Cause of death is being dummy
Gender: Female
Location: Metropolitan Atlanta
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:23 pm
Posts: 812
A new sporking for the new year! A collaboration between myself and Rubia
-senpai!
This fic is called
Ace Attorney: Truth Remains by Mr. Demon Lawyer.
We're giving it
There are plenty of typos and grammar problems, but the mystery element is presented clearly. It has a rather crude writing style that makes the narrative feel clunky, and sometimes the flow of the story is clogged. Also, the author should use discretion with proper spacing.
Today's sporkers are....
Kay Faraday! "It's New Year's, or close enough anyway, so I can afford to be generous to the Management."
Maya Fey! "Still no snacks? Was the Management's New Year's resolution to be extra stingy?"
Athena Cykes! "Not a bad rating this time. Bring it!"
aaaaaaaaand...
Simon Blackquill and Taka! "Does Taka not deserve his own introduction? Hmph."
"(;¬_¬)"
[
We open up in our sporking theatre - a normal one, for once. Maya Fey and Kay Faraday are already seated, and are deep in conversation.]
Kay: ...and then once that's done, the next thing we should do is-
Maya: Shhh! That was the descriptive narration just now!
Kay: Oh, right! *looks around theatre suspiciously* Where is everyone else?
Speakers:
...? What were you two talking about?Maya: Hey, so the Management really can't hear what's going on in here before the sporking starts! *high-fives Kay*
[
The other sporkers (Athena, Blackquill, and associated bird) enter. They take their seats.]
Speakers:
What were you two talking about? We demand to know!Kay: Like we would tell you!
Maya: Yeah, it's top-secret!
Athena: What's going on here?
Blackquill: Perhaps some devious plot against those unrelenting eyes beyond the speakers?
Maya: No.
Kay: Yes.
Speakers:
...!!Kay: I'm kidding! Probably.
[
The Management grumbles, and dims the lights so the fic can begin.]
Quote:
It was a dark and stormy night.
Athena: Suddenly, a shot rang out!
Quote:
A woman walked fast through a graveyard.
Blackquill: ...A lone woman hurrying across burial grounds on a "dark and stormy night"? It seems we have a murderer determined.
Athena: Um... the fic's just started, Simon. How can you say she's the murderer?
Blackquill: Mood may tell more than words can express... as how a meek shrew lives in constant fear of the skies.
Taka: (✧v✧)
Athena: (...Wow, that bird's eying the screen like it's going to pounce anytime soon.)
Quote:
"Dearie! Dearie! Where have you gone?" She yelled. "Oh, there you are."
Suddenly, a hand popped out of the ground.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek"
Kay: Hey, where's the punctuation? It could end with anything.
Maya: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek?
Athena: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
Maya: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek...
Taka: (-‸ლ)
Blackquill: What is this, a mimicking contest for rusted hinges? I've heard plenty enough from my cell.
All else: ...
Quote:
Then, a deep voice could be heard: "Rest in peace."
Speakers:
...give us a hint. Whatever you were planning - will it involve that somehow?Maya: Yes.
Kay: No.
Athena: Maybe. *winks at Maya and Kay*
Speakers:
So you're all in on it...Blackquill: I refuse to be privy to this foolishness.
Quote:
February 13, 9:55 AM
District Court- Defendant Lobby No.3
POV: Athena Cykes.
Blackquill: A good author would describe a point of view, not declare one...
Maya: If it were a good author, we wouldn't be here.
Quote:
A yellow suited girl walked nervously around the room. Why is he not here yet? The trial is about to start. Is not like him being late.
"Is something wrong, miss?" A deep voice said. The girl turned to see a big man with long,raven hair and stubble on his face.
Maya: Ugh, did Nick go hobo again?
Quote:
He wore an open black overcoat over a dark brown jacket, grey suit pants, black boots and a black hat. He was pushing down his hat, which covered his eyes.
Athena: If he did, he got a heck of a lot cooler!
Kay: Meh. Too many neutral tones.
Maya: What, you want him dressed in some weird pinkish-red color like Mr. Edgeworth?
Kay: Speaking of Mr. Edgeworth... I thought him and Mr. Wright were going to be here today.
Speakers:
It seems certain negotiations with our investors went a little sour toward the end, and sadly, we must cut back on plans for extra facilities. It's only fair that we offer a compromise of sorts.Maya: ...and what have you done with him?
Speakers:
We'll tell you if you tell us what you and Kay Faraday... and apparently Athena Cykes... have planned.Athena: No way! You'll ruin everything!
Quote:
"Mr Stone!" She replied. " Have you seen Apollo?"
"The loud mister from yesterday?" His voice was very deep and he spoke slowly.
Maya: Oh, false alarm. It was the defendant OC.
Athena: Honestly, I'm a little disappointed.
Quote:
"Yes, he usually comes before me, but he's not here yet."
"Theres is no need to worry. A morning with a soft breeze and a cloudy sky with some sunny spells. It's a good time for the last breath. He will surely rest in peace."
"What? No, he's not dead." Ok, I'd better call him. She reached into her pocket, looking for her phone, but she found nothing. Shoot. I forgot it again.
Athena: Hey! There's no way I would just forget my phone like that!
Maya: Well, this doesn't look good. She's alone with a suspect who assumes people are dead, and she doesn't have a phone...
Kay: Not to mention, he looks like he could hide a weapon in that coat...
Blackquill: Or perhaps he isn't merely assuming...
Taka: (`ワ´)
Athena: C-cut it out, guys. It started off weird, so you don't have to make it worse...
Blackquill: I disagree. It would be far more entertaining if so.
Athena: ...For the record, we're talking about Apollo, not me, right?
Quote:
"We have a special discount on coffins today: two for one. But someone else would have to join your friend in his last journey. Are you feeling healthy today, miss?"
"I'm not dying, Mr. Stone!"
"What a shame."
Maya: This guy's such a creep...
Kay: It kinda makes me wonder what he's doing with those dead bodies.
Athena: ...only burying them, I hope. Unless he's a coroner or something...?
Blackquill: He's making them. There's no other reason why a man must stand trial.
Athena: Just because he's on trial doesn't make him a murderer...
Blackquill: *smirk* ...Words of a desperate lawyer.
Widget: (`へ´) Who asked you!
Taka: (⌐_⌐メ)
Quote:
My name is Athena Cykes and I'm a rookie defense attorney. This man here is my client. He's been accused of murder. He's kind of creepy, probably the reason why nobody else wants to defend him.
Athena: A-am I that desperate for a client?
Maya: You work for Nick, don't you?
Quote:
But it's the job of a lawyer to look out for the people who have no one on their side. That's what my boss always says. And I know from experience how huge the difference between being alone and having people supporting you can be. That's why I took his case.
Maya: Wow, just like how Nick used to do... before he went hobo and shady and all, of course.
Athena: At least he went un-hobo and not-shady! Eventually.
Kay: Yeah, it only took him, what, seven years?
Blackquill: Eight years.
Athena: Still.
Quote:
My co-worker, Apollo Justice, was supposed to be here as my co-counsel, but he's nowhere to be found. That doesn't mean he's dead. I think. I hope.
Athena: Hey! I wouldn't ever think he'd be dead, even if he was attacked!
Maya: What, does he have Nick's magical not-dying abilities?
Athena: Well, he did survive a pretty nasty blow to the head!
Kay: ...is that sort of thing a requirement for being a defense attorney?
Maya: I kind of wish it were...
Athena, Kay: ... *look around awkwardly*
Quote:
"Athena, are you crying?" A young girl dressed in a magician outfit approached her.
"Trucy! What are you doing here?"
"It's for Polly. He's at the graveyard." Oh, no. So it was true. Athena hugged Trucy.
Athena: H-huh!?
Maya: Wow, poor Apollo.
Kay: He'll be missed.
Blackquill: ...Cut down in his prime, and not a sign to be seen.
Taka: (-_- )三( -_-)
Athena: ...Wait. There really isn't any sign of his death, is there?
Quote:
"I'm so sorry." Her sobbing was interrupting her words. "Cry if you need it. I know you too were really close."
"I don't know what are you talking about, but Polly ask me to bring you something."
Maya: Wow, Trucy's such a brat here.
Kay: The real one's way more clever and cuter!
Athena: No objections there!
Quote:
"You mean...like his last will?"
"Still don't know what are you talking about. Polly told me that he woke up early this morning and decided go investigate the crime scene. Apparently you couldn't do it yesterday."
"Yes. The police didn't let us do it." Wait, so he's alive?
Athena: ...So is he, or isn't he!? Get to the point already, author!
Quote:
"Are you okay? You keep crying and crying."
"Apollo is alive!" Widget beeped, glowing green.
"I know. I talked to him earlier. He's been calling you, but you didn't answer the phone, so he called me. He wanted me to tell you that he would like to do some more investigation, so he would be late".
Athena: Hey!! I'm way smarter than that! I wouldn't let that Stone guy make me think Apollo was dead! Gimme a break, author!!
Blackquill: You certainly seemed confused about it just a moment ago.
Athena: That's just because of the poor writing! You gimme a break, too!
Quote:
She stopped to pull out a big book with a brown cover. "He also give me this for you."
Book added to the Court Record
(A huge book. Apollo sent it to me.)
Maya: *imitates tour guide* And if you look to your left, you'll see the Court Record showing up out of nowhere!
Kay: *continues imitating tour guide* And with it, you'll see some evidence, also suddenly appearing out of nowhere!
Athena: *tour guide voice* And if you look to your right, you'll see... nothing! Because there isn't any real description here!
Blackquill: ...
Quote:
"A book? What I'm supposed to do with it?"
"Maybe... read it?"
Maya: Wow, I wouldn't have guessed! If it were me, I would stuff that into one of Nick's drawers and never pull it out again!
Athena: Aren't his drawers already full with books no one will ever read?
Maya: Actually, most of those are on his bookshelves.
Quote:
"But the trial is about to start! I don't have the time to read such a huge book right now!"
"Then...why don't you check it in detail?"
"Check it in detail?"
Kay: Just hit the "Check" button, spin it around, and poke at some places!
Speakers:
The Management would like to request that Kay Faraday refrain from breaking the fourth wall...Athena: Heh heh, soon, you won't be able to make requests like that ever again! *twirls invisible mustache*
Speakers:
!! What are you planning?!Blackquill: ...Athena, you really shouldn't provoke them.
Athena: Eh, what's the worst that could happen?
Maya: You probably shouldn't ask that.
[
And she goes over how to look at things and points out the number on back of her badge.]
Quote:
"That's my ID number. The bailiffs always check it before I can enter the courtroom. That's how they make sure that I'm me and not a phony."
Maya: I guess they started doing that after the whole "cardboard badge" fiasco.
Kay: Doing what?
Maya: Putting numbers on them, of course!
Athena: Huh? But they've been on there for as long as I remember.
Maya: Well, it's true you weren't around yet...
Speakers:
Maya Fey, if you're trying to be funny by breaking the fourth wall again, you're not.Maya: 4th wall? What's this about a 4th wall? *wink*
Kay: Who knows. Looks like the Management has finally snapped.
Athena: Wow, I actually feel sorry for them.
Speakers:
...Don't you dare make us come down there ourselves.All: ...
Quote:
"Really? I don't remember nobody checking Polly's badge in his trials. Or Daddy's, for that matter. Maybe they just don't believe that you are an actual lawyer." Should I be offended, or worried about the lack of proper security? Because I'm offended.
Maya: "Ycurt", shame on you! Don't you know that double negatives don't make a positive?
Kay: Huh? Why-curt?
Maya: No, no, it's "E-curt"! Trucy's evil twin!
Athena: ...You know, that'd actually make more sense.
Quote:
"Well, now's your turn. Check out the book."
"Got it!" Athena said, taking the book to examine it."Let's see. The title is "Court Manners 101". Wait a moment. Is this some kind of innuendo!? Is he making fun of me!?" She threw away the book in anger.
Kay: Innuendo, huh? I wonder what kind of innuendo...
Maya: Well, it is a big, thick book... *snickers*
Athena: And it does need to be examined. *imitates the Hickfield grabby-hands*
Blackquill: ...Or perhaps, there is none.
Athena: Don't be silly, Simon. There's always some strange sex joke.
Blackquill: ...
Quote:
"Woah. Talk about an overreaction."
"Sorry."
Maya: Talk about an underreaction.
Athena: What? Me throwing a book on the ground?
Kay: Nah, the bit about you apologizing for throwing a book on the ground.
Blackquill: ...You ladies have no respect for the printed, do you?
Kay: Everything's digital nowadays.
Quote:
"Hey, look." Trucy pointed to a white card on the floor."That thing dropped from the book."
Athena leaned down to pick it up. It had an horribly drawn Apollo's face and the words "You're fine" written on it. "What the heck?"
Athena: Seriously.
Quote:
"Maybe Polly feels bad for leaving you all alone and this is his way of trying to calm your nerves."
"I'm not nervous!"
"Yes, she is." Widget chirped.
"Shut up, Widget."
Maya: If you don't like your little gadget blurting out your feelings all the time, why don't you just turn it off?
Athena: Because Widget is very helpful and also very important to me! ...that, and I'm not actually sure how to turn him off.
Taka: (*`へ´*) 彡3
Athena: Oh, hush.
Taka: -`д´-
Widget: ヽ(`⌒´メ)ノ
Taka: ▼益▼
Widget: (」゜ロ゜)」
Taka: 凸(`0´)凸
Blackquill: That's enough. Both of you.
Quote:
"Well, I'd better get going." Trucy said."If I'm not back at school soon they will realize that I'm not there."
"You're playing hooky!? That's a no-no! But how did you manage to leave without anyone noticing?"
"Magic." She knocked her head and stuck out her tongue."Goodbye and luck in there." She left the lobby, as happily as she had entered it.
Maya: I knew Ycurt was up to no good! She's totally unlike Trucy!
Kay: That's what makes them "evil" twins, you know.
Athena: Well, this explains why she's not good with grammar.
[
And then court begins...]
Quote:
February 13, 10:00 AM
District Court- Courtroom No.2
"The court is now in session for the trial of Mr. Tom Stone." The judge said, banging his gavel.
Behind the prosecution bench, there was a bald man, although the sides of his hair remained and were grown to his neck. He wore a yellow suit and a red tie, and the light reflected in his glasses.
Meanwhile, at the defense bench, Athena was sweating jets.
Kay: That description makes me imagine Athena shooting streams of sweat out of her pores at high pressure.
Athena: ...ewwww.
Quote:
"Are you okay, Ms Cykes?" The judge asked. "If you keep sweating light that, you're going to dehydrate."
"Yes!" She replied, crossing arms and grinning "I'm fine! And ready! And psyched! And ready!"
"She wants to run out of here." Widget beeped.
"Widget! I'm trying to bluff!"
"It's natural for her to be scared, Your Honor." The prosecutor chimed in. "For she is facing Winston Payne, the older brother of her most feared enemy." Most feared enemy? Well, he certainly creeps me out, but... "She must be living a nightmare right now. You're right to be scared, Ms. Cykes" He flicked his hair. Now that was definitely nightmarish. "I'm like my brother, but hardened by experience." More like worn by age, if you ask me.
Athena: ...creep.
Quote:
"In any case, I would like to ascertain Ms. Cykes' readiness with a small test." the judge said.
What? A test? Now? That's not the standard procedure. Or it is? Great, now I'm blank. What I'm going to do? Wait, I have this book, "Court Manners 101". It has all the basics about the courtroom. If I can't remember something, I always can take a quick peek of it.
Athena: Ooooh... this fic is really getting on my nerves! You think I'd need something like that!? I know how to answer some questions!
Maya: Wait, didn't she toss it away earlier? She only kept the card in it, right?
Kay: Maybe she's waiting for a moment to sprint out of there to fetch it?
Athena: Like I said, I don't need that stupid book! What was Apollo - or rather, Ollopa thinking!?
Maya, Kay: ... *snicker*
Quote:
"First question: Who's the victim in this case?"
Maya: Quick, pick the name of your mentor! Or co-counsel! Or the defendant!
Athena: Heeey!
Kay: Come on, these questions never have any penalties...
May: ...which means you need to pick the silliest option!
Kay: Duh!
Speakers:
...you two think far too much alike.Blackquill: ...As far until ladders are involved.
Athena: Stepladders, Simon.
Taka: (=_=;)
Speakers:
Unless your crazy plan involves (step)ladders, that does not make us feel any better.Athena: Good.
Quote:
The victim? Okay, all the little information I have about the case should be in the court record. "Got it! That's a trick question. The victim in this case hasn't been identified yet"
"And how come that?"
"Well" Athena moved her finger across the holographic screen in front of her. "The body was discovered yesterday at the graveyard, but according to the autopsy report, he died over a week ago. That's way the corpse was too deteriorated to be properly identified." Eeeeww.
Kay: Eeeeww indeed.
Blackquill: This should be trivial for a fellow investigator of Edgeworth-dono's.
Kay: But we've never dealt with a rotten corpse before! Not only is it eeeeww-worthy, Mr. Edgeworth would never take a case with one!
Blackquill: And why is that?
Kay: Don't you know? There's the chance it could have been infected or mutated... and turn into a zombie!
Blackquill: ...Just how did my superior come to associate with the likes of you...?
Kay: It's a long story, buddy.
Quote:
The judge nodded. "You seem ready enough. But there's something I don't understand. If the crime occurred over a week ago but the body wasn't discovered until yesterday, why have the police already a suspect?"
"That's an easy one! They found traces of blood on the gravedigger's shovel, and consequently arrested his owner, the gravedigger, Mr. Tom Stone."
"OBJECTION!" Payne shouted." It's not the job of the prosecution to give the opening statement?"
"That may not be necessary, Mr. Payne." The judge replied. "The defendant seems pretty guilty right now."
Hehehehe. Take that, Payne. Who's running the show now? Wait. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack" Athena flinched in shock.
Athena: Don't look now, Simon, but I think Payne's stealing your shtick.
Blackquill: Not in the least... You can't declare something as "stolen" if the attempt to steal has failed.
Kay: Hmm... words to remember, indeed.
Maya: Hey, we could always try it that way...
Speakers:
...You all are coming to sound more and more suspicious by the minute.Blackquill: Need I repeat myself?
Speakers:
...Fine, the other three are. If you don't stop that this instant, things will turn for the worse...Athena: And how?
Speakers:
You may not be seeing those two lawyers for a while, wherever they may be now. Do you really want to risk that...?Maya: *thumb-up* Oh, in that case, help yourselves!
Kay: *thumb-up* We'll cover the bases here!
Athena: *thumb-up* Count on it!
Speakers:
...These ladies are unusually resilient, all of a sudden.Quote:
"HOLD IT." Everybody was surprised. Stone took the stand. "I have a problem with the defense statement"
"Wait, is the defendant cross-examining the defense!? Should not be the other way around!?"
Maya: Wouldn't be the first time.
Kay: I've lost count how many times.
Athena: In the fics or on the job?
Maya, Kay: Both.
Quote:
"But Miss Cykes has said something awfully wrong." So this is not going that bad, after all. Finally a bit of luck.
Maya: Uh... when is the defendant speaking up against the defense ever a GOOD thing?
Kay: Hmm, but she was pretty much going to fail right there just because she didn't speak up.
Athena: I-it's just the nerves! I'm sure I'll be back to normal once I get into the jig of things!
Blackquill: ...Which is to say, when Wright-dono or Justice-dono come to your rescue once more.
Athena: N-no... that's not it.
Quote:
"She said that "The body was found yesterday at the graveyard."
"And what's wrong with that?"
"Well, Happy Ending Cemetery is not just some dusty graveyard." Everybody stared at him. "We're a proud institution that dates back to the nineteenth century. A sacred place where those who are no longer among us can finally rest in peace, providing all the necessary amenities to ensure a comfortable eternal sleep." I though the eternal sleep was already ensured without any amenities.
Kay: But it's the thought that counts!
Maya: Hmmm... you know, I'm trying to imagine a stuffy nineteenth century guy naming a cemetery "Happy Ending". It's not really working.
Athena: Maybe someone decided to freshen up its image and changed the name.
Maya: ...of a cemetery?
Quote:
"And all at incredible prices and with special discounts every day of the week." Stone handed flyers to everybody.
Maya: Huh? He's actually advertising himself on the stand...?
Athena: Special discounts? For what?
Kay: Hmm... maybe he gives different prices for different ways of death?
Maya: Oh! So would there be a super special discount if say, someone were to die by dropping into icy rapids that'd sweep you away, never to be found again, because the guy tried making it across a burning bridge?
Athena: ...That sounds oddly specific. Did that ever happen?
Maya: Nah, but Nick sure came close to it.
All else: ...
Athena: I can't believe I looked up to him.
Kay: I'm glad I stick with Mr. Edgeworth.
Blackquill: ...Hmph. I've heard more pathetic stories.
Quote:
Happy Ending flyer added to the Court Record
(Sunday: Artistic ending. Pick your free new-fashioned coffin from the exposition in the funeral home. Monday: Partners ending. Two coffins for the price of one. Tuesday: Mourned ending. Free wreaths and bouquets. Wednesday: Cultural ending. Guided tour around famous tombs. Thursday: Luxurious ending. Rank A coffins at Rank B prices. Friday: Famous ending. Guest star in the ceremony. Saturday:Personal ending. Make your own coffin.)
Athena: Oh, so these are the discounts...
Maya: Bah. Laaame.
Kay: Wow, I didn't know coffins were ranked.
Blackquill: Most likely by the craftsmanship.
Athena: ...But what if it's so cheap that the body actually falls out during the funeral?
Maya: Yeow. Talk about mistreating the dead.
Quote:
"Oh! Today is "two coffins for the price of one." the judge said.
"Interested, Your Honor?" Stone asked. "Are you feeling healthy today?"
"The defendant will refrain from making unpleasant insinuations regarding the health of those presents."
Athena: Ugh... if this guy was really my client, we'd be sunk right from the get-go.
Blackquill: That's exactly what happened.
Athena: What? Of course not! I haven't picked someone like this as my client yet!
Blackquill: True, that would do him better.
Athena: ...
Kay: ...You know, this talk of "presents" makes me miss Christmas already.
Maya: But we've got New Year's instead!
Athena: And I've got the perfect plan for a certain prosecutor on New Year's...
Blackquill: Don't be surprised if he sues you, then.
Widget: ಠ_ಠ
Taka: (´ー`)
Widget, Taka: ( `¬)爻(¬´ )
Quote:
He banged his gavel. "Should we now proceed with the verdict?"
"OBJECTION!" Athena shouted.
"What now? Do you also have a problem with your claims, Ms. Cykes?"
"Actually, yes. Mr. Stone was arrested because his fingerprints were found on the murder weapon. But he's the gravedigger and that shovel is his tool! It's natural for his fingerprints to be all over it! That's far from enough to render a verdict! Anyone wearing gloves could have use the shovel to commit this crime!" Yeah. Now you're on the ball, Cykes.
Athena: Geez... couldn't I have said that earlier to save us all the hassle?
Kay: Hey, you said so yourself that it's "just the nerves".
Maya: And that you'd eventually "get into the jig of things".
Blackquill: Of course, given your record, "eventually" is too long.
Taka: (¯~¯)
Athena: ...
Quote:
"OBJECTION!" Payne screeched, moving his hand. "And that's why is the prosecution who should ever give the opening statement."
"Just get to the point already." Widget chirped.
"All of the tools of the gravedigger are kept in a locked storage room in the funeral home. And the one and only key to that room, belongs to the defendant!"
Athena: Yeah, well, maybe if you knew how to talk without stammering, you'd be better qualified to give an opening statement.
Maya: Stammering?
Athena: "That's why is"?
Kay: Don't you mean "not knowing grammar"?
Quote:
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" Athena flinched. "But, but...Mr Stone! Tell me that you lost the key."
Athena: And would you quit that already!? I don't freak out over every little thing!
Blackquill: ...
Athena: At least not like that!
Quote:
"That would be difficult." Mr Stone said, reaching his collar and pulling out a chord with several keys hanging on it. "I always keep all the keys around my neck."
"All the keys?"
"Yes. Let me explain. Please, look at this plan."
Cemetery plan added to the Court Record
(The funeral home is on the right side of the cemetery. Inside it, there's a hallway with two rooms on each side. On the left, the storage room, with a door leading outside, and the shop, with a door to the hallway. On the right, the Farewell Room, with a door to the hallway, and the Crematorium, whose only door connect to the Farewell Room.)
Maya: ...
Kay: What's up?
Maya: Is it just me, or isn't the prosecution supposed to be the one presenting these floor plans?
Athena: Yeah, but he's just presenting a "cemetery plan".
Maya: So it's a plan for a cemetery?
Kay: Or a plan involving a cemetery?
Blackquill: A murder plan.
Athena: Hey, quit it. Even as a really bland OC, he's not that bad.
Quote:
"All of the rooms in the funeral home are locked when not in use. That's why I have keys to the shop, the Crematorium, and the Farewell Room along with the keys to the cemetery, the funeral home main entrance and the storage room. Nobody could enter them without my permission."
Keys added to the Court Record
(The keys to the cemetery, the funeral home, the storage room, the crematorium, the farewell room and the shop. Mr. Stone always keep them with him.)
Athena: And one more thing, author! You could have shortened this part so much by using the word "all", you know...
Maya: Nah, that won't happen. These kinds of authors always go for the silliest ways to write their fics.
Kay: Or the most disturbing. *shudder*
Maya: ...You didn't have to remind me.
Speakers:
The Management would like to encourage reminders.Quote:
"So, in a nutshell, you're the only one with access to the murder weapon?"The judge asked.
"No." Stone replied."Actually, I lost the shovel last week. I didn't find it until yesterday."
"OBJECTION!" Payne yelled. "That's just an excuse!"
"OBJECTION! There are no basis to deny my client's claim!"
Athena: Ugh... can't fic-me look cool even once? The grammar mistakes are wrecking my mojo...
Blackquill: If you have the time to complain about grammar errors, I suggest you reserve that time to reflect on exactly what "wrecks your mojo".
Athena: (Well, that's easy... you, mostly.)
Quote:
"It seems we've reached a deadlock." The judge said."Is there anything against Mr. Stone besides the murder weapon?"
"But of course." Payne flicked his hair. "But first, I'd like Mr. Stone to testify about the discovery of the body, for the sake of clarifying the case. He happens to be one of the first persons to the scene."
"It seems like a good idea to me. We need to know everything related to this case to reach a proper verdict" The judge agreed.
Kay: He sure seemed ready to pass judgment earlier.
Blackquill: If it had been me at the prosecution's bench, this trial would already be finished.
Quote:
"Any objections from the defense?"
"None, Your Honor." Athena replied.
"Witness, state your name and occupation." Payne demanded.
Maya: No transition? Oh, okay.
Quote:
"My full name is Tom Bartholomew Stone. My job is to build the final and eternal home for those who have already closed their eyes forever." Neve thought I would meet a pretentious gravedigger."
"Please, testify about the moment when the body was discovered."
"As you wish."
Witness Testimony
-Discovering the body-
Maya: But even these lines are added in? Get your stuff together, author...
Blackquill: Wait. Why has the defendant's full name not been mentioned prior?
Kay: Hey, is that part with the "Neve" supposed to be his lines or fic-Athena's?
Athena: ...Neve's, of course, whoever that is.
Quote:
"The body was discovered yesterday.
It was a cold and foggy evening. A good time for the last breath.
A lady came to me with a complaint.
Her father's grave was supposed to be dug by then, but apparently it wasn't.
We walked to the tombstone, and I could see that she was right.
I immediately started to dig.
Very deep under the ground, there was a coffin.
And inside it, a body long abandoned by its soul."
Kay: That doesn't sound too unusual for a cemetery.
Maya: Yeah, what was he expecting? There was already a gravestone there and everything!
Blackquill: ...it's not an uncommon practice to place a headstone at one's burial plot long before the death.
Maya: Oh.
Athena: That doesn't explain why each line of the testimony was its own mis-punctuated paragraph.
Blackquill: ...And how is that my problem? It's the author's poor choice to imitate how testimonies are given in the game.
Speakers:
The Management would like to remind Simon Blackquill that breaking the fourth wall is strictly forbidden.Athena: You can't tell him what to do!
Speakers:
Yes, we can. Because it's this man's honor and duty to protect his superiors, who may or may not be under our control at this very moment...Blackquill: *twitch* Try not to provoke them further, Athena.
Taka: (`◇´)
Quote:
"So, who's that other person who was there when the body was discovered?" The judge asked.
"That would be Ms. Helen Pick. Her father's funeral was scheduled for today, but his tombstone had been settled in the graveyard for a while." Stone replied.
"I'd like to present this photo taken where the body was found and the coffin as evidence." Payne stated
"The court will accept them into the record."
Photo of the grave added to the Court Record
(Three tombstones can be seen on the photo, John Donat's on the left, Joe Pick's on the middle and James Onmey's on the right. In front of the middle one, there's a deep grave.)
Coffin added to the Court Record
(A silver coffin decorated with flowers motifs outside and red, quilted velvet inside. It's muddy outside but unpolluted inside.)
Maya: Um... okay, I get the guy who has an empty grave, but who are the other two?
Kay: Forget them! Check out that "unpolluted" coffin!
Maya: Wow! It sure is "unpolluted"!
Athena: Well, you know what they say! "Looting and polluting is not the way!"
Maya: "Hear what Captain Planet has to say!"
Kay: "The power is YOURS!" *point*
Blackquill: ...
Taka: (-_-?)
Speakers:
...Normally, we would have filed a complaint for direct copyright infringement, but in this case, it was amusing enough for us to waive it.Girls: *hi-five*
Quote:
"That's one of our special new-fashioned Rank-A coffins." Stone explained. "Cozy, right?" Well, it does seems kind of comfortable, but I doubt our victim would care about that. "What's the matter, miss? Want to try it?"
"Maybe another time." Athena replied, sweating. "Let's go back to your testimony."
"The defense may now cross-examine the witness."
Right, the cross-examination. I've done this lot of times. Well, maybe not lots, but a few. And I can take a peek of this book if I need it. Press, present, I can deal with. Oh, you can present profiles, too? That's a new one.
Maya: Not really. Don't ask me why it wasn't in more recent games, though...
Speakers:
The Management would like to remind Maya Fey that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.Kay: This fic breaks the fourth wall. Do you really expect us to not comment on that?
Speakers:
Hmm... very well, we will be reasonable. We'll waive the fourth-wall breaking rule for this sporking... if you tell us what you're planning.Athena: Ooh, resorting to bribery now?
Maya: It's not gonna work!
Speakers:
In that case, just wait until we show you all the fics we have found recently...Athena: Okay, back to threats.
Kay: Bah.
Quote:
Cross-Examination
-Discovering the body-
"The body was discovered yesterday.
It was a cold and foggy evening. A good time for the last breath.
A lady came to me with a complaint.
Her father's grave was supposed to be dug by then, but apparently it wasn't.
We walked to the tombstone, and I could see that she was right.
"HOLD IT." Athena interrupted. "So, you didn't notice that the grave wasn't dug until Ms. Pick take you there?"
Kay: They're doing the testimony thing again...
Maya: Props for trying to keep it accurate, I guess.
Blackquill: If this were accurate, Athena would be shouting "Hold it!" after every line.
Athena: What? Pressing is a legitimate strategy!
Quote:
"Yes, that's right."
"Do you have a problem with the witness statement?"
"Of course I have!" Athena slammed the desk. " Mr. Stone, you are the gravedigger! If a grave that should have been dug wasn't, then you should be the first one to notice!"
"!"
"Ms. Cykes has a point" The judge agreed. "Why didn't you notice it?"
"So it has come to this." Stone muttered. " I wanted to keep it a secret but it seems I have no choice. I must confess."
Wait, confess? I hope this is not going where I think is going.
Maya: Fake tension is faaaake.
Kay: No, wait. Maybe it's real... The real deal.
Athena: Real deal? What deal?
Maya: "Thanks to our limited offer today, buy one coffin now and get a second one absolutely free!"
Kay: An entire testimony as an ad! I like!
Athena: If that's what he really confesses to... then this fic will have become so awesome!
Blackquill: ...Which means, it's never going to happen. Besides, what would that explain?
Maya: That's the point, silly!
Quote:
Witness Testimony
-Confession-
"Ms. Pick is a very exigent client.
She wanted her father's grave to be dug next to her mother's long before the funeral.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to fulfill that task.
When she complained about it, I pretended to be surprised.
I have a reputation to uphold."
Athena: HOLD IT! What's this about her being "exigent"?
Blackquill: It means she's a very demanding woman... quite like you.
Athena: What? Of course not!
Maya: But you do press people a lot.
Kay: Any lawyer presses people a lot. It's what you guys do, don't you?
Athena: ...Yeah, okay. I guess we are pretty "exigent" folks.
Blackquill: ...Somehow, you all have come to missed my point.
Quote:
The judge opened his eyes in shock. "So you never actually dug the tomb?"
"No."
"But there was even a body buried there!"
"That's someone else work, I'm afraid."
Well, that wasn't that bad. But...there's something there that doesn't add up. What could it mean?
Blackquill: It means that the defendant is guilty.
Taka: ( ̄ω ̄)
Athena: No, it means we still need more info!
Blackquill: We've had enough of your pointless pressing!
Athena: But even you can't deny that my client has more things to explain!
Blackquill: And that only adds to his suspicion...
Athena: Yeah, well... just because he's suspicious doesn't make him a murderer!
Blackquill: Hmph, wasted words... if His Baldness were here, the trial would be over.
Athena: (...Thinking about it, what were we even arguing about?)
Quote:
"The defense may cross-examine the witness."
Cross-Examination
-Confession-
"Ms. Pick is a very exigent client.
She wanted her father's grave to be dug next to her mother's long before the funeral.
"OBJECTION!" Athena shouted.
Blackquill: ...Not bothering to uphold your own claims of "pressing is a legitimate strategy"?
Athena: Well, maybe the contradiction was just really obvious!
Blackquill: ...you say "maybe" as though you haven't already figured out what the contradiction is.
Athena: Uh...
Quote:
" Are we to take that Mr. Pick want to be buried next to his wife?"
"Correct."
"But that's weird. Please, look at this photo of the grave. None of the tombstones next to Mr Pick's belongs to one Ms. Pick!"
"That has to be a mistake. I personally set that tombstone next to Ms Pick's long time ago."
Maya: Yeesh. This gravekeeper is starting to lose it.
Kay: Makes you wonder why this really picky lady would go here for his services.
Maya: The discounts, obviously.
Kay: *nodding* That explains everything.
Athena: And the state of their business, but that's only expected!
Quote:
"Long time ago?" The judge asked
"Yes. Many years ago, actually. Mr. Pick was so keen about been buried next to his wife that short after her funeral, he make me put his own tombstone next to her's."
Kay: Wow, so long ago that he's lost his sense of proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
Maya: Oh, let it go. It happens to old people all the time, especially if they're over 30.
Athena: Better watch out, Simon! You're 28 this year, right?
Blackquill: ...Unbelievably, 30 years are not even enough to be qualified as "middle-aged".
Maya: I know, it's so sad when these mistakes show up anyway.
Quote:
"Someone booking a place in the graveyard is certainly not an everyday matter. " The judge said. "But the tombstone has definitely changed his place since then. Any theories at this respect Ms. Cykes?"
Why does he always have to ask me? Let's think about this. Mr. Pick's tombstone used to be next to his wife's, but now it's not. It couldn't have move on its on, and if you think about what else happened, it become obvious who moved it. "Your Honor, I think the person who moved the tombstone...is not other than the culprit behind this case!"
Blackquill: How insulting, Cykes-dono. Do you really think anyone else would be so inane as to move a tombstone? The use of lift cars at a graveyard would give away anyone's plans.
Athena: B-but...
Kay: Wait. How heavy are tombstones again?
Blackquill: ...According to my resources, the simplest design with plain granite weighs at least 86 lbs.
Maya: Whoa. We've got a super-powered villain here!
Kay: Or a transforming robot!
Athena: *gasp* From outer space!
Blackquill: ...Bah. Anything else sounds more reasonable by this point.
Taka: (; ̄д ̄)=3
Quote:
"You mean, the same person who killed our unidentified victim also moved the tombstone?"
"Yes. After killing the victim, the culprit buried the body in the graveyard to hide their crime. But what if by chance a grave was dug at the very place where the body rested?"
Kay: Wow, talk about paranoid.
Maya: What was stopping the murderer from just putting the body on top of a coffin that was already there? It'd be even less likely for someone to dig the body up then.
Athena: Maybe they didn't want to desecrate the grave site.
Maya: ...somehow I don't think that'd be a big deal once you've already murdered someone.
Quote:
"Then, the body would be discovered."
"Exactly. That's why, to keep this crime hide forever, they disguised the body as a buried person. They put it inside a coffin and moved a tombstone on top of the grave. Everything to prevent other graves to be dug there!"
"That seems likely." The judge agreed. "But does this mean anything to our case?"
Does it means anything? "Of course it means!"That's it. My opportunity to get the upper hand.
Kay: "Of course it means!"
Maya: "Of course means it!"
Kay: "It course of means!"
Maya: "Means of it course!"
Athena: ...Okay, okay, already! (*sob*)
Quote:
"Despite all of the culprit's efforts, the body was discovered anyway. That's because they made the mistake of picking the only tombstone in the cemetery that still didn't have anyone buried under it. That begs the question: Who would commit that error?"
Blackquill: No one, considering that the only tombstone in the cemetery that didn't have anyone buried under it would also be the only tombstone in the cemetery without a death-date engraved on it.
Maya: ...there goes that contradiction.
Kay: Is this trial worth arguing anymore? I don't see it.
Athena: Me neither... even though I don't want to give in.
Quote:
"Well, that information is not common knowledge. Most of people could have make a mistake like that."
"Yes, it'd be easier if we count who wouldn't commit that error. And the first person who should come to our minds, is the person in charge of the graves, the person who put that tombstone there in the first place, someone who knew for a fact that there wasn't anyone buried there. The defendant, Mr. Tom Stone!"
"But, then that means..."
"That he is, without a doubt, not guilty!" Athena yelled, grinning.
"Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Payne flinched
Athena: Hah! At least the joke's still on Payne!
Blackquill: That means nothing.
Athena: *shrink*
Maya: Yeah, I mean, it's always on him. It was my Sis who struck the first blow long ago.
Kay: Yeah, but it's your sister. She's always awesome.
Maya: You bet!
Quote:
"Ms. Cykes logic is very sound." The judge said. "It's hard to keep labelling Mr. Stone a suspect, given the facts."
Blackquill: Your Baldness, I suggest you begin searching for a retirement home soon. It seems your perspicacity has been draining away at an increasing pace.
Quote:
"OBJECTION!" Payne screeched. "The prosecution is not done yet. There's a decisive witness that I'd like to call to the stand."
"If there's a witness, the court will heard what they have to say." The judge banged his gavel.
Athena sank on the bench. Why there always have to be a decisive a witness?
Athena: Your Honor! Why are you still continuing the trial!?
Blackquill: ...It's the fault of those who can't keep their mouths shut.
Athena: ...Are you talking about us defense attorneys or the witnesses?
Blackquill: Both.
Quote:
Court record:
Profiles:
Tom Stone (Male;42): The defendant. He works as gravedigger at the Happy Ending Cemetery.
All: !?
Maya: Did the author run out of ideas to write and just throw in the Court Record for good measure?
Athena: More like bad measure! We just saw these people...
Kay: And all the details on the evidence submitted...
Quote:
Apollo Justice (Male;23): My senior co-worker. He was supposed to be my co-counsel, but decided to investigate at the graveyard instead.
Trucy Wright (Female;16): My boss' daughter and also my co-worker. She wants to be a magician.
Winston Payne (Male;63): The prosecutor for this case. He lacks presence.
Maya: You know, I was hoping the author would at least have some amusing things to add. I have so many ideas to put down here.
Quote:
Evidence:
Attorney's badge: Nobody believes that I'm a lawyer unless I show them this.
Blackquill: ...And even then, no one would believe you.
Athena: That was only one guy, and he was being stupid!
Blackquill: That "one guy" had reported a case of physical assault against an officer of the law. For your sake, I decided to ignore it.
Athena: ...Aw, you didn't have to.
Quote:
Court Manners 101: A book about the basics on courtroom procedures and manners.
Athena: No way! I threw that thing away already! Why is it back!?
[
And blah, blah, blah, Court Record.]
Athena: Yes, finally! It's over!
Speakers:
...*tzzt*...All: ?
Maya: Thinking about it, the Management hasn't spoken in for a while now. It wouldn't bother me normally, but...
Kay: ...didn't they say something about Mr. Edgeworth and Mr. Wright or something?
Athena: What? But weren't they just messing with us?
[
And not a sound is heard from the speakers.]
Taka: (`へ´)!
Blackquill: ...This eerie silence does not bode well. We should make haste from here.
Speakers:
...Hehehehe hahahaha Bwahahahahaahahahaaa!!Maya: Uh-oh, they've finally snapped.
Kay: It's about time, really.
Athena: Um... is that a good or bad thing?
Blackquill: A pointless question. What good could possibly come of this?
Kay: Maybe they'll no longer make sense and we can use the confusion to our advantage?
Maya: 'Sides, it's not our problem. We're done here! Let's blow this joint already!
Kay: Aye to that!
Athena: Same here!
Girls: *hi-five again*
Blackquill: ...Taka, do you sense it? This air of unease... and danger.
Taka: (`へ´;) *nod*
Athena: Oh, come on. I was kidding about that NY prank... sort of.
Blackquill: We don't mean you.
[
Before the sporkers can take their leave, though, Blackquill's apprehensions are confirmed.]
Speakers:
Shh! SILENCE! ... Mweeheehee. I see. It's all coming clear to me!*snap*
Zvarri! We have a veritable variety of an eccentric cast at the theaters tonight!
...Is that all you can come up with? Lame.
Why, I never! You dare call me "lame" after your pathetic offering of pointless maniacal laughter?
Look who's talking. Weren't you the one who wanted a guilty verdict?
Truly laughable, indeed! Why, if it was moi, the judge couldn't possibly sentencize me with anything!
Pff... yeah, you're the type to give in before the trial was over.
W-what!? How dare you!
Now, now, everyone. I believe we are on air at the moment. It certainly wouldn't look appealing if this new Management were to collapse in on itself right from the start...
Hmph! No one asked you, Sir Retiree! What is a former Police Chief doing amonst our ranks anyhow?
I'm simply enjoying the show. Is that so wrong?All: ...
Athena: They're... actually arguing among themselves.
Blackquill: ...as I suspected. These are the voices of those who have been damned to lives behind bars.
Maya: Oh, man... I thought we never had to see these guys again!
Kay: Ugh, it's bringing back bad memories...
Athena: So, is there any chance we're in for any better or...?
All else: Definitely worse.
Kay: Geez. It was just a silly little joke we were playing on them! They didn't actually have to leave!
Maya: I hope Nick and Mr. Edgeworth are going to be okay... They did say they were planning something else for the Management.
Blackquill: ...I will see to locating them as soon as possible. Should any complication arise with their security, you will be the first to know.
Athena: Thanks, Simon. This is actually worrying. I didn't even know it was possible in this theater!
[
And so our intrepid heroes take a prompt leave, anticipating the worst yet to come.]
Speakers:
H-hey! Look, you nincompetent poops! They're getting away!
So? If you want a wild goose chase, then help yourself.
Verily! The only "poop" here is you for complaining! These fools are bound to return one way or another!
Anyhow, we've got a little reorganization to attend to. It's a new year! Out with the drab, and in with the brilliance, I say!
Pff... Tell me about it. With this sort of company, it's almost blinding...[
...And thus we have arrived upon a new milestone in our sporking history. What will become of the Theater under this new management? What will become of our sporkers? Have those two lawyers really been taken hostage? And last but not least, what were Maya and Kay actually talking about? We may never know that last one, but tune in next time for more action-packed sporking drama!]