Needs more loofahs :P

---

O.o Stalker much?

Down an english fair, one evening I was there, When I saw sombody shouting down below the square...
I've got a loverly box of coconuts,
Here they are a-standing in a rhow,
Big ones ( ), small ones ( ),
Some as bg as your head...

---

I shall now fix this.

---

Reminds me of this, I don't remember where it's from though...

---

Cough.

---

It's the word of the day!

---

Good morning.
Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me.
Yes, sir?
I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'.
Ah. You wish to buy it?
That's right. Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it aint worth it.
Well it's come from a very good home - it's house trained.
...
Chest of drawers? Chest. Drawers. I'd like some chest of drawers please.
Yes, sir.
Does it go?
Er, it's over there in the corner.
Oh. Pram for sale. Any offers. I'd like a bit of pram please.
Ah yes, sir. That's in good condition.
Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh?
Yes, here it is you see.
Babysitter. No, it's a babysitter. Babysitter?
Babysitter.
Babysitter - I don't want a babysitter. Be a blood donor - that's it. I'd like to give some blood please, argh! Oh spit. Which one is it?
*Sigh...*
Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week. What does that mean?

---

(Edgeworth trying to get his job.)
It says in your resume, that you compair yourself to Lucky Charms. Why is that?
Can't you see!?
I'm magically delicious!
Can't argue with that logic! Your hired!

---

DECADE, even.

---

peek-aboo!

Chinese Infantry presents (using one hand to type and the other to masturbate):




Da Cast of Peoples and Shit:

( ) Who holds a deep dark secret.

I know his secret, bitch! He's gay!

YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!

( ) Who holds powers that can channel the dead.

( ) Who holds no secret concerning his sexual preference.

( ) Who holds a cup of coffee in one hand and a pimp cane in the other.

( ) Who holds no intelligence whatsoever.

And now, the man who holds the title for hottest, sexiest, and most awesome defense attorney ever:

PHOENIX FUCKIN' WRIGHT, BITCHES!

Hello. Hola. Bonjour. Ciao. Hi in whatever language you speak. Anyways, with the release of Trials and Tribulations...

I THOUGHT IT STOOD FOR TITS AND TRIBADISM!

I thought you only talked like that for movie reviews...

WELL, SOMEHOW, THE MOVIE AMERICAN GANGSTER MANAGED TO GIVE ME AN ERECTION SO POWERFUL, IT TORE OPEN THE CROTCH OF MY PANTS! THEN I WENT OUT AND DRANK A VIAGRA MILKSHAKE, SO NOW IT WON'T GO AWAY.

I want you now to think of both Bloodrayne movies at the same time. That, and Sonic the Hedgehog for the Xbox360.

*Loses erection* Aww, why did you make me do that, pal?

Because Idiot Gumshoe has a smaller text size than Horny Movie Reviewer Gumshoe.

Ohhh...

Whatever. Lets just get this over with. Issue number 1: Edgeworth's sexuality. Apparently, a lot of people in the PW Fandom seem to have this hunch that Edgeworth is gay. The question is: are they telling the truth or talking trash? We will start with the man in question, Miles Edgeworth.

Alright, for the last fucking time. Just because I wear a cravat, drink tea, enjoy bubblebaths and read Croik's Fanfiction DOES NOT MEAN I'M GAY, YOU FUCKING SON OF A FUCK!

I seem to recall this phrase being uttered: "Do I really inspire this sort of frothing desire from the female masses." Certainly suggests you aren't interested in women, my friend.

CAPCOM PAID ME TO SAY THAT! I ONLY ACCEPTED BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS A WAY FOR ME TO EXPRESS MY DISDAIN FOR MY FANGIRLS!

Uh-huh, keep telling yourself that. I'm also aware that your sexuality was brought to trial recently...

And no verdict was reached. I swear, they interrupted me, right in the middle of my afternoon bubblebath, and dragged me down to the courthouse in a bathrobe just so I could hear those fuckers ramble on about "Oh, Edgeworth's a homo!" and "NO HE'S NOT, BITCH!" I swear. I want to sue both of them for wasting my time and PUBLIC HUMILIATION!

But what about your disdain for wom...

I'M AN ASEXUAL MAN WHO IS PANSEXUAL WHEN HE NEEDS HIS ALONE TIME! HAPPY NOW!?

...Maya, sweetheart?

Cmon, Mr. Edgeworth. There's nothing wrong with being gay. Just come out already, you'll feel a lot better once you do.

BUT I'M NOT GAY!

That's what they all say. What about the rest of you.

YUP, HE'S A GRADE-A HOMOSEXUAL!

Of course he's an ass humper, bitch. That's what I've been saying this whole time!

JUST BECAUSE I ADMIRE HIM MEANS NOTHING! I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT MAN MR. EDGEWORTH!

I'm going to assume you said yes...

OHH YOU ALL CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Also, I asked the following people for their opinion.

musouka: Yep, he's gay, because *insert long explanation here*
Can'tFakeTheFunk: Gay as can be. Now give me that $20 you owe me.
hamza: I eelergetic speng bab! (Translation: Edgeworth is gay indeed)
Diego Armando: No, I will not have sex with you, CI! Stop asking!
A caveman that I transported to modern day: EDGEWORTH MAN WHO LIKE OTHER MAN!

Mystery solved. Issue number 2: Jean Armstrong. I know he's French, but come on. This guy is fruitier than an apple orchard, he manages to get himself into more debt than a credit card addict and his cooking is punishment for small children. How can a man be so fucked up? Edgeworth, we'll start off with you.

Dude, I sooo do not envy the fact that you had to cross examine him.

Believe me. He wasn't the worst person I've ever had to cross examine.

All I can say is a warning to all future parents: don't do drugs during pregnancy.

How true. Maya...

HE TOUCHED MY ASS DURING WAITRESS TRAINING! *sobs*

*Holds Maya while kissing her head* there, there honey. There there. Gant, your opinion.

BEST SEX I EVER HAD WITH HIM WAS WHEN I FORCED HIM TO EAT HIS OWN COOKING WHILE I FUCKED HIM IN THE ASS.

Gant, why hasn't your dick been chopped off yet?

HO HO, WRIGHTO, MAH BOI! THEY ALREADY TRIED THAT! IT GREW BACK FIVE SECONDS LATER! THEN THEY DID IT AGAIN, ONLY TO HAVE IT GROW BACK AGAIN! I THEN JERKED OFF TO THE PAIN OF THE ORDEAL! THE MORAL: YOU CAN'T STOP GANT RAEPING TIME!

Gant...you bring a new meaning to the phrase "fucked up." Godot, what have you to say.

I FIGURED IT OUT, BITCH!

Ohh goody. Would you care to share with the class.

THIS GUY IS YOUR FATHER! COMBINED WITH THE FACT THAT EDGEWORTH IS GAY, IT EXPLAIN WHY YOU TWO CAN'T STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER!

Godot...it takes a special kind of idiot to mistake the last name "Wright" with "Armstrong".

Say what, Mr. Trite?

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

I figured, now that Trials and Tribulations has made it to the US, calling you Maruhodou would no longer be appropriate. Therefore, from now on, you are Mr. Trite: Ace Edgeworthfucker.

(What I do to deserve to be fucked over like this?) Gumshoe, please take the floor for the sake of my sanity.

He touched my willy.

Meh. Good enough for me. Issue number 3: That movie The Grid: Revelations. I swear, it had more holes in it than Jean Armstrong's testimony. Edgeworth, care to explain how a movie can suck so bad.

Did Uwe Boll direct it?

No

Then I'm stuck.

Maya, sweetie.

*Kisses Phoenix passionately on the lips.*

*Kisses back*

That is for not making me see that movie, Nickykins.

Aww, thanks. Gant?

Does it have any of the following: naked little boys, naked little girls, naked men, ass licking, watersports, foot fetishes, incest, cheese grater masturbation, animal masturbation, mutual masturbation, loli masturbation, shota masturbation, masturbation with a chainsaw, or horse raping a man up the ass?

GOD NO!

Then to be frank, this movie isn't worth my time.

(I don't know who's the bigger pervert: Gant for having all of these fetishes or Chinese Infantry for writing about them.)Godot...

WORST $10 I EVER SPENT, BITCH.

For once, I agree with you. Gumshoe...

OHH GOD! NOT ONLY DID MY ERECTION COME BACK, BUT NOW I'M ABOUT TO BLOW MY LOAD!

Fuck....

I'M CUMMING!

TAKE COVER!

ULTRA MEGA CUM ATTACK! *Insert orgasm here*

GODDAMMIT, GUMSHOE! DID YOU HAVE TO AIM IT AT US!

Gumshoe, this is why your paycheck keeps getting smaller.

EEEK! I'M COVERED IN MAN CHOWDER THAT ISN'T NICK'S! EEEEWWWW

*Eats* TASTES SALTY! DO IT AGAIN!

MAH VISOR! YA GOT JIZZ ON MAH VISOR, BITCH! I'D PIMP SLAP YOU IF I COULD SEE!

Coming next time, assuming we can prevent Gumshoe from getting a hard on, we will venture into even more fascinating topics that will possibly scar you for life, kinda like being covered in someone else's semen. MEETING ADJOURNED. Me and my wife Maya are going to take a long shower and then get FUCKING STERILIZED!

---

Hey CI, your funny was great, YAY no more loofah talk!! J/K
Anyway when Apollo Justice comes out will you give the characters in the bath tub a break or something?

---

*The channeling in case 2-2 is begining*
Now let's wait here-
Hold it granny. Why can't we come in?
You must follow our rules.
What rules? This is madness!
Madness...?
THIS
IS
KURIAN VILLAGE!

---

You cant remain silent! This is madness!!!!!!!

Madness?

THIS
IS
HOW
I
BECAME
A
HOBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_______________________________________________________

I hate that joke......

---

And now for something completely different:
Making fun of YuGiOh Abridged!

Previously in the PW Funnies thread...
Nick, I think I'm pregnant, and Edgeworth's the father!
Larry, don't leave me!
I'm sorry, Gumshoe, it's just not working out between us.
But I love you!
Nick, I think I'm pregnant, and Hotti's the father!
Yanni! So you're the one who shot Larry!
Yes, it was I!
Nick, I think I'm pregnant, and Kristoph's the-
No f*cking way.
Okay, I lied about that one.
This time, Mr. Trite, you don't stand a ghost of a chance!
Nick, I think I'm pregnant, and you're the father!
And now, the thrilling conclusion!
Wait a minute, did any of that stuff actually happen?

---

CI, I liked your funny, up until the very end...Then it just got disturbing...Okay, I'll go away for another month.

---

Mr. EB, it's okay to be a little freaked out, most of the GOOD funnies do that.

---

Just for you...

This thread needs more loofah.

---

I won't argue with you...for sooooo many reasons...

---

Ah, just for you.

---

>.>

---

You love it really.

---

>.>....No. End of Story.

---

I'm a guy who flies under the flag of Perverted Jackass.

Trust me, when you see my name on a funny, you know it's fucked. I write for those as depraved as I am.

---

Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit, and I said 'Goodbye', and you were like,

NOOOOO WAAAAAAY!!!

And then I was all, 'We pretended we were going to murder you'. That was great.

Would you like your yoast with tears, because I'm sad...

Gah, I suck. Ive sunk to a new law, Songs to Wear Pants To refrences....

---

(Wow... I haven't seen too many Edgy alone time jokes or Gant rape time jokes lately. What happened? And where did the Gant jokes originate?)

---

I think it was in case 5 of AA where Gant asks to talk to Ema alone and kicks phoenix out. I believe thats where people got it from

---

(Oh... disturbing thought...
Not for me!!!!)

---

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

---

(Where are the Christmas jokes?)

---

Don't worry. I wouldn't expect anything different. And don't worry Dofa, I'll write a Christmas funny to replace the fact I didn't finish writing my Halloween fic in time.

---

---

.... I didn't!

---

hes to powerful!
yes he is!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
we must fuse!
alright!

fuuu


sion!

HA!
???: WE HAVE BECOME...

THE ULTIMATE FUSION!
NOOOOOOOOOOO
TAKE THIS!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

& WE WON!
HURRAY!!!


END...?

---

I don't get it. What does Edgeworth have that I don't? Aside from the fangirls, and money, and those gorgeous grey eyes...

Don't forget my sweet a**.

Yeah, and a sweet a** but othet than that, he's got Nothing!


Love these references!

---

The Gant Song!
Author's Note: This was originally posted in the "Phoenix Wright: The Musical!" thread. Since we're not doing RFTA, I posted it just as an idea. Now I post it in the Funnies for all to enjoy.

........

...HO! HO! HO!
Hello, me boy! How grand it is to see you, truly grand! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Damon Gant.

Uh...thank you, Mr. Gant. I am Phoenix Wright, a defense attorney.

Why, I was saying just this morning, "I hope a lawyer comes and visits me today!" and here you are! How about we go swimming sometime?

N-not right now, Mr. Gant. I have some questions to ask you.

Ask away then, Wrighto!

(...Did he just call me "Wrighto?") Uh, certainly. You are the chief of police here, correct?

.............

Indeed I am!
I'm the chief of police, I say,
It's really quite sublime!
Criminals are apprehended
Almost all the time!
The chances of a prisoner escaping
Are truly quite slim
But why waste time with paperwork
When it's more fun to swim?

He likes to dress in orange
And he wears a cross-shaped tie
He plays the organ far too loud
And he rarely asks "Why?"
But he's an excellent commander
Despite his need to swim
And every day is a jolly one
When you work with him!


I'm truly a noble man
My good qualities are not scant
I wear pink sunglasses
Because I'm Damon Gant!
Why, just ask my subordinates!

His stares are a bit unnerving
And he's not one to ask "When?"
He can be quite self-serving
But excepting that, he's the best of men!

His organ is really loud
You can hear it across the hall
His temper is something to be feared
But he's a great pal, all in all!

He's slightly terrifying
And his organ's in need of grease
But every day's a grand old one
Because he's chief of police!
And while his anger may remind
You of Genghis Khan
He's a glorious chief of police
He's the grandest one!
He's truly a noble man
His good qualities are not scant
He wears pink sunglasses
Because he's Damon Gant!
BECAUSE HE'S DAMON GANT!

---

*ring ring ring*

*falls out of closet,picks up phone*
Phoenix
...hello?
...what?
..no...I don't work today...
..I'm playing hockey at two!
..why don't you call Miles..
..because I'm fuckin' tireed!
*is lying down on the bed* *yaawn..*
..I just closed last night!
jesus..
What time do you think you're gonna come in?
twelve?Be there by twelve?where?
Swear you'll be there by twelve and I'll do it.
Twelve?alright.
Lawyers.
*opens door,turns lights on,puts papers and coffee down*
..shit.
*puts newest papers down,goes to open windows*
*windows won't open,he kicks the metal covering it*
*grabs some paper,cuts self,uses blood to write*

"I ASSURE YOU,WE'RE OPEN!"

*Gives person coffee*
You mind if I drink this here?
Sure,whatever..
You open?*walks in*
Yep.
Pack of cigarettes.
Are you sure?
..Am I sure?
Are you sure?
Am I sure about what?
Do you REALLY want to buy those cigarettes?
How long you been a smoker?
I dunno,since I was 13?
Thirteen..So,you're about nineteen,twenty?Am I right?*pulls something out of a bag*
What in the HELL is that?
*points to bleeding,fresh lung*
That's your lung.By this time,your lung looks like this.
..you've got to be shitting me.
You think I'm shitting you?Here,look.
What's this?
It's a trake ring.It's what they install in your throat when throat cancer takes your voicebox.
This one came out of a sixty-year old man.
*drops it*oh,god..
He smoked until the day he died.He used to put the cigarette in the thing and smoke it that way.
Uh,excuse me?Could you--
This is where you're heading.Cruddy lung,smoking through a hole in your throat..do you really want that?
Well,if it's already too late then--
No,no no.Not late.Put it back,and buy some gum.
Not the same.
It's cheaper,and it beats this.*shows a photo*
Oh,JESUS..
It's a picture of a cancer-ridden lung.Keep it.
..I'll just take the gum.
You made a very wise choice--
[blur=]HOLD IT![/blur]
You're just a gum salesman.
NOOOOO!*Runs out of the store,dragging two dead bodies out*

*is outside*
*twirls coat around,gives it to Gumshoe,and drinks coffee*
We gonna get some ASS!YEAH!
*punches the air*
Larry and Silent Gumshoe
I'm feeling good today,Silent Gumshoe--We're gonna make some moneyy,
and you and us are gonna have a party,we're gonna get some pussyy..
I'mma fuck this bitch,I'mma fuck this bitch..
I'll fuck anything that MOVES!
*points to someone while smoking*
what the fuck you lookin' at?I'll kick your fuckin' ass!
shithead..dude,that motherfucker owe me ten bucks,y'know tonight we gonna rip off that fuckers head,
and take out his fuckin' soul.You know,if he tries to buy somethin',I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag..
*rides a bike by*
Yo,what's up baby?
*walks by*
'Sup,slut?


..And that's how you were all born,motherfuckers.
NO FUCKING WAY!
I'M A FAILURE!
TIME PARADOX!TIME PARADOX!TIME PARADOX!

---

{Larry apparently lost some old tax reciepts}
Well, let's say hypothetically Larry can't find these sales records, what's the deal then, prison?
Well, there's no such thing as tax prison, you don't have to worry about that.
Oh I wasn't worrying... I was suggesting.
----------
If I start a introspection class will you join?
That depends.
On what?
On what is introspection?
Oh okay. Introspection is a method of examining your mental and emotional state...
You lost me.
Oh, come on Nick. Don't you wanna unify your mind and body?
No, I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket.
----------
{Gumshoe, in a bad mood}
Hey, Gumshoe just gave me a parking ticket!
Yeah, he gave me on too, and I parked in the parking lot!
Yeah, well I wasn't even parked! I was stopped at a stop sign, he came running out from behind a bush!

Heres somthing i just notaced. In PW, all the side-kicks have boobs.









and ..... *shuter*

---