I used to be happy. When I look back on those days I almost smile but then I stop myself because if I smiled I'd be happy and that's not allowed since that was in the past.

It's those good ol' days of college and what would otherwise be considered child-like innocence. Not a worry in the world - just going through life, no 8-5, just dicking around and not giving two shits or even one shit. Giving no shits was the mantra of the olden days. Taking shits still happened on occasion though due to natural physiology.

Video games often mirror life. You remember those grand old days of Mario? Stomping goombas was the best. Jumping over pirana plants was easy, and you could even shoot fire and be invincible for brief periods of times. Games like Mario showed us that in the "game" of life, you can have some easy breaks as long as you don't use them to commit arson or use star power to rob banks since that is illegal. Back then, games showed us the pleasures of life while also making sure we knew how to battle the morally gray.

But those happy times changed around the end of the NES's life cycle. A terrorist gaming company named Rare developed their ultimate weapon. A weapon that, in itself, was not violent. It did not exhude poison gas (at least by the end of beta testing), and on the surface it just seemed like a harmless cartridge. It looked just like any of those Mario games that made us so happy as children. Surely this "Battletoads" would also make us happy.

That was far from the case. Sure, the first couple of levels were tame, and the pause music caused thousands of DJs to incorporate it into their funky fresh beats at techno club scenes across the nation. While the game didn't afford gamers invincibility or the ability to shoot fire unless you're riding a pig dragon - and c'mon who rides a pig dragon - it allowed us to maintain our happyness...for those two levels at least...

The release of the SNES that same year caused some attention to divert away from Battletoads, with people focusing on games that continued the tradition of child-like fun.

But Battletoads was not forgotten, not by a long shot.

There was an obsessive man named Kurtz who would always play a game to completion. He never multi-gamed - he was focused. It worked fine at first...until he stumbled upon Battletoads.

He reached Stage 3, the infamous Turbo Tunnel. Kurtz's seclusion grew more and more noticeable. And it only grew worse. No matter how hard he tried, he kept dying at the very end. He hit those pink slabs so much that he swore off meat forever. It became a spiral into his own personal hell. On his 1,000th death, he had a complete mental breakdown. When asked what was wrong, all Kurtz could say was, "The horror...the horror..." to his good friend Joseph Conrad, who came by to visit one day. Conrad was so horrified and touched by Kurtz's tragic tale, that he wrote a book about the ordeal - the now critically acclaimed Heart of Darkness. A common misconception is that Conrad's novel is based on the horrors of war, but deeper research will prove that it is based on Battletoads.

Kurtz's pain exploded a hundred fold after Conrad's book was published. The sheer fear and horror that Battletoads propagated caused an emergency session by Congress, who immediately banned the game from all gaming outlets across the country (this historical event is popularly know as Prohibition).

But the ban soon caused further paranoia in the country. The government knew that the rebellous minded youth in the country would want to play the game. Senator Joseph McCarthy vowed to track down any children playing the game, and anyone in the country showing any dermatological problems were immediately brought into questioning. In Oregon, several people were tried and executed on suspection of performing attempts at beating the level where you ride in a small jet without dying. McCarthy likened their behavior as attempts at witchcraft, which is why the famous trials and executions are known now as the Salem Witch Trials (for playing Battletoads).

While the ban was eventually lifted after Joseph McCarthy was caught repelling down a mountain (people thought he was imitating Level 2 and called him a hypocrite), the game remained popular in other countries. Russia would eventually claim that its top officials were able to beat the game. The U.S. already feared that the Russians might beat them to the moon, but beating them to the Battletoads finale was unheard of. Could they really possess the destructive technology required to beat Battletoads? Russia did not flex their supposedly newfound muscle, but the fear remained. This "Cold War" lasted for several years until Solid Snake infiltrated the Himalyas and discovered a small compound where sweatshop children were being raised to beat the game, but they hadn't gotten past the reservoir level. Worldwide homeostasis had been restored after Snake blew up the compound and a new walking battle tank that was designed based off Rash (the sunglasses actually blinded the pilot so it was pretty easy to destroy).

As you can see, Battletoads has a significant history behind it. It wasn't just a game - it was a controversy, a source of fear, a hell. Back then, you could hardly call it a game so much as political propaganda. But those times are behind us.

I'm here to quell the fear and horror once and for all. In the process, you young ones will understand why the game torn a nation apart, and you'll know why the game almost caused another world war.

I am going to beat Battletoads. Then I will be happy again.

The games are Aladdin, Illusion of Time (known as Illusion of Gaia outside Europe), Secret of Mana, Super Mario World, Terranigma (rare game is rare) and ActRaiser.