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Jokes?
https://forums.court-records.net/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=10471
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Author:  Ice-Ice [ Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Oh stop the PUNishment.

Author:  carbon monoxide [ Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

How do you know if a blonde's having a bad day?

She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Credit goes to a certain Eric S. from my school.

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Author:  Jean Descole [ Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:31 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Q. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A. "Where's Pop corn?"

Spoiler: cut for filth and smut
Q. How does Helen Keller masturbate?
A. She uses one hand and moans with the other.

Q. What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A. They both cover stiffies, except that one's coming and one's going.

Three handsome young men are vying for the hand of a farmer's daughter. They come around often, until one day the farmer decides to settle things in a competition.
"All right," he says. "All three of you must jump over the fence, swim across the lake, and make love to the cow. The first man to do that can have my daughter's hand in marriage."
The first man breaks his leg trying to jump the fence.
The second man drowns in the lake.
The third man jumps the fence, successfully crosses the lake, and has vigorous sex with the farmer's cow. When he finishes, the farmer approaches him and congratulates him.
"I'm a man of my word," he says. "You can marry my daughter."
The man looks at him and says, "Screw your daughter. I want the cow!"

Author:  Yaragorm [ Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Ice-Ice wrote:
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

I already posted all of these...

Adrian in black wrote:
Spoiler: cut for filth and smut
Q. How does Helen Keller masturbate?
A. She uses one hand and moans with the other.

Q. What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A. They both cover stiffies, except that one's coming and one's going.

Three handsome young men are vying for the hand of a farmer's daughter. They come around often, until one day the farmer decides to settle things in a competition.
"All right," he says. "All three of you must jump over the fence, swim across the lake, and make love to the cow. The first man to do that can have my daughter's hand in marriage."
The first man breaks his leg trying to jump the fence.
The second man drowns in the lake.
The third man jumps the fence, successfully crosses the lake, and has vigorous sex with the farmer's cow. When he finishes, the farmer approaches him and congratulates him.
"I'm a man of my word," he says. "You can marry my daughter."
The man looks at him and says, "Screw your daughter. I want the cow!"


SECOND BEST JOKES EVER.

Author:  justis76 [ Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

I've seen better. the Chuck Norris jokes were awesome.

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Oh snap! I've got another punderful joke.

Can I CARRIE those books for you?

Author:  LordWolfODonnell [ Thu Nov 05, 2009 2:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Ice-Ice wrote:
Can I CARRIE those books for you?


That would be 'DeLite'ful. :shy:

Author:  Pierre [ Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:46 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH..... :Noodle-Salute:

Author:  Louise [ Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

I just called the National Swine Flu telephone service. All I got was crackling.

.__.

Author:  Chloe [ Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Why did the Vampire eat the red smartie?
Cause he thought it was a blood blister

Author:  Pierre [ Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

A squirrel walks up to a tree and says "I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

Author:  Yaragorm [ Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

-Chuck Norris CAN unsee what has been seen.

-Rule 63 of the Internet states that for every male, there is some form of media of that male as a female unless the male is too ambiguous to make a difference or he's Chuck Norris.

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

LordWolfODonnell wrote:
Ice-Ice wrote:
Can I CARRIE those books for you?


That would be 'DeLite'ful. :shy:


That's punderful.

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Ice-Ice wrote:
LordWolfODonnell wrote:
Ice-Ice wrote:
Can I CARRIE those books for you?


That would be 'DeLite'ful. :shy:


Oh snap.

That's punderful.

Author:  Catgrenade [ Fri Nov 06, 2009 12:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

I'm not going to scan the thread for this one, but my sister told me a pretty good one.

Spoiler: PANDAS
So this panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and looks at the menu. When the waiter comes by, he points to what he wants, and the waiter brings it to him. After he's finished eating, he takes out a gun, fires it into the air, and just walks out.

The waiter rushes to get the owner of the restaurant, asking him what to do. So he takes out this book, flips through it, and says, "Oh, here it is, Panda: Eats chutes and leaves.


Telling jokes is very hard to do when you're tired.

Author:  Bad Player [ Fri Nov 06, 2009 11:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Catgrenade wrote:
I'm not going to scan the thread for this one, but my sister told me a pretty good one.

Spoiler: PANDAS
So this panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and looks at the menu. When the waiter comes by, he points to what he wants, and the waiter brings it to him. After he's finished eating, he takes out a gun, fires it into the air, and just walks out.

The waiter rushes to get the owner of the restaurant, asking him what to do. So he takes out this book, flips through it, and says, "Oh, here it is, Panda: Eats chutes and leaves.


Telling jokes is very hard to do when you're tired.

Ice-Ice wrote:
That's punderful.

(Not be sarcastic... Seriously, that joke is great xD)

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Sat Nov 07, 2009 7:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

The panda one...?

Author:  Bad Player [ Sat Nov 07, 2009 9:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Yes the panda one...

Author:  folizzle_! [ Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Pierre wrote:
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says "I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.


I hid under your porch because I love you.

In other news, I'm terrible at jokes! :yuusaku:

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Why was the tomato red?

Because he saw salad dressing.

Author:  LordWolfODonnell [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:38 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

(To the tune of Yankee Doodle)

Helen Keller went to town, Riding on a pony.
Stuck a feather in her cap and went ".........."

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

That's horrible. XD

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Jew.
Jew who?
Jew shouldn't make fun of me.

My friend made that up. Sort of stupid.....

Author:  LordWolfODonnell [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Ice-Ice wrote:
That's horrible. XD


Maybe, But she'll never hear it.

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

I congratulate you on your epic win, sir.

That's like this one.

Did you hear the one about Helen Keller and her dad?
Neither did she.

Author:  LordWolfODonnell [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 4:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

That's just like:


Ever seen Stevie Wonder's House?
Neither Has he.

Author:  Yaragorm [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 5:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Ice-Ice wrote:
Why was the tomato red?

Because he saw salad dressing.

LOL, that's a good one!

Author:  fatalfeline [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Sorry if some of these have been mentioned before... :oops:

How do you make regular water into holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he bumped his head against a wall?
Dam.

One old man sits next to his friend on a bench in the park one afternoon.
:grossburg: Ahh... TGIF!
:igarashi: Huh? What's "TGIF" mean?
:grossburg: Oh you don't know? It means "Thank God It's Friday"!
:igarashi: Well SHIT.
:grossburg: What?! No need to be so vulgar!
:igarashi: So Happens It's Thursday.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a slimy, bloodsucking bottomfeeder... and the other one's a fish.

Now my other ones are more offensive, so I'll spoiler them. XD

Spoiler:
How do you kill a blonde?
You stick a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

How do you count the amount of Puerto Ricans in a neighborhood?
Throw a quarter into the middle of the street, count the number of hands that reach for it, and subtract one for the Jew that got it.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Italy?
They couldn't find a virgin and three wise men.

Two old men sit in a park. One says, "You know, I love sex, but these days I can't really get it.... up anymore."
The other says, "Oh what you need is some rye bread!"
"Rye bread? Really?"
"Yeah, trust me."
So the next day the first old man goes to a bakery and asks the woman at the counter for a loaf of rye bread.
"So do you want it whole or sliced?" she asks.
"What's the difference?"
"Well, if it's sliced it gets harder faster."


Yeah that's all I can remember right now... D|

Author:  Yaragorm [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

God dang, those be some laughter-inducing jokes there!

Author:  fatalfeline [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:55 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Thanks! XD Which ones...?

Author:  Yaragorm [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

I meant all of them, they sure brightened my dreary night! :maya:

Author:  fatalfeline [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Awwww I'm glad! <3

That's what good jokes are all about, right?

Author:  Yaragorm [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 7:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Yes they are!

Author:  Acey Enn [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 8:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Pierre wrote:
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says "I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

I love you. <3 Seriously, Dug was the best part of that movie.

Author:  Pierre [ Wed Nov 11, 2009 8:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Anna Cassidy wrote:
Pierre wrote:
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says "I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

I love you. <3 Seriously, Dug was the best part of that movie.


Yeahup glad someone got it :garyuu:

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

So that's what shit stands for....

Those jokes are epic.

Author:  LordWolfODonnell [ Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

'Fe+2'

Pure irony.

Author:  Yaragorm [ Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Why did Ash Ketchum have nightmares after eating his sandwich?

Spoiler: ANSWER
Because it was made with DARK RYE bread.


AND I MADE THAT JOKE!!! :jazzedgy:

Author:  Ice-Ice [ Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Author:  fatalfeline [ Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes?

Yaragorm wrote:
Why did Ash Ketchum have nightmares after eating his sandwich?
Spoiler: ANSWER
Because it was made with DARK RYE bread.

Ice-Ice wrote:
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

PFFFFFFFFF

xDDDD

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