Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Didn't this thread only have like five pages a little over a year ago?

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

Well, with how the forums lately has reached 1e6 posts outside of the random chat subforums, I think our community has grown quite a lot. It kinda went into a slump around the time I first joined, and it was some time after GK2 was announced to not be localized, so I've been around to see things slowly build back up to now.

This thread has been among one of the more popular ones, for obvious reasons.

Speaking of mine in progress, since it's so dang long and I still would like to get through a good deal of it before I may eventually quit, I think I may need to cut out plenty to skip through these chapters. If anyone's been waiting for a punishment sporking, I think this one may be one just right. Leave it to me, guys.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Wasn't it kinda... dead before I started posting in it...?

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

It was, back when Pessimistic seemed to be the only one who'd stop by and post an update or something. Little_Thief had a pretty good solo run too when I first came upon this thread in my earliest forum-browsing days. Then, when I introduced you here, things started getting lively. It was around the time when I became inspired to write my own sporkings as well.

Funny how things happened and we're now the two most prominent figures in the thread.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

This is really the only thread I post in on this forum, too...

[luck]

Well, with how the forums lately has reached 1e6 posts outside of the random chat subforums, I think our community has grown quite a lot. It kinda went into a slump around the time I first joined, and it was some time after GK2 was announced to not be localized, so I've been around to see things slowly build back up to now.

This thread has been among one of the more popular ones, for obvious reasons.

Speaking of mine in progress, since it's so dang long and I still would like to get through a good deal of it before I may eventually quit, I think I may need to cut out plenty to skip through these chapters. If anyone's been waiting for a punishment sporking, I think this one may be one just right. Leave it to me, guys.

But a punishment for who? With that fic, it could be anyone XD.


It seems DD did wonders for this fandom. I guess it's just natural. A new game in the main series after six years is pretty big. Actually, I had pretty much forgotten about AA when a friend told me about it. And that's basically how I ended up here.

[Pessimistic_Fool]

Please keep in mind that you can spork the really awful fics at any time, you don't need to use them as a punishment for anybody. Sometimes, life is just unfair, especially for our sporkers. ;)

Also, I think the reason the thread has grown that much is because there are now so many posts of fic recommendations. I don't think we had so many of those back then.

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@Rubia I'd offer to help w/ Hellspawn but I'm still trudging through Turnabout Storm while trying to manage college.

Speaking of Turnabout Storm, my latest 3-parter could probably qualify as a Phoenix punishment spork due to what Discord puts him through.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

I'm so glad I brought in Management!Discord. Probably the best idea I've ever had in this thread.

Might post a sporking in the next few days. Maybe even as early as later tonight. I just need to pick out a fic.

[Oliver]

Hmm, a French fic... I was translating fanfiction the other day, although this one is twice as long and looks like it might be better?
It's called Miles Edgeworth's Investigations: Royal Turnabout and the summary says, "A recently reunified country is now threatening to split. It's up to prosecutor Miles Edgeworth to stop a new civil war. For this, the investigation must progress quickly and efficiently, but time is so short and the investigation so complex and unpredictable, even for the brilliant prosecutor."
Honestly, that sounds pretty good. Although it is interesting that they're calling him Miles Edgeworth instead of Benjamin Hunter, his localized name in France. (That Gavincest(?) French fic a while back did the same thing, actually, with Klavier being called Klavier instead of Konrad.)
By this time tomorrow, plus an hour, I'll have examples of my translation work up on one of my Tumblrs, so I'll link them here and then if anyone wants the translation of this fic, I might go for it...

I used my "Super Mega Ultra" Google Translate and noticed how cool it sounded, and I love AAI, exactly why I recommended it.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Eh, I don't think it'd make a good sporking, especially considering how much effort it'd take to translate it...

[Oliver]

I've never translated anything so I have no clue how much effort it'd take. I just boot up Google Translate and see a really effed up translation.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Well, at least, if you're going to Google Translate something, French is a good from-language, since it's similar to English... but yes, even my awful translation skills >>>>>> any automatic translation software. Ever.
(Tomorrow I'll post a link to an example of my translation.)

[Oliver]

I'm starting to spork CykesFiction right now.

[DrOcsid]

The author of Phoenix Wright Speed Attorney has "blessed" us with another fanfic...

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11473315/1 ... M-attorney

God, I hope these two get sporked.

[Oliver]

That was a wonderful piece of fiction. *sarcasm deactivate*

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Okay, here's that translation example I promised. It's a two-parter, which is why I had to hold off on posting it. Thoughts, anyone? Worth subjecting a French AA fic to?

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

I have little to no knowledge of French, so I can't say if it's the most accurate/suitable translation, but it looks like a fine job and I see no problem with you translating a French AA fic. Honestly, I'm already impressed that you went through all that when there are "a lot of misspellings" as you mentioned. That's one of the more annoying issues that translators can face.

Although, it does make me curious if there are Japanese (or even Chinese) fics I can find that do have typos and such to play with. I'm just not sure how to search for them.

Edit: It's more like I can't decide on what to pick. Then again, Pixiv actually has a rating system. Maybe I could start there...

[Oliver]

I'll try and look for some for you, Rubia.
EDIT: I found only one Chinese fic and no Japanese fics on Fanfiction, but this one apparently already has a translation.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10600143/1/Perspective


And I found this English fic which seems...interesting...

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

I won't need a new fic at the moment, since I have a 55-chapter fic on queue, but maybe next time, I could try my hand with a foreign fic as well.

Regarding punishment sporkings, I'm not writing mine as one, especially with how many characters I'm currently testing it with. But, it could still become one, especially from the third chapter and on. We'll see how it goes.

Wait, who was it again who wanted Ray in it? I could definitely write him in. He'd make a great pair with Kay.

In other related news, I've been working on a program I've written in C++ that essentially helps me build sporkings without always needing to hit those BBCode icons. Maybe I could use it some day to help write some of these. I'm still working out some kinks, but so far, it feels like such a nice little convenience.

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@Rubia It was me!

Spoiler:

I wanted to see what he made of "WrightWorth Law Offices." That name...

[AireyVerkhovensky]

I also wanted Ray!

Your C++ program sounds interesting. And I'm always interested in sporking-related programs....

[cuteyounggirlplus]

Look what I found:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4353197/1/Gantanic

If you haven't guessed already, it's a crackfic based off of the movie Titanic. Complete.

[Oliver]

....I haven't read it yet, but why does everyone use Gant in these types of fics if it isn't a main character?

Edit: Wait...Gant doesn't seem to appear...Why is the title so misleading?

[luck]

Of course he appears. He's the protagonist, namely, the boat. People just like to add him to any kind of stories in many different ways, because well...Gant is awesome. And a meme.

[Oliver]

It's probably best I don't question it...
I found this fic and uhh...Ace Attorney Time Tales
And then there's this which is just like it sounds. How it Should Have Ended

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@ob9410 Ace Attorney Time Tales. Wow, the composition of that fanfic. I can't even tell what is supposed to be going on. (Although, it's obviously a troll fic.)

[Oliver]

@ob9410 Ace Attorney Time Tales. Wow, the composition of that fanfic. I can't even tell what is supposed to be going on. (Although, it's obviously a troll fic.)

Clearly, but that's no excuse to have an office explode and Apollo being Maya's bride and...

I found another fic... Adventures of the Ace Match Makers
And two of those kinds of fics. evr1 420 yolos it
And this may be too short, but here's the second one Kristoph Makes Toast

[Skittlemask]

My last sporking before my last year of school starts Wednesday. Might not have much time, but hopefully I'll get the first part of Athena's punishment sporking done before my birthday at the end of the month.

Title- Drunkshoe's Adventure
Rating-
This fic isn't that bad at all. Edgeworth is mostly in character at least; only Franziska and Phoenix are not, which the author uses the "they're drunk!" excuse. There isn't much else to say about the fic besides that.
Now, let's meet our sporkers!
Miles Edgeworth!
"The title of this fic should already make Detective Gumshoe look forward to his next salary hearing."
Dick Gumshoe!
"B-but sir…"
and Kay Faraday!
"Don't be so mean to Gummy! He didn't write the fic."

[We find ourselves in our infamous sporking theatre. It's a bright and sunny day outside, the birds are chirping, and all is well. This, however, doesn't lighten the mood in the theatre.]

Kay: Mr. Edgeworth, you better not cut Gummy's pay again. How do we even know if the fic is about him?

Edgeworth: Kay, this fic is titled "Drunkshoe's Adventure."

Kay: So? For all we know, it could be the adventures of a drunk shoe! You can't deny the possibility.

Edgeworth: How, exactly, is a shoe supposed to get drunk?

Kay: *shrugs* Dunno. We've seen weirder things happen in here.

Edgeworth: …It's a very sad fact that that is true.

Gumshoe: Kay's right, sir! It could be Shoe the cat who drank a bit of liquor!

Kay: Yeah! …Wait, Shoe the cat?

Gumshoe: That's the name of the cat of that actor who killed the Jammin' Ninja! The… Dime Samurai?

Edgeworth: That is the Nickel Samurai, Detective!

Gumshoe: Yeah, him! I knew the Dime Samurai didn't sound right…

Kay: Poor kitty had to be owned by the person who ruined the Jammin' Ninja. See, Mr. Edgeworth? I told you the Jammin' Ninja was better than the Steel Samurai or any of its spin-offs!

Edgeworth: It doesn't matter to me which one is better.

Kay: Yeah, whatever you say.

Edgeworth: Nngh…

Drunkshoe's Adventure
By: Batty Rose
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!

Edgeworth: It's the first line of the fic and we're greeted with caps-lock abuse. This is off to a great start, surely it is.

Kay: At least the author admitted that they don't own anything. They know I can come by and steal stuff at any time!

Edgeworth: Kay, please.

Gumshoe: Don't come and steal my money, or my instant noodles, pal.

Kay: Aw, you two should know that I'm only joking. I'm not that kind of thief, I'm the Great Thief Yatagarasu who steals the truth!

Edgeworth: We're aware.

Late one night, Phoenix Wright and the gang (the members of which constantly changed) held their traditional celebratory drinks and/or dinner night following yet another successful trial. Even his opponents, Miles Edgeworth and Dick Gumshoe, were present, as they typically were of late. Since they had moved on to the "drinks" part of the night, Maya and Pearl Fey had gone home, leaving a tipsy crew consisting of Phoenix, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Franziska von Karma (because she 'wanted to keep an eye on that scruffy idiot' or whatever), and Larry Butz, who was somehow the key witness for the sixth consecutive time.

Edgeworth: I'm not completely certain when this fic takes place, but if Maya isn't old enough to drink, then neither is Franziska. Also, if the prosecutor used Larry as their decisive witness, then their case must not have been very solid.

Kay: And I don't think Ms. von Karma would go out drinking after a trial. Or at least not with Mr. Wright and Maya involved.

Edgeworth: Don't forget Larry.

"A toast!" Phoenix tittered as he raised his whiskey glass and pointed one finger in the direction his voice carried (which he always did when yelling, it turns out). "To me winning another case!"

Kay: …Does Mr. Wright… titter?

Edgeworth: No. I've also never seen Wright drink whiskey, or anything stronger than grape juice for that matter.

Kay: Does he really drink grape juice?

Edgeworth: I sincerely doubt it.

A few people mumbled. Phoenix frowned at the lack of enthusiasm.

"Also, drinks are on me!" he added.

The bar burst into cheers and applause, to which the attorney clumsily bowed.

Edgeworth: Wright is volunteering to pay? Especially for something as expensive as alcohol? Now I know he's out of character.

Gumshoe: Yeah! We always force him to pay, and the look on his face makes me want to treat him.

"That idiot," muttered Edgeworth. "He only got lucky."

"I know!" Gumshoe boomed in reply. "Heck, if you were on the case, we woulda won for sure, sure. I mean, sir. We woulda won for sir, sure. No, wait." He took a swig of his beer. "Aw, who cares? Free drinks!" Another cheer erupted through the room.

Edgeworth: Detective Gumshoe. I hope you don't mix up words like that on a regular basis.

Gumshoe: Of course not, Mr. Edgeworth, sir! Although you have to admit that they are pretty easy to mix up.

Edgeworth: …Indeed.

Gumshoe: I-I don't like the way you said that, sir…

Edgeworth rolled his eyes and whispered, "Such a moron."

Kay: Are you calling Gummy that?

Edgeworth: I believe I am. However, I am not particularly fond of the word "moron."

"Yoo-hoo! Larryyy~" Franziska called out. "Where aaaaaare yooou?"

All: …

Edgeworth: I… I am glad that Franziska isn't here to see this.

Kay: Yeah, she'll probably have a fit.

Gumshoe: And I'd be her whipping target for sure, pal!

He was sobbing in the corner about something, but Franziska didn't notice.

"Her, too?" The prosecutor sighed and massaged his forehead. "Tell me something, Gumshoe. Why do people enjoy the drunken company of others?"

Edgeworth: That's something I often ask myself, actually.

Kay: It's because they can all act silly and have an excuse to do so!

Edgeworth: But why would people want to act like that in the first place?

Kay: Because they think it fun? Duh.

Edgeworth: …Right. How silly of me.

"Um..." The detective paused and blinked. "Because they're drunk too, sure?"

"Wrong word."

"Right! Sir!" He snapped to attention.

"At ease."

Kay: I liked my explanation better. Also, what's that "at ease" for?

Edgeworth: I think it's because the detective was nervous when he answered me.

Kay: …But the way it was put in made it sound like you answered your own question.

Edgeworth: Well then, the author simply needs to be more cautious when writing their dialogue.

Gumshoe relaxed. "Hey. Why don't you have a drink, sir?"

"Because I pride myself on my public image," replied Edgeworth coolly. He traced his finger along the edge of his glass of water. "I rather wish all of you did as well."

"Uh. Good point, sir."

Edgeworth: Yes, it really would be nice if everyone payed more attention to their dignity.

Gumshoe: I pay very much attention to my dignity, sir! I have enough respect in myself to not put too much salt in my instant noodles, unless it's a special occasion. I want to keep myself in good health, or else I might not be able to pay my medical bills.

Kay: Um…

Edgeworth: Moving on…

As the night continued, so did the drinking, and the collective alcohol intake of the group rose to uncomfortable levels. Almost everybody wound up going home after an embarrassing encounter between Larry and a row of bar stools,

Edgeworth: I really don't want to know the details between Larry and those bar stools.

Kay: Maybe he was so drunk that he ended walking in to them and they all fell on the floor?

Edgeworth: … (I've been around Wright too much. I believe his mind is starting to become contagious…)

and the prosecutor and his sidekick followed suit. The former rolled his eyes again as he kept a steady arm around the latter.

"Thanks," Gumshoe slurred. "You're a real pal."

"I'm just doing my duty as a good samaritan," said Edgeworth. "Had you stayed longer, your smell would have put that bar out of business."

"Haaa! That's funny."

"I wasn't joking."

"Huh? Y-you weren't?" Gumshoe strained to understand, making his balance even worse.

Gumshoe: H-Hey, I don't stink! D-Do I?

Edgeworth: Well, no, but it wouldn't hurt to wash your coat.

Gumshoe: Hmm… I'll see if I have any spare change to go to the dry-cleaners. No promises though.

Kay: Is it really that bad, Gummy?

Gumshoe: No, no it's not. I'm perfectly fine, don't you worry about me! *pulls out wallet* See? I just got this new wallet the other day!

Kay: Really? Where'd you get it?

Gumshoe: Err, I don't, uh, remember.

Edgeworth barely managed to pull him back after he stumbled too far to the side.

"Careful!" he scolded. "You'll fall off the sidewalk."

"Oh. Sorry." They continued in silence for another block. "Hhhey, Sir?"

Kay: How do you pronounce all those H's together?

Edgeworth: It seems that it's supposed to be a stutter.

Kay: That's not how you write a stutter, though. It sounds like he's out of breath.

Edgeworth: … (Don't say anything. The detective would most likely get offended and Kay is here as well.)

Edgeworth sighed. "What is it?"

"Can..." The detective concentrated on speaking as slowly and clearly as he could. "Can I... call you Edgeworth?"

"... I suppose."

Gumshoe: Really? Can I, sir?

Edgeworth: No. It is not respectful to be calling your superior by their last name without a "Mr." or "Ms." before it.

Gumshoe: What if you weren't my superior anymore?

Edgeworth: …Then I suppose you could. (Actually, where in canon is he from? Is he even a detective anymore?)

Speakers: The management would like to remind Miles Edgeworth that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.

Edgeworth: Nnnh, stop reading my thoughts! It's unnerving.

Gumshoe smiled. "R-really? Then, can I call you Miles?"

Edgeworth: Absolutely not.

"Absolutely not."

Kay: Echo!

Gumshoe: W-Wow, how'd you do that, sir? That's amazing!

Edgeworth: This is what happens when the author writes someone in character, for once. Credit when credit is due, I didn't do anything.

Kay: By the way Mr. Edgeworth, why do you hate your first name so much?

Edgeworth: What are you talking about? I do not dislike my first name.

Kay: Really? Who calls you by that name, then?

Edgeworth: My father did. As did my school teachers.

Kay: Who else?

Edgeworth: Mr. Shields, of course

Kay: And?

Edgeworth: And… that's it.

Kay: You definitely don't like your first name.

Edgeworth: …I'm not going to argue with you anymore.

"Oh." He looked dejected for a second, but then snapped back into his grin. "Hey, Edgeworth!"

"What now?"

"That's it." He pointed in the general direction of an apartment building that looked like it was about to fall apart. "That's my place."

"Oh." Edgeworth wrinkled his nose. True, he'd heard of Gumshoe's... unfortunate inability to earn more than minimum wage, but this place was just awful.

Kay: How have you only heard that he can't make minimum wage? You're the one who put him in that state!

Gumshoe: Mr. Edgeworth is plenty generous, pal.

Kay: *to Edgeworth* How much did you brainwash him?

Edgeworth: I didn't brainwash anybody!

He watched as the poor guy fumbled with his keys, trying to unlock the front door but not even almost hitting his target. He sighed. "Give me the keys."

Gumshoe sulked and handed them over. Edgeworth watched him from the corner of his eye while thumbing through the keys, worried that the oaf might manage to injure himself by simply standing still. It could happen, he figured. The guy was drunk, after all. Then the door clicked open. Gumshoe's eyes lit up. "Thanks, pal! I'll see ya tomorrow."

"Not so fast," corrected Edgeworth, putting his arm around the big guy again. "I'm not leaving until you're in your apartment. You'll probably kill yourself on those stairs."

"Aaaahh, you're always so w-worried." But Gumshoe didn't object to the help.

Edgeworth: I am not.

Kay: Yeah you are. Remember that one time you-

Edgeworth: We don't need to bring up old things, Kay. That was a long time ago, at least from where I'm from.

Speakers: Miles, stop breaking the fourth wall already. It's getting annoying.

Edgeworth: …

Kay: Look, now you have someone new to add to your list of people who call you Miles!

Edgeworth: *sigh*

He had a giant, goofy smile on his face the whole time they climbed the stairs. By the time they reached the top, Edgeworth was huffing and grabbing his knees to stay standing.

"Please tell me this is your floor," he wheezed.

Gumshoe stumbled to a door just a couple feet away and reached for his pocket. His face fell with confusion as he started searching his gigantic coat's infinite supply of pockets.

Gumshoe: But I only have two pockets…

Edgeworth: By the way this is going, this fic should be re-titled as "Annoyed Edgeworth's Boring Adventure."

Gumshoe: Aw, but I like it when a fic stars me.

Edgeworth sighed and said, "I still have the keys." Then he proceeded to unlock the door. "Here you go," he dropped the keys in Gumshoe's hand. "Now, are you sure you'll be al-"

Kay: -Alive in the morning?

Edgeworth: -All right by yourself?

Kay: -Alienated with a hangover when you wake up?

Edgeworth: -Allowed to come into work tomorrow?

Kay: That's just mean! You're going to fire him just because he had a little to drink?

Edgeworth: A little? He can barely walk up the stairs without being held onto! Although, of course, the detective isn't much different, drunk or not.

Gumshoe: I'm sitting right here…

Suddenly, his air supply was cut off due to a serious case of bear hug. "Oof! Gumshoe! Get off of me!"

The detective only responded by squeezing him tighter. "I love you, pal!" he sobbed. "I really do."

All: …

Edgeworth: I-I *closes eyes*

Speakers: Miles, you're required to pay attention to the sporking.

Kay: Do you want me to take care of them, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: N-No. I don't want what'll happen to Ms. Cykes to happen to you. *opens eyes* He's supposed to be drunk, so I suppose we could… we could let it slide.

Kay: But you just said that he was no different drunk or n-

Edgeworth: Don't remind me of what I just said, Kay.

Too surprised and constricted to react, Edgeworth stood completely still. Several uncomfortable seconds later, Gumshoe's crying began to calm down. The prosecutor cleared his throat. "Hey. Gumshoe."

"Yessir?"

"Get off of me."

"R-right!" He let go so fast, he nearly knocked Edgeworth over. "Sorry!" he hiccuped.

"You're forgiven." The smaller guy steadied himself and knocked some dust from his sleeves. "Now go sleep this off. I want you fully recovered when you're back on duty tomorrow."

"Yes, sir!" Gumshoe paused as if he was deciding something. Then, very quickly and almost as clumsily, he leaned forward and planted a scratchy kiss on Edgeworth's cheek.

Edgeworth: …

Gumshoe: Um, sir, while I like you and respect you, I would never-

Edgeworth: Detective, please. Don't.

Gumshoe: S-Sorry…

The latter stiffened in alarm as the former beamed, shouted, "G'night!" and bolted inside.

It took a few minutes for Edgeworth to compose himself enough to leave.

He was just drunk, he told himself. Just act like it never happened.

Edgeworth: Yes. Let us please do that.

Kay: Well, maybe if you were drunk too, you could forget all of this!

And yet, as he walked home, he pondered the kiss some more. In its own stupid, clumsy, ridiculous way, that oaf's affection was... pleasant. Endearing, even.

Edgeworth: No! Not pleasant! Not endearing! Those two words don't work with Detective Gumshoe!

Gumshoe: H-Hey…

Kay: Gummy's pleasant to be around! He's a nice guy and is funny! *to Gumshoe* Don't listen to him, he's just a sour puss today.

Edgeworth: …

Edgeworth smiled.

Maybe I like this drink night tradition after all.

Edgeworth: I definitely do not.

Gumshoe: If it helps, I wouldn't really ever have more than one glass. So, you don't have to worry about that, sir!

Fin

Edgeworth: Thanks goodness.

[The lights turn on.]

Edgeworth: Let's go.

Gumshoe: *confused* F-Fins?

Edgeworth: *sigh* It's a French word for "the end" and some people like to use at the end of movies and some stories.

Gumshoe: O-Oh, you learn something new every day!

Edgeworth: Honestly, Detective. For not knowing something as easy as that, I have half a mind to-

Kay: *punches him in the arm* Stop it, Mr. Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: -To buy you a dictionary.

Gumshoe: R-Really, sir? Oh boy, that sounds great! I can finally put something on that shelf of mine. Do you think it'll look good on the right or left side of the shelf? You know, I think-

[And so, another sporking come to its end. The fic wasn't too bad this time, but how about the next? Who knows what this wonderful theatre has in store for the future! We'll see you next time!]

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Ahahaha, poor Gumshoe. Really a shame that more fanfics don't star him, actually. And nice sporking! Always good to have Gummy in the theatre; he's one of those "unexpectedly funny" types.

Might do Kink Meme Special II sometime in the next few days, maybe even as early as tonight. I went on a slash hunt today and now I really need to go back to clearing out my Badfic folder....

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

Poor Gumshoe. He may be the "unexpectedly funny" type, but every time he flubs on something, it makes me think that he's not receiving enough nutrition to his brain.

Speaking of which, could someone remind me who is doing Athena's punishment sporking? I feel it's a little pressed to force her in my sporking when I'm letting Kay and Ray take the spotlight.

[Skittlemask]

Speaking of which, could someone remind me who is doing Athena's punishment sporking? I feel it's a little pressed to force her in my sporking when I'm letting Kay and Ray take the spotlight.

I am. I already found a fic for it, I just haven't actually started the sporking yet. By the way, I'm excited to see Ray in the sporking theatre. He's definetly one that would be funny.

[Oliver]

Speaking of which, could someone remind me who is doing Athena's punishment sporking? I feel it's a little pressed to force her in my sporking when I'm letting Kay and Ray take the spotlight.

I am. I already found a fic for it, I just haven't actually started the sporking yet. By the way, I'm excited to see Ray in the sporking theatre. He's definetly one that would be funny.

Could I collab with you on it? I started a little setting of Athena's Punishment Sporking in my next sporking.

[Skittlemask]

I am. I already found a fic for it, I just haven't actually started the sporking yet.

Could I collab with you on it? I started a little setting of Athena's Punishment Sporking in my next sporking.

It depends if you're OK with the fic I chose, as I'd probably have to post it elsewhere and just link it here. Unless you chose one more suiting to punish her. What fic do you have in mind?

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@Skittlemask Is it the JustiCykesQuill one? Good luck. It's definitely a drag to read.

[Skittlemask]

@Skittlemask Is it the JustiCykesQuill one? Good luck. It's definitely a drag to read.

No, it's not. I was thinking of doing that one, but I couldn't stomach reading past the 2nd line break, exactly because it's a pain to read. The fic I found is one on AO3 that is Phoenix/Athena.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Taking a break from foaming at the mouth on the floor because GS6, also, still no DGS localization announcement even though they just announced GS6 localization? Why? Why do you do this to me, Capcom.

Let's get sporking!

Today's sporkers are...!
Phoenix Wright!
"The fic title is missing again..."
Maya Fey!
"Nick, they're gonna punish you for breaking the fourth wall."
Ema Skye! (Trilogy era)
"Is there supposed to be something ominous about the lack of a title?"
Trucy Wright!
"Back to the Kink Meme, right?"
and Pearl Fey! (AJ era)
"That does sound ominous!'

[We open up in our sporking theatre, where today's sporkers are already seated. After Trucy's comment about the Kink Meme, everyone is a bit on edge.]

Speakers: You think you're clever for figuring it out, don't you?

Trucy: No, I know I'm clever. Right, Daddy?

Phoenix: Of course, Trucy. ...is it just me, or is there a theme with the sporker picks today?

Ema: What, underaged girls that you hang out with? Scientifically speaking!

Pearl: But Mystic Maya's not underaged!

Maya: Yeah!

Speakers: Don't change the subject! We were just about to welcome you to today's quintuple feature: The Kink Meme Special II!

Maya: Electric Boogaloo?

Phoenix: More like Die Harder.

Pearl: That's really pessimistic, Mr. Nick.

[The lights dim.]

Speakers: Phoenix Wright, just for that sarcastic comment, we're going to be starting off with that fic that we mentioned last time.

Ema: What fic?

Spoiler: Grossberg lays an egg.

Trucy: Oh. That fic.

Pearl: Um... what? Why would someone request this?

Maya: Because the Kink Meme is a very cruel and unforgiving place, Pearly.

Marvin Grossberg wasn't having a very good day.

Phoenix: Neither were we.

From the moment he had rolled himself out of bed he wasn't feeling quite right. After his usual daily shower and slathering of Preparation H over the hemorrhoids that danced along his gargantuan butt cheeks he had felt somewhat ill.

[There is a brief moment of silence in the theatre.]

Maya: ...do we haaaaave to do this?

Speakers: Yes.

He sat at his desk, looking at the painting that was displayed on the wall. However, today he could tell that his gaze lacked the same love and adoration that he usually had when he looked upon it. He did not feel the same tingly perkiness to his massive man-tits that he normally felt upon studying the image.

Ema: Um... scientifically speaking, if he's feeling tingly-

Phoenix: It's better not to think about it, Ema.

Something was definitely amiss.

With slight difficulty, Grossberg pushed his large girth up from the chair that he sat and brought his sausage-like fingers to his forehead, brushing away a few beads of sweat. He lowered his arm and looked at his watch, disheartened that he had only been there for fifteen minutes. He looked again over at the painting and decided to sit back down.

Grossberg waddled over to where his desk was, turning his chair so he may sit in it. However, as he began to sit he felt a sudden flaring pain in his belly.

Trucy: I guess he used the Preparation H wrong!

Pearl: That's kind of gross, Trucy.

Trucy: What else am I supposed to joke about?

Maya: Omelets?

Ema: But he hasn't laid any eggs yet!

"Oh... Dammit! I should have known better than to have Mexican take-out last night!" he said to no one while mentally bashing himself.

With agility not normally seen in a man of his size, he made haste across his large office to the restroom. He rushed in, dropping his pants as he did and closed and locked the door.

All: ...

Phoenix: There are certain things... that cannot be unseen...

Maya: I-It's not that bad, right, Nick?

Trucy: Yeah, it's not the French chef guy again this time!

Ema: Doesn't that just mean that the next fic will be about him?

Trucy: ......oh yeah!

"UhhhOohhhHHHhhh," he cried as he pressed a hand to his stomach.

Carefully positioning his large rear, he slowly sat down on the toilet, cringing slightly as he felt a hemorrhoid or two pop as he settled firmly against the seat.

Pearl: Eww...

Maya: At least the toilet seat didn't break!

Phoenix: Maya, be nice.

He brought his hand again to his forehead, wiping away more sweat before adjusting the small spectacles upon his nose.

"Hmmmppphhhh!!"

He bit his lip and balled his fists, attempting to push out whatever contents may lie deep within his colon.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Pearl Fey, Ema Skye, and Maya Fey that looking away from the screen during the sporking is strictly forbidden.

Trucy: C'mon guys, it's just a little ...whatever this is!

Phoenix: (...I'm a veteran sporker. What's her excuse?)

Despite his efforts, though, nothing came out. Nothing came out and the awful pain in his belly had grown much worse. Grossberg's eyes began to water and he felt a tear trickle down his cheek. He clenched his fists harder and began to push again, this time with complete vigor.

"Hurrrr...PPPHhHHUUUURR!!!! NNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!"

Ema: He should probably see a doctor about that...

His eyelids were pressed tightly together and his knuckles white from how tightly he balled his fists. He felt something moving - seemed like this was going to be one of those extra large ones he had now and then. Grossberg kept pushing, biting down on his lip, until he felt a splitting pain in his rear. A very feminine blood-curtling scream could be heard throughout the building as he pushed the last of it out from his colon.

Pearl: On the plus side, laying an egg is kinda less gross than anything else it could be.

Trucy: Can we make omelet jokes yet?

Grossberg collapsed against the floor, taking very short raspy breaths. He lay like this for a few moments until he found the very fresh, very sweet scent of lemons invading his nostrils.

Phoenix: Oh no.

Maya: Oh yes.

Opening his eyes, he glanced towards the toilet, nearly going into cardiac arrest when he saw upon the toilet a large egg.

"What. In. God's. Name?!" Grossberg jumped to his feet, quickly pulling his slacks back up and fastened his belt.

Pearl: At least he's as confused as we are!

Ema: And disturbed - don't forget disturbed!

Trucy: Hey, it could always be worse.

Phoenix: Trucy, don't encourage the Management.

With extreme caution, he inspected the egg, fingering the sides of the smooth shell. The lemony scent seemed to be eminating from the egg. Perplexed, he tapped his knuckle lightly against it. He waited, but nothing happened. He tapped it again, but this time a little harder. A noise came stirring from within it.

Maya: Scrambled eggs, right in the shell!

Pearl: But Mystic Maya, it came out of Mr. Grossberg's... you-know-where.

Maya: ...yeah, good point. I'm not that hungry.

Phoenix: (That's a first.)

Grossberg adjusted his tie and took a step back. The egg started shaking, cracks jetting down the sides of the shell. His eyes went wide as he slumped against the wall, again feeling the popping of more hemorrhoids as his heiny hit the floor.

Ema: Scientifically speaking, he should really get those looked at.

Phoenix: I'd say that I'm sure he has, but I'd really rather not think about it.

Maya: ...Nick, why do we know so many weird people?

Phoenix: Well, I kind of know Mr. Grossberg through you, so...

Rays of golden light beamed from the egg as it broke open. Grossberg covered his eyes with his forearm for a moment, closing his eyes until the light had faded. Slowly, he lowered his arm and opened his eyes, unsure of what monstrosity may lie before him.

"PEEP PEEP PEEP!!"

His jaw dropped. Before him sat a figure resembling attorney Winston Payne, glasses, beautiful grey locks and all.

All: .............

Trucy: How many drugs was this author on?

He couldn't help but stare in complete disbelief. The figure looked at him and cocked it's head to the side in an almost curious manner. They continued to stare at eachother for another good minute or so until Grossberg noticed a tear trail down from behind the glasses and down the cheek of the creature.

"Wait... wh-what am I doing? This cannot be Winston Payne! This egg... This came from within me. This is... MY CHILD!"

Pearl: Th-then how come it looks like Mr. Payne?

Maya: I really don't wanna think about the implications here...

At his glorious revelation, Grossberg quickly stood up, holding his arms out and slowly approached his new baby with a proud, fatherly smile. Winston-bird peeped happily, thrilled that it finally had been accepted by it's mother. More of that lemony fresh scent filled the large restroom.

Phoenix: Ugh, I'll never be able to smell lemons again without thinking about this fic.

Ema: So this is what the phrase "mind-scarring" really means!

Phoenix: (Shouldn't you know what the phrase "mind-scarring" means?!)

"Oh~ I bet my widdle baby-waby is hungry~!" Grossberg said as he lightly pinched the cheeks of his newborn.

However, what was he supposed to feed this child?

Pearl: ...omelets?

He paused for a moment, trying to think. After a few moments of pondering, he remembered something he had seen recently in a documentary about some kind of bird.

Maya: Uh... it's not going where I think it's going, is it?

Trucy: Doesn't it always do that when it comes from the Kink Meme?

Phoenix: No, it always goes to a much worse place.

Since his child came from an egg, surely that was going to be the same route he needed to take.

Winston-bird glanced happily up at its mother. Grossberg moved his hands to rest on the shoulders of Winston-bird. Slowly, he leaned in, finding his face very close to that of his child's. He paused momentarily, listening to both of them take slow, unsure breaths. Assuring himself that this was what he needed to do, Grossberg pressed his lips firmly against Winston-bird's.

Girls: ?!

Phoenix: See? Much worse.

Ema: B-But that's his son! ...kind of!

Pearl: And he was just born! That's just...

Maya: That's just the Kink Meme.

He then regurgitated.

All: ............................

Trucy: I really can't tell if this is better or worse.

Pearl: It's gross.

Trucy: Yeah, but it's a different kind of gross than we first thought!

Maya: Is it over?

Ema: If we're out of the spoiler tag, then I guess it is! Scientifically speaking.

Speakers: The speakers would like to request that Ema Skye refrain from meta-commentary.

Maya: And Maya Fey would like to request that the Management give us snacks!

Trucy: Hey, Daddy, if we give young Ema Snackoos, will she turn into regular Ema?

Phoenix: ...uh...

Pearl: I think the next fic is starting.

Spoiler: ((When I saw this, I laughed, then recoiled in horror, then realized hey, I should write this one...))

Phoenix: That doesn't bode well.

Trucy: What could possibly make someone who posts on the Kink Meme recoil in horror?

Maya: Judging by the other stuff on there, probably something surprisingly tame.

A flower-bedecked pink bedroom, so pink that any casual observer would be forgiven for thinking it belonged to a little girl. It was true that its owner was very feminine in many ways. He certainly wasn't little, though he loved to talk about himself as 'she.'

Phoenix: ........Trucy...

Trucy: I'm sorry, Daddy.

Ema: Hey, I was right about the next fic having him in it!

"'Allo, baby."

Standing in front of a wall-length mirror was the owner of the room, a pink-cheeked muscular monster of a man - wearing makeup, hair impeccably in place, wearing a tiny black lacy French maid costume.

Pearl: ...Mr. Nick, I'm scared.

Phoenix: I think we all are, Pearls.

He kissed his reflection tenderly. "Oh yes, la lips, oh la, she is like plump ripe cher-ries." He posed in front of the mirror, a saucy position, one hand on his own hip, rear towards the mirror.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind all of the sporkers that they are to keep their hands away from their eyes during a sporking.

"What a firm derriere you have, mon choux." Bright color arose in his cheeks as he stared at his own reflection, and he batted his eyelashes. "Why, you talk to such an innocent maiden as I like that, oh, it is to blush at!"

Maya: I don't think you can really use the word "innocent" here.

Trucy: Or "maiden".

Ema: Or "little".

Slowly, he sidled towards the mirror, the black silk outfit threatening to burst at the seams over his muscles, and began to rub himself slowly against it. "Oohhhh," he breathed, fogging the glass as he licked it.

Maya: Nick, I'm kinda uncomfortable.

Phoenix: You're telling me?

"Your body, it is so firm and hard, oui? Not all curves, like la delicate fille comme moi." Giggling, he began to peel his outfit off slowly, a sensual striptease.

Speakers: What did we just say about not covering your eyes?!

When the mirror spontaneously shattered, he stared at it in amazement.

Trucy: I feel kinda... vindicated.

Pearl: Shattered glass is pretty dangerous, though...

Ema: And in a restaurant, it's a really major health hazard!

Maya: I'm pretty sure Trés Bien's food is a really major health hazard even without broken glass.

Phoenix: Isn't that going a bit overboard?

Maya: I have no tolerance for bad food, Nick!

Phoenix: Really? Because the way you shovel burgers into your mouth says otherwise.

Maya: But burgers are really, really good! How dare you call them "bad food"!

Phoenix: Cheap fast-food burgers are bad food, Maya!

Maya: Well, maybe if you weren't so stingy-

Trucy: *to Pearl* Aren't you gonna stop them?

Pearl: No... I think it's kind of cute, actually...

Ema: Um, the next fic is starting up...

Spoiler: You're so Super-Cool Matt!

Phoenix and Maya: ...Matt?

Maya: As in Matt Engarde?

Pearl: N-No way!

Trucy: Is he being shipped with someone?

A mirror was hardly a sentient being,

Ema: That is true, scientifically speaking!

yet if the full length mirror in Matt Engarde’s mansion was sentient and had the capacity for feelings; it would have lived most of a non existent life in nothing but pure bliss.

Trucy: Or maybe Engarde's being shipped with the mirror.

Maya: Wow, two in a row. What are the odds?

Ema: Pretty good, considering the Management probably did this on purpose.

As far as mirrors went it was gorgeous, a true contestant for one of the finest mirrors in the world. It had been very specifically ordered. Hand made with a real silver backing to be exactly the height of Mat Engarde and was made with only the finest crystal. There was an intricate (real) gold lining around it.

Pearl: That's a really flashy mirror.

Phoenix: It honestly just sounds tacky to me.

Maya: Of course it sounds tacky to you; you're a tightwad!

Phoenix: No, just broke.

It had hardly been inexpensive either, but what was money in comparison to a reflection of one’s self that looked almost better than one did in real life? Matt Engarde was amazed when he’d first look at himself in it, he hadn’t thought it was possible for him to look any better, but that mirror had proved him wrong.

Ema: The real tackiness here is how vain he is.

Maya: Actually, this is pretty in-character.

It had been hung up on the wall of Matt Engarade’s bedroom, after all, he’d paid for it, why should anyone else get to use it? A mirror so perfect could only belong to someone as perfect as him. Every morning it was cleaned with a cloth and polish that were used specifically for the mirror and nothing else.

If a mirror had the ability to be lonely, Matt Engarde’s mirror would suffer no such affliction. The actor looked into it every time he entered his bedroom. He could even spend hours in front of it, just looking into it.

Trucy: This sounds a lot like the myth of Narcissus.

Pearl: Do you think he'll get turned into a flower at the end of the fic?

Phoenix: If only that were the case...

If it could have the mirror would have most likely been embarrassed by the endearments the man made towards it.

Indeed, similarly to an animal filled with nothing but affection for its owner, the mirror would have loved Matt Engarde given the chance. Even when he was a little odd, hair slicked back to reveal angry red scars and ranting disturbing plans and nasty things about some other man, the mirror would have loved him.

Phoenix: Yeah, definitely would have saved us a lot of trouble.

Pearl: At least that was a long time ago by now!

Maya: Yeah, says you.

Ema: ...I don't get it.

Trucy: Just ignore them.

And it would have been assured that Mat Engarde loved it. It would have been overjoyed that it was the only thing in the world, other than himself, and perhaps power, that Matt truly loved. It would have been the happiest mirror in the world.

The actor sighed heavily as he lounged on his king sized bed, complete with silken sheets, and stared into a mirror almost as flawless as he.

If only mirrors were sentient.

Maya: Maybe if mirrors were sentient, it could have warned everyone how crazy he was!

Trucy: How would a mirror warn someone if it were stuck in his bedroom?

Maya: Well, you see, Matt Engarde was a big celebrity, so-

Phoenix: Maya, before you finish answering, I'd like to remind you that Pearly's in here.

Pearl: ...I'm not a little girl anymore, Mr. Nick.

Trucy: Shh, you'll make him feel old!

Ema: Don't feel bad, Mr. Wright! Aging is a natural part of life!

Phoenix: ...

Maya: Besides, you've always been an old fart!

Phoenix: ....

Pearl: I don't think you're old, Mr. Nick...

Phoenix: Thanks, Pearls.

Trucy: Oh look, the next fic!

Spoiler: Whistle while you work!

Maya: But working is lame!

Phoenix: Working is what pays for your burgers.

He sighed contentedly. Finally, finally, he’d gotten that damn lock changed and didn’t have to worry about Maya walking in on him. Phoenix slumped back against the door for a moment and wiped sweat from his brow before straightening with a smile and heading for the bathroom.

Ema: Um... is this going where-

Trucy: Probably.

Phoenix: Oh please, no...

He shut that door behind him, too, but that lock had been broken for eons so he didn’t bother with it. Grinning now, he picked up one of his cleaners- he had a whole array of them- and started whistling as he knelt to scrub the toilet.

Pearl: Oh, so it's just Mr. Nick's crippling toilet-cleaning addiction.

Trucy: Whew!

Phoenix: ..."crippling addiction"?

It was only a moment before a curious squirrel hopped up on the open window ledge and cocked its head at him.

Ema: You know, Mr. Wright, squirrels in your office mean you're supposed to call the exterminator.

Pearl: Or animal control.

Trucy: Or the landlord.

Phoenix: I get it.

Phoenix smiled at the little squirrel. “Just whistle while you work!” He whistled a demonstration for the inquisitive little guy, who hopped all the way in the window and scurried across the counters to perch on Phoenix’s shoulder.

Maya: Wow, Nick, I didn't know you were a Disney princess!

Trucy: My Daddy's the best Disney princess.

“And cheerfully together we can get the ev-i-dence in one place!” A bird he hadn’t noticed before that must have landed in the window after his squirrel friend whistled a passable imitation of his tune.

Ema: I don't think squirrels can whistle, scientifically speaking.

Trucy: I use a whistling squirrel in one of my magic acts.

Ema: Wh-what?! That's impossible! I have to see it!!

Trucy: Sure, just come to the Wonder Bar at 7:00!

Phoenix: But your timelines don't-

Ema: I'll be there!

Phoenix: Forget it.

Phoenix’s grin grew wider. “So hum a gay old tune, hm-hm-hmm-hm-hm-hm, it’s won’t take long when there’s a song to help us solve the case!”

Maya: Then how come we never had a musical case, Nick?

Phoenix: Because this isn't-

Trucy: Even Polly had a musical case!

Pearl: The Guitar's Serenade one, right?

Trucy: Yeah! That was totally a musical case!

Maya: See, Nick? You're being unfair!

Phoenix: ...

More birds had flocked in, much to Phoenix’s delight, and the squirrel had apparently brought friends, and his friends had brought their chipmunk friends, and the chipmunks had brought, oddly enough, some stray cats with them. The bathroom was getting crowded, but he figured that was all right since the critters were being remarkably helpful- while the first squirrel stayed perched on his shoulder the others were industriously using their tails to sweep dust and dirt off the toilet,

Phoenix: Objection! There wouldn't be any dust and dirt on my toilet!

Pearl: Maybe the dust and dirt was brought in by the animals? They were outside, after all.

Ema: That's pretty likely, scientifically speaking.

Maya: I don't think Nick would tolerate a bunch on animals getting dust and dirt on his toilet, even if they did brush it off afterwards.

the chipmunks were attempting to drag the brightly-coloured damp washcloths over to wipe it clean, and the birds were flapping their wings to create the wind to dry it off. The cats, being cats, crouched on the counter or window ledge and watched everyone else work.

Trucy: Yeah, that sounds about right.

“And as you gather clues, hm-hm-hmm-hm-hm-hm…” Those birds that imitated human voices echoed his whistle. “Imagine that your client, is someone that you love and soon- you’ll find that you can’t lose!”

Unfortunately, Phoenix had forgotten that a changed lock doesn’t, in fact, do any good whatsoever if you’ve forgotten to lock the door.

Pearl: Wow, Mr. Nick, that's really absent-minded of you.

Phoenix: *sighs* Still, that's the most in-character thing that's happened all fic.

Maya: What, you mean you don't burst into song while you're cleaning?

Phoenix: No!

Trucy: Wow, Daddy. Way to crush my dreams.

He didn’t hear the office door open. He didn’t hear a voice call out, puzzled, “Wright?”

Phoenix: *facepalm* And here I was thinking that because Edgeworth's not sporking with us, he wouldn't be in any of this stuff today...

Ema: Well, it is the Kink Meme. Isn't Mr. Edgeworth in almost all the fics on it?

Phoenix: How am I supposed to know? ...and how would you know?

Ema: Uh...

And he didn’t hear the bathroom door swing open.

“…When hearts are high the witnesses lie so whistle while you work!”

He heard the sound of a briefcase falling and bursting open as it hit the floor, though. All the animals save the one bold squirrel scattered at the sound, some going back out the window, some trying to hide in the shower, some trying to hide behind the toilet itself. Phoenix, having no such recourse, slowly turned his head to look up at one very, very confused Miles Edgeworth.

Ema: Look, Mr. Edgeworth is all of us!

Pearl: He showed up kinda late, though.

Maya: Hey, the ridiculousness of this fic is timeless like a Disney classic, so it really doesn't matter when he shows up.

Phoenix: "Like a Disney classic"?

Frantically, Phoenix tried to come up with an explanation for the Disney movie come to life the other man had just stumbled upon, but in the end could only come up with a rather desperate, “Nice weather today, isn’t it?” as he tried very hard to pretend that he did not have a squirrel on his shoulder and had not just been singing to a bevy of wild animals.

Phoenix: Maybe I should have tried to convince him that someone slipped some LSD into his tea.

Ema: ...would this be a good trip or a bad trip?

Maya: All things considered, probably a good trip.

Phoenix: Hey!

Judging from the pole-axed expression on Edgeworth's face, this cunning tactic did not work, and Phoenix decided instead to follow the birds out the window and hope Edgeworth would later think it all an insomnia-induced hallucination.

Trucy: Daddy, you're gonna hurt yourself going out the window like that.

Phoenix: I'm just surprised I predicted the hallucinations joke.

Pearl: That fic was kind of like an anti-drug PSA.

Trucy: "Don't take drugs, kids! Or else your father's toilet-cleaning habit will suddenly become a musical toilet-cleaning habit!"

Maya: "Don't clean the toilets too much! Or else the chemical smell will make you start hallucinating that you're a Disney princess!"

Ema: I don't think it works like that...

Pearl: I'm just wondering if Mr. Nick is a Disney princess, who is his prince? Mystic Maya?

Maya: As long as I get a cool horse.

Phoenix: Ha ha ha. Not all Disney princesses have princes, you know. Merida doesn't.

Ema: I'm surprised you know that, Mr. Nick.

Phoenix: I-I have a daughter!

Trucy: ...shouldn't the next fic be starting now?

Speakers: Actually, we still need to share the picture that sort of accompanied the fic.



Phoenix: ............

Maya: Nice.

Ema: What does the Management mean by "sort of accompanied"?

Speakers: According to the artist, they actually started drawing it before they had read the fic.

Ema: Scientifically speaking, that means that more than one person had the Mr. Wright-as-a-Disney-princess idea!

Phoenix: Wonderful...

Trucy: Ah, and here's the last fic now!

Spoiler: Guards Gone Wild

Maya: Uh-oh.

Pearl: But they brought in so many underaged sporkers today...

Ema: I don't think two is so many.

Jack the guard looked around the room. It was after normal visiting hours, so he could have gone home, but he didn't.

Maya: Hey, it's the guard from the detention center!

Phoenix: Ah, I thought I recognized him from somewhere.

Maya: C'mon Nick, we're there all the time! How did you not know who he was right off the bat?

Phoenix: Well, you've spent more time in the detention center than me, so...

He stole a furtive glance towards the corner of the ceiling with the security camera. Cameron. Jack sighed and went a little weak in the knees. What a beautiful name, Cameron.

"Hello, Cameron, it's nice to finally be able to talk with you," began the guard, seductively undoing the top few buttons of his shirt, "It's been absolutely unbearable staying here without being able to talk to you. Don't you agree?"

Ema: Um... is he talking to the guy in the security room?

Trucy: Hey, that'd be pretty funny - the security camera operator is named Cameron! That fits in our universe perfectly!

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Trucy Wright that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.

Cameron's red light continued blinking in a steady rhythm. Jack assumed that meant "Yes."

Pearl: Oh, Cameron is the... camera...?

Maya: The name's still pretty clever.

Pearl: Yeah, but... they're shipping the guard from the detention center with the security camera.

Trucy: No one ever said the Kink Meme was a normal place.

"Oh, dear," said Jack, "my shirt accidentally came off," but it was quite likely not actually an accident at all. Jack then licked both his index fingers, one after the other, and started rubbing his nipples while slowly gyrating his hips, completely focused on Cameron's lens.

Ema: ...so was that an accident, too?

Phoenix: You know, I really don't think you should be watching this.

The door opened, "Now, Ms. Andrews, this is after normal visiting hours, b-" the guard escorting the woman into the room froze as he saw Jack, topless in the middle of the room.

Jack took a few seconds to notice this intrusion. Adrian stared from the doorway, mouth dumbly hanging open. Jack quickly put on his shirt, fumbling with the buttons. Adrian was in the same position.

Maya: What? She's also putting her shirt back on?

Pearl: ...why would it have been off?

Phoenix: No, the fic means that she's still staring at Jack with her mouth hanging open.

Ema: I think we would all do the same.

Jack resumed his position by the door, saluted, and instructed the woman to act like he wasn't even there.

Trucy: That's gotta be difficult. I know I'm never gonna look at the detention center guards the same way ever again.

~ONE WEEK LATER~

Kane Bullard looked at his papers, then at the defiant security guard in front of him.

"Jack," Bullard began, "It says here you were seen behaving inappropriately at your post in a sexually suggestive manner."

"Yes, well, the woman who observed that was arrested and later convicted for tampering with a crime scene, so frankly, Mr. Bullard, I'm a bit insulted that you're taking her side of the story."

Ema: There's still the other guard!

"The guard who escorted her to the room corroborated her story."

Ema: Ooh.

Trucy: Good job, Ema!

"It's still his word against mine, sir."

"There was video evidence, Jack."

Jack eye's unexpectedly welled up with tears as he tried in vain to hold them back. The woman and his co-worker, he had expected, but for Cameron to turn on him like this?

Maya: Don't feel bad, Jack! Cameron's only doing his... his?... job!

Phoenix: I don't think that really helps.

Jack now knew what true betrayal felt like.

"Cameron," choked out Jack, "Why would you do this to me? I'M CARRYING YOUR CHILD, CAMERON!"

Pearl: ...how?

Phoenix: Don't think too hard about it.

Ema: ....scientifically speaking-

Phoenix: I said don't think too hard about it!

Jack collapsed in a heap of tears on Mr. Bullard's desk. His life was over.

Maya: Aww... poor Jack.

Trucy: At least the fic's over, too.

Phoenix: Which means the end of the Kink Meme Special II...

Maya: Thank Goodness.

Phoenix: That wasn't nearly as bad as last time, honestly.

Speakers: The Management is in a celebratory mood today.

Pearl: Why?

Speakers: Pff, we're not gonna break the fourth wall here.

Ema: Interesting. I thought our rules didn't apply to the Management.

Speakers: Also, we're not obligated to answer any of your questions. Ever.

Trucy: So you're invoking the right to remain silent?

Maya: How come they keep talking, then?

Speakers: ...

Phoenix: Ah, that's better. Let's go, girls.

[And so today's sporkers leave. They seem to have been lulled into a false sense of security.]

Speakers: False sense of security indeed... sassing us like that...

[Well, punishment sporkings seem to be popular nowadays, anyway... tune in at some unspecified point in the future for the Kink Meme Special III!]

[Oliver]

@Skittlemask Is it the JustiCykesQuill one? Good luck. It's definitely a drag to read.

No, it's not. I was thinking of doing that one, but I couldn't stomach reading past the 2nd line break, exactly because it's a pain to read. The fic I found is one on AO3 that is Phoenix/Athena.

Okay, I'm up for that.

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

Thank you, Airey. While I was busy spinning in circles over the latest news of Nick heading to Lhasa, I stop by to find a sporking that made me spin even more. Then again, it's the kink meme.

Ah, man. I've forgotten about that picture. It's surprisingly well drawn considering the context.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

I've just honestly been laughing at the fact that two separate people simultaneously had the idea for Disney princess!Nick. I'm preeeeetty sure that wasn't part of the prompt.