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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Chogiwa

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Joined: Sat Apr 08, 2017 2:11 pm

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I think you should definitely take a break after you finish sporking this one. I'm seriously starting to get worried about how this might affect your mental health.


A bit off-topic, but what's up with the rise of John Phoenix fanfic and dakoolguy in the front page. I kinda feel like I'm out of the loop.

Edit; I was trying to find a story on ff.net, so when I clicked on filter and browse through the characters, I found Dakoolguy..? How did he get his name in there?
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

Don't worry. I plan on taking a long break after this one. As for his rise, I honestly can't tell you. Even though I was there when it happened in around March or April. The author just started going around to other people's fanfics and spamming reviews telling them that their OC was the best of all time. Then a bunch of other accounts started making even worse fanfics starring John Phoenix. They've even started going after longtime author JordanPhoenix for what they view as plagiarism, even though she's confirmed to use a website that gives creative inspiration for writing tips.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking Part 10

Trucy: Only two more chapters left, everyone! We can do this!

Apollo: You sure? Cause I'm not really feeling it right now.

Speakers: If it's any consolation, these two chapters are relatively short. You should be fine.

Phoenix: We're never fine while we're in here.

Edgeworth: We'll only be "fine" when this place is shut down for good.

Speakers: As long as there are terrible fanfics out there, we will never be shut down.

[The lights dim.]

Spoiler:
Quote:
PROLOGUE 2


Apollo: Great start already.

Quote:
Kumar Timalsina put on the hat and gloves, instantly transforming into the man with the hat!

"I admit it," said Kumar. "I am the man in the hat. I clap my hands to you, John Phoenix. But why did you suspect me?"


Edgeworth: Because his name is literally in the title and he's been shown to always be the antagonist of the story?

Phoenix: And there's really been no other major antagonist in this story apart from von Karma, who's literally a brain.

Quote:
"It was a simple matter of logic," said John Phoenix. "I asked myself, 'Who from my past wears a hat or gloves?' There was only person who fit the bill. Wilt Wally, my first enemy. Remember, he said he wore gloves during his crime."


Phoenix: Wait, who?

Trucy: I think he was the culprit in the very first trial of the last story. The one who tried to frame fic-me for murder.

Apollo: Weird time to bring him up. Also, wait, is this fic saying that Kumar is actually Wilt?

Edgeworth: That's impossible. He's dead.

Phoenix: Since when has death ever mattered in these stories?

Edgeworth: ...true.

Quote:
"And the hat?" said Uncle Phoenix. "He wasn't wearing a hat."

"No. For the same reason he wasn't wearing gloves. He took the hat off after killing John Dead."

"That makes a lot of sense."

Edgeworth slammed his desk. "No! That makes no sense. Wilt Wally is dead. What does he have to do with the man in the hat?"

"Isn't it obvious?" asked John Phoenix. "Kumar Timalsina is Wilt Wally's son. He inherited his father's gloves and hat. That's why Kumar has gloves and a hat. And that's why he wants revenge on me... because I made him 'suffer' when his father committed suicide in court."


Apollo: Okay, apart from the fact that a one off character was shown to have worn gloves during his appearance, how exactly was this in any way foreshadowed throughout this fic?!

Phoenix: If it was, I know I certainly missed it.

Quote:
"But your conduct that day was irreproachable! All the leading jurists in the country agreed!" cried Edgeworth.


Edgeworth: I think the author needs to find out what "irreproachable" means. It's far from what they think it is.

Quote:
"What can I say? It seems the Walt family genes are cursed. That's why the father is a murderer and the son a pedophile."


Apollo: Still not a real pedophile! And what do genes have to do with that?!

Quote:
Kumar Timalsina shed a single tear. "Yes... you're right. You're always right. I'm Wilt Wally's son. I was living in Khurain when it happened. My father's death is what made me make the switch from defense attorney to prosecutor. I wanted to get my revenge on you... to dehumanize you in court like you dehumanized my father!"


Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Actually...that kinda sounds similar to your story, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I realize that. And I don't like it one bit.

Apollo: And when they put it that way, it almost makes it seem like we're supposed to be rooting for the villain here.

Quote:
"You were also the Irfran Nilgiria that Apollo met on his way to the birthday party, weren't you?" asked John Phoenix. "Tell us about that."

Kumar cried a second single tear.

"Yes. It was a challenge making myself as stupid as Irfran. My father almost identified me. And why? I had joined up with Manfred von Karma and John Dragon's terrorist friends. An enemy of John Phoenix is a friend of mine. They had a plan to use the Big Magatama to channel their leader John Dragon's spirit. They needed as much spirit channeling energy as they could get to find his spirit... spirit channeling with no heaven or hell is hard."


Phoenix: ...that's...not how the big Magatama works. And that's not how spirit channeling works either.

Trucy: Does anything actually work in this story?

Apollo: Certainly nothing intentionally works.

Quote:
He continued.

"Pearl was in on the plan. Anyway, during the hide-and-seek game I drove her to Hazakura Temple so she could use its power during the channeling. I had Misty Fey's corpse in the trunk. We needed that, too, in order to channel John Dragon. Pearl ate it to get more spirit channeling power and then she managed to channel John Dragon with the help of the Big Magatama and Mystic Arnie's spirit while Larry Butz and Dr. Hotti were sleeping in another room."


All: ...

Phoenix: Did...did they just say that Pearls resorted to CANNIBALISM?!

Apollo: ...I think so.

Phoenix: Okay, this is beyond bad. This is absolutely DISGUSTING! Pearls would NEVER do something like that! You could not be farther from Pearl's behavior and mannerisms if you even tried! I feel legitimately unclean just reading this!

Edgeworth: My thoughts exactly. And the author has the nerve to only rate this story as T?!

Trucy: That is not okay! That is not okay at all!

Quote:
"She ate her mother's rotting corpse?" asked Phoenix Wright. "That's strange. Why would she do that? Or channel John Dragon?"


Phoenix: Wow! Understatement of the century, fic-me!

Edgeworth: Also, Misty Fey is not Pearl's mother. She's her aunt.

Phoenix: Bit of a minor issue, Edgeworth!

Quote:
"Because she was a terrorist," said John Phoenix. "I long suspected as much."

"Impossible!" said Maya.

"Possible," said John Phoenix.

"Yes, she was a terrorist," said Kumar. "But John Dragon wasn't. He'd had a change of heart ever since being dead. He loved his brother now. He picked a gun off the floor and killed himself... and Pearl, of course. That put an end to Manfred's plans to assassinate John Phoenix in the dark during the hide-and-seek game and have John Dragon impersonate him and take over his life."


Apollo: Didn't sound like a very well thought out plan, didn't it?

Trucy: Well otherwise, we'd have a good story.

Phoenix: Except for the whole cannibalism thing.

Quote:
"It wouldn't have worked, anyway," said John Phoenix. "You'd have only killed Apollo Justice. I wouldn't have cared."


Apollo: ...you know what? I'm beyond caring at this point.

Trucy: Wow, Polly. This fic has really gotten to you.

Edgeworth: It's gotten to all of us, Trucy.

Quote:
Kumar sighed. "Yes, nothing went quite how Manfred wanted it. But Pearl's death presented a new opportunity, an opportunity to frame you for her murder. But we couldn't be sure whether the gun was yours or your uncle, so we needed to plant one more piece of evidence."

"The knife..." said Phoenix.

"No," said John Phoenix. "It was actually a fork." He presented the knife. "That's why my fingerprints are on the knife, because it's the one Pearl handed to Apollo during the party, and he had flesh colored gloves with fingerprints that matched mine."


Phoenix: ...that's not a thing.

Edgeworth: Also, a fork? Where did that come from?

Quote:
"But that's a knife," objected Uncle Phoenix. "A knife is not a fork. It is a different implement."

"Uncle Phoenix, be quiet. You are wrong. Everyone, kindly visualize a three pronged fork, the kind used at the birthday party."

Everyone did so.

"Okay, now what?" asked the judge, eyes closed.

"Remove the two prongs on the side."

"Okay... by jove!" The judge's eyes fluttered open. "When you remove the two prongs from a three pronged fork, the middle prong becomes a KNIFE!"


Apollo: That's...not how it works.

Trucy: Yet another thing that doesn't work in this story.

Quote:
"And that is how my fingerprints got on the 'knife.'"

Everyone applauded, genius, John Phoenix.

"It appears you've figured it all out, John Phoenix," said Kumar Timalsina. "Manfred's plan to revive his leader... my plan to ruin your life..."

"Actually, you told us that," said Uncle Phoenix.

Kumar ignored him. John Phoenix is a genius and had made him tell. "Killing Pearl wasn't intended, but it aligned perfectly with my aims. To destroy you in court."

"You lose, Timalsina," said John Phoenix.

"No, I do not lose, you lose!"

Kumar Timalsina stole the bailiff's gun and aimed it John Phoenix!


Phoenix: Oh good. The inevitable confrontation that will probably result in John somehow being able to survive.

Edgeworth: At least there's only one chapter left.


Trucy: How will it end folks? How will it end?

Apollo: Let's get this over with and find out.

Phoenix: At least we'll be free of this story.

Spoiler:
Quote:
Prologue 3


Apollo: But that's not even...never mind! Let's just keep going!

Quote:
Kumar Timalsina threw the gun to John Phoenix! Everyone gasped!

"Now it's time for my perfect revenge!" Kumar extended his index finger. "I am going to make you kill yourself, John Phoenix, just like you made my father! Put that gun in your mouth and pull the trigger! Nobody likes you! Everyone hates you!"


Phoenix: Oh thank you. He says what we're all thinking!

Edgeworth: Now if only that would actually happen.

Quote:
John Phoenix put the gun in his mouth.

"NO JOHN PHOENIX HE'S LYING!" cried Uncle Phoenix.

The judge stood up. "Good lord! Stop!" He got out of his chair and ran to John Phoenix.

Kumar grinned evilly, but instead of killing himself, John Phoenix fired through the judge's robe and shot Natan Ingram!

"It appears you seriously misjudged my psychology, Timalsina," said John Phoenix. "It will cost you your case."


All: BOOOOOOO!

Phoenix: Also, I think the case isn't that important right now.

Quote:
He bowed as everyone cried tears of relief.

Natan crawled out leaking blood and guts and pulled at Edgeworth's pant leg.

"Miles... help me..." he gurgled.

Instead of helping his husband, Edgeworth stole the second bailiff's gun!

"Father, no!" cried Kumar.

Natan tried to crawl away. "Miles, please! Remember our wedding vows!"

"Till death do us part," recited Miles. "Now here comes the death part."

He blew off Natan's head and blood sprayed everywhere!

"Father, how could you!" cried Kumar.

Edgeworth regarded his adopted son coldly over his shoulder. "I never loved you or Natan, Kumar. I only married him and adopted you and Irfran to stop your evil plot. Rumors of your scheming and attraction to children reached my office."


Apollo: Sorry, Mr. Edgeworth. Looks like fic-you wasn't actually smart after all.

Edgeworth: I'm so upset at that. Clearly.

Quote:
"Edgeworth... how does adopting a pedophile and marrying his best friend follow from that?" asked Phoenix.

"They say keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I did it to learn of their plan, and so I could stop them before they could carry it out. I only pretended to hate John Phoenix to sell the illusion, but unfortunately, Kumar started giving me amnesia pills in my tea. I got amnesia and forgot that I was only pretending to hate John Phoenix. Thankfully I figured out how he was drugging me."

"I knew that," said John Phoenix.


Phoenix: One, no you didn't. Two, what kind of plan is that?

Trucy: A terrible one.

Quote:
Now John Phoenix and Edgeworth pointed their guns at Kumar and Emperor aimed his boomerang in an epic team up.

"Now, to escort you to prison," said Edgeworth.

Kumar chuckled. "Too bad you forgot one thing, Miles."

"What's that?"

"The third bailiff!" He stole the bailiff's gun and dragged Mia out of the gallery! He wrapped an arm around her neck and held the gun to her head.

"Help" said Mia.


Phoenix: That's quite the concern coming from fic-Mia.

Edgeworth: And something tells me that John wouldn't care much about that.

Quote:
"Oh no! Mia!" cried Phoenix. John Phoenix and Edgeworth reluctantly dropped their guns.

"I want..." Kumar began. "No, I DEMAND a police helicopter out of here. And I want it filled with underage girls. NOW!" He shook Mia and pressed the barrel harder against her temple. She winced. "Don't think I'll hesitate to kill her! Adult women mean nothing to me! I'm Kumar Timalsina, bitch!"


All: ...

Speakers: ...let's just move on.

Quote:
There didn't seem to be anything they could do. Kumar had the upper hand. But then John Phoenix got an idea. He borrowed Emperor's boomerang and threw it at Mia! When it came back it brought Mia with it, safe and sound.


Apollo: Um...no.

Trucy: That's a whole lotta no.

Quote:
"NO!" screamed Kumar, pressing up against the wall behind his desk, trying to aim his gun everywhere at once. Just then a gigantic hulking monster crashed trough the wall behind him! It was Nightwing! He had a prison guard in each hand and he was eating them. The steroids John Phoenix had forced him to take in prison had turned him into a mindless beast with only one desire, to kill the prosecutor who ruined his life!


Phoenix: Wait, the pro wrestler client from the beginning?

Edgeworth: Also, what the heck is this?

Quote:
"Stay back, you monster!" screamed Kumar. He fired his gun at Nightwing but it had no effect. Nightwing threw the guards away and did cool wrestling moves on Kumar Timalsina and pounded his scrawny pedophile body to death. Then he started eating his corpse.


Apollo: Because THAT'S what this fic needed. MORE CANNIBALISM!

Quote:
"Good work, Nightwing," said John Phoenix. "I planned this." He fired a tranquilizer gun at him and Nightwing fell down. "Now back to prison where you belong." John Phoenix couldn't help but feel a little sorry. It wasn't really his fault Nightwing was like this. Society had made him this way. Winners don't do drugs.


Phoenix: Um...shouldn't the prosecutor proving to be a forger warrant a retrial for him?

Quote:
"I find John Phoenix NOT GUILTY!"

Everyone cheered and colorful construction paper fell from the ceiling. John Phoenix would not accept small pieces of confetti. All of John Phoenix's friends carried him on their shoulders to the defense lobby.

"Thank you for saving me, John Phoenix," said Mia. She shuddered. "I'm glad that pedophiliac monster is finally gone."


Apollo: And we're glad the fic is almost done.

Quote:
"It's too bad Apollo is dead," said Trucy. "If it had been you in that tank, you would have definitely lived! You are amazing!"

"Nice work, kid," said Godot.

"Great job, John Phoenix," said Maya. "You too, Nick!"

"Thanks, Maya!"


Phoenix: At least fic-me gets a little bit of acknowledgement.

Trucy: That wasn't much.

Quote:
She and Phoenix were about to high five. John Phoenix screamed, "No, Uncle Phoenix, look out!" He quickly shouldered his uncle to the ground and knocked him out of harm's way. Then he used the bailiff's gun and emptied the entire magazine into Maya with perfect accuracy while strafing and taking cover behind random people.

She lay face down. Her big toe twitched.

"She's still alive! Get down!" cried John Phoenix from behind his smoking gun.

Edgeworth roundhouse kicked women and children to the floor. "Leave this one to me." He pulled out his own gun he stole from the bailiff and did tactical somersaults around Maya, snapping off rounds until she was nothing more than a pile of blood on the floor.


All: ...

Edgeworth: Okay, fic. How is this supposed to be the best course of action?

Quote:
Phoenix stared down. An eyeball floated down a rivulet of blood ending at the tip of his shoe. "Why."

Why? You see, John Phoenix had noticed she had a broken fingernail. Somehow, this meant she was evil.


All: ...

[Everyone proceeds to start banging their heads against the seats in front of them.]

Quote:
"You see, if she had been good, all her nails would have been broken, from chewing them in anxiety when I was in danger of a guilty verdict. But she didn't. Only one fingernail was broken, because she bit down on it in anger, because I didn't get a guilty verdict. She is a terrorist."

"Amazing use of psychology, John Phoenix," said Edgeworth. "You are a genius."


Edgeworth: That logic is so terrible I think we should just move on.

Everyone else: Agreed.

Quote:
"Even I have to admit it," said Emperor.

"But... did you have to kill her for that?" asked Phoenix.

"She had poison on her hands, Uncle Phoenix, that would have killed you instantly if she touched you. She was working for Manfred von Karma all along. That's why she invited them to the party, so they could use the Big Magatama and channel John Dragon. She was evil all along. Both Mayas are evil. There was never a Good Maya, except perhaps in your easily fooled mind."

Phoenix cried a single tear. "Oh, well, good eye then, John Phoenix."


Phoenix: Way to retcon this crap!

Quote:
"No. Good eyes. I used both eyes. Both of my eyes deserve equal respect and recognition."

"You're right. Thank you, John Phoenix's eyes, for both of you."


Apollo: This was entirely necessary.

Quote:
Just then Manfred von Karma's brain ran by underfoot and tripped people up.

"So long, fools! I shall return some day! Ha ha ha!" He managed to escape through a mouse hole somehow. John Phoenix stared at the hole. Life was really so hard sometimes. I'm not sure what I should put here or what was going through his head, but it was probably poignant and related to all the stuff he had done in his life, and all the stuff he had yet to do. Edgeworth laid a hand on his shoulder.


Edgeworth: This was just lazy, even for this author's standards.

Phoenix: I just want this to end.

Quote:
shoulder.

"Don't worry, John Phoenix, we'll get him some day. Also... my mother has a surprise..."

Morgan le Fey walked in leading the other terrorist friends by chains.

"Morgan?" gasped Merlin. "What are you doing here?"

"I am good now." She waved her hand and Larry and Apollo came back to life. "Your friends came back to life."


Apollo: Oh come on! I thought I was free from my dignity being shattered by this story!

Phoenix: We're never free from this story.

Quote:
"Wow! Great news!" said Uncle Phoenix.

John Phoenix shook Larry's hand. It was the least he could for a man who had accidentally sacrificed his life for Apollo Justice instead of John Phoenix. Just then a bullet crashed through the window. It was John Phoenix's mother's soul bullet! She was alive after all.

"John Phoenix's mom?" gasped Trucy. "Is that really her?"

"Yes, it is," said John Phoenix. "She found her way home from the rubble of Khurain City."


Apollo: Oh good. Because we really needed that.

Trucy: Also, can we really call her alive if her soul is trapped in a bullet?

Quote:
"Heh... that Kumar fucker is finally dead, John Phoenix won, and my sister's back," said Larry. "Now we can all relax, huh?"

"No..." said John Phoenix, clenching his mother in his fist. She was very agitated. "Manfred von Karma is still out there. And so is the true mastermind..."

Larry, Phoenix, and Edgeworth shared a confused look.


Edgeworth: Wait...what is this story talking about?

Quote:
Meanwhile...

In an ancient dungeon under the governor's castle, Storm Sente and Argus Hakan spoke to a mysterious robed man.

"Professor Layton," asked Argus, "is it true you have an evil brother named Prosecutor Layton? And that he's Kumar Timalsina's real father and an old associate of Charlie Lawrence?"


Phoenix: ...excuse me? Prosecutor Layton? Charlie Lawrence? What is this supposed to be?

Apollo: No idea.

Quote:
"Yes."

Carlos Flavioli and Acro emerged from a dark crevice, riding in their wheelchairs, which were actually guns.

"Storm, it's exactly as you thought," said Flavoli. "The vultures Phoenix Wright saw in the heavenly hall were circling the floor because there was a dying person under the floorboards."

Acro glared. "We have finally located the real Principal Buddy Johnson."


Edgeworth: ...what? The real Buddy Johnson?

Apollo: Is this building up to something?

Quote:
Storm put his hands in his pockets and stared at a torch on the wall, the fire reflecting off his glasses.

"All the pieces of the puzzle are finally falling into place," he said. "The real truth behind the FemCon incident... behind the Morix law offices... behind Dylan Fitchar's disappearance... and behind John Phoenix's birth."

The End

(Yes, this is really the last chapter. There are no more epilogues or prologues.)


Apollo: Wait...are they saying we're gonna get more of this?

Trucy: I think so.

Apollo: NOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY DO WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SOME MORE?!


[The lights turn on.]

All: *defeated because they have to do another story in the future*

Phoenix: Well...might as well give our thoughts.

Trucy: I'll start. This story is probably worse than the first one! I mean, the writing is as terrible as ever, John's a terrible character and the plot makes no sense!

Phoenix: In addition, this fic does one of the biggest no-no's in story-telling: directly going after other people's work and disparaging it. Not only does this author claim three of another author's OCs as their own, but they purposefully distort them to fit their feud with that author.

Edgeworth: And beyond that, there's plenty of twists that don't make sense and have no foreshadowing at all to build them up. If you want to have twists, fine. But give the readers some foreshadowing. Give clues that this could be real.

Apollo: And worst of all, this series looks as if it'll continue! Why?! Why do we need this to continue?!

Phoenix: Because we haven't suffered enough, it seems.

Edgeworth: We never suffer enough for this theater, it seems.

Speakers: You've got that right. Now get outta here.

[And so the sporkers leave the theater and try their best to get what they saw out of their minds. Will this godawful series continue? Will it get any better? I doubt that one but one can still hope. Stay tuned...]
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