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Jokes? https://forums.court-records.net/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=10471 |
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Author: | yamineco [ Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:23 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Sister White wrote: Spoiler: management lesson I got this from a friend via e-mail, but her version consist of 6 lessons. Here goes.. Spoiler: space saver |
Author: | Caelestis [ Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:31 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Hah! These are pretty funny! I have a reallllly old one that I'm sure everyone has heard of, but it's still pretty funny. For people who are total pro-Hilary Clinton, you may be offended. I would use a random lady, but I'm kind of a feminist, so that would be a wee bit hypocritical of me Spoiler: I used PW Characters! I don't remember the actual joke very well, so those who have heard of it have heard a drastically different version. Much apologies. |
Author: | Superninfreak [ Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:43 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Caelestis wrote: Hah! These are pretty funny! I have a reallllly old one that I'm sure everyone has heard of, but it's still pretty funny. For people who are total pro-Hilary Clinton, you may be offended. I would use a random lady, but I'm kind of a feminist, so that would be a wee bit hypocritical of me Spoiler: I used PW Characters! I don't remember the actual joke very well, so those who have heard of it have heard a drastically different version. Much apologies. Hilary Clinton is Lisa Basil? I heard another version of that joke before that had Bush instead of Hilary. |
Author: | Sklarvv [ Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:48 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
A duck goes into a bar. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "I'm Steve. My day was great! I spent all day stomping on puddles." They talk a while, then the duck leaves. A few hours later another duck walks in. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "My name's Puddles. I hate my life..." |
Author: | Nutrition Facts [ Tue Jul 15, 2008 12:53 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Sklarvv wrote: A duck goes into a bar. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "I'm Steve. My day was great! I spent all day stomping on puddles." They talk a while, then the duck leaves. A few hours later another duck walks in. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "My name's Puddles. I hate my life..." Awwww--heheh--www... that's mean XD |
Author: | Sister White [ Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:53 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
yamineco wrote: Sister White wrote: Spoiler: management lesson I got this from a friend via e-mail, but her version consist of 6 lessons. Here goes.. Spoiler: space saver Haha those are pretty hilarious I just heard one that was told to me in Chinese but can sort of be modified into English: Spoiler: |
Author: | LordWolfODonnell [ Tue Jul 28, 2009 11:38 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Save space. Spoiler: Blonde Joke |
Author: | Hikka [ Wed Jul 29, 2009 4:13 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
A jumper cable walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender told it, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything." *BRICK'D.* |
Author: | Hylian100 [ Wed Jul 29, 2009 4:59 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Spoiler: Saving space and the environment and that's not how it works is it? |
Author: | LordWolfODonnell [ Wed Jul 29, 2009 5:06 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Spoiler: Another Blonde joke |
Author: | GigaHand [ Wed Jul 29, 2009 5:45 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Lots of these are funny. |
Author: | Grancko [ Wed Jul 29, 2009 6:09 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Why did the chicken cross the road? Why not? |
Author: | oddy [ Wed Jul 29, 2009 6:13 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
This one is awesome. Do you like fishsticks? Yes Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth? Then you must be a gay fish. |
Author: | Grancko [ Wed Jul 29, 2009 6:28 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
oddy wrote: This one is awesome. Do you like fishsticks? Yes Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth? Then you must be a gay fish. Yes. This wins. Two men walked into a bar. It hurt. |
Author: | GigaHand [ Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:38 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot. Why did the boy cross the road? He was chewing the gum. Why didn't the turkey cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken. A duck was standing at a road, waiting to cross. The chicken walked by and said "I wouldn't bother, you'll never hear the end of it." |
Author: | Jean Descole [ Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:10 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Awww, I don't know any non-dirty jokes. Oh well, here are some old blonde jokes. Q. How do you kill a blonde? A. Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool. (Alternately, put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool) Q. How can you tell a blonde has a blond boyfriend? A. There are bruises around her belly button. Q. What goes blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette? A. A blonde doing cartwheels. |
Author: | Mina-Chan [ Fri Jul 31, 2009 12:02 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Now for a lawyer joke! What is the difference between a lawyer in the middle of the road and a skunk in the middle of a road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk. |
Author: | MezcaMorii [ Fri Jul 31, 2009 1:47 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
*cracks knuckles* jokes are my specialty! Spoiler: Blonde Joke 1 Spoiler: Blonde Joke 2 (long) Spoiler: AAAND A Lawyer Joke. Q. How do you fit an elephant in the freezer? A. Open the door and put him in! Q. How do you fit a giraffe in the freezer? A. Open the door, take out the elephant, and put him in! Q. The king of the jungle is holding a meeting for all the animals to attend. One animal doesn't make it, which animal is it? A. The giraffe! He's still in the freezer! |
Author: | jammy927 [ Mon Aug 10, 2009 9:55 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Spoiler: |
Author: | Femme Fatale [ Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:26 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
MezcaMorii wrote: Q. How do you fit an elephant in the freezer? A. Open the door and put him in! Q. How do you fit a giraffe in the freezer? A. Open the door, take out the elephant, and put him in! Q. The king of the jungle is holding a meeting for all the animals to attend. One animal doesn't make it, which animal is it? A. The giraffe! He's still in the freezer! Q: You're travelling the jungle and you need to get across a crocodile-infested swamp. However, there are no bridges and nothing that you could use to make a bridge. How do you get across? A. Just swim across, the crocodiles are at the meeting held by the lion! Now, be prepared for horribly, horribly lame jokes. So a mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender noticed the mushroom and orders him to leave as they didn't accept his kind in the bar. And so the mushroom replies "What? Why? Give me a chance! I'm a FUNGHI!" How are an elephant and a peach similar? They're both gray... except for the peach. What's black and white and has wheels? A zebra. Sorry, I lied about the wheels. What's long and stick-like? A stick. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake? Bob "Could I have your number?" It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?" Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum Tish! Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Ok, how many people want to shoot me right about now? |
Author: | Jean Descole [ Thu Aug 13, 2009 4:23 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
SaraVera wrote: Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum Tish! That's a really good joke. |
Author: | Grancko [ Thu Aug 13, 2009 5:47 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Adrian in black wrote: SaraVera wrote: Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum Tish! That's a really good joke. Don't get it. |
Author: | Cobblepotter [ Thu Aug 13, 2009 9:26 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Ba dum tish is a string of beats played on a drum which used to emphasize a punchline of a joke. |
Author: | Mr. Bear Jew [ Thu Aug 13, 2009 9:44 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Here's one my aunt told me: An old guy walks into an ice cream parlor. He walks up to the counter to place his order. "I'll have a triple scoop cone", he says to the parlor boy. "I'll take a large scoop of strawberry, a large scoop of vanilla, and a large scoop of chocolate." The parlor boy says to the man, "Sir, I can give you strawberry and vanilla but we don't have any chocolate." The man says, "Oh... Well then, give me a large scoop of strawberry, a large scoop of vanilla, and a large scoop of chocolate." The parlor boy once again says, "Sir, I can give you strawberry and vanilla but we don't have any chocolate." The man says, "Oh, okay. Then, I'll just take a small scoop of strawberry, a small scoop of vanilla, and a small scoop of chocolate." The parlor boy, fed up with the old man, leans over the counter and says, "Sir, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?" "Uh...yes", the old man says. "Can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?" "Yes." "Can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?" The old man responds, "...There's no fuck in chocolate." The parlor boy screams, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" |
Author: | LordWolfODonnell [ Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:50 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Spoiler: Traditional Blonde Joke Spoiler: Intelligent Blonde Joke |
Author: | Cobblepotter [ Thu Aug 20, 2009 11:55 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
I hate going to weddings. The old people next to me always poke me and whisper in my ear, "you're next." So now, every time I go to funerals, I do the same thing to them. |
Author: | MattSamyel [ Thu Aug 20, 2009 9:29 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Grancko wrote: Two men walked into a bar. It hurt. Don't forget.. When two man walk... One goes right.. and the other has a hat. |
Author: | Yaragorm [ Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:04 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Ok, here's a few! Spoiler: Kinda dirty... Spoiler: More UK men Here's a riddle... A man gives one son 6 cents and his other son 19 cents. What time was it? Spoiler: Took me a while to understand this... |
Author: | Cobblepotter [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 2:18 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. (You'll probably have to say it out loud to get it) |
Author: | TheBaronAndEma [ Sun Aug 30, 2009 10:29 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Read this one a while ago. Spoiler: Blondes, sorry. Sorry if that's not funny, I'm crap at repaeting jokes. |
Author: | Romeo [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 10:01 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
A Hippo walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says: "That will be £30 please." Grumbling, the hippo hands over the money and drinks his beer. Then the bartender says, "You know, we don't usually have hippos here." And the hippo said, "At these prices it's no wonder!" __________________________ A man waks into a bar, this is how it goes: Give me a drink before my trouble starts. *Hands him a drink* Give me another drink before my trouble starts. (This goes on for ages.) Hey, you gonna pay for these? Now my trouble starts! (Runs out the door) __________________________ How many letters in the alphabet? 26, i think. (Walks in) How many letters in the alphabet? 24. No it's 26. No, it's 24, i just blew up B &Q's. ________________________________ Blonde jokes. I don't have anything against blondes, but their funny. Hey, look, a dead bird! (Looking upwards) Where? ____________________________________ (Both watching TV, a man is about to jump off a building) I bet you he jumps. Okay i bet you £5 he doesn't. (The man jumps off) I won't take the money, i watched this news report earlier today. So did I, I just didn't think he'd jump twice! That was a lot, wasn't it? Sorry if some have already been said, didn't read all of them. |
Author: | Romeo [ Mon Aug 31, 2009 10:10 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
( Forgot some ) Contains racisim Spoiler: I'm sure you've all heard this one before. It's the magic mountain. Contains swears Spoiler: |
Author: | antonis [ Sat Sep 05, 2009 4:39 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Knock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital. A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. What do you call a cat with no tail? A manx cat. Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.' Two blondes walk into a bar. They order their drinks and have a lovely night out. Rock,Paper NAZIS!!!!!!! |
Author: | oddy [ Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:04 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Those Jokes would probably take the prize for lamest jokes ever. |
Author: | Femme Fatale [ Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:09 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
... antonis... those will be my new replies whenever someone's trying to tell me a joke. |
Author: | Pierre [ Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:00 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Three friends are busted doing a bank robbery and are thrown in jail. In their cell they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and lo and behold a Genie comes out. Genie: Alright, I can grant you 3 wishes but since theres three of you thats one each! Prisoner 1: I wish I was out of here on a island with lots of riches. And so with a click of his finger the genie sends the prisoner to a nice villa on an island with lots of gold. Genie: Alright who's next? Prisoner 2: I wish I was back home with my family. And so with a click of his finger the genie sends the prisoner home to his family where he hugs his wife and kids. The last prisoner looks about the empty cell and sighs. Genie: So...what'll it be for you then? The prisoner gives it some thought before saying... Spoiler: "Punchline" |
Author: | Bad Player [ Sun Sep 06, 2009 1:02 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
MATH ALERT So x^2 has a party and invites all the other functions. At the party all the functions are partying and having a good time except e^x, who is staying in the corner by itself. Trying to be a good host, x^2 goes over to e^x and says, "C'mon, have some fun! Integrate yourself into the party!" and e^x says, "Why should I? It won't make a difference." A version of this was already told, but... Spoiler: Spoiler: really minor cursing =x Spoiler: I'm surprised no one's done this one... |
Author: | Grancko [ Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:35 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
oddy wrote: Those Jokes would probably take the prize for lamest jokes ever. ...You know I go by the nickname "Bad jokes man", right? |
Author: | GigaHand [ Thu Sep 10, 2009 7:19 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
I think he was talking to antonis. Just look at that post. |
Author: | Bad Player [ Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:59 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: Jokes? |
Ooh, I gots another one! Spoiler: Kinda dirty... |
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