Court Records

Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!
Page 3 of 67

Author:  Chips [ Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Veruni wrote:
I just want to pop in here to ask if anybody happens to have Phoenix's Turnabout saved. You know the one with Hulk Hogan and the meat pistol and the alien dolphin? I can only find the first two chapters of it on the old thread and I'm crying because it was the best piece of literature to ever grace my eyeballs and I want to read it in its entirety once more. Internet archives didn't save it :larry:

I have the link to the original thread. You have to find the right post yourself though.

EDIT: I'm sorry, I didn't realise that the link to the old thread can already be found in the first page. :oops: However, I've reread the thread and found the post of spork with meat pistols and Hulk. It's this, right?

Author:  Veruni [ Mon Jul 01, 2013 12:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Chips wrote:
Veruni wrote:
I just want to pop in here to ask if anybody happens to have Phoenix's Turnabout saved. You know the one with Hulk Hogan and the meat pistol and the alien dolphin? I can only find the first two chapters of it on the old thread and I'm crying because it was the best piece of literature to ever grace my eyeballs and I want to read it in its entirety once more. Internet archives didn't save it :larry:

I have the link to the original thread. You have to find the right post yourself though.

EDIT: I'm sorry, I didn't realise that the link to the old thread can already be found in the first page. :oops: However, I've reread the thread and found the post of spork with meat pistols and Hulk. It's this, right?

Yes, I have the first two chapters saved. (I think chapter 3 is in that thread as well but I had no luck finding it, and I know chapter 4 was never sporked before it got taken down) I was just hoping against hope that somebody here had actually saved all four chapters of the original story to their harddrives somewhere before it got taken off of It's a long shot but it can't hurt to ask, right?

Author:  Chips [ Sat Jul 06, 2013 3:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Veruni wrote:
Chips wrote:
Veruni wrote:
I just want to pop in here to ask if anybody happens to have Phoenix's Turnabout saved. You know the one with Hulk Hogan and the meat pistol and the alien dolphin? I can only find the first two chapters of it on the old thread and I'm crying because it was the best piece of literature to ever grace my eyeballs and I want to read it in its entirety once more. Internet archives didn't save it :larry:

I have the link to the original thread. You have to find the right post yourself though.

EDIT: I'm sorry, I didn't realise that the link to the old thread can already be found in the first page. :oops: However, I've reread the thread and found the post of spork with meat pistols and Hulk. It's this, right?

Yes, I have the first two chapters saved. (I think chapter 3 is in that thread as well but I had no luck finding it, and I know chapter 4 was never sporked before it got taken down) I was just hoping against hope that somebody here had actually saved all four chapters of the original story to their harddrives somewhere before it got taken off of It's a long shot but it can't hurt to ask, right?

I'm sorry, I thought you were looking for the spork itself. I can't help you with the fic, sadly. :payne: I'll ask Neni for it, maybe she has it saved.

Author:  Little_Thief [ Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Ben Lyon wrote:
Alright, just finished the first chapter! Only twenty nine left to go...

Kay: What did I just tell you guys about breaking our previous record?!

Oh, dear. And I thought Once Upon a Turnabout was a pain to spork. Hey, at least all thirty chapters are actually written. I had to wait several months for each installment to come out, and that was no fun. :yuusaku:

Great sporking, by the way. I certainly got quite a few chuckles out of it. Best of luck with the rest. :hobolaugh:

Author:  Darth Wiader [ Sun Jul 07, 2013 7:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I've found a HORRIBLE one today... You want to know what it is? Read it yourself. (WARNING: Swearing and mature content)

Author:  Ben Lyon [ Tue Jul 09, 2013 3:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Little Thief: Heh, it's not like I'm trying to break the record. I just see a story and go with my gut! And between the two stories here, I'm not sure which of us is getting the better deal, if at all. Thanks for the encouragement!

Now then, let's move on to Chapter 2!

Episode 5: Charms, Magic, and Turnabout; Part 2

(The camera opens up inside Theater #2, with Phoenix and Trucy already inside. The father/daughter duo have a bunch of snacks with them from concessions and are eating through the pile at an astonishing pace. Apollo walks into the theater at this time. As he walks to the front, he sees the two munching on their snacks and sighs.)

Apollo: Sheesh, don't you two think you've had enough? I swear, if you guys eat any more, you might as well just live in the concession area...

Trucy: But Polly! The snacks are free! And when a business offers a product for free, you have to grab as many as you can to take advantage of the deal! That's what Daddy taught me!

Phoenix: That's right! Glad to see you're still taking my lessons to heart, Trucy-doll!

Apollo: Right... Anyway, can we go ahead and start? I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to.

Phoenix: What's with the grumpy face, Apollo? It's like you don't want to see yourself romance a fifteen year old girl in a cliche filled fanfiction!

Apollo: (Uh, no kidding?)

Trucy: Ooh, I wonder what today's chapter is going to be like? I hope I get to see me perform my magic this time!

Phoenix: Well, you'll definitely see some kind of magic. Although it's not the type of magic you're thinking of...

(The lights dim before Phoenix can expand on his latest enigmatic comment. The trio fall silent as the second chapter starts.)

"C-can I help you?" asked Apollo.

Oh crap...

"Uh... I'm fine thanks," I answered quickly, a blush appearing on my face.

Phoenix: Not even five words have been spoken, and you've already got her blushing up a storm. You work fast, Apollo!

Trucy: Wow, I didn't know you could be so smooth, Polly! I bet Prosecutor Gavin would be envious of you right now!

Apollo: (sweating) Yeah, I bet he's real jealous of my ability to attract underage girls. Besides, I don't know how she could be interested in me at all when we've never met before! This is our first interaction, right?

Trucy: You say that like we need a reason, Polly! We're teenage girls! We fall for any guy that looks even marginally attractive! We can't help our hormones!

Apollo: (That's a great thing to say in front of your father...)

Phoenix: ...

"Who are you?" Apollo questioned, now I think slightly suspicious.

"I'm Michela, Michela Amello," I introduced myself. "You can call me Micki. I'm a friend of Trucy's from school. You must be Apollo Justice."

Apollo: Well of course I'd be suspicious! I've just woken up from a nap and the first thing I see is this teenage girl I've never seen before staring at my face! Why wouldn't I be suspicious?

Trucy: Hey, wait a minute! She just gave us her name! We're already learning more about her now than the entire first chapter! Maybe this is a good sign!

Phoenix: I wouldn't get your hopes up, Trucy. Still, at least we can refer to her as something other than the author's OC.

Apollo: You can call her Michela, but I think I'll stick with her real name.

Trucy: Really? What's her real name?

Apollo: Mary Sue.

"Does she know you're here?"

"Damn, you ask a lot of questions. She knows I'm here, her father doesn't. They're down at the Wonder Bar."

"Right... well, I guess you can hang out here for a bit and I could say I invited you over for cover."


Trucy: Well, your suspicions didn't last long, Polly! You must like her if you're willing to cover for me!

Apollo: N-No I don't! I'm still suspicious! Very suspicious! I'm just, er, luring her into a false sense of security before asking the really tough questions! That's all!

Phoenix: (grins) Oh really? So your cover story is that you invited her over instead of Trucy? When you've never seen her before in your life? And happen to be at least seven years older than her? That would be the worst cover story ever attempted!

Apollo: N-Nngahhhhh! (H-He's got me there!)

Trucy: So the only possible explanation left is that you ARE smitten with her! That's the only reason why you would keep her presence a secret!

Phoenix: Exactly. Good deduction, Trucy!

Apollo: Grrr...

"No problem." He paused and looked down at my wrist. "Nice bracelet. What's the symbol supposed to mean?"

Trucy: She has a bracelet? I don't remember her describing a bracelet at all in the chapter before...

Phoenix: She didn't. It's only stated in the summary again. This is the second time we've had to look at the summary to see an important fact that should have been stated in the story proper. Not the best track record for the author so far, huh?

Apollo: Ugh, now she's even ripping off my bracelet? It's like the author is desperately trying to convince the readers that the two of us were meant to be! Next thing you know, her bracelet will have some kind of superpower too!

Phoenix: ......

"Thanks; it was a gift from my mom before she died. The symbol is pronounced quán lì meaning power, as in the power you wield. Not sure why it says that."

"Are you Chinese?"

"No, I'm Japanese-Italian American."


Apollo: I'm also one half French-German Canadian. With relatives in Spain and Portugal as well.

Trucy: Ooh, and also one half Brazilian-Swedish Russian! With some Indian blood mixed in!

Phoenix: Heh, don't forget the part about her being one half Ewok and one half Vulcan. And one half deity as well!

Apollo and I talked for a while. We mostly talked about his trial at first, but then we went off to other topics, like sports and music. I talked about how I run track at school and Apollo said that he utterly sucked at sports.

Apollo: Hey! I take offense to that! I'll have you know, I was on the golf team in high school! (...Well, junior varsity, but still!)

Trucy: You're a golfer, Polly? I wouldn't know that from looking at you!

Phoenix: Yeah, you don't really look like the patient type. I would have guessed you were the type to throw a tantrum every time you take a swing!

Apollo: Why must you two have such a low regard for my self-control? I didn't throw any tantrums at all! (...In public at least...)

"Apollo, you can't be that bad!" I shouted through laughter.

"Come on, I ran the wrong way when I made a single and we lost because of that! Stop laughing!"

I was bawling over in laughter. That's the thing you see on TV on some sitcom. I never heard something like that happen in real life. When I finally calmed down, I apologized.

Phoenix and Trucy: (laughing hysterically)

Apollo: (slaps his palm against his head) There's being bad at sports, and then there's being legally blind. I'm not the greatest at baseball, but I at least know how to run the bases! ... And would you two stop laughing already?!

Phoenix: (wipes a tear from his eye) Ha ha ha! Sorry, Apollo, but the mental image was just too hilarious!

Trucy: (puts her hands over her mouth) Yeah, it was! Like Micki said, it's something you only see on TV shows!

Apollo: (sighs) Yeah, only on TV shows. That doesn't mean it happens in real life! It certainly did not happen to me, that's for sure!

"Sorry, it's just that when I surf and I wipeout, I kind of just laugh it off, like it didn't happen. I didn't mean to offend you."

"It's fine. I'm used to it. Trucy and Mr. Wright often laugh when I make mistakes like that."

"Trucy does that to me at school. I guess you grow immune to it after awhile."

Apollo: Or you just accept the constant abuse until you become completely dead inside to all the mockery. Either way.

Trucy: Um, we don't tease you like that ALL the time, do we? I mean, it's not my intention to make you upset, Polly...

Apollo: ...No, I guess not. I know you don't mean any harm with your jokes, Trucy. I guess it just feels like that sometimes. Sorry, I shouldn't have made a remark like that.

Trucy: Aw, it's okay Polly! I know you didn't mean to upset me with your sarcasm, either!

Phoenix: Now this is a real bonding moment! Group hug, anyone?

Apollo: N-No thanks!

I noticed Apollo was looking at my bracelet again.

"Is something wrong?" I asked Apollo.

"Y-your bracelet is glowing," Apollo stammered.

Trucy: Wha-?! This is new! Can your bracelet glow, Apollo?

Apollo: O-Of course not! The only thing my bracelet does is tighten up at the sight of a nervous tell! I've never seen it glow before!

Phoenix: Ah, looks like the real story is about to begin. Brace yourself kids, I'm going to take you for a wild ride...

I looked down and the charm was freakin' glowing white.

What the hell?

"Ma che diavolo?" I said out loud. "It's never done this before."

Trucy: "Machi Dee-Avolo?" Is that Machi's last name?

Phoenix: It's another Italian expression, Trucy-doll. Loosely translated, it means... Well, just look at the sentence above and you can probably guess.

Trucy: Oh, I see! Still, I wonder why it's even glowing in the first place...

"It has to be coming from this apartment," Apollo deduced.


Phoenix: Care to explain how you came to that deduction, Sherlock Justice?

Apollo: Well, by examining the pattern of the glow emitting from the bracelet and tracing it back to the origin point of when the bracelet began to light up... Oh come on! What other explanation could there possibly be?!

Phoenix: Well, there's always the possibility that there isn't anything supernatural in the apartment and you two are losing your minds. But that's far too simple and mundane for this story.

Apollo: Fair point...

We stood up and took a walk around. Nothing from the kitchen. Nothing from the bathroom. The glow didn't change. That is, until we got the door to the flat.

It's gotten brighter!

"I guess we go this way," said Apollo.

Trucy: You guess? You should be more confident, Apollo! You have the opportunity to make a possibly world-changing discovery, and you just "guess" with your decisions?!

Apollo: Well excuse me for not being prepared to deal with supernatural bracelet and apartment secrets! That wasn't in the job description you gave me!

Trucy: Well it will be from now on! I hereby decree that all employees at the Wright Anything Agency, both current and future, must now be ready to deal with supernatural cases at any given moment! That means every urban myth, legend, and folktale must be examined when dealing with future murder cases! Agreed?

Phoenix: Heh, no objections here! Decree passed, signed, and stamped into law!

Trucy: Apollo?

Apollo: *sigh* Why not? It's not like we'll actually get a supernatural murder case...

Trucy: Never say never, Polly!

We opened the door to the flat and climbed up the stairs. My charm glowed brighter and brighter as we continued up the stairs and down the hall. Apollo and I walked past Trucy's room. I continued to walk past Mr. Wright's room, until Apollo grabbed me.

"Wait, something's coming from Mr. Wright's room," whispered Apollo.

Trucy: Huh? But Micki was already in Daddy's room, and nothing happened there! Why would there be anything different this time around?

Phoenix: Plot convenience.

We opened the door to his bedroom. There was a small glow in the corner of the room. As I approached the glow closer and closer, the glow shone brighter and brighter. When I finally reached the source, I saw that there was a small indent in the wall matching the shape of the charm on my bracelet.

"Hey Apollo, can you call Trucy and Mr. Wright before I do something stupid."

Apollo: Okay, but you know what would be even better? Calling the police and letting them deal with this instead of one lawyer, one ex-lawyer, and two teenagers!

Phoenix: To be fair, it's not like the police force would be any better at solving this than we would. They can barely deal with the regular crimes in the city, much less the supernatural ones.

Apollo: (I can't really argue with him on that...)

Trucy: It sure is lucky that the indent is such a perfect match with Micki's bracelet! The odds of that must be like a million to one!

Apollo: I'd say it's even higher than that, considering we don't even know what shape the indent and the bracelet are. Seriously, would it kill the author to go a little more in depth about her bracelet?!

"Alright, what's going- AUGH!" shouted Phoenix as he walked in with Trucy, who was covering her eyes. "My god, what is that light?"

"We're still figuring that out," replied Apollo.

Ugh, what's going on?" asked Phoenix. "Apollo texted me about some weird indent in the wall."

"Same with Micki," said Trucy.

"I think that's pretty self-explanatory at this point," I said. "Let's do this thing."

Phoenix: So, I don't even bat an eyelash at the fact that both Trucy and Apollo lied to me about a teenager I've never seen before being in my house? I just see this light and go with the flow? That sounds too laid back, even for me.

Trucy: And why do I have my eyes covered already, but Daddy seems completely surprised by the light? You'd think we'd both be on the same page...

Apollo: And why are we "doing this thing" without any regard for our safety? And why haven't the neighbors seen this bright light if we've been waiting for Mr. Wright and Trucy this entire time? And why haven't we contacted the police or some kind of local authority yet?!

Phoenix: We have some very good questions here. A pity we'll never get an answer for any of them.

Apollo: (Ugh, not cool author. Not cool...)

I placed my bracelet charm in the indent. Then the light disappeared. Then I tumbled down a stairway.


Apollo: Then I woke up. Then I realized I was dreaming the entire time and that the dream was extremely silly. Then I got out of bed and never thought of this again. The end.

Phoenix: If only it were that easy...

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow..." I yelped out as a rolled down each step.

I hit the bottom with a satisfying "thump!".

"Aw God..." I groaned.

I opened my eyes. It was almost pitch dark, but I could faintly make out the outlines and shadows of ruins. I sat up in awe. I looked around and saw my bracelet was still glowing.

Apollo: ... (his fists start trembling)

Trucy: Um, Polly? A-Are you oka-?

Apollo: (slams his fists on the armrests) HOLD IT! What kind of game is the author playing at here?! A trip down a flight of stairs leads to discovering ancient ruins? Where did she fall to, ancient Greece?!

Phoenix: Whoa, Apollo! Calm yourself dow-!

Apollo: And furthermore! Mr. Wright's home is at least two stories up! Yet, these stairs go down far enough where it can hold ancient ruins! Did nobody just notice these stairs the entire time?! Did the stairs just magically appear when the bracelet was activated?! And does the author really expect us to believe that no one at all noticed there was all these ruins underneath the city for potentially thousands of years?! This is all stupid!

Phoenix: Apollo! Control yourself!

Apollo: ...!

Phoenix: Listen, I know all of this sounds insane, illogical, and unbelievable. And it is, don't get me wrong. But you can't let this get to you. Just fight through it with your usual mental toughness, and you'll make it through the chapter. Okay?

Apollo: ...I can try. But the author isn't exactly making it easy for me to just grin and bear it, you know?

Phoenix: Oh trust me, I know. (smiles) But let me tell you something my mentor always told me. A lawyer is someone who always smiles, no matter how bad it gets. So when the situation gets really dark... that's when you have to put on your brightest smile.

Apollo: ...

"Are you okay?" Trucy shouted down.

"Where am I? What's going on? Trucy, I don't think I can take that history test on Monday," I shouted back up with a huge grin on my face.

"Oh shut up!" Trucy yelled half-laughing.

Apollo: ... (grins) Ha ha ha! I nearly died by falling down the stairs! Near death experiences are so hilarious!

Trucy: (giggles) That grin is so unlike you, Apollo! But I like it!

Phoenix: (grins) That's what I'm talking about. Just keep your wits about you, and you'll be fine!

Apollo: (scratches his hair embarrassingly) Heh, it feels a little awkward smiling like that... But I won't back down from a challenge! I swear on my Chords of Steel that I won't let this fic get the better of me!

Phoenix: (Heh, he really does remind me of when I first started out. Here's hoping he turns out better than I did...)

"It's safe to come down, just watch your step," I informed them.

I heard everyone coming down the stairs. I stood up.

"Onward to adventure!" I exclaimed with excitement, my hand with the glowing bracelet pointing foreword.

Trucy: That's right everyone! Let's go forth and explore the ruins that no one else in the entire city seemed to notice!

Apollo: With absolutely no regard to our own safety or what traps could be lurking in the ruins!

Phoenix: And with no one staying back to tell the police in case the adventure goes horribly wrong! Surely this foolproof exploration plan is bound to succeed! It's ADVENTURE TIME!

Apollo and Trucy: (raising their hands in mock cheer) Yaaaaaaaaay!

We travelled steadily through the ruins. It was quite creepy. The chamber was old and smelled of musk and death. The walls were crumbling and had strange ancient paintings all over them. The floor was wet and covered in spider webs with the occasionally beetle or scorpion. Despite these setbacks, we continued moving. I stayed near Apollo and the others.

"Hey Dad, I didn't know we had hidden chambers in our apartment," Trucy remarked.

"Me neither," Phoenix replied.

Trucy: Well, you learn something new every day, right? And with this discovery here, I think I've learned enough to last a lifetime!

Phoenix: Ancient paintings, huh? So I would imagine these ruins go as far back as Greece, at the very least. Maybe as far back as ancient Egypt? I don't know, I'm not an expert at this sort of thing.

Apollo: Neither is the author, by the look of it. And I would hardly classify an occasional bug or scorpion as a setback...

Micki decides to calm her nerves by singing a song that's one of the author's- I mean one of her- favorites. Why the author decided to bring this song into the story is as big a mystery as the sudden appearance of the ruins.

Phoenix: Kind of a catchy song though, wouldn't you agree?

Speakers: The management would like to remind Mr. Phoenix Wright that addressing the Fourth Wall-

Phoenix: Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first twenty times. It still had to be said.

Apollo: (I didn't even know we had speakers in here...)

I crashed into a wall right in front of me. After checking to see if my face was okay and my nose wasn't broken, I took a good look at the wall. It was dusty, except for the part I bumped into. There was writing, but I couldn't make it out. I began to rub the dust away, revealing more and more words.

"Can you guys help?" I asked.

Everyone began to wipe away the dust. Eventually, a riddle appeared.

"The quest has been set in motion, the one who unlocks this charm holds a supernatural notion," Phoenix read off the wall.

Everyone looked at me.

"Okay, so I believed this bracelet had some sort of supernatural power," I admitted.

Apollo: I think we kinda know that already. What with the flashing lights and mystifying ruins and all.

Trucy: What quest are they talking about, though? Is it a quest for an ancient object? A room full of treasure? A secret book of awesome magic acts?!

Phoenix: Now, now, Trucy. Telling you now would be spoiling the surprise. Let's just keep on reading and we'll find out about the quest when we get there.

Trucy: Awww...

Apollo: (It's not like the payoff will be worth it, anyway...)

I looked and saw another indent for my charm. I place the charm into the wall and the wall steadily slid out of sight. Beyond the opening was a gold pedestal with a black opal dragon charm held in a dome of glass. I walked briskly into the chamber. I approached the pedestal. I gripped the glass and slowly lifted it.

I hope this doesn't trigger a trap...

Phoenix: No rewards for guessing what happens next.

Apollo: Uh-huh. By the way, Indiana Jones called. He wants his trap back.

I placed the glass on the ground. I smiled.


The ground began to rumble.

Son of a bitch!

Phoenix: You mean lifting the charm activated a trap? I am shocked beyond comprehension!

Trucy: Me too! I would never have guessed that in a million, zillion years!

Apollo: I was just blown away by that stunning plot twist! Blown away, I tell you!

I snatched the charm and ran as fast as I could across the seemingly endless room. I saw the wall that had opened before was closing in; closer, closer, closer. The door was closing extremely fast now. Or it's just me because I haven't been doing as many track meets lately and I was out of shape. The chamber got darker and darker and darker then... BAM! The chamber shut. I was trapped.

Trucy: Soooo... did we just leave her alone when she went to take the charm? Because I highly doubt all three of us would just leave her there when there's a strong possibility that she's walking into a trap!

Phoenix: I hear you. No matter how annoying she may be, I still wouldn't just leave her to die. At the very least, I would have thought up some kind of plan to keep us all alive!

Apollo: Of course, we all shouldn't have gone down there in the first place. This is something best left to the professionals, not professional wannabes!

(The lights come back on.)

Trucy: It's over! Another chapter is in the books!

Phoenix: And the quest is just beginning. Think you two can handle it?

Trucy: I know I can! This quest sounds exciting!

Apollo: I guess so. I mean, it sounds incredibly stupid, but maybe it's the kind of stupid I secretly enjoy watching rather than the kind of stupid that makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

Phoenix: That's the spirit, Apollo! And hey, at the very least, this makes for a great way for us all to bond, right?

Apollo: I think we need to talk about your ideas for proper team building exercises, Mr. Wright...

Phoenix: Maybe we do, but certainly not in here. Let's head back to the agency. Be sure to sneak as many snacks as you can into your magic panties, Trucy!

Trucy: (puts her panties away) Already on the case, Daddy!

Apollo: (Oh, for crying out loud...)

(And so, the three walk on out of the theater, snacks in hand. With the story now in motion, the fun has just begun...)

To be continued...

Author:  Thane [ Wed Jul 10, 2013 7:29 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Holy crap where has this been all my life? This is so funny I'm actually scared to try it out myself due to the risk of looking boring in comparison.

Author:  PhoenixFlame53 [ Thu Jul 11, 2013 6:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Time for Chapters 2 and 3! Sorry for the delay. :phoenix:

Our sporkers are relaxing in Sporking Theatre No.6. Phoenix is twiddling his thumbs and staring blankly at the screen, Edgeworth is reading the latest Steel Samurai manga and Maya is daydreaming with a huge grin on her face.)

Maya: Aah…I can’t wait until we get free burgers. It’ll be great!
Edgeworth: *peers over the manga* Indeed; but we’ve got 4 more chapters to get through before that can happen.
Phoenix: Yeah…Edgeworth’s right. Look at the first chapter! It was so, so horrible…think of what the others will be like!
Maya: Don’t worry, Nick! It won’t be half as bad.
Edgeworth: I wish that was true. I wish…
Speakers: Breaktime’s over, sporkers. Please put down your personal possessions for the second chapter.
Edgeworth: *mutters* But the Evil Magistrate has just been spotted in Neo Olde Tokyo! I really need to finish this…
Speakers: That includes you, Mr. Edgeworth. Please put the manga away.
Edgeworth: Hmph…. I was just getting to the good part there.

Chapter 2

Maya: You ready, guys?
Phoenix: As ready as I’ll ever be, Maya.
Edgeworth: …Yes. I’m ready.
Phoenix: *whispers to Maya* He’s in a fanboy tantrum over his manga. Best leave him for now.
Edgeworth: *glares* What was that, Wright?
Phoenix and Maya: N-nothing!

Phoenix snook into lordly tailer at night looking for treasure to steel.

Phoenix: Oh, so I’m a pirate now? It’s a better rank than ‘jerk’.
Maya: Ar, me hearties! Behold the Amazing Captain Wrighto and his assistant Governor Ayam as they intrepidly search for treasure!
Edgeworth: No, no, no. You’ve got the rank wrong, Wright. It’s ‘delusional thief’.
Phoenix: …Just how much does this author hate me, Edgeworth? Please tell me.
Maya: Nick! I thought we were pirates! Thieves aren’t cool…
Edgeworth: Maya! Please don’t say that. My assistant will be after us and most definitely give me concussion this time around.
Maya: Sorry! I didn’t mean to-
Edgeworth: It’s okay. You didn’t know. Now, where were we?

TThe crappy kurain xzibit thing was still goin on and he just stood there rapping while phoenix stol the urn and an alarm went of.

Maya: *stands up* HEY! Author, I’ll have you know that the Kurain exhibit was anything but crappy!
It was one of the best things that happened to Kurain, you know!
Phoenix: It’s OK, Maya. Don’t take it too hard.
Maya: Oh, like I haven’t already! *sits down* Sorry, Nick. I just HATE things like that..
Edgeworth: There’s an unnecessary ‘he’ in there, but my guess is that it’s the security guard.
Phoenix: I didn’t know the security guard could rap in his sleep.
Maya: Ooh! *smiles* Maybe it went like this:
“I’m working on the best exhibit around,
And it attracts the homies from everywhere in the town;
Cause Kurain’s the best place to get down, yo!
Cause Kurain’s the best exhibit in town!”
Phoenix: *snicker*
Edgeworth: *snicker*
Maya: What, guys…?
Phoenix and Edgeworth: … *burst out laughing*

Adran Andrews came down from the ceiling like catwoman and screamed

Phoenix: Adrian came down from the ceiling? How the heck did she do that?!
Edgeworth: Zero gravity?
Maya: Superhuman powers?
Phoenix: *sigh* Probably the second one. It does compare her to Catwoman, afterall.
Edgeworth: Well, she doesn’t need superhuman powers to scream at the sight of you, Wright.
Phoenix: …
Maya: Mr. Edgeworth…that was quite harsh.
Edgeworth: S-sorry, Wright! I didn’t-
Phoenix: Just remember, Edgeworth: there’s a very fine line between a joke and an insult…

“Your preshus URNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN !" (play the games its funny) she whispered as she started doing all backflips with her whip becaus von karma said he would teach her and he did.

Phoenix: Uh…never in the history of my life have I heard her whisper that. In all caps, no less.
Edgeworth: And Franziska doesn’t do backflips when whipping people…does she?
Phoenix: I sincerely hope not..
Maya: *bursts out laughing* Oh, wow…that mental image is killing me!
Edgeworth: Anyway…Author! Trials aren’t compared to games!
Phoenix: Yeah, that joke’s getting old already, author. Stop it.
Maya: What they said, Author! What they said!

She whipped phoenix in the face who swore but it came out in a white spiky bubble like objection which ripped her costume because it was spiky.

Phoenix: I don’t swear, Author. And my speech definitely doesn’t come out in a white spiky bubble…
Edgeworth: Well, this author loves exaggeration with a passion, we’ve learnt. Ergo, you’re probably out of breath in the freezing cold exhibit room, and the author’s made your breath seem like…a spiky bubble that can rip things…
Phoenix: Now do you get my point?
Edgeworth: Yes. Yes, I do.

"you fool! She said This cost 100000 dollars!" she said with an angry face.

All: HOW much?!
Edgeworth: Wow, she’s really taken after Franziska. The whip, the use of ‘fool’, the expensive taste..
Phoenix: At this rate, she’ll be studying to become a prosecutor.
Maya: Make sure if she does, Nick, you beat her in court!
Phoenix: Oh, I will. Just pray that Franziska isn’t her co-counsel…

Phoenix was scared and a little turned on so he paid her 100 pounds in cash and gave her some fanart he drew of Franziska von karma and adrin forgave him and they had a hug to show no hard feelings.

Phoenix: Author, please tell me. Why is my character turned on at EVERY woman character that appears? It’s getting weird now.
Edgeworth: Wright, is it true you draw FAN-art of Franziska? *grins* Oh, how sweet!
Maya: Really, Nick?! I didn’t know-
Phoenix: I am NOT in love with her! *blushes* And it’s Xin Eohp that draws the fanart.
Maya: And Ayam that improves the scribbles!
Edgeworth: ..Um…Xin Eohp?
Phoenix: Just a joke between us two, Edgeworth. Don’t worry about it.
Edgeworth: You know, I think Adrian would have preferred a copy of Franzy’s Whip-Lash Splash to your personal fan drawings, Wright. How long has it been since you studied Art?
Phoenix: Quite a long time now. But anyway, I wonder if Larry actually finished it?
Maya: Wow, I need to see that! Seriously, the name….and Franziska….and Larry drawing her…
Phoenix: I’ll ask Larry about it.
Maya: *grins* Yay!

"dayum" said xzibit who was recordin this in case he could get a new show on mtv who then made it a group hug becaus he was a lonely dude.

Edgeworth: Seriously, Author? Exhibits cannot talk.
Phoenix: I really don’t get the point of the sentence. What do you think?
Maya: *gasp* M-maybe they put it in to prolong our wait for burgers! Bad author!
Phoenix: I doubt that, but that is what it’s doing right now…

"pl\aytimes over" sed adrin who stipped off the rest of her outfit

Phoenix: No…….no….that image…
Edgeworth: ….
Maya: Don’t worry, Nick! *points* The rest of the sentence is appearing!
Edgeworth: *sigh of relief* Thank goodness..
Phoenix: Oh, so this was halfway through the sentence, was it…? Management! Why?! Why do that to us?!
Speakers: Heh heh. Sorry, Mr Wright.

to reveal she was actually...

Maya: Oh no! It’s Nairda!
Edgeworth: Nairda?
Maya: Her alter ego! Like mine is called Ayam!
Edgeworth: …Oh. Interesting.
Phoenix: So yours would be… Selim.
Maya: I like that name, Mr. Edgeworth! It’s actually quite cool.
Phoenix: Come on! Mine’s not cool at all! It’s Xin Eohp…
Edgeworth: *snicker*

Frank Sahwit!1

Phoenix and Edgeworth: ….WHAT?!
Phoenix: B-but he was found guilty! Of murder! By me, no less!
Edgeworth: And I saw him quite recently, too!
Maya: Uh…could someone fill me in?
Phoenix: You know my very first trial? That Mia told you about?
Maya: Um-hm.
Phoenix: He was the murderer!
Maya: *gasp* No way! But he should be in jail, then!
Edgeworth: And that’s where I come in, Maya. I- coincidentally- spoke to him in jail only some time ago. So I just don’t get how he could have broken out!
Maya: I-It’s OK, Mr. Edgeworth. This is all just a horrible fanfiction, anyway.

Chapter 3

Phoenix: Oh boy, oh boy…This is going to be bad.
Edgeworth: Brace yourself, Wright. We’re in for a very bumpy ride.

"frank i thought you were dead!" said Phoenix

Phoenix: Why would I call him by his first name? We’re not friends or anything. And I knew he didn’t get the death penalty, anyway.

"I was but i was such a well loved character the writers brought me back like shadow in sonic" replied sahwits mole who had the voice ofdarth vader to show he ment bisness.

Phoenix: Oh; so that’s why. It was his mole I was speaking to.
Maya: *grins* I just thought of something: “No, Phoenix.. I am your father!”
Edgeworth: You know you’re bad when a spirit medium makes up a better plot for your horribly messed-up story…but I suppose I forgive you for the Sonic reference, Author. Shadow was- is- my favourite, after all..
Phoenix and Maya: You like that stuff?!
Edgeworth: *blushes* O-of course not! I was just complimenting on the author’s use of references!
Maya: Sure you were, Mr. Edgeworth.
Edgeworth: B-but I was!
Phoenix: I want proof you’re not a Sonic fanboy, right here and now. Go on!
Edgeworth: …

He then killed xzibit with the real statue of the thinker because he was now ripped and like 8 feet tall but he still had clothes on and because xzibit wasn't reely doing anything.

Edgeworth: Do I have to remind you again? *stands up*
EXHIBITS ARE NOT LIVING THINGS. Yes, they don’t do anything, and you have registered that at least. BUT YOU CANNOT INTERACT WITH THEM LIKE HUMAN BEINGS.
*sits down* Thank you.
Phoenix: And the idea of Sawhit with muscles just makes him more frightening. *shudder*
Maya: And there was two Thinkers! One is with the police, and the other…is also in police custody!
Both were murder weapons!
Or are you telling us, Author, that he broke out of prison, stole from the evidence room and then went all the way to the exhibit?!
Phoenix: Probably, Maya. I know it’s confusing, but we’ll just have to bear it.

"wots a writer" said phoenix and everyone laughed at his stupidity except for phoenix and sahwit who was too ripped to laugh or talk but his mole talked for him but it was actually his mouth because he wasn't that ripped.

Phoenix: I know what a writer is. But I don’t know why I would have one. It’s not like I’m a fictional character from, say, a video game…
Maya: So, then. Sawhit can’t talk because he’s just grown a massive amount of muscle, but then his pet mole which is actually his mouth speak to Nick because Nick’s eyes deceived him and he actually never grew any muscle? Strange…
Edgeworth: Strange indeed.

They stood around staring at each other like in dragonball z and then started screaming for ages like in dragonball z and the shop opened because they screamed for that long and people came in and stared thinking they were part of the exhibit but he was dead on the floor so they called the policewho couldn't come because they were too busy arresting the wrong peeps for murder.

Edgeworth: Dragonball Z! This author has quite a good taste, Wright.
Phoenix: …
Maya: …
Phoenix: ..Anyway, the police aren’t that stupid, author. I mean, if one team went to the wrong murderers there would always be another to come to the exhibit…right?
Edgeworth: Right. And don’t forget the masses of Interpol agents in the country.
Maya: But why do Nick and Sawhit just randomly start screaming at each other?! I don’t get this, Nick!
Phoenix and Edgeworth: I wish we did, Maya…but we don’t.

"typical" said phoenix who somehow knew this as sahwit charged at him with the thinker.

Maya: NO! *stands up* You will NOT hurt anyone else with that thing! You are NOT making that a murder weapon for the third time!
Edgeworth: It’s OK, Maya. Xin Eohp will find a way out of this.
Maya: *sits down* ..Yeah, he will. Even if it is only in a fanfic. *sniff*
Phoenix: … (Wow….Author, be more careful when you’re talking about that thing. For her sake.)

Just then the steel samurai ringtone played and phoenix took out his crappy phone which everyone laughed at because it was old and phoenix felt quite sad and texted his mum about it but she ha d been killed by sahwit 20 years ago which just made things personal.

Maya and Edgeworth: YES! *stand up* The Steel Samurai strikes again!
Phoenix: *blushes* M-my phone is NOT crappy, Author! And my mother wasn’t killed by Sawhit….
Edgeworth: *sits down* What ever happened to your parents, Wright?
Phoenix: …
Maya: *sits down* It’s alright, Nick. You don’t have to tell us.

"wassup" he said

Phoenix: Wow, I’m surprisingly casual for a guy who was stopped at the brink of death by a phone call.

"yo you've just been chosen to be in the new marvel vs capcom game" said some random dude on the phone

Phoenix: Game? What game? And what’s Capcom?
Maya: I don’t know, Nick. Do you, Mr. Edgeworth?
Edgeworth: No idea in the slightest.

"bout f-ing time" said phoenix and threw his phone to the side like a badass to show sh-t was going down.

Phoenix: For the last time, I don’t swear! Jeez…
Edgeworth: And you wouldn’t be so careless as to throw your phone like that. What if it had broken, Wright?
Phoenix: You know, it might have stopped that event a few years ago where I got amnesia indirectly because someone had swapped my phone for theirs… Who knows?

The phone hit a crowd in the head and he got a concussion and went to hospital.

Edgeworth: What is with concussion today?! First me, then this innocent person! I feel his pain…

Some randomer was arrested and executed for it because phoenix wsa too busy fighting to defend him and the police are idiots (srsly guys they arres liek one wright person!111!11!)

Edgeworth: Author, you’re making me very mad now. The police are NOT stupid and, however absent-minded some people on the force may be, not all of them are like that. And you do not get the death penalty for giving someone a concussion on accident!
Phoenix: I would rather defend that guy than fight in a random ‘game‘, as well!
Maya: Hey, what’s with the unnecessary ones and the shortened version of ‘seriously’?
Phoenix: Do you really want to know why, based on what we’ve read up to now?
Maya: …Not really, Nick.

and the guy who was executed was called kristophklavier gavin sr! (plot point))

Phoenix: Um…I’ve heard of the Gavin brothers, but which one is the author talking about? Never heard of Kristophkavier Gavin Sr. And why does the author tell us if the sentence is a ‘plot point’?
Edgeworth: I don’t think we’ll ever know, Wright…
Maya: Darn. Author, this only goes to show the importance of correct grammar and spelling!
Edgeworth: You hit the nail on the head there, Maya. Hit it right on the head..

Phoenix levelled up and did a hyper combo (Wikipedia tol me about those :))))))))) and killed sahwit so the plice arrested some other random guy who wasn't a plot point but still dies but doesn't get a name.

Edgeworth: NEVER trust Wikipedia unless you are looking for very, very important facts, Author.
Maya: And everyone is as important as the other, so everyone deserves a name!
Phoenix: *takes off his badge* Ah, but the people who made these badges don’t think so. They put a number instead of-
Edgeworth and Maya: We’ve seen it.
Phoenix: Oh. Right. *puts badge back on*

"Looks like SAHWIT didn't SEE IT coming!" quipped phoenix and no one got it cause they dint know who he was so he just feltsilly.

Phoenix: At least SOMEONE got the pun when they met him. *glances at Edgeworth* Even in a fanfic such as this.
Edgeworth: W-well, of course I did! *crosses arms* It was just basic logic.
Phoenix: Any logical explanation on humour, Edgeworth?
Maya: *snicker*

He went and sold the urn to maya for $19.99 and then he found a $20 bill on the floor so he spent the $19.99 on a how to play piano book.

Maya: For your information, Author, that urn belongs to me anyway! Nick couldn’t have sold it to me!
Phoenix: Quite right! But anyway, why would I need to learn piano or want to, for that matter?
Maya: You never know, Nick! You might raise children when you’re older and need a source of income!
Phoenix: But I’m a lawyer, and I get paid for working as one. Remember?
Maya: Oh. Guess that’s never going to happen, then…

"just in case he foreshadowed meet de Killer" phoenix said looking like a cool dude...

Phoenix: I always look like a cool dude, Author. Thank you for making Xin Eohp that way, too.
Edgeworth: Ha! Really, Wright?
Phoenix: Really, Edgeworth.
Edgeworth: I look much cooler than you do. Admit it. *smirks*
Phoenix: I’m not admitting what isn’t true!
Edgeworth: Oh, but it is the truth. Isn’t it, Management?
Speakers: Sorry, Mr.Wright….but it kind of is.
Phoenix: At least I’ve won every one of my cases, and if I haven’t I’ve got the correct verdict for the circumstance!
Edgeworth: …Touché.
Maya: Um….guys?
Phoenix and Edgeworth: Yes, Maya?
Maya: Who’s going to drink all this bottled water? *glares* And no, you are not giving it all to me!

To be continued...

Will the trio be able to withstand the next two chapters? Will anyone ever drink the masses of bottled water? And, most importantly....what will they think of the final chapter?
Find out next time!

Author:  PhoenixFlame53 [ Thu Jul 11, 2013 6:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Thane wrote:
Holy crap where has this been all my life? This is so funny I'm actually scared to try it out myself due to the risk of looking boring in comparison.

Don't worry about looking boring! There are some really good sporkers on here that literally make me fall off my chair everytime, but every spork is appreciated! :edgy:
I bet people will love it, anyway. :phoenix:

Author:  Thane [ Thu Jul 11, 2013 7:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

PhoenixFlame53 wrote:
Thane wrote:
Holy crap where has this been all my life? This is so funny I'm actually scared to try it out myself due to the risk of looking boring in comparison.

Don't worry about looking boring! There are some really good sporkers on here that literally make me fall off my chair everytime, but every spork is appreciated! :edgy:
I bet people will love it, anyway. :phoenix:

Heh, I'd have to find some crappy fanfiction then...shouldn't be too hard I guess. I won't spork a troll fic though...I'd prefer to make fun of something that was trying to make sense, at least.

Maybe I'll give it a shot later when I have time.

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Fri Jul 12, 2013 11:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

*shyly sneaking in*
Uh, um, hey friendly sporkers! I, um... *slinks back into corner* I guess I couldn't stay away from this thread any longer, and I started reading up on what you did in the meantime while I was over in the Hetalia fandom, so uhm... I just want to say I'm really happy this thread is still alive, and I see that some wonderful things have been written and the spork universe has received a bit of its own continuity (In like how the main sporkers at this point don't seem to care anymore all that much, and how Kay continues to manipulate the theater equipment). I haven't read everything yet, but so far I really like what I see.
I just thought... you know, back in the day, we used to have special fanart for some of the sporks, and I think it might be nice to have it again? To give things a bit of color? It seems like the person who drew all that wonderful art back then doesn't read here anymore (?), and I'm not all that enthusiastic about drawing fanart, but maybe if I find something that seems easy enough to draw, I could give it a try once in a while, and maybe some others could do the same? I really did like the addional pictures in the old thread, it was a bit like a special trophy for really good scenes.
And also, even though I'm still kind of torn between my regained interest in Ace Attorney and my developed friendship with the Hetalia comms, I would sort of like to write sporks again that get read by people. It was fun back then, even if I screwed up a few times and was very ashamed about it later.
I would even be willing to have Edgeworth use that horrible translation error of a first name basis with Maya if it helps. Even though it still bugs me because I find it very out of character (if only my Japanese were better...).

So, um... would it be okay if I return to write sporks, even if I can't keep up with canon because I have no 3DS and have never played Apollo Justice or Investigations 2?

Author:  PhoenixFlame53 [ Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
*shyly sneaking in*
Uh, um, hey friendly sporkers! I, um... *slinks back into corner* I guess I couldn't stay away from this thread any longer, and I started reading up on what you did in the meantime while I was over in the Hetalia fandom, so uhm... I just want to say I'm really happy this thread is still alive, and I see that some wonderful things have been written and the spork universe has received a bit of its own continuity (In like how the main sporkers at this point don't seem to care anymore all that much, and how Kay continues to manipulate the theater equipment). I haven't read everything yet, but so far I really like what I see.
I just thought... you know, back in the day, we used to have special fanart for some of the sporks, and I think it might be nice to have it again? To give things a bit of color? It seems like the person who drew all that wonderful art back then doesn't read here anymore (?), and I'm not all that enthusiastic about drawing fanart, but maybe if I find something that seems easy enough to draw, I could give it a try once in a while, and maybe some others could do the same? I really did like the addional pictures in the old thread, it was a bit like a special trophy for really good scenes.
And also, even though I'm still kind of torn between my regained interest in Ace Attorney and my developed friendship with the Hetalia comms, I would sort of like to write sporks again that get read by people. It was fun back then, even if I screwed up a few times and was very ashamed about it later.
I would even be willing to have Edgeworth use that horrible translation error of a first name basis with Maya if it helps. Even though it still bugs me because I find it very out of character (if only my Japanese were better...).

So, um... would it be okay if I return to write sporks, even if I can't keep up with canon because I have no 3DS and have never played Apollo Justice or Investigations 2?

Of course! I'd love to see more sporkers join here! :edgy:
I bet everyone would love to see your sporks. :phoenix:
Also, about the fan-art thing....there is an AWESOME scene in a spork on this thread where, to keep Franziska from going mad at a terrible spork and whipping the screen to death, she is put in a sound-proof box thing for the rest of the spork. Someone should really draw it! XD

P.S Go Hetalia! I've just started watching it and it's AWESOME. :edgy:

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Okay, I think I've caught up with things now. I'm afraid I'm struggling with the fanart, so it might take a bit longer. :/
But I'm working on a spork right now. I hope nobody's sporked "Testimonies" yet (I checked and am pretty sure no one did, but I don't know what other sporkers are working on).

I think it's only fair to point it out when we see something that could have been done better in our sporks, as it helps us to improve. To me, that is a sign of respect and loyalty. So with that in mind, here are a few thoughts regarding shippersdreamer's spork (the one with the Harry Potter fic), if it's okay:

-I don't think Edgeworth should yoowwch. He's too composed, at least judging from the games in the Phoenix arc. (I know he was pretty much rewritten in his own games and might have been a bit whinier in them, so take this with a grain of salt.)

-"Favourite" is actually the correct British spelling. I think Franziska or Edgeworth would recognize it as such.

-There are a few minor misspellings and missing punctuation in the sporking part, which is a bit unfortunate when the sporkers themselves complain about the same kinds of errors (plus a missing word or two) in the fic itself. Also, "I'd also like to point out that who is the 'both'" and "I must point out that how is abuse NOT able to warrant a direct jail sentence" is bad grammar. I think you could benefit from having a beta reader.

Other than that, it was a great and very entertaining spork. Again, pointing out the few things that bugged me is not a sign that I disliked your spork. I screwed up a few things myself in mine, and some of them were really embarrassing. As a writer, I appreciate honest critique as it helps me get better at writing things. So I try to do the same for others.
That said, I love how you write the characters, especially Edgeworth (I always find his speech pattern hard to write).
And I'm happy to see that you gave Edgeworth a mental image instead of Phoenix, because this is fitting the spork that I'm working at right now. :D I love in-theater continuity. I hope we'll get to see more sporks from you. :)

@Phoenixflame: Another great one! Just your introduction of the sporkers felt so familiar and in-character, I was immediately in love with your writing style. I also love how the sporking theater gets upgraded bit by bit throughout the sporks. The snack booth was the first new thing I saw when I came back, and now the car park is another nice addition. I'm curious to see what the future has in stall for our sporkers (and the management). :D
And not only have our sporkers gotten used to sporking bad fics, but they voluntarily enter the theater. (I imagine Edgeworth driving them there is more a case of "If I have to see it, you're not missing any minute of it either", but that's just me.)
One little thing that seemed out of place was Maya not remembering who Kay was. But I guess Maya is oblivious enough to forget about her for a moment when she didn't expect her to come up. Oh, and Edgeworth should have seen Matt Engarde's hair/personality change because it also happened in the courtroom before he confessed. Also, I think Edgeworth is laughing a little bit too much at his own jokes (Maya I can see, though).
I hate that you came up with an idea I used in my sporking before reading yours, though. I guess I'll have to look like a copycat now. ^^
My favorite parts of your spork were probably these:

-Edgeworth: That’s the most likely thing, but it seems that I run into murderers a lot.

-The management reacting to Maya's request for free burgers

-Phoenix: Good luck to both of you.

-Edgeworth getting random things dropped on his head (I love a good running gag ^^)

-Edgeworth: I’m betting you have his number because one of you two wanted an ice-cream.

-Maya: Nick…I think the statute of limitations on your humour has run out.

One little thing that seems to get problematic with all of these fics is that they're all devided into several parts. It gets a bit chaotic when one spork has part 1 of fic A, then the next has part 5 of fic B, then the one after that has part 2 of fic C, then part 2 of fic A, andf so on. Maybe a few shorter fics, or several parts of the same one posted at the same time, would be a good idea.

Author:  Ceence [ Tue Jul 16, 2013 9:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hello! I just made an account, and I want to say that I absolutely love all the sporkings here! I've been reading them for a month or so, but I didn't have the courage to make an account :bellboy:
I'm thinking of making a sporking myself, but English is not my first language. Would that be a problem?

Author:  Ceence [ Tue Jul 16, 2013 9:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hello! I just made an account, and I want to say that I absolutely love all the sporkings here! I've been reading them for a month or so, but I didn't have the courage to make an account :bellboy:
I'm thinking of making a sporking myself, but English is not my first language. Would that be a problem?

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Welcome, Ceence!

I don't think it'll be a problem. I'm not a native speaker either, but I can proofread your spork for you before you post it if you want.
But it's probably best to read at least the first couple of sporks in the old thread and the most recent ones in this thread to make sure you get the in-theater continuity right, especially since some things are not matching official canon (such as Maya using the internet).

Author:  PhoenixFlame53 [ Wed Jul 17, 2013 7:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

@Phoenixflame: Another great one! Just your introduction of the sporkers felt so familiar and in-character, I was immediately in love with your writing style. I also love how the sporking theater gets upgraded bit by bit throughout the sporks. The snack booth was the first new thing I saw when I came back, and now the car park is another nice addition. I'm curious to see what the future has in stall for our sporkers (and the management). :D
And not only have our sporkers gotten used to sporking bad fics, but they voluntarily enter the theater. (I imagine Edgeworth driving them there is more a case of "If I have to see it, you're not missing any minute of it either", but that's just me.)
One little thing that seemed out of place was Maya not remembering who Kay was. But I guess Maya is oblivious enough to forget about her for a moment when she didn't expect her to come up. Oh, and Edgeworth should have seen Matt Engarde's hair/personality change because it also happened in the courtroom before he confessed. Also, I think Edgeworth is laughing a little bit too much at his own jokes (Maya I can see, though).
I hate that you came up with an idea I used in my sporking before reading yours, though. I guess I'll have to look like a copycat now. ^^
My favorite parts of your spork were probably these:

-Edgeworth: That’s the most likely thing, but it seems that I run into murderers a lot.

-The management reacting to Maya's request for free burgers

-Phoenix: Good luck to both of you.

-Edgeworth getting random things dropped on his head (I love a good running gag ^^)

-Edgeworth: I’m betting you have his number because one of you two wanted an ice-cream.

-Maya: Nick…I think the statute of limitations on your humour has run out.

Thank you! :edgy: I'm glad you liked it.
I agree on Edgeworth laughing at himself a bit too much, and I didn't realise the Engarde thing because I haven't played Farewell, My Turnabout in such a long time. (Thanks for reminding me, though! :phoenix:)
Oh, and I didn't realise that you had to count previous sporking experiences in the timeline, such as Maya meeting Kay in a different spork. Sorry about that!

Anyway, thank you again and I hope to read a spork of yours soon! (Or maybe see some spork art!) :pearl:

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Thu Jul 18, 2013 6:46 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Fic-Franziska is whiney, Maya is hungry, and the fic appears to get a lot worse before there is any end in sight. Will our sporkers survive, or will they claw each other's eyes out first?

Rating: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit:
Three sahwits. It's pretty bad, but at least it's relatively clean. Franziska is very out of character, the fic drags a bit (or a lot, depending on what you count as relevant content) and some things just don't make any sense.

Our sporkers today are...

Maya: Yeah yeah, we all know who we are. Get on with it!

Phoenix: What's with that hostility? You usually sort of enjoy these.

Maya: How can I enjoy myself when we're all out of snacks?

Speakers: Ah... *cough* the management apologizes for the lack of refreshments. We were temporarily unable to afford those... ahem.

Phoenix: (Suddenly the management reminds me a lot of Gumshoe...)

Edgeworth: Could it be that their ratings have decreased?

Maya: No way! How could anyone not want to tune in to lovable old me? I'm a real popularity magnet, I tell you!

Phoenix: Sure, Maya... *in Edgeworth's direction* Let's just not argue with her today.

Edgeworth: Agreed.

Author: Chase Ling Ziao
Inspired by the song Demons by Imagine Dragons: Was it murder or self-defense? She was found holding the body and the weapon had her prints. Only the victim's blood and her own were found on the scene. Miles Edgeworth enlists the help of back-on-the-scene Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright to defend the closest thing he has to family: Franziska von Karma. (use of LangZiska). R&R welcome.

DISCLAIMER: Capcom owns all these characters. I wrote the story. Thanks :)

Edgeworth: At this point it feels more as though the management owns "all these characters".

Phoenix: Are you still sulking over that manga they didn't let you finish?

Maya: What manga?

Phoenix: ... Give it back, Maya!

Maya: But Nick...
Personal Testimony: Miles Edgeworth (confidante and legal relative of defendant)

Edgeworth: Confidante. Noun. A female confidant. Learn to spell!
The hardest thing about their being together came every month.

It wasn't her lunatic mood swings, if you're asking. It's his lunacy.

Phoenix: Is... the author... talking... about what I think they are talking about?

Maya: The time of the month when we run out of ice cream and you're too lazy to restock the fridge?

Phoenix: I really, really hope they mean that.

Edgeworth: And I really, really wish you'd keep your unsettling ideas to yourself.
Let me finish, Wright. You know I don't make things up.

Phoenix: Uh... if you weren't talking about us, does that mean that "she"-

Edgeworth: Whatever you are about to say, I don't want to hear you say it!

Maya: What were you going to say?

Phoenix: Nothing, Maya. Nothing. (Not if I want to get home in one piece tonight...)
The way I understood it from Franziska, every month, he'd go into these, erm, fits. The way he grew aggressive, feral and the most wolf-like he'll ever be.

Edgeworth: Ugh! This author doesn't waste any time to get to the truly horrific parts of the story.

Phoenix: Who is this mysterious guy anyway?

Edgeworth: I know it! I know who he is! *grits his teeth*
And the way he grew fangs, and claws and fur. The way he hungered for flesh in the literal sense, and the way it scared Franziska into desperation.

Phoenix: Well, at least it's a slightly better theme than what it first sounded like.

Edgeworth: You just had to bring it up again, didn't you?

Phoenix: (He looks like he's also about to grow fangs and claws.)
She thought she could brave the "novelty" of her dear soldier-dragon. Apparently, Lang warned her often when they started going out. "What's another quirk?" she said, "You are still the apple of my eye, no matter how hairy you might get." She told me she thought it was a joke at first but she soon found out the truth.

Edgeworth: That. Is not. The truth! That is... nnnnnngh!

Phoenix: (If that's how he reacts to this, I'm just glad they didn't bring Franziska in today.) *sweats*

Maya: Come on, guys! Can't you enjoy a good horror movie? Fic? Whatever?

Phoenix: Maybe if I had some grape juice.
He soon gave up. He trusted Franziska and he knew her person. He trusted her fully but there was one thing he couldn't bring himself to tell her. It was the one shame he kept to the grave. No one knew until the very trial. And we have you to thank for that.

Phoenix: Me?

Edgeworth: Finally, a glimpse of sense in this atrocity!

Phoenix: Hey, I'm not that bad! ( I?)

They were going out for a few years now. Franziska, surprisingly, lived with him. She must love him dearly to do as much. Last I heard, they were going to officiate it. She promised him that she would take care of him, like the perfect lover should. And yet, Franziska found herself getting more and more strained whenever he changes under the full moon.

Maya: Then she should get a changing room for him.

Phoenix: (I can't even tell if she's serious.)
The only thing I know of in full detail is the incident of her first witnessing the transformation and the beast she discovered. She told me she had to hide out on the roof until morning that night.

Phoenix: (I... I don't dare to laugh.)

Maya: What's wrong with you, Nick? Don't just sit there making faces! Sporking is serious business!

Phoenix: Maya... would you like to switch seats with me?

Maya: Huh? Um, sure... Wait, what's wrong with Mr. Edgeworth?

Phoenix: Why don't you ask him? (I'm NOT switching back!!)
Earlier that evening, Lang was pestering her to tie him up and lock him in the cellar.
She was indignant that he would ask her of such a strange and demeaning request. As you could expect, she refused and she actually went to bed alone, telling him to go sleep on the couch until he decided to be sane again.
She then awoke to the sound of howling downstairs. She saw that Lang wasn't by her side and immediately recalled he was still downstairs. Fearing for his safety, she tells me that she got out of bed and looked for him.

Edgeworth: Yes, because if there is one person who really cannot handle a wild wolf, it must surely be agent Lang. Grrrrrrrrr!

Maya: *whispers* Nick, I think he's really angry.

Phoenix: You think?
She started to panic when she saw Lang's clothes ripped to shreds. But before she even began calling out his name, she found him. Rather, he found her. You can only imagine the state of shock she was in to come face to face with a humanoid-wolf creature.
She told me she was frozen in shock. The creature approached her rather menacingly.

Edgeworth: No! And here I thought he was going to approach her with flowers and ask her out for a romantic candlelight dinner!

Phoenix: (Looks like he's back in full snark mode.)
She slowly backed away, feeling the sweat trickle down her face.

Phoenix: How nice of you to include this detail in your testimony. I'm sure we all needed to hear that.

Edgeworth: You press worse statements than that on a daily basis.

Maya: Ooh, ZING! Better watch out there, Nick.
Honestly, I don't know anyone who could react calmly to such a supernatural encounter such as this. Then all of a sudden, she whipped the creature.

Edgeworth: Mmmh yes, because she sleeps with the whip, aimlessly wanders around carrying it, and then is completely taken by surprise when her arm mysteriously takes a swing with it. I see no reason to question this statement at all.

Maya: You seem to have calmed down, though. Are you feeling better?

Edgeworth: Not really. I am only slowly resigning myself to my fate. Or saving up my energy for a later occasion. I haven't quite decided yet.

Maya: This is all the management's fault! Because they didn't give us any snacks! *glares at speakers*
Oh? Well, she's always brought it everywhere. She's telling the truth about that, trust me. Last I saw Agent Lang, he had a bandage across his nose.

Phoenix: Just how big is his nose, exactly?

Edgeworth: Not all that big. The author probably confused the word band-aid with bandage.

Maya: Maybe he's just a drama llama.
Now, where were we? Out of impulse, she whipped the creature. It gave out a pained and an extremely loud howl.

Phoenix: Werewolves aren't as tough as they used to be, I guess.

Maya: Oh, I know! Werewolves these days! Always whining about their itty-bitty whip marks on their nose and scattering their dirty clothes everywhere! Well, in MY days-

Edgeworth: As much as I admire your acting skills, Maya, could you please refrain from reminding me of that person?
It was enough to snap her out of her frozen stupor and send her running upstairs. Naturally the creature gave chase. That's how she wound up on the roof for the entire evening. She tells me that she fell asleep to the sound of howling, growling, and clawing at the attic entrance.

Phoenix: How did she manage to sleep at all with a high fall waiting to happen under her feet and a clawing, growling werewolf in her back?

Edgeworth: I suppose she must have been completely exhausted by staying awake for the entirety of five minutes since she last slept.
When morning came to and the sun went up, she saw Lang on the balcony. He was lying there, curled up and looking exhausted. His clothes were gone so the first thing Franziska did was to carry him inside the bedroom, away from any nosy neighbours' eyes.
She checked him thoroughly and saw that he had some blood around his mouth. He also had a few bruises and scratches all over but what struck Franziska the most was the red mark across Agent Lang's face.

Edgeworth: Of course. Any reasonable person up to this point would have assumed he happened to survive and switch places with the creature by sheer coincidence. Ugh! This fic is giving me a headache.

Phoenix: I also wonder what kind of neighborhood this is, where you can be chased screamingly up the stairs by a howling werewolf in the middle of the night and nobody cares, but lying naked on the balcony is somehow a huge deal.

Maya: Don't forget the sleeping on the roof part!
He came to in a bit and immediately buried himself in Franziska's lap.

Phoenix: This sounds really unhealthy. Or dirty. Or both.

Maya: You always think of dirty things all the time when we're in here. What's up with that?

Phoenix: I think it's the trauma I've suffered from some of the early fics.
He held her tight and he was weeping. Slowly, Franziska pieced together what was going on.

This is what she told me. I know. It's hard to imagine but give the guy some slack. It was a traumatic night for both of them, I assume. Franziska asked him to verify what was really going on and Lang just said, "I told you so." and subsequently passed out.
It was a shock for her, really. I had to go through the brunt of the hysterics and the displaced whipping. After a few weeks, she got over it and faced it like herself, the wild mare that she is.

Maya: Now I'm getting dirty thoughts too, Nick! You rubbed off on me!

Phoenix: It has a nice ring to it, telling your audience about "displaced whipping" and then following it up with... with that.

Edgeworth: Calling people names in court... that's one of your habits, not one of mine.

Phoenix: Keep telling yourself that, Edgeworth.
However, every month, she tells me she's had to lock him up and chain him.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: ...

Maya: ...

Edgeworth: Nnnnnnnnnngh! You'll pay for this, Wright!

Maya: You're a bad influence to us, Nick!

Phoenix: I know,I know... sorry?

Edgeworth: Wipe that obnoxious grin off your face and start acting your age for a change!
She felt extremely foolish to do such a precaution but Lang convinced her otherwise. It was necessary, after all. It was for her sake, not just his.
Personally, I didn't notice much change in Franziska over the past few months. Perhaps she was looking more tired than usual, or even less energetic about whipping us and her subordinates at the prosecutor's office. As for Agent Lang, well, you know his type.

Phoenix: No, not really. I mean, sure, I've seen his appearances in other fics before, but if he was about as in-character in those as we were... you know?

Edgeworth: If you care for my opinion, his depiction in some crudely written fanfics will probably be more relevant to his role in this than his real personality will be.
Never one to lose face, that man. I understand he has profound trust in his subordinates and in other people he works with but this was a surprisingly personal matter when I first found out about it. Heck, I thought Franziska was joking as well. When I figured Franziska was with a lack of any such imagination herself, it dawned to me that it there had to be some truth in what she said.

Edgeworth: ...I don't have the energy to dissect this purple prose alphabet soup. Wright, as a sign of good will, do me a favor and correct this mess into proper English.

Phoenix: Um... I can try? Okay, so, there's a comma missing in the second sentence and the "surprisingly personal matter" doesn't make any sense to me. Also, I don't think I've ever heard you use a minced oath like "heck", and I'm not sure if "was with a lack of" is grammatically correct. And uh... it should be "it dawned on me", not "to me", and the "it" doesn't really belong in that little piece after that. ...How was that?

Edgeworth: I will give you points for your use of the term "minced oath". As for the rest, the execution was horrible.

Phoenix: Well, your motivation skills aren't all that great, either.
I had my suspicions about his behaviour in the last few months as when I noticed Franziska was less energetic than her usual self. Even if it was probably because Franziska had told me long before, I might've noticed a couple of things but there was nothing identifiably different about him. He was still arrogant, boisterous and actively quoting his ancestor like on any usual day I encounter him.

Edgeworth: Well, yes, this does sound like the agent Lang I know. However, I can't help but notice a trace of hostility towards him in the author's tone.

Maya: But he's half of a pairing. That wouldn't make any sense.

Phoenix: Maybe they just wanted to show the readers how much you hate him.

Edgeworth: Wright, if there were such a thing as a bloodthirsty werewolf creature and it came after Franziska, do you honestly think my biggest problem with that man would be his arrogance?

Phoenix: Are you asking me to explain this writer's screwed-up logic to you? I'm not getting payed for this.

Maya: Maybe you should. Then we could bring our own snacks and wouldn't be starving in here.

Phoenix: You're not letting this go any time soon, are you?

I honestly never expected something like this to come up. Not if Franziska's involved. It surprised me when she called two days ago and she was stuttering. Would you believe that? Franziska! Stuttering! I immediately rushed to their house and saw the mess on their front porch. There was a pool of blood around them. Agent Lang was dead. A knife was sticking out of his stomach. Franziska was holding him close to her and she was weeping. She too was covered in blood, as if from a struggle.

Phoenix: I'm surprised she could kill his werewolf form with an ordinary old knife to the stomach. Or did she just kill him in his human form? And where are the neighbors who were so likely to freak out over his naked alive body before? Do they just not care?
You may already know the report they sent in. That only Franziska's blood and Lang's blood were found throughout the entire house. The state that it was in, they were certain there was a struggle of some sort. In the cellar, they found its door was crumpled a heap off to the side. Inside, cuffs and chains and some pieces of the wall were strewn about. They couldn't make heads or tails of it but it was as though someone was being restrained but managed to escape. They also found traces of Lang's blood on some of the broken cuffs.

Phoenix: I'd love to hear what that report said. *grins*

Edgeworth: May I humbly request that the management provide us with a cure for Mr. Wright's foot-in-mouth disease?

Speakers: The management will make a sympathizing note of it.
Thanks to you, we now know it Franziska and Lang's attempts to solve the problem on their own.

*sigh* I'm sorry. That's all I can say with confidence. It would be best if you ask her for the full details. I mean, I may be her confidante

Edgeworth: Confidant.

Phoenix: This one really bugs you, huh?

Maya: You didn't even mention the misplaced "it" up there. Even I noticed it.

Edgeworth: If I commented on everything that is wrong with this fic, we'd be sitting here until Christmas.
but only really next to herself.

I'm sorry for not telling the whole story to you straightaway but I fear you may be misinformed if it came from me. I feel awful for Franziska. But understand this: only she can be strong for herself at this point on. I'm sure you understand.

Maya: Oh, come on! "At this point on"?

Phoenix: And why is he telling me this whole story if he thinks doing so will misinform me?
But.. please…take it easy on her. She is still…family to me.

Find the truth, Wright. Good luck.

Maya: Yes, find the truth, Nick! Go get it, Nick! Good boy!

Phoenix: You sound a liiittle bit too enthusiastic about this idea, Maya.
--part 2--
Defendant Testimony: Franziska von Karma
It's hilarious that you and I are in such a situation.
I seem to recall that you successfully defended my "little brother" in case not too unlike this, hmm?

Phoenix: Well, I'm glad she's having such a good time with this. Isn't getting arrested for murdering your boyfriend fun?

I knew about the so-called "secret". He didn't have to tell me because I already figured it out. I have been living with him these past few years, after all. I was the first to notice the changes.

The changes that weren't normal already, at least.

Phoenix: So what changes were "already normal" for him? Did he dress up as a different person every day? Did he dye his hair to match the seasons?
Honestly, Mr. Phoenix Wright, get with the program. You've defended me and yet you're as clueless as ever.

Phoenix: If I already defended her, then why didn't I talk to her about this before?

I'm sorry. I should be more agreeable, given my situation.

Thank you for defending me anyway, even if it's clear that I'm the culprit. I mean, congratulations on getting me off the murder charge but I still murdered him. Self-defense or not, I-I killed him…

It's alright. I cannot believe they allowed such a fool of a lawyer be the prosecutor at court today. Miles would've been a more formidable foe to match your wits and energy. Alas, he had to play witness.

Edgeworth: Indeed. Witness to this sloppily written fanfic.

Maya: Do you want me and Nick to switch places again? Maybe he could distract you better.

Edgeworth: I'm sure that he would, but I've had quite enough of his "distractions" for today.

Phoenix: Hey! I can talk about normal things, too. Like um... uh, give me something to start on.

Yes, I'm sorry for getting side-tracked. I … it is admittedly bothersome… to talk about it. Yes, yes. I know I must explain everything though but forgive me. I *choke* I'm having some…difficulty speaking when I try to remember it, when I remember him.

Phoenix: He must have had a serious problem with his personal hygiene if just the thought of him makes her choke like that.

Maya: She tries to remember him when she remembers him? That's like trying to channel a spirit while you're already channeling it.

Phoenix: Wouldn't that be the spirit trying to channel itself in that case?

Maya: Don't be silly, Nick! Why would anybody do that?

Phoenix: (You were the one who started it...)

Shi-Long Lang…I mean, Agent Lang. We were very close. We grew *ahem* closer together in these couple of years.

Phoenix: Yes, especially when he "buried himself in her lap".

Maya: You're doing it again!

Phoenix: What? Am I not allowed to quote the fic itself now?

Maya: Not when you already gave us images with it. You're corrupting my innocent mind!

Phoenix: If you still have an innocent mind after everything we've seen in this theater, I don't think there is anything I could say to corrupt it, Maya.

Maya: But... at least I had snacks to save me. This time, I don't have anything. Not even Kay...

You could say I found a part of myself I never knew existed until when we were together. It is foolhardy, I admit it, but it felt perfect. Simply perfect. And now it's just foolishly foolish sadness that I'm feeling. All this grief is absolutely foolish. How can typically sentimental foolish fools foolishly stand it for this long?


Phoenix: Did Franziska just say "*cry*"? With asteriscs and all?

Edgeworth: I recall a certain person in this very room doing something like that before.

Phoenix: Well, that was a spork. It doesn't really count. And you already scolded me about it.
He told me-he told me he never wanted this to happen. He warned me it was going to get worse and it did but-but he wished and he wanted for the worst not to happen until much much later in our lives.

Phoenix: So wait, he actually wanted this to happen? Just not at that time? Was he waiting for the right mood or something?

Maya: I guess he was hoping that on a hot summer night, she would offer her throat to the wolf with the red roses.

Phoenix: ...Did you listen to the oldie station again?
In the end, it was inevitable. No matter what we did, it kept coming back every full moon.
I tried to tame it but where do you begin handling a werewolf? It seemed all my methods, logical and, dare I say it, "mystical" were of no avail. I even took his advice on how his ancestors managed their beasts. His transformed self was too much. The precaution we agreed on was *ulp* chaining him up and locking the cellar door. It hurt every time I had to do that. It felt unworthy of his person. He didn't deserve something like this. No one does.

I felt like I didn't deserve him.

Phoenix: And why are all my responses just dot-dot-dot?

Edgeworth: I can picture it. You just standing there listening and letting your face speak for itself.

Phoenix: I think nobody would keep a straight face listening to this.
...! I'm s-sorry. You are correct. It's not about whether we deserved each other. I was…afraid. I was very afraid. Every transformation, I could not get used to it. He would scream a painful scream. It melted into a howl later on but I could hear it. I could hear something ripping and it was loud and persistent. I gathered my courage to take a peek during one of those instances and I saw the most gruesome thing.

Phoenix: You know, this fic could be a lot better if you pretend that all of my dot-dot-dots sound like the teacher's voice in Peanuts.

Edgeworth: Hm. That might actually be the best idea you had so far. Let's try it.
I saw that *sniff* I saw that his *sniff* his transformation needed his human shell be torn off to release the wolf within.

Maya: Then what, does he just staple it back together when he wants to transform back?
I then understood the painful howls. I then understood the wild behaviour. I understood the aggression of every transformation. I-I wanted to soothe him of that but I was too afraid. All the methods I've tried to tame his werewolf form didn't do much. All it did was agitate him more. It was simply awful. All the foolishness I had to go through to learn about those so-called "cures" and "remedies." Nothing but baseless fairy tales!
There was nothing for Lang. Nothing…I had to put up with his transformations even if I wanted to so badly to help him.

Edgeworth: Heh. You were right. It does improve things.

Phoenix: See? I can be useful, too.

Maya: That's a good Nick. Goooood Nick!

Phoenix: Stop it with the dog talk already.
When the evenings ended, he transformed back. Thrashing and howling during the night took a lot of his energy. By morning, he was very tired. His transformation back into a human was calmer, so I've witnessed. His hair recedes back into his skin.

Phoenix: Then what did he do with the "human shell" he tore off earlier?

Maya: Maybe he ate it.

Phoenix: Wouldn't that count as eating yourself? And wouldn't that create an error in the Matrix?
His body is covered in bruises and his muscles are battered. He would sleep for an entire day just to recover from the nights he transforms. I hated what those chains did to him, even if it was necessary.
Keeping him locked up also prevented him from causing more "incidents" around the city.

The only time such an incident occurred was the first night he transformed.
That night he first transformed with me around, I noticed some blood around his mouth.

Phoenix: I can see how it would have gotten there in his wolf form, but wouldn't he want to wipe that off once he's changed back? And wash his mouth? And probably shower? I mean, eww.

Edgeworth: You're still trying to apply the rules of normal human intelligence to these characters.
He told me later that in his werewolf state, he could not help but go and hunt for wolf-type prey. It takes whatever mental capacity he has left in his wolf form to avoid preying on humans, including myself that first night. He could not, however, help himself when he saw smaller animals. Pigeons, seagulls, small dogs and cats, rabbits and farm animals have been victims in the past by some of his clan members.

Phoenix: Pigeons, okay, but seagulls? When was the last time you saw one of those around here? And wouldn't catching them be way too much effort for that little bit of meat? I mean, to a werewolf, they can't be more than a light snack. They would lose more calories hunting for seagulls than they would gain from eating them.

Maya: Maybe the werewolves were all on Weight Watchers. And seagulls are their celery.

Edgeworth: That is an urban myth, actually. There is no such thing as negative calories.
That night, however, only two households found their precious pooches were missing. I tended to his wounds and bruises but I went to see Miles Edgeworth to help me get my thoughts straight. I left him a note though, saying where I was and that I'd be back soon.

Phoenix: Wait, so who is this "him" she left the note for? Lang or Edgeworth?
When I returned to our home later on – and you'll probably think me foolish for this – I stood as still as ice. I was in a daze because before me, I saw the usual arrogant smirk and his relaxed but piercing eyes looking right at me.

Phoenix: I see. It was Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: ...Maya, would you kindly?

Maya: Sure, Mr. Edgeworth. Bad Nick! Baaaad Nick! *whacks Phoenix with the script*

Phoenix: Oww! Stop teaming up against me!
It was almost like a dream, like last night never happened. I remember it well. He wore a bathrobe and pyjamas but my eyes suddenly found the dark ring around his neck and bruises all over his chest. At that point, I was unsure if I should faint or run to him.

Edgeworth: Fainting isn't exactly something one does on purpose.

Phoenix: Maybe she would have whipped herself unconscious for some reason. I wouldn't mind seeing that.
And just as suddenly, I found myself looking at the floor and then blacking out. He told me later that he caught me before I fell face-first into the pavement.
*blush* S-Stop it! Wipe that grin off your face! I-I told you it was foolish!

You're lucky this glass window is preventing my whip from reaching you.

Phoenix: Maybe she should borrow your newly founded punishment delivery service.

Maya: Hey, good idea! How much do you think I could charge for that?

Phoenix: It was a joke, Maya!
Not to mention that my whip is still confiscated for the time being.

Well, after that incident, that was when he and I began our attempts to control his beast. Of course, we could only try our methods every full moon. After about a year of trying and a total of 18 full moons to work with, we decided the best way was precaution.

Maya: How did they cram in 18 full moons in only "about a year"?

Edgeworth: Easily. They simply didn't try for six months.

Maya: Ah! You're so smart, Mr. Edgeworth.

Phoenix: You're supposed to be my assistant, remember? And you're starting to sound a lot like Ema.

Maya: At least Ema had snacks.
It didn't do anything to help his transformations though. The howls of pain were still there. The ripping of flesh was still there. Everything gruesome about transforming was still there. We considered once to let him loose into the Los Angeles mountain area but I feared that it might take longer for me to find him afterwards. We considered moving to some cabin near there but I wasn't about to give up my career as a prosecutor in the city.

Edgeworth: Of course. Because as we all know, we work solely at home and never set a foot outside. It's not like we have offices or something as fancy as that.
Not to mention, it would sorely affect his career as an Interpol agent as well if we were to settle down somewhere remote.

Phoenix: And his transformations and killing sprees don't affect it?

Oh? Well, every month, he returns to Zheng Fa specifically for that purpose. He has requested that every month, he be allowed three consecutive days off. It was less than what most agents and officials have in their contracts as vacation time but Lang lives for his career, as do you and I.

Edgeworth: I'm not going to go there, but the last time I talked to her about it, Franziska did not think of you as a man who devoted his life to his career.

Phoenix: Hey, I'm trying! And speaking of which, have a look at this!

Maya: Yes, we all know how much you love your badge, Nick.

I-I was afraid of him but I…cared about him. I feared him and feared for him. And you know what finally happened, correct? You know why I am here.
Recently, his transformations were becoming more serious. What usually took one day for him to recover recently took three days, and then four days, and then an entire week. On days of a predicted full moon, it began happening the moment the sun went down instead of when the moon was shining brightly in the middle of the sky. It was happening much faster as well. His howls of pain were more intense. It must've been more excruciating for it to happen so quickly. On that last day -*croak*

Phoenix: ...Franziska suddenly turned into a frog.

Maya: Just think about the poor guy who ends up kissing her, only to see the frog turn into an angry prosecutor.

Phoenix: But then the guy is actually Larry, so it all works out.

Maya: But then he finds the bloody chains in the cellar and... hm. How would he react to that?

Phoenix: Probably by turning his fantasies into a new "romantic novel". *shudders*

Edgeworth: So he bluntly asks her to model for it and she puts him out of his misery forever. The end.

Thank you for your concern but I know I must move on from this.
On that day, we had an argument. I told him that if I couldn't be there for him then at least I would be like him. He was quick to anger and told me that was the stupidest idea he's ever heard. I tried to talk him into letting me become like him as well, just so he wouldn't be alone in all of it.

Edgeworth: It looks like we've just crossed over into the Twilight zone.

Phoenix: (I wonder how long it'll take us to reach the 50 Shades of Gray zone.)
I was the perfect lover. I wanted to do so much more for him. I knew I could do so much more for him.

That night, the last night, is where I got this bandaged leg from.

Phoenix: "I had no idea what to do with it, really, but nobody came to claim it, so I had it bronzed and put it up next to the singing fish."
Obviously, you can't see it. Do you think I'm the type of woman going around showing my legs off to any Tom or Harry?

Phoenix: Uhm, that would be a "yes". Those pantyhose don't really cover anything from view. Unless she meant her bronzed leg collection at home, but I don't think I'd travel to see those.
Foolish questions from a foolishly foolish fool should merit a good strike from my leathery friend.

Phoenix: You've got to feel sorry for her if she's lonely enough to consider the whip her friend.

Maya: Who says she's talking about her whip? Maybe she has another monster hidden somewhere in the attic.

Edgeworth: Which brings us back to the undisposed-of remains of agent Lang's "human shell". At last, the riddle is solved. *truth bar refills*
Alas, we are separated at the moment so that comment I'll have to let slide, Mr. Phoenix Wright. Consider yourself lucky.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. *choke* I'm sorry. This-this… I still cannot get used to this. *deep breaths*

--Franziska continues whining about the suffering of poor wittle Lang--

(...)It was nearly time for bed when I began by saying how it must've been difficult to go through transformations every month. Then I led up to my argument by saying that it was probably better if I was just like him.

Phoenix: Oh good, because it was so original and exciting the first time. Let's watch it again and again and again.
He looked at me very strangely. I could tell there was an underlying hostility behind his expression. In retrospect, my suggestion did sound foolish, even for me.

Phoenix: Well, at least she admits it.
Despite that, I wholeheartedly made myself clear: I was ready to become a werewolf like he was.

Phoenix: And she STILL goes on with it! Aaaaargh! *burries his face in his hands* I don't want to see any more.

Maya: Hey, don't give up! At least it's not you in this fic.

Phoenix: No, but it's stupid. It's so, so stupid! I feel like it's sucking my brain out through a straw.

Edgeworth: Get a grip on yourself! We're not even halfway through.

Phoenix: ... I'll be down here if you need me. *crouches down in front of his chair with his back turned towards the screen and his face hidden in his arms*
He got extremely angry and made an aggravated noise. He then asked why I'd even bother and he went on to say how I knew nothing. I also got frustrated and voiced out how selfish he was for keeping the illness to himself. I tried to appeal to him by stating why I had wanted to become wolf.

Maya: Look, she's transforming. She's already starting to forget how to use her articles.

Phoenix: *muffled noises of distress*

Maya: You know, I'm surprised the management lets you get away with this. What if we all went on strike like that?

Edgeworth: Let's not. I'm sure they're thinking of a new way to punish us as we speak.
He wouldn't hear any of it. He brushed me off and just reminded me to lock the chains and lock the cellar door. Out of frustration, I felt a little selfish myself. I delayed a bit. I didn't answer his calls for me when he was downstairs, readying himself in the safe room.

You might think it was stupid of me but I had it all planned out.

Maya: "...and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that pesky werewolf!"
I knew how quickly I could lock him up but I waited at the last minute, just to show him that he needed me as much as I needed him.
Just before night fell, around 5:00pm, I finally went downstairs to lock him up. I found him already in the cellar room, right in position and placing the chains and cuffs on himself. He looked at me with a sorrowful expression but he just as quickly turned away and replaced it with a stone face.

Maya: And now he's a gargoyle. Or a troll. Probably a troll.

Edgeworth: He wouldn't be the first one we encountered.
I couldn't help but feel worried for him as well. The time was drawing near, it was almost night fall. I used the keys to lock his cuffs and chains. As I was doing so, I attempted to apologize for my words. At first I thought it fell on deaf ears. He wasn't responding to me at the time. I held his face

Maya: Good, she can put it in the attic with the rest of his leathery remains. Or hang it on the wall to complement her leg collection.
and made him turn to face me. I wanted to look into his eyes and get it straight that he didn't have to be alone in this.
Had I known it would be the last time I would hold his face like that, I'd have probably said something more endearing. I searched his eyes for what felt like an eternity. He looked at me as well but I couldn't read what he was thinking.

Edgeworth: Never think you think, as when you think you think, you don't think, you only think you think.

Phoenix: *muffled voice* Stop trying to impress her, Edgeworth! You're hurting my brain.

Edgeworth: I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm afraid I can't hear you from up here.

Phoenix: *muffled voice* Just ignore me.

Maya: Are you going to sit like that through the rest of the fic?

Phoenix: *muffled voice* Yes.

Maya: Well, okay. Maybe we can find some other use for you. *rests her legs on his shoulders* Ahh yes, this is much better.

Phoenix: *muffled grumbling*
He suddenly said, "I'm sorry." and then turned away from my gaze. I felt something wet touch the hand on his face.

Maya: I guess humans can lick, too. Right, Nick?

Phoenix: *muffled groan*
It made me well up a bit too. I wanted to tell him that he was important to me, that I wanted to be beside him for as long as I lived. As I opened my mouth, his entire body began shaking violently. His eyes shut tight and he was gritting his teeth.

Maya: Wow, he must really hate her voice. Or her breath.

Edgeworth: Don't let her hear that if you treasure your life.

Maya: You won't tell on me, will you? *makes puppy-dog eyes*

Edgeworth: I see no reason to bring it up.
It was beginning and I was in a dangerous proximity to him. He mustered enough strength to tell me to leave immediately. I realized that I forgot to lock up the chain around his neck. I did my best to lock it up but I fumbled with the key and it got knocked out of my hand.

Maya: And that's why we don't buy the cheapest of the cheap werewolf collars, kids. Always pick the ones that close with pressure, not with a key.

Edgeworth: Although I would advise you not to keep a werewolf in your cellar to begin with. Assuming that werewolves were real, that is.
He was thrashing wildly. The sound of ripping flesh, the sound of his pained grunts and wails filled the room. The familiar fear was taking a hold of me.

I tried to find the key but my tears and the panic were competing for my attention. I couldn't find it in time when I heard more of his flesh begin to rip apart, to be replaced by bristly fur. His eyes shot open

Edgeworth: Why were they closed before? Was his transformation boring him so much that he fell asleep?

Maya: And how did she see his eyes open when she was searching for the key? Was the key stuck in his eye?
and I saw bright yellow ones take their place for the last time. It pierced through me and held me in some sort of foolish stupor until he lunged at me and knocked me to the ground. Then everything snapped into place and I was suddenly aware of where I was: in front of a snarling werewolf with no form of protection.

Edgeworth: It was only his neck chain that was unlocked. If all the other chains do nothing to restrain him, then why did she waste so much time locking them?

Phoenix: She's still fidgeting with his chains? How much longer does this fic go on?

Edgeworth: Why don't you sit up and see for yourself?

Phoenix: *sigh* ...Alright. Maya, let me get up.

Maya: Aw, but you're such a nice foot stool.

[Maya takes her legs off Phoenix's back and he returns to his seat to watch the rest of the fic.]
I scrambled to get out of the room and immediately locked the door behind me.

Phoenix: If the chains on his body didn't hold him back, what are the chances that a simple door lock will?

Maya: Exactly! She should at least have put a chair under the door handle.

Phoenix: Somehow I doubt that would help.

Maya: ...I wonder if there's something you can repel werewolves with. Does garlic work on them? Or a stake to the heart?

Edgeworth: I believe it was silver bullets.

Phoenix: I guess you don't have many of those just lying around in your average household.

Maya: Well, that proves it, then. She should have picked a vampire.
I let go of the fact that I forgot to lock his head in place but it was risky to go back and fix that mistake. I just prayed the door was fortified enough in case he broke loose.

Edgeworth: This implies that he is, in fact, still chained up. If that is the case, why did the chains not protect her from him?

Maya: The chains were probably too long. You know, like a dog leash. So he can move around... and, uh, strangle himself, I guess.

Phoenix: With his neck being chained up, how did he ever chase anything? Did the seagulls just fly into his open mouth?
I calmed down a bit while I heard the thrashing and the howling persist. It felt like hours had passed and that thrashing and banging and howling continued. And then all at once it stopped. I thought it odd. I usually go ahead to our bedroom and stay there for the entire evening after locking up Lang but I peered through the small window to check up on him.

Edgeworth: I can believe Franziska being tempted to take a peek. But to have a window installed in her cellar for the sole purpose of watching his transformations really stretches it.

Maya: Maybe it was a shop window. Oh, I know! Maybe her cellar used to be a pet shop. That would explain the seagulls, too.

Phoenix: I don't think they sell seagulls at the pet shop, Maya.

Maya: Well, of course they don't. Because Lang has eaten them all.
I was met by those bright yellow eyes looking straight at me. It was then I realized that the wolf and I were separated only by the door I had just locked.

No, no. It's no problem. I-I- *cringe* I can do this, alright? *ahem*

I slowly backed up and ran straight for the bed room.

Phoenix: She finds that a door is the only thing separating them, and her first instinct is to run to the bedroom? If that doesn't cry "Darwin award", I don't know what does.
The thrashing grew even louder until I was halfway up the stairs. I then heard the door break into a million splinters. I didn't turn around anymore. I kept on going up the stairs.

Maya: So now she's not even running anymore, she's just going.

Phoenix: Leading the way to the bedroom.

Edgeworth: *sighs* I see you're heading in the usual direction again.

Phoenix: I only repeated what it said in the fic.

Edgeworth: You have this unpleasant talent of putting an entirely different meaning into other people's words by "only repeating" them.

Phoenix: Okay, I'll try to tone it down again.
I knew what I had to do. He and I planned it when it came to something like this but I never imagined that this emergency would ever come up.
I-I ran as fast as I could to our bedroom.

Phoenix: The fic isn't making it any less obvious, though.

Maya: The bedroom is probably just the room with the largest window. Or the easiest access to the roof. She only wants to escape.

Phoenix: Of course. That must be why she ran straight by the exit. After all, if he follows her onto the roof, she'll have a much better chance to outrun him and make it to safety.

Maya: Yes. See? It all makes sense.
It was there in the closet, he told me before. There he kept the important object that would stop Lang if ever he got too dangerous.

Phoenix: Okay, now it makes slightly more sense. I still think it would be a better idea to save herself.
I only saw it once before and saw it was an ornate wolf-head figurine with a dragon's head on the other side.

Edgeworth: I don't claim to be an expert on cryptozoology-

Maya: Crypt-o-zoo-what?

Edgeworth: ...Supernatural animal science.

Maya: Oh, right. Crippled zoochology.

Edgeworth: *cringes slightly* ...Either way, I'm not an expert, but I don't believe for a second that this... totem ornament or whatever it is has any effects on werewolves.

Phoenix: I think you're wrong, Edgeworth. Look closer. Can you see the words "plot device" written all over it?
Lang said it was made of a precious metal that would tame the beast permanently.

Edgeworth: I see where this is going, but if that's how he phrased it, why has she not used it at the first chance in an attempt to cure him?

Maya: Because then the fic would have been over after ten sentences.
This, he said, was a last resort, especially when he had gotten loose again or had attacked me.

Edgeworth: I'm asking again: Why didn't she use it the first time he escaped if he specifically instructed her to do so?

Phoenix: Has she ever done anything she was told to do?

Edgeworth: She would if her life depended on it.

Phoenix: Okay, but even if she had wanted to, how exactly would she use a two-headed animal figurine? Hit him on the nose with it until he gives up? Her whip would do a much better job at that.
He said it was absolutely important that I use this to tame his beast when the need arise. I never got a good look at the object until that night.
It was also then that I learned what Lang really meant.
I quickly grabbed the box before the werewolf - *gulp*, before he – could reach me. With the box in my possession, I attempted to run towards the roof deck, to my hiding place all those years ago. But I found myself trapped.

Phoenix: Such a twist. You think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to run upstairs?
The wolf had caught up to me and I was practically trapped.

Phoenix: Uhm, yes, she just said that.

Maya: But this time she pointed out that it was because of the werewolf. See, at first you could have thought it was Santa Claus or a giant bolder.
Those hungry yellow eyes looked down on me from the shadowy figure of a towering were-wolf.

Edgeworth: And just to make sure every last reader gets the picture, there was a werewolf blocking her way.

Maya: And she was trapped.

Phoenix: By a werewolf.
It was even licking its lips and breathing heavily. He said I shouldn't show fear when the beast looked at me like that. He said I should be strong and keep one step ahead of the wolf's animal instincts. Remembering Lang gave me enough courage to try and escape the beast.

Maya: I wonder what kind of beast it is. The author hasn't pointed it out for almost five seconds.
I moved slowly, preparing myself for my escape. I waited until he pounced forward and then I dived under him and scrambled to get away.
Adrenaline was rushing through me. I felt that everything was so clear that instant. I even had time to try and slow down the wolf by closing the bedroom door and blocking the hallway I took by throwing down any furniture I passed by.

Phoenix: I still don't think that's going to work. Unless she throws a solid wood desk or closet or something like that, and I don't think she could do that.

Edgeword: Then again, if a misshapen metal totem can kill him, why not a flower vase? Or a pencil?

Maya: At least she obstacles will keep him fit, so he won't have to worry about the calories if he eats her.
I was not without any scratches, however. The wolf managed to tear a bit of my night wear and claw the back of my right thigh.

Maya: And that's why we don't waste time throwing furniture while running for our lives, kids.

Phoenix: I think I see potential for a new show here. Fanfic PSA hour with Maya. How about it?

Speakers: The management would like to thank you for your suggestion, but you're not off the hook yet.

Phoenix: It was worth a try.
Looking at how deep a wound it was, I'm amazed I managed to run away like I did. I climbed up to the roof and threw out the attic ladder from where I sat.
That was when the adrenaline began to subside and the pain in my leg started to throb painfully.

Edgeworth: The redundancy of this last sentence is redundant.

Maya: This author really likes writing the same thing twice. Franziska trying to remember when she remembers, being trapped by the werewolf while being trapped by the werewolf, painful pain...

It's alright. I can continue. I just needed to take a breather to collect my thoughts. There is no need to worry.
I tried to take my mind off the pain by inspecting the last resort I had. I fiddled a bit with it, figuring out how to possibly tame the beast that was after me.

Why? I believe the forensics team and the paramedics should answer your question. The only blood they found around our house was mine and his. Apparently when Lang lunged forward at me, I had gotten my head injured and was bleeding a bit.

Edgeworth: If these two events are to be related in any way, you should use a consistent tense, author. The way this is written implies that Franziska injured her head off screen and is only noticing this now as he attacks her.

Phoenix: Well, she did run around pretty aimlessly. She probably ran into a wall or dropped a lamp on her head while she was trying to throw it.
From what I've researched, once a werewolf tastes fresh blood, its target is locked and it will pursue its prey until the werewolf captures it. My bleeding thigh also left a trail for him to track me to the roof.

Phoenix: He didn't need her blood for that. The track of scattered and broken furniture would probably have clued him in.

I discovered that the figurine concealed a blade. It was an ornately carved blade as well. Under the light of the moon, I couldn't really tell what the metal was but it was well-taken care of, seeing how it shined.

Edgeworth: So it's a silver blade? Hm... fine, I'll accept it. If it's long and sharp enough, it could deal some damage to a werewolf, even though it would be far less effective than a silver bullet.

Phoenix: But it's still a melee weapon. Designed to fight something with superhuman strength, superhuman speed and superhuman claws and fangs. Just the fact that it exists sounds like a really stupid idea.
After a deep breath, I realized what Lang meant. He was saying there was only one way out of this for both of us.
Truth be told, I was scared. I feared for what would happen to me, what would happen to him, and what would happen after it was done. I remember crying out in frustration.

Maya: And still not a single neighbor cares. Do they just live in a neighborhood full of werewolves so screams and chase scenes are normal to them?

Phoenix: I wouldn't want to get invited to a barbecue party in that neighborhood.
I remember feeling so helpless and weak. I thought long and hard about my choices. And then I found myself falling asleep to the sound of vicious scratching and growling.

Phoenix: Nope. Doesn't make any more sense now than it did before.
I knew I was safe. He couldn't get up the roof the last time, so I knew it was no problem.

Phoenix: Why couldn't he get up the roof? Was it made of silver? *rubs his eyes* Oh god, this fic is stupid!

Maya: And we still don't have snacks! I'm getting kinda hungry...

Speakers: Please be patient. We will grant you a break at the end of this chapter.

Maya: Oh, good. It's almost time for lunch.

Phoenix: It's always "time for lunch" for you, Maya.

Edgeworth: There seems to be only one more page left in this chapter. Hopefully it won't take too long.
I was awoken by the early rays of morning. Then I remembered that Lang may have returned to his human form. I peered down through the attic to see what became of him and what I saw killed me inside.

Edgeworth: Is she sitting on the roof, or in the attic? If it's the roof, she should not be able to see through the attic. If she's in the attic, his inability to climb the roof is completely irrelevant.

Maya: Maybe the roof is just really old and full of holes. She should get it fixed, or it'll rain into the attic and all her leather friends will get moldy.
There was nothing else. There was nothing left. There was nothing I could do but that one thing.

Edgeworth: That won't solve anything. She would be much better advised to use the weapon against him, assuming she didn't drop it in her sleep.

*breathes* I-I'm sorry. This is- this is- Oh! *sob*

Phoenix: My thoughts exactly.

I'm sure *sob* you know what happened next. I ki-ki-killed Lang.

Maya: That doesn't sound like a stutter. That sounds like she wants to make the word sound cool. Or maybe she killed him three times.
After using the part of my night wear to bandage my thigh,

Phoenix: Which part of her night wear? One part was torn off, so I don't think that's it. Did she use the entire remaining part? Is she sitting on the roof naked?

Maya: Can't be. Her neighbors have a problem with naked bodies, remember?

Phoenix: Okay, then is she sitting naked in the attic?

Edgeworth: Let's just pretend one part was almost, but not quite torn off, and she used that.
I came down from the roof and onto the balcony.

Phoenix: So she was on the roof. The silver roof. With the peepholes in it. On her house with the window in the cellar.

Maya: That must be one weird-looking house.
I stood there, waiting for the wolf to notice me.

Maya: Wouldn't it be safer to kill him while he's not looking?

Edgeworth: That would obviously make too much sense, Maya.

Maya: Oh. You're right.
I readied my hand steady, aimed at his visceral region. As I suspected, he turned his attention to me rather quickly. He growled as he rushed toward me, bounding effortlessly.

Edgeworth: ...And to truly drive home the seriousness of this scene, agent Lang is now apparently a rubber ball.

Maya: Haha. I bet he makes squeaky noises, too.
For a brief moment, I saw how beautiful his beast was, jumping out at me in the morning sun. And just as quickly, I killed the beast.
Phoenix: Well, that was a brief moment of appreciation. It felt kind of anticlimactic.
He loped toward me, teeth bared and aimed for my neck. For once, I was grateful to be of a petite stature.

Phoenix: Right, because I'm sure all the other time, she wants to be really fat and twenty feet tall. Also, having a "petite stature" is such a great advantage when fighting someone who, again, has superhuman strength, speed, claws and fangs.
I met him head on and tackled him. I made sure the knife hilt was the only thing sticking out of the beast's visceral region. The rest of my strength went to holding onto his abdomen and attempting to counter his push.
As it turns out, he was more massive than I

Phoenix: No! Really?
and so his momentum sent us both falling over the balcony. I held onto his midsection as tight as I could.

Phoenix: You know, I think she can let go of him now that she got the knife in. I mean, she isn't making any attempt to pull it out, this was clearly all she wanted to do, so what is she still doing there?

Maya: Maybe she's hoping that she will have a soft landing if he falls on top of him.

Edgeworth: Or a particularly painful one if he falls on top of her.

Maya: Oh. I didn't think of that.
His wolf body was searing hot but I held on anyway.

Edgeworth: Now he... what is it he's doing now? Melting? Sporting a fever? Spontaneously combusting?
I closed my eyes and let us fall. I heard the impact of our bodies as it met the ground.

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure she should feel it and not just hear it. Unless she turned into a zombie... or fell asleep again while they crashed into the pavement.
Soon enough, the furry sensation in my face from a while ago disappeared and I felt I was in contact with extremely warm skin. I opened my eyes and saw I was on top of a human Lang. I saw the last of the fur disappear like steam from his skin. I saw the knife stuck in his stomach. I then tried to see if he still responded. Nothing.

As if the knife in his stomach wasn't enough, he also broke my fall at his expense!

Edgeworth: I don't think that was part of the problem. The fall, yes. Being fried in mid-air without explanation, definitely. Franziska's weight minimally adding to the impact? I doubt it.
I stayed there, crying for a while. I called up Miles and he rushed over. Then I went back to Lang's body. I cradled him, caressing his hair and his face. I placed my hand by his neck, holding him as tenderly as I could until he grew cold.

Phoenix: Must have taken a while after he boiled up like that.

That fall, at least, I think it gave him an instantaneous death. So he and I – so that we wouldn't have to suffer for very long, but damn that arrogant oaf, still saving me after I literally stabbed him.

And that is what *sniff* happened. Of course, you figured it all out in court. Congratulations.

Phoenix: I already kew all this? Then why is she telling me about it? This fic could have been so much shorter! And how did I convince the judde that the victim was a werewolf? Hello? Any explanation?

Maya: I guess the author didn't want to write the real scene, because that would have been too interesting. We can't have that.

I was cleaned up and then brought here afterwards. They found my prints on the murder weapon and my blood mixed in with Lang's. I was fixed up and then taken into custody.

You don't have to say anything.

Phoenix: I didn't. I'm still only communicating in dot-dot-dots.
I don't need your pity or your sympathy. That Miles had to call you in on my behalf already took a toll on my pride. Don't think that I could've told you everything so easily, okay?

Edgeworth: I take it that's the author's explanation for the unnecessary length of this fanfic.

Phoenix: It still doesn't explain why she told me a story I had already put together. Or why she dragged it out in such great detail.
Miles sent you. And that's how I knew I could take my chances with you.

Wright, one more thing.

Phoenix: Did she forget my name?

Maya: You should wear a name tag, Nick.

Phoenix: What am I, a cashier? And before you ask, I don't want a dog tag either.

Um…th-thank you…for revealing the truth.

Don't go expecting a anything from me.

Maya: This author really doesn't know how to write a stutter, huh? At least they got the one in "thank you" right.
Even with these walls and glass in front of me, any affection I show requires the use of my whip.

Edgeworth: One: No, it doesn't. Two: There are no walls in front of her, unless you are building a Lego tower on the table.

Phoenix: I think that's a possibility if they have Lego at the detention center. I would have gotten bored three hours ago with all the talking about things I already knew.

Edgeworth: Three: Why would she want to show affection out of the blue?

Maya: That last dot-dot-dot must have been really meaningful.


Maya: Even more! You're really buttering her up now, aren't you?

Phoenix: Sure, why not? I'll do anything as long as she just stops talking.
The moment I am released, I will settle those accounts. You'll be sure to hear about from Scruffy or Ms. Skye.

Phoenix: Lana? Or Ema? What do they have to do with anything?

[The lights suddenly turn on as the fic stops playing. The familiar sound of the unlocking doors are heard.]

Phoenix: Oh thank goodness, we're finally done. Please tell me the next chapter will be shorter!

Edgeworth: *skimming over the script* It seems like it. All of these- *separates a thick stack of pages from the rest of the script* -belong to chapter 2.

Phoenix: Well, at least it can only get better now... right?

Maya: Aren't you scared of your punishment?

Phoenix: Can't I get away with a bit of rulebreaking just this once?

Edgeworth: I wouldn't count on it. It's usually a bad sign when the management remains this silent about it.

Phoenix: Thanks for your encouraging words, Edgeworth. *sweats*

Maya: Anyway, hurry up! I'm starving!

[And so our sporkers leave the theater once more. What will await them in the next chapter? How will Phoenix be punished? Will there be snacks? Only the future can tell.]

Author:  Ceence [ Fri Jul 19, 2013 5:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
Welcome, Ceence!

I don't think it'll be a problem. I'm not a native speaker either, but I can proofread your spork for you before you post it if you want.
But it's probably best to read at least the first couple of sporks in the old thread and the most recent ones in this thread to make sure you get the in-theater continuity right, especially since some things are not matching official canon (such as Maya using the internet).

Thank you! I'll certainly ask you to proofread when I finished a spork. I think I'll read the sporks from the old thread first, to see what happened in theater (Maya knows Kay, Edgeworth reads Steel Samurai manga etc).

Meanwhile, I found an... Interesting fic. It's a cross over with my little pony ... ht-Contest
I won't be sporking it, but it's really worth sporking.

Author:  Thane [ Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I have decided to give this a chance, and I will use the story so generously suggested by Ceence. I have no idea whether or not I'll do a good job, but here goes nothing.

I give this story: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: - What the hell is going on?

Today's sporkers are:

:think-pw: - I wonder if I should try running away...

:maya: - Did I hear something about ponies?!

And of course, everyone's favorite:

:edgeworth: - Just...why?


Edgeworth was sitting calmly on one of the three chairs in the room. He was mentally listing things worth living for: truth, the Steel Samurai...and, well, he hadn't gotten much further due to the distraction of the horrible task that awaited him.

Then suddenly the doors flew open and a very high pitched scream brought him out of his hard-fought relative comfort zone. The voice belonged to no other than Phoenix Wright, who had been rather forcefully thrown in. His assistant Maya, on the other hand, just casually walked in holding a candy bar and waved goodbye to the guard as the doors closed behind them.

Phoenix: All I asked for was a glass of water!

Maya: Did you try the puppy dog eyes? It always seems to do the trick with these guys!

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure that would only make matters worse.

Maya: Well at least you have a masculine scream...Oh hey, Mr. Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: Maya, Wright. Nice to see you again, although I wish it were under better circumstances.

Phoenix: They got you too, huh?

Edgeworth: No, Wright, I enjoy these sprokings so much I've decided to move into this room. I've got a tent in that closet over there.

Phoenix: Think we can block the screen with it?

Edgeworth: I was joking.

Phoenix: You can make jokes?

Maya: Oooh, BURN!

Edgeworth: Some things never change...

*The sproking of 'Phoenix Wright Contest' will now begin!*

Phoenix: Wait, the Phoenix Wright what now?

Pheonix Wright 2262

Maya: Wow Nick you're older than I thought!

Phoenix: What...what are those numbers even supposed to mean?!

Edgeworth: It's like it's attempting to communicate...

Guard: Objection!

Edgeworth: Overruled.

Judge: What? What is it Sir?

Maya: That's what we want to know!

Guard: our previous witness just realized she saw another pony on the scene with her bag.

Edgeworth: What witness? And what other pony?

Phoenix: That's your first train of thought? I was thinking something more along the lines of WHAT THE HELL ARE PONIES DOING IN THE COURTROOM?

Edgeworth: Good point.

*Pheonix smirks*

Phoenix: Glad at least fic-me is happy.

Maya: Cheer up Nick! Look at all the pretty ponies!

Phoenix: I'll try to contain my happiness.

*trixies angry*

Maya: What's a trixie? Is it a verb or a noun?

Edgeworth: I believe it is a name, but I can't see any capital letter...

Phoenix: Is he/she/it angry at me or what?

Maya: Probably!

Phoenix: Great.


All: Overruled.

Pheonix: Who is this pony

Phoenix: Thank you, fic-me, that's what we all want to know. Could you also tell us why there are ponies in a courtroom?

Guard: She saw some unicorn with dark grey fur and a short brown mane and tail carrying that stick

Edgeworth: Weren't we talking about a pony just now?

* trixies hat flies off*

Maya: Maybe it wasn't attached properly to the horn.

Edgeworth: So is Trixie a pony or a unicorn?

Phoenix: Are we even sure it's a person...pony...gah!

Pheonix: Your honor I think I know who this unknow pony with the stick is.
Pheonix: (thinks) yes! The evidence is right here!
Pheonix: your honor I would like to bring this pony into the court.

Edgeworth: Well, so far you're in character, Wright.

Phoenix: What do you mean? Nothing I said made any sense!

Edgeworth: Precisely.

Judge: I would but no pony knows her

Maya: And neither do we!

Pheonix: She is Sonota, Ace Swifts manager.

Phoenix: Who?

Edgeworth: Mind explaining how you know this pony, Wright?

Phoenix: You're actually enjoying this, aren't you?

Twilight: Where is she from, I've never heard of her.

Maya: The pony speaks for all of us!

Pheonix: That's because she travels around with Ace and she's not from around here.

Edgeworth: So naturally you know her, Wright.

Maya: Look at you relaxing and making jokes, Mr. Edgeworth! Gumshoe would be proud.

Pheonix: Your honor would you bring miss Sonota in here?

Maya: I thought she wasn't around and nobody knew of her?

Edgeworth: Clearly the author forgot what he or she wrote just a few sentences ago.

Trixie: Well the great and powerful Trixie needs a verdict!

Edgeworth: Spelled with a capital T this time around. We're making progress.

Phoenix slams hands down

Maya: S*it just got real!

Phoenix: Your honor! It wouldn't be right to hand down a verdict before all suspects have been cross examined!

Edgeworth: Another stroke of genius, Wright.

Phoenix: *mutter mutter mutter*

Judge nods
Judge: I will have to agree with the defense so Trixie any further argument will be punished
Trixie hat flies off

Maya: What is this I don't even...

Guard: Wait!
Trixie: what is it now?
Guard: Miss Gilda Just realized that she saw that Sonota pony carrying that stick!

Maya: Who?

Edgeworth: What stick?

Trixie looks shocked

Phoenix: I'd also be shocked if I were at a trial full of ponies.

Maya: You ARE at a trial full of ponies!

Phoenix: That's NOT me!

Phoenix grins like an idiot

Edgeworth: Once again you're in character, Wright. This author is starting to impress me.

Phoenix: Okay, now I'm convinced you're actually enjoying this!

Phoenix: Could you bring Gilda back in here your honor?

Phoenix: Once again, who?

Guard: I'm sorry but she is refusing to renter.

Maya: I'm sure this is the first time someone hasn't wanted to enter a courthouse.

Phoenix: could you tell us everything she remembered about Sonota

Maya: That would be very helpful.

Guard: She doesn't want to renter in fear she might destroy the porcupine man

Edgeworth: Enter*

Phoenix: Who's the porcupine man?

Maya: Spider-Man's long lost cousin?

Phoenix: ...

Phoenix: thinks) Alright that one hurt.

Phoenix: How did what hurt?

Maya: *Slaps Phoenix on the back of his head*

Phoenix: Aouch!

Maya: Just making sure you can still feel pain.

Judge: Would you mind just transferring our questions and answers?

Edgeworth: Wait, transferring questions?

Phoenix: I guess they're moving our questions to a place where they'll never, ever be answered.

Guard: that would be best

Edgeworth: That guard is not qualified to make any judicial decisions. Also, what happened to the bailiff? Has he been replaced by someone called Guard?

Guard dissappears for 5 seconds and reapers

Maya: Ah yes, 'Reapers'. The immortal race of sentient starships allegedly waiting in dark space. We have dismissed that claim.

Phoenix: was she doing anything strange?

Phoenix: What counts as strange in this story?

Guard whispers

Edgeworth: Who is this guard and why is he in the courtroom during a trial?

Phoenix: Why is he whispering?

Maya: He's about to tell you something very interesting, you just wait!

Guard: she was holding it with her mouth which was strange considering she was a unicorn.


Maya: That's why he whispered?!

Edgeworth: How would a unicorn hold something if it didn't use its mouth?

Phoenix: Who IS this unicorn?!

Phoenix: where was she heading?
Guard dissapears

Phoenix: Wow...thanks for the help.

Different guard appear


Edgeworth: I don't even know where to begin correcting that sentence.

Guard 2: HOLD IT! We scanned the bags for prints and we dscovered hoof prints that matched Sonota's!

Phoenix: Why are the guards running the show and why are they stealing my lines?

Maya: What was a unicorn doing with a bag?

Edgeworth: Maybe it was looking for proper sentence structure and decent grammar.

Murmuring crowd

Maya: Did...did we miss something important?

Phoenix: I think someone's hooves matched something.

Maya: Whose hooves matched what?

Phoenix: Something about a unicorn and a bag.

Maya: Nick, you're defending someone! You should pay closer attention!

Phoenix: the only explanation is that Sonota found the bag and hid it in the bush or she stole it!

Phoenix: What bush?

Edgeworth: And you keep guessing without submitting any evidence to the court. You're still in character, Wright, be thankful for that.

Phoenix: Edgeworth I swear to God...

Trixie: but that's impossible! how wouldn't our two previous witnesses find her in the forest! I mean really wouldn't Fluttershy have sawn her!

Edgeworth:...My brain hurts from trying to make sense of this sentence.

Twilight dings

Phoenix: Who?

Maya: Dings?

Phoenix: what is it?
Twilight: it's nothing

Maya: Alright, ding you later!

Fluttershy pushes guard

Edgeworth: And that was how Fluttershy was convicted of assault.

Fluttershy: HOLD IT! i-if you don't mind

All: We do mind!

Judge: Young lady what is the meaning of this

Edgeworth: The Judge asked a pony without a question mark.

Fluttershy: I just remembered seeing a pony in the corner of my eye

Phoenix: Who are you, where did you come from and how come everyone can just come and go as they please?

Kay: Hey guys!

Maya: Hey!

Kay: Bye guys!

Phoenix: was she dark colored unicorn?

Maya: Getting a bit racist are we, Nick?

Phoenix: I don't even know what fic-me is talking about!

Edgeworth: And fic-you clearly has no idea how to properly construct a sentence.

Fluttershy: exactly but she was holding it in her mouth

Phoenix: What, exactly? Was it a bag or a bush? And do these ponies have hands?

Phoenix: But if it was dark, how were you able to identify her horn?

Edgeworth: I can only assume we're talking about a unicorn now.

Phoenix: And it was dark when something happened.

Maya: And they were carrying something with their mouth...Hey we're getting closer to figuring out the mystery!

Fluttershy dings

Phoenix: Okay.

Fluttershy: oo the light reflected off her glasses! That's how I was able to identify that stick and her horn! But I'm sorry I wasn't able to see her cutiemark
Phoenix: That proves it was Sonota who moved the stick! We have to bring her in here!

Edgeworth: You're jumping to conclusions, Wright.

Phoenix: Don't pretend you have any idea what's going on!

Edgeworth: You still didn't prove anything. Why isn't the prosecution raising an objection?

Maya: Because not even the author has any idea what's happening?

Edgeworth: Touché

Dun Dun Dun

Maya: Something very exciting is about to happen, apparently.

Applebloom: Wait! I just remembered about that...Thing I bumped into!

Phoenix: Wait, who's Applebloom?

Trixies hat flies off

Edgeworth: That's the third time so far, she should either take it off or they should close the windows.

Phoenix: (thinks) Yes! I'm winning!

Maya: Way to go Nick! I never doubted you for a second!

Phoenix: Thank you! Now if you could just tell me what I'm winning and how...

(Alright guys, I might continue this tomorrow, but I feel as if I have lost several IQ points trying to make sense of what's happening. Anyway, I have to go to bed now.)

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Sat Jul 20, 2013 1:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

@Thane: Good start, nice work there. I'll just get my suggestions for improvement out of the way before I'll comment on the excellent parts, so bear with me, okay?

-It would be better to have the sporking happen in present tense, since this is the thing we have done all the time. It also adds to the feeling of something exciting or unexpected waiting to happen, but that could be just me.

-The sporking theater has more than only three chairs. It's a theater, after all. Also, there have been other sporks in which a larger number of seats appeared.

-When you want to have the management say something (I assume they were saying the "The sporking will now begin" part), ideally just write their lines like all of the other sporkers, just putting "speakers" instead of a name.

-I'm pret-ty sure Maya refers to Gumshoe as "detective Gumshoe", but it's hard to tell, because she hasn't mentioned him in a long time, neither in games nor in the sporking theater. (Phoenix officially seems to go a bit back and forth between using and not using the "detective" part.)

-There are a few missing commas in your sentences (specifically when someone is adressed, as in "Once again you're in character Wright". He's not located within the character Wright, he is the character Wright and is being told he's not in character.)

-It would be nice if you could write a sort of ending to your spork. Things like how the sporkers react to the fic being over, what they do afterwards, or whatever else feels like a nice closure to you.

Now to the things I liked about your spork:

-Edgeworth "mentally listing things worth living for". I'm not gonna lie, that one really cracked me up. XD

-You commenting on Phoenix's high pitched nervous voice, because this is one of the things I really like about him.

-Maya being buddy-buddy with the guard. I wonder if, another ten or twenty sporks in the future, we'll eventually see Maya and the management being best friends. ^^

-I don't know why, but somehow the way you wrote the characters made me hear Phoenix and Maya's voices as those from the fan musical. I don't know how you did that, but I like it.

-Since I complained about missing commas, I should also praise you for correctly spelling "Spider-Man". A lot of people over the internet seem to get his name wrong.

My favorite scenes from your sporking:

-Maya scolding Phoenix for not paying enough attention to the unicorn

-"I've got a tent in that closet over there"

-"It's like it's attempting to communicate..."

-Phoenix: I guess they're moving our questions to a place where they'll never, ever be answered.

-Phoenix: Who are you, where did you come from and how come everyone can just come and go as they please?
Kay: Hey guys!
-> This was another really great moment. Very funny. :D

Interesting trivia: I checked the game scripts, and it turns out the only interacting "Guard" in the Phoenix games was Mike Meekins. Make of that what you will.

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Sat Jul 27, 2013 3:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Ahem... soooo... the lack of reactions tells me I did something wrong, but I'm not sure what it is, so I'll go ahead and post the second half of my spork and hope that someone will tell me their opinion. I don't like fishing for things, but I'd hate to see the thread die because of something I did that I'm not aware of.

Shi-Long Lang is a jerk and Phoenix speaks... but that only makes matters worse. Meanwhile, one of our sporkers is not enjoying his punishment.
I'm sorry about the overlong parts in the "theater". Please forgive me, I tried to cut it short, but honestly found myself unable to do better. I blame my hit-and-miss curse.

Rating: :sawit: :sawit:
Two Sahwits. It's not as bad as the last part, but still very much out of character.

Speakers: Ahem. This is a formal announcement from the management. Due to recent violations of our sporking rules, today's half of the fic in question will not be screened in our popular sporking theater. Instead, we made a few... special preparations.

Maya: Can we take off the blindfolds now? I keep bumping into people. And I think I felt more than two. Did we get an extra sporker?

Franziska: That would be me, yes.

Phoenix: *gulp* Oh hi, Ms. von Karma.

Maya: Didn't we already drop her last name?

Phoenix: Not while I'm blindfolded and trapped in a... a... a thing with her.

Franziska: Hmph. Still easily intimidated, I see.

Speakers: Anyway: Yes, you can take off the blindfolds now. Please take a seat. We advise Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth to choose seats with full view of the screen. Also, you will find snacks, refreshments and a couple of spare paper bags under your seats.

Maya: Yay!

Edgeworth: Paper...bags?

[Our sporkers dispose of their blindfolds to face a circular room with a single screen hanging from the wall. A row of seats is lined up against the inner circular wall.]

Phoenix: Wait... The... the room? It...

Maya: Huh? It looks like the room is all windows. It's good they built this middle wall in here, or the screen would be really hard to make out.

Franziska: What foolish fool of an architect is responsible for this? That person should be fired on the spot.

Edgeworth: It appears to be a converted gyro tower. The management must have friends at the local amusement park.

Franziska: A gyro tower? To watch fanfics in? What foolishness is this?

Maya: Wow, this is so cool! We're really high up in here. And look, it's spinning!

Phoenix: (Why...? Whyyyyy?!)
Author: Chase Ling Ziao
part 3

Maya: Oh! The fic started playing. *quickly sits down and starts munching on a bucket full of popcorn*

Edgeworth: That's right... Franziska, did you have a chance to read the script for this one?

Franziska: I was given no such thing. Why do you ask?

Edgeworth: I don't want to alarm you, but... *has second thoughts* -Actually, let's just see how things develop for this one.
Victim Testimony: Shi-Long Lang (channelled by Maya Fey)

Maya: Hey look, I'm in this fic, too! Well, not really... but kind of.

Phoenix: That's g-great, Maya.

Maya: Hm? You haven't even touched your snacks yet. What are you waiting for?

Phoenix: Take them... take all of them... I... (I don't think I can survive this for long!)
…! Who the hell are you? And why can I see again? Where am I?

Maya: Looks like you're still talking in dot-dot-dots, Nick.

Franziska: Does anyone actually ever ask this? I was under the impression that a spirit knows when they're being channelled.

Maya: They should. I mean, I think? I never really thought about that. Hey, Nick! Do you know if--

Phoenix: Noidon'tknowidon'tcarejustdon'ttalktomerightnow!!! *whipcrack* Eep!

Franziska: I won't tolerate this rudeness, Phoenix Wright!
So you're Phoenix Wright. It's a pity we didn't meet when I was alive. I've heard stories. Oh, those stories sis tells. *snickers* Funny, I pictured you less normal-looking, from what she's said, at least. Hold on…

Maya: What, does he want to order a pizza first?

Phoenix: N... p-perhaps... hewouldliketotakethismomenttothankallthewonderfulpeopleinhislifewho... gave him the... op-por... tunity... *whipcrack* OWWWWW!

Franziska: Speak clearly! And what's the matter with you?

Phoenix: This... t-tower!

Franziska: You should keep your eyes on the screen, then.

Phoenix: I'm trying! And whyamI th-the only onebeingeffected bythis?

Edgeworth: Don't look at me. This much is nothing compared to a transatlantic flight.

Phoenix: (Ah, right... I forgot he could do that!)



…! Aiyaaaah! What-what's going on?!

Franziska: What is it with those unnecessary ellipses?

Maya: That's Nick talking. He doesn't really speak in this fic.

Franziska: Does he express his comments in pantomime?
Mr. Wright, right? Tell me RIGHT NOW! I DEMAND to know what the heck is going on!


Franziska: That's something I would like to hear as well. What did happen in the first half?

Maya: Well, uh, you sort of killed him. And he was your boyfriend. Also, he was a werewolf.

Franziska: What? Who in their right mind...? That doesn't even begin to make sense!

Edgeworth: When was the last time any oft these fics made sense?

Franziska: That's no excuse.
Not so fast! Woah there! Rewind. I did NOT asked to be channelled or whatever.

Franziska: It's "ask", not "asked". Foolish fool of an author...

Maya: I don't think spirits ever really ask to be channelled. *dives for a fresh supply of snacks* Oh, hey Nick! There's a pair of goggles under your seat.

Edgeworth: Those are binoculars. I suppose to help you get a better view of the screen.

Phoenix: I'lltakethem! I'lltakeanything! JustaslongasIdon'thavetolookout!

...…Fine. Mind telling me what I'm here for?

Yes, well, you said there was a reason. I'm not that unreasonable for a dead guy.

Franziska: Hm. If I understand the quality of the previous chapters from what you told me, I would say that his death might have been an honest improvement in that way.

Phoenix: *murmurs* She sounds unusually friendly. she enjoying herself? I don't believe it...

Edgeworth: *murmurs back* She must be. She hasn't made use of her whip in a while.

Yeah, whatever. What are these papers for?

…For…... I see. Well, sure. I'll sign them.

Edgeworth: Wouldn't it be nice of the author to clue us in as to what these papers are?

Maya: Maybe they're the delivery papers for his pizza.

Phoenix: I'm not a delivery boy, Maya.

Franziska: Perhaps you should be... at least delivery boys get tipped on occasion.

Phoenix: I'm doing just fine, thank you. (At least until Maya breaks something again...)

Well, if you don't mind, I've appropriated some things in the papers. At least the house should belong to the Lang family. I'll let sis take the furniture or… whatever was left from that incident, heh.

Phoenix: So that leaves, what, the fridge? All the other things were either destroyed by him or tossed around by her.

Maya: You're forgetting her bronzed leg collection.

Franziska: My what?

Maya: It's a long story. But basically, your house is a horror museum.

Franziska: My house...?

Edgeworth: Yes, with the perforated silver roof and the shopping window in the cellar.

Maya: It used to be a pet shop. You're all out of seagulls now. But you have an army of leathery skin zombies in your attic.

Franziska: Where on Earth do they find these fics?
Tell me, how many days has it been? Being dead screws up your sense of time, I can personally attest to that.

Edgeworth: I can relate. I get the same feeling almost every time we have to spork something.

That long, huh.

Tell me, how is sis? Er, I meant Ms. Von Karma… sorry.

Edgeworth: Gotta love how he just ignored your entire spiel to cut straight to Franziska.

Franziska: You can't blame him. I prefer my own company to Phoenix Wright's idle monologues any time.

Phoenix: (Um, I'm pretty sure my "monologuing" is really just me looking for some interaction and everybody else refusing to oblige.)

Right, right. You hardly know a thing about me, heh heh heh. First thing's first: the name's Shi-Long Lang.

Phoenix: If I told Maya to channell him, I should already know that. Even if she just channelled him randomly without telling me, he just signed a paper for me, so I would know his name from that. Last but not least, it would have come up in court!

Maya: Maybe he just wanted to introduce himself to the guard in the background?
It's funny how we meet for the first time and it's like this, don't you think? In my country, even I didn't think this was possible. My cousins insist that some relatives of ours do channel spirits but I wasn't too convinced. Then again, I never thought I'd be one being channelled. *snicker*

Franziska: So are these cousins of his also werewolves? It makes you wonder what would happen if one of them channelled a spirit during a full moon. Would the channelled spirit also transform into a werewolf, or would it prevent the transformation from occurring?

Maya: Hm, that's a really good question.
I met sis about some years ago.

Phoenix: "About some" years ago? How vague can it get?

Edgeworth: Let's see: "I believe I met sis around an unspecified period of time roughly falling in the not too distant proximity of about some years ago."

Phoenix: Good job, Edgeworth. Why don't you get yourself a gold star?
Your friend, Mr. Edgeworth, should've told you as much. She helped out with a huge case concerning the Interpol. I'm sorry to say that even though I'm permanently retired,

Edgeworth: ...and apparently desperate enough to steal puns from a homicidal dead girl he never met in his life...

I am sworn to my word as an agent to withhold any information from individuals not involved in the case. Besides, it was already case closed, okay?

I call Franziska "sis", well, it's because I trust her like I would a real sister.

Phoenix: In other words, as far as he could throw her. *waits anxiously* ...Nothing?

Edgeworth: She's... eating popcorn.

Phoenix: Say what?!

Maya: Well, some of us are trying to have a good time, you know.

Phoenix: (Almost makes me want to drop the binoculars and take a peek. Almost.)
I made her part of my pack, you see? And whoever I consider part of my pack, I trust them wholeheartedly and they trust me. Well, at first Interpol assigned a prosecutor of renown to aid in that particular case. They said we needed someone who was familiar with multiple systems of law and governance in order for us to strike swiftly and surely when we found what we were looking for. I suppose you could say at first, I had no choice? Heh heh heh. She earned my trust over time. Why do you think I was able to catch her whip in mid-air?

Edgeworth: I'm inclined to say that he had a lot of practice, but the fact that he still brags about it even after his death makes it sound like a child catching a foul ball during a baseball game.

Franziska: Either way, I caught him in the end. *crunch, crunch*

Maya: Did he wear a bandage over his nose for days after that?

Franziska: Was that also a part of the first half of this fic?

Phoenix: That and his overly dramatic howling when you struck him.

Franziska: I'll have to take a look at that script later.

Phoenix: (Somehow I get the feeling that she doesn't like this Lang guy very much.)

I see she hasn't told anyone about that, ha ha! I didn't expect any less from sis. I'm sure you'll keep this to yourself, seeing as you're the type of person who doesn't prefer a meal of leather.

Phoenix: Implying that he's the kind of guy who does? Hm, fits the other clues in the first part, I guess...

Edgeworth: Do we have to play this game again? Maya...

Maya: Bad Nick! Bad! *whacks him with a half-empty bag of chips*

Phoenix: That didn't really hurt. *whipcrack* OW!

Franziska: Always glad to help out. *turns back to eating her popcorn*
And she definitely means more to me than just that. Not that it's really your business to know the finer details of our relationship. But if you must know, we were going to tie the knot a few months from now.

Ah, yeah. I figured you'd do your homework. Did Detective Gumshoe help you out? Heh heh.
You'll have to forgive that mishap with my ex-secretary.

Phoenix: Why would I even want to know that?

Maya: Because you're a bad dog.
I hand-pick my subordinates and I will admit to negligence in quadruple-checking her background information. I really do take pride in my work so I'll admit to having a lapse of judgement because of the urgency and alarming importance of that case.
… Should I have said, "took" pride in my work? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Edgeworth: Yes, we get it. He's dead.

Maya: Maybe he just doesn't like his work anymore in hindsight.

Listen, as much as I appreciate you calling me back here to ask about the details, I don't think there is any more I can tell you that you don't already know.

Phoenix: Oh goodie. Another fic full of things we don't need to hear.

There was… no other way around it. Even from when Lang Zi was a mere pup himself, the name Lang was associated with a very unique "inheritance." As you can see, it's yet again caused insurmountable grief to the people I'm closest to.

For the sake of clarity, I suppose you do need to know the root behind all of it. Here it is.
It all began with our first ancestor, Lang Fai. Stories told to me by my nai nai and her nai nai's nai nai all say the same thing.

Maya: What's a nai nai?

Edgeworth: I assume it's a parent or grandparent. Although why he suddenly feels the need to code his family members with something other than wolf metaphors is beyond me.
He made a deal with a wolf. At the time, there was a war going on and food was scarce.

Phoenix: Then how come the wolf didn't eat him?

Maya: How do you make a deal with a wolf anyway?
The soil was too cold and hard without the young men to till it. Fai, before he was given the name Lang, had to leave farming behind and provide for his family by hunting. It went downhill quite fast.
He was down on his luck trying to survive a hunting trip in a nearby forest.

Franziska: He should have kept tending to at least a small patch of his farmland. Even a few potted vegetables on the balcony would have done to survive.

Edgeworth: It's not only what he should have done, I'm also wondering how he managed to just up and quit farming when there was a war going on at the time. You'd think someone would have noticed and put him in his place for denying his people a much needed supply of food. And how did he plan to sneak his kill past the soldiers undoubtedly scattered all over the place?
In his lapse of judgement, he wound up stealing a freshly-killed prey of a wolf pack.

Maya: How?

Phoenix: I don't think the author is going to explain it, Maya.
He ran away and attempted to find refuge from the animals who were already sounding out their territory with their howls. Even worse luck befell him when he came face-to-face with the alpha male of the pack.

Maya: But it's the alpha male! Why was it not there when he stole the food? Did it need a time out?

Franziska: Perhaps it went to hide from the author because it predicted what an embarrassing fic this was to become. Wolves are very intelligent, you know.

Maya: Oh, good point! I bet that was it.
It is said that back in the day, man and animal could understand each other.

Edgeworth: And where exactly is it said? In fairy tales, animal themed comic books or simply the local tabloid newspaper?

Franziska: Don't let the bad wording fool you. There is indeed a long history of interactions between humans and animals. You need only think of a jockey and his horse, or a shephard and his herding dog.

Edgeworth: Do you think I'm not aware of this? However, I find it hard to believe that the author had this kind of communication in mind.

Maya: You can sure tell it's a bad fic when even the wolves are out of character.
He struck a bargain with the alpha wolf where in exchange for the skills of the wolf in hunting and knowledge of the ways of the forest, the sons of Lang were now destined to become part of the pack.

Phoenix: Oh, wow. Looks like the wolves got a really good deal out of it, huh? I can see why the alpha male was put in time out.

Maya: Yeah, I mean really? It didn't even get its pack's food back. That's pretty pathetic.

Phoenix: It's even worse. By allowing this idiot's family into its pack, this alpha has just lost them even more food. Because now they have to share everything with them.

Edgeworth: Speaking of which, pass me the corn chips, please.

Phoenix: You, too? How can you people enjoy this???
Do you understand what that implied? That deal meant not as humans but as wolves.
Sure, Fai became known as a hunter without equal. He was even named Lang by his people, for such keenness as a wolf when he hunted.

Phoenix: You mean people knew that he was a werewolf? And they didn't kill him? Or at least secure him somehow?

Franziska: They were clearly too busy admiring his hunting skills.

Edgeworth: ...which cost them even more of their already scarce food supply.

Maya: See? I told you they were all on Weight Watchers.
He was able to provide for his family and neighbors through that famine and many more to come

Phoenix: Yeah, no. That's not how it works.
but every night with a full moon, the alpha wolf howled, calling him and his family to join their hunt. Not one neighbour ever witnessed the transformations first hand but it was recorded in Zheng Fa history that on nights with a full moon, a single howl turned into several howls that were in close proximity to that village.

Phoenix: So... he... his hunting skills had nothing to do with being a werewolf? What, did the wolves teach him their superior sniping skills?

Edgeworth: If your voice gets any higher, you'll make the glass shatter.

Phoenix: Don't...don't even joke about that, Edgeworth! *gulp*
Every generation after Lang Fai had individuals with the same gifts and the same secret. This was how the name Lang was forever tied to he and his kin.

Edgeworth: Just for the sake of nitpicking: The name was forever tied to him and his kin.
Yet, only the Lang family knew how much deeper it went.

Franziska: It looks like your fictional self has finally awoken from his sleep, Phoenix Wright.

Phoenix: Maybe I came back from a really important lunch break. There's no way I would willingly listen to all that.

Franziska: Is that so? It shows in your unpreparedness in court.

Phoenix: Yet somehow I still beat you. Several times.

Maya: Yeah, but she beat you plenty in other ways. In and outside of court.

Phoenix: You're not supposed to remind me of that!

Franziska: Be grateful! Your assistent just spared you a much more painful reminder.
Ha ha ha! You don't have to believe me. Trust me, I didn't either at first but there you have it. For the record, I did warn you about it being something of a legend. I've been living with this "destiny" for over 35 years to just a few days ago.

I first began transforming the moment I hit puberty.

Phoenix: Oh good, it shouldn't have made that much of a difference then.
I don't know all the nitty gritty but I found I could easily memorize a mountainous terrain and survival training class felt like second nature.
The only set-back is that I had to be kept in isolation every month or else let loose in the bit of forest behind our home back in Zheng Fa.

Maya: Wasn't that kinda his ancestor's part of the pact?

Phoenix: So now he's even cheating the wolves out of what little they got in return. Okay, it wasn't a big benefit for them to begin with, but still.
All of us in the House of Lang felt the most at home in nature. It was no surprise why majority of us cousins and uncles chose to enter military service.

Edgeworth: I can think of a dozen professions that have more to do with nature than any interpretation of "military service".
Oddly enough, this inheritance was only evidnet to the men of my clan.

Maya: What's an evidnet? Is it like a big scoop net for werewolves? Or soldiers?

Edgeworth: I think it's a misspelling of "evident". Not that it made more sense that way. Maybe he wanted to say that the connection between nature and military services was only evident to the men of his clan.
It seemed the myth was very literal when it said "sons."

Yes. It would've been impossible for sis to become like me.
She's not of the Lang blood and neither is she male. And so this "curse" can't affect her in any way.

Franziska: Ah, yes - when in doubt, always state the obvious. The two of them work so well together in this fic. I see they keep up the tradition of everyone using the assistant's body instantly becoming the assistant.

Maya: Well, it's only fair, isn't it? You can't expect Nick to solve everything by himself.

Edgeworth: How very true.

Phoenix: Stop giving me that look. I can feel it.

Grr…there's that of course. You do understand I never meant to hurt her.

...….Tch. It's times like these when I'm afraid that even my incredible sense of discipline fails to overcome raw animal instinct.
I'm not proud of what I am, of what I did to her. It wasn't like I had a choice on the matter, though. No, my death was an inevitable end to this.

Phoenix: Not really. A better neck chain would have helped. Or better timing, instead of waiting until the last minute to lock him up.

Don't ever say thaaaaaaat!

Maya: What, did he fall off a cliff?

Phoenix: Did his battery run out?

Edgeworth: Did he feel the sudden urge to burst into song?

Franziska: Did he start yawning over his own ramblings?
Do not begin to imply what you have no idea of, Mr. Wright. I may have brought her close to harm a few times but don't you dare think that I was just using her.
I could handle my beast on my own.

Phoenix: Unfortunately, she couldn't handle him all that well. *whipcrack* Oww!

Franziska: Bad dog! Bad!

Phoenix: (Great, now she's doing it. I'll never live this down.)

Edgeworth: You need to learn to keep your mouth shut.
My trips back to Zheng Fa every month were proof of that, yes? But when she and I met, when she and I grew closer, it wasn't just about me anymore.

Franziska: Let's have a moment of silent appreciation for the author's awareness that one plus one equals two. I see education has not failed them.
Besides, sis wanted to be the perfect lover, right? I couldn't leave her out of anything, even if I tried, ha ha! I let her in on my secret. I let her into my life and she did her best to accept me for what I am. That is more than I've let any of my pack come to know. From that point on, I decided that I wanted to escape.

Phoenix: I know the feeling. My first instinct when I see her is to escape, too. *whipcrack* Ow!

Edgeworth: Let Franziska have her snack in peace, will you?

Maya: We should patent this as the Phoenix diet: Every time you try to eat a snack, he makes you put it down to punish him.

Franziska: Next time, those binoculars will come off. Then we shall see how much he has to say.

Phoenix: Not the binoculars!!
I wanted out of this accursed "destiny" because it was making things very difficult. Not just for me but for her as well. And…

And she couldn't find out about what will happen to me eventually. I'm sure she noticed it though. My transformations were coming sooner and taking a lot more out of me.

Phoenix: Especially the last one. Boy, did that ever take a lot out of him! Like his life, for instance. And a bit of material for the forensic team.
I don't know if she figured out that I was eventually going to stay as a wolf by the time I officially matured as a human. Or so nai nai, says.

Edgeworth: He lived with the transformations for 35 years and they started with puberty, making him approximately 49 years old at the time of death. The previous chapters stated that they had been together for 18 months, making him 47 or 48 at the time they got together. How much more "officially mature" did he think he'd get? Also, there's an unnecessary comma in the last sentence.

When I was with her. That's when I matured, I suppose.

Maya: Looks like you two think alike.

Phoenix: Well, that's one way to mature, I guess.

Edgeworth: We really do at times. You have no idea what I would give right now to not pick up on his innuendo.
For sure, that's when I felt the most content in my entire life, when I felt the most complete.

I suppose if I hadn't met sis, I'd have been a wolf let loose in Zheng Fa. I'd retire my illustrious career after 30-35 years in service, maybe?
I'd already helped rebuild my family's reputation and I was living a content life as it was. This so-called "destiny" of mine simply transfers one individual from the human population to the wolf population.

Edgeworth: So apparently humans are now currency.
For what purpose? To fulfil a promise made so many generations ago that it's almost like a legend? I think I would've done just fine on my own without these wolf instincts business.
Or…without it, maybe I would've never met Franziska. Yes, because I met sis, I began to think my fate was actually quite cruel.

Heh heh heh… I know what you're thinking, Mr. Wright.

Edgeworth: We all do. And as soon as he forgets the last threat, we'll hear it, too.

Phoenix: (...must not joke about Franziska, I must not joke about Franziska, I must not...)

Franziska: He's learning. You should give him a biscuit.

Phoenix: Uh, no thanks.
This kind of thinking gets anyone nowhere.

Maya: This sentence is a screwed bit up.
Well, I don't need your preaching. Lang Zi says: "Mark your path to show and know where you've been."

Phoenix: No, he doesn't need me preaching. He can do that just fine by himself.
I've thought about it for a long time since meeting sis. While it's not something I can easily escape, I realized didn't have to spend so long living with it.

I'll admit it was tiring having to fight it all the time, Mr. Wright. Every month since that night, I had to be chained to a fortified wall in a fortified room with heavy-duty chains and cuffs to restrain my arms, legs, upper body and my head.

Maya: Yes, I remember. The fortified room with the window in it. With the chains that didn't really hold him back.

Phoenix: And the fortified simple doorlock.
I even had to wear a muzzle. But I did all of this for her.
I could tell sis was extremely worried. In turn, I grew concerned for her worry for me.
I mean, we both decided it was for the best and I have experienced isolation during my transformations before but the way she said it pained me.
The cuffs and the chains always gave me deep bruises.

Maya: And he whined loud and often about it.

Franziska: If he's so big and soft that the cuffs bruise him even through his fur, he really should lose some weight.

Maya: It's all because of the seagulls. They just kept flying into his mouth.
Thrashing about and the transformation itself strained my muscles and my bones. I didn't have to understand how that happened. I know it did because I felt it. But sis, *sigh* I don't know if she failed to take it as a fact or if she was really bothered that it had to happen so often.
Sis would always tell me off for doing my work out routine the day after I recover from the transformation, ha ha! I didn't have the heart to tell her that it helped me take my mind off the aching my entire body felt the day after. You know I usually take a whole day's rest, correct?

Phoenix: I don't think workout counts as rest.

Franziska: No no, it's "work out", not workout.

Maya: He's probably playing sudoku or something.

Franziska: Which is exactly why I would consider it a waste of time. See? It all makes perfect sense.
That's actually just the minimum.
After I transform back to a human I'm just so tired that I can't help falling asleep. I stay that way for at least a day, unable to do a thing.

Phoenix: Okay, but falling asleep for the whole day doesn't count as workout or working out.

Maya: Maybe the sudokus were so easy he could literally solve them in his sleep.
When I was younger, it took longer.

Maya: They just don't make sudokus like they used to, back in the olden days.

Edgeworth: Frankly, I don't think there was ever a time when sudokus were hard.

Maya: Yeah, they're not exactly the final boss of puzzle games. I'm looking at you, 999!

Phoenix: You don't even have a DS, Maya.
And, well, since the curse was nearing its fulfilment recently, the beast is spending more time manifested in my body. Now too, it was taking longer for me to recover. It was only a matter of time.
The end result does not change: I was destined to become wolf. It's in my blood. It's in my history. Lang Zi says: "A wolf is a wolf because of three things: its self, its upbringing, and its parents."

Phoenix: That's about the dumbest self-proclaimed wisdom I have ever heard.

Edgeworth: I'm willing to accept its parents for obvious genetic reasons, but said parents' nurturing qualities or lack thereof have no effect whatsoever on the fact that their offspring is a wolf. Bad parenting won't turn it into a giraffe. And while it's true that a wolf is by definition a wolf, the mere statement that "a wolf is a wolf because it's a wolf" holds no ground.
But because of Franziska, for the first time I thought I could change it.

Yes. It was my idea, really. After the night I first transformed with her around, a spark ignited in me.

Maya: Oh, so it was the spark that burned him to death later.

Franziska: I thought I was the one killing him?

Maya: You were, kind of... he also fell from the balcony. If you hadn't landed on top of him, he probably would have shot himself and drank poison, too.
It pushed me to finding all the possible ways of curing this damnation. Of course, I wanted to hear it from her first. It assured me that I wasn't alone in all this. All our efforts proved fruitless though. My fate could not be changed and sis, that awesome woman that she is, chose to endure it.

Edgeworth: And now the author is lying to us. It was plainly stated in the second chapter that he had told her the mysterious metal object would cure him. Obviously, we know that was not the case, but she believed him until she discovered the hidden blade. So she was under the impression that she could put an end to his transformations at any given time!

Franziska: I can see why the author chose to forget about this little detail.
It was very brave of her. And I was moved to tears by how much she would do for me. At the same time I felt guilty for having to rely on her support just so I could also continue living. Not many people know this but I already contemplated how I would die on my own.

Tch. I decided if I was going to die, I'd die as Shi-Long Lang, the Interpol who brought back honor to the name of Lang, not some nameless wild animal.

Edgeworth: Interpol is an organization. It's not a title.

Phoenix: I take it you're out of snacks?

Edgeworth: I'm saving the rest for Kay. I like to keep her happy during the sporking season, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. *eyes speakers*

Yeah, I thought that at first too. She and her driving need to be perfect, heh heh, but I don't ponder about the rhyme and reason. I simply trusted her, that she was doing this for my sake and her own. We both had a lot to lose. I guess this is one of those facets of love your vampire story authors keep talking about?

Phoenix: Even the author noticed the similarities between this fic and Twilight. Why did they leave it in?

My nai nai was long gone and my father hospitalized by the time I started to work with Interpol. I can assume they've already let him lose in the forest by now.

Phoenix: Uh... that doesn't sound like a good way to handle a werewolf to me.

Maya: Maybe that's just their standard procedure to release their patients when nobody wants them and the rooms are getting too crowded.
My mother knew only little, only what nai nai has told her. In a place like Zheng Fa it was hard finding any sort of expert on the matter. We had to research on our own lest the secret got out and either of us might lose our careers for being mentally unsound, ha ha!

Parapsychology? Occult studies? In a college?! My, my, America is a weird country, ha ha ha ha! No offense, Mr. Wright.

Franziska: I have to agree with him on this.

Edgeworth: I suppose it's a matter of supply and demand.

Franziska: Even if it's possible: What would one do with such a degree?

Edgeworth: Open a school for "spirit mediums"?

Maya: I don't think the teachers in Kurain need a degree for that.

Ah, about that. That "last resort" bit, that was all me too. My mother gave it to me before I set off to work with Interpol. She told me it was made with the same material as our oldest heirloom daggers and that I'd definitely need it. Pretty thing, it was. Not anyone would realize it was a very important wedding gift tradition in the House of Lang.

Phoenix: How romantic.
Neat story about it is the wives of the Lang men were entrusted with this type of gift by their mothers-in-law. She told me to give it to the person I would come to trust the most.

I inspected it, of course. I saw it was a hand-sized blade. My mother always kept hers about her personage.

Edgeworth: "Upon". The word you were looking for is "upon", or simply "on" her personage. If you want to write formally, do it properly!
At first I thought that I was destined to be killed by this beautiful weapon by the person I trusted the most. Then I mulled over it a bit more. I had to give this to the person I trusted the most because they would know everything about me. Whoever I gave this to has the heaviest burden of all: to stop me, to stop my beast when I couldn't anymore.

Phoenix: So, did he have to give this weapon to the person he trusted most?

Maya: And would they have to kill him with it?

Edgeworth: Would he have to be killed with the weapon he gave to the person he trusted most?

Franziska: I suppose we'll never know. If only he could have elaborated on this subject a bit more.
I would trust the end of my life to that person, in exchange for a horrific potentially life-traumatizing experience for them. It's a sweet but twisted fate, isn't it?
More so, I had to choose whether to endure those transformations any more as opposed to just dying at some fixed point in time after so and so years of working by handing the knife over to any of my subordinates. Heh, sis made choosing all the more difficult. I knew I was going to die by that knife or die as a wolf

Maya: Maybe he should give the knife to the person he trusts most.

Phoenix: You don't mean...!

Maya: Yes! To kill him with it!

Phoenix: Brilliant! What a totally unexpected twist that hasn't been repeated to death at all!
but it wasn't so easy choosing as to when anymore.

I'm not exactly certain. Perhaps it was out of self-defense? Recall that I have no distinction between human prey and animal prey when the wolf takes over. Perhaps many Lang wives had taken precaution themselves. Besides, I'd consider it a possibility that one's wife would feel the responsibility of keeping others away from the truth and the danger that is her husband-turned-beast.

Edgeworth: If these men had any sense of honor or responsibility, they would never put their wives in this position.
I trusted that she would.

Phoenix: I guess he's not very honorable.

Franziska: I do remember that man and his attitude problem. I wouldn't put it past him to act that way.

Edgeworth: I think you're being a bit harsh on him. He wasn't that bad... but yes, he had an attitude.

Ah yes, that night. You're asking what I remember? Well, the argument she and I had for one, ha ha ha ha! I ended up apologizing to her. I thought it fitting at the time since I knew that any day, I was going to have a permanent pair of furry boxers.
To be honest, that wasn't our first argument over the matter of sis wanting to turn into a wolf herself.

Maya: Oh, right, that was also in the first half.

Franziska: I don't see why I would want to become a wolf when they're as imbecile and weak as this fic makes them appear.

Phoenix: I don't know. To stay warm in winter? (I mean, she does walk around in the snow in her light dress a lot...)
I just always politely shot her down every time she brought it up. I usually avoided her question but that day was different. She fought back!

Phoenix: Yeah, never saw that coming. She's usually so mild and submissive.
I guess I was caught unaware. I got mad pretty fast and snapped at her. I thought she understood that I didn't want to talk about it.

I don't remember much when the beast takes over my body. Let's see…

I'm getting flashes of certain things. Uhh, right before the beast completely took over, I remember seeing sis fall backward. And then I remember smelling her blood. There's also broken furniture in front of me.

Maya: That was probably the exercise trail she made for him.

Franziska: Exercise trail?

Maya: Yes, where you ran through the hallway throwing furniture left and right so he could catch up with you.

Edgeworth: It made slightly more sense in context. But not by far.
And then I see the entrance to the attic.

I-it's sis! I'm remembering seeing sis!

I-I see her, standing at the end of a corridor.

Edgeworth: The balcony. She was standing on the balcony. And before that, she was sitting on the roof, looking through the holes. Where did this corridor come from?
And…and I think she's coming closer to me? No wait! I'm running toward her! And then…!

And then my vision becomes really clear. I can't move my limbs but I feel a pain but also a familiar warmth around my midsection.

Phoenix: Why only there? The fic said that his whole body was "searing hot" after they fell from the balcony.
And then I remember seeing the ground, it's coming closer and closer. I think I took a quick glance down and I think I see..sis…around me…and then everything went black.

…...So that's what happened, she said? No wonder I saw black again right after. Heh heh,

Phoenix: I'd really like to know what I'm saying there. Am I laughing with him? Or telling him to stop laughing?

Edgeworth: Perhaps you're asking him for more important and relevant details. Like the exact shade of black he saw, or how he could see it when he was dead.

Phoenix: Maybe by rephrasing his autopsy report so there was "a possibility he lived for several minutes after crashing into the ground".

Edgeworth: For the last time, Wright: It's my responsibility to eliminate all possible doubts I might have with a faulty piece of evidence.

Phoenix: Exactly. You eliminated them alright, with a faulty piece of evidence. *whipcrack* Ow!

Franziska: Play nicely, children!
Death is a funny thing, Mr. Wright. I remember hitting my head against something quite hard. I think I even heard the breaking of my neck. My consciousness, it sort of stayed asleep? I knew at one point, I wanted to open my eyes and found that I couldn't. All I saw was a sort of black void but I knew could see beyond a horizon of sorts. Idunno. I can probably compare it to seeing through closed eyes.

Franziska: Yes, I see we are making progress. Eyes that aren't open are indeed closed.

Maya: Looks like the author isn't completely sure about it yet.

Franziska: It's easy to put to the test. Just take a picture of yourself with your eyes closed, and one before opening them. We can wait.

Phoenix: Better not. The fic is already dragging.
Look, it's all very strange. I can't give you a good description. I'm not as poetic as Mr. Edgeworth, ha ha!
After a while, just being consciousness, I realized I was dead. I mean, it felt like I was in a permanent dream.
Then I just stopped forcing my eyes open.

Maya: I thought his eyes were closed.
From there, I occasionally see scenes. Not sure if they were memories or glimpses of the world I left behind or whatever.

Phoenix: So they were closed? And now they're open? Or closed? I... I don't know anymore.

Well, I do remember seeing sis being taken away by a stretcher.

Edgeworth: Apparently moving by itself.
I also remember Mr. Edgeworth talking to the coroner. There was also that detective, Gumshoe was it? I saw him going through sis and my house while it was in disarray.

Phoenix: I'd love to see the look on his face when he found the random body parts on the wall and in the attic.

Edgeworth: If he noticed them at all. This is detective Gumshoe we're talking about.

Phoenix: Okay, good point.

Maya: Why is Lang's spirit still in the house? He was outside when he died. Did he get back inside to get a salami sandwich?
And I remember seeing an ash-viewing ceremony and my mother being comforted by sis.

Phoenix: You mean his mother who gave him the murder weapon?

Maya: And why is he still there? I could understand following Franziska, but watching his own ashes being displayed and burried? And hanging out in his house for no reason? His afterlife must be really boring.

I've been wondering something for a while now, Mr. Wright. Why did you take sis's case?

Phoenix: Oh, okay, I can answer this question. Because I'm pretty sure Edgeworth would have hurt me if I had refused to defend her.

Franziska: I agree. He does have his troubles keeping his nose out of other people's business.

Edgeworth: Are you trying to tell me something, Franziska?

Franziska: Not at all.
Even I knew I got stabbed when the only person in front of me before I died was her. It's practically a closed case.

You lawyers are really something else, heh. Perhaps truth in court does have its merits after all. *snicker*
I'll miss sis. Tell her she'd be glad to know she was the only woman for me until my death.

Phoenix: Uhm, I think she can recognize her own feelings about that without needing me to tell her. Also, just telling her "by the way, you would now be glad" won't automatically make her glad. It'll probably just annoy her. Or make her really, really mad at me. And he didn't even say that she was the only woman for him, he just said that she would be glad to know that.
Mr. Wright, I know you'll take care of sis for me, won't you? You and Edgeworth. She runs with her own pack and I'd say she made a good choice including you two.

Phoenix: And I think she would like to have a say in this as well.

Maya: She's still sitting here, listening to you narrating her point of view, you know?

Phoenix: Er...

Franziska: No, go ahead. It's very satisfying to see you take the view of a reasonable person for a change. It shows me that you can, in fact, think logically.

Um, if I could ask you a favor though…please tell sis to clean up the sock drawer in my stead. I may have neglected that household chore when we were living together. She really hates it when I forget but I get away with it sometimes because she doesn't check as regularly as she should. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Maya: Now he's just trying to piss her off.

Phoenix: If fic-me is dumb enough to deliver that message, he deserves to be whipped.

Franziska: Now you see how it is for me talking to you, don't you?

Phoenix: I'm not that stupid.

Edgeworth: No, but you are that oblivious.

Well, this is it for me. As long as you tell sis about that sock drawer, it should be okay.

Please don't call for me anymore. It's weird enough that I know I'm dead and yet not, but to be called into a body of a young girl? This is too much, even for me, ha ha ha ha!

Maya: That ungrateful jerk!

Franziska: Don't listen to his rude comments. It's obvious that he only wants attention at this point.

Phoenix: He didn't even check, or he would have noticed that the body changes during the channelling. It's the hair and the clothes that stay the same.

Maya: I bet my hair looks better than his anyway!
Good bye, Mr. Wright.
Author's Note:
"nai nai": grandmother from father's side (Mandarin Chinese)
"Fai": means "first" in some dialect in Chinese (sorry! I only looked it up in :( )

Edgeworth: Stop being lazy, author! If you can't be bothered to do your research, at least finish your excuse.

Phoenix: At least they seemed to feel bad about it. Look at that sad emoticon.
Pardon any OOCness of Lang here. He is admittedly difficult to write. He's like Phoenix but not, haha. (not to mention, I've never written for Phoenix before yet :()

Phoenix: I think I'll keep it that way. I can't think of anything I would want this author to write for me. And I'll ignore that comment comparing me to this egotistic werewolf guy.
Franziska opened the sock drawer and found not a thing of its original contents were out of place. What greeted her though was a conspicuous small black envelope with a garish gold dragon on it. It had the faint musk of the man who wrote it.

Phoenix: Um...ew?

Maya: Definitely ew.

Franziska: How... how did he even get it in there?

Edgeworth: I'd rather not know the details.
She did her best to hold back tears when she inspected the envelope's contents

Phoenix: Yeah, I would cry, too. Just opening that envelope would gross me out.
and saw the familiar writing.
"Practically perfect in every way. Just how you like it, sis. Just how you are, Franziska.

Phoenix: *whispering in Maya's direction* Is he comparing her to his musk?

Maya: *whispering back* I think he is. And "just how you like it"? That sounds like he's expecting her to make a cocktail out of it, or have it for breakfast or something. That's gross.

Franziska: What are the two of you whispering about?

Maya: Ah! W-we, um, j-just wondered how much longer the fic is.
Now you can't say I didn't ever rearrange the sock drawer, ha ha!"
She thought of the sock drawer

Edgeworth: She's standing right in front of it. There is no thinking required.
and the many memories she had with him whenever she found out he didn't arrange their contents properly.

Maya: That's the one thing she remembers about him? I hope when I die some day, I won't be remembered as "the girl who didn't do dishes".
It was comforting and it was sad. She let a tear escape her.
"Don't beat yourself up, okay? Lang Zi says: 'Even the strongest and most prepared alpha cannot hope to win any battle against the fickle elements of nature.' There was nothing we could do, in all honesty. I was expecting my demise any day now. But promise me this: don't ever blame yourself about the worst that could happen, for my sake and yours."
She let a couple more tears fall.

Phoenix: Because that's how tears work, right? You just drop them like eggs from a torn grocery bag.

Edgeworth: ...When and where?

Phoenix: *mumbles* Last Thursday on the stairs to my apartment. How did you know?
That infuriating, handsome, adorable, arrogant, wolfish, wonderful ex-agent

Phoenix: Make up your mind already!
was still pulling her heartstrings from beyond the grave! What a mysterious madness this thing called "love" is.
"Shi-Long Lang says: 'I was lucky I made it just in time to meet you.'

Franziska: Franziska von Karma says: 'What a foolish fool who puts his foolishly foolish words into quotes'.

Phoenix: (Did she just do that deliberately?)
You did good, sis. You have my word about that. You will do just as well, even greater maybe, though I may be gone by the time you read this."

Phoenix: Right, he "may" be. Or maybe she could have found it by accident while scrambling through his socks. That would have been embarrassing.
Why does he always know exactly what to say to me?

Edgeworth: We don't know, author.
She was thinking this by herself but it seemed to stick more when she read it off of his note, imagining it in his voice.

Phoenix: She imagines him asking her how an undefined male person knows what to say to him? Is she shipping him with someone? Me? Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Keep me out of this!

Maya: Maybe the author is male, and ships himself with Lang?

Franziska: He must have a questionable taste, then.
How long had he known? How long was he prepared for it?
"Don't wait for your time to end, okay? My time may be up but yours isn't.
Thanks for showing me a hidden truth I had about me. I hope I did the same.
I'll miss you.
- Shi-Long Lang"

Maya: Why does he sign with his full name? I thought they were close.

Phoenix: Maybe her verbal tic is contagious. *whipcrack* Oww!

Edgeworth: When will you ever learn?

Maya: At least you still have your binoculars.

Phoenix: Don't remind her!
On the back of the note was a picture. It was one of the few candid moments caught by Kay's camera that Franziska didn't literally burn up and throw out.

Maya: Huh? Why did they have a picture from Kay's camera?

Phoenix: Sounds to me as though they had the whole collection, not just one picture.

Edgeworth: My best guess is that Kay somehow got their adress and proceeded to spam them with pictures as her idea of a hilarious prank.
More like she couldn't because Kay had the picture for the longest time and Lang revealed it to her only months ago.
"We were almost going to get married, you know?"
Franziska stared intently at the picture of Shi-Long Lang and herself. In it, her back was to the camera but her head was turned around.

Phoenix: (Did she vomit pea soup at the camera, too?)
At that moment, Lang greeted her cheek with a playful kiss and then Kay snapped her camera.

Maya: Is Kay a paparazzo? I thought she was something like a cat burglar.

Edgeworth: Not exactly. But she thinks of herself as something vaguely similar to it.
She silently memorized his face and the ticklish memory of that day. Her heart swelled and it flowed out to her throat and her eyes.

Maya: That's kind of gross.

Phoenix: This author has a serious problem with imagery. You can tell what they're trying to say, but they fail so bad that the mental images I get from it just keep getting more and more disturbing. Not to mention unappetizing.
"I-I.." *sigh* "This is very difficult…"
Her voice choked and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Phoenix: Who is she talking to?
Her companion

Franziska: Apparently the author is still trying to decide.

Edgeworth: Either that, or unable to remember the person's name - and too lazy to look it up.
approached her and offered his handkerchief.

Maya: Well, at least we know it's a guy. Any bets?

Phoenix: Edgeworth.

Franziska: Self-insert.

Edgeworth: Just to go with this author's sense of logic and in-characterness, how about Cody Hackins?
"Here. You don't need to say anything if you can't. I understand. I've been there."
She took it and wiped her eyes. She gathered all her strength to look up at her companion.

Maya: And Cody is out!
She tried to push back her tears before facing the man she went to his house with.

Phoenix: Er... if this is a self insert, I don't think I want to know where it's going.
She wouldn't let anyone else see her cry like this. No one else saw her cry before, except Lang and Miles.
"Let's get you cleaned up so we can finalize these papers, okay?"
She silently nodded her head and proceeded to use the bathroom to wash her face.
Her companion looked around the bedroom once shared by Lang and Franziska.

Phoenix: Waitwaitwait! A few sentences earlier, the fic said that they're at her mysterious "companion"'s house. Then why is the bedroom...? Or wait, is her companion Lang? Did he reincarnate somehow?

Maya: Maybe I'm still channelling him? Oh! I know! He said that his house should be given back to his family. Maybe he had a brother who inherited the house, and the brother is her new boyfriend.

Edgeworth: That would be a little bit too plot-convenient, don't you think?
He spied a drawer left ajar and inspected it. He saw it contained a whip with black and gold trims.

Phoenix: No, don't say anything! Let me guess: That's what Lang was going to give to her in lieu of a wedding ring.
He noticed the shimmering effect in the leather braid because of some golden threads interwoven into it. The handle was well-taken care of and gleamed majestically despite its black color. Upon closer inspection, he noticed a draconic pattern printed onto the leather wrapping the handle and a wolf-head symbol on the end knot for a dramatic effect.

Franziska: I can't say that I care for this tacky design.
"It certainly is something beautiful. He knew I liked beautiful things."

Franziska: You can protest all you want, but it's not going to change my mind.
"Well, it certainly is something. A present, I take it?"

Phoenix: And we still don't know who this guy is.
Her companion gave her a small smile. She smiled at the happy memory it brought up.
"Phoenix Wright, I can't properly thank you enough for this."

Phoenix: Wha- Meeeeeeeeeeeeee?!

Franziska: What foolish fool of a fool...?!

Edgeworth: Of course...

Maya: Nick? Seriously? ...And why do you have a house? Why do you have this house? A-are you a werewolf, too?
She held herself and sat down on the bed. Phoenix looked a bit worried as she might break down again.

Phoenix: I'm worried alright... worried about this author's sanity.
"It is difficult, I suppose? The first few days, and being there the moment it happened. I miss him already. I miss his warmth and his affection. I miss his presence. My heart-!"
She clutched her chest.

Maya: Okay, now they're just cramming in random clichés for the heck of it.
Phoenix broke out in a cold sweat and prepared himself to catch her might she lose herself at any moment.

Phoenix: She's sitting on the bed! What am I going to do, dive under her?

Maya: That would be one lazy excuse for a make-out scene we haven't seen yet.

Franziska: Hopefully we'll be lucky enough to be spared by my fictional self's sudden death.
"Yes? What about your heart? Are you alright, Franziska?"
Her head hung low and she nodded slowly.
"It's alright. I'm fine, really. My heart just suddenly felt so cold.

Edgeworth: Hearts do not work that way.

Maya: Unless an evil surgeon cuts you up in your sleep and dumps a bucket of ice cubes in your chest.

Edgeworth: That would kill you.

Maya: Oh.
I'm not experiencing any sort of cardiac disease, mind you. It really feels all icy and restless inside. I feel … like a part of me is missing."

Maya: Oh, oh! But what if the evil surgeon just took out her organs and turned her into a zombie, like her friends in the attic?

Phoenix: Sometimes I worry about you, you know.
Phoenix smiled a little. He got up and handed her the beautiful whip.

Phoenix: "He spent the next three days sobbing over the painful consequences of his own stupidness."
He then gathered up the papers for the transferral of ownership and properties and then prepared to leave the room.

Edgeworth: So the house hasn't changed owners yet, and you're the one in charge of the inheritance? And I suppose you just claimed it as your own for the time being?

Phoenix: Sure, why not? It's just so much work to invent a new character instead of filling the minor roles with main characters. We can't have effort, now, can we?
Franziska's gaze followed him.
"I'll go make some tea for you. We can finish this paperwork when you feel like it. In the meantime, let me know if there's anything else I can do for you."

Phoenix: Why am I kissing up to her so desperately? What am I hoping to achieve by that? And there's no way "anything else" will be a good thing, no matter if they go with the realistic or the, uh, other option.
She attempted to smile gratuitously

Franziska: Of course I do. I may not smile constantly, but I wouldn't go as far as to charge for it.

Edgeworth: Yes, and while I agree that your sudden exuberance in this chapter is unjustified, the same does not apply to attempted facial expressions.
but she wasn't confident her message got across. Nonetheless, Phoenix left her to her thoughts. Tea was a good idea to start with. Something warm will help calm down her inner feelings of coldness and loneliness.
It was the kind of sensation that made her want to accept any sort of human contact be it a pat on the head, a brush of the shoulder or even a touch of the hand.

Maya: Uh-oh! Looks like the werewolf curse has infected her. I think she just transformed into a fluffy puppy.

Phoenix: I have to say, the thought of her standing there waiting for a pat is kind of cu-... -she's about to whip me, isn't she?

Franziska: ...

Phoenix: Forget I said anything.
And the nearest possible source of that was Phoenix Wright, presently her lawyer. She fought back all thoughts of asking him such a foolish favor to hold her hand. She is a grown woman

Edgeworth: Past or present tense, author? Which shall it be?
and she decided that she must accept the sorrow for what it is but not allow it to cloud her judgement in any way. Lang said so himself that she should be as she has always been: strong.

Franziska: It seems as though the author got exhausted near the end, and their grammar suffered.
For now, she decided it was okay to let the sorrow wash over her. Awash with all the memories she had with Shi-Long Lang, she cradled the black whip and closed her eyes. She fell asleep with a couple of tears staining her face.

Phoenix: Larry would have loved this. He would probably talk about how emotional and romantic it all is.

Edgeworth: Yes, I can practically hear him right now. And then Franziska would rip him to shreds.

Franziska: With gusto.
She'll get by, she knew. Just not yet. Not today at least.
Phoenix returned with her cup of tea and saw that his client had taken to slumber. He quietly looked through the nearest closet

Phoenix: Does fic-me have nothing better to do than to rummage through other people's closets? And without making sure it's not a trap?
and found a black jacket with golden patterns and white fur lining the inside. From his research, he knew this was Lang's choice of jacket to wear.

Franziska: The "white fur" is actually on the outsight. And only for decorational purposes.

Maya: Yeah, I mean fur inside a leather jacket? That would get really hot and uncomfortable. They're not living at the North Pole.

Franziska: Suffice to say the fur would not remain white for very long.
He picked it out and carefully covered Franziska's sleeping form with it. She pulled its sleeves around her. He smiled a sad smile and let Franziska dream of her precious memories.

[The fic ends, the screen turns black.]

Franziska: Well, that was... anticlimactic, I'd say.

Maya: You could totally tell they were going for a pairing at the end, but then it didn't happen. I wonder why...

Edgeworth: The epilogue as a whole seemed a bit rushed. Almost as though it was written by a different person.

Maya: I guess we'll never know.


Phoenix: So... a-are we going down now?

Speakers: Of course. Just a moment, please.

Maya: You know, I think this punishment really wasn't so bad. After all, they helped you with the binoculars and all.

Edgeworth: Now that you mention it, it does seem like a relatively mild punishment.

Speakers: Huh? What? Oh, did we forget to tell you?

Phoenix: Tell us what?

Speakers: Oops... we're very sorry. Of course, the height is not the only thing this tower can do. See, it actually has been altered so that we can spin it faster! If one of you had broken the rules again, we would have increased the speed.

Phoenix: (Increased...speed...?)

Maya: Really? You can do that? Can I see?

Speakers: Haha, sure thing~ Hold on tight now!

Phoenix: WHAT?! N-NO, WAI-

[The tower suddenly starts spinning very fast, almost knocking our sporkers from their seats and throwing binoculars, leftovers and other small items across the room]

Maya: Wow, so cool! Hey, Nick! I can see your house from here! There it goes again! And again!

Phoenix: Mayaaaaaa, pleeeeaaaase!! *clings to his seat with all of his might*

[The tower slows down and starts to decline]

Franziska: That was quite impressive.

Phoenix: (...Help me!)

Edgeworth: L-let's not do it again.

Maya: Whoa, are you guys okay?

-> I had a bit of trouble deciding what I wanted to do with Franziska. I finally decided to keep her relatively happy because to be fair, this fic had a lot of "so bad it's good" potential from her point of view.
Edgeworth not reacting to the height problem (and Phoenix commenting on it) is, of course, a little cheeky reference to the inconsistencies within the games, where he seems to have a problem with relatively minor heights, but not with major ones. (If this were TVtropes, someone would probably point out that this is a case of Truth In Television).

Author:  rayquazapk2 [ Sun Aug 18, 2013 12:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I figured I'd give sporking a shot, seeing as some of these are utterly brilliant. I've decided to start with...

Give it Time and You'll be Fine

One Sawit :sawit:
This fic isn't bad at all, there's just some minor OOC'ness that ruins it a bit. It's quite short, and luckily doesn't contain anything bad at all.

Todays sporkers are...

Hobo Phoenix :hobohodo:
Let's hope this isn't too bad.

Trucy Wright :minuki:
Yay, I'm in this one!

And Maya Fey :maya:
Nick? Why are you wearing that silly hat?

Begin Sporking!

[It's a nice sunny day, but unfortunately this doesn't matter in the sporking theater. Maya Fey is led in to the theater by one of Lang's men.]

Maya: Ok, I'll see you on tuesday! Oh hey, looks like I'm not the only one here!

Phoenix: Oh, hi Maya.

Trucy: Daddy, should Maya be here at all?

Phoenix: Best not to think about it too much Trucy-doll.

Maya: Phoenix? Is that you? What's with the silly clothes?

Phoenix: It's been a long time, hasn't it? I'll have to catch you up after this. Although, you'll probably go back to your own timeline.

Maya: Wait, are you future Nick? That is so cool! Did you get that time travelling fur coat? I told you it was real! Can you take me to the future?

Phoenix: Maya, I may be from the future, but time travelling fur coats do not exist! I just think that the laws of space and time are nullified in here.

Trucy: Daddy's told me so much about you Maya! Is it true you ate more than 3 people?

Maya: Nick! What have you been telling her? And who is she anyway? Tell me, future Nick!

Phoenix: Oh right. This is my daughter, Trucy. Trucy, this is Maya. But you can introduce yourselves later. The movies starting.

Trucy: There's no snacks... or a script.... or barf bags! Is that a good thing?

Maya: Do you even need barf bags in the future?

Give it Time and You'll be Fine

Phoenix: I've been in here for a long time, and I'm definitely not fine.

Author: Lex Lexa

Maya: Lex Lexa? That sounds like a secret agent's name! Hey, you and Lex Lexa would make a great team, future Nick! Like James Bond and his glamorous assistant! Except James Bond was cool...

Phoenix: Hey, I'm cool! Tell her I'm cool Trucy-doll!

Trucy: But daddy, you told me never to lie!

Maya: Are you raising her to be me Nick? She certainly has my adorable charm!

Phoenix: (And she has your knack for insulting me as well.)

A week later after Phoenix has taken Trucy in, he finds himself at his wits end and calls a friend for help.

Maya: I knew you couldn't cope without me, past Nick! I hope you're better than present Nick, future Nick!

Phoenix: Hey, past Maya wasn't the most independent person you know. And don't get me started on future Maya!

Maya: What's wrong with future me? Tell me future Nick, so there can be a better future Maya!

Phoenix: I wouldn't want to ruin the space-time continuum.

Phoenix ran to the door, in relief at the sound of the door bell.

Maya: Wow, one week without me and already future Nick is being relieved by his door bell!

Trucy: Haha, you never told me Maya was so funny daddy!

Phoenix: (Remind me to never let her take after Maya in some aspects.)

Maya: See future Nick, somebody appreciates my great humour!

There she was, slightly blushing, struggling to hold her suitcase.

Maya: Wow, this 'she' is so weak! I'll bet future me can lift 100 suitcases, with ease!

"I'm so sorry, I should have met you downstairs..." he said regretfully, taking the over night bag from her grasp.

Trucy: I never knew you let strange girls sleep over at our apartment daddy! Why won't you let me have sleepovers?

Phoenix: You're far too young for that, Trucy-doll.

Maya: You're such a spoilsport, future Nick! You make present and past Nicks look nice!

Phoenix: H...hey! I was nice. I still am, right Trucy-doll?

Trucy: ...

Maya was a little flustered but she smiled gently up at him, "No problem, where is she?"

Maya: Wait, Ms. "Can't-even-lift-a-suitcase" is me?

Phoenix: Haha, you never were the strongest girl Maya.

Maya: H..hey! And anyway, why am I smiling up at you? I'm not that much shorter than you! Right future Nick?

Phoenix: No comment.

Maya: You're so mean, future Nick...

"In her room, probably tearing it apart as we speak" the former attorney sighed, leading Maya into the living area. It looked the same as it always had, Steel Samurai DVDs piled up next to the television, law journals shoved thoughtlessly into bookcases... Maya sighed, you would still think a bachelor lived here rather than a father.

Maya: See? I've told you 100 times to clean the apartment, and now future me agrees!

Phoenix: This 'future you' is fictional, Maya. And anyway, I was probably too busy with Trucy to clean up!

Trucy: Hey, I wasn't that bad daddy!

Maya: Yeah, and besides, future Nick probably had plenty of time to clean up! You're... you will be so lazy future Nick!

Trucy: *giggles*

Phoenix: (Well, at least I know how to cheer her up when she's sad now.)

Although she could hear the screaming from the next room, Maya delicately took off her scarf, folded it neatly before resting it on the sofa.

Phoenix: Nice to know that in my time of crisis, you find the time to neatly fold your scarf, but every other time you came round you were content to haphazardly throw it on the floor.

Maya: Hey, don't get mad at me, get mad at future me!

Phoenix: You're really loving this time paradox thing aren't you?

Maya: Present me loves it!

Catching her stares at the room, Phoenix jumped to his own defence, "I'm so sorry, its a mess in here, I haven't had much time to clean up, she's only been here a week... everything was fine at first but now-"

Phoenix: See, future me did clean up! Or... past me, I guess. This is confusing.

Maya: What I want to know is who this other 'she' is? Maybe you got a girlfriend, future Nick?

Phoenix: One who is crying in her room, and has messed up my entire apartment?

Maya: Well, you did date Dahlia Hawthorne, I wouldn't put it past future you!

Phoenix: I doubt this fic-girlfriend will try to kill me.

Trucy: Daddy, who's Dahlia?

Phoenix: Trust me, Trucy-doll, you do NOT want to know.

Trucy: Aww....

"Nick," she gently took him by the elbow, "its fine, don't worry, you've got a lot on your plate right now"

Maya: Wow, future you even needs future me to walk him around! What happened to you, future Nick?

Phoenix: Urgh....

Trucy: Daddy, are you ok?

His shoulders dropped, finally relaxing a little, "Thank you... Maya, I-" he couldn't help but hesitate when their eyes met, it had really been a long time.

Maya: Future Nick, why did you abandon future Maya? Apologise to future Maya! Or present Maya will be really angry with future you!

Phoenix: It's a long story, past Maya. I'll tell future you someday.

Maya: Present me can't wait!

Phoenix felt compelled to make things right, despite the urgent situation, "Everything's gone so wrong and I hate how we left things, I just-"

Maya: Aha, I knew it was your fault, future Nick! You did something, and then you realised you needed future me! Haha!

Phoenix: You know, you can stop with the future thing. It's getting annoying.

Maya: Why so serious, future Nick?

Phoenix: Urgh...

"Nick..." she repeated quietly, she averted his gaze and looked down. Phoenix couldn't help himself but continue to look down at Maya, she was still beautiful, she was not wearing her usual yukata, she dressed casually but cute.

Maya: Hey, you're such a future pervert, future you! Stop looking down on future Maya's future... breasts. *Slap*

Phoenix: H...hey! It's fic-future-me that's the pervert, not real-future-me!

Trucy: Daddy, why did you break up with Maya?

Phoenix: We didn't date!

Maya: You better not date future me, future nick!

Phoenix: I didn't have any intention to!

A ditsy printed dress with a little denim jacket. Guessing she was in a rush when she left, her hair was pulled up in a messy bun, instead of her usual top knot. She put her finger to her lips and winked, "Not now"

Maya: Don't flirt with future Nick, future Maya!

Phoenix: Great. A pointless romantic subplot.

Trucy: Don't you love daddy, past Maya?

Phoenix:(Ack, first Pearls, now my own daughter. Does everyone want me and Maya to be together?)

He shook his head, "I'm sorry, I think I'm starting to not hear the screaming..." He continued talking as he followed Maya down the hall to Trucy's bedroom. "We've come to a Mexican stand off, she's barely slept or eaten for nearly two days and she won't take a bath..."


Phoenix: *rubs his ears* Hey, what was that for?

Maya: I was just checking you can hear the screaming, future Nick.

Phoenix: Urgh...

Maya: So, I guess this 'girlfriend' is Trucy?

Phoenix: Maya, could you rephrase that please?

Maya: ?

Trucy: I wasn't as bad as fic-me! I took regular baths! And I ate. But I had every reason to be sad, considering, you know...

Phoenix: I know, Trucy Doll. Come here and give me a hug!

Maya: Can I join?

Phoenix: ...Fine.

Maya slowly crept into the doorway of the box room, it was bare and unwelcoming.

Phoenix: You can stop hugging me now.

Maya: *squeezes tighter*

Trucy: *squeezes tighter*

Phoenix: (Well, nice to know that they like me, at the very least. But, it's starting to hurt...)

She would definitely be dragging him shopping for this little girl tomorrow.

Phoenix: Hey, the room wasn't that bare anyway, not so bare that you needed to go shopping for her!

Maya: *stops hugging* I'll believe that when it happens to me!

Phoenix: Or doesn't happen to you.

Maya entered the room with caution. "Hi there..." she gave a gentle smile, the little girl paused, staring in surprise at the pretty lady in front of her. "I'm Maya, what's your name?" she asked, crouching down.

Phoenix: Maya, you better not have a crush on my daughter.

Maya: W..whoah! It's only fic-me that think's she's pretty! And... she's like... 8 in this!

Phoenix: Hey, I have to be a responsible parent!

Maya: I didn't know you could be responsible!

Trucy: Daddy, you're embarrassing me!

Phoenix: *laughs*

The look of surprise turned to curiosity, the eight year old put her hand to her mouth, "My name is Trucy..."

Phoenix: "And then the little girl said "Wow, you look weird, and you're nowhere near as cool as my daddy, Phoenix Wright!""

Maya: You really shouldn't take up fanfiction writing. And anyway, I do NOT look weird, future Nick!

Phoenix: No, but future you does!

Maya: Hey, don't insult future me! Or present me! Or past me!

"Wow! That's a cool name, right?" Maya began cheerfully, "I heard you're looking after my friend Nick for me?"

Maya: Wow, after I left, an 8-year old had to look after you? Future Nick sucks!

Trucy: *giggles*

Phoenix: Fic-future-me sucks. Not the real me!

Maya: Same difference!

She slowly nodded, looking up at Phoenix and back down to Maya in awe, blushing.

Phoenix: Trucy, why are you looking up at me, and then blushing?

Trucy: Daddy! I...I...

Phoenix: *laughs*

"Thank you very much, Trucy, I was really worried about him" she held out her hand to Trucy, hoping she would take it. A few tears of relief escaped as Phoenix's heart began to melt. There was a reason he called her, she just had this way with children.

Maya: They should make a game about me, it'd be called "Maya Fey: Ace Nanny". It'd be so much cooler than your game!

Speakers: The management would like to remind Ms. Fey that breaking the fourth wall is not allowed.

Maya: Hmph. You're no fun...

Trucy took her hand, "He says I should sleep, have a bath and eat but he doesn't either..." she said in a loud whisper.

Maya: Future Nick! You didn't eat or sleep or take a bath? Wow, you really need future me!

Phoenix: Maya, this isn't real!

Maya: Or so you say, future Nick.

Trucy: *giggles*

Phoenix jumped and peered into the doorway, "Tattle..."

Phoenix: Yeah Maya, why would you be such a tattle?

Maya pulled the little girl towards her and took her by the shoulders, "Is that right? Well I'm here now, so you don't have to worry about Nick any more, he's definitely going to do doing all those things starting from now!" she smiled and picked up Trucy. "Now shall we get you guys in the bath?"

Maya: What am I, your mother?

Phoenix: Of course not! You couldn't take care of a child if you were paid to!

Maya: Yes I could!

Phoenix: No you couldn't!

Maya: Could.

Phoenix: Couldn't

Maya: Could.

Phoenix: Couldn't

Trucy: Sometimes I forget how old daddy is! He's more like a child!

Trucy looked up at the exhausted man over Maya's shoulder and smiled, "Okay!"

Phoenix: You can be exhausting at times, Trucy-doll.

Trucy: H...hey!

Phoenix: (Not as exhausting as Maya though.)

With excitement, Trucy jumped down and ran into the bathroom, Maya began to follow her but she suddenly felt her hand being grabbed. "Thank you, Maya... I don't deserve your help, I know that..." Phoenix's head was bowed, attempting to control his sobs, he didn't know what else to do but just continue to squeeze her hand. Maya squeezed it back and quickly wiped his tears away, her grip lingering on his cheek.

Maya: Quick, future Nick! Prepare the future barf bags, from the future!

Phoenix: Don't worry, it doesn't get any worse than this.

Maya: I hope not...

She gave him a reassuring smile, "Get it together mister, your a daddy now."

Maya: Yeah future Nick, you're a daddy now!

Phoenix: Yeah, "you're a daddy", not "your a daddy".

[The lights come back on]

Maya: Well, that wasn't so bad.

Trucy: Could've been worse, right daddy?

Phoenix: That's true, Trucy-doll.

Maya: So, time to get back to our own timelines, eh future Nick?

Phoenix: Yep. I'm just gonna grab my coat.

Maya: Aha! You DO have a time travelling fur coat!

Phoenix: Maya?

Maya: Yes, future Nick?

Phoenix: Just drop it.

[The three of them leave the theatre, with Maya still moaning about Phoenix's refusal to buy her a fur coat.]

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:38 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Ooh, very nice spork there, rayqua.
The in-theater timeline is indeed screwed up, and has been showing signs of this for a while now.
(Normally I would remind you that Maya and hobo Nick have sporked together before, but due to the time issue, there's actually a very good excuse for them not remembering the other in this case. Since I have plans for where the time screws will eventually lead, this is very good for me, too. :))

I'm not that familiar with the AJ characters, so I can't say how in-character they were, but Maya looks good to me and from how other sporkers have written the two, hobo Nick and Trucy seem to be consistent with their other performances, too (aside from the aforementioned memory loss).

It's also nice to see the management reminding them of the rules again (call me weird, I just really like the management).

Author:  Builderkid107 [ Sat Sep 07, 2013 6:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I was just re-reading some of my favorites (The ones with the AJ characters are amazing.)
When I noticed this:
Ema: (glares at Kristoph) Excuse me! The fop and I are NOT dating, thank you very much! I'd sooner go out with a porcupine than him!

Its a conspiracy...

Was that intentional?

Author:  electragurl [ Sat Sep 07, 2013 11:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hello everyone!

I know I'm not very experienced, or credible, but I've been following this thread and laughed really hard at a lot of them. I've been thinking of doing a sporking that okay? I've read over the guidelines and everything but I just want to check that there's no hidden requirements...or stuff like that...

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Sun Sep 08, 2013 12:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Sure, more sporks are always welcome. Just please don't spork the Ace Attorney Christmas Carol, because I'm already working on that. (If somebody else is working on something as well, they'll probably let you know so you know what to avoid.)

Also, a quick reminder for everyone about a few important details that are easily forgotten (I know because I had to make a list, I forgot some of them myself):

-There are at least five seats in a row (taking this from one of Asa Turney's fanarts), and there are several rows of seats (like in a regular, very small movie theater).

-The projector can not be touched by the sporkers, but they sometimes get a script to prepare themselves.

-The sporkers see the fic as a text, but also as a movie (so they see pictures implied by the fic). Don't ask me how it works. Magic.

-When regular Phoenix drinks (too much) grape juice, he turns into hobo Phoenix. To turn him back, just sober him up.

-Sporkers are generally aware of the games and their continuity, and also official artwork and their existance as sprites - in fact, they can even evolve new sprites (Phoenix did this in the second spork when things were going extraordinarily bad).

-When Edgeworth's truth bar runs out, he collapses. (Kay has a continue button to revive him.)

-Phoenix has now an intense fear of Jerk!Maya caused by the trauma of a punishment where he was forced to experience a fic "live".

Author:  Builderkid107 [ Sun Sep 08, 2013 7:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

-Phoenix has now an intense fear of Jerk!Maya caused by the trauma of a punishment where he was forced to experience a fic "live".


I don't even.

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Sun Sep 08, 2013 3:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Yeah, that was the original thread creator's punishment after I did something bad and she had to correct the sporkers' behavior.
You can read the spork here: ... &p=8906733 (includes epic Evil Neni cameo) ... &p=8906735

Author:  Builderkid107 [ Sun Sep 08, 2013 7:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
Yeah, that was the original thread creator's punishment after I did something bad and she had to correct the sporkers' behavior.
You can read the spork here: ... &p=8906733 (includes epic Evil Neni cameo) ... &p=8906735

You mean when Phoenix turned into HoboPhoenix after drinking the grape juice, or when Ema became MoodyEma?
That moment with Mia was gold though...
:phoenix: She looks older now, I think its those snacks that are doing it to her...

:mia: Snacks? Is that why she looks like a moody 20-something?

*Looks at snack, then at Ema, then down at self, and then back at snacks*

:mia: Is my strange addiction to candy during my college years connected to my being uncomfortable in this Kimura?

:phoenix: Not that kind of growth, Mia...

(Or something to that affect, I'm to lazy to find it again, If you do, correct me.)

Author:  electragurl [ Sun Sep 08, 2013 9:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Has anyone done this one yet?

From what I can tell, there hasn't been a sporking of this yet, and I was thinking of doing it. :jazzedgy:

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Sun Sep 08, 2013 10:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

@builderkid: I don't remember the scene you're quoting, sorry. :/
But what do you mean by "You mean when Phoenix turned into HoboPhoenix after drinking the grape juice, or when Ema became MoodyEma?"
I don't see the connection to my post (sorry if I'm missing something obvious, it's late and my brain is already half asleep.)

@electragirl: It says that fic is all fresh, from end of August this year, so nobody could have sporked it yet. :)
Newly written fics are generally the safest to spork if you (or anybody else) aren't sure what has been done, and don't have the time or energy to check all the previous sporks. So knock yourself out! :D

Author:  Builderkid107 [ Sun Sep 08, 2013 11:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
@builderkid: I don't remember the scene you're quoting, sorry. :/
But what do you mean by "You mean when Phoenix turned into HoboPhoenix after drinking the grape juice, or when Ema became MoodyEma?"
I don't see the connection to my post (sorry if I'm missing something obvious, it's late and my brain is already half asleep.)

@electragirl: It says that fic is all fresh, from end of August this year, so nobody could have sporked it yet. :)
Newly written fics are generally the safest to spork if you (or anybody else) aren't sure what has been done, and don't have the time or energy to check all the previous sporks. So knock yourself out! :D

Well, I don't remember the sporks name, but the fic was so bad, Nick started drinking Grape juice and was growing a stubble and being snarky. Ema was turning into 20-something Ema because she was eating Snackoos. Its from the old thread...

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Mon Sep 09, 2013 12:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I did save the link where he transforms during the spork, yes, by drinking grape juice. But I don't remember if Ema changed, too. She was there for the spork, but I don't remember it very well. ... try8843397

Author:  blahmoomoo [ Mon Sep 09, 2013 12:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
I did save the link where he transforms during the spork, yes, by drinking grape juice. But I don't remember if Ema changed, too. She was there for the spork, but I don't remember it very well. ... try8843397

Bahaha, for anybody who hasn't read that spork yet, go read it NOW. I forgot how silly it was. The fic itself was too.

Ema doesn't change in that one, but Phoenix does.

Author:  Builderkid107 [ Mon Sep 09, 2013 2:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

blahmoomoo wrote:
Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
I did save the link where he transforms during the spork, yes, by drinking grape juice. But I don't remember if Ema changed, too. She was there for the spork, but I don't remember it very well. ... try8843397

Bahaha, for anybody who hasn't read that spork yet, go read it NOW. I forgot how silly it was. The fic itself was too.

Ema doesn't change in that one, but Phoenix does.

Ah, theres another one where Ema changes, I was just confuzzled.

Author:  Builderkid107 [ Mon Sep 09, 2013 2:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Well, I figured I should do one of these, does anyone know of any Spork-able stories that are relatively short?

Author:  blahmoomoo [ Mon Sep 09, 2013 3:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

builderkid107 wrote:
Well, I figured I should do one of these, does anyone know of any Spork-able stories that are relatively short?

I suggest looking around here for something. Newer stuff probably hasn't been sporked yet.

Author:  Builderkid107 [ Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

blahmoomoo wrote:
builderkid107 wrote:
Well, I figured I should do one of these, does anyone know of any Spork-able stories that are relatively short?

I suggest looking around here for something. Newer stuff probably hasn't been sporked yet.

I'm gonna need some backup on this one...
So, uh, anyone wanna do a collaboration spork?

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Mon Sep 09, 2013 2:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

If nobody else wants to, I would. But I'm still working on my own spork (it should be done soon), so it would have to wait a bit if we were to do it. Which fic are you planning to spork?

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