DON'T INTERRUPT ME, JUSTICE!!!
Gender: Female
Location: Southern California
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2007 2:44 am
Posts: 1019
Hey, guys. Firstly, to the people who've requested something, I've got some of 'em started, but as I've stated earlier, between the musical and some other projects (and school) there hasn't been a whole lot of work done on them. I'll try to get them up sometime in the near future though.
Anyways, here's a collab fic I worked on with
SerenityBlueTitle: Drunken Insanity
Rating: PG-13 for drunken idiocy and sexual innuendo
Involving: Larry convinces Phoenix to help him get Edgeworth drunk.
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“Hey, Nick, you know what would be fun?”
It always amazed Phoenix how such a seemingly innocent phrase like that could cause such an intense feeling of dread. Whenever Larry uttered it, or a phrase similar, things had a way of falling apart incredibly fast.
Deciding to head off any impending disaster, Phoenix spoke firmly to his long time friend, “Go home Larry.”
“But Niiiiiick! You didn’t even listen to my idea!”
“And I don’t want to; the last idea you had landed me in jail.”
“This is a good one though, promise!”
Knowing he was never going to get the Butz to shut up this way, Phoenix sighed, “Fine, I’ll listen, but I won’t guarantee I’ll be party to it.”
Larry pouted, “Way to take the fun out of everything, Nick. I was just thinking, have you ever seen Edgey drunk?”
Phoenix did not like where this was headed. “I’ve seen him drink before…”
“Naw, man, I meant like plastered.”
“I’ve generally passed out at that point, so no.”
“Then you know what we need to do, right?”
“Larry, if you say ‘get Edgeworth so drunk he can’t see straight’ I’m going to beat your head in.”
Larry rolled his eyes, “No, I was going to say ‘go for ice cream’, but honestly your idea was better.”
“Larry, there are all kinds of things wrong with that idea.”
“Oh, Yeah?! Name one!”
“Oh, I don’t now…how are we going to get Edgeworth to drink, maybe?”
Larry visibly deflated. “Oh, yeah…that is a problem…”
Phoenix tried to hide a smirk at his success in derailing what could have been a disastrous evening. He turned back to the papers on his desk, hoping Larry would get the hint and leave.
After a minute of blessed silence, Larry slammed his hands down on the desk, and Phoenix had to resist the very strong urge to slam his hands down on it and yell ‘Objection!’ at his friend.
“Well, I figure we’ll just have to wing it, dude!”
“No, Larry.”
“C’mon…” Larry gave Phoenix his patented 'big sad puppy eyed stare with complimentary lip quiver' face. Phoenix glared at his friend.
“Sniffling isn’t going to work, Larry. Maya does that too often.”
“You know I’m not going to leave until you come with me…”
Phoenix had to admit the Butz would most likely hold true to his threat. Sighing, he conceded, “Fine, Larry. I’ll come, but I won’t help.”
“You’re no fun, Nick.”
“Go to hell, Larry.”
“That’s what she said.”
Phoenix sighed, “This is going to be a long day…”
They got into the Prosecutor’s Office fairly easy, as security seemed to be either nonexistent or out to lunch. Then again, Phoenix's face wasn't a foreign one in the building. People stopped bothering to ask his business there after a while. The secretary even smiled and declared that Phoenix was in luck and Mr. Edgeworth had just returned to his office. Phoenix smiled back at her, if only to be polite, and walked into aforementioned office.
"What do you want, Wright?" Edgeworth asked grumpily from his desk.
Phoenix made a helpless gesture towards Larry, who bounded over and slammed his hands on Edgeworth’s desk. “Hey, Edgey, Nick and I are going out for some drinks. You want to come?”
Edgeworth backed his chair up as a far away from Larry as possible and glared at his friend. “What on Earth would make you think I would leave work to go waste time at a bar?”
“Aw c’mon Edgey, it’ll be fun! Maybe we can finally get that rod out of your ass.”
Edgeworth fixed Larry with the iciest glare he could muster. “No. Now go away please.”
Larry turned to Phoenix, who was leaning against the bookshelf that lined the right wall. “Nick, help me out here man!”
“Hey it was your idea.”
"If you'll excuse me." Edgeworth got up and picked up a pile of papers. He brushed past the two, but didn't get to go through the door. This was because he had a pillowcase deftly slipped over his head.
"What are you doing?" He asked darkly.
"Abducting you." Larry said plainly. "Clearly we should have thought this through more."
"We?" Phoenix interjected as he pulled the pillowcase off Edgeworth's head.
"Okay, plan B!" Larry retrieved a sock full of sand from his jacket.
"What?! You can't bludgeon Edgeworth!" Phoenix yanked it out of Larry's hand. "Why do you even have these things?!" The second question was promptly ignored as Larry swished directly in front of Edgeworth and held out his leg for the man to trip on. Edgeworth looked down at the leg, up at Larry's determined face, and let out a big sigh.
"Fine."
"SUCCESS!" Larry cheered.
The bar Larry had selected was a dark, dingy and somewhat reputable little joint that (thankfully) was empty. Edgeworth’s disapproval was written plainly across his face the minute he entered the bar.
Phoenix grabbed Larry’s arm and pulled him back a ways from Edgeworth. “This is stupid, Larry. Just because we got Edgeworth to a bar doesn’t mean he’s going to get drunk, you know.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got things covered.”
“Why do I still feel concerned?”
“Look, I called the Barkeep before I dropped over to your office. I got a few things taken care of.”
The look Phoenix gave him was a mixture of horror and disgust, “Oh god, you’re planning to drug him aren’t you?!”
Larry had the sense to look affronted. “Of course not. You wound me, Nick, how could you think such things of me?!”
Phoenix still looked skeptical, “Well, what did you get ‘taken care of’ then?”
“I just told her to give him a double of what he orders, and to replace anything low alcohol with the strongest stuff she’s got!”
Larry sat waiting for praise regarding his “brilliant” plan. But Phoenix just stared. “That’s pretty devious, Larry, I’ll give you that. Wait, you called ahead? How long have you been planning this”
“Since this morning.”
Phoenix sighed, “I think it’s better for my sanity if I stop asking questions at this point.”
Edgeworth’s voice drifted over from his place at a barstool. “If you two are done whispering amongst yourselves…”
Phoenix ran a hand through his spikes, looking suitably embarrassed. “Sorry, Edgeworth, we’re coming.”
A few minutes passed and Edgeworth either didn't seem to notice, or didn't really care about the changes in his drink orders. Phoenix held an untouched beer in his hand. Nobody had said a word to one another since they had sat down, and Edgeworth was looking ready to go home.
"So, hey, Edgey." Larry finally spoke up. "What does a guy like you do in his spare time?"
Edgeworth looked at him coldly before answering. "I don't have any spare time."
"Well supposing you did." Larry replied, eager to break the silence.
Phoenix sipped on his beer and made a face, then sniffed the top of the bottle. He wasn't even aware beer could go sour. His doubts on the cleanliness of this place were not at all being eased.
"I read." Edgeworth answered stiffly, and then went to his drink, just so Larry wouldn't ask him any more questions. While Edgeworth couldn't see him, Larry flashed Phoenix a thumbs up.
Some more time passed, and finally Nick got up and walked over to Larry.
"This isn't working, Larry." He declared. "Let's just go home." Just as he said that the right eye on Edgeworth's stone cold face twitched and his head slammed onto the table.
"That's it?" Larry was obviously disappointed.
"There, see? Now can we just go." Phoenix grumbled. Edgeworth's head popped back up and he made a single definitive statement.
"I need to get laid."
"SCORE!" Larry cheered. Phoenix rolled his eyes. "Wait, boy laid or girl laid?" Larry felt the need to clarify. Edgeworth had to give this some thought.
"Girl laid." He answered.
"SCORE!" Larry cheered again. He moved to help Edgeworth up, but he was a bit unstable from the fair amount of beer he’d imbibed. After a minute or so of futile attempts, Larry managed to get Edgeworth standing (although it was closer to wobbling in place).
Edgeworth managed to articulate fairly well when drunk, as there was no slur in his speech. “Where are we again?”
Larry grinned at his friend. "You wanted to get laid, remember?”
“Right.” Edgeworth grinned at his friend, and Phoenix was sure that somewhere a bag of puppies had just been drowned.
Larry pulled his arm away from its fairly important task of keeping Edgeworth standing erect and pointed to the door. “TO THE LADIES!”
Edgeworth poorly imitated the action, “Yes, to the ladies!” He attempted to wobble forward but fell flat on his face.
Phoenix stood over Larry as the latter tried to help Edgeworth back to his feet. “This is a bad idea, Lar.”
“Aw, c’mon, Nick. This is the only chance we’ll ever get to help Edgey lose his virginity!”
“…Somehow I doubt Edgeworth’s a virgin…”
“Well, you are, dude.”
“Hey! My first girlfriend tried to poison me, then frame me for murder, and my second one was bludgeoned over the head with a clock!”
“Psh, you don’t need a girlfriend to have sex, Nicky.”
“…You are such a chauvinist pig, Larry.”
“Yeah well…you’re a total girl when you're drunk!”
Phoenix ignored Larry’s last feeble attempt at an argument and looked around. “Hey, Larry? Where’s Edgeworth?”
“Uh…” Larry similarly scanned the bar for their cravat-clad friend. “Dunno, he was here a second ago. Oh God, Nick! He’s out there somewhere alone and horny!" Larry fiercely grabbed the lapels of Phoenix's jacket. "What if he gets into trouble?! What if he gets himself hurt?! What if-"
A gurgle caused them both to look down at the floor. Edgeworth lay where he had fallen earlier, half conscious.
Larry put a hand over his heart theatrically. “There he is.”
Phoenix groaned and buried his head in his hands.
"You know what I've always wanted to do?" Edgeworth said into Nick's ear. He was currently using the man for support.
"A Japanese school girl?" Larry replied. Nick rolled his eyes.
"No. I've always wanted to do something stupid." Edgeworth answered. "My whole life, I've never done anything stupid. Well except for the whole von Karma debacle. That was pretty stupid, but I mean on purpose."
"You let Larry get you drunk. That was pretty stupid." Phoenix offered.
"On purpose, Nick." Edgeworth restated. It was very odd to hear Larry's version of his name coming from his crooked cravat friend. Especially when he said it so familiarly.
"Right." Phoenix sighed.
"I want to go egg the judge's house, or drive really fast and hit mail boxes with a bat." Edgeworth smirked.
"I don't think any of us are in any condition to drive." Phoenix replied. "And I really doubt any taxi driver is going to help knock over mail boxes."
"Egging houses it is, then!" Larry exclaimed.
"YAY!" Edgeworth cheered.
"Do we even know where the judge lives?" Phoenix asked as he leaned against the doorway of a gas station's mini-mart. Edgeworth and Larry were fumbling about inside.
"Sure I do!" Edgeworth answered.
"They don't have eggs!" Larry announced. Nick almost sighed in relief. "But they do have Debbie Cakes!"
"And bourbon!" Edgeworth cheered.
"Oh lord…" Phoenix grumbled.
Phoenix was the one left carrying the boxes of snack cakes and a bottle of bourbon so large it must have been novelty gag of some sort. Ahead of him, his friends were laughing and Edgeworth had a thick metal pipe resting on his shoulder. He'd decided that even if he couldn't do it from sixty miles an hour, beating up a mailbox would still be loads of fun.
The judge's house was a nice one and, thankfully, all the lights were off. If they just kept quiet then maybe-
"WEEEHOO!" Edgeworth bull-rushed the mailbox and whanged it with the pipe. He then proceeded to laugh maniacally, leaving Larry and Nick equally disturbed.
"I think they're having a snowball fight down in hell." Nick stated once the shock had faded.
"Aw," Larry draped an arm across Nick's shoulders. "Look at how happy he is. We did a good thing here, Nick." Edgeworth had managed to knock the mailbox off the post and chased it while it skidded down the sidewalk. Then he proceeded to club it like a baby seal. Nick was about to say something contrary to Larry’s statement, but flashing red and blue lights and a blaring siren interrupted him. The police car pulled to a stop beside the men, but Edgeworth didn't let up on his mailbox beat down.
"What's going on here, pal?" Asked a confused Detective Gumshoe as he stepped out of the car.
"Oh, thank God." Nick huffed a sigh of relief. "Listen, Detective, Edgeworth's just blowing off some steam." He started to explain. Gumshoe was a little too stunned by his hero's sudden explosion of hatred towards an inanimate object to really hear what was being said.
"DICK!" Edgeworth yelled happily, dropped the pipe, and ran over to tackle the man in a hug. This did not leave poor Gumshoe any less confused, and, in fact, probably made him more so. Edgeworth pulled away, but kept his hands on the detective's arms and put on a serious face. "I need you to do me a favor, Detective." He said sternly. "I need you to arrest me."
"What?!" Both Gumshoe and Nick yelled at the same time and with about the same level of surprise.
"I just vandalized private property and I need to be arrested." Edgeworth replied right before he got a big stupid smile on his face. "Plus I always wanted to ride in the back of one of those things."
"Uh…well, okay, Mr. Edgeworth." Gumshoe scratched the back of his head.
"YAY!" Edgeworth cheered.
Phoenix found himself staring at a familiar blank cement wall. Edgeworth was the one that wanted to be arrested but it was Larry and him that actually ended up in a cell. Plus, considering how his one phone call had turned out, he was sure to meet the wrath of Mia anytime now.
He wasn’t disappointed. Far too quickly he heard the sure footsteps of his late mentor echoing down the hall.
Mia rounded the corner, giving Phoenix a flat glare. “Phoenix, you have exactly three seconds to tell me why you are in jail again.”
Phoenix quickly defended himself, “It wasn’t my fault this time…or Larry’s actually.”
“Then WHY are you here?”
Phoenix could only point helplessly at Edgeworth, who was by the guard’s desk. He was sitting on top of Detective Gumshoe’s shoulders shouting rather drunkenly. “I AM KING OF THE PUDDING MOUNTAIN! BOW TO ME!”
“Um…Mr. Edgeworth? Can I put you down now? My shoulders are hurting…”
Mia stared at Edgeworth for a minute before turning back to glare at Phoenix. “How exactly did Mr. Edgeworth end up like that, Phoenix?”
Phoenix quickly pointed at Larry. “Contagious stupidity.”
Larry was sober enough to know he was being blamed for something and quickly retaliated, “Hey, I resent that Nicky!”
Mia just buried her head in her hands and groaned. “I’ll go pay bail.”
After a few minutes Mia returned with one of the guards, who unlocked the cell.
Phoenix grinned at Mia gratefully before turning and looking at Edgeworth. “Well, I guess we should take him home before he causes any more damage…”
Mia had a trace of a chuckle in her voice as she spoke, “Actually this is kind of amusing.”
“Not, you too, Chief…”
“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Phoenix.”
Gumshoe staggered over with Edgeworth still on his shoulders. “I really think you guys should take Mr. Edgeworth home.”
Mia fished out twenty dollars and handed it to Gumshoe, who grabbed it in a flash and stuffed it into a pocket, dropping Edgeworth in the process. “Thanks pal, I’ll just…leave you guys here.”
Mia smirked triumphantly at Phoenix as Gumshoe quickly left the premises. “So, what’s the game plan now?”
"Well, at first we were trying to get him laid," Larry explained. “But then we figured if he gets any weird unexplainable diseases, he might actually murder us. So now we're just seeing if we can get him to take off all his clothes and streak through the courtroom."
"That's terrible. How could you take advantage of your best friend like that?" Mia crossed her arms.
"Because he's an ass?" Larry replied.
"Works for me." Mia smiled. "Let's ride!" She pointed triumphantly at the door and grabbed Edgeworth by the arm as she passed him in her march towards it.
"Rock on!" Larry threw his fists into the air and cheered. Phoenix just sighed.
As they walked Edgeworth regaled them in song. It was Italian, and he couldn't hit all the notes, but it wasn't like the drunken slush that most would sing in his state. This was good, since he had one arm slung over Mia's shoulders so that he could walk, and as a result his mouth was very close to her ear. Between lyrics he'd take a swig from the half full bottle of bourbon. Looking very determined, Phoenix marched up next to him and took the bottle. Then drank a quarter of it in a series of long gulps. He was sent into a coughing fit shortly after.
"Alright! Nick's joining the party!" Larry cheered.
"Really?" Mia lifted an eyebrow.
"If we're breaking and entering I am not gonna be anywhere near sober for it." Phoenix declared.
"No breaking." Edgeworth smirked and dug into his pocket. "Just entering." He pulled out a set of keys.
Phoenix looked at the keys and back at Edgeworth’s smirking face. “Dare I ask why you have the keys to the courtroom, Edgeworth?”
“I come here at odd hours of the night to use the reading room sometimes. They finally just gave me a key rather than opening up the stuff for me.”
It took Edgeworth a couple of minutes to get the door open, as his hand-eye co-ordination had suffered the worst of his drinking. After performing a wobbly celebratory jig, Edgeworth led the others into the closest courtroom, half walking on his own, half leaning on Phoenix, who was now starting to show the effects of mild inebriation.
Once inside the courtroom proper, Edgeworth pulled away from Phoenix and wobbled over to the prosecutor’s bench.
Larry leaned against the witness stand, pumping his fists and shouting, “STRIP! STRIP!”
Mia rolled her eyes. “This isn’t a strip club, you know…”
“Still funny.”
Phoenix looked up from the remains of the bourbon bottle. “Not really, Lar. It’d be funnier if he had Shteel Shamurai boxers on or shomtin’…”
All three pairs of eyes turned back to Edgeworth’s location at the shout of “OBJECT UP IN YO’ FACE!” Edgeworth had stripped down to only his cravat and a pair of Steel Samurai boxers, which sent Nick and Larry into peals of drunken hysterical laughter.
“What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?!”
The Judge stood at his normal position at the bench, but was dressed in a pair of fluffy blue pajamas instead of his normal judge robes. The absurdity of his appearance was mitigated by the severe expression on his face.
“How dare you bring a hooker into this sacred hall of judgment!”
Mia looked affronted. “Hey!”
Larry waved the bottle of bourbon (that he’d snatched from Phoenix) at the Judges bench. “You can’t talk to Edgey like that, Ugdey!”
Phoenix stood up and shouted in a voice normally reserved for ‘Objections’, “CHEESE IT!”
Mia and Phoenix quickly headed for the door, followed by Larry. Edgeworth attempted to escape but fell off of the Prosecutor’s stand and had to be dragged out by Mia and Phoenix.
The judge blinked and shook his head, bewildered. “This is the last time I sleep in the courthouse after a fight with the Mrs.”
Larry was long gone by the time Mia and Phoenix got Edgeworth out of the courthouse. It was a long trek back to Edgeworth’s apartment, as he was still unconscious and Phoenix was just drunk enough to not be of much help. Luckily, Phoenix knew where Edgeworth kept his spare key so they didn’t have to endure the embarrassment of going down and asking for it.
After dumping Edgeworth on his bed, Phoenix sat down in one of the living room chairs. “Well, that was one hell of a night…dunno if I feel like hiking back to my place though…”
Mia’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Fine, I'll just leave you here.”
“Thanks, Chief.”
“Phoenix I was being-“
She sighed as she saw Phoenix had fallen asleep on her. She stared at him for a minute before a decidedly wicked grin crossed her face.
Phoenix was awakened the next morning by a pack of frozen peas thrown on his face. Tearing them off, Phoenix found himself blearily looking at one pissed off Miles Edgeworth (still in nothing but a cravat and underwear) holding his pants.
Phoenix feebly tried to smile, “ ‘morning Edgeworth. What was with the bag of frozen peas?”
“I wanted to stop your incessant snoring without damaging my upholstery. Wright, I don’t know what you did, or why my head hurts like hell, but I do know that I’m wearing nothing but my cravat and my underwear and I want to stab you in the eye with a pen.”
“…Could you maybe direct those feelings somewhere else? Maybe at Larry?”
Edgeworth rolled his eyes. “Please, Wright. We both know Larry’s an unmitigated idiot.”
“Still his fault.”
“Out, Wright.”
“But-“
“NOW!”
Phoenix made a quick dash for the door. As it slammed in his face Phoenix shouted, “Can I at least have my pants back?”
One of the occupants of the apartment complex turned down the hall to her apartment after walking her dog to be greeted with an odd sight; a man standing outside one of the apartments without pants.
The man turned and tried to be nonchalant. “Hey there!”
The woman and her dog walked into their apartment without giving the man a second glance. Phoenix shrugged, huffed a sigh, and started the long trek home.
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Reviews are welcomed and appreciated

(thanks to
Vickinator for the awesome sig and avatar.)