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Coffee Burns
By: PineapplesAreMyWindows
Ema: What a weird pen-name. *munch munch*
Trucy: *opens mouth* Whooooooo lives in a pine-
Apollo: *covers Trucy's mouth* No. We already have music in the background, we don't need anymore.
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Michael Jackson was drinking coffee at a café. In Canada (A/N HE'S STILL ALIVE. LOOK IT UP.)
Klavier: I told you that the author was one of those conspiracists, ja?
Ema: Yeah yeah, you were right as always. Get that air out of your head.
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He was listening to his own music because he's narcissistic. He was tempted to do the moonwalk but didn't because he didn't want anyone to find out that he was still alive.
Suddenly, Klavier Gavin walked in for some brownies.
Klavier: Why would I be in Canada?
Apollo: Maybe you were on tour there.
Klavier: Nein, the Gavinners broke up.
Apollo: It was just a guess. If Michael Jackson is alive in this fic, then anything is possible.
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A bunch of people flocked to him for autographs and pictures that it took him two hours to get some brownies. A single tear ran down Michael's cheek because it reminded him that he was ugly and no one liked him anymore.
Apollo: Gee, that seems a bit rude.
Klavier: And plenty of people still adore him. Twelve people committed suicide because he died is all the proof you need. Ah, to still be legendary even after death…
Trucy: *whispers to Apollo* I think Prosecutor Gavin is jealous.
Klavier: Nein. Trust me, I'm anything but jealous. I don't need the media anymore in my life than they already are.
Ema: They
were pretty brutal toward him, even without those incidents.
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Klavier finally got his snacks and Michael was surprised to find him walking to his table.
"BROWNIES FOR MY BROWNIE!" Klavier shouted.
All: …
Apollo: Wow, um, I never thought you were racist.
Klavier: Because I am not. It seems that the author might be, though.
Trucy: Actually, I think that's just a reference to that Madea movie. Y'know, the one where she goes to jail?
Apollo: The world may never know.
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"H-How did you know…!?" Michael Jackson said, surprised. He looked white and was surprised that someone knew that he was black. So that must've meant… that Klavier knew exactly who he was!
"Ja, I can sniff out talent like a praying mantis. Besides, I could never forget such a beautiful performer."
Trucy: Do… praying mantises have a good sense of smell?
Ema: Actually, their antennae is what they use to smell out food, so their sense of smell is pretty good. I'm surprised the author would know something like that.
Apollo: It was probably just a lucky guess.
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Michael blushed. Klavier really was talking about his music and dance choreography, but Michael thought that he was talking about his looks and was happy that someone still found him beautiful.
Apollo: This is honestly kind of disrespectful… and creepy, too.
Ema: Disrespectfulness doesn't stop these authors, y'know.
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"Also," Klavier continued, "I can see the burn marks on your scalp."
"Whaaa!? B-But I HAD SURGERY FOR THAT!" Michael shouted really loudly and everyone was staring at him but he didn't notice. "I'M GOING TO SUE MY SURGEON… aw wait I'm dead."
Apollo: Wow, if this is how he acts, then I'm surprised no one found out his identity before…
Klavier: I could be wrong, but I don't think this is how Herr Jackson acted.
Ema: I don't know. If all famous people are like you, then I could imagine something like this happening.
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"It's ok." Klavier sat down. "I know how it feels. My guitar caught on fire while I was performing."
Klavier: Um, nein, I don't know how it feels. I didn't actually get burned, it just hurt to see such a beautiful guitar get destroyed.
Trucy: Um, well, you both had to deal with a fire during a performance? That's kind of similar, right?
Apollo: No, not at all.
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"You don't know how it feels. Your guitar wasn't you skin, it hurt when my hair was on fire. And yet I still performed because the show must go on."
"Excuse me, I consider MY GUITAR AN EXTENTSION OF MY BODY. It hurt to see my beautiful and expensive guitar burning up. I even felt real pain so I got 3RD DEGREE BURNS WHILE YOU GOT SECOND!"
Apollo: Wow, that logic. So just because you saw your guitar burn means that you got third degree burns?
Ema: Well technically, the real Fop's logic was the same as Jackson's.
Klavier: Ja, Herr Forehead, I'm not that silly.
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"Fair enough but I don't see any scars. Are you sure you got a third degree burn?" Michael sipped his coffee.
Klavier smiled with his impossible blue eyes. "I had a better surgeon than you."
Apollo: Don't tell me that Michael is actually buying that?
Trucy: And he's still drinking his coffee from two hours ago? That must be really cold! Bleh.
Ema: Also, that "smiling with your eyes" thing is really creepy to look at.
Trucy: Ah, you're right! *shivers*
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"Yeah well… I had better… dance instructors!" Michael said, ready to throw his coffee.
Apollo: What? What's with that horrible comeback? And why does he want to throw his coffee all of a sudden?
Trucy: His coffee must be so cold that he wants to get rid of it right away!
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Klavier laughed at that. "Ja, ja, I'm sure you did. I don't dance. I give you immense honor for still trying to perform Billy Jean with your hair on fire. I had to put out the fire on my guitar right away."
"I was perfectly cool with it. I would've done the whole commercial if the people running the thing hadn't trampled on me when I was done walking down the stairs." Michael voiced out, rubbing his scalp at the memory of the incident.
Ema: Actually, the reason why he was so calm was because he didn't even notice that he was on fire. But he would've about ten to fifteen seconds later, and there's no way he could've performed the whole commercial then.
Apollo: I think we know how fire works, Ema.
Ema: *shrugs* Not everyone knows what I just told you.
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"Ha, it would've been smart not to do that, ja? After you were done with the song they could've poured pepsi on your head to put out the fire. It was a pepsi commercial, ja? Would've been good for business."
"Yeah… but hey, I'd definitely get third degree burns at that point."
Ema: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life. Give it to the fop to say something like that.
Klavier: Ack, you think too little of me, Fräulein. Even I know that the pepsi would sting and would probably make things worse.
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"You were already on fire, you didn't need that." Klavier mused. "I'm sure many people wanted to kiss you like two oil-slicked seals."
"Um, sure." Michael agreed, but thought that that guy was officially wacked.
Apollo: I agree. I mean, two oil-slicked seals? What kind of metaphor is that?
Trucy: Actually, that's a simile, not a metaphor.
Klavier: Look like someone needs to go back to school, ja, Herr Forehead?
Apollo: Gee, it was just a simple mistake. I know the difference between a simile and a metaphor!
Trucy: Sure, Polly.
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He finished his coffee and ate one of the brownies that Klavier brought to the table.
Suddenly, Klavier jumped up when he saw APOLLO JUSTICE walk into the café.
Trucy: Why is Polly's name all in caps?
Klavier: Maybe it is a reference to his chords of steel?
Ema: That's… perfectly plausible.
Apollo: (I don't just randomly yell like that…)
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"Oh shit!" Klavier said and grabbed Michael's wrist.
"W-What are you doing?"
"Quick, your coffee!" Klavier grabbed Jackson's coffee and hurled the cup at Apollo head.
"I was enjoying that, you psycho!" Michael yelled.
Trucy: So Prosecutor Gavin decided to throw someone else's really cold coffee that they were apparently enjoying at Polly… just because?
Klavier: Yes, because fic-me doesn't know anything about class.
Apollo: (Yeah, class…) Actually, it said earlier that Michael finished his coffee, so…
Trucy: Oh, you're right! So then he threw an empty coffee cup at Polly just because! That makes so much more sense now!
Apollo: … (She can't be serious, can she!? …I give up trying to understand.)
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Klavier didn't pay attention and dragged Michael out the door. They could hear Apollo's yelps when scalding hot coffee hit his face. Michael wanted to turn around and help, since he could still be nice, and obviously had experience with burns. But figured that it musti've been someone who Klavier REALLY hated.
Trucy: But the cup was empty! There's no way anything could've burned him. Unless… Mr. Armando is the god of this AU!
Ema: Or Michael's coffee just got refilled off screen.
Trucy: …Nah.
Apollo: Wait, so just because I'm someone who Prosecutor Gavin hates… that's a good reason not to help me?
Trucy: Yeah, I guess so.
Apollo: …
Klavier: If this were the real me, I would help you.
Apollo: Yeah, thanks…
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They ran into a forest and DAMON GANT WAS THERE!
All: Ahhh!
Ema: Why are you all yelling!? I'm the only one who actually knows him!
Klavier: It doesn't matter, Fräulein, we're all traumatized from the other fics he's appeared in.
Apollo: He's also creepy enough on his own…
Ema: Well, I can't really argue there…
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"Oh, hey there Jacko!" Damon waved at Michael. "And why, you're Krissy's brother, aren't you?"
"Um, ja…"
"What are you doing with Jacko?" Damon eyes lingered at Klavier's fingers wrapped around Michael's wrist, and came to his own conclusion. "Whup! Hahahahaha! Hey, you know that I taught Jacko what he does best, right?"
Apollo: So, Mr. Gant is good at singing and dancing, then?
Klavier: N-Nein, it's not that…
Ema: *shudder*
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"Umm… you know how to sing and dance?" Klavier guessed, wanting to hurry along and jump in a river.
"No, no! Oh, I guess you'll see soon enough if you're here for what I think you are." Damon winked.
Apollo: Again with these random and weird desires.
Klavier: No offense, Herr Forehead, but I'm more concerned that Mr. Gant thinks that Michael Jackson and I want to… do anything.
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Klavier really wanted to escape so he grabbed some leaves and ripped them to shreds. Thick coffee came out of the leaves and he whipped them in Gant's eyes.
All: …
Apollo: Um, what?
Trucy: See, I told you that Mr. Armando is the god of this fic's universe!
Apollo: *sigh*
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"Agghhh!" Gant yelled and Klavier ran away, pulling Michael along with him.
While they were running, Michael heard his song "Bad" and saw a guy with a lot of holes in his coat singing "Because I'm Badd, I'm Badd! Really Badd! Y'know I'm Badd, I'm Badd; really, really Badd! And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again, who's Badd…"
All: …
Ema: Ummm…?
Apollo: No comment.
Klavier: Yeah, I'm not really sure what to say to this either…
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Michael thought it was really weird and started to feel like the only sane person in the area.
Apollo: Y'know, I think he's right.
Klavier: And if this keeps up, he'll soon be the only sane person in this theatre.
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They finally stopped near a lake and dropped down into the bushes.
"Ugh… that was fun, ja?"
"No," Michael said bluntly.
"Ah, live a little, Herr Moonwalker. You'd think the King of Pop would know to have fun, ja?"
"I don't think that qualifies as 'fun,'" Michael said.
Apollo: Agreed. Wow, I never thought that he would be so relatable. He was a little… weird in the beginning of the fic, but now I can really relate.
Ema: That's probably because everyone else is flat out crazy.
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"OK." Klavier eyed the water and gave Michael a smirk. "Nee, Mikaeru-chan, remember when your hair got caught on fire?"
Klavier: Ja, or course he remembers. We were just talking about it! There is no need to act like an idiot, fic-me.
Ema: There's also no need to call him "Mikaeru-chan."
Trucy: Yeah, doesn't the author know that you're more into German than Japanese?
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"Of course, we were just talking about it! And are you a weeb or something? Not that I mind, all my fans are my family, blood related."
Ema: No, they're not. What kind of nonsense is that?
Speakers:
Actually, that is a real thing that Michael Jackson said…Ema: I've always heard that he was smart. You don't even need a common science class to know that.
Apollo: I think he was just trying to be nice…
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"Yeah well…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… (A/N shit I forgot where I was going with this.)
Apollo: How professional.
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"Yeah?" Michael asked. He was getting annoyed and wanted to go home.
"Um, I've seen the video of that incident and there was a huge nastly bald spot, and I'm wondering how your hair is still so luscious."
Michael rolled his eyes. "It's a wig."
Trucy: I always thought it was obvious that it was a wig. His hair was kind of curly before, but then it was suddenly straight.
Ema: And his hair was always in his face in unnatural ways.
Apollo: How can hair be in your face "unnaturally?"
Ema: Just put on a wig and you'll see.
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"Oh. OOOHHHHH@@!!!1!" And he winked at my favorite Michael.
Trucy: …*starts laughing*
Klavier: What's so funny, Fräulein Trucy?
Trucy: *giggling* It's just the fact that the management had you say those "at's" and the "one!"
Klavier: *smiles* Well I guess it was kind of funny.
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Michael forced a smile, but really wanted to get away from Klavier asap.
Apollo: Same.
Klavier: Then go, Herr Forehead. No one is making you stay here.
Apollo: I was just talking about fic-you, not the real you. I just meant that I want to get away from the fanfic version of you.
Klavier: Ja, then you can go. No one is making you stay.
Apollo: The management is… with their locked doors and all.
Speakers:
Yes, our safe, and always secured, locked doors.Ema: We get it, they're always locked. You don't have to use all those synonyms.
Speakers:
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"Do you wanna skinny dip?" Klavier asked Michael-kun.
Um n-" but then Michael got a plan. "Actually, sure! I would love to! Now, how about you go first? I have to hide in the bushes so no one would recognize me because I still have all my vitiligo spots."
"OK, see you there babaaayyy!" Klavier took all of his clothes off with a snap of his fingers and jumped into the lake.
Trucy: Wow! I didn't know you knew how to do a trick like that; I want to learn!
Klavier: I would teach you, but I don't actually know any tricks.
Trucy: Aw.
Apollo: …Wait, why would you want to learn something like that!?
Trucy: Hmm, so I could get ready for school more quickly!
Apollo: …Oh.
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MJ went to the bushes and yelled "One minute!" But he then ran away.
"Yoohooo! Herr King! Where aaaare you? Hey, are you-? Get back here!"
Apollo: *cheers* Go, Michael, go!
Ema: What are you so excited about?
Apollo: Isn't it obvious? I actually really
want him to get away.
Trucy: Well, if I was in the position, I would want to run away too.
Klavier: Me too.
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Michael was already a mile away and Klavii wanted to run after him but realized that he was naked so he summoned all his power and turned the lake into coffee! Then he tossed the coffee-water at Michael.
All: …
Apollo: Y'know, I think your "Mr. Armando is the god of this AU" theory may be true, Trucy.
Trucy: Of course it is! You should always trust my intuition!
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"Is this really how it's going to end? Prince, Paris, Blanket… I'm sorry…"
Then the wave of coffee hit Michael and he was reminded of those terrible burns and much much more.
Now I guess, Michael is dead.
Or… is he really?
Apollo: I guess it was obvious that he wasn't going to escape. Oh well…
Trucy: Are you really that sad, Polly?
Apollo: What? No! It's just a fic after all… and Michael Jackson is dead anyway.