Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

tiger_festival · Post by **tiger_festival** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 12:42 pm

Well, you pretty much did everything better than me. But just for the hell of it, I'll post whatever I had.

Blackmail by EvilWaffleS

It was another lousy night, the rain was torrential.

Ema: Torrential – (adjective) a word that the target audience probably has no idea what it means.
Apollo: You mean us?

Alone in his apartment, Apollo did the only thing he could to pass time.

Apollo: Do not make that joke.
Klavier: I don’t think anyone was going to, Herr Forehead.

He glanced between his violin, cello and guitar – choosing the guitar.

Klaiver: I didn’t know you play guitar.
Apollo: No, but apparently the author thinks I also play violin and cello. She must have missed the part where I said I only knew chords of steel.
Speakers: The management would like to remind the sporkers that leaning on the fourth wall is prohibited within the sporking theater.
Apollo: *sigh*

Lifting it onto his lap he began to play and sing the first song that came into his head.

Phoenix: So now Apollo’s also a talented singer. What’s next, he knows the cure for cancer?
Ema: To be fair, the fic never said he was good at it.

[Song lyrics, nothing extraordinary here.]

On the other side of town Ema was busily typing away on her computer. Stupid reports! I want to go home! She had been typing for so long that her knuckles cracked every time she moved. She was working overtime, around eight in the evening (on top of the ten hour shift she had already done). The only other person in the building with her was Klavier.

Apollo: Wait, if we assume that this building is the Police Department building, then why are Ema and Klavier the only two people in the building? Doesn’t that place always have people in it?
Phoenix: Yeah, but those people aren’t named characters. To the author, they’re nonexistent.
Speakers: The management would like to remind the sporkers that breaking the fourth wall is prohibited within the sporking theater.

-x-x-

Klavier: Oh look, a line break. At least there’s something this author knows how to do.

[The fic then goes on to detail Klavier having his “alone time”.]

Phoenix: …
Apollo: …
Klavier: …
Ema: ...
All: ...
Phoenix: Oh, it’s one of those fics.

He finally found what he had been looking for, a way of getting his cute little Fraulien to do whatever he pleased. He printed out said information and fastened his shirt back up. He hoped the Fraulien was still downstairs, all alone.

Klavier: It’s “Fraülein”. The diaeresis is important.
Phoenix: The what?
Klavier: The two dots above the “u”.
Apollo: So are we just going to ignore the fact that fic Klavier apparently found something to blackmail fic Ema with?
Phoenix: Now you’re catching on.

”Fraulien.” He whispered softly in her ear.
“Gwaah!” Ema squealed, trying to push her chair away. “Fuck off Gavin. I have work to do and I’d like to go home soon.”
“You won’t be going home very soon my dear Fraulien.” He whispered..
“What!?”
“I know you want me.” He purred. Ema just happened to glance at the bulge in Klavier’s tight jeans – a big mistake.

*ka-tonk*
Klavier: Ow!
Ema: Do us all a favor and never purr again.
Klavier: That's not me up there!

"More like you want me. You ain't getting no tail of me, you're more likely to get it off a dog." Ema snarled - clearly working more than ten hours a day made her much grumpier than normal.

Ema: Yes, because I would have totally just went along with it if I hadn't been working ten hours a day.

"Come on Fraulein." He persisted. "Just touch it?"
"Go fuck yourself, wanker." Ema bit.

Apollo: Bit what?
Phoenix: Her tongue?
Klavier : Her words?
Ema: My invisible snacks?

"I thought you might say that, so I found this..."
The sheet contained personal information about her sister - Lana Skye. The information stated that she had broken the law of the precinct - don't date anyone in the workplace - she had been dating the recently promoted-back-to detective Jake Marshall. It had been a well guarded secret - however someone had most likely leaked it into the most private files at the prosecutor's office.

Ema: How did Mr. Marshall become a detective again after being arrested for assaulting a police officer?
Apollo: What even is the information that proves a relationship between Lana Skye and Jake Marshall?
Klavier: Why would that person decide to place it in a spot only a select few have access to?
Phoenix: Because the author said so.

"Give me that!" Ema cried out, launching herself off the chair to grab it from him.
"Na-ah." He directed her attention back to the bulge. "This first."

Apollo: I don't buy it. There's no way any author would be depraved enough to write what I think they're about to write.
Phoenix: Not even after Law Plus Chaos?
Apollo: WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN!

"No!" Ema screamed.
"Or I show this to everyone at work, I'm sure this combined with her near scrape of getting a criminal record could get her fired for good ja?"
"No!" Ema pleaded, she couldn't let anything bad happen to Lana. Especially losing her job. "I'll do anything, just promise to destroy it and erase it off the records."

Phoenix: If office romance was an offense, there would have been much more controversy during Maggey Byrde's trial.
Apollo: But that was years ago, right? Maybe the times have changed.
Ema: Or maybe it's convenient for the plot.

"Anything?" She could sense the meaning in his voice. "Fuck me."
"I won't have sex with you." Ema daren't look him in the face. "Anything but that."
"I am going to make you into a little slave..." His grin was that of the devil.

Klavier Herr Wright. Let me just clarify one thing: we can't sue the author for defamation of character?
Phoenix: If we could, we wouldn't be here sporking this fic.
Ema: Can't fic me just arrest him right then and right there? She am a detective and fic Klavier did just threaten her, after all.

"W-what!?" He waved the paper before her eyes, she knew she had no choice.
"Do anything and everything I ask and I won't rape you, disobey me and not only will your sister lose her job, you will never be loved by a man again!"

Apollo: But wouldn't making Ema have sex with him still count as rape?
Ema: And why would I not be loved by a man "again" if my sister was outed?
Phoenix: Look, the less complaints you have, the quicker we can get out of here.
Speakers: The management would like to remind the sporkers that they must be paying attention at all times.

He banged his fist on his desk. "Do we have a deal?"

Klaiver: Didn't fic me already leave my office? How did he bang his fist on his desk?
Apollo: Perhaps you ran back to your office, banged your fist there for emphasis, then ran back down to Ema's office. ...Because the plot.

"Bastard..." Ema sobbed. "I-I have no choice..."

Apollo: Yes, thank you for telling us what the narrator just did two lines ago.

"Good, now let's get some of those clothes off..."
"N-no..." She whimpered - so low it was barely audible.

Klavier: Hey, you guys are going to keep this as PG as possible, right?

[But first, song lyrics, yay!]

Apollo: You know what? Maybe fic Klavier is just angry fic me plays guitar. Maybe fic me stole a guitar from him, that's why he just decided to up and rape someone.
Klavier: That's not even close to a proper motive.
Apollo: Well it's something.

[And then Klavier and Ema... you know. It's disturbing.]

Phoenix: Even the description is ashamed.

"Ha ha ha, what a mess I've made you into." He knelt down beside her. "You can go home now but bear this in mind - tell anyone and I'll make sure your sister loses her job, everyone knows what you and I just did and you lose your job too."
"M-my job!? Y-you t-too Gav-!"

Ema: Even fic me is pointing out the holes in this.

"It's master! you hear!" He hit her again. "I'm irreplaceable, you're just another detective." He whispered. "You beter be obedient to me from now on, understand me slave?
"Y-yes master..."

Phoenix: If detectives are disposable, then why did Detective Gumshoe show up for nearly every case I took?
Apollo: Well, where is he now?
Phoenix: Who knows? The games never told us.
Speakers: *ahem*

-x-x-

She never told anyone when she got home, she ignored her sister and went straight to the bathroom where she took the longest hot water bath she ever recalled having.

Apollo: There are so many holes in this sentence...
Ema: Let me do it. *ahem* Taking a bath after being raped is the least effective thing a rape victim can do. While the victim may want to be "cleaned" from the experience, a shower washes off any evidence that could be used against the rapist. This is taught in forensics seminars for high school students, yet fic me apparently didn't know this. Second, why would fic me not tell fic Lana? Considering the way she talked about her before, consulting her sister should be the first thing she should do. Third, if fic me took a hot water bath and spent way longer than she normally did, wouldn't fic Lana notice this? Instead, she will probably notice no signs that her younger sister is behaving strangely and clearly hiding something from her until someone flat out tells her despite the fact that she raised said younger sister herself.
Apollo: Yeah, that about covers it and more.

And that's all I had. Somewhere along the line, I think my attempts at sporkers just became cardboard cutouts only slightly more in-character than in this fic. Well, thanks to you, I no longer have to read the rest of that fic.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 1:26 pm

Your characterization was passable, but I think you need to work on Ema and Apollo needs to be a bit more sarcastic. I liked Klavier nitpicking the German.
By the way, it's a good idea to hit enter twice after each character's line. It makes it easier to read.
(And of course, references to other sporkings are always appreciated.)

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 4:41 pm

Not sure if it's bragging, but I think Phoenix starting to sing should become a meme.

Phoenix: I know you want me~ You know I want cha~ I know you want meee~ You know I want cha~

Apollo: Your singing voice is horrible, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: That was the point.

Phoenix: Dancing underneath the skies of lust~

Apollo: ...That was creepy, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: It was meant to.

Apollo: Aren't you in just a bit too high spirits?

Phoenix: I'm trying to.

Phoenix: We will, we will rock you~!

Apollo: Mr. Wright, please stop.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 4:49 pm

I agree.

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:17 pm

Always nice to see more people contributing.

Just curious, guys, how many of us have done sporkings before coming upon this thread? I mentioned that the sporking I've posted a bit earlier was my first official sporking, but really, I've never sporked anything at all before. The satire naturally comes to me, I guess.

Heh, the only thing I could keep repeating in my head from Nearavex's sporking was "Go home, Phoenix, you're drunk." I mean, he IS drunk, right? He wouldn't keep singing horribly otherwise. (To be honest, it wasn't really to my taste, but to each his/her own.) Thankfully, the rest of the group is still sensible, ~~I kept cackling evilly at Klavier's degradation~~ and more Lana is always good in my book.

As for yours, sumguy, I don't think it was that bad an effort, but they do come across as a little stiff sometimes, maybe even just a little OOC, but certainly not anything too off. Practice makes perfect, or you could try another with a different cast. Sometimes people are better with certain characters than others.

...I'm not coming off as a little snobbish, am I? It's the critic in me.

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:32 pm

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:Heh, the only thing I could keep repeating in my head from Nearavex's sporking was "Go home, Phoenix, you're drunk." I mean, he IS drunk, right? He wouldn't keep singing horribly otherwise.

I think he's just trolling, really.

Pessimistic_Fool · Post by **Pessimistic_Fool** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 6:48 pm

Really sorry for my absense, guys, things happened and I was super busy and couldn't come in. But I'll try to catch up now.

@Saresa: Edgeworth knows fully well what time he is from, and so did the management (aka I) in my last spork. Hence the time duct comment at the beginning of the spork. At least for this specific theater room, the time problem was fixed. And Airey was correct about the copy protection.

@Rubia: I hear fanfics become very compliant if you introduce to them your right to click. ;)

Now I guess I should get started on the catching up. You seem to have written quite a lot since the last time I was here.
*goes to read*

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 7:05 pm

Nearavex wrote:
Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:Heh, the only thing I could keep repeating in my head from Nearavex's sporking was "Go home, Phoenix, you're drunk." I mean, he IS drunk, right? He wouldn't keep singing horribly otherwise.
I think he's just trolling, really.

Personally, I always assume Hobo Nick is at least tipsy.

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:23 pm

^ I always figured it was both.

@Pessimistic_fool Welcome back. I've already installed Right to Click, so no problems here. I'll get to mine soon enough, but since finals are over, I'm taking the chance to kick back.

Pessimistic_Fool · Post by **Pessimistic_Fool** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:33 pm

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote: Meanwhile, Pessimistic seems to be busy. Not to be pushy, but I'm curious to see her next one as well. If I recall, she was also using DD characters, and since I'm planning to use them (since Nick and Edgey are so abusable, heh heh), I hope there won't be some awkward overlapping. Maybe we could toss it up to the strange workings of the time-space-distorting theater?

Generally speaking, if you don't throw out sporks at Airey's rate, it's usually safe to write and post your sporks while I'm working on mine. I always take longer than most of you, and I read up on sporks I missed before posting mine, so I can change things to reflect recent events in the theater before posting mine. I also still need to do more research on Athena if I want to use her again, which could also take a while. You can easily use characters I used in my spork and place them in yours. I will just write whomever I use from the point we last saw them.

dimentiorules · Post by **dimentiorules** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:10 pm

I'd like to try my hand at a sporking! It looks fun! All I need is a fic that is bad enough..... Any suggestions?

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:13 pm

How do you feel about really creepy incest fanfics?

dimentiorules · Post by **dimentiorules** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:39 pm

AireyVerkhovensky wrote:How do you feel about really creepy incest fanfics?

Okay, I'm writing my sporking now. It should be done within a few days.

Saresa · Post by **Saresa** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:48 am

I found this one fic on FF.net. It's no way as horrifying or creepy as the ones we've had recently... alright, it *is* creepy, but not in the same way.

It's basically a copy-paste of the first 2 canon cases, with a Mary-Sue shoved in to steal Nick's heart and save everyone with her "amazing detective skills". It was a real pain to read. If no one is interested, I would like to spork this one, though I have no idea on where to start from with a format like that.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 12:52 am

Saresa wrote:I found this one fic on FF.net. It's no way as horrifying or creepy as the ones we've had recently... alright, it *is* creepy, but not in the same way.

It's basically a copy-paste of the first 2 canon cases, with a Mary-Sue shoved in to steal Nick's heart and save everyone with her "amazing detective skills". It was a real pain to read. If no one is interested, I would like to spork this one, though I have no idea on where to start from with a format like that.

It'd be a nice change of pace, hahaha. Go for it.

...wait, why is George Takei listed next to Frank Sawhit? Do I want to know?

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 4:46 am

AireyVerkhovensky wrote:How do you feel about really creepy incest fanfics?

Masturbation, Angst.

Never expected to see these two words next to each other.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:25 am

Nearavex wrote:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:How do you feel about really creepy incest fanfics?
Masturbation, Angst.

Never expected to see these two words next to each other.

I just think it's odd, in retrospect, that I'm the one who keeps finding all the incest fics in this thread. Do I just have bad luck or something? Or is that my shtick?

dimentiorules · Post by **dimentiorules** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 3:59 pm

Hmm...Hmmm...... this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. The hard part is coming up with things to get the sporkers to say, as a lot of the fic is just the same sort of stuff over and over. I got done about a third of it so far, but this is actually kinda tough!

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 4:46 pm

You mean the Mary Sue fic or Klavier fic?

Chloe · Post by **Chloe** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:57 pm

Nearavex wrote:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:How do you feel about really creepy incest fanfics?
Masturbation, Angst.

Never expected to see these two words next to each other.

I've seen these two words get mixed in a lot of fan fics.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 10:03 pm

Chloe wrote:
Nearavex wrote:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:How do you feel about really creepy incest fanfics?
Masturbation, Angst.

Never expected to see these two words next to each other.
I've seen these two words get mixed in a lot of fan fics.

I for one can't think of a single instance where masturbation wasn't paired with angst, not counting fics where the masturbating character gets laid.

Pessimistic_Fool · Post by **Pessimistic_Fool** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 12:46 am

Okay, I'm almost done reading up on page six. Can't read that last spork on that page right now, it's just too long.
My comments so far:

Airey's spork from July 17:

-Ema trying to bribe the guards is hilarious! I can just picture it.
-I like Klavier's interactions with the management. Very entertaining. ^^
-Judge Salsa is so stupid and kind of offensive (since the writer felt the need to give special attention to him being Jamaican, I wonder what kind of idea he ior she has of Jamaicans). And seriously, what's that "my Lord" thing about? Is this guy some kind of revenge depiction of an ex the writer had?
-Minor nitpicking: As bad as Klavier's German may be, I think he would know how to pronounce/spell "nein". ;) And "Fräu"? Was he trying to say Fräulein and swallowed the second half?

Rubia's spork from July 19:

-Whoa, this fic is badly written! Not to mention that ingenious way to not introduce the characters.
-Phoenix and Maya trying to object to the writer's false testimony XD
-As should come as no surprise, you have a very good way of writing the characters. I wouldn't mind reading some more sporks from you if you feel like it every now and then.
-I love that silhuette ending. You definitely need to write more, Rubia!

Airey's spork from July 19:

-Fed-up Edgeworth is fed up. ^^ Can't really blame him with how often he has been summoned lately. Poor guy hardly had time to get any work done.

Airey's spork from July 24:

-How did Kay break through the air vents? We sealed them off ages ago. Please tell me she didn't get some new tools that make her breaking in even easier! xAx
-Wait, what's this about the envelope? You actually met Kay inside the theater and spoke to her? What is this, are you in cahoots with her? Did you let her in by the air vents?

Airey's spork from July 28:

-Ah yes, Phoenix ducking away from spork duty again. ^^ One would think he had learned his lesson by now. I hope the punishment will be cruel.
-Nice touch there with the scream cut to the space shuttle. Very nice. :D
-I see Kay is back to her snotty attitude. I guess she wasn't as compliant as she made it look, huh?

Also, I have a question. I found a text file I had forgotten in which I had started sporking both "Phoenix Wright - Evil Continues" and "Word of the Day". Would it be able for me to finish them after I'm done with Following the Law, or has somebody else already started on them, too?

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 2:15 am

New headcanon: Airey is the Kay of our Sporking Management. She comes in and out as she pleases.

I'm currently revising the sporking I have on "Word of the Day". After that last one where my brain could not process what I was reading, I've opted for one with a little more intellectual wit, or at least an attempt at it. I hope you don't mind that I break more of what little reality we have left by including a teleporter that makes it easier for us to gather these characters without having to concern over how they arrive. This is the perfect way to prevent Kay from snooping around.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 2:35 am

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:New headcanon: Airey is the Kay of our Sporking Management. She comes in and out as she pleases.

Hehehehehehehe

Chloe · Post by **Chloe** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 9:44 am

I did have great fun writing Law Plus Chaos. It started off as a few fills for the kink meme then I kinda merged them together with all the ideas I had when I was new to the kink meme. Since it's an old fic, I'm not even offended by the spork. Well even if it was a new fic, I probally still wouldn't be offended. XD The spork was amazing. I can't believe some of the things I wrote in it. Some of it makes me cringe. But it was good times. Well I hope my fics have improved since then.

Can we only just spork ace attorney fics here? I think it would be cool if the ace attorney characters were able to spork non-ace attorney fics.

Thane · Post by **Thane** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 10:50 am

Saresa wrote:I found this one fic on FF.net. It's no way as horrifying or creepy as the ones we've had recently... alright, it *is* creepy, but not in the same way.

It's basically a copy-paste of the first 2 canon cases, with a Mary-Sue shoved in to steal Nick's heart and save everyone with her "amazing detective skills". It was a real pain to read. If no one is interested, I would like to spork this one, though I have no idea on where to start from with a format like that.

Oh no...

Oh no...

OH NO!

I'd make a spork out of this myself if I could stomach reading it.

Pessimistic_Fool · Post by **Pessimistic_Fool** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 1:08 pm

Chloe wrote:Can we only just spork ace attorney fics here? I think it would be cool if the ace attorney characters were able to spork non-ace attorney fics.

This specific thread is for Ace Attorney fics only, but if you want, you could probably make another thread for sporking other fics? In which case people could also use sporkers from other series if they want. I think it might be interesting.

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 3:01 pm

Thane wrote:
Saresa wrote:I found this one fic on FF.net. It's no way as horrifying or creepy as the ones we've had recently... alright, it *is* creepy, but not in the same way.

It's basically a copy-paste of the first 2 canon cases, with a Mary-Sue shoved in to steal Nick's heart and save everyone with her "amazing detective skills". It was a real pain to read. If no one is interested, I would like to spork this one, though I have no idea on where to start from with a format like that.
Oh no...

Oh no...

OH NO!

I'd make a spork out of this myself if I could stomach reading it.

I tried doing it, but I just can't. It's badly written (the sentences don't even grammatically make sense), it's boring and so is the sporking since there's nothing to make fun of, the introduction hasn't even ended and I just can't handle sporking it, neither do the characters... or even the Management.

Thane · Post by **Thane** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 4:07 pm

"Ace Attorney: Phoenix Wright Law and Order"

Three Sahwits

The first chapter of this fic tries to rewrite the first case of the first game and spice things up a bit by adding a new character. However, she's by all accounts a Mary Sue who was shoved into the story to serve as Phoenix's love interest, and it's handled about as subtly as a house on fire. It's a grammatical mess, and the parts that aren't directly taken from the game are filled with OOC-ness.

Today's sporkers:

Phoenix Wright
You know, I thought lawyers were supposed to be respected to some degree...

Maya Fey
Cheer up, Nick! I'll let you treat me to lunch once this is over!

:peal-mia: Mia Fey
Well now, this should be quite interesting.

Larry Butz
So this is the place Edgey joked about is it? Hang on...Edgey never jokes...Wait, guards! There's been a mistake! I'm not Edgey!

[The doors to the sporking theatre open. Mia and Larry are being led in by the guards.]

Larry: So uh...you free after this?

Mia: I'm being channeled from beyond the grave by an eight-year-old, Harry Butz.

Larry:...Good talk.

[After a minute of awkward silence, Maya enters the room, followed by Phoenix]

Maya: Heya sis! Whacha doing here?

Mia: You tell me, I've barely been in here.

Phoenix: Good to see you again, Chief, although I wish it were under better circumstances. Wait, where's Edgeworth?

Maya: Mr. Edgeworth isn't here? Do you think he fled the country to avoid this place?

Phoenix: Well it's not like he doesn't have the money for it...

Mia: Phoenix, are you considering a career change?

Phoenix: No no no, not at all! ...It'd just be nice if my clients actually paid me.

Larry: Yeah, thanks for defending me for free buddy! I owe you one!

Phoenix: You know, I never once agreed to that...

Speakers: The sporking will now begin. Take your seats.

Mia: Well then, this might even be fun!

Larry: Yeah I mean we've got one chick each, right, Nick?

Mia: Once again, Harry, eight-year-old.

Larry: Oh yeah...

Chapter 1: Defense Lawyer Phoenix Wright

Maya:...II, the return of the prosecution!

Phoenix: Huh?

Maya: I just wanted to make it sound a bit more interesting!

Phoenix: Something tells me this is going to be "interesting" all right.

Mia: Well, so far so good.

Characters:

Phoenix Wright - Sam Riegel

Raven Strides - Leah Clark

Bobby Poster - Christopher Smith

Larry Butz (defendant) - Yuri Lowenthal

(Murder victim) - Cindy Stone

Winston Payne - James Hong

(Witness) - Frank Sahwit - George Takei

Mia Fey - Megan Hollinghead

The Judge - Grant James

All:...

Phoenix: Chief, please explain what's going on.

Mia: I believe the author assumed his or her work would become so well-received that famous actors would just line up to play a part in a movie adaptation of it.

Larry: Hey, wait a minute, why am I the defendant?! That's not fair! I've already been charged with murder!

Mia: If you'd read through it again, it says Ms. Cindy Stone is the victim. I believe the author is going to write about Phoenix's first case.

Maya: So am I the only one who noticed that nobody is playing Cindy Stone?

Phoenix: Maybe even this fic couldn't get well-known actors to play the part of a corpse.

Maya: I think it's more likely that the author just forgot to write a name there. I mean, who WOULDN'T want to be part of "Defense Lawyer Phoenix Wright II: The Return of the Prosecution"?!

Phoenix: Maya, that's not going to be a thing.

Maya: You never know!

?: *gasp* *...*gasp* Damn it! ...Why me? I can't get caught! ...Not like this! I-I've gotta find someone to pin this on...

Phoenix: He can't get caught "like this"? Could he get caught in some other way?

Thinking to himself really hard, he thought of someone close by that he could have arrested instead of the other.

?: Someone like...him! I'll make it look like. HE did it!

Mia: Instead of the other what?

Maya: Sis, your head will explode if you're going to get caught up on every little detail.

Mia: Like that random dot before the "HE"?

Maya: Uh-huh.

Mia: Got it.

Phoenix: So, he was thinking hard about someone to pin the blame on, and there was only one other person around? If this is who I think it is, then it's no wonder the trial ended so quickly.

The next morning at the office with many computers working hard on it, cameras of many photos hanging all over the walls, and newspapers being made from many people all over the building from machines to handmade...

Mia: Working hard on what?

Phoenix: Cameras of many photos hanging all over the walls? They decorated the walls with cameras?

Maya: Cameras of many photos...maybe they're veteran cameras that have taken so many pictures that they've now retired from service and are inspiring new cameras to work hard on being the best cameras they can be!

Phoenix: You're giving the author far too much credit.

One girl does from real detective of murder mystery skills on her laptop, to hacking, working hard at her work and very smart as well as being pretty. The people love her but her boss abuses her all the time known as Bobby Poster. This girl who wants to do her work a lot was name Raven Strides: 23 years old, bright blue eye, wear a black and red big headphone on her head, long silver hair, and a black-like skirt with long sleeves with a blue star on it, long black and white stripe socks, and black boots. For Raven was working hard until her boss calls her in for another work to be done at a courtroom on a murder case today.

All:...

Larry: I'd hit it.

Mia: Harry!

Larry: Hey, she's legal and not dead!

Phoenix: Keep it classy, Larry.

Maya: So she has one blue eye, and one headphone...Nick, do you think you can listen to music via your eyes?

Phoenix: It wouldn't be the strangest thing we've seen during our many times here.

Larry: So, I'm not that used to reading, but it sounds like her skirt has long sleeves with a star on it.

Maya: A "black-like" skirt, no less! Not a black skirt, but a black-like one!

Mia: I must remember to ask this Revan where she buys her clothes, that skirt sounds exotic to me.

Phoenix: Apparently, the "people" love her. Is she running for office or something?

Larry: She's got my vote, if you know what I mean!

Maya: And she's being abused by her boss...maybe she can score sympathy points during the election! You know, like Nick does with the Judge whenever he's fumbling in court!

Mia: Phoenix, explain.

Phoenix: Ha-ha-haah...oh look, the fic's continuing!

Bobby: Raven!

Raven sighs, hating her boss and couldn't press charges she had no choice but to work a lot without stopping as Bobby comes in the big office room to talk to his co-workers.

Mia: I'd just like to point out that if her boss is actually abusing her, she'd be able to press charges quite easily. Abusing someone in a big complex as described in the story would be impossible to do without anyone being aware of it.

Raven: (Great. Not him again...) Yes, Sir?

Bobby: I got another scoop for you.

Bobby hands Raven a huge folder filled with what happen to someone being murder a few days ago.

Maya: I hate being turned into a murder. I'm just minding my own business as a human and then BAM, I become a murder.

Raven: What is this?

Bobby: Another story for you to do for me, a murder case of one man accuse for or so they say being a murderer or not. Larry Butz is his name for his girl friend Cindy Stone was killed with a powerful hit to the head with a heavy object.

Larry: *Waaaaah* Nick! She was THE ONE! The ONE I TELL YA!

Phoenix: There there Larry, there'll be more ones in your life, I promise you.

Larry: Oh, Mia, my heart feels so heavy, and only you can ease its burden!

Mia: Still in the body of an eight-year-old, Harry.

Larry: An eight-year-old with an awesome rack!

*Slap*

Raven sees knowing she's typing that all down secretly and fast underneath her desk from Bobby.

Maya: She's typing secretly under the desk? Her boss doesn't see her tapping away at the keyboard?

Larry: Maybe he's blind?

Phoenix: Maybe there's no rhyme or reason to anything going on in this story.

Mia: Why would she "secretly type" what her boss said when he's just about to hand her a "huge folder"?

Raven: I see.

Bobby: What's wrong? I thought you love doing murder mysterious, it's your thing. As if you'll be a detective yourself.

Mia: This is tricky. He COULD be mocking her by saying "as if you'll be a detective yourself". However, it doesn't really fit well together with the rest of the sentence, and I'm inclined to believe the author meant to say "since you'll be a detective yourself [someday]".

Phoenix: You know, he seems like a pretty okay guy so far. He hands her a case based on her preferences and hoping she'd like it. If it's such a big newspaper then it's fairly impressive of him to know his employees on a personal level like this.

Maya: Nick, I never thought I'd be the one to tell you not to get your hopes up. I'm sure he's tried to rape her before, or killed her entire family or something along those lines.

Phoenix: Point taken.

Raven: I never said it wasn't.

Bobby slams his hands on the desk shaking Raven up a bit.

Bobby: What? So you won't do it!?

Raven got scared and grabs the flies to take with her.

Larry: Flies? As in the insect? Man, I don't get books; no wonder Edgey is frowning all the time.

Raven: Okay! I'll do it! I'll get your story!

Mia: It sounded to me like they already had the story. Come to think of it, it sounded like they knew even more than the police, what with speculating Harry Butz's innocence so casually. If they're just going to report the outcome of the trial, then why did her boss get so upset at the idea of her not going?

Bobby: Good. I'm not paying you too well for nothing.

Phoenix: And he's even generous with the salaries! If he could just control his temper, this guy sounds like the ideal boss!

Mia: *Cough cough*.

Phoenix: Oh, I mean...Look, the plot is moving forward!

Larry: What plot?

Raven: (You never pay me me much as you treat me like crap at all.)

Maya: "How DARE you give me assignments you think I'll enjoy?!"

Raven leaves the room to do her job.

Raven: I'm out.

Phoenix: Yes, hello, the name's Phoenix Wright and I'm calling you from the Department of Redundancy Department.

Bobby: Have fun! And pay attention to one attorney, I heard he was new but seeing how well he can be! Remember that!

Larry: I didn't understand a word of what you just said but sure, I'll keep it in mind!

Some people felt sorry for poor Revan to put up with Bobby like that. As she leaves the place to give out her scoop as well as solving the case by helping one attorney lawyer defending the man, how badly does he need help though? Raven had to see it for herself for this courtroom on a murder case will be a very special one to happen. Having everything and names to know two attorneys the prosecutor name Winston Payne and the defense was Phoenix Wright was the man she needed to report her story and so much more to come...

All:...

Maya: What.

Mia: Well, to my understanding, a journalist without any connection to the case is sent to assist Phoenix because her boss thinks Harry might be innocent.

Larry: I guess that boss has good instincts; I was innocent!

Phoenix: I know me and Maya have gone through a few crazy cases over the years but why would I let a complete stranger - a journalist stranger might I add - help me with the case? Moreover, Chief's alive!

Maya: Well, you let me help you after you freed me.

Phoenix: That's different, we're partners!

Maya: Did...did you just say the P word?

Phoenix: Partner? Yeah I did.

Maya: *Tearing up a bit* Oh, Nick!

Larry: You're one smooth dude, dude!

Phoenix: Wait, what just happened?

Mia: Absolutely nothing, that's what.

(The fic now copies the entire beginning of case 1, and I feel like just repeating that wouldn't be as fun, so I'll make a cut here and jump to the point where Revan decides to distort the plot)

Raven runs right into Phoenix without looking knocking all of her paper and his to gather back up.

(This happens DIRECTLY after Phoenix's inner monologue where he explains how he knows Larry. There's nothing inbetween)

Maya: Oh no, Nick, your one piece of paper flew up in the air! How will you be able to prove your client innocent without it?!

Raven: Crap! I'm so sorry about that! Didn't see where I was going!

Raven sees the picture of Phoenix on her paper to look at him as he looks at her, his heart went crazy compare to staring so deeply, not to mention being so speechless as well.

Phoenix: Wow...

Phoenix. Oh, it's one of THOSE fics.

Mia: What do you mean?

Phoenix: You'll see.

Raven: So you're the new defense attorney I had to interview with, Phoenix Wright's your name?

Phoenix just kept looking at Raven.

Phoenix: I know this is very popular in fiction and all, but does this EVER happen in real life?

Mia: *Points at Larry, who's "discreetly" looking at her breasts.

Phoenix: Larry doesn't count.

Phoenix: She's...She's so cute...

Raven starts to feel weird just seeing Phoenix like that.

Maya: Nick, you stupid old pervert, of course she feels weird!

Phoenix: Maya, that's not me!

Mia: Yes it is.

Phoenix: Huh?

Mia: Oh, nothing, just remembering our first days together at the office.

Phoenix: O-OBJECTION!

Mia: Overruled.

Raven: Ah...are you okay?

Mia goes up to Phoenix to get the rest of the papers for Phoenix and snapping him out of it.

Mia: Wright! Let's go! Its time!

Phoenix: Okay! Chief! Let's! Do! This!

Maya: Hey, this is pretty in-character! You sounded exactly like that when you told me to clean my room when we were kids!

Mia: Who puts a bowl of cereal on her bed and leaves it there for two days?

Maya: Hey, no need to dig up the past!

Larry rushes inside with the cops following too in keeping their eyes on him.

Phoenix: Larry's that eager to enter the courtroom that the police barely manages to keep protocol? Edgeworth would be having a field day if he were here...

Butz: Wait for me!

Mia knows Phoenix will do well, as she sees Raven on queue surprisingly.

Mia: Raven? I'm glad you came.

Raven knows a lot from Mia Fey herself being the best female lawyer.

Maya: And the best "female lawyer" apparently knows a hacker detective journalist with one eye and black-like skirt-sleeves.

Mia: I don't understand what my gender has to do with anything. Is this fic implying women are inferior lawyers?

Phoenix: Chief, I highly doubt a fic like this is going to bring up valid points regarding gender roles and stereotypes, just let this one slide.

Mia: *Hmpf*

Raven: Oh, Mia. Hi! Sorry I'm late.

Mia: No problem, MISS STRIDES.

Larry: Oh yeah, courtroom manners. Those were a bummer.

Mia: Oh, no, you made it in time. I need your help to get Wright to win his first case for all the training I did. I need your help as well on your detective skills.

Mia: No, I really don't, and I don't need any unauthorized detective skills in the courtroom. And why would I abandon Phoenix all of a sudden? The story implicitly states that I've been training him!

Maya: Deep breaths, Sis, deep breaths.

Mia: Don't worry, I'm calm, I'm just perplexed. And I don't quite agree with the portrayal of me.

Phoenix: Oh, believe me, you got off easy.

Raven: You do?

Mia: You study on the case, right?

Raven: I did but why me?

Phoenix: Because you're a special little snowflake and we're destined to be together forever and ever.

Larry: He-hey, Nick! I knew you were into chicks! Looks like Franzy owes me 10 bucks.

Phoenix: Wait, what?

Mia grabs Raven's arm as they head in the other room.

Mia: Look, Raven, it'll be fine. You two will do well working together. And...I think he likes you.

Phoenix: We just met! I didn't even say anything, I just stood there and stared at her as if she were a piece of meat!

Maya: Maybe the plot twist of the fic is that subconsciously you're Larry. Oh! "Defense Lawyer Phoenix Wright III: Identity Unknown!"

Phoenix: *Massaging temples*

Larry: *Shrugs* Worked in Twilight.

*Everyone stares at Larry*

Larry: What? A chick made me watch it!

Raven points to herself after hearing the word 'like' for Phoenix likes her that she barely knows him.

Raven: The new guy Phoenix likes me...? Huh?

Raven talks in her head next...

Raven: Okay, I know my stupid boss wants me to do this, but of all people Mia Fey had to set this whole thing up. Just for me to help out a newbie like him? This sounded serious.

Phoenix: It is serious, we're letting an unqualified hacker journalist have a say in whether or not a man is guilty of homicide.

Maya: Hey, that sounded like something Mr. Edgeworth would say!

Mia: Why does this 23-year-old hacker journalist have to help out Phoenix if I'm there? And how would she do that?

Larry: More importantly, can fic!me score with her?

Maya: Nah, she's got a thing for ol' Nick. Before you know it she'll also be the one who protects Sis from dying, too.

Mia: I could live with that!

Mia and Maya: *High five*

Speakers: The management proposes a break due to the unexpected length of the fic. Bob has to go home and make dinner for his family. We'll pick you up when we're ready to continue sporking the fic.

Phoenix: Oh joy of joys, a break!

Larry: So how about grabbing something to eat? Seriously, if this is what Edgey gets exposed to on a regular basis it's no wonder he's such a stick in the mud all the time.

Maya: Believe it or not but there have been a few stories where he's been able to relax and make fun of us.

Larry: Yeah? I'd love to hear more about that...maybe over some drinks, Mia?

Pearl: I want some juice, Mr. Larry!

Larry: GAH! Holy shit!

Phoenix: Looks like you're paying for once, Larry. You're not gonna let Pearls sit through another sporking on an empty stomach, are you?

Larry: *Whimper*

(So yeah, that was...something. It took a lot longer since I can't copy paste the fic directly. Now I have to go cook dinner. I may continue the fic later, but I think we all got an idea of what's in store. Please tell me what you thought of it!)

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 4:09 pm

Huh, I was actually doing it, but I'd give it a Dahlia, myself.

Spoiler:

In the end, I got a little bit confused and thought she was an actual detective though.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 6:03 pm

@Thane: Bravo, bravo! I cracked up at just about everything Larry and Mia said. Great Sporking!

@Nearavex: You did alright but there were a few grammatical problems. Are you going to be letting Thane take over the fic, or...?

We really need to get things clear as to who's sporking what fic so that we don't get more mix-ups like we've been having lately.

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 6:07 pm

Yeah, I'll actually let Thane do this one, just submitted what I had already.

This fic beats me and something about it makes it more painful to read than say, the previous two creepy fics - most likely, because as creepy/unappropriate/out-of-character these were, they at least weren't as horribly boring, didn't have such Sues and you could at least make sense of what's happening.

Can you point out grammatical errors though? I'm not a native speaker, so I have few troubles sometimes

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 6:53 pm

Bah, that's nothing compared to the fic I did. Stalker!Larry ftw.

@Thane Is this your first sporking? It's not bad, I say, but the way Larry is characterized does make me cringe at times. Glad to see Mia again after a while, since she's not been doing anything.

One more thing, though. At this point in the history of the theater, all these characters are very familiar with how bad fics can get, and I ended up with the impression that they felt just a little out of place. I can't find the exact way to describe it, but it's just a minor issue imo. Don't mind me.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 7:19 pm

@Nearavex: Your grammer wasn't that bad, just a few minor things here and there. Pretty good considering English isn't your first language, actually.

Spoiler: Some minor criticisms

Phoenix: You seem still bothered by something.

This is grammatically correct, but sounds a bit unnatural. "You still seem bothered by something" would work better.

That, and I read a little bit of the script, but something's wrong with it. The script is that of our first game.

Another instance of kind of weird phrasing. "That, and I read a little bit of the script. Something's wrong with it." would flow better, although it doesn't necessarily have to be separate sentences - the "but" just doesn't fit.
(By the way, I liked "infridgement".)

Edgeworth: ...... *stands up and turns over, facing the exit*

Maya: Mr. Edgeworth, don't leave us yet!

Edgeworth: ...... *sits back*

Edgeworth's action tags here are a bit odd. The word you're looking for instead of "turns over" is "turns around", and instead of "sits back" it should be "sits back down".

Edgeworth: We all see where it's coming.

"Going" would probably work better than "coming" here, although you could also say "coming from". (The former makes more sense than the latter, though.)

Edgeworth: And I already know it's the worst fic I ever read.

Missing verb. "The worst fic I have ever read." (Also, that line in general just seems a little out of place, unless Edgeworth's just being pointlessly bitter. There have been much worse things that he's had to spork than a boring Mary Sue canon rip-off.)

Phoenix: I honestly hope that author by "nice" doesn't mean "positive".

I'm pretty sure this is grammatically correct (or would be if it had commas) but again, it sounds unnatural. "I honestly hope that by 'nice', the author doesn't mean 'positive'."

Phoenix: Special laptop, who loves to hack, type and report things.

This is fine, but it might work better if you had an article: "A special laptop, who loves..."

Edgeworth: For the record, wounded head is going to bleed no matter the cause of death.

Another missing article. "For the record, a wounded head." And a comma after "bleed" would be appreciated by some, but it isn't entirely necessary (conversational writing can usually get away with things like sentence fragments and missing commas).

Phoenix: That's less satisfactory on text, especially if written that way, Maya.

Another instance of it's fine but it sounds a bit odd. It might work better if you said "less than satisfactory" and placed some sort of emphasis on "that".

Edgeworth: Abusive boss forces you to do your work. Horrible. How does he dare.

Missing article. It would work better as "an abusive boss" or "the abusive boss". Also, "how does he dare" sounds a bit strange, but since it's Edgeworth saying it, it's not all that bothersome. (For anyone else, "how dare he" would work better.)

Phoenix: Since when looking for scoops is detective's work?

Missing verb, and by missing, I mean it shifted down the sentence and kicked out the article. "Since when is looking for scoops a detective's work?" Also, "job" would sound better than "work" here (but if it had been Edgeworth saying this line, it would have been fine).

That's all, though. Again, good job.

Edit:

Pessimistic_Fool wrote:As bad as Klavier's German may be, I think he would know how to pronounce/spell "nein". ;) And "Fräu"? Was he trying to say Fräulein and swallowed the second half?

Whoops. Revealed the fact that I can't spell in German. ~~Not that my spelling in English is fantabulous or anything.~~ Also, I'm pretty sure the only place where I used Fräu was in reference to a married woman, right? That's how Fräu is supposed to be used, isn't it...? (Dang it, my German is even worse than Klavier's. I take French, okay?)

Nearavex · Post by **Nearavex** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:29 pm

Strange. I must have rushed it, because these mistakes are of the kind I wouldn't usually make.

Well, aside from "a"s/"an"s. These often just fly over my head.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:34 pm

*shrug* As I said, those were the only mistakes I found.

By the way, who was it that recommended punishing Edgeworth for his behavior during Law Plus Chaos? Because I found the perfect fic... however, it's ten chapters long (much shorter chapters than LPC, mind you, and roughly half of it would be cut out anyway. I could probably do it in two parts). But it's perfect. Who wants me to go for it, and who wants me to just shut up?

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:38 pm

Which fic is this, so we can decide who's going to spork it?

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:42 pm

This one. As I said, about half of it would get cut out. And I call dibs on it. ~~Also one of these days I need to go find some badfics that aren't incredibly disturbing on many levels.~~ There's also an in-progress sequel that equally as disturbing, but it's, you know, in-progress.

Edit: Disclaimer: I've only read up to chapter four, though. It could be that it gets better after a certain point.

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:58 pm

I've just given all 10 chapters a very quick glance over, and I don't think it gets that much better; more smutty at times. In any case, go ahead. I'm curious to see what more torture you could plant upon our hapless spork bitch... and uh, Nick, I guess. Should Gumshoe make a reappearance? He's in the fic too.

Hopefully, I won't be distracted by much today so I can get something posted in here finally.

@Pessimistic I'd like to see what you've gotten down so far on "Word of the Day", actually, but I'll read it after I'm finished with my first part.

Pessimistic_Fool · Post by **Pessimistic_Fool** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 9:20 pm

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote: @Pessimistic I'd like to see what you've gotten down so far on "Word of the Day", actually, but I'll read it after I'm finished with my first part.

I didn't get that far, only a couple sentences in, in fact. the last usable bit was after "His index finger tapping impatiently against his arm".
Should I send it to you via pm?

Also, could we perhaps make a collective post to see who is working on what?

For a start, I am still working on "Following the Law" as well as "phoenix wright - evil continues". Unless the latter was also pre-claimed by someone else. Could everyone repost and add their own current projects?