Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

[DigitalVaporeon]

That's the one, I've never seen a sporking of it in this thread though.

[Skittlemask]

That's the one, I've never seen a sporking of it in this thread though.

That fic was never sporked, not even in the old thread. Maybe Rubia got confused with Law Plus Chaos where Godot was Apollo's father?

[DigitalVaporeon]

Oh yeah! Law Plus Chaos was...Something, soooooomething

[DecisiveWitness]

Special thanks to Dr. Ocsid for helping me out with this fic! I really appreciate all of the advice you gave. This is my first sporking, so I'm a little nervous, but I'd really be grateful for any critiques.

Title: What the Hell

Rating: This fic features some incredibly OOC characters, and just a stupid plot, but thankfully the fic is short, so I'm giving it two Sahwits.

Our sporkers today are...
Phoenix Wright!

"Why do I feel like my reaction to this fic will be the same as the title?"
Trucy Wright!

"At least they said this one was going to be short!"
And... Larry Butz?

"Man, I haven't been here in a while!"

Phoenix: Lucky you.

Larry: I don't see why you always complain about this place. It's free food and entertainment!

Phoenix: (I'm not sure I'd call these fics "entertainment".)

[Trucy comes back from the snack-bar, popcorn in tow.]

Trucy: *munch munch*

Larry: Hey, Nick, you know that cutie?

Phoenix: ...she's my daughter.

Larry: Ack! A daughter? Why wasn't I told about this?

Trucy: Hello, my name is Trucy! You know my Daddy?

Larry: I sure do! Nick and I are best friends! Close pals! Amigos! Name's Larry, Larry Butz!

Trucy: Huh! If you and Daddy are best friends, why hasn't he ever introduced us?

Larry: Eh! Uh, well...

[The lights begin to dim, luckily for Larry.]

Spoiler:

What the Hell-SONGFIC

Larry: So this is going to be a musical? Sweet!

Trucy: I can't wait until the 11 o'clock number!

"Ima go out again Daddy! Bye!" Trucy called from the door.

"Whoa, not tonight." Phoenix ran into the room, sliding on the linoleum in his socks, "We need to talk."

Phoenix: You're gonna "go out"? Go out where, exactly?

Trucy: Maybe I'm going to preform at the Wonder Bar!

Phoenix: I don't know why I'd stop you from going, then.

Larry: Preform? Ah, you're a magician, aren't you?

Trucy: You got it!

Phoenix: (I thought her attire would give that away...)

"But, Daddy!" she whined.

"No. Call who ever you're going to go see because you're not going. Sit down."

Phoenix: I'm worried about where this is going, but considering my past experiences in the sporking theater... it's refreshing to see me portrayed as a concerned parent.

Larry: I still can't believe you're a parent! Who's the lucky lady?

[The room is silent.]

Larry: Eh? What did I say? You can't just leave me hanging like that!

"No! I don't have to sit down if I…disappear!" she threw down a smoke bomb and left out the door. Phoenix walked through the smoke, out the door, grabbed her from behind the potted plant in the hallway, dragged her inside, and sat her down on the couch. "Now. Call them."

Trucy: Wait, I was trying to hide behind a potted plant? If I'm doing a disappearing act, I'd just make a getaway!

Phoenix: Not that you'd have any plans to do that... right sweetie?

Trucy: Of course not Daddy!

Phoenix: (Not that I'd mind breaking out of this place...)

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Phoenix Wright that any attempts to escape the sporking theater will be punished.

Phoenix: (How do they always do that?)

Speakers: The Management would like to ask that Phoenix Wright not think too hard on that.

"No it's fine, won't make a difference." Trucy sighed.

"Oh, yes it does. I know how Cody gets. He's especially mad at you now, over this picture he took." Phoenix pulled out a picture. "I really think your messing with my head. No normal girl can date six guys in two weeks without some form cheating."

Phoenix: *muttering* I knew it... I'm not sure I can take this again...

Larry: Wha? Six in two weeks? Even a charming stud like me couldn't pull that off! Not that I'd want to anyway, I'm completely devoted to my Annabella.

Trucy: Who's Annabella? Your girlfriend?

Larry: She isn't just my girlfriend, she's my soulmate! And she's so beautiful...

Phoenix: (What is this, your 15th soulmate?)

"But! I'm dating Cody! And he's awesome, even though he obsesses over the Steel Samurai. Why would I date six other guys? And you have no proof." She slammed the coffee table for effect.

Phoenix: Wasn't there some photo I had pulled out? I assume that was my proof, but the author wasn't kind enough to show it to us.

Trucy: Six other guys? So, uh, wouldn't that bring the total up to seven?

Larry: Looks like you managed to slip one of these boyfriends past your old pops!

Phoenix: Larry, please don't worry me even more.

Trucy: Daddy, you know that's not me up there! Y-you have nothing to worry about, honest!

Phoenix held up the picture. Trucy was kissing someone much taller with messy, brown hair and an orange leather jacket.

Phoenix: *glares at Larry*

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Phoenix Wright that he must look at the screen at all times.

Larry: H-hey, don't look at me like that! I'm a womanizer, not a little girlinizer! I wouldn't dare hit on your daughter!

Phoenix: (Why don't I believe that... And you wonder why I never introduced you two! )

Trucy: ...

"Why. Are. You. Making. Out. With. Larry?" Phoenix said seriously. "This is hurting people. Love is pain, good or bad. I heard from Cody about these other guys. It's going to stop. NOW."

"But I can't stop, Daddy! I'm just having too much fun!" Trucy grinned and fiddled with her cape.

Trucy: This doesn't sound fun at all... why do all of the authors make me like this?

Phoenix: Maybe because they love seeing me in pain?

"I'm begging you, Trucy. Stay with me, here. You're bound to get your heart broken if you keep this up."

Phoenix: Why am I begging her? She lives in my home, it's not like she has a choice in this.

Larry: She's a magician, can't she just disappear right before your eyes?

Trucy: I'd never abandon Daddy. Without me, he'd probably starve to death!

"Really, Dad. I just need some time to be crazy! What do you old people call it? A phase?"

Phoenix: Hey, I'm not old! I'm only 33!

Larry: Ha! Stop trying to deny it, you're getting old.

Phoenix: And what, you're a spring chicken at 32?

Larry: Age is just a number, I'm still young at heart!

Phoenix: That's not what you were saying earlier!

"But, why Trucy? You've always been so good, but now…" Phoenix trailed off. "I don't want you to become someone like HER." He clenched his fist.

Trucy: Someone like...

Larry and Trucy: HER?

Phoenix: I question that comparison. Even if our relationship... wasn't exactly a "healthy" one, I don't think she ever cheated on me.

Larry: The vaguer you are, the more questions I have! You gotta tell me about this after we're done.

"Daddy. All my life I've been good. My friends, they all have drama and excitement. I feel like I've missed out. Now I'm just thinking, what the hell? What have I got to lose?"

"EVERYTHING!" Phoenix slammed his hands on the coffee table, catching Trucy off guard. "You have everything to lose! You're still just a girl!"

Larry: Why is everybody abusing that poor coffee table?

Phoenix: Larry, yet again you manage to completely miss the point...

Trucy: Besides, my life has tons of drama and excitement! I get to preform exciting feats of magic every night! And Polly's and Daddy's trials provide plenty of drama.

"Sixteen, Daddy. I'm a teenager. Really, Dad, you never thought this stuff? You never thought, 'what the hell? What've I got to lose?'"

Phoenix: No matter how old you are, you'll still always be my little girl. I don't understand why you're swearing so much in this fic, though, your language is squeaky clean.

"I did. But I realized I had everything to lose. You could lose anything. But there are things that once they're lost, they're gone forever. You can find a wallet, a hat, even yourself. But you can't get back your…"

"I think your referring to my virginity. I'm not talking about this right now. It's gone, anyways. You can't save me." Trucy sighed.

Phoenix: ... aaaaAAAGGGGGGGH! *Phoenix places his head in his hands.*

Larry: Uh, Nick? You gonna be okay?

Phoenix: ...

Trucy: ... I think they broke Daddy.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Phoenix suddenly stood. "Who?"

"What?" Trucy turned her head away and shrunk into the couch.

"What do you mean what?"

Larry: How do you not remember your first? That's such a special experience, it's unforgettabl-

Phoenix: Larry, just... stop.

Trucy: ... Looks like I've learned a new trick! Be amazed as Trucy Wright magically shrinks into the couch!

"What? W-what the hell? Why you! You… that's not fair! Who cares if I've gone out on a ton of dates? You never listen or call! Well! I'd rather do something than wait for you to call! Oh, yeah? Well you're a bigger one! Fine, I'm over you anyways." Phoenix realized half way through she was on the phone. She shouted a few more obscenities into the phone and slammed it shut. Suddenly it buzzed again.

Trucy: He only realized I was on the phone halfway through? Daddy's usually more perceptive than that.

Phoenix: I think fic!me had other things on his mind.

"Cody? Oh, I'm still here. We can't go, Dad won't let me. What? Why are you confused? Of course I love you. L-larry? Who's Larry? M-matt? I don't know if he was arrested, I don't k-know him. NO, I don't know a Paul, Sean, Daniel, or J-jack." She looked around, searching for another excuse,

Phoenix: H-him... out of all people HIM...

Larry: Someone you know? What's he like?

Phoenix: Pretty much the WORST possible person for my daughter to date. Worst possible person period, actually. And this isn't even the first time they've been paired together.

Trucy: Huh, I don't really remember anyone like that in these fics...

"I'm not joking. NO, Cody. I'm not trying to mess with your head. Me? Well of course. I love messing in your bed… yeah. Oh please. Look I gotta go. Sorry about tonight. WHAT? Done? Wh-what did I do? Five other-? NO! Fine! No, if you don't believe me, than I'm not gonna pretend I trust you. Good bye forever." She threw the phone on the floor.

Trucy: I wouldn't throw a phone on the ground! That probably cost a lot of money!

Larry: Eheh... when Annabelle broke up with me, I threw my phone on the floor. The screen completely shattered, just like my heart did... *sniffle*

Trucy: But I thought Annabelle was your soulmate?

Larry: No no, her name is AnabellA! Annabelle was just a passing phase, Annabella is the real deal!

Phoenix stood there in shock. "What just happened?"

Trucy sniffled. "I just broke up with Cody… and Sean." The phone buzzed again. The name Paul flashed on the screen. She stared at it, willing it to explode. After Paul, Jack called, followed by Daniel. She stared at the phone solemnly. After it was quiet, she burst into tears. Finally, the office phone rang.

Trucy: Why are we getting so many phone calls in this fic? Usually we just get a lot of tele-marketers.

Phoenix: Plot-convenience.

Larry: Is that another one of your tricks? You can just make things explode with your mind?

"Wright speaking. LARRY! Look why do I have a picture of you and… yes I'm sure it's Trucy. What the hell? Can you not hear her bawling? She obviously is feeling bad. Yes I'm defending her… I'M A DEFENCE ATTORNEY… or was. No I don't know where Edgeworth is. Why… you can't take that to court. Whatever!" he hung up and sat next to Trucy.

Phoenix: Why would LARRY be the one to take it to court? Depending on exactly what happened between them *shudder* , I could press charges, since Trucy is a minor, but what would Larry have to gain?

"What the hell, what the hell, what the hell. I just wanted to be crazy. I'm never going to get another boyfriend." She was mumbling to herself. "I'm SORRY!" she sobbed and ran off crying to her room.

Phoenix: *sigh of relief* Good... Promise me you'll never get a boyfriend, Trucy.

Trucy: I'm not going to make a promise I can't keep!

Well there it is. ANOTHER short one. BTW for the last three stories, I OWN NOTHING. Okay! R&R is love. BYE!

Larry: They own nothing? Poor author, it must be terrible living without a dollar to your name!

[The lights come back on.]

Phoenix: That one was just awful. I can't stand seeing Trucy like that!

Larry: C'mon Nick, it's just made-up! You should relax a bit, stress isn't healthy for an aging man.

Phoenix: It doesn't bother you in the slightest that they portrayed you as a pedophile? (Wait a minute, an aging man?)

Larry: Well, uh, I guess you got me there.

Trucy: *smiling* Mr. Larry, I've got a show at the Wonder Bar tonight, would you like to come see me? I'll be preforming my world-famous "Magic Panties" trick!

Larry: Magic Panties? Now that sounds like my kind of show!

[The three of them walk to the Wonder Bar together, as the doors close on another sporking. ]

[DigitalVaporeon]

Wait, you used the smiley for hobo nick, but later on Trucy said she watched Apollo, and Phoenix's trials. That doesn't make sense, unless Phoenix just gets accused of murder and stuff a lot, which I could actually believe...

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

Hmm... to be blunt, I think this sporking could have used a little work. You used Hobonick here, but he doesn't act like him in the least. Overreacting is a thing for trilogy Nick, and even with DD Nick, he's not nearly as excitable as he used to be. I figure there's some margin for deviation regarding what counts as "in character" for him, but at least try to stick to which timeline you're drawing these guys out from.

Someone remind me; did Larry and Trucy show up together for a sporking before? I get the feeling Larry should already know they're father and daughter. (Though, I can fully understand why Nick wouldn't introduce Larry to her.) If not, then my mistake.

Other than the awkward kissing scene, this fic wasn't that bad, actually. Maybe I've just been taking some that are really bad, so the rest actually seem more favorable now.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Rubia already covered any criticisms that I'd make. Kudos for putting Larry in it, though, I like Larry and I always feel that he isn't in the sporking theatre enough. (Says the person who has NEVER put Larry in a sporking...)
I do wonder how that's supposed to be a songfic, though. Actually, I'm not all that good with the concept of songfics in general... but what song was it even supposed to be based off of?

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

If I may hazard a guess, I would say Avril Lavigne.

[TheJettSet27]

With Prequel, I meant this Eldritch Abdomination
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10624695/1 ... olos-it-m8
If I can take it, can I get it then? I hope I won't screw up much

If Jettset27 was supposed to take it... well, they haven't posted in the thread in a long time, so I think it's forfeit, personally...
Go for it if you really don't think you can handle a different fic, but I do agree with Rubia that it might be a better idea to hold off just in case.

I can't believe I'm replying three months after you posted this.

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been here for a while. Had to start school and I've been incredibly stressed. I won't be doing another sporking (and I haven't looked farther in the thread, so hopefully it hasn't happened yet and I don't look moronic) but I will be rejoining the conversation.

I feel bad for just dropping off of the thread, but goddamn was I out of it.

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

It's okay. This thread has waited longer for anyone to show. And I apparently am rather bad with my definitions of "soon". When you're ready to return to sporking, just let us know.

[TheJettSet27]

It's okay. This thread has waited longer for anyone to show. And I apparently am rather bad with my definitions of "soon". When you're ready to return to sporking, just let us know.

Haha, thank you. I did just go through and read more sporkings. I loved the DGS one - hopefully we get a bunch of those soon and can bring those characters in. It'll freshen up the theater, that's for sure!

[DigitalVaporeon]

I thought the most disturbing fanfics I'd ever read would be from here, The I looked up fanfics about my favorite AA character, and I regret so much.

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

There is way too much we haven't covered in this theater. Our selection is but a drop in the bucket. We really need more sporkers.

As an update, I have been working on the sporking guide as promised, but I think I've run into a wall with it. It's difficult to keep going when it sounds so formal and thus boring, and yet I get too easily distracted if I take a more creative (read "chaotic") approach to it. Perhaps to play it safer, I'll just stick with a focus on characterization. This means I will need to make full use of the list of "what each character calls the others".

I might even toss in a little extra stuff about "what happens when characters switch characterization".

[Ana R.]

So this Kristoph x Matt fic was made yesterday...
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11763532/1 ... s-Immortal

[venatrixlunaris]

So this Kristoph x Matt fic was made yesterday...
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11763532/1 ... s-Immortal

Ah, the days of my youth, like the scent of fresh My Immortal parodies...

[DrOcsid]

Well, amidst all the jakkid fics, I decided to go ahead and spork my second favorite, since turnabout egg is already being sporked. So…

phoenix wright turnabout pearl
by jakkid166

Rating:

This fic is pretty obviously intentionally bad, but taken at face value, it's comprised of a shit ton of spelling errors, plot holes, and OOC-ness.

Now, introducing today’s sporkers!

Phoenix Wright!
“Gee, I wonder who the central person in this fic will be.”

Maya Fey!
“Nick, if this goes the same way as Phoenix Drive, will you defend me when I murder the management?”

And lastly, Miles Edgeworth!
“What, exactly, is ‘Phoenix Drive’?”

[Our sporkers enter the theater.]

Phoenix: Ah, the classic trio of sporkers. Me, Maya, and Edgeworth.

Maya: We’re like the three sporksteteers!

Edgeworth: Please, do not sully that story’s legacy with the likes of this place.

Maya: Hey, why isn’t Pearl here? Isn’t she in this fic?

Management: We were told to tell you that due to the excessive language in this fic, Pearl will not be sporking with you three.

Phoenix: Really? That’s surprisingly nice of you.

Management: It’s a lie, of course. The real reason is because Dr. Ocsid can’t figure out how to write Pearl in-character. Now, take your seats.

[The three sit down after briefly wondering who “Dr. Ocsid” is.]

Spoiler:

turnabout pearl

by jakkid166

Phoenix: Oh, this guy again? Well, we’re in for a ride.

Edgeworth: Hm? Have we sporked this author before?

Maya: Yeah, he wrote “phoenix wright ace christian”.

Edgeworth: ...Oh, god.

on a day phoenix wright was in his homo

Phoenix: Oh, come on! In the first sentence?!

Edgeworth: Relax, Wright, it’s clearly just an intentional typo.

Maya: Isn’t that an oxymoron?

and reading a book called "patriopt games" (its a good book i recomend it)

Edgeworth: Well, at least the author has good taste.

Phoenix: Huh, you never seemed the type to enjoy Tom Clancy, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I have my interests.

he was on his couch and he wans reading cause he want getting very many case lately, the whole day his phone dident ring so he was bored

Phoenix: Oh come on, if I wasn’t getting any cases then I’d probably be doing something useful like, I don’t know, going out to find clients.

phoenix yawned "if i dont get a case soon i will have to evict my house"

Maya: No, Nick! That house needs a place to live!

AND THEN HIS PHONE RUNG
phoenix jumped out of his chair and landed on his desk and kicked the phone into his mouth

Phoenix: Woah.

Maya: You never told me you were a ninja, Nick!

Edgeworth: Please tell me you don’t actually put your phone in your mouth.

"HELEO" said wright
it was maya "hi nickle i need you to babingsit pearl"

Phoenix: “Babingsit”? “Nickle”? How would someone even make these errors on accident?

Maya: I'm guessing they're probably not on accident.

"ok" said wright
later maya came and dropped pearl off at he house

Maya: Normally, I’d trust Nick with pearl, but ficNick? Not so much.

"so what you wanna do pearl" said wright
"i want to watch steal samurai" said pearl

Phoenix: Well, aside from that intro, this is pretty run-of-the-mill so far.

Maya: No, Nick, look! It’s the Steal Samurai, Thief of Neo Olde Tokyo!

Phoenix: Oh. Right. My mistake.

Edgeworth: (...An interesting potential plot device. I should send a letter to the writers of the show.)

"ok" said wrigt and they watched it for an hour
"im hungry" said pearl but then the LIGHTS TURNED OFF
"thats not hungry" said wright and he looked around in the dark

Edgeworth: “That’s not hungry”? Is that your way of saying “This is strange”, Wright?

Phoenix: I don’t know! It doesn’t really make sense either way.

"WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS" he said but then he heard a giant crashing and the lights turned on
when they lights turned on pearl was GONE

Maya: See what I mean by not trusting ficNick?

"OH MY FUCKING NUGGETSHITS MAYA IS GONG TO KILL ME" said phoenix and he looked for pearl

Phoenix: Oh, so that’s what they meant by language.

Maya: I gotta say, though, fic-you is awfully creative with the swears.

Edgeworth: That does not make it any less unnecessary or out-of-character.

"POARL WHERE ARE YOU" said wright but she was not in the house
"NOOOOOO" said wright and he called the 911

Maya: So close, author! You almost managed to go a whole two sentences without a spelling error!

"yes hello this is 911" said the phone"
"I AM PHOENIX WRIGHT AND PEARL IS MISSING" screamed wright into the phone
"ok" said the phone

Edgeworth: So, announcing your name to the police department had higher priority than noting that Pearl was missing.

Phoenix: Maybe it was to help them locate me? Because I don’t seem to be telling them my address. Or anything else that might be useful.

~LATER~
gumbshoe got to the house "ok pal i got to look for clues to where she go"
"ok" said phoenix

Phoenix: Forget the idea of, you know, a search party.

aftre some investigation gumshoe went to wright "I THINK YOU KIDNAPPER HER"

Phoenix: What?! Wasn’t I there the whole time?

"WHAT" said wright "BUT IM WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME"

Phoenix: Yeah, see?

Edgeworth: The question is, can you prove that?

Phoenix: Can they prove I wasn’t?

but wright got arested

Phoenix: And of course, they completely ignore me.

maya visited wright in jail "WHY DID YOU DIKNAP PEARL"
"BECAUSE I DIDN'T" sad wright "you DEFEND ME PLEASE"

Edgeworth: When someone asks you why you committed a crime, starting your reply with “because” is not a good way to convince them that you didn’t do it.

Maya: Also, is Phoenix seriously asking me to defend him? He’d probably do better defending himself.

Phoenix: Ficme does not logic, Maya.

"ok" said maya "but i DON'T have an a attorneys badge"
"here" said wright and he gave pearl his badge to use

Phoenix: Oh, look! They found Pearl!

Edgeworth: No, it’s just another typo.

Phoenix: I know, I just want this to be over.

~THA NEXT DAY~

Maya: Uh oh! Jakkid’s going gangsta!

"court is in session" said the judge
"i am ready said maya"

Edgeworth: That. Is not. How quotes work.

"i am also ready" said the prosecutor who was mile edgeworth

Edgeworth: Ah, so I finally make my appearance. Joy.

Phoenix: Actually, that’s Mile Edgewo-

Edgeworth: It was only funny the first time, Wright.

[Phoenix pouts.]

"WHAT" said maya "BUT YOU DIED"

Edgeworth: I… what? When did this happen?

Management: We may have forgotten to mention this is a sequel to a preexisting fic. One that you haven’t sporked yet.

Maya: “Yet”?

Phoenix: Great. I can’t wait.

Management: Oh, really? In that case, let me just move the date up…

Phoenix: Oh come on, it was sarcasm!

"yes i am a ghost" said edgeworth ghost "oooooo"

Maya: Ghosts can legally prosecute cases? Is that true, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: We do not have laws for it, on the basis that ghosts don’t exist.

"mr wright was babysitting the pearl when he kidnapped her" said edgeworth "here is the evidence" and he presented her magama and her hair thingy, they have wrights fingerprites on them"

Edgeworth: “Hair thingy”? I have lost every ounce of professionalism…

Phoenix: I think that happened when you went “oooooo”.

"ok do you have witnesses" said judgo
"yes" said edgeworth "i call detective cumshoe to the stand"

Everyone: …

Phoenix: That’s-

Edgeworth: Don’t comment on it.

"hi pals" said gumshoe who was at the stand
"please give your tesimony" said edge ghost

Edgeworth: “Edge ghost”? Author, please, don’t use your own personal nicknames for me when you’re using third person narration.

"ok pal" said gumshoe
"i went to investigate the house after wright call 911"
"when i got ther, phonix's car and pearl were gone"

Phoenix: And yet, I wasn’t. Are you saying I drove Pearl away to some far away place and then walked back?

Maya: Not to mention you don’t have a car. Or a driver’s license.

Phoenix: I was purposely avoiding pointing that out…

"OBJECTION" said maya "NICK DOES NOT HAVE A CAR"
"WHAT" said gumshoe
"yes" said maya "he does not even have a FDRIVER LICENSE"

Maya: Well, at least fic-me is on point.

"then whos car was it?" said eggworth
"IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE TRUE CULPRIT CAR" said maya

Edgeworth: Alternatively, it belonged to anyone else who was parked in the vicinity.

"ohhohohoooooOO NOOOOO" said edgeworth

Maya: Edgeworth, you yell in the weirdest ways.

Edgeworth: Nghoooooh, I don’t!

"BUT WHO IS THE TRUE CULPIT" said gumshoe
"i dont know" said maya "BUT IT COULD NOT HAVING BEEN PHONIX BECAUSE HE CANT DRIVE"

Phoenix: Considering I was supposedly already in the act of kidnapping, I doubt I would have cared much about breaking a second law.

"SHIIIIIIT" said edgworth "I CANT U LEIEVE ME?"

Edgeworth: And then I was held in contempt of court for screaming a swear in a courtroom, and Wright was found not guilty.

Maya: Sorry, Edgeworth, but I can’t u leieve you.

"ok then" said judge "i pronounce wright not-"

Phoenix: Alright, we’re nearing the end!

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE COURT DOORS BUSTY OPEN

Phoenix: ...Damn it.

Edgeworth: I would have a great many concerns if the courtroom doors suddenly became “busty”.

and standin in there was PEARL FEY
"PEARL" said mao "YOUR OKAY"

Phoenix: What?! How did she find the courtroom from… wherever she was?

Maya: At least Mao seems relieved.

"yes" said pearl "can i please testify"
"ok" said judge
"ok" said pearl and she got to the stand

Phoenix: There we go, now she can tell everyone it wasn’t me, and this can end.

"SO WHO KIDNAP YOU" said edgeworth "WAS IT WRIGHT"
"yes" said pearl

Phoenix: WHAT?!

Edgeworth: That… is that even possible? It was never stated that he did anything to her...

Maya: Er… Maybe the author lied to keep us from knowing it was Nick?

Edgeworth: That would be an incredibly cheap tactic. Meaning I would not put it past the author at all.

"WHAT" said the cortroom
"ok guilty" said judge

Maya: First the busty doors, then the courtroom starts talking? This is some crazy supernatural stuff, Nick.

Phoenix: I think he meant everyone in the coutroom. Including Pearl, I guess.

~AFTER THE TRIAL~
"sorry for geting you guilty mr nick the guy loked like you" said pearl

Phoenix: What do you mean he looked like me? We’ve known each other for years! Who on earth could possibly look close enough to me to convince Pearl that I was the kidnapper?!

Maya: ...Maybe Xin Ehop?

Phoenix: He’s in prison!

"fuck you pearl you made me guilty" said phonix

Edgeworth: Swearing at a child. Wright, what is wrong with you?

Phoenix: Hey, you swore in front of the judge!

Edgeworth: And? My point stands.

"well at least we can go home now" said maya
"NO I CANT I GOT GUILTY" said phonix
"oh yeah lol" said maya "well bye"

Phoenix: Wow, Maya, no sympathy for the one falsely going to prison for kidnapping?

Maya: To be fair, at this point we do think you did it.

"YOU SON OF BITCH I WILL ESCAPE" and the guards drag him away

Phoenix: And do what? Find evidence to prove my innocence?

Maya: Hey, you can be like Harrison Ford, and run away from Tommy Lee Jones!

Phoenix: If only this fic was as good as that movie.

while he was in jail, suddenly a GUY APPEARED AND ATTACK HIM
"WTF" said wrigfht but he manage to hit the guy in the head with a book

Phoenix: Well. That was easy.

Maya: There are books in prison?

Edgeworth: Each prisoner is provided with a copy of the bible. However, it is paperback, so it would not do any real damage to a person’s head.

he took the guys mask off and it was MANFED VON KARMA

Phoenix: Oh jeez, just my luck that I’d become cellmates with Manfred von Karma.

Maya: But… Isn’t he, you know… dead?

Phoenix: Well, so is Edgeworth, but that didn’t stop him from appearing.

"you fucker" said karma "i almost got you"

Edgeworth: The full last name is “von Karma”, not just “Karma”.

Phoenix: Is that really the main issue here?

Edgeworth: No, of course not. I am simply trying to distract myself from the main issues.

"why you ATTACK ME"
"BECAUSE" said karma "I AM THE ONE WHO KIDNAP PEARL"

Phoenix: ...Well, there goes my reasoning against the Xin Ehop thing.

Maya: I knew it was a good theory.

Edgeworth: Wait, allow me to think this over… So, Manfred von Karma somehow broke out of prison, kidnapped Pearl, set her free, told her how to get to the specific courtroom where Wright’s trial was held, and then broke back into prison?

Phoenix: Also, one other thing. How the hell does Manfred von Karma look anything like me?!

"haha" said wright and he take out a tape recorder
"i recorded u say that" said wright

Phoenix: They let me take a tape recorder into prison? Sheesh, these guys must be pretty lax on issues like this.

"FUCK GIVE THAT TO ME" said garma and he took out his taser
"no" said wright and he grabbe his taser and shocked him and call for guard

Maya: See, Nick? You’ve got to be a ninja in this fic! How else could you have gotten von Karma’s taser from him?

Phoenix: Maybe he just sucks at fighting.

Edgeworth: So do you, Wright.

Phoenix: Hey, you’ve never seen me! Because I’ve… never fought anyone.

the next day, there was new trial and karma was guilty

Edgeworth: That was a lot of events to compress into one singular line of text.

Phoenix: I, for one, am not complaining.

"sorry for thinkingf you did it nick" said gumshoe and maya
"its ok but i have to go home now so i can write abot it on my blog"

Phoenix: “Sorry for getting you convicted of kidnapping!” “Oh, it’s fine, guys! I’m just gonna go home and write it on my blog that I don’t have!”

Maya: You should get a blog, Nick! Like Bob Loblaw, he has a law blog!

Phoenix: Really? What’s it called?

Maya: Bob Loblaw’s Law Blo-

Management: Forced TV show references are prohibited in the sporking theater.

then he went home
"maybe i will pet my cat now" he said but then his cat was DEAD

Phoenix: I… what? I don’t own a cat.

Maya: Well, not anymore.

"NOOOOOOOO" said wright
THE END

Edgeworth: Well, thank heavens for that-

~AFTER THE HOUSE~

Edgeworth: Oh, please.

phonix wright buried his cat in the backyarde
"i will aveng you mr squipples" said wright
TO BE CONTINUEEEED?

Maya: Any cat with a name like that, it would be a mercy killing.

Phoenix: ...I kinda like that name.

[The lights turn back on.]

Phoenix: Well, that was… I don’t really know how to comment on that.

Maya: At least it was kinda funny.

Edgeworth: It was another run-of-the-mill disaster of a fanfiction. Now, let’s leave before they force us to do the prequel.

[The three leave the sporking theater.]

Management: Heh, they think they can escape.

_______________________________

Also, for those wondering, I am working on Part 2 of Phoenix Drive. Some stuff has just gotten in the way of that, so I made this in the meantime.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Man, that was good. I laughed out loud at several points.
Also, looking forward to more Phoenix Drive!

[TheGreatSnarkoo]

Remember that Maya x Burgerpants Undertale trollfic?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11662342/2 ... nd-Burgers
It's back.

[Viktoria von Karma]

Whoever does that burger fanfic will have to be quite good at understanding that kind of spelling... To me, it looks like written blindfolded and standing on your head.

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

@DrOcsid

Normally, this is the part where I get in your face about what you did wrong, but I'm too busy laughing. Dang, I haven't had a good laugh like that in a while... 'specially now that my net connection is spottier than ever. Thanks.

@VictoriaVK

Well, I don't exactly have a sporking queued at the moment, and I like Undertale, so maybe I could give it a shot.

[tiger_festival]

Anyone remember that time I said that an author wrote two fics involving an OOC rapist Klavier?
...No? Well here's the second one anyway.
And yes, I linked to Chapter 2 on purpose.

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@Rubia

I request Mettaton be one of the guest sporkers.

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

Oh geez. I quite adore Mettaton, so this will be a serious deal. I don't do the best George Takei impersonations, but I'll see what I can come up with. XP

On the other hand, I had this amazing idea of an Undyne/Maya spear-gals combo. How many UT characters could I include, though, before it just becomes a UT sporking with AA guests??

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@Rubia

Do whatever you think is best. I trust your sporking skills better than my own.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Anyone remember that time I said that an author wrote two fics involving an OOC rapist Klavier?
...No? Well here's the second one anyway.
And yes, I linked to Chapter 2 on purpose.

When the summary starts off with "Ema is raped by Klavier" you know you're in for a wild ride, and not in a good way.
Also, Apollo's foster sister Jaki? What? (How is that even pronounced? It's probably supposed to be like Jackie, but I keep thinking it's like my youngest sister's friend Jakai.)
...and the flashback at the end of the chapter to

Spoiler: spoiler since the in-sporking reveal will probably be really funny

young Apollo in the mental institution. Out of concern that he might choke on his tongue in his sleep. HEY, AUTHOR, CHOKING ON YOUR TONGUE IS AN URBAN LEGEND, YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY DO IT.

How edgy.

I don't remember what I was supposed to be sporking next (Voreland Special and the next part of Turnabout Storm, was it? or was I trying to get someone else to do the next part and I'll do the one after that?), so does anyone mind if I do this one when I have a free moment? Might not be for a while since I'm in the middle of remodeling my room/packing/applying for college/mission, and I might end up dropping it, but... yeah.

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

Have fun, Airey. I'm already working on the UT crossover. :p

[Ana R.]

Haven't read it yet, but the name of the author is enough to convince me that this fic will be fucking awesome.
(And, er, he gave us a preview in discord.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11775493/1 ... E-attorney

EDIT: This is only the first part. I'm already hyped for part 2. Also, yes, it was amazing.

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@ArrowLawn

That cliffhanger...

This is going to be a series, isn't it?

[Rubia Ryu the Royal]

I got the impression that this author has just somehow connected EVERY one of his badfics together. It's going to be like another Law + Chaos, isn't it?

[cuteyounggirlplus]

Look what the kink meme came up with: http://pw-kink-meme.dreamwidth.org/4088 ... mt10189560


That put a whole other meaning to the phrase "When something smells..."

[AireyVerkhovensky]

Look what the kink meme came up with: http://pw-kink-meme.dreamwidth.org/4088 ... mt10189560


That put a whole other meaning to the phrase "When something smells..."

[Polly]

@ArrowLawn

That cliffhanger...

This is going to be a series, isn't it?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11778440/1 ... out-portal

Looks like it.

[cuteyounggirlplus]

@Polly

Ohh, Discord's back!

[DrOcsid]

So, jakkid finished turnabout portal. Relinking it just cause.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11778440/1 ... out-portal

Now, I know jakkid's fics may get a bit repetitive, but I am being 100% truthful in saying holy crap this is one of the most entertaining things I have read in a long time. I am not joking, that went WAY above his other works, especially chapter 5. I could not stop laughing. This needs to be sporked.

[Polly]

Ok, so I finally got around to sporking something. I figured I might as well give it a shot. I just went with the usual sporkers because I wasn't sure how to write other characters. Enjoy.

Title: Guilty Love https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10270254/40/Guilty-Love

The fic is actually a collection of oneshots. I only sporked Chapter 40.

Rating:

Not sure about the rating, since I'm not sure what warrants three Sahwits, which I figure is kind of average. The grammar isn't bad, and the author knew exactly how absurd the fic was, so Im not giving this more than a three.

For this sporking we have:

Phoenix Wright:
"Dare I ask what we have to read this time?"

Miles Edgeworth:
"I can''t say it's a pleasure to be here."

And Maya Fey:
"Well, here we are again!"

The three sporkers enter the theater. Maya grabs several burgers and other refreshments, and they take their seats. The light dim.

Spoiler:

Guilty Love

By MadFox32

Phoenix: I guess we can assume this is some kind of romance story, then.
Edgeworth: Perhaps we should be more worried about who it involves, in that case.
Phoenix: I think we’ve seen almost everybody at this point, to be honest.
Maya: Don’t tempt the Management, Nick.

Management: The Management assures you that we do not need any tempting to subject you to any fanfic we see fit.

...I'm sorry for this chapter. I really am. This honestly puts the Guilty in Guilty Love and I can't even believe I wrote this.

Welp, I hope you enjoy this miserable piece of garbage! :D

Maya: Wait, even the author admits the fic is bad?
Phoenix: If even they think it’s garbage, what are we in for?

Guilty Love: Chapter 40

Maya: Hang on, Chapter Forty?
Phoenix: We haven’t sporked this before, have we?
Edgeworth: I do not recall being forced to sit through forty chapters in this theater, nor would I want to.

Management: “Guilty Love” is a collection of short stories in which the author writes about various pairings, as requested by the readers. Any pair of characters could appear. Each chapter is a standalone story. At this time, the Management is having you spork this particular chapter.

Edgeworth: That would explain it.
Maya: So these are all romance oneshots that could involve pretty much anyone, then?
Phoenix: We’ve seen all sorts of disturbing pairings before. I’m sure we’re prepared for whatever we’ll be sporking.

Chapter 40: Charley x Jean Armstrong

Phoenix:…
Maya: WHAT?
Phoenix: …wait, there seriously is a story that has Charley as a main character? And it’s a romance?
Maya: And with that creep, no less.
Edgeworth: I’m not familiar with either of these people.
Phoenix: Jean Armstrong was a witness in a case I took, and I’d rather not remember him.
Edgeworth: One of the more eccentric witnesses, I take it?
Phoenix: To be honest, I’d be less disturbed if it was that old security lady.
Edgeworth: Ngh! And Charley?
Phoenix: Charley is a plant.
Edgeworth:…

Ze beauty of la belle arbre was not to be overlooked. His thick trunk, slender leaves, and simple features overwhelmed me and there was nothing I could do but fall deeper and deeper, my heart a victim of its own amour. Ze vibrancy of his leaves and ze deep green of his chlorophyll caught my eye every time I saw him, and I knew zat he must be mine.

[Maya sets down her refreshments without a bite, suddenly not hungry.]
Phoenix: I’m not looking forward to having to hear from Armstrong’s perspective.
Edgeworth: He actually finds a plant attractive. I don’t believe this.

But he was trapped, kidnapped by a man who would never love him as I knew I would. La Charley, as I'd heard him called, was forgotten, underwatered, overwatered, and given strange chemicals to enhance his already perfect figure, only to wither due to his lack of nourishment, cherishment, love.

Maya: Hey! We give Charley plenty of care and love!
Phoenix: Why am I being accused of kidnapping a plant?

Charley, I thought, You will be my love forever.

They might call me a tree hugger, a crazed man, but perhaps it was just Charley who drove me to insanity.

Phoenix: That’s all there is to say, really.
Maya: I don’t think “tree-hugger” covers this.
Edgeworth: Crazed man indeed.

Every day, longing for his embrace, I would take ze elevator in la Gatewater hotel so I could gaze upon his beauty. I could feel rationality slipping away, and all I knew was desire. Yes, I needed my love, and there was only one way zat I could ever have him.

Phoenix: I think any rationality slipped would have slipped away a long time ago.
Maya: He does this every day?
Edgeworth: I suppose that eliminates the possibility of this being a one-time occurrence, due to intoxication or something.

I needed to steal him, just as he'd stolen my heart.

Maya: Nick! He’s going to kidnap Charley!
Phoenix: Stealing, yes, but I don’t think he can be charged with kidnapping a plant.
Maya: But this is Charley!

I rode ze elevator up to my usual spot and gazed at Charley in his beauty. I'd first come to this spot to gaze upon his owner, ze man who had flirted so temptingly with me, but as soon as la belle arbre caught my eye there was no going back.

Phoenix: Somebody actually flirted with Armstrong?
Maya: I think he means you, Nick. This is your office after all.
Edgeworth: You flirted with this man, Wright?
Phoenix: No! I just cross-examined him…

I was a victim of passion, a target of Cupid's misdirected arrow. Oh, how I wished I could have loved another plant, one zat didn't belong to another. But my love could not be repressed.

Edgeworth: Another plant? Not an actual human?

Phoenix Wright stood in zat office, gathering some of his things, and ultimately left for ze trial I'd known he was attending. Ah, it was my chance. My love would be mine.

Phoenix: And Armstrong is spying on me, if things aren’t disturbing enough.

I went down ze elevator and stepped outside, finding ze Tres Bien truck waiting for me, just where I'd left it. I pulled out an extendable ladder out from its interior, as well as a basket large enough to allow Charley to descend with me, tied firmly to a rope. Ze plan was working. I just needed to make my way towards my love.

Walking over to ze gap between ze two buildings, I tied ze basket to ze top rung, and extended the ladder up to ze second floor window where I knew Phoenix Wright resided. I began to make my way up, ze black fabric I wore rubbing uncomfortably against the cold metal.

Phoenix: That’s it. We’re investing in some security for the office.
Maya: And how are you going to afford that and pay for burgers, Nick?

I was ashamed zat Charley would not be able to see me in all of my beauty, clad in ze black zat he had always known, but my passion would certainly be colorful and vivid enough to win him over. Finally at ze top, I unlatched the window with ease, and successfully made it into ze office. There he was- I could see him right in front of me, with nothing keeping us apart.

Finally.

Edgeworth: Personally, I prefer we don’t hear about his passion and… colorfulness.
Phoenix: Armstrong isn’t going to win anyone over.

I ran over to him, embraced him, stroked his leaves. He was beautiful, so beautiful. His scent was intoxicating, so fresh, so pure. It was nothing like the thick, warm oils that I'd slathered myself with in preparation for this meeting, and I felt so inferior in comparison to my love. I ran my lips over one of his leaves, delighted to see how much of him there was to know. He stood there simply, unwavering. Did he love me too? I wondered.

[The three sporkers look ill. Phoenix and Maya are momentarily speechless.]
Edgeworth: No. No, the plant does not love you.

It didn't matter. I was a selfish maiden, one who needed her love. "You're coming home," I whispered. "You're coming home."

Edgeworth: Selfish maiden? I thought this Armstrong was a man?
Phoenix: He was a very effeminate man.

(O)
I could hear some sort of thumping coming from the other side of the office, and groggily opening my eyes, I rolled off of the couch onto the ground and stood up. Darn, I was having a great nap, too!

Maya: Hear some sort of…?
Edgeworth: Don’t think about it.
Maya: Actually, who’s perspective is this now, anyway?
Phoenix: Huh. I’m not sure.

Groggily trying to comprehend what was happening, I remembered that I was supposed to be the only one in the office- Daddy was in court, and Athena and Polly were investigating. There was only one other possibility: Vanilla.

[Phoenix pales.]
Phoenix: Trucy. She’s all alone with Armstrong.
Edgeworth: Remember Wright, this is just fiction. Your daughter isn’t alone with Armstrong.
Phoenix: Was there any need to bring my daughter into this?
Maya: Who’s Vanilla?

Vanilla was a little dove that Uncle Valant had gotten for me. She escaped from time to time, having being trained to be a true Houdini, and she usually left little presents whenever she did. Ugh, it's hard enough cleaning human toilets. Peeking into my magic panties, I found her cage... Full of bird. Wait... If it's not Vanilla, what is it?!

Maya: Oh. A dove, huh?

Maybe Polly and Athena had come back to regroup. They did that sometimes... Right? Or Daddy had crushed the prosecution into submission in ten minutes flat and was already home.

Edgeworth: I’m sure that the latter isn’t the case.
Phoenix: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edgeworth: You certainly do not ever “crush the prosecution into submission” Wright, let alone in under ten minutes.
Phoenx: Well, if Payne was the prosecutor…

Regardless, I grabbed a few of my best magic props and snuck across the office, opening the door without so much as a breeze, let alone a sound to alert any intruders of my presence. What I found was cringeworthy, probably even puke-worthy.

Maya: Yeah, I feel like I could puke too.

Some bearded lady was licking Charley. "Who goes there?!" I shouted, pointing my gun in front of me.

Edgeworth: Wright, since when did your daughter have a gun?
Phoenix: This is ridiculous, Trucy has never carried a gun.
Maya: Maybe it’s a magic prop that looks like a gun?

"Oh la la!" she yelped. "I am but an innocent maiden!"

"Against the wall," I commanded, watching as the lady turned to face me.

"I cannot! My 'eart is going to burst if I do not take my lover home!" ...Lover?

Phoenix: That man is anything but innocent.

"Charley's taken, monseigneur. Against the wall." He shook his head no, so I clicked the trigger on my pistol, and Bullets came flying out. Merrrroooow!

Maya: What kind of gun goes “Merrrroooow!”?

"Ah! La chaaaaatte!" she yelped as my cat scratched him a few times in sheer terror and then bolted away. "You... You cannot take me away from my love!" she shouted. Bullets! You were supposed to scratch her ugly face off!

Edgeworth: A… cat?
Phoenix: I don’t own a cat. For that matter, how does a cat fit into a gun?

It was then that I got a whiff of the lady. She smelled like cheap rose perfume sprayed on until she reeked, and the intensity of the smell was giving me a headache. I've met a lot of strange people, but this lady takes the cake.

Maya: Ew.

I pulled out another gun. "There's more where that came from. Lots more." She tried to slap me with weak, pathetic movements, so I pulled the trigger, ropes shooting out and entangling the crazy lady. She tumbled onto the ground, and I walked up to Charley and frowned. "Charley... I'm sorry."

Non! Charley loves me, not you!" the lady screamed.

Phoenix: Don’t tell me he thinks Trucy is competing for Charley’s love.

"Charley needs love and care, not your saliva." I pulled out my phone and called the only person I knew who could handle a situation like this. "Mr. Gumshoe?" I asked. "We got broken into."

Edgeworth: Well at least your daughter knew to call the police, Wright.
Phoenix: I trust Gumshoe, but I’d like to think Trucy knows there are other people she can rely on too.

"What?! Are you all right, pal!"

"I'm a little emotionally scarred, but I've got the intruder tied up and ready to be taken away!" I replied confidently.

"What was he doing?!"

"She was trying to steal Charley!"

Edgeworth: I imagine the police would be confused if they received reports of plants being kidnapped.

"Charley...?" I could practically see Gumshoe's confused face over the phone.

"Our office plant, duh!"

"...You've still got that plant? Wow, you must take real good care of him, pal!"

"Of course we do. We love Charley."

"I'll be right there with my most painful pair of handcuffs, pal!"

Maya: His most painful pair of handcuffs?
Phoenix: What, do the detectives carry extra-painful handcuffs for the most bizarre criminals?

"Thanks, Mr. Gumshoe."

"Of course pal! I'll see you!" I hung up, and turned to my angry prisoner.

"You don't love Charley," the bearded lady said. "Not as I love 'im."

"You don't know anything about Charley! You don't care about him. He's just like any other Cordyline Stricta to you. I can see it in your eyes.”

"Non, Charley is special!" she replied, starting to cry. Walking over to the bathroom, I grabbed a washcloth and some dish soap to clean up Charley.

Maya: It’s going to take a lot of time before I’ll be able to consider Charley cleaned up.

"You're right," I said, taking one of his slender palms in my hands. "He is special. But not to you." Charley was full of memories, the past coming up in his branches, tickling us when we walked through the door to the office and reminding us that we were never alone. For someone to possibly love Charley more that we did was inconceivable, a crime worthy of rock-god prosecution.

Phoenix: To be honest, I wouldn’t complain if Manfred von Karma was around to prosecute him. This is unsettling.

A few minutes, a grody washcloth, and about a gallon of bearded lady tears later, I was pretty sure Charley was clean. I'd finish up later, of course, but I was confident that he would be happy for now. Unsure of what to do with the washcloth, I had a great idea. I stuffed the washcloth in the bearded lady's mouth so she could taste the soap and saliva that she'd forced Charley to taste.

Maya: If I were Charley, I wouldn’t be happy for a long time.

"NOOOOOMPHHH!" she yelled. Feeling even more devilish, I pulled out my phone, snapped a selfie with my prisoner in the background, and sent it to Polly for his satisfaction.

What the heck happened over there?! he texted back almost immediately.

A tree rapist. I replied.

Edgeworth: I’ve seen a lot of outlandish criminals, but breaking in to kidnap a plant and take it as our lover is one of the most bizarre.

Nobody could show Charley love like we did, and I felt strangely satisfied seeing the lady cry. Charley's wanted here, too.

"You'll never love him like I do."

Phoenix: I just wish Trucy wasn’t alone with him anymore.
Maya: Well, Charley is there too.

(O)
When la petite fille bound me, my heart was bound as well. She didn't understand my passion, my desire, my love for the little office plant named Charley. Non, Charley was not a simple plant. Charley was my love.

Maya: Well he’s right about one thing. Charley is more than a simple plant to us.
Phoenix: Still, I don’t want to understand his “passion”.

When I made eye contact with ze detective zat showed up to la office, I could not help but cry. I 'ad tried to take his love from him, I knew. And now he would do the same to me. He seemed shocked, dazed by my beauty, but he quickly hardened his heart to chain me to my fate.

Edgeworth: I’m farily certain that whatever is going through the detective’s mind, he is not dazed by beauty.

"Oui, I've been a naughty girl," I cried desolately. "I am sorry”.

But it was not enough. Charley slipped away as I was dragged out ze door, wrists and heart screaming in pain, never to see my love again. But in my pocket I would always hold ze washcloth of desire, ze rag zat brought us poor lovers together.

Maya: Washcloth of desire?
Phoenix: Nobody desired to hear from Armstrong ever again.

Perhaps one day Charley and I would be naughty together, but today was not zat day.

Phoenix: I hope that day never comes.
Maya: No kidding.

[The lights come back on, and the three sporkers leave their seats.]

Maya: I’m not sure what to say, really.
Phoenix: Well from now on, I’m not letting anyone who doesn’t work at the Agency near Charley.
Edgeworth: That may be for the best.

[The sporkers leave the theater.]

And that is that. I thought I would try my hand at a sporking. Don't hesitate to critique.

[Viktoria von Karma]

I somehow feel sympathetic for the author, because it seems to me that they are quite good at writing, actually, and then their readers come with that kind of idea:

'll do crack, crack is funny, but just don't expect me to dedicate an hour or more of my life to writing a romantic situation between Jean Armstrong and Charley, or Regent the Tiger and Dahlia Hawthorne. (Those are real requests I got in Just a Note, if you were wondering)

But the cat coming out of the pistol is actually Canon, at least in the German version Trucy talks about something like this while examining the weapon in... er... Turnabout Serenade? You know, that case where and perform the Guitar Serenade.

[AireyVerkhovensky]

I somehow feel sympathetic for the author, because it seems to me that they are quite good at writing, actually, and then their readers come with that kind of idea:

'll do crack, crack is funny, but just don't expect me to dedicate an hour or more of my life to writing a romantic situation between Jean Armstrong and Charley, or Regent the Tiger and Dahlia Hawthorne. (Those are real requests I got in Just a Note, if you were wondering)

But the cat coming out of the pistol is actually Canon, at least in the German version Trucy talks about something like this while examining the weapon in... er... Turnabout Serenade? You know, that case where and perform the Guitar Serenade.

Yeah, Trucy mentions a cat named Bullets that she shoots out a gun as part of her act at the Wonder Bar. It's never mentioned again, though.

[Polly]

I somehow feel sympathetic for the author, because it seems to me that they are quite good at writing, actually, and then their readers come with that kind of idea:

'll do crack, crack is funny, but just don't expect me to dedicate an hour or more of my life to writing a romantic situation between Jean Armstrong and Charley, or Regent the Tiger and Dahlia Hawthorne. (Those are real requests I got in Just a Note, if you were wondering)

Yeah, you're right about that. The writing isn't actually a horrible fic. I probably should have mentioned that before the sporking.

But the cat coming out of the pistol is actually Canon, at least in the German version Trucy talks about something like this while examining the weapon in... er... Turnabout Serenade? You know, that case where and perform the Guitar Serenade.

Yeah, Trucy mentions a cat named Bullets that she shoots out a gun as part of her act at the Wonder Bar. It's never mentioned again, though.

Huh, guess I forgot that. Whoops.

Anyway, I'll just leave this here:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11792637/1 ... k-attorney

[cuteyounggirlplus]

Well, that fic got meta.

Guess who put back up their badly-written vote?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11790142/1 ... ories-Vore

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11790234/1 ... ories-Vore

[Skittlemask]

DON'T DIE ON ME THREAD!

I'm back with another sporking. I don't think it's my best work, but I needed something to get me back into the swing of things, I guess.

Title- Coffee Burns
Rating-
It's pretty obvious that it's a troll fic, but I still find it rather disrespectful to the late singer in question and his family, regardless of what he did or didn't do. For a troll fic, the spelling/grammar isn't as bad as others we've seen, but the plot alternates from plain boring to flat out weird. Oh yeah, and Klavier is really OOC.
Now, let's begin!
Today's sporkers are…
Apollo Justice!
"With that title, I'm surprised Mr. Armando isn't here."
Ema Skye!
"Not every mention of coffee has to do with that man."
Trucy Wright!
"Yeah, Polly! Just like how every mention of tea doesn't have to do with Mr. Layton!"
and… Klavier Gavin!
"I wonder what 'late singer' the management is talking about?"

[We open up in our Sporking Theatre where the management is chastising Klavier.]

Speakers: Seriously, you're not allowed to comment on what we say before the sporking starts!

Klavier: Why? You never had a problem with it before!

Speakers: It's a new rule that I made up just now.

Klavier: And just how was I supposed to know that?

Speakers: Hmm, well, now you know. So next time you're here and I'm managing the place, then that rule is in place.

Apollo: …Wait, so only when you're in charge?

Speakers: Yep!

Apollo: You're telling me that we have to remember the rules for all of you guys?

Trucy: Gee, this place is a disaster.

Ema: You can say that again.

Speakers: Now, Klavier, since you're wondering who the "late singer" is, we'll do things a little differently and show you the summary.

Klavier Gavin and Michael Jackson meet up and talk about their similar experiences with burns on stage.

Trucy: …Michael Jackson? Meeting with Prosecutor Gavin?

Ema: How is the fop supposed to meet him if Michael Jackson is dead?

Klavier: The author is probably one of those conspiracists who believe that Herr Jackson is still alive. Also, our experiences really aren't that similar. I didn't actually get burned, but Michael Jackson wasn't as fortunate…

Apollo: …I never knew that he got burned.

Klavier: Herr Forehead, how can you not know that he got burned!? That was an iconic moment!

Apollo: Really? Well… what happened?

Trucy: Ooh, I know the story! OK so, he was doing a commercial for Pepsi and was performing Billie Jean in front of an audience for the commercial, but the guys turned on the fireworks a second too early and his hair was caught on fire. I'm surprised you didn't know that, Polly… Even Daddy knows that story!

Apollo: (Great…) Well that sure sounds like a terrible experience.

Speakers: Yeah so, we're going to start the sporking now. Y'know, I should play Billie Jean in reference to the moment… Actually, never mind, everyone knows Billie Jean. We'll play one of his more… underrated pieces. Now, let's jam!

Spoiler:

Coffee Burns
By: PineapplesAreMyWindows

Ema: What a weird pen-name. *munch munch*

Trucy: *opens mouth* Whooooooo lives in a pine-

Apollo: *covers Trucy's mouth* No. We already have music in the background, we don't need anymore.

Michael Jackson was drinking coffee at a café. In Canada (A/N HE'S STILL ALIVE. LOOK IT UP.)

Klavier: I told you that the author was one of those conspiracists, ja?

Ema: Yeah yeah, you were right as always. Get that air out of your head.

He was listening to his own music because he's narcissistic. He was tempted to do the moonwalk but didn't because he didn't want anyone to find out that he was still alive.

Suddenly, Klavier Gavin walked in for some brownies.

Klavier: Why would I be in Canada?

Apollo: Maybe you were on tour there.

Klavier: Nein, the Gavinners broke up.

Apollo: It was just a guess. If Michael Jackson is alive in this fic, then anything is possible.

A bunch of people flocked to him for autographs and pictures that it took him two hours to get some brownies. A single tear ran down Michael's cheek because it reminded him that he was ugly and no one liked him anymore.

Apollo: Gee, that seems a bit rude.

Klavier: And plenty of people still adore him. Twelve people committed suicide because he died is all the proof you need. Ah, to still be legendary even after death…

Trucy: *whispers to Apollo* I think Prosecutor Gavin is jealous.

Klavier: Nein. Trust me, I'm anything but jealous. I don't need the media anymore in my life than they already are.

Ema: They were pretty brutal toward him, even without those incidents.

Klavier finally got his snacks and Michael was surprised to find him walking to his table.

"BROWNIES FOR MY BROWNIE!" Klavier shouted.

All: …

Apollo: Wow, um, I never thought you were racist.

Klavier: Because I am not. It seems that the author might be, though.

Trucy: Actually, I think that's just a reference to that Madea movie. Y'know, the one where she goes to jail?

Apollo: The world may never know.

"H-How did you know…!?" Michael Jackson said, surprised. He looked white and was surprised that someone knew that he was black. So that must've meant… that Klavier knew exactly who he was!

"Ja, I can sniff out talent like a praying mantis. Besides, I could never forget such a beautiful performer."

Trucy: Do… praying mantises have a good sense of smell?

Ema: Actually, their antennae is what they use to smell out food, so their sense of smell is pretty good. I'm surprised the author would know something like that.

Apollo: It was probably just a lucky guess.

Michael blushed. Klavier really was talking about his music and dance choreography, but Michael thought that he was talking about his looks and was happy that someone still found him beautiful.

Apollo: This is honestly kind of disrespectful… and creepy, too.

Ema: Disrespectfulness doesn't stop these authors, y'know.

"Also," Klavier continued, "I can see the burn marks on your scalp."

"Whaaa!? B-But I HAD SURGERY FOR THAT!" Michael shouted really loudly and everyone was staring at him but he didn't notice. "I'M GOING TO SUE MY SURGEON… aw wait I'm dead."

Apollo: Wow, if this is how he acts, then I'm surprised no one found out his identity before…

Klavier: I could be wrong, but I don't think this is how Herr Jackson acted.

Ema: I don't know. If all famous people are like you, then I could imagine something like this happening.

"It's ok." Klavier sat down. "I know how it feels. My guitar caught on fire while I was performing."

Klavier: Um, nein, I don't know how it feels. I didn't actually get burned, it just hurt to see such a beautiful guitar get destroyed.

Trucy: Um, well, you both had to deal with a fire during a performance? That's kind of similar, right?

Apollo: No, not at all.

"You don't know how it feels. Your guitar wasn't you skin, it hurt when my hair was on fire. And yet I still performed because the show must go on."

"Excuse me, I consider MY GUITAR AN EXTENTSION OF MY BODY. It hurt to see my beautiful and expensive guitar burning up. I even felt real pain so I got 3RD DEGREE BURNS WHILE YOU GOT SECOND!"

Apollo: Wow, that logic. So just because you saw your guitar burn means that you got third degree burns?

Ema: Well technically, the real Fop's logic was the same as Jackson's.

Klavier: Ja, Herr Forehead, I'm not that silly.

"Fair enough but I don't see any scars. Are you sure you got a third degree burn?" Michael sipped his coffee.

Klavier smiled with his impossible blue eyes. "I had a better surgeon than you."

Apollo: Don't tell me that Michael is actually buying that?

Trucy: And he's still drinking his coffee from two hours ago? That must be really cold! Bleh.

Ema: Also, that "smiling with your eyes" thing is really creepy to look at.

Trucy: Ah, you're right! *shivers*

"Yeah well… I had better… dance instructors!" Michael said, ready to throw his coffee.

Apollo: What? What's with that horrible comeback? And why does he want to throw his coffee all of a sudden?

Trucy: His coffee must be so cold that he wants to get rid of it right away!

Klavier laughed at that. "Ja, ja, I'm sure you did. I don't dance. I give you immense honor for still trying to perform Billy Jean with your hair on fire. I had to put out the fire on my guitar right away."

"I was perfectly cool with it. I would've done the whole commercial if the people running the thing hadn't trampled on me when I was done walking down the stairs." Michael voiced out, rubbing his scalp at the memory of the incident.

Ema: Actually, the reason why he was so calm was because he didn't even notice that he was on fire. But he would've about ten to fifteen seconds later, and there's no way he could've performed the whole commercial then.

Apollo: I think we know how fire works, Ema.

Ema: *shrugs* Not everyone knows what I just told you.

"Ha, it would've been smart not to do that, ja? After you were done with the song they could've poured pepsi on your head to put out the fire. It was a pepsi commercial, ja? Would've been good for business."

"Yeah… but hey, I'd definitely get third degree burns at that point."

Ema: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life. Give it to the fop to say something like that.

Klavier: Ack, you think too little of me, Fräulein. Even I know that the pepsi would sting and would probably make things worse.

"You were already on fire, you didn't need that." Klavier mused. "I'm sure many people wanted to kiss you like two oil-slicked seals."

"Um, sure." Michael agreed, but thought that that guy was officially wacked.

Apollo: I agree. I mean, two oil-slicked seals? What kind of metaphor is that?

Trucy: Actually, that's a simile, not a metaphor.

Klavier: Look like someone needs to go back to school, ja, Herr Forehead?

Apollo: Gee, it was just a simple mistake. I know the difference between a simile and a metaphor!

Trucy: Sure, Polly.

He finished his coffee and ate one of the brownies that Klavier brought to the table.

Suddenly, Klavier jumped up when he saw APOLLO JUSTICE walk into the café.

Trucy: Why is Polly's name all in caps?

Klavier: Maybe it is a reference to his chords of steel?

Ema: That's… perfectly plausible.

Apollo: (I don't just randomly yell like that…)

"Oh shit!" Klavier said and grabbed Michael's wrist.

"W-What are you doing?"

"Quick, your coffee!" Klavier grabbed Jackson's coffee and hurled the cup at Apollo head.

"I was enjoying that, you psycho!" Michael yelled.

Trucy: So Prosecutor Gavin decided to throw someone else's really cold coffee that they were apparently enjoying at Polly… just because?

Klavier: Yes, because fic-me doesn't know anything about class.

Apollo: (Yeah, class…) Actually, it said earlier that Michael finished his coffee, so…

Trucy: Oh, you're right! So then he threw an empty coffee cup at Polly just because! That makes so much more sense now!

Apollo: … (She can't be serious, can she!? …I give up trying to understand.)

Klavier didn't pay attention and dragged Michael out the door. They could hear Apollo's yelps when scalding hot coffee hit his face. Michael wanted to turn around and help, since he could still be nice, and obviously had experience with burns. But figured that it musti've been someone who Klavier REALLY hated.

Trucy: But the cup was empty! There's no way anything could've burned him. Unless… Mr. Armando is the god of this AU!

Ema: Or Michael's coffee just got refilled off screen.

Trucy: …Nah.

Apollo: Wait, so just because I'm someone who Prosecutor Gavin hates… that's a good reason not to help me?

Trucy: Yeah, I guess so.

Apollo: …

Klavier: If this were the real me, I would help you.

Apollo: Yeah, thanks…

They ran into a forest and DAMON GANT WAS THERE!

All: Ahhh!

Ema: Why are you all yelling!? I'm the only one who actually knows him!

Klavier: It doesn't matter, Fräulein, we're all traumatized from the other fics he's appeared in.

Apollo: He's also creepy enough on his own…

Ema: Well, I can't really argue there…

"Oh, hey there Jacko!" Damon waved at Michael. "And why, you're Krissy's brother, aren't you?"

"Um, ja…"

"What are you doing with Jacko?" Damon eyes lingered at Klavier's fingers wrapped around Michael's wrist, and came to his own conclusion. "Whup! Hahahahaha! Hey, you know that I taught Jacko what he does best, right?"

Apollo: So, Mr. Gant is good at singing and dancing, then?

Klavier: N-Nein, it's not that…

Ema: *shudder*

"Umm… you know how to sing and dance?" Klavier guessed, wanting to hurry along and jump in a river.

"No, no! Oh, I guess you'll see soon enough if you're here for what I think you are." Damon winked.

Apollo: Again with these random and weird desires.

Klavier: No offense, Herr Forehead, but I'm more concerned that Mr. Gant thinks that Michael Jackson and I want to… do anything.

Klavier really wanted to escape so he grabbed some leaves and ripped them to shreds. Thick coffee came out of the leaves and he whipped them in Gant's eyes.

All: …

Apollo: Um, what?

Trucy: See, I told you that Mr. Armando is the god of this fic's universe!

Apollo: *sigh*

"Agghhh!" Gant yelled and Klavier ran away, pulling Michael along with him.

While they were running, Michael heard his song "Bad" and saw a guy with a lot of holes in his coat singing "Because I'm Badd, I'm Badd! Really Badd! Y'know I'm Badd, I'm Badd; really, really Badd! And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again, who's Badd…"

All: …

Ema: Ummm…?

Apollo: No comment.

Klavier: Yeah, I'm not really sure what to say to this either…

Michael thought it was really weird and started to feel like the only sane person in the area.

Apollo: Y'know, I think he's right.

Klavier: And if this keeps up, he'll soon be the only sane person in this theatre.

They finally stopped near a lake and dropped down into the bushes.

"Ugh… that was fun, ja?"

"No," Michael said bluntly.

"Ah, live a little, Herr Moonwalker. You'd think the King of Pop would know to have fun, ja?"

"I don't think that qualifies as 'fun,'" Michael said.

Apollo: Agreed. Wow, I never thought that he would be so relatable. He was a little… weird in the beginning of the fic, but now I can really relate.

Ema: That's probably because everyone else is flat out crazy.

"OK." Klavier eyed the water and gave Michael a smirk. "Nee, Mikaeru-chan, remember when your hair got caught on fire?"

Klavier: Ja, or course he remembers. We were just talking about it! There is no need to act like an idiot, fic-me.

Ema: There's also no need to call him "Mikaeru-chan."

Trucy: Yeah, doesn't the author know that you're more into German than Japanese?

"Of course, we were just talking about it! And are you a weeb or something? Not that I mind, all my fans are my family, blood related."

Ema: No, they're not. What kind of nonsense is that?

Speakers: Actually, that is a real thing that Michael Jackson said…

Ema: I've always heard that he was smart. You don't even need a common science class to know that.

Apollo: I think he was just trying to be nice…

"Yeah well…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… (A/N shit I forgot where I was going with this.)

Apollo: How professional.

"Yeah?" Michael asked. He was getting annoyed and wanted to go home.

"Um, I've seen the video of that incident and there was a huge nastly bald spot, and I'm wondering how your hair is still so luscious."

Michael rolled his eyes. "It's a wig."

Trucy: I always thought it was obvious that it was a wig. His hair was kind of curly before, but then it was suddenly straight.

Ema: And his hair was always in his face in unnatural ways.

Apollo: How can hair be in your face "unnaturally?"

Ema: Just put on a wig and you'll see.

"Oh. OOOHHHHH@@!!!1!" And he winked at my favorite Michael.

Trucy: …*starts laughing*

Klavier: What's so funny, Fräulein Trucy?

Trucy: *giggling* It's just the fact that the management had you say those "at's" and the "one!"

Klavier: *smiles* Well I guess it was kind of funny.

Michael forced a smile, but really wanted to get away from Klavier asap.

Apollo: Same.

Klavier: Then go, Herr Forehead. No one is making you stay here.

Apollo: I was just talking about fic-you, not the real you. I just meant that I want to get away from the fanfic version of you.

Klavier: Ja, then you can go. No one is making you stay.

Apollo: The management is… with their locked doors and all.

Speakers: Yes, our safe, and always secured, locked doors.

Ema: We get it, they're always locked. You don't have to use all those synonyms.

Speakers: …

"Do you wanna skinny dip?" Klavier asked Michael-kun.

Um n-" but then Michael got a plan. "Actually, sure! I would love to! Now, how about you go first? I have to hide in the bushes so no one would recognize me because I still have all my vitiligo spots."

"OK, see you there babaaayyy!" Klavier took all of his clothes off with a snap of his fingers and jumped into the lake.

Trucy: Wow! I didn't know you knew how to do a trick like that; I want to learn!

Klavier: I would teach you, but I don't actually know any tricks.

Trucy: Aw.

Apollo: …Wait, why would you want to learn something like that!?

Trucy: Hmm, so I could get ready for school more quickly!

Apollo: …Oh.

MJ went to the bushes and yelled "One minute!" But he then ran away.

"Yoohooo! Herr King! Where aaaare you? Hey, are you-? Get back here!"

Apollo: *cheers* Go, Michael, go!

Ema: What are you so excited about?

Apollo: Isn't it obvious? I actually really want him to get away.

Trucy: Well, if I was in the position, I would want to run away too.

Klavier: Me too.

Michael was already a mile away and Klavii wanted to run after him but realized that he was naked so he summoned all his power and turned the lake into coffee! Then he tossed the coffee-water at Michael.

All: …

Apollo: Y'know, I think your "Mr. Armando is the god of this AU" theory may be true, Trucy.

Trucy: Of course it is! You should always trust my intuition!

"Is this really how it's going to end? Prince, Paris, Blanket… I'm sorry…"

Then the wave of coffee hit Michael and he was reminded of those terrible burns and much much more.

Now I guess, Michael is dead.

Or… is he really?

Apollo: I guess it was obvious that he wasn't going to escape. Oh well…

Trucy: Are you really that sad, Polly?

Apollo: What? No! It's just a fic after all… and Michael Jackson is dead anyway.

[The lights turn back on.]

Ema: It was sweet that he thought about his kids in the end, but this was a weird experience.

Klavier: Yeah… I was out of character, and so was Herr Jackson. I think.

Trucy: Hey, I actually thought this was fun!

Apollo: Of course you did.

Trucy: *gets up* What, you didn't?

Apollo: *also stands up* No.

Trucy: Aww, it wasn't that bad! C'mon, admit it, you totally had fun.

[And so, they leave the theatre, arguing all the way, and soon Klavier and Ema leave behind them. Thus ends this "celebrity" sporking. Hey, is this our first fic where a famous person was a main character?]

Speakers: Well, there was the one with Hulk Hogan, but I'm not sure if we could call him a main character of that fic…

[Oh, right! How could I forget about that? Well, we'll see you next time!]