.

Phoenix: You know, I'm trying to find a good word for my personality in this fic, but I can't quite...

Edgeworth: An oversexed puppy who hasn't seen its master for a while?

Phoenix: ...yeah.

"I'll be honest ... With your dramatic entrance, I was at least expecting a diamond-studded bra. -- You do realize I've seen your naked body before, yes?"

Edgeworth: W-When did this-?

Phoenix: I guess you were right about the failed relationship.

Edgeworth: ...when could that have possibly happened? I was avoiding you at all possible until the previous December. This fic begins in January.

Phoenix: *shrug* I guess it didn't take very long for the relationship to fail.

Phoenix frowned.

Miles was still unsure about what was happening, here. "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're drunk ... "

Edgeworth: Which means, of course, that I'll call Gumshoe immediately and have him drive you home. Then inform him that next time I find you in my office, I'll cut his pay.

Phoenix: (...I really was just kidding about Gumshoe being his secretary, though.)

"My abs ... " Phoenix muttered ... looking down to his exposed chest.

Edgeworth paused, thinking for a moment. Then there was a bit of a smirk. He began to shift through some of the papers on his desk, as he spoke: "Tell me if my perception of this situation is accurate ... you've been doing some sort of workout or fitness exercise that guaranteed you a studly body, and you wisely decided to show off before there were any visible results."

" ... My interpretation of the situation is that you're totally impressed with my budding muscle-bulges and we're about to have sex," Phoenix countered.

Edgeworth: You've been off in your interpretations before, Wright, but this...

Phoenix: I don't want to hear it, Edgeworth.

"This is both horrific and fascinating, truly."

Phoenix: Like the fic.

Edgeworth: The fic is more horrific than fascinating, though.

For a long moment, all that could be heard was Wright's sleazy music.

"This is Mr. Sex-god's fault! I'm betting he has spoiled you with his massive pectoral musles."

"That, or you're an idiot," looking over an autopsy report ... feigning boredom.

Edgeworth: I'm leaning towards "idiot", myself.

Phoenix: Don't think I didn't notice the word "feigning" before "boredom".

Phoenix, unsatisfied, moved around the desk and stood next to Edgeworth.

"What now?" pretending to be annoyed.

"Touch my chest."

"I'm not touching your chest."

Phoenix quickly snatched Miles' hand and pressed it to his body. Edgeworth, though a little annoyed, obliged the other by rubbing his thumb along the plane of the defense lawyer's stomach.

"Wright, I'm not even trying to be an ass ... I literally cannot feel anything different."

Phoenix: Obviously that's because I'm already in really good shape.

Edgeworth: Are you now.

Phoenix: Shut up.

Phoenix dragged that hand upward, just over the beating muscle in the left side of his chest. " ... really?"

"You had this whole moronic episode planned out, didn't you?" quickly pulling his hand away, turning back to his work ... now fully annoyed.

Phoenix: You weren't fully annoyed before?

Edgeworth: I assure you, Wright, I get fully annoyed any time I'm within earshot of you.

Phoenix:'re really great for my self-esteem, you know?

Edgeworth: I try.

"Just the hand-over-my-heart bit. You were supposed to be impressed by my abs--"

"--There are no abs.--"

"--so I still need to prove myself."

"That isn't necessary."

"Smack me."

"I'm considering it."

Edgeworth: At least the dialogue is somewhere in the ballpark of in-character.

Phoenix: That kind of scares me.

"Smack me ... with the desk-lamp."

" ... "

"It'll bounce off my chest."

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: I actually kind of want to see this.

"Smack you, with the desk-lamp," Edgeworth repeated, voice low.

"Do it now!"

"Wright, get the hell--" Miles made the error of turning to look at the other. Wright had tensed up his body ... adorning the eye-squinted, chest-puffed, red-faced look of constipation, prepared for the desk-lamp.

Both: ...

Edgeworth: *barely-restrained giggle*

Phoenix: Real mature, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I'm sorry, Wright. I simply can't deal with how ridiculous this scene is.

Edgeworth couldn't hold back a short laugh. The prosecutor turned away, hand over his eyes as he struggled to regain composure. The image had just been too funny, the situation just too ridiculous.

Edgeworth: *goes pale*

Phoenix: is it that the author can write something more or less in-character and still have it be a fic where you give Damon Gant a blowjob every couple minutes?

Edgeworth: I honestly have no idea...

Phoenix grinned happily.

It had been ... a long time, since he had been able to make Miles laugh like that.

"Leave now, and I won't cancel our lunch engagement tomorrow ... " Speaking with his hand still shielding his eyes.

"Your smile is like the full moon ... "

Phoenix: ...if I see it, that means I'm in trouble.

Edgeworth: Why are you in trouble every time you see the full moon?

Phoenix: You don't know that I'm not a werewolf.

Edgeworth: ........

Edgeworth endeavored to obscure it. "How poetic. -- Get out."

"See you tomorrow, " before Wright dipped forward to kiss the other's cheek(and quite pleased Edgeworth didn't snap at him for doing so). While putting his shirt back on, he added: "In four more months, I'll have extremely visible abs and you won't even need Mr. Sex-god."

" ... Don't forget your hideous porno-tracks."

Phoenix: I totally forgot those were playing in the background the whole time.

Edgeworth: I find myself wondering what would have happened if someone had heard them and wandered in.

Phoenix: ...I don't want to think about it.

Edgeworth: It's not even the most embarrassing thing someone could walk in on in this fic.

Phoenix: Yeah, but I had no excuse.

March 17, 8:23 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's House


"Stalking me, now?" Edgeworth accused, bitterly, as he got out of his car.

Nothing like getting home from a long day of work to see Damon Gant's car parked in your driverway, with the bastard himself leaning against it ... waiting.

Edgeworth: Why does the author feel the need to alternate somewhat tolerable scenes of you and me with gut-wrenching scenes of Gant and me?

Phoenix: Maybe they hate you.

Edgeworth: On the contrary, I believe the people who write these fics are usually the ones who like me a little too much...

"I only came for conversation ... "

"And I absolutely must oblige a man with such innocent intentions," Miles' tone practically acidic. The damn dog followed him to his front door.

"It would be in your best interest," Gant explained.

"Aren't we past the ill-conceived-threat stage of our relationship?" as he turned to face Gant. The prosecutor surely wasn't foolish enough to unlock his front door with Damon standing next to him ... the ogre would undoubtedly force himself inside.

Edgeworth: And then I can call the police.

Phoenix: Or shoot him.

Edgeworth: Do you really think I own a gun?

Phoenix: ...oh, right.

Edgeworth: Besides, this is California...

"Again. It's in your best interest."

"You're not getting inside."

"Let me in."

"I worked thirteen hours, today. I'm tired, my body feels disgusting and I'm absolutely not in the mood for sex."

"I only want to talk."


"Whoever else you're seeing."

Phoenix: ...that'd be me, wouldn't it.

Edgeworth: Yes.

Phoenix: Well, this should be a fun conversation.

Edgeworth's eyes narrowed, "I know you have a very specific image of what I am, in your perverse mind ... but I've never indulged two different partners at the same time."

"You don't need to be having sex with more than one person to be indulging multiple partners."

Edgeworth quirked a brow. The police chief was accusing him of ... emotional infidelity?

Phoenix: Wait... is he?

Edgeworth: ...this is ridiculous.

Phoenix: I think we've established that.

"Gant ... our relationship is purely sexual. You invited me to a tawdry hotel room and tried to blackmail me specifically for sex, remember?"

Phoenix: So that's where the first chapter took place.

Edgeworth: Why did I think joining Damon Gant at a hotel room would be a good idea?

Phoenix: Haven't we already figured out that fic-you is insane?

"This is why we need to talk; Let me in."

"Absolutely not. Nothing you have to say interests me. Your prick is the only part of you that interests me. And, tonight, I'm not in the mood ... so there's no use for you."

Gant stared at him, silent.

"I'll call you in the morning, Gant," and perhaps try to help the dope understand what is happening, here, "For now, just go ... "

Damon sucked in a deep breath of air, and for a second looked remarkably calm ... before lunging at the smaller man like an enraged beast. Edgeworth groaned out in pain when his head harshly smacked back into the door. His vision was black, for a moment ... but he was dimly aware of his keys being yanked out of his hand.

Edgeworth: He just... he just attacked me.

Phoenix: Now you can definitely call the police. This isn't even remotely ambiguous anymore.

Within a few moments, Gant had unlocked the door. With an arm about Miles' waist, the police chief dragged him inside.

Phoenix: So what do the neighbors think is going on?

Edgeworth: Any sane person could surmise what's going on... so I'll just assume I don't have neighbors for when the police inevitably don't show up.

Edgeworth stumbled, and would have fell to the ground had it not been for Damon. His vision was returning, but everything was blurry. His mind, in a haze, thought there was a giant pit beneath him ... and he found himself gripping onto Gant's arm, the only support that kept him from falling.

Edgeworth: ...I think he gave me a concussion.

Phoenix: Yeah, those aren't fun.

"Tired, your body feels disgusting, you're not in the mood," dragging his captive through Miles' rather ornate house, "guess I'll wake you up, clean you and put you in the fucking mood. It's my duty, after all, as your fuck-associate."

After he found the bathroom, Damon, effortlessly, hoisted that body into that large tub, forcing his young, dazed toy to lean into the wall, standing.

He frowned, though, when he saw the horribly disoriented look on Edgeworth's face ... The man was clutching Damon's large arms like they were protecting him from some unseen threat.

Gant hadn't wanted to give the other a concussion. He held the prosecutor upward, waiting, watching those eyes for recovery. Eventually, recognition returned to them, noting the familiar surroundings, the man in front of him ...and that expression became one of severe spite.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: ...wait, is there water in the tub? Didn't you just get home?

Edgeworth: Logically, the tub is empty...

Phoenix: Nothing in this fic runs on logic.

Edgeworth: Which is what I was about to say.

"Are you insane ... ?" he snarled, shrugging away from Gant's touch.

"Strip," Gant moved back, still just outside the tub, using his large frame to block Miles inside it.

"This is absurd!" furiously.

"Ah. You're absolutely adorable when you're angry ... " Gant's left hand moved to the shower knob, "You'll be positively livid, when I shower you with freezing water and rip the clothes off your weak, shivering body."

"I'll press charges."

Both: Do it.

"Those clothes look awfully expensive, Worthy. -- Three."



"Ridiculous ... " Edgeworth whispered, slowly moving to unbutton his suit jacket.

"Good boy," Gant smirked, watching. It was a precious moment, really. He was picking up all the little details: Miles' gaze(which was glancing off to the side), the slight color in his cheeks, the quick, mechanical movement of his fingers as he unbuttoned his shirt. Damon was going to finally receive a complete view of Edgeworth's body. Such excitement.

Phoenix: Much-

Edgeworth: Memes give me a headache, Wright.

Phoenix: I assumed you already have a headache at this point.

Edgeworth: And I'd appreciate you not making it worse.

He watched that smooth chest come into view and found himself pleased with the prosecutor's obvious vanity. Miles clearly kept his body in fine shape ... a seductive creature with lean muscle and beautiful skin.

"Why would you deny me this? Your body is conditioned for sex ..."

After those words, the younger man looked ... wounded.

Phoenix: No, not wounded. Creeped out.

Edgeworth: That would make me in-character.

Phoenix: Hasn't the author already demonstrated that they can write us kinda in-character?

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Now, what does this say about Gant...? ...wait. Forget I asked that.

Edgeworth: I'll try to.

"Why keep this beauty to yourself, Edgeworth ... is the world unworthy of you?"

No response.

"Continue," Gant urged.

Edgeworth unfastened his pants; Gant licked his own lips.

When it was finished, Miles' folded clothes were on the edge of the bathroom sink.

"Time to clean your, 'disgusting' body," Damon taunted, turning on the water.

Edgeworth flinched. Cold, initially ... he shivered.

"Get your hair wet."

The prosecutor quietly obeyed.

Phoenix: ...why are you obeying?

Edgeworth: I'm hoping to avoid worse things to come. Rather like the reason why I haven't attempted to escape the sporking theatre again.

Speakers: The Management would like to inform Miles Edgeworth that we don't appreciate the comparison.

Phoenix: ...and you say I dig my own grave.

Edgeworth: Gnngh...

[Gant forces Edgeworth to soap up, then joins him in the shower, then badtouches Edgeworth.]
It had been so unpredictable. Edgeworth had been biting his knuckle, letting the police chief toy with his ass. Yet when those words were uttered ... Miles quickly pushed off the wall, thrusting back into Gant with the full force of his weight. Damon, taken by surprise, harshly fell out of the tub and smacked into the hard bathroom floor.

"Ah! Little bitch!"

Phoenix: Oh! You're actually making a break for it! Go Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: I don't think this is going to end well...

Phoenix: Now is no time for pessimism!

They were a tangle of limbs. Edgeworth managed to squirm on top of Gant and swung his fist into the cheek as fiercely as possible.

Phoenix: No, you fool! Don't waste time punching him! Just run!

Edgeworth: Wright. Please, stop yelling at the screen.

Phoenix: Sorry. I just really want you to escape.

Edgeworth: I think we both know it's not going to happen.

Phoenix: ...does the word "hope" not mean anything to you?

Edgeworth: We're in the sporking theatre...

The older man growled, hands moving to block a second potential attack, but Miles leapt upward to attempt escape. Not fast enough. A steel grip clamped onto his left ankle, tripping the prosecutor.

There was a valiant struggle, but within moments the smaller man was trapped on his own bed, with Damon's massive form sitting on his abdomen. Edgeworth, expecting some sort of punishment, lifted his arms to protect his head.

Edgeworth: See?

Phoenix: You could at least act disappointed.

Edgeworth: I am disappointed. However, I've been disappointed since the start of the fic.

Eyes closed ... waiting for a strike.

"I'm not going to hit you," Gant stated, sounding disgusted.

Miles slowly opened his eyes, glancing at the police chief. After a moment, he believed the man.

Damon snatched the wrist of the hand that had lashed at him earlier. Those fingers were bent at the knuckle, and the older man correctly assumed that was due to pain.

"That's not how you hit a man. You'll do far more damage to yourself if you punch like that ... "

"You're the expert," he muttered, vainly trying to pull his hand away.

Gant ignored him ... applying pressure to the length of Edgeworth's fingers. The attorney was lucky -- nothing seemed to be broken. The police chief inhaled, deeply. "I know why you did that," he grabbed that other wrist, before placing them on each side of his gorgeous captive's head, "You think I'm going to rape your precious little ass."

Both: ...

Edgeworth: Yes, because that's exactly what you're going to do.

Phoenix: I can't watch.

Speakers: Too bad.

[Gant molests Edgeworth while monologuing about how he's rape him.]

Edgeworth: *horrified silence*

Phoenix: Reeeeeally glad he's in jail.

Still holding the other by the neck, he forced a kiss upon Miles' lips.

Edgeworth: *silently puts hands over mouth*

Phoenix: Is he killing you? I mean, his hands are around your neck.

Edgeworth: I hope so, actually.

March 18, 3:07 AM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's House


Gant sighed, content. He was quite happy with the result of waking Edgeworth up in the middle of the night for more sex.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: I feel bad for fic-you.

Edgeworth: You should feel bad for real me.

Phoenix: Sorry, too busy feeling bad for real me.

[By the way, Edgeworth is giving Gant yet another blowjob.]

Edgeworth: Oh, for the love of-

Phoenix: I think the author has a... fixation.

Edgeworth: Why did I get dragged into it?!

Phoenix: (Better you than me.)

His fingers stroked through that silver hair, until he was given a reminder: "Gant ... Stop that. You cracked my head against my front door."

Gant ceased touching that head, wondering just how bad the bruising would be. "I'm sorry, about that."

"No you're not. You got what you wanted tonight, as a result."

Edgeworth: You did not, however, get what you needed. Which was a life sentence. Possibly a death sentence.

"I don't like hurting you, Worthy."

"Let me guess: It's my fault, I made you do it."

"Besides, I didn't quite get 'everything,' I wanted."

Phoenix: Do we have to listen to this conversation?

Edgeworth: Do we have a choice?

Speakers: No.

Phoenix: *sigh*

"Im getting older, now ... My body is in fantastic shape, but realistically ... I can probably only expect several more years of sex, perhaps ten."

Edgeworth sat upward, though his expression was neutral, betraying nothing. Gant looked away from the prosecutor, almost shyly.

"It would ... behoove me, to have, a distinct partner ... possessing an unrivaled noble quality, to spend these remaining years with. Someone exceptional and beautiful, to make what's left for me ... fulfilling."

When he dared a glance at the prosecutor, there was a seemingly distracted expression on that face. Damon gently grabbed those shoulders, easing Miles to lay upon the bed.

"Noble quality?" Edgeworth questioned, as the older man pressed kisses into his neck.

"You're ... unlike anyone else I've touched. Your powerful sense of dignity, perhaps. "

"Ah. So you're tired of all the masochistic, shameless sluts you've previously entertained."

Edgeworth: Is he asking me... to...?

Phoenix: I really, really don't want to know.

Damon froze.

"I'm not surprised your beastly appetite is calling for prey that'll struggle against you when you drag it to the ground. Makes the chase more interesting, yes?"

Gant pulled back, to look at those frosty, unyielding eyes. "You're being unfair."

"Tell me, Gant ... are all your fantasies like that cliche rape-story you whispered in my ear, earlier? You hurt me, humiliate me ... but your skills at sexual domination beckon to my inner-whore and at the end of it all, I'm begging for prick." spoken so matter-of-factly, like he was lecturing a stubborn child on a rather simple subject, "Is that what you're dreaming about, the nights you jack off by yourself?"

"As I've stated earlier, Worthy ... I don't enjoy hurting you," Gant declared, resolute expression matching Edgeworth's probing stare.

The prosecutor didn't believe him.

Edgeworth: ...yes. I think this might actually be some sort of bizarre love confession.

Phoenix: I don't even know what to say to this.

Edgeworth: Again, it would be so much less disturbing if this fic simply paired you and I and left Gant out of it entirely.

Phoenix: I think a lot of things would be so much less disturbing if Gant were left out of it entirely.

"I have to wake up early tomorrow," twisting to lie down on the left side of the bed, away from Damon, "I'm sure asking you to leave would be a futile request."

Gant paused, a minute. He just observed, quietly ... the curve of that pale shoulder, the tendrils of damp hair. The older man had cum dozens of times in that mouth yet Edgeworth, bizarrely enough, still managed to portray himself as unattainable. Of course, he had expected that his haughty, gorgeous prince would make matters difficult ...

The older man moved to rest against the curve of the other's back.

"Don't," instinctively.

"How do I convince you I'm not a monster, Worthy?" He whispered into that ear, "I've passion, sentimentality, weakness ... perhaps moreso than you do," he slid his arm across that body, hand on that flat stomach, "Perhaps I'll take you to my home ... play an exquisite Johann Sebastian Bach piece, for you," his fingers danced across the other's skin, as though he were creating music on his pipe organ, "a toccata, for you."

Edgeworth: .......

Phoenix:, are you okay?

Edgeworth: Is there even a point to asking a question to which you already know the answer?

Phoenix: Just being polite.

Edgeworth twisted away from that touch. Whether it was because the man was ticklish or annoyed, Gant couldn't say for sure ... but Miles was pressing firmly into his body now.

Phoenix: ...are you?

Edgeworth: I what?

Phoenix: Ticklish.

Edgeworth: As if I'd tell you. ...don't you dare touch me.

Damon, still against the other's ear, "Don't forget ... I've seen every part of you. Your will, your desire, your strength and your frailty. Your soul. I want you, completely, and you'll never, have to hide from me."


It wasn't true, though ... Gant didn't even realize he had never seen Edgeworth smile.

Perhaps he didn't think Miles was capable of that kind of tenderness.

Edgeworth: *dry laugh* Yes, very subtle, fic.

Phoenix: At least the author realizes that I'm a much better option than Gant.

Edgeworth: Who isn't a much better option than Gant?

Phoenix: ...Manfred von Karma?

Edgeworth: I'd appreciate you not comment on that, considering one of the fics the Management mentioned earlier.

Phoenix: Ohh, right. Sorry.

March 18, 6:37 AM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's House


A couple of Gant's belongings were tossed on his sleeping body: his wallet and his keys.

The keys were heavy enough to wake him up.

"Get up," Edgeworth's impatient demand.

Damon didn't particularly feel like moving, though. The prosecutor can go ahead and grumble over it ...

Phoenix: You could always leave, lock your house behind you, and burn it down.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: ...I think Maya's been rubbing off on me.

Edgeworth: Really now?

" ... so, Gant. How did it start? Did you suffer some unfortunate cliche in your youth? Daddy raped mommy? Mommy hit you? Maybe an uncle fucked you at a young age? Go on, tell me. What ruined you. What permanently skewed your understanding of lust and love. Why are you only fit for abusive relationships with emotionally-fragile whores ... ?"

Gant sat upward to aim both a glare and a sneer at the cocky prosecutor, but the situation changed dramatically when he noticed that Edgeworth, cleaned and dressed, standing across the room, had a semi-automatic pistol in his hand. Some 1911 model, from what he could see.

Phoenix: Woah.

Edgeworth: Wait.

Phoenix: Where did that gun come from?

Edgeworth: Gant doesn't seem to recognize it, so it's not his... perhaps it's mine...?

Both: ...

Phoenix: Either way you should shoot him.

Edgeworth: Wright...

"Or were you born fucked? Some sort of chemical imbalance? The media has been tossing that term about a lot, recently. We live in a culture that creates an endless supply of excuses for twisted bastards, such as yourself, to avoid accepting responsibility for personal failures and deviant behavior."

Damon ... said nothing. But his expression seemed rather sour.

"I have your attention? Good. It's time to end our arrangement, Gant, as you've become increasingly aggressive and difficult to handle. I'm hoping we can keep this as simple as possible ... You leave my house, right now, and never make an effort to contact me again. Simple."

The police chief chose his words carefully: "I've done nothing to deserve this ... insulting, rejection."

Edgeworth: I think this a bit more than an "insulting rejection".

Phoenix: No, Edgeworth, an "insulting, rejection".

Edgeworth: I thought we were ignoring the excess commas.

Phoenix: Yeah, but you left yourself wide open with that one.

"Hm. Really? You're too derranged to see fault in any of your actions ... the blackmail, the assault, forcing me to strip for you in my shower, extracting physical pleasure from me after I told you no and punched your jaw--"

"--I seem to remember you willingly licking my cock, when all that was said and done," Gant growled.

"Yes, I like your cock, and I admittedly used you for sex. Explain to me how that exonerates you."

No response.

"Is that how you justify the abuse your past lovers had received, from you? You used them, exerted your will over them ... and because you made sure they came once or twice--"

"--They enjoyed what I did to them; All of them!" Damon snapped.

" ... Perhaps they did. I still have no desire to continue indulging a physically-domineering, emotionally-manipulative partner. I wanted a routine fuck, not some bizarre entanglement with an amoral, obsessive hound."

Again, wordless.

Phoenix: Edgeworth... you might just be able to get out of this yet.

Edgeworth: ...isn't this only the fourth chapter?

Phoenix: Uh... maybe the rest of it is just between us.

Edgeworth: Wright, there's a fine line between optimism and foolishness. I'm not sure you know where it is.

Phoenix: (Yes I do. It's right at the junction of "Voicing my thoughts" and "Edgeworth disagreeing with me".)

"Your ... for argument's sake we'll say chemical imbalance, has forced me to prematurely end this. It's a pity; I'll miss your body."

Gant's lip curled, struggling with silent fury.

Edgeworth watched the indignant police chief, "Used for sex and tossed aside, just after that embarrassing little love confession of yours, too ... it hurts, doesn't it?" tilting his head, " ... I wonder how many you've done this to. Just after they mentally succombed to your will, of course. When they thought they needed you. When they were desperate for you. That's when you became bored and moved on to the next whore, yes?"

"You'll regret this you little cunt," Gant snarled, leaping out of the bed.

Course, he stopped moving when Miles pointed the gun at him, cocking it. Damon bared his teeth like an enraged dog.

Phoenix: ...this is pretty dangerous, isn't it, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Well, I do have a gun.

Phoenix: Do you know how to use it?

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: But, um, then again I guess the important thing is that Gant thinks you know how to use it.

Edgeworth: Yes.

" ... I wish every person you've ever seduced, sullied and abused could see you right now: irrate and impotent."

"Do you honestly think you can do this to me?"

"Swallow your pride. Then get out," gun steady.

Gant breathed, struggling to calm himself. At another time, he'd find a way to punish the other for this ... embarrassment. He glanced at the bathroom door, where he had left his suit ...

"I didn't say retrieve your clothes. I said get out."

Damon's eyes went wide, infuriated.

"Not enjoying this humiliation ... ?"

"You fucking whore--"

"--Shut up," mockingly, "You like this."

Both: ...

Phoenix: You know, in a weird way, you're actually being pretty cool here.

Edgeworth: ..."cool"?

Phoenix: Yep. Instead of you up there, it's an action hero who just so happens to resemble you.

Edgeworth: ...thank you, Wright.

Phoenix: What?

March 18, 6:54 AM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's House


Edgeworth watched Gant, stark naked, jog from the front door to his car and speed away.

As soon as the police chief was out of sight, Miles dropped the gun. The feelings of nausea he had barely managed to keep at bay in Damon's presence took his body. He fell to his knees after a rather violent gag. Holding himself, trembling. Had there been any food in his stomach, he would have vomited.

Prosecutors, the successful ones, can always pull off an entertaining performance; Even Edgeworth himself was shocked at what he was capable of.

I'm not ... like this ...

Phoenix: The neighbors could've gone without seeing naked Gant, though.

Edgeworth: I still don't understand why I had a gun.

Phoenix: At least you used it successfully.

Edgeworth: I think we both know it's going to come back to haunt me in the next chapter, Wright.

Phoenix: Which is starting now...

March 18, 7:13 PM

Dick Gumshoe's Apartment


A knock at his door.

The detective put on a shirt, then went to open it.

He hadn't really been expecting a grim-faced prosecutor with a six-pack of beer.

Phoenix: Wait, you're going to Gumshoe? That's an odd pairing.

Edgeworth: ...hmm. Being paired up with Detective Gumshoe... that is odd.

Phoenix: didn't seem to have a problem with being paired up with me.

Edgeworth: ...remind me how many times we've had to spork fics where we paired up?

Phoenix: So you're saying you're used to it?

Edgeworth: Unfortunately.

" ... Edgeworth?"

Phoenix: Except Gumshoe's talking like me here...

Edgeworth: Even in fics that pair me with Detective Gumshoe and Damon Gant, it seems I can't escape you.

Phoenix: ...I'm in this fic, too, you know.

Edgeworth: You'll get no sympathy from me.

"Hello, Gumshoe--"

"--Uhh. Are you ok?"

" ... I'm not sure, honestly," looking the detective in the eye.

"Have you been ... drinking ... ?"

" ... I had a few glasses of wine. This," gesturing toward the six-pack, "is a gift. I believe you mentioned liking Asashi Gold ... "

"Ah, you're welcome here anytime, pal! But, before coming in ... could you wait here for, like, five minutes?"

Edgeworth nodded.

Gumshoe disappeared into the house, leaving Miles to speculate what the detective was doing. Cleaning, he suspected. Grabbing boxers and socks off the floor, picking up empty glasses and food wrappers ...

When Miles was finally permitted entry, it was a small, disorganized place ... with a piece of cheap-looking furniture, here and there. And an odd smell, too.

Well. He had anticipated Gumshoe would be a bit of a ... slob.

Phoenix: ...isn't Gumshoe's apartment basically falling apart?

Edgeworth: In a situation like this... I would be more likely to leave the country.

Phoenix: Oh, come on.

Edgeworth: *sigh* Or go to you instead. At least you can pay your electricity bill.

Phoenix: You know, you could always raise Gumshoe's salary.

Edgeworth: It's not my fault he does more to deserve having his salary cut than he does to deserve having his salary raised.

"The kitchen ... has a table," the thirty-year old bachelor announced, leading Edgeworth.


In the kitchen, the detective popped open one of his gifts.

"I think I have some cheap wine somewhere if you don't like beer ... "

"I'm fine," as Edgeworth sat down at the small wooden table.

"So ... " not really able to look at Miles, as he asked: "what happened?"

" ... A threat. A particularly colorful one," Edgeworth lied.


"Phone call."

"Know who it was?"


"Report it?"

"No. -- And I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone."

Phoenix: Oh, yes. Not suspicious. Not suspicious at all.

Edgeworth: Fic-me is insane, remember.

Gumshoe eyed him.

"I get threats all the time, detective. It's one of the perks of being an extremely successful prosecutor."

"Well, if it makes you feel better ... Japan sees very few retaliatory crimes against law enforcers, lawyers and such."

Phoenix: ...wait, this takes place in Japan?

Edgeworth: And yet it uses the localized names?

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Miles Edgeworth that breaking the fourth wall is prohibited.

Edgeworth: ...I don't suppose I have any chance of handing off the other half of this fic to someone else.

Phoenix: Haha, it was nice knowing you.

Speakers: The Management would like to inform Phoenix Wright that he's being punished, too.

Phoenix: ...I should have known.

Edgeworth: *sigh*

Miles went quiet, wondering if Gumshoe suspected his dishonesty.

Even if the detective had passed judgment ... Edgeworth's discomfort was palpable. Gumshoe had dealt with enough crime victims to detect genuine anxiety and there was no doubting Miles felt threatened ... whether the smaller details were true or not.

Edgeworth: Whose point of view is this from? Mine or Detective Gumshoe's?

Phoenix: I don't think consistency is this author's strong suit.

"You can stay as long as you like, pal," as he attempted a comforting smile.

" ... I appreciate it, truly. I considered a hotel, but ... "

"Didn't want to be alone. That's a good idea. In fact, I should probably drive you to and from work--"

"--Unnecessary, I'm using vacation time."

"Ok, good. We'll stop by your house, tomorrow, and pick up whatever you need. Stop at the grocery store, too. Heh, I don't have much in the fridge, and I can't imagine you eating the instant-meals I live off of--"

"--I won't--"

"--I want you to impose, Edgeworth," Gumshoe interrupted, looking to the prosecutor, "I don't want you to leave here until you're ready. Whether it's a few days, weeks, or months ... it's fine with me."

Miles just looked at him. It's like the man had been waiting his whole life, to be someone's hero. Or perhaps it was his training as a detective, that gave him experience with consoling and protecting others.

Or maybe ... he was just a genuinely selfless person.

Phoenix: At least they have a pretty good grasp of Gumshoe's character, at least.

Edgeworth: Yes, he's fortunate to not have been dragged into all the... relationship drama.

Phoenix: You really couldn't think of another way to phrase that?

Edgeworth: I try to be tasteful at all times, Wright.

"Oh, and, uhh ... I'll take the couch, you get the bed," Gumshoe added, face with a bit of color.

"Absolutely not," insulted.

"Listen ... you know how most people, if they spilled beer on the couch, they would, you know, clean it?"

" ... "

"I just flip the cushion ... -- But the bed? Clean, I promise."

" ... I'll take the bed."

Phoenix: Why are you insulted about taking the bed?

Edgeworth: I... don't know. Why does the author frequently employ dialogue tags that are only descriptors?

Phoenix: I don't know that, either.

March 19, 11:47 PM

Phoenix Wright's Apartment


Phoenix had two major regrets concerning his failed relationship with Edgeworth.

The first, it failed.

Edgeworth: I knew it.

Phoenix: It was pretty obvious.

Edgeworth: I still wonder when it actually happened, though.

Phoenix: I don't think we'll find out.

The second, they only made one homevideo together. That one video was a sex-tape, of course.

Both: ...

Edgeworth: I suddenly regret every comment I've made about our relationship in the fic.

Phoenix: A-At least it's consensual...?

There Wright was ... watching it in the living room during another frustrating night alone.

Edgeworth: Am I narrating this all of a sudden?

Phoenix: Didn't know you were a voyeur, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: I'm kidding.

Edgeworth: I realize that. It wasn't funny.

Phoenix: Says you.

The bedroom.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Edgeworth muttered just as the taping began.

A dress-shirt and trousers. Roughly five strands of misplaced hair. Just about as casual as you can expect, from Miles.

Phoenix's face moved directly in front of the camera, looking into it.

"Is it on?"

" ... Do you see that little red light?"

[Phoenix is masturbating.]

Phoenix: Oh, for the love of...

Edgeworth: How on earth did fic-you talk fic-me into this?

Phoenix: Fic-you is insane, remember?

"Ok, ok!" he turned toward the prosecutor, rubbing his hands together, "Let's have passionate sex so that the Miles and Phoenix of the year 2060 can remember how hot, horny and happy, we were. And maybe future generations will see this and -- Hey!"

Phoenix: ...I don't want future generations watching this.

Edgeworth: Of course, it goes without saying that this is disturbing.

Phoenix: Less disturbing than Gant, though.

Edgeworth: That's like saying Death Valley is less hot than the sun.

Phoenix: Point taken.

Edgeworth was unbuttoning his shirt.

"We're supposed to be undressing each other while passionately kissing."

"I wasn't sure when you'd be finished with your relentless bombardment of optimisim."

Wright moved to Miles, grabbing at those hands, "Can't handle it, Mr. Kill-joy McGrumpy? Let the onslaught continue ... "

He started finishing the last four buttons of Edgeworth's shirt while continuing his ... bombardment of optimisim,

Edgeworth: ...I apologize for criticizing your optimism.

Phoenix: Eh...


"Dear god," Miles muttered.

Wright leaned in for a quick kiss.



Another kiss, another button.

"Fluffy kittens.--"

"--Have mercy."

Lips, again.

"Fifty-year anniversaries.--"

"--Please, no more"

Their fourth mouth-to-mouth.

"Giggling children."

" ... Creepy."

Phoenix: *face in hands*

Edgeworth: I honestly don't know if I want to laugh or not.

Phoenix: I am absolutely mortified, and that's not even me up there.

Edgeworth: Laugh it is then.

Phoenix leaned toward the TV screen, watching Edgeworth's lips curl into a smile during their fifth kiss.

Yeah. Phoenix wondered why the hell would he would bring up giggling children during attempted-sex, anyway.

Edgeworth: An excellent question...

Phoenix: This is a trainwreck.

Edgeworth: Hasn't the fic already referred to your naked body as a trainwreck?

Phoenix: ...I wish the fic would stop spying on us.

That's when it became lustful. Miles was undoing Phoenix's pants; Phoenix was removing Miles' shirt.

"I'm on top," Edgeworth stated, pushing Wright onto the bed. "And I came prepared," pulling a tube of lubricant from his pants. Phoenix doubted there was anything he could say that would change Miles' mind on this, but he figured he'd try.

"I wanted to be on top for the movie," squirming a bit, when Edgeworth moved on top of him.

"If this is going to be an accurate portrayal of our relationship, then I'm obligated to act as top. I'm on top for 70 of our sexual endeavors, and I'm better at it,"

Phoenix: *jawdrop* S-Seventy? We had sex at least seventy times?!

Edgeworth: ...I believe it's missing a percentage sign, Wright.

Phoenix: ...oh, yeah. That would make more sense.

[The sex tape continues predictably. Edgeworth and Phoenix start bickering, predictably.]

Phoenix: What do you mean "predictably"?

Speakers: We've been watching you two spork for how long now?

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: Are we done yet?

Phoenix was still watching, post-orgasm. He never masturbated to this part, only took in the details. The way Miles buried his head into his shoulder, for example.

Gentle, as promised. They never talked during this kind of sex. Aside from Edgeworth occasionally whispering his name, they said nothing.

Edgeworth: ...somehow, this is even creepier.

Phoenix: Why was this scene even necessary?

Edgeworth: It's very clear that the author plotted around the porn.

Phoenix: Ugh...

A bit unhappy, all of a sudden. He wondered if Mr. Sex-god ever took Edgeworth this way.

When it was finished, he seemed to have forgotten about the camera. They exchanged a few kisses, there were a few indecipherable whispers. In several minutes Phoenix had drifted off into a satisfied slumber.

Phoenix watched Edgeworth and himself, together. Miles touched his hair, before silently leaving the bed. Off-screen, he slid on a dark blue robe ... then moved in front of the camera.

Phoenix: Okay, really. Why was this scene even necessary?

Edgeworth: I assume the author thought their audience wanted to see you angsting about my supposed relationship.

Phoenix: Who in their right mind would want to see that?

Edgeworth: The same sort of people who look up M-rated fanfiction with you and me in it, I suppose.

Speakers: How'd you know how we found this?

Both: ...

Speakers: ...uh, the Management would like to inform Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth that we were totally only look for sporking purposes.

Edgeworth: That doesn't make it any better.

"One orgasm, sleeping like a infant. -- Hm. How do we end this? Perhaps a message, for Phoenix-2060?" He wondered , glancing off to the side... kind of amused by this silly idea of Wright's, "First of all, I never cum first. That was some sort of freak-accident."

A moment taken to ponder.

"I suppose ... knowing myself, I probably haven't said this enough times, to you. Even by the year 2060. So ... " silver eyes looking straight into the camera, said, "I'm happy, with you."

Phoenix put his hands over his face.

"Well, that's enough of this nonsense," before turning the camera off.

Phoenix: I would say that's pretty bittersweet, but...

Edgeworth: I don't want to hear it, Wright.

Phoenix: Yep.

March 20, 4:03 PM

Phoenix Wright's Office



"What, Maya?"

"What are ... these?!"

" ... Why were you in my desk!?!"

"They're ... Karma Sutra flashcards!!"

" ... "

" ... Pervert!"

"You don't understand, Maya ... It's research! Edgeworth is a complete sex-addict!"

"Don't try to pin this on him! You've been lonely, jealous and desperate for months."

" ... "

" ... "

" ... That kind of hurt."

"The isolated, envious sex-pervert can't handle the truth, huh?"

Phoenix: What. No.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: I can't believe this.

Edgeworth: Let's just move on, shall we?

March 21, 2:47 PM

Phoenix Wright's Office


"Is Wright in there?"

"Yes, but he's on the phone ... " Maya explained.

"I'll wait for him to finish, then."

Edgeworth entered the office, wordlessly.

Edgeworth: Yes, I always come crawling back to you in these fics...

Phoenix: And your other options are...?

Edgeworth: Dying alone.

Phoenix: I was expecting you to say Gant.

Edgeworth: Dying alone is preferable to Gant, too.

A silent nod was his greeting to Wright, who smiled, but did indeed have a phone against his ear.

"What brings you here?" Just after pressing the phone into his chest so his question to Edgeworth could not be heard by his babbling client.

"I came to check on the status of your Baby Octopi Liberation effort."

"I'm in negotiations with the Oppressors as we speak."

"Ah. Don't let me interrupt; I'll wait," leaning against the wall.

Phoenix returned the phone to his ear, not surprised that his client didn't even notice his absence. Several yeps, uh-huhs and sures later, the client finally hung up.

Phoenix kept the phone against his ear, though.

"... The US president has already agreed to lend military support for our efforts if talks go sour ... You heard me! ... I don't care what happened last time, they'll mess you up! ... And don't you dare touch an Octopus before I reach Pyongyang, you sick bastards," before hanging up his office phone with a dramatic slam.

Phoenix: ...okay, I'll admit that is actually kind of funny.

Edgeworth: Which is exactly why it's so out of place.

Phoenix: Oh, yes. We aren't allowed to have nice things. This is the sporking theatre, after all.

Edgeworth: Glad to know you're catching on.

Phoenix: (I've been in here as much as you have, you jerk.)

" ... That was moving."

"Well, I'm passionate about this issue."

"And when will you be going to Pyongyang?"


"Hm. Pity."

" ... Huh? Why?"

"I've recently become available."

Wright froze momentarily.

" ... The free-for-lunch kind of available, or ... ?"

Edgeworth nodded, which brought a rather charming smile to the defense lawyer's face.

Edgeworth: I would not describe your smile as charming.

Phoenix: Please don't tell me what you would describe it as.

Edgeworth: Hmph. If you insist.

Phoenix: (...great. Now I'm curious.)

Phoenix opened his mouth to say something, couldn't remember what that something was, and settled on just watching Miles, for a minute.

"Have you nothing to say?"

Wright stood upward, moving in front of Edgeworth ... putting on a sexy smirk for his infatuation.

"So ... how much longer will you make your young, sexy, passionate plan-B lover wait?"

"When did you say those abs would be done ... ?"

" ... " with a frown.

"Kidding," Edgeworth explained, "I suspect I've two more weeks, before giving in to you."

Phoenix: If you were going to wait two weeks, why bother going and telling me you were "available"?

Edgeworth: To torment you, I assume.

Phoenix: ... *sigh*

Edgeworth: I really don't know what you were expecting.

Phoenix: I don't know either.

Miles' admission brought that smirk back.


"Before you speak, let me explain myself. Those comments about Mr. Sex-god's body. They weren't meant to wound your self-esteem and encourage you to seek out a gym-membership," Miles' gaze moved off to the side, "I acted smug and satisfied because I wanted you to move on."

"Well, I'm glad that plan failed miserably," cheerily. And failed miserably it did. Funny that the words aimed at crippling Wright's will to pursue him ended up encouraging Wright to triple his efforts at winning him back.

"My leaving you had nothing to do with sex, Wright. I'm not that vain."

"I never thought that was the reason, Edgeworth."

Phoenix was beginning to realize what was really bothering Miles about all this.

Phoenix: ...about the relationship? Because I still haven't figured that out.

Edgeworth: Nor have I. I've been too focused on the fact that I was having sex with Damon Gant.

Phoenix: At least that's over now.

Edgeworth: It'd be nice to believe that.

Phoenix: And now you've jinxed it.

Edgeworth: I believe the one jinxing it was you.

"I might have made a mistake, Wright," he admitted, eyes shifting back toward Phoenix, "I might be making one now."

Edgeworth: *opens mouth*

Phoenix: Leave it alone, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Very well then.

"You're going to have to commit a bit more before calling me a mistake ... " The young lawyer teased, placing his arm onto the wall beside Edgeworth's head, so his fingers could idly touch that odd-colored hair.

Edgeworth: hair isn't odd.

Phoenix: Yeah, maybe for old men it isn't.

Edgeworth: Have you seen your hair lately?

Phoenix: Yes, because your bangs are so normal.

Edgeworth: I'm pretty sure they can't qualify as a weapon.

Phoenix: You'd better watch out, or I'll stab you with this "weapon". Take that!

Speakers: Ahem.

Both: ... *sigh*

"Or avoid you entirely," the prosecutor tested.

"You should know by now that such a tactic won't work on me."


"So ... " a smirk again, "can you afford a kiss for your young, sexy, passionate plan-B lover?"

The edge of Miles' lip curled, amused.

Wright considered that a yes.

He pressed forward, beginning a very soft, sensual kiss. Just lips brushing against each other, initially. Edgeworth was the perfect height for him ... only having to tilt his head slightly downward to receive the prosecutor's mouth. Their tongues met ... and Phoenix's right arm snaked around Miles' waist, hand pressing into his back before slowly questing downward ...

Edgeworth: ...I told you I was available about two minutes ago.

Phoenix: I think I'm beginning to see why our last relationship failed. Also, I'm only 2 cm shorter than you.

Edgeworth: The more I look at the passage, the more I'm not entirely sure who the taller one is.

"Mm," Edgeworth protested ... grabbing at that sneaky touch and pulling from Wright's kiss just as it began to get wild, "the young, sexy, passionate plan-B lover is being greedy."

"Your passionate, horny plan-B sexy-lover has been a little lonely ..."

"When did horny sneak in there?"

"Sometime between kissing you and nearly touching your butt," Phoenix declared, still holding him, massaging the prosecutor's lower back.

Edgeworth: *puts face in hands and sighs*

Phoenix: This conversation is a trainwr... a disaster.

Edgeworth: This fic is a disaster.

"I have to return to my office ... "

"But, we're having a moment."

"Remove yourself from me or I'll be forced to ruin the moment."

"Ha. You can't ruin this moment."

"Hm. Really?"


Edgeworth moved close to Wright's mouth, and said in a teasing little whisper: "Two nights ago, these lips were sucking on someone else's dick."

" ... Yeah, you murdered it." Phoenix stepped back. Smiling, though.

Phoenix: I really didn't want to know that.

Edgeworth: Neither did I, for that matter, but there it is anyway.

Miles stayed still, for a moment ... a hint of amusement on his face. He moved next to the other, leaning to speak

softly in his ear: "That wasn't supposed to give you an erection."

Phoenix swallowed, gazing down at his own bulge. Of course Edgeworth would notice ... "You said lips, suck and dick in the same sentence. We can't hold him accountable," he explained, voice as quiet as Edgeworth's.

" ... 'him?'" as he quirked a brow, "Do you still talk to your penis, Wright?"

Both: *groan*

March 21, 3:11 PM

Outside of Phoenix Wright's Office


Maya pressed her ear against the door, struggling to hear the two lawyers' conversation.

She thinks Phoenix said something about a kiss ... but both men became quiet, afterwards. Certain they were still talking, she strained her ear, held her breath ...

"Maya. Get off the door; I don't want to hit you."


Maya hopped back, colored How Embarrassing Red.

Miles pushed through the door, sparing a glance toward the panic-stricken girl.

"How did you know ... ?" She squeaked.

"I assume you do this all the time and Wright never noticed."

" ... Yes," she was flat-out unable to lie to the enigmatic prosecutor.

"I suppose someone should be keeping tabs on him. -- Have a good evening, Maya," as he moved to leave.

"Mr. Edgeworth?"


"For your guys' lunch conversation tomorrow ... " she grinned widely, "maybe you should ask Nick about his ... 'research.' "

"Hm," looking smug, " I will."

Phoenix: Why does Maya have to get dragged into this, too?

Edgeworth: Quit whining. For all we know, her role will never get any less minor than it is here.

Phoenix: I'm not whining.

Edgeworth: You most definitely are.

Phoenix: Am not.

Edgeworth: We're not starting this, Wright.

Phoenix: Fine, be that way.

March 21, 3:14 PM

Phoenix Wright's Office


Phoenix, at his desk, smiling.

"Aww, you're glowing," Maya pointed out.

Phoenix covered his eyes, "Just ... ignore the dopey look on my face."

Edgeworth: That's rather hard to do.

Phoenix: Hey!

"So! You two are back together ... ?" forever serving as Wright's little cheerleader.

"Maybe. Well, probably, but ... not yet."

The odd answer made her blink.

"Ok. You don't get it ... "

"Get what?" Maya asked.

"This is going to sound ... ridiculous. But ... he did something, when we were nine years-old, that changed my view on ... everything. My opinions on justice and humanity, how I live my life, becoming a lawyer ... he was the source. It was all him. And when he was, mine ... "

Edgeworth: You realize, of course, that most people-

Phoenix: Let's not get into this conversation, okay?

Edgeworth: I'm just pointing out that it's extremely odd.

Phoenix: Yeah, yeah.

Maya smiled.

But Wright's expression became ... vulnerable.

"I don't ... understand why he left me. He never really explained it. All I have are suspicions. I think he's become some sort of ... weird combination, of both pride and self-loathing. Maybe he has some sort of vendetta against happiness.

Phoenix: Well...

Edgeworth: Wright.

Phoenix: Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: No.

Maybe he thinks I'm a silly child.

Edgeworth: Because that's exactly what you are in this fic.

Phoenix: I... yeah, I can't figure out how to possibly object to that.

I don't know. He left, and, I thought I'd be ok as just-friends ... so I tried to let go, but I couldn't. He mentioned a new man and I, got desperate ... Edgeworth recognized that, and tried to push me away."

Maya frowned at the shift in the story's mood.

"But, I didn't give up. And he's, giving in. He's giving in," nodding, smiling again, "I'm going to get him back. No more anxiety. He'll be mine, again, and ... I won't let him go, this time."

Edgeworth: That... is extremely creepy. It makes you sound like a yandere.

Phoenix: Like a what?

Edgeworth: Nothing.

March 26, 1:06 PM

Police Department


"Gumshoe!" as Phoenix ran toward his desk.

"Hey, pal."

"Have you seen Edgeworth?" He was being a bit loud ... always the excitable child.

" ... What?"

"His secretary is telling me he's been on vacation since last Thursday, but I went out to lunch with him on Saturday and he didn't even mention anything. And I've been calling his cell and stopping by his house the last few days ... He's not there, even when he should be home sleeping. I can't get in touch with him."

"Oh, well, uhh ... he's been, at my house."

Phoenix stared at him.


Could it be ... Mr. Sex-god?!

Both: *stare at screen in open-mouthed horror* ... *burst into laughter*

"I ... don't believe it!" and he jumped at Gumshoe, "Show me your pecs!"

"Hey, hey, HEY!" the detective shouted as Wright began squeezing his pecs through his shirt.

Man-boobs ... definitely not Mr. Sex-god!

Phoenix: H-Hey, wait, this isn't funny anymore.

Edgeworth: On the contrary, Wright. It's even funnier.

Phoenix: Wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for you.

Edgeworth: Bluffing violence is much less effective when I am sitting right next to you.

Phoenix: *pouts*

Edgeworth: (The fic is more accurate than he thinks when it describes him as child...)

They were being loud.

They were attracting attention.

And, of course, Damon Gant, who had been discussing a case with one of the detectives in the corner of the room, noticed them.

"Back off, pal!" swatting Phoenix's hands away, "What the hell is the matter with you?!"

"How distracting. Shouldn't we save shameless displays of affection for when we're off-duty, detective Gumshoe?" Gant questioned, joining the two.

"H-he ... just started groping me! This is sexual assault!" Gumshoe explained, face flushed.

Phoenix: *puts head in hands* I can't believe there's a fanfic where I actually sexually assaulted Gumshoe.

Edgeworth: More to the point... the fic acknowledges that sexual assault exists. Which begs the question, what was the author thinking when it came to Gant and me?

Phoenix: ...that you'd be too prideful to report him?

Edgeworth: ...there's no shame in being a victim.

Phoenix: That's what you say, but-

Edgeworth: Now is neither the time nor the place for this discussion, Wright.

"Well, you're in the perfect place to file for a restraining order.--"

"--Why is Edgeworth staying with you?" Wright asked almost glumly, somehow managing to ignore that extra-large serving of orange beef standing next to them.

Damon's smile vanished.

"Someone threatened him recently and he wanted a place to stay, for a while," Gumshoe gruffed, adjusting his shirt.

"Did he file a report?" Gant inquired. Very quick to ask, lest he get interrupted again.

" ... No. Said he got threats all the time, so there wasn't any point."

"How silly of him. As a prosecutor, he should know that having police records proving a history of suspicious harassment can only help protect him from future harm."

Edgeworth: ...he actually does have a point.

Phoenix: That's kind of scary.

Edgeworth: Well, it couldn't have made it to be Chief of Police without occasionally having a point, I suppose.

"Well. He seemed a bit ... distraught, over the whole thing. Don't think he was in a clear state-of-mind."

"It must have been bad, to unnerve Edgeworth ... " Phoenix stated, briefly musing as to why Miles wouldn't ... at least, say something to him. The prosecutor seemed to be in a rather good mood when he visited Wright's office and went out to lunch with him ... "Gumshoe. Is he ... ok?"

The detective smiled, "Doing a lot better, now. He said he's going back to work starting Sunday."

Gant tilted his head to the side, then said, "I wish he had trusted in our police department. Of course we would do our best to protect the men and women who uphold the law.--"

"--One would hope the police force would do their best to protect any and all potential victims," Phoenix pointed out.

Damon blinked at this ... obnoxious young man.

Phoenix: Hey!

Edgeworth: *snickers*

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: No pouting, Wright.

Phoenix: Oh, yes, because pouting is exactly why you were called in over this fic.

Edgeworth: ...shut up.

A rather awkward silence ensued.

Gant folded his arms about his chest, and began to wonder why this ... character, was asking about Edgeworth. "Such a thorough understanding of the justice system ... you must be a lawyer," Gant said, tone so synthesized that it put Phoenix on edge.

" ... Yes, a defense lawyer. Not too much experience, but I've yet to lose a case," he explained. Now he couldn't ignore this strange man, even if he wanted to.

"Then you ... should, know who I am. Damon Gant, chief of this fine department," extending a hand, lazily.

"Phoenix Wright," shaking that hand.

More silence.

Gant continued to stare.

Wright looked away.

Gumshoe shifted, uncomfortable.

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Say something, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Something.

Phoenix: Har, har, har.

Edgeworth: You asked.

... Is this man the one who kept you from me, Worthy? Damon decided to test this theory.

"So Gumshoe," switching the subject, a wide smirk on his face, "are the rumors about Edgeworth ... true?"

Both of them looked at Damon with a questioning expression.


"You know ... those rumors," Gant repeated, before forming a circle with his left hand and lifting it toward his own lips, mimicking the motions of a blow job.

Both men's faces went pale.

Edgeworth: -in the middle of the Criminal Affairs Department?!

Phoenix: Um, apparently.

Edgeworth: I... I don't even know what to say to that.

Phoenix: This is surreal.

"I heard he'll get his mouth on you within moments of dropping your pants ... ah, if only I were several years younger ... Typically, I prefer women, but I'd make an exception for Edgeworth," stroking his beard, as though he were imagining the act.

Gumshoe looked downward as though he were thinking about it, too ...

Edgeworth: What.

Phoenix: Oh, this conversation isn't going to end well.

Edgeworth: Isn't going to end well? It didn't even begin well.

Phoenix: In other words, it's appropriate for this fic.

Edgeworth: Well, at least there's one context where it's appropriate.

Phoenix: See? You can be optimistic if you try!

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: I think I'm funny.

Edgeworth: You'd be the only one.

Phoenix became heated -- and not in a sexual way. "Ok, first," and he smacked Gumshoe's arm pretty hard, "Don't try anything; Edgeworth just got out of a relationship and he's likely feeling emotionally-vulnerable."

"I wasn't going to do anything!" Gumshoe huffed, "I'm a gentleman."

Emotionally-vulnerable? I doubt it. Gant mused, though he did like the thought of Edgeworth being damaged, by that whole little episode.

Phoenix: And so I come leaping to your defense...

Edgeworth: Why is "emotionally vulnerable" hyphenated?

Phoenix: Why is that the only thing you take away from this passage?

Edgeworth: Because you leap to just about everyone's defense. I don't know why fanfic authors continue to think that you sticking up for me is somehow significant.

Phoenix: ...that doesn't mean you can get away with not thanking me.

Edgeworth: Oh yes I can.

"Second, that rumor is a lie. Edgeworth is picky when it comes to relationships, sexual or otherwise. What's more is that he prefers monogamous, long-term relationships, sexual or otherwise. So, the connotation that he would ... suck off, anybody who flashed their penis at him, is an outrageous lie. The world may wish Edgeworth was that easy, but that doesn't make it true. He must've ... offended someone here, with one of his brutally honest observations. It's the only explanation I have for why such a ridiculous allegation would be--"

Phoenix: Did you die and I somehow turn into a Fey? Because I am clearly channeling you here.

Edgeworth: Except you didn't use the word "connotation" correctly.

Phoenix: Appreciate my efforts, will you?

"--You seem awfully certain of this," smoothly, "Where do you get your information from?"

"We're childhood friends.

Edgeworth: ...that... really doesn't explain it...

Phoenix: Maybe I'm trying to convince him I'm just making assumptions.

Edgeworth: In that case, your entire spiel was next to worthless.

Phoenix: Yeah, thanks.

-- On that note, where do you get your information from, Mr. Gant? A man in your position shouldn't be promoting such slanderous gossip. You're the chief of police, not a desperate, bored housewife, and it's an embarrassing statement on how this department is run, honestly."

Gumshoe, and some of the other detectives nearby, were staring ... shocked by the random rookie lawyer that had strut into the police building and was now trying to emasculate Damon Gant.

However, after Phoenix was finished with his ... cute little display of loyalty, Gant slowly smiled. A moment later, he even added chuckle.

"Forgive me, Mr. Wright. I was only teasing detective Gumshoe. Consider it a display of blue-collar humor."

"That isn't-- "

"--My professional career has actually crossed paths with Prosecutor Edgeworth's numerous times ... and I've nothing but respect for him, and everything he has accomplished within the legal community at such a young age. In fact, I even recommended him for several high-profile trials to my good friend, chief prosecutor Lana Skye. I've observed both his character and skill for years, now ... and feel he is quite worthy of his mentor, the flawless prosecutor Manfred Von Karma, also a good friend of mine."

Phoenix: ...which should be a neon warning sign.

Edgeworth: Unless, somehow, von Karma didn't go to jail any more than Gant did.

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: This is the worst AU ever.

Phoenix: You can say that again.

Phoenix became quiet, unsure whether he could believe this strange man ...

Gant was still wearing his rather wide smile. It was time for the young lawyer to leave, he decided, now that he had extracted plenty of information from this conversation.

"Unfortunately, Mr. Wright, we've created a bit of a scene, here. Unless you're pursuing court-related business, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You seem prone to rather noisy outbursts ... and while I do admire your zealous nature, it can be quite distracting to the important work which is being done here. Having said this, if you're ever in need of my professional assistance ... you are always welcome."

Leave it to Damon ... to smother a situation with insincerity.

They all scattered like worthless insects.

Phoenix departed with a wordless nod. Gumshoe excused himself, wanting to avoid any more confrontation. The nosy detectives went back to their work.

Gant stood there, with a cool expression.

It was time to reclaim his prince.

Edgeworth: ...oh.

Phoenix: Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Edgeworth: I fear that the rape will be unambiguous this time.

Phoenix: Maybe I'll come swooping in to your rescue this time around.

Edgeworth: Or maybe, as this is more likely, it will only cause further relationship drama between the two of us.

Phoenix: It's not like fic-me has a great track record of actual intelligence and no commenting that real me doesn't have a great track record there either.

Edgeworth: I don't need to. You did it yourself.

Phoenix: ... (I'm going to blame him anyway.)

March 27, 3:06 PM

Dick Gumshoe's Car


"Hey. -- Hold on a sec. I'm driving, so I'll put you on speaker," then did so before offering a more proper greeting, "Hello, this is detective Gumshoe."

"Hello, Gumshoe."

"Hey, Edgeworth! How are you feeling?" He split his attention between Miles and the road ... trying to multitask was always difficult, for him.

Phoenix: Ugh, he's going to run into a telephone pole again. Poor Gumshoe.

Edgeworth: That hasn't happened yet in this fic.

Phoenix: ...yeah, come to think of it... if this were real life, right about now, I'd think you were dead.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: And if the author wanted relationship drama between us, why not just use that? That's probably the most dramatic that any of my relationships have ever been.

Edgeworth: Didn't you have a girlfriend who tried to kill you?

Phoenix: Yeah, but you're- ...I just realized there's no graceful way out of this conversation.

Edgeworth: That's what you get for bringing up the time I "chose death".

Phoenix: Yeah, yeah...

"Very well."

"So you're home now, right? Are you comfortable? If not--"

"I am comfortable. And I understand your door is always open."

"Good, good."

"And thank you, for everything."

"Not a problem."

After a quiet moment, "I consider it my duty as a prosecutor to explore the criminal mind ... and try to understand the methods, the logic, of the filth of humanity ... strictly so that I can vilify them in court to the utmost extent. Unfortunately, I sometimes feel I'm ... absorbing the vindictive behavior, I see from such people. Or perhaps this ... harshness, I feel, was always there, and I've only recently become conscious of it."

"Edgeworth, you're not--"

"--Anyway. It's ... a necessity, that I interact with people like you ... to remind myself that I don't live in a world entirely composed of vicious behavior and ill intentions."

Phoenix: That's kind of touching.

Edgeworth: It is, actually.

Phoenix: Which means, of course, that it's grossly out-of-character.

Edgeworth: Excuse you.

" ... "

"Forgive me; I haven't been working, and that's given me too much time for self-reflection."

"You're too hard on yourself. You have a high moral standard, and that's why you're such a good prosecutor. And it's also why you're beating yourself up for nothing. Not because you're somewhat evil and you understand evil or you're an evil-sponge and whatever else you might have mentioned while I absent-mindedly made a left at a red light ... "

" ... I better hang up before you kill yourself; Just one thing, though. Can you stop by my office on Sunday, around two? I want to go over your testimony for the Bongani case. I realize it's your day off, so I'll ... treat you to lunch, afterwards."

"Heh. Ok, sure."

"Don't forget."


"And, again ... you've my sincerest gratitude."


Phoenix: Maybe you should raise his pay.

Edgeworth: Did Detective Gumshoe put you up to this?

Phoenix: No, of course not. He barely ever complains about his low pay... mainly because you'd probably cut his pay for complaining.

Edgeworth: ...

March 29, 7:39 AM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office



Both: Uh oh.

Movies always do it wrong.

You can't put a few drops of it on a rag, smack it against someone's mouth and then they just instantly fall unconscious. It takes a fairly decent amount to put someone to sleep. And it takes some time, too. Almost a full minute, if not more.

During this time, strong-willed prey, like Edgeworth, will struggle.

The prosecutor had made a few mistakes. Telling Gumshoe he was going to return to work on a Sunday and being too distracted by the police report in his hand to check the corners of his office for any lurking danger, when he entered.

Gant was quick. Rag on those lips, arm around that waist.

Phoenix: *gets up* Well, it was nice knowing you, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Get back here, Wright. *drags him back into his seat* This is your punishment too.

"The only prosecutor masochistic enough to work on a Sunday," he whispered in that ear, as Edgeworth twisted wildly in his grip. One hand was attempting to claw at his face. Using his large body, he shoved the squirming man into the wall. Pure strength allowed Damon to pin Miles' head between his shoulder and rag-wielding hand.

"I would have preferred to do this to you at night, in the privacy of your home," squeezing that body, "But Gumshoe has been staking out your house for the past two nights. Did you realize that? Such a nice guy, really. And so smitten with you. You should have sucked him off, once or twice. Drank a genuinely nice guy's cum."

Edgeworth: Eurgh.

Phoenix: Again, poor Gumshoe.

Edgeworth: Poor me.

Phoenix: Poor you is 99% of the fic, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I know.

Edgeworth's struggling began to weaken, considerably. When he began to lose the ability to stand on his own, Damon pulled that body against his, supporting it ...

Gloved hand snatched that chin, pulling that face up to look into those dazed eyes. "Instead, you drank my cum ... you're far more of a whore than you'd care to admit, Worthy."

"Mm," was the only response Miles could offer.

Gant smirked as he witnessed the prosecutor's drug-induced torpor. "Feels like an orgasm, doesn't it?" He pressed a hand between Edgeworth's legs, groping that covered erection. "Seems your dick loves chloroform ... "

Both: What.

Speakers: Yeah. Everything in this fic gives people boners.

Phoenix: No one asked you!

Speakers: Hmph.

That body arched, weakly, at his touch.

"I met your little boy-toy, Mr. Wright. Childhood lovers? He was quite precious ... unassuming, sweet, honest. Nothing like you, Worthy. That's where your shame derives from, yes? A contemptuous, manipulative slut like yourself doesn't belong with him," hand sliding underneath the rim of Miles' pants, stroking that flesh directly, now, "you belong with me."

Both: ...

Phoenix: *starts singing* Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you-

Edgeworth: For the love of god, Wright, stop it before you do permanent damage to my ears.

Phoenix: Like you could do better.

Edgeworth: I'm not even going to respond to that.

No sneers. Only soft breathing. Damon chuckled, watching his defenseless toy. He rather liked seeing the attorney, like this.

"Far too pretty," touching that lower lip with his thumb, before returning that rag to Edgeworth's mouth to finish the job.

He nuzzled into that pale cheek, before whispering ... "I'm going to do horrible, horrible things to you."

Both: We know.

[The lights come back on.]

Phoenix: *gets up, stretches* So, the other half of the fic?

Speakers: If you're lucky, we might give you a third person.

Phoenix: Sounds like a hollow promise to me.

Edgeworth: And backtalk like that is exactly the reason why you're here, Wright. *gets up* Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go home and take a very, very long shower.

Phoenix: Yeah, have fun with that. Try not to think about the shower scene in this fic.

Edgeworth: You just have to ruin everything, don't you?

Phoenix: Yep. That's my job.

Edgeworth: It is not.

Phoenix: Is too...

[And so our still-bickering sporkers leave. What happens in the remaining five chapters? And did anyone ever tell those two there's a sequel? Find out next time, and by next time I mean either tomorrow or next week. Don't you love school?]

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

Daaang, Airey. I could actually picture them going more and more insane as the sporking progressed. Still, I can't help but feel that the Management seems a little too social with these guys. However, given that this IS a special edition punishment sporking, I'll be lenient with it and let it slide.

I feel like adding in Gumshoe or a third person would have livened it up a bit, though. It's fun hearing these two converse, but there's not a lot of variety of personalities with just two. Also, I'd like to ask: are these two set in the original trilogy timeline or DD's? I feel like they don't really act like how you'd expect them to be as their older counterparts, but I guess it's not too bad, since they are alone.

Lastly, just as a technicality, I see you cut out some explicit language with justice , but there was one instance of the F-bomb that wasn't.

And now I'm not sure I should submit my work just yet. I'm curious to see what happens when it's time for Phoenix's punishment sporking... and Edgeworth would probably be around to join him. These two are just inseparable.

Edit: Finally finished revising the first two chapters of mine. Shall I deliver it in here now or save it in case someone has something to post first?
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

You know, a Mario game!

Gender: Male

Location: Canada, eh?

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:05 pm

Posts: 1957

I'm done! Let's see how you guys like this sporking.

Our sporkers are:

Phoenix Wright! :phoenix:
"Why do I sometimes wish I've never been born?"

Apollo Justice! :apollo:
"Hopefully this isn't as bad as last time."

Klavier Gavin! :klavier:
"Why do I feel an overwhelming sense of dread?

And Trucy Wright!
"Cheer up, prosecutor Gavin, it'll be okay!

*The sporking theater is quiet. Two men and a teenage girl are already in their seats. Another man comes in, and sits down next to them*

Klavier: So, what is this fic about?

Phoenix: We weren't told much. All that we know is that it apparently has to do with rape and underage sex.

Apollo: So nothing we haven't already sat through before.

* The lights dim, and the fic starts*

What Dreams May Come

Apollo: More like nightmares.

Klavier had always reassured himself that his dreams meant nothing, even since those first days of tentative exploration, the wonder of discovery and the fear of getting caught. Simple, mindless dreams of how soft a woman’s breasts were supposed to be, or vague images of just being close to another warm body. True love’s first kiss, and something about weddings, after the dragons were slain.

Klavier:...And we're off to a great start already.

Apollo: I never knew that you slew dragons, Prosecutor Gavin!

Phoenix: That's the part of the paragraph you decided to focus on?

Apollo: I guess I've been through enough of these that I've gotten used to stuff like this. Dragon slaying is not something that usually comes up here.

As he grew older, those vague ideas took on a more technical note, fed by classes and dull reading. Anatomy. The insertion of a man’s penis into a woman’s vagina. He understood things better. Getting hard or wet. Where babies came from. But it was hard to think of the pleasures of his dreams so coldly.

Trucy: Is this what you thought about in your actual childhood, Prosecutor Gavin?

Klavier: What?! Of course not! I would never-

Phoenix: Relax, Klavier, we just got started with this.

Klavier: ...Right.

He slowly began to understand the words around him. Slut. Blow. Tits. Kind of vulgar, but they made him excited when he heard them from the older kids. He began to dream of his own pleasure. A faceless body, kneeling, subservient to his every whim. Harsh, wild sex that could only be called fucking. A servant, a slave, who would blow him under his desk and bend over backwards to fulfill every desire.

Klavier: What is with these fics and making me want slaves?!

Apollo: At least it's not making you the slave.

…although, some odd, strange nights, he couldn’t help but think of himself as the slave. Bound. Helpless. Subject to his master’s every whim. Or his mistress’. Forced to do every naughty thing he’d ever heard of and enjoy it. Forced to enjoy everything inflicted on his helpless body without guilt.

Apollo: I stand corrected.

Klavier: *Sweats profusely*

He began to realize his own strange tendencies. For one, there was never a huge moment of discovery. He simply thought about it, and, really, it didn’t matter if he dreamed of boys or girls. He just hadn’t known two men could…do that. But it came to him as naturally as breathing. For a while, in fact, his favorite fantasy was one of having the soft, supple breasts of a woman beneath him and the hard, muscular body of a man behind him, and simply enjoying both without having to decide.

Trucy: I didn't know you were into this sort of thing, Prosecutor Gavin!

Klavier: That's... not me! That's just some punk pretending to be me!

Apollo: Suuuure it is.

*The fic continues to describe his fantasies in great detail.*

He discovered the joys of the Internet, even as his dreams grew more warped. Because, as he began to fantasize about cute, innocent virgins, they inevitably grew younger, and younger, until he couldn’t even admit to himself that he was thinking of children.

Trucy: *Gets up and sits several seats away from Klavier*

Klavier: Ngghhh! And here I thought my image couldn't be more damaged than it was during Blackmail!

Phoenix: No matter how bad things seem, they can always get worse. Trust me, I know from experience.

Other times they grew older, and older — old enough to be a father, a teacher, a boss at work. His imagined slaves and harems grew subject to longer bouts of sexual torture, and they adored him for it. His thoughts grew twisted and dark some days, even as he writhed and jerked on the bed. There were days when nothing else WORKED. Days when romance and love only gave him an endless, aching yearning, but a few moments of the dirtiest, sickest pleasure made him see stars.


Trucy: Prosecutor Gavin, are you twitching?

Apollo: Wouldn't you be uncomfortable in this situation?

He would have worried, if he admitted to himself just how depraved some of his fantasies were. How he cornered unwilling men and women and forced them, made them cry sometimes, made them beg others. Even more filthy were the dreams were he imagined himself being forced, raped, made to beg and cry himself. It was unbearably arousing. Why?

Klavier: Here's a better question: Why do these fic writers seem to think that I'm some sort of twisted pervert?! This is the second one in a row!

Apollo: Probably a coincidence. Maybe.

Whips, chains, and toys began to pepper his dreams. More torture. Fetishes. He’d spend what seemed like hours, late at night, trying to sleep, obsessing over every detail of a beautiful foot, a neck, a hand with long, delicate fingers that glittered with polish. Long hair he could play with, or short, wild hair he could barely grasp. Darker obsessions.

Choking, once. Whipping, another. The pain and pleasure of strange, alien creatures with extra arms or tongues or tentacles. Massive groups of people, orgies, or being forced to serve one person after another, like a whore. All of it, as his hands guiltily squeezed and stroked the flesh between his legs, every night, in the dark, lonely bed he slept in.

Phoenix: Like I said, it can always get worse.

Klavier: Nggh!

*The fic continues to describe his psyche*

Tonight was no different. He was bound to his bed. He’d felt especially angry today, angry at classmates who couldn’t keep up and idiots who couldn’t drive and…he wanted to strike out, to hurt them. He wanted to forced each one down and take his pleasure of them, leave them crying and bleeding and…no. No.

Klavier: Seriously, what have I done that makes people think I'm some sort of sexual predator?!

Phoenix: Well, I've been seeing you eyeing Trucy in an odd way.

Trucy: Prosecutor Gavin! I didn't know you'd-

Phoenix: Relax, I'm only joking.


So, in his mind, his master berated him. Weak. He should be punished for such bad thoughts. He mentally began to construct his lover for that nights. Tall. Strong. Long, torturous fingers, very smooth, with long, perfect nails. A very large dick, of course, for making him ache. Piercing eyes. What else? Longer hair, he imagined. Long enough to tease and torture him with. Kind of like his own. Handsomely dressed. A full suit, maybe? So he could be calm and composed while he tortured him.

Phoenix: Wait, so who is this "master"?

Apollo: I'd got a feeling I know, but... no. There's no way this fic could....

Phoenix: Never underestimate the perversity of these people.

Klavier licked his lips. He was already feeling warm, pretending he was bound to the bed, unable to move, looking up into those dark, cruel eyes. Fingers slowly traced the side of his neck, and he pretended they weren’t his own. Down, to his chest, to dark nipples that always felt kind of funny when he squeezed them. It wasn’t fiery, burning pleasure, but it made him feel warm inside. His lover laughed at him. So easily turned on. He squeezed harder, tugging at the stiff little peaks, moving one hand to his mouth to slick the nipple with saliva, and with the other, poking with his long fingernails.

Phoenix: So, wait, is there really another person here, or is it all in his head?

Apollo: Well, if he's able to lick his own nipples, he must be pretty flexible.

Trucy: So, prosecutor gavin, are you able to do that?


Torturous. His lover’s sharp hands, playing with his chest, but not moving down, down where he needed to be touched. He saw flashes of his lover’s hands, flashes of those eyes, but the man — a man, of course, to punish him — was hidden in the shadows.

He looked like…

Klavier: This fic isn't going where I think it's going, is it?

Apollo: I think it is.

Klavier: Ngggh!

*The fic continues to describe his fantasy*

Strong hands grabbed him, and he was against the bed once more. Strong hands pulled him away from his own pleasure. A head — but not a face, he couldn’t see the face — kissed his belly, and long, blond hair — just like his own, just as he’d imagined — fluttered and danced against his skin. Torment.

Klavier: No... NO! It can't be!

Apollo: I'm starting to wonder if the author of this fic is just using Prosecutor Gavin as a scapegoat for their own perverse fantasies.

Phoenix: Probably.

His lover needed a name. Something for him to cry out. What name could he give someone of his own creation? Cruel, and cold, knowing every inch of him so intimately and torturously…

Lord. Master. He let them fall from his lips, but his lover chuckled.

You know who I am, don’t you? his lover whispered.

Apollo:....That's it, all is lost.

Klavier: Easy for you to say, Herr Forehead, you're not the one who's image is being spoiled here!

Klavier smiled. You’re my fantasy for tonight, he thought, letting his fingers squirm back down his legs. He played with the hot sacs of flesh hanging between his legs and groaned at the sensation. He was getting close now. But in his mind, it was his lover, spreading his legs deliciously wide, teasing him, tormenting him with bright WHITE TEETH arranged in a sadistic smile.

You know.

Klavier’s hands were held tightly. He couldn’t move them.

Phoenix: Now I'm even more confused as to whether this is real or just inside his head.

You know. You know. Again and again. Don’t deny it any longer.

Those cold hands at his belly…were scarred. And those hard eyes were covered with glass. That hair, so like his own…


Phoenix: The fic can't hear you.

No, he thought. He was feeling SICK. Queasy. No, this was going too far, even for his most deranged, sickening fantasies.

But his hands began to move again, as if he could not longer control them. He was close…so close…

Apollo: So, wait, is he actually being possessed or something? This is seeming more than just a fantasy.

Phoenix: He can't be possessed, Kristoph isn't dead yet. At least, not at the time this fic supposedly takes place.


His lover’s hands were covering his own, forcing him on, moving his hands faster, tighter, until it was as much pain as pleasure, but he couldn’t reach it…he was so close but he couldn’t reach it…!

Naughty boy, a velvet voice whispered in his ear. How I love you. How I adore you.

Warm lips kissed him, and, for a moment, it felt so real. So much that he lost his breath. He loved him. He loved him.

Klavier:....Herr Forehead.

Apollo: What?

Klavier: Take that tie of yours and strangle me.

Apollo: What?!

Phoenix: Relax, he's only kidding, right?


ou’re mine, the phantom whispered, and Klavier’s heart raced. Him, so dirty, so debauched. So weak. You’ve always been mine. You will always be mine. I love you. No matter what.

That long, hard body embraced him, even as those hands atop his own, were pumping him, harder, making him dance at the edge of a great abyss. Holding him safe, and close, and loved. No matter what.

“BROTHER,” Klavier whimpered, sobbed, into the darkness.

A single finger brushed his lips. “Good boy.”

Klavier: I'm not joking, Herr Forehead! Take your tie, and end this before I lose my sanity!

Apollo: Prosecutor Gavin! You have to go on! The fic has to be almost over!


Klavier awoke the next morning, the last bits of the dream, the fantasy, still in his mind. He cursed those days where his dreams were clear as day, and shoved them out of his mind. He would forget. Forget all of it.

Forget it, forever.

Phoenix: See, Klavier? Even fic you wants to forget this ever happened.

Klavier: That's not making me feel any better.

He stumbled towards the kitchen, half-awake.

“Good morning, Klavier,” someone said behind him, and he turned to see Kristoph — perfect Kristoph — smiling at him.

“You’re back!” he said in shock. “I thought you weren’t due back for another day!” For a moment, he forgot himself, and rushed to hold his big brother tightly, as if he was a child again. Kristoph’s warm arms always made him feel…


…no, he wouldn’t think that.

Klavier:....Please, just let this be over soon.

Phoenix: Actually, we still have a ways to go.


“We had to cancel that last bit of our trip because of bad weather,” Kristoph said cheerfully. He dragged Klavier to the kitchen and sat him down with some fresh coffee.

Phoenix: Given what we've seen so far, he wouldn't have to "drag" you anywhere, you'd just come immediately.

Klavier:....It's times like this where I can't tell if you're joking or not.

Apollo: It's probably for the best.

"Trying to keep me short, mm?” Klavier teased. He was nearly as tall as Kristoph, and in another year or two… He chuckled. Not that Kristoph would ever see him as anything but his little brother.

Klavier: Wait, exactly how old am I supposed to be, here?

Apollo: That's a question best left unanswered, I think.

Of course,” Kristoph replied. He leaned over the other side of their counter, and just smiled.

“What?” Klavier asked.

“Nothing, really,” Kristoph replied. “I was just thinking you haven’t changed at all. I remember you used to cry and cry whenever I had to leave. And then,” he smiled again, “when I came back, Mother and Father always had me ask, ‘were you a good boy while I was away, brother?’”

Apollo: Wait, where are your parents, anyway, if you're supposed to be at the very least a teenager? Is Kristoph the one raising you?

Klavier: If he was the one raising me, I don't think I'd be sitting here, talking to you right now.

Klavier went stiff. Naughty boy,, echoed in his head. He felt a twinge in his stomach, a constriction in his throat.

Just a dream. A stupid dream.

Phoenix: Wait, by stiff, do they mean his body went stiff, or-

Klavier: Don't finish that sentence.


He looked up at Kristoph’s smiling face, uncomprehending.

Long, delicate fingers, and a terribly scarred hand slid over his own, and Kristoph said softly, “Were you a good boy?”

Apollo: He'd probably like it better if you weren't, if you catch my drift.

Klavier: Please, Herr Forehead, it's bad enough that this fic is attacking my pride, I don't need you two doing it as well!

Klavier nearly fell out of his seat trying to get up, get away. “Of…of course,” he mumbled.

“Really?” Kristoph’s eyes were sparkling, laughing. “You don’t sound sure."
“Oh! Your bags…should I go get them?” Klavier wanted to change the subject, and quickly.

Trucy: Prosecutor Gavin, do you really feel this way towards your brother?

Klavier:NO! I don't need you doing it, too!

Kristoph waved his hand dismissively. “I brought them in already,” he said. “I didn’t want to wake you up.” He turned back to the stove, humming something to himself, starting on their breakfast as if nothing was wrong.

Wake him…oh god. No. No way. “I’ll be right back,” Klavier said, and went rushing to the bathroom. He felt sick again.

Apollo: Wait, again? He was sick before?

Klavier: Maybe mentally sick, ja?

Kristoph’s door was open. That sick feeling was rising up again as he peeked into the door. Kristoph’s bags were there in a neat pile. Everything was left as it had been before he left. Every…


Kristoph’s bed was rumpled a bit.

Klavier:...I hope they're not implying what I think they're implying.

Apollo: Do you really expect them not to be?

"Bro…” His voice drifted off; ugly, he thought, as he came back to the kitchen. “Brother. When did you get back last night?”

“A little after midnight, I believe,” Kristoph said. He smiled as he brought over two steaming mugs of fresh coffee, and took a long drink. His mouth… Klavier shook his head. No. No, he was not going to watch his brother’s mouth like that.

Klavier: Wait, so now I get pleasure out of watching his MOUTH?!

Apollo: Maybe it means that you want to-


Are you not feeling well, Klavier? You seem a little pale.”

Kristoph’s hand was cool against his forehead. Long fingers. Smooth skin. Klavier suddenly felt very hot. “I’m fine,” he mumbled, pulling away. “I…I didn’t SLEEP WELL.” He was sure to sleep even worse tonight.
“I heard you moaning and tossing about,” Kristoph said softly. He moved closer, as if to touch Klavier again. “Are you sure you’re not ill?”

Klavier: I don't like where this is going.

Phoenix: Did you ever?

“N-no,” Klavier nearly squeaked. He wanted to die. Now.

Klavier: My thoughts exactly.

“I don’t believe you,” Kristoph said, and Klavier backed into a wall. He hadn’t even noticed he was trying to get away.

Kristoph firmly planted an arm on either side of him. “Tell me the truth, Klavier.”

“It was a dream,” Klavier choked out. Kristoph was gazing down at him, suddenly seeming so much bigger and older.

Trapping him. Holding him bound against the wall and…no, that gasp of breath was out of fear, not…not…

Klavier: Wait, am I going to tell him the dream?!

Trucy: You should always tell your family this sort of thing, right Daddy?

Phoenix: Not in this situation.

Kristoph’s arms closed around him, holding him tightly. “A bad dream?” Kristoph said gently. “I remember how you used to come crying into my bed. I used to hold you like this, remember?”

“We’re not children anymore, Kristoph!” Klavier yelled, and pushed Kristoph away, gasping.

Kristoph dusted himself off. “Indeed,” he said, a little stiffly. “A fifteen-year-old boy is far more grown up than the thirteen-year-old who wouldn’t let me go at night.”


Klavier: I'm only FIFTEEN?!

Apollo: And here I thought the implications couldn't possibly get any worse.

Guilt washed over him. “BROTHER…I’m…I’m so sorry,” he said. Idiot. Filthy, useless idiot, he berated himself, but the voice was too much like Kristoph’s, the eyes too much like Kristoph’s disapproving glare, the hands… “Forgive me, please…”

Kristoph’s eyes stared coldly at him for a moment, before he broke back down to his usual smile, and motioned for Klavier to come forward. Klavier nearly ran into his arms. Brother. His brother who loved him and put up with all of his stupid mistakes.

Kristoph gently stroked his hair. “Did you want to tell me about it?”

“I can’t,” Klavier said. “Please…”

Klavier: Please don't tell him, fic me. Please, for my own sanity.

Phoenix: You know he can't hear you.

“It’s better to get these things out. I won’t laugh. You know I won’t laugh.”

Kristoph’s voice was so reassuring, no different than any other night he’d run, terrified, crying, into his beloved older brother’s bed after a scary movie or a strange noise.

Kristoph’s eyes were so kind. “It’s alright,” he said, warm and soothing. “You can tell me anything. I’ll always be here for you. I love you, Klavier,” he said, and Klavier wanted to melt. He loved Kristoph, adored Kristoph, barely deserved his love. “I’m your BROTHER, after all. I’ll always be your brother.”

Phoenix: Did the author of this fic even know the things Kristoph did?!

Apollo: Probably, the sadism of these people knows know bounds.

Why did his kindness have to be such cruelty?

Apollo:...Huh? What the heck does THAT mean?

Klavier: At least it's almost over, by the looks of things.

…” His mouth felt like cotton. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t. Not without destroying everything.

“Trust me, Klavier,” Kristoph said. “Whatever it is…”

“I…I dreamed of you,” Klavier whispered.

Klavier: NOOOOOO!

Phoenix: Just take a deep breath, it's almost over.

Oh?” Kristoph said, raising an eyebrow elegantly. “Well, I’m right here. Whatever you saw, you don’t need to worry.”

“It wasn’t…a bad dream,” Klavier said. When Kristoph said nothing, he managed, “it was…a good dream. A…really good dream.”

“Ah,” was all Kristoph said.

Klavier’s eyes were beginning to sting. “I’m sorry,” he said, and his voice was so small and so weak.

Klavier: We need to reconsider what constitutes a "good" dream.

Apollo: I agree.

Kristoph simply hugged him close again, and, guiltily, he relished in that warmth, that unconditional love. His brother would forgive him anything, even this…SICKNESS.

“You’re not the only one who has dreams, Klavier,” Kristoph said finally. Klavier looked up at him. Kristoph was staring at the wall, his eyes distant and unfocused, as if he were remembering something from far away or long ago. He caught his brother’s look, and gave him a soft smile. “But it is a rare opportunity to truly live them.”

Klavier: NO! Don't tell me he's going to do what I think he's going to do.

What?” Klavier asked, bewildered. “Brother, I don’t think you understand…”

Kristoph merely chuckled. Gently, he pulled them apart. “Someday, you’ll understand, Klavier,” he said. He gave Klavier a soft, oddly lingering kiss on the forehead. Klavier’s finger touched the wet spot. Something nagged the back of his mind. Something….

“Ah, yes,” Kristoph said suddenly, all smiles again. WHITE TEETH glistened. “Do remember to lock your door.”

Klavier: Is he... Implying he's going to rape me?!

*The lights come on in the sporking theater*

Klavier: Thank god that is finally over, ja?

Apollo: I agree. Hopefully the next fic is a somewhat decent one.

Phoenix: I doubt it.
My let's Play channel! Shameless plug!
Current Project: Sly Cooper & The Thievius Racoonus
My Twitter Account
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Bahahahahaha poor Klavier. Maybe he deserves a break, too... just kidding. We all know there's more where that came from.

@Rubia: I imagined that they were probably DD-era but they (especially Phoenix) ended up devolving into more trilogy-era because they were alone. I'll have another go at putting Gumshoe in it for the next part, so they'll both probably act more their age there. (Also the justice thing wasn't me cutting language, it was just genuine instances of the fic using the word "justice" that I wasn't sure how to work around. But that is actually a great idea and now I want to do it... hmm...)
And you should totally post uour spork. I wanna see it!
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

@dimentio Hey, that wasn't bad at all! For a moment there, you made it seem like you were struggling with it, but I don't see how you'd need help. Besides, every time Klavier cringes, I sneer Maybe it's just because of the theater atmosphere, but Klavier sure is getting into hissy fits a lot more lately... not that we'd let up on him. :3

@Airey justice

Comments, questions, criticisms welcome! Really, if there's anything I could improve on, let me know.

Word of the Day

Rating: :sahwit: :sahwit:
This collection of drabbles is obviously written for laughs, so I won't be too harsh with it. Nonetheless, the author doesn't seem to know how to write a proper fic without resorting to massive OOCness and little word crimes that escape a spelling/grammar checker.


Our sporkers today arrive on schedule for their usual schadenfreude-fraught routine. When they arrive, however, they encounter an odd machine sitting in the middle of the theater lobby. The speakers promptly speak up.

Speakers: Welcome back, fellow sporkers! Please pay no mind to the strange contraption sitting in everyone's view for now. First, we have new guests to introduce! Roll call!

Apollo Justice!
:think-think-think: Is there some way out of here? I have toilet cleaning to do, thanks.

Athena Cykes!
:athena: No, you don't! I already did it this morning! Besides, it could actually be fun in here!

Trucy Wright!
:trucy: New guests? Awesome! Maybe it's about time for the classic Mr. Hat to make his triumphant return!

And as her debut in the theater, Juniper Woods!
junie Um... H-hello, everyone! I-I'm glad to be joining you today!

And as their debut as well, Simon Blackquill and Taka!
taka *screech*
:simon: ...So this is the ill-reputed Sporking Theater? To be honest, I'm a little disappointed so far.

Athena: Simon! Glad you could make it!

Trucy: ...Maybe I should leave Mr. Hat out of this.

Apollo: Prosecutor Blackquill? What's he doing here?

Blackquill: I'm here by the Chief Prosecutor's request to act as a temporary substitute for him.

Apollo: Substitute?

Blackquill: He has taken a short leave for today. He did not specify his reasons.

Speakers: That is indeed a disappointment, but rest assured, Miles Edgeworth and Phoenix Wright will be arriving soon enough.

Trucy: Oh, even Daddy's coming?

Athena: The more, the merrier, right?

Apollo: Somehow, I doubt it.

Speakers: In the meantime, the show is up and ready for an audience! Please pick up a copy of the memo on today's presentation and make your way in! Relax and enjoy your stay!

Juniper: ...*fidget*

Athena: You okay, Junie?

Juniper: I'm okay. It's just... you know, nerves...

Athena: Hmm... well, maybe you ought to sit next to Apollo when we head in!

Juniper: Th-Thena! Th-that will only make them worse...

Athena: Relax, Junie! I'm sure he won't mind! Right, Apollo?

Apollo: Huh? Uh, sure. (As long as I'm nowhere close to Blackquill.)

They step into the designated room with scripts in hand and take their seats. Blackquill gives the memo a single glance and tosses it. Taka promptly snatches it up in midair and flings it into the nearest trash bin, and then returns to his perch. With everyone settled in, the lights dim and the screen flickers alight.

Word of the Day

Juniper: ...So is this the title of the fanfic?

Apollo: Looks like it. Sounds like we're back in English class.

Athena: Oh, man! I didn't come here to catch up on my studies! I already graduated!

Trucy: And I already have my own class!

A gallimaufry of vignettes proffered seriatim for your delectation; gleaned from an amalgam of Ace Attorney and the fervid and unwavering pursuit of eminent intellectual erudition! A writer is naught if not a lover of words!

All: ...

Trucy: What the heck is this?

Juniper: I think it's the description for the fanfic...

Athena: Ugh... my head's getting dizzy just by looking at it.

Blackquill: Hmph... Clearly, this author is naught if not a profuse spewer of unintelligible babble that succinctly portends the author's deplorable affectation of lexical prowess.

Apollo: ...Prosecutor Blackquill, please don't.

Blackquill: What of it? We're here to mock the fanfic, aren't we?

Apollo: (Yeah, but the last thing we need now is more "babble" as you so put it.)

Spoiler: Chapter 1
Day 1: Verisimilitude

Athena: Oh! I remember studying this word before! Um, let's see... what was it again?

Juniper: It's a word for "a claim with likeness of the truth". It's come up a few times during my classes too.

Athena: Thanks, Junie!

Apollo: Honestly, Athena, you could have just taken a look at the end of the chapter. The definition is right there.

Athena: I don't want to spoil myself by accident, though!

Juniper: ...Um, if you're wondering, I didn't look down there.

Apollo: Oh, I didn't mean it like that! Thanks again, Juniper.

Juniper: Y-you're welcome... *blush*

"OBJECTION!" Edgeworth pointed his index finger forcefully in Phoenix's direction.

So much so that Phoenix actually took a step backward. He looked at the judge. The man was cringing too.

Athena: Wow, he sure put a lot into it. But I bet Apollo and I can definitely top it if we do it together!

Apollo: I'm not doing it here, if you're thinking that.

Athena: Oh, come on! At least do it for Junie!

Juniper: Th-thena, that really isn't necessary...

Blackquill: ...or tolerated, for that matter.

Athena: ...Spoilsports.

Edgeworth had his head up, chin raised. His arms were crossed. His index finger tapping impatiently against his arm.

"Uh," the judge said, "Mister Edgeworth?"

"I object to the defense's proposal. It is preposterous. A half-formed idea resulting from fallacious logic. A mere verisimilitude intended to steer us away from the truth of the matter at hand. The truth being, without doubt, that the defendant is guilty."

"OBJECTION!" Phoenix shot back and Edgeworth had the nerve to look annoyed and then sniff dismissively in his direction.

The entire courtroom seemed to quiver in anticipation.

This went on for several terse moments before Phoenix realized they were waiting on him.

Trucy: Come on, Daddy! Get with the program!

Athena: Maybe he's just getting into the right mood?

Apollo: Athena, there is only one "mood" to get into when you're in court.

Blackquill: Yes, fear.

Apollo: (...Okay, two.)

"Your Honor," Phoenix said, "It is required by law that the Prosecutor speak only in the language of the court in which these proceedings are taking place."

Edgeworth's eyes shot open wide, nearly bugging out of his head, "You mean English?"

"Yeah," Phoenix said.

"I am speaking English!"

Trucy: ...This version of Daddy doesn't seem too smart.

Apollo: That's how he usually is in these fics, Trucy.

Athena: Or maybe he's secretly hinting at the REAL location this country is set in!

Apollo: ...No, I don't think so.

Trucy: Actually, that makes much more sense! Let's ignore everything else in this fic and go with that.

Juniper: ...Is this how it's supposed to go?

Apollo: I wish.

"Mister Edgeworth, I don't think I understand what you said. I don't know if I should sustain or overrule your objection…"

"Because what? What did I say?" Edgeworth was glaring hard at the judge, "Should we have my objection read back to the court?"

"Yes," the judge said and nodded at the stenographer, "Will you please read back the last statement by the prosecution."

She was an older woman with her graying brown hair pulled back in a severe bun and a chain hung around her neck holding in place a pair of glasses. She cleared her throat audibly and read out loud, "Should we have my objection read back to the court?"

Blackquill: This stenographer should be fired.

Athena: Geez, just for that? She was just doing what they told her to do.

Blackquill: Any stenographer worth his or her job should know not to waste the court's time with ludicrous semantics... just as an defense attorney worth his or her job should know all the better.

Athena: ...

Apollo: ...What? No witty response?

Athena: Yeah, well... birds aren't allowed in court either!

Taka: *screech*

Blackquill: Cykes-dono, do you seriously intend to debate with Taka? He is a veteran of the courts; a mighty warrior and tactician who has earned his greatest honor in the worst of battles. He will not back down from a challenge.

Athena: ...Maybe next time.

Apollo: (*sigh* I will never understand bird fanatics.)

Edgeworth pounded the table with his fist, "No. Please read my objection."

She shot him a dark look and read, ""I object to the defense's proposal. It is preposterous. A half-formed idea resulting from fallacious logic. A mere verisimilitude intended to steer us away—"

"Ah ha!" Phoenix shouted and jabbed his finger in Edgeworth's direction. Edgeworth stared back, incredulous.

"Verisimilitude? Have the standards for qualification among our nation's jurists fallen so low—"

Trucy: Jurists? When have the courts set up jurists outside of that one test trial Daddy was in charge of?

Apollo: Not to mention, Mr. Edgeworth wasn't present for it.

Athena: That's weird. I heard about it, but I don't see any jurists in court yet. Did it not work out or something?

Apollo: Actually, it went pretty well, all things considering.

Athena: Really? Then why?

Blackquill: ...Leave it to the ineptitude of those leading the operations.

Trucy: Who? The Management?

Speakers: Trucy Wright, please do not confuse us with your local government. We are merely in charge of the Sporking Theater and its commodities.

Trucy: ...I got a completely different impression of this place after being here a lot.

"Not verisimilitude! Everybody knows what verisimilitude is! I'm talking about the 'F' word!"

The courtroom seemed to pause in a collective gasp before falling into another shocked silence.

All: ...

Blackquill: So have the standards fallen.

Apollo: That has nothing to do with how badly Mr. Wright is being portrayed here.

Blackquill: On the contrary; I was speaking of the quality of fanfiction these days.

Apollo: ...You've been missing out on a LOT, then.

Athena: Hey, Simon, maybe you could join us for another round after this!

Blackquill: No, thank you. I've had enough of the circus from the last time.

Juniper: Huh?

Trucy: ...Don't ask.

Edgeworth was pulling his hand away from his face, having just slapped his forehead.

"The 'F' word? Wright, what are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb, Edgeworth! It isn't in your nature," Phoenix said and he put his hands on his hips and grinned.

"Don't make me repeat the question, Wright," Edgeworth said.

"Don't make me repeat such a nasty word," Phoenix said.

Juniper: I'm not sure I know where this is going.

Apollo: I don't even want to know where this is going.

Athena: Is it even going anywhere?

Trucy: To some people's ignore lists, maybe?

Apollo: That's where the writer is going, maybe.

"You mean fallacious?" Edgeworth said.

"Shut your mouth!"

Trucy: Hey! Daddy wouldn't say that to anyone, especially not in court!

Athena: And especially with his love-hate relationship with his arch rival!

Apollo: Athena, I think once is enough for that.

Edgeworth stared at his rival blandly for several moments and then cleared his throat, "Wright, what is it about the word, fallacious, that so offends you?"

"Gah! Stop saying it, Edgeworth! I thought you had better manners than that!"

"Is it because I said your logic was fallacious? One could describe your behavior as rather fallacious," Edgeworth crossed his arms.

"Your Honor," Phoenix said looking at the judge, "How can you let this continue?"

Apollo: Based on how the judge usually acts, I say it's pretty expected.

Athena: Does that old man have something against defense attorneys?

Juniper: Really? I thought he was just being strict...

Apollo: Those are rare instances, Juniper.

Athena: Yeah. Most of the time, he's siding with Prosecutor Blackquill...

Apollo: Or the prosecution in general.

Blackquill: Bah. He may be an old fool, but at least he understands the pressures under the law that prosecutors must face.

Apollo: (Yeah, and so happen to ignore the pressures defense attorneys have to face from the prosecution.)

The judge sank back behind the bench, "What does… that word mean?"

"Your Honor, Fallacious—" Edgeworth began.

"Stop! Stop it! If we go there, all of us will be in contempt," Phoenix said.

Juniper: ...Is it just me, or is this going where I hope it's not going to go?

Trucy: That's a very familiar feeling whenever you're here. You'll get used to it.

Juniper: Um, I guess so...

Edgeworth stared at him unblinkingly, "Wright, I think, perhaps you have the word fallacious confused with a different word—honestly, I'm appalled that the thought of it even crossed your mind. You are a far more vulgar person than I'd ever imagined."

"A likely story!" Phoenix shot back at him.

Athena: Did Mr. Wright just admit to having a dirty mind?

Apollo: Yes.

Juniper: ... *ducks under hat*

Trucy: Don't worry, Juniper! Daddy's not actually a pervert.

Juniper: I know... but that only makes this all the more embarrassing to watch.

Apollo: Be glad that you're not involved, Juniper. It'd then be painful to watch.

Juniper: ...R-right.

"Fallacious doesn't mean what you think it means," Edgeworth reiterated.

"Stop saying it! Your verisimilitude on this matter is astounding! You, of all people shouldn't try to pull one over on the court!"

Edgeworth sighed, "We've segued again… Tell me, whose bright idea was it to give this guy his badge back?"

Athena: Wait. This is supposed to be Mr. Wright AFTER he's gotten his badge back?

Trucy: Ouch. And irony.

Apollo: Then, that means... this Mr. Edgeworth is Chief Prosecutor?

Blackquill: ...I was under the impression that this Mr. Edgeworth was a phony from the start. He's much too collected to afford to be so haughty.

Trucy: Well, Daddy does say he's actually a pretty sensitive guy.

Juniper: ...I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't think that's how "segue" is supposed to be used.

Athena: Oh, yeah. Isn't it like a section of music or something?

Juniper: Actually, it's a smooth transition between sections, but it can be used in general terms too, I think.

Trucy: ...But that wasn't a "smooth transition" at all.

Apollo: It's an interruption.

Blackquill: Par for the courts.

Athena: Isn't that supposed to be "par for the course"... oh. Heh heh.

Speakers: Speaking of interruptions, please excuse ours, but the awaited arrangements have been made!

Juniper: Arrangements?

Trucy: Oh! Are Daddy and Mr. Edgeworth here?

Speakers: The teleporter will be available in exactly three seconds.

Apollo: T-teleporter?

They hear a whirr from the strange machine outside, and then it abides. In a single flash, two new arrivals appear already seated in the row behind them. Edgeworth is still holding a teacup, while Phoenix is asleep with an eye mask.

Edgeworth: I already notified the Management that I've assigned Prosecutor Simon Blackquill to take my place. Why have I been brought here?

Speakers: It was by special request that you two be summoned in this way.

Edgeworth: That doesn't answer my question!

Blackquill: ...So, I assume my role has been forfeited?

Edgeworth: Unfortunately, it seems so. *sigh* Thank you for assistance, in any case. To think that they would use a teleporting device to bring us here against our will...

Speakers: Incidentally, the Management bans all use of sleeping gear in the theater.

Phoenix: ...zzz.

Trucy: Daddy, wake up! *thwap*

Phoenix: Huh? What? Oh, no... Why here, why now!? How did I even get here?

Athena: They have a teleporter now.

Phoenix: ...What?

Speakers: As we were saying, the Management bans all use of sleeping gear in the theater.

Phoenix: You guys brought me here with it! *takes it off*

Apollo: Mr. Wright, do you really have nothing better to do than sleep?

Phoenix: Give me a break, Apollo. I'm getting too old for this.

Apollo: (Hey, I've been called here almost as much as you guys have, so suck it up.)

Edgeworth: ...At the very least, could I enjoy a refill of Earl Grey?

Speakers: Our sincerest apologies, but we've run out of tea for the time being. You'll have to do without it for this session.

Edgeworth: Now I can't even enjoy a drink? Have the standards of this theater fallen to a new low?

Phoenix: You want grape juice? They still have that.

Edgeworth: I'll pass.

Speakers: And with that, we will now return to our regular scheduling.

Spoiler: Chapter 2
Phoenix: So, what did we miss out on?

Apollo: Terrible characterization.

Trucy: A few word misuses.

Athena: And a "word of the day" shtick.

Edgeworth: We're right on track, then.

Phoenix: Wait, wait. Did you say "word of the day"?

Day 2: Defenestrate

Athena: Yep!

Phoenix: ...

Trucy: So, what's this one mean?

Apollo: As I said, the definitions are right dow-

Edgeworth: "To throw something or someone out of an open window."

Trucy: An open window? Is there a word for a closed one?

Edgeworth: Surprisingly, yes. It's a nonce word known as "transfenestrate", originating from a 1990 American novel by Thomas Pynchon.

Trucy: ...I was kidding.

"So you see," Phoenix said, "The defendant could not have climbed to the ninth floor with in the proposed timeframe."

"OBJECTION!" Edgeworth said, pointing at Phoenix, "the prosecution has already proved that the defendant never left the ninth floor!"

"WHAAAAT?!" Phoenix said exasperated. He was starting to sweat.

Phoenix: Did we miss anything?

Athena: Nope. That's just how these chapters start.

Edgeworth: And I suspect Wright has appeared as thus in the previous chapter?

Phoenix: "As thus", huh?

Athena: Pretty much.

Trucy: Aside from fic-Daddy being a perv.

Phoenix: ...It better not have had anything explicit.

Trucy: Relax, Daddy. This isn't that kind of fic.

Juniper: To be specific, you mistook a word Mr. Edgeworth said for a vulgar one. He actually said "fallacious", but...

Blackquill: It was rather painful to sit through.

Phoenix: ...I hate this fic already, and I didn't even watch the first part.

Edgeworth: Perhaps it's for the best we weren't here.

"He did," Apollo said next to him with a slight tone of disappointment.

Trucy: Hey, now Apollo's in it too!

Apollo: ...Spare me.

Juniper: To be fair, you don't seem that bad yet...

Apollo: Yeah... yet.

"I see," the Judge said, "so who was down there to take those photos?"

"Your honor," Edgeworth said in his haughty drawl, "The prosecution has a witness that can testify to that."

"Well let's meet this witness!" The Judge said.

They paused for several long moments. Phoenix had that sinking sensation in his gut. The she walked up to the stand. Phoenix's jaw dropped.


Phoenix: Now why would I even be surprised at this?

Trucy: Oh, hey! Ms. Hart is here too.

Athena: Wait... is that really her name? "Lotta Hart"?

Trucy: Well, folks from the countryside do have weird names, sometimes.

Apollo: I think it's pretty common everywhere, Trucy.

Trucy: That is weird... where'd you get your name from anyway, Apollo?

Apollo: Huh? Well, my dad gave it to me... at least, I think he did...

Trucy: ...Touchy subject?

Apollo: Kinda.

"Hey there, sugar," Lotta Hart said as she took her place on the witness stand.

Phoenix: *twitch*

Athena: ...How do you know her, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: She's just a witness from a few of my cases back in the day. We have no relation beyond that.

Juniper: Do you not like her very much, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: It's not that... She's just pretty annoying to deal with, is all.

Athena: Hmm... sounds like an interesting relationship, alright!

Phoenix: Athena, stop that, or you're getting toilet duty twice in a row.

Athena: Oof... sorry, Boss.

Phoenix briefly explains to Apollo this woman is a photographer.
Apollo: Um, thanks. I could guess that from before when the fic mentioned "photos".

Phoenix: To be fair, that's all I'd have to say about her... beside her massive afro and southern accent.

Apollo: I see.

"Name and occupation?" Edgeworth repeated in a bored monotone.

Lotta looked defensive suddenly, "I'm Lotta Hart. I'm an investigative journalist."

"Can you say paparazzi?" Phoenix muttered under his breath.

Trucy: What's she getting defensive about?

Athena: Maybe she anticipated Mr. Wright's paparazzi comment?

Apollo: That doesn't... well, nothing here so far makes sense.

Lotta begins her testimony about following some guy's orders to take pictures of some other guy.
Phoenix: She HAS said several times that she's a freelance reporter...

"Miss Hart," Edgeworth said soberly, arms crossed, "Are you or are you not a paparazzi?"

Lotta looked shocked. Phoenix pumped his fist in the air.

"Yes! Go Edgeworth!" He raised his hand and brought his arm forward, "Air five!"

Edgeworth stared at him darkly for a moment. The Judge looked confused.

Edgeworth: I suppose it was inevitable.

Phoenix: My stupidity reaching new levels or your minor grammatical error?

Edgeworth: Given how the former is all but expected, I will go for the latter.

Blackquill: Need you even question how your stupidity only grows the longer you stand at that bench?

Phoenix: Blackquill... I hope you're talking about the guy in the fic.

Cue discussion about cross-examining the witness because Apollo noticed something about the testimony.
"So," Phoenix said, "you took these pictures?"

"Yes," Lotta said.

"Mister Wright," Apollo interrupted, "Her eye twitches when she talked about the pictures and it happened again just now."

"Gotcha!" Phoenix said, "I can tell by your nervousness that you are lying about taking those pictures."

Trucy: Daddy! That's Apollo's line!

Phoenix: W-well, I can say it too, can't I?

Athena: I dunno... it doesn't have the same feel as when Apollo does it.

Phoenix: ...Apollo, how do you do it, then?

Apollo: Huh? I just say it. Shout it.

Athena: Perhaps a demonstration is in order?

Taka: *screech* >:(

Blackquill: Taka has spoken, and so it shall be.

Athena: ... *pout*

"I ain't nervous! I did so take those pictures!"

Phoenix looked at Apollo and Apollo nodded with certainty.

"Your eye twitches every time you talk about taking those pictures," Phoenix said, "I believe that's because you didn't actually take them!"

Lotta looked shocked.

Apollo: Looks like you just repeated yourself, Mr. Wright.

Edgeworth: He has a bad habit of doing so, actually.

Phoenix: I do not.

Blackquill: Hmph, a man's property is worth nothing if he does not deserve it. Can you prove your claim?

Phoenix: Can you prove otherwise?

Blackquill: I'm not the one with the burden of proof, Wright-dono.

Phoenix: But by doubting something, it suggests you have proof to the contrary!

Blackquill: But you're the one who made the claim!

Phoenix: Technically, it was Edgeworth who did. I just argued back.

Blackquill & Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: ...Well?

Edgeworth: Leave me out of your childish pranks, Wright, Blackquill.

Blackquill: ...Sir, I meant absolutely no disrespect.

Phoenix: *grin*

Athena: (...These guys really do make a good combo.)

"Objection," Edgeworth said, "You're not going to allow this… Voodoo in this courtroom, are you Judge?"

"Your Honor, it's fine!" Apollo said, "it's not Voodoo!"

Edgeworth: I've seen enough insanity in the courts from Wright that whatever Justice is up to no longer concerns me.

Apollo: Um... thanks? I guess.

Blackquill: ...Don't become lax, Justice-dono. My blade will always be ready to end any and all fraudulent attempts at coercion...

Taka: >:)

Blackquill: As is Taka, naturally.

Apollo: (...It's not fraud or coercion, but I don't think I should argue with him right now.)

"Mister Anderson was defenestrated by the defendant Mister Poosh, those are the facts and the defense's attempts to obfuscate the truth by making an issue out of a minor coincidence is preposterous and they are wasting the court's time."

Edgeworth: And once again, authors confuse my personality with Franziska's.

Blackquill: It was as thus since the previous chapter.

Edgeworth: That doesn't make it any less excusable.

Phoenix: I honestly don't see what's wrong here.

Edgeworth: ...Wright, don't force me to release Blackquill on you.

Blackquill: *draws finger* Sir, I would gladly do the honors if you so request.

Phoenix: (...Is it me, or is Blackquill becoming the new Gumshoe?)

"OBJECTION!" Phoenix shouted so loudly the whole courtroom went silent.

"The victim," he paused to catch his breath, "was not devenstated… He was thrown out a window!"

Edgeworth stared at him.

The Judge looked confused.

Apollo facepalmed.

Phoenix: Yes, author, we get it. You enjoy mocking me at every waking moment. Please stop. You're not funny.

Edgeworth: Wright, just be grateful that this fic is a refreshing change of pace after the multitude of M-rated ones.

Phoenix: The thing is, this fic wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't this stupid! I didn't get my badge through sheer luck!

Edgeworth: ...

Blackquill: ...

Taka: >_>

Phoenix: What are you rolling your eyes at, bird?

Trucy: I still think you're smart, Daddy.

Athena: And inspirational!

Juniper: And very hardworking.

Apollo: ...

Phoenix: What are you rolling your eyes at, Apollo?

Apollo: I'll give you the first two, but that last one...

Juniper: Huh? D-d-did I say something wrong?

Apollo: Um, well... not "wrong" per se, but just... not right? (Please don't cry, please don't cry...)

Phoenix: Apollo, that's two counts: one against me and one against Juniper. You're in charge of cleaning the piano, and I expect it spotless on every string.

Apollo: ...Yes, sir. (But he never even uses it! Did he just run out of jobs for me or something!?)

The lights finally come back on as the screen fades to black.

Phoenix: Thank goodness, it's finally over! Maybe now I can get back to sleep...

Blackquill: You truly don't have anything better to do, do you, Wright-dono?

Athena: As always. We don't get that many cases, and Mr. Wright's always in charge of which clients we get.

Apollo: And so, we're left on cleaning the office all the time. It doesn't help that Trucy always makes a mess of things.

Trucy: It's not "making a mess"! I just leave things out for my convenience!

Edgeworth: (Like father, like daughter. I honestly worry for her sometimes.)

Juniper: Well, everyone, shall we be off?

The group shuffles out to the lobby and out the doors in a hurry.

Blackquill: If I may ask, sir...

Edgeworth: Yes?

Blackquill: Why have you yet to sue this theater?

Edgeworth: ...I am unable to, sadly. Somehow, the Management that runs this place has ties to the government and even Interpol, as given by the amount of Agent Lang's men on the premise.

Phoenix: Believe us, Blackquill. If we could sue this place, we would have long ago.

Blackquill: ...You have my condolences.

The prosecutors part ways with the rest, leaving Juniper with the Wright Anything Agency members.

Juniper: I'll need to get going too. Thanks for bringing me, Thena! Though the fic we watched was pretty disappointing, I'm glad to have been in good company!

Athena: Don't mention it, Junie! If you're ever up for another, we'll be glad to have you!

Apollo: I don't recommend it, Juniper. This time was a pretty light fic, but usually, the theater shows ones that are much more graphic.

Juniper: O-oh, really?

Trucy: No worries, no worries! In case you need someone to avert your eyes, just ask for our agency's special star!

Juniper: Special star?

Apollo: Trucy, what are you talking about?

Trucy: Ah, I'm glad you asked! It's our one and only...

*click, voom, clack*

Mr. Hat: Misterrrr Hat, the Mahvelous Master Magician, at your service, Miss!

Athena: Whoa!

Junie: Eek!! *thud*

Athena: Ah, Junie!

Trucy: ...Oops.

Phoenix: Hahahaha!

Apollo: Don't laugh, Mr. Wright! You okay, Juniper?

Fortunately, Juniper simply laughs it off and thanks Trucy for the support. And thus ends another wonderful day at the Sporking Theater. Tune in next time for the next exciting installment!

Speakers: In the meantime, we will enjoy our newfound power with this almighty teleporter. Mwahahaha...

Just then, a small black cat steps by, eying the lobby speakers curiously. It glances around at the bored expressions of the men in black, and then it struts off and out.

Speakers: ...That cat better not be who we think it is, or we are so screwed.
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

@Rubia: Omg Blackquill and Takaaaaa. And Phoenix and Edgeworth are really working overtime, huh... man, that was great. Also, is that cat who we think it is?

Breathing Is A Necessity, part two.

Today's sporkers are...
Miles Edgeworth!
:edgeworth: "I'm not going to enjoy this, am I?"
Phoenix Wright!
:nick: "I really don't know what you're expecting, Edgeworth."
Dick Gumshoe!
:eh?: "All I was told was that Mr. Edgeworth needed my help, pal."

[We open up in our sporking theatre, where Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth are already seated. Was the teleporter used to get them here? Actually, they probably just walked over considering they both recently left another, saner, sporking.]

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: Problem, Wright?

Phoenix: Do you think the Management is actually going to follow up on their idea to include a third sporker for this one?

Edgeworth: Yes, I believe the third sporker is supposed to be Detective Gumshoe.

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: Now what is your problem?

Phoenix: I actually kind of liked having the whole theatre to ourselves.

Edgeworth: Because you could act like a brat without any major loss of respect, presumably...

Phoenix: You're one to talk.

[Dick Gumshoe enters stage left. That is to say, through the doors.]

Gumshoe: ...the doors aren't even on the left side of the theatre, pal.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Dick Gumshoe that commenting on the descriptive narration is strictly forbidden.

Edgeworth: You'd be wise not to break the rules, Detective. This is a punishment sporking...

Gumshoe: Oh, I see, sir. *sits next to Edgeworth* Who's being punished?

Edgeworth: Me.

Phoenix: And me, probably.

Edgeworth: By the time this is done, you're probably due for another punishment sporking.

Phoenix: that case, I'll just have to drag you in there with me.

[The lights dim.]

Gumshoe: It's starting, pal.

Phoenix & Edgeworth: *sigh*

In that awkward little stage between slumber and consciousness, Edgeworth began to realize something was happening to his body.

Let's see ...


His body felt small ... cramped?

Throat dry, mouth open. Mouth being kept open.

There was this ... strange feeling.

He felt sensitive, wet and cool, inside.

Inside ... his body.

Dripping from him.

What was ... ?

Oh God.

He remembered.


Phoenix & Edgeworth: ...

Gumshoe: Um, ex-Chief Gant, sir? What happens in this fic anyway?

Edgeworth: Very... unsavory things.

Phoenix: We're about to watch Edgeworth get raped. Possibly multiple times.

Gumshoe: !!

Edgeworth: Thank you very much, Wright.

Phoenix: Hey, I can't just let Gumshoe go into this unprepared, right?

Pale body jerked to life, but very large hands had him trapped in an uncomfortable position.

"Easy, easy," Gant murmured, holding him.

His position in the ogre's grip explained that cramped feeling. Miles' back was pressed into Gant's huge chest, hands beneath the attorney's trembling thighs so he could hold those legs upward. A mid-air fetal position of sorts, tucked against Damon's body.

"Mm, mm!" Cool fluid was leaking from his hole. The police chief was ... draining him.

Phoenix: Draining... of what...?

Edgeworth: I sincerely hope it's blood.

Gumshoe: !

Phoenix: Don't get too alarmed, Gumshoe. He's been a little suicidal ever since about halfway through Law Plus Chaos.

Edgeworth: A "little" suicidal?

"You still seem to be in a bit of a mental-lull ... so let me explain to you what's happening. We're still in your office, for now. You can't speak, there's a ball-gag in your mouth. Your hands are cuffed behind your back," then the tone of his voice became a bit rough, "You're completely vulnerable, to me."

Miles checked everything Gant mentioned. He confirmed his surroundings, his bound hands, the gag ... A pathetic effort was made to push off of the other man's body, but that brutish strength made keeping a dazed Edgeworth still seem rather effortless.

Gumshoe: H-How did you even get in this position, sir?!

Edgeworth: I was chloroformed in the last chapter.

Gumshoe: By ex-Chief Gant?

Phoenix: Yep.

Gumshoe: don't seem to care very much, pal.

Phoenix: You get used to it.

Edgeworth: I think we've both spent far too much time in here.


I've just given you an enema, so you'll be nice and clean, for me," and he rocked Miles' body a bit, causing more solution to drip from his passage, "You can't see it, but there's a bucket beneath you ... collecting everything that pours out of you.

All: *squick*

Edgeworth: Nngh... *puts head in hands* This isn't happening.

Gumshoe: But it is, sir...

Phoenix: Just ignore him, Gumshoe.

Almost done.-- Such an erotic experience, for me ... undressing and washing your lovely body. It made it difficult ... not raping you in your sleep. That kind of sweet vulnerability begs for it. But I was gentle with you, Worthy. Quite gentle."

Gant was enjoying his bird's-eye view of Miles' curled body .

"You should be grateful for your stunning body. I could have dressed you in a skirt, some stockings ...

Edgeworth: *sits up* What.

Phoenix: *snickers*

Edgeworth: Wright!!

getting your butt slapped while wearing such feminine accents would be, unbearably, humiliating. But," squeezing those thighs, "your skin is too perfect ... This body should always be exposed. Always naked, ready to be fucked."

Edgeworth, again, tried to push himself from Gant's body. With slightly more vigor, this time.

They were done, the older man decided. The chloroform would wear off completely, soon. Most of the solution had already leaked from that body, and a fully-recovered Edgeworth could pose a problem in this kind of position.

Damon carried his captive to that puffy magenta couch, and dropped him on it. Miles, predictably, tried to squirm away ... but a firm grip in his hair forced his face down onto the cushion.

The police chief sat in a chair he had moved next to the couch earlier, as much of this event had already been planned. In fact, the dark-colored gym-bag that's lying on the floor, directly beside him? Also previously placed there.

Gumshoe: What... what's in gym bag, pal...?

Phoenix: I'm afraid to find out.

Edgeworth: I'm extremely afraid to find out.

Edgeworth, face down, could only guess Gant's actions through what he heard. The rustle of fabric? Items being sifted through?

Quiet, suddenly. Miles nearly preferred Damon's ridiculous taunts to this wordless moment of dreadful anticipation.

Soon, something cold and slick slid into his

[Gant rapes Edgeworth with a dildo.]

Edgeworth: .........

Phoenix: So much for dubious consent.

Edgeworth: At least the fic is no longer presenting itself as a moral gray zone.

Gumshoe: ...why do people write things like this, pal?

Phoenix: Some of our fans are very sick, twisted individuals.

Edgeworth: Case in point: the Management.

Speakers: You're just asking for it at this point, Miles Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: If it makes you feel any better, I was kidding about you being in on my punishment sporking.

Miles imagined Gant did something similar to this to all of his previous partners ... letting them squirm in some kind of humiliating position as Gant acted disinterested. Give them time to muse over the situation. Let them imagine their fate. What did they feel? Anticipation? Shame, anxiety? Desperation ... arousal, emptiness ...

Edgeworth: Horror. Unending horror.

Gumshoe: A desire to arrest a fictional character.

Phoenix: A weird mix between sympathy and amusement.

Edgeworth: ...amusement? Really, Wright?

Phoenix: This whole situation is so ridiculous. I'm just trying to stay sane here.

The situation may be different this time, though. Damon's previous partners may have not given him a 'reason' to truly hurt them, and they likely never considered murder as a potential fate.

Miles suspected this was ... a very real possibility, for himself.

Edgeworth: In that case, the fic had better get on with it.

Gumshoe: Y-You can survive this fic, sir! I know you can!!

Phoenix: Did you know you're in it too, Gumshoe?

Gumshoe: Eh? I am, pal?

Edgeworth: It is a fairly minor role, Wright...

Phoenix: Would the Management really bring him in if something horrible didn't happen to him?

Edgeworth: ...

Gumshoe: I thought the Management was being merciful, pal.

Edgeworth: You clearly don't know the Management well enough.

How else could this end? If control stays within Gant's hands ... abduction or death seemed to be the only two results of this encounter.

And what was Damon looking for? A challenge? Complete submission? Would he be disgusted or pleased if Miles played along and pretended to enjoy this abuse? Perhaps compliance would bore him, or perhaps nothing would please the demon more than Edgeworth surrendering his pride, submitting out of desperation, just before being killed by Gant's hands.

Perhaps Miles' decision here was meaningless ... and, no matter what he did, Gant had already chose a specific outcome.

... Edgeworth recognized that Damon wanted him to silently suffer these uncomfortable musings.

Edgeworth: Meanwhile, the author...

Phoenix: It's only fictional, Edgeworth. It can't hurt you. Physically, anyway.

Gumshoe: I think this place takes one heck of a toll on Mr. Edgeworth's sanity, though, pal.

Phoenix: I said physically.

This was part of the process.

Better turn to more pleasant thoughts.

Something warm and fluffy.

Like Phoenix.

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: You're wrong, Wright. It can hurt us physically.

Phoenix: What, a concussion from banging my head against the wall?

Edgeworth: Precisely.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind all sporkers that concussions are strictly prohibited.

Hm. What was Phoenix doing right now? Probably sleeping in.

Miles imagined Wright in bed, by himself. His Plan-B lover had complained about being lonely.

Gumshoe: "Plan-B lover", pal?

Phoenix: Weird. I thought we got back together in the last chapter.

Edgeworth: No, I merely informed you I was available.

Phoenix: And then we started feeling each other up.

Gumshoe: ...

Edgeworth: I-In the fic, Detective. Don't look at us like that.

Alone. For how long, now? He wondered if Phoenix had even tried to move on, after their relationship. Or did the silly fool just ... always belong to him.

Phoenix: And now you're being creepy. Is there anyone in this fic that isn't creepy?

Gumshoe: Um, me, pal?

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: Actually, yes. I believe you may be the only one who hasn't been acting... inappropriately.

Phoenix: In my defense, I'm barely in-character.

Edgeworth: And I am?

Edgeworth shouldn't have left Phoenix. He would have never indulged Gant's fierce lust, if they had been together.


That was selfish, actually. And not the truth.

Phoenix: Edgeworth, you cheating she-dog!

Edgeworth & Gumshoe: ...

Phoenix: ...Larry would have thought that was funny.

Edgeworth: And what does that say about your sense of humor, Wright?

The real reason he shouldn't have left ... was that dopey grin on Phoenix's face, after that last kiss they shared.

"I'll wait for you; I will."

... Seemed like such a dumb thing to say.

Phoenix: It is a dumb thing to say.

Gumshoe: This is pretty sappy, pal.

Edgeworth: This fic alternates between sappy and disturbing. That's just how it works.

March 29, 9:13 AM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office


Gant, without moving, glanced at his pouting prince.

His subtlety was rewarded ... Edgeworth was entirely unaware of his gaze.

Worthy. Quiet. Staring off to the side. An undeniably sad look, in his eyes. The kind of look that hinted at deep, internalized pain.

Edgeworth: Or external, physical pain. I just got raped.

Phoenix: ...wouldn't that be more internal-

Edgeworth: No. Stop talking.

Damon, who, by profession, routinely associated with the miserable and/or guilty, and, by choice, routinely associated with the emotionally delicate ... was pretty good at reading such expressions. There was no doubt in his mind ... Edgeworth was either dwelling over a bleak future, or despondently dreaming of loved ones. Mr. Wright, maybe?

Phoenix: Argh, leave me out of this.

Edgeworth: It's too late, Wright.

With previous partners, seeing this kind of vulnerable expression pleased Gant.

From Miles? It was ... strange. He imagined a few tears on that smooth cheek.

Hm, well. Time to snap Edgeworth out of it.

Gumshoe: Um... this is just going to lead to more rape, isn't it, sir?

Edgeworth: *deep sigh* Most likely.

Phoenix: I'm surprised you didn't say "definitely".

Edgeworth: I suppose all that optimism from the last part of this has rubbed off on me.

Phoenix: ...giggling children.

Edgeworth: That was not an invitation to reference it.

Gumshoe: ...?

[Edgeworth gets raped.]

Phoenix: I'm surprised the Management didn't give us more unnecessary details like they did last time.

Edgeworth: Don't tempt them, Wright.

Hm. Gant realized that though Edgeworth was no longer fighting every indignation he was suffering at Gant's hands, there was an obvious lack of respect, here.

All: ..........

Edgeworth: What is he expecting?!

Gumshoe: C-Calm down, sir...

Edgeworth: ...I'm calm. I'm very calm.

Phoenix: (I wonder how many more fics he has until he loses his mind entirely?)

Time to end that, he decided.

"Do you think I'm going to kill you, Edgeworth?" He asked, humorlessly.

Edgeworth: Do I think that? Probably. Do I hope that? Definitely.

Gumshoe: But Mr. Edgeworth, you have so much left to live for, sir!

Phoenix: Just not in the context of this fic...

Gumshoe: I'm trying to help, pal. Don't ruin my efforts.

The harsh look in Miles' eyes immediately softened, gaze shifting downward.

Gant idly began smoothing out silver locks. A demeaning but affectionate caress.

"How humiliating would it be ... if your bloody body was found in this office? Tokyo's beautiful celebrity attorney ... raped and murdered. Naked, marks all over your body, gag in your mouth, dildo in your ass ... bullet in your head. Would whoever found the corpse remember that precious dignity of yours?"

All: .........

Edgeworth: After making regular appearances in here for three years now... I'm not sure I have any dignity left to be precious in the first place.

Gumshoe: I think I would be a lot more concerned about finding whoever did that to you, Mr. Edgeworth.

Phoenix: Yeah, me too.

Miles' breath hitched.

"Honestly," taking the gun out of its holster, and pressing it beneath his chin, "I've suffered so many insults, from you."

Edgeworth closed his eyes.

"So many belittling comments, disgusted looks ... "

Gant's captive didn't move.

"Refusing to kiss me? Within moments of seeing me you'll be on my cock, yet you act like my mouth is a fucking safety hazard," he pressed the gun into that flesh, roughly, "That's classic, Edgeworth. Really."

The prosecutor winced.

Edgeworth: Just pull the trigger, Gant.

Phoenix: Just make sure your estate pays for the therapy of whoever finds your body, Edgeworth.

Gumshoe: You're really cruel, pal.

Phoenix: My stupid jokes are the only thing keeping us sane.

Edgeworth: As much as I hate to admit it...

"Then there was, that little episode at your house ... A brilliant cross-examination, Mr. Prosecutor. And if you must know, father wasn't a rapist, mother didn't hit me and my uncle never fucked me," petting Edgeworth's hair and, now, whispering in his ear, "It must be that chemical imbalance, you had referred to. You're so smart, Worthy."

Though Damon was content with the distant, sad look on Miles' face, he continued.

"I wish I could tell you that, my admission that night ... the one where I essentially said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, was just an attempt to manipulate you into letting me fuck you. But that'd be a lie. I did want you. So, yes, your insulting rejection ... hurt. Are you proud of that?"

No answer.

"It's funny. Even after that humiliating departure, a part of me still wants you."

No scornful glare. No dismissive gesture.

Gumshoe: I don't think he'll go away if you ignore him, sir.

Edgeworth: I've gathered that by now, Detective.

[Gant threatens to stick his gun up Edgeworth's-]

Edgeworth: NO.

Phoenix: Talk about a humiliating way to die...

[Gant removes Edgeworth's gag and tells him to give him a blowjob. Edgeworth threatens to bite his penis off.]

Edgeworth: ... *turns to look at Phoenix* ...

Phoenix: I was kidding yesterday.

Edgeworth: And yet, here it is.

Damon pressed forward, gripping Edgeworth by his throat.

"You mock me? Even now?"

"You're a sick bastard. You need psychiatric help and antidepressants."

"You've two seconds to reconsider that response."

"I only need one to rephrase it for you," before spitting into his face.

Phoenix: Oh, look, fic-Edgeworth has just as much of a death wish as real Edgeworth does.

Edgeworth: Very funny, Wright.

Gumshoe: ...I don't think antidepressants would work here, pal.

Phoenix: Well, maybe if he overdosed on them...

Edgeworth: *sigh* Wright...

[Gant spanks Edgeworth, then rapes him and urinates in him.]

All: ...

Edgeworth: ...d-did the Management provide barf bags?

Speakers: I knew we were forgetting something.

Phoenix: Don't worry, Edgeworth. It's almost over.

Gumshoe: I thought we had to do four more chapters after this, pal.

Phoenix: ...this chapter's almost over, anyway. I'm sure someone comes swooping in to your rescue.

Edgeworth: Ggnhh...

[Gant threatens to carve his name in Edgeworth's skin.]

Edgeworth: One of you, please hit me upside the head with the fire extinguisher.

Gumshoe & Phoenix: ... *exchange glances*

Phoenix: I thought we couldn't get to it unless the theatre was on fire.

Edgeworth: Do I look like I care any more?

Speakers: Hey!

A choke sound from Edgeworth, again. But this one was followed by a soft sniffle.

Miles was ... sobbing?

Edgeworth: *twitches*

Gumshoe: Oh boy, pal.

"Let me see," Gant insisted. This is one of the moments he had been waiting for, after all. This is what he wanted to see.

The sullen beauty remained turned away.

Damon closed the switchblade and returned it to his breast-pocket, before reaching for that chin ... But Miles suddenly twisted about in his lap, pressing his face into the crook of Damon's warm neck.

Beyond the occasional sob, both men became quiet.

Edgeworth: .......

Phoenix: Deep breaths, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Oh, shut up.

Odd ... the police chief decided. Of all the scenarios his mind entertained, this one was never considered.

He just ... massaged the dejected attorney's arm, holding him.

And, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth would never be able to explain why it was preferable to cry into his rapist's shoulder, rather than allow him to see those tears.

Gumshoe: Um...

Edgeworth: There are so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to begin.

Phoenix: How 'bout we just begin on the next chapter?

Spoiler: The other half of the fic
It was sickening: Gant's hands all over his body. Those hands ventured slowly, firmly across his flesh. Everywhere.

Gant's rough hands.

Gant's obsessive touch.

Had an hour of this incessant handling passed? Perhaps longer? How long has Gant been pawing at his flesh, as he buried his face in Damon's neck?

In Gant's warped little mind ... was he declaring ownership of Edgeworth's body? This soft hair ... mine. This pale shoulder ... mine. This slender back ... mine.

Edgeworth: *silently puts face in hands*

Phoenix: How long is this going to last?

Edgeworth: It's already lasted far too long.

Edgeworth recoiled at the thought. Nausea and shame were beginning to engulf the prosecutor. He suddenly felt increasingly pathetic in this position, emphasized by the contrast between them. Gant, tanned, powerful and clothed with the pale, exhausted prosecutor in his lap: naked and sullied.

He had to calm down and think. If there was any chance to get out of this ...

Edgeworth: A bullet to the soft palate.

Gumshoe: Mr. Edgeworth, sir!!

Phoenix: Relax, Gumshoe. He's just kidding. Right, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: ...stop looking at me like that, Wright.

Edgeworth stared at that tanned neck. He briefly wondered if he bit hard enough whether he could pierce Damon's jugular.

Phoenix: Do it.

Edgeworth: Is it really necessary to be so violent, Wright?

Phoenix: Hey, I just want out of this fic.

Gumshoe: We all do, pal. That's no excuse.

[Edgeworth attempts to reason with Gant, then gets raped again.]

Edgeworth: ... *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Phoenix: The Management really goes hard, huh?

Speakers: We haven't forgotten how much you misbehaved in the last part.

Gumshoe: Sounds like you're trapped in an endless cycle of punishment sporkings, pal.

Phoenix: Yeah... as if this fic wasn't bad enough...

"Hush, Worthy. It's only temporary. I want to order some food."

" ... excuse me?"

"Aren't you hungry, my little pet? I've been raping you for hours. I, myself, need to refuel."

" ... "

"Mm. Curry, or ramen? What do you think?"

Edgeworth: ........

Phoenix: Oh, get up. You're not unconscious and we both know it.

Edgeworth: *sighs, sits back up* Is he seriously ordering food?

Gumshoe: Maybe the delivery boy can call the police, sir.

[Gant rapes Edgeworth again while waiting for the food to arrive. Also, nipple clamps.]

Phoenix: Um... how many times is that now?

Edgeworth: I really, really don't want to know.

Gumshoe: This is the fifth time since I've been in here, pal.

Edgeworth & Phoenix: .......

Speakers: What, no comments about the nipple clamps?

Edgeworth: I've been trying to pretend they don't exist, thank you.

"That's the delivery boy. - Don't go anywhere, Worthy. I'll be right back" as Gant confidently stepped out of the office.

He had left the gorgeous prosecutor's wrists tied to the arms of his desk chair. Escape, especially in such a small time period, would be impossible for Edgeworth.

On the way to greet the delivery man waiting outside of the building, a trashcan in the hall forced him to pause.


Gant reached into his back pocket, pulling out two plane tickets. Hawaii.

"A pity," he whispered to himself.

He tossed the tickets into the trash.

Edgeworth: Meanwhile, I need a one-way ticket to some arbitrary European country.

Phoenix: Just no faking your death this time.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: (I was so sure it's been long enough for it to be okay for me to joke about that.)

The absence of the twisted rapist gave him time to reflect.

Miles cell and desk phone were removed from the room, so calling for help wasn't an option.

He glanced at the window. He likely couldn't get it open in his current state, but he very briefly fantasized leaping out of it. It would be nice to deny Damon whatever outcome he had planned for today, as well as ending the hours of humiliation and abuse, but a brief mental image of Phoenix at his funeral ushered away those dark thoughts.

Phoenix: You know, I really, really wouldn't blame you.

Edgeworth: That's nice.

He had to try to survive this, he decided.

A glance at the clock. Gumshoe, if he's on time, would be here in an hour and a half. He sighed. While he truly hoped that somehow, someway Gumshoe would be able to save him from Gant's clutches ... there was little hope for that. Gumshoe wouldn't even be carrying a gun, no detectives in this precinct did,

Gumshoe: Um... detectives in this precinct do carry guns.

Phoenix: Yeah, how many times did you try to show it to Pearls?

Gumshoe: Kids like guns, pal. I thought it would cheer her up...

Phoenix: (...where on earth did you get that idea?!)

nor would Gumshoe have any reason to suspect danger. Damon, conversely, was not only armed, but a behemoth in terms of size and strength. The prosecutor couldn't imagine his soft-hearted, beer-bellied friend performing well in a physical confrontation against the muscular brute.

Gumshoe: Actually, I'm in pretty good shape, sir.

Phoenix: Good enough shape to take on Damon Gant?

Gumshoe: ...I don't think anyone is in good enough shape for that, pal.

Edgeworth had spent eight nights at Gumshoe's apartment after threatening Damon with a gun. It had been a therapeutic vacation from work and complicated relationships. He reminisced of Gumshoe's warm smiles and carefree conversations. Edgeworth had been shocked during their grocery shopping trip together to see the food(and alcohol) Gumshoe sustained himself on, and tried to incorporate healthier foods into the detective's diet during that brief stay. He remembered, with an odd fondness, Gumshoe's horrible attempt at cooking them both breakfast the morning before Edgeworth moved back home.

He had to warn Gumshoe ... Whatever it took. No one else needed to be involved in this wretched debacle.

Gumshoe: That's... that's really nice of you, sir.

Edgeworth: Except it's obvious that this is going to end very badly.

Phoenix: So who do you think will get killed off first? You or Gumshoe?

Edgeworth: Wright!

Phoenix: You're the one who's been rubbing off on me!

March 29, 12:41 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

"Are you absolutely sure you don't want to try this curry?" Gant offered, "It's from Rei's restaurant. Best curry in Japan."

"I don't have an appetite," Miles admonished, still tied to his desk chair.

Gant sat on the prosecutor's gaudy pink sofa, holding the takeout box in his palm and eating out of the container.

"Best curry." He repeated, taking another spoonful.

Miles sat there quietly, glaring at the other man as he ate. He imagined taking that curry and throwing it in the obnoxious police chief's face ... the image calmed him a little.

Edgeworth: The consequences, on the other hand...

Phoenix: I thought fic-you didn't actually do it.

Gumshoe: ...I just realized that you called him "obnoxious", sir. Doesn't this go a little past "obnoxious"?

Edgeworth: Yes. Yes, it does.

"I want to make a phone call."

"Mm?" That got Gant's attention. Those amused green eyes shifted toward his glum little captive, "And who do you plan to call? I'm afraid the police department won't be much assistance to you."

Miles pondered the awkwardness of such a call: "Hi, this is Miles Edgeworth ... I'm being raped by your boss in my office ..."

Edgeworth: Or I could just request they send armed officers to my office and let them make of the situation what they may.

Phoenix: That would probably backfire.

Edgeworth: There's always the window.

Gumshoe: Please stop trying to kill yourself, Mr. Edgeworth...

It would also be wasted effort if the implications of Damon's words were true ... He wondered how many cops would remain loyal despite the police chief's foul crimes ...

Gumshoe: None of them, pal!

"You wouldn't be planning to call Mr Wright, would you? Truth be told ... I had been thinking of calling him and inviting him over myself," Gant suggested with that horrid smile.

Phoenix: *stares at screen in horror*

Edgeworth: It's far too late to ask that you be kept out of this, Wright.

Phoenix: If he calls me up, I'm bringing a gun.

Edgeworth: ...I think you need a break from the sporking theatre, Wright.

Phoenix: I think we both do...

[Edgeworth seduces Gant in exchange for being allowed to call Gumshoe.]

Gumshoe: To call for help?

Edgeworth: More likely to keep you away so you don't get involved, too.

Gumshoe: ...I'd rather come rescue you, sir.

Edgeworth: I didn't say it made sense.

Somehow their tangle of body parts ended up with Damon lying flat on his back on the sofa with Miles laying on his chest. Edgeworth suspected Gant forced the position, but truly he could not remember how it happened. Both men were still in a state of recovery, attempting to control their breaths and still their hearts.

Gant was so comically large that he didn't really fit on the sofa in this position; His left leg dangled off the edge of the sofa,bent at the knee so he could plant his foot on the floor.

Damon's calloused hand found a place on the prosecutor's back, massaging lightly. His eyes aimed at the ceiling. Edgeworth, conversely, stared at his bookshelf as he laid on top of the other's tanned body. For a long time they stayed there, listening to each other's breathing.


They dared to look at each other.

Was it all to please me? Was any of it real?

Gant opened his mouth to ask, but Edgeworth shook his head, wishing for silence. He didn't want to speak to Gant, he didn't want to speak about it, he didn't want to admit or deny anything.

Edgeworth: Wrong. I want to deny everything.

Phoenix: And then forget this fic even exists.

Gumshoe: And maybe arrest the author too, pal.

Their eyes, however, spoke volumes. From Gant's: Awe, desperation, need. From Edgeworth's: Confusion, frustration.

It had certianly been an amazing union. Miles was trying to mentally deny it, but couldn't ... They each knew. Both had felt it. The electricity had been very real ...

Gant chuckled softly before admitting: "You're my equal."

Miles turned away as his breathing finally normalized, trying to control the inner terror and shame he felt over what they had just given each other. He hoped the police chief would let the conversation die there. But Gant's free hand reached for that slender jaw, gently bringing their eyes back together.

"I belong with you ... to you, whether you'll have me or not," he paused, letting his admission marinate in Edgeworth's mind ... though he had to believe the prosecutor already knew.

"Say you're mine," Damon insisted for the last time.

Edgeworth: *twitches*

Phoenix: Why is this even creepier than the rape scene?

Gumshoe: I don't want to know, pal.

[Unsurprisingly, Gant doesn't let Edgeworth make the phone call.]

Edgeworth: I honestly don't know what I was expecting.

Gumshoe remembered Edgeworth's favorite: black tea.

The detective had always preferred coffee, with two sugars and two creams, himself.

He found himself kind of happy. Sure, a part of him knew that Wright and Edgeworth had something going on, and in no way he wanted to interfere with that, however ...

Phoenix & Edgeworth: .......

Gumshoe: Um...

Edgeworth: It's probably better if you don't bother commenting, Detective. We mustn't encourage the Management...

Gumshoe: O-Of course, sir.

Things felt a little different, after taking Edgeworth in for a week.

Well, hell, even a 'just friends' thing ... That was fine. He thought the world of Miles, regardless. And he liked Phoenix, too. The spikey-haired loon always meant well.

Phoenix: "Spiky-haired loon"?

Gumshoe: That sounds more like something Mr. Edgeworth would call you, pal.

He approached Edgeworth's door and heard some shuffling on the other side of it.

Gumshoe thought nothing of it.

He checked his watch. Four minutes early! He bet Miles would be surprised.

With one hand holding the to-go carrier for their drinks, he knocked on the door and announced jovially: "Special delivery!"

Gumshoe: A-Am I about to walk in on ex-Chief Gant raping Mr. Edgeworth...?

Phoenix: It's like this fic is always asking itself, "How can I possibly get more disturbing?"

Edgeworth: I'm afraid to find out where it's going to go next.

March 29, 1:56 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

Knock, knock.

It all happened so fast.

"Special delivery!" from beyond the office door.

Mm? Is that Gumshoe's voice ...

"Gum-Ah!" Edgeworth struggled against Damon in vain and within seconds was pinned on his own desk, a large, rough hand squeezing his neck unabashedly. Though he had managed out enough to confirm Damon's suspicion. The police chief cursed mentally. He may have approached this situation differently if he had known it was Gumshoe, of all people, knocking on his obsession's door. There really hadn't been much time to dwell on the identity of Edgeworth's mysterious visitor ...

Miles watched, agonized, as Gant reached inside the dufflebag that had remained on his desk ...

"Gumshoe! Gun! Run!-" before Damon's single hand began aggressively choking him.

Gant turned toward the doorway, and imagined the poor detective's silhouette on the other side of the door.

He heard Gumshoe on the other side: "Hey, what was that? Is everything ok?"

Let's see ... a little over 5 feet, 11 inches tall ... about two-hundred pounds ...

Those shoulders .. about a 20-inch width

The brute felt Miles trying to squirm and kick at him, but the actions barely budged him.

He aimed as he heard the door handle begin to twist.

"Got ya," Damon smirked.

He fired two shots.

All: ..........

Gumshoe: Did - Did I just get shot?!

Phoenix: It was nice knowing you, Detective Gumshoe.

Gumshoe: Yeah, very funny, pal.

Edgeworth: *sigh* This fic is a dangerous game where my love interests are picked off one by one...

Phoenix: Assuming Gant gets arrested or killed.

Edgeworth: We must not give up hope, Wright.

Phoenix: ... (If your love interests are getting picked off one by one, does that mean I'll...?)

March 29, 1:56 PM

Prosecution's Office Building

He had heard Edgeworth's voice couldn't quite make out the words.

"Hey what was that? Is everything ok?"

With no immediate answer, he reached for the door knob and twisted it ...

Time seemed to slow down some.

As he pushed the door he heard two loud, familiar sounds, saw the appearance of two holes in the door ... one on the upper right side of it, the other on the lower left.

A gun?

Gumshoe felt compelled to continue opening the door. Though moving suddenly seemed a lot more difficult. He also swore he could hear his own heart beat, but that didn't make any sense. Did it?

"Miles ... " He called out.

Gumshoe: Why am I on a first-name basis with you, sir?

Edgeworth: For some reason, almost everyone in this fic is.

Was that his boss? Naked? ... Leaning over, Edgeworth ... ? Odd ... very odd.

Aw. Edgeworth looked glum. And in pain. He wondered why.

"Hey pal ... are you ... hurting him?"

Why was he talking funny? Gumshoe felt so confused, but he knew for certain he didn't like the idea of someone hurting Edgeworth.

"I do apologize, detective. I had been hoping for someone else," Gant declared, holding a gun.

Hey, that's the gun!

"Don't ... hurt ... I promised ... " But he was having trouble focusing on the prosecutor ...

Gumshoe dropped the drink-carrier as he looked down to see the bloodstains in his clothes.

Ah shit ...

He was suddenly feeling very, very dizzy.

Distantly Gumshoe heard Edgeworth call out to him as he fell to his knees, slumping against the door frame.

Phoenix: ...kinda took a while, didn't it?

Gumshoe: Aw, it's just the adrenaline make time go all funny. That sort of thing happens, pal.

Phoenix: Oh. *pause* That explains a lot.

Edgeworth: ...after all the times you've managed to horribly injure yourself, you've never figured that out?

Phoenix: I'm going to need you to define "horribly injure myself".

Gumshoe: Oh, look, the next chapter.

The infuriated prosecutor struggled viciously against the beast named Damon. He launched punches, attempted kicks toward Gant's exposed genitals, squirmed wildly. There was an impressive urgency in the silver-haired man's movements, an urgency he hadn't even seen in the younger man when he was being raped earlier.

And yet, with a couple of movements and a lung-squeezing bear-hug, the modern-day barbarian subdued him.

"Easy Worthy ... "

"Let, go!" as Edgeworth made a praise-worthy attempt to wiggle out of Gant's hold.

"You're fighting twice as hard for Gumshoe as you did for yourself,"

Gumshoe: ...I'm touched, sir.

Phoenix: So is Edgeworth, but in a very different way.

Edgeworth: ... *smacks Phoenix*

Phoenix: Okay, I deserved that.

Gumshoe: You sure did, pal.

the police chief bellowed before shoving his troublesome infatuation into the wall. Within seconds, Edgeworth was pinned. Gant's naked form pressed into his backside was a harsh reminder of his fruitless plan to spare Gumshoe from this nightmare.

In this position, all the defeated prosecutor could do was shift his gaze. Silver eyes turned toward the fallen detective ... Gumshoe had managed to keep from collapsing on the floor entirely by leaning heavily into the door frame, those honest eyes widened in shock. In this quiet moment he could hear the detective's awkward breathing pattern.

Gumshoe: Hey, I'm not dead!

Edgeworth: Yet.

Phoenix: *elbows Edgeworth*

"You shot him ... "

"Twice," Gant corrected.

Edgeworth's hand clenched into a fist. If his body wasn't trapped against the wall, he would have attempted another punch at his cruel captor.

"You soulless ... -"

"Had you been honest and told me it would be our mutual friend arriving today, things might have gone differently."

" ... friend?" Edgeworth snorted, "I know the rules in the Land of Fucked-up-ia are a little different than the social norms of reality, but shooting a 'friend' twice is rep-"

"Quiet, whore," a menacing whisper, "I seem to remember you being far more interested in bucking your hips against mine, rather than making that phone call, not even a full hour ago. Was our little bargain just a ploy? Did you merely want an excuse to fuck me while pretending to keep your precious dignity? Or perhaps, in your excitement to bounce guilt-free on my cock, did you simply forget about the poor little detective here?"

This quieted the prosecutor. Edgeworth's chest felt heavy with dread. Somewhere along the line, during all the abuse, it had become acceptable not to struggle.

Edgeworth: Once again... rather like the sporking theatre.

Speakers: Once again... the Management does not appreciate the comparison.

Of course, he still capitalized on opportunities to verbally spit at Gant, but to physically resist the significantly stronger man had just become ... exhausting. Was cooperation with Gant's filthy desires simply the next step downward?

How much further could he fall?

Edgeworth: was still rape. Why am I feeling guilty about this?

Phoenix: Isn't that actually fairly accurate to real life, though? For people who actually go through situations like these...

Gumshoe: I think it is, pal.

Edgeworth: ...I don't like it.

Phoenix: We gathered that.

I need to focus ... I need to get Gumshoe out of here ...

"Now, behave, so I may check on our guest."

Edgeworth nodded.


March 29, 2:13 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

When it was finished, the curtain was closed, and Edgeworth's left wrist was cuffed to the curtain rod. It had left the prosecutor in a kind of odd position, with one arm stretched upward as he kneeled upon the two foot tall-bookshelf he had in front of the window.

Gumshoe: Your arm's going to fall asleep, sir.

Edgeworth: I don't think that's the most pressing issue, Detective.

Phoenix: You're also sitting on your bookshelf.

Edgeworth: ...I don't think it's even wide enough to sit on.

Gumshoe, still leaning against the door frame, had been watching them. The detective eyed Gant as he placed that gun on the center of Edgeworth's desk, before approaching him. There was a serious, perhaps sympathetic expression on the older man's face. The detective was struggling to calm his heartbeat, wanting to keep as much blood inside his body as possible, but pain and, worse, Edgeworth's imprisonment were driving up his anxiety level.

"Hello, Gumshoe," The police chief greeted humorlessly, before kneeling to examine the other, "Seems your vagus nerve is giving you a hard time. Don't think you've experienced enough blood loss to pass out from that, yet ... " His estimation and accuracy were flawless, the bullets had hit the detective in his lower left thigh and upper right shoulders. Nonfatal wounds, so long as Gumshoe didn't bleed to death.

"Why are you doing this ... ? This is ... wrong ... " Gumshoe was having trouble articulating the depths of betrayal he felt over this. Gant was a government official who pledged an oath to uphold the law. People trusted this man, believed in this man ... celebrated this man's accomplishments ... "T-turn yourself in ... and I'll .. "

Phoenix: Points for effort, Gumshoe. Right, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Mm.

Gumshoe: ...I'm having a hard time telling if this is better or worse than finding out that ex-Chief Gant murdered two people.

Edgeworth: Let's just say that Damon Gant was a despicable man and leave it at that.

Gant looked at the detective, pondering quietly. He pointedly glanced at the spilled drinks and to-go container on the floor.

"You're a nice guy, Gumshoe," Gant acknowledged, before turning his gaze back to the detective. "I have a secret, for you. The legal system in this area is extremely corrupt. I've numerous lawyers, detectives and cops under my thumb using various techniques, largely through surveillance and blackmail," he paused, tilting his head to the side as he watched the detective, "There are, a few, individuals ... who've escaped my control. A few squeaky clean individuals. A few .. Nice guys ... "

Gumshoe: ...he's going to kill me, isn't he, pal?

Phoenix: Yeah, most likely.

Edgeworth: And then he'll probably come after you, Wright.

Phoenix: Ugh...

Gumshoe's expression soured at the revelation. He briefly wondered how many of his coworkers, his friends, were loyal to the despicable police chief.

"Well, this nice guy ... is tired of being on his knees," as he gripped the door frame and started to move.

"Easy there, Gumshoe," as Damon moved next to the detective to help hoist him upward. Gant directed the wounded man to the large pink sofa. "Again, I apologize. I sincerely wish it hadn't been you."

"Nope, pal ... not accepting your apology," as he grimaced from the pain of moving his wounded leg. Gant helped him ease downward onto the sofa, smirking at the detective's response. Gumshoe spared a temporary glance to the abused prosecutor before turning back toward Damon, "Why are you ... hurting him?"

"Behind that pretty, dignified face is a nasty, cold-hearted, cock-loving whore ... begging to be broken."

"I ... feel like, the real story behind this, is Edgeworth dumped you and your big fat ego can't handle it."

Phoenix: ... *polite applause*

Gumshoe: I'm actually being pretty cool here, pal.

Edgeworth: Unfortunately, coolness doesn't count for much when you've already been shot twice.

Gumshoe: They can do it in the movies, sir...

Edgeworth: So they can.

Gant froze, staring down the other man until the wounded detective was forced to look away. Gumshoe had a history of being unable to look at the police chief when he adopted this expression of quiet malevolence.

That ridiculous smile returned before he quipped in a mockingly sweet tone: "Excellent detective work, Gumshoe. You make the department so proud."

Satisfied with Gumshoe's obvious discomfort, he observed the other for a moment. That blood, the breathing ... He decided Gumshoe wasn't a threat in this condition.

"Where's your cellphone, detective?" He asked finally.

"I ... didn't bring it."

Gant leaned downward to gaze into those soft brown eyes.

"I'm going to search you. If you are lying, you will deeply regret it."

"Go-ahead. Don't-have-it." The struggling detective muttered back, perhaps with a suspicious quickness. Damon started patting down that body to find Gumshoe's badge, a wallet, a pen, a pack of gum, and a brass knuckle.

Phoenix: "Suspicious quickness"... I take it do actually have your cell phone.

Edgeworth: You just may save the day yet, Detective.

Gumshoe: At least this awful fic will have a happy ending, then, sir!

The brass knuckle caught his interest.

"Ah ... these," Gant swirled the weapon about using his ring finger, amused, "Didn't you have some sort of ridiculous name for this?"

"Fihsawjusis," Gumshoe murmured quietly.

"What was that?"

"It's the Fist of Justice, pal! ... Don't forget it ... "

"My apologies," Gant chuckled, flipping the weapon back onto the sofa, cockily leaving it beside Gumshoe. He stood upward, abandoning the detective and returning his vulgar attentions back to his despairing captive.

"You know Worthy-"

"-He needs medical treatment, Damon ... " Edgeworth urged, finding Gant's seemingly sincere treatment toward the detective giving him hope that Gumshoe might be spared ...

"-It irks me that no one else seems to realize what a randy little whore you are-," as he stalked closer to his prey.

"Please, Damon ... !"

This made Gant's movements pause, before a harsh, throaty laugh escaped his lips. Obnoxiously loud. Damon clapped as those howls continued to escape him.

Gumshoe: ...nevermind, pal. I'm doomed.

Phoenix: Okay, again, it was nice knowing you, Detective Gumshoe.

Edgeworth: *sighs, elbows Phoenix*

"Oh goodness ... So funny. Is that the first time you've said the word please to me? ... Certainly the first time you've used it sincerely. Perhaps in your entire life. Did it hurt, forcing that word pass those slutty little lips of yours ..."

Damon even rubbed his eyes, perhaps laughing to the point of tears. Edgeworth's eyes looked sickened by the ridiculous display.

"We really should have invited the detective here sooner. This ménage à trois has certainly made the game more exciting, yes?" Gant sneered, resuming his walk toward the defeated prosecutor. "Now, what was I saying? Ah. It agonizes me that no one seems to realize what a filthy whore you are. "

As Gant narrowed the distance between them, Edgeworth shifted his gaze away despondently. He had a suspicion of what Gant was about to ask of him and subsequently couldn't stomach looking in the direction of neither him nor Gumshoe.

"Show him, Worthy," as that muscular arm snaked about Edgeworth, drawing him into the older man's body, "show him what a whore you are."

When Edgeworth failed to respond immediately, Gant leaned to whisper a warning in his ear: "I'll start by breaking each of his fingers ... then I'll progress to cutting each of them off."

Edgeworth: Yes, that's exactly what the fic needed. More rape. No wonder I'm a damsel in distress...

Phoenix: So you're saying the fic has broken you?

Edgeworth: In the fic or in real life?

Phoenix: Both.

Edgeworth: Yes.

March 29, 2:15 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

I need to buy one-hundred lottery tickets after this is all over ... Thought the man who had just been shot twice.

It truly had been lucky; Gant had missed a pocket hidden in the inner part of his trench coat.

When the police chief's foul attentions were refocused on Edgeworth, Gumshoe nervously reached into this very pocket for his phone.

I gotta save Miles ... He mused, as he listened to Gant's heartless laughter and repulsive taunts.

Such an asshole ... You won't get away with this, Gant ...

Phoenix: Time for Detective Gumshoe to save Princess Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: I thought I told you to stop giving me flashbacks to "pretty pretty prosecutor".

Phoenix: Hey, the first time, it wasn't even my fault. Also, I still can't believe you still remember that.

[Edgeworth attempts to seduce Gant in order to save Gumshoe.]

Edgeworth: ..."attempts"?

Gumshoe: I guess it didn't go very well, sir.

"I want it. I want the fantasy I've imagined. Let's live it ... please," Edgeworth leaned forward, about to punctuate the plea with a kiss.

But a brave intervention stopped them.

"That's enough!"

Gant's face turned at the boisterous interruption, and Miles' kiss brushed against the older man's cheek rather than his lips. There was Gumshoe, standing in the center of the room, with his brass knuckle equipped on his right hand.

Gumshoe: Sorry, sir.

Edgeworth: It's fine, Detective. We can't all be held accountable for the actions of our fic-selves.

Phoenix: (Why does he look at me when he says that?)

"Damon," Miles whispered urgently, but it was a futile attempt at reclaiming Gant's attention. There was a sinister smirk as the police chief eyed the suddenly energetic detective. Gant certainly loved a challenge. He pat Edgeworth's back as though to say: "I haven't forgotten about you" ... but, really, Gumshoe's little rebellion was far too amusing to ignore.

"I'm still here and I can't listen to any more of this insanity! You're not whisking Edgeworth to ... Brazil, or something, to make him your sex slave!"

"Gumshoe, stop this!" The prosecutor insisted furiously. He had been so close ...

"Oh Gumshoe ... You silly, silly man," Gant murmured with a wicked grin.

"Now, ya sick bastard, Prepare yourself ... " as he raised his hands in the air, clenching them into fists, "for the Fist of Justice!"

Gant laughed heartily, before returning his attention back to the stunned prosecutor.

"Beautiful performance, Worthy," he whispered darkly, mockingly kissing that pale cheek, "You almost had me."

Then he left the embrace to confront the foolish detective.

Gumshoe: Mr. Edgeworth, sir? Would you prosecute ex-Chief Gant for my murder?

Edgeworth: Considering I'm also a victim here, I believe another prosecutor would be needed.

Phoenix: You could always get Franziska to do it.

All: ...

Phoenix: Now I kind of want to know how she would act in a trial where you were the victim...

Edgeworth: That's a... worrying prospect.

March 29, 2:22 PM

Phoenix Wright's Apartment

The phone rang.

Phoenix was disappointed when it wasn't Edgeworth's name that flashed on his phone.

Mm. Gumshoe? The detective didn't really call him very often.

Must be important.

"Hello?" as he answered the phone.

He heard sounds of shuffling fabric, perhaps some voices in the background.

"Gumshoe?" Did the detective just ass-dial him?

"That's enough!"

Phoenix heard Gumshoe's voice loud and clear.

"What the hell ... ?"

"I'm still here and I can't listen to any more of this insanity! You're not whisking Edgeworth to ... Brazil, or something, to make him your sex slave!"

Phoenix blinked.

"What the hell?!" He asked again, now somewhat irritated. What was this, some sort of sick prank call? Why on earth would Gumshoe accuse him of wanting to take Edgeworth to Brazil to make him a sex slave? A relationship with Miles here in Japan would do just fine ...

Edgeworth: I see your interpretations of situations are as wildly off as usual.

Phoenix: What else am I supposed to think here?

Edgeworth: Quote: "A relationship with Miles here in Japan would do just fine ..."

Phoenix: Okay, what else am I supposed to think besides that.

"Listen, I don't know who spiced your brownies, Gumshoe, but-"

"Gumshoe, stop this!"

Huh? Edgeworth's voice?

Phoenix was pretty certain that if Gumshoe had been making some sort of ridiculous, embarrassing prank call about Edgeworth in the same room with Edgeworth that said Edgeworth would literally kill him.

"Now, ya sick bastard, Prepare yourself ... for the Fist of Justice!"

It was at this point Phoenix realized that something was very, very wrong.

Gumshoe: But I do never call you unless it's important, pal. Shouldn't you have known that something was wrong the whole time?

Edgeworth: Detective, you're forgetting that Wright is an idiot.

Phoenix: the fic. I'm an idiot in the fic.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: (Jerk.)

March 29, 2:24 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

Don't fuck this up, Gumshoe warned himself. He tried to focus on his words.

"So you've got a gun ... and the entire police force on your side. I'm not afraid of you, Damon Gant! And I'm not gonna let you hurt Edgeworth anymore!" Speaking loudly, clearly.

"Such bravado, detective!" folding his arms across that chest.

"You think two bullets ... can stop me?!"

"No, of course not!" as though egging the detective on.

"Justice ... is like a bulletproof vest!"

Phoenix: Great, now you're turning into Detective Fulbright.

Gumshoe: Um...

Speakers: The Management would like to request that Dick Gumshoe refrain from spoiling Dual Destinies for anyone.

"Stop this, both of you!" Miles insisted desperately, "Gant you shot him twice, isn't that enough? This needs to stop!"

"Now now, Worthy, don't interrupt this chivalrous challenge."

"It's ok!" Gumshoe stated, eyes locking with the prosecutor's, "Remember what I told you last Thursday ... !"

This made the prosecutor pause. What the hell did they speak about Thursday that had any relevance to this... situation?

"What did he tell you last Thursday?" Gant asked, shifting a quick glance at Edgeworth.

"I .. I honestly have no idea."

The police chief snorted disdainfully.

"Whatever! There's no time to reminisce about Thursdays. Today is Sunday and that's all that matters! Prepare yourself, Gant!"

Damon briefly mused over the oddness of Gumshoe's last two comments but dismissed it.

Edgeworth: ...did he seriously not pick up on the cell phone?

Phoenix: You have to admit it's pretty clever for Detective Gumshoe.

Edgeworth: Yes, clever for Detective Gumshoe. Incredibly transparent for everyone else.

Gumshoe: I'm... I'm sitting right here, sir.

Edgeworth: ... *glares at Phoenix*

Phoenix: Oh no you don't. I didn't force you to reply.

" ... I'm feeling pretty prepared," he responded. Even at full strength the brute wouldn't consider the out-of-shape detective a threat.

"We c-can't" Gumshoe stammered, "Ok, listen," he paused, flustered, "It's ... " he was sweating a little now, "You have to get dressed. I can't focus at all with you all naked and your ... thing, swinging around!"

Gant blinked.

"Seriously! Naked men are disqualified from chivalrous combat. So ... put your damn clothes on!"

" ... Fine."

All: *silently put respective heads in respective hands*

March 29, 2:24 PM

Phoenix Wright's Apartment

"So you've got a gun ... and the entire police force on your side. I'm not afraid of you, Damon Gant! And I'm not gonna let you hurt Edgeworth anymore!"

Phoenix's apprehension skyrocketed. It was clear this wasn't an accidental call - Gumshoe had purposely dialed Phoenix and made it clear not-so-subtly via his conversation with Gant and Edgeworth that help was needed. There were many revelations in this particular piece of information. Firstly, Gumshoe had managed to identify Damon. Secondly, he made it clear calling the police department wouldn't help them. Thirdly ... Miles ... had been hurt ...

Lastly ... Damon had a gun.

Miles and Gumshoe were ... in very real danger.

Edgeworth: Really now.

Phoenix: Oversexed puppy, remember?

"Such bravado, detective!"

Was Damon Gant the one who had threatened Edgeworth and forced him into hiding at Gumshoe's home? No wonder Miles didn't report it ...

Phoenix felt sick to his stomach as he remembered their dramatic exchange back at the police department.

"You think two bullets ... can stop me?!"

Either Gumshoe had been shot or Gant had two bullets left in his gun ...

"No, of course not!"

"I need a weapon!" Phoenix decided, running to his bedroom closet to grab his metal baseball bat, right hand clenching onto the phone ...

He wished he could do better than a metal baseball bat. Who brings a metal baseball bat to a gun fight? Still ... he had to try something.

Gumshoe: It was nice knowing you, pal.

Phoenix: And here I was hoping Edgeworth was just kidding about his love interests getting picked off one by one.

"Justice ... is like a bulletproof vest!"

Ok, Phoenix now had a weapon. He started running out of his tiny apartment before he realized he had no idea where this little drama was taking place.

"Stop this, both of you! Gant you shot him twice, isn't that enough? This needs to stop! "

His heart sunk. Looks like Gumshoe was already hurt ... Should he call for an ambulance? He briefly imagined Gant heartlessly shooting the two innocent paramedics who would show up to try to save Gumshoe ...

The weight of the situation suddenly felt crushing. Was this ... Gumshoe's last stand? Was he making one final attempt to save himself ... ?

Or ... for Edgeworth?

"I need the location, give me the location!" He hissed, listening intently. Where could they be? Miles' house? Gumshoe's house? Outdoors somewhere? They could be anywhere!

"It's ok! ... Remember what I told you last Thursday ... !"


... Phoenix thought back to Thursday. That was the day he had met Damon at the police department ...

He mentally scrolled through their conversation. Gumshoe had said ... Edgeworth was staying at his house? Was that where they were?

He dashed toward his car, fishing in his pocket for his keys.

Phoenix: Um... when did I get a car?

Edgeworth: Around the same time I got a gun, presumably.

In the back of his mind, he realized to go to the wrong location may very well mean death for both Gumshoe and Miles ...

Think, think! Phoenix urged himself. Did they say anything about any other location?

He heard Miles' and Gant's voices but couldn't make out the words.

... "Come on Gumshoe, don't fail me now ... "

"Whatever! There's no time to reminisce about Thursdays. Today is Sunday and that's all that matters! Prepare yourself, Gant!"

Odd comment. It must be a secret message. Sunday is all that matters?

His eyes widened. Gumshoe had said Edgeworth was returning to work on Sunday!


"We c-can't ... Ok, listen ... It's ... You have to get dressed. I can't focus at all with you all naked and your ... thing, swinging around! It's very inappropriate!"

"What the hell?! God damn it!" Phoenix cursed as he got into his car. Damon was naked ... had he been, abusing Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Why is everyone in this fic so slow on the uptake...?

Phoenix: Because this fic isn't very good.

"Seriously! Naked men are disqualified from chivalrous combat. So... put your damn clothes on!"

The realization hit him like a hammer.

It was Gant.

Gant was Mr. Sex-god.

Edgeworth: *puts face in hands* Now is not the time to be thinking about that, Wright.

Phoenix: That's not me up there!

Gumshoe: ...ex-Chief Gant is who now?

He thought back to the police department ... mulling over Gant's height and imposing frame, and his words. The flamboyant police chief had intentionally used the subject of Edgeworth to provoke him ...

Gant knows ... Gant knows who I am ... Gant is the one who threatened Edgeworth. He has Edgeworth, he just shot Gumshoe ...

"What were you fucking thinking, Edgeworth?"

He felt angry.

He felt afraid.

Phoenix buckled up the baseball bat in the passenger seat, started the car and doubled the speed limit on his way to the prosecution's office.

Edgeworth: What was I thinking, indeed.

Phoenix: Hold it. Did I just buckle up a baseball bat?

Gumshoe: Safety first, pal.

March 29, 2:30 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

It had been a miracle Gant had missed the inner pocket of his trench coat where that cellphone had been hidden. Gumshoe, sneakily, slipped his hand back into his pocket to turn off his cell, when Gant had turned around to get dressed.

Phoenix had enough information, hopefully ... Gumshoe decided leaving the phone on longer than necessary simply increased his risk of getting caught.

The detective hobbled in the direction of Edgeworth. His heart died a little as he looked at the prosecutor. The evidence of abuse was there ... a bruise with small bits of dried blood in the upper right corner of Miles' forehead, another large bruise above his hip, pink wrists with the right one having some breaks in the skin. He assumed there would be signs of abuse in Edgeworth's lower regions ... but he politely refused to look down there.

All: Good.

There was also, of course, an agonized despair in those eyes; Gumshoe found his resolve to look into them begin to waver.

Gant smirked as he was getting dressed, observing Gumshoe limping toward his pet. He decided to let them have their moment as he slid his pants on.

The detective removed his long trench coat when he finally reached Miles, "All this inappropriate nakedness ... " he muttered, before gently wrapping his coat about those pale shoulders.

"Gumshoe ... I could have saved you. I had him. I would have forced him to spare you," Edgeworth explained miserably.

"He wouldn't have let me go, Edgeworth."

Gumshoe: I've been wondering this for a while, Mr. Edgeworth... how come I'm being so casual with you?

Edgeworth: Everyone in this fic is excessively casual.

Phoenix: I don't care how used to it I get. It's still weird to hear you call me "Phoenix".

Edgeworth: And it's still weird to hear anyone call me "Miles". Glad that's settled.

[Gumshoe tells Edgeworth that he promised himself to protect him.]

Edgeworth: ...the fact that we needed a cut summary to tell us that kind of worries me.

Speakers: Oh, no, it wasn't anything dirty, really. It's just that it was kind of lengthy and really not all that bad.

Phoenix: ...except for the fact that Edgeworth is a total damsel in distress.

Edgeworth: *sigh*

March 29, 2:40 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

"Let's play a little game, Gumshoe."

... They were in a boxing ring, surrounded by thousands.

"You get one free shot ... with your little justice fist."

They sided with Gumshoe, of course. The crowds were peppered with various supportive signs ... 'We love you Gumshoe' and 'Have my babies, Gumshoe.' They had cheered when he entered the arena, and booed when Gant had appeared.

Phoenix: ... *sniggers*

Gumshoe: You got a problem with the boxing ring fantasy, pal? I'm obviously just motivating myself for Mr. Edgeworth's rescue!

Phoenix: Oh, there's nothing wrong with it, Gumshoe. Nothing at all.

The 'game' had increased his anxiety level. One shot? Could he take Gant out with one punch using his brass knuckle? It'd be a lot easier if he hadn't been shot in his right shoulder ... The gunshot wounds were still burning him ...

Gant looked dangerous, strong. His boxing gloves were black, his trunks were blood red. Gumshoe, remarkably, was looking pretty good himself, with his blue boxing trunks and white gloves. Almost as muscular as Gant ... but a strong fighting spirit could overcome the minimal difference in strength.

Gant even leaned forward, waiting for Gumshoe to take his free hit. The detective pulled his fist back, hoping the brass knuckles and his remaining strength would be enough to smash Gant's cheekbone to pieces.

Their fists were raised. The starting bell chimed.

He launched his fist with all his might, but the pain in his shoulder prevented a smooth follow-through and threw off his accuracy.

Both men moved to punch simultaneously. Gant aiming for his body, Gumshoe aiming for the face. Gant was fast, but Gumshoe was faster ... He landed the perfect strike on Gant's cheek and could heard something break ...

Phoenix: *continued sniggering*

Edgeworth: The more I spork with you, Wright, the more convinced I am that you're not fit to water a plant, let alone run a law office.

Phoenix: Hey, I can water plants just fine.

The brass knuckle landed at the corner of Gant's lip. The ogre nearly lost his balance...

It had hurt Gumshoe like hell, when the punch landed. The burning pain exploded viciously throughout his arm and shoulder.

There had been a small victory: Gumshoe spied a droplet of blood on the edge of Gant's mouth.

Gant's eyes went blank as he fell over.

"Incredible!" the announcer screamed, "A one-punch knock-out by Richard "Justice Fist' Gumshoe!"

Gumshoe: name isn't Richard. It's Dick, pal.

Edgeworth: I thought "Dick" was short for "Richard".

Gumshoe: Nope. Just Dick, sir.

Phoenix: ... *snerk*

Edgeworth: *steps on Phoenix's foot*

Phoenix: The fic is affecting me! You can't blame me!

Edgeworth: I can and I will.

Gumshoe was wincing. Throwing the punch likely hurt himself more than it had managed to hurt Damon.

"Not bad, detective," Gant praised, chuckling, touching the spot of blood on his mouth, "My turn."

He lurched forward, driving his shoulder into the detective. It shouldn't be so easy to knock over a two-hundred pound man ...

The crowd roared, happy faces everywhere. They were cheering his name: "Gumshoe, Gumshoe!"

Gumshoe fell on the ground, trying to land on his left side.

Gant allowed no time for recovery. He started slamming his heel into the gunshot wound of his left leg. Gumshoe cried out.

"Gumshoe, Gumshoe!"

Gumshoe, with all his strength, kicked at the one leg Gant was balancing his weight on. Damon hadn't been anticipating it, and had actually lost his balance and fell on his tailbone.

"Ouch," Gant verbalized comically, just to be condescending. It hadn't hurt the brute enough to produce an actual cry of pain.

Gumshoe lifted his arms in the air, V-for-victory. The crowd was going wild. This small-town nobody had just beat the reigning champion.

Gumshoe: This is starting to get kind of depressing, pal.

Phoenix: Yeah...

Edgeworth: I still handcuffed to the curtain rod?

Phoenix: I think so. At what point do you start getting gangrene in your fingers?

Edgeworth: Presumably I prevent it by throwing myself out the window.

Phoenix: ...are we seriously going back to this?

Edgeworth: I want out, Wright. I don't care how.

Gant laughed, clapping, still sitting where he fell, as Gumshoe slowly struggled to get on his feet.

The pain in the detective's leg was exploding but ... he wasn't going down without a fight. He had to buy time, after all ... for Edgeworth's sake.

One hobble to the left and he was within reach of Miles' small but heavy chess table. He hoisted it upward, the chess pieces all smacking and rolling against the hardwood floor. Gumshoe tried to ignore the screaming pain in his arm, and turned toward Damon.

Damon stopped laughing.

A pretty blonde in a bikini entered the ring, holding the championship belt that used to belong to the villainous Gant. She handed him the belt, winked, and started whispering in his ear.

Turns out she's Gant's wife, but she's filing for a divorce because Gant's a loser now. She hinted she wanted to stop by his dressing room later ...

Gumshoe smiled. He was very charismatic.

Phoenix: Yeah, this is definitely starting to get depressing.

Gumshoe: *embarrassed silence*

Damon had leapt onto his feet before Gumshoe could reach him. The detective swung the desk mightily, but Gant managed to snatch the leg of it. With a small grunt, he twisted the desk out from Gumshoe's hands and threw it into Edgeworth's tall bookshelf.

The announcer appeared for a ring-side interview.

"How does it feel, to be a hero?!" and held the microphone upward for Gumshoe.

The beast grabbed Gumshoe's shoulders before he could even react to being disarmed. Gumshoe's body was roughly thrown into the desk. Before he could even twist around, Gant's hand was on the back of skull and smacked the detective's face into the desk.

Then again, and again, and again.

All: *wince*

Phoenix: So when do I show up with my metal baseball bat?

Gumshoe: Hopefully before I die, pal.

He was grateful for the adoring fans who roared and cheered. He leapt out of the ring and ran to them.

Gumshoe was in rough shape. His nose was broken and bloodied, there was a wide cut above his left eye ...

Gant decided to give the detective a moment to recover; There was still more fun to be had.

"What's the matter, Worthy? You had fought so hard for Gumshoe earlier ... " The dark-hearted man was really starting to enjoy this, but found himself a little curious by the prosecutor's silence, "What made you turn so cold-hearted? You won't beg or plea for his life? After his charming attempt to save you from, what was it, Brazilian sex-slavery?"

"Would you stop if I asked you to? Would you stop if I begged you to?" Miles murmured quietly, still unable to watch. There was no preventing tears at this point.

"Mm. No," Damon admitted, before smashing Gumshoe's face into the desk for the fifth time.

The fans smiled and reached out for him. He shook some of their hands, thanked them for their support ...

With his cheek pressed against Edgeworth's desk, Gumshoe's nostrils flared to get rid of the blood in his nasal passage. He felt dizzy again, but struggled to regain control of his body. Had he even lasted two minutes? What a poor performance he was putting on ... but the pain was everywhere and his head throbbed horribly.

Edgeworth: To be fair, you were shot twice and have already lost a lot of blood.

Gumshoe: Yeah, I guess I am doing pretty good.

Phoenix: Hey, I'm cheering for you, Gumshoe.

Edgeworth: As am I. Although I think you are probably going to lose...

Gumshoe: ...well, maybe this fic will have a happy ending anyway, pal.

So many fans ... A mother handed him her baby, who he kissed on the forehead before promptly returning him. A flirty young lady asked him to autograph her cleavage. He did so with a smile, and was polite enough not to stare at her boobs.

Phoenix: *sniggers*

Gumshoe: W-What? You got a problem with being polite, pal?

Phoenix: No, no, there's no problem!

He tried to stand upward but Damon's left hand was pressed into his back, keeping the dazed detective pinned against the desk.

"Oh, there's still some fight left in you. You've made me so proud, Gummy-bear. We need to arrange for a medal when we return to the station."

He patted the head of a young kid that was wearing a matching "Gumshoe is my hero!" t-shirt and baseball cap ...

"Word hard in school, kid!" Heroes always stressed this kind of thing.

Edgeworth: Word hard?

Gumshoe: I think I meant work hard, sir.

Edgeworth: make a good hero, Detective.

Gumshoe: Thank you, sir!

Gumshoes eyes widened when he realized Damon's gun was laying on the desk next to his head.

Gant had noticed the expression, and smiled.

"Go for it, detective. It's your only chance."

Gumshoe snatched the gun, managing to get his fingers on the trigger. Gant instantly grabbed at his arm. He unintentionally shot the gun twice as they struggled, both bullets forming two holes in the wall approximately a foot away from Miles.

Edgeworth: No! Just one foot to the side and I would have been free!

Phoenix: It's not like they let us out of the sporking theatre once our fic-selves die.

Edgeworth: Yes, but then there's no way I would have to watch myself get raped again!

Phoenix: Are you sure about that?

All: ........

Edgeworth: Sometimes I really hate you, Wright.

Phoenix: W-Well it seems like the sort of thing that would happen in this fic...!

"Idiot," Gant snarled. With one hand on Gumshoe's wrist he twisted the gun-wielding hand before viciously slamming his elbow into the crook of the detective's arm, effectively snapping the bones of that forearm.

The detective choked out a terrible scream.

He was surrounded by fans now, high-fiving them, laughing happily. He saw Miles and Phoenix were amongst them ... He found himself running toward them: his best friends.

Gumshoe: How come Maggey's not there, pal?

Phoenix: Probably because you were hitting on Gant's wife. *snigger*

Gumshoe: .......

Edgeworth: ...Wright, apologize.

Phoenix: I think you have a lot more to apologize for than I do.

"Who would have thought our Gummy-bear was capable of such a sound," Damon smirked, watching Gumshoe writhe on the desk. "Try not to shoot wildly in the future, Gumshoe." He patted the detective on the back, "We're lucky you didn't damage my property."

"Amazing fight, Richard!" Miles congratulated.

"I think that knock-out earned you a kiss," Phoenix declared, winking at Edgeworth.

All: .................

Edgeworth: Wright. Apologize.

Phoenix: Fic-me. A fantasy version of fic-me, no less. Not real me.

The legendary everyman-turned-champion nice-guy hero blinked.

"I'm not ... done with you ... !" Gumshoe hissed through painful gasps. Slowly, taking care to move his fractured arm as little as possible, his body moved upward.

Gant took a step back, clapping loudly. It was an impressive performance. Anyone weaker would certainly be unconscious or dead by now ... Anyone smarter would stay down.

"Oh no, you got the wrong idea about us! We're just childhood friends. He's all yours. And besides!" Phoenix hit Gumshoe lightly on the shoulder, "You earned it!"

Gumshoe smiled shyly at Miles.

Gumshoe: ...I... I can't watch, sir.

Edgeworth: That's just as well.

Phoenix: I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is surreal.

"You're ...a monster. You ... get a ... sick pleasure from ... hurting people. Who'd think ... the male half of the legendary duo ... would be such... a hypocritical ... piece of shit ... ?" as he stood tall. He tried to ignore the frightening parts of this situation ... such as his blood on the desk, the electric shocks of pain that rattled his body with each movement, each breath ...

"Ouch. My soul hurts," sarcastically. After three months of verbal abuse from Edgeworth, the Dark Lord of Insults, attacks from simpler beings felt so easy to deflect.

Phoenix: *laughs* The Dark Lord of Insults... I like it. It suits you, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: That's enough out of you.

"There's a lot of responsibilities that accompany being a hero, Richard ... " Miles smirked playfully, "Think you can handle it?"


"I do regret you're being forced to suffer for another man's sins, detective. You've certainly made a noble sacrifice this day."

Gumshoe knew Gant was behind him, and that'd he'd have to turn around to attempt to fight, but his vision was blurry and bloody, he was dizzy, nauseous. Turning, or moving at all for that matter, seemed like a downright terrible idea at the moment.

"We'll consider you another victim of Edgeworth's narcissistic whims. Selfish little slut couldn't even be bothered to try to save your life."

"Leave him ... alone," Gumshoe huffed, "I made him ... promise."

He leaned forward, to Edgeworth...

He felt soft, welcoming lips tenderly touch his own ...

Gumshoe & Edgeworth: *look away from screen*

Phoenix: Oh, sure, but you can sit through fic-me stripping in your office. I see how it is, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: When was the last time we've had a fic in here that paired Detective Gumshoe and I?

Phoenix: ...never.

Edgeworth: Exactly.

Gumshoe: ...stripping?

Phoenix & Edgeworth: Forget it, Detective.

"Promise what, detective? Promise to be a cold-hearted whore?"

"Can you ... come over here ... so I can punch you? ... Feelin' dizzy ... "

Gant smirked a little, moving to lean against Edgeworth's desk before the staggering detective. The sight of Gumshoe was rather... sad. The gash on his brow was causing blood to pool in his left eye, that nose very clearly broken and bloody, his fully fractured arm dangled at an odd angle ... The flesh of his face was pink and sweaty in the areas that weren't saturated with blood. He tried to imagine how Gumshoe would look tomorrow should he live to see it, swollen and bruised everywhere ...

Gant noted a miracle: Gumshoe had never lost his grip on the Fist of Justice.

"The world needs you ... "

Since it seemed like Gumshoe couldn't focus, the brute went ahead and announced: "I'm right here, per your request."

Gumshoe clenched his right fist and slowly raised it, trembling but determined to punch Damon. The foul police chief watched Gumshoe's ridiculously slow movements with equal amounts of pity and amusement.

"I need you ... "

"This is starting to feel mean, even by my standards," Gant mused aloud, before snapping forward, fiercely jamming his fist into Gumshoe's jaw.

Gumshoe: Well, it was nice to be a hero while it lasted.

Edgeworth: And Wright still hasn't shown up... I'm doomed, aren't I?

Phoenix: I'll make sure both of your funerals are tasteful. Heck, I'll even use Edgeworth's money to pay for Gumshoe's funeral.

Edgeworth & Gumshoe: ...

Phoenix: I was kidding...

March 29, 2:48 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

Gumshoe ...

My promise to you produced a torture worse than anything Damon had inflicted upon me.

You forbade intervention.

You said you had a plan.

Why did I listen to you? Fear? Desperation?

What was this master plan of yours? To die for me?

I would have given Damon anything he asked to make him stop ...

But he never asked.

So I did nothing, leaving you to your fate ... as promised.

I'm rotting inside myself. For a second I swore it had been my own bones splitting when I heard that hideous scream of yours.

I couldn't watch a moment of your vain sacrifice. You wanted to protect me, but I think this promise destroyed me.

You gave everything as I did nothing.

I did nothing.


Gumshoe: ...ouch, sir.

Edgeworth: As if this fic needed to be more depressing.

Phoenix: I was just kidding about Gumshoe dying, too, incidentally.

Edgeworth: It's too late, Wright.

Phoenix: It always is.

March 29, 2:50 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office

"Honestly … Gumshoe needed you to fight for him. I'm so very disappointed by your apathy, Edgeworth," as he approached his devastated pet.

The prosecutor felt numb, no longer possessing the willpower to deal with those harsh taunts. Miles refused to look at Gant or Gumshoe's fallen body.

The police chief certainly enjoyed the sight of Edgeworth bundled up in Gumshoe's over-sized trench coat, complete with tear stains and a passive, gloomy look …

Edgeworth: despondency is starting to irritate me.

Phoenix: I'm surprised it wasn't already.

Edgeworth: ...I suppose it was, actually.

But he did not enjoy it as much as he expected he would.

The plan had been to unkindly remark on how beautiful those tears were. In the past he had considered expressions of guilt, heartbreak and humiliation to be the supreme reward of his sexual exploits. Here, he could only think of how gorgeous Edgeworth had been during the throes of pleasure they had provided each other earlier.

Mm. Odd. Perhaps that whore-body truly had stifled Gant's sadism.

Damon whistled, tapped Edgeworth's cheek, waved his hand in front of those silent eyes ... All useless, Edgeworth refused to respond.

"Now now, Miles, you're overreacting. Stop ignoring me."


Phoenix: Fic-you is going to need therapy for years.

Edgeworth: Assuming he survives.

Gumshoe: And I think real me might need therapy too, pal.

Phoenix: I think we all do.

Edgeworth: Speak for yourself.

Phoenix: I'm not the one who gets steadily more and more suicidal as the fic goes on.

Gant sighed. Handling Gumshoe's adorable display of courage had been so rousing, but his excitement had been quickly crippled by Edgeworth's spiritless response. It might have been fun to see if sexual stimulation could coax Miles back to reality … but Gant dismissed the idea. It was time to dangle hope in front of Miles' eyes again.

Maybe this time he'd even let the prosecutor grasp it.

"He's alive.

Gumshoe: H-Hey, I'm alive, pal!

Edgeworth: Not for long, likely.

Phoenix: Lighten up, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Grow up, Wright.

You can still redeem yourself and save him," Gant promised, using one arm to pull Edgeworth into an embrace.

The crushed beauty remained still and silent. Damon reached out to gently grip the prosecutor's chin, guiding the silver line-of-sight toward the center of the room.

"He's breathing," Gant reiterated.

After giving the prosecutor a moment to absorb the image of the battered detective's body, he pointedly reached into his shirt pocket and removed his cellphone from it and held it in Edgeworth's view.

"You certainly earned your phone call earlier."

Damon watched a small amount of life return to those eyes.

Miles reached for the phone with his one free hand … and grimaced when Gant maintained a tight grip on it. The bastard refused to relinquish it just yet. It must be another game. Edgeworth wasn't sure he had the heart for any more games.

"Kiss me, first," Damon insisted.

Edgeworth: Oh, for the...

Phoenix: Quick, bite his neck, and while he's distracted, grab the phone. Go for the jugular, Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: And this is precisely why you need therapy.

Edgeworth looked at the older man, managing to convey some of his spite.

"Don't bother trying if it's going to be as worthless as our last attempt. You need to make this really, really good for me," Gant elaborated.

"I've never wished death upon another before. Are you proud?" Miles inquired, baneful, before pressing his lips into Damon's. He slid his tongue into the older man's eager mouth, breathing audibly.

Gant decided he very much preferred Miles' fire over his misery; He had never been so pleased by a death threat.

Their hands were still entwined about the cellphone.

"Give me the cell ... Damon," Miles' hissed between their throaty kisses. That irrational, sinful side of him that found Damon incredibly attractive was struggling to climb to the surface. It was sickening; Miles felt he'd never deserve forgiveness for his disgusting body's betrayal.

Edgeworth: ...

Gumshoe: Are you okay, sir? You look kind of green.

Edgeworth: I'll live. Probably.

Damon had gripped onto Edgeworth's odd-colored hair,

Edgeworth: Ngh... again, my hair is not odd.

Phoenix: Are you sure-

Edgeworth: We are not getting into this conversation again, Wright.

Phoenix: Yeah, you're definitely more fun when it's just the two of us.

Edgeworth: Stop. You'll encourage the Management...

feeling his hunger stir as he fought for those pale lips. Distantly, Gant could hear movement coming from the hallway. He briefly wondered if the intruder would realize it would be a crime to end this moment.

Gumshoe: B-But this moment is a crime!

Phoenix: I wonder who's going to show up? Some poor, innocent cop?

Edgeworth: One who's hopefully armed.

Phoenix: Just hope their first inclination isn't to just shoot themselves.

Apparently not. In the span of a single second, his face turned from Edgeworth to spy the intruder charging into the room, wielding some kind of weapon which the invader had aimed high. Gant knew to attempt to dodge the weapon would mean it'd likely slam into his gorgeous little prosecutor.

Gant wouldn't allow that.

He protectively, firmly wrapped up Edgeworth in his arms, hunching over the smaller man's body, as the metal bat slammed into his body...

Phoenix: Woah, it's me.

Edgeworth: You certainly took your sweet time getting here, didn't you?

Phoenix: You are the last person in the world who should be criticizing me for that, Mr. It-looks-like-I-made-it-just-in-time.

Edgeworth: ...oh look, the next chapter.

The first strike forced a growl out of the police chief.

Phoenix pulled the bat back to make another swing, but Damon whipped about with startling speed, tugging his cellphone from Miles' grip in the process. As Wright swung the bat forward, Gant managed to block the blow with his bicep, grunting. The adrenaline-fueled lawyer attempted a third attack, but the powerful police chief grabbed the bat and effortlessly ripped it away from Phoenix.

Edgeworth: As fantastically useful as always, Wright.

Phoenix: Well excuse me, princess.

"That. Hurt." He snarled, glaring at the dumbfounded defense attorney. He placed his cellphone back into his shirt-pocket and flipped the bat ominously ... as though he intended to beat Phoenix with it.

Wright could feel his heartbeat running wild as he took a step back from the infuriated police chief. He was trying to focus on stopping Gant but there were realities to the situation he couldn't ignore: Miles bound and bruised, Gumshoe bloody and unconscious, the room filled with signs and smells of debauchery ...

"Unreal ... " Phoenix whispered, taking another step back, feeling the dream of saving Miles and Gumshoe fade away, "I hit you with a metal bat twice ... " Really, the brute had shrugged off the attacks with minimal effort ...

"Oh, that was you?" Gant hissed sarcastically. He eyed the nervous defense lawyer ... realizing very quickly that Wright probably hadn't been involved in a physical confrontation since middle school. Nothing about Phoenix's posture or gait suggested any sort of training.

Phoenix: ...I thought I'd been hitting the gym.

Edgeworth: Well, even if you wouldn't be the best in combat, I think we can all rest assured that you're virtually indestructible.

Phoenix: Excuse you, I do just fine in combat.

Edgeworth: Wasn't one of your attacks in UMvsC3 sneezing on people?

Phoenix: Uh...

Speakers: The Management would like to inform Miles Edgeworth that that counts as breaking the fourth wall, which is strictly prohibited.

"You've no idea ... how much I've looked forward to this, Wright-o," Gant announced, cockily throwing the bat onto the couch. He didn't need it. The police chief rolled his shoulders, loosening up some very tense muscles. Getting smacked with a metal bat in his upper back had certainly been the most amount of pain he had felt in a long time.

"Phoenix, just run ... " Edgeworth whispered hoarsely. He'd be emotionally crippled forever if he was forced to watch Wright endure a similar fate to Gumshoe ...

Edgeworth: I've already been emotionally crippled forever.

Phoenix: You can say that again.

Edgeworth: ... *steps on Phoenix's foot*

Phoenix: Ow! Again, seriously?!

"Phoenix," Gant snarled, rolling up his shirt-sleeves to reveal more of his extremely toned forearms and biceps, "If you run, I will catch you ... drag you back in here, and ... Oh, either rape or torture you. I haven't decided yet. Maybe both."

"Are you serious?! How damn crazy are you?" The defense attorney was thoroughly appalled. In a way, Damon's following response would answer Wright's question: Gant clearly belonged in a mental institution.

"I wish you had arrived sooner, Phoenix," as Damon aiming a potent glare at the defense lawyer, "I would have liked you to see Miles cum in my hands with my dick in his tight little hole ... "

Wright's expression darkened. Phoenix glanced toward the police chief's gun, left on Miles' desk. Maybe ... if he was faster than Gant ...

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," the older man warned darkly, "that plan didn't work out particularly well for Gumshoe, you see."

"Why the hell would you want any kind of relationship with a guy like this, Edgeworth?!" His frustrations escalated as he raised his fists for his impending fight with Damon, "He's old enough to be your dad and completely fucking insane!" To think Miles somehow found pleasure with this ... freak.

Edgeworth: You really have trouble focusing on the issue at hand, don't you?

Phoenix: Fic-me, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Edgeworth?

Edgeworth looked downward, struggling to contain himself.

"Oh, go easy on him, he's had a rough morning," Gant scolded with a small laugh.

"Shut up!" Phoenix snarled, jumping toward Damon. He aimed a punch at the brute's jaw. A futile effort. Gant grabbed his arm and, using Wright's momentum, swung him into the reverse direction. The defense lawyer smacked harmlessly into the bookshelf.

The prosecutor jerked to life desperately reaching for the gun on his desk Gant had tauntingly left in front of him. He knew based off of distance alone it was just out of reach, but ...

"Oh, you're not going sit there and watch, this time?" Gant smirked cruelly when he glanced over to spy on Edgeworth's desperate efforts. The distraction gave Phoenix enough time to regain balance and turn to face the smug police chief.

"Try again. Don't embarrass yourself, this time," Gant taunted nastily.

Wright had never felt so completely helpless. Gumshoe and Miles' lives being on the line elevated the insufferable emotion. Phoenix was truly infuriated, now. That jaw and those hands clenched, his brow furrowed.

"Oh, Miles, do you see that? He looks angry," Gant observed with an amused snort, "maybe with the power of rage he'll be able to throw a decent punch."

Phoenix tried to focus: I can't outfight him ... I can't reach the gun and aim it before he can stop me ... but ...maybe Edgeworth can ...

Edgeworth: ...there's a terrible plan impending, isn't there?

Phoenix: Most likely.

Gumshoe: We're both going to die, aren't we, pal?

Phoenix: (I actually forgot you were here...)

Wright impulsively embraced his plan. He lunged for the desk, focusing on the gun. Gant reacted within milliseconds. The brute charged forward, reaching to intercept Phoenix's extended arm. The defense lawyer managed to smack the gun toward Edgeworth before Damon was upon him.

As the police chief snatched Wright's arm and twisted it, he watched his revolver slide into Miles' waiting hand. Gant smirked, using Phoenix's twisted arm to pin the defense lawyer against the prosecutor's desk.

"Well," Damon commented as Edgeworth secured a firm hold of the gun and aimed it toward his head, "This is interesting."

Wright glanced up toward Miles, mentally cheering when he realized his plan was a success. Then he noticed the hesitant, scared look on Edgeworth's face and a thick, suffocating apprehension washed over him.

The police chief observed the prosecutor as he maintained his hold on Phoenix. Gumshoe's coat had slipped off those pale shoulders. Naked again. An anxious expression. That bruised left wrist was still restrained by the dangling handcuff attached to the curtain rod. It was a beautiful sight, Gant decided, minus the prosecutor's grip of the gun. That part left him entirely unimpressed.

Phoenix: Quick, Edgeworth. Shoot him.

Edgeworth: Wright.

Phoenix: It'll end the fic, right?!

Edgeworth: Oh, get a grip.

"I thought you owned a gun? Your grip is too low on the handle. Your aim is wide right and your hands are shaking. Control your nerves."

"Let him go," Miles insisted.

"Sure, I will. Let's chat a little, first."

"There isn't time for chatting, Damon.- "

"- I have a theory I'd like to share with you."

"I'm not-"

"-Do you believe in any of those ... silly romantic concepts, Edgeworth? A 'true love'? Soul mates? -"

"-I don't want to hear this!-" the prosecutor snapped.

Phoenix: Then shoot him!

Gumshoe: Seriously, reign it in, pal. I might have to arrest you if you don't.

Phoenix: ...if I get arrested, can I leave the sporking theatre?

Edgeworth: No.

"-What if both existed, but weren't necessarily the same individual. Two separate individuals: a true love and a soul mate. The true love the one you pine for ... while the soul mate," he smirked a little, "Is the one you deserve. The one you belong with ... One who completes you.-"

"-You've an overactive imagination, Damon. Release him!"

In the corner of his eye, Miles could see Phoenix's face contort with anger and disgust.

"Wow, you're fully committed to being crazy, aren't you?" Phoenix scoffed with a futile squirm, causing Gant's smirk to vanish. It was torturous enough for the defense lawyer to enter the room while the two were kissing, with Gumshoe's beaten body on the ground nearby, but now to listen to this insanity ... With a voice possessing a surprising amount of rage, Wright snarled: "quick, shoot him before he comes up with any more theories."

Phoenix: .............

Edgeworth: There you go, Wright.

Phoenix: Somebody please shoot me.

Gumshoe: there such a thing as sporker's insurance, pal?

Speakers: Nope. All sporkers are required to pay for their own therapy.

All: *sigh*

"Oh, aren't you funny," Gant mocked, before slamming Phoenix's face into the desk with a shocking amount of ferocity.

The sound of a gunshot.

Gant was roughly shoving Wright's stunned body to the ground before realizing he had, indeed, been shot. The police chief looked down at his own body, noting the wound within the small tear in his dress-shirt on the far left side of his chest.

A finger moved to touch the sanguine evidence of Miles' intervention. Due to his body's rush of adrenaline, the police chief didn't feel it yet. He wondered if the same thing happened to Gumshoe.

All: ...

Edgeworth: Don't tell me I seriously just shot him.

Phoenix: I thought it was illogical to deny what's going on right in front of you.

Edgeworth: ...

"Far right. As I told you," Gant murmured, eyes shifting back toward the visibly upset prosecutor, "only one more bullet, Miles," a gentle reminder.

Edgeworth spared a glance for his fallen ex-lover, who moved slowly on the ground, nursing a slightly bloodied forehead. When his eyes returned to the sight of Damon, there was none of the prosecutor's usual confidence and dignity. The armed lawyer was silent, scared and incredibly conflicted.

"What's wrong, Miles?" taking a slow step toward the troubled lawyer.

"I know ... what you want me to do ... "

Another step, another.

"Stop moving!" Edgeworth pleaded, tightening his grip on Gant's revolver.

Soon, Damon stood before his disgraced captive, observing the results of all the turmoil the sadist had inflicted upon him. Miles was devoid of metal or fire. The sight of Phoenix being hurt was the only thing that had temporarily removed him from this state of impotent misery.

Phoenix: Um... what exactly happened to me?

Edgeworth: ...I assume you're unconscious.

Gumshoe: Am I still alive, pal?

Phoenix: I have no idea.

"Talk to me, Edgeworth. I'm listening ... " he reached up and gently pushed the prosecutor's gun-wielding hand to the side, "a courtesy you never offered to me."

Miles wondered how long despair could gnaw at his insides before irreversible damage was made. Red eyes were moist, again. Damon could easily disarm him, could easily kill them all, and Edgeworth felt himself unable to end to this madness.

"I hate you."

"I know, Miles."

"I hate you enough to want you to live," trembling, "I hate you enough to have you suffer. I want to see what happens to your vanity when your body and dick start to shrivel with age. I want to see you in prison with all the criminals you put behind bars under the guise of justice, and I want to see the public and the media snub you as the most pathetic, despicable hypocrite of our time. And, above all, Damon," there were tears, now, as he looked into still green eyes, "I want you to die alone, as you fear. For what you've done to Gumshoe. For touching Phoenix. For ... ruining me."

All: ...

Phoenix: *coughs awkwardly*

Edgeworth: "Still green eyes". Was I expecting them to change color?

Gumshoe: I think it means that they weren't moving, sir.

Edgeworth: ...gnnh.

Gant stared for a long moment. That bullet wound was finally starting to produce a particularly intense burning sensation, and the police chief found himself grimacing slightly. The feel of it reminded him of the several violent sins he committed against Gumshoe.

"We are capable of incredible cruelty, aren't we, Edgeworth?" The wounded man questioned pensively. One hand reached upward to gently trace a few fingers across the prosecutor's tear-stained cheek. That other hand grabbed Miles' gun-wielding wrist, directing the weapon toward Damon's chest. His heart.

Phoenix: *whispers* Pull the trigger.

Edgeworth: I fear for whoever gets stuck with you for your punishment sporking.

Phoenix: That'd be you.

"Right here," Gant murmured, staring straight into those bitter silver eyes, "it's unfair to make Gumshoe wait any longer."

Damon's spoken truth sliced into Edgeworth. Yes, Gumshoe was very much in need of medical attention ... but ...

"After ... all your confessions, all your obsessive crimes against me ... your admission of being mine ... of belonging to me," Miles breathed, gaze traveling to their hands on the revolver pressing into Damon's chest, " ... You so enthusiastically want to leave me behind?"

"Just the opposite, Edgeworth," the hand on that pale cheek moved to Edgeworth's chin, moving it to reunite their eyes. His voice was unrelenting: "You'll never be free of me."

Edgeworth: *shudders*

Phoenix: You know, I think I prefer it when the fics make absolutely no sense. Like Law Plus Chaos. Or Phoenix's Turnabout.

Edgeworth: I thought we were never going to mention either of those fics again.


Edgeworth: Wright, please no.

Just shoot him, just squeeze the trigger, Gumshoe needs you, just do it! He's a monster, just rid yourself of him and be done with it! Edgeworth urged himself desperately. But he was already starting to feel the pain of this hypothetical future Gant was insisting upon: one saturated with fear, one where foul memories, dark fantasies and reality couldn't be separated, one where every touch felt like Damon's calloused hands. Miles tried to imagine how those quiet green eyes would appear when made eternally silent.

Damon was somewhat touched by Miles' inability to kill him, regardless of the younger man's reasoning. Gazing at Edgeworth, he silently wished the stubborn prosecutor and their two unexpected guests hadn't unwittingly closed the doors on the police chief's more optimistic plans for this afternoon.

"You can't finish this? Are you truly so selfish?" Gant questioned, squeezing Edgeworth's wrist.

" ... I ... "

"Perhaps Phoenix will do it," the police chief taunted coldly.

Phoenix: Don't think I won't.

Gumshoe: You'd better watch it, pal.

Phoenix: *sigh* Sorry, but this fic is driving me nuts.

Gumshoe: And you think a night in the Detention Center will put you back in a right state of mind, pal?

Phoenix: *shrugs* I can always get Apollo to defend me again. ...or get Edgeworth to bail me out.

Edgeworth: In your dreams.

Edgeworth couldn't hide the sickening sense of apprehension that engulfed him.

A cryptic smile formed on the older man.

"I certainly saw the capacity for murder in his eyes earlier. Wouldn't it be ironic? You'd never be able to look at your would-be lover again without thinking of me."

"-Stop this!-" Edgeworth cried out as Damon's hands moved to pry the gun out of those trembling fingers.

"-Raping you in front of him would be more than enough incentive, don't you think?" another dark promise, as he leaned forward to kiss his squirming captive, still attempting to wiggle that gun loose of the prosecutor's grip.

They had been so enthralled by this situation that hinted of death and inconsolable despair, that neither had noticed Phoenix's movements until that metal baseball bat slammed into the back of Damon's head.

Phoenix: *laughs triumphantly*

Gumshoe: This means we win, right, sir? It's over?

Edgeworth: ...there's still one and half chapters left.

Gumshoe: Yeah, but... no more rape?

Edgeworth: We can only hope.

March 29, 3:38 PM

Prosecutor Edgeworth's Office


Gant stirred.

There was darkness.

There was a lot of pain; the most he ever felt in his life.

Nothing he couldn't handle, he decided.

He just needed to climb out of this dusky haze.

The hardwood floor felt rather uncomfortable.

"Good morning, asshole."

Those green eyes opened. It took a moment to decipher the blurred image his eyes took in. Edgeworth's office, still. With someone sitting on the floor across the room from him.

"Pity. I was hoping I had put you in a coma," Phoenix revealed, "maybe if I'm lucky you'll die from some sort of brain bleed."

Gumshoe: Looks like fic-Mr. Wright is as violent as real Mr. Wright, sir.

Edgeworth: *sigh* Fic-Wright has already been established as yandere, though...

Phoenix: Do I even want to know what that means?

Edgeworth: ...

Gumshoe: Mr. Edgeworth's ignoring you, pal.

Phoenix: Yeah, I noticed...

Gant groaned as he tried to sit upward before realizing he didn't have use of his hands. Handcuffs. The same ones he had used on Edgeworth earlier.

Slowly, the wounded police chief managed to sit up. As his mind and vision began to clear, he managed to identify the defense lawyer. They faced each other, now ... from their respective positions on opposite sides of the room. Damon found himself disappointed Edgeworth was nowhere to be seen. Gumshoe was absent as well. The police chief correctly assumed they were both at the nearest emergency trauma center.

Gumshoe: We lived, Mr. Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: Then... what is Wright doing?

Phoenix: Um...

Edgeworth: ... *puts head in hands* This is about to get disturbing again, isn't it.

Phoenix: Most likely.

As strength and clarity began to return to Damon, the sting of his various injuries intensified. There was a crippling pain at the back of his skull, far more debilitating than the bullet lodged in the side of his chest. There was pulsating pain in areas that didn't quite fit with Gant's memories of the events which occurred earlier. He expected pain from his head, his shoulder, his bicep and his upper back ... but his right leg and abdomen also possessed a familiar ache.

Despite all this, he managed to smile.

"Hm, such animosity ... you're not as innocent as I originally believed ..." that smile widening, "you took a few extra whacks after knocking me out, didn't you?"

"Maybe a couple," with an equally mocking smile.

Mm. Phoenix hadn't been playing nice, Gant decided.

Phoenix: Like I should have been playing nice in the first place.

Gumshoe: *whispers to Edgeworth* Mr. Wright's kind of scaring me, sir.

Edgeworth: *whispers back* If he doesn't calm down by the end of the sporking, you are not allowed to let him return to his office. As he is, he's a danger to his employees and his daughter... am I clear?

Gumshoe: *whispers* Yes, sir.

Phoenix: ?

That's fine, though ... Damon didn't plan on playing nice, either.

"Did Edgeworth approve?"

"Phoenix! He's unconscious!"

The defense attorney wildly slammed that bat into the incapacitated police chief's thigh.

"Phoenix, what are you doing?! Stop!"

Another mighty swing smacked into Damon's abs.

"Strike him again and I will never forgive you!" The prosecutor made sure to emphasize the 'never.'

"He asked me to hit you again. One whack for himself, one whack for Gumshoe."

Gant chuckled deeply.


Phoenix: Can't say you didn't deserve it, though.

Edgeworth & Gumshoe: ...

Edgeworth: Wright. Remember that this is only fictional.

Phoenix: ...

The accusations emerged: dangerous and cruel. It was the most intense trial of their lives.

"He would have killed all of us!"

"You want to kill him! You want to murder a defenseless man!"

"Look at Gumshoe. Look at yourself! Look at what he's done! Why didn't you shoot him? Why are you trying to protect him?"

"Protect him?! I'm protecting you! You're not a sadist, you're not a murderer ...What happened to your sense of justice?! "

"His filth is all over you. You smell of him."

"Phoenix, put the bat down!"

"He's the one you've been happily fucking. The infamous Mr. Sex-god. This is the man you chose over me!"

"Listen to yourself! You're starting to sound like him! Don't let him ruin you. Where's my Phoenix?"

"Interesting story about your Phoenix: He's wondering where the fuck his Edgeworth is!"

The conversation punctured them both deeply. They looked at each other with anger and despair.

Edgeworth: Yes, definitely a yandere.

Phoenix: (Okay, note to self: ask Athena what the heck that means.)

Phoenix is a funny little man, Gant decided. The attorney looked so deeply angry ... and could only occasionally glance in Damon's direction before his frustrated eyes snapped away. The younger man clutched the police chief's gun aimlessly ... with a tension that made the older man think Phoenix might rise to his feet, aim, and shoot at any moment.

"Did Gumshoe make it to the hospital?" The police chief inquired, watching the distracted defense lawyer.

Wright didn't answer the question. Gant had no right to ask about Gumshoe.

"So," glancing at his gun in Phoenix's hand, thinking it'd be ironically easy to provoke the defense lawyer into using it, "what happens now?"

"Someone's coming to arrest you," Wright muttered.


"No idea. But it took Edgeworth five phonecalls to find someone willing to do it."

Gant smirked, imagining Miles' frustration during his first four attempts to find someone willing to arrest him.

"Mm. Wouldn't it be funny if Miles accidentally summoned a policeman loyal to me?" The police chief taunted wickedly, "that'd put you in quite a predicament, wouldn't it?

Much to Damon's amusement, Phoenix visibly recoiled at the thought. It was a brief moment of weakness, however. The defense lawyer quickly gathered himself.

"Edgeworth wouldn't make that kind of mistake." A confident response.

Edgeworth: And with a little luck, they'll arrest you, too.

Phoenix: I'm going to claim justified defense of another person here.

Edgeworth: (I wasn't just talking about the fic...)

"You're correct. I was only teasing," quite mirthful, "though perhaps you should pay more attention to the little details, next time. The phrase 'no idea' has never impressed anyone."

"We want names," Phoenix demanded, since they were on the subject of Damon's unscrupulous influence over the police department, "we want to know every dirty cop, lawyer and politician you control."

"Mm. I'll not be sharing any secrets with you, I'm afraid. But let that sexy prosecutor know I may be interested in bargaining with him," he added a taunting wink.

Phoenix glowered, absent-mindedly squeezing the gun in his hand.

Damon continued to observe the lawyer, noting the red cut on Phoenix's head, evidence of his earlier aggressions.

"I apologize for, you know, the desk thing. I let my emotions get the best of me," testing the defense lawyer, "as well as raping Edgeworth. Repeatedly. I feel absolutely terrible about that.

Phoenix & Edgeworth: *extremely bitter laughter*

Gumshoe: (I think I might be the only sane one left...)

Though ... by the end of the afternoon he was, well, genuinely enjoying himself. Is it still rape in that situation?

All: Yes.

I suppose it is. Enjoyment doesn't necessarily equate to consent-"

"Stop. Talking. Now," Phoenix barked, glaring at the older man.

Gant was smirking, again. He rolled his shoulders as much as he could, trying to relieve the intense discomfort his upper body was experiencing. In comparison to Edgeworth, Wright seemed extremely emotional and easy to manipulate. It took hours of abuse to dig inside the stunning prosecutor's mind, yet only a handful of words to make gnarls out of Phoenix's psyche.

"I recall you claiming Edgeworth was the monogamous type ... Does that mean all those months he had spent with me, he was mine alone? I imagine you pitifully pined for him during that time ... "

Phoenix looked away, the muscles in his jaw tightening.

Just ignore him ...

Edgeworth: Yes, excellent advice, Wright.

Phoenix: I... I'm calm.

Damon laughed softly.

"Those months must have been difficult, for you. You're so very sensitive, and he can be so very cold."

That was certainly true. Still, he wouldn't dignify Gant's taunts with a response. Both men were keenly aware of how difficult, sometimes even cruel, Edgeworth could be ... but Wright certainly wasn't going to bond with the insane prick over it.

"I imagine you two must have been in a relationship at some point. Considering that hopeless affection of yours that you so blatantly displayed at the police station three days ago. Is it safe to assume he was the one to terminate the relationship?"


"Mm. Why? You're educated, reasonably good-looking, very loyal. What made him turn away from you, Mr. Wright?"

Edgeworth: Most likely the fact that he's a yandere...

Phoenix: ( is it an insult, then?)

"Just shut up," Phoenix hissed quietly.

This inspired a cruel smirk from the restrained sadist.

"If I had to guess ... I'd say boredom. Emotionally and sexually. Why else would he leave you to eventually find his way into the arms of a man like me? Why," with a small laugh, "I bet Edgeworth and I have entertained more positions today alone than you two had during the entirety of your forgettable, dull relationship-"

"-Shut up!" standing , aiming the gun at Damon, "You want to speak about pitiful pining, let's analyze your pathetic little theory earlier about soul-mates."

Gant went quiet but maintained his smirk.

"Never mind. There's no need for analysis. The inevitable conclusion is that you're a crazy, crazy, sick bastard, with a huge emphasis on the crazy part. And, yes, you slithered your way into Edgeworth's mind ... but I'm going to crawl in there myself and rip you out of it," and he practically shouted the next set of words: "He's mine! He needs me more than ever and I won't let any more psychopaths or crazies or anyone else, near him."

Edgeworth: *shifts in seat uncomfortably*

Phoenix: ...oh, wait. So is that what a yandere is? A crazy violent possessive person?

Gumshoe: Essentially, pal.

Phoenix: Oh.

"Oh Phoenix," laughing, delighted, "we have far more in common than I originally believed!"

Phoenix: He always has to play that mindgame with someone, doesn't he?

Edgeworth: I'd say better you than me, except...

Phoenix: Except it already happened to you.

Edgeworth: (Except you are frightening me somewhat.)

Wright's finger twitched on the trigger. Perhaps he may have pulled it if Edgeworth hadn't been so insistent that Damon survive this ...

"You weren't there, Gant. You didn't see us together. I have a side of him he'd never give to a disgusting animal like you," continuing to drift within his torrent of desperation, "Have you ever seen his smile? Have you ever heard him laugh? Has he ever held you through the night? He liked to kiss my shoulders, when he thought I was sleeping. You think he'd do that for a pig?! I'd pretend to sleep, waiting for him to do it. He did it every night! "

This part made Gant frown. Phoenix was finally on a tangent capable of wounding the older man.

"Every night he held me ... " Wright repeated, suddenly lowering the pistol, suddenly realizing Edgeworth may have been right. Was he losing himself? Where did this inclination towards violence come from? Adrenaline? Had Damon snuck into his mind, too? Was it emotional? Was it jealousy? Was it this months of pent-up anxiety and frustration? He had never felt anger like this before, had never imagined himself capable of shooting a restrained, unarmed man, had never felt so desperate to find Edgeworth so that he may cling to him and never let go.

"I understand, Phoenix," Damon admitted almost sympathetically, "he plagues me, too. He's in every dream ... every fantasy and nightmare ... "

"Don't! We're nothing alike."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure."

Phoenix: Is anybody else's skin crawling?

Edgeworth: Only throughout the whole fic.

"You don't know anything, Damon," glaring, but with a controlled tone, "You weren't there. And you won't be there when we're back together. You won't be there to see him happy, and you won't be there when he forgets you. And believe me," as harshly as he could manage, " ... he'll forget you. "

It was perhaps the cruelest promise that could have been made to Gant. The police chief endured it silently. A point for Phoenix.

In the distance, Wright heard the soft hum of approaching sirens. They were coming. They were coming for Damon.

Realizing his time was almost up, Gant leaned forward, boring a commanding glare into the defense lawyer's eyes.

"What were those words you said, earlier? 'He's mine ... he needs me more than ever ... I won't let anyone else near him.' You should tell him these things. Honesty is essential for any healthy relationship, yes?"

"Listen to yourself! You're starting to sound like him!"

Phoenix felt sick.

"Tell him, just as you told me," with only a hint of a smile, "tell him just. Like. That."

Edgeworth: *slight expression of fear*

Phoenix: Um...

Gumshoe: Do you think that's actually going to happen, pal?

Phoenix: In the fic? I don't know. I mean, the author has to get tired of drama eventually, right?

[Gumshoe isn't dead and Phoenix and Edgeworth aren't talking.]

Gumshoe: Whoooooop! I survived, pal!

[Gumshoe calls Phoenix.]
"Ya. We were suppose to be the heroes. Edgeworth was the damsel in distress ... "

"If you value your life, you will not call Edgeworth that to his face," the defense lawyer warned.

"The ... princess in the castle ... or prince I guess."

"Ya, don't call him that, either."

Was the detective trying to turn this into a fairy-tale? Phoenix briefly wondered what such a story would be called. Prince Prosecutor and the Penis of Malice, maybe.

Phoenix: Shame that wasn't the title of this fic, actually.

Edgeworth: Wright...

Sometimes it's a bad thing when humor was your emotional defense mechanism.

Phoenix: *silently points at screen*

Edgeworth: And threatening violence and generally being unsettling to be around?

Phoenix: Just assume the same thing applies.

The occasional unspoken joke did nothing to ease the self-conscious misery Phoenix had endured these past four days.

"Ok, forget my plan. Let's try this: guess how many times I've seen him smile. A real, genuine smile. Go on," the detective prompted, "guess."

Phoenix mulled it over ... Edgeworth-smirks were fairly common, but Edgeworth-smiles were certainly rare.

"Mm. Twice?"

" ... Lucky guess. Anyway, yes, twice. Once was my first time waking up in the hospital a few days ago. And don't get me wrong, Edgeworth has a great smile, seeing it made me happy, really happy, but ... I can't be taking a couple of bullets every time I wanna see that smile. The human body has its limits, ya know?"

"Gumshoe. You know he values you even though he doesn't always show it- "

"-That isn't the point. The point is, the only other time I saw him smile, was when he was with you. No bullets required."

"Gumshoe ... "

"It's gotta be you, pal, understand?" Though, during moments of weakness, Gumshoe really wished that wasn't the case ... "I can ... see it in his eyes every time I mention your name."

Phoenix & Edgeworth: ...

Gumshoe: Um, can't really say I've noticed anything like that. *pause* Although, that would-

Edgeworth: That's nice, Detective.

"... Listen, do you ... know anything about what happened?"

" ... not really," Gumshoe admitted.

"Well, it's a ... complex situation," and he'd leave it at that since it was Miles' story to share if he so desired, " ... Believe me, I'd be with him right now if he'd allow it, but, he's really mad at me. And this time ... he has every right to be."

"What'd you do?"

" ... I wanted to kill him, Gumshoe."

" ... "

"Miles stopped me, but I would have killed him. He was unconscious and I was ready to wail on him until he was no longer breathing."

" ... Oh."

Phoenix: So why exactly am I yandere in this fic...?

Edgeworth: Apparently the author's grasp of your character came from what happens when you've been in the sporking theatre too long.

Phoenix: Well, sorry I don't like watching you getting graphically raped repeatedly.

Edgeworth: You can't talk your way out of this, Wright.

"Sad excuse of a defense lawyer I am, huh? I was going to beat a defenseless man to death. Without any care about how it'd effect Edgeworth. I really ... wanted to do it."

"That's ... not your style."

"I was ... so angry. Angry at that sick bastard, angry at Edgeworth ... I'm ... glad he stopped me from doing it. But he hasn't forgiven me for it."

"Well, I don't think any of us were in our right minds that day. The whole thing was pretty loopy," Gumshoe reasoned.

" ... That's true."

"He'll forgive you. I got a gut-feeling about it and it has nothing to do with my IV drugs."

"I'm ... not so sure," Phoenix murmured.

"Just go make up with him already. He's at my place. Said he still didn't feel safe in his own home. I think he needs ya ... even if he would never say it."

"Gumshoe ... "



" ... Of course, pal. Anything for my friends."

Edgeworth: No. Keep the yandere away from me.

Phoenix: Don't look directly at me when you say that...

Gumshoe: Ooh, here comes next chapter. ...Mr. Wright, Mr. Edgeworth?

Phoenix & Edgeworth: ...

Gumshoe: *sigh*

[Edgeworth is redecorating Gumshoe's apartment as thanks for saving his life.]
"Do you ... still care about me?" Phoenix asked simply. He bit his lip after putting the question out there, figuring a verbal-slap was on it's way.

Miles' motions paused. It was a pretty blunt question. A risky one for Phoenix to make, considering Edgeworth's poor mood.

"I know, a lot has happened to you, and you're hurting, and that I ... said terrible things, to you, but ... I think it's a fair question." Phoenix added, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

Edgeworth: You're not the only one feeling uncomfortable.

Gumshoe: No kidding, pal.

"It's a constant," as Edgeworth resumed painting.

"A what?"

"A constant. For the past four years. Ever since we first became involved with each other.

Phoenix: Wait, four years? When does this fic take place?

All: .......

Edgeworth: I believe it would be sufficient to say it makes no sense and just leave it at that.

I've cared about you, that has never changed," as he dipped the roller to reapply fresh paint.

"Even when you dumped me?"

"Yes, Phoenix, even then."

"Even after ... "

" ... Yes."

"Do you want ... to get involved, again?" Wright inquired quietly.

Edgeworth frowned at this. It seemed like such an irresponsible question to ask at this time: a question that was only going to upset them both. Of course a simpleton such as Wright was going to focus on their romance over recovery ...

Phoenix: I guess fic-me has a pretty one-track mind.

Edgeworth: You'd think he'd get distracted less often.

[Phoenix and Edgeworth talk about Gant.]
Phoenix watched Miles' eyes, thinking the prosecutor was holding back tears. Edgeworth's tears had been such a rare sight until recently.

"I'm insane, aren't I?" turning to Phoenix, "Did he drive me to it? Have I always been insane?"

Phoenix & Edgeworth: YES.

[Edgeworth continues describing everything Gant did to him.]

Gumshoe: I'm really glad this is cut out, pal.

Edgeworth: You have no idea, Detective.

[Gumshoe is thrilled about his new apartment. Later, Edgeworth treats him to dinner at a nice French restaurant and thanks him for everything.]

Gumshoe: *wistful sigh*

Edgeworth: ...?

Time passed. The relationship between the two lawyers remained unromantic and simple - a friendship. Though they'd see each other about four times a week, Edgeworth insisted they avoid meeting in private locations - such as each other's homes - to discourage any intimate conversations or emotional admissions the prosecutor was unprepared to handle.

On occasion, Phoenix would hint he wanted more. Miles politely ignored him.

Phoenix: *coughs*

Edgeworth: Fic-you has no sense of delicacy, does he?

Phoenix: Even I know better than to... you know... with a rape victim. I mean...

Edgeworth: There's no need to justify yourself, Wright. We get it.

August 12th, 1:15 PM

Phoenix Wright's Apartment


They had less than fifteen minutes to make it to the theater if they were going to be on time. Not that Edgeworth really cared about seeing the entirety of the twenty-third reboot of the Spider Man movie franchise, but he despised being late out of principle. Besides. Phoenix had practically begged Edgeworth to go see it with him. Missing the movie would just renew the exhaustive cycle of begging/giving-in that constantly occurred between them.

Phoenix: No comments, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Wasn't planning on it.

Miles let himself into Phoenix's apartment using the spare key Wright had given him years ago.

"Phoenix ... ?" he called out into the apartment, "We're going to be late!"

The lack of response annoyed Edgeworth; the nitwit better not be sleeping.

The prosecutor ventured about Phoenix's apartment, calling out his target's name twice. He did not hesitate to open the defense attorney's bedroom door, but inside it was an empty, unmade bed. But there was light peeking out from the bottom of the bathroom door.

"Phoenix? If you're not dressed I'm leaving without you," Edgeworth promised.

The bathroom door opened. There Phoenix stood, skin and hair still moist from the shower he had just taken, displaying a slightly-hardened cock and a new set of abs.

All: ..........

Phoenix: No! No looking!!

Edgeworth: Wright, this is the mildest-

Phoenix: Look away!

Miles froze.

Suddenly neither one of them cared about the twenty-third Spiderman movie.


August 12th, 1:23 PM

Phoenix Wright's Bedroom


"When did you acquire abs?" Edgeworth murmured after freeing himself from a throaty kiss.

Gumshoe: Was a line break really necessary, pal? You could just say they moved to the bedroom.

Phoenix: Or, you know, just cut this scene out entirely.

Edgeworth: If the author were sensible about what should and should not go into a fic, this fic would not exist in the first place.

[They have sex.]

Edgeworth: Thank you for sparing us the details.

Speakers: They're always available if you're curious.

Edgeworth: No thank you.

Apparently, resuming the sexual aspect of their relationship inspired Phoenix's creative spirit. Edgeworth, seated at his kitchen table, was reading an article on newly passed government legislation when his excited partner barged loudly through the door.

Despite the noisy intrusion, Miles didn't bother to acknowledge him.

"I have ... a list!"

Gumshoe: A list of...?

Phoenix: I think we're about to find out.

Edgeworth: I doubt it'll be anything genuinely worth our time.

"That's nice," the aloof prosecutor responded, still reading his article.

Edgeworth's apparent disinterest forced a pout from Wright. Wright's apparent moping forced a sigh from Edgeworth.

"Go on. What's on your list?"

"So happy you asked! It's a list of kinks we need to try."

Phoenix & Edgeworth: *groan*

Gumshoe: ...can I be excused?

Speakers: Sorry, we don't like you enough to make an exception to the rules for you.

Gumshoe: *kicked puppy look*

Phoenix: (I wonder who they do like enough to bend the rules for...)

Miles looked up from his article incredulously. This is what Phoenix had been working on all afternoon?

Undaunted, Phoenix continued: "So, ya, I wanted to run it by you to see what can be transferred from my kink list to the to-do list ... "

"Oh. Two lists. Wonderful."

"Ready?" Wright asked, holding up his sheet of paper, still excited despite Edgeworth's lack of enthusiasm.

"I feel like you're going to start rattling off your kinks no matter what I say here."

Edgeworth: Do we have to spork this?

Phoenix: Do we have a way out?


"Binding you, perhaps," Miles responded testily.


"That wouldn't work. You'd embellish your own role and I wouldn't be able to take mine seriously."


"No!" Miles snapped.

Phoenix blinked at him, surprised by Miles' zealous reaction.

"No toys," Edgeworth repeated, trying not to think about the sensual preparation Damon had forced upon him weeks ago ... "At least, not to be used on me."

"Sex at the beach."

"No. Sand."

"Sex in the ocean."


"Sex in a pool."


"Sex in a hot tub."

Miles pressed a few fingers into his own temple. He was getting a headache.

Edgeworth: Hmm. How uncanny. I, too, am getting a headache.

Phoenix: *has been staring at the fic in amused horror for the past few minutes*

"Phoenix. We're not stuffing aquatic bacteria into each other's asses, understand?"

Wright frowned. Maybe he should have done more research before bringing his list to the prosecutor.

"Listen. Shower-sex is fine if you like the idea of water," a thoughtful pause, before he added with a lightly mocking tone: "or, I'm sure I can figure out a way to safely pleasure you using a disinfected turkey baster and sterile water."

Phoenix felt his heart quicken a little by Edgeworth's eroitic implication, failing to realize the prosecutor was making a joke. Smiling, he moved on to his next suggested kink.


"... for external usage only."

Gumshoe: How much longer is this going to last, sir?

Edgeworth: We're a little over halfway through the chapter now, and something tells me we'll be seeing some more cut summaries in the near future...

"Video-taping ... "

The suggestion caused the prosecutor to smirk. He adopted a sexy expression as he stood upward, moving to Phoenix to pull the receptive defense lawyer into an embrace. He firmly ran a hand down the defense attorney's back.

"We've done that one, before. If I remember correctly," leaning forward to whisper huskily in his partner's ear, "it was extremely successful ... "

"I'll get the camera!" Phoenix chirped.

Phoenix: *groans* Not this again!

Gumshoe: ...this happened earlier in the fic, pal?

Edgeworth: Yes. Unfortunately.

Miles and Phoenix's Sex-tape: First Attempt

Phoenix & Edgeworth: .....first attempt?!

Phoenix: Don't tell me there's more after this...

Edgeworth: That's generally what the word "first" means, Wright.

Phoenix switched the camera on.

Edgeworth was sitting on the bed, fully dressed, watching his partner with a skeptical look.

Phoenix, settled directly in front of the camera lense, was narrating the film synopsis of their not-yet-created sex-video in the deepest, most dramatic tone he could manage: "in a world where people fornicate often ... two men must prove they shall fornicate the loudest, the longest, the most passionately of any other existing couple, or else."

Miles, no longer even marginally aroused, curtly asked: "or else what?"

"Or else the world ... will explode!" Phoenix promised darkly, still using his movie-trailer voice.

Silver eyes stared impassively at the buffoonish lawyer.

"Let's save the world, Edgeworth," Wright proposed as he turned toward Miles.

"You're ridiculous," the prosecutor muttered, standing from the bed and stepping toward the camera.

"Hey wait - " Wright pleaded just before a pale finger switched off the camera.

Phoenix & Edgeworth: *long silence*

Gumshoe: I'm not sure if I should be laughing or not, pal.

Phoenix: (I actually kind of want to cry...)

Miles and Phoenix's Sex-tape: Second Attempt


Phoenix switched the camera on.

He stared into the lens with a serious expression; this time he pretended to be a news reporter.

"This is Phoenix Wright reporting live from Miles' bedroom. Today's forecast: a hurricane of pleasure - "

" - Wright," Edgeworth growled, lifting a hand to massage his forehead, "enough."

"Ok ok," the spikey-haired lawyer relented as he turned toward his partner, "let's start our passionate union. For the movie I want - "

" - no movie," Miles interrupted.

[Phoenix's seduction attempt totally bombs.]
Deciding he should avoid producing video-evidence of his ability to destroy erections, the defense lawyer moved back toward the camera and switched it off.

Phoenix: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Edgeworth: I don't want to know what was cut out. I really, really don't.

Miles and Phoenix's Sex-tape: Third Attempt


Phoenix switched the camera on.

Once more, the defense lawyer was staring directly into it - his face taking up the camera's entire view. Once more, his movie trailer voice was used.

"Now, in theaters, Edgeworth's Boner 2: The Resurrection! - "

Suddenly Wright's face thrusted forward into the camera lens.


One can safely assume he suffered a harsh smack to the back of his head.

Edgeworth: ...Detective Gumshoe. Are you... laughing?

Gumshoe: U-Um, no, sir! Of course not, sir.

Edgeworth: *deep sigh*

Phoenix: *continues hitting head on seat in front of him*

Edgeworth: I'm not paying for concussion either, Wright.

Phoenix: ...... *sits back up* This is your fault, you know.

Edgeworth: At no point do I recall asking the Management to send me any co-sporkers...

Miles and Phoenix's Sex-tape: Final Attempt


The camera switched on.

"Take four," Phoenix smiled cheekily into the camera before stepping toward his silver-haired partner, who was seated on the bed.

"Oh. You were planning on getting laid today?" Edgeworth quipped as Phoenix leaned toward his ear to nibble on its lobe, "I thought you were doing everything in your power to guarantee a night of abstinence."

"I am actively reinstating 'the mood,' " Wright promised, whispering the words.

"Best of luck on that effort," sarcastically.

[They have sex. Edgeworth is into getting filmed, apparently.]

Phoenix: Are we done yet?

Edgeworth: Not... quite...

"Promise me we're permanent this time ... " Phoenix said, suddenly feeling quite vulnerable. Their sensual love-making had always felt so pure and completely fulfilling. He didn't want to lose it, again ... and he still didn't quite understand why Edgeworth ended their first attempt at a relationship.

Edgeworth: Because you've already demonstrated that you're insane.

Phoenix: Hey, fic-you is insane, too.

Miles looked at him with a calm expression before stating: "Only a fool would make that sort of promise."

But before the response could even make Phoenix frown, Edgeworth lifted a hand to gently stroke the defense lawyer's cheek. They were looking into each other's eyes ... Edgeworth's were firm, unyielding ... Phoenix's were soft, hopeful.

"If one could choose what aspects of their life could remain permanent, I'd choose this, Nick."

Phoenix: ...since when do you call me "Nick"?

Edgeworth: Don't look now, Wright, but I think you may have just accidentally had sex with Larry.

Phoenix: *shudders*

Phoenix smiled slowly after hearing the following words: "I'd choose you."

Edgeworth: No Pokémon jokes, Detective.

Gumshoe: Aww, how'd you know?

They shifted into an embrace, Phoenix resting his cheek against Edgeworth's chest. They continued to speak softly, discussing the past and future plans. It wasn't long before they became quiet and Wright began to drift asleep.

The camera was still rolling. For an additional hour it recorded the prosecutor silently touching his lover ... stroking Phoenix's hair, his neck, his shoulders, his upper back. Then, he too, fell asleep.


August 16th


Though months had gone by since Edgeworth had last seen Damon, he still entertained dark thoughts of the twisted man on a daily basis. What a bizarre pile of memories they had produced together during their relatively short sexual relationship. Some had been absolutely erotic, others completely terrible ... many were a combination of both.

Sometimes Phoenix kept his mind from Damon.


Phoenix: I guess even our fic-selves can't just try to forget what's happened.

Edgeworth: If I go a lifetime before ever hearing Damon Gant's name again, it'll be too soon.

August 17th, 6:31 PM

Miles Edgeworth's Home


It had been a long day at work. So, once Edgeworth stepped into his home and noticed a path of rose petals along his floor and leading up the staircase toward his bedroom, he found himself caught between a sigh and a smile. He ended up doing both.

Truly, Wright should know better. Yes, Miles wears magenta suits and frilly cravats, but he wasn't exactly a roses-and-chocolates kind of man. Rose petals all over the floor? Messy. Wasteful. Juvenile.

Edgeworth: Yes, "juvenile" certainly sums you up.

Phoenix: the fic, right?

Edgeworth: And in the sporking theatre. You are entirely too comfortable with Detective Gumshoe and I.

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: Pouting is not going to help your case, Wright.

He stripped off his coat and set his briefcase down in his office before following the trail of petals upstairs toward his bedroom.

"Wright," he called out as he reached the bedroom, "you will be cleaning this mess entirely on your own ... "

But opening the door revealed that Phoenix was absent and yet another mess had been made. There was an assortment of objects strewn across the entire room. Some of these objects had erotic implications, other objects felt as though they were randomly collected.

There were handcuffs, a ballgag, and a moderate-sized dildo on the bed. There was a bowl of strawberries, a can of whipped cream and a carrot on his nightstand. There was a bottle of water and a turkey baster on his dresser. There was a wet noodle, a beach towel, a beach volleyball and an opened orange umbrella in the corner of the room. There was a bucket of chlorine near the window. And, Of course, there were more rose petals ... all over the floor and on the bed.

Lastly, the camera was set up in the room, once again.

" ... What is the purpose of all this?" Miles barked incredulously as he stepped forward to further inspect the assortment of items. There were three notes. One between the dildo and the handcuff that said, 'These are not to be used on Edgeworth' ... One next to the fruit and carrot that said, 'For External usage only' ... one between the turkey baster and the bottle of water that read 'water is sterile and safe for intimate usage.'

The truth suddenly dawned on Miles. It was Phoenix's list of kinks. At least one item to represent each kink was present in the room.

All: ...

Gumshoe: Am I allowed to laugh yet, sir?

Edgeworth: I don't believe this...

He mentally reviewed the list: Bindings for Phoenix ... Toys that were not to be used on himself ... sex at the beach, the ocean, in a pool, in a hot-tub, food for external usage only, the video tape ...

The only kink that Phoenix had failed to represent with these items was the cosplay suggestion.

"You are such an idiot," Miles muttered, holding back a smile, when he heard someone shuffle into the room behind him, "I will repeat that you will clean this mess entirely by your- "

" - Greetings, Citizen," a voice shouted boldly.

The prosecutor turned to confront the intruder. It was Wright, of course, though you wouldn't be able to tell simply by looking at him. He was dressed in a samurai costume that was a combination of faux-steel and red fabric. He even had a faux-steel mask on, concealing his face.

The Steel Samurai. Apparently Phoenix did not forget the cosplay suggestion.

Edgeworth: *vaguely terrified expression*

Phoenix: Where on earth did I even get that? Did I find it in your closet or something?

Edgeworth: D-Don't be ridiculous. Why would I have a Steel Samurai costume in my closet?

Phoenix: (Is it just me, or did he phrase that specifically so that psyche-locks can't show up?)

"Well, citizen! It looks like you could use some assistance ... some sexual assistance," the steel samurai claimed, pointing his four-foot long plastic sword toward Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: *puts head in hands, shoulders shake*

Gumshoe: he laughing or crying, pal?

Phoenix: I honestly have no idea.

For a second, Miles wore an extremely serene expression. The prosecutor was summoning all the willpower he had in an attempt to refrain from laughing, but the situation was simply too ridiculous. This may, in fact, be the most ridiculous situation he's ever been in. He stepped back, shoulders shaking as he clamped a hand over his mouth.

Phoenix pulled the mask off his face and stepped forward, grinning proudly. He guided his laughing partner toward the bed and they sat upon it together. You see, it was important to have Edgeworth seated on the bed, so that the camera would film this. The prosecutor's smiles and laughs weren't exactly common - but now Wright could see and hear them on a whim. They would always be available to him, even if their relationship somehow failed to be permanent.

Edgeworth: *muffled* That's exceedingly creepy, Wright.

Phoenix: Oh, sit up, will you?

[A bit more minor fluff, and the fic finally ends.]
[The lights come back on.]

Edgeworth: *deep sigh of relief* That took far, far too long.

Gumshoe: Yeah, glad that's over, pal.

Phoenix: You should have been here for the first part.

Edgeworth: The first part took much less of a toll on your sanity than this one did.

Phoenix: ...what toll on my sanity? *stretches* I'm fine.

Gumshoe: I thought you were going to snap and kill us both for a while there, pal.

Phoenix: ......

Edgeworth: *shakes head* Forget it. Let's just go.

[And so our sporkers leave once again. What does the future hold in store for Phoenix? Will Gumshoe and Edgeworth ever be able to un-see this side of Phoenix? And just where does the Management keep finding these fics? Actually, that's already been answered. Hope you enjoyed!]

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar


Gender: None specified

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 3:51 pm

Posts: 787

We need more justice in this world.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

You know, a Mario game!

Gender: Male

Location: Canada, eh?

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:05 pm

Posts: 1957

Thanks, guys, for your support. I'm so happy you guys liked my sporking! I was always told that I give up too easily, maybe that's actually somewhat true. Maybe I'll try another one eventually!
My let's Play channel! Shameless plug!
Current Project: Sly Cooper & The Thievius Racoonus
My Twitter Account
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

dimentiorules wrote:
Thanks, guys, for your support. I'm so happy you guys liked my sporking! I was always told that I give up too easily, maybe that's actually somewhat true. Maybe I'll try another one eventually!

Yay! More sporkers is always good. Especially since not everyone can write sporks as fast as I do. :gant-clap2:
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

Poor Gumshoe. Between the terrible fic and Wright and Edgeworth gradually slipping away from reality, he's the only one standing between them and clinical insanity. *slow clap*

"Now, ya sick bastard, Prepare yourself ... for the Fist of Justice!"

Best line in the whole darn fic. My salutations. justice

Edgeworth: And it's still weird to hear anyone call me "Miles". Glad that's settled.


Phoenix: (I wonder who they do like enough to bend the rules for...)

Silly Phoenix. The Management shall spare no one who steps forth through these doors. Not even Kay.
To be fair, though, we usually spare Pearl, and now Juniper, from the more grotesque ones... but even they aren't exceptions.

Well, now. I hope others will comment on my work and suggest if there's anything I should tweak a little to make it more interesting? Seriously, I feel a little disappointed with it for some reason, but can find nothing to remove or add to improve it...
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:
Edgeworth: And it's still weird to hear anyone call me "Miles". Glad that's settled.


Franziska's always been weird.
Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:
Well, now. I hope others will comment on my work and suggest if there's anything I should tweak a little to make it more interesting? Seriously, I feel a little disappointed with it for some reason, but can find nothing to remove or add to improve it...

I demand more Taka, if that makes you feel any better. I love the emoticons. >:3
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

Well, you're in luck. One of the next couple chapters does feature Blackquill, so naturally, Taka will have things to object to, with a war cry.

And now I'm excited to hop into the next part. Nyeheheheh...
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

More feedback on previous sporks:

Airey's spork from August 5:

-Just a thought upon seeing Fulbright in the sporker list: Maybe we should mark sporks containing potential spoilers... I mean, I guess you can always see if DD characters are used, but they aren't necessarily spoiling stuff, and likewise, some sporks may contain spoilers even without featuring distinctive DD characters. Any opinions on this?

-Speaking of Fulbright, somehow I feel like he should be more enthusiastic/lively. But that might be just me. I really should replay this game.

Nearavex's spork from August 7:

-Sorry to say this, but I feel like the sporkers aren't nearly appalled enough, regarding that the fic is doing a good job grossing me out, and I'm not in it, nor am I sitting next to somebody in it, nor am I seeing the pictures. Yuck. D: And why do I feel like I'm reading 50 shades of Grey when I never even read the real thing? Ew... I bet you needed a shower after reading that fic. I sure felt like I needed one.

sumguy28's spork from August 7:

-[quote]if we assume that this building is the Police Department building, then why are Ema and Klavier the only two people in the building?[/i]
Just a minor nitpick: It sounds redundant when you use the word "building" three times in a relatively short sentence like this. Example for a different phrasing: "If we assume that this place is the police Department, then why are Ema and Klavier the only two people in the building?"
"If we assume that this is taking place at the Police Department (building), then why are Ema and Klavier the only two people around?"

-Again, I have to nag about Klavier's German. He should know that the word "Fraülein" doesn't exist, and that the correct spelling is "Fräulein". Especially if he wants to correct other people's misspellings of it. Please, to all of you who want to write sporkers using foreign words, research the words you want to use.

-I like the cuts you made to the fic better than Nearavex's version, actually. They make it feel less icky and more comfortable to read. Of course, the entire fic is pretty vile. Also, with the worst details cut out, it's more understandable why the sporkers don't freak out as much. Can't say I envy you for having to read through the uncensored version. D: I hope you will write more in the future. I feel like if you don't rush it and take the time to research and proofread, you have the potential to write some nice sporks. Just make sure to anjnounce what you'll be working on in time so others won't spork the same fic.

To all current sporkers:
Recently, the sporks have gotten very frequent and very long. Would it be at all possible for the faster writers among you to slow down a bit to give slower paced people a chance to catch up? It's not as much fun reading this thread if it takes three hours of reading every day.
I'm looking at some sporks here that, if opening their spoiler cut, suddenly stretch out an already long page to 140%. Could you perhaps split your sporks into more parts, and make them shorter? And perhaps wait a few days before posting each part so others have more time to read up and write their own sporks?
I'm seriously feeling like I'm never going to catch up at this point, and I can't be the only one.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

No worries. I don't post a sporking too frequently, since I usually give myself some space between submissions. Still, if mine are a bit too long, I'll be happy to cut down on it. Sometimes, I run out of jokes when I'm in the middle of one, and it becomes frustrating to avoid any unintended case of repetition. What would you suggest be a suitable length? 1/2~2/3 of the original fic content, or would that be cutting too much?

I think I figured out why I was a little disappointed with my last work. I took a risky maneuver by including a pretty wide cast. Thinking back to it, I probably shouldn't have bloated it so much, especially that Nick and Edgey (and Blacky & Taka, of course) basically stole the show from the others. Still, forcing them into overtime was so worth it... Well, once in a while is fine.
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Aw, okay. Sorry (since I've been the one posting tons of [long] sporkings lately). :sadshoe:

Also, I don't think a spoiler tag is necessary if it's just DD characters, since the "No Spoilers" rule is still in effect. But yeah, if the fic itself is spoilery, obviously there should be a warning... it's just that no one's sporked a really spoilery fic yet.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

Thank you for being so open about this. I really don't want to demotivate anyone, I just got kind of desperate, feeling like a really old person watching the young people run ahead. ;)

@Rubia: It's hard to set a concrete limit for how long a spork should be... I don't have a word count, and the physical size of how far you'd scroll to read it differs with the legth of the page. And we all read with different pace, so saying how long proofreading should take doesn't work either...
Roughly said though, I'd say that if the little square on your scroll bar is getting really small, then you should probably split the spork.
Although in your particular case, I think you can easily avoid overlong sporks by just stopping when ever you reach that point where you run out of jokes (assuming that's a frequent problem for you). I'm not sure if your sporks were too long off the top of my head, though. I just got overwhelmed with the sheer amount of text I was facing (and still am, although it's less by now).

@Airey: It's okay... I tried to drop subtle hints at first, but I probably should have been clearer on that, especially once I knew I'd had to be away for a while.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. You write very well, but you have to consider that we also have to read through all those fic parts between your sporkers's comments, and that alone can be very tiring even if the rest is good. You also have the problem that you don't make as many jokes as some of us, so while your characters act reasonably (for the most part), their mood also adds to the fic's atmosphere, if you know what I mean.
If you could post shorter parts and maybe reduce the amount just a bit, I would greatly appreciate that. You can, of course, still write as far and as quick as you want, just don't post it all at once, if it's okay for you.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Nah, no hurt feelings. Just think of me as the overly-excited puppy dog of the sporking thread, and everything will make more sense.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

Okay, I've reached the current page, will start reading the sporks on it tomorrow. :)

Thane's spork from August 9:

-I like your intro, just one minor nitpick: Larry has been in the sporking theater quite a few times, and usually enjoyed it. Even if you use a younger Larry from a timeline before his first sporking (which I think is what you did here?), I don't think he'd mind it all that much - especially with two ladies around. Once the fic is running, however, he seems fine to me.

-I like how you write Maya. I always prefer the fun sporkers over the plain serious ones, so it was fun reading her here. And also Phoenix's little humorous moments. :D

-I love your little management moment at the end. It's very charming and kind of cute in an unprofessional sort of way. ^^
Overall, this spork was really enjoyable, but my favorite part is the ending. Good work!

Nearavex's spork from August 9:

-Oh god, I didn't even notice the newspapers made from people in Thane's version. Ew. D: Hm... maybe this is why Ema and Klavier were alone in the other fic: The rest of the police had already been turned into newspapers.

-Huh. Another thing I didn't notice before: Indeed Mia's magatama was white in sprites, but it was purple in other official art (and also in-game pictures). Wonder who screwed up there.

And one reply to Airey because I only saw her old edited post now:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:
Also, I'm pretty sure the only place where I used Fräu was in reference to a married woman, right? That's how Fräu is supposed to be used, isn't it...? (Dang it, my German is even worse than Klavier's. I take French, okay?)

Actually, "Fräu" isn't even a word in German. The correct word is "Frau", and rhymes with cow. ;)
(While "Fräulein", at least in my accent, sounds more like froll-line, and "Fräu", if it existed, would sound like "froi"). If you need German in future sporks, you could always pm me as long as I'm around, since I'm a native German.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
And one reply to Airey because I only saw her old edited post now:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:
Also, I'm pretty sure the only place where I used Fräu was in reference to a married woman, right? That's how Fräu is supposed to be used, isn't it...? (Dang it, my German is even worse than Klavier's. I take French, okay?)

Actually, "Fräu" isn't even a word in German. The correct word is "Frau", and rhymes with cow. ;)
(While "Fräulein", at least in my accent, sounds more like froll-line, and "Fräu", if it existed, would sound like "froi"). If you need German in future sporks, you could always pm me as long as I'm around, since I'm a native German.

:beef: Of course I only find this out after writing seven and half chapters of a fic filled with German speakers... I'll be sure to remember this in the future.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar


Gender: None specified

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 3:51 pm

Posts: 787

AireyVerkhovensky wrote:
Aw, okay. Sorry (since I've been the one posting tons of [long] sporkings lately). :sadshoe:

Also, I don't think a spoiler tag is necessary if it's just DD characters, since the "No Spoilers" rule is still in effect. But yeah, if the fic itself is spoilery, obviously there should be a warning... it's just that no one's sporked a really spoilery fic yet.

I remember having unmarked spoilers in a sporking and fic without DD characters, uh... Oops, I guess. xD
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

For some reason, it's exciting waiting for Pessimistic to catch up with the rest of us. Perhaps it's the privilege of being a long-term veteran of the Sporking Theater? :3

Wait... if Airey is like Missile in here, would that make me Sissel?
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

Almost there... I need to have one more break before I face Airey's most recent fic, but after that, I'll be up to date.

New feedback:

Airey's spork from August 10:

-Pff, nice idea to have Phoenix babysitting Edgeworth. ^^ For how lively you are, your management sure is a bunch of slackers.

-"Damon"? I know fic writers like to pretend they're first name buddies with Edgeworth or Gumshoe, but I think this is a first.

-I'm not sure how Edgeworth commenting on working with Gant is breaking the fourth wall. He's not hinting at their universe being a game. Could you explain?

-Uhm, you know... with the explicit fics we have here lately, and the new rule about NSFW content... is text form still within the rules? Should we censor those scenes? Should we ask about it in the rule thread? (I must say, personally, I really don't have to read about some characters's private parts and what they do with them *shudders with disgust*. Still, it is funny to haunt the sporkers with yaoi jokes...)

-Edgeworth's suit is still not magenta. I'd call it more of a dusty velvet plum red.
See for yourself:

-"Karma sutra"? I'm surprised you let such a great chance for a joke slip you by. ;)

dimentio's spork from August 10:

-Long hair "to tease and torture him with"? What has the writer of this fic been smoking? How exactly do you "tease and torture" someone with your hair?
Is it on fire? Coated in acid? That would be at least as unpleasant for the tormenter as it would be for the victim.

-Eyes covered with glass? Owww! (I guess the writer tried to say that the owner of the eyes was wearing glasses, but that's not what it said.)



Probably just a typo, but... "why" indeed..

rubia's spork from August 10:

-Sadly I immediately knew what the writer meant by calling fallacious "such a nasty word". My mind, it is a dirty, dirty place.

-We have a teleporter now? Neat! Where'd you get this awesome thing? We should have one installed in the observation room and we'd never miss lunch breaks again.

-Poor Phoenix. Gotta suck to wake up to that. ^^

-How did you find out about transfenestrating? I never knew it had its own word. Nice piece of trivia there.

Edgeworth: That doesn't make it any less excusable.

I think you meant it wouldn't make it any more excusable. Or less inexcusable. ;)

-If Blackquill becomes the new Gumshow, I want a stupid fic or comic in which Franziska keeps calling him Fluffy.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
-Edgeworth's suit is still not magenta. I'd call it more of a dusty velvet plum red.
See for yourself:

I'd say a bit more cardinal red, aside from the shaded areas.

And on that note, Nick's suit is pretty close to a cobalt blue if we're referring to the original sprites.

-Long hair "to tease and torture him with"? What has the writer of this fic been smoking? How exactly do you "tease and torture" someone with your hair?
Is it on fire? Coated in acid? That would be at least as unpleasant for the tormenter as it would be for the victim.

Strangulation? Well, I'd think that sit safely in the "attempted murder" department.

-We have a teleporter now? Neat! Where'd you get this awesome thing? We should have one installed in the observation room and we'd never miss lunch breaks again.

Believe it or not, it had previously been a force-field generator designed with a semi-permeable barrier, but I decided against it. The teleporter is much more convenient and easy to use.

-How did you find out about transfenestrating? I never knew it had its own word. Nice piece of trivia there.

Wiktionary is the way better dictionary. It includes the latest neologisms and a multitude of foreign loanwords that may or may not have been taken directly from different languages.

I haven't read Vineland, but I have heard how it's one of the best comedy novels in recent years. And yet, I have yet to hear of it earning a film adaptation.

Edgeworth: That doesn't make it any less excusable.

I think you meant it wouldn't make it any more excusable. Or less inexcusable. ;)

Give him a break. He didn't even have his tea to enjoy. Dang it, I always miss that for some reason.

-If Blackquill becomes the new Gumshoe, I want a stupid fic or comic in which Franziska keeps calling him Fluffy.

Sad to say that I haven't found any yet, but now I'm tempted to try it myself.
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
Airey's spork from August 10:

-I'm not sure how Edgeworth commenting on working with Gant is breaking the fourth wall. He's not hinting at their universe being a game. Could you explain?

-Uhm, you know... with the explicit fics we have here lately, and the new rule about NSFW content... is text form still within the rules? Should we censor those scenes? Should we ask about it in the rule thread? (I must say, personally, I really don't have to read about some characters's private parts and what they do with them *shudders with disgust*. Still, it is funny to haunt the sporkers with yaoi jokes...)

-"Karma sutra"? I'm surprised you let such a great chance for a joke slip you by. ;)

The fourth wall thing was supposed to be in reference to his comment about the fans; I just ordered that badly. Whoops.

I figured it would be fine if I cut out the most explicit parts - and believe me it did get a HECK of a lot more explicit. Still, I get that I should probably getting different types of fics in the future, if only for the sake of variety... I'm planning on doung a totally harmless one next. Once I find one. (Please don't report me.)

Also yeah I didn't even notice it said that until now. Dang it.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

@Airey: I won't report you (as I said, I'm not sure if the rule applies to text quotes or not), but I wouldn't rule out a mod coming across it by themselves, and if it should be against the rules, they might delete it - which, granted, would be good riddance for the fic, but sad for the spork.
I think it would probably be best to cut overly explicit stuff out - both to be safe, and to keep this thread fun for everyone. You never know how young your readers might be. But if the majority of you want to keep the squick in your future sporks, I'll just have to live with it. ;)
And I don't even want to imagine what happened in the even worse parts of the fic. Yikes!

@Rubia: I googled cardinal red and some of the results look like they could work (depending on what you assume his suit is made of - some fabrics are duller or more color intensive than others). I still think it's something between plum red and burgundy though, because cardinal doesn't seem quite blueish enough to me. It's hard to say which color exactly it is, but I think we can agree that whatever it is, it is not magenta. ;)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

How 'bout we just call it "Edgeworth red"?
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

Sounds like a plan. ^^
(By the way, sorry that I'm taking so long reading the last spork. I got sick and hardly made it out of bed yesterday.)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

At any rate, I've been working on reformatting the Breathing Is A Necessity sporking so I can upload it to my spork blog - that way I'll have a backup just in case it does break forum rules. (It's taking a while because my internet connection refused to cooperate with Tumblr half the time.)
Edit: Good Gregory that took a lot longer than I thought it would. At least we won't lose the sporking now~
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

Okay, I finally finished reading through that squickfest.

Feedback on Airey's spork from August 11:

-I like that little "enters stage left" bit. When you do make jokes, they're usually very funny. ^^

-A few of those "pal"s seem out of place. You know Gumshoe doesn't end every sentence with it (or a name/title replacing it), right? It sound a bit artificial and not like the way a person would naturally speak if you use the word too often (many fans have the same problem with Franziska's "fool" tic). But otherwise he seems alright.

-Speaking of frequently used words, is there any usable synonym for "rape"? I feel like I'm reading The (sadly hypothetic) Pewdiepie Sporking Theater with how often that word comes up lately. I don't know any good alternative myself, so does one exist? There are a few poetic ones, but I don't think anyone would naturally use them...

-Dude, you can't forget the barf bags for a fic like that. Think of the poor underpayed cleaner who'd end up having to wash that stuff out the carpet. D:
(Although... maybe you could make them clean it as a punishment? Hmmm... you might be on to something there...)

-How does fic Phoenix suddenly have "a new set of abs"? What, are they somebody else's abs, and he's wearing them like a cosplay? Did he buy them at the store? Did he draw them?

-Nice play on words with the closet (I'm just assuming it's a play on words because Edgeworth's a closet fan).
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

You know, a Mario game!

Gender: Male

Location: Canada, eh?

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:05 pm

Posts: 1957

Any suggestions for a fic for my second sporking? I appreciate your guys' feedback on my first, though Pessimistic Fool's feedback was more about the fic itself rather than my sporking of it, though it does reveal some jokes I could have made that I didn't. I want a fic that's bad, but not too long. I hope you guys come up with a good suggestion. I COULD spork my own fan fiction that I wrote back in 2008, but it's not quite bad enough.
My let's Play channel! Shameless plug!
Current Project: Sly Cooper & The Thievius Racoonus
My Twitter Account
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Racing through the sky like a Missile

Gender: Female

Location: LA, Japanifornia

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:17 am

Posts: 6172

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
-Speaking of frequently used words, is there any usable synonym for "rape"? I feel like I'm reading The (sadly hypothetic) Pewdiepie Sporking Theater with how often that word comes up lately. I don't know any good alternative myself, so does one exist? There are a few poetic ones, but I don't think anyone would naturally use them...

Molest, violate, sexually harass, do someone... the list actually goes on.

-Dude, you can't forget the barf bags for a fic like that. Think of the poor underpayed cleaner who'd end up having to wash that stuff out the carpet. D:
(Although... maybe you could make them clean it as a punishment? Hmmm... you might be on to something there...)

Then we'd have to provide them some toothbrushes. What else would they clean it up with?

dimentiorules wrote:
Any suggestions for a fic for my second sporking? I appreciate your guys' feedback on my first, though Pessimistic Fool's feedback was more about the fic itself rather than my sporking of it, though it does reveal some jokes I could have made that I didn't. I want a fic that's bad, but not too long. I hope you guys come up with a good suggestion. I COULD spork my own fan fiction that I wrote back in 2008, but it's not quite bad enough.

We usually don't recommend sporking one's own stuff, since a sporking is meant to be someone else's critique of it, but I don't think we've ever set that rule in stone or anything.

As for fics... I found this one that uses these guys like cardboard cutouts. It's 5 chapters long so far, but each chapter is pretty short and pretty boring. At least with crack fics, they're written to make the readers laugh.
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:
Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
Speaking of frequently used words, is there any usable synonym for "rape"? I feel like I'm reading The (sadly hypothetic) Pewdiepie Sporking Theater with how often that word comes up lately. I don't know any good alternative myself, so does one exist? There are a few poetic ones, but I don't think anyone would naturally use them...

Molest, violate, sexually harass, do someone... the list actually goes on.

I'll be honest here: I hate using euphemisms for rape, and that was definitely reflected in my sporking. :sadshoe:
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar


Gender: None specified

Location: The Netherlands

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:18 pm

Posts: 4

Hello! I just want to say that I absolutely love these sporks! I've been reading them for over a year now, and I was so happy to see that this forum was back to life again when I came back from vacation! Thank you all so very much for writing them! ^__^
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Who all is working on sporkings right now?
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Posts: 233

I'm still working on Following the Law (and Evil Continues).
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Lacks the brain for meaningful posts.

Gender: Male

Location: Portugal

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:25 am

Posts: 232

I think it's about time I came by to say I really like the sporkings here.

I've been reading them thus far and will continue to do so. It was a very pleasant surprise to see this sprout back to life, and I hope you lads are aware that people are reading and enjoying the sporkings very much. (Well, I am at least)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Cause of death is being dummy

Gender: Female

Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm

Posts: 812

Does anyone have some totally harmless oneshots? I have a fantastic idea for the punishment sporking I kept threatening Phoenix with, and it's high time I did something not disturbing. (We don't talk about my first spork here, apparently.)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
User avatar

Gender: None specified

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 7:47 pm

Posts: 970

I'm glad to hear people enjoy reading the sporks! I haven't contributed that much yet, but hopefully I've given someone a good chuckle or two.

Edited a part of my previous spork where Maya wondered how Phoenix would get his client declared guilty...Maya, you silly girl.

Speaking of my previous spork, I don't believe there's much more to write about since it just copies the events of the first Ace Attorney game with a Mary Sue thrown into the mix (and as you may have noticed, the grammar makes no sense and the chapters are LONG). If someone knows of another sporkericious fanfic, please feel free to inform me.
Page 9 of 69 [ 2726 posts ] 
Go to page Previous  1 ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 ... 69  Next
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  

 Board index » Present Evidence » Present Testimony

Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum
Jump to:  
News News Site map Site map SitemapIndex SitemapIndex RSS Feed RSS Feed Channel list Channel list
Powered by phpBB