Title: Sexy Coffee
Author: Kitty Sneeze (Me, of course!)
Age Rating: T (Sexual themes/mild language)
Length: Oneshot - completed
Genre: Comedy/Romance/Coffee-related mystery!
Pairing: Mia/Diego
Summary: Mia is feeling weird at work one day... can Diego help her figure out why she is acting so weirdly? (Crap summary, I know!!!)

Sexy Coffee

It was morning time at Mia and Diego’s apartment; the sun was shining and the sky was blue. Unfortunately, they were running late for work.

“Kitten, aren’t you going to have any breakfast?” asked Diego.

“No, there’s not enough time! We’re late already!”

“Hmm… well, at least have some coffee before we leave! You haven’t even had anything to drink this morning!”

“Okay, okay… please could you make me some, then?” Mia said, sitting back down at the kitchen table. Diego walked over to his huge shiny coffee maker and opened up his box of coffee blends.

“Is blend #102 alright for you, kitten?” he asked, “I don’t think I’ve tried that one yet, but I’ve got lots left so you may as well taste some for me!”

“Um… okay… they all taste the same to me, though!”

“Kitten, to be a true lover of coffee you need to be able to appreciate the differences in bitterness and richness between different blends! Each one has it’s own unique flavour, you know!”

“Well, maybe my taste buds aren’t as strong as yours! That’s why I’ll never be a coffee-obsessed maniac like you, Diego!”

He smiled at her fondly as he handed her a hot mug of coffee – she would never understand the magic of the coffee bean.

* * *

That morning, Grossberg had arranged a meeting in his office to discuss new legal strategies. But, rather than taking notes as usual, Mia was finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate – instead, she couldn’t take her eyes off of Diego.

“Kitten – are you feeling okay?” he whispered, “You’re staring at me with a very hungry look in your eyes…”

“Huh? Oh! I’m… um… fine…!”

“Miss Fey? Is something the matter?” Grossberg inquired.

Mia shook her head, blushing. She couldn’t exactly tell him what was on her mind right now. In Mia’s opinion, the problem was that Diego was so damn sexy but they were stuck in the middle of a very un-sexy meeting and she couldn’t rip off all his clothes right there and then.

“Are you sure you’re alright, kitten?” Diego was giving her a funny look – she realised she must have been staring at him weirdly.

“Yes! I’m FINE!” she snapped, feeling a little agitated.

The meeting carried on, and Diego’s pencil was soon blunt. As he leant over Mia to get a sharpener, she was suddenly surrounded by the very appealing smell of his aftershave, at the exact moment his leg brushed against hers.

He leaned back; Mia’s heart was beating like crazy.

“Kitten… you really don’t look very well. You’re all tense and you are looking at me really weirdly…”

“Oh! I’m just… uh… feeling a bit unwell,” she lied.

“Would you like to step outside and take a short break from the meeting, Mia?” Grossberg suggested. She nodded and hurried out of the room.

Outside, it was comfortingly cool and quiet, but she couldn’t get rid of the strong desire she had for Diego right now. Mia leaned back against the wall, breathing slowly and trying to compose herself.

“Kitten?”

She realised with a jolt that Diego had come out to see if she was ok.

“What’s the matter with you today?” he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“The matter is that you are so damn sexy and I want you BAD!” said Mia. She clapped a hand over her mouth; she didn’t mean to say that part out loud.

“Whoa, kitten… how about you save that until later, okay? We’re supposed to be in a meeting right now!”

“But… I…”

“Come on, let’s get back in there. And I really hope they can’t all hear us through these walls…”

He opened the door; everyone was staring at them. Grossberg looked shocked, and Robert Hammond looked slightly amused. Mia coughed self-consciously as she sat back down, her face extremely red.

Grossberg cleared his throat. “Well… if you are feeling alright now, Mia, shall we continue?”

* * *

The meeting was over, at long last, and Mia sat alone in her office. Her mind kept straying to Diego, wondering what he was doing right now – why did she feel so turned on just by the thought of him typing up some documents?

Maybe she should sneak into his office and see if he was in the mood to satisfy her desires… then again, he was probably busy working, so he’d probably say no.

She sighed, picking up a pencil and doodling on a scrap piece of paper. She drew Diego, smiling sexily at her from the paper. Then she moved on to his chest – he was topless, of course. And then –

“Kitten, are you drawing a picture of me with no clothes on?” Diego was stood in front of her, and she hadn’t even noticed.

“No! I’m not!” she yelped, screwing up the paper, “I was just… uh… drawing a… car!”

“Didn’t look like a car to me…” he said, then decided not to pursue the drawing any further, since she seemed embarrassed by it, “Anyway, you do realise that it’s our lunch break? Come on, let’s get some food.”

* * *

In Diego’s car, the sexual tension was unbearable; at least, it was for Mia. Diego seemed perfectly relaxed, though, as he drove towards his favourite supermarket.

“So, kitten, what do you want for lunch?”

“I’m not hungry for food,” she said, “I’m only hungry for you!”

She blushed; once again, her mouth seemed to be saying things which she hadn’t even planned to say.

“Right…” he said, “Well… surely you must want some food as well? I mean, you skipped breakfast…”

“No! I don’t want food, I just want you to park your car somewhere, then we can have sex!”

Diego looked startled. “That’s very blunt of you, kitten!”

“I’m sorry… I just keep on saying things…”

“Yes, I noticed that,” he said, “Seriously, what is up with you today, kitten?”

“I really don’t know!” said Mia, “But you look WAY more delicious than any food right now!”

Diego raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’m going to get some chicken salad. You can wait in the car, okay? And don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone!”

“Why would I do something stupid?”

“Well, you’re not exactly acting normal today…”

* * *

He returned to the car to find Mia sprawled out on the back seat in her underwear.

“Come here, Diego!” she said, yanking him by his tie so that he landed on top of her.

“Kitten, come on! We’re in the supermarket car park! This is no time for-”

“Shut up and kiss me!”

* * *

That evening, Mia felt a whole lot more relaxed. Diego decided not to mention the events of that day’s lunchtime, which had involved being yelled at by the car park attendant, and Mia nearly being arrested for indecent exposure if Diego hadn’t put her clothes back on before the attendant called the police.

The next morning, she seemed completely back to normal.

“Coffee, kitten?” he asked.

“Yes please!”

He brewed up another mug of blend #102, which he still hadn’t got around to trying; but from the smell, it seemed like a pretty average coffee, not rich or dark enough for his liking.

“Mmm… I like this blend, you know!” said Mia, gulping it down, “You should make me some every morning!”

* * *

In her office, she just couldn’t concentrate. She accidentally drew Diego on the back of a case file, and had to print out a whole new copy so that no one would see the doodle.

At about eleven, he walked past her office door; probably going to make some coffee. He looked so hot that Mia felt like she might scream and attack him with kisses. Then she came up with an idea; Diego wouldn’t be able to resist giving her what she wanted.

* * *

Mia was sat in Diego’s office chair in her underwear, her back to the door. Luckily she had chosen to wear particularly sexy underwear that day.

The door clicked open.

“Why, hello there, Diego,” said Mia, in what she thought was a low, sexy voice, “I’ve been waiting…”

She spun the chair around, a seductive smile on her face… until she saw Marvin Grossberg standing in front of her.

There was only one thing she could think of to say at that moment.

“Shit.”

* * *

Diego and Mia were in Grossberg’s office – Mia was now fully clothed, of course. She felt a whole lot less horny now, and a whole lot more embarrassed.

“Well, Mia, I really don’t know what to say,” Grossberg sighed, “I didn’t expect this from you, of all people. I ought to fire you, really...”

“Mr Grossberg, you can’t!” Diego butted in, “I know she shouldn’t have… er… taken off her clothes in the workplace, but you can’t sack her!”

“I’m so sorry, Mr Grossberg!” Mia was close to tears, “I just don’t know what came over me!”

“Actually, Mia…” Diego said, sounding curious now, “How come you’ve been so… er… horny these past two days?”

“I don’t know!” she said, “It’s like I haven’t been in control of myself!”

“Hmm… perhaps you were drugged by someone?” said Grossberg, glaring at Diego.

“Hey, I wouldn’t drug Mia! If I wanted her to sleep with me, I’d just ask! I mean… er…” Diego laughed nervously.

“Are you two… an ‘item’?” Grossberg asked, glancing from Mia to Diego and back again.

“Well, duh!” said Mia, “We live together! Didn’t you notice that we both changed our contact details?”

“Hmm, I was slightly suspicious when I saw that you two both had the same address…”

“Anyway!” said Diego, “Mia, there must a be reason for your strange behaviour… maybe you ate something dodgy for breakfast?”

“I didn’t have time for breakfast, remember? All I had in the morning was that coffee… aha! The coffee!”

Diego gasped. “You really think that maybe… blend #102 is what made you horny?”

“Well, it could be!”

“Hmm… I’m going to try some!” Diego rushed off to the coffee maker and returned several minutes later.

“Do you feel any… different?” said Grossberg.

“Um… not really…” Diego mumbled, “Mia, you look so HOT today… wanna go make out in my car?”

“Wow!” Mia laughed, “So it really is the coffee!”

“Perhaps we should test it on someone else as well, just to make sure,” Grossberg said, “Let’s see… who would be willing to try this coffee?”

“I don’t know… ah, Diego, get off!” She slapped away Diego’s hand, which was reaching for the zip on her suit.

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” called Grossberg. The door opened; it was Detective Gumshoe.

“Mr Grossberg, I… uh… got that report from the precinct about… um…”

He was staring at Diego, who had his arms around Mia’s waist and was kissing her neck.

“Diego, stop it!” she hissed.

“But kitten, you’re so sexy and I just want to – oof!” He staggered backwards as she kicked him in the groin; that kept him quiet for a while.

“Thank you, Mr Gumshoe.” Grossberg filed away the report into a desk drawer. “Now… would you care for some coffee?”

“Coffee? Sure! I love coffee, pal! At least, I think I do…”

Mia handed him the mug which Diego had been drinking from; hopefully he wouldn’t notice that half the coffee was already gone.

“Thanks, pal!”

“Please, detective, sit down – we can have a chat about… erm… the police department!” Grossberg said, indicating an empty chair in front of him. Gumshoe sat down and started on the coffee.

* * *

Ten minutes later, it was clear that blend #102 wasn’t any ordinary coffee.

“Come on, pal, let’s go out to my car!” said Gumshoe, looming over Mia, “You’re so hot… I just wanna take off all your clothes, y’know?”

Diego punched him in the face.

* * *

Eventually they’d called in Robert Hammond to stop Diego and Gumshoe from fighting over Mia, and sent Gumshoe back to the precinct.

“So… this coffee has rather unusual properties,” said Grossberg, “I supposed this is the reason for your odd behaviour in yesterday’s meeting, Mia?”

“Yes, I think so,” she said, “So… you’re not going to fire me after all?”

“Well, you are hardly to blame for this coffee’s influence on you, my dear,” Grossberg replied, “You can keep your job, of course… although I don’t suppose you have any of that coffee to spare?”

“Sure I do!” said Diego, who was now recovering from the coffee’s effects.

“Well, may I have some? Just for… experimental purposes, you know…” said Grossberg, blushing.

Mia fought back the urge to laugh; she really didn’t want to imagine a horny Mr Grossberg. Or maybe he was planning to give some to his wife…?

* * *

“So, kitten, what should we do with the rest of the coffee?” Diego asked as they drove home in his car.

“Maybe we should get rid of it,” said Mia, “After all, it’s just caused trouble!”

“Unless…” said Diego, “We both drink it at the same time…”

“Hmm, sounds like a plan!”

They didn’t get much sleep that night…

THE END

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Hahaha this is a great story, very funny! Horny Grossberg = not a nice thought!!!

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Thanks May Grey!



Urgh I know what you mean! Horny Diego, on the other hand....
xxx

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you rock!
You should write more funny stuff liek this

Mmmm, horny Diego...

Umm, anyway, this was awesome! I almost died of laughter when Mia was in her underwear and Grossberg walked in on her, oh my god!! There were so many lines in this fic that made me LOL. Fantastic job!

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That was so hilarious! Wonder who Grossberg fell for though. That would be even worse than falling for I bet.

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Funny creative, cool to read and nice title.

This is hilarious! MAKE A SEQUAL!

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Lmao, That's the kind of stupidity I'd expect from the Judge too! Great story, very funny and of course I love the pairing, too! I love your fanfics Kitty, write even more of them!

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Thankyou so much everyone Your comments mean a lot to me ^^
xxx

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