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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Shadow Magician wrote:
Anyways, good luck! :pearl:

Thanks. I think I'm gonna need it.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part IV

*We begin where we always have begun, in the Sporking Theater*

Phoenix: Looks like this author is going to try and maintain the record of longest story sporked. I'd ask them to quit while they're ahead, but I doubt they'd listen to me.

Edgeworth: One question, Kay. What are you still doing here? Franziska should have recovered by now.

Kay: Well, Maya and I never settled our bet, and we think it'll be settled in this chapter.

Maya: Besides, we don't want a repeat of last time with Ms. von Karma nearly shocking herself to death over the grammar.

Edgeworth: I suppose not. We seriously need to talk to the Management about that.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Mr. Miles Edgeworth that there is a suggestion box in the lobby.

Edgeworth: And that is somehow going to pay for Franziska's medical bills?

Speakers: You'd be surprised.

Edgeworth: I'd argue, but I think I'll need a full Truth Bar to get through this next level of Hell.

Phoenix: I see what you mean. When we last left off, Ms. von Karma bumped into you kissing some woman we didn't know.

Maya: It's probably just to spark a jealousy conflict. This is a shipping story after all.

Phoenix: We don't need any more reminders of that, Maya.
Chapter 8

Kay: Brace yourselves, guys. I have a feeling this is gonna be a bad one.
Time: May 5th 1:34 pm

Place: Prosecutors office room 1202

Edgeworth POV

Edgeworth: Now we're back to me being the narrator, apparently.

Phoenix: Just for the record, there are times when multiple narrators in one story can be effective, right?

Edgeworth: This is true, Wright. But trust me, this isn't one of those times.

Phoenix: Just checking.
I was waiting for 3 pm to come. Kay was out at the grocery store buying snacks for the meeting. It was her idea, but I agreed because I'd didn't want to hear whining about food. I organized my desk trying to figure out the case.

Kay: Um, I'm not exactly snack-crazy like Maya is. Does this author believe Maya and I are interchangeable or something?

Maya: Sure seems like it.

Edgeworth: From what I hear, that's a common critique of you, Kay.

Kay: I know, and it annoys the hell out of me. Get this straight, people. We have similar roles and similar personalities. Key word there being similar. That's it. I'm not Maya 2.0 or whatever.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Ms. Kay Faraday...

Kay: That breaking the Fourth Wall is strictly prohibited. Honestly, you think I care at this point? Besides, as long as I was here, it had to be said.

Speakers: Huh. Touché.

Maya: You have to teach us that.

Kay: *flashes a goofy grin* Sorry, trade secret.
I heard a knock on the door.

Phoenix: *deadpan* Oh, a knock at the door. I wonder who it could be? The suspense is just killing me.
"It's open," I said. Kay was probably back with the food. When I looked up I saw a different woman. She looked kinda familiar. "Can I help you?"

Edgeworth: Well, unless this is a detective or a fellow prosecutor, I'm taking this surprisingly well.

Maya: What do you mean?

Edgeworth: Well, it's not common for a random stranger to just barge into a prosecutor's office.

Phoenix: I dunno. I did that a few times, if you'll remember.

Edgeworth: That was a special circumstance, Wright.
"Edgeworth you don't remember me?" she asked.

Edgeworth: Can't say that I do, madam.
"Can't say I do," I replied.

Maya: Wow! You're psychic, Mr. Edgeworth! Now, predict how the story ends so that we can get out of here!

Edgeworth: If I could do that, would I be sitting here in the first place?

Maya: *sulks* Aww.
"High school?" she tried to jog my memory. "I ran for homecoming queen."

Phoenix: Do they have that in Germany?

Edgeworth: I wouldn't know. I was too busy studying for the Bar to worry about such mundane things.

Maya: That's our Edgeworth!
"Susan?" I said recognizing her.

"No Carol," she said. I nodded.

Edgeworth: Wait, so did I recognize her, or didn't I?

Phoenix: You're asking me?
"Look I'm in the middle of something. So if you want to get coffee, it would have to be another day."

Edgeworth: Why would I automatically assume that she wanted to go out for coffee with me?

Maya: Well, apparently, you haven't seen her in a long time. Maybe she just wants to catch up.

Edgeworth: Ms. Fey, I don't even know who this woman is! I even got her name wrong, for Pete's sake!

Phoenix: Now you know how I felt during the whole "Codename FRIEND" nonsense.
"Well you're not going anywhere not going anywhere now," she said coming closer to me.

Kay: *singing* When a felon's not engaged in his employment (his employment),
Or maturing his felonious little plan (little plan),
His capacity for innocent enjoyment ('cent enjoyment),
Is just as great as any honest man (honest man).

Everyone else: ...

Kay: There. Now none of you are allowed to complain about my singing ever again.

Maya: Didn't you complain to me about references that went over people's heads?

Kay: That was an observation, not a complaint.

Edgeworth: Besides, I honestly think it's a clever critique of the author's lack of proofreading.
"This is uncomfortable," I said moving away.

Edgeworth: I must agree on that score, if only because this woman is a complete stranger to me.
"I had a crush on you for a while. You had a good personality."

Phoenix: It's the same problem all over again. Authors insert people into our lives that we're supposed to know, but we obviously don't.

Maya: When will they ever learn?

Phoenix: Considering how recently this story was written, probably never.
"I recall becoming antisocial in high school." She reached out to me. "Woah"

Edgeworth: I will admit, my studies took priority over many things in that time. But perhaps antisocial is a bit harsh.

Maya: Phooey. It's still a grey area. Mr. Edgeworth's not out of character, but he isn't really in character, either.

Kay: Character Consistency Limbo!
"You're so nice now," she said.

Phoenix: Wait, so did you like him then or now?

Maya: And how would she know what Mr. Edgeworth was like now unless she was stalking him since high school?

Edgeworth: Nnngh. The very thought of that makes my skin crawl.

Phoenix: Join the club.
"Well I liked you better in high school." It was at that moment she kissed me. It lasted for like 15 seconds. After that I broke from the kiss.

Edgeworth: *turns bright crimson*

Kay: Okay, that was random. And was that Susan or Carol or whoever just talking, or was it Mr. Edgeworth?

Phoenix: Makes no sense either way, so who cares?
"Ok no." I said calmly. "No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No."

Kay: C'mon, Maya. Doesn't that seem a little out of character for Mr. Edgeworth?

Maya: The sentiment is consistent, but his expression isn't. It's still a grey area.

Phoenix: The expression doesn't even make sense. What, is she still advancing at him as he tries to hold her back? It would've helped to tell us that.

Edgeworth: ...
"But Edgeworth," she tried to say.

"What part of no don't you get?"

Phoenix: Apparently the "no" part.
"Fine I'll go," she said despisingly. And she left. I could just imagine her smiling after that for some reason.

Kay: Smiling after being dumped like that? Yeah, no.

Phoenix: She gave up surprisingly easily for a stalker girlfriend.

Maya: She'll be back. This is a shipping story, after all.

Edgeworth: *through gritted teeth* Can we please get back to the nonsensical case now? I'm starting to miss that.
I shook my head. "I can't believe she tried to do that. We meet after 10 years and she tries to kiss me."

Phoenix: You're preaching to the choir.
"Mr. Edgeworth," someone said. I turned to see Kay at the door.

"Hey Kay," I said.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Bitter reunion." I said. "1:51 great."

Kay: Bitter, kinda. Contrived, definitely. Confusing as all hell, you bet.
"Something happened. I can tell," Kay said.

"Old school mate. Ran for homecoming queen."

Edgeworth: And that's all I know about her, really. Well, that and that she had an inexplicable crush on me.

Phoenix: Which came out of nowhere, by the way.

Kay: Told ya it was contrived.
"Let me guess," Kay started. "She found out you were famous and tried to hit on you."

Phoenix: I love how this woman can't get her story straight. Either she was stalking Edgeworth since high school, or she found out about his popularity recently and decided to ride on his coattails. Either way, she is a pretty disgusting woman.

Edgeworth: Agreed.
"That sums it up nicely," I said. "What?"

Edgeworth: Actually, I think Wright summed it up better.
"Oh my goodness!" she said staring at the floor.

"What?" she picked something up and gave it to me. "Franziska's whip."

Phoenix: Well, we can all agree Ms. von Karma's out of character. She doesn't discard that whip unless she's aiming to quit her job as a prosecutor.

Edgeworth: And she certainly wouldn't do so out of jealousy.
"No wonder she was storming down the hall crying!" Kay said sounding surprised.

"Wait she was crying?" I yelled. "Oh goodness." I ran out of the room. I stormed down the stairs and out of the building trying to catch Franziska.

Phoenix: Wait, it's not what it looks like!

Edgeworth: Considering that we're not entirely clear on what it looks like, that excuse might not wash.
I found her outside standing there. "Franziska!" She turned to me. I could see the tear rimmed eyes. I could hear thunder in the distance.

"What do you want?" she asked in a dark voice. She gave me the coldest stare. I haven't seen her this mad for about three years.

Kay: Wait, if this takes place after the Investigations series, that statement doesn't make sense.

Phoenix: That didn't stop the author from ignoring my quest to reclaim my badge and randomly breaking Iris out of jail.

Kay: Point taken.
"Franziska, what you saw up there-" I started.

"Don't make excuses!" She yelled. Her voice was filled with anger. "I saw you kissing her!"


Maya: Mr. Edgeworth tries to explain, Ms. von Karma won't hear of it, they break up, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and eventually they kiss and make up. Can we leave now?

Edgeworth: Ms. Fey, I truly wish it were that easy.
"I don't care!" she screeched. "You are the most foolishly foolish fool in this whole foolishly foolish universe! I HATE YOU!" She stormed off out of the parking lot. I was so stunned all I could do was watch. I watched her run out into the streets with her hands over her face. I went back to my office. When I got there I saw Kay.

Maya: Wake me when it's over. *starts to fall asleep*

Phoenix: Maya! *wakes her up*

Maya: C'mon, Nick! I just called it down the line! The author's not missing a beat!

Phoenix: Even so, I'm not letting you abandon us like that.
"Well?" she asked sounding worried. I shook my head. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I said sitting on my sofa. "Worst twenty minutes of my life."

Edgeworth: No, that would be the first twenty minutes of this atrocity.
The phone rang just then. "Could you press speaker button."

Kay: Press it yourself. I'm not your maid.

Phoenix: Keep in mind, Edgeworth just suffered a pretty emotional blow.

Kay: Yeah, a contrived emotional blow.
"Yes Mr. Edgeworth." Kay went to press it when all of the sudden we heard Phoenix voice shouting with news.

Phoenix: How does one shout with news?
"I figured it out! You have to come over right away!" he shouted.

"And bring the snacks!" Maya shouted as the phone stopped. I remembered we had a case to solve.

Phoenix: Wait, so I just solved the mystery offscreen?

Maya: Wow! Congrats, Nick!

Edgeworth: That story might've been worth exploring. Instead we get this uncomfortable romantic tripe.
"Lets go!" I said.

"But Ms. von Karma," she started.

"Kay, think about it. Would you want to be with Connor?" I asked. She shook her head. "Come on. Franziska will come when she's ready." We headed out the door bringing Franziska's whip and the bag of food and left for Wright's office.

Maya: Wait, who's Connor again?

Edgeworth: Yumihiko Ichiyanagi, one of my antagonists from Investigations 2.

Maya: Oh. Then, wait. That question doesn't make sense.

Kay: I think the author meant, "Would you do the same if Yumihiko was in Ms. von Karma's position?" It was just poorly worded.

Edgeworth: Much like the rest of this insufferable tale.
Time: May 5th 2:26 pm

Place: Wright and Co

Phoenix: Maybe now we'll get some answers in this weird case. Like how it's an international incident.
We knocked on the door and Wright flung it open.

"What took so long?" he demanded.

"We got the message twenty minutes ago," I answered running inside. "Man it's been pouring since we got out of the parking lot."

Phoenix: Did I somehow expect you to teleport or something? It's not like my office is right next door to yours, Edgeworth. Twenty minutes seems like a pretty reasonable time to wait.

Maya: Tell Fic-You that.
"Where's Franziska?" Iris asked sounding just as excited as Wright.

"I don't think she's joining us," I said.


Kay: Because she's throwing a hissy fit over a plot contrivance.

Edgeworth: Count yourself lucky that she isn't here to hear that, Kay.
"She needs to let out some steam," Kay quickly said. I gave her a look of gratitude. "Where's wolf-boy?"

Kay: Or, that works too.
"Well he said he get here as soon as possible but when it rains there's traffic," Iris said.

Phoenix: Wait, isn't Agent Lang staying in the city for the purpose of this case? Why would he need to drive?

Kay: Plot contrivance, Mr. Wright. Plot contrivance.
"Well we'll wait for he should be here soon," Wright said. "Or half an hour which ever comes first."

Phoenix: So, either he's going to be here sometime in the near future, or in half an hour. Who would say something like that? This is not how people talk.
"And you bag on us," I said. He looked at me with his stare.

Edgeworth: Case in point. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here.
"We figured a lot out," he said. Pearl entered the room. "Hi Pearls."

"Speaking about that weren't you filling out Pearls applications?" I asked.

"We finished early," Phoenix said regaining his control.

Maya: I knew you'd come through for Pearly!

Phoenix: My question is does this fact add anything to the story?

Kay: And the survey says: No.
"Mr. Edgeworth," Pearl began. I looked at her. "Did something happen?"

"Well to put it simply yes," I said.

"What happened?" Iris said showing her comforting side.

Maya: Overused shipping story clichés, that's what happened.
"Well in the span of twenty minutes, I had an encounter with a girl from high school, she kissed me. OW!" Pearls slapped me. "Ok I deserved that but still. Ow."

Phoenix: I'm still waiting for the part where she beats me up for hanging out with Iris instead of Maya.

Maya: You're a glutton for punishment, aren't you, Nick?

Phoenix: You know what I mean, Maya. *mutters under his breath* You do kinda have a point, though.
"That lady was not you're special someone!" Pearls said.

"Ok I knew that," I said. "Anyway Franziska saw- Aah." Pearls slapped me again.

"So that's why she's not here!" Wright said.

"How could you?" Pearls said. Maya nodded.

Phoenix: Pearls I can kinda understand, seeing as she's an incurable romantic. But seriously, what do I care about Edgeworth's love life?

Maya: Do you really want an answer to that, Nick?

Phoenix: No, not really.
"SHE kissed me!" I said. "I tried to get away but."

"Edgeworth I believe you," Wight said. "But you're gonna be slapped either way."

Phoenix: Again, why do I care about this? And didn't Pearls already slap him?

Edgeworth: I would've emphasized the "me" as well, but that's the least of the author's problems.
"Can I finish?" They nodded. "Anyway I went to explain things to her but she left. Then I got your call."


"I got it," I said. I opened the door to see Agent Lang. "Hey looks it Lang." The others pointed at him. I turned and he punched me.

Kay: What, now Agent Lang cares that you made Ms. von Karma cry? What was that all about?

Edgeworth: Hopefully, we'll never find out. But seeing as the author could very well intend to continue this story, that's merely wishful thinking.

*the lights come on*

Edgeworth: That, was uncomfortable on so many levels.

Phoenix: Love stories tend to make you feel that way, don't they?

Edgeworth: Bad ones, at least.

Maya: And the worst part is our bet still isn't settled. Mr. Edgeworth's still in Character Continuity Limbo.

Kay: Ah well. There's always next time.

Edgeworth: Please, Kay. Please don't insinuate that there's a next time.

*And so, our sporkers survive another chapter of plot contrivances. Will there be an explanation for the case? Why did Lang punch Edgeworth? Will Maya and Kay's bet ever be settled? Find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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And the hits just keep on coming.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part V

*We return to the Sporking Theater, as we normally do*

Edgeworth: You are more of a glutton for punishment than I thought, Kay. Why do you keep coming back?

Kay: I still have a pack of Swiss Cake Rolls on the line, Mr. Edgeworth. And I'm not leaving until my bet with Maya is settled.

Maya: Well, last time, everyone hated Mr. Edgeworth because a woman he never met before kissed him. I wonder if that's going to be resolved.

Phoenix: I'm more curious about how I solved the case offscreen. And how it's an international incident.

Edgeworth: As am I. Anything to distract me from the romantic nonsense.
Chapter 9

Kay: *singing* Waist deep in the Big Muddy, and the Management says to push on.

Speakers: Har har.

Maya: Um, that kinda went over my head.

Phoenix: I'll explain it later, Maya.
"Ow!" I said regaining consciousness. "What was that for?"

"Oh please, you know what," he said.

Edgeworth: Actually, we're not quite sure. We believe it's because of Franziska, but would you mind enlightening us, Agent Lang?
"You heard the story to?" I asked standing back up.

Edgeworth: Again, the confusion of to and too.

Maya: That makes...

Edgeworth: *glares* Don't say it.

Maya: Eep! *clams up*

Phoenix: Also, what story? The extremely contrived one about a stalker smooching Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma getting upset about it?

Kay: Most likely.

Phoenix: Great.
"Yeah," he said. "Wanna hear about it." We nodded.

Edgeworth: Questions end with a question mark. What about that concept is so difficult to grasp?!

Phoenix: I swear, these people need to hire proofreaders. It would at least give us one less thing to complain about.
Time: May 5th 2:05 pm

Place: local bar

Agent Lang POV

Edgeworth: I suppose there are worse ways to introduce a flashback.

Kay: See the previous chapters for examples.
I was inside the local bar, which is about eight minutes from the prosecutor's office. When I got inside it began to poor. I saw sis sitting there in one of the tables.

Edgeworth: Homophones are not interchangeable!

Phoenix: Wow. For a second, I thought Edgeworth would break his self-imposed ban on all caps.

Edgeworth: It hasn't gotten to that point yet, Wright.
"Franziska!" I said. She looked up. Her eyes looked like a mix between sad and angry.

Phoenix: Refresh my memory, were Ms. von Karma and Agent Lang on a first-name basis?

Edgeworth: Not really, no.

Phoenix: Okay, just checking.
"What do you want?" she asked coldly.

"Well I wanted a drink, but not now." I said. I grabbed an extra seat. "What's wrong?"

Edgeworth: And you're not ordering a drink while you're talking to her why, exactly? If anything, I would've offered to buy her a drink as well.

Phoenix: Eh, I'd feel iffy about that. Remember, this is Franziska von Karma we're talking about. If she's in a bad mood, stretching out an olive branch to her is an invitation to get whipped.

Edgeworth: Not all the time.
"Honestly Lang," she tried to say. "I don't want to be anywhere near a man right now."

Kay: Oh great. Because of this contrived love triangle enacted by someone we don't know, she thinks that all men are scum.

Maya: To be fair, I think she's aware of the fact that she's not thinking straight. That's why she said she didn't want to deal with men at that moment.

Kay: Huh?

Maya: It's a shipping story. Not even the lousiest of shipping authors would go that far unless they wanted to add a slash pairing to the mix, and I don't think that's what the author's going for.
"What happened?" I asked keeping my cool.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said standing up.

Maya: Good, because we don't want to hear it. We got sick of it the first time.
"Miss," a waitress said holding a bottle in a bag.

"I didn't order anything," Franziska said.

"It's on the house," the waitress said. She gave it to Franziska.

Phoenix: If the point of this is to establish why Ms. von Karma shows up in a drunken stupor later, I'm gonna lose it.

Maya: And what if there is no point?

Phoenix: Then I'll give the author a medal for wasting our time. He/she can put it next to their "Longest Fic Ever Sporked" trophy, which he/she insists on keeping.
"Thank you," Franziska said. My phone buzzed. It was a message from that blue suit lawyer. He needed us to be there. When I looked up Franziska was leaving.

Phoenix: Hey, Agent Lang! I just solved the case offscreen while you were doing who knows what! Pretty cool, huh?
"Franziska where are you going?" I asked a bit louder than need be.

"I'm walking to the hotel I'm staying at," she said coldly.

"You're gonna catch you're death out there!" I shouted.

Edgeworth: How does someone use a word correctly and incorrectly in the same sentence?! This is intolerable!
"I have an umbrella!"

"But sis-"

"I don't want to be anyone's foolish sister!" she screeched as she ran out.

Maya: Did she just call herself foolish?

Phoenix: Ms. von Karma, wherever you are, you are lucky Kay's taking your place on this one. You wouldn't have survived.
I stood there for a moment. "Mr. Prosecutor."

Phoenix: You know, you wouldn't have deduced that without Ms. von Karma's comment about wanting to not deal with men. Otherwise, she could've easily been talking about her older sister.

Edgeworth: Very astute, Wright. Although I'm not sure about whether or not to give the author brownie points for thinking about that.

Maya: Ooh, ooh! Give them to me! I want brownies!

Phoenix: Aren't you poised to win two hamburgers from Kay if Edgeworth stays in-character for the whole fic?

Maya: That's my dinner stomach. I have a dessert stomach, too.

Phoenix: *sighs* You and your multiple stomachs.
Edgeworth's POV

Kay: *takes out a deck of cards from her satchel* Pick a narrator! Any narrator!
"And then I had the sudden urge to hit you." Agent Lang wrapped up. We stood there. "Anyway, what's up Mr. Blue-suit?"

Phoenix: So we were right. He did hit Edgeworth because of Ms. von Karma.

Maya: Wait, what does he care about Mr. Edgeworth's love life?

Edgeworth: Furthermore, wasn't there a kidnapping case we were supposed to be solving?
"Oh right."

Phoenix: Seems like our fictitious counterparts are thinking the same thing. Alright then, let's get some answers!
"Mr. Nick figured out how the cases are connected," Pearls said.

"Really now," Lang said.

Phoenix: Did I also figure out what makes the case an international incident?
"Yeah," Wright said. "I figured it out just after we finished with the Pearl stuff. So Pearl wanted to watch a Disney Movie and that's when it clicked.

"Mickey Mouse did it?" Kay jokingly asked.

"No the kidnappings. They're based on fairytales!"

Everyone: ...

Phoenix: Can I field this one?

Edgeworth: By all means.

Phoenix: Thanks. *deep breath* HOW THE HECK WERE WE SUPPOSED TO FIGURE THAT OUT?! I mean, it's an interesting plot, and it makes sense given the title. But seriously, this just comes out of nowhere!

Maya: Maybe if the author spent more time focusing on the investigation and less time on the shipping fluff, we wouldn't be so utterly confused.
"You're kidding me!" I yelled sounding surprised.

"No I'm not. I'm surprised we didn't figure it out when we were told about the pumpkin patch kidnapping," he said.

Phoenix: Okay, the pumpkin patch can be related to Cinderella, but I wouldn't have seen the connection back when we started sporking this mess.

Edgeworth: Honestly, neither would I.
"Oh yeah. The shoe is a dead give away. But how does that relate to the other seven kidnappings."

"Well I can only guess a couple. But that the jist of the kidnappings," Wright wrapped up."

Phoenix: Wait, the author isn't bothering to explain the connections in this exposition dump? Now it's even more confusing!

Edgeworth: I can deduce from what we know that the sewing museum relates to Sleeping Beauty, while the aquarium might be connected to The Little Mermaid. But if this is the case, the theory quickly falls apart.

Phoenix: Oh, I can't wait to hear this.

Edgeworth: The only connection to fairy tales in each kidnapping case is the scene of the crime. The evidence, with the exception of the shoe in the pumpkin patch, does not support the theory, or if it does, it's not readily apparent how. Because so much time was devoted to the romance, as Ms. Fey has stated, there was no way for the audience to follow along and solve the mystery along with the characters.

Kay: Not to mention that now our kidnapper looks like a total pervert. This story is rated T for Teen, right?

Phoenix: And on top of all that, we still don't know how this is an international incident!
"It's spooky," Maya said. Everyone else nodded.

Kay: You're telling me.
"But Why these girls?" I said.

"Beats me," Phoenix said.

Phoenix: Wait, I thought I solved the whole thing offscreen. How do I not know this?

Edgeworth: *smug grin* I knew you were bluffing, Wright.

Phoenix: Why would I bluff about this? Especially considering I managed to connect everything in a way hardly anyone saw coming.

Edgeworth: *Truth Bar damage* Nnngh. Still as formidable as ever, Wright.
"Looks like we have work to do," Lang said.

"Wright do you have a computer?" I inquired. Wright nodded.

Phoenix: Why wouldn't I?
"I don't really know how to work it but it's ok. Iris said so," Wright said.

Phoenix: Okay, I'll admit technology is not my greatest strength, but I like to think I'm more tech savvy than someone who lived in the mountains for several years. No offense to Iris or anything, but I doubt Hazakura Temple has a good wifi connection.

Maya: Note to self: Get wifi connection for Hazakura Temple.
"Kay and Iris you look up the fairytales online." Kay nodded running toward the computer. "Maya do you have an old-fashioned fairytale book?"

"Yeah. Some of the original versions," She said.

"Get it. Wright, get the evidence. We have a long way to go before solving the case."

Phoenix: You mean we have to sit through more of this nonsense?

Edgeworth: I for one hope not.

*the lights come on*

Maya: Aw, our bet still isn't settled.

Kay: Well, this one didn't focus a lot on Mr. Edgeworth, so that's probably why.

Phoenix: I am still pissed off about this sudden revelation about the fairy tale connection. There was no way to see that coming, and yet it was brought up as if it was supposed to be obvious.

Edgeworth: And it might've been, if the author didn't waste so much time with the romance. That's the sad part.

Phoenix: No, the sad part is that there might be more of this.

*And so our heroes survive another round. Will Edgeworth and Franziska live happily ever after? Will the fairy tale connection be explained? Are the kidnapper's motives truly as creepy as Kay says they are? Find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
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Last edited by Little_Thief on Sat May 18, 2013 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Time for more.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part VI

*We begin in the Sporking Theater, as is our wont*

Phoenix: This author clearly doesn't know when to pack it in.

Kay: Well, it is sporking policy that the author doesn't know they're being sporked. They probably haven't heard what we have to say.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Ms. Kay Faraday that breaking the Fourth Wall is strictly prohibited.

Kay: You should know by now that's not going to stop me.

Maya: I just hope our bet is settled soon. I'm getting hungry.

Phoenix: You're eating a bag of popcorn right now.

Maya: So? *munch munch munch*

Edgeworth: Actually, it would be in Kay's best interest if the bet were settled now. You would have to wait until the very end, Ms. Fey.

Maya: Don't try to discourage me, Mr. Edgeworth! I still say you're going to stay in-character for the rest of this story.

Edgeworth: *shrugs* It doesn't matter to me. What matters is that we get an explanation for the revelation last chapter.

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure we're not that lucky.
Chapter 10

Phoenix: Looks like we're in the double digits now. This author is clearly planning on maintaining their record.
"Hey guys look at this," Kay said. She was still on the computer.

"What?" we all said.

"They're so many fairytales and I can't tell which one's were looking for," Iris complained. Wright ran to comfort her. "Feenie people are watching."

Phoenix: Well, maybe if we established this connection earlier and explained it better, we wouldn't be having this problem, would we? Also, I don't think Iris would whine about something like this.

Edgeworth: Another confusion of homophones with there and they're. Why am I not surprised?

Maya: *opens her mouth*

Edgeworth: The question was rhetorical, Ms. Fey. Don't answer it.

Maya: *pouts* You're no fun.
"No please continue," Maya said joyfully.

Phoenix: Okay, that was semi-weird.

Maya: Semi-weird?

Phoenix: Well, you never had a problem with me and Iris being together. You even poked fun at me for it. But again, Iris wouldn't need comforting over this, so the statement still feels out of place.

Maya: Oh. Gotcha. *munches on her popcorn*
"Guys." Kay said.

"Yes Kay?" I said.

"Look Cinderella was French." Kay said. "Like the lady who was kidnapped." We stood for a couple of seconds

Edgeworth: Alright, I'll give the author some credit on this one. The first published story of Cinderella was indeed in a French book of fairy tales.

Kay: And once again, the kidnapper looks like a pervert.

Phoenix: I don't know if I'd go that far.

Kay: C'mon, Mr. Wright. It's obvious this guy has a sick fetish for fairy tale princesses and heroines.

Edgeworth: At least, that's the only conclusion we can draw right now. The author hasn't explicitly told us the motive yet.
"Spooky," Iris finally said.

Phoenix: No, as Edgeworth explained, it actually kinda makes sense. I just wished it was explained to us properly instead of being dropped on our heads out of nowhere.
"Well that narrows the search down," Lang said. "We only need to look up French, Danish, and German fairytales."

A little while later, I had a realization.

"Of course," I said.

Edgeworth: Unless I'm drawing connections to the crime scenes I already investigated with Franziska, there's no reason for me to say this.
"What Edgeworth?" Wright said.

"Kay, Maya, look up Sleeping Beauty and The Little Mermaid." Maya gave Agent Lang the Sleeping Beauty copy while she took the Little Mermaid.

Phoenix: Well, you were right, Edgeworth. You were drawing connections to the crime scenes you already investigated.

Kay: But we still have no idea how the other crime scenes are connected, or if we do, it's not readily apparent.

Maya: It would've been if the author spent more time on the investigation and less time on the stupid romance. And no, I'm not letting that go.
"Here are some snacks." Iris said. We all took some.

Kay: Well, that came out of nowhere.

Phoenix: Wouldn't be the first time that happened in this story.

Maya: Thanks, Iris. But I got my own. *munches on her popcorn*
"Hey in the original Sleeping Beauty. The chick woke up during-"

"Wolf-boy"! Maya yelled. "Ild-chay in the oom-ray."

Maya: What's wrong with Sleeping Beauty? There's nothing in that story that Pearly's too young to understand.

Phoenix: Considering how much she wants me and Maya to be together, I wouldn't be surprised if that story was one of her favorites.
"Sorry," Lang said. "But the story matches with the museum kidnapping. Spindle, spinning wheel, Tierra shaped keychain."

Phoenix: Well, now it does. It didn't before that big revelation last chapter.

Kay: I think we were sidetracked by the romance and the plot contrivances. Remove those two elements, and we would've been able to figure it out no sweat.

Edgeworth: Or at the very least, it would've made more sense once we figured it out.
"The aquarium one too," Kay said. "The girl had a sore throat. And the exhibit was the Baltic seas, where the book took place."

Edgeworth: Again, credit where credit is due. The author really knows quite a bit about fairy tales, and the connections do make sense now that they're explained to us.

Maya: But because we spent so much time with the romance, the revelation came out of nowhere.

Phoenix: Not to mention that we still don't know how this is an international incident.
"Ok I crossed referenced a lot of fairytales," Iris said, handing us all some papers.

"Rapunzel. Thumbelina. Beauty and the Beast. Hansel and Gretel. Little Red Riding Hood," I said.

Edgeworth: Let's see if I can work this out. The kidnapping in the woods where the picnic basket was found was Little Red Riding Hood, the hair salon girl from Germany is Rapunzel, and that's about all I can gather.

Phoenix: *playfully* You were holding out on us, weren't you, Edgey?

Edgeworth: Hardly. I probably would've figured it out sooner had this been more competently written.

Kay: Wow, this sporking's getting stale. I feel like we're just repeating ourselves.

Phoenix: Well, what else is there to say?
"Why Little Red and Hansel and Gretel?" Lang asked.

"There pretty famous," Wright said.

Phoenix: I like Edgeworth's reason better. At least for Red Riding Hood, we still don't know how Hansel and Gretel fits into all this.
"Well I don't like Little Red Riding Hood. It's totally fake," Lang muttered.

"As are all fairytales," I replied. Lang rolled his eyes.

Edgeworth: Besides which, your personal preferences are not relevant to the matter at hand, Agent Lang.

Kay: Almost makes you wonder why he brought it up in the first place.
"I think it's mean," Pearl declared. "Using fairytales like that." Just then Lang's phone rang. When he was finished the call we stared at him.

Kay: I'd say it's more perverted than mean, but you'll probably figure that out when you're older.

Maya: You're not letting that go, are you?

Kay: Nope!
"They found the girls in different locations. No signs of the kidnappers. One is in a coma." Iris gasped as Wright comforted her again. "Three are paralyzed. Two lost their memory, seems to be long term. One's insane." Maya gasped. "An the other two are too beaten up to talk."

Phoenix: Well, look at that. We found the victims. Case closed.

Edgeworth: Not quite. We still don't know why the kidnappers released the victims without any form of ransom, nor do we know why all of them are so psychologically traumatized. Some of it fits with the fairy tale theme, such as the girl in a coma being connected to Sleeping Beauty, but there is no logic behind their actions other than the fairy tale motif. They clearly don't want money, and they don't seem to be making some kind of radical statement, or if there is one, it doesn't make sense. Our criminals' actions seem to be completely arbitrary.

Kay: I still say they're sick perverts.
"Oh no," Kay said. Lang nodded.

"Well Little Red fits the dog park one," Wright said getting back to solving the case.

Phoenix: Solving the case? Edgeworth just said that there are still questions left unanswered. Like how the heck is this an international incident?
"I think Thumbelina fits the pond one. With the locket and stuff," Iris said. "Yeah I'm sure it does."

Edgeworth: Alright, there's something I should point out here. There's another reason that these connections weren't obvious.

Phoenix: Another one?

Edgeworth: Indeed. And it ties into what I believe to be the author's greatest strength, which is the extensive knowledge of fairy tales.

Phoenix: Oh? How so?

Edgeworth: This mystery seems to be tailor-made for those who are deeply familiar with fairy tales. Anyone who is not familiar with the material cannot form the connections on their own, such as the one Sister Iris mentioned above. Who else besides those who know the story of Thumbelina inside and out would connect the locket and the pond from the prologue with that story? Very few, I would imagine.

Phoenix: Any way to fix that?

Edgeworth: Certainly. Have the kidnapper leave passages from the stories at the crime scene. And they wouldn't have to be that obvious, either.

Maya: You mean make the Riddler the kidnapper? That'd be awesome! "Riddle me this, Miles Edgeworth!"

Edgeworth: Not exactly what I had in mind, but even that would be better than this tripe.
"What confuses me is Hansel and Gretel," Maya said. "It was a girl and a boy, who were taken by the evil witch."

"One was a tomboy," Lang explained. We nodded. "The sandwich was eaten and the crumbs were still there. Interesting."

Edgeworth: Are you talking about the victim or the character? While the former makes sense, you still have to establish that to the reader. You can't just make us guess.

Phoenix: Establishing things is not this author's strong suit, Edgeworth. I thought you would know that by now.
"Beauty and the Beast fit the last one. With the rose petals, the teacups and the mirror, those were important."

Kay: Rose petals and mirror, yes. Teacups, I'm not so sure.

Maya: How are the teacups not important? They danced and sang and everything!

Edgeworth: *groans*
"I feel like we're missing something," I said. The looked up to me. "Well think about it. Why nine fairy tales. And Thumbelina is least famous of the nine."

Edgeworth: That's the least of my conundrums.

Phoenix: The most would be how in the name of all that is holy is this an international incident?! Ten chapters in and they still haven't explained that!
"That's true. It's like a really, really famous one isn't there and we don't know what it is," Iris said. Lang looked down deep in thought.

Phoenix: If it's really really famous, how do we not know what it is?

Edgeworth: And if this implies that there will be a future kidnapping, the kidnapper releasing all of the prisoners makes even less sense. If this was a warning for future kidnappings, the victims would be released one at a time, not all at once. This only serves to further prove that the motive behind the kidnappings is completely illogical and arbitrary.

Kay: And perverted. Don't forget perverted.

Edgeworth: That would imply logic. Sick logic to be sure, but logic nonetheless.
"Agent Lang?" I said.

"All the chicks had boyfriends," He started.

"But we proved that they-" Maya began.

"Let me finish," Lang interrupted. "They all had rough times, unlike fairytales. It's like they knew it was going to happen."

Phoenix: Wait, who knew it was going to happen, the boyfriends? That doesn't make sense, unless they're the kidnappers, which in and of itself doesn't make sense.

Edgeworth: And if they had these suspicions, why did they not contact the police and have them investigate before the kidnappings took place?

Kay: Just another plot contrivance, Mr. Edgeworth. I've grown to expect those by now.
"You mean it was planned?" Pearl asked. "That's so mean."

Kay: Nah, I already did that joke.
"Not all of them but most of them," Lang said.

Edgeworth: I'm pretty sure kidnapping is a crime no matter what the motive is. Not to mention we have no reason to think that there are different motives behind the kidnappings. In fact, it's clearly stated that they're all interconnected.
Pearl gasped and looked at me.

"Yes Pearl?"

"That lady who kissed you!" She started. "You don't think?"

Maya: Wait, now that stalker of yours is involved, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: If she is, I have no idea how.
"No!" I shouted standing up. "It can't be." I looked at them. They had sarcastic looks. "Well it's not."

Edgeworth: One, how can I prove that? Two, why would I want to prove that? Three, what exactly would I be trying to prove? As far as I'm concerned, she's completely irrelevant to the case at hand.

Maya: Tell Fic-You that.
"Edgeworth do you have your yearbook?" Wright asked. I gave it to him after a few minutes of searching through my bag. "What was her name?" Wright asked.

Maya: It was Susan. No, wait! Carol!

Edgeworth: Also, why would I have my yearbook on hand?

Kay: Plot contrivance, that's why.
"Carol Smith," I answered.

Edgeworth: And, how did I know her surname if I didn't even get her first name right?

Kay: *singing to the tune of Ode to Joy* Plot contrivance, plot contrivance...

Phoenix: That answer your question, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Nnngh...
Iris ran to the computer. "I haven't seen her in years. Why would she do it for some kidnapping organization? Iris what are you doing?"

"Looking at criminal records," she said.

Edgeworth: And once again, we have no logical flow from one idea to the next. We have no reason to suspect that this stalker of mine has anything to do with the kidnappings, let alone that she's one of the kidnappers.
"OK I can do that legally. Let me on," Lang ordered. Iris let him on while still standing there.

Phoenix: What, we were doing it illegally before? Why? And since when is Iris a hacker?

Maya: Since the plot called for it. *munches on her popcorn*
"Edgeworth," Wright said. I looked at him. "I looked everywhere any I can't find a Carol Smith. Are you sure she was in your grade?"

Phoenix: Wait, I thought Agent Lang was looking that up. The author really must not be paying any attention.

Kay: And it appears you got her name wrong again, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: An easy mistake to make when I don't even know the person.
"Positive!" I said grabbing the book. I looked everywhere. Finally I looked at the homecoming page. There was the list of nominees. "That sneaky-"

"Edgeworth," Wright said giving me a glare. "Kid in room."

Maya: Yeah, Mr. Edgeworth. Show some consideration.

Edgeworth: Nnngh...

"This the girl?" Lang said showing us a file.

"Yeah that's her."

"She was found guilty for assisted kidnapping about two years ago. She got off parole about three months ago," Iris read.

Phoenix: And once again, that came out of nowhere. She wasn't even an established character until what, seven chapters in? And even then, all she did was create dramatic tension for the ill-conceived romance.

Edgeworth: I'd say that the author was afraid of making the mystery too obvious to solve, but that would be giving them too much credit.
"Guys look at this," Kay said. We ran over to her. "I was looking at the names of the victims in the order that they were kidnapped, and I found a clue. A pretty big one at that. Like a calling card."

"Well what you find?" Maya asked.

"The names go like this. Shannon. Nova. Olivia. Wren. Willa. Hayden. Irma. Taylor and Elaine."

Edgeworth: So, they stage all these kidnappings just to build up to another kidnapping based on Snow White. This scheme makes less and less sense every time we get more information about it.

Maya: Yeah, the only way it would make sense if it was the Riddler behind everything.

Edgeworth: I would gladly take that over this Carol Smith woman I don't even know. Some better grammar would be nice, too.
"You're point?" Lang said impatiently.

Kay: No, I'm the Yatagarasu. Who's Point?

Maya: *bursts out laughing* Good one! *high fives Kay*

Phoenix: *chuckles slightly*

Edgeworth: *sighs*
"If you take all the first letters of the names you get S, N, O, W, W, H, I, T E," Kay started.

"Snow White," I concluded. "Quick! Look it up!"

Phoenix: We already figured that out five minutes ago. Try to keep up, author.
"Edgeworth," Wright said.

"Is this about the case or about that imposter?"

Phoenix: What impostor? We never mentioned anything about an impostor, let alone an imposter.

Edgeworth: Just a simple spell and grammar check. That's all I ask.
"Both. Edgeworth she was on that plan," Wright proclaimed. I turned toward him sharply.

Phoenix: And this is brought up as if everyone is supposed to know what I'm talking about. This author makes too many assumptions about their audience.

Maya: At least he/she isn't really insulting our intelligence this time.

Phoenix: No, but I'd argue that he/she went too far in the opposite direction.
"But who would they be targeting? The only one who's foreign is Lang and he doesn't fit the deception at all. He's a man. And you'd think he'd be targeted for Little Red Riding hood."

"I'm right here you know."

Kay: That, doesn't fit the kidnappers' MO at all. They wanted Little Red Riding Hood, not the wolf.

Phoenix: I like how even the author admits that there is no real reason for this to be considered an international incident.
"Edgeworth! You're forgetting someone," Wright said. I glared at him.

"You can't possibly mean!" Wright nodded. "Franziska does not fit the bill Wright! She's at her apartment."

Edgeworth: How would I know that? All I know is that Agent Lang bumped into her at the bar.

Kay: Ignoring that, Mr. Edgeworth does have a point. Ms. von Karma doesn't really have anything to do with fairy tales.

Maya: You forget, this is a shipping story. We already established that the kidnappers were planning to go after her, even though knowing Ms. von Karma, that is the dumbest idea in the history of ever.

Phoenix: I can vouch for that. I have the whip marks to prove it.
"Actually she's at a hotel until her building is fixed up. Um, The Regal Plaza I think," Lang said.


"Mr. Edgeworth, Snow White stays at a place that does not belong to her. Franziska is just staying at the hotel," Maya said. I glared at her.

Edgeworth: Alright, that's stretching things a bit. She paid for the room, so for the time being, it does belong to her.
"Mr. Edgeworth!" Kay said. "I know you want to keep her safe, but arguing about it isn't going to help anyone."

"How do we know it even fits her? We don't even know which country-"

"Snow White's German," Iris said as she looked at the computer.

Edgeworth: Further proving the point that these kidnappings are arbitrary. They could've easily gone after any number of German girls, most of whom would probably fit the story of Snow White better than Franziska. Though again, it's clear the author did their research into fairy tales, as the story of Snow White did originate in Germany.

Phoenix: I wish they would put more effort into other things.

*the lights come on*

Kay: Pay up, Maya. No way would Mr. Edgeworth care so much about a woman he barely knows.

Maya: But he still had a point. There was no reason to suspect Susan or Carol or whatever her name was. He's still in Character Consistency Limbo as far as I'm concerned.

Kay: But it's so obvious that he defended her for emotional reasons.

Maya: Kay, nothing this author says is obvious. Everything comes out of nowhere.

Phoenix: Either that, or it's something only people who are really fairy-tale-savvy would get.

Edgeworth: The worst part is that if this story continues, the romance is going to take center stage once again. I am not looking forward to that.

Phoenix: I don't think anyone is, Edgeworth.

*And so, our sporkers leave the theater, Kay and Maya arguing about their bet all the way. How will Franziska von Karma be kidnapped? What are the kidnappers planning? And what animal walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening? Find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
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Last edited by Little_Thief on Sat May 18, 2013 12:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Yay! I love this thread! I used to get so annoyed at bad AA fanfiction. Especially one's that made Nicky and Edgey into wife-beating jerks. Why would they wright (ha!) something like that!

Anywho, these are hilarious. I'd like to do one myself. I haven't been on fanfiction for ages so it'll be fun!
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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The answer was Man, in case anyone was interested.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part VII

*We begin in the Sporking Theater (I know, big shocker, right?)*

Phoenix: So, you two settled your bet?

Maya: Yeah. We agreed that Mr. Edgeworth slipped out of character for that one moment he defended his stalker.

Edgeworth: Well, if that's the case, what's Kay still doing here?

Kay: Oh, we decided to go double-or-nothing on the kidnapper's plot. I say they're perverts.

Maya: And I say their plot isn't going to make any sense whatsoever. And if I win, I get two burgers and two bowls of miso ramen.

Kay: And if I win, I get two packets of Swiss Cake Rolls. One of them to give to Gummy, of course.

Phoenix: *shrugs* Okay then, whatever makes you girls happy.

Edgeworth: I'm sure we all know what would make me happen right about now, but we don't really have any control over that.

Phoenix: That we do not.
Chapter 11

Phoenix: This is probably going to be from Ms. von Karma's point of view, considering where the last chapter left off.
"That foolishly foolish fool. How could he just kiss some stranger? HOW!" She looked at the bottle that waitress gave her at the bar. She popped it open and poured it into a glass.

Kay: Wait, what? No establishing caption? No first-person narration? What gives?

Maya: Also, who's "she"? Ms. von Karma?

Edgeworth: Most likely, since it was established that she got a drink from the bar before storming out on Agent Lang. But the author not establishing this simply baffles me.

Phoenix: I know what you mean. This is sloppy, even for this author.
"I don't particularly like apple flavored drinks but who cares!" she shouted.

Phoenix: Was there any point to that exclamation?

Edgeworth: Probably to catch the reader up on what is going on. The drink is obviously going to play the part of the poisoned apple from the Snow White story.

Maya: How delightfully random.
She places the drink down and screamed the life out of her. Cursing at the man who broke her heart. "I hope he pays!"

Edgeworth: There's no reason to separate those two thoughts. I do believe we can add sentence structure to the casualty list.

Maya: Other than that, it seems to be the typical angsty shipping stuff. Can I go to sleep now?

Phoenix: For the last time, Maya. You're not abandoning us.
She did not feel this angry since about two years ago.

Edgeworth: Oh, no. This is going to be painful.

Kay: And cue the flashback caption.
Franziska walked up to the calendar, her long hair following her. Franziska looked at the date. March 3rd. It has only been about a week since Miles Edgeworth's last case. She knew that Gant had pealed under his skin with his last comment, so she decided to visit him.

Kay: Um, hello? Where's the flashback caption? *take a bullhorn out of her satchel and begins shouting into it* FLASHBACK CAPTION TO THE SET!

Edgeworth: *winces* Not in my ear.

Kay: Oops. *puts the bullhorn away* Sorry, Mr. Edgeworth.

Phoenix: Anyone want to guess what tense the author is shooting for here?
When she got there she saw a lot of reporters. She managed to squeeze through the crowd. Inside she saw a prosecutor who's name escaped her.

Edgeworth: Great. If there's anything this story was lacking, it was more homonym confusion.

Phoenix: Also, what's the point of not naming the prosecutor she's talking to?

Kay: It's either the running joke about Winston Payne's lack of presence, or the author was just lazy. Judging by how much effort was put into this chapter, I'm banking on the latter.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Ms. Kay Faraday that breaking the Fourth Wall is strictly prohibited. Not that you're going to listen to us, anyway.

Kay: You'd better believe it.
"Excuse me?" she said to the man. "What's going on?"

"They found a note in Mr. Edgeworth's office," he said. "The note said that Miles Edgeworth chose death. He left a suicide note."

Edgeworth: *groans* I knew this would be painful.

Phoenix: Yeah, I hear you, Edgeworth. We can only hope that the author handles this with grace and dignity.
"No," she tried to get out.

"I'm sorry Ms. von Karma, but yes," the man said.

"You're Lying!" Franziska screamed. "HE'S NOT DEAD!"

"Ms. von Karma calm down!" She whipped him.

"THE FOOL ISN'T DEAD!" she cried out falling to the ground. "He can't be dead."

Maya: So much for grace and dignity.

Edgeworth: Nngh, indeed. The sentiment is alright and all, but Franziska's overreaction is uncalled for.

Phoenix: Yeah, the only thing that would justify that reaction is if this was a shipping story or something.

Edgeworth: Nnngh...
The office had her escorted home because they felt she was in no condition to drive. There she cried and cried. She stormed to her room. There she got out her scissors, and cut her hair so suddenly it surprised her. She continued to cut it until her hair was down to her shoulders.

Kay: Wait, this is the explanation the author gives us as to why she had shorter hair when she was older? That is so contrived, it's almost ingenious.

Edgeworth: Though the prospect of Franziska wearing her hair long for five years is hard to swallow.

Kay: Hence why it's so contrived.
It was at that moment she decided to get her revenge. She would beat Miles Edgeworth and make him pay for all the pain he caused her in the last four months.

Phoenix: Four months? What did Edgeworth's case have to do with why Ms. von Karma wanted to get revenge against him? I thought she didn't care about her father.

Edgeworth: If that was the least of this story's problems, I'd be thrilled. At least it would spark some interesting debate.
"How could I have so foolishly loved him," she said. "All he ever done to me was hurt me."

Phoenix: Um, are we back in the present? That's something you have to establish, author.

Kay: Hmm. Maybe it's not laziness. Now that I'm looking at it more carefully, I think this chapter was rushed.

Maya: Rushed? The author's not on a deadline or anything.

Edgeworth: And given how sporadic the updates have been, there was no reason to assume that the author was in any kind of hurry.

Kay: Hey, just throwing the possibility out there.

Maya: Anyone have anything to say about the actual dialogue?

Kay: Nothing that already wasn't said before. The awkward wording, the angst-filled shipping plot point, it's all there.
Franziska went back to her counter to get the drink she laid earlier. She took one big gulp and collapsed.

Kay: Show of hands. Who didn't see that one coming?

Maya: At least she's not in a drunken stupor, right Nick?

Phoenix: Not that this is much better. It's just part of a contrived kidnapping that makes no sense.

Kay: No, I still say the kidnappers are perverts.

Kay: Ms. von Karma, what's going on over there? Ms. von Karma?! MS. VON KARMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

*MGS Game Over music plays over the speakers*

Speakers: Who?! What?! When?! Where?! Why?! How?!

Maya: I thought you already did a Metal Gear Solid joke.

Kay: *flashes a goofy grin* I know, but I couldn't resist messing with the Management like that. It's kinda my thing.

*the lights come on*

Phoenix: Wait, that's it?

Kay: Ah-ha. More proof that this chapter was rushed.

Edgeworth: I guess we'll only know for sure when more chapters come out.

Phoenix: When?

Edgeworth: In the immortal words of Dante: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

Phoenix: Say no more, old friend.

*And so, our sporkers survive another round. Was this chapter truly rushed? What dangers lie in store for Franziska von Karma? And how the hell did Kay drum up that musical cue at the end? We probably won't get an answer to that last one, but for the rest, find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
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My Fan Trial, Spirit's Turnabout
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Guess what time it is, folks?

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part VIII

*We open in the Sporking Theater, as usual*

Kay: Alright, guys. I sent some tea and crumpets to the Management as a Christmas present, so they promised not to bug us about the Fourth Wall for this chapter.

Phoenix: I still don't know why that works, but hey, anything to make this experience less annoying.

Maya: Now if only they'd show us some good stories around here.

Edgeworth: Merely wishful thinking, Ms. Fey. Though your sentiments are shared.
AN: Merry Christmas Eve or Christmas depending on where you are. Here is the next Chapter for you.

Maya: *deadpan* Oh goody, just what I wanted.

Phoenix: Now now, Maya. It's the thought that counts, after all.

Edgeworth: The only thought that has gone into this atrocity is the overly complicated kidnapping plot, and even that doesn't make sense.

Phoenix: Okay, good point.
Chapter 12

Phoenix: Hopefully it won't be like last time where everything felt rushed.
"Dammit!" I said as I hung up my cell.

Phoenix: You know, I should really learn to keep my mouth shut about things like this.

Kay: Well, this chapter was written on Christmas Eve. It's not entirely implausible that this chapter was rushed, too.

Edgeworth: It still doesn't excuse the sloppy writing. I mean, where are we? Last we checked, Franziska was out cold in her hotel. And who's talking?

Phoenix: I, guess it's you, Edgeworth. You're pretty much the only other narrator in this story.

Edgeworth: Yes, but the audience should not have to guess this sort of thing.

Phoenix: Hey, no argument here.
"We may be assuming the worst," Maya tried to say, as we got in the car.

Maya: And? And? Am I just going to leave it at that?
We went in Iris's car with Phoenix and of course Iris. The other ran to Lang's car. Luckily it wasn't pouring like it was before.

Phoenix: Looks like it. Also, Iris has a car now, apparently.

Edgeworth: And the author forgot how to pluralize as well. Brilliant.
"Now's not the time to be optimistic," Iris said. "Everybody buckled?" When we nodded she literally through us to the back of our seats. Wright clung to his legs like a scaredy cat.

Edgeworth: I'm getting quite tired of this homophone confusion. Also, the author has no idea how I, or in fact adults in general, talk.

Maya: I didn't know you were so afraid of riding in cars, Nick. Is that why we don't have a car?

Phoenix: No, of course not! I just prefer public transportation, that's all.

Maya: *clearly not believing him* Right.

Phoenix: Oh, and I'm sure you'd feel just fine racing down a busy Los Angeles street at who knows how fast.

Maya: I don't know, it actually sounds like fun!

Phoenix: *groans* Someone help me...

Kay: I have to go with Maya on this one. I mean, what's the worse that could happen?
After a while when things were calming down, Phoenix looked up and screamed.


Phoenix: Does that answer your question?

Kay: Very much so. Right, let's move on.
Iris slammed on the brakes just in time. Lang sped of the road but everyone looked ok. We got out of the car to make sure that we were ok. Then we turned to the pedestrian. Kay immediately recognized him even though it was dark.

Kay: Um, Los Angeles is a city, you know. There are things called streetlights.

Edgeworth: Actually, this is another example of the author's failure to establish important details. We all assumed that the hotel Franziska was staying at was the Gatewater Hotel, which if I recall sits right next to Wright and Co. Law Offices. There's no reason for us to drive unless Franziska found lodging somewhere else.

Phoenix: How much do you want to bet that they put Ms. von Karma in some countryside hotel just to milk the Snow White motif for all it's worth?

Edgeworth: Not entirely implausible, considering everything else. But even then, the author should establish that we drove out of the city.
"Conner!" she shouted sounding annoyed. He looked pretty scared.

Maya: Um, remind me again, who's Conner?

Edgeworth: Yumihiko Ichiyanagi, from Investigations 2.

Kay: And now we come to the reason for the tea and crumpets I gave to the Management. Brace yourselves, folks. Things are about to get spoiler-y.
"I'M SORRY!" he kept shouting until we stopped him. "I didn't see the cars. When I looked both ways I didn't see them speeding along!"

Phoenix: Please tell me I'm not the only one finding that hard to believe.

Maya: I'm actually not sure what to believe. I mean, are we still in the city, or on the highway, or on some country road? I-I just don't know anymore!

Kay: I'd say we're in a plothole.

Maya: A plothole?! *hugs Phoenix* Help me, Nick! I don't want to turn into a Muppet!

Phoenix: Maya, relax! This fic is really not that crazy.

Kay: Kudos to everyone who got the reference, by the way.
"Now is not the time!" I shouted.

"Kid, get in the car!" Lang ordered. Conner stood there very confused. "NOW!" Conner ran inside Lang's car along with everyone else. In a flash we were back on the road. Of course Wright was now petrified.

Edgeworth: Right, so now we're randomly abducting people to help us with this mystery. Why aren't we leaving this to the police?

Maya: Because Interpol has the month off.

Phoenix: But we don't even know how this is an international incident!

Maya: I never said that explanation made sense.
When we got there, you have never seen two people park a car so fast as Lang and Iris just did. When I looked at Wright he was crying. I gave him a sarcastic look.

"You're a grown man."

"I know but I hate crazy driving," he said. Iris stared at him. Wright cringed just then. "I mean without a good cause." He laughed so nervously that I felt bad.

Phoenix: My question is who likes crazy driving? And why is Iris such a madwoman behind the wheel?

Edgeworth: Well, we are trying to see if Franziska is safe, so we are in a bit of a hurry.

Phoenix: And in that case, I really wouldn't panic like that. I'd be just as determined to get there as anyone else.

Kay: Let's just say that nothing about this driving scene makes a lick of sense and move on.
"Good Feenie. Now lets go," Iris said. We ran to the lobby. While Lang got the room number we stared at Conner. I'll tell you, he was very confused.

Edgeworth: I'm sorry, who is my doppelgänger addressing here? The audience?

Phoenix: Looks like it.

Edgeworth: Not really much point to this breach of the Fourth Wall, is there?

Phoenix: Not much.

Edgeworth: Still, it is pretty harmless. I suppose writing in the first person often leads to conversational slip-ups like this. At least I think it was a slip-up, there's no real indication about whether or not this was intentional.
"What were you doing in this neck of the woods idiot!?" Kay asked. Conner looked down.

"Please Kay. One angry girl at a time," I said. Kay huffed.

Kay: What? It's a legitimate question.

Maya: Did you really need to call him an idiot, though?

Kay: I'm going to say that I didn't, but only because we already established that the driving scene makes no sense in the first place.
"Well I was you know," Conner tried to say. "I-I" Kay smacked him on the back like he was chocking. "I was outside that bar by the office." We stared at him. "I didn't go inside! Anyway when I was there, I saw Franziska and she looked all mad and stuff and she went this way and then I-I saw Mr. Wolf guy going the other way and he looked like he was gonna hit something like a boy or a punching bag and I was concerned for Franziska and PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" he cried out.

Kay: Geeze, Yumihiko. Take a chill pill. *sighs* Mr. Edgeworth, I thought he was over this crybaby stuff.

Edgeworth: He was. I feel as though the author's grasp on continuity from the games gets looser and looser with each chapter.
"Relax idiot," Kay said. "We won't hurt."

"Anyway you were mean!" Conner yelled to me.

"Did you have to tell the kid?" I whined. Conner looked down.

Edgeworth: Well, that question doesn't make any sense. Also, why would I whine like that?

Maya: *whines* I thought you wanted whining~!

Edgeworth: Um, no, I didn't.

Maya: And it sails right over his head.

Kay: While Yumihiko acting like this still doesn't make sense, I kinda see where he's coming from.
"I didn't want him complaining about the whole 'GET IN THE CAR OR DIE' thing," Kay said.

Kay: Too bad Fic-Me is kinda slow on the uptake. Also, we weren't threatening him to get in the car, we just abducted him for no good reason.
"Is Mr. Conner your special someone?" Pearl asked standing close to Kay. She looked all-sweet again.

"We have more important things to worry about," Kay said avoiding the question.

Kay: Maya, does your cousin ask this to everyone?

Maya: Sometimes. She mainly sticks to talking about me and Nick being an item, though.

Phoenix: It kinda would make sense for her to expand her horizons as she got older, but the problem is she isn't that much older in the context of this story.
Lang walked up to us. We ran out of the lobby and to the elevator. I stopped cold.

"Suck in your fear Edgeworth," Wright said.

"Like your one to talk."

Edgeworth: My fear of elevators is irrelevant to the matter at hand. What's more, my retort does not make sense, even if we were to ignore the homophone confusion. Wright isn't afraid of elevators.

Phoenix: I don't know, Edgeworth. It's still a semi-accurate reaction.

Edgeworth: I, suppose.
"Ok listen," Iris said either we take the stair and miss them, or we take the elevator and save-"

"You are so cute when you're mad," Wright said.

"Please Feenie not now," Iris said. She was blushing a lot. "Remember rescue."

Maya: Pointless romance is pointless. Also, I thought this was a shipping between Mr. Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma, not Nick and Iris.

Phoenix: Also, why am I acting like this? Iris is right, we have more pressing matters to attend to.

Maya: Because shipping story?

Phoenix: But this story isn't even really about me and Iris! You just said that!

Maya: Well, it sounds better than "I have no flipping idea."

Phoenix: Okay, good point.
Wright nodded and we went into the elevator. Everyone made sure I got inside and didn't make a peep. The girls and Conner were a bit more considerate. When we reached the floor I was the first to get out, everyone else came out more calmly. They made sure I was ok and we ran to Franziska's room.

Kay: Oh, now the author decides to establish stuff. Yeah, we get it! You guys went up in the elevator! You don't need to write a monologue about it!

Edgeworth: Unless it offers insight into the characters, which in this case, it does not.
"Maybe she's mad at us," Iris brought up. We turned to Conner.

"Why are you looking at me?" he asked.

"You're the only one who she thinks doesn't know about the kidnapping thing," Kay explained. Conner looked very confused. "Just knock on the door and say maid service."

Edgeworth: I believe the term is room service. Besides, Franziska was only really mad at me. There's no reason for this charade.

Kay: Also, why didn't we brief Yumihiko on the way? Actually, don't answer that. We already established that the driving scene makes no sense.
*Knock, knock*

"Maid service!" Conner said joyfully. There was no answer. "Ma'am?" Conner shrugged at us. "Ma'am are you there?" Conner knocked on the door again. "Maybe she is taking a shower." Maya and Kay listened in putting their faces to the door.

Edgeworth: Again, it's room service.

Kay: Wait, Ms. von Karma knows Yumihiko, doesn't she? Wouldn't she recognize his voice?

Phoenix: A better question would be does him being here have any point whatsoever?
"I don't here anything," Kay said. Maya nodded. "I'm sure there's a good reason to this." Iris got out her phone.

"Iris, what are you doing?" Pearl asked.

"Calling Ms. von Karma," she explained. "Could someone give me her cell?" I gave it to her and she made the phone call.

Kay: Wait, I thought we already tried that. That's why we're at the hotel, isn't it?

Edgeworth: And once again, the author is not following their own writing.
"I hear it ringing," Kay said. "But nothing else, and I got really good hearing." She waited a couple more seconds."

"Ma'am," Conner said still sounding like a maid. "I'm coming in." Lang rushed to the door and crashed it open. Conner looked at the door after we closed it. "Hey. What do you know, it was open." Lang glared at the door.

"Not the time come on," I said. We only got as far as the counter to see something.

Edgeworth: I suspect the hotel staff would frown upon this. Which begs the question, why didn't we tell them about the mystery? They could've helped. Hell, why didn't we report to the front desk at all? Aren't you supposed to do that when you go to a hotel?

Kay: I think the author just wanted an excuse to make Yumihiko act like a maid. I have no basis for this theory, other than there's no other reason for Yumihiko to be here.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH HHH!" Maya yelped. The rest of us ran to her and we saw Franziska sprawled out on the floor. We were pretty stunned.

Kay: Okay, if it turns out we walked in on Ms. von Karma naked, I win the bet. The kidnappers are perverts, end of story.

Edgeworth: That wouldn't make sense. Then again, nothing about our antagonist's motivation does.
"Found it," Wright said. We turned to him. He was holding a bottle."

"The bottle Franziska brought home?" Lang asked. Wright nodded.

Phoenix: And I'd know this how?
"Look at the label," he gulped out. We looked at it.

"Apple of course," I said. Lang looked down.

Phoenix: Yeah, that was kinda established last chapter. It's not really a dramatic reveal if we already know what it is.

Kay: Also, there was very little doubt that it'd be anything else.
"Dammit!" he shouted. We stared at him. "Sorry kid." Pearl nodded.

"Not your fault," she comforted. We turned back to Franziska. She looked out cold. We managed to get her on my back to take her back to the office.

Edgeworth: So, the poison just knocked her unconscious? Why didn't the kidnappers take her then? This plot still doesn't make any sense.

Kay: I still say they're perverts.
AN: There appears to be relationship problems in this chapter. Not very fairytale like guys

Phoenix: Wait, is the author critiquing their own writing? Or is he/she actually talking to the characters?

Edgeworth: What I find more puzzling is the author's complaint of the lack of the fairy tale motif. Trust me, author. You have that part nailed down. Now try to expand beyond that and have the villain's motivation make some actual sense.

*the lights come on*

Kay: I'll try to scrounge up some more tea and crumpets in case Yumihiko plays a bigger role in this, although I doubt he's going to.

Edgeworth: Agreed. This chapter actually made less sense than anything leading up to it. The quality of this story is really slipping.

Kay: Meh, it still could've been rushed because of the holidays. We'll know for certain next time.

Phoenix: I really hope there isn't a next time.

*And so, our sporkers survive another round. Is the author rushing through these chapters? Was there a point in putting Yumihiko in the story? And did anything in that driving scene make any sense? Okay, that last one is pretty obvious, but for everything else, find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
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Last edited by Little_Thief on Sat May 18, 2013 12:18 am, edited 3 times in total.
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If they're doing Snow White, it would be funny if Victor Kudo was Grumpy. Dumb, but funny.
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Real Anime Law wrote:
If they're doing Snow White, it would be funny if Victor Kudo was Grumpy. Dumb, but funny.

Um, that wouldn't really make sense in the context of this story. Which already doesn't make a whole lot of sense, so make of that what you will. :yuusaku:
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Although I have only seen a few driving scenes in the (almost) hundreds of fanfiction I have read, I can safely say that never have I ever been witness to such a terrible, random, and out-of-place driving scene!

Great sporking, Little Thief! Keep up the good work.
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We don't know yet how many perps there are, but it might be tough to pull together seven of them. I'm guessing a witness who saw Franziska with the kidnappers would call the cops, so the other options for the dwarves are mannequins or other kidnapping victims. Or something abstract, like a bottle of sleeping pills for sleepy.
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PCWarrior wrote:
Although I have only seen a few driving scenes in the (almost) hundreds of fanfiction I have read, I can safely say that never have I ever been witness to such a terrible, random, and out-of-place driving scene!

Great sporking, Little Thief! Keep up the good work.

Thank you! And yes, that driving scene was totally nonsensical, even for this story. Also, seeing this is your first post, allow me to be the first to welcome you to Court Records. :goodman:

Now with that out of the way, onwards and upwards!

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part IX

*We begin in the Sporking Theater (you were expecting maybe the Gatewater Hotel?)*

Phoenix: Well, this chapter was written long after the holidays have ended. So hopefully, it won't feel as rushed as the previous two.

Maya: I thought you were going to keep your mouth shut about that sort of thing.

Phoenix: Oh, right.

Kay: Well, it's too late for that. This chapter is probably going to be rushed.

Phoenix: Eh, I still have a bit of hope.

Edgeworth: Do I need to repeat the Dante's Inferno quote?

Phoenix: Okay, good point.
Chapter 13

Maya: I wonder if this'll be lucky thirteen or unlucky thirteen?

Phoenix: Knowing our track record here, probably unlucky.
7 years earlier

Edgeworth: Oh, how lovely. Another pointless flashback.

Kay: I dunno. It doesn't feel entirely out of place, given where the previous chapter left off.

Edgeworth: That doesn't make it any less pointless, Kay.
"So you're going to leave now?" a girl asked. Miles turned to see Franziska at the door. Miles had just passed the bar exam and was officially a prosecutor. Franziska on the other hand still had a couple months to go before she was a prosecutor.

Edgeworth: If Franziska is talking, just call her Franziska. You don't need the air of mystery if you're going to address her by name in the next sentence.

Kay: Also, it appears the author has forgotten how to use pronouns.
"I'm leaving in August, if you want to know," Miles replied. "It's a lot to pack you know."

Phoenix: Am I alone in thinking those two thoughts don't really connect?

Edgeworth: I suppose in some sense they do, but the way it's presented, it does feel a bit disjointed.
"Why do you have to go back to America?" Franziska said sitting on his bed. "It's so American."

Maya: And, that's a bad thing?

Kay: *singing* I want to be in America,
Okay by me in America,
Everything free in America,
For a small fee in America!

Phoenix: Oh, how I wish I was watching that right now instead of reading this garbage.

Edgeworth: The real irony is that in the original Japanese version, she was from America.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Mr. Miles Edgeworth that breaking the Fourth Wall is strictly prohibited.

Kay: Hey! What happened to the tea and crumpets I sent you?

Speakers: We ran out. We still appreciate the gift, though.

Kay: Don't worry, guys. I'll be sure to find more when we have a chapter with a lot of AAI2 spoilers.
"Well that's where my disgust to criminals started so yeah," Miles said. Franziska rolled her eyes. "Look if you're going to miss me- ah." She whipped him with her riding crop.

"Foolish fool," she said. "I won't miss you." Miles nodded his head. "I mean it would be nice if you visited, but I will never miss you."

Maya: *singsong voice* Someone's in denial~! This is a shipping story~!

Phoenix: Maya, count yourself lucky that Ms. von Karma is not here to hear that.

Maya: Will do, Nick!
"Of course you won't Franziska," Miles said. Franziska laid on his bed. "I might miss you."

Edgeworth: The sentence would feel more complete if there was a "but" or "however" in there. As it stands, it just sounds awkward.

Phoenix: Much like the rest of this story's dialogue?

Kay: *rimshot*

Maya: Where did you get that drum set? No, wait. Let me guess. Trade secret?

Kay: *flashes a goofy grin* Yup!
"Foolishly foolish fool," Franziska sighed. "I'll be a prosecutor soon you know."

Edgeworth: Does the author just like omitting words for no reason? There's nothing grammatically wrong with the sentence or anything, but in this context, the word "too" would've helped.

Phoenix: Oh, goody. It's been a while since the author had that problem.
"Yes and then you'll be the youngest prosecutor ever," Miles confirmed. Franziska whipped him. "You can whip me all you want I still won't say it."

"But it's true," she shouted. "I will be the best prosecutor. I bet your first job is gonna be a failure or it gets canceled."

Kay: Nostradamus, ladies and gentlemen!

Edgeworth: *cringes* Don't even joke about that, Kay.

Kay: Oh, right. Sorry.
"Keep dreaming Franziska," he sarcastically said. She whipped him a couple more times.

"Watch you'll see," she mockingly said. "You will be the fool Miles Edgeworth."

Edgeworth: I would say the author has an aversion to commas, but they're still used at the end of the quotations. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Phoenix: I do.

Edgeworth: You do?

Phoenix: Yeah, it shows that this is lousy writing.

Maya: *rolls her eyes* Thank you, Captain Obvious.
"Yep I will miss you," Miles said.

"And I won't miss you," Franziska said. Miles could see she was looking down and clenching her fists.

Edgeworth: And once again, there's no reason for me to say that. This story must strictly be written through stream of consciousness. There's no other reason for the author to follow their own writing so loosely.
"Franziska, I'd be here in a heartbeat if you needed me," he said. "However, you got to solve your problems on your own, you know?"

Phoenix: What problems? If they're talking about the bullies, she's got a riding crop right there, and she's not afraid to use it.

Edgeworth: I certainly wasn't aware of any problems growing up. In retrospect, we were taught a faulty philosophy of law, but other than that, nothing really noteworthy.
"I don't need your foolish help, fool," she said. She was holding back her tears and Miles could tell. "Stop it."

"I'll come back for Christmas," Miles promised. Franziska made her smile again.

Maya: Ah, good old shipping fluff. Don't you love it?

Phoenix: Not really, no.

Maya: Yeah, me neither.

Kay: I suddenly regret making that Nostradamus joke.

Edgeworth: Why do you think I scolded you for it?
"Well that turned out well," Miles said as they left the courthouse parking lot. Franziska von Karma was close behind him. She was still shaken up from the events. "You ok?"

Edgeworth: Actually, it didn't turn out well. In fact, it could've gone a whole lot better. I don't know why I would say that.

Kay: Maybe because it could've gone a whole lot worse, too.

Edgeworth: Alright, maybe.
"Foolishly foolish fool," she said. "I'm just frustrated that criminal got away."

"It'll be fine," Miles replied. "Someday they'll get that Yew." She looked up. "You sure you ok."

Phoenix: *deadpan* Yay, more awkward wording. Seriously, Edgeworth. This author has no idea how you talk.

Edgeworth: Or how adults talk, for that matter.
"I guess," she said. "I just never had a gun pointed at me before. It got pretty bad in there."

"Franziska," Miles started. "Are you sure you can handle the job?" She whipped him.

Edgeworth: I'm pretty sure that sort of violence in the courtroom only happens once in a blue moon.

Phoenix: Not for me, it doesn't.

Edgeworth: I meant life-threatening violence.

Phoenix: So do I.
"Of course I can," she shouted. She ran in front of him. After a while Miles spoke up.

"I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"Little brother," Franziska said. "If you keep sheltering me, I won't get anywhere."

"I know," Miles admitted.

Maya: Yeah, that's what this story was missing. More shipping fluff.

Edgeworth: Not to mention it's shipping fluff that doesn't make sense. I'd trust Franziska to take care of herself.
"So this is what it's gonna be like," Franziska said sitting on a bench. Miles sat next to her.

"Well hopefully without the gun part," Miles sighed. Franziska nudged him. "What?"

"This is pretty nice. You know America." She gave her sweet smiles.

Maya and Kay: *conga line chant* Padding padding pad-ding! Padding padding pad-ding!

Phoenix: Hey, Edgeworth. Feel like dissecting that last sentence there?

Edgeworth: I fear my Truth Bar would be completely depleted if I tried.
"You better not lose that smile," Miles commanded.

"Miles!" Franziska shouted. Miles looked down. "I'm sorry but after today I just don't know what life will be like."

"Well whatever happens you'll always have me," Miles said. Franziska looked a bit shocked. Her stomach felt fluttery again. She mistook it for fear from earlier. She just smiled again.

Maya: And of course, it ends with shipping fluff. Why am I not surprised?
AN: Sorry so short. Aww we see Little Franziska again. Please R&R

Phoenix: What do you think we've been doing all this time?

*The lights come on*

Kay: Well, I take it back. It didn't really feel rushed. It just felt, out of place and horribly written.

Edgeworth: That's nothing new.

Maya: Well, it can only get better, right guys?

Edgeworth: Again, do I need to repeat the Dante's Inferno quote?

Maya: Well, someone has to keep spirits high around here!

Edgeworth: *sighs* Fair enough.

*And so, our sporkers leave in high spirits thanks to Maya. Will the author improve? Will Edgeworth and Franziska reconcile? And did this flashback add anything to anything? Okay, that last one's a given, but for everything else, find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
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A very good sporking!
This chapter was really short and for some reason I doubt it has something to do with the actual (shipping) story. As for the sporking itself, I really like the returning jokes, such as Maya's "shipping story" remindings (*sniff sniff*...I can smell Pearl's influence on Maya here). Kay saying "Nostradamus" comment was definitely fitting and also funny.
In the earlier parts of this sporking the characters asked themselves, whether there were beauty queens (I think that was it) or high schools in Germany. I just wanted to mention, we don't have high schools and beauty queens here. /smartass modus off

Hope to see more soon! Keep up the great work. :phoenix:

As for the other sporkings. I've read quite a lot in the old thread. It kept me busy for two days because they were simply priceless. XD
Makes me want to write one on my own...but I don't read many fan fics actually. Anyway, hopefully this sporkings will be continued here.

Hey, they are simply my favourites.^^
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I love the contrast between the good dialogue in the sporking and the lousy dialogue in the fic.
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Looks like we have more ground to cover. Allons-y!

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part X

*We open up in the Sporking Theater*

Phoenix: I can't believe this has been going on for ten parts now. Doesn't this author know when to quit? No one answer that, please.

Kay: Actually, according to what little reviews the author has gotten, people actually like this. And not in the ironic fashion either. At least I think, it's hard to tell with the internet.

Edgeworth: Just more proof of the decline of culture in our society, I suppose.

Kay: Says the man who enjoys the Steel Samurai.

Edgeworth: *clears his throat loudly* Let's just get on with this, shall we?

Maya: What? What's wrong with the Steel Samurai?

Edgeworth: *glares at Maya*

Maya: Okay, shutting up now.
Chapter 14

Kay: Alright, let's see where the author drops us off after that pointless flashback.
We drove a lot faster to the office then to the hotel so Wright was way more scared. But he didn't show it as much. He looked more concerned for Franziska, who was on my lap unconcious. When we got the office we ran her to the couch to rest.

Edgeworth: Well, that sequence was pointless. Also, nice work misspelling 'unconscious'.

Phoenix: I'm beginning to miss the establishing captions. Those were some of the only signs that the author was putting any effort into this thing. Can we have those back, please?
"Ok we definitely thinking of poison in the bottle of alcohol," Kay finally said.

Edgeworth: While we're wishing for things, can we ask for some proper sentence structure?

Maya: And maybe a burger, too.

Everyone: *stares at Maya*

Maya: What? I'm hungry.
"She's still warm, so what kind are we talking about?" I asked.

"I gave a sample to the forensics department they should contact us soon," Lang said. We nodded. Iris handed me another blanket. I put it over Franziska.

Phoenix: And, when exactly did you do that? From what I gathered, we drove straight back from the hotel.

Edgeworth: Great. The opening lines were not only pointless, they made no sense.

Kay: Alright, I'm calling it right now. From here on out, none of the driving scenes make sense.
"I'm sorry," I whispered to Franziska. She looked cozy and warm.

Maya: What are you sorry for? You really didn't do anything wrong. If anything, Ms. von Karma should be the one who's sorry for jumping to conclusions.

Phoenix: Like she usually does.

Kay: *rimshot*

Edgeworth: You are really enjoying the fact that she's not here, aren't you, Wright?

Phoenix: *slyly* Maybe.
"She's ok right Mr. Nick?" Pearls asked. Phoenix mumbled a bit.

"Maybe we're assuming the worst," Kay said. We turned to her. "I mean she may be passed out from the alcohol. I mean we don't know how much she drank."

Phoenix: Alright, I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole.
"All we found was that bottle," Lang objected.

Kay: Um, Agent Lang? That's not really an objection. Heck, it doesn't even have much to do with what my duplicate said.

Edgeworth: I have a feeling the author is just using random words to keep him/herself from saying "said" all the time.
"Doesn't mean that she didn't drink from the drinks in the fridge," Kay quickly replied.

Phoenix: Um, am I alone in thinking that this argument is pointless and nonsensical?

Maya and Kay: Nope.

Edgeworth: Not at all.

Phoenix: Okay, that's what I thought.
"Guys," Maya began to say. We turned to her. "Look all we know is that she passed out by something. She's alive, but we don't even know what was in the bottle. If it's poison. Then we don't have much time."

Edgeworth: Why the two separate sentences at the end there? That kind of thought should be merged together with a comma.

Maya: Yeah, talking like that would just sound awkward.
*Ring, Ring*

Kay: I call not it!

Maya: Not it!

Phoenix: *palms his face* You two are so immature.
Lang went to answer his phone. He talked in the hall for a couple minutes. When he came back he looked relieved.

"We don't have to worry. The alcohol inside was it was strong like shots. Also they found powder." We looked scared. "Don't worry it was very powerful sleeping powder."

Kay: Looks like my pervert motive theory is gaining more evidence by the minute.

Edgeworth: This author seriously needs an editor.

Phoenix: I could say the same thing about every other author whose work we reviewed here.
"Sleeping death," Conner said.

Maya: What does that even mean? Is that the name of the powder? If so, how the heck did he know?
"So they wanted to make sure the kidnapping would go smoothly," Iris began.

"Unlike the others," Pearl continued.

"To throw us off our game," Wright wrapped up. We nodded. "How long will she be out?"

Edgeworth: How in the world did we come to that conclusion? Especially considering that their plan was completely thwarted when we rescued Franziska.

Phoenix: More importantly, how did the kidnappers know we were on their trail? We don't even know who they are yet!

Maya: Except for Susan. Or was her name Carol?
"Couple hours maybe," Lang said. "Kay was right we don't know how much she consumed."

"She'll be ok," I sighed. I felt relieved.

Edgeworth: I'll be relieved when this tripe is over and done with.
Then the window smashed open. We went to the window stunned. We found a brick. It said 'Woodsman'.

"The woodsman," Phoenix said.

"These kidnappers they just know how to keep us on our toes," Conner said. For once Kay nodded at Conner.

Phoenix: Again, how do the kidnappers know about us?

Edgeworth: I'm more curious about the woodsman message. If I recall correctly, the woodsman let Snow White escape. And that part of the story came before the poisoned apple.
"Keep who on their toes?" We turned to see Franziska up though she looked tired.

"Franziska!" I shouted. "You're awake!"

"Gee thanks for the news tip," she said icily. I could tell she was still pissed off.

Phoenix: Well, that held the tension for all of fifteen seconds.
"Franziska," Conner spoke out. She turned to him.

"When you'd get there?" she asked.

"About 2 hours ago," he answered. "now listen I don't know exactly what transpired but I know Mr. Edgeworth is innocent." She stared at him. "Could someone else take over."

Phoenix: Preferably someone who was with us from the beginning and not shoehorned into the story for no particular reason?

Edgeworth: Nngh. These grammatical errors are starting to give me a migraine.
"Ms. von Karma," Kay started. Franziska turned to her. "See the kidnappers were aiming for foreigners matching up to the nationality of fairytales origin country."

Maya: Believe us, Ms. von Karma. It's just as crazy as it sounds.

"You were a target," Lang said. "Snow White." She still looked confused possibly from the tiredness.

Edgeworth: Tiredness? Tiredness?! When would I ever use a word like that?!

Kay: *takes out a checklist* Let's see, establishing captions, an editor, a thesaurus... Hmm, what else does this author need?

Phoenix: To get a clue? To take a hint? To tell us how this is an international incident? To...

Maya: *clasps her hand over Phoenix's mouth* We get it, Nick.
"Well," Iris said. "The kidnapers wanted to get you alone so they sent chick to Edgeworth office and kiss him in order to do so. Then at the bar they gave you an Apple flavored beverage, and waited for you to drink it. Luckily we got to you before the kidnappers."

Edgeworth: I can't even begin to fathom how Sister Iris deduced all that.

Maya: So, the whole Edgeworth/Franziska/Susan or Carol or whatever her name was love triangle was just part of the kidnapper's plan? That's lame.

Phoenix: While this does explain how they knew about our investigation, it just opens up several other questions.
"And the woodsman coming to finish the job," Maya added. Franziska took a few moments to get caught up.

"Fairy tale kidnappings?" she finally asked. It took awhile but eventually she got the point. "woah."

"I know hard to get right," I said. She barely nodded.

Phoenix: I just love how Ms. von Karma's reaction to all this is pretty much a more subdued version of ours when we first found out.
"What are we going to do?" Maya asked. "I mean the kidnappers are going to come back to finish what they started."

"She got a point," Conner agreed. "The woodsman is coming and we don't know when."

"I find it strange," Lang said. We turned to him "The woodsman never killed Snow White. Also the woodsman came before the apple."

Edgeworth: Yes, I said that not five minutes ago. Come on now, author. Try to keep up.
"Mr. Nick," Pearl said tugging at Wrights jacket. He turned to her. "Didn't the woodsman save Little Red from the evil wolf."

"Still don't like that version," Lang remarked.

"Either way she right," Wright said. "The woodsman only killed animals. He couldn't kill Snow White."

Phoenix: Why are we worried about Ms. von Karma being killed at all? I thought this was a kidnapping case.
"Maybe we should let him come," Franziska said. We turned at her surprised. "What?"

"We can't fight a guy with a pointy object," Conner said.

Phoenix: Um, question. What about blunt objects, like a baseball bat or something? Would those work?
"We have a man with a gun," Franziska said. "If her comes we stop him before he can get to me, and force him to tell us who's in charge."

Phoenix: So we go straight from stabbing him to shooting him. Yeah, makes perfect sense.
"That's to risky Franziska," I shouted. "I don't want to put you in more danger." She stared at me with annoyance. "I feel responsible enough."

Kay: *goes back to her checklist* I'll just add exclamation points and subtly to the list.
"Mr. Edgeworth," Maya said. "I hate to say it but, it might work."

"Emphasis on the might," I snapped. "Even if you go all kung-fu on the guy it would still be too dangerous." Conner looked around in thought.

Phoenix: Hmm. Guns, kung-fu. *holds out his hand and shifts them back and forth like a scale* Yeah I can see how those two can be confused.
"Something on your mind?" Kay asked.

"Well why don't we fight it with America," he suggested.

Maya: Wha-? Huh? That- I think my brain just broke.
"What are you going on about?" Iris asked.

Maya: That's what I want to know.
"Well I'm just saying but I still remember one American fairytale. At least I was told it was one."


"Well I think it may work out to our advantage if we do it correctly," he started. We leaned in as he told us his plan.

Kay: *singing* Oh we're gonna fight fire with fire!

Edgeworth: I'm not sure how, though.

Phoenix: Oh great. It's a cliffhanger. Meaning there's gonna be more.

*the lights come on*

Edgeworth: Well, the quality isn't getting any better. If anything, it's getting worse as time goes on.

Phoenix: I'm dreading the day when it just finally dissolves into an incoherent mess.

Maya: Chin up, Nick! We'll find a way to get through it like we always do!

Phoenix: Hopefully with our sanity intact.

*And so, our heroes survive another round. Who is the woodsman? Who are the kidnappers? And are the kidnappers idiots, perverts, or both? Find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
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Last edited by Little_Thief on Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

A Trustworthy Witness

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I just want to say that this thread is awesome and everyone who's made a spork here is awesome! I'm a big fan of Mystery Science Theater and Rifftrax, so to see so many sporks carry on the fun is great! I've laughed pretty hard at the current fanfic being sporked! It's a good thing too, since the fanfic is so incredibly long.

Since it's so long, I hope you don't mind if I post a little spork of my own to add a little variety. It's a short crack-fic that involves the Apollo cast, so there shouldn't be any contradictions with the spork going on right now. It probably won't be as good as the spork going on right now, but I'd like to try one out at least.

(By the way, does anyone else think that "spork" is a really fun word to say? I can't be the only one who thinks this, right?)

Anyway, here's the info for this crazy one-shot...

Title: The Fanfic Police
Rating: :sawit: :sawit: One for the minor grammar mistakes that pop up and one for the "plot" of this crack-fic. It's not horrible per se, it's just... Out there. Really out there.
And the lucky sporkers are:

Apollo Justice!
:apollo-shock: Wha-?! I thought this place was dead!

Trucy Wright!
:minuki: It's been a while since I've been here! But there's still that scent of magic in the air! Or maybe it's just the popcorn...

Klavier Gavin!
:kyouya-pull: Heh, looks like Herr Forehead can't keep his abnormally large forehead out of trouble, ja?

And Ema Skye!

That's everything. Now on with the show!

(The camera opens up inside the legendary sporking theater. More specifically, at the snack booth where the smell of day-old popcorn lingers in the air. The camera pans across towards the door to Theater #1, where the sporkings always take place. However, today the doors are already closed with a sign taped across the middle that says: SPORKING IN PROGRESS: DO NOT DISTURB. A smiley face has been added at the end, though who added it is anyone's guess. The camera continues to pan across to the theater next door, whose doors are wide open. Inside Theater #2, Trucy can be seen sitting down in the middle seat of the front row. She's trying to cheer up Apollo, who is sitting down next to her and is looking anything but cheery.)

Trucy: Aw, don't be such a stick in the mud, Polly! I'm sure it's not going to be that bad!

Apollo: Not that bad?! You don't know what these... fans are capable of coming up with, Trucy! Heck, the first time I had the "honor" of coming to this place, the fanfic I was sporking had me as a horse! A HORSE, for crying out loud!

Trucy: ...(a big grin spreads across her face)

Apollo: ...If you're thinking about putting me in a horse costume, the answer is no.

Trucy: But it'd be so funny, Polly! Not to mention the Wright Anything Agency would be getting a lot more attention if we had you advertising for us in a horse costume!

Apollo: (Yeah, from the local insane asylum...)

Trucy: Besides, I heard from one of those Interpol guys throwing you in that today's fanfic is really short! And even if it is as bad as you say, I'll still be here to give you moral support! So stop worrying about it!

Apollo: Uh, t-thanks for that, Trucy. (Well, she does have a point. Maybe today won't be so bad after-)

(The sound of footsteps coming in interrupt Apollo's monologue. Surprised, the two turn their heads toward the door and see Klavier and Ema approaching the front row. Klavier has his usual teasing grin on his face, while Ema looks as grumpy as Apollo. They reach the front row and stop in front of the duo.)

Klavier: Looks like we're just in time for the party, ja?

Apollo: P-Prosecutor Gavin! What are you and Ema doing here?

Klavier: What, you're on a first name basis with Fraulein Detective and not me? I'm hurt, Herr Forehead!

Apollo: (Maybe I'd be on a first name basis with you if you'd stop with that annoying nickname!)

Klavier: If you must know, the two of us are simply here to observe.

Trucy: "Observe?"

Klavier: Well, we're not exactly in today's ballad. We're just here to watch over the presentation and make sure no one does anything... criminal.

Ema: For the record, I didn't volunteer for this. I was forced to come here thanks to this glimmerous fop. Who did volunteer for this, I should mention.

Apollo: Wait, so you, Prosecutor Gavin, came to this dump of horrid literature... WILLINGLY?! Are you insane?!

Ema: Hmph, that's what I told him on the way over here. But no, he just drags me from the precinct with a paper copy in his hands and says, and I quote, "This story could give us a possible reason to arrest Herr Forehead." All without a warning, too... (opens a bag of snackoos)

Apollo: What?! What possible reason could this fanfic give you two to arrest ME?!

Klavier: Sheesh, do you have to shout every other sentence, Herr Forehead? That gets annoying real quickly.

Apollo: (sweating) (This coming from the guy who says "ja" at the end of every other sentence?)

Trucy: (folds her arms in thought) Um, Prosecutor Gavin? Can I ask you a question?

Klavier: Hm? What is it, Fraulein?

Trucy: How exactly did you get a copy of the story for today? I mean, we didn't even hear about this story until just a little while ago.

Klavier: Ah, I have the answer to that. You see, the management meant to send the copy over to your little agency. However, they mixed up your address with my office and I got the copy instead. I meant to give it back to you, but I confess my curiosity got the better of me and I read the story instead. Once I finished the story... well, let's just say I felt like Fraulein Detective did when she got her new fingerprint set the other day, ja?


Apollo: (Great, she's already eating before the story even starts. Not a good sign...)

Trucy: That makes sense. But why do you think you need to arrest Polly? I mean, he hasn't done anything criminal yet!

Apollo: "Yet?" Thanks for the vote of confidence, Trucy...

Klavier: (grins) As for that... Well, let's just start the fanfic here and you'll see what I mean.

Apollo: Fine. Let's just get this out of the way. The sooner we finish, the better...

(Klavier sits down next to Trucy and gestures for Ema to sit next to him. Ema gives the rock star/ prosecutor a sour look before pointedly moving towards Apollo and sits down next to him.)

Klavier: Ach, you wound me with your actions, Fraulein Detective!

Ema: And yet, you're still breathing. Lucky me... MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

Apollo: (I suppose it'd be too much to hope that the sound of her munching will drown out the sound of the fanfic...)

Trucy: Shh! The story's starting!

Klavier: Achtung, baby! Let's rock!

The Fanfic Police: An Ace Attorney crack fic

Ema: We have fanfic sign. Hooray for us... MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

Apollo: "Crack fic?" That's a cause for arrest right there!

Klavier: (pulls out a microphone out of nowhere) You promised you'd never go back... But now I find you here consuming crack... I thought that you were better than the rest, but now I must put you under arrest...

Trucy: Wow, that was incredible! Do you always have a microphone on you?

Klavier: Well, you never know when inspiration will suddenly hit you, ja?

Apollo: Or when you're suddenly invited to a karaoke party...

Apollo Justice arrived at work in the Capcom Offices, he placed his employer ID card into the scanner, but as soon as he did, every single alarm went off in the building, "INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!"

Apollo: What the-?! I work WHERE NOW?!

Trucy: Y-You're not working at the agency with us, Polly? I thought you liked working with me...

Apollo: O-Of course I do, Trucy! And last time I checked, I'm still employed at the Wright Anything Agency, and not at this comma infested office!

Ema: Scientifically speaking, I doubt every single alarm in the building would go off just because a faulty ID card was swiped. If we had an alarm go off every time a detective tried to open a locker that wasn't theirs, we'd never hear the end of it.

Klavier: Speaking from personal experience, Fraulein? *KA-TONK* Ah, danke for the snack...

Trucy: Wait, why is Polly an intruder if he works there? Is there something I'm missing?

The security team assembled and started pointed rifles at Apollo, "You don't work here any more, Justice, they gave Wright his job back, you're not the main character any more."

Trucy: ...Oh. Never mind...

Apollo: Why do I have an entire security team about to shoot me?! All I did was swipe an ID card through a scanner!

Klavier: Well, you can be quite intimidating with your voice, Herr Forehead. Maybe they've heard of your Chords of Steel and mistook them for a weapon of some kind?

Apollo: B-But I "work" there! They should know all about me! Not to mention I'm about as threatening as Mr. Hat!

Ema: I'm more concerned about the last part of that sentence. Is Mr. Wright so desperate for cash that he's resorting to stealing Apollo's job from him?

Trucy: I know that Daddy is planning on taking the bar exam again, but there should be enough room for both him and Polly, right?

Apollo was pissed off. That's when it hit him,

Apollo: I realized I worked at the Wright Anything Agency, apologized, and walked out of that crazy building. The end.

Trucy: And then he assured his wonderful assistant that he'd never leave the agency ever again and generously supplied her with a whole week's worth of pudding!

Apollo: (I still don't understand what's so wonderful about getting pudding...)

"If you don't want me to be the main character any more, then I'll start writing FAN FICTION! I'll be the main character forever!" The guards gasped with anxiety, "OH NOES, NOT FAN FICTION!"

Apollo: ................... What.

Klavier: Herr Forehead's speechless! This has to be a first!

Ema: So after being told you no longer work there due to being replaced by Mr. Wright, your immediate response... is to write fan fiction? Scientifically speaking, that doesn't make any sense.

Apollo: Ema, this doesn't make sense no matter what language you speak!

Trucy: Well, Polly's statement really seemed to frighten the guards, seeing how loud they gasped. They were so horrified, they even misspelled no!

Apollo: Ugh, at least I know this can't possibly get any worse...

Pissedoffely, (Hell yeah, I made a word up) Apollo stormed off back to the Justice Cave to use the Justice Computer and make FAN FICTION!


Ema: Don't you know never to say that? Things can always get worse. MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

Trucy: (angrily) You have your own cave?! How come you never told me about this, Apollo?! I thought you promised not to keep incredibly awesome things secret from me!

Apollo: Okay, one, I never made a promise like that. Two, I don't have a computer, much less a secret cave named after me. Three, I apparently retreat to this cave to write FAN FICTION. How is that even remotely awesome?!

Klavier: You know, the author never actually said where "Justice Cave" actually is. It'd be quite amusing if this cave of yours is underneath Capcom Offices, ja?

He sped away in the Justicemobile as fast as he could back to the Justice Cave.

Klavier: Ach, there goes that theory. My apologies.

Apollo: Great, now I have a car named after me too? I don't even have a license!

Ema: You know, with the names and locations given here, I'm starting to wonder if the author has you confused with someone else...

Klavier: (pulls out the microphone again) Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, Forehead! Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, Forehead! Na-na- *KA-TONK KA-TONK KA-TONK* Ach! Stop that, Fraulein Detective!

Apollo: Remind me to get you another bag of snackoos once this is over, Ema.

Ema: (grins) I'll hold you to that, Apollo.

It didn't take long for him to arrive, once he was there he whispered into the control panel, which deactivated the laser grid, the ultra secret password, "Objection!" It was so secure, no one could ever guess that password.

Trucy: You even have your own laser grid?! That's it, you're showing me this cave as soon as we're out of here, Apollo!

Apollo: I told you, already! I don't have a secret cave!

Ema: So your ultra secret password is "Objection?" And I suppose your PIN number is 1234...

Klavier: ...And your e-mail password is password...

Trucy: ...And your password for your diary is swordfish...

Apollo: (sweating) Okay, the point is made people! (And my passwords are much more secure then that!)

As soon as the laser grid deactivated, Apollo strutted into the cave, wasting no time, he had to write his fic; he was going to be the main character again!

Ema: Considering you were just fired and are about to be writing fan fiction, I fail to see how you could proudly strut at all... scientifically speaking.

Trucy: Clearly, it's because he has a secret cave that no one else in the world has! Duh!

Within half an hour, Apollo had uploaded the first chapter of his fic onto , he refreshed the page and he already had 9 billion comments and likes.


Ema: Scientifically speaking... that's impossible. There isn't even nine billion people in the world today!

Trucy: Wow, I didn't know your story could transcend the universe! You must be the best writer in the world, Polly!

Apollo: (grins) R-Really? (Looks like something good came out of this story after all...)

Klavier: Don't look so smug, Herr Forehead. The author never actually said where you uploaded your story to. For all we know, you could have uploaded it to your blog and fixed the number yourself to make it seem like a universe-shattering hit!

Apollo: (Aaaaaaaand there goes that good feeling. *sigh*)

Trucy: Still, I'm going to read your court write-ups from now on!

But the 9 Billon and first message read, "Don't move. We have you surrounded."

Ema: (imitating the message You're... MUNCH ...under arrest... MUNCH ...for writing a story online. MUNCH

Apollo: You know, pausing to eat the snacks during your message kinda ruins the effect... *KA_TONK* (Great, more chocolate rain from cloudy Skyes...)

Klavier: (pulls out the microphone once more) Put your hands in the air... And make your way down the stairs... You thought you could take me for a fool, but now I'm about to lose my cool!

Trucy: "Nine bill-on?" I hope Daddy never has to pay a bill as big as that...

There was a knock on the door, "FAN FIC POLICE! OPEN UP, CRIMINAL SCUM!"

Trucy: Wait, the cave has a door?

Apollo: I guess it does. I mean, the cave has to connect somewhere, right? Though that doesn't explain how they found the door in the first place when the cave IS A SECRET ONLY I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT!

Klavier: No need to shout. We can hear you just fine.

Apollo: Look, I'm barely hanging on to what's left of my sanity. Give me some leeway here!

Trucy: Hang in there, Polly! I think we're almost done!

Apollo opened the door, he didn't realise he had a door, which is why he always used the laser grid. No sooner than he had opened the door, the Fan fic cops shot a DdoS gun at him!

Trucy: *Gasp!* Oh no! They got Polly with a-a-... What did they get you with?

Ema: I... don't know. I've never actually heard of a gun like that before.

Klavier: Neither have I. I'll be sure to check that out once this is over...

Apollo: Wait, wait, wait! If I still had my laser grid on standby, why didn't I just go to the other side of the grid, turn it on, and then bolted out in my car while the cops were trapped?!

Ema: Good point. Why didn't you do that, Apollo?

Trucy: Yeah, why didn't you do that, Polly?

Klavier: Yeah, why didn't you do that, Herr Forehead?

Apollo: ...You know what, forget it. I don't care anymore. Just finish this, already.

Apollo had been arrested! (DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!)

Apollo: Thanks for wrapping that up in the most cliche way, author. Really appreciate it.

Trucy: Yeah, everyone knows a dramatic sting only works when there's a cute chipmunk turning dramatically in tune!

(The lights turn back on.)

Apollo: Hallelujah! I thought it would never end!

Klavier: Herr Forehead, that was barely three hundred words long.

Apollo: I stand by my statement.

Klavier: Heh, I admit, you handled this fic quite well, save for a couple of annoying shouts. I honestly thought you'd snap by the end and try something like burn the theater down.

Apollo: Really? Is that why you thought I should be arrested?

Klavier: Nah, that was just an excuse I made to come down here. After all, it's much more amusing to see you get flustered up close, ja?

Apollo: (Why am I not surprised? *sigh*)

Klavier: Well, it's been fun, but I'm heading back to my office. Thinking up those lyrics in there has got me itching to compose a new song...

Trucy: Ooh, can I come? I've always wanted to see a Gavinner's song made from the beginning!

Apollo: (You've never even heard of them until a few months ago!)

Klavier: Heh, why not? I can't resist a cute face like that! I'll give you a ride home too, so your father doesn't have to worry.

Trucy: Yaaaaay! This is going to be awesome! See you later, Polly!

(And with that, Trucy happily follows Klavier outside the theater towards his motorcycle. Apollo frowns and turns toward Ema, who just finished off the last of her snackoos.)

Apollo: Um, didn't you ride with him over here?

Ema: Hmph, he certainly tried to get me to ride with him! But I'm not that foolish. I followed him over here in my car.

Apollo: Ah, gotcha. Well, I'll just be going-

Ema: Hold it! Aren't you forgetting our little deal? You know, when I stopped the fop from annoying us with his auto-tuned voice?

Apollo: (Ack! I almost forgot about that!) R-Right, sorry! I'll come with you and get your bag of Snackoos-

Ema: Ah-ah-ah! You don't owe me ONE bag, you owe me ELEVEN bags, remember?

Apollo: WHAT?! Since when?!

Ema: Remember State vs. Tobaye? When you and Trucy oh so carelessly neglected to guard Lamiroir's room and made my life that much harder? I clearly told you that ten bags of Snackoos would be enough to make me forgive you. And seeing that I've never gotten those bags, I think now is the perfect time to collect them. With interest!

Apollo: You've got to be kidding!

Ema: I never kid when it comes to science and Snackoos. Now, let's get going! Unless, of course, you want to stay here and wait for whatever management has planned for you next...

Apollo: N-No, I'm fine! Let's... let's go get your eleven bags of Snackoos!

Ema: That's the spirit, Apollo! I'll even give you a ride home after you're finished. My treat!

Apollo: Yeah... thanks. (*sob* Goodbye, my paycheck. I'm going to miss you...)

(And with that, Apollo sadly follows Ema out of the theater and towards her car.)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Really? This is how fans picture Apollo's reaction to Phoenix being the main character in GS5? Oy vey, this premise was doomed from the beginning.

Good work on the sporking, mate. I was really left in stitches. :hobolaugh:
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
My Fanfiction
My Fan Trial, Spirit's Turnabout
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

A Trustworthy Witness

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Thanks, Little Thief! Your sporkings have been excellent so far, so to hear you praise this sporking gives me a big confidence boost! I'm sure the fanfic was written as a joke, but the humor left a little to be desired, in my opinion. Still, there have been way too few sporkings that feature Apollo and his friends, so to have one that features them front and center was my motivation for getting this out!

I'm actually thinking of doing another Apollo-centric one later tonight. I was browsing online and saw a couple of fanfics that seem perfect sporking material. Though I probably won't finish until tomorrow or so.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

A Trustworthy Witness

Gender: Male

Location: Witness Stand

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:52 am

Posts: 23

Alright, just finished the latest spork. I think this is the longest I've ever spent working on something like this. I'm really happy with the end product, though. Let's get to it!

Title: Love is Truly Magical
Rating: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: One for the grammar mistakes present in the fanfic, one for the annoying second-person style of writing, and one for the incredibly cheap and blatant self-insert in the story. Seriously, it's quite grating.
Please welcome back to the theater:

Apollo Justice!
:odoroki: You know, I think I liked it better when I was ignored...

Trucy Wright!
:minuki: I never back down from a performance, whether on stage or in the theater!

Klavier Gavin!
:snap: I'm always up for an encore!

And Ema Skye!
:ema-shock: I better make sure I have plenty of Snackoos to survive this...

And now, your feature presentation!

Episode 2: Turnabout Friendship.

(The camera opens up inside Theater #2 of the sporking theater again, as Theater #1 is still busy. Apollo and Trucy are inside the theater, sitting in the same spots as they were a couple of days ago. Trucy is eating some popcorn with glee, while Apollo just has a look of resignation on his face.

Trucy: Are you sure you don't want anything to eat, Polly? The management said today's fanfic won't be anything gross, so you don't have to worry about throwing up all over the place!

Apollo: Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather not eat anything from this place of torture. Besides, just being here is making my stomach feel queasy enough...

Trucy: (shrugs) Suit yourself! (continues to wolf down the popcorn)

Apollo: (She's eating the bag at a pace that would make Ema jealous...)

(The sound of footsteps entering the theater causes Apollo and Trucy to turn to the door. Klavier and Ema are making their way to the front once more, with Klavier holding what appears to be a copy of the script in his hands.)

Apollo: (Speak of the devil...) What, here for some more "observing?" I'll try and make sure I have a mental breakdown today, so you can get your money's worth.

Klavier: Very funny, Herr Forehead. As it turns out, according to the script I've been given, we're actually in today's little sonnet. Therefore, the management is making our attendance mandatory for today.

Trucy: Really? You two are characters in this story?

Ema: Actually, it appears only our names are mentioned. We don't make a physical appearance, but apparently, just having your name mentioned is enough to make you miss a day of work to read bad fanfiction. What a pain...

Apollo: You're telling me... Wait a minute. Prosecutor Gavin?

Klavier: Yes, Herr Forehead?

Apollo: If you and Ema are only appearing in name... (dramatic finger point) then why did YOU receive the script again?! The script should have gone to either Trucy or me!

Klavier: (shrugs) Don't look at me with those fierce eyes, Herr Forehead. If I had to guess, the management just enjoys watching you go into a story like this completely blind. Makes it much more funnier that way.

Apollo: (sweating) (Ugh, why is the joke always on me...?)

Trucy: Aw, cheer up, Polly! It's not like this is anything new to you! We're always going in blind in court, but that never gets us down!

Apollo: (Speak for yourself!)

Ema: If we're done exchanging pleasantries, can we get this started? I don't want to be here any longer than necessary.

Klavier: Of course, Fraulein Detective. Let's do this!

(Klavier and Ema sit down in the same spots as they did yesterday. Once they are properly seated, the lights turn off and the story appears on the screen.)

Love is Truly Magical

Trucy: So true! Love is something so pure and wonderful, it draws people closer to one another, like they're under a magic spell!

Ema: Not to be rude, but how exactly would you know something like that? Mr. Wright doesn't seem like the type of father to let you start dating at such a young age.

Trucy: That may be the case, but who said love was restricted to dating and marriage? Love can come from anywhere! From friends, from family, and even from a dog or some other kind of pet! That's part of what makes love so magical!

Klavier: Beautifully said, Fraulein!

Apollo: Now if only this magic was powerful enough to make this fanfic disappear...

Hiya this WAS meant for Phoenix and Maya day but hopefully the little bits of them will satisfy you.

Trucy: What?! Daddy has a whole day dedicated to him and this woman? Why wasn't I told of this?! Then I could help Daddy show his love to my new Mommy!

Klavier: Don't ask me, Fraulein. Although that name sounds familiar...

Apollo: (Maya? Where have I heard that name before?)

Ema: I'm pretty sure a day like that doesn't exist. I mean, I've never heard of a day celebrating the existence of a couple that's not exactly together.

Klavier: Not to mention the date hasn't been given. We don't even know when this "day" actually occurs.

Trucy: If that's true... then that means any day could be Daddy and New Mommy Day! I'll just have to make sure Daddy spends every single day this year with my new Mommy so he doesn't miss out!

Apollo: This is going to be one awkward year for Mr. Wright...

This story is about YOU and APOLLO.(Just replace the (y/n) with whatever your name is. Capice?) To celebrate my birthday I am giving you this story, I hope I have spread enough love from me to you! anyways enough about me this is supposed to be about you! R&R

Apollo: E-Excuse me?! Who am I dating again?!

Klavier: Isn't it obvious? You're dating "You," Herr Forehead!

Ema: So he's dating himself? Scientifically speaking, that's a very one-sided date... (opens a bag of snackoos)

Klavier: I believe "You" in this case refers to the reader. It appears that the author has decided you should date all of your fans, so they've come up with a plan to make sure every fan has a chance to date you. You lucky dog!

Apollo: L-Lucky?! What kind of person do you think I am?! I don't want to date more then one woman at a time! I'd just be playing with their hearts!

Ema: Relax, only the fop here thinks you'd like that. And he thinks the best way to die is by having all of his fangirls smother him until he can't breathe. MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

Klavier: You know me too well, Fraulein Detective. *sighs* And what a way to go...

"Trucy wait up!" You try to chase the fifteen year old girl and succeed. "I've been ringing your mobile ALL day. Where is it? And why did you tell me to come here anyway?"

Apollo: So this "You" person who represents my fans knows Trucy? Have you ever heard of anyone like this before?

Trucy: No, I can't say that I have. I've always been on the move with Daddy, so I haven't made that many friends. If I had, I would definitely remember this "You" person!

Ema: I can already tell I'm going to be annoyed by this second-person narrative. A style like that should only be used for self-help books and Choose Your Own Escapades books. Not for second-rate fanfics like this! MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

Apollo: I'd much rather be in a Choose Your Own Escapades book than this. Heck, I'd even prefer to be in one of those violent endings that scarred me when I was a kid!

"Sorry (y/n) but my phone ran out of charge. So this is the Sunshine Coliseum by the way if you did not know. This is going to be my very first official magic show!" She smiles and tips her hat.

Apollo: (sweating) Oh yeah, this self-insert style is TOTALLY not going to get old real quick. Nope. Not at all.

Klavier: I wonder if this (y/n) person is new in town. It'd be rather hard to miss a big stadium like the one I play my concerts in, ja?

Trucy: I'm already starting my first show? Isn't that a little too soon considering I only recently found out I inherited the Gramarye rights?

Ema: When would you start your own show then?

Trucy: (folds her arms in thought) Hmm... Well, I'd like to have Uncle Valant out of prison so he could help me set up everything. And I bet Daddy wants me to at least finish high school before I become the world's most famous magician. So I'd probably have to wait at least a couple more years before I can even think about starting my own show.

Apollo: (grins) (I wonder if Trucy is patient enough to wait that long. Heh, I bet she gets a great deal before her senior year and takes it without even thinking of the consequences...)

Klavier: Something the matter, Herr Forehead? You look like you're dying to say something...

Apollo: N-Nope! Nothing at all! Let's continue!

A young man clad in red walks up to Trucy. "Trucy your Dad's going to kill me if he finds out that I wasn't with you while coming here! Anyway you should get ready-" Trucy's hand clamps over her half brother's mouth.

Ema: (sarcastically) A young man in red? Gee, I wonder who that could be... MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

Apollo: Why does it have to be me? Red's not the only color in my outfit, you know!

Klavier: Oh really? Then why is it that whenever I see you in court, I can immediately tell it's you based on that blood-red outfit and that impossibly large forehead?

Apollo: Nngh...

Trucy: (arms folded in thought) Hey, Polly? Can I ask you something?

Apollo: Hm? What is it, Trucy?

Trucy: When it says at the end, "Trucy's hand clamps over her half-brother's mouth," who are they referring to? Cause I don't remember having a brother before I lived with Daddy...

Apollo: "Half-brother?" I don't know. I mean the only other person besides the dreaded (y/n) so far here is me and I'm not- (recoils back in shock) W-Wait! T-They're not saying-!

"Apollo, big bro, this is (y/n)! (y/n) this is Apollo, my brother I was talking about."

Apollo and Trucy: W-WHAAAAAAAT?!

Klavier: Heh, now this is a plot twist! (takes the last of Trucy's popcorn for himself)

Apollo: H-How could they get our relationship so wrong?! Trucy's my assistant! I may be protective of her at times, but that doesn't mean we're related! I don't even know who my family is!

Trucy: Y-You don't? That's really sad... Would you like a family, Polly? I mean, we're close enough already that we practically are family...

Apollo: Um, thanks for the offer Trucy, but it's not that simple. I mean, I'd like to know who my real family is before I could make a decision like that...

Ema: (smirks) Heh, I just thought of something.

Apollo: Huh? What is it?

Ema: Well, you're related to Trucy in this story, right? And Trucy's father is Mr. Wright, right? So if you're related to Trucy, does that kinda make Mr. Wright YOUR father as wel-?


Ema: Just something to think about...

Klavier: (finishes off the popcorn) Well, that was very enlightening! Let's move on!

Trucy introduces the two of you, letting go of the hand that was blocking Apollo from talking. "Hello! I've heard a lot about you from Truce. You're her 'sidekick' huh?" You look towards Apollo and see him staring at you intensely.

Klavier: (pulls out his microphone from before) You only spared me a passing glance... But I felt as if I was in a trance... I knew right then we were meant to dance, and that our meeting was certainly not by chance...

Apollo: "Sidekick?!" Now the author's just making fun of me! I'm the one that leads the defense in court, not Trucy!

Klavier: Oh, I'm not sure about that, Herr Forehead. At the very least, I know I feel more nervous when she's the one speaking rather than you.

Ema: True, she does seem more composed up there then you do.

Apollo: (Ugh, what is this, National Pick On Apollo Day?)

"I'm fine! Don't worry about me! I'm Apollo Justice and I'm fine!" He blushes as soon as he realizes what he did. Again. "I mean yeah she talks a lot about you too. The amazing (y/n)! And by the way Trucy is MY sidekick if anything. So I've heard you are her apprentice. What are you, nineteen?"

Apollo: Again, with the (y/n)? I'm not sure how much more of that I can take!

Trucy: Hmm... I know! Let's turn it into a game!

Apollo: A game? Like what?

Trucy: Simple! Every time we see (y/n) pop up from now on, someone has to come up with a statement on the fly! Then the rest of us has to determine if that statement is true or false. If we get it right, we get a point. But if the person giving the statement fools everyone, they get three points! Whoever has the most points at the end of this sporking wins whatever prize I pull out of my magic panties! What do you say?

Klavier: Heh, I'm never one to turn down a friendly game. I'm in!

Ema: If pretty boy here thinks he can win, then I feel obligated to knock him down a peg. I'm in as well!

Trucy: What about you, Polly?

Apollo: Eh, why not? Anything that gets my mind off of this story...

Trucy: Yay! Let's keep an eye out for that symbol from now on!

"Uh yeah. We met at the Wonder Bar. She said that she would take me under her wing. And that way I make a bit more cash and so yeah... Anyway where's Phoenix?" Apollo looks at you in confusion that you didn't call him 'Mr Wright' or 'Your Dad'. Trucy nudges him which makes him blush furiously.

Trucy: Hey! You can't be so casual when referring to Daddy! You have to show him some respect!

Apollo: (No matter what his appearance says otherwise...)

"Daddy's probably making out with Mommy Maya backstage." Says Trucy cheekily. You laugh with Trucy, except Apollo just looks at Trucy sternly. "Trucy you shouldn't be saying stuff like that about your dad!" Apollo scolds, which in turn makes you and Trucy laugh even harder.

Klavier: Who knew the little Fraulein could be so frank about her father's relationship? Maybe Herr Wright should be a tad bit stricter when talking about this subject, ja?

Trucy: (beet red) W-Well if Daddy really is in a relationship, w-why wouldn't I be happy about him and Mommy m-m-m....

Klavier: Ha! The little Fraulein's face is redder than Herr Forehead's pants!

Trucy: S-Stop it! I-I'm only fifteen, you know!

Apollo: (puts his index finger against his forehead) (There's that name again! I know I've read that name before...)


Apollo: (sweating) (Ugh, it's not like I can concentrate with Ms. Snacks A Lot over here...)


Apollo: (She Snackooed me.)

"Truce we should check on Phoenix. We don't want the two love sick teenagers to get too comfortable." You nudge Trucy and the two of you burst out laughing once again. Trucy grabs Apollo by the wrist and the three of you walk over. Trucy was right, they were kissing, in the hallway right in front of Trucy's dressing room.

Trucy: (blushes again and covers her face)

Klavier: Who also knew Herr Wright would be so open with his affections? And right in front of the Fraulein's dressing room too! That'd be quite a sight for her to walk into, ja?

Trucy: (her face reddens again to the point of looking like a ripe tomato)

"Oi! Daddy and Maya! Can you get out of the way so we can get through?" Trucy shouts at them.

Ema: "Oi?" Who says that anymore, outside of a character from Harry Potter?

Klavier: Now there's a story! (pulls out the microphone and lowers his voice) Trucy Wright and the Embarrassing Fanfic: coming soon to a bookstore near you.

Apollo: (can't help but join in) Now there's a best seller! I can see the books flying off the shelves right now!

Trucy: Hey! Aren't you supposed to be on my side?!

Phoenix looks embarrassed and quickly drags Maya to the other dressing room. Trucy ushers you and Apollo into her dressing room and closes the door quickly.

Apollo: (Maya... Maya...) ...Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ema: Agh! Don't do that! You almost gave me a heart attack!

Apollo: I remember! I remember where I've seen that name before!

Trucy: You mean Maya? Well who is she?!

Apollo: I've seen her name written in Mr. Wright's case files all the time! She worked with him... (dramatic close-up) as Mr. Wright's own assistant!

Trucy: Whaaaaaaat?!

Klavier: (snaps his fingers) Ah, now I remember! I overheard one of the prosecutor's at the office mention a top-knotted young girl helping out Herr Wright in most of his cases. Funny, though. I never saw a beauty like that helping him when I faced off against Herr Wright in court.

Trucy: But if she worked with Daddy, then where is she now? I want to meet her! I wanna hear all about how she and Daddy worked together to save so many people!

Apollo: (I wouldn't mind hearing this myself...)

"So is Ema on security?" You ask, and instead of Trucy answering it's Apollo who responds. "Yeah. Mr Wright warned me earlier about her and her Snackoos. Be careful they hurt you when she gets grumpy." Apollo warns, he's rubbing his forehead at the painful memory of Snackoos. You let a giggle escape your mouth and a smile escapes Apollo's.

Ema: ...(glares at Apollo)

Apollo: H-Hey! Don't glare at me like that! Fic!me said it, not Real!me!

Ema: Hmph. Just be careful what you say. Otherwise... I'll show you just how grumpy I can be. (munches at an incredibly fast pace)

Apollo: *gulp*

Klavier: Our little insert here seems to know you personally, Fraulein Detective. I didn't know you were so outgoing with total strangers! *KA-TONK KA-TONK KA-TONK KA-TONK* Augh! Those really do hurt! Onkel! Onkel!

"Anyway enough about Ema, this show is supposed to star me! Anyway I've got to get changed. See ya soon!" Trucy grabs her glittery baby blue costume and runs into a closet to get changed.

Trucy: Um, why would I run into a closet to change when I'm in my own dressing room? Couldn't I just force Apollo and Mystery Friend out of the room and then change?

Apollo: Stop, Trucy. You're being too logical. You might hurt the author's brain.

"Okay then she abandoned me and left you to look after me." You say while Apollo laughs. You realize that his laugh is airy and light, not exactly what you'd imagine his laugh to be like. "Why then you'd better take good care of me (y/n)." Apollo whispers in your ear.

Ema: Forgive me, but I just can't imagine any part of Apollo being light. Especially anything that pertains to his voice.

Klavier: Or him being smooth to the ladies as well.

Apollo: Gee, thanks...

Trucy: Never mind that! I just saw (y/n)! That means we can finally get our game underway!

Klavier: Well, what are you waiting for? Take the first verse, Fraulein!

Trucy: Okay, listen up! My statement is: Prince Charles was a member of the great Magic Circle in 1975! True or False?

Apollo: (Leave it to Trucy to come up with a magic question. Considering she probably knows every little known fact about magicians, I'd say...) I'm going to say that's true.

Ema: Prince Charles? I can't see any member of the royal house partaking in any kind of "magic." I'll say false.

Klavier: I don't know. Leaders always seem to have one odd hobby or two while in office. I agree with Herr Forehead. That's true.

Trucy: Ding ding ding! That's right! A point for Polly and Prosecutor Gavin!

Ema: What?! No way!

Trucy: Don't worry, Ema! You can have the next question and try to stump them if you'd like!

Ema: Hmm... (begins thinking)

"Maybe I'll have to call security to take care of you, Ema would love to feed you." You say to him.

Apollo: (flinches in preparation of being showered with snackoos)

Ema: (still deep in thought thinking of a good question)

Apollo: (sighs in relief)

"(y/n) we barely know anything about each other. Why exactly is that?" Apollo turns his head to face yours. "I don't know, I thought you said Trucy talked about me all the time."

Apollo: Or maybe it's because we've never heard of you before and you keep trying to step in and meddle in our lives!

Trucy: Whatever the case, it's time for the next question! Ema?

Ema: Aha! I've got it!

Klavier: Well, don't leave us hanging in suspense already. Hit it!

Ema: Heh, it's time to wipe that smirk off your face, fop! Try this science statement: There are 62,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body. Yes or no?

Trucy: .......Yes?

Klavier: .......No?

Apollo: .......Maybe so?

Trucy: Apollo! Don't be so wishy-washy! You have to commit to an answer!

Apollo: Fine... (Well, if anyone would know this, it'd be Ema...) ...Yes?

Ema: Lucky guess! That was, in fact, true!

Klavier: Ugh...

Trucy: That means Polly and I get a point! You're doing great, Polly!

Ema: (smirks) At least I tripped up the fop. That makes the round a success in my book!

The "plot" then decides to stop so Apollo and "You" can have an unnecessary dance to a heart-breaking song. Trucy peeps in and snaps a photo at the end, undoubtedly for blackmail purposes afterward.

Klavier: I never knew you were such a gentleman while dancing, Herr Forehead.

Apollo: S-Shut up!

"You guys! That was so sweet! Got to tell Pearl... And daddy! (y/n) youd better put your costume on, we're about to start!" Trucy gestures to the matching red costumes on the table. You can't believe you didn't see it earlier.

Apollo: "Pearl?" Another name I don't recognize...

Klavier: I do recognize that (y/n) though! Now it's my turn to take the stage!

Trucy: Ooh, this is so exciting! What's your statement?

Klavier: (runs hands through his hair) Let's rock out to this statement: Bob Dylan's title, Highway 61 Revisited is named after the route that goes through his home state of Iowa. True or False?

Apollo: (Hm, it sounds innocent enough to be true...) *ba-dump* ...! (D-Did my bracelet just react? Wait, the way Gavin is playing with his hair... Is that a nervous twitch?)

Ema: Heh, even I've heard of this song before. You can't fool me, fop! That's true!

Trucy: I'll agree with Ema! True, true!

Apollo: ...False. I'm saying false.

Trucy: Huh?

Klavier: ...Not bad, Herr Forehead. Maybe you're smarter than I give you credit for.

Ema: What?! So that was false?! I know that was named after his home route!

Klavier: It was, my musically talented detective. But his hometown was in Minnesota, not Iowa!

Trucy: Really?! That's very sneaky of you!

Klavier: Danke, little Fraulein. Though not sneaky enough to slip by Herr Forehead, ja?

Apollo: ...

"Hey Truce, why is there two red costumes? I mean I know my favorite color is red so who's the othet one for? And why are they both red?" You ask.

Ema: "And why are my redundant questions so redundant?"

Apollo and Trucy: *snicker*

"Wait Trucy, you're not saying that I'm going up on stage?! I have no exerience whatsoever!" Apollo says exasperated.

Klavier: "Exerience?" You can't just make up words like you do in court to get out of trouble, Herr Forehead! Especially in front of the ladies!

Apollo: Hey, I don't make up words! And I really doubt Trucy would just suddenly include me in her magic act without any preparation besides giving me a costume and just expecting me to go with the flow!

Trucy: Yeah, that's really dangerous! I don't want any accidents to happen on stage due to poor planning!

"Alright this is the last time I'm gonna say this. You two'd better get changed-Apollo you're in the closet and (y/n) you can dress out here. Got it?" You and Apollo nod meekly and rush to get your costumes.

Klavier: *snicker* You would be in the closet, Herr Forehead...

Apollo: OBJECTION! You can't make a snide insinuation like that without any proof!

Trucy: Never mind Polly's closet preferences! I saw a (y/n), so you have to make a statement, Apollo!

Apollo: M-Me? (Ack! Quick, Justice, think of something you know that they don't! ...Eureka! I've got it!)

Ema: Judging by the way you're smirking, I assume you're ready?

Apollo: (smirks) Oh, I was born ready! (This is it! Here comes Justice!) Here's my statement: Hair gel works better on dry hair than wet hair! True or fal-?

Ema, Trucy, and Klavier: True.

Apollo: (recoils back in shock) Wha-?! H-How did you all know?!

Ema: A statement like that isn't exactly rocket science, you know.

Klavier: Yeah, I've known that since I was just starting out in court.

Trucy: And Daddy told me that when I started getting interested in hair products! Either way, everyone except Polly gets a point! So Polly now leads me and Mr. Gavin by just one and Ema by two!

Apollo: Urk... (Well, that was a dud...)

"Oh and Apollo, don't look through the crack in the closet to try and see (y/n) change otherwise I'll cut off your hair." Apollo's cheeks flush a deep shade of red and, again, you feel yours do the same.

Apollo: So now I'm a pervert as well? This just keeps on getting better and better...

Trucy: A-Anyway, I see another (y/n), so let's move on to round two!

Klavier: We should be back to you, ja? So what do you have prepared for us next?

Trucy: Hmm... (twiddles her fingers in thought) Aha! Try this statement: The original word for magic meant to designate a priestly class! True or false?

Ema: Hmph. I can't exactly see magic having an affiliation with religious priests. I'm saying false!

Apollo: (Trucy doesn't exactly look sure, even though my bracelet isn't picking up anything. Maybe she's hiding her tell...?) I'll say false as well.

Klavier: Heh, I can't let the bandwagon get too far ahead of me! One more for false, please.

Trucy: Hah! Got you all! That one was true!

Ema: Really?! You've got to be joking!

Trucy: It's true! The original word was "magus" from Persia, which designated the priest class over everyone else! And since I fooled you all, that means I get three points! I'm in the lead!

Apollo: (Gah! She hid her truth with a false tell! She's good!)

Klavier: Quite the bluff you pulled there. You really are Herr Wright's daughter.

Trucy: Aw, thanks! It was nothing!

"Apollo hurries into the closet and you and Trucy talk about random things while changing. "So why is Klavier's hair in that weird drill style? I mean I get how it gets the girls seeing as he's SO hot but what's up with it?" You ask Trucy, she should know the answers as he's her brother's rival. "I don't know... The prince should never change, he's perfect like that!" Trucy exclaims.

Klavier: (sweating) Weird?! There's nothing weird with my hairstyle!

Ema: Oh, give me a break. When you're in a courtroom with Apollo and his hair looks more normal than yours, something is definitely wrong with you.

Apollo: Exactly! ...Hey, wait a second!

Trucy: Hey, I think it's perfect for him! His hairstyle makes it look like he's about to pierce the heavens themselves with his hair!

Klavier: You flatter me, Fraulein. Although it is true...

Ema: Don't look too flattered, fop. Your ego is already big enough for the two of us. Any more, and your pretty little head will weigh too much and fall onto the floor.

You finish getting changed and call out Apollo's name. He steps out and walks straight towards the mirror. "So what are we doing? I have no idea what's going on so you should at least tell me what I'm supposed to do." Apollo rubs his forehead and looks at the professional magician, Trucy.

"The instructions will come through to you though this earpiece. Good luck to you two your entrance should be about a minute after mine so wait backstage and make sure Daddy and Mommy Maya watch. 'Kay?" Trucy doesn't give you a moment to respond as she drags you and Apollo to the wings.

Trucy: That's all the preparation I give them? Again, I would never give them so little info before going through a potentially dangerous magic trick! Too much could go wrong if they don't know what to do!

Apollo: (I wonder just what magic tricks Trucy does have planned when she's ready to act on the Gramarye rights...)

Maya is sitting on Phoenix's lap. Phoenix is obviously sitting on a very comfortable chair, courtesy of Trucy's. You and Apollo stand next to the doting couple, while Trucy climbs to the roof ready to go.

Ema: (looking very annoyed) I know the author is trying to be "cute" here, but having this Maya girl sit on his lap is really unnecessary. We've already seen how affectionate the two are. There's no need to rub it in our faces anymore! MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

Klavier: (grins) What's wrong with wanting to show affection to the person you love, Fraulein Detective? If I didn't know better, I'd say you're jealous of the lovely couple. *KA-TONK KA-TONK* And that strong response isn't helping your case...

Smoke covers the floor and two white lights circle the stage, going faster and faster, adding in flashes of baby blue and red. Suddenly Trucy appears on a tall podium without any warning at all and starts the show with her magic pantiebrought rummaged her hand through it and pulls out common household objects.

Apollo: That's how you start your big premiere? Kind of a weak act to open with if you ask me...

Trucy: Hey! How many other people have YOU seen pull objects through a pair of panties? You just think it's weak because you've seen it happen so many times!

Apollo: Point taken...

Ema: Anyone else notice the author just kinda gave up in the middle of that paragraph? This is why proofreading before submitting is so important... *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH

You hear your name being called, you realize it's coming from your earpiece. "(y/n) Gramarye crawl through air vent 2, Apollo Justice is currently crawling through air vent 1. You know what to from here (y/n)." You nod to yourself and to Phoenix and Maya who both clearly understood that you had to go.

Apollo: Hold it! I was just standing next to Self Insert a minute ago! Now I'm suddenly crawling through the air vent? That's not magic, that's a contradiction!

Trucy: Ignore the contradiction! We have a doubleheader on our hands! Ema and Klavier now have to give their statements back to back!

Ema (grips the bag of snackoos she's eating from) Alright, here's mine: The most abundant element in the atmosphere is oxygen. Yes or no?

Apollo: *ba-dump* ...! (My bracelet's reacting again! She must be giving a lie! Although it doesn't look like Trucy notices her tell... Is it true when she said her perceiving skills aren't as strong as mine?)

Trucy: That makes sense. After all, we all need oxygen to breathe, right? I'm saying true.

Klavier: You could say it makes sense... "scientifically speaking!" I agree with the Fraulein!

Apollo: (I better pretend that I know what I'm talking about...) I don't know. I think that's a little too obvious to be true. I'm saying that statement is false.

Ema: Heh, I'm impressed, Apollo! You saw right through that lie! It's actually nitrogen!

Trucy: Wow, you're some sort of science wizard, Polly! Another point for you!

Klavier: Guess I made a fool of myself there, ja? No matter, just like the Who, I won't get fooled again! Now try this statement on for size: If you play the lyrics of a certain section of Stairway to Heaven backward, you hear a Satanic message. Richtig or falsch?

Trucy: T-That's just scary! False, false!

Ema: Wouldn't surprise me if he was in league with the devil... I'm saying it's true.

Apollo: (I couldn't see any tells, and I doubt he's clever enough to fool my bracelet...) I agree with Ema. True.

Klavier: My apologies to the young Fraulein, but it is true. And Fraulein Detective, that is quite the stereotype if I say so myself...

Trucy: A-Anyway! Polly's now tied for the lead with me, while Ema and Mr. Gavin are tied for third! We only have one last question left, so make it count when it comes, Polly!

You rush to your destination and clamber in. You had done this hundreds of times before, as soon as the red light was directly under you, you jump. A mini trampoline would cause you to fly a bit higher and from there you would blast out confetti, lollies and glitter from your red top hat. Everything else was easy to remember.

Apollo: You know, it'd be really nice if the author actually showed us Self Insert doing the trick with Trucy before instead of just assuming we'll swallow their words at face value. Maybe then, I'd actually care.

Ema: Moreover, how exactly did you perform this trampoline trick so many times? I can't imagine the Wonder Bar has that much room to make it believable.

Trucy: I don't know! I've never performed a magic trick with a trampoline there before! (thinks) ...Although that WOULD be a neat trick if I could pull it off...

Apollo: (sweating) (Uh oh, she has an unhealthy gleam in her eyes. We'd better move on quick before an idea forms in her head...)

A red light flashes from directly under you and you plunge down. Apollo is on the other side, you can see the sheer shock on his face which you find adorable. As you look down towards the fog you can tell that the audience will just see you round about... Now! You bounce off the trampoline, take off your hat and throw out confetti, lollies and glitter to the crowd. From across you you can see Apollo do the same. Luckily for you he's smiling and hopefully has conquered his 'fear of heights whether two meters off the ground or not' as Truce put it.

Apollo: !!!!!! (T-TWO METERS OFF THE GROUND?!) (grips Ema's arm in terror and closes his eyes)

Ema: Ack! W-What are you doing, Apollo?!

Trucy: P-Polly?! Are you okay?! Answer me! Polly?! POLLYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Ema: Settle down, Trucy! Apollo's fine! He looks like he just had a nasty shock. Must've been when he read he just jumped over six feet in the air onto a small trampoline.

Klavier: (looks uncharacteristically serious) I guess he hasn't yet conquered his fear of heights, ja?

Ema: What gave you that idea?! The deep breaths? The closed eyes? The look of horror etched on his face? The way he's gripping my arm so tight I can feel my blood stop? The-

Apollo: O-Okay, I get it, Ema! (Apollo opens his eyes, lets go of Ema's arm, and tries to look composed) S-Sorry about the arm... B-But I'm fine now! Really!

Klavier: Are you sure you're fine, Herr Forehead? You're really sweating up a storm...

Apollo: Yes, I'm f-fine! Like my Chords of Steel says, I'm Apollo Justice and I'm f-f-f-fine!

Trucy: (twiddling her fingers together) I-If you say so...

The rest of the performance goes smoothly until the grand finale. Both you and Apollo had no idea what to do. Trucy and you were on diving boards with Apollo no where in sight. You trust Trucy and jump off, Trucy does the same. You and her both flip and do fancy poses. You look down to see that there wasn't anything under her, as you look over in the direction of Trucy you can see the familiar swimming pool. You hear Trucy's splash as she plummets into the pool and then if looking in the audiences eyes, teleports to the same podium where she started.

Klavier: For all of the attention our author's been giving the show, we're not exactly seeing the performance in its intended glory. Must be eager to show off more of the romance between Herr Forehead and the viewers, ja?

Apollo: ...

Trucy: P-Polly? Are you sure you're okay?

Apollo: Gah! Y-Yeah, I'm fine! I-I just zoned out a little bit there, that's all. I just want this to be over...

Klavier: For what it's worth, we're almost at the end. Just a little bit longer, Herr Forehead...

You close your eyes for a second awaiting a crash of yourself plummeting down through the stage. But you open your eyes as you feel a kiss on the cheek. A gentle soft kiss that sends a million shivers through your body. Apollo, donned in a matching costume is holding you in his arms. You smile to yourself. To you, (y/n) Gramarye, thought that the show was truly magical.

Ema: Ouch. If Apollo really caught our little self-insert princess at the velocity she's at after jumping off a two meter platform or higher... Scientifically speaking, that would be quite painful for him.

Apollo: !

Ema: A-Ack! Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you! Would you like the last of my Snackoos? Maybe that'll calm down your stomach...

Apollo: T-Thanks, but no thanks. I don't really feel like eating anything right now...

Ema: If you insist... (reluctantly eats the last of her snackoos)

Trucy: W-Well, would you like to finish up the game we have going on? That (y/n) did show up after all and it might take your mind off of the story...

Apollo: S-Sure... (To be honest, nothing's coming to my mind right now. I'll just say whatever fact comes to my mind first...) U-Um, well, excessive use of hair gel might cause impaired growth due to the amount of oil u-used... (Ugh, make that more obviously true, why don't you? Stupid...)

Trucy: ...Um, t-that definitely sounds like a false statement to me! Don't you two think so?

Ema: Y-Yeah, that's definitely false! If anything, it helps hair grow out faster!

Klavier: Agreed. You can't fool us with your obvious lies, Herr Forehead!

Apollo: ! (W-What's going on here?!) A-Actually, that statement was true...

Trucy: Really? We totally did not know that at all! Well, you get three points for expertly fooling us, so that means you win the game! You're the best at this, Polly!

Ema: Yeah, you're really... the bomb, Apollo!

Klavier: Heh, you not only have a large forehead, you also have a large brain!

Apollo: (Did... did they just let me win? But why...?)

"You do know that this a cliche right (y/n)" Apollo whispers in your ear as he places you back on the floor. "Here, a rose to celebrate your talent."

Trucy: Why is Ms. Insert getting a rose after all of that?! If anything, the rose should be going to me for the performance! Or to Polly for catching her after a really high fall!

Ema: Agreed! Scientifically speaking, you and Apollo were definitely the stars of the show!

Klavier: After all, it takes a lot to fight your fears in front of a large audience, ja?

Apollo: (...They really are concerned for me, aren't they? In spite of all the teasing, they really do care...)

(The lights turn back on.)

Ema: It's over! And about time too...

Klavier: No objections there, Fraulein Detective. That was certainly more painful than the last story.

Trucy: But we all had fun! And that little game of mine definitely made the fanfic more bearable. R-Right, Polly?

Apollo: ... (Trucy... You've always been by my side, supporting me with my cases...)

Trucy: Anyway, let's draw your prize for being the best! (Trucy pulls out her magic panties, dramatically reaches in, and pulls out the winning prize.) And the lucky prize is...

Ema: (looks over Trucy's shoulder) ...Three free tickets to your performance at the Wonder Bar, tonight? That... actually sounds like a great prize! It'll be really nice to relax tonight after what we've all been through. R-Right, Apollo?

Apollo: ... (Ema... you may be grumpy and sour at times, but you're always willing to lend a hand, no matter how much it may put your job at risk...)

Klavier: Agreed. I find a night out with friends is always the best way to relieve your stress. Right, Herr For- er, Apollo?

Apollo: ... (Klavier... you may give me a hard time in court, but truth be told, you're one of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life...)

Trucy: (looks nervously at Apollo) Polly? You okay? You haven't spoken in a long time. I-If you don't like this prize, I can keep on searching until I do find a prize you like...

Apollo: ...... Trucy.

Trucy: !

Apollo: This prize you've selected for me... is the best prize I've ever won.

Trucy: (gasps) R-Really?! You really mean that?!

Apollo: Yes, yes I do. After all of the struggles I've gone through today, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than see you perform up there with my good friends.

Trucy: (looks like she's about to burst into tears of joy) T-Thank you, Polly! Thank you so much! You really are the greatest!

Apollo: Gah! (She's hugging me so hard, my back feels like it's about to snap in two!)

Ema: (with a genuine smile on her face) Whew, that's a relief! I thought we'd lost you for a minute!

Klavier: (with his usual teasing grin) Yeah. But at least you're back to being the Herr Forehead we all know and love, ja?

Apollo: (smiling) Yeah... I really am fine. Trucy, Ema, Klavier... thanks for everything. I feel much better now!

Trucy: (adjusts her top hat) Well, what are we waiting for?! We've got to get to the Wonder Bar early if you're gonna get the best seats! Everyone flocks to the bar to see my panties, you know!

Apollo: (sweating) I still think you could phrase that a little bit better, Trucy...

Klavier: Why are we sitting here, then? The night is still young... and that's when I feel like rocking out the most!

Ema: It's been a while since I could spend a night to myself... I'm really going to have fun tonight!

Klavier: Well, what do you know? The Fraulein Detective does have a softer side after all!

Ema: Heh, don't spoil it, fop. Or that side will quickly disappear...

(Laughing, Klavier, Trucy, and Ema walk out of the theater towards the parking lot. Apollo follows them out, but trails behind them just a little bit.)

Apollo: (You know, all things considered, today wasn't a bad day. Sure, the fanfic was atrocious like always, but even good things can come from something bad. And today, I realized something very important. I learned that no matter how bad things can get... you can always count on your closest friends to bring you out of your funk. Heh, it's funny when you think about it. The fanfic was wrong on so many levels, but the title certainly was spot on...)

Trucy: Polly! What's keeping you, slowpoke? Hurry up, or you'll miss out on the best seats!

Apollo: Ack! C-Coming, Trucy!

Episode 2: Turnabout Friendship: The End

Last edited by Ben Lyon on Fri Feb 15, 2013 5:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title


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Ben Lyon wrote:
Trucy: But if she worked with Daddy, then where is she now? I want to meet her! I wanna hear all about how she and Daddy worked together to save so many people!

Apollo: (I wouldn't mind hearing this myself...)

You, me, and the rest of the fandom, Apollo and Trucy. Hopefully GS5 will cover that.

Awesome sporking!

By the way, Little_Thief, I recall the first Leapin' Logic sporking mentioned that there were GK2 spoilers in it. I've avoided reading your sporks because of that, since the full translation won't be out for a while. How big a spoiler(s) is it? Also, did that only apply to the first one?
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blahmoomoo wrote:
By the way, Little_Thief, I recall the first Leapin' Logic sporking mentioned that there were GK2 spoilers in it. I've avoided reading your sporks because of that, since the full translation won't be out for a while. How big a spoiler(s) is it? Also, did that only apply to the first one?

The GK2 spoilers are mainly in Chapter 1 (the actual Chapter 1, not the prologue). Beyond that, the sporkers give some little tidbits when I felt it made sense, but I've tried to make them as ambiguous as possible, so keep that in mind. They also touch on things that everyone else already knows (like De Killer coming back). If you're still concerned, I recommend glancing over the Prologue, Chapter 1, and Chapter 12 (when Yumihiko is shoehorned into the story for no apparent reason).

Also, Ben Lyon? You might want to fix the formatting on your latest sporking a bit. Otherwise, another job well done.
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blahmoomoo: Thanks! I'm also curious as to what happened to Maya after Trials and Tribulations. Although if I'm being honest, I'm much more curious as to what Apollo and Trucy are up to for GS5. Here's hoping both questions are answered soon!

Little Thief: Thanks for the feedback! I didn't even notice the errors until I saw your reply. It should be all fixed up now.

I should have another spork with the Apollo crew up within the next couple of days. And there are quite a good number of fics to choose from...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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I'm back! I just found a crackfic that is perfect material. Let the insanity commence!

Title: In The Role of A Gavin
Rating: :sawit: :sawit: One for Klavier ALWAYS SHOUTING IN CAPS and one for the pure, sweet, crack induced plot. Saying anything about the plot here would just ruin the surprise. Like the first fic I did, it's not horrible. But it is out there. Really out there.
Let's meet today's sporkers! And they are:

Apollo Justice!
:odoroki: You hate me. You really hate me.

Klavier Gavin!
:kyouya: Ready to rock and roll!

Ema Skye!
:yummy: I better be getting extra pay for all the work I'm missing...

And his first time in the theater... Kristoph Gavin!
:apollo-shock: :wall-bang: :ema-shock: W-WHAT?!
:pft: ...

Let the fun... begin!

Episode 3: Turnabout Reunion

(The camera opens up inside the hallway leading into Theater #2. Numerous Interpol agents are seen guarding the exits of the building. Apollo is seen walking towards the open theater. He passes by Theater #1, its doors still closed for the sporking inside. Apollo doesn't notice, as he's too busy grumbling to himself about being forced to come here once more.)

Apollo: Wonderful, just wonderful. It's been months since I've had a client, the rent for my apartment is coming up quick, and the only way I can get any kind of extra cash is by agreeing to read bad fanfics for the amusement of some higher power. Trucy is so lucky she gets to spend the day with her father...

(He walks inside Theater #2 towards the front row. To his surprise, Klavier is already sitting in his usual spot, with the script in his hands as always. He has an expression of reluctance and dread on his face, a surprising combination to Apollo. He sits down on the seat to Klavier's right, concern on his face.)

Apollo: Something the matter, Prosecutor Gavin? You look like you want to be here even less than I do. (And that's saying something...)

Klavier: ...

Apollo: K-Klavier? Can you hear me?!

Klavier: A-Ah! Sorry, Herr Forehead. I didn't hear you come up...

Apollo: Well, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost or something!

Klavier: Nothing. It's just... I was given the script for today's concert like usual. Except today, management told me they were bringing in someone to take your assistant's place. Someone who had an unexpected role in the story today. Fraulein Detective is bringing him over here right now as we speak.

Apollo: A new person? This is something different. Who is he?

Klavier: ...Herr Forehead, this isn't easy for me to say...

Apollo: ? (W-Why do I have this sudden chill going down my spine?) It's alright, Klavier. Whoever is coming over here, he can't be that bad-

(The sound of footsteps interrupt Apollo once more. He turns his head towards the door. Ema is walking down the aisle with today's special guest, who is bound in handcuffs. Apollo feels his blood turn cold; he had hoped never to see this man again for the rest of his life.)

Apollo: !!! (N-No way! I-It can't be...) K-K-K-KRISTOPH GAVIN?! W-What are YOU doing here?!

Kristoph: ...Justice. I see your voice is still as booming as it is unbearable.

Klavier: (gritting his teeth) And it seems you're still as blunt as you are inconsiderate... bruder.

Kristoph: Hmph. It's been months since the last time we saw each other, and you greet me like this? I thought you would at least display a courteous greeting before getting your "witty" insults in... Klavier.

Apollo: That doesn't answer the question! Why are you here instead of in your cushy little prison cell?!

Kristoph: Don't turn those hasty, beading eyes on me, Justice. Ask the science-obsessed detective next to me. After all, she's the one who dragged me from my cell.

Ema: (glares at Kristoph) You know, I have a tighter set of handcuffs if you want to keep on going with your sarcastic responses...

Kristoph: (smiling) Oh, I know. I just don't care, that's all.

Ema: ...Hmph. To answer your question, Apollo, the management here sent me a link of today's story and specifically requested I bring...him with me. I don't know what they were thinking...

Apollo: B-But what if he tries to make a break for it?! Or even worse, what's stopping him from trying to pull out some kind of crazy revenge scheme with no one else around?!

Kristoph: Oh? Don't tell me you've forgotten about the 99 Interpol agents guarding every exit in this wretched cinema?

Apollo: Don't patronize me! Of course I haven't forgotten! (Actually, I totally did forget about that...)

Klavier: Interpol has taken every security precaution in preparation for today, Herr Forehead. They've searched Kristoph for anything that could possibly be a weapon at least twice. They've sealed all escape routes they know. And he'll be cuffed to the seat the entire time. He won't escape. I won't let him.

Kristoph: Isn't this a surprise? You've really gone the extra mile in containing me here today. Just a pity you didn't show that energy earlier on in your career. Maybe then I wouldn't have had to.. assist you.

Klavier: ...

Apollo: (sweating) (The tension in here is so heavy, I can feel it crushing my brain. I knew I should have stayed home today...)

Ema: (handcuffs Kristoph to the seat next to Klavier and makes him sit down) Okay, let's get this over with. I know today is not going to be easy, but we're going to have to make due...

(Ema goes and takes her seat next to Apollo. The lights fade and the fanfic appears on the screen)

In The Role of A Gavin

Ema: Which one? The irritating glimmerous fop? Or the cold, unrepenting psychopath?

Apollo: Please be option 1. Please, please be option 1...

Kristoph: Klavier, may I ask you a question?

Klavier: ...I suppose it can't hurt. What is it?

Kristoph: What exactly are we supposed to be doing? I must admit, I'm not sure what the purpose is for all of this.

Klavier: Ah, I see. To put it simply, we're forced into reading a bad fictional story about us and we make jokes about the story to make us feel better and to keep our sanity intact. Think of this as kind of a coping mechanism, ja?

Kristoph: (shakes his head) You have to make fun of someone else in order to feel better about yourself? What a childish motive to have.

Apollo: (Like you're one to talk!)

Author's note: Everything written in this is intended to be that of a crackfic, do NOT take this seriously under any circumstances. It was literally something I wrote together as I came up with it.

Kristoph: Ah, so the story here is written by Phoenix Wright. No wonder everyone here is so miserable.

Apollo: Hey!

Klavier: Another crack fic? (grins) Looks like it's time to retreat to the Justice Cave, Herr Forehead!

Ema: (smirks) Yeah, you don't want to be arrested by the Fanfic Police again, do you? Better turn on that laser grid of yours too!

Apollo: (sweating) Thanks for reminding me of something I've been desperately trying to forget these past couple of weeks. Some friends you two are...

Kristoph: "Justice Cave?" "Laser grid?" And here I thought you couldn't get any more ridiculous...

Kristoph Gavin was one day sitting in his office, thinking to himself when his brother Klavier flies through the door, riding on the wind all freaked out.

Kristoph: My office? I've never been back there ever since I killed Smith at that dreadful restaurant where Wright works. Doesn't this author know about my current... residence?

Klavier: (sweating) You decide to focus on that instead of the part where it's casually revealed I can fly?

Kristoph: I figured that part went without saying. Humans can't fly, in case you didn't know.

Klavier: (slams his hand on the armrest) Of course I know that! That's like saying the sky is blue! Or the earth is round!

Ema: (whispering to Apollo during the conversation) The fop's not starting out too good, is he?

Apollo: (whispering back) No, not really. He must have a lot of conflicting emotions going on, what with Kristoph back and all. I know I'm feeling uncomfortable here.

Ema: Me too, Apollo. Me too... (pulls out a bag of Snackoos)

"KRISTOPH BRUDER WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY, TERROR EMA IS BOMBING THE CITY WITH SNACKOOS, JA JA JA JA!" He yelled while throwing his old flamed guitar into the thrash bin.

Klavier: (puts his head in his hands) And so, my nightmare begins...

Kristoph: It seems you've now acquired Justice's grating voice, what with your constant shouting. I assure you, you have my sincerest condolences.

Apollo: I don't shout all of the time, you know!

Ema: "Terror Ema?" If I'm seriously going to be some kind of super-villain in this story, couldn't I at least get a better name? I feel like I've just been nicknamed by a six year old... *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH*

Kristoph looked at Klavier before doing a triple spin pirouette and looked Klavier in the eyes again.

Klavier: (stares at the screen for a second before laughing hysterically)

Kristoph: (adjusting his glasses) Dare I ask what's so funny? I fail to see anything amusing about this.

Klavier: Do you even need to ask?! It's you! Spontaneously breaking out into a complicated ballet move! In your office! This is the best image I've ever seen! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Apollo and Ema: (they're now laughing as well)

Kristoph: (glares at them all) You may all call this humor, but I beg to differ. This is nothing more than a pathetic attempt at low-brow comedy that's as insulting as it is flat.

Klavier: Heh, if you don't want us laughing, then you shouldn't react so strongly. That just makes us want to tease you more, ja?

"What happened to your magnificently barbaric guitar! You must tell me, or the fate of the world may change forever!"

Apollo: I'm pretty sure it was burned up by Detective Crescend at Machi's trial. What's so important about it now?

Ema: Beats me. But if the world ever gets to the point where its survival depends on the fop's guitar, I'm leaving this world for good.


Klavier: (wincing) I don't sound like that in court, do I? Please tell me I don't sound like that.

Ema: Don't worry. Your voice is irritating, but in a condescending, smarmy way instead of in a way that makes your ears go deaf.

Apollo: (I love how she glares straight at me when she says that last part...)

Kristoph: (smirks) Technically, you shouldn't even be speaking now, considering your vocal cords have been ripped out and burned alongside your guitar. I imagine you would be in too much pain to even make a whisper.

Apollo: (And I love how he just grins while making that pleasant description... *sighs* What did I do to deserve this?)

"...That's vocal chords, Klavier." Kristoph replied. "Besides, Justice has his chords of steel, no flaming chords. Or are you telling me that he-"

Ema: -finally realized his Chords of Steel were incredibly annoying and decided to take a vow of silence?

Klavier: -finally screamed so loud his Chords of Steel upgraded into Super Saiyan Chords of Steel?

Kristoph: -finally realized his defense skills were amateurish at best and quit law forever to become a revenge-obsessed hobo?

Apollo: O-Okay, I get it already! (And aren't you just a bitter Betsy, Kristoph...)


Everyone: ...............

Apollo: (Ignore the screen, Justice. Maybe if you ignore it hard enough, the screen will just disappear and you'll never have to read this sentence ever again...)

Klavier: You know, I've always been able to find the right words to say in any given situation. Even when I'm performing a concert and forget the words to the lyrics. But this... I have nothing.

Ema: Scientifically speaking... I'm at a loss for words as well. *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH*

Kristoph: ...I think I'm starting to understand why you all loathe this experience so much. Just looking at this drivel is making me want to bash someone in the head with a bottle...

Kristoph had not expected this. He told Apollo to always keep his vocal chords down to not strain the air of Immutinasium, the source of every single objection that the lawyers produce in court. Justice's chords, however, had the power to form the Immutinasium into actual elements of chemical combinations.

Kristoph: Actually, I told him to keep his voice down because the neighbors in the building next door were threatening to sue if he wouldn't stop his "voice training." It certainly wasn't because of this precious supply of Immutinasium or his unexplained ability to produce science out of thin air.

Ema: Chemical combinations? Hmm... (pulls out a pen and notebook and scoots in close to Apollo)

Apollo: H-Hey! What's with the sudden invasion of personal space?!

Ema: I'm looking to see if you really can produce chemical combinations with your voice! Can you make iron sulfide? Or barium fluoride? Or sodium chloride? Science needs to know!

Apollo: Look, there's no need for this! I inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide like any other human being! That's all, I swear!

Ema: Ugh, fine... (sits back down) Way to take all the fun out of experimenting...

Apollo: (Well excuse me if I don't feel like being one of your own guinea pigs!)

The Pact of the Chordinates was formed by a secret group who kept check on whoever had the power such as Apollo's. In order to protect the court's system of objecting attorneys, the Chordinates made a pact to limit the vocal chord's capabilities on every single attorney so that the Immutinasium would stay in the correct level and not dissipate the attorney's lawyer powers in court.

Apollo: Wait, so using this Immunity thing weakens the one who's using the power? Then why even bother having this ability in the first place?!

Ema: And what's with all the secrecy? Are they afraid that if these lawyers discover their society, they'll die from a really powerful objection? Because that's just silly.

Klavier: (pulls out his microphone) Why do you keep hiding secrets from me? I only want to protect the law, you see-

Kristoph: Do you really have to show off every time you get a chance? And here I thought being in jail would give me a respite from your music.

Klavier: ...! I-I told you, Kristoph! Whenever I get inspiration, I have to sing it out! The musician in me cries out for it!

Kristoph: Be that as it may, there's no need to impress us with your lyrical talent. We've all seen you perform, you know.

Klavier: Grr...

Apollo: (This guy is so cold! And to think I once respected him...)

To put it in simple terms, vocal chords that lose control may drain Immutinasium to the lawyer using it and give him increased capabilities, but eventually will stop every lawyer from objecting in court. And that's terrible.

Apollo: (sweating) Yeah, real scary. I'm absolutely trembling at the possible power I can possess here...

Kristoph: Hmph, your ability to stop lawyers from saying "Objection" is about as harmless as stealing forty cakes from a local bakery. Not to mention incredibly impractical...

Kristoph thought aloud to himself as he did a wicked cool backflip. "Justice has a special kind of vocal chords that allows him to actually form Immutinasium into elements if he breaks the pact. But why would he break it?"

Klavier: (grins) Look everyone! It's the return of Kristoph, the graceful ballet dancer!

Ema: He performs backflips with ease that can only be accomplished through years of intense practice!

Apollo: All while stopping lawyers from using their objection powers for evil! All in a day's work for the local ballet dancer!

Kristoph: ...With every passing second, I hate all three of you a little bit more...

Klavier grabbed Kristoph's hand and surfed outside with him on the wind. "WE CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER KRISTOPH, WE MUST FACE FRÄULEIN DETEKTIV RIGHT NOW, JA JA JA JA!"

Apollo: Okay, I get the whole Immunity thing. That kind of superpower is about as realistic for a lawyer as it's going to be. But what's with Prosecutor Gavin suddenly being able to fly through the air?! How can that possibly be explained?

Ema: It's magic, Apollo. They don't have to explain it.

Apollo: That's... that's just dumb!

Klavier: Oh, come on already! I don't say "ja" that often! This is just insulting...

It took barely five minutes before they saw Terror Ema tossing Snackoo grenades at the local populace. She was a mad scientist, of course she would do that, what are you talking about?

Ema: Except, of course, I've never shown any desire to cause pointless mayhem and destruction in the city. Seriously, why does this author think I'm a perfect candidate for being a super villain?!

Kristoph: You mean, other than the fact you wear a lab coat wherever you travel?

Apollo: Or eat so many Snackoos, it makes people think you're a Snackoo-powered robot?

Klavier: Or that you never show any energy unless you're performing some kind of science experiment?

Ema: ...This is a conspiracy! You're all ganging up on me!

Apollo: *KA-TONK* (And here comes the Snackoo parade...)

Klavier: *KA-TONK* Ack! Can't you take a joke, Fraulein?

Kristoph: *KA-TONK* ...You know, you're very brave provoking a convicted murderer who's in the same room as you. Some people would call that bravery foolishness...


Klavier: Oh, now I'm shouting. Whereas before, I was merely whispering softly into my bruder's ear, ja- er, right?

Apollo: Heh, I guess some habits are hard to break, huh Prosecutor Gavin?

Klavier: How ironic coming from you, Herr Chords of Steel...

Ema, however, merely smirked. "I've been waiting for you, Rock Star Fop. You know that I rule the world of lawyers; it's foolish to come against me."

Klavier: Oh, really Fraulein Detective? Sounds to me like you're on some kind of power trip. Do I need to contact Criminal Affairs and have them arrest you?

Ema: Can it, Mr. Rock Star. Besides, if I was truly in control of the law, I'd be hiding in the background, not brazenly displaying my evilness for everyone to see. That would just get me arrested no matter what.

Kristoph: Yes, only a fool would display his hand for his opponents to see. It's much smarter to keep your hand to yourself, lest you let slip your trump card too early.

Kristoph nodded to himself and stepped in front of Klavier in a super cool way. "Then I suppose we will have to see who the real fool is..." He said and pushed his glasses like a badass.

Klavier: (puts his hands up in the air) Whoa, stand back everyone! We have ourselves a hotshot over here!

Kristoph: Your theatrics are entirely unnecessary. If I wanted to watch someone overreact to a simple statement, I'd rewatch one of Phoenix Wright's trials. Or for that matter, one of Justice's.

Apollo: (Don't take the bait, Justice. It's just not worth it...)

"Can't let you do that, Mr. Gavin."

Apollo: "Do a barrel roll!"

Ema: "Destroy the two exhaust pipes!"

Klavier: "Whoa! Help me!"

Kristoph: ...I have no idea what the three of you are talking about. Nor do I care. If you're all finished, let's move on. I'd like to get back to my cell while there's still light outside...

The most serene, yet at the same time toughest voice ever just entered Kristoph's eardrums. If Karma wouldn't be in jail, he would call it perfect.

Kristoph: And why would that restrain me from saying the word perfect? That overzealous prosecutor doesn't have a monopoly on the word. Especially since, you know, he's dead.

Klavier: Maybe they're referring to his daughter? The lovely Fraulein who whips everything that crosses her path?

Ema: Ugh, don't tell me she's still around...

Apollo: Huh? There's a prosecutor like that?!

Klavier: Oh yes, Herr Forehead. Imagine a woman with Fraulein Detective's charming personality, her father's obsession with perfection, and a desire to hurt anyone she deems to be "foolishly foolish fools." That about sums her up, in a nutshell.

Apollo: That's one prosecutor I hope I never have to face...

Looking to the voice's origin, Kristoph knew who it was. "Justice, your voice... So you really did break the Pact of the Chordinates."

Kristoph: Perhaps this absurd super power does exist after all. If it can cause your voice to sound perfect, then there must be some kind of power at work here.

Klavier: Hey, lay off the insults to Herr Forehead! You can't just push him around like that!

Ema: Yeah, only his friends are allowed to make fun of his ridiculous voice! Murderers like yourself are not allowed!

Apollo: Thanks, guys... I think...

Kristoph: (pushes his glasses up) How touching. Protest all you want. You know what I said is true...

A brief, short flame came from Apollo's mouth. "Heh, yes I did, Mr. Gavin. And I've never felt better. I can feel the lawyer powers flowing through me, begging me to use them as I please. It's as if everything around me obeys my every will..."

Klavier: (pulls out his microphone) Good... good! Embrace the dark side! Feel the anger flow through your body! Let it consume you!

Ema: So you really can breathe fire? And here I thought the author was just exaggerating.

Apollo: (grins) Don't act so surprised. I am named after the god of the sun, you know.

Kristoph: You shouldn't place so much emphasis on a meaning, Justice. It makes you look rather... pretentious.

Apollo: (sweating) (This from the guy whose nickname is "The Coolest Defense in the West?")

"Why I would assume so, Justice... You were always a bit more willing to use your ambition, just as you should. However, I believe this is the wrong way to do this. Klavier if you would..." But just as Kristoph had turned around, he saw Klavier and Ema running off to a local bar together.

Kristoph: And of course, my brother is more concerned about his latest date then cleaning up crime in the streets. What a shocking surprise.

Ema: (glares at Kristoph) Excuse me! The fop and I are NOT dating, thank you very much! I'd sooner go out with a porcupine than him!

Klavier: As you've said to my face numerous times before. Besides, my desire for the truth is much stronger than you give me credit for, Kristoph. Why else do you think I pursued your conviction so hard?

Kristoph: Oh, you certainly have a drive for the truth. (smiles) Especially when it's a truth told to you from someone else and you don't even question the motives that person has in telling you the "truth."

Klavier: ...

Apollo: O-Okay, let's just keep this story going, people... (Before Klavier is tempted to commit a murder of his own...)

Apollo showed a smirk across his face. "You see? Everything goes as I will it. Court is in session, Mr. Gavin. And you are not leaving it alive."

Kristoph: I see you still have your power of manipulating the emotions of people, Justice. You really would make a fine villain in real life.

Apollo: OBJECTION! I don't have any desire at all to be a criminal, Gavin! Unlike some people, I actually care about upholding the laws in our court!

Kristoph: Oh really? So you're willing to abide by every law to protect your client? (smirks ) Including, of course, the proper admission of legitimate evidence?

Apollo: ...! (Ack! He's referring back to the first trial I had! H-How do I respond to this? I didn't know about the ace until after Mr. Wright told me, but I don't think that explanation will hold up...)

Klavier: Didn't we say to lay off the insults, Kristoph? Stop needlessly harassing Herr Forehead already!

Kristoph: ...Very well. I got my point across anyway. I'm sure that will be enough for Justice to understand.

Apollo: ...

The area around Kristoph and Apollo changed into a courtroom setting. Apollo took the seat of the Judge. At the side of the Prosecution and the Defense were Edgeworth and Phoenix respectively. Phoenix had Trucy cheering him on. Kristoph found himself in the defendant chair.

Kristoph: ...No.

Klavier: K-Kristoph?

Kristoph: No no NO! (his right eye starts twitching) That insult to attorneys everywhere is NOT my lawyer! I'd rather face the death penalty than ever accept him as my lawyer! And when did we suddenly appear in a courtroom?! Not only does this go against the laws of reality, it's also illegal! You can't hold a trial without a proper arrest and decisive evidence to convict a suspect! And when did Justice of all people become a judge?! Ignoring the fact that he would have to recluse himself due to personal involvement in the case, he's not even fit to judge a chili cook off! This trial is out of order! This story is out of order! Everything is OUT... OF... ORDERRRRRRRR!!!! (starts panting heavily)

Klavier: ...

Apollo: ...

Ema: ...

Kristoph: ... (takes a deep breath and shakes his head) My apologies. I lost control of myself for a second there. That tends to happen when I feel absolutely livid.

Apollo: ... (I think I need a new pair of pants.)

"Objection!" Kristoph bursted out. "Justice, what is the meaning of this! I thought your vocal chord level was no higher than Focal! How is it that you can shape everything around us like this?"

Kristoph: Yes, my point exactly. At least someone in this story has their head on straight.

Ema: Said the man whose character is a ballet dancer/circus performer.

Kristoph: ... (his eye starts twitching again.)

Tsk, tsk, tsk... So naive, Mr. Gavin. I had Ema help me with that, you see. She made my vocal chords not only become Focal, but on the level of... Local. I can change everything around me as I wish. Now, shall we start the trial?"

Klavier: That explains everything... No, wait. I had it backwards. That explained absolutely nothing. How exactly is the Local level powerful enough to warp reality to your wishes? What did the Fraulein Detective do to make your Chords of Steel powerful enough to that point? And why did you bring him to a courtroom of all places?

Ema: You're just now asking these questions, glimmer boy? We're too far into the story to care at this point. All that's left is to see just how more insane this story gets before it's over.

Apollo: If that's even possible at this point...

"Objection!" Kristoph cried again. "On what grounds am I being held here! I have broken no law!"

Apollo, Ema, and Klavier: (the sound of hysterical laughter is heard once again)

Kristoph: (his eye twitches even worse) If you're done with your insulting laughter, I'd like to remind you that in this horrid excuse of a story, I really haven't done anything wrong. So my objection is quite valid.

Klavier: (wipes a tear from his eye) Oh, I understand that. Still, to hear you say that with such earnest... I don't think I've laughed that hard since Vongole thought your fingers looked like delicious bratwurst! That was quite the experience, ja?

Kristoph: ...

The slam of a gavel was heard. "Overruled, and on the charge of being in my courtroom. Now let the Defense handle the defending, if you please."

Ema: Oooooooh, the dreaded "standing in the courtroom" charge. Clearly a charge worthy of the death penalty, Judge Apollo. *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH*

Klavier: I wonder what Herr Judge would think of you sitting in his seat and pounding his gavel. I can't imagine he would be very pleased, ja?

Ema: Not to mention he really loves slamming that gavel of his. If anyone else dared to touch it, I bet a really large penalty would be coming his or her way...

Apollo: R-Really? Maybe I should make sure my next case is with a different judge...

Phoenix stepped forward. "Actually, the trial won't be necessary, Apollo. The Defense has no motivation to defend this man."

Kristoph: ...Klavier, remove these handcuffs please.

Klavier: What? Why?

Kristoph: Because there's one more man I must kill. And I have to kill him now, while I still can.

Klavier: Are you crazy?! There's no way I'm going to release you after what you did!

Kristoph: ...Very well. Then I'll just have to break free myself... (begins straining against his handcuffs)

Apollo: Aaah! He's trying to escape! Stop him!

Ema: Relax, Apollo. I got this. SECURITY!

(Ten of Agent Lang's most trusted men rush in at Ema's shout and point their guns at Kristoph. Kristoph glares at the security team before reluctantly relaxing back against his seat. Satisfied, the men move away from the aisle and stop in front of the theater doors, waiting for any sudden movement.)

Ema: *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH* See? Problem solved. Now can we get back to the story?

Apollo: Y-Yeah, sure thing... (Can we wait until my heart stops trying to get out of my chest, at least?)

Kristoph was shocked to hear this. Didn't Trucy cheer Phoenix on just earlier- no. She was just convincing him that Kristoph was not worth the effort...

Ema: Heh, I always knew that girl was one smart cookie. Remind me to thank her for all she did to help me, Apollo.

Apollo: O-Of course, Ema... (Isn't there someone else you should be thanking too?! Hello?!)

Kristoph: (glaring right at the screen) Ah, yes, Phoenix Wright's precious daughter. I'll be sure to add her to the list as well...

Klavier: (looking sadly at Kristoph) Mein bruder... What's wrong with you?

"Sure, alright." Apollo said. "And the prosecution..? What do you have to say about this, Mr. Edgeworth?"

Ema: M-Mr. Edgeworth is here?!

Klavier: Hmm? You know the famous Edgeworth, Fraulein?

Ema: Yeah, I know him! He was an old friend of my sister when I was growing up. He was one of the big reasons why my sister was found innocent at her trial! I've always admired how he's willing to stand for the truth no matter if the defendant is guilty or innocent!

Klavier: Oh really? Doesn't this sound like someone else in this room now?

Ema: Don't even try to put yourself in the same league as him, fop. You'll need to be much less glimmerous in your trials and much more simmerous, if you know what I'm talking about.

Apollo: ...No, I really don't know what you're talking about.

Edgeworth was looking as prim and proper as always. He took a deep breath before speaking. "As a prosecutor, I would naturally go for the guilty verdict. However..."

Kristoph: (shakes his head) It seems Mr. Edgeworth has realized I've committed no crime whatsoever. A wise man, if I do say so myself.

Apollo: What?! You can't be serious!

Ema: Sadly, I think he's right. If there's one thing Mr. Edgeworth believes in, it's finding the truth. If he knows that Mr. Gavin hasn't done anything wrong in this story, he'll most likely push for Mr. Wright to prove his innocence.

Apollo: B-But he can't decide that without even hearing testimony! Or looking at the evidence, for that matter!

Kristoph: Hmph. And you're supposed to be my impartial judge? I ask for a retrial.

Apollo: Grr...

He stepped over to the defendant's chair with slow and bearing steps. Kristoph could feel his gaze drill into him.

Ema: (shudders) That glare hasn't lost its intensity, I see...

Apollo: Huh? Is he known for always glaring like this?

Ema: Oh yes. One glare from those pair of eyes, and anyone will confess just to get those eyes off of them. Mr. Edgeworth is unrelenting like that... (rapidly eats the rest of her Snackoos)

Klavier: The Fraulein is right. The first thing I remember hearing about Herr Edgeworth when I started my career is to avoid looking him in the eye if at all possible. Otherwise... you won't be able to move at all.

Apollo: I-I see... (There's another prosecutor I hope I never have to face...)

Kristoph: (smirks) Still, I know I'm innocent. And now, Mr. Edgeworth will say it to the rest of the court. I'm looking forward to this-

"However... I cannot condemn such a beautiful gentleman!" Edgeworth suddenly claimed.

Kristoph: Wha-

Klavier: Wha-

Apollo: Wha-

Ema: Wha-


He proceeded to be sat in Kristoph's lap and was just about to make his lips meet Kristoph's when...

Ema: (stands up) NO! Stop this! I demand that the author stop this line of thinking at once!

Apollo: (stands up as well) Agreed! Abort! ABORT!

Klavier: (stands up too) Where did THIS line of thinking come from?! Couldn't the author at least give some kind of warning before throwing this curveball?!

Kristoph: (tries futilely to remove his handcuffs) Get me out of here! I demand that you free me so I can exact vengeance upon this disgrace of an au-

At that moment, Kristoph decided that he would never ever take part in another role playing game again as long as he lived.

(The lights quickly come on)

Ema: ...Whew. At least he ended it there.

Klavier: I guess... But isn't this kind of a cheap ending? I mean, there was no indication about any kind of game being played before the author revealed it.

Apollo: It may be a cheap ending, but I'm just glad there is an ending! What an insane mess THAT fanfic was!

Kristoph: (breathing heavily once again)

Klavier: Kristoph? Are you alright?

Kristoph: Alright? Alright?! I just spent a half-hour of my very limited life reading the most insulting story to my character imaginable, and you have the unmitigated gall to ask me if I'm alright?!

Klavier: K-Kristoph! Please, calm down!

Kristoph: I'M DONE BEING CALM! When you've gone through as much as I've had the past year, you'd understand just how much effort it took me to remain calm! But now that I'm a dead man walking and now that I've finished reading this drivel, I've had enough! I'm killing you all right here, then I'm going to kill this author, and then I'll finally kill Phoenix Wright and everyone he holds dear! AND NO ONE IS GOING TO STOP-

(A tranquilizer dart suddenly shoots through the air and hits Kristoph in the neck. Kristoph jerks forward in shock before the drugs kick in and he slumps against the chair unconscious)

Apollo: W-What the-?! Who shot that?

(An interpol agent walks up from the door)

Agent: That was me! The subject looked like he was about to do something drastic, so I jumped in before he could act on whatever plan he cooked up.

Klavier: Nice reactions, Herr Agent. We'll be sure to send in a good report to your superior for what you've done.

Agent: Y-You're too kind, sir! We'll go ahead and take the subject off your hands! Could we have the key to his handcuffs, Ms. Skye?

Ema: Oh! Sure thing. Here you go!

Agent: Thank you! Okay, men! Let's move out!

(The interpol agents surround Kristoph, unlock him from the chair, and carry him out of the theater, with Kristoph's hands still handcuffed. Our three heroes watch them leave before letting loose a huge sigh of relief.)

Apollo: Whew! He's finally gone! I feel like I can breathe again!

Ema: You're telling me! My stomach feels like it can eat another bag of Snackoos!

Klavier: Y-Yeah... (looks down at the ground)

Ema: Hmm? Is something wrong, fo- er, Mr. Gavin?

Klavier: Nothing. It's just... that was the real him, wasn't it? That was really my brother that was with us today, ja?

Apollo: K-Klavier...

Klavier: When he was first convicted for Herr Smith's murder... I didn't want to believe it. The evidence was decisive, but I still held a small belief that maybe the evidence was wrong. He was my brother, after all! I didn't want to believe that the man I grew up with was a murderer! But then, during Frau Mishim's case... I saw him for what he really was. And then, today... he hasn't changed a bit, has he?

Apollo: ... (I-I don't know what to say...)

Klavier: During the whole time here, I just kept thinking: Was there anything I could have done differently? If I had known growing up the kind of man he would turn out to be... Could I have changed it? Could I have done something, anything, to change his fate? I-I don't know what to think...

Ema: ......You want to know what I think? I think you're over thinking this whole thing.

Klavier: F-Fraulein Skye?

Ema: Look, it was nothing that you said or did that made Kristoph into the man he is today. He made his own decisions and now he has to pay the consequences for them. I don't know what your home life was with him, but frankly, that's irrelevant. Because I know you were just as irritatingly naive back then as you are today. And if you were as nice as you are today... then Kristoph has no one to blame but himself for how he turned out.

Klavier: ...You mean that?

Apollo: Of course she means that! I mean, look at how you helped cheer me up the last time we were stuck in here! You've always been nice to a fault in all of our encounters! If you've been a nice guy like this your whole life, then Kristoph couldn't have had a better role model growing up!

Klavier: ...

Apollo: I understand you're still upset over the last case. Heck, I'm still trying to get over it myself. But don't go blaming yourself for Kristoph's fate. Because that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Klavier: ......Heh. And here I was considering a change to blues music.

Apollo: Huh?

Klavier: But you know what? You two have reignited my spirit. And now... (points dramatically in the air) I feel like rocking so loud, the whole world can hear me!

Ema: Looks like the fop has finally realized the truth. About time, too...

Klavier: Fraulein Detective... Herr Forehead... I want to thank you both for your kind words. I couldn't ask for a better partner and a better rival!

Ema: Just don't expect me to be like this all the time. I can't have you being all mopey in the courtroom! It'd reflect bad on my work, as well!

Apollo: ...(I admit, I was worried about him for a second there. But now... he looks much more like his old self. I never really thought about how he's been holding up after the last trial. I can only imagine the scars he's been hiding too...)

Klavier: Now that we've had our heart-to-heart, how about we get something to eat? My treat!

Ema: I wouldn't mind getting some food. How about you, Apollo?

Apollo: (Well, far be it from me to turn down free food...) That sounds good to me! Let's go!

Klavier: Achtung, baby! Let's hit the streets!

(And so, another sporking comes to a close. As the three friends make their way to the parking lot, they feel the bonds they share grow even stronger...)

Episode 3: Turnabout Reunion: The End
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Yikes. I am really hoping that Kristoph does not become a recurring character. Don't get me wrong, he was funny and all (especially when he didn't get the pop culture references). But if he's gunning to kill someone over a crack fic, the Management might want to reconsider having him back. :meekins:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I also think that this was the first time a sporker has been driven to such extremes, so congrats on breaking new ground. Not sure if I would want to go down that road, but whatever.
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One moment, please.

I still love this thread. If anyone hasn't done this one yet, I have an offering: ... ic-Reviews

It'd be a sporking of a sporking of a fanfic. This author's attempts at sarcastic reviews aren't nearly as entertaining as the ones I've seen here, and I figure it'd be a nice addition.

I've considered working on one myself, but I usually don't read fanfics. And when I do, I am a very picky critic. I swear, my attention span can sometimes be as fleeting as a fly's.

Okay, carry on.
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Darth Wiader wrote:

It's already been done in the other thread, but I think that was only Part 1. Continue? Y/N
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It's been a while, but it's time we got back on track.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part XI

*We open in the Sporking Theater once again*

Phoenix: Well, the reprieve was good while it lasted.

Edgeworth: I hope the author took the time off to learn some proper storytelling.

Kay: If that happens, this is gonna be a really boring sporking.

Phoenix: Besides, I don't think we're that lucky.

Maya: Well, when we last left off, we had that Yumihiko guy creating this, weird plan involving American folk tales or something to stop this woodsman guy.

Phoenix: Yeah, I'm betting none of that is going to make sense by the end of this chapter.

Edgeworth: That's a sucker's bet, Wright. Hardly anything in this story makes sense.
AN: GOOD news people I'm alive and this story is going to end before JUNE 15th for some reason I promise unless my computer exploded or something

Phoenix: *opens his mouth to make a snarky comment, but then waves his hand dismissively* I'd like to think we're above wishing harm on the author.

Kay: And that's why we're all better than Kristoph Gavin.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Ms. Kay Faraday that breaking the Fourth Wall is strictly prohibited. Honestly, we don't even know how you know about that last sporking when you weren't even there.

Kay: *pouts* Yeah, I missed you, too.

Edgeworth: We'll start enjoying it when you start writing better.
Chapter 15

Phoenix: I desperately hope that no one tries to break that record.
Franziska's POV

Kay: Oh, hey! An establishing caption! *waves* Hi, establishing caption! Where were you all this time?

Edgeworth: Not as detailed as the ones before, but it's better than nothing, I suppose.
I was in Pearl's room while everyone got ready on Conner's plan. I have to admit it was pretty smart of him. However I wasn't quite sure if it counted as a fairytale.

Maya: Um, hello? Maybe the characters already know, but would you mind explaining the plan to the audience?!

Phoenix: Also, Pearl lives with me now, apparently. Either that, or the author forget to establish that we're now in Kurain Village for some random reason. Either way, I'm very confused.
"Hi Ms. von Karma," Pearl said standing at the door.

"Hey," I said. She climbed into the bed next to me. "Scared." She nodded. "I am too."

"I don't want to see anymore people get hurt," she said.

"I know," I said.

Maya: Wow. That has to be some of the most lifeless consoling I have ever seen, not counting that story where I died and no one cared.

Phoenix: You will never let that go, will you?

Maya: I don't see why I should.

Phoenix: Good point.
"You still mad at Mr. Edgeworth?" she asked.

"Well I'm not mad but I'm not in a rush to forgive him," I admitted. "I know he didn't mean for that kiss to happen but once we get this over with things will be different."

Edgeworth: You're not on a comma budget, author. You can use as many as you need to.

Maya: Honestly, I don't think she's right on that one. Things will turn out the same.

Kay: Why say that?

Maya: Because this is a shipping story.

Kay: Ah.
"Everything ok in here?" We turned to see Miles at the door.

"Fine Mr. Edgeworth," Pearl answered. "Is everything ready?"

"Yeah just about. I'm surprised we did it so well with the scenery. I'm also surprised Maya had exactly what we needed."

Maya: I'm just as surprised as you are, Mr. Edgeworth. Seeing as I have no flipping idea what the plan is!

Phoenix: Sheesh, Maya. Relax.

Kay: I'd say that it was rude and/or perverted of Mr. Edgeworth to barge in like that, but seeing as I have no clue as to what she's doing, I'm just gonna let that one go.

Edgeworth: *bows* You have my thanks, Kay.
"I thought that was Kay's specialty with Little Thief," I commented. "And Maya is pretty childish. This time it cam in handy."

Maya: ...

Kay: Again, don't know what the plan is, so I'm not sure if I should be insulted by that or not.

Edgeworth: Came in handy, not cam. Honestly, you'd think the author would take the extensive vacation to do some proper proofreading.
"It's unreal out there. I hope Lang can pull off his lines," Miles stated. "Come on Pearl we have to keep you safe too." Miles led Pearl out to a safe place.

Phoenix: Are we, actually going to see any of this plan being set up?

Edgeworth: I have a feeling this is the author's poor attempt at building suspense by revealing as little as possible. Usually, when the cliffhanger of "Here's the plan..." is employed, said plan is put into practice right in the next chapter.
one year earlier

Kay: Well, screw that noise! We've got pointless flashbacks to show!

Edgeworth: Nnngh...
Miles ran Franziska into the clinic while she was still walking but she was getting tired of running. A nurse ran up to him.

"My God! What happened?" she asked.

"She was shot at the courthouse," Miles quickly explained. The nurse took Franziska into a wheelchair. Miles held her left hand while the nurse went to get a doctor.

Phoenix: Didn't we already have this flashback?

Maya: Oh no! We're caught in a time loop!

Kay: Given the nature of this theater, that wouldn't surprise me.
"What's gonna happen Miles?" Franziska said.

"Well you have to stay here so they can operate on your shoulder."

"I meant with the trial. What about Engarde?"

"I don't know Franziska. I don't know."

"But he's guilty," Franziska said. He nodded.

"I'll fix it."

Phoenix: Okay, I'm pretty sure that exchange was not that flat and lifeless. Seriously, put a bit more effort into this so we can care.
"You're lucky I don't have my whip," Franziska coldly stated. Miles smirked. He turned to leave but not after he talked to a strange doctor. He went back to Franziska.

"Franziska I'll be back soon," he said. She glared at him. "And I love the hair." He said as he left.

Edgeworth: Why I complimented her hair, I have no idea.

Maya: I know why.

Kay: Let me guess. Because it's a shipping story?

Maya: *grins* You catch on pretty quick.
Miles POV

Kay: Pick a narrator and stick with it, author! Jeeze!

Phoenix: And once again, the flashback didn't add anything to anything. Unless it continues from Edgeworth's point of view, but even then it's pointless.

Edgeworth: I have found that the flashbacks are usually in the third person for some odd reason, so I doubt it will continue.
I had to admit I was easing up about this plan. Conner was pretty smart, when applied it. Also with Little Thief on all the rooms were hidden so Franziska was hidden.

Edgeworth: Oh. Brilliant. Let's not only make the plan needlessly vague, but let's also throw all sense of grammar out the window just to make it more indecipherable.
We waited for a few hours before we started wondering when the woodsman would actually show.

Kay: Did an establishing caption kill your family while you were in the middle of writing this or something? We don't need the characters to tell us about the passage of time!
"This is taking forever," Maya whispered to me. "I'm beginning to wonder if he's even coming." I nodded.

Edgeworth: The sentiments are shared, albeit for different reasons.
"Maya I'm wondering the same thing," Iris said clinging to Wright. "What are we going to do if he doesn't show up?"

Phoenix: Iris, you're at least twenty five years old in this. You don't need to cling to me like a schoolgirl.

Maya: I thought you'd be okay with that.

Phoenix: Maya, I know Iris is stronger than that. Maybe even stronger than she herself thinks she is. This is just the author blatantly stating that we're a couple.

Maya: Well, no argument there.
"Come lets look for Franziska's boyfriend," a female's voice said

"Oh she doesn't have a boyfriend, remember!" I said. turning around. Then I saw A woman holding Franziska with a knife close to her heart.

Phoenix: Wow, Yumihiko. Turns out your brilliant plan was a bust. Congrats.

Edgeworth: This is an obvious fake-out and you know it, Wright.
AN: This is getting intense isn't it.

Kay: Well, it would be if we actually cared. You haven't really given us a reason to be invested.
Next Chapter: all will be explained

Maya: Um, hi, quick question. Why in the name of Mystic Ami couldn't you explain it in this chapter?!

Edgeworth: Again, it's the author's poor attempt at creating suspense.

Phoenix: What do you think we've been doing?

*the lights come on*

Maya: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty pissed off at this chapter. Nothing was explained! At all!

Phoenix: Yeah, I'm pretty frustrated about that, too.

Kay: Well, apparently, we'll get our answers next time. Or at least some time before June 15th. Not sure why the author established that deadline for him/herself.

Maya: *pouts* The only thing that'll improve my mood is miso ramen. Nick...

Phoenix: Say no more, Maya. I get the picture.

*And so, our sporkers leave knowing next to nothing about what was going on. Will all be explained in the next chapter? What exactly is the kidnappers' plan? What exactly was Yumihiko's plan? Hopefully, we'll find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Um, hi, I'm a lurker here who just got an account yesterday. Pardon the question, but my curiosity was killing me: in one of the sporks, Phoenix mentions there being a contradiction in the theater. Did anyone ever realize what it was, and if they did, can they tell me please? Thank you!
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Well, that's enough clarity for me for one day, let me check the time, yes it's about that time.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part XII

*We open in the Sporking Theater*

Kay: Well, good news, guys. The author says that he/she is almost done.

Maya: Oh, thank Mystic Ami. Maybe now we'll get some answers.

Phoenix: Like how this mystery qualifies as an international incident?

Edgeworth: I wouldn't get my hopes that high, Wright.

Phoenix: Says the man who's going into this with no expectations at all.

Edgeworth: Nngh. Touché.

Kay: Let's just get this over with. I want to see who wins the bet. I still say the kidnappers are perverts.
Chapter 16

Maya: *crossing her fingers* Please be the sweet kind, please be the sweet kind~.

Phoenix: I don't think that means what you think is means, Maya.

Maya: But I'm hungry!

Phoenix: Of course you are.

Maya: *pouts* Meanie.
"Oh my God!" I screamed. Everyone saw the woman as well. She had Franziska's mouth covered up.

Edgeworth: Yes, we already know this. This is almost exactly where the last chapter left off. We want to see what happens next.

Kay: We do?

Edgeworth: You know what I mean, Kay.
"How the hell did you get in?" Lang shouted.

"The window genius," she remarked. "I'll admit you had a nice try trying to use this fairytale against me. But I know all about Fairytales even this one. Mr. Oz." Franziska was making muffled screaming.

Edgeworth: How does that explain anything? The Wizard of Oz is not a fairy tale; it's a series of novels.

Maya: I thought it was a movie.

Edgeworth: No comment. *clears throat* Anyway, because the setup was so vague in presentation last chapter, there was no way for the reader to guess that this was what Yumihiko was planning, or what the plan actually was.

Kay: Yeah. I mean, was Little Thief supposed to play the holographic Oz or something? How was that going to help?
"Get away from her!" I ordered.

"You expect the bad guy to listen to that order."

Phoenix: Glad to see the villain just come out and say she's a villain. We wouldn't want any complex motivations or anything.

Kay: Also, shouldn't that be a question?

Edgeworth: In all fairness, it could be misconstrued as a statement, but you're right. A question mark would make more sense.
"Who are you?"

"If you insist," she smirked. "The names Sasha. Now me and the little missy have to get going."

"As if we would ever let you," Wright yelled. "Now get away from her."

Phoenix: Wow, this is just riveting. And by "riveting," I of course mean "I've seen more emotion from Charlie."

Maya: Hey! That's mean, Nick! What if Charlie heard that?

Phoenix: What if Char-? Do you listen to yourself sometimes, Maya?!

Kay: Also, I was unaware that smirking was a form of speaking.
"I will admit you surprised me with the act of The Emerald Castle. I was also surprised when the wimp came to play."

"Why Conner?" Kay asked.

"Well tell me. When was it called Snow White and the Eight dwarves?"

"Oh," Kay said. "Conner!"

"I didn't know that I was number eight!" Conner quickly defended. Franziska angrily screamed at them. "Oh yeah. Stop trying to distract us."

Maya: I, can't follow this. At all.

Phoenix: Apparently, neither can the characters. This is just an incredibly contrived plot twist that makes no sense.

Kay: Well, on the plus side, Yumihiko had a point in this story.

Maya: And that point was?

Kay: No idea.

Maya: That's what I thought.
"Why did you do this?" I commanded.

"Everyone was getting a happy ending. I was sick of hearing about happy endings. Plus I did know Franziska."

Edgeworth: Demanded. I'm not giving her an order; I'm asking about her motivation.

Maya: So, her motivation basically boils down to "How dare you get a happy ending! How dare you!"

Kay: Ooh, nice reference. Cookie to everyone who got that one!

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Ms. Kay Faraday that... Oh who am I kidding? You've not going to listen to us, anyway.

Kay: *smirks* You're learning.

"Don't you remember Franziska?" Sasha smirked. "Remember we were in first grade together. I was the one always reading fairytales." Franziska nodded as tears splashed off her face.

Kay: Apparently, Ms. von Karma's tears defy the laws of physics.

Edgeworth: This is a bit late for an exposition dump. Usually, we have to figure these things out. The existence of Sasha was never hinted at or conveyed in a previous chapter.

Maya: Unless that woman's supposed to be Susan. Or wait, was her name, Carol?

Kay: Who cares? It's Sasha now, apparently.
Why did you want to hurt Franziska?" I demanded. "She had enough trouble."

"Well She kept upstaging me in school. Getting all the A's and awards. I couldn't stand her doing so well. One day I pushed her into the gravel and followed her to watch her cry and what did I see but a good looking boy taking care of her."

"You were one of the bully that day!" I yelled.

Everyone: ...

Kay: Okay, a jar full of cookies for everyone who remembered that! Seriously, that scene was supposed to be important?!

Edgeworth: Not to mention that it's hopelessly contrived. She bullied Franziska, and because I helped her, she wanted to ruin her life and/or kill her? I've seen poor character motivations, but this is ridiculous.
"So I kept keeping tabs on her. I loved when ever bad things happened to her."

"That's disgusting," Lang remarked.

Kay: Huh. I guess we both win the bet, Maya. The kidnapper's a pervert who gets off on Franziska's pain and her plan makes no sense.

Maya: Oh, neat! Hey, Nick...

Phoenix: Don't even think about it, Maya.
"Well two years ago I thought she finally got the miserable ending she deserved. Then it got better until you came back." Sasha glared at me. "Finally I got bored and at that point I was sick of everyone getting happy endings. So I decided to use the fairytales against them. Saving Snow White for last naturally."

"Why Snow White?"

"For starters it was my favorite as a child. Secondly it had the most possible ways to die for little Snow White." Lang started to remove something from his coat. "Don't try anything Mr. Wolf-boy. Remember you try anything and little missy loses some blood."

Kay: *condescending* Aw, look~. She still thinks we care about her nonsensical plot and convoluted motivations. *rifles through her satchel* I think I have a gold star in here somewhere.

Edgeworth: Please don't patronize the author, Kay. We're here to offer an honest critique.

Kay: I thought we were here because the Management likes to watch us read bad stories.

Edgeworth: *Truth Bar damage* Nnngh! Why did you have to remind me of that?!
"Snow White's heart," Pearl said clinging between Iris and Maya.

"So someone else knows their fairytales."

"Why the other girls?" Iris asked.

"Well to be frank other people were sick of these girls," Sasha smirked. "So I offered them a plan to get rid of all the girls. I gave them the details and they followed and helped with my scheme."

Phoenix: So, she organized a whole team of criminals just to get to Franziska? Who does that?!

Maya: You mean besides the Riddler?

Kay: Hey, at least that guy has an excuse. This woman has the most ill-conceived motivations I've ever seen.
"Ok you had you're fun now put Franziska down."

"Nice try but sadly I still have to kill her."

"But you didn't kill the other chicks!" Maya said.

"Well if I killed the other chicks, then they'd know who exactly who to look for when they found Franziska's body. I may have underestimated you once but not twice."

Edgeworth: Poor sentence structure once again rears its ugly head. Also, if you just wanted to kill Franziska, why kidnap the other women at all?

Phoenix: Let's just say this woman's motivations are about as easy to follow as Oldbag's ramblings and move on.

Maya: *slaps Phoenix* Bad Nick! No setting us up for an obvious cameo joke!

Phoenix: Ow! Okay, I'll be good!
"Guess again!" Conner said holding a bucket.

"What you think a bucket of water is going to stop me," Sasha remarked. "Sorry I'm not allergic to H2O"

"No that may not stop you but this might!" Maya said picking up a really powerful squirt gun.

Phoenix: Is it a bad thing that I'm agreeing with the villain on this one?

Maya: Not at all. I also think this is incredibly stupid.

Edgeworth: I weep for the editor who has to proofread this.

Phoenix: That implies that there was an editor.

Edgeworth: *Truth Bar damage* Nngh! Why must you be so formidable, Wright?
"Well Like I said you try anything-" She was interrupted by a big powerful squirt of water. It had a lot of pressure in it to so she fell down, as did Franziska. Lang ran to arrest her. "Heh it's too late." We turned to see Franziska bleeding.

"Oh my God!" I said running to her. The wound looked pretty deep.

"Ow!" Franziska said. I held her close to me. Wright called 911. He explained the situation.

Kay: Wait, that actually worked? We just spray her with water and she drops Ms. von Karma like a sack of potatoes?

Phoenix: It also saps all of the drama out of the scene when it just coldly states that I'm explaining the situation. Hey, author. Here's a crazy idea. How about having me actually explain the situation?
"We're going to get help," he said as he got off. I nodded.

"Franziska everything's going to be ok," I whispered. She took her hand and placed it on my cheek.

"Miles," she softly said. We waited ten minutes before anything happened.

Kay: Again, we shouldn't have the characters explaining the passage of time! That's what establishing captions are for!
*Knock, knock*

Maya: Who's there?

Kay: *takes a door out of her satchel and slams it in Maya's face* The door!

Maya: Hey! That... *becomes perplexed* Actually didn't hurt.

Kay: Slapstick door. I never leave home without it. *flashes a goofy grin*

Edgeworth: It's become apparent to me that you never leave home without anything, Kay.
Wright ran to answer the door. He let in Gumshoe and the paramedics. They carefully lifted Franziska and put her on the stretcher.

Kay: Hey, Gummy! Nice of you to drop in, randomly.

Phoenix: I say he got off easy. He goes through enough hardship without being a part of this contrived mess.
"Hey pal what was with the sign on the door?" Gumshoe asked.

"What sign?" Wright asked.

"The sin saying 'bell out of order please knock.'"

"Conner I think you took it too far," I said. Connor looked down.

Kay: Wah wah wah wah~. *shrugs comically*

Phoenix: Considering that nothing about Yumihiko's plan worked except for the part with the squirt gun, that was a very weak joke.
"Well we got the little kidnapper in the patrol car," Gumshoe wrapped up. "Hopefully she will spill the other members of this organization." Gumshoe left after he got the witness reports.

Edgeworth: I'd complain that Gumshoe isn't usually this on top of things, but honestly, I think he could learn something from his brief portrayal in this story.
"It was weird," Pearl spoke up. We turned to her as we were getting our coats. "When was it eight dwarves?"

"When Conner joined us," Kay said. "What you think it was different."

"Like the seven dwarves and Prince Charming," she said all sweetly.

Phoenix: Wait wait, hold the phone. Were the investigators supposed to be the seven dwarves? That, I don't know what that is!

Maya: You mean besides confusing?

Kay: And perhaps mildly insulting.

Phoenix: Alright, fair enough.
"Like I said she doesn't have a boyfriend," I said. Pearl slapped me.

"Her special someone is here!" Pearl said. Everyone else realized it. I however did not. "Wow and you wonder why she was all by herself."

"The chick came and kissed me," I said. "Oh wait."

"Finally you realize!" she said. "How many people knew before him?" Everyone raised their hands.

Kay: Alright, I'll give the author this one. When it comes to love, Mr. Edgeworth is pretty oblivious.

Edgeworth: I'm sitting right here, Kay.

Kay: I'm well aware!

Edgeworth: *grumble mutter*
"Well we better get going," Iris said. Phoenix turned pale. "We'll drive slower this time."

"Yes please do."

Maya: Cut to the hospital where Edgeworth and Franziska make up, the end.

*the lights come on*

Maya: Oh hey! Cool! Does that mean we don't have to read whatever comes after this?

Phoenix: Maya, you know we're not that lucky.

Maya: Phooey.

Kay: Well, at least we're in the homestretch. And at least Maya and I finally settled our bet.

Edgeworth: So, how is it going to be settled since you both won?

Maya: *looks at Phoenix*

Phoenix: *sighs* I'm not made of money, Maya.

Maya: C'mon, pweeease~! *makes puppy dog eyes*

Phoenix: *sighs again* Alright, fine.

Maya and Kay: Yay!

*And so, our heroes leave. Did Maya accurately call the last chapter down the line? Was the overly-complicated plot really necessary? And how much can Kay fit inside that satchel of hers? That last one will have to remain a mystery, but for everything else, find out next time on Sporking Theater!*
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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Man, has it been 3 months since I last posted in this topic? I really need to find a way to motivate myself more. Little Thief, you deserve a medal for going through 12 chapters of this and still going strong. You continue to crack me up with your sporks every time. And I totally laughed at that Kingdom Hearts reference. By the way, I appreciate your advice on my last spork and I agree it is best if Kristoph is just a one time character. I totally don't regret having him there for that story, though. The mental image of him performing ballet was too good to pass up.

Anyway, I now feel up for another spork. Let's keep this thread strong!

Title: Descent
Rating: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: One for excessive and unnecessary language, one for continuity issues, and one for the poorly developed pairing in the story. And what is the pairing, you ask? It pairs Apollo... with Daryan Crescend. Poor, poor Apollo...

The sporkers for tonight are...

Apollo Justice!
:odoroki: Like a zombie, this theater just won't stay dead...

Klavier Gavin!
:kyouya: Turn up the volume, because it's time to rock!

Ema Skye!
:yummy: These barf bags being given to me is not a good sign. Better leave the Snackoos at home...

And special guest Daryan Crescend!
:haha: Heh, this has to beat sitting in a prison cell all day!

I can't seem to get rid of guest stars who happen to be in jail... Oh well, at least this one won't try to kill anyone here today! Now let's begin!

Episode 4: Revenge of the Turnabout.

(The camera opens up inside Theater #2 once more. Klavier is sitting in his usual spot with the script in his right hand and a barf bag in the other. He looks better than he did the last sporking, but he still has an uneasy expression on his face. Hearing footsteps, he turns to see Apollo walking into the theater. He's also holding some barf bags and he does not look happy about it. He walks over to the front and sits down on the seat to Klavier's right.)

Apollo: *sigh* You have some barf bags too? I can already tell today's story is going to be painful.

Klavier: More than you know, Herr Forehead. More than you know...

Apollo: W-What's that supposed to mean? Don't tell me I'm involved in whatever sick thought the author decided to indulge in today!

Klavier: .................

Apollo: ...Why aren't you saying anything?! Tell me I'm not involved!

Klavier: But that would be contradicting what you told me to do, Herr Forehead. I'm sorry, but the management told me not to let slip any details about today's main event to you. You're just going to have to go in blind once more.

Apollo: ... (Someday, I'm going to meet the management in person and give him a solid left hook to the jaw. I'm totally going to shout "Take that!" as I do it too...)

Klavier: By the way, where is Frau Wright? Is she not coming here again?

Apollo: Yeah, Mr. Wright is keeping her at the agency again. Something about trying to make some law books he's never read disappear permanently from the shelves. (How he passed the bar exam, I'll never know...)

Klavier: Ah, I see. Actually, it's for the best she's not here. We... have another special guest.

Apollo: What?! Don't tell me HE is-?!

Klavier: No, Kristoph isn't the guest. Apparently, the management was not expecting him to suddenly flip out like he did last time and has banned him for life. No, the guest is someone else. *sigh* Although, this will still be awkward...

(More footsteps come from the front. Ema once more walks inside with today's guest, who is also in handcuffs. He has a scowl on his face as he leers at Klavier and his shark-styled hairdo looks particularly fierce today.)

Klavier: Daryan Crescend... Looks like we're bringing the band back together for one last jam, ja?

Daryan: Hi Gavin. Screw you, Gavin.

Apollo: D-Detective Crescend?! He's the special guest?! You've got to be joking!

Ema: Sadly, this is no joke. Apparently, the higher ups just love bringing in criminals to read bad fan fiction. Must be their way of punishing them.

Apollo: (...And what do you call them bringing us in here?! A relaxing vacation?!)

Daryan: So, is anyone going to tell me why I'm in this run down theater with my backstabber of a friend and Spikey? Or am I just here to be mocked at?

Ema: Let me spell it out for you, shark fop. You're here today to react to a fan fiction in which you're the main character. You need to either make funny statements, point out inconsistencies in the story, or both. You will stay cuffed to the chair at all times. If you even twitch suspiciously, you will be tranquilized with extreme prejudice and hauled off back to solitary confinement. Are we clear?

Daryan: Is that all? Heh, I'm fine with that! It beats sitting in a jail cell counting the number of bricks, that's for sure!

Klavier: Just remember, this event is for one night only. Once the performance is over, it's back to your cell. And there will be no curtain call. Got it?

Daryan: Tch. Always got to be a stick in the mud no matter what, eh prissy pants? No matter. I understand I'm only here once. (smirks) But I'm going to have a real fun time making you all miserable while I have the chance!

Apollo: (And of course, he has to look directly at me when he says that. Who else would he look at?)

Klavier: Well, if everyone's been briefed, let's go ahead and get this show on the road. Fraulein Detective, if you would?

Ema: Yeah, yeah, I know the drill...

(Ema handcuffs Daryan on the seat to Klavier's left and then sits down next to Apollo. As she sits down, the lights go off and the title of the story appears on the screen.)


Ema: Descent where? Into despair? Because I've already reached that point, thank you very much.

Apollo: I always think I've gotten to a point where I've hit rock bottom, but then life decides to remind me it's still a long way towards the bottom of the ground. The story of my life...

Daryan: Hah! You two think you've descended into despair? Try having your best friend turn against you and have you thrown into jail for the rest for your life. Then we'll talk about despair!

Klavier: Need I remind you that you were guilty in that incident? Was I supposed to have turned a blind eye to the law in order to save a friend that showed no remorse for the crime?

Daryan: Isn't that what friends are for? You know, friends to the end and all that jazz?

Apollo: (I think that friendship ended the moment you killed Agent LeTouse, ex-Detective...)

"AUGGGGGGH! WHAT THE HELL! THIS IS BULLSHIT! PIECE OF SHIT ELEVATOR! GODDAMMIT!" Daryan yells in rage from inside the still elevator shaft.

Klavier: Whoa, Daryan! Do I need to put a bar of soap in your mouth? Or should I remind you of Gavinner's Rule #7?

Daryan: Very funny, man! I may have a foul mouth at times, but you know I'm never shouting them out left and right! I have a reputation to uphold after all!

Apollo: Rule #7? What's Rule #7?

Klavier: It states that all members of the band must present a family friendly image at all times when in the spotlight. That means no swearing, no drinking, no drugs... You get the picture. I wanted to show the world that the Gavinners would be a band that parents could let their children listen to without having to worry about them hearing anything that would upset them!

Apollo: ...But don't your songs always talk about murder and crime? That sounds very upsetting to me.

Ema: Yeah, I think you dropped the ball on that one, fop.

Daryan: Heh, that's what I said in our first meeting! But no, it's always been Gavin's way or the highway!

Klavier: A-Anyway! Let's move on!

"I'm so fucking pissed" He paces back and forth. "Yo Sleeves help me pry open this elevator shaft open. I'm getting' the hell outta here!"

Apollo: Wait, I'm in there too? Why am I stuck in there with Detective Crescend, of all people?! I didn't even know he existed until Agent LeTouse's murder!

Daryan: What? You've really never heard of the Gavinner's before? Hah! Have you been living under a rock these past seven years?

Klavier: Really now. I know you can be ignorant at times, Herr Forehead, but I didn't know you were THAT oblivious. Heck, I'm surprised you know where you are now!

Ema: Seriously. I may not be a fan, but even I knew of the Gavinners before I was assigned to glimmer boy. They're even in grade school textbooks nowadays!

Apollo: (What's with everyone ganging up on me? We're talking about a rock band, for crying out loud!)

"Umm Daryan there are no crowbars in here. How are we supposed to get out?" Apollo asks sardonically.

"Tch. Well I'll kick the damn door until it opens!"

"That's not going to-"


"Damn these doors are tough", Daryan huffs and puff loudly.

Ema: Brilliant strategy there, MacGyver. Why don't you try using your hair to slice up the door for your next attempt?

Daryan: (glares) Does everyone have to diss the hair? Besides, I'd never react like I am right now! I'd just use the emergency phone in the elevator and wait for them to fix the problem. Easy peasy.

Klavier: What if the electricity is out, though? It'd be rather difficult to make contact then, ja?

Daryan: Well yeah, but it'd still be better than breaking my foot trying to kick open a steel door!

Apollo: It's nice to see that fic!me is just as detached to the story as I am. It's like he knows what kind of story he's in and just wants it to be over as soon as possible.

"I'm pushing all the buttons and it's still not moving". *sigh*

"Oh Sleeves I got it. I'll use my cell phone-oh never mind no signal…..shit". Daryan plops down on the right side of the elevator in defeat.

Klavier: Heh, sounds like Daryan's taking a page from Herr Forehead's book. When in doubt, press everything!

Apollo: Hey! I'm just trying to get as much information as I can in court! There's nothing wrong with that!

Ema: It's weird hearing Detective Crescend talk to Apollo without any malice. Are you starting to warm up to him, shark boy?

Daryan: Pfft! As if! There's no way I'd hang out with a screechy lap dog like him! There's only three groups I associate myself with: the band, the police force, and the ladies. Everyone else can go jump off a cliff for all I care!

Apollo: (Ladies and gentlemen, your role model for the family friendly Gavinners...)

"Why does it just so happen there's no signal? Great we're really going have to wait." Apollo sits down adjacent to Daryan.

For a moment there's an uncomfortable silence until Daryan decides to break the long silence with something personal.

"So uh are you dating anyone now?"

Daryan: (recoils back in shock) W-What the deuce?! Where did that question come from?!

Klavier: Well, judging by the fic, I'd say it came straight from your mouth-

Daryan: Oh, bite me! You know what I mean! I would never in a million years ask that question to Sleeves! Why would I care about who he dates when I've never met him before?

Apollo: This sounds strange, but I agree with Detective Crescend. We're supposed to be enemies! There's no way we would casually shoot the breeze by asking each other personal questions!

Daryan: Oh, wonderful. You see what you've done, fic? You've made Sleeves and me agree on something! What kind of sick, twisted creature are you?!

"No not at all. I'm not looking for anyone at the moment." Apollo blushes and turns his head the other direction.

Apollo: ...W-Why did I blush when I said that statement?

Ema: Well, scientifically speaking, people blush when they say something embarrassing or interact with someone they feel attracted to-

Apollo: I-I know that, Ema! What I mean is, why did I blush when Detective Crescend asked me that? I didn't say anything embarrassing and there's no way I'm attracted to him! ...Right?

Klavier: ...........

Daryan: (his hair droops) W-What's with the awkward silence, man? You're starting to scare me...

"Why'd you blush Sleeves? Is it that magic girl you have your eyes on. You should be more careful about the chicks you date. 16 will get you 20." Daryan laughs immediately after stating a false statement.

Apollo: Oh come on! Why is it that whenever I'm with Trucy, I'm either assumed to be her boyfriend or her brother? She's my assistant and my friend, but that's it!

Daryan: Hah! That's a strong reaction there, Sleeves! You sure you're not repressing your feelings for her? You should just let it all out, man! Tell her how you really feel!

Apollo: (Must... control... fist of death...)

"What?! Why would I even consider dating her! For one she's 15. Also she's the daughter of Phoenix Wright, the man could kick my ass, and she's not my type!" Apollo stared at Daryan angrily.

"Calm your tits dude. I'm just messing with you". Daryan continued to laugh at Apollo defensiveness.

Apollo: Yes, thank you! At least fic!me knows what a bad idea that is!

Ema: You agree with yourself, huh? Do you also agree with the statement that you'd lose to Mr. Wright in a fight?

Apollo: If it's regarding Trucy? Heck yes. He hulks out over anything that could threaten her. I bet I could take him in a regular fight, though. I did give him a nasty punch in the face once!

Ema: (gasps) R-Really?! Over what?

Apollo: (scratches his hair nervously) Oh! Um, I-I'll tell you later.

Klavier: Meanwhile, I see you still need to clean out your mouth, Daryan. Perhaps I should recommend some soap for your cell? It sounds like you need it.

Daryan: And have my cellmates warn me not to drop it every day? Are you insane?!

"Hmm. Of course you'd laugh at me. I mean with you being a rockstar you can get any woman in the world you want. They flock over "cool" guys like you and Klavier.

Daryan: (smirks) Don't I know it! Why else do you think we started the band in the first place? It certainly wasn't because of the music, I'll tell you that!

Ema: (rolls her eyes) Men. They'll do anything to get our attention.

Klavier: What can I say, Fraulein Detective? I can't resist having the eyes of every woman in the country on me.

Daryan: I'll say! You'll do anything to make sure the ladies focus on you. You'll even wear lipstick if it gets them to notice you!

Klavier: (chuckles) It works, ja? My actions brings the ladies in all across the country. Meanwhile, I think you'll find you attract a ... different demographic.

Daryan: If you're implying what I think you are, then give it up Gavin. I swing only towards the beautiful ladies, simple as that-

"Sleeves" Daryan gets up and walks over to Apollo and sits right by him making Apollo uncomfortable. He then wraps his arms around Apollo's neck and Apollo commences to freaking out.

Daryan: ...No way...

Apollo: Oh no... I think I know where this is going... (nervously clutches his barf bag)

Klavier: (pulls out his microphone Kids, if someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's no good!

Ema: Since when did Shark Boy here become a bisexual? Couldn't the author have let us know beforehand so this would be slightly less uncomfortable?

While looking at those large, child-like, mahogany eyes Daryan asks without stuttering, "Wanna dare?"

Apollo's face goes from puzzled to downright confused in a millisecond and he asks, "What is it?"

Daryan: Simple: I dare you to actually defend someone without having to rely on everyone else doing your job for you! Good luck with that, buddy!

Apollo: ! Why I oughta-! (starts to get up from his seat)

Ema: (grabs his arm and stops him) Whoa! Calm down, Apollo! He's not worth it!

Apollo: I-I-... Auuuuuugh! (reluctantly sits back down) Fine. I'll just pretend he's not here and is currently getting beaten up back in prison.

Daryan: Aw, did I get under your skin, Sleeves? Come and face me like a real man! You know you want to!

Apollo: I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me proving your guilt and destroying your scheme to control the Chief of Police.

Daryan: ! Why I oughta-!

Klavier: Down, Daryan. Let's just move on and see what your dare to Herr Forehead is, ja?

Daryan: ...Tch. Fine. This dare better not be anything humiliating...

"Whoever kisses better doesn't have to pay for dinner tonight."


Daryan: ...

Klavier: ...

Ema: ...

Apollo: ... (slowly opens his barf bag)


"Is this your excuse to kiss me?"

Ema: ... (clears her throat) Sooo... anyone notice how the author doesn't address which character is speaking? Isn't that quite an error!

Klavier: (laughs nervously) Ah ha ha ha! Yes, that is certainly an embarrassing mistake, Fraulein! It's rather important to establish who's speaking in order to avoid confusion like this, ja?

Daryan: ... (gritting his teeth at the screen)

Apollo: ... (taking deep breaths in his barf bag)

Ema: ...We're doomed, aren't we?

Klavier: As good as dead, Fraulein Detective.

"How about it Sleeves?"

"Fine. I guess there's nothing else to-"

Then at that second one of Daryan's strong arm forced Apollo's lips to his grabbing him by his hair, and kissing him without allowing any oxygen. The lips of the shark head pompadour mans lip waltz all over Apollo's "trying to kiss" lips with moans of resistance. Finally Daryan parts away from the young boy's face and Apollo pant.

Apollo: G-Gyaaaaaaaaaaah! (pukes in his bag)

Daryan: What the hell, author?! WHAT. THE. HELL?!

Klavier: (grabs his head) And so it begins...

Daryan: Okay, author! Let's get some facts pointed out here! First, I am not gay. I'm only attracted to the ladies. Got that? Good! Second, I hate Mr. Puking-His-Guts-Out. I want to punch his lights out, not make out with him! Do you understand?! Third, that is not kissing. Kissing does not involve one person physically assaulting the other with their lips! And fourth, your prose is awful! "Pompadour?" "Waltz?" "Trying to kiss?" Here's a kiss for you: K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple Stupid! I shouldn't have to consult a thesaurus to understand what you're trying to say! Long story short: THIS. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!

Ema: ... Are you finished?

Daryan: *pant* Oh, I have plenty more I could say. But since Mr. Clean here thinks I have a potty mouth, I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Klavier: How considerate of you, Daryan. Just know, this is only the beginning...

Apollo: (finishes puking and looks up) There's more?! You've got to be kidding...

*pant**pant**pant* "You ass! I couldn't breathe!" *pant**pant* "I'm done!" *pant**pant*

Apollo: You're too slow, fic!me. I was done with this fic a long time ago.

"Now it's your turn Sleeves. Let's see what you got."

Apollo still recovering from Daryan's asphyxiation technique bows down to see that Daryan is still rubbing his ass like a masseuse.

"I'm waiting, bro."

Apollo: (buries his face in his hands) Why am I letting him do this to me?! Why haven't I knocked him out cold yet?!

Daryan: Hah! As if you could land a hit on me! I'd have you pinned to the ground before you could say "Objection!"

Klavier: Judging by the way this fic is going, you may end up doing that regardless.

Daryan: (glares) I. Hate. You. Gavin.

Ema: ...Is there any particular reason why Detective Crescend is rubbing Apollo's butt? Is this some kind of new asphyxiation recovery technique I've never heard of before?

Apollo lunges toward Daryan rather quickly but gently; Instead though he's using his tongue to do most of the work. His and Daryan's tongue simultaneous move in unison and both of their body temperatures rise. Ass rubbing Apollo turns on Apollo and he moans quite loud in the process. Saliva trickles down the side of Apollo's cheeks but they continue. They separate for a moment and both of their saliva creates a unified bridge with both of their tongues sticking out. Both moans are heard from the kissers.

Apollo: ... (wordlessly pukes into his bag again)

Ema: ...This is rated T, right fop? There's nothing here that will make this fic... not T, is there?

Klavier: Relax, Fraulein Detective. This is as explicit as it gets in this story. Although I would argue the salty language and implied themes should have been enough to warrant an M rating, regardless of how far our lovebirds have gotten.

Daryan: (clutching his seat) You know, Gavin, I thought I would never find someone I hated more than you. But now... I think I've found a strong contender for that top spot.

Apollo: (Ugh... I feel faint...)

"You lied man." Daryan stares at Apollo with disappointment.


Ema: Well, you said you weren't looking for anyone at the moment, and yet you were all too eager to make out with Detective Crescend. That kind of implies you were looking for someone after all.

Apollo: OBJECTION! I will never want to kiss Detective Crescend at any time in my life! Or the afterlife, for that matter!

Daryan: Likewise, Spike!

Klavier: Well, that's two things you two agree on. I think we're making good progress here!

Apollo and Daryan: Shut up, Gavin!

Klavier: (sighs) Fine, fine...

"You've kissed people before haven't you?"

"No I have not." Apollo replied defensively.


Daryan: (laughs) You're actually arguing that you've never kissed anyone before? What kind of a prude are you?

Apollo: (sweating) W-What's wrong with that? Isn't it better to wait until you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? That way, every kiss you have is special?

Daryan: Do you even hear yourself? Tell me what kind of fairy tale you're living in so I know which insult to use. Is it Sleeping Beauty? Snow White? Beauty and the Beast?

Ema: Oh, grow up Sharky. I think Apollo's argument is sweet. Dangerously naive and increasingly unrealistic in this society, but sweet.

Apollo: (As always, I can't tell if she's complementing me or insulting me...)

Daryan thought to himself, "Shit that was great. I can't lose to this kid."

Daryan: What?! That was not great at all! And besides, I don't want to win this game! Hell, no one is winning this game!

Klavier: No one wins when it comes to gay chicken. The only way to win is not to play.

Then Apollo was pushed to the floor and there was a yank sound.

"What?! The elevator! It's moving!" Apollo cheered in excitement.

Ema: What exactly does a "yank" sound like? Scientifically speaking, I would expect more of a "screech" when the elevator starts back up. Or maybe even a "whir" sound.

Apollo: Who cares about the sound?! The elevator is back on, which means this stupid dare is finally done with! What a relief-!

"That doesn't mean we're done horns." Darayn looks down at him seductively.

Apollo: ...

Klavier: Herr Forehead? Are you okay?

Apollo: ...You know how I said earlier that I always think I've hit bottom, only for life to reveal there's more room to fall?

Klavier: Y-Yes?

Apollo: Ladies, gentlemen, Daryan, I submit to the Court Record Exhibit A: Descent. And I think you'll all agree that this evidence is decisive.

Exhibit A: Descent added to the Court Record.

NO! DARYAN! This is taking it way too far!" Apollo says as Daryan holds him down by his wrist.

Daryan: Dude! What am I doing here?! I may be guilty of a lot of things, but I would never be doing... this!

Ema: Um, fop, are you SURE this isn't an M fic?

Klavier: I-I was sure before, but I must admit, I'm starting to have some doubts...

Apollo: (looking very annoyed) Sure, why not throw in some implied rape? Why don't we bring out the rest of the Gavinners too? Can't let them miss out on the fun!

"Relax kid. I'm not gonna rape ya. We're just gonna continue where we left off. I can't let you win this dare."

Apollo: Oh, well THAT's a relief. It's only going to be borderline physical/sexual assault. Yaaaaaaay.

Ema: Apollo, I'm starting to worry about the effect this fic is having on you.

Klavier: Same here, Herr Forehead. Remember, the fic is only temporary. We're almost at the end, so just hang on.

Daryan: What are you two, his support team? Weak! I've been suffering just as much as he has and yet you don't seem concerned about my mental health!

Ema: There's a reason for that, Jaws. Your mental health is non-existent.

"There's only 11 floors left and this elevator is quick!" Apollo panics as he looks at the indicator fixture.

"Then I suggest you shut up and get to smoochin' sugar tits!"

"Alright hurry up."

Ema: Can someone remind me what the reward for whoever "wins" this dare is?

Klavier: I believe the reward is the loser has to pay for dinner, Fraulein Detective. Why?

Ema: I just wanted to see if the reward was worth it to go through this violent and unrealistic make out fest. Clearly, it isn't.

Apollo: There is no reward on Earth that could make up for what I've seen here. Just end the dare already...

Daryan reached a mental conclusion and decided that he quits.

"Screw kissing you win."

Daryan: Finally, I do something sensible! Took me long enough...

Klavier: Looks like you and Herr Forehead lucked out on this one, ja?

Apollo: Not yet, Prosecutor Gavin. There's a catch here. There's always a catch when it comes to me.

Ema: Aren't you being a little pessimistic, Apollo? Your bad luck can't be that bad.

Apollo: Revealing catch in 3, 2, 1:

"Great. Great! Now get off!" He says full of relief.

"Not yet I'm leaving you with a present."


The tall man pressed his mouth against Apollo's lips and sucked as hard as he could.

"OWW DARYAN! Oww oww oww!" Apollo cried in pain.

Ema: W-What?!

Apollo: *sigh* See? It's not pessimism if I'm right.

Ema: T-This is incredible! I've only seen this kind of luck occur with Mr. Wright. I must record this for further analysis...

Daryan: Why is this author so obsessed with me hurting Sleeves through my lips?! I want to hurt him with my fists! What doesn't this author understand about that?!

Klavier: For that matter, how can Herr Forehead even speak when his mouth is being blocked by Daryan's mouth? Wouldn't he sound more like "MMMMMMPHHHHH!!!"

20 seconds later Daryan was finally finished with his "gift" of giving Apollo a hickey.

Klavier: ...A hickey in his mouth? Isn't that kind of... impossible?

Daryan: I was thinking along the lines of "retarded," but that works too, I guess.

"Daryan you are an asshole! That hurt." Apollo clenched his neck trying to soothe the pain.

"That was just a response to losing. I don't like losing at all so I felt you needed to receive some pain too."

"You're sick"

"So are you."

Apollo: HOLD IT! I wasn't the one who came up with this stupid dare! I don't deserve to be lumped into the same category as him.

Daryan: Wait a second! I may have come up with the dare, but you didn't exactly turn me down! You're just as much of a participant here as I am!

Apollo: Excuse me! Who was the one groping me and physically attacking me this entire time?! You're in a league of your own, Crescend!

Daryan: Hey! You never complained about that treatment at all in this story! You're just as sick as I am, punk!

Apollo: Am not!

Daryan: Are too!

Apollo: Am not!

Daryan: Are t-!

Klavier: Ladies, ladies, you're both pretty. Now can we please just end this already?

Even after the elevator doors opens at their destination their banter continued. Klavier just meters away runs to them for a hug but Apollo refuses by covering his hickey with made not only him but Daryan suspicious. And that night they went out to eat while Apollo wore an idiotic scarf in the middle of July.

Klavier: (clenches his fist) W-What the-?!

Ema: Heh. Looks like even you can't get out of this fic unscathed, fop!

Klavier: W-What purpose did my character serve?! I contributed nothing to this story at all! You could've replaced me with a security guard and nothing would change! And how would I know they were stuck in an elevator when no one else seemed to know?!

Apollo: And why would I want to wear a scarf when the hickey was on my mouth?! Wearing a scarf would accomplish nothing except making me look stupid!

Ema: I don't know. But I do know one thing...

(The lights turn back on.)

Ema: ...This story is finally over.

Apollo: I-It is? Thank goodness...

Klavier: ...Whew. And not a moment too soon, ja?

Daryan: Hmph. On second thought, I've changed my mind. If these are the kind of stories you read here, I'd rather stick with the brick counting. At least that doesn't make me want to punch something.

Ema: Fine by me. It's time to take you back anyway. Let's go, fishy boy. (unlocks the chains to his seat while still keeping his hands cuffed together)

Daryan: Aw, it's time to go already? Doesn't Forehead Boy want a quick smooch before I go? He seems to like that stuff!

Apollo: (Ignore him, Justice. He's not worth it...)

Daryan: Oh, wait. I forgot you're actually crushing on that magic girl instead. Why don't you go smooch her instead? I can wait.

Ema: Shut up already!

Apollo: ...

Daryan: What, no response? Maybe you actually want to hook up with your mentor, the Forging Attorney himself! Or maybe it's your other mentor, Klavier's psychotic brother. Maybe I could tell him that the next time I pass his cell!

Klavier: You're going too far, Daryan!

Apollo: ...

Daryan: ...Heh. Too meek to even muster up a retort? I knew you couldn't face me like a man. Any last goodbyes before I go back to my cell?

Apollo: ...I just have two words for you, Daryan Crescend. (walks towards him)

Daryan: Oh really now? And what words are tho-?

Apollo: TAKE THAT!

(Apollo suddenly lashes out and nails Daryan with a left hook to the jaw. Daryan's eyes bulge in shock as his feet lift the ground. He crashes his head against the armrest and falls to the ground unconscious.)

Klavier: W-WHAT THE HECK?!


Apollo: ...Huh. Mr. Wright was right. Saying that does add more oomph to it.

(The agent who took out Kristoph before runs into the theater, gun drawn.)

Agent: W-What's going on in here?! I heard some shouting and- (notices Daryan on the ground) What happened to the prisoner?! Did he try to escape too?

Apollo: (quickly panics) O-Oh! N-No, he didn't, sir! H-He just, um... Uh...

Ema: H-He just tripped over his feet trying to get up and had a really nasty fall!

Klavier: And crashed into the armrest on his way down! Just a simple accident, could've happened to anyone!

Agent: ...Are you sure?

Ema: Of course, sir! (smiles as innocently as she can)

Klavier: Would I lie to you, Herr Agent? (flashes one of his patented Gavin smiles)

Apollo: Y-Yeah, what they said! (Sheepishly grins while scratching his hair)

Agent: (looks suspiciously at them all, but shrugs it off) If you all say so. Still, I'd like to have my men take him back, just in case.

Klavier: Of course, Herr Agent. Go right ahead.

Agent: Thank you, Herr- I mean, thank you, Mr. Gavin. Okay, men! Let's move out! ...Again!

(The same agents as before come in and carry Daryan out of the door and out of the theater.)

Klavier: We seem to have developed a nasty habit with our special guests, ja?

Ema: Never mind that! What the heck was that about, Apollo?! Have you lost your mind?!

Apollo: I-I'm sorry! I tried to control myself, but he just kept on aggravating me with his taunts and I... I lost my focus.

Klavier: You know, Daryan had very high scores on the physical tests when we went through training. Attacking a former detective like that was very rash and very foolish. He could have easily blocked that and done a number on you, handcuffs or not.

Apollo: I-I know that! Like I said, I'm sorry, okay? I'll try and control myself better next time! (Assuming there is a next time, of course...)

Ema: Good. I don't want to file your name under my next autopsy report, you hear?

Klavier: Heh, me neither. That being said... (grins) that was one impressive punch, Herr Forehead. I didn't think you had it in you.

Apollo: ...! You really think so?

Ema: Heh, I agree. I gotta say, for a moment there... (smiles) you were pretty cool, Apollo.

Apollo: ...(Huh. So this is what getting respect feels like. It feels kinda tingly inside...)

Klavier: Well! That wraps up another story here! Shall we get something to eat?

Ema: I'm up for that! I left my Snackoos at home in preparation for today and I'm starving!

Apollo: I'm game too. Just as long as there's something light for my stomach. (And I don't end up footing Ema's predictably large bill...)

Klavier: I'm sure we'll find something. But for now... (dramatic finger point towards the doors) let's rock on out of here!

(And with another story wrapped up, Klavier and Ema head outside. Apollo follows them out, but trails a bit behind.)

Apollo: (So another story ends. I gotta say, while I probably should have turned the other cheek, it felt really good to give that jerk what he deserved. Not to mention my friends actually seem to start respecting me! I wonder how I can keep their respect... Maybe with a tattoo on my bicep? Or an eyepatch over my eye? Ooh, how about a long coat that I can pose in and look tough-!)

Klavier: What's with the slow pace, Herr Forehead? Hurry up!

Apollo: Huh? Oh, s-sorry! (...Maybe I'll just get the long coat. It's the easiest and cheapest of the three.)

Episode 4: Revenge of the Turnabout: The End
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Anyone call for an Gentleman?

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Location: Wales,UK

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jun 01, 2013 8:08 pm

Posts: 4

I've been looking at these sporkings and they're just done great, especially with the Bad/terrible fanfics.
I'm Enjoying what you guys are doing and I'm considering doing a spork myself, when I have free time.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Prolific Writer

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Rank: Medium-in-training

Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2011 5:34 pm

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My word, that sporking was funny. I was truly in stitches the whole time. :hobolaugh:

I especially like how Daryan played off of the other characters so well. Although I don't remember him nicknaming Apollo "Sleeves." Meh, it's been awhile since I played the game, so I probably could've missed that. :yuusaku:

Once again, nice work. :edgy:
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
My Fanfiction
My Fan Trial, Spirit's Turnabout
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Your Honor! There is a contradiction!

Gender: Female

Location: Northern California

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu May 30, 2013 10:08 pm

Posts: 701

Alright, here goes my first ever sporking....hope it's good.
I give this fic a 4 x :sawit:
Today's cast will include:

Phoenix Wright
" just horrifying.."

Miles Edgeworth
"Please don't make me do this..."

Franziska von Karma
"Foolish fool of a foolish fan fic! You shall know the taste of my whip leather!"

Let's start the sporking shall we?

Phoenix and Edgeworth hesitantly enter the theater, with Franziska following behind them
Phoenix: So...a..c-crossover...
Edgeworth: This is going to be very painful...
Fraziska: *cracks her whip* Move faster!!
Edgeworth: Y-yoowwch!! We're moving!
(The projector starts up)
A/N: this is a crossover between 2 things I am obsessed with: the Harry Potter Books and the underrated amazing DS Ace Attorney games (Even though Miles is not as likeable as Phoenix Ace Attorney Investigations is my favourite of the series)! This takes place after Trials and Tribulations!

Harry Potter and the Wrath of the Lawyers

adopted from Silver Horror

Fraziska: Favorite is misspelled, this will already be a travesty!
Phoenix: Silver Horror? Well they certainly got the last part right...
Edgeworth: I think the author also forgot to add a bit of punctuation to their remarks

"Edgeworth why are we doing this?" asked Phoenix as he, Edgeworth, Detective Gumshoe, Maya and Pearl were boarding a plane to England.

"For the 6th time Wright!" Edgeworth said "we are going to investigate the dealings of a drill firm called Grunnings and we are to be meeting with the firm's director with his family!"

"Why?" Maya asked.

"I don't know!" shouted Edgeworth "he probably wants to sweet talk us or something!"

"Edgeworth your scaring Pearl!" Maya said as she hugged Pearl while Edgeworth just shook his head as they entered the plane.

2 days later in Privet Drive

Edgeworth: While I admit that Wright is rather dull
Phoenix: Hey!
Edgeworth: I must point out that it wouldn't take repeating myself 6 times in order for the message to get across, and I don't shout at random. Also if this takes place after the 3rd game, then my shouting shouldn't even scare Pearl, since hanging around Wright and Maya all day must certainly get her used to that.
Franziska: Enough with your foolish babbling Miles Edgeworth! Need I have to point out the most obvious flaw? The time skip, no mention of what happened during the flight, or even more background information! This is a sham of a fanfiction!
Phoenix: Speaking of Gumshoe where is he?
Edgeworth: Probably buying lottery tickets.

"Hurry up with the cooking boy!" Vernon was shouting at the 7 year old Harry Potter how was finishing cooking the food for the dinner party. Vernon was dressed in his best suit, Petunia in her best dress and Dudley in what the Dursley thought was a smart tux.

After Harry was finished Vernon punched him and then threw him in the cupboard.

Phoenix: They certainly aren't holding back the evil-ness of the family.
Edgeworth: No they most certainly aren't, and the Dursley's in the Harry Potter series were never that abusive towards him.

"We are having 2 lawyers over for tea" Vernon told him before he shut the door "and this is to make sure you do not ruin it!"

He then locked the door and then moved a cabinet in front of the cupboard door.

Later Phoenix, Edgeworth, Pearl and Maya had arrived. They entered and sat. Both and Phoenix as they saw the cabinet were sceptical as why there was a cabinet in front of a cupboard.

Edgeworth: And just how would a 7 year old abuse victim somehow be able to ruin this whole charade with that much re-enforcement holding him back?
Franziska: Another misspelling, and bad grammar on top of that! *whip crack* This is truly the lowest form of fanfiction!
Edgeworth: I'd also like to point out that who is the 'both' when mentioning Wright? I assume they mean me, but in that case how would we both know it was a cupboard if something was blocking it?
Phoenix: Edgeworth if you keep pointing out little contradictions like this we'll be here all week..

Dudley kept poking Pearl's arm but Vernon kept saying he was just saying.

"Vernon tells me you are a wonderful golfer Mr Edgeworth" Petunia said.

"I have never played golf in my enter life and I doubt I ever will" said Edgeworth shaking his head at their blatant attempt at sweet talking.

Both Vernon and Petunia looked nervously at them.

Edgeworth: Well at least they got some part of my character correctly.
Franziska: What in the name of von Karma were those first and sentences about!? They made no sense what so ever!
Phoenix: So why am I here again...?
Edgeworth: I assume you have a role in this somewhere...
Franziska: It's supposed to be 'playing' and 'at themselves' you foolish! *whip crack* foolish *whip crack* author!!
Phoenix: L-let's just keep going!!

"I had to write an essay at school about my hero" Dudley said "and I wrote about you Mr Wright!"

Petunia looked proudly at Dudley while Phoenix was banging his head on the table.

"I just want to take a walk outside for a moment" Edgeworth said 2 minutes later and then he got up to the hallway.

"I'll go with you Mr Edgeworth sir!" Gumshoe said getting up.

Franziska: Fitting that the foolish fool of a boy writes about a foolish fool of a lawyer!
Phoenix: *banging his head on something*
Edgeworth: I find this rather hilarious because now I have this mental image of Wright physically banging his head on the table. But back to the 'story'. Why would I wait two minutes to announce, in a rather childish manner to boot, that I simply want to go outside.
Franziska: And the grammar is off too! Does this author have no shame!?

"Distract them!" Edgeworth whispered to Phoenix and he nodded.

As soon as they were alone Edgeworth told Gumshoe "let's see what is in this cupboard!"

Miles pulled the cupboard away while Gumshoe pushed the other side.

"It's locked!" Edgeworth said trying to pull open the cupboard with both hands.

Phoenix: Why me..
Edgeworth: Yes Wright, distract them! Don't ask me how or what, just do it!
Phoenix: Shut up Edgeworth..
Edgeworth: While on subject, I think that what 'myself' is doing is rather illegal.

"I'll handle this, Mr Edgeworth!" said Gumshoe as he used his strength to force open the door.

They were shocked to find what looked like a starved, frightened and hurt little boy.

"DURSLEY!" Edgeworth shouted. Phoenix, Pearl and Maya came to them followed by the Dursleys who looked shocked and angry at the open cupboard door.

"Mr Dursley!" said Edgeworth angry "what I do ask is this poor child doing locked in your cupboard!"

Edgeworth: Now I defiantly know what was going on his illegal.
Phoenix: Watch out everyone!!! Edgeworth's angry!!

"This is my room" said Harry which made the policeman and lawyers even angrier.

"That's Harry Potter our freak nephew" grunted Vernon "he is a freak and we have to discipline him..."

"This shows signs of abuse!" shouted Phoenix.

Edgeworth: *slowly clapping* Bravo Wright. A weak and starved 7 year old child locked in a cupboard, and the abuser flat out admitting it, and the only thing you can say is that.
Phoenix: *spluttering angrily* W-WHAT!? I-I would NEVER be that stupid!!
Edgeworth: I suggest you calm down before you blow a gasket.

"Gumshoe! Arrest these...these...ANIMALS and we will call the authorities!" Edgeworth said. Gumshoe nodded and took out 2 pairs of handcuffs.

He then cuffed Petunia and a very uncooperative Vernon. Phoenix used a nearby phone to call the police and Edgeworth used his cell to call an ambulance for Harry.

Maya held back Dudley as he went to punch Harry.

Days later

At the detention later Vernon was visited by his boss the CEO of Grunnings.

The CEO shouted at him firing him at the spot, saying he felt child abusers were the worst kind of criminals and he refused to let one work in his company. Soon he was met by his solicitor. Vernon was planning on suing Phoenix and Edgeworth for wrongful arrest and to fight his imprisonment.

Phoenix: Yes Detective! Illegally apprehend these p-
Edgeworth: OBJECTION!! While I don't hate to bring your impersonation of me to an end, I must point out that despite what it seems, we were making a citizen's arrest.
Phoenix: Oh...
Edgeworth: But feel free to make fun of the fact a man wearing handcuffs tried to punch a boy, but got held back bye Maya of all people.

"Bad news Vernon" his Solicitor was telling him "Legal Aid refuses to finance your appeal!"

"But doesn't Grunnings have friends in high places and a legal department for us..."

"Because of you having been fired that is not an option" the Solicitor said "besides even if you were not fired the friends in high places refuses to finance appeals for crimes such as rape or child abuse!"

At the hospital Harry was managing to recover. Gumshoe was there with Phoenix, Maya, Pearl and Edgeworth. Maya gave Harry a pearl necklace she made.

Phoenix: I can't really find anything wrong here...
Edgeworth: Neither can I. Franziska?
Franziska: *silent*

Harry managed to tell them what they done to him.

"Punishing him for getting better grades than their son...making him cook...they will NOT be getting away with this!" Phoenix said.

Edgeworth was reading over Harry's school reports.

"His marks are quite good" Edgeworth said "each of his teachers kept saying 'needs to be more self confident!' I am thinking of seeing if I can adopt him into my care!"

Edgeworth and Pheonix: W-WHAAAAAAAAAT?!!?
Edgeworth: A-ADOPT HIM!? W-what sort of poppycock is this?! I've barely met the child, yet alone managed in that small time frame to determine to become his legal guardian!!!

"Severus!" said Edgeworth looking at Snape.

"Miles!" sneered Snape.

"who is that Severus and how do you know him?" Dumbledore asked.

"Miles Edgeworth is a prosecutor and my cousin on my muggle father's side" Snape said "and he knows about our world!"

Edgeworth: I....I'm still in shock from the last thing said..
Franziska: Then allow me to handle this you foolish fools. I assume that the man called Snape is referring to Mile's real father, if not then how exactly is he related to the man, and how does he know about magic and the like?
Edgeworth: T-thank you...

"I am Albus Dumbledore" Dumbledore said "I am the headmaster of the school Harry's parents went too..."

"and what authority as a HEADMASTER do you have to take him away?"

"I am the one who sent him to live with his aunt & uncle after his parents died..."

"YOU SENT HIM TO LIVE WITH THOSE ABUSIVE ANIMALS!" shouted Edgeworth, Phoenix and Maya angrily.

Edgeworth: That at least seems a little better. At least in character for me at least...

This shocked Snape. He looked at Harry lying on the hospital bed and then realised how much hurt he was because of Lily's sister. His love of the late Lily Potter outweighed his hatred of James Potter and he vowed to do anything to help her son—even defy Dumbledore.

"I just want to clear up the misunderstanding with Mr & Mrs Dursley" said Dumbledore "I will clear up the misunderstanding with the alleged 'abuse' and I will be safely sending him back to his aunt & Uncle..."

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL!" said Edgeworth "he will never be going back to those animals again! You will not be taking him away and I will see to it the animals will be sent to prison for life!"

"We will see about that!" said Dumbledore as he and Snape went away.

"What did that Severus man mean when he said 'our world'?" asked Phoenix.
"I will explain later!" said Edgeworth

Edgeworth: While the stupidity of Dumbledore is obvious, at least the author is finally managing to get my character back in line.
Phoenix: Why do YOU get your character set straight!? I look like a giant idiot!!
Franziska: So they got your character spot on then.


In the Wizengamot

Phoenix: Alright guys. It's later. Got that?
Edgeworth: Yes.
Franziska: Yes.
Phoenix: Good.

"Minister Fudge and the Wizengamot" Dumbledore said "it is in the best interests and safety of Harry that we clear the farce of a case against his aunt & uncle and send him back to them..."

"I disagree" Snape said standing up. This shocked most of the Wizengamot and Dumbledore who knew that Snape was completely in Dumbledore's pocket. "I say that we allow the Dursleys be prosecuted, allow Potter to be adopted and a vote of no confidence against Dumbledore as Chief Warlock for overceeding his authority!"

This sent the Wizengamot the Wizengamot into hysterics and it took Fudge banging his desk with his hands to restore order.

Edgeworth: It seems the wizarding world as adapted our style of court systems.
Phoenix: Fudge doesn't have a gavel or anything?
Edgeworth: Apparently not, since I'm not sure how much force one would have to put on their desk to make a sound large enough for that feat.

"I would like to have the Potters family will unsealed!" Snape said "Dumbledore sealed it after the Potters death and said they wanted their son to go to the Dursleys. I know Lily Potter and she would never allow that to happen! The will show if they did indeed wanted the Dursleys to get Harry!"

"I call this meeting on hold for today" Fudge said "I will ask Gringotts about unsealing the will. Dumbledore you are suspended as Chief Warlock pending this investigation and until further notice you are not to interfere in the Dursleys case in any way, shape or form or try to take Harry Potter away from where the muggles are keeping in risk of a hefty fine and possible jail sentence!"

Edgeworth: This is actually quite accurate to our own court system. But I must point out that how is abuse NOT able to warrant a direct jail sentence to these people?
Phoenix: Stop questioning it. It's almost over...

After the meeting Dumbledore asked Snape angrily "what have you done Severus?"

Snape merely laughed in his face.

(The Credits Roll)
Phoenix: There! It's over! Thank god!!
Edgeworth: That....that was truly horrific.
Franziska: There's another chapter.
Phoenix and Edgeworth: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The three leave, Edgeworth and Phoenix horrified.)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Little Thief: Glad you enjoyed it! I had a lot of fun writing Daryan's reactions to everything in the story. And yeah, he starts calling Apollo "Sleeves" when Apollo starts pointing out his lies in court as a passive-aggressive attack. Which I had a ton of fun translating over into the sporking. :hobolaugh:

shippersdreamer: Another sporker! Welcome to the club! For a first attempt, I thought it was pretty good. That crossover was painful to read, but the spork made everything better. I just have a couple of suggestions. First, I'd double space the people talking so it's easier to read. Second, I would take a look for any grammar mistakes before posting, if only to avoid the irony of having a spork criticize the fic for bad grammar, yet be guilty of the same thing.
For example, this sentence:

Edgeworth: Now I defiantly know what was going on his illegal.

While it sounds awesome, it still kinda wrecks the flow a little bit. Just something to look for next time.

Still, those are just some minor nitpicks. Like I said, it was still pretty good overall! Looking forward to chapter two! Of the spork, that is. Not the actual story.

(By the way, anyone notice the irony of Edgeworth being the one who knows about magic and being totally okay with it? If that doesn't scream "out of character," nothing does...)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Found a terrible one full of Writing errors
I was going to do it myself, but I haven't got the time to do it.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Forrest wrote:
Found a terrible one full of Writing errors
I was going to do it myself, but I haven't got the time to do it.

Don't worry, I'll do it as my first-ever spork! :edgy:

Today's Spork: Phoenix is a jerk

So I was inspired by all you guys who have made me laugh countless times, and I was bored, so...yeah.
Anyway, what a horrible one to start off with!
I think it deserves a :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: for its grammar, spelling mistakes, VERY strange storyline, masses of OOC-ness and stereotypical British stuff.

The sporkers are:

Phoenix Wright :phoenix: "FOUR Sahwits?! Please save me.."
Maya Fey :maya: "Chin up, Nick! We'll just have to grit our teeth and bear it."
Miles Edgeworth :edgeworth: "At least it's not a Dahlia, Wright. But I suppose it's close enough.."

Here we go, then!

(Our sporkers arrive in the Sporking Theatre car park in a flashy, bright-red sports car. Maya begins to run towards the theatre then suddenly stops.)

Maya: Oh, yeah. I forgot what’s in there isn’t all that great…
Phoenix: *panting* Maya! D-don’t run off like that!
Edgeworth: I agree with Wright, Maya. You don’t know what’s inside there. A kidnapper, a trap…
Phoenix: A murderer, a criminal…
Maya: (sarcastically) Perhaps a bad fan-fic?
Edgeworth: That’s the most likely thing, but it seems that I run into murderers a lot. I mean, I’ve seen them in my office, on an aeroplane, in two different embassies, in a courthouse and many more places.
Phoenix: I share your pain, Edgeworth. I share your pain….

(Soon, our sporkers are sat comfortably in Sporking Theatre No. 6.)

Phoenix: Hey, Edgeworth. Thanks for the lift.
Edgeworth: You’re welcome, Wright. It was the least I could do…
Maya: Nick?
Phoenix: Hm?
Maya: Why’s there a bottle of water in the drinks holders? I thought you had to buy them beforehand.
(sees Edgeworth’s chair) Hey, Mr. Edgeworth! You’ve got one too!
Edgeworth: (sees his bottle) Indeed, I have. This hasn’t happened before…has it?
Speakers: Someone suggested the idea to us, so we went through with it. That’s all.
Maya: So…if I suggested it…could you provide free burgers?!
Phoenix: *sigh* Maya….
Speakers: Sorry, no. We don’t do free food.
Maya: Aw! Pleeeeeeease?
Speakers: …We’ll think about it.
Maya: Yay! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Speakers: You’re welcome. Now, onto the fanfiction.

Phoenix is a jerk

Phoenix: Hey! I’m not loving this title….
Edgeworth: At least it doesn’t say, ‘Miles is a jerk’.
Phoenix: Come on, Edgeworth! What if it did say that?!
Edgeworth: ....I would start to dislike the author before the fanfiction had even begun.
Phoenix: Exactly!
Maya: Don’t worry, Nick. Just ignore it! It’s not that offensive to you, anyway…

This story is about phoenix wright, ace jerk and how he i a jerk.

Phoenix: …
Maya: I take that last comment back, Nick.
Edgeworth: OK, that’s enough with the word ‘jerk’. The author’s somehow missed out the ‘s’ in ‘is’, though.
Maya: That makes the last part, ‘i a jerk’. Ha! The author said they were a jerk! Just…with bad grammar.
Phoenix: You’re right! I feel better now.
Edgeworth: Good, because I think you’ll need to be in high spirits to survive this.

Chapter 1

Phoenix: Good luck to both of you.
Maya: Same here. You’ll need it!
Edgeworth: Oh, no-one can doubt that, Maya.

NOT GUILTY. The vedrict wrung out through the courthouse and gumshoe cheered and threw the confetti like in the back of the instructions for the game.

Maya: What’s a vedrict? A bad verdict?
Edgeworth: A bad-spelt verdict, evidently. In addition, I’ve also notice the author’s used a homophone for ‘rung’ that makes absolutely no sense in the sentence whatsoever.
Phoenix: And they’ve missed out a capital G in Gumshoe…
Maya: Poor Gumshoe! It’s as if he’s not important! At least he threw the confetti for us.
Edgeworth: Hang on….what ‘game’? If the author means a trial, they are gravely mistaken!
Trials bring the truth to light and pass judgement on the defendant! They condemn the guilty and-
Phoenix: Don’t get riled up too much about it, Edgeworth. Save it for later.

Ron delite was not a murderor but also he could not get guilty for being mask de mask even though he actually was because of double jeapordy.

Phoenix: Ron could be tried as MaskDeMasque! I mean, it’s not as if he’d have to quit being a thief.
Edgeworth: In a way, he would. He could be tried as MaskDeMasque, yes, but he couldn’t be a thief while in detention.
Phoenix: …
Maya: It’s OK, Nick! You should be used to Edgeworth proving you wrong by now.
Edgeworth: *smiles* Why, thank you, Maya..
Phoenix: Whose side are you on?!
Maya: I’m not taking sides! I was just telling the truth!
Edgeworth: *laughs* Wright, can we swap assistants for a day? I’m enjoying Maya’s company here.

(Suddenly, a drinks bottle lands on Edgeworth’s head.)

Edgeworth: OW! What was that?!
Phoenix: A water bottle. It looks like it has a note on it…
Maya: Let me read it, Nick! It says: ‘Mr Edgeworth! How can you say that?! I thought you enjoyed my company!’
Edgeworth: Oh, great… (shouts) I’m sorry, Kay! I didn’t mean it like that! It’s just- OW!
Maya: Another bottle….and another note! This one says: ‘OK, I forgive you. But NEVER switch me for someone else, alright?!
P.S: Sorry about your head.’

Phoenix: Who’s Kay?
Edgeworth: My assistant…*sigh* She’s known to come and go as she pleases.
Maya: Like a cat?
Edgeworth: Not really. On the contrary, much like a raven.
Maya: …Oh, wait! I know!
*clears throat* Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore…
Edgeworth: *beams* While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Phoenix: Let’s recite poems later, guys…

In the lobby phoenix realised this and got mad because he got a criminal off the hook and that had never happened before except with SPOILERS! that french dude with the hair who he actually didnt get off the hook but that wasn' t the point because he almost did.

Maya: Um…that French dude? With the hair?
Edgeworth: I think he means Matt Engarde, even though he’s not French. Most of the time we saw him you were being held hostage by De Killer.
Phoenix: That jerk! I really hate that guy. I should have got him a not guilty so that De Killer would have caught him, but he had to confess right there to save himself! I mean-
Edgeworth: Now, now. Don’t get riled up too much about it, Wright. Save it for later.
Phoenix: …Fine. But why did they put ‘SPOILERS’ in the middle of the sentence?
Maya: No clue, Nick! I wonder…
Edgeworth: Hey, Wright. I know why the author would think he was French, but why would they describe him as that French dude ‘with the hair’?
Phoenix: ….Oh, I remember now! Do you remember his weird hairstyle?
Edgeworth: Yes, and?
Phoenix: One day in the detention centre, I found something quite vital to the case about him. He flipped back his hair, took out a glass of wine and his personality changed dramatically. Basically, his entire ego skyrocketed. It was…quite a creepy experience.
Edgeworth: Oh.
Maya: *gasp* Personality-changing hair! I want that! Nick-
Phoenix: Your hairstyle’s strange enough, thank you very much.
Maya: Says the porcupine-head!
Edgeworth: That reminds me, Wright… On a visit to an embassy the ambassador gave me a few vouchers to use. One is for a haircut, if you wish to use it… *snicker*

Plus if ron got in jail right could loose his viginity to desiree who obviously wanted in his pants but was married.

All: …
Phoenix: N-now it gets weird….
Maya: Haha! You’re in love with Desiree, you’re in love with Desiree..
Edgeworth: And anyway, you can’t ‘loose’ your virginity, Wright. You can ‘lose’ it, though.
Phoenix: D-do you even care what it’s insinuating about me and Desiree?!
Maya: Nope!
Edgeworth: Not really, no.
Phoenix: …Anyway, author, it’s Wright. Like the flying brothers.
Edgeworth: Phoenix Right doesn’t suit you at all, though. Is your fic-me’s middle name, by any chance, Isneva? *snicker*
Phoenix: Edgeworth..!
Edgeworth: Sorry about that. *snicker*

He tok out his cell phoone and went on contacts details and clicked "De Killer"

Phoenix: Why the heck would I have De Killer’s number on my cell phone?
Maya: Your cell ‘phoone’, actually. I want a cell phoone!
Phoenix: They…don’t exist.
Maya: I can dream, Nick!
Edgeworth: I’m betting you have his number because one of you two wanted an ice-cream.
Phoenix: …
Maya: …
Phoenix: …What?
Edgeworth: N-never mind. Let’s carry on!

De Killer heard his iPhone busting out the english national anthem remixed with some sick beats and cool hooks and answered it like a british person would (AN: ik he isnt british but he hsa a monacle so he is in this) with his pinky stuck out like in that episode spongebob because that was his favourite briish cartoon and it haddavid Bowie in it one time.

Edgeworth: Not all English people stick out their little finger to do things! In fact, not many people do.
But that habit certainly did NOT come from Spongebob, which is an American TV show.
Maya: And you don’t have to wear a monocle to be British!
Phoenix: Conclusion: this author is certainly NOT British.
Maya and Edgeworth: Agreed.
Maya: Hey, Nick. What’s Briish?
Phoenix: Just a typo. But, Edgeworth, why did the author mention David Bowie?
Edgeworth: De Killer’s fic-self supposedly likes him, Wright.
Phoenix: Yeah, but it doesn’t make any difference to how De Killer holds his phone.
Edgeworth: Actually, you’re right. So that was pointless, then?
Maya: Yep!
Phoenix: Much like this entire chapter...

"Top o' the mronin to ya" said de killer

Edgeworth: It‘s ‘morning‘, author. Where did you go to school? ….Sorry, didn’t catch that.
Phoenix: That’s a bit…harsh.
Maya: *snicker*
Phoenix: Maya?
Maya: *bursts out laughing* Mr. Edgeworth, you are so funny today! How do you do that?
Edgeworth: Well, it’s just humour; nothing more or less. I save it for the right time and place.
Phoenix: I’m funny too! …Aren’t I?
Maya: Nick…I think the statute of limitations on your humour has run out.
Edgeworth: I disagree. I think it must have got the death sentence. *grins*
Phoenix: …

"Hi this is pheonix wright, i needd you to assassinate ron de lite cause hes a dirty thief and then i can marry his hot wife he winked"

Edgeworth: This one is so bad I’ll translate from Toddler to English for you. Sound good?
Maya: Yep! I can barely read that.
Edgeworth: It should say, ‘ “Hi, this is Phoenix Wright. I need you to assassinate Ron DeLite because he is a dirty thief and then I can marry his hot wife.” He winked.’
Maya: Oh, so that’s what it was supposed to say. Right!
Phoenix: Strange how the author can spell ‘assassinate’ but not ‘Phoenix’ or ‘morning‘, isn’t it?
Edgeworth: Yes. But how can you marry someone else’s wife?
Maya: Illegally, I think…
Edgeworth: As much as I hate to say it, that is the only way. *glares at Phoenix*
Phoenix: …Wait. This is my fic-me we’re talking about here! Not myself!
Maya: That’s because you’ve still got a crush on Iris, right? It’s probably why you get all nervous talking about other pretty girls…
Phoenix: *glares at Maya*
Maya: I was only joking, Nick. Only joking!

"ok but first we have to meett up because according to my testimony in case 4 i have to do that and donnt forget a hit costs like 20 dollars. And i cant seeyou winking you numpty (it means stupid person)" And he hung upp.

Edgeworth: You’re a numpty if you think it was relevant to put the definition in there. Why don’t people just use a dictionary?
Phoenix: Because people spend most of their money nowadays on video games, music, taxes and food, but not a lot on books. On the subject of money, though, $20 seems cheap for hiring a professional assassin.
Maya: Hey! I’d die for $20! And I know a certain detective who would, too…
Edgeworth: *turns away* I-I…Hmph.
Maya: Did I hurt your feelings…? I’m s-sorry! I didn’t-
Edgeworth: It’s OK. I need to give that man a raise soon, anyway.
Speakers: Mr. Edgeworth, because we are touched by your actions, we have a gift for you. Here.
(A packet of something drops onto Edgeworth’s head.)
Edgeworth: Ow! I’ve had just about enough with things falling on my head!
Phoenix: *snicker*
Speakers: We apologize to Mr. Edgeworth for possibly giving him concussion and advise him to eat a Swiss roll to make him feel better.
Maya: Two Swiss Cake Rolls! You are SO lucky, Mr. Edgeworth!
Edgeworth: How many years has it been since I’ve seen these…?
Phoenix: Knowing you, a long time.
Edgeworth: Maya, would you like one?
Maya: *gasp* Thank you! You’re awesome, Mr. Edgeworth!
Phoenix: Hey, I’m the one that always buys you burgers! Do I get a thank you?
Maya: Thanks, Nick!
Phoenix: …*sigh*

"Damnit where am i going to get 20 dollars!" screamed phoeni x throughout the courthouse but noone heard because it was night now and the cleaning guy was deaf.

Maya: No way! This is a shipping story?!
Edgeworth: No, unless you count Wright and Desiree.
Maya: But then why does it say Phoeni x Throughout? And who are they?
Phoenix: *head in hands* Maya, it’s a spelling mistake…
Maya: And how do you know that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Lawyer? For all you know they could be characters!
Phoenix: Well, they’re very strange-named characters, I’ll give them that.
Edgeworth: Says the man whose name is Phoenix Isneva Right…*bursts out laughing*
Maya: *bursts out laughing*
Phoenix: Right, I’ve had enough of this. As soon as this is over I’m out of here.
Edgeworth: Don’t you remember, Wright? I’m giving both of you a lift. *smiles*
Phoenix: …Great. Just great.

(The lights come on)

All: It’s finished already?!
Maya: Yay!
Edgeworth: Thank goodness for that.
Phoenix: Why do I have a bad feeling about this…?
Speakers: People, we have an offer to make you.
Phoenix: I knew something was off about this.
Speakers: You know you made a suggestion about having free food provided in here earlier?
Phoenix and Edgeworth: We…we did?
Maya: Yes we did, guys! Well, I did, but still!
Speakers: Well, we’ve decided to take you up on that offer…if you can survive until the latest chapter, which is Chapter No.5.
All: Chapter 5?!
Phoenix: I decline the offer! I mean….my character….the grammar…the spelling…ugh.
Maya: Come on, Nick! I’m really hungry!
Edgeworth: Sorry, Wright, but I’m a bit hungry too. *smiles*
Phoenix: ….Fine. I’ll do it.
Speakers: OK, we’ll start the second chapter after a quick break. You may as well drink that extra water you got- ahem- given by someone else too.
Edgeworth: Please don’t remind me of that. My head is still hurting…

Will the trio be able to withstand the second chapter? Will Phoenix Right- I mean, Wright- be teased any further by his fellow friends? Find out in the next part of the spork!

Thanks for reading the first part and I hope you all liked it! :edgy:
Please don't hate meeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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And now, the conclusion. Took us long enough to get to this point.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part XIII

*We open in the Sporking Theater*

Maya: I don't know why we're here. I'm pretty sure the story is gonna play out just as I predicted last time.

Kay: Well, either that's not the case, or the Management likes to watch us suffer.

Edgeworth: I find both theories to be equally plausible.

Phoenix: Let's just get this over with so that we don't ever have to speak of this contrived train wreck ever again.

Everyone else: Agreed.

Edgeworth: Epilogue? The last chapter didn't resolve anything except the capture of the kidnapper. An epilogue implies that there's more to the story even though it appears that there isn't. We already knew this chapter was coming.

Maya: And I still think I called it down the line. Mr. Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma are gonna kiss and make up, the end. Can we go now?

Phoenix: No matter how many times you say it, it's not that easy, Maya.
Miles Edgeworth was in his bed in his new home. He didn't feel nice at all, he was having a nightmare.

Kay: Whoa whoa, wait. Where are we?

Edgeworth: Judging by the third-person narrative, I'd say in a flashback. Why, however, is beyond my comprehension.

Phoenix: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that all of the flashbacks in this story are pointless. And yes, I'm including the one where Ms. von Karma was bullied, because that just gave the villain a nonsensical motivation.
"Dad," Miles said.

"Give me my air," a man said.
Miles shivered.

"Get away from my father," Miles yelled. Someone was poking him. Miles picked up the gun at his feet and.

Edgeworth: It seems your theory of all the flashbacks being pointless is correct, Wright. Also, that last period should be an ellipse.

Kay: Also, why turn the italics on and off? You don't do that, especially not in a dream sequence.
He felt a slap. Miles jerked up from his sleep. He looked around his room seeing no one in sight. He felt a tug on his clothes. He looked down. Two little eyes were looking at him.

Kay: Oh. That's why. Well, you still don't do that. And no one puts the dream sequence and reality on the same line.

Phoenix: Considering that this flashback should not exist, I think formatting is the least of this author's problems.
"Fr-Franziska?" he said turning on the light. Franziska remained quite. "What are you doing up so late?" Franziska climbed onto his bed. "Right you don't talk." Miles shook his head.

Phoenix: Oh great, a nonsensical conversation which is impossible to follow. It's been a while since we've seen that in action.

Edgeworth: Except this time it's even worse, because we have no indication as to who is saying what.
"So what are you doing here?" Franziska eyes watered. "Did you have a nightmare?" Franziska nodded. She dove into his arms. Miles didn't know what to do.

Maya: Whoa, time out! I thought it was Mr. Edgeworth that had the nightmare!

Edgeworth: There's probably more to this, Ms. Fey. It's not wise to jump to conclusions.

Phoenix: I could say something right now, but out of respect for you, I'm gonna keep this thought to myself.

Edgeworth: Much obliged, Wright. *bows*
"Um it's ok," Miles said confused. "You don't have to worry, whatever happened won't hurt you."

'It is a coincidence that she came in right when I needed to be woken up?' Miles asked himself. Franziska looked up to him.

"You ok?" he asked. She nodded. "Wanna stay here for the night?" She nodded again going under his covers.

'For a toddler she's pretty good at timing,' Miles thought before turning off his light and patting his little savior on the head.

Maya: Oh~. Now I get it.

Edgeworth: You see? It's always important to get all the facts first. *smug grin*

Phoenix: Again, no comment.

Kay: But that doesn't change the fact that this scene is pointless.
A Few years later

Kay: And I don't think the scene coming up is gonna serve a point, either.

Maya: Can we get to the part where they kiss and make up already? I've got stuff to do.

Phoenix: Like what?

Maya: Um, y'know. Master of Kurain stuff.

Phoenix: *gives Maya a look*

Maya: Okay, I was just planning on lounging around the office and enjoying the miso ramen I won from the bet last time.

Phoenix: Thought so.

Maya: *pouts* You're no fun, Nick.
"Miles Edgeworth," Franziska asked. Miles looked up from his homework.

"Hey you look better," he said pointing to her legs that were healing up nicely from yesterday.

"Thanks to you," she said smiling. "So do you really not believe in fairy tales?" Miles sighed.

"Logically no," he said. "I mean princesses and princes they exist. Likewise Kingdoms and royalty existed. But it's all in the past. Personally I like being able to vote better than being a prince."

Edgeworth: What any of that has to do with fairy tales, I have no idea.

Kay: The author apparently thinks that everyone speaks in random tangents.
"Well I like princesses," Franziska said. "Even if their fictional." She sat next to Edgeworth. "Reality sometimes sucks so that's what people turns to you know."

"Spoken like a 6 year old," Miles teased. Franziska slapped him. "Ok I deserved that one. But one thing is true they are very good at what they do." Franziska smiled at him. "Even though its all fiction." He smiled patting her on the head.

'Sometimes I hope you take after them instead of reality,' he thought.

Edgeworth: If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Homophones are not interchangeable!

Phoenix: Also, what kind of phoned-in philosophy is this? Author, I hate to break it to you, but your story's not deep enough to justify this. You're scuba diving in a shot glass here.

Kay: There you have it, folks! Mr. Wright is better at crafting metaphors than the author is!

Speakers: I'm not even going to bother at this point.

Maya: Kay, as Master of Kurain, I demand that you accompany us for every sporking from here on out just to get the Management off our backs.

Kay: Sorry. I'm gonna try not to make a habit of this. I wasn't even supposed to be here for this long.

Maya: Phooey.

Phoenix: Well, now that the pointless flashbacks are over and done with, what's next?

Maya: Mr. Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma kiss and make up, the end.

Phoenix: I don't think the author has the good sense to make it that simple, Maya.

Maya: Well, he/she should.
I stood in front of the hospital flowers in hand. Everyone was with me. With what happened last night I had a lot to think about. Most of all Franziska and what I felt about her.

Edgeworth: Show, Don't Tell. In a first-person story especially, that should be key. There are a lot of chances for good, deep introspection here.

Kay: But instead we get blind-sided by pointless flashbacks.

Phoenix: Aren't you going to comment on the poor sentence structure, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: It's nothing new at this point, Wright. Besides, I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Maya: You're preaching to the choir here, Mr. Edgeworth.
"She'll be fine," Phoenix said. "She just needed to stay the night." I nodded. Kay was getting off her phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Just making some calls," she said. She pulled Conner's shirt and marched into the hospital. We followed.

Kay: My word, this is dull. In fact, I haven't been this bored since I was trapped in a room with a potato.

Edgeworth: I won't bother to ask.

Maya: Well, at least you had something to eat.

Phoenix: Something tells me I don't want to know.

Kay: *pouts* Oh c'mon! None of you got the reference?

Maya: That was a reference?

Kay: *sighs* Never mind.
"She ready to see you," the nurse said at the front desk. She led us to Franziska's room.

We saw Franziska in her bed. Pearl ran up to her. Franziska patted her head as everyone else ran to her. I stumbled because I had something to tell her.

"Are you ok?" Kay asked as tears sprang in her eyes.

Kay: Apparently my tears are really bouncy. Neat.

Phoenix: But why cry now? There doesn't seem to be any reason to. Ms. von Karma hasn't even said anything.
"I'm fine Kay," Franziska said. "I dealt with worse." Wright, Maya, Pearl, and I nodded, remembering last year. Eventually everyone left. As I began to leave Franziska spoke up.

"Miles," she said. I turned to her. "I guess I forgive you. With the girl. I know it's not your fault." I smirked.

Maya: Finally! Now kiss and make up so that we can get out of here!
"Well I did deserve the anger. If I didn't let her in the office-"

"They probably would've found a different way," Franziska said.

"I guess."

Maya: *whining* Oh come on! Don't do this to us, author!

Edgeworth: If the author had even an inkling of how my character would react in that situation, it never would've happened. If I found out a woman was stalking me, the first thing I'd do is call the police.

Phoenix: How did she get into the Prosecutor's Office without anyone trying to stop her, anyway?

Kay: The world may never know.
"Miles," she started. "I'll admit I was hurt when I saw the kissing happening. But that was only because." She looked down.

"Because?" I asked guessing the answer. "Franziska it's ok to say it." I sat next to her.

"I-I love you," she quickly said. I kissed her on the head. "Miles!"

"I guess I feel the same way Franziska. It just took me a long while to figure it out." She kissed me on the lips. When our lips separated, I picked her off the bed carrying her outside.

"Miles," she said blushing. Everyone laughed. Kay closed her phone.

Maya: Yay! It's over! We're free to go!
"That's the last of them," she said.

"Last of who?" I asked everyone looked at Kay.

"The other boyfriends," she said. "I told them where to find the girls and they all went after their girls."

"That's wonderful," Iris said. Phoenix held her smiling. Iris smiled back Maya nodded.

Maya: No! Bad author! We don't care about anything else!

Phoenix: Yikes, Maya. You okay?

Maya: I-it was supposed to end with Mr. Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma kissing and making up. Why must the author torture us with this useless padding?

Phoenix: *comforts Maya* I know it's frustrating, Maya. Believe me, I truly sympathize. But from a literary standpoint, it makes sense for the author to tie up all loose ends like this.

Kay: In the epilogue, though?

Phoenix: Hush, you. *turns back to Maya* It'll all be over soon, I promise.

Edgeworth: For all of our sakes, I hope you are correct, Wright.

Kay: Nice dodge, Mr. Edgewroth.

Edgeworth: Dodge?

Kay: Never mind. A joke's not funny if you have to explain it.
"I guess you van never mess with true love," Maya said. Lang laughed.

Maya: He laughed because that statement made no sense?

Edgeworth: I doubt the author is that clever.
"Yeah if both sides know it's there," he said going along with the conversation.

"Speaking of true love," Pearls started. "Did you tell her mister Edgeworth?" I nodded. She gave shrieks of joy. Everyone else smiled.

Phoenix: Why did Pearls ask that? We were all in the same room, weren't we? She saw what happened.

Edgeworth: Also, I ask that you be quiet, Pearl Fey. This is a hospital, after all.
"That's great," Conner said.

"Kay," Franziska said. "Don't you have something to say?"

"Huh?" Kay said. "No I don't!" Conner raised an eyebrow.

"Kay," I said smirking.

Kay: Keep your shipping sights on Mr. Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma, author. I will not be roped into your little fantasy world.

Phoenix: The revised summery says that the other pairings are implied. I don't think the author knows what that word means.
"Fine. Conner you had a good plan." Conner nodded. "And you were good in the emergency," Kay finished.

"Thanks," he said blushing.

Kay: What?! No! Yumihiko did not have a good plan! It was just dumb luck that it worked! Heck, we don't even know what the plan was!

Phoenix: Or how this was considered an international incident. And no, I am not letting that go.
"Don't let it get to your head though," Kay said. "Just cause we got along doesn't mean I forgive you." Conner nodded though Kay did manage to laugh.

"Well this is just one big happy ending huh?" Phoenix said. I smiled.

"I guess it is," I said. Franziska leaned up and kissed me. "It really is."

"Yay lets go celebrate," Maya said pulling Pearl. "Burgers aren't going to eat themselves." We laughed leaving the hospital.

Maya: Nick...

Phoenix: Yes, we can have burgers at the end of this. My treat.

Maya: Yay!

Phoenix: *sighs* I hope my upcoming clients actually pay me this time around.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Mr. Phoenix Wright that...

Kay: Up bup bup! We don't care.

Speakers: *groans*

Maya: You sure you won't reconsider staying with us?

Kay: After this shlock? No way.

Maya: *sighs*
The more I thought about it the more I realized. Even though the fairytales are fictional and they don't make all that much sense at times they do have truth in them. Even if we don't realize it, happy endings always come out in the end.

I got the love of my life, and even though Sasha was out to ruin happy endings she just happened to be cupid making love to all the couples she tried to ruin. And no one knows that better than me and Franziska.

"Forever ever after."

Edgeworth: That, isn't even the correct phrase. It's "Happily ever after." The one strength you had in this story, and yet you mess up something as simple as this.

Phoenix: At least it's over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ The End! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maya: Yay! We're free! We're finally free!

Kay: Just for curiosity's sake, I wanna see what the author has to say about this mess.

Maya: Oh, alright. But let's make it quick. I've got some burgers to eat.
AN: There all done. Thanks for sticking with me though this fanfiction.

Phoenix: Mind you it wasn't our choice, but you're welcome all the same.
Gee when did I start like ten months ago. Wow didn't need to take that long.

Edgeworth: Agreed, albeit for different reasons.
Ah well it's done now.

Maya: And for that we're eternally grateful.
R&R and please have your own happy ending!

Kay: Oh, we will. Mine's gonna involve a Swiss Cake Roll and a long nap to forget about this garbage.

*the lights come on*

Phoenix: Well, we managed to survive the longest fic ever sporked here in the Sporking Theater. Not something I want to do again.

Edgeworth: Indeed. The writing somehow managed to get worse and worse as time went on. Usually the opposite is to be expected.

Kay: Hey, all aspiring authors and/or jerks who want us to suffer out there? Do us a favor and try not to beat this record. Our collective sanity will thank you.

Speakers: The Management...

Kay: *gives the speakers a look*

Speakers: *sighs* Never mind.

Kay: Better. *flashes a goofy grin* And that's my cue to skidoo! Laters!

*throws a smoke bomb and disappears*

Maya: I'm gonna miss her.

Edgeworth: She's here every time she wants to do something random.

Maya: I meant sporking with her.

Edgeworth: Ah. I see. Well, anything is possible, I suppose.

*And so, our sporkers finally put this contrived, poorly-written piece of literature to rest*
Some call me eccentric. I call myself creative.
My Fanfiction
My Fan Trial, Spirit's Turnabout
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

A Trustworthy Witness

Gender: Male

Location: Witness Stand

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:52 am

Posts: 23

Little Thief: Wow, it's finally over! Congratulations for sticking with that story all the way through to completion! I had some good laughs with the last one, especially with everyone not getting Kay's references. Nice job!

Phoenixflame: You have a stronger stomach than I do. I tried reading that fic but had to give up after the first two paragraphs. Such a huge, huge mess. I liked the spork though! Made the story tolerable!

I may have found a story worth sporking, but I don't know when I'll be able to post the first chapter. I'll try and get it up within the next couple of days!
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

A Trustworthy Witness

Gender: Male

Location: Witness Stand

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:52 am

Posts: 23

Alright, just finished the first chapter! Only twenty nine left to go... This should be interesting. Let's hit it!

Title: 12 Charms
Rating: :sawit: :sawit: :sawit: One for the various grammar errors throughout, one for the cliche and unrealistic plot, and one for the OC who is the center of the plot, is Trucy's best friend, and becomes Apollo's eventual girlfriend, among other things. So yeah, totally realistic character here.

Put your hands together for the Wright Anything Agency team:

The Fearsome Voice: Apollo Justice!
:think-think-think: (What's with the confetti and spotlights? I bet this was Trucy's idea...)

The Divine Magician: Trucy Wright!
:sillytrucy: Don't you like the new intro? I think it brings a little life into this theater!

And The Legendary Turnabout Master: Phoenix Wright!
:hobolaugh: Ah ha ha! How right you are, Trucy!

And now, the fun begins!

Episode 5: Charms, Magic, and Turnabout.

(The camera opens up inside the sporking theater once more, inside the main hall this time. Phoenix Wright, dressed in his casual outfit like always, is walking down the hall towards Theater #2. As he passes Theater #1, he stops and takes a brief look at the place where he's sporked so many stories.)

Phoenix: (So, this is the theater where I've had the "honor" of seeing myself appear in so many crazy stories... I wish I could say I've had some good memories of this place, but nothing is coming to mind right now. And the story given to me this morning doesn't seem like it'll get any better. Still, gotta keep on smiling like always. If not for my sake, then for Trucy's sake... And Apollo's too, I guess.)

(Shaking his head, Phoenix resumes his walk and heads inside Theater #2. As he walks in, he hears some loud voices. Heading towards the front, he sees Apollo and Trucy in the midst of an argument.)

Trucy: WHAT?! You mean you had both Mr. Gavin and Detective Crescend come in here for a story? Why didn't you tell me about this, Apollo?! Then I could have sneaked away from Daddy so I could give you some support!

Apollo: I told you, Trucy! There was no way I was going to get you involved with those criminals! It would have been far too dangerous!

Trucy: I'll have you know, I can take care of myself! I survived a kidnapping attempt from the mafia, you know!

Apollo: Yes, you survived the fearsome kidnapping of the terrible Mr. Hat. Which you organized yourself to buy me some time, you know!

Trucy: Hey! Leave Mr. Hat out of this-!

Phoenix: *AH-HEEEEEEEEEM!* (Ouch, that hurt! How does Mr. Grossberg do that on a daily basis?)

(Startled, Apollo and Trucy turn around and see Phoenix standing there, a familiar playful grin showing on his face.)

Phoenix: You know, shouting like that puts a severe strain on your vocal chords. We don't want you two losing your voices before the story even starts, do we?

Trucy: Daddy! You made it! (hugs Phoenix) Now the whole team is here and ready to go!

Apollo: Mr. Wright! I didn't know you were coming over here too. Are you in the story as well? I don't really know all the details. (What a surprise...)

Phoenix: Well, if I wasn't in the story... (pulls out the script from his pocket) ... then I wouldn't be holding this bad boy, would I?

Trucy: You have the script, Daddy? Have you read the story already?

Phoenix: That's right, Trucy! I just got it this morning! Let me tell you, this story has everything. A supernatural mystery with vague superpowers, an overload of characters that get minimal development, a protagonist that's the focus of the story and gets along with everyone... It's like every fanfiction cliche rolled up into one! You'll love it!

Apollo: Somehow, I doubt that... Wait a minute. Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: Yeah?

Apollo: You said you just got the story this morning?

Phoenix: Yep. Around nine or so.

Apollo: And when did you finish the story?

Phoenix: Right before I was dragged here by Interpol. Why?

Apollo: Oh, no reason. Although I guess I just want to know one tiny thing... (points his finger angrily at Phoenix) WHY DID YOU WASTE AN ENTIRE WORK DAY READING THIS TRIPE?!!

Phoenix: (shrugs) I was bored. What else was I supposed to do?

Apollo: (sweating) Oh, I don't know. Maybe try to find an actual client so I can actually do my real job?!

Trucy: Aw, don't look so upset, Polly! I'm sure we'll get another client for you to defend soon! Right now though, I want to see this story for myself!

Phoenix: Yeah, it's a real treat! Don't worry, Apollo. I promise, I'll find you a client after this story is over.

Apollo: ...*sigh* Fine. Might as well get this over with since we're already here...

(The team sits down in the front row. Phoenix has a seat on the end, Trucy is sitting to Phoenix's left, and Apollo is sitting on Trucy's left. Once they are comfortable, the lights dim and the title of today's story appears on the screen.)

12 Charms

Trucy: Wow, that's a lot of charms! There must be a lot of magic involved in this story! I hope my magic is represented well here!

Phoenix: Even if it isn't, it would still be the best I've ever seen Trucy! So don't be worried about how your character will act on screen!

Trucy: Aw, thanks Daddy! You always know how to put my mind at ease!

Phoenix: Ah ha ha! What can I say? I can be quite... charming!

Apollo: ...No. Just no. Never make that pun again. That was awful.

Phoenix: (grins) You're just jealous you didn't think of that pun first.

Apollo: ...(Darn it, I am.)

Summary: It all started out as a simple visit to Trucy's, until her charm bracelet unlocked a secret room in Phoenix's bedroom. Now on a quest to find the 12 charms to her bracelet, Micki, Trucy, Phoenix, Apollo, and others work to find them and prevent the power from falling into the wrong hands. But darker forces plan get in the way of achieving that goal and use the power for their own selfish needs. Minor ApolloxOC, minor Klema. Post AJ

Apollo: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with this plot?! A mysterious charm bracelet? Supernatural powers? Protecting McGuffins from an evil force? I thought we were lawyers, not superheroes!

Trucy: It does seem to be a little too much. Although... Daddy, do you have a secret room in your bedroom? Because I tried to get Polly to show me his secret cave, but he just yelled at me!

Apollo: For the last time, I don't have a secret cave!

Phoenix: Now, now, no need to shout. And sorry to disappoint you Trucy, but there are no secret rooms in the agency. It's just your typical, everyday home.

Trucy: Awww...

Chapter 1

A Friendly Visit

I stood there outside Room 2-D. The kids were buzzing back and forth from homeroom to their lockers and then ran straight to the front doors of the school. I banged the back of my head against the wall. The only reason I was still here in this deathtrap was because of Trucy. I was going over to the agency with her, so I was walking.

Apollo: Another new character who happens to be best friends with Trucy? This brings back memories... Horrible, horrible memories...

Phoenix: Now Trucy, you should know by now to inform me of any new friends you've made at school. After all, it's my job as Daddy to make sure these friends have your best interest at heart...

Trucy: I-I know that, Daddy! But I've never met this... this... whoever this person is before! And I would always remember who my friends are, since we're always on the move...

Phoenix: (smiles) I know, sweetie. I'm just teasing you a bit. Still, it's something worth remembering about...

Apollo: (Yikes. Seeing Mr. Wright's protective side always sends a bit of a chill down my spine. I feel bad for the poor guys that'll crush on Trucy...)

"Trucy, are you done yet?" I shouted.

"Just about!" she shouted back.

Phoenix: (grins) You're shouting in class now? I thought I raised you to have better manners than that!

Trucy: Daddy! You know I'm better behaved than that! I'd be mortified if I ever showed such disrespect to any of my teachers!

Apollo: You know, if this person really is your friend, I would think he or she would know better than to shout at you while you were still in class. Otherwise, you both would get into trouble.

Trucy walked out of the classroom. She was in the same outfit everyday: her magician's outfit. I mostly wore jeans and a graphic tee with high-tops. I also wore black fingerless gloves and a knitted teal newsboy (or girl?) cap (Or is it a beanie visor? Whatever it is, I wear it). We walked down the river of kids rushing back and forth between lockers, occasionally bumping into one of the children.

Apollo: (sweating) You don't even know what you're wearing? If you can't be trusted to describe your very own clothes, how can we possibly trust you to describe the plot?!

Trucy: Not to mention, do we know if my friend is a boy or girl? Cause I don't think I've seen this person say anything that points toward his or her gender...

Phoenix: Well, if the summary is anything to go by, I think this friend of yours is a girl. Although the author really should have established her gender in the story proper so we wouldn't be confused like this.

"What took so long?" I asked.

"Ugh, Mr. Roberts wanted to talk to me about some test," Trucy replied.

"Did you fail?"

"No I passed. Apparently I got the highest grade in the class."

"So why did she need to talk to you?"

"I have no clue. I drowned out most of her speech."

Trucy: (beaming) Did you hear that, Daddy? I got the highest grade in the class!

Phoenix: Great job, Trucy! I knew you could do it!

Apollo: (Yeah, I knew you could get the highest grade on a fictional test in a fictional classroom...)

I chuckled. Ms Roberts is the most boring teacher in the school. Everyone drowns out her lectures. Even the smartest kids in the grade have trouble paying attention to her lectures. She also has such low expectations of us, saying how we know nothing and that we're much more ignorant than students of her day and age, which was probably the 40s or something. I swear, she must be in her 80s or 90s by now (Hasn't she heard of retirement?). She treats Trucy and I like crap, since she always catches us passing notes during her lectures. I mean, English is all right and everything, but she makes it the most BORING SUBJECT ON EARTH!

Apollo: ...Okay, does everyone else see the problems with this paragraph, or is it just me?

Trucy: Well, there's a bunch of sentences crammed together that makes it hard to read the paragraph in one sitting. Maybe she should break it into two separate paragraphs to make it easier?

Phoenix: She's also way too harsh on this Ms. Roberts. I've had my fair share of less than stellar teachers, but I still showed them proper respect. They have a tough job, after all!

Apollo: And then, of course, there's the fact that when the author expresses her emotions, SHE DOES SO IN ALL CAPS! BECAUSE THAT'S HOW A REAL AUTHOR SHOWS ANGER AND FRUSTRATION TO THE AUDIENCE!

Phoenix: Oh really? That sure sounds like someone else I know.

Apollo: Oh ha ha...

We walked down the busy streets of Los Angeles. People were rushing back and forth between buildings and jobs. I wads windy that day, so my raven-black hair often whipped into my face. After about 10 minutes, Trucy and I reached the agency. She tried to open the door, but it was locked. She knocked and banged hard on the door.

"Daddy, Apollo, it's me!" Trucy yelled. "Open up!"

Trucy: "Wads windy?" Were wads of bubblegum blowing in the wind that day? I hope not. I'd never get that stuff out of my hair...

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure that's just a typo, Trucy. I'm more concerned about something else, though. Namely, you taking a friend I've never heard before into the agency by yourself...

Trucy: D-Daddy! You know I'm more careful with my friends than that! I always make sure to ask you for permission if I want any friends over!

Apollo: (Hmm, I've never actually seen any of Trucy's friends before. I wonder just kind of people she likes to hang out with...)

Trucy began to kick the door. I noticed a nice potted Japanese iris by the door. An envelope labeled "Trucy" laid against the plant.

"Hey," I said, "there's something here for you."

Phoenix: (grins) This is how you react whenever you find our door locked? I wondered what those scuff marks at the bottom were from...

Trucy: Hey! I've never tried to kick the door down before! ...Okay, I did once, but that was because I was really hungry and tired from a long day at school!

Apollo: Wait, there's an iris plant by the door? Funny, I never recalled there being a plant like that there before...

Phoenix: ...! An... Iris? (Oh, I see what the author did there. Clever girl...)

Trucy: Something wrong, Daddy? Does that plant mean anything to you?

Phoenix: ...I wouldn't worry about it, Trucy. It just brings back memories. Old, bittersweet memories.

Apollo: (Curse him and his mysterious enticing answers...)

Trucy turned around and looked at me funny. I pointed to the envelope in the iris. She picked up the envelope and tore open the seal.

"Dear Trucy,

Mr. Wright is out and I have a trial today. There's a key in the plant next to the door. See you later.

Apollo," Trucy read off the letter. Trucy turned her attention toward a shiny object in the soil of the ceramic pot. "Damn, couldn't he just put it in the envelope?"

Trucy: (gasps) Wha-?! D-Did I just... say a bad word?!

Apollo: T-That's just wrong! Trucy and curse words shouldn't even be mentioned in the same country, much less the same sentence!

Trucy: I-I'm sorry, Daddy! I didn't mean to say that! The story made me say it!

Phoenix: (laughs) Ah ha ha ha ha! Calm down, Trucy! I know you didn't mean to curse out loud. You're much too sweet to even think about saying something bad!

Trucy: Whew, that's a relief! I'm glad you're not upset!

Phoenix: That being said... (pulls out a jar with several quarters in it) I'm afraid you still have to put a quarter in the swear jar. Technically, you did say it, even if it was your story counterpart that said one of the thirteen forbidden words.

Trucy: W-What?! B-But...! ...Awww, man! (reluctantly puts a quarter in the jar.) I blame you for this, author! Don't have me curse at all next time!

Apollo: Er, Mr. Wright? If you don't mind me asking, what are the other quarters in the swear jar from?

Phoenix: Oh, that? I stubbed my toe on the table in front of Trucy one day. I had to place quite a few quarters in the jar from that.

Apollo: (Should have guessed...)

I shrugged my shoulders as Trucy inserted the key into the lock. She twisted it and the door clicked open. We entered the messy entrance room.

"Wanna head to my room?" suggested Trucy, oblivious to the mess.

"Sure," I replied.

Apollo: You know, you really should make more of an effort to clean up the place, Mr. Wright. Leaving the agency in a bad mess just makes us look incompetent and untrustworthy to our clients!

Phoenix: You know, you're absolutely right Apollo. I'll make sure you clean up the agency starting tomorrow.

Apollo: Thank you very- wait, WHAT?! Why do I have to clean it up?! It's YOUR building!

Phoenix: That's right. It's my building, which means I'm the boss. And as your boss, I'm giving you the task of making our agency look the best it can be for our valued clients!

Apollo: Ugh, you just had to play that card, didn't you? Could you at least chip in more than you did last time?

Phoenix: I helped out plenty last time!

Apollo: (Yeah, by cleaning the same toilet over and over again. I'm sure our clients greatly appreciated that...)

We walked to a door off the side of the room and climbed a flight of stairs. Trucy had explained to me before that she and her father lived in a flat above the agency. Luckily, her room was quite clean, but her walls were covered in posters of the Gavinners. I didn't want to go into her father's room after seeing the entrance. I plopped my bag onto the floor and Trucy and I got started on our homework.

Phoenix: I see my allowance didn't go to waste. You like those posters, Trucy?

Trucy: I love them! Mr. Gavin looks so cool in those posters! I'm thinking about getting a poster with just him on it when I get my next allowance in fifteen years!

Phoenix: (chuckles) Glad to hear it! I'm also glad to see you and your friend doing your homework right away. I wouldn't expect any less from the smartest girl in the class!

"Hey, what's you get for number 14 on the literature?" asked Trucy.

"William Shakespeare," I answered.

"Oh, right!"

Apollo: ...Though apparently not as smart as the OC here. Sounds about right.

Trucy: That's weird. And I just scored the highest on the English test too! Shouldn't this question be right up my alley?

Phoenix: Ah, but you're forgetting the most important rule of fanfiction: However smart you may be, you're never smarter than the author or the character that represents the author.

Trucy: (pouts) I don't think I like that rule...

I smacked my hand on my forehead. Then I heard the front door close.

"Trucy? Are you home?" shouted a male's voice.

"Yeah dad!" She shouted down. "Stay up here. He doesn't know I invited you."

Phoenix: (raises an eyebrow) Oh really? I must say, Trucy, you're really quite the rebel in this chapter!

Trucy: T-That's just an exaggeration! I'm not acting that bad!

Apollo:(grins) I dunno. I mean, first you're shouting while class is in session...

Phoenix: Then, you're insulting the teacher behind her back...

Apollo: Cursing up a storm while trying to kick down your door...

Phoenix: And finally, inviting someone we've never heard of before in our house without my permission. Who knew you could be such a troublemaker?

Trucy: (blushing) T-This is all circumstantial! Y-You're making it sound worse than it really is!

Phoenix: Oh, we know. But it sure is funny seeing the look on your face, Trucy-doll!

Trucy: Ugh, now I think I know how Polly feels all the time....

Apollo: Not a nice feeling, is it?

I nodded my head. When Trucy ran out of the room, I put my ear to the door.

"Hi daddy!" I heard Trucy say.

"Hey Trucy-doll," her father greeted. "How was school?"

"The usual."

"Nothing new?"

"Nothing at all."

That sounded like too fast of a response.

Trucy: Really? I don't think I said that fast. I guess time is relative in fan fiction, huh?

Apollo: Especially when it's poorly defined in the story. I mean, there's no indication given that anything is off with that response other than what the mystery friend said.

"Are you sure? It sounds like you're lying to me."

"What makes you think that?"

"You're answering my questions faster than usual."

Apollo: (rolls his eyes) But of course, she turns out to be correct. After all, when is the original character ever wrong?

Phoenix: I think "never" is a good answer to that question. Still, I'd like to think I'd have seen through any possible lies without the prompt by the author. I have my own ways of finding out who's lying, after all.

Apollo: You do? How so?

Phoenix: (puts his hands in his pocket) Oh, you'll see soon enough...

Apollo: ...(Fine. Act all mysterious and foreboding. See if I care...)

"Come one, Dad. I can easily tell when someone's lying. Why would I lie if I'm supposed to catch liars?"

"Alright, so you wouldn't mind if I took a look around your room?"

Oh God!


"You know, you would get in less trouble if you would tell me the truth."

"I'm not lying!"

Phoenix: I'd suggest giving up the act at this point, Trucy. After all, it's just bringing a friend home to do homework. I wouldn't be too harsh on you. Much.

Trucy: I wouldn't have to lie because I would just be honest with you upfront, Daddy! I mean, it doesn't matter to me where I do my homework! I don't know why I had to keep this a secret since it's something so minor!

Apollo: Clearly, it's to get the author over to the agency for some reason. Some poor, contrived, poorly explained reason, I bet...

I opened the door as quickly and quietly as possible. I walked swiftly and silently down the hallway to the next room and into what I believed what was Trucy's dad's room. Just like I thought it was before, his room was a huge mess. I pressed my ear against the wall. I heard Trucy's door click open and footsteps walk into the room. I heard thumping and clanking from her dad looking around the room.

Trucy: Daddy! I thought you said you cleaned your room yesterday!

Phoenix: (embarrassed) I, uh, may have exaggerated that claim a little bit. I may have only cleaned the toilet in my bathroom. Maybe.

Trucy: I know you like to clean the toilet, but you really should apply that discipline to the rest of your room too!

Phoenix: I will, I will. It's important to get the toilets cleaned first though! Remember, a clean and tidy toilet...

Trucy: ...leads to a clean and tidy defense in court. I know how the saying goes, Daddy!

Apollo: (For the life of me, I will never understand this family...)

"I guess you weren't lying," her dad said.


"Sorry 'bout that. I need to go get something from my room and then I'll take you over to the Wonder Bar for your show."

Oh yeah, the universe loves to screw around with me today!

Apollo: Just one day? Please. That's been the story of my life.

Phoenix: Same here. Different story, same outcome...

Trucy: Aw, you two shouldn't be complaining! At least you two have one constant ray of sunshine every day in your life!

Apollo: And what exactly is that ray of sunshine?

Trucy: Do you even need to ask?! It's none other than yours truly! (pulls out Mr. Hat from out of nowhere.)

Mr. Hat: And don't forget about my charming smile! Ho ho ho!

Phoenix: (laughs) Ah ha ha ha! You're absolutely right! You've always been a shining light to me, Trucy-doll! And of course, the same goes to you, Mr. Hat!

Apollo: (Well, Trucy is definitely made of sweet dreams. Although I would personally classify Mr. Hat as a living nightmare...)

I jumped under the bed and curled myself in a ball on my side. I held my breath, not out of fear alone, but the bed was surround by dirty clothes and it STANK!

When does this guy wash his clothes?

Phoenix: What is this "wash" you're talking about? It sounds so foreign to me...

Apollo: (Please tell me he's joking... Please, please tell me he's joking...)

heard the father walk into the room and grabbed something. Before he left, I though I faintly heard him say, "I wonder what those Psyche Locks over Trucy were for."

What the hell is a Psyche Lock?

Apollo: That's... actually a good question. What is a Psyche Lock, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: (grins) Oh, just a lock on people's hearts I see whenever someone lies to me. I can see them thanks to a gift I received from a spirit medium when I first started my career. We've been best friends since then.

Apollo: ...Okay, I get it. You don't want to talk about it. You didn't have to make up such a crazy story to deflect the question, you know...

Phoenix: (Heh, nothing like telling the truth to get out of awkward questions like that...)

As soon as I heard the door to the room shut, I jumped out from under bed and held my ear to the door.

"Alright, Trucy, let's go."

"'Kay dad."

I heard the door in the front open and close. I stepped out of the room.

"Grazie a Dio," I said out loud with a sigh of relief.

Trucy: "Grasee a dee-o?" What on earth does that mean?

Phoenix: It's pronounced, "Grazie a Dio," Trucy-doll. It's Italian for "Thank God." I guess your friend is from Italy? At least we know a little bit about this friend of yours now!

Apollo: And it only took us till the end of the first chapter to do so...

Trucy: I knew I should have taken Italian for my foreign language class! I bet it would be more useful than that German class I'm taking now!

I ran back into Trucy's room and texted her.

"Good luck with your show! Don't worry about me; I was in your dad's room. Again, good luck :)"

Phoenix: And as I happened to look down and see that text, I immediately walked back to her room, busted our mystery friend, and grounded them both for the rest of their lives. (smiles) The end!

Trucy: Whoa, whoa! Not the end! Not the end! I object!

Apollo: Ugh, if there's one thing I despise seeing, it's text speak in stories. I don't mind if you use emoticons in your own texts, but please keep them out of literature!

I put my phone in my pocket and fell back onto Trucy's bed. I heard the door open again. Fearing they had come back, I shut the door quietly and listened. All I heard was tired footsteps and someone slumping on the couch. I assumed it was Apollo. I stood there for about ten minutes. I opened the door quietly and tip toed down the stairs. I saw who I thought was Apollo had fallen asleep on the couch. I moved towards him, noticing the room was a lot cleaner than before. I looked at him.

Phoenix: See, Apollo? You're already helping out by cleaning the agency! You should be more willing to help out in real life!

Apollo: I only clean because I need a place to work or rest at! If you need someone bad enough to clean the place, why don't you just hire another lawyer and have them do your dirty work?!

Phoenix: ...Actually, that's not a bad idea. I just received an application the other day from some girl. Artemis, was it? Maybe I'll hire her and have her keep the place tidy.

Apollo: (Is he serious? If he is going to hire her, I better make sure to befriend her before they do. I don't need three people ganging up on me in the agency...)

Trucy: I wonder why my friend seems fixated on Polly. Hmm, do you think she's going to fall for Polly too? That'd be just like my (y/n) friend from so long ago!

Phoenix: Aw, isn't that sweet! Love at first sight...

Apollo: C-Cut it out, you two! She's like, 15! I don't have any intention breaking the law by dating someone under the age of 18! I'm sure the author here is well aware of that fact and will make sure it doesn't happen!

Wow, this Apollo guy's pretty cute. I wonder what he's like. Wait, why am I thinking this?

Then he woke up.

Apollo: ...

Phoenix: Looks like you were wrong. Tough break there, Apollo!

Trucy: Don't be too upset, Polly! She's one of my friends after all, so I'm sure she's not so bad once you get to know her!

Apollo: (I hate my life...)

(The lights come back on.)

Trucy: It's over already? Wow, that just flew by!

Apollo: Funny. And here I thought it dragged on for far too long.

Phoenix: Well, for an introductory chapter, it wasn't too bad. Still, you should see the later chapters here. That's when the fun really begins...

Trucy: Really? How many chapters are there in this story, Daddy?

Phoenix: Oh, about thirty or so.

Apollo: T-THIRTY?! And we're expected to sit through every single chapter?!

Phoenix: We sure are! Aren't you excited, Apollo?

Apollo: Oh, thrilled. Who wouldn't be excited at seeing their own character get set up with an underaged teenage girl for thirty chapters in a row?

Trucy: See, Polly? I told you it wouldn't be so bad once you got to know her!

Apollo: (Apparently, the Gramarye blood doesn't come with a sarcasm detector...)

Phoenix: Anyway, let's head back to the agency. And if you think this story sounds bad, let me tell you about the time I had to spork a story about kidnappings loosely centered around fairy tales...

(And with that, Phoenix leads Apollo and Trucy out of the theater, their eyes wide as he goes into detail the story he sporked. Meanwhile, they were blissfully unaware of just how crazy the story they were reading would soon become...)

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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I just want to pop in here to ask if anybody happens to have Phoenix's Turnabout saved. You know the one with Hulk Hogan and the meat pistol and the alien dolphin? I can only find the first two chapters of it on the old thread and I'm crying because it was the best piece of literature to ever grace my eyeballs and I want to read it in its entirety once more. Internet archives didn't save it :larry:
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