ZAWA ZAWA
Gender: Female
Location: Bristol, Rhode Island
Rank: Decisive Witness
Joined: Tue May 14, 2013 10:21 pm
Posts: 172
My last sporking before my last year of school starts Wednesday. Might not have much time, but hopefully I'll get the first part of Athena's punishment sporking done before my birthday at the end of the month.
Title-
Drunkshoe's AdventureRating-
This fic isn't that bad at all. Edgeworth is mostly in character at least; only Franziska and Phoenix are not, which the author uses the "they're drunk!" excuse. There isn't much else to say about the fic besides that.
Now, let's meet our sporkers!
Miles Edgeworth! "The title of this fic should already make Detective Gumshoe look forward to his next salary hearing."
Dick Gumshoe! "B-but sir…"
and
Kay Faraday! "Don't be so mean to Gummy! He didn't write the fic."
[We find ourselves in our infamous sporking theatre. It's a bright and sunny day outside, the birds are chirping, and all is well. This, however, doesn't lighten the mood in the theatre.] Kay: Mr. Edgeworth, you better not cut Gummy's pay again. How do we even know if the fic is about him?
Edgeworth: Kay, this fic is titled "Drunkshoe's Adventure."
Kay: So? For all we know, it could be the adventures of a drunk shoe! You can't deny the possibility.
Edgeworth: How, exactly, is a shoe supposed to get drunk?
Kay: *shrugs* Dunno. We've seen weirder things happen in here.
Edgeworth: …It's a very sad fact that that is true.
Gumshoe: Kay's right, sir! It could be Shoe the cat who drank a bit of liquor!
Kay: Yeah! …Wait, Shoe the cat?
Gumshoe: That's the name of the cat of that actor who killed the Jammin' Ninja! The… Dime Samurai?
Edgeworth: That is the
Nickel Samurai, Detective!
Gumshoe: Yeah, him! I knew the Dime Samurai didn't sound right…
Kay: Poor kitty had to be owned by the person who ruined the Jammin' Ninja. See, Mr. Edgeworth? I told you the Jammin' Ninja was better than the Steel Samurai or any of its spin-offs!
Edgeworth: It doesn't matter to me which one is better.
Kay: Yeah, whatever you say.
Edgeworth: Nngh…
Quote:
Drunkshoe's Adventure
By: Batty Rose
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!
Edgeworth: It's the first line of the fic and we're greeted with caps-lock abuse. This is off to a great start, surely it is.
Kay: At least the author admitted that they don't own anything. They know I can come by and steal stuff at any time!
Edgeworth: Kay, please.
Gumshoe: Don't come and steal my money, or my instant noodles, pal.
Kay: Aw, you two should know that I'm only joking. I'm not
that kind of thief, I'm the Great Thief Yatagarasu who steals the truth!
Edgeworth: We're aware.
Quote:
Late one night, Phoenix Wright and the gang (the members of which constantly changed) held their traditional celebratory drinks and/or dinner night following yet another successful trial. Even his opponents, Miles Edgeworth and Dick Gumshoe, were present, as they typically were of late. Since they had moved on to the "drinks" part of the night, Maya and Pearl Fey had gone home, leaving a tipsy crew consisting of Phoenix, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Franziska von Karma (because she 'wanted to keep an eye on that scruffy idiot' or whatever), and Larry Butz, who was somehow the key witness for the sixth consecutive time.
Edgeworth: I'm not completely certain when this fic takes place, but if Maya isn't old enough to drink, then neither is Franziska. Also, if the prosecutor used Larry as their decisive witness, then their case must not have been very solid.
Kay: And I don't think Ms. von Karma would go out drinking after a trial. Or at least not with Mr. Wright and Maya involved.
Edgeworth: Don't forget Larry.
Quote:
"A toast!" Phoenix tittered as he raised his whiskey glass and pointed one finger in the direction his voice carried (which he always did when yelling, it turns out). "To me winning another case!"
Kay: …Does Mr. Wright… titter?
Edgeworth: No. I've also never seen Wright drink whiskey, or anything stronger than grape juice for that matter.
Kay: Does he really drink grape juice?
Edgeworth: I sincerely doubt it.
Quote:
A few people mumbled. Phoenix frowned at the lack of enthusiasm.
"Also, drinks are on me!" he added.
The bar burst into cheers and applause, to which the attorney clumsily bowed.
Edgeworth: Wright is
volunteering to pay? Especially for something as expensive as alcohol? Now I know he's out of character.
Gumshoe: Yeah! We always force him to pay, and the look on his face makes
me want to treat him.
Quote:
"That idiot," muttered Edgeworth. "He only got lucky."
"I know!" Gumshoe boomed in reply. "Heck, if you were on the case, we woulda won for sure, sure. I mean, sir. We woulda won for sir, sure. No, wait." He took a swig of his beer. "Aw, who cares? Free drinks!" Another cheer erupted through the room.
Edgeworth: Detective Gumshoe. I hope you don't mix up words like that on a regular basis.
Gumshoe: Of course not, Mr. Edgeworth, sir! Although you have to admit that they
are pretty easy to mix up.
Edgeworth: …Indeed.
Gumshoe: I-I don't like the way you said that, sir…
Quote:
Edgeworth rolled his eyes and whispered, "Such a moron."
Kay: Are you calling Gummy that?
Edgeworth: I believe I am. However, I am not particularly fond of the word "moron."
Quote:
"Yoo-hoo! Larryyy~" Franziska called out. "Where aaaaaare yooou?"
All: …
Edgeworth: I… I am glad that Franziska isn't here to see this.
Kay: Yeah, she'll probably have a fit.
Gumshoe: And I'd be her whipping target for sure, pal!
Quote:
He was sobbing in the corner about something, but Franziska didn't notice.
"Her, too?" The prosecutor sighed and massaged his forehead. "Tell me something, Gumshoe. Why do people enjoy the drunken company of others?"
Edgeworth: That's something I often ask myself, actually.
Kay: It's because they can all act silly and have an excuse to do so!
Edgeworth: But why would people want to act like that in the first place?
Kay: Because they think it fun? Duh.
Edgeworth: …Right. How silly of me.
Quote:
"Um..." The detective paused and blinked. "Because they're drunk too, sure?"
"Wrong word."
"Right! Sir!" He snapped to attention.
"At ease."
Kay: I liked my explanation better. Also, what's that "at ease" for?
Edgeworth: I think it's because the detective was nervous when he answered me.
Kay: …But the way it was put in made it sound like you answered your own question.
Edgeworth: Well then, the author simply needs to be more cautious when writing their dialogue.
Quote:
Gumshoe relaxed. "Hey. Why don't you have a drink, sir?"
"Because I pride myself on my public image," replied Edgeworth coolly. He traced his finger along the edge of his glass of water. "I rather wish all of you did as well."
"Uh. Good point, sir."
Edgeworth: Yes, it really would be nice if everyone payed more attention to their dignity.
Gumshoe: I pay very much attention to my dignity, sir! I have enough respect in myself to not put
too much salt in my instant noodles, unless it's a special occasion. I want to keep myself in good health, or else I might not be able to pay my medical bills.
Kay: Um…
Edgeworth: Moving on…
Quote:
As the night continued, so did the drinking, and the collective alcohol intake of the group rose to uncomfortable levels. Almost everybody wound up going home after an embarrassing encounter between Larry and a row of bar stools,
Edgeworth: I really don't want to know the details between Larry and those bar stools.
Kay: Maybe he was so drunk that he ended walking in to them and they all fell on the floor?
Edgeworth: … (I've been around Wright too much. I believe his mind is starting to become contagious…)
Quote:
and the prosecutor and his sidekick followed suit. The former rolled his eyes again as he kept a steady arm around the latter.
"Thanks," Gumshoe slurred. "You're a real pal."
"I'm just doing my duty as a good samaritan," said Edgeworth. "Had you stayed longer, your smell would have put that bar out of business."
"Haaa! That's funny."
"I wasn't joking."
"Huh? Y-you weren't?" Gumshoe strained to understand, making his balance even worse.
Gumshoe: H-Hey, I don't stink! D-Do I?
Edgeworth: Well, no, but it wouldn't hurt to wash your coat.
Gumshoe: Hmm… I'll see if I have any spare change to go to the dry-cleaners. No promises though.
Kay: Is it really that bad, Gummy?
Gumshoe: No, no it's not. I'm perfectly fine, don't you worry about me! *pulls out wallet* See? I just got this new wallet the other day!
Kay: Really? Where'd you get it?
Gumshoe: Err, I don't, uh, remember.
Quote:
Edgeworth barely managed to pull him back after he stumbled too far to the side.
"Careful!" he scolded. "You'll fall off the sidewalk."
"Oh. Sorry." They continued in silence for another block. "Hhhey, Sir?"
Kay: How do you pronounce all those H's together?
Edgeworth: It seems that it's supposed to be a stutter.
Kay: That's not how you write a stutter, though. It sounds like he's out of breath.
Edgeworth: … (Don't say anything. The detective would most likely get offended and Kay is here as well.)
Quote:
Edgeworth sighed. "What is it?"
"Can..." The detective concentrated on speaking as slowly and clearly as he could. "Can I... call you Edgeworth?"
"... I suppose."
Gumshoe: Really? Can I, sir?
Edgeworth: No. It is not respectful to be calling your superior by their last name without a "Mr." or "Ms." before it.
Gumshoe: What if you weren't my superior anymore?
Edgeworth: …Then I suppose you could. (Actually, where in canon is he from? Is he even a detective anymore?)
Speakers:
The management would like to remind Miles Edgeworth that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.Edgeworth: Nnnh, stop reading my thoughts! It's unnerving.
Quote:
Gumshoe smiled. "R-really? Then, can I call you Miles?"
Edgeworth: Absolutely not.
Quote:
"Absolutely not."
Kay: Echo!
Gumshoe: W-Wow, how'd you do that, sir? That's amazing!
Edgeworth: This is what happens when the author writes someone in character, for once. Credit when credit is due, I didn't do anything.
Kay: By the way Mr. Edgeworth, why do you hate your first name so much?
Edgeworth: What are you talking about? I do not dislike my first name.
Kay: Really? Who calls you by that name, then?
Edgeworth: My father did. As did my school teachers.
Kay: Who else?
Edgeworth: Mr. Shields, of course
Kay: And?
Edgeworth: And… that's it.
Kay: You definitely don't like your first name.
Edgeworth: …I'm not going to argue with you anymore.
Quote:
"Oh." He looked dejected for a second, but then snapped back into his grin. "Hey, Edgeworth!"
"What now?"
"That's it." He pointed in the general direction of an apartment building that looked like it was about to fall apart. "That's my place."
"Oh." Edgeworth wrinkled his nose. True, he'd heard of Gumshoe's... unfortunate inability to earn more than minimum wage, but this place was just awful.
Kay: How have you only
heard that he can't make minimum wage? You're the one who put him in that state!
Gumshoe: Mr. Edgeworth is plenty generous, pal.
Kay: *to Edgeworth* How much did you brainwash him?
Edgeworth: I didn't brainwash anybody!
Quote:
He watched as the poor guy fumbled with his keys, trying to unlock the front door but not even almost hitting his target. He sighed. "Give me the keys."
Gumshoe sulked and handed them over. Edgeworth watched him from the corner of his eye while thumbing through the keys, worried that the oaf might manage to injure himself by simply standing still. It could happen, he figured. The guy was drunk, after all. Then the door clicked open. Gumshoe's eyes lit up. "Thanks, pal! I'll see ya tomorrow."
"Not so fast," corrected Edgeworth, putting his arm around the big guy again. "I'm not leaving until you're in your apartment. You'll probably kill yourself on those stairs."
"Aaaahh, you're always so w-worried." But Gumshoe didn't object to the help.
Edgeworth: I am not.
Kay: Yeah you are. Remember that one time you-
Edgeworth: We don't need to bring up old things, Kay. That was a long time ago, at least from where I'm from.
Speakers:
Miles, stop breaking the fourth wall already. It's getting annoying.Edgeworth: …
Kay: Look, now you have someone new to add to your list of people who call you Miles!
Edgeworth: *sigh*
Quote:
He had a giant, goofy smile on his face the whole time they climbed the stairs. By the time they reached the top, Edgeworth was huffing and grabbing his knees to stay standing.
"Please tell me this is your floor," he wheezed.
Gumshoe stumbled to a door just a couple feet away and reached for his pocket. His face fell with confusion as he started searching his gigantic coat's infinite supply of pockets.
Gumshoe: But I only have two pockets…
Edgeworth: By the way this is going, this fic should be re-titled as "Annoyed Edgeworth's Boring Adventure."
Gumshoe: Aw, but I like it when a fic stars me.
Quote:
Edgeworth sighed and said, "I still have the keys." Then he proceeded to unlock the door. "Here you go," he dropped the keys in Gumshoe's hand. "Now, are you sure you'll be al-"
Kay: -Alive in the morning?
Edgeworth: -All right by yourself?
Kay: -Alienated with a hangover when you wake up?
Edgeworth: -Allowed to come into work tomorrow?
Kay: That's just mean! You're going to fire him just because he had a little to drink?
Edgeworth: A
little? He can barely walk up the stairs without being held onto! Although, of course, the detective isn't much different, drunk or not.
Gumshoe: I'm sitting right here…
Quote:
Suddenly, his air supply was cut off due to a serious case of bear hug. "Oof! Gumshoe! Get off of me!"
The detective only responded by squeezing him tighter. "I love you, pal!" he sobbed. "I really do."
All: …
Edgeworth: I-I *closes eyes*
Speakers:
Miles, you're required to pay attention to the sporking.Kay: Do you want me to take care of them, Mr. Edgeworth?
Edgeworth: N-No. I don't want what'll happen to Ms. Cykes to happen to you. *opens eyes* He's supposed to be drunk, so I suppose we could… we could let it slide.
Kay: But you just said that he was no different drunk or n-
Edgeworth: Don't remind me of what I just said, Kay.
Quote:
Too surprised and constricted to react, Edgeworth stood completely still. Several uncomfortable seconds later, Gumshoe's crying began to calm down. The prosecutor cleared his throat. "Hey. Gumshoe."
"Yessir?"
"Get off of me."
"R-right!" He let go so fast, he nearly knocked Edgeworth over. "Sorry!" he hiccuped.
"You're forgiven." The smaller guy steadied himself and knocked some dust from his sleeves. "Now go sleep this off. I want you fully recovered when you're back on duty tomorrow."
"Yes, sir!" Gumshoe paused as if he was deciding something. Then, very quickly and almost as clumsily, he leaned forward and planted a scratchy kiss on Edgeworth's cheek.
Edgeworth: …
Gumshoe: Um, sir, while I like you and respect you, I would never-
Edgeworth: Detective, please. Don't.
Gumshoe: S-Sorry…
Quote:
The latter stiffened in alarm as the former beamed, shouted, "G'night!" and bolted inside.
It took a few minutes for Edgeworth to compose himself enough to leave.
He was just drunk, he told himself. Just act like it never happened.
Edgeworth: Yes. Let us please do that.
Kay: Well, maybe if you were drunk too, you could forget all of this!
Quote:
And yet, as he walked home, he pondered the kiss some more. In its own stupid, clumsy, ridiculous way, that oaf's affection was... pleasant. Endearing, even.
Edgeworth: No! Not pleasant! Not endearing! Those two words don't
work with Detective Gumshoe!
Gumshoe: H-Hey…
Kay: Gummy's pleasant to be around! He's a nice guy and is funny! *to Gumshoe* Don't listen to him, he's just a sour puss today.
Edgeworth: …
Quote:
Edgeworth smiled.
Maybe I like this drink night tradition after all.
Edgeworth: I definitely do not.
Gumshoe: If it helps, I wouldn't really ever have more than one glass. So, you don't have to worry about that, sir!
Quote:
Fin
Edgeworth: Thanks goodness.
[The lights turn on.]Edgeworth: Let's go.
Gumshoe: *confused* F-Fins?
Edgeworth: *sigh* It's a French word for "the end" and some people like to use at the end of movies and some stories.
Gumshoe: O-Oh, you learn something new every day!
Edgeworth: Honestly, Detective. For not knowing something as easy as that, I have half a mind to-
Kay: *punches him in the arm* Stop it, Mr. Edgeworth!
Edgeworth: -To buy you a dictionary.
Gumshoe: R-Really, sir? Oh boy, that sounds great! I can finally put something on that shelf of mine. Do you think it'll look good on the right or left side of the shelf? You know, I think-
[And so, another sporking come to its end. The fic wasn't too bad this time, but how about the next? Who knows what this wonderful theatre has in store for the future! We'll see you next time!]
Last edited by Skittlemask on Mon Oct 26, 2015 7:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.