Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Maya · Post by **Maya** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 6:21 pm

I really enjoyed Phoenix's revenge! That spork was great!

cuteyounggirlplus · Post by **cuteyounggirlplus** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:18 pm

I would like some feedback on this one, please. Also, as a warning, today's fic contains questionable themes.

Presenting: Damon Gant's Swimmingly good journal

Today's fic is rated four out of five Sahwits.

This fic just started out as an unfunny crackfic that had Apollo acting like a toddler. Then, you start reading the titular journal and... Well, let's not spoil the surprise, shall we?

Today's Sporkers:

(Apollo Justice, Klavier Gavin and Ema Skye are all teleported into the theater. The theater is all dressed up in an oceanic theme.)

Ema: …

Klavier: Is something a matter, Fräulein?

Ema: …Let’s just get this over with, fop.

(Ema sits down without another word. Apollo, shrugging, does the same. Finally, Klavier follows suit as the lights begin to dim.)

Spoiler:

Apollo had been ruckusing through the rickus of rankaus rooks ricks rauks.

All: …

Apollo: One sentence in and we already have no idea what’s going on.

"The rickus of rankaus rooks ricks rauks" Was the absolutely terrible name Gumshoe came up with for the auction of items "Acquired" by police. Nobody else had any ideas for a name so it was picked by default.

Klavier: Isn’t auctioning off evidence illegal, ja?

Ema: Did this fic really make Detective Gumshoe the new Conductor?

Apollo was only there because Trucy and Phoenix had dragged him along.

Klavier: I doubt Herr Wright and Fräulien would be amoral enough to go to an illegal auction.

Apollo: (Well, that’s what you think…)

He never had any intention of buying a product. But when a used up Moleskine journal was brought up. Apollo felt compelled to have it. Nobody else wanted it. It had 777 pages.

Ema: Scientifically speaking, It’s impossible for a journal to have an odd number of pages.

Apollo: I don’t think any thought on whether or not this is scientifically accurate went into this. In fact, I don’t any thought went into this at all.

All of which were used. And there was no hint on the cover of who owned it. Just lots of 7s carved into the skin.

Klavier: …What is with the ‘sevens’?

Ema: …I think it’s the author’s idea of a joke.

Klavier: But it’s not really funny, ja?

But Apollo managed to acquire it for a measly $7.77, Although he paid using a credit card and found the price he was charged was 7 dollars, 77 cents, and 7 777ths of a cent.

Apollo: Credit cards don’t work like that.

Klavier: Nien. They don’t do that.

Which he assumed was some sort of sick joke. A terrible joke that had acquired some sort of disease. Therefore, A sick joke.

Apollo: Or it could just be an expression.

When they got home from the auction Apollo retreated to his study(Read: Broom closet) to read his new journal.

Apollo: Objection! My study is not a broom closet!

Klavier: What is your study, then, Herr Forehead?

Apollo: …It’s not a broom closet.

Despite the police officer running the auction saying they had no idea whose journal it was. On the very first page it said "Property of Chief High Almighty Prosecutor And Chief of Police And Also President of the United States of Everywhere and also Justice: Damon Gant" "Wow! This belonged to such an important person! I wonder how it ended up in the hands of police auctioneers!" Exclaimed Apollo in excitement, quietly, To himself.

Apollo: I’m smart enough to figure out that that label is a lie, author.

Klavier: I’m pretty sure there’s no way to be both Chief Prosecutor and Chief of Police, ja?

Ema: ……

If he disturbed Phoenix's rest he would be in for quite the beating. Since Phoenix had drank quite a lot more grape juice than he should of. And since the grape juice was very very expired. He was quite drunk.

Apollo: Objection! I’m not some kind of abused child!

Ema: Mr. Wright isn’t the type to beat his subordinates, either.

The following is extracts from Damon Gant's super super important secret journal.

Klavier: The same journal as in the title, ja?

Ema: …

Apollo: Are you feeling all right, Ema?

(The lights are switched back on for a quick break.)

Klavier: We don’t even get to read the journal until the second chapter? What a ripoff.

Apollo: Technically, we got to read what was on the first page…

Klavier: You know what I mean.

(The lights are quickly shut off as the sporkers settle into the second chapter.)

Spoiler:

Page 7:

Today I went swimming with that old chap Von Karma. What a jolly good man he was in the swimming pool. He had lost a case and wanted to go swimming with me so I would cover it up. He was very good at swimming so I'm going to go ahead and re-write all the documents in the prosecutor's office to say that Von Karma won the case. Such a good swimmer deserves a good record. And anybody that witnessed the loss is going to be enjoying a surprise swimming party with me soon.

Klavier: Just because the prosecutor is a good swimmer doesn’t mean he should automatically win the case, ja?

Apollo: It’s not like swimming has anything to do with the law anyway.

Page 17:

Today I had some fabulous toast. It tasted just... Swimmingly. I finally finished giving all the witnesses to that Von Karma case their surprise swimming parties. The last one was quite the handsome young fellow. He even looked handsome afterwards as he rested in my bed. Although he hogged the covers. I've sent for a swimming escort to escort him out of my estate. He'll wake up in his own home and might even think it was a dream. A dream that left a very lasting impression. A very lasting impression.

Apollo: Wait, if they went swimming, why were they in bed?

All: ……

Ema: …Oh g…This is a rape log.

Page 27:

This most handsome up-and-coming attorney-in-training whose name contained way to many hyphens for me to remember failed the bar exam today.

Klavier: How many hypens can one have in their name, ja?

Apollo: …Whoever it is, I feel sorry that they had to be featured in this journal…

But he was so handsome I offered him some extra credit to help him pass the exam despite getting 7/45 questions correct. Swimming with him was lovely, he certainly deserved his extra credit.

Apollo: More sexual extortion. Just what we needed.

I'm sure he'll be a perfect puppet to play into my plays of peril and penultimativity. Is penultimativity not a word? Who cares! It is now! I'm Damon Gant bitch!

All: …

Ema: …I don’t think Gant would ever say anything like that.

Page 70:

Deja Vu! I was swimming with all my higher-ups(Although there aren't many that are higher up than me) And I could've sworn I had the exact same swimming session with them before. Even done to be thinking about having Deja vu! I guess I just swim that often.

All: …

Ema: Please stop…for all of our sakes…

Page 77:

Today I decided to have 7 smalls meals, each of 7 small courses each. It's supposed to septuple your metabolism in speed!

Apollo: More like your size.

My rigorous swimming workouts with my estate's beautiful staff paired with this new diet should make me the most beautiful man in the world!

Klavier: Does Gant hire sex workers as his servants, too? A bit of a one-track mind, ja?

Apollo: (You’re one to talk, Mr. Rockstar.)

That is, if everything goes... Swimmingly.

Apollo: …I can never look at swimming the same way again.

Ema: That goes for all of us.

Page 477:

HA!....HA!....HA!!!
That foolish Skye! We will NEVERSPEAKOFTHATCASEAGAIN!!!

Klavier: ……Fraulien, why are you in Gant’s r—?

Ema: We’re not discussing this.

Page 700:

Things are getting very suspicious around here!
That Phoenix Wright character is getting in my way. I've invited him to come Swimming with me but he never accepts the offer. I might have to give him a surprise swimming party.

Apollo: …Is this fic saying that Gant tried to rape Mr. Wright?

Page 777:

The surprise Swimming party did not work out. I've lost my office. This is terrible! This is not swimminglyswigergeswimswimswimsiwmswimsiwmsiwmimswimswim!!!!!

I'm sure prison doesn't have ANY swimming pools! How can I go SWIMMING without SWIIMMING POOOLLS! Will we have to swim in the showers?! This is ridiculous! And how dare they take all my possessions! And positions! And! And! My swimmingly handsome escorts! No! no!

Ema: Good. You got your just deserts, you murdering rapist.

The rest of the page was furious scribbling.
Apollo showed the journal to Phoenix. Especially the part where he's mentioned. Phoenix seemed to shudder and grow pale. Muttering "So...big..." over and over under his breath.

All: ……

Klavier: …I-I did not need to know that, ja?

What on earth could've been happening at a surprise swimming party?

Apollo: Bad things. Very bad things.

(The lights flicker back on. As if trying to get rid of the bad taste of the fic, Ema furiously shoves snackoos into her mouth as she runs out of the theater.)

Apollo and Klavier: …

Apollo: …We should probably follow Ema’s lead and get out of here.

Klavier: …J-Ja.

(So, our two remaining sporkers leave the theater, desperately trying to erase today’s fic from their minds.)

Oliver · Post by **Oliver** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:31 pm

I'm Damon Gant bitch!

And this was when I died

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:48 pm

A good sporking, cuteyounggirlplus, but Klavier felt a little bland and I don't think you had enough commentary. Plus you overused "All: ..." a bit.
Also, if it were me, I would have had the sporkers be in denial about the "rape journal" thing for at least part of the sporking. And/or at some point pointing out that even if Damon Gant was a murderer and was kind of creepy, he wasn't actually a rapist... or at least pointing out that he wasn't that obsessed with swimming. I dunno. It makes sense that they didn't, I guess, because only Ema had direct experience with it, but I think it would probably irritate her a bit. Not out of any respect for Gant, mind you, but out of the fact that him being OOC is kind of... disrespectful, I guess? Like, "he was bad enough without being a rapist!" or "I can't believe the author thinks he could have done all that while being obsessed with something as stupid as swimming."

cuteyounggirlplus · Post by **cuteyounggirlplus** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 10:50 pm

@Airey Thanks for the feedback

Skittlemask · Post by **Skittlemask** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 11:34 pm

I was going to say the same exact thing about Klavier, but since Airey beat me to it, I'm not gonna repeat it. Anyway some other things to say, one of my favorite things about sporkings are the way the characters play off each other, and you tend to have a lot of one-liners (if you don't count "All: ...") I'm not saying you have to come up with stuff to say everytime for pretty much every line, but it would be nice to see a bit more? I know I'm the kind who comes up with too much commentary, so I guess it's just easy for me too say...

One other little minor thing, it's spelt "nein" not "nien."

Spoiler: Not criticism, and is barely a spoiler...

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Sat Nov 07, 2015 11:37 pm

Skittlemask wrote:
Spoiler: Not criticism, and is barely a spoiler...
Klavier: ...What is with the 'sevens'?

Ema: ...I think it's the author's idea of a joke.

Klavier: But it's not really funny, ja?
Isn't Damon Gant's ID number 7777777? Maybe that's where the author was getting that from? Ema might've remembered, since it was the code to the safe and all. Or maybe I'm seriously misremembering things...

No, you're right. The author takes it way too far.

Maya · Post by **Maya** » Sun Nov 08, 2015 11:52 am

Apollo: …I can never look at swimming the same way again.

Yep.

FeenieJustice · Post by **FeenieJustice** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:11 pm

I'd just like to mention to you all that don't know, ao3 (and possibly FF.net, I'm not sure) Law Plus Chaos is now 51 chapters long, with a baby plotline.

Trucy and Apollo's baby.

I don't have words for this.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:23 pm

FeenieJustice wrote:I'd just like to mention to you all that don't know, ao3 (and possibly FF.net, I'm not sure) Law Plus Chaos is now 51 chapters long, with a baby plotline.

Trucy and Apollo's baby.

I don't have words for this.

...huh? I just went to check but it's still 24 chapters...

Mr.Edge · Post by **Mr.Edge** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:30 pm

And that's why I don't like swimming.

Oliver · Post by **Oliver** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:31 pm

FeenieJustice wrote:I'd just like to mention to you all that don't know, ao3 (and possibly FF.net, I'm not sure) Law Plus Chaos is now 51 chapters long, with a baby plotline.

Trucy and Apollo's baby.

I don't have words for this.

I...No please no.

cuteyounggirlplus · Post by **cuteyounggirlplus** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:50 pm

Checked ao3. No 51 chapters of Law Plus Chaos but Hellspawn has a sequel!

Fortunately, the Hellspawn sequel only has one chapter as of now.

Maybe FeenieJustice should give a link to chapter 43 of Law Plus Chaos? That is if he isn't being a troll.

Rysiek · Post by **Rysiek** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 3:41 pm

You mean that this, this STÜCK of SHIT IS LONGER? :WTF: Vater unser im Himmel...

Snowthefirst · Post by **Snowthefirst** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 4:56 pm

This whole thing is a misunderstanding, and not Feenie Justice's fault.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5139168/1/Law-Plus-Chaos

The fanfiction.net version of Law Plus Chaos is the same exact story as the AO3 version. That includes the Trucy pregnancy subplot near the end of the story, which this sporking theater has already covered and likely what Feenie was reacting to earlier.

The thing is, the fanfiction version of the story is 42 chapters long as opposed to the 24 chapters of the AO3 version, despite the content between both versions being identical.

Why this is I couldn't tell you, but that's the source of this misunderstanding. No need to worry about more Law Plus Chaos.

cuteyounggirlplus · Post by **cuteyounggirlplus** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 9:10 pm

@Snowthelawn

But didn't he say there was 51 chapters? That's quite the difference.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 9:12 pm

FeenieJustice pls

luck · Post by **luck** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:16 pm

cuteyounggirlplus wrote:Checked ao3. No 51 chapters of Law Plus Chaos but Hellspawn has a sequel! Fortunately, the Hellspawn sequel only has one chapter as of now.

Maybe FeenieJustice should give a link to chapter 43 of Law Plus Chaos? That is if he isn't being a troll.

Now that sequel has a chapter two and even more nonsense than the original fic, which is quite the feat (trust me, I've read it

There's a lot of nonsense there). Someone should spork this thing, really. I'd do it myself but I'm busy this week and to be honest I don't think I could start and then leave it alone, and I don't want to spend more time than reasonable sporking things (which would definitely happen if I tackle a fic that long).

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:19 pm

Shouldn't the sequel be sporked when the original is finished?

Speaking of spending more time than reasonable sporking things, who's taking the next part of Turnabout Storm?

FeenieJustice · Post by **FeenieJustice** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:50 pm

I think I might just be really dumb because my memory problems.
Haha, I probably got it mixed up with something else.
God, I'm really sorry, honestly.
I'm just dumb with a bad memory.

Edit:
I swear to God I'm not a troll, I'm just really, really idiotic sometimes.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:52 pm

FeenieJustice wrote:I think I might just be really dumb because my memory problems.
Haha, I probably got it mixed up with something else.
God, I'm really sorry, honestly.
I'm just dumb with a bad memory.

Lol, welcome to the club.

luck · Post by **luck** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 11:12 pm

AireyVerkhovensky wrote:Shouldn't the sequel be sporked when the original is finished?

Speaking of spending more time than reasonable sporking things, who's taking the next part of Turnabout Storm?

I meant the original one. The sequel just reminded me of it.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 11:48 pm

luck wrote:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:Shouldn't the sequel be sporked when the original is finished?

Speaking of spending more time than reasonable sporking things, who's taking the next part of Turnabout Storm?
I meant the original one. The sequel just reminded me of it.

Who's doing the next part of that?
What chapter are we on, anyway?
~~What day is it?~~

cuteyounggirlplus · Post by **cuteyounggirlplus** » Mon Nov 09, 2015 11:55 pm

@Airey

The next sporking of Hellspawn should be Chapter 5 and 6.

Spoiler:

Mr.Edge · Post by **Mr.Edge** » Tue Nov 10, 2015 5:51 am

I honestly wish there was a Phoenix Wright counterpart of My Immortal sometimes. All these poorly written ApolloxTrucy baby subplot and rape logs aren't as memorable.

Oliver · Post by **Oliver** » Tue Nov 10, 2015 6:15 am

Mr.Edge wrote:I honestly wish there was a Phoenix Wright counterpart of My Immortal sometimes. All these poorly written ApolloxTrucy baby subplot and rape logs aren't as memorable.

But there is. It's title is *insert misspelling of Gothic Attorney which I cannot remember*

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Tue Nov 10, 2015 4:57 pm

There's also Pheenox's revenge, to a lesser extent.
Really? I'm glad there aren't more. The only "[insert fandom here]'s answer to My Immortal" that wasn't just a lame, uncreative ripoff was Starkit's Prophecy, and only then because instead of goffik it was Christian fundamentalism. The point is that My Immortal was the peak of trolling, and anyone trying to imitate it just... fell flat. I'm glad its dropped in popularity a bit, so we don't have many people trying to mimic it anymore.

luck · Post by **luck** » Tue Nov 10, 2015 5:27 pm

AireyVerkhovensky wrote:
luck wrote:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:Shouldn't the sequel be sporked when the original is finished?

Speaking of spending more time than reasonable sporking things, who's taking the next part of Turnabout Storm?
I meant the original one. The sequel just reminded me of it.
Who's doing the next part of that?

Nobody, apparently. I don't think anyone has claimed it. The same goes for Turnabout Storm.

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Tue Nov 10, 2015 8:44 pm

I am available to spork another round of Hellspawn or T. Storm, but I've been trying to get my blog stuff back on track first. After I'm done with a few more rounds of translation work, if no one else has taken them by then, I'll help myself to one or the other via coin flip.

Or is there a fic that you guys really want me to spork right away?

Oliver · Post by **Oliver** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:41 am

Just letting you guys know, I might not start on my sporking for a while.
I've just not been in the mood.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:46 am

@Oliver: Cool with us.

@Rubia: Personally I want to wait on the coinflip, since either of those two fics are what I want to see you sporking next anyway.

Maya · Post by **Maya** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:31 am

AireyVerkhovensky wrote:There's also Pheenox's revenge, to a lesser extent.
Really? I'm glad there aren't more. The only "[insert fandom here]'s answer to My Immortal" that wasn't just a lame, uncreative ripoff was Starkit's Prophecy, and only then because instead of goffik it was Christian fundamentalism. The point is that My Immortal was the peak of trolling, and anyone trying to imitate it just... fell flat. I'm glad its dropped in popularity a bit, so we don't have many people trying to mimic it anymore.

AMEN.

I used to write Tenchi Muyo and Sailor Moon troll fics back in the day before ff.net removed them all! They were deemed "non story"

Edit: I say troll fics but maybe I mean crack... Not sure.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 4:51 pm

Maya wrote:
AireyVerkhovensky wrote:There's also Pheenox's revenge, to a lesser extent.
Really? I'm glad there aren't more. The only "[insert fandom here]'s answer to My Immortal" that wasn't just a lame, uncreative ripoff was Starkit's Prophecy, and only then because instead of goffik it was Christian fundamentalism. The point is that My Immortal was the peak of trolling, and anyone trying to imitate it just... fell flat. I'm glad its dropped in popularity a bit, so we don't have many people trying to mimic it anymore.
AMEN.

I used to write Tenchi Muyo and Sailor Moon troll fics back in the day before ff.net removed them all! They were deemed "non story"

Edit: I say troll fics but maybe I mean crack... Not sure.

I don't think ff.net removes crackfics. I mean, most of the fics on my profile are crack...

Maya · Post by **Maya** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 8:52 pm

They used to. They had a policy against them, then I come back 5-10 years later and there's a crack genre.

I remember they went on a deleting spree and removed all MSTs as well.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:01 pm

Maya wrote:They used to. They had a policy against them, then I come back 5-10 years later and there's a crack genre.

I remember they went on a deleting spree and removed all MSTs as well.

It kind of makes sense that they wouldn't allow MSTs though,

cuteyounggirlplus · Post by **cuteyounggirlplus** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 3:28 pm

Is it sad that I have more kink meme fics bookmarked than I know what to do with?

Rubia Ryu the Royal · Post by **Rubia Ryu the Royal** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 6:51 pm

In times like this, I suggest shutting your eyes and going ini mini miney mo and see where it gets you. Or you can ask Airey what to do. I hear she's got over 200+ km fics bookmarked. :p

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 6:53 pm

I gave them all stupid sort-of-summary titles so I usually go with whichever title strikes me as the most amusing at the moment.

cuteyounggirlplus · Post by **cuteyounggirlplus** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 7:29 pm

I think I know what I'm going to do next but if anyone wants to do a kink meme special I have plenty of fics for you.

AireyVerkhovensky · Post by **AireyVerkhovensky** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 9:13 pm

Hey, if I translate this random slashfic I found (only just over 1k words, thank God) would it make more sense to post it here, post it on one of my tumblrs and link it, or just spork it myself? (I don't really feel like sporking right now.)