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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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I'll probably leave the Undertale one for someone else. I'm not too familiar with the game.
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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Avatars are for less anxious people.

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Okay, I'll just look forward to the Sonic one.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Can I do that sporking? Or is it taken?
Available in small, medium, large, and jumbo size for special occasions.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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WhatTheWhat wrote:

Can I do that sporking? Or is it taken?

The Undertale one? Or Turnabout Egg? AFAIK they're both free, so go ahead.
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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Hello! Hello! *squawk*

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ArrowLawn wrote:
We got new material! ... nabout-egg
That name look familiar? :V

I wouldn't mind doing this fic for my first sporking, unless somebody else wants it.

WhatTheWhat wrote:

Can I do that sporking? Or is it taken?

Not sure if you're talking about Turnabout Egg or the Undertale fic. But like I said above, if you want Turnabout Egg, go right ahead.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

My speech is liberated; I say what I say

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I want it but, if it's going to be your first sporking and you want it, take it. I'll live.

Where the hell is everyone?
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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Christmas vacation.

But in my defense, I've been getting my blog project stuff back on track and being distracted by Undertale and Smash so I haven't gotten around to the next Hellspawn or whatever it'll be. I'll definitely have time some time before New Year's, though, so we'll see how things go.
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Hello! Hello! *squawk*

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WhatTheWhat wrote:
I want it but, if it's going to be your first sporking and you want it, take it. I'll live.

Where the hell is everyone?

Go right ahead, you can have it. I just wanted to make sure I didn't start one somebody else was going to do. There are other fics I was thinking of anyway.
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I apologize for the delay, but some things came up that I couldn't get out of. Better late than never, right?

Title- Shattered Psyche
Rating- :sahwit: :sahwit:
This fic is, well… unrealistic. But it certainly could've been worse. This one seemed fun to spork and I also needed practice writing Franziska. The fic isn't really a Christmas fic, but rather takes place at Christmas. So yes, there were some other fics I could've chosen, but six or seven of them were rehashes of the Christmas Carol with Edgeworth and one with Franziska. Since Pessimistic already sporked one, I decided not to touch any of them. I figured this one would be more interesting.
Now, let's begin!
Today's sporkers are…
Miles Edgeworth!
:edgeworth: "…I should've known this long break wouldn't last."
Maya Fey!
:maya: "Ooh Nick, look! Tinsel! A-And gingerbread cookies!"
Phoenix Wright!
:nick: "As long as there aren't any mistletoe around…"
and… Franziska von Karma!
:franny: "Any mistletoe around and the management will be looking forward to a mouthful of whip for Christmas."

[The sporking theatre is decked out in full Christmas attire. A Christmas tree is in the corner, lights flickering and presents under a tree. Stockings are hung along a wall with a table full of goodies right underneath, and a fake Santa with some of his elves are occupying a few seats in the back. Lastly, there is literal snow on the floor. Sadly, there is no mistletoe.]

Franziska: Thank goodness.

Speakers: The management will keep that in mind for next time. Thanks for the suggestion!


Phoenix: A-Agh! W-What was that for!?

Franziska: You're the one who brought up the mistletoe in the first place, Phoenix Wright!

Phoenix: …R-Right. I'm honestly more concerned w-with how cold it is in here right now.

Maya: Aw Nick, it's not too bad! Look, there's even hot chocolate to keep us warm!

[Phoenix eagerly goes to the table and grabs a mug of hot chocolate while Edgeworth and Franziska take their seats.]

Edgeworth: Hmm, it seems that the presents under the tree have our names on them.

Franziska: Hah. How old do they think we are? I see that Maya Fey has the biggest present of all.

[Phoenix and Maya return from the snack table. Maya has a big stack of gingerbread men and Christmas tree brownies piled high on a plate. She nearly drops her snacks at the mention of presents.]

Maya: Presents? For me? Ooh, can we open them now? I want to open them now!

Speakers: You all have to wait until after the sporking. If you try to peek, then we'll keep your present. We're talking to you, Maya.

Maya: Aww...

Speakers: Now, let's get started!

Shattered Psyche
By: Lamia of the Dark

Franziska: What a foolish name.

Maya: I dunno, maybe it kind of fits?

Phoenix: …I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about reading a Christmas fic written by someone "of the dark."

Edgeworth: I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel about a Christmas story titled "Shattered Psyche."

Maya: Maybe it's a fic about us breaking psyche-locks?

Phoenix: I doubt it, Maya.

DISCLAIMER: Phoenix Wright belongs to Capcom and is being used here without permission.

- Shattered Psyche -

6:37 a.m., December 23, Manfred von Karma's office

Edgeworth: Nngh! This isn't how a Christmas story should start!

Maya: But Mr. Edgeworth, it's not Christmas yet! Look, it's only December 23rd.

Franziska: …What do you mean by that, little brother? Did you not like spending time in my papa's office?

Edgeworth: N-Not for Christmas, no.

Edgeworth stands in the doorway.

"Franziska's coming for Christmas," he says in a bored tone. "And to gloat over her latest victories in person, no doubt."

Franziska: Hmph. I'm sure I would chastise you for your imperfect record instead.

Phoenix: (Knowing Franziska, she'd probably do both.)

Franziska: I see what you're thinking, Phoenix Wright. It's written all over your foolish face.

Phoenix: (She… didn't whip me?)

Franziska: Don't count yourself lucky.

9:45 p.m., Christmas Eve, von Karma house, guest room

Maya: That's it!? What was the point of that scene?

Edgeworth: I believe it was to tell us that Franziska is coming for Christmas. Although, they could've told us that in a more relevant scene.

Phoenix: Or they could've just made the scene longer and more interesting.

Maya: Yeah! I mean, the first line was "Edgeworth stands in the doorway." Boring!

She is sitting at the desk, reading, oblivious to the presence of another person in the room.

"Merry Christmas, Franziska."

She looks up.


Phoenix: What fantastic sound effects!

Maya: Well, that's kind of how they are in the games.

Speakers: The management would like to remind Maya Fey that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited. Seriously, do you want us to take away your present?

Maya: N-No! I'll be good, I promise!

Phoenix: (…The day we beg to the management. What have we come to?)

Franziska: You fools are forgetting about the most important thing here! Wasn't I just shot?

Maya: Dunno. Probably. If you're killed, I bet it's Mr. Edgeworth. I sensed animosity when he spoke to Mr. von Karma earlier.

Phoenix: …Do you want to take that bet?

Maya: You're on, Nick!

The chair falls over backward, leaving her body lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. There is blood everywhere.

Edgeworth: Well, I suppose that answers that question.

Franziska: Grr…! *pulls whip taut* Who would dare to murder me!? My papa will find them guilty in court!

Phoenix: Well, uh, on the bright side, you're not in this fic anymore!

Franziska: Hmph, you're right. Perhaps I can relax and enjoy watching my murderer's punishment. *puts whip to the side* Maya Fey, hand me a cookie.

Maya: Uh, sure…

10:30 p.m., Christmas Eve, von Karma house

Manfred discovers Franziska's body, calls the police, and is promptly arrested for her murder.

Phoenix: We're already onto a new scene?

Franziska: And papa was arrested for my murder? That's preposterous! Whoever decided to arrest him should be fired!

Edgeworth: I'm assuming that I'm going to be the prosecutor...

10:45 p.m., unknown location, Christmas party

Maya: Why are these scenes so short!? Is the whole fic in two sentence scenes?

Edgeworth: I sure hope not. If it was, I believe the management would've given this more than two Sahwits.

Edgeworth's cell phone rings at almost the exact same instant as Phoenix Wright's.

Phoenix: Are we both at a Christmas party? Why would I go to a Christmas party in an unknown location? Sounds pretty creepy to me...

Edgeworth: Honestly Wright, I can imagine seeing you go to such a thing in the middle of nowhere of which you know nothing about.

Phoenix: H-Hey!

Edgeworth: Nevertheless, a better question to ask is why I would bother going to a Christmas party at all.

Maya: Ooh, I know! You really are the killer and you're going to a party to make yourself look less suspicious!

Phoenix: If anything, I think that would make him look more suspicious…

Both calls are about the same case. Both men agree to take it on.

Phoenix: Wait a minute, I'm a private law firm! Because of that, I shouldn't get the call at the same time as Edgeworth. Also, I normally wouldn't agree to take on a case unless I've met the defendant beforehand.

Franziska: That's unimportant! Miles Edgeworth! Why would you agree to prosecute papa's case? After all he's done for you!

Edgeworth: Well, this is only fic-me… (And that didn't stop him from prosecuting my trial...)

11:50 p.m., Christmas Eve, Gourd Lake

Maya: *sips hot chocolate* Cookies, Nick?

Phoenix: Sure. Thanks, Maya.

Maya: How 'bout you, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: No, thank you.

A murder is taking place. It is of little consequence. The victim is Robert Hammond. The only suspect is Yanni Yogi, who (despite Winston Payne's incompetence as a prosecutor) will be convicted at his trial.

Phoenix: *shoves cookie in mouth* I'd like to see that happen.

10:00 a.m., Christmas, Manfred's Trial

Maya: I sure hope his trial is more than three sentences long.

Phoenix: Maybe the three sentences will be equivalent to the three minutes that von Karma wanted Edgeworth's trial to last.

Maya: Yeah, then he'd get a taste of his own medicine!


Phoenix: Yowch!

The judge seems duly surprised that Edgeworth is prosecuting his own mentor's trial. Somehow, Phoenix is not surprised.

He knows this isn't going to be easy. There weren't any witnesses at the scene so after the evidence is introduced, the only person Edgeworth will be able to call to the stand is Manfred himself. Phoenix already knows that Manfred's alibi won't hold up in court, because he has no proof of where he was between the time he left the Prosecutor's Office that night and the time he called the police.

Franziska: My papa would never hire such a third-rate and foolishly foolish defense attorney!

Phoenix: And I would never defe… *glances at Franziska* Uh, wow, looks like I'm out of hot chocolate! I'd better go get some more!

Speakers: Sit down.

Phoenix: Y-Yes sir…

Phoenix is relying on a risky strategy.

Edgeworth: That's not surprising.

Maya: Yeah, but is there anything Nick hasn't done?

Franziska: There's always something new with the man. What's worse is that he's using such a risky move with my papa's defense!

Phoenix: Uh, well, no risk no glory?

Edgeworth: I believe the phrase is "no risk, no reward."

[Phoenix tries to find something wrong with the detective's testimony, but ends up only confirming that the weapon belonged to Manfred and that he had the opportunity to commit the murder.]

Franziska: Of course it's the one time that Scruffy doesn't mess up his testimony.

Edgeworth: In that case, it's probably a different detective.

Manfred is glaring at Phoenix as the detective leaves the stand. Phoenix glances nervously at his client. Yes, Edgeworth has him on the fence here. But Phoenix has an ace in the hole. Of course, it all depends on Maya…

Maya: On me? Aw, Nick~! I finally get to help in a trial!

Phoenix: You're always helpful during a trial. (OK… most of the time.)

Maya: Oh, that's right! But this time it depends on me.

Phoenix: (Yikes!)

"As there were no witnesses to the crime, the prosecution now calls the accused, Manfred von Karma, to the stand."

Now's the time to raise an objection. Phoenix slams his hands on his desk, then points his finger (in that special way he has of doing just that) and shouts "OBJECTION!"

Everyone in the courtroom turns to look at him.

"The defense requests to hear the testimony of the victim herself!"


Franziska: What kind of foolishly foolish farce is this!? I will not stand for such foolishness in the court room!

Phoenix: I… I have a bad feeling about this…

"The victim…?" The judge asks faintly. He is clearly confused. "Mr. Wright this is a murder trial."

"I know that," Phoenix replies, with a cocky grin. "But I just so happen to have a spirit medium with me…"

Edgeworth: Hmph, how ridiculous. No court of law should allow such a person to testify. Besides, they should know what happened in the past.

Phoenix & Maya: …

"This is highly irregular," the judge says. "But if the prosecution has no objection to this…"

Phoenix hasn't learned much about the DL-6 incident at this point in time and doesn't know about Edgeworth's feelings on spirit mediums. (Namely, that he thinks they're all phony.) Even so, he's not that surprised when he hears Edgeworth say, "I have no objection, but the prosecution refuses to acknowledge the witness unless the defense can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that it is indeed Franziska von Karma."

Edgeworth: …

Phoenix: Well, you didn't object, so…

Edgeworth: The only justifiable reason I can think of is to make you look like an idiot.

Phoenix: And that's justifiable?

Edgeworth: Yes.

"Is that so, Miles Edgeworth?"

The voice comes from the witness stand. No one noticed Maya slipping out from behind the defense bench while they were deciding whether or not to allow Franziska's spirit as a witness.

Edgeworth stares in shock. The body may be Maya Fey's, but that voice is definitely Franziska's. And if he has any doubts about her identity, they vanish as he watches her hand close into a fist as if she is reaching for something that isn't there. Her whip, of course, but there's no way Maya would have known that. It is obvious from the expression on Manfred's face that he had no clue Phoenix was planning to do something like this, either.

"Th-the prosecution is satisfied that this witness is the victim," Edgeworth says nervously.

Maya: Oh wow, look. Ms. von Karma still wants her whip even in death!

Franziska: Of course I do. That way, I'll be able to whip some sense into the morons running this court.

Phoenix: Sure… Anyway, I bet Edgeworth doesn't believe that all spirit medium are phony now.

Edgeworth: It seems that fic-me's plan has backfired miserably.

"Did you two know each other?" the judge asks in surprise, looking curiously between the witness and the prosecutor.

Edgeworth: Honestly, if His Honor was surprised that I was prosecuting my own mentor's trial, then it should be obvious that I would've met his daughter at some point.

Phoenix: Yeah, but he's our Judge.

Edgeworth: …True.

Edgeworth quickly regains his composure and replies calmly, "I'm sure you're aware that the defendant was, at one time, my mentor. Of course I was acquainted with his daughter, as well."

"Alright, then. The court accepts this witness. Ms. von Karma, please testify about the night of the murder."

Franziska's testimony consists of only three short statements.

Franziska: Hm, short and concise. If only all witnesses could keep their testimonies like this.

Edgeworth: Agreed. It would make our job much easier.

Phoenix: Hey Edgeworth, are you sure you don't want to hear Oldbag talk up a storm?

Edgeworth: *glare*

"I was in the guest room, reading. I didn't notice anyone come in.

He spoke to get my attention and I looked up.

Then he shot me."

All: …

Phoenix: Well that felt useless.

Franziska: Why didn't I say who my murderer was!?

Maya: Maybe you didn't see them?

Franziska: Preposterous! Someone such as myself wouldn't be murdered without knowing who killed me!

Phoenix presses at the second statement.

"You looked up…? So you must have seen the killer. Please state his name for the court."

"I can't," Franziska replies, looking away.

"You… can't?" Phoenix asks, sweating bullets.


Franziska: There's no way I would be so foolish as to cover for my own murderer! Especially if papa's being accused.

Edgeworth: …

Phoenix moves on to the third statement and presses there.

"You said 'he' shot you. So we know the killer was a man. Can tell us anything else to shed light on the killer's identity?"

Before she can answer, Edgeworth raises an objection.

"The witness has already testified that she cannot identify the killer. If you have no other questions, I'm afraid we'll have to ask her to step down…"

Phoenix looks over the testimony again. He decides to press on the first statement, just to see what kind of information comes up.

"What were you reading?"

"The case file for my next trial," Franziska replies without hesitation.

Phoenix: And here I thought that you were actually reading an interesting book.

Franziska: Any one of my cases is plenty interesting. A von Karma doesn't slack off like some foolish defense attorney that I know of.

Phoenix: Hey! I do paperwork and stuff!

Maya: Pfft.

Phoenix: I do!

Maya: Sure, Nick.

"The victim was also a prosecutor," Edgeworth explains. "The case file was found out the scene." He presents a bloodstained file folder. "From the parts we could decipher, we were able to determine the case itself has nothing to do with the victim's own murder."

The judge looks over the folder's contents briefly and dismisses it as evidence.

Phoenix goes over the remaining two statements again, and presses at the third.

"How much time passed between the time you looked up and the time he shot you?"

Finally, an intelligent question, Edgeworth thinks to himself sarcastically. Not that it's going to get you anywhere.

Phoenix: All of my questions were intelligent.

Edgeworth & Maya: Not really.

Phoenix: Well it's not my fault that the witness hardly gave us any information.


Phoenix: A-Argh!

Franziska: If I were to give testimony, it would be perfect. It's not my fault that the author decided to write my character like that!

Phoenix: I never said it was your fault!

"Maybe I didn't make myself clear," Franziska replies, sounding a little irritated. "He had the shot lined up before he caught my attention. The only thing out of position was… me. When I looked up, he pulled the trigger."

"The defense requests that the witness amend her testimony!"

The third statement now reads: "He shot me as soon as I looked up." Phoenix doesn't press there. He backtracks to the second statement and presses there, asking the question he ignored the first time through.

"What did he say to you?"

Franziska hesitates. The courtroom is deadly silent.

"He said 'Merry Christmas, Franziska'."

Everyone in the courtroom turns to look at Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: …Why is everyone looking at me?

Maya: I know! They all telepathically know that you're the killer!

Edgeworth: Please don't entertain impossible scenarios like that.

Maya: It's not impossible. Have you ever played 999?

Phoenix: That's just a game, Maya.

Maya: So? We're just a g-g-great people with… supernatural powers!

Speakers: Hm, nice save. But it could've been better.

"Right?" the prosecutor asks.

The witness nods once in affirmation.

"How… do you know that…?" Phoenix croaks out. He has a nasty feeling that he already knows the answer.

Edgeworth: So it was me who said that line before? It would've been nice if it was said beforehand.

"Because I'm the one who shot her," Edgeworth replies with a sadistic smile.

Maya: So I was right! Pa-

Edgeworth: …I've changed my mind.

Maya: Huh?

Edgeworth: Give me one of those snacks that you have there, please.

Maya: Oh, sure!

Edgeworth: *takes a big bite of brownie and stares at screen*

"YOU WHAT?!" roars the judge.

"I killed Franziska von Karma."

Franziska: Out of all the foolishly foolish ways that this could've gone…

Phoenix: I wonder what his motive could've been?

[Phoenix is curious as to why Edgeworth would do something like that. He responds with revenge.]

Manfred finally finds his voice. "You… how can you do this to me? I took you into my home and raised you and this is how you repay me?"

Edgeworth: Well, I don't really owe you much…

Franziska: Despite what he's done, if it wasn't for my papa you would be a sad, worthless heap, Miles Edgeworth!

Maya: Uh, maybe he's still a sad heap?

Edgeworth: I'm not depressed, Maya. I'm perfectly content with the way things are now.

"That's rich coming from you," Edgeworth shouts back, "after you tried to set me up for the Gourd Lake murder. Of course, it was easy for me to figure out your plan. You thought I'd want revenge against Robert Hammond for getting my father's murderer off the hook, but you never realized I knew Yanni Yogi was innocent. You see, I was awake when the elevator door opened fifteen years ago… I've known you were the one who killed my father the whole time. And as for you taking me in and raising me, I could have refused to go with you. I'm sure Wright's family would have taken me in, or Larry's. I could have refused to become a prosecutor. But I did go with you. Because where better to form my plans for revenge that in your very own home?"

Maya: Wow, that's a lot to take in all at once…

Phoenix: Wait, wait, wait. So they're trying to tell me that a nine year old kid planned out this whole thing and waited fifteen years to carry it out?

Edgeworth: And if I knew that Yanni Yogi was innocent, why wouldn't I tell the police who the murderer was? That way they wouldn't have to turn to a spirit medium for help…

Maya: Maybe because that's too simple and you wanted a "proper" revenge?

Edgeworth: …That's not how I think.

Franziska: Especially when you were nine years old. You weren't very bright back then.

Manfred was speechless with shock and rage, but someone else in the courtroom wasn't.

"How long…" If not for the utter silence in the courtroom, Edgeworth may not have heard the quiet voice from the witness stand. "How long were you planning this…?"

"To kill you? Since the moment I found out you existed," Edgeworth replied offhandedly. "This particular plan, just a few days… once I was invited to Gourd Lake, and realized I already had a perfect alibi for the night, provided by my dear friend Phoenix Wright."

"The Christmas party…" Phoenix groaned, hanging his head.

Phoenix: Umm, at that point in time Edgeworth and I weren't such great buds yet. Why would I invite him to my Christmas party? Especially in an unknown location?

Edgeworth: You still haven't dropped that?

Phoenix: No! Was it at the office? My house? What other places could I have a Christmas party at!?

"So, when you called and asked me come for Christmas…" She lets the question hang in the air unfinished. Tears are pouring down her face.

Franziska: I wouldn't be so foolish as to forget to say the word "to" in my speech! *whips floor*

The judge comes to senses and orders Edgeworth arrested for Franziska's murder and Manfred arrested on suspicion of being the killer in the DL-6 incident.

Phoenix has the presence of mind to go over to the witness stand and take the distraught young woman into his arms. After being so heartlessly betrayed by someone she trusted, she deserves at least a moment of comfort before she leaves this world once and for all.


Phoenix: Gah!

Franziska: I don't need a hug from you; I'll just go back home to wherever dead people go! Besides, this fic it utter foolishness!


Phoenix: I-I'm sorry! It won't happen again, I promise.

Franziska: Hmph, good.

She slumps against him, and when she opens her eyes Phoenix can see that she is Maya Fey once more.

Maya rubs her eyes as if she is just waking up from a good night's sleep and is surprised to find her face wet with tears.

"Nick, what's going on? Why are they arresting Mr. Edgeworth and Mr. von Karma?"

"I'll… explain later…" Phoenix replies in a strained voice, hugging Maya tightly.


Franziska: Thank goodness.

Speakers: Don't get too comfortable yet…

Alternate Ending

Maya: I think this is the first time that I've seen an alternate ending in a fanfic…

Edgeworth: Those should be left to games and the sort. It would be most unprofessional to have a real published book to have an alternate ending. Then there's no end.

Franziska: No matter what happens, the author can't redeem this farce.

She is sitting at the desk, reading, oblivious to the presence of another person in the room.

The gun sits heavily in his pocket. He starts to take it out, then stops. No matter how carefully he may have cultivated this plan, he can't carry it out. Not because it isn't possible. No, this is a perfect opportunity. He is standing right beside her and she hasn't even noticed him. The reason he can't do it is because he knows what will happen to his heart if he fires the bullet that takes her life.

"Merry Christmas, Franziska."

At the sound of his voice, she looks up. He leans down and kisses her firmly on the mouth.

All: …

Phoenix: Well, it went from killing to kissing. That's… quite a leap.

Edgeworth and Franziska: …

Phoenix: Uh, guys?

Edgeworth: *stands up and sits next to Maya*

Franziska: *pulls whip taut*

A moment later he pulls away. She stares at him, speechless.

"Why don't you forget about work for one night? This is a holiday," he says, with a soft smile. "I was on my way to a Christmas party. You could come with me…" He leaves the invitation hanging.

Phoenix: …(I invited you, not her! She'd probably scare away what little guests I have…)

Edgeworth: I know what you're thinking, Wright. I believe you should be more concerned with the fact that Larry will most likely be there.

Phoenix: Oh yeah…

- at the Christmas party -

"You never told me you were bringing a date," Phoenix says as Edgeworth makes his way toward him with Franziska following close behind.

"It was a last-minute thing," Edgeworth replies. "It's not really a date."

"Of course it's a date," Franziska says with a sly grin, pressing close to his side. Edgeworth returns the grin.

Franziska: Argh!

*crack* *crack* *crack* *crack*

Phoenix: ! (She just… whipped the floor? Well, poor floor, I guess...)

There is more than one way to take a man's daughter away from him…

Edgeworth: Well, that is true, but…

Maya: But what? Did you want to kill Ms. von Karma?

Edgeworth: No, of course not. It's just that…

Phoenix: Just what?

Edgeworth: Never mind. It's unimportant.

Speakers: Well, the fic is over. So if you would all proceed to the Christmas tree to get your presents… That includes you, Franziska.

Franziska: *annoyed huff*

Maya: C'mon, let's go! Who gets to open theirs first? Can I?

Speakers: Yeah, you can go first. After you Phoenix Wright can go.

Maya: Goody! Mine's so big, I wonder what it could be?

[Maya wastes no time in tearing the paper off the present. In fact, she even manages to get the bow stuck in Phoenix's hair. I wonder how that could've happened…]

Maya: A… statue of burgers? Hey, it looks so yummy I could eat it!

Phoenix: Um, how are you going to get that home?

Maya: Hmm, good question. I don't think the elders would like this in the village…

Speakers: We'll use the teleporter, no worries. And we'll teleport it to the office. That solves the problem!

Phoenix: (Oh joy…)

Speakers: Your turn, Phoenix Wright.

[Phoenix takes much more time to unwrap his present. It almost seems like he's doing it on purpose…]

Maya: C'mon you old fart! What's taking so long? *tears the rest of the paper off for him*

Phoenix: It's… an apron, a washcloth, and some soap?

Speakers: That way, you'll be able to clean more than just the toilet. Isn't it great?

Phoenix: Yes, how thoughtful… (What does an apron have to do with cleaning?)

Speakers: You're up, Franziska.

Franziska: Let's get this over with. *tears paper off quickly*

Edgeworth: You got a book titled "Law for Dummies?"

Phoenix: *snicker*

Franziska: …You must've given this to the wrong person. *hands book to Phoenix* This is the perfect book for you. I want Chapter 1 read for tomorrow morning, is that clear?

Phoenix: Yeah, thanks… (Now I've got homework for Christmas…)

Edgeworth: I suppose I'm last…

[Edgeworth carefully takes off the paper, as if he's going to reuse it later. In his hand is a box.]

Maya: Open it, open it!

Edgeworth: It's a porcelain doll. Very funny, management.

Speakers: Huh!? We didn't… Oh yeah, uh, your real present will arrive shortly. We just wanted to play a trick! Haha, yes, that's exactly what we wanted to do!

[A Santa hat falls from the ceiling, right onto Edgeworth's lap.]

Maya: Aww, how cute! You should put it on, Mr. Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: Uh, maybe later.

Maya: Why not now!? I can put it on for you if you like!

Phoenix: Maya, just leave Edgeworth alone for now. Look, your present was already teleported to my office. Don't you want to see it?

Maya: Oh yeah. Let's go, Nick!

[They both leave the theatre with Edgeworth and Franziska right behind them, and that brings our Christmas sporking to a close. We hope you enjoyed that! We hope you all had a Merry Christmas!]


[Is there something wrong, sir?]

Speakers: We totally put that doll in there, definitely. The Janitor will throw it away later today. It was such a funny joke, right, narrator? Hahaha…

[Whatever you say, sir.]
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I swear, if that doll shows up yet again, I'm getting myself a new chewtoy...

Nicely done! I could really feel the jolly holiday spirit throughout, aside from the disconcerted grumblings of lawyers, and the presents were suprisingly sweet coming from the Management. As you said, the fic was nonsensical but in the boring way, so I can understand that the characters wouldn't feel very interested in it.

Well, I guess in prep of the New Year's, a more hard-hitting fic would be more appropriate, and I have such a fic to spork... hopefully, it'll be ready by before New Year's.
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Oh my gosh, I can't stop laughing! That last Undertale trollfic is mine and I can't believe it got on here. I can't wait to see one of you tackle it. :gant:
Also, first post!
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Ah, welcome to the Theater. For some reason, we seem to draw in trollfic authors who love to see their silly works of art be destroyed. To be honest, I've become just a little jealous of those people whose works we've sporked so far. It's become pretty much an honor to have your work be featured in this thread.
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Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:
Ah, welcome to the Theater. For some reason, we seem to draw in trollfic authors who love to see their silly works of art be destroyed. To be honest, I've become just a little jealous of those people whose works we've sporked so far. It's become pretty much an honor to have your work be featured in this thread.

Well, we appear in the TVTropes fic recommendation page for ace attorney, after all. That's some cachet we have here.
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Guess which kink meme had a bad fic challenge?


Great sporking for a boring fic.
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cuteyounggirlplus wrote:

What are we honestly supposed to do with these? I was expecting one that was beyond redemption, but all of them don't qualify...

Say, who's doing the next KM special? Was it cygp with the carrot saga? Or did Airey have something else planned for it?
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I'm doing the Carrot Saga. It's not very good, though.
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Having any trouble? Feel free to pm me if you need to. People seem to like the silly story elements I add to sporkings; helps give the sporking a bit more flavor even if the fic gets bland.
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
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i swear, these fics get more insane as they get published
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Back from Christmas break and probably going to write a sporking in the next week or two! (How many times have I said this now...?)

@Skittlemask: The doll is A Thing now, huh? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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You know, I've been getting back into Pokemon lately, and I've got curious about posible crossover fics with ace attorney.

I haven't read any of them, but some sound quite sporkable.
The shpping community is one of the most out there, by the way.
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luck wrote:
You know, I've been getting back into Pokemon lately, and I've got curious about posible crossover fics with ace attorney.

I haven't read any of them, but some sound quite sporkable.
The shpping community is one of the most out there, by the way.

"Neverending Romance: the incomplete nightmare"
Well, I honestly can't argue with that.
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Would you please leave some feedback on my characterization and humor? Thank you.

The Sporking Theater presents: Kink Meme Special IV: The Carrot Saga

Our sporkers today:

Phoenix Wright!

Maya Fey

And last, but not least: Miles Edgeworth!

(Miles Edgeworth, Phoenix Wright, and Maya Fey are teleported straight into the theater. Large popcorn buckets full of carrots are laying on top of the sporkers’ seats.)

Edgeworth: Argh. Why do I have to be dragged into another one of these?

Phoenix: The Management is unusually quiet for a Kink Meme Special, too. (I have a bad feeling about this…)

Maya: Hey, don’t complain. At least Management gave us snacks!

(Trying to prove her point, Maya grabs a carrot from her bucket and puts it into her mouth. Unfortunately, the sporking starts before she can eat the carrot.)

Prompt: Edgeworth/Carrot.

(The carrot immediately fell from Maya’s shaking hands into the bucket below.)

Maya: ……

Edgeworth: Great.

Perhaps if Larry hadn't eaten the banana before class, things would have been different. Perhaps Miles' tastes would have been more culinary, less sexual.

Phoenix: Uh, what does Larry eating a banana have to do with Edgeworth being paired up with a carrot?

But Larry had eaten the only banana, and Mr. Hibbins had been forced to borrow a carrot from the cafeteria, and young Miles had watched as his teacher smoothly demonstrated how to apply a condom to the vegetable. It had fit loosely over the thin tip of the long carrot, at first - only to stretch out as the teacher kept rolling it down, longer and longer, until soon the latex was pulled tight around the entire carrot, and Miles felt himself squirming in his seat, grateful that he was in a back row.

Phoenix: What kind of elementary school cafeteria has extra carrots but no extra bananas?

That was the first instance, the one that linked carrots and sexuality in Miles' mind... and for a while, for years in fact, it seemed a fairly innocent connection. He blushed at the sight of a full-sized carrot, remembering that class; but surely that was to be expected of any young hormonal boy in such a situation. And then - it was Larry again, going on about length and measuring, and Phoenix and Miles both shut him down instantly, but... Miles got to thinking of carrots. Long, long orange carrots, that curved a little and felt textured against his fingers, a little rough, and so long....

Edgeworth: Carrots resemble penises. We get it. Would you please move on with it, already?

Maya: Hey, it’s not all bad. At least there’s not anyone having sex with a burger…

Is that a challenge, Ms. Fey?

Maya: N-No!

Edgeworth measures his penis by comparing it to a carrot

Edgeworth: And what would be the purpose of that comparison?

Phoenix: "I know your dick is 7 inches but how does it compare to a carrot?"

Maya: Ew! Nick!

It was harder to ignore, after that. Especially as he kept growing, and becoming more educated on sexual matters, and more convinced that he wasn't interested in girls, but a hard length not his own was something he already knew he liked, so, surely, Miles thought... But kissing Phoenix 'for practice' didn't do anything for him - not like he could tell it did for his friend, who spent the next week blushing and avoiding his gaze and eventually confessing that he'd liked it a lot and he was sorry if that was weird, but he was hoping maybe -

Phoenix: *groans* Again?

Maya: Apparently even carrot shippers can’t resist putting you two together.

Phoenix and Edgeworth still remain friends in the end.

Edgeworth: Some things never change, I see.

Still, though. It was just a - a prop, really. A replacement for the thought of another man, since he didn't have anyone in particular to think about. Miles just didn't like Phoenix that way, but that didn't mean he was oblivious to everyone of the male persuasion - ...except. He didn't like any of the boys at school, or in his neighborhood. He could acknowledge that they were attractive, in the same way he could for girls, but he didn't feel any attraction.

Larry made them watch porn together 'in celebration of' his eighteenth birthday, and Miles felt nothing but bored. The next day he went shopping with his father, and had to hold the grocery bag in front of his crotch the entire time they were in front of the vegetable display.

Edgeworth: …Is this some sort of AU where the DL6 never happened?

Phoenix: And you’re attracted to carrots, apparently.

Edgeworth: Wright.

He couldn't deny it anymore.

It wasn't that carrots were a substitute for penises. They weren't so simple as that, they weren't just dildos to use when 'real sex' wasn't available, no - carrots were real to Miles. He... he wanted them. Passionately, and he couldn't hold back anymore.

Phoenix: Wow, I didn’t really think they’d make Edgeworth some kind of… carrot-sexual.

Edgeworth: Carrot-sexual? Is this supposed to be a real sexual orientation?

Maya: Of course, carrot-sexuals are real! They’re the orange part of the spectrum!

He soon discovered that there was much to love about carrots - the way they felt in his hands, hard and rough but still a little tender if he squeezed near the tip. He loved to stroke them against himself - his lips, chin, neck, nipples, all the way down his body until he could rub the carrot against his cock, hold them both in one hand, slippery with lube, and just slide them together, up and down and it never took long. He loved the way they tasted in his mouth - somehow so different in his bedroom than at the dinner table, a whole new sort of sweet with his mouth spit-sloppy and open wide, his tongue rolling along every bump and curve. He liked to scrape his teeth gently down the sides and feel the carrot flaking ever so slightly against his tongue. He liked to press it deep into his throat, to hold it there tight and resist his gag reflex as he swallowed, swallowed, tried to pull it deeper, tried to reach the base of the carrot, but he never could, they were so long, god, and perfect between his lips.

Shortly after his high school graduation, Miles discovered he loved the way they felt in his ass.

Edgeworth: Ergh. Did that really necessitate it’s own paragraph?

He had been taking a break from carrots, for the past few months.

Phoenix: Really? I couldn’t tell.

Maya: Yeah, with the description above you’d think fic!Edgeworth was having sex with carrots 24/7.

The porn realization had come so late, he'd already been so accustomed to his habits - he masturbated with carrots almost every day, often multiple times a day. And Miles had been scared, when he realized what this was, how abnormal he truly was - he went cold-turkey on the carrot, cutting it out of his life entirely. For a while, he tried to be normal. If not straight, if not gay, then at least not sexually interested in vegetables, at least that much.

Maya: This fic is a bit italics-happy, isn’t it?

But then it was graduation day, and the valedictorian gave a speech that was all about finding and accepting your true self, and Phoenix decided to go to a law school, and Larry decided to become a taco salesman, and his father told Miles he was proud of him, he could be anything he wanted to be, and there was such a sense of promise in the air, he felt so free, so really very –

Maya: A taco salesman?

Phoenix: That’s Larry for you.

He stopped by the grocery store on the way home.

Edgeworth: Well, that was sudden.

Phoenix: No kidding.

And, oh, oh it was everything he'd dreamed about. The carrot he'd chosen was a long one, tapered to a rounded tip at the end, wide at the base with the leaves still attached - and he felt a warm flush within him at the thought of them sticking out his ass, the rest of the carrot invisible inside him, where it belonged -

Maya: "This hole! It was made for me!"

Phoenix: I thought I was the one who made dirty jokes around here.

Apparently, the carrot feels good but burns inside.

Phoenix: That’s what the lube is for.

Maya: Nick!

Edgeworth: Wright, please.

There was no point denying it after that. Hiding it - yes, the world couldn't ever know. People wouldn't understand. But that was okay. Miles didn't need understanding to be happy.

All he needed was a carrot under the sheets next to him.

Phoenix: That’s going to be one used carrot.

(The lights flicker back on.)

Edgeworth: Finally. That fic is finally over.

And on to the next one!

Edgeworth: Aaaarghh.

(The lights go off.)

Miles cheats on a carrot with a banana.

Edgeworth: Enngh.

Phoenix: How exactly do you cheat on a carrot?

As he poured some lube on the banana with impatient lust, Miles still couldn't let go of that feeling of guilt.

Maya: (singing) Let it g—

Phoenix: Maya, no.

Sure, he still loved carrots and they still would have had a place in his heart (after all, who can forget what's responsible for the loss of their virginity?), but now he needed something more.

Phoenix: A human being?

Edgeworth: If only that was the case…

A different kind of thrill. And that banana, so thick, long and curved in the middle, had tempted him for too long, sitting on his kitchen counter in all its yellowness.

Edgeworth: ‘In all its yellowness’ is not a particularly arousing way to describe a banana.

Phoenix: Better yellow than brown.

Maya: Ew.

He lain down on the bed, sticking his ass up, and after murmuring a sorry direct to his vegetable lover, he slowly pushed the fruit in his anus.

Phoenix: It’s a carrot. It’s not going to care.

Edgeworth: We know.

After some wincing and struggle it settled in, and oh man... so much better than he would have believed or imagined.

Maya: Wow. Such descripton. Much words.

As he pushed it deeper inside himself, every guilty feeling abandoned him: he would have thought about it later, after the pleasure. Too good, so much that it took him relatively short to get close to his orgasm, as if he was still a virgin.

Edgeworth: W-What does ones virginity have to do with ones pleasure?

Miles braced himself and pushed deeper, impatient to come even if he knew it was just a few seconds away, when all of a sudden the door of the bedroom opened.

“You! Who is this third rate guy you brought to our place this time?" A foppish guy with a yellow lock of hair and a white handkerchief around his neck yelled, leaving Miles baffled and confused.

Maya: …Is that…?

Phoenix: Richard Wellington having sex with a banana. Thanks for that lovely mental image, fic.

Embarrassedly, he pulled the banana out of his ass and tried to find the right words to ask that guy who he was and what he was doing there, when all of a sudden something caught his attention.

Was the banana blushing?

Edgeworth: That’s not physically possible.

Phoenix: As if the bar for this fic wasn’t low enough.

(The lights flicker back on.)

Edgeworth: Nnngh. First carrots, then bananas, what is next? Pineapples?

Phoenix: I sure hope not. That would hurt.

Maya: *shudders* Nick, why’d you have to say that…

(The lights dim.)

After waiting for 5 hours, the grocery associate finally taps Miles on his shoulder with a smile on her face, "Sir, it's waiting for you... I mean, they are waiting for you."

She ushers him to the vegetable and produce aisle before pointing at a blushing carrot, fresh out of childbirth, "Congratulations, Mr. Edgeworth. You're a father of ten beautiful baby carrots."

All: …………

Edgeworth: …How?

Phoenix: You shouldn’t think about it. It’ll only make it worse.

"Thank you!" Miles immediately stares in awe at his ten half human half carrot offspring, all asleep and in a basket.

Edgeworth: ‘In awe’ is right. Carrots are not reproductively compatible with human beings!

They all have their mother's carrot shape, but they inherited Miles' human arms, dark gray hair, his haircut, and they even came with a cravat, "... They're beautiful."

All: ……………………

Maya: ……Kill them with fire.

He turns to the mother of his children, kissing it on its green stalks, whispering "I love you" and "I'm so happy" underneath his breath.

Phoenix: I know a child being born is supposed to be wonderful and heartwarming but when the mother is a carrot, it’s just creepy.

As expected, Carrot blushes in happiness, elated that it gave birth to the children of such an amazing man.

Maya: You know, aren’t people supposed to be tired and stuff after giving birth?

Edgeworth: Yes, but this fic isn’t based in anything like reality.

The grocery's customers and workers stand in awe as Miles cries tears of joy.

Phoenix: I think you’ve confused awe with horror, author.

Finally, he truly has a family to call his own.

Phoenix: I think Franziska would object to that.

Maya: I think objecting isn’t the only thing she’ll do.

Edgeworth: Leave her out of it, please.

(The lights turn back on.)

Phoenix: Well, that was… something. Very something.

Edgeworth: And if the current trend continues, it will only get worse.

(The lights turn back off.)

Miles stands silent in the kitchen, gawking at the pregnancy test stick beside the banana. Two red lines. Those two red lines. He can't believe he just got his potassium-rich paramour pregnant from his seed, "Carrot isn't going to like this."

Edgeworth: Nngggh.

Phoenix: So not only do we get carrot-human hybrids, but banana-human hybrids as well?

Maya: Let’s hope we don’t get any images this time.

The prosecutor begins to hyperventilate from the fear of getting caught by his orange colored vegetable sweetheart. His infidelity might finally be exposed, and his fruity affair could go public. Then again, maybe it isn't even his child? I mean, the banana had a lover before him... But no... The banana's foppish ex-boyfriend used a condom, "This is terrible. Banana, I can't believe this - OW!"

Phoenix: …I suppose banana-spawn by Edgeworth is marginally better than banana-spawn by Wellington.

Maya: Heh. Marginally. Margarine.

Phoenix: I bet that’s what Edgeworth is paired with next.

Edgeworth: Arrgh.

Maya: …That’s really gross, Nick.

He was stopped mid-sentence by something solid thrown right at him. Looking at what could have possibly hit him, Miles soon discovers that it was none other than Carrot.

Edgeworth: Did an inanimate object just propel itself onto my counterpart’s face?

Phoenix: I think it did.

Edgeworth: …

Picking it up in his hand, he realizes that Carrot's been watching the entire thing. He can see a moist teardrop made of juice trail down its rough, orange skin, and he feels nothing but absolute guilt, "Baby, I swear, I didn't mean to hurt you -"

Maya: Does that final line strike anyone as particularly un-Edgeworth-y?

Edgeworth: “un-Edgeworth-y”?

Maya: Well, I can’t imagine you calling anyone ‘baby’.

Edgeworth: If you mean I wouldn’t call a carrot by a pet name, then yes, I wouldn’t do that.

Carrot leaps at Miles, smacking him before rushing out of the kitchen. At this point, the prosecutor knows he's in big trouble. Turning over to Banana, it doesn't look any happier than Carrot - livid at the realization that it was just the man's mistress. Now, it's carrying his child.

Edgeworth: His biologically impossible child.

Doing exactly as what Carrot did to Miles, Banana jumps into his face, landing a solid slap prior to running away from him. And after that bit, Miles is left completely alone. On his knees, feeling pure remorse for his sinful adultery as he bursts into tears, "What have I done?!"

Phoenix: “No, seriously what have I done? How does one impregnate a banana?”

Not only did he lose his banana inamorata, he lost his first love, Carrot. How could he be so foolish as to sleep around with an already taken fruit? "..."

Reality strikes him cold. Miles, an adulterous, prosecuting cheat, is now the father of a half human, half banana abomination. How's he even going to pay the child support?

Phoenix: Well, Edgeworth, if you’re really worried about money maybe you could sell me your mansion—

Edgeworth: No.

Phoenix: (Darn.)

And what will the world think of his sinful deed?

Maya: They’ll think you’re a pervert.

... Only god knows.

"Carrot, I'm so... so... Sorry."

Phoenix: "I’m so sorry this fic was ever written."

(The lights flicker back on.)

Edgeworth: I’m glad you two are enjoying yourselves at my expense.

Maya: It’s better than being grumpy all the time.

Edgeworth: Hmph.

(Once the short break is over, the lights turn off.)

When Miles Edgeworth woke up naked in the middle of the vegetable section of the grocery store, an entire display case's worth of sexy vegetables scattered round him - and even a few fruits, he noticed with a blush as his eyes landed on a thick banana - he wasn't especially worried.

Edgeworth: Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about his real self.

Phoenix: Or his companions.

Exhausted, sore, maybe a little wary of indulging in tequila again any time soon... but not worried. After all, he had his carrot clutched tightly in his hand, so it wasn't like he'd done anything to be ashamed of - his integrity was still intact.

Maya: Wow, Mister Edgeworth, your wife must be really forgiving if she let you have an orgy just after she found you had impregnated your mistress!

Edgeworth: Grr….

There were several containers of open lube and condoms scattered across the floor too, so he'd been perfectly safe. And he felt so sexually satisfied that honestly, it was impossible to regret a thing. To be perfectly honest, the sight of all those zucchinis, cucumbers, bananas, pears, green onions, cabbages, apples, spinach, and of course, carrots... he could feel his breath getting short, his pulse rising, his erection coming to life again –

Phoenix: Here we go again…

When the doors burst open a minute later to admit none other than Detective Gumshoe, things were admittedly a little awkward. Apparently, the security cameras had picked up him getting frisky the night before and the police had been called in. Somehow, Gumshoe managed to arrange it so that he was the only one to show up, but he had no choice except to arrest the Chief Prosecutor.

Edgeworth: So I’m going to be arrested for public indecency. Yay.

Maya: Don’t be so grumpy! At least we don’t have to sit through another sex scene.

Edgeworth isn’t worried but is caught off-guard when Phoenix can’t defend him.

"I - Miles, I saw the tape," Wright said, voice downright scandalized, and for the first moment since he'd woken, Miles felt embarrassed at the thought of what his old friend might have seen. "Part of it anyway, and - broccoli to tickle yourself? An apple as a gag? Wrapping spinach around - and both a banana and an onion, what the h*ll, and I can't even talk about the CARROT-"

Maya: “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Fruit! Oh, wait...”

Oh. So he hadn't seen anything all that unusual after all.

Phoenix: “After all, it was Tuesday.”

"I CAN'T defend you," Phoenix finished, shaking his head sadly. "Actually, there's no need - the Judge has already declared a verdict. I'm just here to deliver the news. We thought... maybe I would be the best choice."

Phoenix: They had the trial without you? That seems… unethical.

Edgeworth: Mph…

Miles' eyes narrowed. "This is an intervention," he realised. "Who else is in on this? Was Gumshoe-?"

Phoenix coughed and avoided meeting his eyes. "You're going to be going to therapy. Actually, you're going to be joining another prosecutor - Kristoph Gavin, you may have heard of him and his... self-love issue."

Maya: Wasn’t Kristoph Gavin a defense attorney?

Phoenix: And a murderer?

Edgeworth: Well, the therapy won’t be much help then.

Miles had. It had been fairly well known in the lawyer community, as had the verdict passed down on him once his obsession had grown too strong and he was found having public sex with a mirror.

Phoenix: ……………

Maya: I don’t think this was what Nick was expecting.

Edgeworth is under a restraining order against all “uncut fruit and vegetables”.

"NO," he hissed viciously, stuffing his carrot into his shirt to protect it. The guard drew closer. "I can't - they're not the same cut - Wright, don't do this-!"

"It's for the best, Miles," Phoenix murmured sadly, and turned away.

Maya: Aw…

Edgeworth: Good riddance.

(The lights flicker back on.)

Edgeworth: …………

Phoenix: It’s just one more fic.

Maya: Yeah, you can do it, Mister Edgeworth! Just believe in yourself.

(The lights turn off.)

I can't help but glare at the mirror, scowling at my own reflection. Seriously, how does Kristoph Gavin find his own reflection that attractive?

Phoenix: …Thanks for reminding me of that little tidbit from the last fic. Whose point of view is this anyways?

Oh, and d*mn my glasses - they make me look like a senior citizen's grandfather, and d*mn Phoenix Wright for being a total brute and shoving me into a rehabilitation center for my sexual attraction to produce.

Maya: Is this supposed to be Mr. Edgeworth speaking? This doesn’t sound anything like him.

Phoenix: Yeah, Edgeworth doesn’t swear.

Edgeworth: … (sighs.)

I should be with my lovely wife, Carrot Sativus-Edgeworth, and my ten true daughters

Phoenix: That’s rude.

Maya: Yeah! Just because children are born out of marriage doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings!

Edgeworth: Ngggghh…

- Miley, Carota, Carotene, Karotte, Zanahoria, Carrot Jr. I, Carrot Jr. II, Carrot Jr. III, Miles Jr., and Orange.

Maya: Get it? ‘Cause they’re carrots!

Phoenix: Yeah. Had to reach for the low-hanging fruit, didn’t you author?

Edgeworth: You two don’t have much room to talk…

However, as you can see, I've been barred from seeing them, and it's been that way for several months, with every subsequent day being another painful tribulation to live through. Nevertheless, it's one day closer to my final day in Vegetable Attraction Therapy, which is a month from now. But I would rather be released as soon as I can, because I cannot handle the constant struggle of being around Gavin - especially whenever he sees his own reflection as it always ends with him masturbating in public.

Maya: …TMI, fic-Mr. Edgeworth, TMI.

I also get very lonely being isolated in this hellhole.

Phoenix: Funny. That’s the way I feel about this place.

The Management would like to inform Phoenix Wright that insulting the theater will not be tolerated.

"I have to get out of here."

Edgeworth: A sentiment we can all agree with.

Did you not hear what we just said?

Phoenix: Oh, he did. He just doesn’t care anymore.

I sigh, crestfallen in melancholy, sitting on the rehab's stiff bed. Taking out a picture of Carrot, I try to remind myself that once I finally am released from the rehab, I get to see my wife and daughters. But alas, the omnipresent environment of white walls and nurses armed with tranquilizers makes it difficult for me to convince myself that everything will be fine... I'm starting to feel lonely again -

Maya: Way to make a hospital sound even scarier than it already is. Sheesh.

"Miles Edgeworth." The bumbling old 'doctor' with pink hair calls for me, "You have a visitor. Apparently, he says that he's a good friend. I suggest you come down to the lobby."

Phoenix: W-Who’d place him in charge of getting patients? He isn’t even a real doctor!

Edgeworth: I knew this rehab would do no good.

A visitor? I have a visitor? Who would want to visit me? "Who is he?"

"I dunno. I think his name's Ascot or something." Ascot? Who the h*ll is Ascot? "Anyways, you should hurry up. I need to talk to a nurse, if you know what I mean." Sadly, I do. But I'm beyond confused about this visitor. I don't know any man by the name of Ascot. Oh well, I should head off to the lobby and find out who this mysterious man could be.

Maya: Ascot? Do we know anybody named Ascot?

Phoenix: I think the Professor might have talked about someone named something like that…

Edgeworth: Why do I have such a foreboding feeling about this?

The lobby smells the same as it always does every afternoon; it reeks of formaldehyde, the elderly, and disinfectant. Looking around the place, all I see are the regular lobby-goers and a couple of nurses trying to forcefully drag Gavin away from the mirror - he's already reaching for his zipper, and I shouldn't even be watching any more of whatever is going on in there.

Phoenix: Look! It’s the first smart thought the fic has had!

Maya: I never thought I’d see the day.

Instead, I should actually try to focus on finding this 'Mr. Ascot' or whoever the hell he is. However, it's difficult to find someone I don't know in the sea of familiar strangers, "Miles."

I hear my name. I guess this Ascot man found me. But that's weird, his voice sounds all too similar to a certain someone - or rather, something I haven't seen in ages...

Edgeworth: No.

Impossible. It can't be it. An ascot is an entirely different kind of tie.

Edgeworth: No.

Phoenix: Today’s the day, isn’t it?

Maya: What day?

Phoenix: Today’s the day some sad excuse for a writer finally paired Edgeworth with his cravat.

I must be hallucinating, "Miles, over here." Shifting my gaze to the beckoning call, I realize that I actually wasn't hallucinating, "Good evening, Miles."

"You." I'm speechless. Hovering on the sofa is something I thought I would never see again in my life. A handsome, comely, muscular billionaire cravat made of fabric stares at me with the same look I fell for years ago.

Edgeworth: Nghoooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Phoenix: Looks like I was right. (sighs)

I can feel a bit of dread as I say its name in slow, stuttering words, "It... It... It's been a long time, Paul."

All: …

Phoenix: …Who names their cravat Paul?

Edgeworth: Not me, I assure you.

Edgeworth and Paul exchange small talk as Edgeworth tries not to have sexual fantasies about their past encounters.

Phoenix: Hm. Steamy.

Maya: Nick!

[Paul’s] hot, muscular cloth arms fold, and its tone of voice shifts to the seductive trill I recognize, "Tell me, have you been seeing someone lately? Or have you been with something else since I last saw you?"

"Yes, I've been with something else." Swallowing dry air, I shake my head, forcing myself to tell the truth, "I'm happily married to my wife, Carrot Sativus-Edgeworth. With Carrot, I have ten beautiful half-carrot, half-human daughters, and they're only a few months old."

Phoenix: Well, I guess it’s true what they say—Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Maya: The very perverted beholder.

Paul and Edgeworth argue for a bit if Carrot is worthy of Edgeworth and then they go into a janitor’s closet.

Edgeworth: Grrrrr….

Phoenix: Hang in there.

Carrot looks around, watching its ten kids running around the playground and making sure Miles Jr. doesn't start eating the mulch again. After its husband's mandatory rehabilitation for his severe sexual attraction to vegetables and fruits, it's been forced to work three jobs just to provide for their daughters and keep a roof above their heads. During the mornings, Carrot works as a cashier. On afternoons, it works as a grocery display. And during the night, it works the pole over at The Market, a gentleman's club. Yeah, being a "single" mother is an arduous task.

Edgeworth: Is there really enough demand for a carrot pole dancer that a ‘gentleman’s’ club would have a position for one?

Phoenix: Yeah, you’d think the clothes would just fall off.

Maya: Nick! Stop it!

And it's even harder considering that Miles is a habitual adulterer. For all Carrot knows, right now, he could be sleeping with a squash, a pumpkin, or god forbid another banana. When the carrot found out that its husband impregnated a banana with a bastard child, all hell broke loose, and the prosecutor went on a rampage by sleeping with every vegetable and fruit in the produce aisle - or at least, he tried to sleep with as many as he could fit in his anus.

Phoenix: Thanks for that recap! It’s not like some of us were trying to forget.

Edgeworth: I think you mean all of us, Wright.

"..." The orange vegetable shudders, hoping that rehab will fix its husband's unfaithful tendencies. It recently began drinking its worries away with carrot juice. Basically, Carrot's been committing acts of cannibalism by consuming the liquefied flesh of its brothers and sisters all in the name of placating its uneasy sorrows.

All: ……

Edgeworth: …Was the cannibalism really necessary, author? Or was this story not horrifying enough?

Be that as it may, sometimes vegetables have to make sacrifices to make things feel better... If only Miles understands that he's making his wife go through hell.

Sadly, he can't. Because once again, unbeknownst to Carrot, Miles' insatiable sexual appetite led him to relive the night of decadent debauchery with his old flame inside an empty janitor's closet, lustily moaning in erotic pleasure -

"Paul... You make my ass feel so good... I love it."

Phoenix: ‘This fic…you make my head hurt so much…I hate it.”

(The lights flicker back on for one last time.)

Edgeworth: Nobody ever speaks of this again.

Phoenix: Agreed. I don’t even want to think of this again.

Maya: No arguments here!

(The sporkers three walk out of the theater, spilling their uneaten buckets of carrots onto the floor. What a waste, what a waste.)
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I should have known that Edgeworth/cravat would make an appearance at some point. (Also, I laughed uncontrollably at the fact that the cravat man was named Paul for about five minutes... sort of inside joke-related.)

Not a bad sporking, although I will say that it did seem kind of rushed - you often didn't have enough commentary imo, and both the entrance and exit were unusually short. Also, did you censor the swear words in the fic...? I find it unlikely that they would have been *ed out originally.
I didn't see any major problems with your characterization, really. Although tone down the dirty jokes/relatively explicit discussions of sex in the future. Other than that, good. Pretty funny!
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Yes, I did censor the words out.
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cuteyounggirlplus wrote:

Yes, I did censor the words out.

Okay, you really don't have to do that. :yogi:
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AireyVerkhovensky wrote:
cuteyounggirlplus wrote:

Yes, I did censor the words out.

Okay, you really don't have to do that. :yogi:

In fact, generally it would be better not to. It's funnier when you see the fic in its full glory.
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Just dropping by to let people know that I have indeed been working on the next part of Hellspawn. Since I couldn't make it for New Year's, I decided to go long and take the sporking to 4 chapters of that thing. It's the least I could do after such a long absence, right? I still worry if I made it too long, though I didn't want to leave out too much.

Also, I added a little new policy to my Management. It's up to the rest of you to decide if you want to include it in your future sporkings, but I hope it at least catches on a bit.
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I think the vores at FF are deleted now... But from the same author is some Professor Layton vore... Didn't read them.
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MoonRaven wrote:
I think the vores at FF are deleted now... But from the same author is some Professor Layton vore... Didn't read them.

Really? Dang, I was taking those, wasn't I...
Well, vore's always easy to find. For some reason.
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It's so insane to make Edgeworth have children with carrots and bananas... Er, I mean, is there anything I could do? I haven't sporked fanfictions before, but maybe I could try, cause I like writing...
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Here, I think this is the most recent iteration of the fanfic rec list. Granted, it does need to be updated again, so once you pick a fic double-check to see if it's been done/anyone's already claimed it, but there are plenty of fics up for grabs here.
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Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:
Just dropping by to let people know that I have indeed been working on the next part of Hellspawn. Since I couldn't make it for New Year's, I decided to go long and take the sporking to 4 chapters of that thing. It's the least I could do after such a long absence, right? I still worry if I made it too long, though I didn't want to leave out too much.

Also, I added a little new policy to my Management. It's up to the rest of you to decide if you want to include it in your future sporkings, but I hope it at least catches on a bit.

I'm looking forward to it.
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Would there be something wrong about giving Ace Attorney: Phoenix Wright Law and Order a try? Though it's a little old... Or did someone else do it after Thane did and I didn't notice?
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I don't think anyone had taken it after he dropped it, so go ahead. I dun even remember what that fic was about, haha. It's been too long. :p

I figure we can set a 3-month period "rule" for sporkers who queue fics. If they don't respond within that time saying that they're still working on it, then it's up for grabs. Just leave a note here to let everyone know!
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Hello, people. Let’s pretend to turn the clock back a couple weeks and pretend it’s New Year’s Day all over again. To commemorate it, I present to you a double feature sporking – that is, it actually may count as two sporkings in one. Beware: It is long; 45 whole pages, in fact. Please spare some time before you start reading.

Btw, thanks for reading!

Featured fic: The Hellspawn
Part 3-4

Cast: :phoenix: :maya: :franny: :edgeworth:

Overall rating: 3x :sahwit:
Aw, it’s been several months since I’ve last visited the fic, and it’s just as droll as I remember it. <3


[With the advent of the new year here, the Sporking Theater Management has decided on a new resolution for the sporkings to come.]

Maya: A New Year’s resolution? Wow, I wonder what they’ve come up with this time!

Franziska: Hopefully, it’s one that will actually come through for once.

Phoenix: Ms. von Karma… you do realize their “resolution” may be detrimental to us all?

Franziska: Some more so than others, for sure. If I were you, Phoenix Wright, I’d already be down on my knees and praying.

Edgeworth: As tempting as it may be, when have any of our prayers come through in this place?

Maya: Well, I dunno about you guys, but they sure were nice with the Christmas presents and Halloween candy from before!

Phoenix: In other words, the only ones who have been enjoying themselves are you and Kay.

Maya: Mainly because we tend to look on the more positive side of things.

Franziska: It sounds like you’re simply deluding yourselves.

Maya: See? That negative attitude has got to go! Lighten up already, guys!

Speakers: Now that’s the spirit, Maya! If you spread that cheer around enough, we might even reward you with something nice!

Maya: What, really? It’s “nice”…?

Phoenix: *dryly* Wow, what are the chances?

Speakers: Quite likely, if she tries hard enough. Gain enough of these hence dubbed “gratitude points” (“grats” for short), and you’ll be eligible to request to exchange attendance with someone of your choice!

Phoenix: Wait, you’re serious!?

Maya: Whoa! That does sound nice!

Franziska: It sounds more like fraud! Just where are you going with this happy-go-lucky attitude?

Speakers: If you must know, we want to do something different to commemorate the new year, so we, the Management, have formally decided to instate a new system of positive reinforcement!

All: …

Phoenix: You know, you’re kinda late on tha-

Edgeworth: Where was that “decision” of yours when the kink meme attacked yet again!?

Speakers: That’s none of my business.

Edgeworth: You’re one of them! How is it not!?

Speakers: Oh, please don’t take it the wrong way, Mr. Edgeworth. Communication may be a bit delayed at times.

Edgeworth: Don’t avoid the question! Get things settled amongst yourselves sooner!

Speakers: As for that New Year’s resolution thing…

Phoenix: Huh? Didn’t you just say it?

Speakers: Oh, no. That’s just a completely well-intentioned move on my part.

Franziska: You’re the only one doing this!?

Speakers: Hey, if it’s catchy enough, it might spread to the others too.

Maya: So, what’s that resolution of yours?

Speakers: Simple: to provide you all with more material than I managed last year, starting with this session.

All: …

Maya: …I shouldn’t have asked.

Phoenix: (No, but something tells me they would have said it anyway…)

Speakers: And speaking of which, we’re running a bit late! Time to get those seats filled!

[And thus, the sporkers have been sent directly inside.]

Speakers: Honestly, you could have done that already.

[Oh… I thought it was tradition to have a chat outside in the lobby first.]

Speakers: It’s a new year, man! Get with the times!

[Er… yes, sir!]

[Incidentally, courtesy of the Management, the seat belts are back. Fortunately, they are now designed to be self-detachable!]

Phoenix: What’s the point of buckling us in anyway? It’s not like we can get a chance to escape at any time…

Edgeworth: Likewise with the detachability.

Speakers: They wouldn’t be proper seat belts if you couldn’t detach them!

Franziska: *whips air* And what is the point of them!? We aren’t in a moving vehicle!

Speakers: I think they look nice…

Maya: At least they’re comfortable.

Speakers: Good, Maya. That’s one grat to you. Keep it up and you’ll gain more!

Maya: Sweet! I’ll be outta here in no time!

All else: …

Chapter 5: Phoenix

Phoenix: Oh, no…

Edgeworth: It was inevitable, Wright… especially after what happened the last two chapters.

Maya: I just hope we don’t see a reappearance of fic-me…

Franziska: We’ve barely touched upon this chapter, and the three of you are already shaken up? Just what sort of fic have I been dragged into this time!?

Phoenix was surprised when he found out that his client was Ted Tonate, but Kristoph just laughed.

Phoenix: Ted Tonate? He was arrested in the first chapter, right?

Speakers: Yep, suspect for killing one of his accomplices.

Maya: Is there a joke I’m missing here? Why is Kristoph laughing?

Speakers: No idea.

Edgeworth: Even you, who has the entire script in hand, have no idea?

Speakers: If it’s not explained in the script, I can’t help you.

Franziska: One sentence. That’s all it took for things to fall apart.

Phoenix: That’s basically the outline for every chapter of this, though.

Franziska: …I now see what’s so dreadful about it.

"How could you kill someone in jail?" He asked.

"He escaped with Lance Amano and Redd White." Gumshoe replied. "And then he killed his accomplices!"

"I didn't kill anyone!" Tonate shouted.

"What about Candice Arme?" Phoenix asked.

"That was last year. Don't use it against me now."

"And you tried to kill Apollo."

"Don't blame him for that." Kristoph said. "If he toned down his Chord of Steel as everybody tells him to, he wouldn't have people trying to kill him."

Maya: …Ouch.

Phoenix: Too bad he’s not here to hear this. I would have liked it to hear him scream his angry complaints.

Franziska: Except there are some people here who rather prefer silence.

Phoenix: (And it’s even worse that he’s not here to be my shield…)

"So what can you tell us about the night of the crime?" Phoenix asked.

"Not a lot, actually." Tonate replied. "It was like a nightmare."

"A nightmare, huh?" Phoenix muttered. And then, a real live nightmare arrived to the Detention Center: Franziska von Karma, whip in hand.

Phoenix: *sweats*

Franziska: …Hmph, so what atrocity has this author made me into?

Edgeworth: A victim of a car accident, supposedly, that permanently scarred a part of you.

Franziska: What? So fic-me is disabled? But the actress onscreen doesn’t look like she is… unless… *crack*

Phoenix: Aiyeeh!

Franziska: Brain damage again!? Will these foolish freelancers ever finish their foolery of accurate characterization!?

Maya: She caught on quick.

Edgeworth: She is a von Karma, after all.

"Gwet ut of hear, you follish foools." She whipped everybody in the room. "Is mi trn to qustion the suspet."

*crack, crack, crack*

Phoenix: Ow! Ow! Ow! I didn’t say anything!

Franziska: It was a reflex.

Phoenix: You hit me thrice!

Franziska: All that proves is it’s more than an intentionally light tap.

Phoenix: …Please, at least try to resist the urge.

They did as she said before someone lost an eye and got out of the Detention Center.

"Well, Phoenix, You're the boss." Kristoph said. "What do we do now?"

Phoenix: Kristoph, asking me for help?

Maya: Imagine that! Someone asking Nick for help!

Franziska: Not to mention, it’s coming from a fellow defense attorney.

Phoenix: Even worse, said defense attorney really hates my guts for what happened to him the year before.

Maya: Hmm… maybe that’s the source of fic-Nick’s slow descent into retardation…

Edgeworth: Oh? You may be onto something there, Maya.

Franziska: Hmph, I always thought stupidity was contagious in its own way…

"We should check the crime scene." Phoenix replied. "Gumshoe, take us there."

"Alright, pal." Franziska had whipped Gumshoe's ear and now it was bleeding.

Edgeworth: *sigh* There’s no end in sight for this man.

Maya: Yeah, it must be awful to get beaten up by a door, and now he’s even bleeding.

Phoenix: “Beaten up by a door” may very well be the answer to a lot of questions in this fic.

Franziska: …What in the world happened in the previous chapters!?

Getting to the crime scene turned out to be an adventure. Gumshoe tripped over and fell over ten times, got lost three times, a burglar stole his wallet, a car rolled him over, but not fast enough to harm him, a bird pooped on his head, a dog peed on his leg, a drunk hobo punched him, a guy who was trying to commit suicide fell on top of him, a building crumbled down when he was standing next to it, five different trickster cheated him and a cat stole one of his shoes.

Maya: …Wow. I’m shocked how one person could even stay standing after all that.

Edgeworth: He’s honestly been through worse... just not in the same span of time.

Franziska: I knew the fool was unlucky, but even I have to admit this is overdoing it.

Phoenix: (Gee, ya think?) I’m wondering how fic-me and Kristoph were even keeping up with all of that.

Maya: Well, someone has to dig him out of the rubble from that building.

Edgeworth: Given this fic, he might as well have dug himself out.

Maya: Did he at least save the guy trying to commit suicide?

Phoenix: It doesn’t say that guy died, so maybe?

Two things about the body captured Phoenix's attention: His earlobes were absurdly big and he lacked an eye. Kristoph knelt down and touched the blood around the eye.

"It's fresh. This man didn't was born one-eyed."

Maya: And I bet this Gavin guy didn’t was born with that grammatical stutter!

Edgeworth: What in the world was the author trying to describe in these sentences?

Maya: A fascination with gore?

Franziska: I can’t believe he’d even touch it! You can clearly see the blood is fresh by the color and scent!

Maya: Or maybe a thirst for blood?

Phoenix: Maya, quit it. We’re not going into vampire territory.

Maya: But you have to admit it’s more exciting that way.

Speakers: +1 grat.

Maya: Whoo! So how many more?

Speakers: Not sure. You’re still amusing to watch, though, so maybe we’ll keep you here for a bit longer.

Maya: …Are you saying these “grats” are just counts for how long before you get bored of us?

Phoenix: In that case, is it even possible for me and Edgeworth to gain any?

Speakers: Sure, you just gotta try somehow!

All: …

"We believe he lost it in the struggle." Gumshoe said. "But we haven't found it around here."

"Interesting." Kristoph muttered.

While they were examining the body, they heard a neigh. Phoenix looked up and saw Jake Marshall riding a horde.

Franziska: A… what?

Maya: That’s a lot of horses. They’re all his?

Phoenix: Apparently.

Edgeworth: And apparently, the horde of horses didn’t create any noise whatsoever before appearing.

Maya: They’re ninja horses! Kay would be proud.

"Officer Marshal!" Phoenix greeted. "Where did you get that horse from?"

Maya: Horde of horses.

Phoenix: I think we should fix the question too.

Franziska: To what? “Where did you get that horde of horses from?” is a perfectly reasonable question here!

Edgeworth: Regardless, I doubt Marshall would give an answer.

"Riding a horse has always been my dream." He replied. "That's how we do things in Texas."

Maya: So he got it from Texas?

Phoenix: He always says something about Texas, but he’s a Californian like the rest of us.

Maya: But he’s like the only guy who dresses up as a cowboy. Didn’t you ever find that odd?

Phoenix: Yes. In fact, lots of things are “odd” about him…

Maya: You know what I think? I think more people should dress up as cowboys.

Phoenix: Don’t look at me like that. I don’t even have the clothes for it!

Maya: I guess that means you’re due for a visit to Lordly Tailor!

Phoenix: Maya, no. I’m not buying any of what you’re thinking.

Maya: You too, Mr. Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: W-why are you bringing me into this!?

"What brings you hear, Marshall?" Gumshoe asked.

"I'm here to inform you, Sheriff. Colias Palaeno has disappeared."

Phoenix: Hm? When did Marshall call Gumshoe anything that was a proper title?

Edgeworth: Especially considering that this one word has been the nicest thing anyone in this fic has done for him so far.

"Ambassador Palaeno? Wasn't he in a official visit to Global Studios?"

Maya: Global Studios!? …Wait, who is that guy again?

Edgeworth: Ambassador Palaeno, from the Republic of Cohdopia. It’s a country set in Eastern Europe.

Maya: …No fair. I’m the Master of Kurain, and yet I don’t get free tours of Global Studios!

Edgeworth: (That he’s even there is more concerning than otherwise…)

"Yes. But while he was reunited with Sal Manella, someone apparently kidnapped him and killed Manella."

Maya: What!? No! What about the Steel Samurai!? What’ll happen to it!?

Phoenix: It’s still property of Global Studios, even if the director changes.

Maya: Oh, whew! All is well.

Phoenix: … (I should probably let that slide before I get into any more arguments about it.)

"Sal Manella is dead?" Phoenix asked.

"Strangled and gutted. A disgusting sight even for a Texan."

"Take me there." Gumshoe ordered, and got on Marshall's horse. "And you two don't tamper with the crime scene."

Maya: Which horse?

Phoenix: The one he’s riding, I guess.

Maya: He’s riding ALL of them!

Phoenix: Maya, he can’t physically sit on all of them.

Edgeworth: But it does explain why his horse keeps changing between his appearances onscreen.

Franziska: Ah… you’re right, Miles. I just noticed it myself.

Maya: Wow. The tech guys here think of everything, don’t they?

"Are you sure that horse can run with the two of you on its back?" Kristoph asked.

"Don't worry. Wayne is the strongest horse at this side of the Mississippi." Marshall replied. "Yeeeha!"

When the horse started running, Gumshoe fell to the ground, and he had to run after Marshall.

Maya: Geez, no slack even from the horse.

Edgeworth: It’s what he deserves for sitting that far back.

"That man is dumb." Kristoph stated.

"But he has a kind heart." Phoenix added.

Franziska: That still doesn’t alleviate his stupidity.

Edgeworth: It does give him some redeemable quality that somehow keeps him his job, though.

Franziska: The same quality could apply to a secretary or a cleaning maid.

Edgeworth: Yes, but Gumshoe is neither a secretary nor a maid. I never employed him to tidy up my office in the first place.

"We should blame Redd White for the murder. He was the one who escaped with the defendant and the dead guy, after all."

Phoenix: I’m surprised the police haven’t even bothered to catch him yet.

Edgeworth: Considering how easily these suspects escaped, it’s not that surprising.

Phoenix: Chances are, he’ll probably be found in another company building or a hotel.

Maya: Ew, it’s like that case all over again…

Phoenix: Sort of, but without the actual tragedy.

"And how are we supposed to do that? He has disappeared of the face of the heart."

Phoenix: …

Maya: And mark! Here’s the beginning of Nick’s descent into retardation!

Franziska: I told you it was inevitable.

Phoenix: …Rather than retardation, it seems more like some kind of speech impediment.

Edgeworth: Wright, do you really want to suggest that fic-you has spasmodic dysphonia over mental retardation?

Phoenix: They’re both horrible, no doubt, but at least with the former, I can still think normally…

Maya: Wait… then what does that make Fic von Karma?

Franziska: We do not speak of her! *crack*

Maya: Eek! Sorry!

"Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix..." Kristoph shook his head. "I still have my contacts. Before they released me, I was told that Redd White sold a ring in Zinc LaBlanc's pawnshop."

Phoenix: What.

Maya: Who’s this LaBlanc guy?

Edgeworth: An international art dealer whom I had the “pleasure” of interrogating during a case of mine.

Franziska: More importantly, how did Kristoph Gavin even come upon this information while still in prison!? He wouldn’t even have a reason to know about that!

Maya: Maybe he was planning to escape himself.

Phoenix: Maya, he was just released to help me on this case. I doubt he’d need to make an escape plan just as he was going free anyway.

Edgeworth: I don’t believe it was ever stated that he was free to go, however…

Speakers: You’re right, Mr. Edgeworth. I believe with this team-up, the author means he has been freed with the precinct’s permission.

Phoenix: …This case is more messed up than I thought.

"LaBlanc, huh? We should pay him a visit."

Phoenix knew who Zinc LaBlanc was thanks to Larry.

Phoenix: W-what!? Edgeworth, you know anything about this?

Edgeworth: That’s what I’d like to know!

He had wasted all his money dating too expensive women and he had to work as a prostitute to pay his debts. He had liked it more than expected and, ironically enough, he now spent his time hanging out with rich men. Currently he was dating the very rich and very gay Zinc Lablanc.

All: …

Franziska: This passage alone is an affront to the entirety of humanity, and I don’t mean the homosexual relations.

Edgeworth: …For once, I’m willing to agree with you on that.

Phoenix: Same here.

Maya: I don’t even know what’s going on anymore, so I’ll just say “me too”…

Lablanc had created an empire of merchants and was the most powerful businessman in the city. He owned all kind of business, but his pawnshop was his headquarters.

When Phoenix and Kristoph entered the shop, they found a shirtless Larry clinging onto Lablanc.

Phoenix: This… this is the stuff of nightmares.

Edgeworth: Why? Why did it have to be Larry of all people…?

Maya: At least it’s not either of you two.

Franziska: Don’t even bring that up, Maya Fey!

Speakers: Yeah, if you keep that up, you’ll soon be eligible to swap with someone else!

Maya: Yes! That option is sounding more tempting by the minute!

Phoenix: (She gets rewarded for bringing us more trauma? I think my grip on this world is slipping…)

"Good evening, Lablanc." Kristoph greeted. "It's been a while."

"What do you want, Gavin?" Lablanc asked. "Every time you come here is for some dirty business."

"I've never seen you complaining."

Edgeworth: I have to doubt that. He’s one of the most easily irritable people I’ve met…

Franziska: Or was it meant as a sarcastic reply?

Edgeworth: Perhaps… but you can never be sure with a fic like this.

"Well, it's over. Last time I almost got arrested. And my darling would be very sad if I got arrested. Right, darling?"

"You bet." Larry replied.

Phoenix: The thumb-up the actor gives only adds to the pain we have to endure…

Maya: It’s actually kinda in character, if you think about it.

Phoenix: I think we’re done thinking about any of it.

"Don't worry, I'm legit now." Kristoph said. "We're investigating a murder case. Is true that Redd White was here yesterday?"

"Yeah. He sold me a ring."

"Can I see it?"

"I'm wearing it right now." LaBlanc showed a brilliant golden ring with a huge red diamond crimped on it."

"Did he told you what was the money for?"

"No. I don't have more time to waste with you. Darling, show them the exit."

Phoenix: No, thanks. I’d rather leave on my own.

"Sorry, Nick." Larry pushed the both of them out of the shop. "I'll see you for Edgey's birthday."

Edgeworth: No. No, you will not. You will stay far, far away from me, you decrepit shell of an imposter.

Maya: …But remember how fic-you was?

Edgeworth: Nonsense, Maya. That man does not exist.

Phoenix: (Wow, he straight-up blacked out that memory.)

"This visit wasn't too useful." Phoenix complained.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Kristoph smiled.

Phoenix: No, it was absolutely useless. Don’t lie to yourself, Kristoph.

[The lights come on for our first intermission.]

Speakers: Well, that passed by faster than I thought it’d take. These chapters have gotten rather short, haven’t they?

Maya: Forget that! When do I get to exchange those grats I got?

Speakers: We ARE in an intermission, missy. Go ahead.

Maya: Sweet! I’m opting out for Apollo!

Phoenix: What? Why Apollo?

Maya: Because you said so yourself! You wanted to see him, didn’t you?

Phoenix: Yeah, well… I didn’t really mean it as dragging him in here with me.

Maya: Too bad you didn’t get the grats to get that choice! Later, guys!

[Then, there’s a bright flash, and in her seat is now another fellow sporker.]

Apollo: W-what the!? What am I doing here!? I wasn’t invited today!

Phoenix: New policy. Anyone who gets these points the Management assigns gets to switch with someone.

Speakers: They’re called “gratitude points”, but we call them “grats” for short!

Apollo: …For a moment there, I thought Mr. Wright was kidding.

Phoenix: I usually don’t do that with this solemn face.

Speakers: Intermission over! Back to work.

[And the lights dim again.]

Apollo: Wait! Can’t I at least know what fic we’re doing!?

Phoenix: Hellspawn.

Apollo: …I shouldn’t have asked.

Phoenix: (Hmm… maybe he could be a replacement for Maya after all.)

Chapter 6: Klavier

Apollo: Oh, great. I just had to show up for a chapter about this guy.

Speakers: It makes me wonder if Maya had planned this out…

Edgeworth: You didn’t provide us with the script this time. How could she have known?

Speakers: Intuition?

Phoenix: (Maya did always say she had a strong sense for these things…)

When Herr Forehead called him, Klavier was in the middle of his beauty sleep, but when he learned that Ema Skye had went missing, he immediately decided to help find her. The face that she'd make when she found out that he was the one rescuing her would be hilarious. And he sure would enjoy having her in debt with him.

Apollo: …You know, for something that’s supposed to be really terrible, this is actually in-character.

Phoenix: I guess someone had to be in-character… at least, until he gets the same treatment later on and throws everything out.

Edgeworth: If you think about it, this method may be crueler than simply starting out OOC, since it becomes a gradual descent into madness.

Franziska: Hard to believe that of all the people chosen to be in-character, it’s this petty prosecutor…

Phoenix: (Oh? Is that a hint of jealousy I hear?)

Franziska: Stop smirking, or so help me, I will whip you even harder!

Phoenix: Yes, sir.

Herr Forehead had told him to meet him in front of Fraülein von Karma's house, but he hadn't bothered to explain why.

Franziska: And what exactly is the point of bringing him to my house, Apollo Justice?

Apollo: Hey, I just got here. How would I know?

When Klavier got there, he was already there with Ema's sister, and some masked Latin. He was going to ask who that man was and why he was there when the door was opened by the most attractive woman he had ever seen. For the way he looked at her, Herr Forehead agreed with him for once.

Phoenix: (Oh… Bad feeling, we meet again…)

Franziska: What? Who is this woman? And what is she doing in my house!?

Edgeworth: That would be… the author’s OC and your supposed other sister.

Franziska: I only have one older sister, and that is NOT her! *crack*

Phoenix: Grk…

Franziska: Besides, there’s nothing particularly outstanding about this lady! Why must she get this sort of description! *crack*

Phoenix: Urgh!

Edgeworth: Well, the actress playing her is simply as she is, Franziska.

Franziska: I’m not talking about that, Miles! *crack*

Phoenix: *whimper* (Edgeworth… don’t egg her on…)

Speakers: …You know, just for this conversation, I am tempted to grant her one grat…

Franziska: Oh? Why the hesitation? …Are you not ENTERTAINED!? *crack, crackity crack*

Speakers: And a beautiful reference for the finish! That makes two!

Franziska: *smirk*

"Lana?” She asked. She not only looked like an angel, but also talked like one. "And I don't think I know these gentlemen."

"This isn't a matter we should discuss in public." Lana replied. "May we come in?"

"But of course." They all entered in the house and introduced themselves. The angel's name was Helena and the masked man called himself Godot. That was a weird name, but Klavier didn't care. He would call him Herr Mask.

Apollo: Better question, why is Mr. Godot even here at all?

Edgeworth: To earn a fan name, apparently.

Apollo: But he doesn’t need one…

They followed Helena along a hallway. "So, what brings you here, Lana? It's always a shock when the Chief of Police knocks at the door."

Edgeworth: Chief of Police? Impressive, considering that it’d be highly unlikely…

Franziska: She was arrested on and pleaded guilty to charges of evidence fabrication, wasn’t she?

Edgeworth: Precisely. As interesting a prospect it’d be for Ms. Skye to return to the police force, becoming Chief of Police is no mere task.

Apollo: Um, sorry to break up your conversation, but Mr. Wright hasn’t gotten back into his seat yet…

Franziska: He’s fine.

Apollo: You sure?

Edgeworth: Wright, get back in your seat. She’s not even whipping you anymore.

Phoenix: …That’s no guarantee for later, but fine…

Apollo: Mr. Wright, why were you just lying there?

Phoenix: I needed a moment.

"My sister is missing." Lana stopped walking next to a staircase. "The last time I saw her, she told me that she had to talk with Franziska about a case they were working on."

"I feel betrayed." Klavier commented.

Franziska: She wasn’t yours to begin with, you ingrate.

Apollo: Ms. von Karma, just curious… Why are you being this hard on him?

Franziska: And why not? I never cared for his rock star persona. What kind of a prosecutor would divide his attention over noisy concerts? The courts are holy gardens of judgment, not the site for theatrics!

Apollo: (She has a good point... but maybe missed out on the irony.)

"I remember it. I heard them talking. It was about the murder of Benjamin Woodman." Helena explained."Apparently, Ema had found evidence that the defendant, Max Galactica, couldn't have killed him. Franziska got furious."

"Can we talk with her?" Lana asked.

"She's not here. But I don't think she can help you. I saw myself how Ema exited this house."

Franziska: …Hmph. Is this a point meant to suggest that I would be a suspect?

Edgeworth: Perhaps, but it seems your imaginary sister’s testimony has already cleared your name.

Franziska: That’s pathetic. If fic-me is indeed innocent, she would not need to rely on testimony, but hard evidence.

Phoenix: Are you actually suspecting fic-you to be responsible?

Franziska: What’s so wrong about that? I don’t associate myself with the likes of her!

Phoenix: Er, it’s just a hunch, but… if fic-you is arrested after all, I think that lisp might just be the beginning of something worse…

Franziska: …

Phoenix: (Wow, she’s so troubled, she’s not even lifting that whip.)

Franziska: I-it’s not that troubling! I’ve sat through much worse before!

Helena had just finished talking when a little girl ran down the staircase, stepping only in one of every five steps. She probably was the same age as Trucy Wright and she looked like a teenage version of Franziska von Karma, but with brilliant dark red hair.

Phoenix: (Geez, be careful. That’s one easy way to slip and fall.)

Franziska: And just who is THIS supposed to be?

Edgeworth: …I haven’t a clue. Perhaps another sister?

Franziska: Just how many fictional sisters are we going to have!?

"Helena, look what I've found on Franziska's desk." She handed a paper to her. Apparently she hadn't noticed the rest of them.

Helena looked at her and sighed. "Rose, You know you're not supposed to come down here when we have guests."

"I-I'm sorry." She looked down, visibly sad. Suddenly, a very lame dog that someone should really put down came running and started shaking its tail. The girl crouched to pet it.

Franziska: Oh, for goodness’ sake! What is that mangy mutt!?

Edgeworth: I believe that’s supposed to be Phoenix.

Franziska: Our perfect little pet is nothing like this decrepit old relic! Don’t even compare them, Miles!

Apollo: Uh… what “Phoenix” are we talking about?

Edgeworth: The von Karmas have a dog with that name.

Apollo: Oh.

Phoenix: Come on, Apollo. Why would Ms. von Karma ever refer to me as “perfect”?

Franziska: I have to admit that this fic does well to capture your image, however.

Phoenix: …Let’s agree to disagree there.

"Who's this girl?" Lana whispered.

"Why don't you go outside and play with Phoenix, Rose?" Helena suggested. The girl obeyed silently. "She's my half-sister."

Edgeworth: As I thought, another sister. They just keep coming, don’t they?

Franziska: Hmph. This author is just desperate for filler and filler characters.

Phoenix: Pretty much. There’s no other reason for why it lasts a whole 55 chapters.

Franziska: F-fifty five!? We have to sit through that much more!?

Apollo: (At least it isn’t more than 80 like a certain other fic…)

"I didn't knew you have a half-sister."

"It's something we try to keep a secret."

"Why?" Herr Forehead asked.

Apollo: Good question.

Phoenix: If it was as simple as a secret affair, she probably wouldn’t be introduced at all.

Franziska: Of course, she’s going to be part of some subplot that doesn’t relate at all to the overarching one… if there even is one.

Edgeworth: From what we’ve seen thus far, there isn’t. It’s basically a jumbled collection of stories in terrible taste.

Franziska: …No wonder the author managed to go 55 chapters.

"When my mother died, my father felt really lonely, and he fell in the embrace of another woman. The problem was that she was too young for him."

"How young?" Klavier asked.


"WHAT!?" Herr Forehead's voice was too loud, as always. "THAT'S TOO YOUNG!"

Apollo: Hey! I don’t always shout like that… but fourteen?

Phoenix: (Huh, I never would have imagined von Karma to be that desper-) Yipes!

Franziska: That’s because he never was! Keep your fact and fiction apart!

Phoenix: (…I wasn’t even making that obvious of a face…)

"That's why their relationship didn't last long. But she got pregnant. She staged a false kidnapping to hide from his father because he was a really important person. He was called Hawthorne, if I recall correctly."

Franziska: What? Just whose father are we referring to?

Edgeworth: Helena is the one who’s speaking.

Franziska: Yes, but I was referring to the ambiguity of writing “his father” in there!

Edgeworth: Isn’t that just a typo?

Phoenix: I sure hope it is… the implications are too gross to consider.

Franziska: This author is absolutely aggravating… first, the obvious misspelling with “heart” instead of “earth”, and now this…

"Interesting." Godot's mask started smoking.

Apollo: “Useless tie-in” is more like it. Am I missing something here or what?

Phoenix: …It’s nothing you need to know.

"The woman didn't want to play mother, so she abandoned the child at our house. My father accepted to raise her, but always considered her a shame and never allowed her to go out of the house. When he died, she moved here with Franziska."

"A heartwarming story." Godot slurped some coffee. "But I'm the only one wondering about that paper?"

"Actually, I'd like to know what's that about, too." Herr Forehead said.

"I don't know, but this isn't Franziska's calligraphy." Helena said.

Apollo: Um… is that paper really that important?

Phoenix: It was found on Franziska’s desk and isn’t her writing.

Apollo: So… someone put it there, even though Ms. von Karma was expected to be out investigating a case.

Phoenix: It could have been put there prior.

Apollo: Then, that means it shouldn’t have anything to do with this current case, right?

All: …

Phoenix: Never underestimate the extent of convenient coincidences a badfic author will go.

Apollo: Right…

Then she started reading aloud. "If you're wondering what happened to the science, you must travel to the sun and find the seven treasures. But that, by no means, will be an easy task. You must visit the Park of All. You must explore the limits of the universe. You must drop by the flower and the butterfly. You must find the monster of the lake. You must watch the beauty of the twelve lords of the sky. You must journey to the Mountain of the Nuns. You must see the Wonders of the Top. Only when you put all the pieces altogether, the truth will be revealed."

All: …

Franziska: *whips air* What in the world in this!?

Edgeworth: A… riddle, it seems.

Franziska: And why would it be on my desk!?

Edgeworth: I can’t answer that.

Franziska: None of this makes any sense! Phoenix Wright, do something!

Phoenix: What am I supposed to do?

Franziska: Object! Isn’t that what you usually do!?

Phoenix: Um… but there’s no contradiction.

Franziska: Oh, you’re useless! *crack*

Phoenix: Oof… (Even now, those pointless puzzles show up from nowhere and haunt me…)

"Do you think it's a clue for Ema's location?" Lana asked.

"That's how it sounds." Helena replied. "It looks like Luke Atmey is behind this."

Franziska: Who…?

Phoenix: …No one you want to know.

Franziska: And how does she know just by reading it!?

Phoenix: No idea.

Franziska: …You have no place being here, do you?

Phoenix: That’s harsh… (But I can’t say I do either.)

"What do you think it means?"

"The only thing I'm sure about is that the sun means the Sunshine Coliseum."

"We have to get there! Anyone has a driver license!?"

"I have one." Godot finished his coffee. "But it's been a while since the last time I drove."

Apollo: Oh, no. Whenever someone says that in a movie, it’s a disaster.

Franziska: Pah, better a disaster that cleans up the oversaturated cast than the calamity that’d follow if they weren’t scattered.

Phoenix: (Sadly, “oversaturated” is an understatement in this case.)

Helena passed him a key chain. "Take Miles' Car. He'll be glad to help."

Edgeworth: No! Don’t you dare!

Franziska: What are you getting so riled up about? It’s not your actual car.

Edgeworth: That’s beside the point! We don’t need to see anything resembling my car caught up in a crash!

Phoenix: (It’s just a car.)

Edgeworth: …Wright, if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, I will ask Franziska to deal another heavy blow.

Phoenix: (Geez, you people! Can’t I think in peace anymore!?)

Lana, Apollo and Godot got into the Chief Prosecutor's car, but Klavier preferred to ride his hog. He was very glad he chose to do that when he got near the Sunshine Coliseum. Godot had crushed into another car. A police officer was questioning him and a medical team was treating the injured. Herr Forehead had apparently broke one of his legs and a man he recognized as Spark Brushel was unconscious and bleeding a lot.

Edgeworth: …

Apollo: S-Spark Brushel…?

Phoenix: Wow, what a cluster.

Franziska: …Miles, should I whip this whelp after all?

Phoenix: What? B-but…

Edgeworth: …No. Just leave me alone for now…

Phoenix: (Whew.)

Without Godot and Apollo, Lana and Klavier had to search the Coliseum on their own. They didn't find anything until they looked into the basement, and then they found something that they didn't expect: The Former Head of the Cosmos Space Center, tied and gagged. He had a post-it stuck on his forehead that read 'I am the key'.

Franziska: What? What is even happening right now??

Phoenix: It looks like even the Space Center isn’t free from this fic…

Apollo: Who knows, maybe even that old guy at the noodle stand won’t be…

Phoenix: Nah, I doubt it. He’s not a major enough character. Besides, the last thing we need here is more… salt.

All: …

Franziska: *grips whip tightly* I will whip you until you are unconscious.

Phoenix: W-wait, can’t we discuss this peacefully…?

Franziska: I don’t want to hear your excuses! *crack, crack, cracka crack*

Phoenix: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay! Enough!

Edgeworth: You pulled this one on yourself, Wright.

Phoenix: Ugh… I’m sorry… Please… tell her to stop…

Franziska: And one more for insurance!

*crack, crack, crack… ka-snap*

[The lights come back on… and what a shame. It seems Phoenix Wright is lying on the floor again, but is now actually unconscious.]

Apollo: M-Mr. Wright! Mr. Wright, wake up!

Phoenix: …

Edgeworth: Well, Franziska… you did what you said. But we can’t leave him like this.

Franziska: …Hmph. Very well, I suppose he deserves a rest in the infirmary. Management! *whips air*

Speakers: Yeees…? Oh, dear. Has another bird fallen from grace… and reality?

Franziska: Forget the metaphors! Send him away for treatment.

Speakers: Hm? But he didn’t actually get enough grats to be sent away…

Apollo: Are you serious right now!? He’s UNCONSCIOUS!

Speakers: Yeesh, inside voices, please. Fine, he’ll get a break, but once he’s awake again, he’s coming back here. Narrator?

[Yes, sir! And with another flash of light, Mr. Wright is sent away to the infirmary… which I didn’t realize we had until now.]

Speakers: Renovations aren’t always obvious, you know. Anyway, there’s something more important to discuss right now.

Apollo: And that is?

Speakers: Ms. von Karma, you are eligible to exchange your spot.

Franziska: W-what? You aren’t messing with me, are you?

Speakers: Nope. While it’s normally a violation to injure a fellow sporker to that extent just now, I’ve decided to let it slide and award you another grat instead.

Apollo: W-what!? How is that fair!?

Speakers: I saw your malicious grins. You all asked for it. Therefore, the whipping that followed does count as “lightening up the mood” after that awful joke.

Apollo: Uh… I can’t disagree with you about that… but this still doesn’t feel right.

Speakers: When does it ever? Anyhow, Ms. von Karma, your choice?

Franziska: …Hmm. I suppose this would be a good time to call him here again… Detective Scruffy.

Apollo: Scruffy?

Speakers: Excellent choice! Enjoy the rest of your day!

[There’s another flash, and a familiar face has returned.]

Gumshoe: Whoa, pal! Hey, what’s the big idea!? I wasn’t invited here this time! ...Oh, Mr. Edgeworth, sir!

Edgeworth: Detective Gumshoe. (Figures… Franziska would turn to another of her victims…)

Gumshoe: And you’re with… uh… who is this kid again?

Apollo: Apollo Justice. I work for Mr. Wright.

Gumshoe: Oh, yeah, that’s it! Man, what’s with Mr. Wright and his friends with their weird names?

Apollo: (You’re one to talk!)

Gumshoe: Let me tell ya, pal, Mr. Wright and I go a ways back! We’re rivals, you see? Why, I remember our first encounter…

Speakers: Alright, we’ve spent long enough. Let’s get back to it.

Gumshoe: …Geez, can’t a pal at least finish his story before he’s teleported into a theater?

Apollo: It’s okay, Detective. I’ve heard the story from Mr. Wright already.

Gumshoe: If you say so, sport.

Apollo: (…Did he really just call me “sport”?)

Gumshoe: Anyway, Mr. Edgeworth, what’s the situation, sir?

Edgeworth: It’s a terrible fic named “The Hellspawn”… and it’s worse than it sounds.

Gumshoe: Ouch. I’m already regretting showing up.

Edgeworth: (It’s not like you had a choice.)

Chapter 7: Pearl

Apollo: Uh… this doesn’t look good. (At least Mr. Wright and Ms. Fey aren’t here to see it.)

Gumshoe: Oh, hey! We’re on chapter 7 already? And it’s about that cute kid!

Edgeworth: Detective, if you must know, it’s a recurring theme in this fic that the titular character undergo something terrible. This is not a good sign.

Gumshoe: Oh, no… you mean it’s THAT kind of bad?

Edgeworth: (What else did you expect!?)

Pearl gave the money to the bartender. He was an ugly man with a very long light brown beard and was wearing a very weird pair of glasses. She grabbed the two cups and went back to her table. After her, she could hear that judge with the blond beard buying a coffee. Aside from them, there weren't any more clients in the Courthouse Café so early.

Gumshoe: Wow. I didn’t know the courthouse had a café!

Edgeworth: Actually, there used to be one in the cafeteria, but it went out of service.

Gumshoe: Really? Why’s that, sir?

Edgeworth: I’ve heard that ever since Godot appeared in the Prosecutor’s Office, people have not been enjoying their coffee nearly as much…

Gumshoe: Oh, wow. That’s kinda sad.

Edgeworth: …Not that I would know how good their coffee is. I’ve never stopped by myself.

Pearl didn't like the bitter taste of coffee much, but it was a good way to wake up the senses. John, however, loved it. He started drinking without even adding any sugar in. Pearl didn't know how he could do that. Her coffee was three quarters milk, and then she added so much sugar that a diabetic could die just by smelling it.

Gumshoe: Um… that’s probably not good for her health.

Edgeworth: “John”…? (Where have I heard that name before?)

"When the hell is this shit going to start?" John asked.

"Be patient, damn it." Pearl scolded. "And watch your fucking language."

Gumshoe: Whoa! That came outta nowhere.

Apollo: By now, we expect things like this.

Gumshoe: Is this a recurring thing in this fic, pal?

Apollo: Yeah, but it’s more about how everyone’s completely OOC.

Gumshoe: That’s just terrible! What kind of sick psychopath would turn such a cute, sweet kid into this!?

Edgeworth: Detective… I know it’s been a while since you’ve last been here, but even you should remember where we are.

Gumshoe: O-of course, sir, but my point still stands!

Edgeworth: Just making sure. (…Hmph, I’ve been hanging around this place for too long. I almost exaggerated his actual level of incompetence…)

There were two things Pearl didn't like about her boyfriend: His foul mouth and that he slept with so many women, but she let that one slide because it was his job. He was a porn actor, after all. He had appeared in a real movie when he was young: The Great Monster Moozilla, but his career had gone downhill since then.

Apollo: Uh, what?

Edgeworth: No… It was THAT John!?

Gumshoe: Moozilla? Wait, that was that movie made by Global Studios, right sir?

Edgeworth: Yes… and the lead actor was a boy named John Marsh. Apparently, the author decided to ship him with Pearl for reasons beyond me.

Gumshoe: Sheesh! I wouldn’t have figured that the kid would grow up to be such a potty-mouth.

Edgeworth: (…Well, incompetence aside, there’s still his all-too familiar loose grip on reality.)

Apollo: Sorry to bring it up, but the bit with the “porn star” is a typo, right…?

Edgeworth: …We all wish it were, Justice.

"That trial better be cool."

"Mr. Nick's trials are always cool."

A brown-haired man wearing a blue uniform and a red cape approached them. He was carrying a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.

Gumshoe: What the? Hey, isn’t that…?

"Excuse me, lady. My name is Sebastian Debeste." He introduced himself. Pearl knew his name. He had been following Mystic Maya and declaring his love for her one time after another, but she always ignored him. Pearl approved that, because Mystic Maya only belonged to Mr. Nick.

Gumshoe: Yeah, that Debeste kid, who’s always saying how he’s the best and all. When did he get to know Maya?

Edgeworth: Detective… are you asking that as a rhetorical question?

Gumshoe: Huh? No, sir. It’s an honest, 100% legitimate question!

Edgeworth: …

Gumshoe: Oh, er… I mean, I was just curious… that’s all, sir.

Edgeworth: *sigh* As far as I know, he and Maya have never met. Debeste doesn’t seem like the type to fall in love with someone so easily, so this scenario is but a shipper’s fantasy.

Apollo: Well… not that this author is shipping them, but I get your point.

Speakers: Who knows, maybe in some alternate reality, she joined Kay in some adventures and…

Edgeworth: Spare me your inane fanfiction! You’re the management of the Sporking Theater, for goodness’ sake!

Speakers: …But I swear I’ve seen them hanging out a lot around here…

"I saw that you came here with Maya Fey. Can I talk with her?"

"I don't know where she is right now." Pearl replied. It was true. Short after they entered the courthouse, they had met an interpol agent that was apparently an acquittance of Mr. Edgeworth.

Gumshoe: Uh, what’s an “acquittance”?

Edgeworth: I believe that should say “acquaintance”, but it’s been combined with “acquittal”.

Gumshoe: Well, that’s silly! Prosecutor Edgeworth is a prosecutor, not a defense attorney! He wouldn’t go for an acquittal!

Apollo: Or… was the author trying to say someone you previously had prosecuted, but was acquitted?

Edgeworth: If it’s the same Interpol agent as the one I’m thinking of, then that doesn’t make sense either.

After a few hours making fun of him and some minutes making fun of Miss von Karma, both him and Maya got out of the café laughing together, and she hadn't seen them since then.

Apollo: Wait, wait… who is who in this sentence?

Edgeworth: …I think the author meant that they were making fun of Debeste, despite how it looks otherwise, and then the agent and Maya left together.

Apollo: Oh, boy… Given how Maya has been shown previously, that isn’t good…

Edgeworth: Please, Justice, don’t remind me…

Gumshoe: Huh? What are you talking about, pal?

Apollo: Er… you don’t want to know. Trust me.

"Oh." Debeste looked depressed, but he recovered quickly and left the café with a smile on his face, probably to keep looking for Maya.

Pearl looked at the clock on the wall and realized that it was 10:30 already. The trial was probably starting and they were going to be late. She gulped what was left of her coffee and dragged John to the courtroom. All the best seats were already occupied and they had to seat in the last row of the gallery, but they could see nicely anyways. When they sat down, Ms. Von Karma was giving the opening statement.

Gumshoe: Oh! Ms. von Karma is leading the prosecution this time?

Edgeworth: … (I’ll just let him see for himself what this entails…)

"The nit of the crim, the defandent escaeped prison with ohter to inemates." She explained. "The procution is unreservedly certian that Ted Tonate kiledd then boht."

Gumshoe: …Um.

Apollo: Good thing Ms. von Karma isn’t here anymore. She’d probably be whipping everyone for this…

Gumshoe: Y-yeah, pal… but what is she saying here?

Edgeworth: Just to catch you up, Detective… A man named Ted Tonate, who was a former bomb disassembly agent of Special Forces, has been accused of the murder of Lance Amano, son of the former head of the Amano Group. The defense, however, has considered another suspect, Redd White, formerly of Bluecorp.

Gumshoe: Huh, a bomb disassembly… whoa! You mean there’s a bomb somewhere here!?

Edgeworth: …On second thought, just sit quietly and watch.

"Objection!" Mr. Nick shouted. "Redd White's state is unknown."

"Thge dafendent claerly hid the daed budy, along Lance Emano's eye." Ms. Von Karma whipped him.

"I'm not sure if I like whipping in the courtroom." The judge was the one with the blond beard. She whipped him, too. Mr. Gavin seemed to find the situation hilarious.

Apollo: …Mr. Gavin sure likes to laugh a lot. It’s almost creeping me out.

Edgeworth: Those years in prison certainly wouldn’t have done him well either…

Gumshoe: Prison? Wait, who was this guy again, sir?

Edgeworth: A defense attorney.

Apollo: That I used to work for. He was arrested for multiple murders.

Gumshoe: W-wait a sec, pal! Did you say “multiple murders”!? Then, what’s he doing out of prison!?

Edgeworth: This author loves to bring in people for little reason, even if it wouldn’t make sense for them to show.

Gumshoe: Er… so is he a good guy or bad guy in this?

Apollo, Edgeworth: …

Apollo: Well, whatever he is, he’s not really trustworthy…

"The prositutiton callz Duck Gamsho to the the stant." Ms. Von Karma said.

Edgeworth: Even with that awkward lisp, she of all people would have at least tried to correct herself.

Gumshoe: Yeah, pal! It’s “Dick Gumshoe”! Get it right!

Edgeworth: (Actually, that mistake would have passed just fine with her.)

Gumshoe: But I always found it weird that “prostitution” and “prosecution” were so similar. Do they have some sort of story behind them, sir?

Edgeworth: Considering that the words share no common root, I doubt it.

Gumshoe: Oh, whew. That’s good to hear!

Edgeworth: Hm? What’s that sigh of relief?

Gumshoe: Er, it’s nothing, sir. And now that I think about it, it wouldn’t make sense that prosecutors would resign themselves to the law in that way!

Edgeworth: … (The best course of action at this moment is probably to pretend I didn’t hear that.)

"So be it." The judge banged his gavel.

Mr. Scruffy Detective walked to the stand, but he accidentally hit it with his foot and let out a scream of pain.

Gumshoe: Ouch… what are the odds of that happening?

Apollo: Believe it or not, this is actually one of the more fortunate things that this fic has done to fic-you…

Gumshoe: Well, you’re right, pal! I can’t believe it! How much bad could a fic do to ol’ Gumshoe!?

Apollo, Edgeworth: …

Edgeworth: Let’s not get into those details, Detective.

Gumshoe: …I didn’t even hear any of it, and that already doesn’t sound good…

"Witless, stat you're naem and ocupacion." Ms. Von Karma ordered.

Gumshoe: Um… was that typo, the first one, intentional?

Apollo: Probably… definitely.

Edgeworth: Even the woman herself could have said as much, and the court wouldn’t bat an eye.

Gumshoe: Oof… So it’s only because she wants to stick to formalities that she doesn’t?

"My naem is Dick Gumshoe and my ocupacion is detective." He replied. She whipped him because she thought that he was making fun of her, but he probably was just dumb.

Gumshoe: Hey, pal! I wouldn’t do that even if I was that dumb! …not that I’m saying I am. She’d have my salary cut to minimum wage or worse…

Edgeworth: (…Too bad that’d be a lenient slight from her point of view.)

"Expilan the case to the cort. Your the only vitnes of the protution, so ya bedder convincie evereone that the daefundant is gilty."

"Yes, sir!"

"What an asshole." John muttered. Pearl smacked him.

Gumshoe: Hey, pal. Given who’s prosecuting, I can’t exactly say “no”.

Apollo: If the Detective is the only witness, does that mean no one actually saw the crime take place?

Edgeworth: That’s what it seems like. If I recall correctly, the crime took place late at night at the outskirts of a prison. It makes sense that very few people would be around to witness it.

Speakers: Actually, according to the first chapter, it took place far away from the prison, judging by how long their escape tunnel was.

Apollo: What? Then that makes even less sense!

Speakers: They ended up in a dark alley somewhere, and were still ambushed by some evil clergymen or something.

Edgeworth: …I think that’s enough. It’s probably for the best we skipped over the chapter.

Speakers: See? I always have your best interests in mind when I select material!

All: …

"The night of the crime, Ted Tonate, Lance Amano and Redd White escaped prison. Redd White is missing, but Lance Amano is dead. When Ted Tonate was arrested, he was next to his body and had some blood on him. We think it got on him when he pulled out Amano's eye during a fight."

"Objection!" Mr. Nick yelled. "That couldn't have happened that way."

"Brojection!" Ms. Von karma shouted. "You can't proof thast."

Apollo: “Brojection”?

Gumshoe: Hey, it’s kinda like an objection but between bros!

Apollo: But Ms. von Karma is neither a man nor friendly toward Mr. Wright…

Gumshoe: …Well, maybe she’s a bit friendlier in this case?

Edgeworth: No, I’m sure she’s quite the opposite, Detective. That lisp of hers certainly doesn’t ease her mood either.

"Yes, I can! According to the autopsy report, the eye was pulled out postmortem!"


"What!?" The judge was shocked. "This fact completely turns around the case!"

Apollo: Well, that was easy.

Gumshoe: Too easy, pal. And did fic-me just topple over from that?

Edgeworth: Understandable, since fic-Franziska seemed to have had some sort of aneurysm.

"I think this circus is a bit unnecessary, Your Honor." Mr. Gavin cut in. " I mean, it's funny and all, don't misunderstand me, but I have with me a little piece of evidence that can solve this case."

"Show it to the court, then."

Gavin pulled out a brilliant ring with a huge red diamond on it. "I found this ring inside Lance Amano's eye hole. I've investigated, and it belongs to Redd White, which proves that he's the culprit."

All: …

Gumshoe: I don’t get it, pal.

Apollo: Me neither.

Edgeworth: …Management, was this detail about the ring present since the first chapter?

Speakers: Nyyope.

Edgeworth: Figures.

Apollo: How did Mr. Gavin even get the ring in the first place? I don’t think that LaBlanc guy seemed all that happy to share it.

Edgeworth: Knowing who we’re dealing with, it might even be a forgery.

Apollo: And who’d he have to meet to get that?

Edgeworth: I can’t answer that. How this author’s mind even works is still a mystery to me.

"How comes that the police didn't find it?"

"That has an easy explanation, Your Honor: This detective is dumb."

Gumshoe: Hey! Anyone could have found that ring, pal! It was right in the victim’s eye-hole!

Apollo: Well, if it’s a forgery, it probably wasn’t.

Gumshoe: …Then, he’s lying, pal!

"I'm not dumb, pal!" Scruffy shouted. "AAAAAAAARHG! I bit my tongue!" A lot of blood started to come out of his mouth, and a nurse had to come and bandage his tongue. Then she accompanied him out of the courtroom.

Gumshoe: …How the heck did that just happen?

Apollo: That seemed a little excessive for biting his tongue…

Edgeworth: Well, there goes the prosecution’s only witness. I bet the trial will have ended right here.

Speakers: Oh, wouldn’t you know?

"Well, I think there's no reason to further prolong this trial. This court finds the defendant, Ted Tonate..."

"SPOT, Your Honror!" Ms. Von Karma screamed. "Your commetin a hug misdtaek."

Apollo: For a moment there, I thought she said “commenting”.

Edgeworth: It might as well have said as much. At this point, there’s no arguing with the defense’s cheap ploys.

Apollo: To be fair, Mr. fic-Wright has been almost in-character up to now.

Edgeworth: I don’t doubt that… but even he’s not this asinine as to let Gavin’s evidence slide.

The judge stopped his gavel in mid-air. At first, Pearl thought that she was obeying Ms. Von Karma because he was afraid of her whip, but then trickles of blood started coming out of his mouth, ears and nose. Finally, his eyes went blank and he fell on his desk.

All: Huh?

Gumshoe: Whoa! What happened to the judge!?

Apollo: That’s awful… especially that it came out of nowhere. Is this going to be linked to the current case somehow?

Edgeworth: It certainly caught me off guard… that image of the judge shifting between a woman and a man is more unsettling than it should be.

Apollo, Gumshoe: …

Gumshoe: Um, sir? What are you talking about?

Apollo: Wait, did the judge really change gender? I didn’t catch it.

Edgeworth: For a brief moment, yes. After he reverted, then came the spontaneous bleeding.

Apollo: Wow… the tech guys really think of everything, don’t they?

[The lights light up… but there’s still one more chapter to go!]

Apollo: Still!? How long have we been here anyway!?

Speakers: A good several hours. Think of it as a very long movie.

Edgeworth: You weren’t exaggerating when you said you would provide us with “more material”…

Speakers: I wouldn’t exaggerate about that. I’ve been really getting into the mood so far! It’s so enticing to see sporkers come and go…

Edgeworth: Speaking of coming and going, how goes Wright?

Apollo: Ack! (I can’t believe I almost forgot about him!)

Gumshoe: Huh? What happened to Mr. Wright, sir?

Speakers: He’s still asleep, or so the nurses say. But we could bring him back if you miss him already.

Edgeworth: Hmph. Whether he’s back or not matters little to me. At least let him rest until he’s ready…

Speakers: Well, I’d be glad to oblige you, Mr. Edgeworth! Narrator~!

[Another flash fills the room, and Phoenix Wright falls into a nearby seat. The fall seems to have woken him.]

Phoenix: Bwah!? …What? Oh, come on. I’m still here?

Edgeworth: (…As usual, they didn’t listen to a word I said.)

Phoenix: Detective Gumshoe? What are you doing here?

Gumshoe: I just got zapped in here, pal. What happened to you?

Phoenix: I got severely whipped…

Gumshoe: Yeesh. You have my sympathies, pal. Say, where is Ms. von Karma?

Edgeworth: Out. She exchanged her spot with you.

Gumshoe: What!? She could do that!?

Speakers: It’s a new policy I’ve instated. After every chapter we complete, we get to switch a character with another based on their choice.

Apollo: Huh? But don’t we need those “grats” you keep talking about?

Speakers: The grats have become obsolete. It’s a pain when none of the sporkers are as peppy as some others…

Apollo: Geez… You’re the one who instated them in the first place!

Speakers: Alright, it’s time for the final stretch. Brace yourselves, gentlemen!

Phoenix: So, which chapter are we on now?

Edgeworth: The 8th.

Phoenix: Wow. We’ve been in for the long haul, huh?

Edgeworth: At least you were fortunate enough to sit out for a chapter. I’ve been here since the beginning.

Phoenix: (At least you were fortunate enough to NOT get whipped at all!)

Gumshoe: You missed a really bad trial, pal. I can’t believe how much a fic can hate on me…

Phoenix: A trial? It’s gone to court already? What about the investigations?

Apollo: Who knows? We keep jumping between scenes without any transition… or explanation, really.

Phoenix: (…Welp, I guess I’m as good as caught up.)

Chapter 8: Raymond

Edgeworth: Hm? So we’re now moving to the Shields-Cykes team?

Speakers: You have no idea how much I wanted to bring Mr. Shields in for this.

Phoenix: What’s stopping you?

Speakers: The new policy.

Phoenix: The one that you instated.

Speakers: Hey, I’m just following the rules like everyone else. Besides, it’s been a while since the good detective has shown up. Why not let him stay for another round?

Gumshoe: Er, you really don’t need to worry about me, pal.

Speakers: It’s less about you and more about how you annoy Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: The management’s boorish comment will be duly noted.

Thena-pie looked nervous. Raymond was kind of nervous, too. The prosecutor was Winston Payne, and that was always a good thing, but he wasn't used to this format of trials. The jurist system was still on test phase and only a few trials a year used it.

Edgeworth: The Jurist System makes an impromptu return.

Phoenix: It’s too bad I’m no longer part of that committee. They haven’t been keeping me up on the latest.

Edgeworth: Most likely because there’s little to “keep up”. You do realize the investigations that went into your test trial may have hampered your efforts?

Phoenix: Yeah… but it was the only way to catch that guy.

Apollo: Mr. Wright… That ulterior motive of yours is probably what Mr. Edgeworth is getting at.

Phoenix: I know, but my point still stands.

Gumshoe: …Um, pals? I feel like I’m being left out…

Edgeworth: Don’t concern yourself over it, Detective. It’s beyond your timeline.

But he could see them there, behind the judge: the thirteen members of the jury. He happened to know two of them: Nicole Swift and Delicia Scones. And apparently one of them was a friend of Thena-pie, but the other ten were complete strangers, aside from the famous actor Will Powers and the singer Lamiroir. They were chatting among them, but they stopped when the judge banged his gavel.

Phoenix: Wow, even Mr. Powers and Lamiroir were dragged into this.

Edgeworth: At least it’s an easy excuse to introduce characters that don’t get much representation.

Apollo: By “a friend” of Athena’s, does the author mean Juniper or…?

Phoenix: Eh, maybe. Does it really matter, though?

Gumshoe: …I don’t recognize a single face in there, pal.

Phoenix: Uh, Detective… what about Will Powers?

Gumshoe: …That name sure sounds familiar. Where have I heard it?

Edgeworth: You were the lead detective on several cases where he appeared as a witness, you fool!

Gumshoe: Ah! You mean THAT Mr. Powers!?

Phoenix, Edgeworth: Who else!?

"The court is now in session for the trial of Valant Gramarye." He declared. "I've been told that this isn't a murder trial, as usual."

"That's right, Your Honor." Payne explained. "This is a child abuse trial."

"What kind of abuse?"

"Sexual abuse."

Phoenix: Oh, dear…

Apollo: Valant Gramarye, accused of sexually harassing a child? Wow, I don’t think I can believe any scenario this author uses to justify that.

Phoenix: Likewise with just about every other case so far in this fic.

Apollo: Yeah, but at least with the previous trial, the detective on the case was Gumshoe.

Gumshoe: Hey, pal. What’s that supposed to mean?

Apollo: No offense to you, of course. I was referring to how much the author likes to abuse you.

Gumshoe: Ah. Yeah, you have a point, pal. One of these days, I should arrest that person for putting me through all that!

Edgeworth: (If there’s anyone to arrest, it would be our dear management for forcing us to sit through it in the first place.)

Speakers: We do this because we love you all.

Edgeworth: You of all people have no right to say that in any situation!

"Oh, my! This is a very serious matter. Please, give the opening statement."

"As you please, Your Honor. The victim is the defendant's son, Daryan Crescend. When he was a kid, Mr. Gramarye abused him during all of his childhood. He was so traumatized, that when he saw him again in jail, he tried to commit suicide."

Apollo: What.

Phoenix: Daryan Crescend… that’s a name I haven’t heard in a while.

Gumshoe: Someone you know, pal?

Phoenix: He was previously an Interpol agent who worked as a detective alongside Prosecutor Gavin, but was arrested for smuggling illegal substances into the country.

Gumshoe: Oh… so how does he relate to this Grammar… er, Gramarye guy?

Phoenix: I have no idea.

Edgeworth: Hmph. Clearly, he’s now a parent of a prisoner he never personally knew.

Gumshoe: Yeow. Even I felt the biting sarcasm of that, sir.

"Did he die!?"

"No, but he's in a coma. That's why he can't testify. But her mother will do it for him. So, with the court's permission, I call Little Plum Kitaki to the stand." A fat Asian woman took the stand. She was carrying a broom for no reason.

Apollo: I… I don’t even know what’s going on anymore…

Phoenix: Wow… Valant Gramarye and Plum Kitaki? I know it was mentioned earlier that she left her former husband, but…

Edgeworth: It’s interesting in a way. A magician fallen from grace, a former Yakuza wife, and a former Interpol agent come together to form an incredulous dysfunctional family.

Gumshoe: Er, don’t you mean “incredible”, sir?

Edgeworth: No, I mean “incredulous”.

"Witness, state your name and occupation."

"My name is Plum Kitaki and I'm a humbly housewife."

"We'll see about that." Thena-pie muttered.

Apollo: And now Athena seems to hold some sort of grudge against her… even though they’ve never met.

Edgeworth: A lot of these characters seem to have met somehow without any explanation.

Phoenix: And they’re being shipped with each other for just the same non-reasons.

Apollo: Wouldn’t this fic be better off being renamed “Rise from the Hellfire”?

Speakers: …Though that may count as a 4th wall violation, I’m going to let it slide because that actually sounds awesome. Here, have a grat that you won’t be able to use anyway.

Apollo: Uh… thanks.

"What can you tell us about the abuse?"

"It was horrible! Day after day, my poor Daryan suffered the evil deeds of that horrible man! He touched him in unspeakable places and enjoyed himself in his suffering! One day, he forced him to put sunscreen all over his body, and he did the same to him!"

"We were going to the beach!" Gramarye shouted. "Safety first!"

Edgeworth: The defendant will refrain from speaking out of turn.

Phoenix: Now that’s just mean, Edgeworth. It was a perfectly good reason.

Edgeworth: A defendant can come up with any excuse, Wright. The law comes first.

Apollo: (…Somehow, after the trials I’ve had to sit through, I often wonder about that.)

"Can I cross-examine the witness?" Thena-pie asked.

"Go ahead." The judge suggested.

"Ms. Kitaki, How old were you when you gave born to Daryan?"

"Fifteen." Kitaki replied.

Gumshoe: Whoa! Fifteen, pal!? That’s way too early to be having a kid!

Apollo: She was even supposed to be the wife of a Yakuza member… aren’t they supposed to commit seppuku or something if they somehow violated the family’s honor like that?

Phoenix: Maybe that was the reason she left?

Edgeworth: Not to mention, she even had a child named after someone with that exact same name.

Gumshoe: Geez. How old was the kid when he got into Interpol, sir?

Edgeworth: …Detective. You do realize the Daryan Crescend we were talking about is a completely different person?

Gumshoe: W-what? But, sir, you were going on about an Interpol agent in this weird family!

Edgeworth: *twitch* …You were doing just fine detecting sarcasm from me. Why did it all come to a sudden halt…?

Gumshoe: …Um, no need to take it so seriously, sir. I was just playing along.

Edgeworth: …

Phoenix: Whoa. Did I just see Detective Gumshoe dupe Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: You have no say in this conversation!

"Really? Because I have a document here that proves that by that time you were already married to Winfred Kitaki!"


Apollo: Why. Why would she lie about that in the first place?

Phoenix: And to think she was so happy being in the Yakuza. She could flaunt her broom sword as she pleased…

Apollo: …Is that really a reason why people join the Yakuza or Mafia?

Phoenix: Probably?

"What's the meaning of this!?" The judge asked.

"I'll tell you the meaning of this!" Thena-pie said. "This witness isn't reliable! If she can cheat on her husband, then she can lie to us, too!"

Apollo: Um, Athena… that doesn’t explain anything.

Phoenix: This trial is already off to a great start.

Gumshoe: You should have seen the last one, pal.

Phoenix: Well, I’m glad I didn’t…

"By the way, his husband is as gangster. Just saying." Ray added. Everything was going according to plan.

"Objection!" Payne objected. "This has nothing to do with the case."

Phoenix: To think it’d come to the point that I’d have to agree with Payne on this…

Apollo: Seeing how I’m only familiar with the other Payne… is this guy really as wimpy as they say he is?

Edgeworth: That’s putting it mildly.

Phoenix: What he said.

Gumshoe: That coming from the Chief Prosecutor sure has an impact, doesn’t it, pal?

Apollo: …It’s kinda sad, actually.

"You're not better than her." Thena-pie pulled out some pictures. "I have some photos of you hanging around prostitutes. Your wife won't be happy to see them."


Apollo: W-WHAT!?

Phoenix: Uh, you seem more surprised about this than I’d expected you to be.

Apollo: Well, it’s one thing to hear Athena spout nonsense. It’s a whole different thing to see her threaten the prosecution with those kinds of photos.

Phoenix: (Hm, should I tattle on Athena or not? Her reaction would be priceless…)

Apollo: …Mr. Wright, what are you grinning about?

Phoenix: Nothing in particular, Apollo.

"Is this the end of the cross-examination?" The judge asked.

"Yes, Your Honor." Athena nodded. "Now the defense wishes to call Trucy Wright to the stand."

"Fine. Bailiff, summon Ms. Wright!"

Edgeworth: It’s moments like these that make me wonder why I work so hard at what I do…

Phoenix: It’s okay, Edgeworth. Not everyone can last as long as you in that pointless work you do.

Edgeworth: …You’re one to talk, Wright.

Phoenix: Hey. All I do is get my clients off the hook.

Edgeworth: And cross-examine a variety of animals.

Phoenix: Oh, come on. Are you still mad about that?

A Bailiff exited the courtroom to look for Trucy, but he wasn't going to find her, because he was seating in the gallery, waiting for them to call her. She jumped down, walked to the witness stand and gave a huge smile.

"Witness, state your name and occupation." Payne demanded.

"My name is Trucy Wright." She replied. "And I'm the coolest magician in the west."

Apollo: What? No ad for the Wright Anything Agency?

Phoenix: By this point, I’d think we’d be famous enough to get away with stealing Kristoph’s motif.

Apollo: …Even if he may have been a psychopathic serial killer, that’s just low, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: Aw, Apollo! You know I was kidding!

Apollo: (For a moment, I wasn’t too sure.)

"What are you going to testify about?" The judge asked.

Edgeworth: Your Honor, no disrespect intended, but you’re the one who allowed her to take the stand without questioning it at all.

Phoenix: I dunno… I find the judge a bit more charming this way for some reason…

Edgeworth: Because it’s easier for you and your attorneys?

Phoenix: That may have something to do with it.

"You know the defendant, right, Trucy-pie?" Ray asked.

"Yep." She replied. "He's uncle Valant."

"And can you confirm for the court that he's not a child-abuser?" Thena-pie asked.

"Of course!"

"Then please give your testimony." The judge demanded.

Apollo: I know this is advantageous to the defense, and I certainly don’t want Mr. Gramarye to be sent to jail for this ridiculous accusation, but isn’t Trucy a bit too biased as a witness?

Edgeworth: You hear that, Wright? That’s how real attorneys should think.

Phoenix: Edgeworth… I know you’re annoyed at me for earlier, but please don’t underestimate me that much.

"When I was a kid, Uncle Valant used to babysit me a lot. He took me to themes park, to the beach, to the cinema. He even saw me naked once by accident, but he immediately looked away. We were alone a lot of times, but he never tried to abuse me."

Phoenix: …I’m a bit concerned that the author believes something like that “accident” even happened.

Apollo: (Protective dad mode activated.)

"As you can see, the defendant never abused the witness, despite having many opportunities to do so unnoticed." Athena said. "Therefore, he's innocent of the charge of child abuse. The defense rests, Your Honor."

"Well, then it's time for the jury to decide the verdict." The judge banged his gavel. "The court is dismissed until they come to a resolution."

Edgeworth: *sigh*

Phoenix: If all these trials were this easy, I think I’d have had an early retirement already.

Apollo: And then I’d actually have a law firm of my own.

Phoenix: …Getting a little ambitious there, are we?

Apollo: Come on, Mr. Wright. Who’d you leave the law firm to, then? Athena is capable, but she’s not the right type to manage a firm, and Trucy’s not even a lawyer.

Phoenix: (…Dang. He’s got me there.)

Then everybody started to leave the courtroom. The members of the jury had to go back to the jury room to come up with a verdict and the people in the gallery followed them. Even Winston Payne and the judge got out of the room.

Phoenix: Where is everyone going?

Edgeworth: Out.

Phoenix: No, I’m pretty sure they’re going in – into another room.

Apollo: Shouldn’t the jurist chambers keep out everyone else who isn’t authorized!?

Edgeworth: They’re going to hold an entire caucus in there, I suppose.

Phoenix: Geez, I know we live in a democracy, but that’s pushing things a bit far.

Gumshoe: But that’s the best part of it, pal! Now everyone gets a chance to weigh in on the verdict!

Apollo: Um, that’s not how it works.

Edgeworth: That’s one way to stir up chaos. I sincerely hope no one brought snacks to the table.

Apollo: M-Mr. Edgeworth?

Phoenix: Yeah, the only thing they need is a whole crate full of grape juice.

Apollo: Mr. Wright…?

Edgeworth: “Grape juice” again, Wright?

Phoenix: What? Sure beats instant noodles.

Gumshoe: Hey, pal. Don’t mock those who have to live with them all the time.

Phoenix: Sorry, Detective. They’re not that bad after you get used to them.

Gumshoe: Actually, I’d say they’ve had the opposite effect on me…

Apollo: … (Am I the only one who’s still sane here!?)

After a few minutes, the only persons in the room were Ray, Thena-pie and Little Plum Kitaki. Suddenly, she pulled a katana out of her broom.

"You'll pay for humilliating me like that!" She shouted, and tried to slash Athena.

Apollo: Whoa! What??

Phoenix: Wow, suddenly it’s gotten exciting.

Apollo: Mr. Wright, are you doing okay?

Phoenix: Yeah, why?

Apollo: (You sure…?)

She dodged and saved her head, but Little Plum cut her ponytail. Thena-pie punched her and she fell backwards. Then a couple of bailiffs came back because of the noise and dragged Kitaki out. She kept yelling while they did it. "Hear me well, Athena Cykes, I will have my revenge!"

Apollo: Where did the bailiffs go? Weren’t they here?

Edgeworth: They had the right judgment.

Gumshoe: Lunch break?

Edgeworth: Suitable choice.

Phoenix: Speaking of which, it’s gotten pretty late. Hey, Apollo, what’s for dinner?

Apollo: …Please buy your own dinner.

[And finally, the lights turn back on for the last time! An exasperated sigh of relief sweeps through the room… even from the speakers.]

Phoenix: What are YOU sighing about?

Speakers: I’ve never sat around here for so long before. It’s tiring.

Edgeworth: Perhaps you should have considered that before you trapped us in here.

Speakers: But you guys provide so much entertainment, I just couldn’t leave! What if I missed something? I can’t trust you guys to tell me!

Phoenix: And whose fault is that?

Speakers: Yours, duh.

Phoenix: (You little…)

Gumshoe: At least it’s all over, pals! Sure, the fic was bad as usual, but at least we survived!

Edgeworth: Speak for yourself. You only stayed for one chapter. I had to stay for the entire session!

Phoenix: So did I.

Edgeworth: You were in the infirmary for a chapter.

Phoenix: Yeah, because I lost consciousness! And she’s not even here to apologize…

Edgeworth: To be fair, she was the one who told the management to send you away.

Phoenix: Huh? Are we talking about the same person?

Apollo: Yeah, it kinda surprised me too.

Phoenix: …Was it that much of a shock?

Apollo: I didn’t needlessly shout, if you must know!

Speakers: What are you talking about? You yelled at me.

Apollo: That’s completely different, and was what you deserved anyway.

Speakers: You all are so mean… but that’s what I love about you.

Phoenix: (Masochistic management confirmed?)

Speakers: Alright, get out of here, ya needy keeblers. I need to clean up here and I don’t want anyone wandering around while I’m not looking!

Apollo: (What in the world happened in there!? No, wait, I don’t want to know.)

[Our exhausted sporkers gladly take their long-awaited leave. And here we end another wonderful sporking in the Sporking Theater! We hope you enjoyed this long read, and please stay tuned for the next one! Have a pleasant day and the next, everyone!]

Speakers: …Narrator? Have you seen where the Lego box went?

[Um… it should be with you in the surveillance room, sir.]

Speakers: Ah, here we go. I probably shouldn’t have used it as a Frisbee…
The home of the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney blog:
1/3/19 edit: The project has officially been moved to a new blog at Further updates will be pending.

AA fanfiction archive: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369
Yakuza/RGG fanfiction archive: ... /rubia_ryu
My misc translation and work promos here at
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Cause of death is being dummy

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I feel like I've said this before, but: I honestly don't remember what was going on in the fic, and I honestly don't think it matters.

I did burst out laughing at "a horde of horses" though. And I love the 'grats' thing and will probably follow suit/bring them back, with of course some insanely loophole-ridden make-em-up-as-you-go-along 'official' rules... Oh, and the phrase "A disgusting sight even for a Texan." will probably be stolen by me sometime in the near future. Can't say what context, though.
Maybe I should take a chapter of The Hellspawn sometime. It does, after all, have a few certain similarities to a fic I wrote with my brother two years ago, so maybe the Management can gain a unique perspective on it? (Unless that comment just makes someone want to check out the fic I'm responsible for. It's in the fanfiction link in my signature, and I think you'll know which one it is just by looking at the summary... of course, anything I publish is always up for grabs in the sporking theatre, because I mostly deal in crack, www)
In-character Klavier, huh? I'm actually kind of hoping he'll be the Only Sane Man for the rest of the fic, and basically spork it from the inside.
Apollo: Um, sorry to break up your conversation, but Mr. Wright hasn’t gotten back into his seat yet…

Franziska: He’s fine.

Apollo: You sure?

Edgeworth: Wright, get back in your seat. She’s not even whipping you anymore.

Phoenix: …That’s no guarantee for later, but fine…

Apollo: Mr. Wright, why were you just lying there?

Phoenix: I needed a moment.

And poor Phoenix. Poor Gumshoe. :karma: Also also, I don't think I've ever not cracked up at Pearl swearing. "Watch your fucking language" killed me. Goodbye. Like the judge killed by genderbending.

I know I should post a sporking sometime, but I've been really busy lately... writing, editing, reading manga... still, someday I'll find the time to do a Voreland Special, or maybe the next part or two of Turnabout Storm. (Uggh, and I have a special sporking project lined up on my sporkblog as well...)
Great sporking as usual, Rubia~!

Edit: 50 pages! Wow! And to think I started posting here on page five, a year and a half ago...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Avatars are for less anxious people.

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Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2015 7:20 pm

Posts: 171


I really enjoyed this sporking except for two things:

First, could you please not use the r-word? It's a slur.

Second, I think at least Phoenix should have picked up on Rose's mom's identity. The author wasn't very subtle.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Cause of death is being dummy

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Location: Metropolitan Atlanta

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cuteyounggirlplus wrote:

I really enjoyed this sporking except for two things:

First, could you please not use the r-word? It's a slur.

Second, I think at least Phoenix should have picked up on Rose's mom's identity. The author wasn't very subtle.

Shouldn't it be fine in this context, though? It wasn't be used as a pejorative.
(I don't mean to start a debate, I'm just wondering where the line is drawn.)
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Avatars are for less anxious people.

Gender: None specified

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2015 7:20 pm

Posts: 171

Technically the more PC term is "mentally disabled".
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