My speech is liberated; I say what I say
Gender: Female
Location: Germica
Rank: Desk Jockey
Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2015 2:08 am
Posts: 66
I actually didn't nitpick on everything. I already felt bad as it is, and I didn't want to make it worse than it already is. Bear with the intro please, I wasn't sure how to start it. Thanks for reading.
Note: I'll give this
One for the immense lack of periods. The other for the grammar (not using proper English) I would give it three, but the author SAYS she's never wrote a full story in English before, so I've cut slack on her/him even if they're lying.
Today's fanfic is:
How to deal with a fop stealing your favourite notepad by ShizukaR
Today's sporkers are:
Apollo Justice: Why do I have to be here, this story isn't even about ME?!
Ema Skye: Oh boy, another fanfic that ships me and the fop. This should be great.
Klavier Gavin: I'm certain it won't be as bad as the others we've viewed, Fraülien Skye. Right?
Today's sporkers take a seat in the theater, each looking over the summary of the fanfic they will be sporking Klavier: This doesn't seem to be a overly bad one today. The question is, why is Herr Forehead here?
Ema: The management said that he needs to keep me from murdering you during the sporking.
Apollo: At least this is just a highschool AU, this could be way worse if you think about it.
Klavier: How so? Wait, please don't answer that.
The lights dim, and the sporking begins. Quote:
How to deal with a fop stealing your favourite notepad, a guide by Ema Skye
Dear register notepad:
Today's afternoon was a really stressful one at school... all thanks to that stupid and glimmerous fop who couldn't get his hands off my favourite notepad.
Apollo: I'm not sure if that and belongs there.
Ema: *Munching relatively slowly on her snackoos* I don't mind, if this is the worst part of the story.
Quote:
It started as a day like every other, just me, attending the chemistry class, aka my favourite. I just love science so much... I could talk about it for ages, but I won't do that right now. I am going to talk about the stupid thing that happened this afternoon.
Klavier: Was this necessary?
Ema & Apollo: Nope.
Quote:
The class had had finished, and I was pulling all my stuff inside my messenger's bag. I rushed up to the library since I couldn't stay inside that classroom for a long time.
First, because if I got caught hanging in there, the teacher would make me go outside as soon as he saw me there, and he can be quite frightening when he wants to.
Second, because I actually don't have anything to do right there, I'd rather spend my free time in the library.
And last, but not least, I'd had to deal with the student who stays inside the classroom, that stupid Klavier Gavin guy. That boy is just... just... UGH. The biggest dandy and proud fop I could ever think of. I can't even express how much I can't stand him. I don't even know why he is still in high school! He got his prosecutor badge this same year, and he goes to the same classes as me too, even if he is a year younger than me! From what it looks like, I think he only stays because he likes bragging around the high school girls. Besides being a gifted prosecutor and student, he is even the leader vocalist in a popular rock band called "The Gavinners"... That's so original coming from you, Mr. Fop.
Ema: Wait, so I can't stay in the classroom, but the fop does?
Klavier: The part I'm confused about is, why am I still in high school, when I apparently went to college, law school, and actually have a job as a prosecutor. I could brag to many other people.
Apollo: Did you guys even go to the same high school?
Klavier: Nein. But aren't we both 25 Ema?
Ema: We don't have any birthdays, so it's possible I could be born in a later month than you.
Apollo: Well the timelines are screwy.
Speaker:
The management would like to remind Ema Skye and Apollo Justice, that breaking the fourth wall is not permitted. All:*sigh*
Quote:
Disclaimer: I just know this stuff since I have to stand EVERY SINGLE GIRL talking about this annoying fop. Besides, that guy seems to have something against me. There is no day he doesn't irritate me with his stupid behaviour. I don't want to give examples since I'm already hung up with what happened today.
Klavier: Oh baby, let me worm my way into your heart~ Let me irritate you with my desire~
Apollo: No. Just no, Klavier. That was your worst one yet.
Ema: *MUNCH MUNCH* If I hated him so much, couldn't I just choose a different conversation topic? *MUNCH MUNCH*
Apollo: I think this story is trying to hint at fact that you know all this because you-
*KA-TONK*
Ema: Don't even think about it.
Apollo: (She snackoo'd me...)
Quote:
Get's go back to the break. I just wanted to go outside and walk to the library to return some books I had taken from there, about forensic science. I spent last night writing down a summary about its most important parts in my notebook, and I was about to do the same with the book the librarian gave me...
...but I couldn't. The stupid me had forgotten the notebook somewhere. I was in a rush to get out from the classroom as soon as I could, but I didn't bother to check if I took everything. Thinking about it for a while I decided to go back to the classroom. The worst thing that could happen was being caught by the teacher, right?
Klavier: So you have a very dumb clone, Fräulien Skye?
Ema: Why would I get in trouble for trying to get my notebook though? Fic me isn't very smart.
Quote:
Wrong. So wrong. I have never been more wrong until now. Well, maybe when I said oxoacids were only made with oxygen. But that's not the point.
Apollo: Another unnecessary paragraph.
Quote:
I rushed downstairs to my classroom, and I opened the door. Luckily there was no one inside... excepting for one person. One. Annoying. Person. There.
Apollo: I don't think excepting is a word.
Ema: *MUCH MUNCH* It is. It just isn't used in the right context.
Quote:
Fräulien, did you forget something?" he said, in his stupid German accent. As soon as I saw him, irritation started to flow out of my face. Klavier Gavin was sitting ON my desk, with my favourite notebook in his foppy hand. He wasn't even wearing the uniform! I stood in shock for a few seconds.
Klavier: I know you don't like me Fraülien Skye, but I've never seen irritation actually flow out of your face before.
Ema: That isn't physically possible, scientifically speaking.
Quote:
Give me back my notebook, you... you... glimmerous fop!" I yelled.
"Glimmerous fop?" he asked, trying to make a charming smile. He looked like those cheap sitcom actors who are so popular on TV. "Such a creative insult, my dear Fräulien"
Klavier: If you're in the same class as me, why am I calling you a Fräulien. We're very obviously under 18.
Apollo: Obviously?
Klavier: Even I don't act like that much of a child, Herr Forehead.
Quote:
The tone on his voice was so tiresome. I was sick of listening to him calling me by sweet names just because.
Apollo: So were tired of his voice, or was he actually tired?
Ema: I think it's the former.
Klavier: How are you writing down our conversation word for word?
Ema: Ask the author.
Quote:
"Whatever, give me my investigations notebook back! I need it!"
"Thinks can be asked things more kindly, you know. Such bad manners from you, sweetheart, I didn't expect that". Don't ask how I remember every single detail about our conversation. I just do.
Apollo: Even the author sees that this is unrealistic.
Klavier: I have a feeling this would work better if this was present tense.
Quote:
"Weeeell..." I said, with a fake smile. "Please, give me back my notebook. Stupid dandy"
"The stupid dandy wasn't necessary, in my opinion. But since you said please, I might consider a little favour in exchange for your notebook"
"You can't do that!" I yelled again. "As you said, that is MY notebook; you don't have the right to take it away from me!"
Apollo: Oh boy, blackmail.
Klavier: Why am I always a jerk in these fics?
Ema: They don't like you. Neither do I.
Quote:
"Oh, mein lieber, I just want to help you", he said, bothersome calmly... "If it wasn't from me, this pretty little notebook would have got lost"
"I was about to take it back! You aren't doing me any favour!"
"Calm down, fräulien, please", he asked. "Why don't you listen to me at least for once? I can do every kind of thing to your dear notepad if you don't do so"
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! THE STUPID BEAU WAS BLACKMAILING ME! I couldn't do anything but accept...
Ema: I could tell a teacher, slap him, steal it from him, murder the damn fop...
Klavier: The author seems to forget punctuation that isn't an exclamation point.
Apollo: She also seems to know how unreasonable this whole thing is.
Quote:
"Ah..." I sighted, notably frustrated. "Fine, Gavin. Tell me what you want from me".
"Don't be so bitter, lieben. Just give me a kiss and I'll give you this back. Is that fine for you?"
Ema: I'd rather get a new notebook.
Klavier: Would kissing me really be that bad?
*KA-TONK*
Klavier: ...Don't answer that.
Quote:
"..." Well, at that point I was as irritated as if I was in contact with an acid. "Why the hell would you want that, you beau?!"
Apollo: That simile doesn't make sense.
Ema: I wonder if the author knows I do other things, that don't involve science.
Klavier: Like what?
Ema: Eating snackoos.
Quote:
"Don't be like that, Schätzchen, it's just a simple request", he said as he brushed his stupid blond hair with his right hand.
Apollo: Minute detail alert.
Quote:
"You are so disgusting, you know..." I said while shooting daggers with my eyes to that annoying F.
Ema: I'm not sure if that's a swear or not.
Quote:
"Come on, kissing me can't be that nasty. Actually, I found out in this cutie notebook that you are dreaming to do so..."
"WHAT?!" I couldn't help but yell even louder at him. "That is an investigations notebook! You couldn't have got that information!"
"Let me see... Page 18, paragraph 3, and line 31" he started browsing my notepad with a mischievous smile on his face, and then he began to read with a cheap imitation of my voice. "OMG, I WOULD LOVE TO KISS KLAVIER GAVIN, HE IS SO DREAMY AND SEXY I WANT TO MARRY HIM RIGHT NOW"
All: ...What?
That didn't even make sense.
Klavier: This fic doesn't make sense.
Quote:
"... STOP YELLING, THAT IS NOT WHAT IT SAYS THERE!"
Ema: Not only is fic me out-of-character, but she's also a hypocrite.
Quote:
"Really? I actually can keep reading, and if someone walks near here, they'd think this is your diary. It doesn't have a label, so it can be easily mistaken as one", he said, still smiling like that...
"... You are such a corrupt prosecutor..." I said. If he was going to fake evidence like that, I actually can't think how he works on court. I'm sure none of Lana's co-workers do that.
Apollo: That description reminds me of someone...
Klavier: I'd like you to know Herr Forehead, that I'm nothing like my brother.
Apollo: (I never specified, you know!)
Quote:
"Oh, fräulien, you don't know what you are talking about. I will stop reading your notebook and I'll return it to you if you can return the favour".
I had no option. I just breathed heavily, trying to calm down, and stood next to him.
"Fine. I'll kiss you only because you have my notebook. Don't go around telling everyone you kissed me because I'll personally make your life a hell" I said severely, trying to menace him. He stood up of my desk, standing next to me. Geez, even if I'm older I'm about a head shorter than him.
Ema: I still don't see why I can't just get a new notebook.
Quote:
"I'm so scared of you, little fräulien" he said laughing. I just can't keep complaining about everything about him, that's really tiresome... "But I promise not telling anyone".
Apollo: What.
Klavier: So it switched to her inner monologue?
Quote:
"Fine", I said, "just put your cheek and I'll finish with this quickly".
"Cheek? Oh, lieben..." he sighted. "If you want your notebook back you'll have to kiss me on the lips instead" My eyes were like plates. "What's the matter? Don't tell me you've never kissed someone".
Ema: I might end up murdering the fop after all.
Klavier: Gott hilf mir.
Quote:
That fop... I didn't want to admit he was right. I don't care about what other people think, but first, knowing him he would mortify me about that, and second, I definitely didn't want my first kiss to be with him... But my notebook was at the stake. I just had to do it.
All: Just get a new notebook!
Quote:
"I don't have a reason to answer that. Just... make this quick".
He put his right hand in the back of my neck, holding my notebook in the other. He started to get closer to my face, and I felt like my cheeks were burning. I couldn't stand the sight of his face so close to me, so I closed my eyes tightly, and waited. Suddenly, I felt something soft pressing against my lips. Actually, it wasn't as disgusting as I imagined kissing the fop would be... but it's not like I already imagined that.
Apollo: Failed attempt at hinting at a crus-
Ema: *Glares, while slowly reaching for a handful of snackoos*
Apollo: Sorry...
Quote:
After a while of being petrified, he finally stopped.
"It was a pleasure dealing with you, Fräulien" he said, handing my notebook. "Your lips taste like snacks".
"They are called snackoos, fop" I said, pulling it out of his dirty and strangely soft hands. "Now excuse me, I have better things than to deal with a fop like you".
Ema: I didn't even eat snackoos back then.
Apollo: I thought you were born with a bag of those in your hand.
Ema: I wish.
Quote:
"Don't you have a bigger variety of insults? I don't know how many times you have called me fop and beau this year".
Apollo: Doesn't beau mean boyfriend?
Klavier: The author needs a better grasp of English before attempting this again.
Apollo: It's still not as bad as some of the others we've watched.
Quote:
"Bye. I have to go. I don't have time to talk to you" I started running in the halls to the library to take my stuff, and just then I started writing the forensic science concepts down. Of course, I could hardly concentrate because of this fop... I just wrote down half a page. And I don't even remember what it was about.
Final comments: Well, that is the biggest sacrifice to get back my investigations notebook I can stand. I think that shows how much I love forensics... Now I can confirm I hate that fop even more than before.
Oh, dear register notepad, I wouldn't acknowledge this to anyone but I think I liked it... I will take this secret to my grave. Or at least I'll try. I still have the memory fresh in my mind, and I only can wait for it to disappear as soon as it can.
Ema: Why am I writing this in my-no, never mind I give up trying to understand the concept of this fic.
Quote:
Note to self: Don't ever ever ever EVER forget to check everything before leaving a classroom. Sorry, investigations notebook, but I only can lose my dignity for once. I guess I'll have to start making security copies of it...
Apollo: You could've done that before.
Ema: Fic me lacks a brain.
Quote:
Note to self-2: To know how to write down his words in German I had to use my thesaurus, and I just found out Kavalier means fop in German. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
Klavier: Stutzer means fop in German. Kavalier means Cavalier.
Ema: This is a failed attempt at reasoning with the logic in this fic.
Quote:
Hoping tomorrow will be a better day, and not to find the fop again, Ema Skye.
The lights turn back on.
Klavier: *stretches* We've seen worse.
Speakers:
We'll be sure to find a worse fic just for you, Gavin.Ema: Ha-
Speakers:
You too Ms. Skye and Mr. Justice.Ema casts Klavier a murderous glare, and starts chasing him out of the theatre. Apollo groans and runs after them, hoping he wouldn't need to defend Ema for murder after this.
~
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