Jokes?

[yamineco]

Spoiler: management lesson

Pay attention!
Your management course
Management Lessons

Lesson One

A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow & asked him, "Can I also sit like you & do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson? Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Here endeth your management course.

I got this from a friend via e-mail, but her version consist of 6 lessons.

Here goes..

Spoiler: space saver

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

M!oral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when ! they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

The other 3 are already mentioned by Sister White. =D

[Caelestis]

Hah! These are pretty funny!

I have a reallllly old one that I'm sure everyone has heard of, but it's still pretty funny. For people who are total pro-Hilary Clinton, you may be offended. I would use a random lady, but I'm kind of a feminist, so that would be a wee bit hypocritical of me

Spoiler: I used PW Characters!

There were five people on an airplane that's about to crash. However, there are only four parachutes. The first person is a mayor of a town.
I should have a parachute because I'm mayor and my people rely on me for support. I still have great ideas for helping my city.
So he gets a parachute and jumps. The second person is a professor.
I teach a very difficult subject; my students rely on me to help them through their studies
So she gets a parachute and jumps. The third person is Hilary Clinton
I'm Hilary Clinton; I'm very intelligent and have a lot to offer!
And she gets a parachute and jumps
The last people are an old man and a young boy.
I'm old; I've lived my time. You can have the last parachute.
That's all right; there are still two parachuter! That last lady just took my backpack!

I don't remember the actual joke very well, so those who have heard of it have heard a drastically different version. Much apologies.

[Superninfreak]

Hah! These are pretty funny!

I have a reallllly old one that I'm sure everyone has heard of, but it's still pretty funny. For people who are total pro-Hilary Clinton, you may be offended. I would use a random lady, but I'm kind of a feminist, so that would be a wee bit hypocritical of me

Spoiler: I used PW Characters!

There were five people on an airplane that's about to crash. However, there are only four parachutes. The first person is a mayor of a town.
I should have a parachute because I'm mayor and my people rely on me for support. I still have great ideas for helping my city.
So he gets a parachute and jumps. The second person is a professor.
I teach a very difficult subject; my students rely on me to help them through their studies
So she gets a parachute and jumps. The third person is Hilary Clinton
I'm Hilary Clinton; I'm very intelligent and have a lot to offer!
And she gets a parachute and jumps
The last people are an old man and a young boy.
I'm old; I've lived my time. You can have the last parachute.
That's all right; there are still two parachuter! That last lady just took my backpack!

I don't remember the actual joke very well, so those who have heard of it have heard a drastically different version. Much apologies.

Hilary Clinton is Lisa Basil?

I heard another version of that joke before that had Bush instead of Hilary.

[Sklarvv]

A duck goes into a bar. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "I'm Steve. My day was great! I spent all day stomping on puddles."
They talk a while, then the duck leaves. A few hours later another duck walks in. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "My name's Puddles. I hate my life..."

[Nutrition Facts]

A duck goes into a bar. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "I'm Steve. My day was great! I spent all day stomping on puddles."
They talk a while, then the duck leaves. A few hours later another duck walks in. The bartender asks who he is and how his day was. "My name's Puddles. I hate my life..."

Awwww--heheh--www... that's mean XD

[Sister White]

Spoiler: management lesson

Pay attention!
Your management course
Management Lessons

Lesson One

A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow & asked him, "Can I also sit like you & do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson? Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Here endeth your management course.

I got this from a friend via e-mail, but her version consist of 6 lessons.

Here goes..

Spoiler: space saver

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

M!oral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when ! they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

The other 3 are already mentioned by Sister White. =D

Haha those are pretty hilarious

I just heard one that was told to me in Chinese but can sort of be modified into English:

Spoiler:

Three men are lining up to buy breakfast. The first man walks up to the cashier and says, "One egg and ham sandwich, please." The cashier comes back promptly with the sandwich and asks the second customer what he wants. "One egg and ham sandwich, please." A little frustrated, the cashier replies, "Aw man, you should have told me earlier, I would have gotten both done at the same time." Then the cashier asks the third customer, "Do you want one egg and ham sandwich as well?" to which the third customer replies, "No." The cashier then disappears for a couple of minutes and comes back with the sandwich for the second customer. The cashier now turns to the third customer, "What would you like, sir?" The third customer replies, "Two egg and ham sandwiches, please..."

[LordWolfODonnell]

Save space.

Spoiler: Blonde Joke

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

[Hikka]

A jumper cable walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender told it, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything."

*BRICK'D.*

[Hylian100]

Spoiler: Saving space and the environment and that's not how it works is it?

Delivery man breaks down on the M4 so he flags down Paddy. He says to him, "I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you take them to Bristol zoo for me."
Paddy agrees.
Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way, with the monkeys still in the back. He flags him down and shouts across "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"
Paddy says, "I did, but I had £50 left so I'm taking them to the pictures now."

[LordWolfODonnell]

Spoiler: Another Blonde joke

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

[GigaHand]

Lots of these are funny.

[Grancko]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Why not?

[oddy]

This one is awesome.

Do you like fishsticks?

Yes

Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth?

Then you must be a gay fish.

[Grancko]

This one is awesome.

Do you like fishsticks?

Yes

Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth?

Then you must be a gay fish.

Yes. This wins.

Two men walked into a bar. It hurt.

[GigaHand]

Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot. Why did the boy cross the road? He was chewing the gum.

Why didn't the turkey cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken.

A duck was standing at a road, waiting to cross. The chicken walked by and said "I wouldn't bother, you'll never hear the end of it."

[Jean Descole]

Awww, I don't know any non-dirty jokes.

Oh well, here are some old blonde jokes.

Q. How do you kill a blonde?
A. Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool. (Alternately, put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool)

Q. How can you tell a blonde has a blond boyfriend?
A. There are bruises around her belly button.

Q. What goes blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette?
A. A blonde doing cartwheels.

[Mina-Chan]

Now for a lawyer joke!

What is the difference between a lawyer in the middle of the road and a skunk in the middle of a road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

[MezcaMorii]

*cracks knuckles* jokes are my specialty!

Spoiler: Blonde Joke 1

A blonde is driving down the road when she passes a cornfield. In the middle of the cornfield, there's another blonde in a rowboat. The blonde stops her car, gets out and yells at the blonde, "It's blondes like you who make the rest of us look stupid! If I could swim, I'd go over there and kick your butt out of that boat!"

Spoiler: Blonde Joke 2 (long)

A mexican, a chinese man, and a blonde were construction workers who were taking their lunch break. The mexican opens his lunch and shouts, "Burritos! If I have to eat another burrito, I'm going to jump off this building!" The chinese man opens his lunch and shouts, "Egg rolls! If I have to eat another egg roll, I'm going to jump off this building!" The blonde opens his lunch and shouts, "Ham and cheese sandwich! If I have to eat another ham and cheese sandwich, I'm going to jump off this building. The next day, when the mexican gets a burrito, the chinese man gets an egg roll, and the blonde gets a ham and cheese sandwich, they all jump off the building and die. At their funeral, the mexican's wife sobs, "If I had known not to make him burritos, I would have made something different!" The chinese man's wife sobs, "If I had known not to make him egg rolls, I would have made him something different!" The blonde's wife isn't crying, and the other two wives glower at her. She says, "Don't look at me! He made his own lunch!"

Spoiler: AAAND A Lawyer Joke.

Two children met on the playground. The first said, "My name is Billy, what's yours?"
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy's an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
"My daddy's a lawyer" Tommy replied.
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind"

Q. How do you fit an elephant in the freezer?
A. Open the door and put him in!

Q. How do you fit a giraffe in the freezer?
A. Open the door, take out the elephant, and put him in!

Q. The king of the jungle is holding a meeting for all the animals to attend. One animal doesn't make it, which animal is it?
A. The giraffe! He's still in the freezer!

[jammy927]

Spoiler:

Two men go into a restaurant to discuss business. Once they are done they start chatting loudly about policemen.
I hate policemen! They're always pullin' me over 'cause I 'look suspicious'!
Who gave those assholes the right to search you?
( from the other side of the restaurant) Hey!
I'm sorry sir! Are you a policeman?
No! I'm an asshole

[Femme Fatale]

Q. How do you fit an elephant in the freezer?
A. Open the door and put him in!

Q. How do you fit a giraffe in the freezer?
A. Open the door, take out the elephant, and put him in!

Q. The king of the jungle is holding a meeting for all the animals to attend. One animal doesn't make it, which animal is it?
A. The giraffe! He's still in the freezer!

Q: You're travelling the jungle and you need to get across a crocodile-infested swamp. However, there are no bridges and nothing that you could use to make a bridge. How do you get across?
A. Just swim across, the crocodiles are at the meeting held by the lion!

Now, be prepared for horribly, horribly lame jokes.

So a mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender noticed the mushroom and orders him to leave as they didn't accept his kind in the bar. And so the mushroom replies "What? Why? Give me a chance! I'm a FUNGHI!"

How are an elephant and a peach similar?

They're both gray... except for the peach.

What's black and white and has wheels?

A zebra. Sorry, I lied about the wheels.

What's long and stick-like?

A stick.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake?

Bob


"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"


Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum Tish!


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Ok, how many people want to shoot me right about now?

[Jean Descole]

Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum Tish!

That's a really good joke.

[Grancko]

Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum Tish!

That's a really good joke.

Don't get it.

[Cobblepotter]

Ba dum tish is a string of beats played on a drum which used to emphasize a punchline of a joke.

[Mr. Bear Jew]

Here's one my aunt told me:

An old guy walks into an ice cream parlor. He walks up to the counter to place his order. "I'll have a triple scoop cone", he says to the parlor boy. "I'll take a large scoop of strawberry, a large scoop of vanilla, and a large scoop of chocolate."

The parlor boy says to the man, "Sir, I can give you strawberry and vanilla but we don't have any chocolate."

The man says, "Oh... Well then, give me a large scoop of strawberry, a large scoop of vanilla, and a large scoop of chocolate."

The parlor boy once again says, "Sir, I can give you strawberry and vanilla but we don't have any chocolate."

The man says, "Oh, okay. Then, I'll just take a small scoop of strawberry, a small scoop of vanilla, and a small scoop of chocolate."

The parlor boy, fed up with the old man, leans over the counter and says, "Sir, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"

"Uh...yes", the old man says.

"Can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"

"Yes."

"Can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"

The old man responds, "...There's no fuck in chocolate."

The parlor boy screams, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

[LordWolfODonnell]

Spoiler: Traditional Blonde Joke

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Spoiler: Intelligent Blonde Joke

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Cobblepotter]

I hate going to weddings. The old people next to me always poke me and whisper in my ear, "you're next." So now, every time I go to funerals, I do the same thing to them.

[MattSamyel]

Two men walked into a bar. It hurt.

Don't forget..

When two man walk...
One goes right..
and the other has a hat.

[Yaragorm]

Ok, here's a few!

Spoiler: Kinda dirty...

An englishman, an irishman, and a scotsman are talking about the infidelity of their wives.

Englishman: I think my wife is sleeping with the electrician because I found some electrical tools under her bed last night...

Irishman: Oh yeah? Well I think my wife is sleeping with the plumber because I found some pipes under her bed last night...

Scotsman: That's nothing! I think my wife is sleeping with a horse because last night I found a jockey under her bed!

Spoiler: More UK men

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are all construction workers and they were discussing their lunches...

Englishman: If I get another Egg Salad Sandwich for Lunch, I am going to jump off a cliff!

Scotsman: If I get another BLT Sandwich for Lunch, I am going to jump off a cliff!

Irishman: If I get another Peanut Butter Jelly Sandwich for Lunch, I am going to jump off a cliff!"

The next day they all got their hated sandwiches and jumped off the cliff, their wives were giving some last remarks at their funeral...

Englishman's wife: I shouldn't have made him Egg Salad Sandwiches everyday for Lunch!

Scotsman's Wife: I shouldn't have given my husband BLT's everyday for Lunch!

Irishman's Wife: I don't get it, he made his own sandwiches everyday!

Here's a riddle...
A man gives one son 6 cents and his other son 19 cents. What time was it?

Spoiler: Took me a while to understand this...

A Quarter to Two...

[Cobblepotter]

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
(You'll probably have to say it out loud to get it)

[TheBaronAndEma]

Read this one a while ago.

Spoiler: Blondes, sorry.

One day a blonde is walking down the street when she notices a brunette on the side of the road saying "88, 88, 88" and so on. She goes over to her. " Hey can I join you? That looks like fun." The brunette smiles. "The more the merrier. So, the two continue saying "88, 88, 88" until the blonde gets an idea. "This would be sooooo much exciting if I did it on the road!" So, she goes to the middle of the road and continues counting, until a truck runs her down.
At that moment, the brunette stops and says "...89, 89, 89" and so on."

Sorry if that's not funny, I'm crap at repaeting jokes.

[Romeo]

A Hippo walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says:
"That will be £30 please." Grumbling, the hippo hands over the money and drinks his beer. Then the bartender says,
"You know, we don't usually have hippos here." And the hippo said,
"At these prices it's no wonder!"
__________________________

A man waks into a bar, this is how it goes:
Give me a drink before my trouble starts.
*Hands him a drink*
Give me another drink before my trouble starts.
(This goes on for ages.)
Hey, you gonna pay for these?
Now my trouble starts! (Runs out the door)

__________________________

How many letters in the alphabet?
26, i think.
(Walks in)
How many letters in the alphabet?
24.
No it's 26.
No, it's 24, i just blew up B &Q's.

________________________________

Blonde jokes. I don't have anything against blondes, but their funny.

Hey, look, a dead bird!
(Looking upwards) Where?

____________________________________

(Both watching TV, a man is about to jump off a building)

I bet you he jumps.
Okay i bet you £5 he doesn't.
(The man jumps off)
I won't take the money, i watched this news report earlier today.
So did I, I just didn't think he'd jump twice!

That was a lot, wasn't it? Sorry if some have already been said, didn't read all of them.

[Romeo]

( Forgot some )
Contains racisim

Spoiler:

One Paki on the moon, there's a problem.
Two Paki's on the moon, there's a problem.
100 pakis on the moon, theres a problem.
All Pakis on the moon? The problem is solved!

I'm sure you've all heard this one before. It's the magic mountain.

Contains swears

Spoiler:

There was a magic mountain, and if you ran down it saying what you wanted, you'd land in a pile of it at he bottom. Three men decide to go down the mountain.
*runs down mountain* GOLD!
*runs down mountain* SILVER!
*Runs down mountain but trips on rock, falling over and hurting him* CRAP!

[antonis]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.


A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.


What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.


Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.


How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.


Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.


Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man
replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug
habit.'


Two blondes walk into a bar.
They order their drinks and have a lovely night out.


Rock,Paper NAZIS!!!!!!!

[oddy]

Those Jokes would probably take the prize for lamest jokes ever.

[Femme Fatale]

... antonis... those will be my new replies whenever someone's trying to tell me a joke.

[Pierre]

Three friends are busted doing a bank robbery and are thrown in jail.
In their cell they find a magic lamp.
They rub the lamp and lo and behold a Genie comes out.

Genie: Alright, I can grant you 3 wishes but since theres three of you thats one each!
Prisoner 1: I wish I was out of here on a island with lots of riches.

And so with a click of his finger the genie sends the prisoner to a nice villa on an island with lots of gold.

Genie: Alright who's next?
Prisoner 2: I wish I was back home with my family.

And so with a click of his finger the genie sends the prisoner home to his family where he hugs his wife and kids.

The last prisoner looks about the empty cell and sighs.
Genie: So...what'll it be for you then?
The prisoner gives it some thought before saying...

Spoiler: "Punchline"

Prisoner 3: I wish my pals were back here with me.

[Bad Player]

MATH ALERT
So x^2 has a party and invites all the other functions. At the party all the functions are partying and having a good time except e^x, who is staying in the corner by itself. Trying to be a good host, x^2 goes over to e^x and says, "C'mon, have some fun! Integrate yourself into the party!" and e^x says, "Why should I? It won't make a difference."


A version of this was already told, but...

Spoiler:

A man arrives in a town one night. All the hotels are booked and he can't find anywhere else to stay, so he final goes to the local church and asks the priest if he can stay the night. The priest says he can, as long as he doesn't ask about the strange sound. So the man spends the night in the church, and hears a strange sound all night. The next morning the man says, "I know you told me not to, but please, what was that strange sound?" And the priest says, "All right. Go down that hallway to find out."

So the man goes down the hallway and finds a locked red door. He goes down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't get past the red door." The priest says, "Okay, take this red key."

The man takes the red key and goes down the hallway. He uses the red key to open the red door and finds a set of red stairs. He goes down the red stairs and finds a locked orange door. He goes up the red stairs, down the hallways and tells the priest, "I can't get past the orange door." The priest says, "Okay, take this orange key."

The man takes the orange key, goes down the hallway and down the red stairs. He uses the orange key to open the orange door and finds a set of orange stairs. He goes down the orange stairs and finds a locked yellow door. He goes up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't get past the yellow door." The priest says, "Okay, take this yellow key."

The man takes the yellow key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs and down the orange stairs. He uses the yellow key to open the yellow door, and finds a set of yellow stairs. He goes down the yellow stairs and finds a locked green door. He goes up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't get past the green door." The priest says, "Okay, take this green key."

The man takes the green key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, and down the yellow stairs. He uses the green key to open the green door, and finds a set of green stairs. He goes down the green stairs and finds a locked blue door. He goes up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't get past the blue door." The priest says, "Okay, take this blue key."

The man takes the blue key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, down the yellow stairs, and down the green stairs. He uses the blue key to open the blue door, and finds a set of blue stairs. He goes down the blue stairs and finds a locked indigo door. He goes up the blue stairs, up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallways and tells the priest, "I can't get past the indigo door." The priest says, "Okay, take this indigo key."

The man takes the indigo key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, down the yellow stairs, down the green stairs, and down the blue stairs. He uses the indigo key to open the indigo door, and finds a set of indigo stairs. He goes down the indigo stairs and finds a locked violet door. He goes up the indigo stairs, up the blue stairs, up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't get past the violet door." The priest says, "Okay, take this violet key."

The man takes the violet key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, down the yellow stairs, down the green stairs, down the blue stairs, and down the indigo stairs. He uses the violet key to open the violet door, and finds a set of violet stairs. He goes down the violet stairs and finds a locked pink door. He goes up the violet stairs, up the indigo stairs, up the blue stairs, up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway, and tells the priest, "I can't get past the pink door." The priest says, "Okay, take this pink key."

The man takes the pink key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, down the yellow stairs, down the green stairs, down the blue stairs, down the indigo stairs, and down the violet stairs. He uses the pink key to open the pink door, and finds a set of pink stairs. He goes down the pink stairs and finds a locked white door. He goes up the pink stairs, up the violet stairs, up the indigo stairs, up the blue stairs, up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway, and tells the priest, "I can't get past the white door." The priest says, "Okay, take this white key."

The man takes the white key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, down the yellow stairs, down the green stairs, down the blue stairs, down the indigo stairs, down the violet stairs, and down the pink stairs. He uses the white key to open the white door, and finds a set of white stairs. He goes down the white stairs and finds a locked gray door. He goes up the white stairs, up the pink stairs, up the violet stairs, up the indigo stairs, up the blue stairs, up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't get past the gray door." The priest says, "Okay, take this gray key."

The man takes the gray key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, down the yellow stairs, down the green stairs, down the blue stairs, down the indigo stairs, down the violet stairs, down the pink stairs, and down the white stairs. He uses the gray key to open the gray door, and finds a set of gray stairs. He goes down the gray stairs and finds a locked black door. He goes up the gray stairs, up the white stairs, up the pink stairs, up the violet stairs, up the indigo stairs, up the blue stairs, up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't get past the black door." The priest says, "Okay, take this black key."

The man takes the black key, goes down the hallway, down the red stairs, down the orange stairs, down the yellow stairs, down the green stairs, down the blue stairs, down the indigo stairs, down the violet stairs, down the pink stairs, down the white stairs, and down the gray stairs. He uses the black key to open the black door, and finds a set of black stairs. He goes down the black stairs and finds a room with a locked box in it. He goes up the black stairs, up the gray stairs, up the white stairs, up the pink stairs, up the violet stairs, up the indigo stairs, up the blue stairs, up the green stairs, up the yellow stairs, up the orange stairs, up the red stairs, down the hallway and tells the priest, "I can't open the box." The priest says, "Oh, I can't give you that key."


When you tell the joke, NEVER abridge or shorten it AT ALL when you tell the joke, no matter how much your victimsaudience pleads.

...I can't believe I typed that all out.

Spoiler: really minor cursing =x

A priest and a golfer are playing golf. On the first hole the golfer hits the ball way past the green and says, "God dammit, I missed!" The priest says, "Do not use God's name in vain or you will be severely punished." So then the priest hits the ball, and it's guided by a single ray of light into the hole.

On the second hole the golfer hits the ball way short of the green and says, "God dammit, I missed!" The priest says, "Do not use God's name in vain or you will be severely punished." So then the priest hits the ball, and it's guided by a single ray of light into the hole.

This continues all the way through. On the seventeenth hole the golfer hits the ball, completely misses the green and says, "God dammit, I missed!" The priest says, "If you use God's name in vain one more time, you will be severely punished." So then the priest hits the ball, and it's guided by a single ray of light into the hole.

On the eighteenth hole the golfer hits the ball. It lands in a sand trap, and the golfer says, "God dammit, I missed!" All of a sudden, the sky turns black, light flashes, and a giant fireball comes out of the sky and obliterates the priest. A deep, rumbling voice is heard from the heavens... "God dammit, I missed!"

Spoiler: I'm surprised no one's done this one...

Two elephants are in the shower. One says "Pass the soap." The other replies, "No soap, radio!"

[Grancko]

Those Jokes would probably take the prize for lamest jokes ever.

...You know I go by the nickname "Bad jokes man", right?

[GigaHand]

I think he was talking to antonis. Just look at that post.

[Bad Player]

Ooh, I gots another one!

Spoiler: Kinda dirty...

So, a man and a woman get married. They waited until marriage to have sex, and when they finally did, the man said that he would only have sex with the lights off. So they had sex with the lights off, and the woman thought it was amazing. Life went on, and they were happy, and had a family, and all that stuff. All those years, the sex was always great, but the man always refused to have sex unless the light was off. The woman was curious, and after many many years, she just couldn't resist finding out his secret. So in the middle of having sex, she turned off the light to see the man just using a sex toy. The man says, "Okay. I explain the sex toy; you explain the kids."