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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Objector. 'Nuff Said.

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Location: England :D

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A group of schoolkids come back from a farm visit

teacher: What sounds did we hear?
kid 1: Moooooo
kid 2: baah
kid 3: quack
kid 4: GET OF MY FUCKING TRACTOR!

ALL HAIL ME IM KING OF THE PAGE
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Blacker than a moonless night, hotter and more bitter than hell itself... that is coffee. ~Godot :godot:
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Eh, people =) If word came to lawyer jokes, I think that I'll add some =)
Spoiler: Lawyer and court jokes!
Mother and her daughter are visiting the graveyard
Daughter: Mum, is it possible that two people are buried in the same place?
Mother: of course not. Why are you asking?
Daughter: Look! "Here lies a lawyer and an honest person"

John and Bobby were flying on the air balloon.
Bobby: (looking down) I don't know where are we now
John: Let's ask that man on the ground (to him): Hey, pal! Where are we now?
Man: On the height of 100 feet above the ground!
John: I think that was a lawyer...
Bobby: Why?
John: his answer was correct, but totally useless...

Two lawyers, first met
First: Oh my, I've heard so much about you!
Second: Nah, that's just talk. Try proving what they said!

Judge: Defendant, why did you kill that old woman during your theft, when she's deaf and she was sleeping in other room?
Defendant: You know, there was a sign on that safe I was after: "Open after my death"

Judge: Defendant, your occupation?
Defendant: Acrobat, your honor.
Judge: Bailiff! Close all windows here!

Judge: I think I saw your face before, defendant.
Defendant: Of course you did! I gave your son violin lessons!
Judge: Guilty!!!

Judge told the defendant that he was innocent.
Def.: What does that mean?
Judge: That means that you're free, because it wasn't proven that you raided the bank.
Def: Thank God! I can take that money then?..

Four indians broke from jail
Judge: Why did you break from jail?
Indian: You know, we were there for one week, and then Sharp Eye noticed that the cell wall was broken long ago...

Satan and God were arguing, because Satan stole God's plumber:
God: I'll sue on you!
Satan: Hah! You won't, because you don't have any lawyers up there, do you?

A group of terrorists have captured a plane full of lawyers. They say, that if their demands won't be satisfied, they'll release one lawyer in an hour.

There are two sorts of lawyers: those, who know law, and those, who know judge.

Lawyer talks to his client:
-I have two news for you
-Start with good one
-They're both bad...

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Sig by PandaPrinzessin
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Till the landslide brought me down...

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Location: Sydney

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Apr 03, 2009 12:03 pm

Posts: 1198

Why did the accountant go to the toilet?
To do his business :gregory:
• °♦ ♥ ♦° .*•. ♫~.•* • °♦ ♥ ♦° .*•. ♫~.•*• °♦ ♥ ♦°
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

The hooker will stop screwing you when you die.
Nothing.
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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SHADOW AND TRUCY!!!

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Posts: 69

Spoiler: How cold is it outside?
Please note that these are Degrees in Farenheit, if needed, change to Celcius

90 Arizonans fear freezing to death

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

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Thank's to Maggey for the Sig and Avatar

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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Moo.

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Location: I'm Welsh and live in England. Bleh.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2008 3:04 pm

Posts: 1753

What do you have when you bury Grancko up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand
Moo.
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Gender: Male

Location: CA

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Jun 12, 2009 1:26 am

Posts: 4993

My Hamster died, he fell asleep at the wheel.

Spoiler: Why kind of melons don't get married?
Cantaloupe.

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Life's a Happy Song when there's someone by your side to sing along!
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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The Midnight Lurker

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Rank: Medium-in-training

Joined: Sun Nov 08, 2009 2:54 am

Posts: 409

Cheesy puns:


What sound does a basketball make when it passes through a basket of cheese?
Swiss.


Why is Swiss cheese sacred?
Because its holey.

What type of baby forest creatures like to dip things in cheese?
Fawndu.

What surrounded a medieval cheese castle?
A moat-zzarealla.

What do you call an oriental cheese?
Parm-asian.

What did I do with a cheese handcerchief?
I bleu my nose.

What is a popular song among cheeses?
I'm Bleu, if I were green I would die~

What do you get when you cross cheese and a cat?
The Cheshire Cat

Haha, cheesy puns. Get it?
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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My son is bored. Care to play with him?

Gender: Male

Location: Minnesota

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2007 4:06 am

Posts: 725

When can you know for certain that you're as ugly as sin?

Spoiler:
When you have to hold a ho' down. :jake:

Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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My childhood right here

Gender: Male

Location: The motherfuggin' DigiWorld!

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 12:55 am

Posts: 1788

What do you call a catholic indian princess?
Spoiler:
Pope-ahontas!

What's a drug addict's greeting?
Spoiler:
High, man!

What is the only costume you won't see in a black neighborhood on Halloween?
Spoiler:
A ghost!

What do you call Justin Bieber when he's burning?
Spoiler:
A flaming homo!

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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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The cape is self-fluttering

Gender: Female

Location: The Bostonius

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Tue Apr 22, 2008 10:00 pm

Posts: 2857

Turnabout of Justice wrote:
What do you call Justin Bieber when he's burning?
Spoiler:
A flaming homo!


Spoiler:
Don't you mean 'a redundancy'? =P

"Descole? You don't mean Mr. I-Like-to-Wreck-Things-with-Mechanical-Monsters-and-Dress-Up-as-Posh-Ladies Descole?" -Emmy Altava

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...NAILED IT
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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My childhood right here

Gender: Male

Location: The motherfuggin' DigiWorld!

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 12:55 am

Posts: 1788

Adrian in black wrote:
Turnabout of Justice wrote:
What do you call Justin Bieber when he's burning?
Spoiler:
A flaming homo!


Spoiler:
Don't you mean 'a redundancy'? =P

Oh god. Two negatives make a positive. Flaming + Homo= STRAIGHT OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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Breaking hiatus.

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Posts: 454

What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?

Spoiler:
Helephino
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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あふれるその涙を

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Location: Australia

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Posts: 303

lol I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but here's one from work:

An old woman lies dead on the side of the road,
Spoiler:
she has semen in her eyes. The policeman said 'Looks like she saw her killer coming.'


*shot* This is a particularly bad joke, considering it was told to me by another nurse whom I work with at an old people's home. ):
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts


RIP Tobi Wong
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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The cape is self-fluttering

Gender: Female

Location: The Bostonius

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Joined: Tue Apr 22, 2008 10:00 pm

Posts: 2857

hoshihoshi wrote:
lol I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but here's one from work:

An old woman lies dead on the side of the road,
Spoiler:
she has semen in her eyes. The policeman said 'Looks like she saw her killer coming.'


*shot* This is a particularly bad joke, considering it was told to me by another nurse whom I work with at an old people's home. ):


That is the single most obvious and yet greatest pun of a joke ever and I can't believe I haven't heard of a punchline like that sooner.
"Descole? You don't mean Mr. I-Like-to-Wreck-Things-with-Mechanical-Monsters-and-Dress-Up-as-Posh-Ladies Descole?" -Emmy Altava

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...NAILED IT
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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This one is awful. Haha. My chemistry teacher gave it to us as a bonus on a quiz a long time ago. (And the fact that I can remember it just makes it lamer.)
There's a mole of moles digging a mole of holes. What do you see?
Spoiler: I'm such a nerd.
A mole of molasses!


... Yeaaaaah..x)
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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My son is bored. Care to play with him?

Gender: Male

Location: Minnesota

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2007 4:06 am

Posts: 725

What else can you call a cannibal?
Spoiler:
A humanitarian...
Spoiler: User Discretion Advised
...especially if you ask (insert hated person or group here).

Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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My childhood right here

Gender: Male

Location: The motherfuggin' DigiWorld!

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 12:55 am

Posts: 1788

Whaddya call a cat, a donkey, and a seagull put together?
Spoiler: lmfao
I can't even guess
Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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SMASHING DAY FOR A BARBEQUE.

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Location: The Land of Tea and Crumpets...England.

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I swear I posted this, but it must have been an waful long time ago.

Spoiler: long? ALso MAY offend christians but only if you are the really sensitive kind
R.E Teacher: Okay children, today we are learning about christianity. Can anybody tell me who the christians follow?
Boy: *prods girl infront of him with ruler*
Girl: Oh, god!
Teacher: Well done! and, who can tell me who the mesiah is?
Boy: *Prods her again*
Girl: Jesus Christ!
Teacher: Well done again, great answers! Lets see yo answer this one, it is tricky. When Adam and Eve had their eighth child, what did Eve say to Adam?
Boy: *Prods girl*
Girl: *Spins round to face the boy* IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE I TIME, I WILL SLAP YOU ROUND THE FACE.

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Re: Jokes?Topic%20Title
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It's a Goverment Pig!

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Location: Inaba

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Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 7:36 pm

Posts: 52

I have a lot I stole from another forum. I'm really sorry if any of these have been posted before
Spoiler:
Two blonds walk into a bar.


The third one ducked.



Spoiler:
Dude: Where are your Bukaneers?

Dude dressed as a pirate: Under my Buckin' hat!


Spoiler:
Three roommates live on the 90th floor of an apartment building. One day, the elevator isn't working, so they have to take the stairs. They agree that to pass the time, Roommate #1 will tell ghost stories for the first thirty floors, Roommate #2 will tell heartwarming stories for the next thirty floors, and Roommate #3 will tell sad stories for the final thirty floors. Finally, they get past sixty floors, and the first two roommates turn to Roommate #3.

"I only know one sad story," he says.

"What is it?" his other roommates say.

"I left our apartment key in the lobby."


How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[spoiler]Two[/spoiler]

Spoiler:
Three vampires were sitting and talking.
Then the first one said: "I think i'm going to go and eat something." And then flew off.
Later he came back with blood on his teeth.
"What have you done?" The other vampires asked.
"I have bitten a human in the neck and sucked some blood." he answered.
Then the second vampire also wanted to eat something and flew off.
After a while he came back with blood all over his mouth.
"What have you done?" asked the other vampires.
"I sucked blood from all the kids in a school-class!"
Then the third vampire wanted to eat and flew off.
He came back with blood all over his face.
"wtf have you done!?" asked the other vampires.
He ignored their question and asked: "Did you see that brick-wall over there?"
"Yeah? What of it?" they answered.
"I didn't".


Spoiler: Contains a curse
A suicide bomber storms into a pet shop and says:
"You have 30 seconds to get out before I blow this whole place up!"
A tortoise at the back of the shop. "You bastard."


Spoiler:
How did the blonde die while raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.


Spoiler: Yo Momma joke
Yo Mama is so fat, her belt size is Equator.


Spoiler:
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."


Spoiler:
A pregnant woman was in a car accident, and was knocked out. When she awakened, she was in the hospital and was alarmed to discover she was no longer carrying a child. At that moment, the doctor walked in.
"It's nice to see you up," he said.
"What happened to my baby?" she asked.
The doctor explained, "Well, while you were unconscious, we had your children delivered. You are now the proud mother of twins, a boy and a girl. However, because you were unconscious, we had to ask a relative to name the children for you, so your brother did it."
The woman groaned. "Oh, no... my brother isn't exactly the smartest man alive... he's a redneck!"
"Well, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
The woman appeared surprised. "Really? Then what did he name my son?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."


Spoiler:
One fine day, 3 men, 2 of which were geniuses and 1 whom was a total idiot, took a taxi to some place. The taxi driver was drunk so he veered off the road and into the tree. The 3 passengers died on the impact but the driver survived.

The 3 men went up to the clouds. An angel came and greeted them. "Hello my friends, I'm sorry to say but we only have enough room for only one person."

A devil, came up and suggested a solution.
"You guys will each ask me one question, If i am able to answer it, you will go to hell, if i get it wrong, you will go to heaven"

The 2 smart blokes asked the most difficult questions in the world, but the devil answered them both so they both went to hell.

The last man took a chair, drilled 7 holes, sat on it, and farted. " From which hole did my far come out from?" He asked

"Obviously from the hole in the center!" The devil replied.

"WRONG!" the last man said."It came out from my asshole"

and that guy went to heaven


Spoiler:
One day, a vicar and his friend John went golfing together. When it's John's turn, he misses a three-foot putt. John gets frustrated and says, "Dammit, missed the bugger!"

The vicar turns to him and says, "John, if you say that again, God will open up the heavens and strike you down."

So, they keep golfing, and then John misses a two-foot putt. "Dammit," he says, "missed the bugger!"

So God opens up the heavens and strikes the vicar down! And up in the sky, John hears God say...

"Dammit, missed the bugger!"


Spoiler: VERY long joke
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"
[/shot]


Spoiler: Cursing
A sheep and a bear are shitting in a field. The bear turns to the sheep and says "Do you have problems with it sticking to your fur?" The sheep replies "No" So the bear wipes his arse with the sheep.


How do you get a one armed man down from a tree?
Spoiler:
You wave at him.


Spoiler:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


Spoiler:
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.


Spoiler:
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.


Spoiler:
As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.


Spoiler:
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.


Spoiler: Quite offesnive
Okay, so this mum and her kids go to a doctor.
The first girl comes in and the doctor asks her her name.
"Violet," she replies.
"And why are you named Violet?" asks the doctor curiously.
"When I was born, my mum dropped a violet on my head."
The next girl comes in and the doctor asks her her name..
"What is your name?" asks the doctor.
"Rose," she replies.
"And why are you named Rose?" asks the doctor curiously.
"When I was born, my mum dropped a rose on my head."
Suddenly, a retarded boy runs into the room, screaming and jumping around.
"Stop that, Fridge!" snaps the mum.


Why did the boy fall of his bike?
Spoiler:
Someone threw a fridge at him

I cried the first time I heard that.

My all-time favourite joke
Spoiler: Long joke is long
A man goes up to his son and says, "Okay son, it's your 13th birthday, and you've been such a good son that I'll get you whatever you want. Just name it, and I'll get it for you. Don't even worry about the price."

The son says, "Thank you, Dad. I really appreciate it! However, what I really want for my birthday is a plastic parrot."

The dad is a little confused, but he agrees. He goes to the store, buys his son the plastic parrot, and brings it to him. The son thanks his father and takes the parrot up to his room. Later that week, the dad comes into his son's room and notices that the plastic parrot is gone...nowhere to be seen! He doesn't think too much of this, though.

On his son's 16th birthday, the father goes up to him and says, "You've been such a wonderful son and you mean so much to me, so for your 16th birthday, I'll get you anything you ask for. You can have a new car! Don't worry about how much it costs...just name the model, and it's yours."

The son looks to his father and says, "Dad, thank you so much, but what I really want is...ten plastic parrots."

Puzzled, the dad looks to his son and says, "But you're 16 now! Most any kid would kill for a new car! Why of all things do you want some plastic parrots?"

The son says, "Dad, I promise I'll explain later, but for now that's all I'm asking for."

The father obliges and goes to the store, buys the ten plastic parrots, and brings them to his son. His son thanks him and brings them up to his room. The next day, the father is up in his son's room and he notices the ten plastic parrots are gone. He's a little confused, but again, he shrugs it off.

On his son's 18th birthday, the father goes up to his son and says, "Okay son, you're an adult now, and you're going to be going to college in a few days. I'll get you anything you ask for. It doesn't matter how much it costs."

His son says to him, "Dad, you've been really great, and I couldn't ask for a better father. However, the only thing I really want for my birthday is one hundred plastic parrots."

At this point, the dad is extremely confused. "Son, every birthday since your 13th, I've offered to get you anything regardless of price, and every time, you've asked for nothing but these plastic parrots. I can't help but be curious. What's going on?"

The son says, "Dad, I'll explain it later, but the time isn't right to say. Don't worry, I'll tell you later. I promise! For now, can I have one hundred plastic parrots for my birthday?"

The father grudgingly obliges, goes to the store to buy one hundred plastic parrots, and gives them to his son. The son thanks him and takes the plastic parrots up to his room. A few days later, the father is helping his son pack up stuff for college. Looking around the room, he notices that not a single plastic parrot can be seen. The one hundred plastic parrots seemed to have vanished into thin air! The father is almost frightened by this, but he decides to just ask his son about this later.

On his 21st birthday, the son visits his father, and the father says, "Son, you've been doing really well so far. You make me proud to be your father. I'll get you anything you ask for. I'll buy you a place to live if you want. Don't worry about the price."

The son says to his father, "Dad, I'd like a warehouse."

The father is taken aback, as he wasn't expecting this answer. Needless to say, he is happy to be getting his son something else other than plastic parrots. "Y-yes! Of course!"

The son continues. "...and I want it to be full of plastic parrots."

The father explodes. "Okay son, you really need to tell me what's going on here. Every birthday, you've asked for plastic parrots, and they're always gone within the next few days! It doesn't make any sense! What have you been doing with these parrots? Why are these the only things you've been asking for?"

The son sighs and says, "You're right, Dad. You deserve to know. Just please buy me this warehouse of plastic parrots, and I promise I'll tell you everything that's going on."

The father and son agree to meet in three days at the warehouse to talk about what's going on. The father buys his son the warehouse and leaves.

Three days later, the father arrives at the warehouse. His son gave him a key to it, so he decides to open it. To his astonishment, the entire warehouse is empty. Not a single plastic parrot can be seen anywhere! The father is quite bewildered, but figures he'll get an explanation once his son arrives.

Hours pass, and the son still hasn't arrived. The father is getting very worried. What if something happened? At this point, he receives a call on his cell phone. He picks up, and it's the hospital. He is informed that his son was severely injured in a car accident and that he should come to the hospital immediately, as they aren't sure of how long he has to live. The father rushes over to the hospital and is by his son's side in no time.

The son, lying on the bed and gasping for air, says to his father, "Dad...thank you for being so patient with me. I probably don't have all that much time, but I promise that tonight you'll know everything about the plastic parrots. I just want...one last...thing..."

The father leans in closer and says, "Son, I'll get you anything you ask for. Just name it, and it's yours."

The son says, "...Dad, please get me one more plastic parrot."

The father rushes out of the hospital, runs to the store, and buys the plastic parrot. At the hospital, he runs to his son's side and gives him the plastic parrot.

The son clutches the plastic parrot and says, "Thank you, Dad. You're the best father anyone could ask for."

The father says, "Son, I really need to know. Why have you needed all of these plastic parrots all these years? And why have they always disappeared within a few days? Please tell me."

The son opens his mouth to explain, and he dies.


::shot a million times over::

You think that was bad in text form? Try having that told to you through word of mouth.
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Spoiler: Offensive
An Arab man moved to America, there to make his pile. He did reasonably well for himself. The only real problem he experienced living in America was that after a couple months, he began to constantly suffer from a mysterious illness. None of the doctors in his neighborhood could diagnose it, let alone cure it. He searched high and low, but the experts failed to find anything wrong with him. Finally he did some digging and found an Arab doctor, thinking that here he just might find the help he needed. When he described his symptoms to the doctor, the doctor gave a knowing nod and offered this advice: "Take this bucket, go into the next room, poop in the bucket, pee on the poop, lean over the bucket, and breathe in the fumes for ten minutes." Upon following the doc's instructions, the man felt better--much better. As he left the room, he thanked the doctor profusely.

"No one else was able to identify this illness, let alone treat it. What was the problem?"
"You were homesick."

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The cape is self-fluttering

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Gregory Wright wrote:
Spoiler: Offensive
An Arab man moved to America, there to make his pile. He did reasonably well for himself. The only real problem he experienced living in America was that after a couple months, he began to constantly suffer from a mysterious illness. None of the doctors in his neighborhood could diagnose it, let alone cure it. He searched high and low, but the experts failed to find anything wrong with him. Finally he did some digging and found an Arab doctor, thinking that here he just might find the help he needed. When he described his symptoms to the doctor, the doctor gave a knowing nod and offered this advice: "Take this bucket, go into the next room, poop in the bucket, pee on the poop, lean over the bucket, and breathe in the fumes for ten minutes." Upon following the doc's instructions, the man felt better--much better. As he left the room, he thanked the doctor profusely.

"No one else was able to identify this illness, let alone treat it. What was the problem?"
"You were homesick."


That is so wrong, but I LOL'd. Hard.
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...NAILED IT
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My childhood right here

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Bob tells Kate that she's fat. What does Kate do?
Spoiler: Not Funny at all
rip his jaws out
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Gregory Wright wrote:
Spoiler: Offensive
An Arab man moved to America, there to make his pile. He did reasonably well for himself. The only real problem he experienced living in America was that after a couple months, he began to constantly suffer from a mysterious illness. None of the doctors in his neighborhood could diagnose it, let alone cure it. He searched high and low, but the experts failed to find anything wrong with him. Finally he did some digging and found an Arab doctor, thinking that here he just might find the help he needed. When he described his symptoms to the doctor, the doctor gave a knowing nod and offered this advice: "Take this bucket, go into the next room, poop in the bucket, pee on the poop, lean over the bucket, and breathe in the fumes for ten minutes." Upon following the doc's instructions, the man felt better--much better. As he left the room, he thanked the doctor profusely.

"No one else was able to identify this illness, let alone treat it. What was the problem?"
"You were homesick."

I lol'd hard. Very funny.
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Objector. 'Nuff Said.

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Science jokes:

Iron man is a FE male.

If you understand that, you need to get a LithiumIronide.
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SMASHING DAY FOR A BARBEQUE.

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The Objectionator wrote:
Science jokes:

Iron man is a FE male.

If you understand that, you need to get a LithiumIronide.


Is It bad I understand that? Well, we are doing the periodic table in science right now.
DON'T HURT MEEE ;~;
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Though they can be golden, elemental puns aren't always Au-tomatically understood.
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The Real Human Being

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Women can fake an orgasm,
Men can fake a whole relationship.
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SMASHING DAY FOR A BARBEQUE.

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Gregory Wright wrote:
Though they can be golden, elemental puns aren't always Au-tomatically understood.


Pffff

My chemistry joke

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in dairy milk bars?
Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium!
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The Real Human Being

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Romeo wrote:

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in dairy milk bars?
Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium!

Aahhahah, smart jokes.

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I have smart jokes too.
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Spoiler: naughty
Why do they call it a pap smear?
Because if you called it a cunt scrape nobody would go.

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How do you run a flea circus?
You have to start from scratch.
Spoiler: Do a nice thing today,
Give your computer some love. <3
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My childhood right here

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I zinc we are done because all the other chemistry jokes ar-gon!
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Time for you to sleep.

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What about Metroid (Prime) jokes?

What is a haemorrhoid's favourite baseball team?
Metroid!

What is a Metroid's favourite time of day?
Prime time!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Samus
Samus who?
Samus Aran-g the doorbell!

What do you call a Metroid that cheats?
Norfair!

What's a Metroid's favourite cut of meat?
Prime rib!
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My childhood right here

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Dr. Smith has a moment of weakness. He sleeps with one of his patients and is racked by guilt. In one ear, he hears his conciense tell him "Its ok. Everyone has a moment of weakness." In his other ear he hears "You're a vet you sick fuck!"
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Call me Ishmael.

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Spoiler: Sort of related
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Wife: sparkleranger78, daughter: feedmechocolate247
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The member who doesn't swear much

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Steel Turnabout wrote:
Dr. Smith has a moment of weakness. He sleeps with one of his patients and is racked by guilt. In one ear, he hears his conciense tell him "Its ok. Everyone has a moment of weakness." In his other ear he hears "You're a vet you sick fuck!"

That is one of the best jokes ever.
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When a man sells his Soul, what is the world left with?
Spoiler:
A Rapper

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My childhood right here

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Yo mama so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure
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My childhood right here

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I submitted ten pieces of word-play humor to a joke contest and I just got the results. Did I win? Sadly, no pun in ten did
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