...than JK Rowling?

(Credit to the awesome people of LL)


If Harry Potter Book 7 Were Written by Someone OTHER than JK Rowling…


George Lucas - Hagrid lied to Harry. Voldemort didn't kill James Potter... Voldemort IS James Potter. Also, all mentions of Voldemort will be removed and replaced by references to Hayden Christensen.

Hideo Kojima - Close the book right now. Haven't you been reading for long enough already? Also, the 7th Horcrux would be the SEVENTH HARRY POTTER BOOK ITSELF. PARADOX'D.

J.R.R. Tolkien – “And so, Harry son of James son of Godwin son of Arthur son of Harry son of Baldwin son of Richard son of Theoden son of James son of James son of Jonathan son of Bubba did raise his wand, glowing with the fervor of a thousand suns risen and fallen on a thousand worlds, and let a cry escape his lips summoning the thrice-forbidden incantation...” and it sort of goes on like this for another five pages before he actually casts the spell.

Square-Enix - Once Voldemort is finally defeated, it turns out that he wasn't really the evil force behind it all, and Harry & Pals must battle the corporeal form of the hatred that exists in the hearts of human beings, tainted with the corrupting power of magic--but in doing so, they erase all magic from the world, for good. Also, fans would forever argue in "ship wars" over which character should be paired with which.... wait a minute.

Pixar Studios – Exactly the same as before, but featuring 7 new Randy Newman songs!

Quentin Tarantino – Harrykills Voldemort. Then Harry, Ron, and Hermoine spend 300 pages of the book having a normal conversation while using slang and vulgar words. Afterwards, they walk through the castle to some obscure song until they finally reach Voldemort, where the book ends. (Also, the entire twelfth chapter is a reference to the book "Dwarf Rapes Nun; Flees in Ufo.")

M. Night Shyamalan – Harry goes to kill Voldemort, only to realize that he was never a wizard in the first place! Harry is a dog!

Orson Scott Card - Harry, Ron, and Hermione are thrust into a world of political intrigue in which their massive intellects eventually allow them to triumph against their opponents in completely incomprehensible ways. The writer tries incredibly hard to make all the main characters sound intelligent when in fact it's quite clear that the writer doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. At the end, after he shoots Voldemort in the head, Harry gets launched into space.

Joss Whedon - Hermione takes center stage. She gives into her dark side and has the occasional fling with Draco, but she still truly loves good-guy Harry. Ginny's growing misuse of magic leads her down a dark path, and is ultimately the one who defeats Voldemort at his own game. They hang out at the Bronze after all is said and done.

Dr. Seuss – Harry and gang have a wonderful trip. A fantastical, magnificent, superbliful trip! They finally arrive in the Liperstack Zoo, where they dance a jig with the Shufflegaloo. With snick-snacks and roundlies and a Fiddlydort, Harry defeats the dastardly and flastardly Voldemort.

John Madden – So, you have Harry over here, casting a spell on this thing, and then suddenly BOOM the thing grows and turns into a complete different thing! Meanwhile you got that little red headed kid walking around talking to people, and that little girl is complaining no one loves her which is something Brett Favre never has to worry about, because he's the greatest player in the history of football. And then Harry kills Voldemort, and you know he killed Voldemort, because Voldemort is dead.


Brian Michael Bendis –

Harry- "Hey."
Hermione- "Hey."
Harry- "We should probably take care of Voldemort."
Hermione- "We should?"
Harry- "Yeah."
Hermione- "Yeah."
Harry- "I'm not sure how to."
Hermione- "You're not sure?"
Harry- "Yeah."
Hermione- "Yeah"

This continues for 500 pages, then at the end, Voldemort is found out to be a Skrull. An Eight Book is then planned.


R.A. Salvatore - Harry and Ron both fight Voldermort, and Ron is tragically killed in the battle, but he reappears two pages later, apparently with only a flesh wound. Then the tower where the battle is taking place collapses just as Hermione steps onto it, and then she falls to her death. But then they kill Voldermort and find out that Hermione actually got caught on a ledge and never actually died. Then they hear of Voldermort's survival and attempt to defeat him in Harry Potter 8, “Harry Potter and Why My Characters Always Refuse to Actually Die.”


Ayn Rand – Harry gets all emo because people don't like his magic, and burns down Hogwarts, but instead of coming off as emo he's really a misunderstood wizard who doesn't like people conforming to traditional magic. Ron tried hard to be a great wizard, but as Harry's popularity grew, Ron and his normal magic ended up being tossed aside. In the end we realize that Ron should have done the magic that made him happy, not what others wanted him to do. Oh, and Hermione wants Harry to rape her.

Georg Martin – Half of the cast dies, the final 150 pages of the book are cliffhangers for those that survived.

Robert Ludlum – Harry loses his memory, and is stranded in the real world with no idea of how he got there, or what he's capable of. Fifty books later (including 28 after his death) the series is still going, and Harry has realized that he is, in fact, a man.

Martin Scorcese - So, Harry and Ron together plot with Hagrid, and Hagrid has to knock someone. But Hagrid doesn't do it, so then Snape comes and kills Hagrid. So Harry gets pissed and comes for Snape, but Snape's already got a ton of people looking for Harry and Ron, so when they enter Snape's classroom, Ron gets shot. Harry acts quickly and shoots a few before he gets shot. When they walk out of the classroom, Hermione shoots them all. The next day Hermione wakes up and some dude's in her apartment wearing plastic wrap over his shoes, and then he shoots her in the face.

C.S. Lewis - Everything is exactly the same. Except Harry is Jesus and Voldemort is Satan.

K.A Applegate - Hermoine is killed fighting off Death Eaters. After Voldemort is taken to court and inprisoned the characters grow older and emo. Ron lives in the forest until they have to go off into space to rescue Mr. Weasley.

Michael Bay – Harry is replaced by Josh Hartnett. Josh and Hermoine (replaced by Jessica Alba) are forced to make it to Voldemort's (replaced by a giant bug) lair before he can cast his spell which will destroy the world by summoning a giant meteor. In the process, Josh and Jessie cause $14 billion in property damage.

Philip Pullman - Voldemort is actually the Christian God who is actually just a being from a different dimension. Also, all the villains are members of the church that worships said God, and all the heroes are atheists. At the end, Voldemort just melts into dust, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione have to live in different dimensions.

Penthouse Forum - Harry, who has an 8 inch penis, is serviced by all the young women in the school in a single afternoon. Harry doesn't know how it happened, but it was the most amazing day of his life.

Terry Pratchett - Commander Vimes shows up and tries to arrest Voldemort, who kills himself trying to escape. Vetinari promotes him yet again to archgod or something. Harry, Hermione and all the other wizards go to start the first course of the twenty one course banquet held in honour of breakfast time.

Seth Macfarlane – Harry and crew are preparing for Voldemort's attack, when they remember that time they all came to school and got a hooker mixed up with their potions teacher. Then the twins come in, and Ron remembers that time he saw the gum commercial with the two hot twins. Voldemort finally shows up, and he and Harry fight for 72 minutes straight using no magic at all. At the end, they sit down in chairs and breathe heavily for 12 minutes, at which point Harry remarks, "That was tiring! But not as tiring as the time I tried to teach Robin Williams to be patient!"

Dan Brown #1 - There's a secret conspiracy about the TRUE heirs of Salazar Slytherin and Godric Griffindor, and the clue to the mystery is contained by taking the first letter in everything all of the Hogwarts paintings have said in all the books and reversing them to get the secret message.

Brian Jacques - The children of Harry, Ron and Hermione do battle against the wicked, seemingly unstoppable might of the Death Eaters, united under the half-sister of Draco Malfoy, who speaks with a mock German accent. Despite this, the characters and plot are just the same as in Book Six, with only the names changed.

Dan Brown #2 - Harry finds out that everything he knows is a lie and then he and Hermione decide to find the truth and then they find a clue and then they follow up the clue and then they find another clue and then some other stuff happens and then they find out that Voldemort is a descendant of Jesus and the leader of the Illuminati and then they kill him and then that's the end.

Douglas Adams - Harry goes to deliver the final blow to kill Voldemort but he suddenly disappears, turning into a sperm whale on a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse who lives for about 12 seconds pondering his own mortality.

The Castlevania Writing Staff - The 3rd and 1st books are no longer canon. Harry actually met Sirius while skiing in the Alps on his 7th birthday. Further, book seven actually stars Harry's great-grandson, heir to the Potter Clan legacy and his legendary wand, who is still fighting Voldemort because he keeps getting resurrected by idiots who seem to think it's a good idea.

Chris Paolini - One of these other ideas with all the names changed plus dragons… and strangely unexpected homosexual sex.

Chris Rock - The first chapter is called "Why There Never No Black Wizards?" The next ten chapters note the differences between how a black man would cast magic, and how a white man would cast magic. The last chapter is about baby shoes.

Chuck Palahniuk – The entire series has been a metaphor. Voldemort and Hogwarts don't exist; they're Harry's own inner evil-wizard and wish to have a home. Harry ends up noticing this, but does that really make his life any better? The books also don't sell until someone makes a movie out of them, at which point the books are suddenly considered "the greatest ever!!" by teens across the country.

Vladimir Nabokov - Every other sentence is in a foreign language. Also, the writing is littered with literary puns, jokes, and references that 99% of the population wouldn't understand.

Jane Austen - Hermione, who is actually attracted to Voldemort tries to set up Cho Chang with Voldemort. Ron, who loves Hermione, makes constant advances on her, which she rebuffs. Harry settles for one of the Indian women. However, Ron begins dating said Indian chick to make Hermione jealous. Then Hermione, seeing an opportunity, begins to pursue Voldemort who thinks he's in love with Cho. But Harry eventually convinces Voldemort to run away with him. Hermione is initially heart-broken, but begins to realize that Ron was the one for her all along. Then the two girls go off and marry the Weasley twins for reason unknown to the reader, Hermione marries Ron, and Voldemort marries Harry (in Massachusetts), and everyone lives happily.

A Lazy Java Programmer –

public class Book7 implements HPSeries{
Horcrux = bookNumSeven.queryHorcrux();
use.Horcrux();
Harry.kill(Voldemort);
}

Shigeru Miyamoto - Harry, Ron, and Hermione would fiercely battle their way through Voldemort's Death Eaters, facing certain destruction and agony at every turn, only to find that Voldemort is, in fact, in another castle.

Harry Potter Fanfiction Writers - The entire book consists of nothing but poorly written romance between Draco x Harry x Ginny x Ron x Hermione x Krum x Fleur x both of the Weasley Twins at the same time x Hagrid x Dumbledore x Snape x Lucius Malfoy x James Potter x Sirius Black x Remus Lupin x Professor McGonagall x Neville Longbottom x Dean x Crabbe x Goyle. The plot with the 7th Horcrux and Voldemort is tacked onto the end in the last 15 pages, almost as if an afterthought.

Salvador Dali - Fish.

---

Voldermort: Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father...
Harry: He told me enough! He told me YOU killed him!
Voldemort: No, Harry... I am your father!
Harry: Noooooooooo!

*lols at the Square-Enix one*

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I lol'd at some of them.

You also forgot Hideaki Anno

-Everyone Dies.

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Oh Lord, those were awesome. All of them.

My personal favorites were the Nobakov, Tolkien, Miyamoto and Adams ones xD

Thanks so much for posting this, it made my day.

You forgot one.

CantFakeTheFunk- Random Friskian sex scene.

---

Takumi - Harry is replaced by a different main character that doesn't seem to fit into his role very well.

I choked on my drink from that one.

I could probably cut all the books down into one book half the size of HP: TSS because I'm so concise when I write...: Harry kills some guy named Voldemort, End--roll credits.

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Capcom: It turns out that after the 8th (yes, 8th) horocrox has been destroyed, Harry must venture into Voldemort's castle.... and have to destroy each horocrox once more. For some really random reason. Yeah. And then they start some really strange martial arts moves, followed by them just pointing fingers at each other. The story ends with Harry transforming into a dragon (he becomes an animagus in his last year) to fight the Goddess of Evil, who was the one to be controling Voldemort ALL THE TIME! Oh yeah, and Voldemort gets away at the end of the story, so prepare for a sequel. And include a few in an alternate reality. Just to fit in some more plot devices.

Margeret Weis: In the epic struggle of the War Ageanst Voldemort, the powers of the Muggle Armies will be hold at bay from the powers of the Evil Armies of Voldemort. In these desperate times, one group of people will rise... but will Harry have to turn himself into the new Lord of Darkness to fight Voldemort himself? And will dragons remain as awesome as ever? Read the newest 56 books in the series to find out!

Al Gore: It turns out that in the battle ageanst Voldemort, all the magic has caused the natural forces of the world the run amok. Not only is the source of magic running dry (which means that Harry has to resort to alternate magical uses), but all the magic in the air has started to weaken the electromagnetic forces of the planet, turning the planet increasingly warmer and more filled with magical energy. And while all this is going on, the Muggles just sit at home... because that is what is convenient.

Valve: It turns out that while our now-silent protagonist Harry, who has been hammering away on enemy wizzards with his trusted wand, has managed to survive the chaos following the release of the Evil Forces of Voldemort from another dimention, he get's sucked into a time-warp and faces the future - enslaved by Voldemort, who has constructed lots of towers in the World of Muggles. With no access to the Magical Dimention of Magic anymore, Harry will have to rally the survivers of the Lost World and start the riot ageanst the Evil Surpressors - even from the help of some old enemies, who has managed to break free due to Harry's previous victory. Oh, and he can move heavy stuff arround with the flick of his wand.

J. K. Rowling: Harry meets up with some new people, who has been written so that they fit completely with several diffrent movie actors, and sets out on a journey filled with random explosions and really lousy plot twists, that might look OK in a movie. Oh, and the plot wil be even shorter and more outstreched than in the 6th book - why, it was gonna be cut out from the movie, anyway! Why not just fill it with random stuff nobody cares about? Oh, and some of the plot twists will be: Harmione is actually Harrys sister, Snape will kill Voldemort and save Harry (which would be the cheapest most expectable turn of events ever), Ginny will be killed, Ron will grow up and take on the job of his father, the Dursley familiy will suddenly get magic powers and fight alongside Harry, several other actors will die in the battle because their real-life movie actors demanded a raise and/or died, not to mention how Malfoy will sacrifice himself in his attempt to kill one of Voldemorts vilest creatures. Oh, and Serious will kick ass as a dog. And Harry is obvious the last horocrox himself. But he manages to get out of that because be "Believed in himself". He will also be able to transform into a basilisk (yes, basilisk). The rest of the movie (wait, I ment book... BOOK!) is random pointless talking and walking arround.

ID Interactive: Harry gets a rocket launcher. Whoohoo!

Tecmo: Harry will have to fight through the Hordes of Evil Wizards with his trusted Wand of Light, to get vengence from his fathers death. When he finally reaches Voldemorts lair and climbs it, Voldemort will kidnap Ginny, and shoot Harry with his Wand of Darkness. He will then flee into a secret system of caves and attempt to sacrifice Ginny to open the Gates to Evilness in an underworld Sea of Chaos with his Wand of Darkness, but Harry (with the help of Ron with a handly gun) spoils his plan, and closes the gates at the very nick of time. Insert cool shrine-breaks-apart-scene here.

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Or, alternative to Shigeru Myamoto- Harry is chosen by the three Goddess's to wield the Master Sword, and pulls it from hsi pedistal, freezing him in time for seven years while Princess Ginny facades as a man (Ron). Voldemort steals the Triforce of Power, and Harry Has to Free Dumbledore, Hermione, Lupin, Cho Chang, Mrs. Weasley, and Angelina from the Six Temples of Hyrule.
Before confronting Voldy...
...Yah, I suck. I'm sorry for sucking.

Harry-Link
Ginny-Zelda
Shiek-Ron
Saria-Hermione
Rauru-Dumbledore
Lupin-Darunia
Cho-Ruto
Mrs. Weasley-Impa*Image of Mrs. Weasley as a Ninja warrior. Shuddering*
Angelina-Nabooru.

...Yah, just imagine that now. Nice and clear in your head.

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Epic.

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XD AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Those made me giggle! :3

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You forgot the part where Harry has a two-hundred-page monologue.

Hee hee. These are too great!

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Beatrix Potter: Harry wakes up to find that he is in fact, a rabbit, Hermione, Ron and Ginny are his three sisters (Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-Tail), James Potter was turned into a pie, Voldemort is actually a farmer called Mr. McGregor, and Hogwarts is the farmer's field of crops. Harry was almost killed several times, but escaped by leaving behind some of his clothes, which Voldemort used to build a scarecrow.

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well done on all of em

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These are just so freakin' great! I would to see Harry Potter written by these 3. Too bad, Dr. Seuss is dead. Would Chris Rock's version even have any main plot?

Ooh! Forgot two:

Tamora Pierce: The storyline will focus on Ginny and Hermione because they are girls. They will try and become knights, even if that is something that can at that time only be done by men. They sneak into school charmed to look like boys, and they manage to become knights. Hermione also get's the ability to talk and transform into animals, and finds out that her father was actually a god, meaning this is why she has so powerful magic. Oh, and Cho will get into some muggle country and organize a rebellion. Meanwhile, Ginny, Hermione, Ron and Harry forms a magical bound to strengthen their abilities, when they all get stuck underground during a Voldemort-made earthquake. After combining their powers they successfully break free, and their bound will remain strong. Then some deatheaters start making trouble, and they seperate to each handle the individual threads. And they all get students. For some reason.

Agatha Christie: flashback! James potter is murdered... but is it by Voldemort? After all the fuss later, everyone assumed it was Voldemort, but one thing suggests otherwise: Harry survived. Undercover retired police officer Hercule Poirot will have to look things closer... it appears that Ron's father, dumpledore and even Sirius Black all had motive. Ron's father because of several of his own artifacts were hold by James Potter, who had indirrectly threatened to show them to the press (his lack of magic was compensated for by several artifacts taken from the ministry of magic in that time period). Dumpledore because Poirot found proof that he was actually not who he tried to portrait himself as (he found out that dumpledore actually is allergic to candy), and Sirius because he wanted to take over Harry, and train him up as in to be a hunter, unlike his father who wanted to keep him sheltered. After talking (conversing) with all the key witnesses, Poirot gathers everyone (including Voldemort, hah!) and reveals the highly detailed plot, in which James Potter murdered himself and his wife out of fear from the Dursleys. Of course, at the end, he reveal that was actually impossible, and Voldemort WAS the one who did it. Then Voldemort tries to kill Poirot, only to be killed by 5-6 diffrent people.

and heres another one:

Oxford: Abandoned actually appealing apples banish beutiful bironets, blowing breaking candy cloud couldrons cold. Deathly doom dragons drink everything. "Exspelliamus!" found funky goulish grim Harry Hentai (Heh, Hermione) ickyness, interestingly. James just kaboomed, Lilly little longer, magically manouvered. Meanwhile, other places, ponding potentionally. Potter: "practical proof? Pyh!", Questioningly, replied Rockin' Roll, Rolling: "See? Stupify!" spell, tearing terrible unreliable Voldemort Wickedly Wreckingly Xooming! "Yeew. Yellow Zombie."

---

Trinitron CG
Hermione, why do you wear a wizard?
A small horcrux becomes me.
BEAT WAND TANK EMPTIES

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Masashi Kishimoto-In order to allow the original English books to catch up, Harry and friends participate in endless filler until they start the new saga where we skip ahead three years.

Kazuki Takahashi-Harry must face Voldemort in a Quidditch duel for all the marbles!

These two made me laugh HARD IRL XD However, please remind me not to read anything like this while drinking, please?

Clamp- Every male character some how turned gay, Ginny gets to be the main character and loses her memory.

/a/-Hermione becomes gloombitch and male fan hates her but still wants to have rigorous sex with her. Ginny becomes GAR-moe and her flat chest is loved and cherished, Harry hates himself even more than usual and Ron dies a manly death and manly tears are shed. Voldemort is the final angel and has an epic "Just as planned" moment. /a/ then decides to hate this series and it abruptly ends.

---

YTMND-HARRY KILLS VOLDEMORT

Those are all great!

William Shakespeare: Begore the book begins, Harry and Ginny get married and defeat Voldemort together. Draco Malfoy wishing to avenge his master, manages to pose as Harry's friend, and convinces him that Ginny only married him to get at his fortune, and that Ron is in on it. Harry then begins to plot to kill the "conspirators" that have robbed him of his fortunes and honour. He poisons Ron's food, and Ron dies not knowing who killed him. Ron's last words are "Prithee, worry not for me. Harry is a most honourable man, and my death shall not go unavenged while he lives." Soon afterward, Hermione commits suicide out of grief. Harry then confronts Ginny, but before he kills her, Neville and Draco walk in. Neville comes to Ginny's aid, and during the struggle, he manages to wound Harry. Then they both realize what really happened, so Draco takes Ginny hostage. He is ambushed from behind by Hagrid, so he kills Ginny, then casts a spell that permanently blinds Hagrid. In his blind state, Hagrid manages to fall off the castle walls to his death. Neville manages to pursue Draco and kill him. The rest of the cast (what few survivors there were, anyway), then return to find Harry dying from the wounds he received from Neville. With his last breath, Harry manages to gasp out a seven page monologue, then dies.

---

Masashi Kishimoto - Ron is tempted by Voldemort to join his side with the promise of power in return so Ron can kill his older brother Charlie, and Harry tries to stop him. An epic battle ensues. Ron apparently has the ability to transform into a giant winged rat, whilst Harry reveals the REAL reason why he survived Voldemort's attack: he carries a Nine-Tailed Demon Fox in him. Ron uses an electric attack while Harry creates a ball of energy in his hand, and the attacks collide. Harry fails to save Ron and spends 3 years training. He returns after 80 filler chapters and makes useless variations of his energy ball technique and meets an evil organization, while Ron kills Voldemort and gathers his own followers. Also, a hilarious duo will make an appearance, composed of a smartass blonde prick who looks like a girl and has mouths on his hands, and a clumsy immortal dude wearing an orange mask with a swirl pattern on it.

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Rumiko Takahashi - Harry is lured to the dark side and plots to steal a sacred artifact from Hermione. She impales him on a wand and dies. Harry sleeps for many years. Many years later, a young girl named Mary Sue (who is actually the reincarnation of Hermione) goes to wake up the sleeping Harry. They gather up a band of friends to reclaim the artifact, which has been scattered in pieces across the wizarding world, and defeat Voldemort. The series continues for 500 more books. Also, Harry turns into a chick periodically.

---

No Robert Jordan or Terry Brooks? I weep.

Shannara and Wheel of Time need one too. I'm just too lazy to write one myself.

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The Phoenix Wright staff: - Harry is swept away by the Ministry of Magic at the beginning of the book and trialed, somehow, for the murder of . There is a gigantic pool of evidence against him, and even multiple eye-witnesses. Cornelius Fudge and other corrupt members of the Ministry of Magic, including Voldemort's Death-Eaters, plot to make it so impossible a trial and with such a recently warped legal system that Harry will be executed two minutes after court is in sessions. Mr. Weasley rises as the unlikely hero of the story by becoming an Ace Attorney to defend Harry in court, with Ginny as his aide. They, with Ron and Hermione, travel all over magical London and Hogwarts searching for clues, and the immediately appointed Detective Hagrid leaks them and Mr. Weasley in on ways to help win the trial. Prosecutor Snape makes it arduously difficult for Mr. Weasley, yet somehow is defeated through the first and second days of court. With only one day remaining, the team (Snape included) manages to solve both the murder, prove all the evidence and testimony against Harry fake, and - either because it involves the motive of the REAL KILLER (who is surprisingly Voldemort and not Snape) , or simply because Judge Fudge feels like it - what really really really happened that night seven years ago when Voldemort murdered and attacked Harry's parents.

And we also learn there, and not in the Ace Attorney games themselves, why became . Don't ask.

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Robert Jordan - Harry has sex with half the female cast while agonizing over what might happen if his powerful magic goes out of control. In the meantime, Neville becomes a decent wizard and marries Ginny (who is really three hundred years old). Harry realizes that he doesn't have any fans left and book six is retcon'd to Ron moving about in a 50-foot radius for 500 pages. The series is never finished because the author dies of blood poisoning.

Terry Brooks - “And so, Harry son of James son of Godwin son of Arthur son of Harry son of Baldwin son of Richard son of Theoden son of James son of James son of Jonathan son of Bubba did raise his wand, glowing with the fervor of a thousand suns risen and fallen on a thousand worlds, and let a cry escape his lips summoning the thrice-forbidden incantation...” and it sort of goes on like this for another five pages before he actually casts the spell. With a right-wing slant.

Now, this topic needs more awesome people.

Jack Vance - Harry is a very nice person who always has at least three backup plans for any situation. He's not quite witty enough to be a charming rogue and not quite strong enough to barrel through obstacles, so he relies on futuristic weaponry and his past training as an intergalactic agent of the peace. He is also the only character in the book.

Robert A Heinlein - Same as above, but Harry is the most handsome and clever person in the universe and regularly has sex with both Ron and Hermione, sometimes Malfoy and McGonagall, too.

Suda 51 - Harry is really a baby orphan organ trafficker. Also he rules the world from his basement.

James Joyce - Harry is hairy is the state of having lots of hair which you can say is strands of protein and beta-keratin it's really just dead stuff, you shouldn't eat it else you'll be a saprotroph which is a creature that obtains its nutrients from decaying organic matter: protozoa and the like, you see; animals such as buzzards and dung beetles are more commonly called saprophages, and Phage has been waging war against Akroma for ever because she is untouchable; other Untouchables work for the Ministry of Magic in the department of mysteries and which houses the prophecy that reads Harry must defeat Voldemort.

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I'm not into reading fiction novels so why am I here?

BEATS ME

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Nice ones.

Andrew Lloyd Weber- Everyone would be singing. The movie would be a musical, and Voldemort would wear a Phantom of The Opera mask.

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I'm pretty sure most people here who read this never got it.

and also...

[quote=zuddha]
Robert Jordan - Harry has sex with half the female cast while agonizing over what might happen if his powerful magic goes out of control. In the meantime, Neville becomes a decent wizard and marries Ginny (who is really three hundred years old). Harry realizes that he doesn't have any fans left and book six is retcon'd to Ron moving about in a 50-foot radius for 500 pages. The series is never finished because the author dies of blood poisoning.[/quote]

You forgot the inclusion of random lesbians... no, wait, I'm thinking of Piers Anthony here. Somehow, I always get the two mixed.

Anyway...

What if it was written by...

Garth Ennis - Harry becomes a dick. Ron becomes a dick. Ginny grows a dick (for shock value). Snape regularly fucks Dumbledore's dead body (for shock value, again). Hermione becomes a submissive slut. The book becomes even more blasphematory to Christians than it ever was. Voldemort? Who cares? Everyone's evil anyway. Also, Harry can command his broom to fuck things.

Ed Brubaker - Harry gets shot. The rest of the book is people angsting over Harry getting shot.

The DC Editorial Staff - BOOK 7 NEVER HAPPENED.

The Marvel Editorial Staff - BOOK 7'S NOT IMPORTANT.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau - Book becomes in the first person and is now about how everyone hates Harry and his ideas, and how he'll exile himself from the world because everyone hates him. Did we mention everyone wanted him dead? Or that they hated him? 'cause I don't think we did.

Aaron McGruder - Harry suddenly becomes black and is now a radical black militant. Voldemort is "The Man" trying to keep him down. It also becomes far more hilarious than it had any right to be.

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I think you have Anno confused with Minagoroshi no Tomino.

Anno's version would just be stuffed with stupid, useless mysticism and whiny tweens.

Oh wait, it already is.

You forgot pretentious.

---

...I bet people won't know who I'm talking about at all. But oh well.

Rudyard Kipling: Harry Potter has to go find the remaining horcruxes on India, where he begins a new life and starts comprehending the culture. He finds out the last horcrux is in one of the camps being used while the current escalade to the Everest.

Jostein Gardner: After the last fight, Harry and friends end up in the real world, realizing they were only characters in a book. They find out they're not being able of interacting with anybody else, and then just go try to unveil a mystery within Harry's recurrent dreams about a house in the woods near a lake.

Shigesato Itoi: Everything's the same, but every single character and setting is portrayed either childishly, referring to abstract art, or heavily drug-induced. It also includes 3 whole chapters of Harry going in a trip through his subconscious and beating his worst nightmare to achieve full power to beat Voldemort, which is actually a being of pure evil that has to be beaten with songs and peace of mind. Upon destruction of the last Horcrux, the world ends, and the characters have to move out to our world.
Something good will definitely come tomorrow, and brownie points if you guess what the fuck I'm talking about.

Kosuke Fujishima and Namco: Same as Square-Enix, but all the male cast are bishounen - EVEN VOLDEMORT. And all female cast are young and busty, and oddly resemble Ah! My Goddess characters.

Tetsuya Nomura: Same as Square-Enix, but all the male cast are bishounen - EVEN VOLDEMORT. And all female cast are young and busty, and oddly resemble Final Fantasy characters.

Henry Miller: Everything's the same, but it has more sex.

Oscar Wilde: Everything's the same, but it has more GAY sex.

Edgar Allan Poe: Harry gets killed in a grotesque way that makes all the other characters derange.

Oh, and I almost forgot:

Satoshi Tajiri: Horcruxes. Gotta destroy 'em all.

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oh, almost forgot.....

Stephen King: Not even going to descripe this one. Whatever Edgar Allan Poe would write, + 1.

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Lovecraft: Stephen King hides under his bed. “Iä! Shub-Niggurath!”

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Arika Toriyama: A random alien comes down to earth and kill Voldemort, and decides to destroy the earth. God decide to train Harry into a dark arts expert so he can save the world, while Ron, Hermione and Nevile search for the seven horcrux, which if they are all united will summon a dragon that will grand them a wish. When the dragon is summoned, Nevil accidentally wishes to become good in potion instead of having the random Alien die. So, Harry decides that the only way to kill the alien is to enter the world dueling championship. Harry and the Alien meet in the final, and they both spend three chapters casting there first spell, which then collide and destroy the ring, the judge and over half the spectators. The alien then pretend to be dead, and while Harry and the rest celebrate the alien launch an attack that kill Harry. Nevile, in a stroke of brilliant courage, jumps on the alien and drink a potion that makes him explode, killing the alien in the process. The world is now safe (until the next story arc), Pansy Parkinson is pregnant whit Harry's son while Malfoy, Crab and Goyle turn out to be aliens from the planet Malfoy.

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Needs more super saiyan, like:

The book begins with Voldemort revealing his true nature, a gigantic dragon-type thing that's insanely strong that can blow up planets by snapping it's fingers. Harry finally reveals to Ron and Hermione that he has a secret of his own, and he turns Super Saiyan. Harry destroys Hogwarts on his way to Voldemort for the fun of it. Voldemort, in the meantime, has destroyed 10 galaxies already, but with Super Saiyan Harry on his way, Voldemort could never win. Voldemort beats Harry, proving to be as powerful as they say, then harry turns into Super Saiyan 2. He overpowers Voldemort until he reveals he has another form, and he beats Harry, until Harry then goes Super Saiyan 3. The match is now even, as the battlefield (Which is the planet earth) is being destroyed as they battle. Harry is getting fatigued, and Ron shows up in Super Saiyan 3 form as well! Voldemort reveals now that he has 21 forms! And he goes into his final, most powerful form, Harry and Ron are beaten senseless on the ground. Suddenly, Snape shows up in Super Saiyan 18 form to protect Harry and Ron, while Harry and Ron are healed by the Flitwick for absolutely no reason. Snape blows up a few planets while fighting Voldemort, but eventually Voldemort is beaten. He then teleports Snape to another galaxy to finish the fight one-on-one, where Voldemort says he was lying about having 21 forms. He really has 29. He miscounted.

Simple mistake, right?

Voldemort in form 29 destroys Snape, even in Super Saiyan 18. Harry and Ron found the whereabouts of Voldemort, and transformed into Super Saiyan 10's! Along with the battered Snape, the two boys fought Voldemort bravely, both sides rather even. They begin to lose as they realize Voldemort has transformed again due to a huge plot hole (Rather than just him lying), and he destroys them all. Voldemort readies his finishing blow, but Hermione shows up with some Super Saiyan 210,293 Rocket Launcher. She blasts Voldemort to kingdom come, as he evaporates into dust and 10 more planets are destroyed in the meantime.

Ron then reveals he was with the enemy the whole time (Without explaining any reasoning at all) and punches Harry in the face. He flies off into outer space, despite the fact he can't breath out there. Harry and Snape are healed from the brink of death again by Hermione, who just revealed that she has healing powers.

12 more planets explode, then the book is over.

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