The truth must be there!
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Faith is for the transient people.
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3871338/8/P ... one_Wright
Enjoy! ^.^ I definitely enjoyed writing this chapter (But the sad scene made me sad too D:)
Thank you Elriel! :D
I like a man with a big ... vocabulary.
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Sometimes I start feeling like I'm on a steep slope and gathering speed when I read your stories - they flash past and I'm not sure I grasped all that is happening in their heads. I don't feel like I'm being invited to share the lives of the characters and that's a bit of a shame sometimes. You could improve the timing and have some of the lines be more meaningful in themselves that way.
The sad scene here was MUCH more well-paced in that regard - I could tell you were really feeling for the characters. More of that!
If I could set you a challenge, it would be to write a story without dialogue, with one of the characters on their own. No direct flashbacks, just living in the moment and maybe having some abstract memories. Explore and savour your characters a bit = get in their heads and have a poke round in the dusty corners. People are interested in them, they want to know them better and as the writer, you can offer them that. You should find it's a fascinating exercise as well if you love the characters as much as you seem to.
Does that make sense? Pacing is hard, I know I don't get it right myself every time, but I am constantly striving to get better. It's like comedy timing.
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I know what you're saying; the way I used to write was script (I'm still ashamed even now to admit that), and I think it's somehow still dragging on me, hence the abundance of speech. But in some chapters I have gotten more in-depth than others (I think Chapter 1 was the best example, before I really got in there)
I don't think I can improve on what EVERYONE'S telling me (I'm getting a lot of variety in my reviews), but I'm definitely trying. That chapter was working on the personalities of the characters (as requested by a few people), and I hope it WAS better in that respect. I'll see what I can do about the detail problem, though. I am always trying to do better at detail, believe you me. :P
Thank you Elriel! :D
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3871338/9/
Keep in mind that I felt this was... half rushed and half not. I ran the chapter by about three people before I finished and sent it. If there's any grammatical errors I need to fix, please tell me. I'll be glad to fix them.
Enjoy the chapter, this might be the only chapter where I only focus on Dahlia!
Thank you Elriel! :D
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Husband of lolipop.cat and brother of Xero Wright.
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sigTolombo conMagic
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Visitation time was now over. Phoenix and Maya made their way to the scene of the crime one more time.
They were determined to find at least one more clue.
Author's Note: I just now figured out I could have made that confession scene a lot better... but I was playing the song "Reminiscience ~ True Pain" from PW:JFA while writing it, and I was already shedding a few tears over how the scene was playing in my head. (If you all must know, I have a weakness for scenes like that D:) But if anyone wants an extended scene of that, I just might write it for all you PxI fans out there. (It can be an EX Chapter XD)
Theres an error its suppose to be Phoenix and IRIS made their way to the scene of the crime one more time. And i demand the EX chapter
sigTolombo conMagic
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It's what if Iris busted in during 3-1 and got Dahlia convicted and told Phoenix the truth.
Of course, Phoenix Wright: Everything Gone Wright details what would have happened had she told him the truth BEFORE 3-1. It's nine chapters long and it's already past the point where 3-1 would have taken place, so be sure and take a look!
If you want the extended confession EX that badly, I might write it. But it probably won't be that good.
I'll fix that error later. Surprised nobody else has told me of this yet.
Thank you Elriel! :D
Last edited by Xero Wright on Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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lol PG? lol this is the best ever i love FEENRIS as u know of course. THis chapter wasn't tht Short was it?
sigTolombo conMagic
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And, I editted my post earlier. Take a look.
Thank you Elriel! :D
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sigTolombo conMagic
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sigTolombo conMagic
Faith is for the transient people.
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Thank you Elriel! :D
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sigTolombo conMagic
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sigTolombo conMagic
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I liked chapter 8, it did slow down the breakneck pace somewhat, and that was an improvement, really showing the characters behind the action. I do agree with previous comments about Maya and cheeriness though, her personality really needs to be consistently peppy. Even if she does take a turn for the dour, it's usually temporary. There are a couple lapses in tense throughout chapters 8 and 9, but reading them aloud should reveal those. A more abstract style issue that I see is how you integrate dialog and scene description. You do a wonderful job describing the scene at the beginning of a conversation, and then suddenly all the detail is gone while the dialog is in progress. Detail needn't stop when talking starts. The end result is a sort of stop-and-start pace that makes reading a bit awkward. It's very much like a script for a play, which is fine when you can see the actors and their body language can indicate shifts in mood/tone, but that needs to be captured by description when you write.
A few slight nitpicks about chapter 9 in particular
This is especially motivational for murder given Dahlia's general paranoia about being found out. I bring this up only because it seems excessive, even for Dahlia, to risk getting caught to stop Doug from mentioning that crazy girlfriend he had once. It would seem to make more sense, and be more in character, for Dahlia to stew over the facts as she knows them, let the worst case percolate in her mind a bit, convince herself it was inevitable, then take action. Also, I notice that whenever Dahlia is pretending innocence, you always refer to her expression as a mask or guise. This is somewhat redundant; all of your readers know her smiles aren't genuine, so maybe just describing her change in manner and expression would do, and would also relieve some of the term reuse that crops up whenever Dahlia is deceiving someone.
Overall, well done, some nice improvement and I
Faith is for the transient people.
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About Dahlia, I just wanted to get the Doug murder over with, because it is necessary for something later on in the fic. Also, I realize the redundance of 'mask' and 'guise', it's just what comes to mind while I type and I guess it flows out that way a lot. I'll try to crop out uses of those words from now on.
I tried to keep things simple, as well; I didn't worry about her mental state at the moment, there's plenty of time for that later (end of Chapter 10, which is still in progress), but you have to remember that her paranoia never lasts for long; she's always able to conceal everything to herself no matter what (until someone sees past her, then all hell breaks loose).
Thank you Elriel! :D
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Faith is for the transient people.
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Thank you Elriel! :D
My body is ready.
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Faith is for the transient people.
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Thank you Elriel! :D
Faith is for the transient people.
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3871338/10/ ... one_Wright
Special thanks to Slezak and Mia_Fey for proofreading this for me! Enjoy!
Thank you Elriel! :D
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Edit:
Another Amzing Chapter can't wait for the next one keep the good work up Xero!
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...
...
*goes back to the shadows*
Oh yeah, and Iris rules all.
You're too slow!
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...
...
*goes back to the shadows*
Oh yeah, and Iris rules all.
Yes Iris does rule all.
FeenRis & Minuki!
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Family Tree Game: Slezak and DNR's child. Brother of VioletBlue and Irisisodamnhot
Thanks Vickinator for the sig!
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3871338/11/
Enjoy!
Thank you Elriel! :D
My body is ready.
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I could probably hazard a guess as to who that was at the end.
Diego and Mia forever
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I could probably hazard a guess as to who that was at the end.
EDIT: Curses! Beat'd!
Last edited by Somestickguy on Thu Dec 13, 2007 10:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Edit: Another Amazing Chapter!
sigTolombo conMagic
Last edited by IrisWright on Thu Dec 13, 2007 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Also, thanks to everyone for the updates! ^.^ I'm glad everyone likes it. This is the chapter I've been most hesitant on, I kept doing it piece by piece and trying to get the right feeling through. The fic's way more than half done now; I'd wager there's about 5 more chapters, 9 at the most. But we'll see~
Also, there will be NO CASES written in EGW1. Keep that in mind as we near the end...
Thank you Elriel! :D
Diego and Mia forever
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Didja get my review, dad?
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Also, this is before 1-1, so there's no way it could be Mia. :P Remember, we're about a few days after 3-1 was SUPPOSED to occur. So that leaves only one person.
Thank you Elriel! :D
Diego and Mia forever
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NOW TAKE IT TO THE LAUNCH PAD!
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But...there are a few things I noticed how the plot could turn out...so best I put it in spoiler...
Art by the talented Vickinator, thank you! ^_^
Faith is for the transient people.
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Thank you Elriel! :D
NOW TAKE IT TO THE LAUNCH PAD!
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Art by the talented Vickinator, thank you! ^_^
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