Gintama Episode 1 Script
Characters on screen: Gintama
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Samurai A: Now, we do this fair and square.
Gin: Heh. Fair?
Characters on katana hilt: Lake Touya
Gin: Don't make me laugh.
Samurai A: He's running! He turned tail and ran!
Samurai B: After him!
Gin: *pant* In this modern age, sword fighting isn't the right thing to do, you know.
Characters on-screen: Sakata Gintoki
Announcer: Sakata Gintoki. His trademark is his naturally curly hair, and he loves sweet things. He's something like the hero of this story.
Gin: <grunt>
Samurai A/B/C/D: <charging shout>
Gin: Sorry, but there's something I wanna watch on TV at four.
Samural A/B/C/D: <deep, verbal gasp>
Shinpachi: Gin-saaaan!!
Gin: Shinpachi?
Shinpachi: Gin-san! H-Help me!!
Characters on-screen: Shimura Shinpachi
Announcer: Shimura Shinpachi, the straight man. He works under Gintoki to learn the way of the samurai.
Gin: Hey, why're you letting them chase you, ya lump?
Shinpachi: I'm not LETTING them chase me!
Gin: Anywho, let's get out of here!
Samurai A:After them! Get'em!
Samurai A: Hm hm hm hm... We've got you now-
Kagura: Gin-chan, it's not over here!
Symbols on screen: Kagura
Announcer: Kagura, a member of the universe's strongest race, the Yato Clan. Despite her cute exterior, she's got quite a sharp tongue.
Samurai A: *hurt* um..
Samurai A: What the hell is this?
Characters on screen: Sadaharu
Announcer: Sadaharu,Kagura's pet, is a mysterious giant space monster.
Gin: Look around you! There's something big going on here.
Shinpachi: K-Kagura-san, you'd better run!
Kagura: Hmm?
Samurai A/B/C/D/E/F: *growl menacingly*
Kagura: If we don't hurry, we'll miss the show!
Kagura:Hey, wait for me!
All characters above: *yelling at eachother randomly*
Kagura: Hey,stop it!
Shinpachi: I-It's a dead end!
All samurai: *panting*
Samurai A: *exhausted* We've finally cornered you!
Gin: What do you mean? We let you corner us.
Kagura: Be thankful!
Samurai B: What the hell? Are you being a sore loser? Do you think we're idiots? You led us all around town!
Samurai C: Just who are you, anyway?
Samurai D: You're probably spies, sent to steal our secrets!
Samurai A: We'll ask you one more time before cutting you to shreds: who the hell are you people?
Gin: Who are we? Well, I suppose we have no choice. We'll tell you!
Shinpachi: We'll do anything at all, from domestic work to finding a missing person!
Kagura: If you need anything, just come to us!
Gin: Be it everything or nothing, we'll do anything that gets us paid!
Gin, Kagura, Shinpachi: We're Gin-chan's Yorozuya!
Samurai D: Yorozuya? That means you'll do anything for money?
Samurai A: Sosomeone hired you to sneak into our secret base and...
Random cat: *meows*
Gin, Kagura, and Shinpachi: Oh!
Kagura: There it is!
Shinpachi: There's no mistaking it, that's the Yamatoyas' cat, Kuromi-chan!
Kagura: Come on, there's a good cat. I'll give you a treat!
Gin and Shinpachi: *grunts as they dive for the cat*
Gin: Wait up, you stinking cat!
Samurai A: They were looking for a cat...!?
Gin: *shouts in painas he gets hit by a truck*
<Cue opening sequence>
Shinpachi (as announcer): The Land of the Samurai. It's been quite a while since our country has been called that.
Shinpachi (as announcer): Twenty years ago, a race called the Amanto seized power and established a prohibition on all swords. The samurai now tread a fine legal line. In this age, there's a man who still possesses the soul of the samurai. His name is Sakata Gintoki. My name's Shimura Shinpachi, and I've been on all sorts of adventures while working at the Yorozuya, the Gintama.
Shinpachi (as announcer): Isuppose it's been a year now since i started working for him along with Kagura-chan, but I don't think I've been paid once. *sighs*
Characters on screen: You lowlifes! How dare you call yourselves Gintama?!
???:Kariya-sama has arrived!
Kariya: Yo!
Shikei and Buu: Yo!
Kariya:I can't hear you! Yo!
Shikei and Buu: Yo!
Kariya: You're still not loud enough! Want to do it again!?
Ronin: We haven't much time.
Kariya: I see.
Characters on screen (left): Kariya
Characters on screen (right): Ronin
Announcer: These are today's guest characters.
Characters on screen (left): Shikei
Characters on screen (right): Buu
Announcer: They are certainly not regulars.
Shikei: Well, well, Kariya-sama.
Buu: Shanksh fer comin' all dish way.
Kariya: Stop with the formalities. Shikei, how is the matter proceeding?
Shikei: Yes! It's going very well! Please take a good look at this proposal.
Kariya: *reading aloud* The first party, henceforth referred to as "the planners," shall hereby requisition-
Kariya: *interrupts himself, angry* I don't know what the hell this means!!
Kariya: *still angry* Is this some kind of legal bullshit!?
*random applause*
Shikei: Please forgive me.
Characters on screen: Shinsengumi.
Announcer: The Shinsengumi, the Shogunate's special police force.
Characters on screen: Hijikata Toushirou
Announcer: The vice captain, Hijikata, is the brains.
Characters on screen: Okita Sougou
Announcer: While Okita is the greatest swordsman in the nation.
hijikata: Yamazaki, what's the situation?
Yamakazi: They're meeting on the third floor. Of the four, there's one Amanto, two businessmen, and one tough-looking ronin.
Hijikata: Just how I like it. let's go.
Shikei: We've just finished exporting the Amanto machinery that we managed to acquire thanks to you, Kariya-sama. All that remains is to take care of that one point.
Kariya: *Hmph* If this plan succeeds, Edo will particularly be under my control.
Shikei: That's right, Kariya-sama.
Shikei and Kariya: *laughing drunkily*
Hijikata: Search the whole building!
Man A: It's the Shinsengumi!
Hijikata: Sougou, come on!
Hijikata: Shinsengumi! Hmm...?
Hijikata: Tch.
Sougou (thinking): Goodbye, Vice Captain. Why don't you suck on some mayonnaise in the afterlife?
Hijikata (after dodging the Bazooka, calmly): Good lord, just what do you think you're doing?
Hijikata (irritated): Are you trying to kill me?!
Sougou (calmly): Oh, no. It was just a joke. A joke!
Sougou: I'm always doing it, aren't I?
Hijikata: you're always trying to kill me?
Sougou:Anyway, Hijikata-san, this was a total miss, wasn't it?
Hijikata: No, not completely.
Characters on sign: Yorozuya
Gin: Ugh... I'm getting too old to read Jump. It's just... there's something that draws me to it.
Kagura: You should stop it, Gin-chan. Reading that won't fill your stomach. Your blood sugar is gonna drop.
Gin: Even so, it's kind of an addiction. I keep saying that I'll stop after the next one.
Shinpachi: Gin-san, this isn't looking good.
Gin: Yeah, I know. It's no good to be reading Jump at my age.
Kagura: That's true, the rice ball you roll taste terrible.
Shinpachi (irritated): I don't mean either of those!
Shinpachi: I'm talking about this!
Gin: Our checkbook?
Kagura: Don't make fun of me. You can't eat a thing like that.
Shinpachi (irritated again): Well, if we don't pay more attention to it, we're not even going to be eating rice! We haven't had a decent job in months! They're gonna throw us out!We even took that cat job for free, right!?
Gin: Don't worry. What are you,some tantrum-throwing brat who forgot to buy his Jump? having nomoney's like a sinus infection. You just have to ignore it and not pick at it, and it'll go away.
Shinpachi: What are you talking about? I'm not talking about Jump! We're in a real pickle! We're on the edge here! We won't be able to eat anything but bread crusts, starting tomorrow.
Gin: That's...
kagura: A sinus infection?
Shinpachi:It's an earthquake, dummy!
Gin: Looks like it stopped.
Shinpachi: There sure have been a lot of earthquakes lately.
Gin: Yeah. The earth's rowdier than a group of five high school guys living under the same roof.
Kagura: It's just not normal, is it?
Gin: Well, it happens in Jump.
Kagura: Is that a customer?
Gin: No way, it's probably someone selling newspapers or something.
Gin: Shinpachi,if it's anyone other than the Nikkei,tell them that's what we get and send him away.
Kagura: And if it is the Nikkei, turn him away gently like the rising sun.
Shinpachi: Right, right, I'm coming. We already have a newspaper.
Shinpachi: Umm...
Katou:I heard that this is the place that'll do anything you ask.
Shinpachi (surprised):AAAHHH!!
Kagura(distant): Shinpachi,what are you doing? If you don't hurry, my show's gonna start without you.
Katou: I heard you were the Yorozuya.
Kagura (surprised): AAAHHH!!
Gin: Jesus, man, is he really being so forceful? If he's not backing off, just say you'll kick his ass and-
Katou (interrupting Gin): This IS the Yorozuya, isn't it?
Gin (surprised): AAAHHH!!
Shinpachi: AHH!!(short)
Kagura: AHH!! (short)
Gin:AHH!! (short)
Katou:Hello? Hello? Are you there?
Gin:You, it can't be! You're... a customer!?
Characters on screen: Katou Ken
Announcer:Katou Ken. This is Katou Ken, a ronin and this episode's client.
Katou: Let me introduce myself. My name is Katou Ken. I've been a ronin for the last few days.
Gin (whispering): Hey, what the heck is going on here?
Kagura(whispering): To think that two clients would come in clost intervals... This can't be happening!
Shinpachi (nervous): H-Here's your tea.
Katou: *yelps in pain as hot tea splashes on him.*
katou: Umm...
Kagura: If this is a joke, I'm gonna tear you a new one.
Shinpachi: What?Are youpicking a fight with a customer!?
Gin: And what does this request entail?
Katou: Well, I'd like to find something that I've lost, something important to me that I have lost track of completely.
Shinpachi: Um... what is it that you've lost?
Katou:Well,I could get it back if I had about thirty million yen-
Kagura (irritated, interrupting Katou): Stupid baldy! Did you alreadyforget that i said I'd kick your ass if this was a joke!?
gin: Good grief, every time we think we can reach out and touch it, it slips through our fingers.
Shinpachi (irritated): So that's the cause? That hand gambled away our finances!
Katou (nervous): But I thought that you would accept any job at all.
Kagura (angry): We can't even pay our rent here! Who the hell do you think you are, bringing your bald head in here with a shitty little offer like that!?
Gin: Calm down, you two. Anyway,what did you intend to do with that money?
Katou: Well yousee, a month ago, i was fired from the Madogiwa Group and became unemployed.
katou: Then, three weeks ago,I got caught up in a scam and my house got taken away.
Katou: Then, two weeks ago, my wife and daughter left me without even leaving a note.
Katou: Then, one week ago...
Gin, Kagura, and Shinpachi: *groans loudly and quite irritated*
Shinpachi (Irritated): Why did you have to stop right at the most important part? It's driving me crazy!What happened a week ago that could top the numerous misfortunes you've endured over the past month!?
Kagura: What happened a week ago!?
Katou: Do you want to hear the rest?
kagura: What's all this about hearing the rest after we complete the job?
Shinpachi: Well, I doubt we'll ever be able to finish it in the first place.
Katou: Um... where are you going?
Gin: Well, it'd be best to get the money as quickly as possible, right?
Otose:Oh, welcome... Oh, it's just you.
Characters on screen: Otose
Announcer: This is Otose-san. She runs Otose's SnackShop and is the Gin-chan's Yorozuya landlord.
Otose: I see.
Catherine: If there were a way to make that kind of cash ina hurry, there's be no thieves in this world!
Kagura: You're the thief!
Shinpachi: Indeed.
Characters on screen: Catherine
Announcer: This is Catherine, an employee at Otose's Snack Shop. She came to Earth to earn money.
Otose: Well, it's not like there aren't any options.
Characters on sign: Black Market Clinic
Doctor: Well,what'll it be?
katou:Well, I...
Otose:Youve got two of all of them, so just give one up! Just do it, if you've got any balls.
Shinpachi: This is no good.
Gin: God,you're really not as resourceful as you say. Would anyone really be prepared to give up one of their organs for a bit of money?
Shinpachi: There's no way. There's no way anyone sane would do it!
Ayame: Oh hello, everyone. Fancy meeting you here.
Characters on screen: Sarutori Ayame
Announcer: Sarutori Ayame, a.k.a. Sacchan. A former member of the Oniwaban castle guards, an elite ninja.
Ayame: Huh? A way to get lots of money really fast?
Shinpachi: Sacchan-san, put on your glasses. You're really bothering the other customers. I don't mind if we're the same type of character.
Ayame: What's that? I don't care a lick about you. The only one I care about is...
Ayame: You, Gin-san.
Shinpachi: I'm telling you, put on your glasses!
Ayame: I see. So the money wasn't a dowry for us, Gin-san.
Gin: Why would I love you? You can't even have a lover in your profession.
Ayame: Cold as usual, I see. But i won't give up even after such a warning.
Gin: Hey, what's that bean paste for, anyway? If you intend to seduce me with it, you're way off-base, you know.
Ayame: Do you think that pushing me away is going to make me happy?
Gin: Just do something about it, you bean-woman!
Ayame: *screams lightly*
Ayame: That's right, You're absolutely right. That's what I want, it's my passion. It's what turns me on!
Shinpachi (nose plugged): What's with this? It stinks!
Kaguya (nose plugged): The smell of bean paste turns her on?
Shikei and Buu: Katou. *giggles*
Buu: Yo, Katou, you been doing well?
Katou: Ah, well...
Shikei: Isn't this terrible? Well, you've got to be careful when applying your seal to a document like that.
Buu: Well, it looks like you've been having trouble even beyond that, haven't you?
Katou: Eh, how did you know?
Shikei: *laughs a bit* Anyway, what are you up to these days.
Katou: Ah, this and that, with the goal of buying back my house.
Buu: Buying back? That'll never happen.
Shikei: After all, that's our-
Buu (interrupts Shikei): Hey.
Shikei: Oh, that's right!
Buu: Well, if you get a house, let me know. I'll at least send a New Year's card.
Shikei (distant): *laughs* Go take a bath! See you next week!
Ayame: Hey, you.
Katou: Yeah?
Ayame: Change your request. If you want me to assassinate them, just say the word. I'm a killer by trade, after all.
Kaguya: Let's kill 'em! We should throw 'em into the river right here and now!
Katou: No, wait.
Katou: I'll change the terms of our agreement, but not to an assassination.
Katou: I want to be stronger.
Ayame, Kaguya, and Shinpachi: No problem!
Gin: Hey, you guys.
Gin: Well, whatever. At any rate, raise his hit points another hundred or so.
Shinpachi: So where are you going, Gin-san?
Gin: Well, I've got my own business to take care of.
Hijikata: There you have it.
Isao: Oh, so this is the blueprint?
Characters on screen: Kondo Isao
Announcer: Kondo Isao. He's the terrifying captain of the shinsengumi.
Isao: By the way, Hijikata,
Isao: I don't understand one bit of it.
Hijikata (irritated): I've been talking for ten minutes about how it's a bluepring for an Amanto machine, Kondo-san.
Isao: Oh yes, that's right. Some kind of machine, is it?
Hijikata: So there's someone here in Edo who wants to use that device to power some evil machination.
Isao: But wait...
isao: What's an evil machination?
Hijikata (yelling, irritated): Haven't you been listening to me!?
Gin (thinking): Amanto Embassy...
Katsura: Gintoki...
Gin: Zura?
Katsura: It's not Zura, it's Katsura.
Characters on screen: Katsura Kotarou
Announcer: Katsura Totarou, a political activist. He has vowed to drive the alien Amanto from the city of Edo.
Characters on screen: Elizabeth
Announcer: Elizabeth. What the hell is this?
Katsura: Gintoki, what are you doing in a place like this?
Gin: Well, I suppose I'm doing something odd, like jogging or taking a walk or something like that.
Katsura: That's fine, then.
Gin: What's the meaning of this?
Katsura: There have been some strange rumors floating around.
Gin: Rumors?
Katsura: Rumors that there's an Amanto who wishes to destroy Edo in its entirety.
Gin: Why would an Amanto want to do that?
Katsura: I don't know, but it's only a matter of bringing divine retribution to them.
Katsura: Gintoki, i don't know what you're up to, but you'd best be careful doing it. The Amanto Embassy is considered an entirely different nation.
Gin: A different nation, eh?
Gin: Well, I'll have to be careful, then. See ya, Zura.
Katsura: It's not Zura, it's Katsura.
Gin: Is that kind of hat in style?
Kagura: HAAAAIII-YAAAAAA!!!
kagura: Now you try.
Shinpachi: He can't do that!
Kagura: What are you talking about? It's easy! Allyouhave to do is concentrate. Mind over matter.
Shinpachi: I don't even know what you mean.
Shinpachi: At any rate, come at me, if you would.
Katou: Well then...
Katou: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ACK!!
Gin: Why are you hiding your eyes like that? Have you been up all night playing Tetris?
Shishimura: The game's just about to begin.
Gin: Stop it. If you swing something like that around, someone might get hurt.
Shishimura (thinking): He noticed that I have a sword hidden in here?
Gin: I don't really mind. But would you please tell me why you're after me?
Shishimura: Don't make me laugh! I know that you've been snooping around this neighborhood!
Gin: No, that wasn't me. That was Zura.
Shishimura: No more talking.
Gin: An earthquake?
Shishimura: HEEEEEIIIYAAAA!!
Katou: YAAAAA!!
Shinpachi: You're wide open!!
Shinpachi: Do youreally think you can *pause* get any stronger like this!?
Ayame: You're being awfully rough.
Shinpachi: Ah... I'm so sorry! Are you all right?
Katou: Uhh...
Kaguya: Stand up! Stand, Katoken!
Kaguya: Allright,you just have to keep your hands close to you, coiled uplike a spring,and strike, strike, STRIKE!
Shinpachi: Wait, that's how to jab, isn't it? That's for tomorrow. That has nothing to do with swordsmanship.
Kaguya: Cross into the river of pain!
Ayame: Well, it looks like it's my turn.
Ayame: I'll make you stronger!
Ayame (blushing): Stronger!
Katou: L-Like this?
Ayame (blushing): More! More!
Katou (blushing): Right.
Ayame (blushing): Right, that's it!
Katou (blushing): Like this!?
(Shinpachi is now hogtied, hanging from a tree, you dirty monkeys!)
Ayame (back to normal): You have quite a bit of potential.
Shinpachi (irritated): What kind of training is this? What kind of potential does he have!?
Ayame: He could be an S&M Queen.
Shinpachi: He's a guy, isn't he? Anyway, there are more pressing issues at hand!
Kaguya: Ooh, you're taking it pretty well. I'll have to reward you later.
Shinpachi: Just untie me!
Katou: Umm...
Katou: Thank you so much, but that's enough. I'll never be able to get any stronger. I give up.
Shinpachi: Oh, umm...
Katou: Then, if you'll excuse me.
Kaguya: Katoken?
Gin: You ruined my best suit! My mom's gonna have my ass!
Shishimura: Rather than worrying about your clothes, why don't you worry about your life!?
Announcer: Who is Shishimura, the mystery man who attacked Gintoki? And what is Kariya the Amanto plotting? And did Katou really give up?
Announcer: ell then, to those of you in a certain region, see you next week!