Cause of death is being dummy
Gender: Female
Location: Metropolitan Atlanta
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm
Posts: 812
Three days, no posts? Not while I'm around. Let's do something stupid.
This fic is, being from the kink meme, anonymous, although its title is listed as "Prince of All Prosecutors". I'm going to give this
because quite frankly, it's amazing. (It's also rated G. What? Airey doing a G-rated fic? It's more likely than you think!)
(Psst. I recommend you listen to
this while reading my sporking.)
(Also here is a
picture of the King of All Cosmos in case you're unfamiliar with Katamari since I keep making jokes about his TIGHT PANTS.)
Today's sporkers are...
Miles Edgeworth! "The kink meme is never a good sign..."
Phoenix Wright! "This isn't my punishment sporking, is it? I just want to get it over with, the waiting is killing me..."
and...
Maya Fey! "You two are soooo pessimistic."
[We open up in our sporking theatre, where are sporkers are already seated. A tune from a certain video game is being played over the speakers.]Speakers:
Na naaaa na na na na na na na na katamari damacyyyy...Maya: *singing along* Don't worry, do your best! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na! Picnic kibun, feel so good! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!
Phoenix: Maya, please...
Maya: Suteki na afternoon! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na! Furachi na midnight yeah! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!
Edgeworth: Maya.
Maya: Katamete korogasu I love you, itsudemo smile for you, kimi dake ni love moon hey so! Ganbaranakucha~
Phoenix: Maya, that's enough.
Maya: Compression~ compressioooooooooon~!
Edgeworth: Let's just start the fic without her.
Phoenix: I guess.
[The lights dim, and the fic begins. The Management's helpful accompaniment dims slightly, but doesn't stop entirely.]Quote:
Having no recollection of his current location, or his entire existence, for that matter, the creature wandered around the glum planet aimlessly. This world seemed strange... somehow wrong, and possibly going against the laws of physics. Not that the creature knew what those were. There was only itself, the ground beneath, and all the cosmos above, and the creature briefly wondered if its existence was a solitary one, until--
Edgeworth: At least the writing appears to be competent. That is a good example of scene-setting, although I have no idea where this is going.
Phoenix: *gestures towards speakers* Don't you ever play video games?
Edgeworth: *gestures towards Maya, who is still singing along* Is there a reason why I should?
Quote:
The ground shook, sending the poor creature off his feet instantly. The sky above turned even blacker, if at all possible, illuminating the enormous silhouette of what it could only describe as a monster. Now, having only existed for a matter of minutes, it's no surprise that the earthquake, blackout and appearance of the monster frightened whatever life was in the poor creature. It curled into a ball by sheer instinct, willing it all to go away. To its dismay, no such thing happened. Instead, the gigantic being spoke.
“GREETINGS, PRINCE,” its booming voice asserted, “YOU LOOK PUNY, INSIGNIFICANT AND IMPERFECT AS EVER.”
Phoenix: *stares at screen agape* Wait,that's gotta be... is it saying that
Manfred von Karma is the King of all Cosmos?
Maya: Not with those pants, I hope.
Phoenix: I guess we can add that to a list of things I never wanted to see.
Edgeworth: ...?
Quote:
Prince, huh? The creature then deduced it was safe to assume it was male, according to this title. That was the rational part of his mind thinking, of course, which was mostly overshadowed by all the other parts screaming “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?” in regards to the highly disturbing presence in front of him.
Edgeworth: I see the creature is familiar with the general mentality of the sporking theatre.
Quote:
“No... It was indeed not a dream,” it continued with a scowl, “We really did it. The King of All Prosecutors has really done it. A courtroom full of evidence, witnesses and attorneys... We broke it. Did you see? The defense attorneys in all their splendor, objecting and testifying and presenting their perfect evidence. So many there attorneys used to be, almost a nuisance. Now there's nothing but the judge, and prosecutors. Hee... 'Tis but a dream... Hee... But a perfect one.”
Edgeworth: ...what?
Maya: Should we explain, Nick?
Phoenix: Nah.
Maya: - na na na na na na na na na na na na na na naaaaa...
Phoenix: You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Quote:
The creature stared at what was apparently the King of All Prosecutors. Did he just say he broke the court system? No witnesses, no defense attorneys, no evidence? But who would defend the innocent? How would they prove anything? The creature felt a strange attraction to the fairness of the court system, and wanted to fix everything right away! In his determination, he didn't even realize that the earthquake had stopped.
“But you see, the King of All Police, he will not have it. He says We must fix this, We must put everything back the way it was. Otherwise the cosmos shall flood, and we will be swimming for all eternity.”
Maya: Do you think the King of All Police is dressed similarly to the King of All Co- Prosecutors?
Phoenix: I hope not. I've seen way too much Gant lately as it is.
Edgeworth: I second that, even if I'm not sure what you two are implying.
Quote:
Oh, good, thought the prince, he will fix everything... wait, swimming? What?
Phoenix: Yeah, I don't think I want to see Gant fixing anything...
Maya: Not even if he's an inch tall and just rolling around the katamari?
Phoenix: I'm pretty sure that would backfire somehow.
Quote:
“But We are far too busy and perfect for such a mediocre job,” the King mused, “so We will have the prince do it for us.”
Suddenly, the prince felt the atmosphere around him change. Rather, there was an atmosphere now, and he appeared to be on a completely different planet. There were odd objects all around, and in front of him, a small golden badge, about as big as himself. The prince looked around in confusion, awaiting instruction.
Edgeworth: ...
Maya: Confused, Mr. Edgeworth?
Edgeworth: Extremely.
Quote:
“This is planet Earth, prince,” the angry voice explained, “here you must roll up and collect a defense attorney, then the Court of All Cosmos shall be somewhat more complete. Roll that defense attorney's badge, and collect as many cravats as you can until the Cravatamari is big enough to roll up a defense attorney for the Court of the Cosmos!”
Edgeworth: ...cravats?
Phoenix: As if we needed more proof that Edgeworth was the prince.
Maya: Yeah, but Nick! Tiny Mr. Edgeworth!
Edgeworth: Excuse me?
Quote:
The prince shook his head obediently, willing the enormous entity to just go away, as his presence was highly disturbing.
Phoenix: No kidding.
Maya: If the katamari isn't big enough, do you think the King of All Prosecutors sends the prince back, or just tazes him?
Edgeworth: ...
Phoenix: Who's cultured
now, Edgeworth?
Edgeworth: The one who doesn't seem to have ungodly amounts of free time on his hands, that's who.
Quote:
Giving the badge a slight push, he realized it wasn't as heavy as it looked, and proceeded to roll up small miscellaneous objects, in the process realizing where he was.
This must be a courtroom, the prince thought, there is lots of evidence to collect. Now where are the cravats? Using the process of logical thought, the prince determined that prosecutors wore cravats, as the king sported a massive one with a jewel in the middle, and he himself had a small, plain one as well. He then headed toward the room labeled “Prosecutor Lobby,” where he found an abundance of the frilly neckwear.
Edgeworth: *stares a screen in confusion*
Phoenix & Maya: *quietly laughing to themselves*
Edgeworth: I expect one of you to explain this game to me later.
Maya: It's better to just play it yourself. Ooh, I know! Katmari party at Edgeworth's! Nick, you know how to get into his house, don't you?
Edgeworth: What?
Quote:
Having seen and collected enough cravats to last him a lifetime, the prince assumed it was safe to seek a defense attorney, collect it, and leave this place. He headed toward the Defense Lobby, and spotted a somewhat familiar-looking creature, mostly blue, with the strangest spiked hairstyle.
Phoenix: Oh look, it's me.
Maya: Oh no! You're going to get rolled up into the katamari!
Phoenix: ...I've never really considered before how painful that would be.
Maya: Maybe the von Karma of All Cosmos will taze the
katamari...
Quote:
“Na naaaaaa na na na na na...” the odd creature was singing a strangely familiar tune, ignoring the prince.
Maya: *starts singing again* Heart-warming mejiro oshi~! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na! Hitare etsu, say goodbye!
Kay: Bye-bye!
Phoenix: Gah!
Edgeworth: Kay, must you get every set of guards fired?
Kay: Hey, if they fire all of their guards, you can escape the theatre, right?
Edgeworth: ...good point.
Speakers:
The Management would like to remind Miles Edgeworth and Kay Faraday that plotting against us is strictly forbidden.Maya: Hey, don't talk over the music!!
Quote:
It seemed rather dull-witted,
Phoenix: Oh, come on!
Edgeworth: At least something in this fic makes sense.
Quote:
It seemed rather dull-witted, and not something the King would likely enjoy. Well, no matter if it's not perfect, a defense attorney is a defense attorney, thought the prince. He headed towards it, yet stopped in his tracks when he got close enough.
Or rather, he was forcibly stopped in his tracks, as he collided with the blue, spiky-headed lawyer. Oh no! The Cravatamari is not big enough!
All except Edgeworth: *giggle at "cravatamari"*
Edgeworth: *stares at screen in confusion, slightly offended*
Quote:
The prince realized his oversight too late, as the King's booming voice filled the room.
“THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT,” the voice screeched, “AND IT IS OUR FAULT FOR BELIEVING IN YOU!” The prince shook from head to toe, fearing the enormous King's wrath. “NOW OUR PERFECT RECORD IS RUINED, AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“I'm sorry!” cried the prince, “I'm sorry, it's my fault the Court of the Cosmos is still incomplete, it's all my fault! I--”
Suddenly, the defense attorney finally turned his attention to the prince, and began nudging at him, muttering something.
Edgeworth: ...Maya, you described the prince character as being only about an inch tall, didn't you?
Kay: Well, this came from the kink meme, right? Maybe this is where it takes a turn for the vore.
Phoenix: Takes a turn for the what?
Kay: What?
Maya: It's almost over, though...
Quote:
“Miles...”
Edgeworth: Oh, look. First names.
Phoenix: Somehow I doubt that's Franziska.
Quote:
But the presence of the King was not to be ignored, howling madly and nearly foaming at the mouth. Death was sure to follow...
Miles!
Miles Edgeworth awoke with a start, full of panic and confusion. Next to him sat an equally confused Phoenix Wright, who had one hand on Edgeworth's shoulder.
Kay: "A dream?! Is this an 'it was all a dream' ending?! I'M SO GLAD IT WAS THAT KIND OF ENDING-!"
Edgeworth: Kay, if you're going to shout references to something, you could at least make it something we all understand.
Kay: It's not my fault you're lame.
Quote:
“Miles, are you all right? There was an earthquake but you seemed fine until you started muttering in your sleep and...”
Noticing the Playstation controller near Phoenix and the paused game on the television screen, Miles quickly determined the cause of his nightmare and scowled. First thing tomorrow, the television would go back to the living room, permanently.
Phoenix: ...and it ends up being my fault.
Maya: Why am I not surprised?
Kay: At least it didn't randomly turn into slash at the end. Except that it did.
Edgeworth: And that, I think, is the least surprising thing of all.
[The lights come back on, and the music finally stops.]Phoenix: ...so who else thinks that a kink meme fic all of a sudden is a bad sign?
Maya: What's the worst that could happen?
Edgeworth: Aren't you scheduled for a punishment sporking again, Wright?
Phoenix: At this point, I think the suspense is going to be even worse than whatever they throw at me...
Kay: And with the kink meme, I'm sure there's a lot they can throw at you!
Phoenix: Thanks, Kay. You make me feel so much better.
Maya: And that's why I'm Nick's assistant, not you.
Edgeworth: Can we just go already?
[And so our sporkers again leave. They have no idea how right they are about the kink meme. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.]Phoenix: I heard that!
Speakers:
How many times do we have to tell you not to comment on the descriptive narration?! The sporking's over, go home!Phoenix: *makes "I'm watching you" gesture, then leaves proper*