Court Records

Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!
Page 65 of 67

Author:  HeroMan66475 [ Sun Sep 17, 2017 7:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

DrOcsid wrote:
Yeah, super-popular stuff like FNAF has way worse fandoms than Ace Attorney. The AA community is pretty tame as far as fandoms go, honestly.

must explain why everybody wishes the series to be dead and that eshiro an yamazaki are ruining it and there's o hope for the fuutre.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sun Sep 17, 2017 10:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Sounds to me like you're hearing this from a rather vocal minority, Hero. I haven't heard that in a while honestly. In fact, I've been seeing more love for Yamazaki games recently.

At least we're aren't filled to the brim with as many....children as we were about a decade back *coughcoughdanganronpacoughcough*

Author:  HeroMan66475 [ Sun Sep 17, 2017 4:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Socot wrote:
Sounds to me like you're hearing this from a rather vocal minority, Hero. I haven't heard that in a while honestly. In fact, I've been seeing more love for Yamazaki games recently.

At least we're aren't filled to the brim with as many....children as we were about a decade back *coughcoughdanganronpacoughcough*

if only you knew which side of the fandom i had to witness day after day after day.

Author:  DrOcsid [ Sun Sep 17, 2017 4:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

HeroMan66475 wrote:
DrOcsid wrote:
Yeah, super-popular stuff like FNAF has way worse fandoms than Ace Attorney. The AA community is pretty tame as far as fandoms go, honestly.

must explain why everybody wishes the series to be dead and that eshiro an yamazaki are ruining it and there's o hope for the fuutre.

If by "everybody" you mean "a very small amount of people" then sure.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sun Sep 17, 2017 4:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

HeroMan66475 wrote:
Socot wrote:
Sounds to me like you're hearing this from a rather vocal minority, Hero. I haven't heard that in a while honestly. In fact, I've been seeing more love for Yamazaki games recently.

At least we're aren't filled to the brim with as many....children as we were about a decade back *coughcoughdanganronpacoughcough*

if only you knew which side of the fandom i had to witness day after day after day.

Which side is it?

Author:  TurtleCat [ Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hey, anybody know where the undone sporking list went?

Author:  Southern Corn [ Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

TurtleCat wrote:
Hey, anybody know where the undone sporking list went?

AFAIK it hasn't even been updated in over a year now. Interest has been slowly waning down lately sadly.

Author:  TurtleCat [ Thu Sep 28, 2017 7:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I figured, but it is still going along and I wanted to try another sporking. Why not, right? What was the last page it was on - about a year ago, you said?

And I don't know, theres nlots of good fic out there, and I'm pretty sure we're sporking out of love... right?

Author:  Skittlemask [ Fri Sep 29, 2017 12:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Ah, I updated the list last, over a year ago. Here's the link. But yeah, it's kinda old.

Also, this thread kinda devolved from "Let's spork bad fanfiction" to "Let's spork fanfiction that would be fun for the characters to react to," hahaha.

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Well, it was always allowed to spork one-sahwit rated fics (my very first spork was of a pretty decent fic because I just saw lots of ways to have fun with it). Plus, while the awfully bad fics are very sporkable, I think they work best as highlights inbetween other sporks (of fics with a friendlier rating). Too much of them in direct order gets old and the awfulness loses its effect.
So I'd say go ahead and spork whatever you want, just rate it accordingly.
(And now that I'm back to read this forum again, I'd happily read your spork and comment on it. :))

Author:  Southern Corn [ Thu Oct 26, 2017 2:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hello everyone! It's been a while since the last sporking, eh? So I've returned with one, also posted on the beta forums! Introducing...

by Pearl the Barrister

Rating: :sahwit: :sahwit:

This one honestly isn't too bad. It's actually pretty funny in some parts, and it has a strange kind of charm to it. One sahwit is simply for the mild OOCness in the fic as well as the out of nowhere OC. The other is for the fact that Franziska invites every AA character to the wedding (which is in Miami for whatever reason). Even the animals, killers and victims. Geez. But it's still a fun fic overall, and I think it'll be something good to spork and have more fun with.

Anyway, introducing....the sporkers!

:phoenix: - "I hoped that this break would be permanent. Apparently not."
:edgeworth: - "If only, Wright. You're too optimistic considering what we go through in this accursed theatre."
:maya: - "Well, there's only 2 Sahwits this time, so it's not like it's gonna be that bad, right?"
:pearl: - "Eh? Mystic Maya, what's a 'Sa-Whits'?"
:franny: - "How foolish it is that I must undergo this once more."
:kay: - "Geez, I've actually been properly invited to this place for once?"

Well, let's get started now!

[After a long break, we finally return to the sporking theatre, where our sporkers have seated themselves.]

Edgeworth: Does anyone know today's topic? Personally, I have zero idea what it could be.

Maya: Other than the rating? Sorry, Mr. Edgeworth, but I've got zilch.

Phoenix: Zip.

Kay: ...Nada?

Pearl: Um...what is this place, Mr. Nick? Is this where we watch Kid's Masterpiece Theatre?

Phoenix: Oh yeah, this is your first time here as a child, I thi-

Franziska: Phoenix Wright! Why have you brought along this child with you?! whip crack

Phoenix: Ow ow ow! Don't blame me, it was the management! They asked her to come!

Speakers: Geez, passing on the blame so early? I don't blame you, though. And by the way, please don't break the fourth wall like that, Mr. Wright.

Kay: Aggh! They're here!

Franziska: Management! What is this tomfoolery?!

Speakers: Calm down. There's a very good reason why we brought along little Pearl. You'll see when we start the fic.

Kay: Okay, that's nice and all, but what about me?!

Edgeworth: Come to think of it, this might be the first time you've properly shown up here since Once Upon a Turnabout.

Speakers: Oh, that? Well, we just wanted to invite you here to show you that there is no escape this time around.

Kay: Eh? Wassat mean?

Speakers: Simply put, this theatre is escape-proof. So don't go trying to leave halfway through, 'kay?

Kay: Oh yeah?! We'll see about that! Hyah!

Edgeworth: Kay! Wait! (Where is she going to?)

Franziska: How foolish of her. Why did you not at least try to restrain her?

Phoenix: Yeah. (It's almost like they're encouraging her.)

Pearl: D-don't worry! I see her coming back!

Maya: Huh?

Edgeworth: What?!

Kay: ...

Speakers: What did we tell you?

[Kay sits herself down, not making eye contact with any of the others.]

Maya: It...really is impossible, huh?

Kay: ...

Speakers: Well, there's no time to waste. Let's get right into this, shall we?


Chapter 1: Miami Bound

Phoenix: Qu-what?

Edgeworth: Québécois refers to an inhabitant of Quebec, or the variation of French spoken over there.

Pearl: this Kay-Beck located in My-Ami, Mr. Eh-ji-werth?

Franziska: Don't be foolish, of course it is not. The author is simply not well versed in their geography.

Maya: What a weird title.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ace Attorney/Gyakuten Saiban. I do not own any publicly recognizable characters. I only own Quick-Air, because it doesn't exist.

Kay: Quick-Air? Is that some kind of airline?

Edgeworth: Not iFly?

Phoenix: By the author's logic, they might as well own us since we technically don't-

Speakers: Ahem.

Phoenix: ! Never mind.

Franziska: Who has written this travesty, anyway?

Maya: We don't know if it's a travesty ye- whip OWWW!

Pearl: Mystic Maya! Are you alright?!

Maya: Y-yes. I-I'm fine, Pearly. Really.


By Pearl the Barrister

Phoenix: What.

Pearl: E-eh?

Maya: P-Pearly?!

Franziska: Ah, so it was you who wrote it then. Very well, I suppose it's understandable for a child your age to not be well versed in writing.

Pearl: B-but I didn't! I really didn't write this!

Edgeworth: Obviously not. It just was written by someone with a similar name. (Who is a barrister as well.)

Kay: Why'd they write the title twice anyway?

Miles Edgeworth sighed. He felt like hitting his head on the cheap plastic tray in front of him. Edgeworth was sitting in a cheap discount first class seat 8E in a cheap discount airliner owned by a cheap discount airline.

Maya: I'm noticing a pattern here.

Edgeworth: How. How did this happen?

Phoenix: Why is the first class so cheap? What kinda plane is this?

Now, he could have been flying in World Traveler class on Pan Am (an airline that had been defunct for over 30 years or so) if he wanted. But, he couldn't, thanks to Franziska's GRAND idea.

Kay: How does that work?

Franziska: whip crack Miles Edgeworth! You know that defunct means no longer in service, correct? Then it is IMPOSSIBLE to travel on the airline, you fool!

Edgeworth: Ngghooooh!

Edgeworth and Franziska were getting married in Miami in three days. That was the easy part.

Edgeworth: The easy part?!

Franziska: What?! whip crack

Pearl: gasp You two are....special someones..?

Maya: Oh no. Pearly, Pearly! Don't go there!

Phoenix: (Poor Edgeworth. So this is why they made me bring Pearl here today.)

Kay: Miami? Why there?

Franziska: This foolish fool of an author does not realise that I am a von Karma! If I will be married, it will only be to a man who is at the same level of perfection as me! And it will only be in Germany, the land of perfection!

Phoenix: (I'm sensing a little bias on that last par-) whip OWWW!

Franziska: Don't think I can't tell what you are thinking, Phoenix Wright!

But then, Franziska had decided to invite EVERYONE they knew- even the dead ones and the ones in prison (that had been a slight problem). She had even offered to pay for everyone to get there.

Everyone: ...

Edgeworth: facepalm

Maya: Wow.

Pearl: Is this feat even possible?

Kay: So they've got killers as well as rotting corpses on that plane? Nice to know.

Phoenix: This is wildly generous for Franziska. Thoughts?

Franziska: ...I refuse to comment on such a foolish thing.

He had nearly fainted when he heard that. Franziska was not known for her generosity, but rather for her whip.

Edgeworth: They aren't even trying to justify this!

And so, he had had to find the cheapest airline possible for 125 people and 5 animals.

Kay: And now animals as well?! What a plane.

Maya: Though I'd think Franziska knew more than 12- whip YEOOWW!

Franziska: Of course I do! This author is simply generalising based on the people I have met in this foolish country!

The cheapest airline was called Quick-Air and sold first class tickets for 20 round-trip from LAX to Miami and back. He had done the math and figured out that with 20 tickets for 20, and 105 tickets for 10, along with other costs, they would be paying 2,041.30 for transportation alone, not including the actual wedding (about 10k). Edgeworth looked sadly at his pocketbook stuffed with too many receipts and not enough money.

Edgeworth: Why am I going with this?

Pearl: Oh, wow! You really would do anything for her, wouldn't you, Mr. Eh-ji-werth?

Edgeworth: What?!

Maya: At least we know what Quick-Air is now.

Phoenix: And what an airliner it is.

Kay: Based on how cheap they sound, the author can own them for all I care.

But he had other things to worry about. Like the fact that someone was kicking the back of his chair.

Aggravated, he turned around and saw Maya kicking the plastic tray. A hamburger was stuck in one of the thick plastic bolts. "STUPID TRAY! YOU ATE MY BURGER!"

Maya: What?! That's totally rude of you, tray!

Kay: How does that even work?

Edgeworth sighed again. "Maya, will you please stop KICKING THE BACK OF MY SEAT!"

Maya, who was trying unsuccessfully to use her teeth to get the burger unstuck from the tray, looked up innocently. "OK, Mr. Edgeworth."

Maya: Okay, fic-me could've totally pulled it out by now.

Sighing for at least the 100th time in that hour, Edgeworth settled back into his seat, in what had to be the only row with extra seats in the whole plane.

"Attention, passengers," rang out a voice, "we will be stopping in Las Vegas shortly for about ten or fifteen minutes or so."

Phoenix: This Quick-Air is sounding more and more professional by the minute.

After that it was quiet for about six or seven seconds. Then, suddenly, a cry came from about a two rows in front of Edgeworth.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" screamed Prosecutor Godot to a flight attendant. "YOU PUT MILK into my coffee!"

Edgeworth: While that is indeed in character for Mr. Godot, I highly doubt he would be considered a Prosecutor anymore.

Franziska: They really are just putting murderers in the plane?!

The flight attendant ignored him and walked off. Edgeworth sighed again.

Phoenix: Extremely professional.


Meanwhile, in seat 45Z, Franziska von Karma, soon to be Franziska Edgeworth, sighed. If the conditions were bad in first class, they were certainly worse than abysmal in the very back of third class.

Kay: Why's the Whip Lady in third class?

Maya: She is the bride, after all. She should be next to Mr. Edgeworth!

Pearl: Yes, special someones should never be separated like that!

Franziska: Grrr! I would never change my perfect name of von Karma for such a fool as Miles Edgeworth!

The seats were at least 2 times smaller than the tiny ones in first class, and they had tried to fit seven seats into one row on a narrow-body airliner. Meaning that they had no aisles except for one tiny one at the end. Franziska figured it would take them 30 minutes just to get off the plane.

Phoenix: It's almost as though inviting everyone you knew in America was a bad idea.

Franziska: I know that, Phoenix Wright! whip crack


Maya: Geez, Nick, you scream like a girl more than I do.

Phoenix: (Agh! That totally strikes my manly bars...)

And to make matters even worse for her, Franziska was wedged in the sixth seat in the row, right next to Plum Kitaki (in seat 45AA) and Marvin Grossberg (in seat 45Y). This basically meant she couldn't move for six hours.

Edgeworth: I do not believe Franziska knows either of those people.

Phoenix: Heck, even I don't recognise the one to the left of her.

Kay: This sounds really terrible.

But she could whip people. She had whipped Plum 42 times, Grossberg 81 times, Adrian Andrews (in seat 44Y) 10 times, and Matt Engarde (in seat 44Z) 30 times.

Pearl: gasp That nasty man is here too?!

Phoenix: Adrian as well. (Though I somehow can't believe Franziska whipping her.)

She channeled her anger into her whip one more time and whipped Grossberg for the 82nd time.

"Oh my stars! The days of my youth flash before my eyes, the scent of fresh lemon..." Grossberg dozed back off to sleep after being startled awake.

Kay: So counting this, she's whipped everyone 164 times.

Franziska: I do not blame myself for doing so.

Maya: Like they say, no kill like overkill.

Finally, the plane landed in Las Vegas. Of course, they couldn't actually get out, but it calmed Franziska's nausea for a few minutes or so. At 3:00 PM they took off again, bound for Miami.

Phoenix: It'd make more sense to land in Quebec considering the title.

Edgeworth: No, that would conflict with the route we're taking. We wouldn't suddenly stop in Canada for no reason. That would take more time than even going to Miami.

Phoenix: ...Oh. (Darn it, Edgeworth!)


Edgeworth, who had dozed off, was startled awake by something very large and very heavy falling onto him.

Kay: What, we're switching perspectives now?

Pearl: What is this large and heavy thing?

What will happen? This is only the first chapter of what will probably be six-twelve or so, all the way from the plane flight to Edgey/Franzy wedding to AJ and so on. Please R and R!

Pearl: AJ? R and R?

Edgeworth: R and R, I presume, stands for 'Rate and Review'. I have no idea what AJ stands for though.

Phoenix: ...Oh. A chapter end?

Maya: What a cliffhanger though!

Kay: Wait, twelve chapters? That's a lot. Will we be able to do all that?

Speakers: The author only actually wrote 5 chapters, so we'll be sporking those. Anyway, next chapter!

Chapter 2: Flying Along

Phoenix: Things are going flyingly well, I guess.

Edgeworth: You're thinking of swimmingly, Wright.

Disclaimer: Unless I magically was able to gain control over AA in the past few hours, which I didn't, I don't own AA.

Franziska: That is a relief.

Location: Seat 8E

"AAUGH!" he screamed. A black-and-green striped suitcase had fallen out of the half-broken overhead basket (yes, I said BASKET!).

Pearl: Why is there a basket, Mr. Nick?

Phoenix: I think that may be this airline's cheap version of a luggage compartment, Pearls.

Edgeworth: More importantly, I am surprised that that suitcase did not kill me instantaneously.

Then he noticed everyone was looking at him. "Uh, sorry..." he murmured.

Hoping to find something to ease the intense pain, he pressed the "call flight attendant" button. It didn't work. Finally he figured out it was broken.

Kay: Yeesh, you should at least get a first aid kit or something, Mr. Edgeworth. I think there might be blood coming out of your noggin.

"Ugh..." he groaned.

After sitting in pain for a few minutes, he stood up and headed back towards one of the latrines. Unfortunately, just as he was standing up, someone pulled on their overhead basket to take something out, and it broke, falling onto Edgeworth's head.

Edgeworth screamed again.

Maya: Okay, no way he's still alive at this point.

Franziska: At the very least, Miles Edgeworth should have suffered more than a little headache.

Phoenix: Something like a cerebral hemorrhage.

"Oops," came a familiar voice. "Sorry."

Edgeworth turned around to face Phoenix Wright, who was sheepishly holding the handle of the broken basket.

"Don't worry about it," he said gruffly, turning around and heading towards the lavatories.

Edgeworth: Most likely to find some bandages or perhaps a doctor.

Maya: Say Nick, is there anyone here we know who's a doctor?

Phoenix: Well, since the author apparently is a necromancer, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Grey were here. Oh, and I think I see Eldoon. He used to be a doctor too, I hear. And if he counts, I guess Dr. Hot- whip AAAAUGH!

Franziska: Do not say that name in front of me, Phoenix Wright!

Phoenix: whimper Sorry...

"Mr. Edgeworth does seem grumpy today, doesn't he, Nick?" Maya inquired of Phoenix as they picked up their luggage that had once resided in the broken basket.

"I wouldn't blame him," replied Phoenix.

Maya: Yeah, really.

Location: Seat 45Z

Franziska von Karma whipped Dee Vasquez (in seat 45Q) for at least the tenth time in that hour. "FOOLISH FOOL!! DO NOT SOIL MY LUGGAGE WITH YOUR TOBACCO!!"

Kay: Which brings the total to at least 174.

Maya: Ms. Vasquez never really seemed to be the type to litter, though.

Franziska had gone whip mad in the past few minutes. Anyone who as much as blinked felt her wrath.

"Oh, my hemorrhoids..." complained Marvin Grossberg, who had been whipped over 300 times that day.

Kay: Oh, um...that's a lot, then. I can't even keep count of this anymore.

Maya: You did a good job though!

"Fool!" screamed Franziska, whipping him.

Adrian Andrews (seat 44Y) turned around in her seat. "Franziska, don't you think you're going a little overboard?"

"Nonsense!" she barked. "Foolish fools don't know how to act and must be whipped!"

Edgeworth: Quite hypocritical coming from the woman who invited them here.

Franziska: I cannot argue with that. My fictional self is not perfect, it seems.

Adrian sighed.

Location: Seat 7E

Phoenix Wright leaned back in his uncomfortably stiff chair. "Aah, this is the life," he thought sarcastically.

Pearl: Now we're back to Mr. Nick?

Phoenix: Just be thankful you're in first class, fic-me.

He reached forward to grab some flashy magazine in the pocket of the seat in front of him.

Sitting back in the (cardboard) chair, he looked around him. Maya was gorging herself on plasticine-looking mini-burgers,

Maya: Wow, author. My standards aren't that low. I wouldn't eat something that looks more like a child's art project- no, not to you, Pearly- than a proper meat sandwich.

Phoenix: (A proper meat sandwich which you get with my money.)

Edgeworth was reading something (unaware that his half-broken overhead basket was dangerously close to falling on his head),

Kay: Okay, this is going to be the third time now. Do you really think he wouldn't notice?

Edgeworth: I would at the least wear a helmet of some sort to protect myself. And definitely report it to the crew, though judging by the apathetic nature of the staff I doubt it.

and Moe the clown had been knocked out by Regina's tiger for telling too many abysmal jokes.

Maya: Wa-What?

Pearl: Eek! A tiger!

Franziska: I cannot say that this was truly undeserved, however.

Phoenix: (True.)

Phoenix was in an uncomfortable position, although he didn't know it. Vera Misham (in seat 7F) and Neil Marshall (in seat 7D) were shooting each other murderous glances, and Phoenix was sitting between both of them.

Maya: Wait, where am I in all of this?

Kay: Huh? Yeah, you're right. The author said that you were directly behind Mr. Edgeworth, but that'd be seat 8E in that case since he's in seat 7E.

Phoenix: Which is where I'm sitting.

Franziska: So? It is merely a continuity error. There are far worse points to pick at.

Phoenix: murmur That's pretty bias-

Franziska: What did you say?

Phoenix: Nothing!

It was about 7:56 PM when the dinner cart came around. "Hello," said the flight attendant cheerfully. "What would you like? "

"I'll have one chili, please," replied Phoenix, "and a ham sandwich."

"I'll have the same," Vera muttered under gritted teeth.

"Same here," replied Neil, under equally gritted teeth.

Phoenix: That reminds me. Does anyone know who that Vera girl is?

Pearl: N-no.

Edgeworth: Never seen her.

Franziska: Neither have I.

Speakers: Don't worry, you will soon.

Phoenix: ?

"BURGERS WITH MUSTARD FOR ME!" screamed Maya from a row-and-a-half behind.

Kay: Wait, now you're a row and a half behind them?

Maya: This seating plan is making less and less sense.

Moe was still knocked out.

Everyone: ...

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I'll have the Jell-O," said Edgeworth.

Phoenix: Not something I thought I'd ever hear from your mouth, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Judging by the general cheapness of this plane, I doubt the cuisine is all that great anyway.

"OK, that'll be a nervous pudding, Noah's boy on bread with a hot one, give it legs and make it walk," said the flight attendant.

Kay: Huh? Say what?

Phoenix: Why are we suddenly in the '50s?

Pearl: Huh? What is she saying?

Maya: It's diner talk, Pearly. It's not something kids your age would get.

Everyone stared at her.

"What about my burger?" asked Maya, who seemed to know diner talk.

"OK, add a wimpy and slap some Mississippi mud on it."

Phoenix: And of course Maya knows this stuff better than anyone.

The food was served and paid for (with record low prices) in due time.

Everyone except Maya took one glance at the food and dumped it into a bag. Only Maya could actually EAT it.

Maya: Oh, come on! My standards are not that low! pouts

Edgeworth: As I expected, the food is terrible.

Franziska: That food looks absolutely putrid.

Kay: Even the Jell-O looks worse for wear! How do you screw up Jell-O?!

What will happen next? I think the next chapter will probably be THE last chapter before the wedding. And no, Vera/Neil is not an implied pairing. And the "nervous pudding" talk was diner talk, which was why no one could understand her but Maya. Anyways, please R and R!

Phoenix: Odd cliffhanger again, but I'm glad that we're finally getting to the meat of the thing.

Edgeworth: It's frightening that they had to reassure the readers that Vera/Neil was not an implied pairing.

Maya: And thanks for giving away the already obvious explanation about the diner talk, author.

Speakers: Anyway, onto the next chapter!

Kay: What, already? Not even any breaks?

Speakers: Nah, the snack bar's still closed after all.

Kay: Um, but I really have to go to the restroom-

Speakers: Already secured.

Kay: Whaaa?! At least give me the chance to check it out! This isn't fair!

Speakers: Eh, why not? We'll wait and see if you succeed. Sure. A ten minute break should be enough.

[The lights come back on.]

Kay: What, really? Sure! Bye guys!

Edgeworth: Wait, Kay! (...She already ran off to the restroom.)

Phoenix: Well, I guess the only thing to do now is wait.

Pearl: What? Escaping?! Is that even possible?

Maya: Yeah, Pearly! She'll be outta here before ya know it!

Franziska: Hmph. What a foolish endeavour.

Phoenix: Hey, Edgeworth. What's that magazine you're reading?

Edgeworth: Hmm? Oh, it's just news. As a prosecutor, I must keep up with the times after all.

Phoenix: Oh, okay.

Edgeworth: (Hmm. I did not expect the Evil Magistrate to survive that fatal blow. Already this new issue is playing with my expectations. I wonder if they are going to address that pivotal plot point from Issue No. 34? With the way it was presented, I doubt it was a red herring anyh- Hm?) What was that noise?

Phoenix: Wait. Don't tell me-

[Out of nowhere, a siren starts to play.]

Speakers: Wh-what!? This means that- Hey, you! What's going o- SHE'S ESCAPED?!

Pearl: Huh?!

Maya: She actually did it! Whoooop!

Phoenix: Don't tell me she actually managed to escape through the restrooms.

Edgeworth: But how could she do that so quickly? We were only waiting for about two minutes before this siren started playing.

Franziska: How foolish. If the Management cannot deliver on their word to make this theatre secure, then perhaps we should simply leave if it takes us so little time to do so.

Speakers: But how?! The restrooms were secure, I made sure of th- THE FRONT DOOR?!

Phoenix: ...Somehow the answer was even lamer than I expected.

Maya: Okay, wow. That's the first thing they SHOULD have made sure to have secured.

Speakers: HOW THE &%?# did you leave that *$!+{>¥ door unlocked?! YOU #^#$<*~**}^<#%#^}*<>\$?!-

Maya: Eek, what rude language! Don't listen to this, Pearly!

Pearl: Okay!

Edgeworth: Really though, I think we should leave no-



Phoenix: Did I hear a slam?

Edgeworth: sigh I suppose we are trapped here for good now.

Speakers: Enough distractions! Commence the next chapter!

Chapter 3: Preparations and Exclamations

Phoenix: We'll certainly be exclaiming, alright.

DISCLAIMER: See chapters 1-2.

Maya: What, did the author get too lazy to properly write the disclaimer this time? Laaame.

Location: Seat 45Z

Franziska von Karma sat upright in her straight-backed seat. This was probably the most ANNOYING thing she had ever had to do. Ever. In her life.

Franziska: Hmph. You only have yourself to blame.

The plane had been delayed by having to land in Kansas City, Jackson, and Tallahassee, meaning that it was now well past midnight when they were finally about to land in Miami.

"Attention, the seat-belt sign has been turned on. Please return to your seats and 'buckle up.' We will be landing in Miami shortly."

Edgeworth: Were those stops really necessary?

Phoenix: Knowing this airline's cheapness, probably.

Suddenly overcome with a surge of anger, Franziska channeled it into her whip and cracked it at the small piece of wood stuck in the ceiling where a basket had once been. It fell out and fell right into her luggage, splitting the zipper.

"AAUIGH!" she yelled, waking up everyone within a good fifteen or so rows.

Franziska: How foolish! whip crack If I felt the urge to whip, I would whip any one of the fools nearby!

Location: Seat 12D

Pearl Fey was startled awake by a loud scream. "What was that?"

Phoenix: Wait, Pearls is in 12D. If we're to believe that the scream is Franziska's, then it must have somehow gone through third class all the way to wherever Pearls is, which I'd estimate to be first class.

Pearl: Wow, the Prosecutor Lady must have screamed really loudly.

Franziska: I-I do not! This is just another misrepresentation of my character! Pay it no heed!

Location: Cockpit

The pilot veered the nose of the plane down and prepared to land the plane.

Some time later... Location: The Viance Hotel, Miami, Florida

Edgeworth: Thank goodness. The cheapness of the airline was beginning to grate on me.

Maya: How do you know the hotel isn't just as cheap?

At about 4.00 AM, everyone finally arrived at a hotel where the wedding would be held (Edgeworth was glad they didn't have to pay for everyone to actually STAY at the hotel). Most everyone was staying there, except for a few people who were staying at a motel down the street.

Edgeworth: Thank goodness I didn't have to.

The Bellboy volunteered to carry April May's (immense amount of) luggage, and there was a small amount of other hotel staff who helped with luggage, but other than that, everyone had to either carry their luggage up 12 flights of stairs (The International Cardboard Box Convention was in town, and they booked up most of the first 11 floors. The 13th floor was the penthouse, so there was only one block of seats on the 12th floor available) or try to get on the way-too-small service elevator or record slowest elevator known in the universe. Mike Meekins actually tried to fit in the kitchen's dumbwaiter, with amusing results.

Phoenix: International...Cardboard Box Convention?

Maya: Yep, this hotel sounds just about as cheap as Quick-Air.

Edgeworth: sigh This joke was barely funny the first time. Why reuse it?

Of course, by the time all 130 guests arrived and settled in to their rooms, it was about 5:40 and almost time for wedding preparations to begin.

Pearl: It only took them about 2 hours?

Phoenix: Well, it technically doesn't say whether it's AM or PM, so it's likely to be the latter.

Some time later... Location: The Viance Ballroom, Miami, FL

Nervously, Miles Edgeworth glanced around the large ballroom. All around the room, (expensive) preparations for the Edgeworth/von Karma wedding were taking place. They had decided that they would hold the wedding at the same place in the hotel, as it would cut down tremendously on costs (the prices had already exceeded 12,000 for the wedding alone). So, the caterers were setting up in the back while the seats were set up in the front.

Maya: Huh. In contrast to the rest of the hotel, the ballroom doesn't look so bad.

Edgeworth: I'm getting rather mixed messages from the author here.

Franziska: This trashy place is the wedding hall?!

Phoenix: (Franziska doesn't look so happy about this.)

"Excuse me, Mr. Edgeworth?" someone asked from behind him.

Turning around, Edgeworth saw Arlene Selztier, the wedding budget consultant Franziska had hired (for 16 per hour).

Maya: Oh, an original character all of a sudden?

Phoenix: '16 per hour'? 16 what?

Edgeworth: I'd wager dollars, considering this is Miami.

Franziska: What a price that is.

"Yes, Ms. Selztier?"

"Um, there's a problem with the catering. You ordered a lot of chicken, right?"


"Well, they mixed your order with another, and instead you got..."

She moved out of the way to reveal several steaming woks filled with octopus.

Pearl: 'Wok'?

Edgeworth: A cooking vessel originating from China. More importantly, HOW do you confuse chicken with octopus?

"WHAT. IS. THAT," Edgeworth sputtered.

"They thought you ordered seven woks of octopus."

Edgeworth was THIS close to hitting someone on the head.

Phoenix: Acknowledging the stupidity of the situation doesn't make it any less stupid, author.

Location: Room 12AA Suite

Franziska von Karma was getting dressed for her wedding. She was wearing a long white dress with a short green veil.

"THIS IS MADNESS!!" she screamed. And for once, she was right.

Franziska: 'FOR ONCE'!? whips the screen several times

Speakers: The management would like to remind Ms. von Karma not to whip the screen. We may not be able to electrocute you in the new theatre, but we can do much worse if you don't comply.

Franziska: ...

Several people were running around the suite, trying to find "just what you need," or something like that.

Angel Starr returned with a cake of pungent puce-colored soap and the "Moss Special," April May insisted that a bar of "Hot Stuf Deoderizer" was key to a successful wedding ceremony, Ini Miney kept trying to convince Franziska that a green dough cap similar to her own was 'better than a plain old veil', and Manfred von Karma (accompanied by a federal agent) ran around bossing everyone and screaming, "THIS WEDDING MUST BE PERFECTLY PERFECT!!"

Phoenix: I wouldn't say Ms. Starr's lunches were that bad. Also, it's spelt 'Stuff'.

Pearl: Um, I think Ini Miney wore a white doh-cap.

Maya: It was really more of a beret.

Edgeworth: Are we not even going to mention Prosecutor von Karma and the federal ag-

Franziska: No. It isn't worth it. Let us move on.

It was going to be a very long day.

Edgeworth: At this rate, definitely.

Do I hear wedding bells ringing? I expect that that was the last chapter before THE WEDDING! Feel free to put whatever you think should happen in Ch. 4 in your reviews!!

Phoenix: At least these chapters are pretty short.

Maya: Yeah! And there's only two more left!

Speakers: Alright then. Let the next chapter be- Huh? Someone's at the front door? Who is it? ...Why, is that so? Bring them in, then!

Franziska: What was that?!

Speakers: Oh, you guys. You're lucky today. An extra sporker will be joining you now. Say hello!

Pearl: Oh! Who could it be?

Edgeworth: Wait...are the doors opening?

???: Oh, hey! What's this?

Everyone: ?!

Phoenix: That voice..

Edgeworth: That could only mean one thing.

Franziska: ...! What?!

Maya: Oh my god! It's-

[Who is the mystery extra sporker guest? Why is everyone so surprised? Will this theatre actually have a functioning snack bar? Find out all of these in the next episode!]

Sorry for cutting it short there. I felt that the spork was at an ideal length so I'll be posting the second part...hmm, about next week. See you all then! Please do give (constructive) criticism though, it really helps more than you could imagine. Bye guys!

(Credit goes to DarkAgea for proofreading and giving general criticism about the characters and such.)

Author:  Pessimistic_Fool [ Fri Oct 27, 2017 8:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Some observations while reading through:

- Pearl has actually been in the sporking theater before. In the old one, before it got erased. Because it got erased though, it's easily justifiable that the characters don't remember it. I guess we could think of it as a different timeline. (I am not sure if she has sporked in this thread before. I'd have to recheck all the pages, and am too lazy to do that, so I'm just gonna assuzme that if she did, somebody else will mention it.)

- Dang, your management is polite. Saying "please" and all, and even "asking" sporkers to come. Those sporkers better appreciate it.

- I'm a bit confused on how Pearl gets "Kyu-beck" out of hearing Edgeworth say "Quebec". Wouldn't she get something more like "Kay-beck" out of it? Or does Edgeworth really pronounce it weirdly?

- Minor nitpick: Please use asterisks to mark sound effects. If you just put them in cursive, it looks like the character is just saying them with emphasis. Although it is pretty funny to imagine Franziska angrily shouting "Whip crack, Miles Edgeworth!". ;)

- That mental image of a plane full of ordinary wedding guests, corpses and escaped murderers is also hilarious. :D

Franziska: Grrr! I would never change my perfect name of von Karma for such a fool as Miles Edgeworth, whom I see no more than a little brother.

This sounds a tad expository. I would prefer the characters to talk more naturally in this thread, which is part of a message board dedicated to Ace Attorney, a video game franchise. See what I mean? ;)

Kay: Huh? Yeah, you're right. The author said that you were directly behind Mr. Edgeworth, but that'd be seat 8E in that case since he's in seat 7E.

Not quite. The fic put Edgeworth in seat 8E. Although I'm not sure the fic knows what it's doing with the seats either way. (And I also wonder how one would manage to sit a row "and a half" behind anyone. Did Maya climb onto the chair in front of her? Or cut through it?)

- I love the little bit where Kay escapes through the front door. ^^ Nicely written!

- I also love Phoenix' snarky comments where you used them. Poor guy must be SO done with this.

- I like the cliffhanger at the end. I wonder who it is.


--> All in all, a fairly nice spork! I found its length very pleasant. At times, the charracters seemed a bit off to me, but not too badly so. I'm looking forward to the next part!

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sat Oct 28, 2017 3:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Thanks corn- I mean, for the criticism!

Spoiler: Never forget Dr. Ocsid
Pessimistic_Fool wrote:
- Pearl has actually been in the sporking theater before. In the old one, before it got erased. Because it got erased though, it's easily justifiable that the characters don't remember it. I guess we could think of it as a different timeline. (I am not sure if she has sporked in this thread before. I'd have to recheck all the pages, and am too lazy to do that, so I'm just gonna assuzme that if she did, somebody else will mention it.)

Yeah, I thought it was pretty unlikely that she wasn't used as a child before. In all the sports I've read, I think I've only seen her here as a teenager so I was unsure about this part. Thank you for the clarification.

- Dang, your management is polite. Saying "please" and all, and even "asking" sporkers to come. Those sporkers better appreciate it.

You think so? I actually thought they were much more casual than the others. Huh.

- I'm a bit confused on how Pearl gets "Kyu-beck" out of hearing Edgeworth say "Quebec". Wouldn't she get something more like "Kay-beck" out of it? Or does Edgeworth really pronounce it weirdly?

My bad. Apparently I've forgotten how Quebec is pronounced.

- Minor nitpick: Please use asterisks to mark sound effects. If you just put them in cursive, it looks like the character is just saying them with emphasis. Although it is pretty funny to imagine Franziska angrily shouting "Whip crack, Miles Edgeworth!". ;)

Will do in the next part. Thanks.

Franziska: Grrr! I would never change my perfect name of von Karma for such a fool as Miles Edgeworth, whom I see no more than a little brother.

Wow, this is really bad. I don't know how this escaped me. I'll try not to do this again.

Kay: Huh? Yeah, you're right. The author said that you were directly behind Mr. Edgeworth, but that'd be seat 8E in that case since he's in seat 7E.

Not quite. The fic put Edgeworth in seat 8E. Although I'm not sure the fic knows what it's doing with the seats either way. (And I also wonder how one would manage to sit a row "and a half" behind anyone. Did Maya climb onto the chair in front of her? Or cut through it?)[/quote]
Another line to fix, then. Thanks for noting.

And I don't think the possibility of Maya jumping on the seat in front of her to shout her orders for dinner.

- I love the little bit where Kay escapes through the front door. ^^ Nicely written!

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed. I purposefully tried not to make it clash with the sporking this time, too.

- I also love Phoenix' snarky comments where you used them. Poor guy must be SO done with this.

Is he really? ;)

- I like the cliffhanger at the end. I wonder who it is.

Any guesses?

--> All in all, a fairly nice spork! I found its length very pleasant. At times, the characters seemed a bit off to me, but not too badly so. I'm looking forward to the next part!

Thank you! The next part will be slightly shorter due to the lesser amount of chapters left but I'm glad you look forward to it! It's currently in the editing stage and it should be out pretty soon.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Tue Oct 31, 2017 9:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

And welcome back, everyone! This is part 2 of Québécois! If you don't know what this is all about, then read part one first. Everything necessary like the rating and sporkers is given right there for your little eyes to devour. Anyway, moving on, let's continue the spork!

(Also on the beta forums but you know the drill)

[We start off where we left in the sporking theatre with the fourth chapter of the fic about to begin.]

Speakers: Alright then. Let the next chapter be- Huh? Someone's at the front door? Who is it? ...Why, is that so? Bring them in, then!

Franziska: What was that?!

Speakers: Oh, you guys. You're lucky today. An extra sporker will be joining you now. Say hello!

Pearl: Oh! Who could it be?

Edgeworth: Wait...are the doors opening?

???: Oh, hey! What's this?

Everyone: ?!

Phoenix: That voice...

Edgeworth: That could only mean one thing.

Franziska: ...! What?!

Maya: Oh my god! It's-

???: Yep, it's the one and only! Hey Nick! Hey Edgey! Ooh look, you've got Maya and Franny with you too!


Larry: What, why the surprise, Nick? Friends do meet a lot, right?

Edgeworth: What...what are you even doing here?

Larry: Huh? Wait a second...this isn't a café.

Edgeworth: A café? (Could that be a front devised by the Management?)

Speakers: Oops, that's right. Yeah, this is actually a theatre to watch...erm... romance movies. Yeah.

Larry: Wait, really?!

Maya: Oh no, they're manipulating him, Nick!

Phoenix: Not that bad a strategy, to be honest.

Speakers: Yep, that's right! And we're right in the middle of one! Wanna join?

Larry: Well, obviously! Jeez, I can't believe you guys didn't tell me about this! This is awesome!

Franziska: What a fool.

Speakers: Alright, let's get to the heart of the matter. The wedding scene.

Larry: We're already at the climax?! No foreplay or anything!?

Pearl: Four-play?

Franziska: Larry Butz! *raises whip* There is a child here!

Maya: Don't listen to him, Pearly. He's a bit out of it.

Phoenix: (I still can't believe this is happening.)


Chapter 4: C B F A G F D C wedding march music

Pearl: Um...what does that word mean?

Phoenix: Heck if I know. It's just gibberish to me.

Maya: Maybe it's some sort of secret code!

Phoenix: I sincerely doubt it, Maya.

Larry: Whoa, is this a military wedding or something?

Edgeworth: Military?

Larry: Yeah, 'cause it's a wedding ma- *whip whip whip whip whip* YEOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOW!

Franziska: That was the most idiotic assumption you could have possibly made, Larry Butz! It is obviously referring to the bridal march!

Larry: Yikes! I think I'm bleeding, Nick! Franny's really mad today!

Phoenix: (I wonder why that could be.)



And I certainly don't own T&T

Capcom, not me, owns Polly

And GK is not mine.

Ergo, none of the characters are, either.

Just to make this clear: I DO NOT OWN ACE ATTORNEY.

Larry: Eh? What do all those things stand for?

Phoenix: You don't recognise those terms?

Larry: Never heard of any of 'em.

Phoenix: What the-? (Don't tell Larry too oblivious to even the fourth wall?!)

Franziska: Well, in any case, that was a foolishly convoluted way of saying something rather simplistic.

Maya: Maybe the author was feeling bored when they were writing this!

Edgeworth: That doesn't bode well for the story if that's the case.

Now for the story...

A rather mournful wedding march was played on flute and baritone as the guests chatted animatedly in their seats.

Miles Edgeworth stood up close to the altar, fidgeting nervously with his cravat.

Pearl: Oh wow, it looks so pretty! I've never actually been to a wedding before!

Phoenix: (Pearl is absolutely jumping with joy at this.)

Larry: Wait, whaaaaat?! Edgey, you old dog! I didn't know you were getting married!

Edgeworth: Please stop calling me that, Larry. And no, I'm not getting married. This is entirely fictional.

Larry: Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. There's no need to be so bashful, Edgey!

"Ugh..." he moaned. Dozens of 'what if's' flew through his head.

What if Franziska decides to run off with the Bellboy?

What if a comet hits the hotel?

Phoenix: Alright, apparently fic-Edgeworth is a paranoiac. Why not?

Edgeworth: *groan*

Larry: Whoa, you're getting married to Franny? I really envy you, Edgey.

Edgeworth: *louder groan*

Maya: Seriously, what are the chances of that happening?

What if someone has a heart attack in the middle of the wedding?

"Calm down, Edgeworth," said Phoenix, "you look like you're going to faint."

Phoenix: Well, that's actually plausible. And it's nice to see my fic-self being helpful.

Maya: Yeah, all I've done in this fic is cause confusion about the seating continuity and have low standards for food.

Pearl: You shouldn't be so scared, Mr. Eh-ji-werth! Everything will go okay!

Edgeworth: Nngh.

At the word 'faint', Edgeworth turned pale.

There were 3 bridesmaids (Maya, Pearl, and Franziska's sister Adelaide), who were sitting in the corner, wearing rather ugly brown dresses.

Phoenix: Pretty odd choices for bridesmaids.

Edgeworth: Adelaide? A little late of them to introduce their own original character, I think.

Maya: Well, their second. The caterer Arlene was another. Still, this is coming out of nowhere.

Franziska: ... *whip crack*

Phoenix: (Uh oh. She looks mad.)

Pearl: Why are the dresses ugly? That's really mean to say!

Larry: Yeah, I think they look pretty hot- *whip whip whip whip whip whip whip whip whip whip whip whip* AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!

Franziska: Learn to keep your mouth shut, Larry Butz! Or I shall close it for you!

Larry: *whimper*

"Is it just me," Maya commented aloud, "or does Mr. Edgeworth seem rather nervous?"

"Mr. Eh-ji-werth..." Pearl sounded out, still somewhat unsure just what was going on (yet she was CERTAIN it had something to do with 'special someones').

Maya: Alright, neither me nor Pearly are that slow! This is slander!

Pearl: Yes! Even a little child like me knows what a wedding is!

"But of course," replied Adelaide haughtily. "He is SO paranoid."

Maya rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, the doors burst open. It was Franziska, Manfred, and the FBI agent!

Phoenix: Why the federal agent again?

Edgeworth: That's what strikes you the most strange?

Phoenix: ...Fair enough.

Franziska: This entire fic is a travesty! It's slander against the von Karma name itself! *whip*

Larry: Owwwwwww! Why me, Franny?!

Franziska: Need you even ask?

Maya: Look at my fic-self being all sassy over there with her eye rolling.

Loud gasps came from all around the room. It was clear that some people (coughcoughAdelaidecoughcough) had not expected Franziska to actually show up.

Gracefully, Franziska marched up to the altar.

Phoenix: (Franziska looks like she's about to explode.) Maya-

Maya: Got it. Um...*ahem* What do you think, Pearly?

Pearl: Huh? Um...I think it's very nice and graceful and beautiful. And...well...maybe-

Edgeworth: Can we just move on?

With an over-the-top clearing of the throat, the priest began. A few minutes later, the crux of the matter came. "Miles Edgeworth, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better or for worse...(etc)...?"

Maya: Over-the-top clearing of the throat? Nick, the priest is Mr. Grossberg!

Phoenix: I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case, to be honest.

Edgeworth: I find it appalling that the author was too lazy to even properly write the marriage vows.

After a few seconds' pause (garnering an eye-roll from Adelaide), Edgeworth replied confidently, "I do."

Maya: Hey! Don't steal my sass, Adelaide!

Larry: Whoop whoop! Congrats, Edgey!

Edgeworth: Larry, please...just shut up. I've already got a migraine as is.

"And do you, Franziska A. von Karma, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband...(etc)...?"

Franziska: 'A'? Is that supposed to be my initial?

Larry: Adelaide, righ- *whip x 16* OWWOWOWOWOWITBURNSITBURNSSOOMUCH!

Franziska: I have never heard of an 'Adelaide' in my life!

Larry: Urgghh...

Maya: Geez, poor Larry. Is he even awake?

Phoenix: I think he is...slightly. (Franziska is absolutely enraged. Not that I blame her.)

"I do," she replied, with a ringing finality in her voice.

"I now pronounce..."

The last part of the sentence was drowned out by (VERY) loud clapping as Franziska and Miles kissed.

Pearl: Yay! Hooray! Congrats to the both of you! I hope you have a happy life together!

Edgeworth: ...

Franziska: ...

Phoenix: (Franziska doesn't whip children....right?)

Larry: tha- *WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP* Ooooo... *slump*

Maya: Huh? Is he dead?!

Franziska: Merely unconscious. Thankfully this should keep him sleeping for a while.

Phoenix: (Thank goodness Larry got in the way of that. At least Pearls is alright.)

Edgeworth: Is that even allowed, Management?

Speakers: Huh? Oh, yeah. We'll wake him up when the next chapter starts though.

Maya: That was easier than I expected.

I hope the wedding was up-to-par (I thought it may have been slightly cliche). There's more to come, and yes, they will be forced to eat octopus at the reception, but it won't be as long as I planned on it being. I expect it to be only 1-2 more chapters after this. Please R and R!

Phoenix: Oh yeah, there's only one more left.

Pearl: I thought the wedding was beautiful!

Franziska: Just end this already!

By the way, the priest isn't Grossberg.

Maya: Awww. So much for that.

Edgeworth: At this point, I'm more surprised that he wasn't the priest.

Phoenix: It was a plausible theory, given the nature of this fic.

Speakers: Well, since the next chapter is starting, you should probably wake him up.

Maya: Oh, I see what you did there, Management. Letting him rest right at the end, eh?

Franziska: And why should I do that?

Speakers: Otherwise we'll have to put on a Larry/Franziska fic we found on the Kink Meme to wake him up.

Franziska: ...! LARRY BUTZ! *whip x 20*

Larry: YEOWOWOWOW! I'm awake, mom! I'm awake! ...Huh? Oh, I'm here.

Edgeworth: *sigh* Just start it already.

Speakers: Geez, fine. Spoilsport.


Chapter 5: Reception of the Reception

Edgeworth: Purposefully repetitive, eh?

Phoenix: I kinda like that title though.

the hopefully much awaited part 5....


read and review, people, please!

Maya: Were people awaiting this that much? Coolios.

Phoenix: Oh, so it's read and review, not rate and review.

Larry: Huh...alright.

Edgeworth: (I have a feeling Larry is still somewhat disoriented from being whipped unconscious earlier.)

DISCLAIMER: Same as last, but extended to include other 'franchises' thereof.

Plus, I changed my mind about the octopi. Sort of.

Maya: *pouts* Well, so much for that! I was actually looking forward to it!

Franziska von Karma--no, Franziska Edgeworth-- was pissed. P. I. S. S. E. D.

She had been floating along in a wave of ecstasy- until she had reached the back of the huge hotel ballroom twenty minutes later...

Maya: Can't exactly blame her.

Phoenix: Though she isn't the only one pissed off here.

Edgeworth: What's that look for, Wright?

Franziska: Stop calling me 'Franziska Edgeworth'! *whip*

Larry: Ooow.

Phoenix: (Larry is barely even reacting anymore.)

"FOOLISH--FOOLISH--FOOL--WHAT--IS--THIS!?!?" she screamed at one of the caterers when she saw what they had set up as the main dish. If she had had her whip (Edgeworth had made her leave it in the hotel room), the caterer would have been cowering on the floor in fear.

Franziska: *wags finger* I would never leave my home without my whip. It is useful for teaching fools not to open their mouths.

Phoenix: (Too useful, in fact.)

Not that he wasn't already. "Well, Ms. von-er, Mrs. Edgeworth--the main office kind of sent octopus instead of chicken--

"GET! IT! FIXED!!!!" she screamed. Instinctively, Franziska raised her hand as if to whip him and whipped the air with a non-extant whip.

Edgeworth: They forgot to close the first quote.

Phoenix: Huh? Oh, yeah. To be honest, the grammar hasn't been that bad so far.

Edgeworth: No, but it's compensated by its ludicrous story.

He ran out of the room faster than even Franziska could catch up.

She was hyperventilating with fury until Edgeworth caught up to her. "Don't worry, Franziska, we'll straighten it out..." Franziska instantly calmed.

Pearl: Wow! You calmed her down faster than anybody else could! This truly is love!

Edgeworth: ...

Franziska: ...

Maya: Um, Pearly? Could you be a little quieter? I don't think they want to hear you.

Pearl: O-okay.

The other guests had not noticed Franziska's hissy fit, as they were used to watching her blow her top several times a day. They were chatting amongst themselves, patiently and politely bored.

Larry: M-man...that's just...crazy, Franny. You calmer.

Franziska: It is hard to be calm when I am surrounded by fools like you all the time! *whip crack*

Phoenix: 'Politely bored'? How's that work?

"What IS taking them?" huffed Adelaide Wexler impatiently. She was even harder to please than her sister, but luckily she had not inherited her father's temper (but her sister had).

Edgeworth: 'Wexler'? She is married too, I assume?

Franziska: Miles!

Edgeworth: In this fic, I mean.

"I suppose they might've been late..." considered Adrian Andrews. Some of her businesslike manner from the days of JFA was showing thru. Adrian did not like tardiness. Especially in businesses. She had prided herself on her extreme punctuality-

Phoenix: Why did the author break the fourth wall again?

Edgeworth: And it is also spelt 'through'.

Maya: Did the author forget to proofread this properly or what?

Speakers: We actually hire a proofreader for the transcripts of these sporkings. Gotta make sure there aren't any mistakes.

Phoenix: What, really?

Speakers: But never mind that. Back to the fic.

But no, that was all behind her. She pulled Matt along behind her and strolled over to where Franziska and Edgeworth stood.

"Congratulations, Franziska!" she chirped.

Edgeworth: Why is he not accompanied by a guard?

Phoenix: Even Detective Gumshoe could act as one.

Maya: Where is he in all of this, anyway? He wouldn't miss this for the world!

"Much thanks, Adrian," said Franziska distractedly. She was staring over at the catering table, where they were replacing all but one of the woks with bowls of Chicken McNuggets and salami--all they could get on such short notice.

Pearl: Sah-lah-mi?

Phoenix: It's a typed of cured sausage, Pearl.

Maya: Why Chicken McNuggets though?

Edgeworth: Most likely for the sake of 'humour'.

Adrian sighed. Leave it to Franzy to be distracted at her own wedding. She dragged Matt across the room again ("Ow!") to go mingle with some of the other guests.

Franziska: I hope that assassin is among those guests.

Phoenix: Yeah. He should be on the lookout for Engarde if he's out of prison anyway.

Larry: salami...actually. It's...pretty good.

Phoenix: (A little too late on that, Larry.)

Finally, after a 30-minute delay, the McNuggets and sides (including the octopi) were prepared, and the 100+ guests hungrily dug in.

After nibbling on a few McNuggets and a slice of salami anxiously, Franziska walked around the room greeting the guests, Edgeworth on her arm.

Phoenix: I can't believe we're actually watching this.

Franziska: Neither can I. How foolish.

"Why, I'm honoured that you chose to grace our presence today, Ms. May...of course, Ms. Holland...hello, Adrian...many regards, Ms. Hale..."

Pearl: Huh? Who are these people?

Phoenix: Well, there's Adrian and Ms. May. But I dunno who Holland and Hale are.

Larry: I once...dated a Holland. She was...pretty nice until she left me to Venice.

Franziska: Nobody cares.

Phoenix: (Classic Larry.)

Franziska was--what a funny word--happy. Her wedding had not been perfect--there had been a few delays and flaws--but she had achieved what she had come here for: to get married to Miles.

And so she was happy.

Pearl: Oh, how beautiful!

Franziska: Of course I wouldn't be happy with this! I would never accept a wedding which wasn't perfect! And-

Edgeworth: We know, Franziska. But we're almost done.

At least until she saw Larry parading around the room wearing the salami that she had ordered.


Larry: Hahaha...classic me. Right...Nick?

Phoenix: Yeah. (Some things never really change.)

Franziska: ...I don't know what else I was expecting.

[The author apologies for not updating in a long time and promises to get a few more chapters in.]

PS- There will be a couple more chapters.

Phoenix: No, there won't. I think.

Edgeworth: At least that's the Management's claim. Either way, we're almost at the end.

PPS- Eternal thank-yous to all of you who posted various glowing reviews of this fic!

Maya: Was this fic that popular?

Speakers: It got a lot of positive reviews upon release.

Franziska: ?!

Edgeworth: No matter. We're finished, are we not?

Speakers: Yep.

[The lights come on.]

Phoenix: Well, I'm glad it's over. That was pretty long.

Larry: Ugh...that was super painful too.

Pearl: Oh, don't worry! I'll help you, Mr. Laurice!

Larry: Thanks...kiddo. Pretty nice...of you.

Edgeworth: Well, time to leave.

Franziska : Agreed.

Maya: Well, everyone else is leaving. Let's go, Nick!

Phoenix: Yeah. Why not?

Maya: So, how'd you like the fic?

Phoenix: was crazy and admittedly stupid. was better than a lot of the stuff we have to sit through. It was charming in some places, even.

Maya: Huh. I thought the same thing, even. I think everyone else hated it because they were featured more in it.

Phoenix: Well, we can talk later. Let's go home now, okay?

Pearl: Yay! Thank you for bringing me here, Mr. Nick!

[And so our tale comes to an end. Thank you for watching this episode of the Sporking Theatre and good night!]

Well, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed this. It was fun to work on. Constructive criticism is appreciated as always. Have a good day, everyone. I've got a long nap to take now.

Author:  TEG [ Fri Nov 24, 2017 8:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hi there!
I was considering sporking this monstrosity, which was mentioned in this thread a while back:

Since it's VERY NSFW I'm assuming it'll need to be censored. I was just checking for tips on exactly to what degree I need to censor it to post it here, as well as any other etiquette I should be aware of for sporking.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Fri Nov 24, 2017 10:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

AO3 wrote:
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

What a mistake that was.

Anyway, I suggest that for these types of fics, you host it elsewhere. Mainly because most of the terribleness comes from the NSFW parts, and without it there wouldn't be much material to spork. You could do little summaries in between like Blacmail too, but that might actually make the sporking super short.

Just my two cents. This thing is an absolute monstrosity.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Fri Nov 24, 2017 11:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

And hello, everybody! Today I'm back with a double sporking of these two fics! This is going to be...

The Klema Duology

Rating: :sahwit: :sahwit: :sahwit:

Normally, I'd go into detail about the fics and why they deserve this rating but...honestly, it's best to let them speak for themselves. It really is. You'll see.

Now, introducing the sporkers!

:apollo: - "It's times like this when I wish I was back in Khura'in."
:trucy: - "Aw, but we've missed you, Polly!"
:klavier: - "Indeed, Herr Forehead. We've hardly met in the last few months, ja?"

Anyway, let's start the show!

[Back at the new Theatre, our cast has arrived and is currently chatting up a storm.]

Trucy: Hey! We're not that talkative, Mr. Narrator!

Apollo: Trucy, could you please stop talking to the Narrator?

Trucy: Why not?

Klavier: It comes off as rather sad, ja?


Apollo: (Ema's been just crunching on her Snackoos ever since we've got here. I wonder...) Ema, do you know what we're sp- *ka-tonk* Ow! (I guess she does. Why's she so upset about it though?)

Klavier: This new theatre is über cool. Ja, Herr Management?

Speakers: How did you know?

Klavier: Why wouldn't you be here? This theatre needs you.

Speakers: Fair enough. Anyway, today's a new day, and with it comes a new sporking.

Trucy: What is it?

Speakers: Well, actually...we're having two fics today! We've dubbed it...the Klema Duology!

Klavier: ...Schiße. Not this again.


Apollo: Oh. (That explains her behaviour, at least.)

Trucy: Two fics today? That's cool!

Speakers: Isn't it? Think of it like a double header, but with sporks instead of sports.

Trucy: Wow! That's barely a change of letter!

Apollo: (I think that was supposed to be some kind of reference, but I have no idea what to.)

Speakers: Anyway, we should probably start. Well, if someone would stop munching on their snacks.

Ema: ...Fine.

Speakers: Good. Then let's get the ball rolling!

Suicidal Nightmare

Apollo: Isn't that what this theatre is?

Trucy: Wow, Apollo! That's pretty poetic.

Klavier: Ja, it's not something I would have expected of you.

Apollo: Eh heh heh...

Ema: It's a fitting title if this is from my perspective anyhow.

Disclaimer: Nein, I do not own Klavier and or Ema.

Note: This is a one-shot. Just for keeping my imagination flowing. When it's Ema's POV I will do -~-~-~-~-~-~ and when it's Klavier's POV xOxOxOx.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Klavier: I would hope the author doesn't own us, ja, Fräulein Detective?

Ema: It's Forensic Investigator now, fop.

Klavier: Oh, yes, I nearly forgot. Congratulations on your promotion, Fräulein Forensic Investigator!

Apollo: (And already he's onto the next nickname.) What's the need for two different line breaks anyway?

Trucy: Silly Polly, it's to properly distinguish between the two! We don't want any unnecessary confusion, do we?


Nothing. Absolutely nothing left. Nobody's here, no one, everybody hates me. I should just go die. The woman I love hates me. I've got nothing to live for anymore. A sobbing Prosecutor Gavin thought.

Klavier: What?!

Ema: Kind of an odd thing for a world famous rock star to say, fop.

Trucy: Exactly! He's loved by the female masses.

Apollo: Why is the last sentence separated from the one before it? They should be conjoined with a comma.

Everybody hates me, I set a guilty man death penalty, we found out the truth after he died.

Ema: If he's guilty, then what did the fop do wrong?

Klavier: I believe they meant to say that I sent someone not guilty to the guillotines, ja?

Apollo: Why is this all one sentence?!

My mother and father used to tell us, Kristoph was born lucky, and I was lucky to be born. They didn't notice me. They always spoiled their little Kristoph, and ignored me.

Trucy: That's kind of a harsh thing to tell your child, isn't it?

Apollo: Well, this is a piece of backstory that came out of nowhere.

Klavier: How do these people come up with these? There's hardly any proof to-

Ema: You're overthinking this, fop. Do you really think that fanfic writers really care that much about what was stated in-game?

Speakers: The sporkers will refrain from breaking the fourth wall. Seriously, we just rebuilt it the other day. We don't want it all crumbling down on us again.

Trucy: Poor Management. It must suck having to fix all of that.

Klavier stepped into the elevator and set it to roof. The elevator door opened and showed the flat roof of the Prosecutor's Office. He stepped out of the elevator, taking muffling loud breaths. He looked down the street, fast cars were driving by.

Apollo: He's actually going to do it?!

Klavier: Why?!

Ema: And how is no one else seeing this?!


"Damn It!" Ema swore as she forgot to take the paper's to Klavier. "Seeing that damn fop again makes me throw up."

Trucy: Oh, now we're in Ema's perspective.

Apollo: 'It' isn't supposed to be capitalised. And there shouldn't be an apostrophe in 'papers'.

Ema: I can already see where this is going and I'm not liking any bit of it.

"Any problem, Detective Skye?" A slightly richer Gumshoe asked. Gumshoe had been given a pay rise, now he's being paid fairly.

Ema: Well, I'm glad to see he's being treated better at least. I always wondered what happened to him.

Klavier: He doesn't look that much richer since the last time I saw him.

"Ah. Yes, I need to give these papers to Prosecutor Gavin." She said, glaring at the paper envelope she was holding.

"Ho, ho, ho! Just that? I'd be glad to bring them to Prosecutor Gavin."

Ema: Thank goodness for that.

Apollo: And there goes Ema out of the picture.

Klavier: I would much prefer if that were the case, Herr Forehead.

"Nah. I have to get used to that fop anyway."

Ema: No, fic-me! You're making a gigantic mistake!

Trucy: Familiarity breeds friendship, as the saying goes.

Apollo: Trucy, the saying is 'Familiarity breeds contempt'.

Trucy: Huh? But Daddy always told me it was friendship.

Apollo: (That explains a lot.)


"Eh.. I call him a glimmerous fop."

"Okay, then. Goodbye, Detective Skye." A gumshoe wearing a suitable suit and neat hair said.

Ema: I guess we don't work together a lot in this fic if he doesn't know even that.

Klavier: 'A gumshoe'? Not Herr Detective Gumshoe?

Apollo: That's just a typo, I think.

"Oh, and Mr. Gumshoe? Have you seen him?"

"Ahh… He went to the elevator, you should fingerprint the buttons and see where he pressed."

Trucy: Is she talking to him or not? I can't tell here.

Apollo: I think she is, but there should be a dialogue tag to make that clearer. Also, is fingerprinting the buttons like that even allowed in normal circumstances? Prosecutor Gavin should be in his office, most likely.

Ema: If it prevents needless hassle, then I'm fine with it.

"Thanks. Good Idea."

She headed to the elevator, she dusted for Klavier's prints, and she found a print on the button "roof" and pressed it.

Klavier: Mein Gott, Fräulein Forensic Investigator! You actually went and did it?

Trucy: If it were me, I'd use my Magic Panties to teleport to wherever he was.

Apollo: ...Yeah, actually, I prefer this in comparison.

She stepped out of the elevator door, and found the most horrific scene ever.

Ema: The fop being an emo? Yeah, pretty horrific.

Apollo: So are we going to switch perspectives again?


This is it. My chance to be free from this horrible life.

He was about to jump when a strong arm had pulled his arm. A warm soft arm.

Apollo: Why aren't Prosecutor Gavin's thoughts in quotes or followed by 'he thought'?

Trucy: It sounds more like the narrator's speaking when it's in third person.

Ema: I wouldn't blame them, whoever they were.

"You should've let me die! I've got nothing worth living for! Everybody hates me!" A teary-eyed Prosecutor shouted.

"No! Lots of people care, Prosecutor Gavin! Lots of people care for you!"

"Nobody does, name one."

Klavier: Good grief, fic-me is an idiot.

Ema: And you aren't?

Apollo: I don't know why the author thought Prosecutor Gavin wouldn't have any fans.

"I do."

"No you don't." He said, then ran to the elevator and immediately closed the door.

Trucy: Is he simply going back down?

Apollo: How did no one see him?!

Ema: And why am I of all people the only one to stop him?!


She saw Klavier Gavin standing on the edge of the roof, ready to jump. She pulled his soft muscled arms.

Klavier: Why are we flashing back again?

Apollo: Are we?

Trucy: Yeah, Polly! Prosecutor Gavin is on the roof ready to jump again!

Ema: I hope they don't actually repeat this.

[They do, word for word except from Ema's perspective, only changing a line or two in the process.]

Trucy: Huh?


Apollo: Seriously? What was even the point of that?

"No! Prosecutor Gavin!" She ran down the stairs hoping to get down the 24 flight of stairs before him. On the tenth floor he saw the elevator door open and empty, she went in and pressed Ground level.

Apollo: Why did Ema suddenly become a male for a second?

Klavier: I think that was a typo, Herr Forehead. Regardless, it was amusing seeing the actors actually switch on screen like that. Nice touch.

Speakers: Hehe, thanks.

"Please! I can't let him go!"

She reached the ground level, he wasn't their, he asked the guard if he saw him.

Trucy: Did Ema change into a guy again?

Ema: Why can't the author use pronouns properly?

Apollo: That's also the wrong form of 'there'.

"Umm… He went to the building that is going to be demolished today."


"WHAT! Thanks for your help, I gotta go!"

Ema ran toward the building, she used the same procedure on the elevator, the pressed button was, Underground Basement Parking. She silently swore and headed down.

Apollo: Seriously, how did no one see him go in there?!

Trucy: Shouldn't the construction crew be here? And isn't the building to be demolished supposed to be closed off?

Ema: 'The pressed button was'? Who talks like that?

Klavier: The overusage of commas here is irritating.

She went left, right, left, straight, left, forward, then started taking random directions. He found Prosecutor Gavin.

Apollo: Of course she did. Or well, 'he'- *ka-tonk*

Ema: Why this 'he' business again?!

Klavier: I was willing to believe the first two were mistakes, but doing the same thing thrice without noticing it is a stretch, ja?


I don't deserve to live.

He ran toward the going to be demolished building and hoped to be killed. He went down the most possible downwards he could go.

Perfect. I should go take random directions and hide.

And so he did. Isolated. He waited for death.

Trucy: Wow, Prosecutor Gavin also chose randomly? What luck.

Klavier: What idiocy.


Ema: Huh? Whose perspective is this from?

Trucy: Both of them?

Klavier: It's very confusing that this wasn't stated earlier at the start then.

Apollo: 'We don't want any unnecessary confusion, do we?', huh, Trucy?

Trucy: Um...that' know.

"What are you doing here!?"

"Trying to save you, Fop!"

"I don't deserve life! Get out of here before the demolition starts!"

Ema: If he's being this idiotic, then I agree. Kill fic-fop.


The demolition had already started, a piece of the ceiling landed on Ema, making her unconscious, Klavier could hardly breath.

Trucy: So the construction crew was already there?

Ema: So he really did avoid them.

Apollo: Also, it's 'breathe' with an e.

"Fräulein? Mein Gott! Fräulein!" He carried the bleeding brunette on his back. The elevator couldn't work now, they were trapped.


Trucy: Ow! My ears!

Klavier: Indoor voice, Herr Forehead.

Apollo: Oops. Sorry...

But then, he remembered something.

From a case a few years ago, this building was a crucial clue. There was a secret passage from The Underground Basement Parking, leading outside, it was a flower design on the wall, it was a secret door.

Apollo: What's this case about?

Klavier: Most likely something that was made up for the convenience of the plot, ja?

Ema: It sounds like a case I was involved in a long time back, but this flower door thing is definitely alien to me.

He searched for the hidden door and came upon it. He opened the door and then-


Another piece of the ceiling falls on Ema, this time her breathing has diminished. He heart had stopped. Klavier's heart missed a beat.

Trucy: Poor Ema.

Ema: How am I not dead yet?

Apollo: 'He heart'? And it's had, not has!

He went as quickly as he could, the trail went into an alleyway.

He felt no breath, nor a pulse. He had only two choices. And he's not going to let her die. He could either take her to the hospital, or, do CPR, the hospital was 19 miles away. He had no choice.


Klavier: Not even checking for a heartbeat?

Apollo: I think he did a few paragraphs back.

1…2…3… *THUD* 1…2…3… *THUD* Him breathing into her mouth was slight, but it had successfully done the trick.

Trucy: What were those thud noises sup-


He felt a pulse this time, and there was a faint trace of breathing, fragile, but still. She was bleeding everywhere. He had to take her somewhere. Incidentally, this alleyway was only two blocks from his house, he could make it. He put his jacket on Ema and ran as fast as he could.

Apollo: Two blocks away? They really are just making stuff up as they go along!

Trucy: His jacket? But isn't Ema wearing a lab coat? When did it come off?

Ema: If I don't die due to those injuries, I'm definitely going to die due to overheating with all those clothes.

He arrived at his bachelor mansion and put Ema into his bed. He sobbed quietly while waiting for the brunette to regain consciousness.

Trucy: Wow, Prosecutor Gavin's loaded.

Klavier: With all the money I make due to my double life, why wouldn't I be? Though this is a gross overexaggeration.


The last thing she remembered was the face of the fop. Sobbing quietly. She had woken up in a new room. She slipped out of the bed and stood up, then realizing she had stepped on something. The Fop.

Apollo: What?

Trucy: Um...let's continue watching!

He was sleeping on the floor in a futon. Looking worried.

Klavier: How can I be on both simultaneously?

"I love you, Klavier Gavin." She said silently.

"I love you too, Ema Skye." Klavier said laughing, but in a serious face. And stood up.

Apollo: That last part should be one sentence.

Trucy: How do you laugh with a serious face?

Ema: Same way you say something silently.

"What the, you were awa-" She didn't get to finish that sentence.

Klavier had pulled he face and drawn it closer to his, their lips touched, it was a sensation. Blue sparks around them were visible.

Trucy: Blue sparks? Is that how kissing works?

Ema: Well, that was a good time to turn into a man, at least.

Apollo: Are pronouns really that hard for the author?

But, this didn't last long. Something had hit the man's heart. A knife to be precise.

Klavier: What?!

Apollo: Hit is an understatement. Also, there should be a comma after knife.

Klavier: Don't detract from the matter at hand, Herr Forehead!

Ema: Yeah, who stabbed the fop?

I node was attached. She read the note.

Trucy: I...node?

Apollo: Is the author typing this on a phone?

Klavier: Never mind that! What does the note say?

Auf Wiedersehen, bruder.

(Translation: Goodbye, brother.)

Klavier: ...

Apollo: (What the-?!) Um...

Trucy: Is that-

Ema: ...Let's just move on for everyone's sake.

Ema teared slowly, as the blood poured, she couldn't do anything. The knife hit the heart perfectly.

Trucy: Is she going to be killed next?!

Apollo: I hope not.


Klavier Gavin's funeral. Lot's of people are here. Mostly fans, some family members, some co-workers, some, friends.

Trucy: Oh, I guess not.

Klavier: Thank goodness that got over quickly.

Apollo: 'Some, friends'? Really?

Ema had teared to an extent where she couldn't anymore. People tried to comfort her. But none succeeded.

*Ring! Ring!*

"Huh?" She saw where she was. She was in her bed. It was a dream all along.

Apollo: What?! Are you kidding me?!

Klavier: 'Suicidal Nightmare' indeed.

Trucy: At least that kind of explains the previous flaws. Ema was just dreaming them up. Mystery solved!

Apollo: No it isn't! This is a copout!

Ema: Be thankful, Apollo. We got off easy.

She hurried to do everything. And went to the Prosecutor's Office. She went to the roof and saw Klavier.

She silently walked over and called his name loud. Before he could see who it was, she kissed him.

Ema: That's sexual assault. I could be arrested for that.

Apollo: What was Prosecutor Gavin doing on the rooftop this time?

Trucy: Hopefully not trying to kill himself.


What a beautiful day.

"Klavier!" Someone had shouted.

He turned around, but before he could see who it was, he was kissed. He broke apart thinking it was some fangirl. But when he saw who it was.

Apollo: They repeated the same thing but from the other perspective?

Klavier: Again?

"F-fräulein Skye?" He said then stopped. She had kissed him again. Longer, more forceful this time, but the soft enchanting touch of her lips were still the same.

The End.

Trucy: Yuck.


Apollo: (Yikes! I've never seen Ema eating with so much...vehemence before.)

Klavier: At least it's over, ja?

[The lights come on.]

Ema: Well, that was fast. Goodbye, everyone. I'll see you-

Speakers: Nuh uh. Today's a double header, remember?

Trucy: But with sporks instead of sports, right?

Speakers: Right. This is just an intermission.

Ema: Grrrrr!

Apollo: Ema, there's no point in trying to leave. Let's just get some snacks and come back here or something.

Trucy: But the snack bar isn't even filled up! There's just some old prunes, some ice cubes, and a granola bar three years past the expiration date!

Speakers: Look, that's all was left in the fridge, alright?

Klavier: Ach. Has the theatre really reached such a low? Unbelievable.

Speakers: Shut up. Just for that, I'm starting up the next part now.

Apollo: What? Wait, you can't-

[The lights turn off and the sporkers begrudgingly return to their seats as the next part begins.]


Everyone: ...

Apollo: Well, we're already off to a fantastic start.

Trucy: Apollo...I'm scared.

Klavier: This is quite foreboding indeed.


"Will you just leave me alone!" The prosecutors looked over at Prosecutor Gavin's office at the shouting. Ema ran out of the door. "Here I am trying to review a case with you and you just try to flirt with me!"

Trucy: 'The prosecutors'? 'At the shouting'?

Apollo: And I thought the last one was written badly.

Ema: Admittedly, despite all the crap I give the fop, he knows when to be serious. He would never be up to his usual shenanigans when reviewing a case with me.

Klavier: Tch. What a backhanded compliment.

"Fräulein Skye," Klavier said. "I'm not trying to flirt with you today."

"Like you weren't yesterday," Ema said. Klavier looked down. "I thought so." Ema shook her head and ran off. Klavier went back into his office.

Apollo: What, were they reviewing cases daily?

Ema: You'd be surprised how many cases we have back at the precinct.

Klavier: Also, if this is taking place when I think it is, I should be calling her 'Fräulein Detective'.

"Every time," he said. He heard a knock on the door. "Come in." He was shocked to see who was at the door. "Ah" He rushed to straighten out his desk.

Apollo: Just 'ah'? What does that even mean?

Trucy: I think since he rushed after hearing the voice, it must mean surprise. But it could use a punctuation mark or two.

Ema: 'Straighten out his desk'? You mean the papers on it?

Klavier: Maybe my desk is feeling a little lazy today and decided to lean a little, ja?

"Klavier," the man said. "I wish you'd stop doing that every time I see you." Klavier laughed awkwardly.

Ema: What, when they just run into each other he just runs back into his office to 'straighten out' his desk?

Apollo: Who is that guy, anyway?

Trucy:'s probably the Chief Prosecutor. So Uncle Edgeworth!

"Right," he said. "Force of habit. Can I get you anything Mr. Edgeworth."

"I was wondering if I could help you out," Edgeworth said smiling. "Your argument with Ema wasn't very quite." Klavier huffed.

Trucy: Yay! I was right!

Ema: Wow! It's crazy actually seeing him smile!

Apollo: And it's 'quiet'- *ka-tonk* Ow!

Ema: Shut up, you! Stop trying to be him! You'll never be half the man he is!

Apollo: (I'm sensing a lot of fangirling coming from her.)

"It wasn't my fault," he muttered. "She's over sensitive."

"I'm sure Ema would say the same thing," Edgeworth said. Klavier nodded. "Dare I suggest you try doing things her way for once."

Apollo: It's one wo-

Ema: Stop pointing out irrelevant typographical errors!

Trucy: It's getting a little annoying, Polly.

Klavier: Agreed. We know the author cannot spell, but reiterating the same thing will not produce anything of value, ja?

Apollo: Fine! (Geez, can't a guy point out errors anymore?)

"Like that would that would ever work," Klavier moaned. "I mean she hates me."

"She certainly doesn't love you," Edgeworth said. Klavier looked down. "Hey you said it first. Besides she doesn't hate you."

Ema: This isn't how Mr. Edgeworth talks!

Trucy: It's also getting really weird trying to figure out who's speaking here.

Apollo: Spacing is important, author!

"She only listens to you," Klavier said. "You're the one she likes, not me."

"Here I thought you always got the lady," Edgeworth said. "You and your band."

"Hey we broke up remember," Klavier objected.

Ema: Who? Me and the fop?

Klavier: I think they're referring to the Gavinners. Our breakup inspired mass usage of tissues nationwide.

Apollo: (Why does he always have to be so dramatic?)

"So the news tidbit I heard about you getting back together at New Years was false."

"That's different," Klavier muttered. "It's just for charity."

Apollo: Huh? When was this?

Klavier: The only time we got together after that was at Themis Legal Academy. I think the author is getting rather confused.

Speakers: Actually, both of these fics were written way back. 2009 and early 2013 respectively. That could explain it.

"Still you're more popular than me," Edgeworth said. "I mean I may be chief but you still have fans wanting you."

Klavier: There's no need to look at me with such disdain, Fräulein Forensic Investigator.


Apollo: (Those poor Snackoos don't stand a chance.)

"Yeah. It doesn't matter if she doesn't love me," Klavier said looking down. Edgeworth lifted an eyebrow. "Besides I just can't pick up one of those girls just cause I want to date." Klavier looked at his boss. "Right?"

"My advise," Edgeworth said. "If you want Miss Ema then meet her in the middle." He left.

Trucy: Wait, I just realised. Did we just listen to Uncle Edgeworth give Prosecutor Gavin dating advice for an entire scene?

Ema: ...We did?

Apollo: Huh. Honestly, I didn't even realise. What the heck, author?!

Klavier: Herr Edgeworth is anything but a matchmaker, honestly.

"He makes it sound so easy," Klavier sighed. He picked up her phone. "We never did get to talk about the case." He texted Ema to meet him up later. He sighed not looking forward to tonight.

"Hello," Klavier said. Ema was not amused.

Apollo: Next scene already?

Ema: That came out of nowhere.

"Let's just get this over with Fop," she said. She was eating her snackoos.

"I don't mean to offend you but isn't the point of going to a restaurant to eat at a restaurant."

"Whatever but this is not-"

Klavier: Why are we discussing the case at a restaurant?

Trucy: I think someone would be able to overhear this.

Apollo: Is this allowed, Ema?

Ema: Need I even answer?

"I know this is purely business." Ema was surprised at his tone but nodded.

"And how many would it be today?" the waitress asked.

"Just two," Klavier said. Ema huffed. What was with him? Was what she said hurt him that much? The waitress nodded as she led them to a table. Ema sat herself down wondering what was on Klavier's mind.

Ema: Ooooooh! I see now.

Apollo: What?

Ema: Fic-fop's going for the sympathy points here in order to make me forgive him or whatever.

Klavier: Tch. The classic dog with its tail between its legs act.

Trucy: Yeah, I use this a lot when my Daddy gets mad at me.

Apollo: It works?

Trucy: Yeah, a lot of the time!

Apollo: (...I really shouldn't be so surprised.)

"You ok fop," Ema asked. Klavier looked up.

"Yeah Fräu-Detective Skye," Klavier said. "So what happened in the case?"

"Well Prosecutor Gavin," Ema started. She explained the case thoroughly as Klavier listened while he ate. "Should be simple enough to prove."

Klavier: 'Fräu-Detective Skye'? Did I use Fräu with a hyphen or simply cut myself off?

"Yeah," Klavier said. "It sure will be. You shouldn't have a hard time up on stand."

"I guess," Ema said. "Through science and forensics." She smirked. "I hope you can handle it fop."

"You too detective," he smiled.

Apollo: 'You too'? What does that even mean?

Ema: I mean, obviously I can handle the science. Whatever, it's not like it's that big a dea-

"Ok FOP!" Ema said as Klavier got up. He looked at her. "What is going on."

"I-I," Klavier stuttered. "Ema listen I-I really care about you."

Everyone: ?!

Klavier: What the-?! Herr Management, did we skip forward?

Speakers: Hm? No, this is the next thing that comes after this.

Apollo: How does this dialogue follow what was said?

Trucy: Maybe Ema suddenly snapped?

Ema: Still an odd moment to do it.

[Unnecessary drama ensues and Ema rushes out of the restaurant while Klavier tries not to cry.]

Apollo: That's nice to hear.

'Tears,' he thought. 'I must really love her.' He went back to the prosecutor's office. He saw the chief talking to his younger sister before he saw Klavier.

Ema: Why did the fop need to reaffirm that with his tears?

Trucy: Who's this younger sister anyway? I never heard about her!

Apollo: Probably an OC.

Ema: Nope, I've met her before. She's real as science.

Apollo: Huh. I didn't expect that.

"I take it dinner didn't go well," Edgeworth said as he saw Klavier.

"No," Klavier said. Edgeworth's phone went off.

"What?" he said. "But Klavier's right here and-" Klavier looked up. Edgeworth put his hand over his phone. "Lana called. Ema never came home."

Ema: Weird. That's the one place you'd think I'd go to after this mess.

"Probably running off somewhere," Klavier said. "It won't take long before she goes back home."

Apollo: It's running off to som-


Apollo: Ow! (I guess Ema didn't take too favourably to that.)

[Piano boy runs up the stairs and looks into a window to see his reflection.]

Everyone: ...

Apollo: Wow. Even the Management's getting pissed.

Klavier: ...So it's come to this, has it? I'm surprised it took so long, actually.

Speakers: We've been wanting to do that for a while.

Trucy: Wait, why did he look into the window anyway?

"Stop toying with my feelings!"

"You don't really feel that way."

"If that's the way she sees me, I'll just change it."

"Hey what do you think you're doing in hea-" Franziska said opening the door, Edgeworth behind her.


Trucy: I still don't get it.

Ema: Who really knows? The ways of fic-fop are beyond our comprehension.

Klavier: But that actually makes him sound cool, Fräulein Forensic Investigator.

Ema: Hmm, true.

Meanwhile Ema was walking around the park before she sat on a swing.

"Maybe I over reacted a bit," Ema said. "But he doesn't care about me." She heard footsteps behind her. "Go away fop."

Apollo: A park?

Ema: I don't know why I chose that of all places, especially so late.

Trucy: What's with the dramatic shot of Prosecutor Gavin? We can't even see him clearly.

Klavier: He almost looks...intimidating.

"No Fräulein," he said.

"How did you even find me?' Ema huffed.

"You left you're footprint analyzer at my office once," Klavier said. "Your sister was worried about you. Frankly so was I."

Ema: He actually knows how to use that?

Klavier: I'm not sure if that would have been particularly useful considering it never rained. Also, fic-me seemingly doesn't want the Fräuleins anymore.

"I guess I better go back then," She said standing up. "Well thanks for-" She stared at Klavier.

"Something on my face?" he asked.

Apollo: Jeez, this is getting scary now.

Trucy: Did Prosecutor Gavin get a haircut or something?

Ema: Nah, seems unlikely. And idiotic.

"Yo-Your-" She stuttered. Klavier took Ema's hand and held up to his neck. "What did you do to your hair." Klavier gave a sad smile as Ema stared at his now short hair.

"I cut it," he said.

Apollo: What.

Ema: ...Well, I take that back. Not the part about being idiotic, though.

Trucy: So that explains the angle!

"Just because of what I said?" Ema asked. Klavier nodded as he took Ema's face closer to him. Ema didn't stop the kiss this time. She smiled and kissed back. When they broke off the kiss Ema smiled. "You really didn't have to do that you know. The hair I mean."

Ema: The hair? Why would I give a flying flipping fu-...Look, why would this hair nonsense interest me?

Klavier: It is finely crafted, Fräulein Forensic Investigator. It costs quite a lot to get it to be that way in the mornings.

"It was the only I could think to show you how serious I am about you, Ema," Klavier said. Ema began to cry.

[Everyone sans Klavier looks at the screen incredulously while trying not to laugh.]

Klavier: I don't know why you're all making those faces. My hair is worth quite a lot, ja?

Apollo: Nein. Pfffthahahaha!

Trucy: Even the actors can't believe what they're saying!

Ema: The hair, of all things?!

Klavier: ...

"I-I" Ema stuttered. "You made a difference today, Klavier." She hugged him as he held onto her tight.

Apollo: *is still in tears*

Ema: Pffft...scientifically speaking, that difference is negligible.

Klavier: *sigh*

[The lights come back on.]

Trucy: What an ending that was! Right, Apollo?

Apollo: It sure was.

Ema: Agreed.

Klavier: ...

Ema: What's wrong, fop?

Klavier: ...Fine, I admit it. That was a hilariously inept attempt at an ending.

Apollo: ...That's all?

Ema: Geez, and here I thought we'd slighted you. Let's get out of here.

Trucy: Let's! My next magic show's starting in two hours and you're all invited!

[And so, as our sporkers leave the theatres, our time comes to an end. Let us meet time! ...Sir? Yes, sir? Oh, the next one? ...Really? Alright, yes sir. ...You want to discuss the details with me, sir? Yes, I'll be coming now, sir! Now where's that blasted butto-]


Hope you enjoyed. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Good night. I hope you guys are having a merry thanksgiving or whatever you call it.

Author:  TEG [ Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Southern Corn wrote:
AO3 wrote:
Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

What a mistake that was.

Anyway, I suggest that for these types of fics, you host it elsewhere. Mainly because most of the terribleness comes from the NSFW parts, and without it there wouldn't be much material to spork. You could do little summaries in between like Blacmail too, but that might actually make the sporking super short.

Just my two cents. This thing is an absolute monstrosity.

Alright, sounds like a plan. Any suggestions about where to host it? I'm not sure exactly what's policy on this sort of erm... story is and I'd like to post it somewhere where I won't have to deal with the hassle of it getting removed.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Preferably some place where the BBCode remains so everything looks normal. The last sporking hosted elsewhere I believe was Stiff, and Airey hosted that on her own blog (which had an NSFW warning iirc), so maybe your own place if you have that? Or if you don't, you could create your own :P

Though definitely allows these kinds of stories there, I doubt they'll allow MSTing of others' works there.

Author:  TEG [ Sat Nov 25, 2017 9:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

My mother and father used to tell us, Kristoph was born lucky, and I was lucky to be born.

I was actually expecting someone to reference the very, very obvious ripping off of Avatar: The Last Airbender here, since it's as subtle as a brick to the face and extremely groan-worthy if you're familiar with that series.

Pretty good! I had some chuckles and the two stories tied together well thematically.

so maybe your own place if you have that?

I do but... it's a personal blog and I really don't want to put something this dirty on it. I haven't used it in a while, but there are still people who read it who would not appreciate that.

What's a good place where I can set up a new BBCode blog that won't link to any of my other accounts?

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sat Nov 25, 2017 9:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

TEG wrote:
My mother and father used to tell us, Kristoph was born lucky, and I was lucky to be born.

I was actually expecting someone to reference the very, very obvious ripping off of Avatar: The Last Airbender here, since it's as subtle as a brick to the face and extremely groan-worthy if you're familiar with that series.

Pretty good! I had some chuckles and the two stories tied together well thematically.

Was it? I've never seen the show before so that one might have slipped past me XD

Glad you liked the sporking, and thanks!

so maybe your own place if you have that?

I do but... it's a personal blog and I really don't want to put something this dirty on it. I haven't used it in a while, but there are still people who read it who would not appreciate that.

What's a good place where I can set up a new BBCode blog that won't link to any of my other accounts?

WordPress has a few plugins for BBCode if that counts. Unless you already have an account there. Maybe blogspot, then?

Author:  henke37 [ Sat Nov 25, 2017 11:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

The thing with wordpress is that it is both a service and a product. The service is hosting your blog. The product is the software used to run the blog. They may both be free, but only the later gives you full customization capabilities. Plugins like these are literally chunks of code that you add onto the software. No way that they are going to let you run code of your choosing on the free hosting.

Author:  TEG [ Sun Nov 26, 2017 5:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Okay! So I hosted the sporking a free WordPress blog. It's not an ideal setup, since customization is limited, but it should do the job at least for now.

I had no idea if either Apollo or Athena have met Godot before in the sporking theater, so I had them introduced here. I know sporkings tend to play somewhat loose with continuity so it shouldn't be a big deal.

And so, without further ado:

"Tried" (aka: The final resistance- by WoodenHacker)
Warning: NSFW, or anywhere, really

:sahwit: :sahwit: :sahwit: :sahwit: :sahwit: - Some people might argue that this deserves a Dahlia. The only reasons I didn't give it one are: 1)It's fairly short, 2) There's quite a bit of unintentional comedy, and 3) The spelling and grammar stay in "mostly readable" territory throughout. The writing is pretty poor, but it's the offensive premise that really kills it. The story can best be described as "a lighthearted romp about female on male rape, with a side of incest". So yeah. It takes the subject matter just seriously enough while still treating it as a joke to be incredibly uncomfortable. You've been warned.

Tonight's sporkers:

:athena: Hey! No fair! I did my time! I served my nickel! Let me oooouuuttt!
:apollo: How do you think I feel? Do you have any idea how many times they've dragged me here?
:phoenix: What are we in for today, I wonder?
:godot: Well well well. What do we have here?

The sporking:

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sun Nov 26, 2017 5:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I really like the unfitting subtitle for the blog:

Peaceful Thoughts for Happy Folks

Anyway, nice sporking! Some extra notes:

Godot: Why hello Trite. Been a while, hasn’t it?

Phoenix: *sigh* You know, I’d kind of hoped that you were done with that nickname.

Just an additional note, Godot doesn't actually call Phoenix 'Trite' after the final trial in 3-5. But if you want to go ahead with it, fine by me. It lead to a few funny lines like Trite Jr anyhow. :maya:

Apollo: Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.

Athena: *whispers* Um… Boss? Aren’t Trucy and Apollo…?

Phoenix: …Yes.

Godot: What? I feel like I’m out of the loop here. Fill me in.

Athena: *whispers in Godot’s ear*

Godot: *spits out his coffee mid sip* Oh. That’s low even for the typical writers of this bilge.

Wait, how does Athena know about this? The only people who do know are Thalassa and Phoenix himself. As far as sporking continuity goes, Apollo and Trucy being siblings just appears to be some strange running thing between fanfics to the sporkers.

Athena: I… I really hope so. This is actually much worse than when I was a stripper.

Godot: Wait. You were a stripper?

Athena: In a FIC!!!

Which fic was this again?

Phoenix: Wait! First it was “long” and “huge” and now it’s “tiny”? That’s a glaring contradiction!

Apollo: Can we please not?

I like the awkward pause there. Nice touch.

Godot: *drains his coffee cup* Well, no other way to say it: that was a steaming pile of shit. But at least it was fairly short.

While I agree with Godot, I recommend you try not to make the sporkers swear too much. This one was alright since it's at the end of the sporking, but it's definitely something you should be careful about.

So yeah. Overall, a very good first sporking! I laughed out loud a couple of times and the reactions were definitely on point. The characters were very well written (especially Godot, which I have Tim commend you on!) and I enjoyed the interactions between the lawyer trio and Godot. The errors you pointed out were definitely huge and I liked the running gag of "tried". There were a few typographical errors, but they didn't really detract from the quality to me. Keep up the good work! :will:

Oh, by the way, are you putting this sporking (or at least, the link to it) on the Beta forums? The subforum for sporks is currently a bit deserted at the moment. :sadshoe:

Author:  TEG [ Sun Nov 26, 2017 7:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Southern Corn wrote:

Godot: Why hello Trite. Been a while, hasn’t it?

Phoenix: *sigh* You know, I’d kind of hoped that you were done with that nickname.

Just an additional note, Godot doesn't actually call Phoenix 'Trite' after the final trial in 3-5. But if you want to go ahead with it, fine by me. It lead to a few funny lines like Trite Jr anyhow. :maya:

Yeah, it's one of those things where I wanted to do a gag with it, so I just went ahead and did it. It's semi-justified when Phoenix says he hoped Godot was done with it. Clearly Godot liked the nickname so much he started using it again.

Apollo: Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.

Athena: *whispers* Um… Boss? Aren’t Trucy and Apollo…?

Phoenix: …Yes.

Godot: What? I feel like I’m out of the loop here. Fill me in.

Athena: *whispers in Godot’s ear*

Godot: *spits out his coffee mid sip* Oh. That’s low even for the typical writers of this bilge.

Wait, how does Athena know about this? The only people who do know are Thalassa and Phoenix himself. As far as sporking continuity goes, Apollo and Trucy being siblings just appears to be some strange running thing between fanfics to the sporkers.

Heh. I may have goofed here. I could've sworn that at one point in one of the games, Phoenix says something about it to Athena while Apollo and Trucy aren't in the room, but I may be completely misremembering it. It is the sort of thing you can justify by saying it happened offscreen, anyway.

Athena: I… I really hope so. This is actually much worse than when I was a stripper.

Godot: Wait. You were a stripper?

Athena: In a FIC!!!

Which fic was this again?

This two parter:,
Also referenced earlier when Athena says the Athena/Phoenix pairing is giving her a terrible feeling of deja vu.

Godot: *drains his coffee cup* Well, no other way to say it: that was a steaming pile of shit. But at least it was fairly short.

While I agree with Godot, I recommend you try not to make the sporkers swear too much. This one was alright since it's at the end of the sporking, but it's definitely something you should be careful about.

Definitely not something I plan to do frequently. This one was just bad enough, and it was in character enough for Godot, that I thought it warranted it.

So yeah. Overall, a very good first sporking! I laughed out loud a couple of times and the reactions were definitely on point. The characters were very well written (especially Godot, which I have Tim commend you on!) and I enjoyed the interactions between the lawyer trio and Godot. The errors you pointed out were definitely huge and I liked the running gag of "tried". There were a few typographical errors, but they didn't really detract from the quality to me. Keep up the good work! :will:

Glad you enjoyed it! Godot was definitely a character I had to put some thought into writing. I had to go over several of his lines and think about if they were too abrasive, not abrasive enough, or sounded too much like Edgeworth.

Oh, by the way, are you putting this sporking (or at least, the link to it) on the Beta forums? The subforum for sporks is currently a bit deserted at the moment. :sadshoe:

Sure. Just give me the link and I'll put it up.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sun Nov 26, 2017 7:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Here you go. You'll just have to sign in with the same username and password as here and then post it. Keep in mind that the Beta is still, well, a beta, so the smilies won't show up like normal. I suggest putting the character names as a temporary replacement.

Author:  TEG [ Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Alright, it's up now. The only thing I couldn't figure out was how to add that red bar between the intro and the rest of the sporking. How do you do that?

Author:  Southern Corn [ Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

TEG wrote:
Alright, it's up now. The only thing I couldn't figure out was how to add that red bar between the intro and the rest of the sporking. How do you do that?

That's the tag labelled

Normally here it looks like this:

But on the beta you need to select it like this:

Then the red line will show.

Author:  Sky [ Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I'm not sure if some of you remember this, but I remember someone on did one for a fan fiction where Klavier has a new phone and he goes pranking everyone with it and when he pranking Franzy she ends up giving him a pregnancy test.

Does anyone remember the name of the fan fiction?

Author:  Southern Corn [ Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Here you go.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Sun Dec 31, 2017 7:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hey, y'all! Happy New Year! It's been quite a while since the last sporking, huh? To start this year of 2-4 and 3-2, let's have ourselves a new series! Introducing...

Loving a Bloodsucker (Part 1)

Rating: :sahwit: :sahwit: :sahwit:

This is only for the first few chapters. The premise is…well, it's a Phoenix/Iris fic, except that Iris is a vampire. I'm not joking, and it's just as crazy as it sounds. That's all I'll say here, because you really need to see it for yourself. This will be in separate parts, of course, because this is 13 chapters long. And yes, I'll be doing all of it. I…I hope I can survive.

Also, before anyone mentions it, I'll say that this fic is based on this anime. Currently, this may just seem strange, but keep this in mind for the later chapters.

Now, introducing the sporkers for this:

:maya: - "That title sounds pretty ominous…"

:eh?: - "Wait, why am I here, pal?"

:larry2: - "Hey, guys! How's it goin'?"

:nixiemad: - "Ahh! I'm not a vampire, I swear!"

:iris: - "Um…"


[Oh, wow. Has it really been that long since…wait, I'm digressing. Erm, hello, everyone! I'm glad you're here, because-]

Speakers: Really, Narrator? All you have to say is that the sporkers are doing whatever and then shut up. Is that so hard a job for you?

[N-no, sir. Of course not! The sporkers are doing just great!]

Maya: No, we aren't! Me and Iris here are stuck with freaking Larry of all people-

Larry: Whaaaat?! C'mon, Maya! I thought we had something going on!

Gumshoe: Wait, what about me, pal?

Maya: Oh, that's right. Sorry, detective. I kinda forgot you were there.

Gumshoe: Tch. I see how it is, pal.

Iris: Um…will Phoenix be joining us here?

Speakers: Yeah! In fact, here he comes!

[…? Oh, yes! As the Sporkers turn around, they notice Phoenix enter. The only thing is that he's dressed differently than usual- wearing a pink sweater with a bright 'P' on it.]

Phoenix: H-hello, everybody! Sorry I'm so late!

Gumshoe: Mr. Wright? That you, pal?

Maya: Oh, yay! It's the fun Nick!

Larry: Yo, Nick! I like your new style! C'mon, sit next to me, old pal!

Phoenix: Sure! Thanks, Larry. *looks around* Oh! I remember you! You're the strange girl from...that one time, right?

Maya: Strange?! What do you-

Phoenix: Wait. Is that you I see, Dolly?

Iris: Um…

Phoenix: It is! I just knew it!

Maya: Oh…wait. He doesn't know, right?

Iris: No, he doesn't.

Maya: Detective Gumshoe!

Gumshoe: Huh? Yeah, pal?

Maya: Could you try and keep these two away from each other? For the greater good, you know.

Gumshoe: Why do you- oh, yeah! I remember now. Sure! Hey, Mr. Wright! You aren't allowed near her till the show's over, alright?!

Phoenix: Whaaat?! But how could you-

Maya: Sorry, Nick, but it had to be done. You'll understand later. Now can we start?

Speakers: Yes, thank you. Now let's start. Roll the first chapter!

Loving a Bloodsucker
Chapter 1: Meeting the Blood Sucker

Maya: Bloodsucker? Is there a vampire here?

Phoenix: I swear, it isn't me!

Larry: N-nor me! The only thing I suck is…er-

Gumshoe: Look, we didn't ask, pal.

I've been reading some Phoenix Wright monster stories so I decided to make my own. Still romantic however. Hope no one thinks that vampires in this case are unoriginal. I actually wish this happened to me! Also this story has very little relevance to other Phoenix Wright games the story is from pure scratch.

Phoenix: What?! Now they're saying I'm a monster? It's all true, I tell you! Gack, I mean…false! Yeah, this is totally fake news!

Iris: So this story is going to be a romantic vampire story?

Gumshoe: Those genres don't seem like they'd cross well, pal.

Larry: Oh, you'd be surprised, my man!

Maya: It's also a little freaky that the author wants this to happen to them.

Phoenix walked gloomily towards Ivy University. It seemed that everything that happened to him was pure bad luck.

He had the worst teachers, Worst classes, most of his friends went to a different College, and to top it of his parents kicked him out the house and he was living at a crappy apartment.

Phoenix: Look at this! More slander, I tell you! Did Doug write this?

Larry: Hey, but you still have me, am I right?

"Why do I even bother to go to school? Nothing there is awaiting me" Phoenix thought.

He stopped and considered turning around and heading back home but nothing was waiting him their either.

Phoenix: Aha! Look! That's the wrong 'there' at the end! Gotcha now, Dougie!

Gumshoe: You're still on that train of thought, pal?

Maya: *whispers* Just let him be, Detective Gumshoe.

Gumshoe: *whispers back* B-but you're his assistant, pal! You're supposed to keep him in check!

Maya: *whispers back again* Nah, let him run with it. Don't let him know that I'm his assistant. He might get the wrong idea and deny everything while frantically apologising to Iris.

He had no other choice but to keep walking towards the college.

He kicked a stone a cursed. "Why does this happen to me!?"

However he then heard a faint sound. Something like a bicycle.

He turned around only to get smacked in his head by the bicycle.

Larry: Ouch! Sounds like things escalated quickly, Nick!

Gumshoe: That really looked painful, pal.

Iris: Doesn't Phoenix ride on a bicycle?

Phoenix: Y-yeah, I do! See, Doug?! You don't even know the first thing about me!

Phoenix rubbed his head in pain. "What was that?"

He then realized a strange soft feeling on his other hand.

Larry: Oooh! Is this going where I think this is going to go?

Maya: (I can't believe I'm saying this for Nick, but…) Larry, no.

He turned around to see his hand was in the thigh of a pretty girl. She had silky black hair, pure violet eyes, and was wearing what looked like a purple acolyte's outfit.

Larry: Ooh, score!

Iris: *blush*

Phoenix: Actually, that reminds me. Why'd you dye your hair black, Dolly?

Iris: Huh? Well, er…

Phoenix: Well, it's fine with me! You still look gorgeous no matter what colour your hair is!

Maya: Also, her eye colour isn't purple. It's brown.

Phoenix: A-ack! That's j-just what I was going t-to say!

Maya: Suuure, Nick. Suuure.

At first Phoenix didn't know what to do. Her eyes were locked with his and she was blushing.

Phoenix then pulled his hands away and had a ferocious nose bleed.

Maya: Pfft! This is as cliché as you could get!

Larry: Seriously, dude, clean your nose.

Phoenix: I do! I make sure to clean it every night along with cutting my nails and cleaning the toilet.

Maya: (So that's where that trait came from!)

"Gah!" My nose!" Phoenix then pulled out a tissue and began to wipe off the blood.

"Oh No blood!" the girl exclaimed.

Gumshoe: Wait a second.

Maya: What's up, Detective?

Gumshoe: I was just thinking…isn't this supposed to be a vampire story?

Maya: You're right! But if that's the case, then-

Iris: What?! But I would never-

Phoenix: No way! My Dolly would never suck blood! Now I know for sure this is Doug's work!

Gumshoe: Could you lay off that, pal?!

Phoenix turned his head in confusion.

The girl then was walking towards him with a seductive look.

Iris: Huh?! Why is this happening?

Larry: Whoa, Nick! This might be a bit too much for you!

Phoenix: What?! I'll have you know that I'm used to…this sort of…erm-Ow! Why'd you slap me?!

Maya: I needed to, Nick. You were going to embarrass yourself again anyway. (Urgh, he's actually starting to get on my nerves a little.)

Phoenix blushed at the sight. She slowly walked towards him and started to lean against him. She began to mutter some words.

"I'm sorry it's just when I smell blood I can't resist,"

"What?" Phoenix asked in confusion.

Phoenix: O-oh no! S-she isn't going to bite me, is she?

Maya: I wish. Then this story could end early.

However he felt a strange pain in his neck and noticed the girl's lips were latched on to his neck.

Maya: Whoaaa! This really is ending already?

Phoenix: Ah! Stop! I can't look!

Larry: C'mon, Nick! There isn't even any real blood on screen!

Phoenix: I know, but the thought of it alone is making me queasy!

Gumshoe: Wow, um…you're kind of a wuss, pal.

Maya: Yeah, it's kind of ironic seeing as how he'll become used to seeing blood in a few years.

Phoenix didn't know what to do stop her or embrace it.

Gumshoe: No, don't embrace it, pal!

Iris: You could die from it!

Phoenix: I would never do such a thing!

She then pulled her lips away from his neck and looked into his eyes.

"Thanks for the treat!" she said cheerfully.

Phoenix then noticed he was bleeding from his neck and figured what had happened.

Maya: Look out, everyone! We've got a real Sherlock Holmes over here.

Gumshoe: *whispers* Nah, but really. Why would the author make Sister Iris a vampire? And why would they want this to happen to them?

Maya: *whispers back* Who knows? People are into some weird stuff.

"AHHH you just sucked blood from my neck what the heck are you some kind of vampire!?" he screamed flailing.

The girl put on a sad face. "So you don't like vampires?"

Iris: Is that supposed to be wrong?

Larry: Totally! It's vampire xenophobia, man!

Phoenix: Huh, I never thought about it like that.

Phoenix noticed her sad expression and felt a bit guilty for some reason.

"Um no I don't mind vampires," he said rubbing his neck.

The girls face then lit up and she gave a cheerful smile.

Gumshoe: Wow, it's true. Maybe we shouldn't be so firm-minded about these matters, pal.

Phoenix: Yeah! I'm going to buy some pro-vampire merchandise after this!

Maya: Wow, we really did make a difference today. A true astonishment in these dark, dark times. Isn't that right, everyone?

Larry: Heck yeah!

Iris: How did we suddenly get here again?

"Really! That's great most humans I meet normally run away from me or attack me but you're different!" she said smiling.

Phoenix was perplexed by her words. "So you're not human?"

"Nope full blooded vampire!" she cheerfully said.

Iris: Wait, but why do you disclose it so openly then?

Maya: Duh, why shouldn't she? It's a part of who she is, and we should respect that!

Iris: Um…okay, then?

Phoenix: Look, guys. I think Dolly's a little confused about what's going on. Let's give her time to properly understand, alright?

Gumshoe: But she's not- *sigh* whatever, pal. Have it your way.

"Sure you're not," Phoenix said sarcastically.

Iris: Sarcastically? Doesn't that mean you think that she is a vampire, though?

Larry: Aw, shucks! You shouldn't believe people so easily, Nick!

Phoenix: Larry! You're the more gullible one here, you know!

Maya: That's…debatable.

The girl pouted at his sarcasm. "I am a vampire!"

"Prove it then," Phoenix argued.

Gumshoe: Whoa there, pal. You're starting to sound like Prosecutor Edgeworth now.

Phoenix: Wait, did you say Edgeworth?!

Larry: Yeah, man! Same guy and all! You know, our Edgey?

Phoenix: Whaaat?! Detective, you've got to-

Maya: Can we please move on? (What has Detective Gumshoe done now?)

"Isn't the fact I sucked your blood enough?" she asked pointing to his neck.

Phoenix stumbled and tried to think of an explanation.

"Err if you're a vampire and you did suck my blood what blood type am I?" he asked.

"That's easy O- and I must admit your blood is by far the best I have ever tasted! Can I have more!?" she asked leaning towards him and licking her lips.

Iris: Is your blood type O-, Phoenix?

Phoenix: Huh? I thought you knew, Dolly. Of course it-

Maya: Wait, guys! O- is the best blood to give to a vampire! Note it down!

Larry: Of course! I'll carry a sample around with me should I ever make friends with a vampire!

Gumshoe: Whoa, I will too! I think there's some blood samples at the coroner's.

"Hey no you sucked enough of my blood today I don't want to be dead by the end of the day," he said pushing her back.

Maya: Actually, that brings up a good point. Will fic-Nick be able to survive this entire fic without dying?

Phoenix: I sure do hope I will! It'd suck to suddenly die because of my vampire girlfriend.

"Fine then," she pouted. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Phoenix Wright and yours?"

"Iris Fey," she said happily.

Phoenix: Wait, what?! That isn't my Dolly!

Iris: …!

Phoenix: Yes…yes, of course! This must be an AU!

Iris: *sigh of relief*

Phoenix looked at his watch and noticed he was late for class.

"Oh man got to go Iris!" he said before dashing off.

However he could feel a strong tug on his shirt and could feel himself getting pulled in Iris's direction.

Maya: Wow, she looks strong.

Larry: Bet she could easily take you on, Nick!

Phoenix: Hey, that's mean! That totally struck my manly bars…

Maya: …Seriously, Nick? (Some things never really change, I guess.)

"Hey could you let go of me I need to get to class!" he said trying to flail out of her grip.

"I just want to ask a question," she started blushing. I never really had any human friends so I was wondering would you be my friend Phoenix Wright?"

Gumshoe: Look! The quote marks are all messed up!

Iris: Human friends? But aren't vampires humans as well?

Maya: I mean, most of them. But then you've got vampire bats and mosquitos too, so I guess that'd mean that Iris is only friends with them.

Larry: Whoa, sounds like a real Disney Princess there, Nick.

Phoenix: What can I say? My Dolly's a real princess!

Phoenix was going to answer yes but when he looked at Iris's cute face he needed something more charming.

"Of course I'll be your first human friend!" he said hugging her.

Gumshoe: Whoa there, pal. You're still only friends for the time being.

Larry: Nick, you old dog! I bet you just wanted an excuse to hug her, didn't you?

Phoenix: Huh? What? Wait, this isn't-

Maya: We're onto your game, Nick! Don't think you can squirm your way out of this!

Phoenix: H-heeeelp! I need an adult!

Gumshoe: Get it together! You are an adult, Mr. Wright!

"Thank you Phoenix for these things," she said.

Phoenix was confused by the words these and things.

"What do you mean by these?" he asked.

He as answered when he felt another sharp pain in his neck and could feel his blood getting sucked out of him.

Maya: Nope, fic-Nick won't make it at this rate.

Iris: 'He as answered'?

Phoenix: I-I think they meant 'was'.

Gumshoe: 'Things' still sounds weird. Blood is a fluid, right? You can't pluralise it, pal! There's gotta be another meaning to it!

Maya: His friendship? I'm not really sure that sounds right, though.

Phoenix started to blush. Although the blood sucking was painful and annoying, he felt a certain bond between them whenever she did it.

Maya: What? But this is only the second time!

Larry: Okay, Nick. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but sometimes you've gotta take things slowly, right?

Phoenix: I did! Me and Dolly have been dating for a year. Right?

Iris: Er…well, moving on.

Iris then pulled her lips off of him and waved him to him goodbye.

Phoenix knew this was going to be the start of a great relationship.

Gumshoe: And also pretty dangerous. That blood sucking could seriously affect you.

Aw don't you think a couple is cuter when one of them is a vampire I think so and so should you.

Maya: What? So this was just propaganda by the author the whole time?!

Larry: Wow, I can't believe we were deceived so easily.

Gumshoe: Yeah, pal. But we're still going to support vampires, right?

Phoenix: Of course! We can't let them just be discriminated against! We should do something about it!

Iris: Why have we gone back here again?

Also I will continue to update my other story to I just wanted to try this one out as well. I'm also new to the monster community so anyone with ideas that can help me improve go ahead and help me out.

Now people review please!

Phoenix: Still, I can't believe that Doug was in on all of this propaganda. I should go teach him a lesson.

Gumshoe: Come on, pal! Get off of that alre-

[The lights come on.]

Gumshoe: Huh? Oh, it's over.

Speakers: Well, technically. There's still one other chapter left, though.

Phoenix: Oh, so it's just an intermission. Are there any snacks?

Maya: Any O- blood samples?

Speakers: Um, we don't have those. We'll try to get those in next time.

Maya: How could you, Management?! I thought you were above such prejudice!

Larry: Hey, wait a second! There's garlic bread in here! What kind of snack bar is this?!

Gumshoe: Geez, and here I was thinking you guys had some standards!

Speakers: Oh, for the love of– look, we're sorry. We'll change our views, alright? Now shut up and sit back in your seats. There's still one chapter left.

[The lights go back off again and the sporkers go back to their seats.]

Chapter 2: Betting on a Blood Sucker

Maya: Betting on a Blood Sucker?! What, are vampires now just horses?

Phoenix: And I'm pretty sure the term 'Blood Sucker' is derogatory to them!

Speakers: *sigh* Are you kidding me here?

Phoenix was still in a daze as to who or what Iris fey was. He didn't fully believe that she was a vampire. To him she looked like a strange 18 year old girl with a blood thirst literary.

Larry: Literary? Man, I didn't know Iris was a bookworm!

Iris: I think they meant to say 'literally'.

He decided to put that in the back of his mind and to just eat some lunch. He had called Iris to eat with him as he was still without any other friends.

When Iris meet up with him he noticed that she didn't have any lunch with her.

"Iris don't you have any lunch?"

Gumshoe: What're you talking about, pal? You're her lunch! I think.

Phoenix: Wouldn't my blood be more of a drink, though?

Larry: C'mon, Nick. Maybe vampires eat differently than us, yeah?

Iris looked confused. "What are you talking about I have my lunch right here," she said as she sat next to Phoenix.

"I don't understand Iris you have no lunch yet you claim to have some"

Maya: Jeebus, Nick. Can you even think properly?

Phoenix: Ahh! I'm not that dumb, I swear!

Iris giggled. "You haven't figured it out yet? Fine I'm digging in my lunch right now"

She then lunged herself at Phoenix and bit his neck.

Gumshoe: Is it a good idea to do that in public?

Iris: I thought you were saying it was alright for vampires to be themselves?

Larry: Yeah, but it's clear that in this world that vampires are detested! So obviously they wouldn't want to drink blood in public!

Maya: Yeah, Iris! Sheesh, I can't believe Larry's correcting you on this.

Iris: Um…I don't…never mind.

Why didn't I see that coming? Phoenix thought as Iris was slurping out his blood.

Iris released her latch after awhile and licked her lips. "I don't know what it is about you Phoenix but your blood is oh so tasty!" she said giving a contempt smile.

Gumshoe: A 'contempt' smile? That doesn't sound very nice, pal.

Larry: Yeah, Nick. I think you may have a gold digger on your hands. Or rather, a blood digger.

Iris: They clearly meant 'content', however.

Larry: Oh...yeah. Yeah, I knew that!

Phoenix rubbed his neck in pain. "Look Iris you got to stop this vampire act," he said seriously.

Iris pouted. "I told you I am a vampire! I suck blood, I have super strength, and finally I despise garlic!"

Maya: Wait, super strength?!

Gumshoe: If that's the case, then we should have some vampires on the force, pal.

Phoenix gave Iris a doubtful look. She looked like to him a vampire wanabee. Phoenix just shrugged it off and ignored the fact. Until one of Iris's earrings fell under the table.

"Oops! Don't worry I'll get it" she said before lifting the entire table with one hand.

Larry: Waaaah!

Phoenix: Eeeeek! Er, I mean, I can totally do that myself!

Maya: Don't kid yourself, Nick! You're such a weenie that you can barely lift yourself up from bed in the mornings!

Larry: Y-yeah! It's a wonder that your body manages to support itself with how weak you are!

Gumshoe: Wanabee? It's 'wannabe', pal.

Phoenix's could have sworn his jaw dropped all the way to China and was getting licked by a sheep.

Iris: I've never heard that phrase before.

Larry: I've heard that first part before…I think.

Gumshoe: The second one is just weird, though.

Iris then reached down to get her earring and brought the table down.

Phoenix was still in shock from the sight of Iris lifting the table.

"How did you do that!?"

Iris blushed. "Oh it was nothing just an advantage to being a vampire.

Maya: Duh! She mentioned it, like, three quote boxes back.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind the sporkers not to break the fourth wall.

Maya: We'll stop breaking it when you guys deal with your prejudices!

Speakers: …

Gumshoe: Wow, you shut them up nicely, pal.

Phoenix flustered not sure weather to believe the cute girl in front of him was really a vampire. Not that he minded but it was just bizzare that she was one.

Phoenix: Bizarre?! As if!

Speakers: …You know what, I can't take this anymore. *click*

Iris: ? Did the speakers suddenly switch off?

Maya: Yay! We finally shut those idiots up for good!

He sighed. He was excited but also freighted by the fact that Iris was a vampire.

Iris noticed Phoenix's abnormally pale skin.

"You ok?" she asked concerned.

"Yeah I'm fine," It's just that I'm friends with a vampire!

Gumshoe: Freighted? Is he a truck now?

Iris: I-

Gumshoe: Yeah, I know they meant 'frightened', pal.

Lunch continued without the topic of blood, monster, or vampire.

Then Phoenix noticed it was time for his next class.

"I got to go Iris I'll call you later!" he said waving.

Iris waved back and also blew a kiss in his direction.

Larry: "Friends".

Phoenix: Heh, what can I say? I guess I just exude that kinda charisma.

Iris: Well…

Gumshoe: I don't see it, personally.

Phoenix blushed madly at her display of affection. He quickly rushed to his next class.

On his way their he was intercepted by a guy about his height, blond spiky hair, and an orange jacket.

Larry: Oh, hey! Look at that wonderful handsome man! I wonder who he could be?

Gumshoe: I didn't know that you were blond, Harry.

Larry: Huh? It's, well, the same difference, yeah?

"Nice work with the ladies out their man" he said giving a thumb's up.

"Um thanks" Phoenix replied then proceeded to walking to his class.

"Hey don't leave me hanging man! How'd you get her to kiss your neck?" he asked eagerly.

Iris: So he was watching in the cafeteria?

Larry: See, man? I told you earlier. Doing that in this public is just a bad idea!

Phoenix: I don't think it was you who said that, Larry.

Larry: H-huh? You just don't remember correctly, that's all.

"It's none of your business!" Phoenix said seriously.

"Maybe it's not my business but I want to now anyway" he insisted.

"Do you really want to know?" Phoenix asked.

"Of course man isn't everyman's dream to get kissed like that"

Larry: Seems like this author knows me well.

Maya: Yeah, you do seem the type of person who can't spell for their life.

"Fine then I'll tell you… She's a vampire"

The man got a crazed look in his face. "Eh did you say vampire? The kind that sucks blood and that stuff?" he asked.

"Yes she's a vampire"

"I don't believe you. Give me proof" he argued.

Larry: Man, look at me go! I could be a lawyer if I ever needed to.

Larry: Yeah, man, you totally could!

Phoenix: You really couldn't, Larry. Even if you tried you wouldn't be able to pass the bar exam!

Maya: And stop talking to yourself!

Iris: It's an...interesting way of self encouragement.

"Fine then I'll give you your proof after class in the library"

"20 dollars say's she's not" Larry said giving off a grin.

"50 say's she is" he argued.

"Deal!" he said shaking his hand. "50 bucks for me to net!"

Gumshoe: Do you even have 50 bucks, pal?

Larry: Hey, now, you're talking to someone who graduated from junior high, who-

Gumshoe: You don't, do you?

Larry: *starts nervously sweating* Er…

"You'll see," Phoenix said.

Later That Day

Phoenix called Iris on his cell phone.

"Hey Iris I was wondering could I ask you a favor?"

"What is it?"

"I made a bet with a certain person that you were a vampire could you prove it to him?"

Iris: This is a strange phone call.

Phoenix: Oh, puh-lease! I'd never use you as a gambling device, Dolly! You're my one and only, and I respect you as a person!

Maya: Wow, Nick. I never knew you were such a white knight.

Phoenix: Heyyy-!

Gumshoe: Ouch. That's overdoing it even for you, pal.

Maya: Sorry. I think it's just this Nick's…aura resonating after a while. Somehow I can see how he was friends with Larry now.

Gumshoe: Yeah, he's a strange one, alright.

"How should I prove it?"

"Oh just suck his blood that should be proof enough"

Iris giggled. "Did you do that for me?"

"Huh do what?"

"Set up this date just so I could suck his blood. Your so sweet but not as sweet as your blood!

Larry: Did she just admit that she likes your blood more than you? I knew it!

Phoenix: No, no, no! It was just…er, a turn of phrase! Yeah?

Gumshoe: Why are you putting a question mark to that statement, pal?! Be confident in yourself!

She giggled some more.

"Just meet me at the library Iris"

"I'll be their waiting for my treat" she said before hanging up.

Phoenix sighed. "What am I goanna do with her?"

Larry: Go Anna? *sigh* I wish. Anna abandoned me just so she could pursue her dream career as a-

Phoenix: Wait, who's Anna again?

Even later that day

The strange man was whistling a tune as he happily walked his way to the library.

Larry: Hey! I'm not 'strange'!

"Ha what was that guy thinking giving away 50 bucks claiming that he knew a vampire what a joke!" he thought to himself. But as he walked to the library he could hear some rustling noises. He took a peek inside and saw Phoenix avoiding Iris trying to sucking his blood. However from his point of view it looked like she was trying to kiss him.

He then took the chance to pop in. "Hey dude rule number one of girls never reject a kiss…unless they're ugly but she's not ugly!" he said giving his famous thumbs up pose.

Maya: Rule number two: Don't interrupt a private moment to give terrible relationship advice.

Iris: Or how about rule number three: Don't try to suck someone's blood in a public place after you've been seen doing it once before.

Phoenix then pointed towards the guy. "See that's him suck his blood just leave me alone for once!" He struggled.

"But your blood is so tasty!" she urged.

"But his is better!" he said pointing towards the man.

Gumshoe: Okay, now I know for sure this relationship isn't going to end well. He doesn't want to be sucked, she wants to suck him- it's just bad all around, pal.

Iris stopped leaning over Phoenix and took a look at the other man. He gazed at him for a minute before walking over to him.

The man blushed she was quite a pretty lady.

"So what's your name?" she asked creeping closer to him.

"Larry and your madam?"

Phoenix: My madam is right over there! *points to Iris*

Maya: Really?!

Larry: Whoa, Nick! I didn't know that you could be so cheesy.

Iris: Uh…? No, they meant 'yours', as in 'your name'.

Oh please stop the royalty act! Phoenix thought.

"Call me Iris," She said smiling.

"Your friends here says you're a vampire but I doubt it" he said smirking.

Iris gave a slight frown but quickly changed it to a smile.

"I am a vampire and I can prove it just stand still" she said seductively.

Maya: 'Seductively' again? C'mon! She isn't a seductress, so stop writing her as one!

Gumshoe: Nor is she a vampire, but it's too late to complain about that, pal.

Larry blushed. "Whatever you say vampire" emphasis on the vampire.

Iris leaned closer to Larry puckering her lips.

Larry was excited ready for her lips to press against his. However rather than feeling a kiss he felt a bite on his neck and could feel fluid being drained from his neck.

Maya: Pfft, as if.

Larry: Aw, can't I get some even here?

Phoenix: Sorry, Larry. Now we know who's better at this.

After about five second Iris's face turned green and quickly released her grip on Larry.

"Bleck! Your blood is terrible!" she said spitting out the blood.

Larry: Noooo! My blood tastes great!

Iris: …He's bawling on the floor like a child.

Gumshoe: Did it really upset him that much?

Phoenix: C'mon, Larry. Get up. … There, there, it'll be alright. Now sit down and continue watching.

Gumshoe: Wow, you seem pretty used to this, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: We help each other out in times of distress.

Iris: 'Each other'?

Phoenix: Yeah! One time, after this really bad date I had-

Maya: No, no. We don't need to hear about this.

Larry was still holding his neck confused as to what had happened. "Um I suppose this means I lost the bet…" Larry's voice trailed off. He dropped the fifty dollars and began to walk off.

"Larry you ok?" Phoenix asked concerned.

"Oh yeah I'm fine just tired and a bit weak" he said lazily.

Phoenix gave a smirk at Iris. "So how did it taste?" he asked.

Iris held her stomach in pain. "Ugh it tasted like garlic that terrible weed!" she said tightening against her stomach again. She then turned to Phoenix and licked her lips.

Maya: Garlic? Weed?

Iris: Is garlic a weed?

Gumshoe: Allium sativum? Duh, pal. How d'you think it's grown?

Maya: Whoa, detective! I didn't know you were interested in botany.

Gumshoe: Heh heh. What can I say? Just something I picked up.

Phoenix backed away trying to avoid her. "Iris don't you think twice is enough a day?" he asked holding his hands up.

Iris simply crept towards him. "I need your blood it's so cleansing!" she said smiling. She then lunged herself toward him and…

The next thing that was heard was a faint scream.

Larry: Okay, man. That's creepy even for me.

Phoenix: Ah! Are you alright?

Larry: Yeah, man. Just gotta get over it.

Maya: This is super unhealthy.

*Yawn* another late night chapter hope you guys like it the plot in this story was a bit sloppy but ah well next chapter will be better.

Now the bible of 3k1 says REVIEW people as you wish to be REVIEWED

Phoenix: Bible of 3k1?

Maya: The author forgot to mention how blatant the propaganda in the story is.

Gumshoe: Yeah, pal.

*awkward silence*

Larry: this thing over?

Maya: I think the film is over, but there's no other indication given by the Management.

Phoenix: Did they leave?

Gumshoe: Well, I guess if they did, we can.

Phoenix: Okay, then. Bye, guys! See you later!

*Phoenix walks out*

Maya: Phew. I'm quite glad it's over.

Gumshoe: Me too, pal.

Iris: It was a surreal experience.

Larry: Good stuff! Are we all gonna bring some pro-vampire merch next time, guys?

Maya: Heck yeah!

Gumshoe: Why wouldn't we?!

Larry: Sweet! I can't wait for that! But I've got a date to catch, so…adios!

*Larry leaves*

Maya: Alright, now let's get outta here!

Gumshoe: Yeah. Hey, Maya.

Maya: Mm?

Gumshoe: I do think you might have been a little too hard on young Mr. Wright there at times.

Maya: Well, what can I do? I kind of liked him at first, but after a while, I realised that he's so…immature. And this is coming from me! You know, I never really realised it, but the thing I appreciate the most about normal Nick is that he's serious and mature. Maybe it was just me, but seeing him like that…felt wrong.

Gumshoe: Maybe, but people are allowed to be a bit silly, right? You're the shining example of that. You shouldn't be so hard on him. Some people tend to grow at their own pace. You should just let him be.

Maya: Yeah, maybe I should. Kind of hard to forget who I'm talking to.

Gumshoe: If you'd like, I can get you a hamburger to help you think, pal.

Maya: Oh! Sure. Thanks, detective. You can join too, Iris.

Iris: Huh? Oh, thank you.

Maya: Okay, now let's blow this popsicle stand! Yo, narrator? You can do your thing now.


Maya: What, no ending narration either? Lame.

Gumshoe: Feels kinda strange without it.

*the rest walk out*

Thanks for reading! Constructive criticism is appreciated. At this point, I use autocomplete to write that for me, but it really does mean a lot to me. Especially with this one, since I'm still a little unsure on how I wrote some of the characters. Anyway, goodbye, and have a happy 2018!

Author:  TEG [ Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Not bad. I liked the running gag where young Phoenix thought the fic was some kind of defamation against him by Doug Swallow. I also kind of liked the moments where Iris was the only sane person while everyone else was getting worked up about "vampire discrimination". Would the management really be that upset over being accused of being "vampirecist"? They always seemed kind of... heartless to me, what with everything they subject the sporkers to, but I guess they can be whatever writers want them to be, since technically they're OC's.

Maya: No, you don't. You couldn't possibly hope to woo someone else in your life, Nick.

This seems kind of harsh for Maya. In fact, Maya in general seems a bit uncharacteristically mean. I know Mia got pretty annoyed with young Phoenix when he was on trial, but she had a lot more reason to. And Maya teases people, but usually not with genuine malicious intent, unless they've done something to really deserve it. I think if you want someone to directly insult other characters so brutally, a different character like Edgeworth or Franziska would be a better choice. Although I did like the "I can see how he was friends with Larry now" joke.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it overall. Just a few things though:

1. The Management was supposed to actually just be infuriated with the sporkers on their sudden vampire rights tangent that they just gave up and left. That was what I was aiming for, anyway.

2. The thing with Maya is definitely a valid criticism, and probably my biggest fear when publishing it. In fact, what you're seeing now is a toned down version from the original draft. That one line you spotted actually got there by accident and wasn't supposed to be there in this version. I'll remove it after this post. But yeah, I'd hope that gradually being annoyed with Feenie would make it a bit better, but I guess not, that's definitely going to be lessened to a great deal in the next parts.

3. It's also a little funny that you mention Edgeworth and Franziska, but I do actually have plans to bring them in for the next parts as well. Mostly to balance things out, but also to poke fun at the fic's other pats. Because it gets real stupid later on.

Author:  TEG [ Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Southern Corn wrote:
1. The Management was supposed to actually just be infuriated with the sporkers on their sudden vampire rights tangent that they just gave up and left. That was what I was aiming for, anyway.

Ah. Yeah, I didn't get that. They seemed defensive. I think some hints to their true feelings would've gone a long way here. Maybe an exasperated sigh at one point and an "Oh for the love of..." at another.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Sure, then. I've added that.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

So…I found this little fic when I was searching for Luke Atmey stuff, and I think we've got some sporking material on our hands. I'm busy with something else, but anyone else is free to claim this. It'll be pretty short to spork, but you could potentially bring in Luke himself for the sporking, which'll be pretty neat. But yeah, do with this what you will.

Author:  Southern Corn [ Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Exactly one year ago, on this very day, I released my sporking of the very terrible Mayo's rattelsnek advuntre. Ever since then, I've done quite a lot in terms of sporking, and we still continue to this very day! So in honour of today, I'm releasing the second part of Loving a Bloodsucker! I tried to take into consideration what everyone told me to improve on in this part, so hopefully you like it. For now, though the fic's rating stays the same, it won't be too long before it descends into madness.

Now introducing…the sporkers!

:sad-maya: - "Aw, back to this propaganda again?"

:butz: - "This is no good, man!"

:iris: - "Are we already going here?"

:edgeworth: - "May I ask what exactly all this fuss is abo-"

:nixiemad: - "Edgeworth? Is that you?!"

So now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's begin!


Maya: Aw, really? The narrator still isn't back?

Iris: I think you might have annoyed them too much last time, Maya.

Maya: What were we supposed to do?! Ignore their obvious prejudices?

Larry: No way, José! That's just no good. Right, Nick?

Phoenix: …

Edgeworth: Why is he here? And why is he looking at me like that?

Maya: Probably because this version of Nick hasn't seen you in years.

Phoenix: R-really? So you are Edgeworth! I knew it! Where have you been all this time?!

Edgeworth: Management! Doesn't this violate canon in some way?

Maya: I don't think you'll get any acknowledgement from them anytime soon, Mr. Edgewo-

Speakers: Don't worry. We'll wipe away his memories of ever seeing you once this is over.

Edgeworth: Ah, good to hear.

Phoenix: H-hey! That isn't fa-


Iris: Have you been here the whole time?

Speakers: Indeed we have. And we've been listening to everything you've been saying. And we have some things to tell you idiots.

Larry: Is this about our pro-vampire merch?!

Edgeworth: …I was wondering about that, actually. Why are you wearing that obnoxious shirt, Larry? And Maya, what is with that outfit?

Larry: Hey, what's wrong with that, man? It's pretty catchy, you know. 'WE HUMANS ARE THE REAL SUCKERS', yeah?

Maya: And this is my vampire cosplay! Looks cool, right?

Edgeworth: That is a vampire? But it hardly even resembles o-

Phoenix: Come on, Edgeworth! Not everyone has to conform to your whims and fancies about what they should look like! Vampires can dress up however they'd like to!

Speakers: Regardless, as one member of our management oh so eloquently opined, keep that *BLEEP* outta here, yo. So tone it down this time, alright?

Maya: Is that why you didn't bring back Detective Gumshoe this time?

Speakers: What could we do? He was one of the major factors of this whole thing. And we'd be happy to remove even more of you if this continues.

Phoenix: Whaaaaat?! But that isn't eve-

Speakers: Now, let us begin. Please take your seats, sporkers. We don't want to do anything too…drastic.

[The lights turn off, and the sporkers begrudgingly sit down.]

Loving a Bloodsucker

Edgeworth: Ah, so is this what we're watching? What is this about, exactly?

Maya: Well, so basically, College Nick runs into Iris. The plot twist? She's a vampire!

Edgeworth: …What.

Phoenix: It's crazy, right? But it gets better! She has super strength too, and loves sucking my blood!

Edgeworth: How is that goo-

Larry: And then I come on the scene and ask for a little bit of her, yeah? She gives me the ol' bloody smooch, but it turns out that she doesn't even like my blood! What a load, man!

Iris: …Don't worry, Mr. Edgeworth. Despite what they're saying, you haven't missed out on much.

Edgeworth: In all honesty, I'd rather I miss more. As in everything.

Chapter 3: Family of a Blood Sucker part 1

Maya: Whoa! This is a two-parter!

Phoenix: So are we getting the load on Iris's family now?

Yay chapter three to story!

Edgeworth: *eye-twitch* This is the first sentence.

Iris: I think since it's in bold, it's supposed to be an author's note.

Edgeworth: That still does not excuse the terrible grammar exhibited in the very first sentence of this thing!

Larry: Whoa, Edgey, save it. This is only the beginning, after all.

Edgeworth: …Yes, I suppose so. Something tells me there are far worse things to critique here.

Phoenix was walking home from school to rest. It had been a long day and he was tired. While he was walking home he saw Iris dashing to him.

At first he thought she was going to suck his blood to he covered his neck excepting her to pounce on him.

Edgeworth: First off, use your commas. Secondly, it's 'expect', not 'except'.

Maya: Wow, Nick's already become paranoid of getting his blood sucked?

Phoenix: Well, I'm still a little surprised that I'm alive at this point. N-not that I mind!

Iris: …Why are you looking at me like that?

"Hey good news!" she said smiling.

Phoenix slowly let his guard down. "So what is the good news?" he asked.

"My family is coming over! I told them a lot about you they want to meet you… and your blood" she said grinning.

Edgeworth: That is absolutely not how to conjoin sentences! At least add an 'and' there!

Maya: Wait, my family? Does that mean I'll be making an appearance as a vampire too? Cool!

Phoenix: Wait, but how would you-

Maya: Oh, shoot. Er…because…we're really, really distant relatives! She's, um, my half cousin separated 8 times!

Phoenix: Oh, alright!

Iris: *whispers* How did you convince him so easily, Maya?

Maya: Because he's Nick. Duh.

"Great it hard enough having her suck my blood now a while family will" Phoenix thought.

"Something wrong?" she asked tilting her head.

Phoenix gave a fake smile. "Yeah I'm fine Iris just tired so don't suck my blood now," he said turning to his apartment.

Edgeworth: Ignoring the lack of proper punctuation, which I think I might have to, it's appalling how Wright simply does not seem to just try to dissuade Iris from sucking his blood.

Maya: That's probably because it's something the author's into.

Edgeworth: They WHAT?

Phoenix: Oh yeah! They mentioned they really wanted this to happen to them or something.

Edgeworth: B-but…how would that even-

Maya: Dunno. People are strange sometimes.

Larry: Hey, don't shame! People have their own kinks, you know!

Edgeworth: We're all too familiar with what 'kinks' people tend to have at this point, Larry.

"So this is where you live a lot better than where I have do," she said smiling.

Edgeworth: …What?

Maya: Is she trying to say that her place is worse than his?

"Where do vampires live?" Phoenix asked.

Iris tilted her head and thought. "Well we don't live in this world. We live in a world opposite of yours" she said then pulled a key. "We use this to travel from dimension to dimension.

Iris: Has this been mentioned before now?

Maya: No, I don't think so.

Edgeworth: So we're three chapters into this, and this is the first time he's asking her where vampires live?!

Phoenix: You don't know! Maybe this is just something vampires are sensitive to!

Edgeworth: And how would you know that?! Besides, she clearly answered that without hesitation!

"Wow you vampires have some pretty cool stuff but if that's true why do you come to this dimension?" Phoenix asked.

"Well apparently the human race has better education and better paying jobs than in our world" she said pouting.

Maya: Wait, how do they know? Is there some currency converter from vampire to dollars?

Larry: Or maybe there're some other vampires trying to bridge the gap between races!

Speakers: Ahem. Tone it down, please.

Edgeworth: Are we actually going to learn anything substantial about their world anytime soon? All we're getting are useless facts that we cannot do anything with. At least do some proper world building, author!

Speakers: If we may butt in, even the anime where they stole this from is pretty different in this case, since the school there is full of monsters disguised as humans, not actual humans.

Edgeworth: They stole from…?

Speakers: Oh, yeah. Did we forget to mention that? Whatever, it's not that big a deal.

Maya: It is that big a deal!

"Wait so when and where is your family going to show up?" Phoenix asked.

"Oh they're coming tomorrow to meet us I'm sure you'll love them!" she said giggling.

Phoenix groaned quietly. A family of vampires coming to meet him how could this day get any worse?

Larry: Whaddaya mean? If a family of vampires came to meet me, I'd be honoured! I'd let 'em suck me all day long!

Everyone: …

Maya: Um…should we-?

Edgeworth: Let's not. It's for the better.

Iris could tell Phoenix was frustrated. "Oh don't worry Phoenix I'm sure they won't mind you. Do you know what I do when I get tense?" she asked leaning towards him.

Phoenix could tell what was going to happen right away and dashed towards his apartment.

Maya: Well, at least Nick's developing some street smarts.

"But all I want is a little blood!" she called out.

"Not today I'm going to need all the blood I have for tomorrow!" he said running to the door.

Edgeworth: If he has to cope with this all day long, then how is he supposed to live? Blood donations? That would appear rather suspect to the doctors.

Iris: I do hope he can make it to the end of this alive.

It was true Phoenix was defiantly going to need all his blood for tomorrow. He had a feeling that he was going to have a sore neck tomorrow.

Maya: Defiantly? So he's going to try and resist his need for blood or what?

Iris: And if you feel as if you don't wish to see the vampire family, then you shouldn't see them.

Phoenix woke up the next day tense. He didn't know how the day would turn out. He had a day off of school today so he decided to take a walk outside. However he didn't notice that he was getting tracked.

Phoenix: W-whaaa?!

Larry: Nick, you've got a stalker! Watch out!

Maya: Ooh, spooky! Who could it be?

Edgeworth: Most likely someone we don't know yet.

Iris woke up the next morning happy and excited. Like Phoenix she lived in an apartment but on the other side of the world. She quickly got dressed and headed out to the other dimension. However she felt a slight tug on her arm as she was leaving. She turned around and her eyes gleamed at the sight of her younger sister who was much younger than her, had brown hair, and was very cute.

Maya: Wait a second. Is that…

Iris: I think it is.

Maya: Aw, come on! And here I thought I was going to get the vampire treatment!

Phoenix: Er, who's that?

Maya: Nobody you know yet, Nick. Don't worry about it.

Edgeworth: Do we not even get a simple description of this 'other dimension'? Is it just the same as the normal world? How lazy of the author.

"I didn't think you would get here so early!" Iris said.

"I wanted to meet your friend I hope his blood is as tasty as you say!" the girl said jumping from excitement.

"C'mon hop on my back I'll carry you their," Iris said picking the girl up and placing her on her back.

Edgeworth: It's 'there', and it's also rather disturbing how she's encouraging her sister to suck his blood even more.

"But how will you find him?" she asked.

"I can smell his blood it's a sweet smell so you can't miss it" she said cheerfully.

Phoenix walked out side taking a breath of fresh air which helped ease his mind. He took a walk out in the park the tree's looked beautiful when they had blossomed. He thought about Iris and her family.

Maya: Whoa! What happened to having proper transitions, huh?

Edgeworth: I doubt the author knows what they are.

"What will it be like having a vampire for a friend? And why me I'm sure that my blood isn't the best tasting in the world. It seems I have the worst luck everything that happens to me is bad"

Maya: Geez, Nick! You get a vampire as your girlfriend, and you think you're unlucky?

Phoenix: N-no way! This isn't how I think!

Phoenix thought for a moment. He didn't dislike Iris or anything he just was uncomfortable about her being a vampire. Along with that everyone envied him because Iris was the cutest girl in school.

Larry: What's there to worry about, Nick? Envy is, like, the second best thing about snagging a girl like this!

Phoenix: Of course it is! I-it's, uh-

Edgeworth: I can't believe I'm the one to say this, but could you please stop harassing him?

But Iris did have some positive affects on him. She was cute and caring even if she did suck his blood everyday. She also had this way of cheering him up and was always smiling which made his day a lot better.

Iris: That's an odd positive to a negative.

Maya: The author's trying way too hard to justify this, that's all.

Phoenix: I thought you were saying that I was lucky to net a vampire girlfriend?

"Maybe it won't be so bad," Phoenix thought.

Iris and her sister were walking around town trying pick up Phoenix's scent.

Edgeworth: Oh, the irony. Here she is searching for him around town, so sure that she'll succeed in finding him, and he says 'Maybe it won't be so bad'.

Larry: Yo, Nick, that's quite a scent you've got there!

"Oh I think I can smell him!" Iris said cheerfully.

Her sister had picked up the scent as well. "Wow it is a sweet smell he must have rich tasting blood!"

Iris and her sister walked towards the park until they could see the back of Phoenix.

Maya: It…really is. Wow. Brace yourself, fic-Nick.

Phoenix: Rich tasting blood, huh? Heh heh.

"Is that him?" the girl asked.

"Yes that's him!" "Phoenix!"

Phoenix turned his head to find Iris and a little girl on her back.

"O-Oh hi Iris! So is that your sister?" he asked nervously.

Maya: Oh, here we go now.

Phoenix: Huh? What do you mean?

Maya: Nothing, nothing.

The girl jumped of Iris's back revealing her outfit that looked a lot like what a witch would wear. "Yes I am!" she said hardly containing herself.

"So your sister is a witch?" Phoenix asked giggling.

The girl pouted at the remark but before she could say anything Iris cut in.

"She's taking witch craft at her school I think she looks cute in the outfit"

Iris: Oh? So she's a vampire witch?

Larry: I think she looks pretty cool, yeah.

The girl blushed.

"So what's her name anyway?"

"Pearl but I like to call her Pearly" she said giggling.

Maya: *sigh* And here's vampire Pearly.

Edgeworth: Ah, I see. To be honest, with the hat covering her hair, I had a bit of trouble identifying her.

Iris: I realised who it was when I looked at those eyes.

Phoenix: Wait, I'm out of the loop. Who-?

Maya: Er, we'll tell you later, Nick.

"Well Pearly is cute," he said rubbing Pearl's hair.

Pearl's cheeks blushed even redder now.

Larry: Wait, what?


Iris: A-are they really going to-?

Edgeworth: We've already undergone Phoenix Drive!

"My sis thinks you're cute too," she said smiling.

Both Phoenix and Iris blushed at the comment.

Maya: …Oh, never mind. *sigh*

Iris: Thank goodness.

Edgeworth: I really thought they were going there.

Phoenix: It's kind of surprising how fast you jumped to that conclusion.

Maya: You'd understand if you were in our place, Nick.

"Pearly what did I tell you not to do!" she scolded.

"Not to suck to much of his blood?"

Edgeworth: Oh, they're bringing it up.

Maya: Really? That seems kind of-

"No while that is important I mean the other thing!"

Maya: Never mind, they are just going to ignore that.

Edgeworth: *sigh*

"Don't get into other people business?"

"Yes Pearl follow that rule!" Iris's face was bright red.

"But you make such a good couple!" she insisted. Don't you think so!?" Pearl asked Phoenix.

Maya: *giggle*

Edgeworth: Why are you laughing?

Maya: It's kind of refreshing not being forced into a relationship this time. Sorry, Iris.

Iris: Oh, it's no problem.

Phoenix didn't want to answer the question. "Well Pearly me and Iris are just friends," he replied.

"But she sucked your blood doesn't that mean anything to you!?" Pearly asked.

Phoenix blushed at that comment.

Larry: Yeah, dude! That means a lot, doesn't it?

Phoenix: Like my life, yeah. That's kind of valuable.

"Speaking of blood I want to taste some to!" Pearl said reaching up to Phoenix.

"What no!"

"No fair you let my sis suck your blood but I can't!?"

Iris winked at him. Which was a silent way of saying it's ok.

Maya: Oh yeah, because if she says it's okay, then it's alright. Sure, let mage Pearly become your secondary succubus.

Phoenix: Did the author have to spell that out, too?

Edgeworth: …Maya, do you know what a succubus is?

Maya: It's like a vampire, right? It sucks stuff!

Edgeworth: Not in the way you're thinking.

Phoenix stuttered. "Fine but not to much" he said.

Pearl smiled and jumped on Phoenix's back then sunk her teeth into his neck.

Fortunately for Phoenix her teeth didn't hurt as much as Iris's probably still baby teeth he thought.

Phoenix: "Iris's probably still baby teeth"? But…she isn't a baby.

Edgeworth: I don't blame you, Wright. It's the sentence structure. Most likely, the last part is to be read as a completely separate sentence, which is in no way indicated by the author.

"Iris do you know how I feel right now? I feel like a mother feeding her baby always feeding an insane hunger.

Maya: So, Nick, how's it feel to be a mother?

Phoenix: E-eh? Oh, it feels just great! Wait…no, I mean-

Larry: Wait, whaaa? Nick, you just keep on surprising me!

Edgeworth: Larry, no.

Pearl stop slurping and licked her lips clean.

"Wow that really is tasty!" she said trying not to bite again.

"Ok Pearl you had your fair share now it's my turn" Iris said leaning towards Phoenix.

"C'mon Iris am I a snack to you?" he said trying to hold her back.

Edgeworth: The man raises a good point. In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised at all if she was seeing him only for the taste of his blood. A blood digger, as it were.

Larry: Hey, I already made that joke last time!

"What no you're more to me than that!" she said defending herself.

"So you admit that you love him!" Pearls said joyfully.

"What no!" Iris replied.

Phoenix sighed this was going to be a long day a very painful blood slurping day.

Edgeworth: And then Wright died of blood loss. The end.

Maya: I wish that is how it ended.

Ok my people review or I will eat a rabbit alive and put it on youtube.

Phoenix: Wh-wh-

Iris: Where did this come from?!

Larry: Dude, that's pretty sick.

Maya: What?! That isn't fair! That's blackmail!

Edgeworth: I doubt that is actually true, but it's still rather surprising.

[The lights come on.]

Maya: Oh look, the narrator's back!

Speakers: We decided to give him a break this time after all the trouble you caused in our last sporking.

Maya: Pfft, whatever. Did you at least stock the snack bar properly?

Speakers: *BLEEP* no! Why would we do that *BLEEP*?!

Phoenix: Aaaah! Watch your language!

Maya: Yeah, cool. Too bad for you that we brought the snacks this time! Right, guys?

Larry: Oh, yeah! Here!

Edgeworth: What is that?

Larry: Oh, it's ketch- I mean, O- blood! Vampires love this, you know?

Edgeworth: I do not know. Where did you get this information from?

Maya: We learnt this during the last part! You should've been here!

Iris: It was…very strange.

Phoenix: It was very incredible!

Larry: Yeah, you want some, Edgey?

Edgeworth: Why would I-?!

Maya: Hmm, now that you mention it, you really do kinda seem to be the vampire type.

Phoenix: Oh yeah! The outfit, the hair, those bags under your eyes…they've even been calling you the Demon Prosecutor, haven't they?

Iris: But weren't you just saying earlier not to judge by appearances…?

Edgeworth: *groan* Really?

Larry: Aha! Admitting it, are we? Come on, Edgey! It's just a little blood! It won't ruin your diet that much!

Phoenix: If you don't like O-, then you can have my blood! You already know how good it tastes, right?

Maya: No, no! My blood's better than him!

Edgeworth: I refuse to partake in this. Management, I thought you said you weren't going to tolerate this any longer?

Speakers: …On second thought, this is turning out to be much more amusing than I anticipated. So…go all out with it. We don't care.

Edgeworth: What?! You double-crossing fiends!

Larry: So come on, Edgey, suck my blood!

Maya: No, no, Larry tastes terrible! I'm much better!

Phoenix: Hey, you know mine tastes great already! They even mentioned it in the fic!

Larry: Come on, that was a bunch of lies! I thought we figured that out when they said my blood tasted awful!

Edgeworth: Nnngh.

Larry: Ah, screw it. If you don't want to bite it, then we'll just give it to you! Tada!

Edgeworth: What the-?! Larry, you idiot!

Larry: Er…oops. Sorry, Edgey. It looks like my aim was off by a little.

Edgeworth: A little?! Not only was your aim so off that it was only by a lucky chance it hit me, you also managed to leave the 'blood' bag unclosed! And look at this mess! My suit is ruined! Nggggghoooooooh!

Larry: A-aw, cheer up! I'm sure it'll be alright.

Edgeworth: …I'm footing you the laundry bill for this.

Larry: H-hey, come on. That was just an accident, right? You know that.

Phoenix: No, wait! I'll give the money!

Maya: Huh?

Iris: Really?

Larry: O-oh, sure!

Edgeworth: Ah, I'm glad to see at least you've retained your common sense. Very well. Just so you know, the payment should be about…this much.

Phoenix: Ah, sure. Lemme check my wallet…alright, here you go.

Edgeworth: Many thanks, Wright.

Maya: Wow, that was uncharacteristically mature for you, Nick.

Phoenix: H-heh heh, thanks.

Larry: Phew! Glad to see everything settled itself. I'll juuust-

Edgeworth: Not so fast, you troublemaker! You're not going to escape so easily!

Speakers: I'm afraid that'll have to wait till later. May the sporkers return to their seats?

[The lights turn off.]

Maya: Well, looks like we have no choice now.

Edgeworth: Grmmph…!

Chapter 4: Family of a Bood Sucker part 2

Maya: Electric Boogaloo!

Iris: D-did they misspell 'blood'?

Edgeworth: How do you even do that?! And bloodsucker is also one word!

I have never read Twilight or seen the full movie. I always fall asleep half way for some reason. Anyway here's an idea I came up with when watching a anime TV FTW! Also sorry that the chapter is a bit shorter than the others.

Maya: Oh yeah, Twilight. I'm actually kind of surprised nobody's made any 'Still a better love story than Twilight' jokes.

Phoenix: Those really aren't that funny, are they?

Phoenix had the day of and decided to invite Iris and her younger sister to the amusement park.

The first ride Phoenix wanted to go was a new ride that had opened up. The Cyclone.

Edgeworth: Day of what? I think you mean day 'off'.

"Iris do you want to come with me on the ride?"

Iris gazed at the sight of the ride and slowly nodded.

"You act as if you've never been on a rollercoaster before," Phoenix joked.

Iris frowned and her normal happy smile had melted.

Phoenix: My Dollie likes rollercoasters just fine, thank you very much!

Iris: Y-yes, I don't have any problem with them.

Phoenix quickly tried to cheer her up by apologizing.

"Oh No Phoenix it's not you it's just I've never been out much" Iris said.

Phoenix tilted his head confused. "Really? Is it some vampire thing?" he asked.

Larry: What, is she sheltered or something?

Maya: Geez, I feel like we're on the verge of something here.

Iris nodded slowly but didn't give a strait answer.

Edgeworth: It's 'straight', not strait! A strait is a passage of water connecting two large water bodies! You shouldn't even confuse the two!

Phoenix decided it was probably best not to ask he quickly changed back to the topic of the roller coaster.

"Well even if it is your first time on a roller coaster it will be fun.

"Really?" Iris asked her face lighting up.

"It's a bit scary at first but it's not that bad"

Larry: Yeah, man! It's a thrill, alright. Even if Nick is kind of a wuss.

Phoenix: H-hey! I'll have you know that I'm NOT a wuss!

Edgeworth: Hmph. I never really saw the point in riding such things, in all honesty.

Maya: Yeah, I think I lost my lunch too on one of those.

Edgeworth: That wasn't what I was referring to.

"Don't worry sis Feenie will comfort you!" she said smiling.

Iris's face blushed.

"Feenie?" Phoenix asked.

"That's what Iris calls you when your back is turned" Pearl said smiling.

Phoenix: Hahaha!

Larry: Man, Nick, I dunno why you like that nickname so much. It sounds so…silly.

Iris: *blush*

Phoenix: Well, it's a good name, alright?

Iris quickly cut in. "I just thought it was a good nickname for you" she said shyly.

"You should make a nickname for sis to it would be romantic!" Pearl insisted.

Edgeworth: Once again, that sentence makes no sense till you realise that they meant to write 'too' but conjoined the sentences without adding any conjunction.

Phoenix: I call my Dahlia 'Dolly' but I'm not really sure about what nickname would suit 'Iris'. Um…Rissy?

Maya: Nah, I'm not feeling it.

Now Phoenix was blushing. "Um if it's ok with Iris,"

"Oh I got one! My older sister calls her Rissy sometimes maybe you could to" Pearl said jumping from excitement.

Phoenix: Huh. Alright!

Maya: …Really? I guess that has to do. …Wait, older sister?

"Older sister?" Phoenix asked.

Iris's face then flushed with fear and she started shivering.

"Iris are you ok?" he asked holding Iris's shoulder.

"I-I'm fine I-I just felt a little strange after hearing that" she said still shivering.

"Who is your older sister?" Phoenix asked.

Pearl answered for Iris. "Dahlia!" she said giggling.

Maya: …Oh. But wait, why would she call Iris Rissy?

Phoenix: OH! I get it now!

Iris: G-get what now?

Phoenix: I was wondering why they were calling you Iris for so long, but it's just your sister! Geez, how contrived is that?

Iris: O-oh, yes. It's, uh, very contrived.

Maya: (If you only knew the half of it, Nick.)

Iris coughed at the mentioning of her name. Phoenix was now concerned about her. "Iris is something about her that affects you?"

Pearls tilted her head confused. "Dahlia is nice to me I don't know why she would have such a negative affect on Iris after all they're the same person"

Phoenix: Alright, really? I would've accepted them being twins, but the same person?

Edgeworth: Heh heh. Yes, indeed so.

Phoenix scratched his head. "Um Pearls how could they be the same person?"

Pearls then lifted a strange necklace off of Iris's neck. It looked like a cross with a ruby in the middle and it had a strange eerie feeling.

Edgeworth: The word you're looking for is 'aura', or 'atmosphere'. Inanimate objects do not have any feelings.

"It's a Rosario normally Iris and Dahlia can switch between bodies but with this Dahlia is sealed for awhile"

Phoenix: Rosario?

Edgeworth: It's Spanish, I believe. It means 'rosary', though I don't know why this necklace is called that.

Speakers: Coincidentally, the anime this is ripping off is called 'Rosario+Vampire', so make of that what you will.

"So why is she sealed then?" Phoenix asked.

Pearls shrugged. "I don't know it was put on a couple of months ago no one will tell me why but I think it's no big deal"

Phoenix then grabbed the Rosario and examined it. As he was examining it he accidentally pulled it off of its chain.

Larry: Oh, shoot. What did you do now, Nick?

Phoenix: Me? But that was just-

Iris looked into Phoenix's eyes tears flowing.

"Iris what's wrong!?" Phoenix asked.

"I'm sorry Feenie…"she said her voice trailing off. Her eyes slowly closing.

"Iris…Iris" he said shedding a tear.

Phoenix: An…accident?

Maya: Look what you did, Nick! You killed her!

Edgeworth: Somehow, I think he did something even worse.

"Stupid human"

Phoenix looked down to see Iris's body changed. Her hair was orange, her deep violet eyes changed to a dark brown, and her smile had changed to a horrible frown.

Edgeworth: Hmph.

Phoenix: Whaaa?! Why is Dolly a villain?!

Phoenix at first didn't know what to say. Whether to be was happy that Iris was still alive or be horrified by the transformation made.

Larry: Wait, she's alive? Cool! You netted two in one, Nick!

Phoenix: Er…if you say so.

Don't worry everything will be explained in the next chapter!


I meant what I said last chapter I have a rabbit hanging over a pot of hot grease! And can deep fry him in seconds so unless you want to see fried rabbit REVIEW!

Edgeworth: Very well, I shall 'R/R'. I have read this, and here is my review: It was terrible.

Maya: Why'd they have to bring back the rabbit?

Iris: It feels out of place, yes.

[The lights come on.]

Phoenix: Oh! Is it over?

Speakers: Not yet for you, unfortunately. There's still one more chapter left.

Edgeworth: Ngh… (Why is this tiring me so much?!)

Maya: Aww, can't we start now?

Speakers: Oh? Am I hearing you correctly? Very well, then.

Edgeworth: Wait, no-!

[The lights turn off.]

Edgeworth: …

Maya: Hey, don't look at me like that, Mr. Edgeworth! You'll thank me when this is all over!

Edgeworth: …

Chapter 5: A Blood Suckers dark side

Maya: Aw, no Electric Boogathree?

Iris: Booga…three?

Phoenix: Nope, completely different from the Blood Sucker's Family Duology!

Larry: Duology, huh? That sounds cool!

Edgeworth: It doesn't fit this fic at all, then.

Double updates I'll be doing some other stuff so I might not be able to update as often. Anyway here's chapter 5 hope this clears things about chapter 4.

Edgeworth: Somehow, I doubt it will.

Phoenix stared and what was once Iris the one he cared for replaced.

"Dahlia!" Pearl cried hugging her sister.

"I missed you as well" she replied hugging Pearl back.

She quickly became serious however. "Pearl can me and Phoenix talk privately?" she asked giving a sweet smile.

Edgeworth: An improper use of 'and', lack of proper commas, and incoherent sentences all around. Already off to a fantastic start, I see.

Phoenix: I don't get it! Why does my Dolly have to be a villain?

"Of course!" she replied before skipping off. When Pearl had left Dahlia quickly glanced at Phoenix with a nasty look. Neither one of them said anything after a few moments of awkward silence Phoenix spoke.

"So how did you know my name?" he asked a bit scared.

Maya: Uh, probably because they're the same person or something.

"Have you forgotten already you humans are idiots I'm the same person Iris is. I can see everything she can see I can hear everything she can, I know everything she does"

"Gee a little harsh don't you think"

Dahlia stormed up to him. "Eek!" Phoenix squeaked.

Phoenix: Aaah!

Maya: Yeah, Nick. You really need to one up Dahlia here. So far, you aren't doing a convincing job.

"See you humans are weak and frail! Royalty shouldn't have to be badgered by weak beings like you!"

Phoenix was a bit curious at the Royalty part. "Royalty huh?"

Larry: So Nick gets a frickin' vampire princess as his girlfriend, and he thinks he's unlucky? Man, Nick, what's wrong with you?

Phoenix: Heh heh, my Dolly really is a princess!

Iris: Um…alright.

"If your hallow brain can take this in then I'm the daughter of a royal queen. I can't believe Iris is falling for such a lowly human. She could ruin the pure blood between vampires. Something that I will not let happen.

She then swiped her finger against his neck leaving a large cut seeping blood. She slid her finger across the wound scrapping the blood of and bringing it to her lips.

Edgeworth: First off, it's hollow, not hallow. I don't think Dahlia meant to call Wright holy, by any means. Secondly, is she still speaking, or did the author forget to close the quotes?

Maya: Take a guess, Mr. Edgeworth. Take a guess.

Phoenix: W-wait! That looked pretty fatal, didn't it?!

"I will allow you to live today. However if anything is to happen between you and my sister their will be more blood than just on your neck" she hissed coldly before swiping the Rosario from Phoenix.

She then latched the lock back on her necklace. Slowly Dahlia changed back to Iris.

Iris slowly opened her eyes. Tears flowing from the sight of Phoenix still alive.

Edgeworth: There, not their. How many times has the author made this mistake?

Maya: Huh, that was pretty nice of her. She even changed back into Iris. So all you have to do is not take off that lock on her necklace and you're free, Nick!

Phoenix: Phew! I was so worried, too-

"Oh Feenie I was so worried that you would get hurt!" she said hugging Phoenix.

Phoenix however feel over. The world for him was getting dark. "Am I dying?" he thought as he felt the cold ground.

The world was getting dark around him. Damn I lost too much blood must be from the cut! He thought feeling the blood trickle down his neck.

Phoenix: O-ooo....

Larry: Wait, are you for real?!

Iris: Don't tell me…

Maya: Oh my goodness, is Nick dying of blood loss?!

Edgeworth: This took far too long to occur.

He was able to whisper a few words before blacking out. "Iris…I'm… dying… after that he went unconscious.

Why!? Why do I get bad luck all the time! It looked like a turning point for me for once someone cared for me other than my parents. Someone I could care for lost…if only I had a miracle…

Larry: Hey, I care for you too, Nick!

Phoenix: Yeah, a lot more people care for me than that!

Maya: But the miracle never happen.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind the sporkers not to break the fourth wall or reference bad endings.

Maya: …But the reference never happen.

Speakers: And we'd like it to stay that way.

Phoenix thought those words again and again. However he soon saw a bright light.

This must be my stop heaven. He thought as the light got brighter and brighter. But he felt a tug and could feel himself getting pulled back and could hear words.

Edgeworth: It isn't your 'stop heaven', Wright. Nor is it your 'start heaven', either.

Maya: Aw, and he almost did die!

Don't die…

Please… come back…

He could hear the words as if from an angel.

Feenie…please don't die… I beg of you…

He felt a tear on his face. That tear was enough, enough to bring back the dead.

Phoenix slowly opened his eyes groaning. His first sight was Iris crying.

Larry: Wow, dude. That's, er…

Iris: Very cliché.

Phoenix: Haha! It's a little cheesy, isn't it?

"Please come back Feenie… Don't die I beg of you" she cried.

Phoenix slowly reached his hand out and touched Iris's face whipping the tears off of her.

Maya: Whipping the tears off her! Nooo, Nick's become Franziska!

Phoenix: Who?

Edgeworth: I must admit, that image is somewhat amusing.

Iris glanced down smiling like an angel hugging Phoenix tightly.

"Err Iris your using your vampire strength *cough* and your choking me!"

Maya: How does that work? Is she hugging him around his neck?

Larry: Sounds pretty intimate, Nick.

Iris released her grip on him. "Oh I'm so sorry this is my entire fault!" she said whipping the rest of her tears off.

"No Iris you didn't do anything" he said.

"No I knew it would happen I knew she would come back I don't want you hurt anymore!" she said crying again.

Edgeworth: She's quite correct. You should leave her, Wright.

Phoenix: But all I have to do is not unlatch that lock, right?

Edgeworth: Knowing you, that is rather likely to happen sooner or later.

Phoenix held her hands. "Iris it's ok I'm alive now right? We just have to be more careful"

"Yeah sis you can't run away from true love!" Pearl aid standing next to her.

Phoenix looked around and noticed he was in the hospital. He figured Iris had carried him their.

Maya: Wait, we're in the hospital now? Since when?

Edgeworth: Since Wright was going to his 'stop heaven'. I'm surprised Iris didn't simply call an ambulance 'their', however.

"So when will I get out of here?" Phoenix asked.

"Um Feenie they say you're going to need a blood transfusion"

Phoenix: Took long enough!

"Ok then who's donating my parents?" Phoenix asked.

Maya: Wait, Nick's parents are being donated?!

Phoenix: Noooo! Mom, Dad, come back!

Edgeworth: *sigh* The perils of improper punctuation…

Iris blushed. "Actually Feenie I will be giving you blood I felt a little guilty so I wanted to help and this is a way to make p for all the blood that I sucked out of you"

Maya: Huh? So do they have the same blood group or something?

Edgeworth: Does vampire and human blood even mix properly?

Phoenix: Can vampires even give blood? Iris has been sucking my blood, right? So if she gave it, wouldn't she feel hungry again?

Larry: Then she could just suck it back again!

Iris: That would defeat the point of giving any blood at all, though.

"Now you will have a little something of Iris in you it really is like true love!" Pearl said holding her cheeks.

Iris and Phoenix blushed. "We're not in love!" they both said together.

"But he took of your Rosario that's a sign!" Pearl pointed out.

"But any strong willed human can do that!" Iris argued.

Maya: Ah, it's great not to be involved in any romances.

Phoenix: Why would you be?

Maya: Oh, nothing.

While Iris and Pearl argued words in Phoenix's head echoed.

I'm the daughter of a royal family!

I can't believe Iris is falling for such a lowly human!

If anything is to happen between you and my sister their will be more blood than just your neck.

Edgeworth: D-did they include the same typo as well?

Maya: Yeah, they still wrote 'their'! C'mon, author! Now that's just lazy!

PHEW this took time to write but I think it's a master piece if I could put 3 genres drama would be put in as well!

Edgeworth: 'Masterpiece'? Are you serious?

Maya: I…I think they are.

R&R people

the rabbit is getting closer to the hot oil!

Edgeworth: My review remains the same as last time.

Maya: My review: I agree with Mr. Edgeworth.

[The lights come on.]

Phoenix: Oh, it's over! Thank goodness, now I ca- *zap*

Maya: Gah! Hey, where did he go?

Speakers: We took him back to where he came from. He won't be joining you anymore, I'm afraid.

Larry: Wh-whoa, this is getting crazy. I'll just be leaving!

Iris: Er, yes, I suppose we should.

Edgeworth: Yes, I agree. I wish to cleanse my mind of this as soon as possible.

Maya: Er, alright, I guess. Let's go, guys!

[And so our intrepid sporkers leave the theatre. What will happen next time? Is this fic anywhere close to over? Find out soon!]

Speakers: Actually, I've been wanting to take a vacation for some time now. Maybe I should.

Thank you guys for reading. As always, honest and constructive criticism is appreciated. I hope this part was an improvement over last time's. But that's all for today, so bye!

Author:  TEG [ Wed Feb 07, 2018 4:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I really liked the awkward situation with young Phoenix and everyone else once Dahlia entered the fic. It's kind of a shame it ended so quickly after that.

I may do something with that Luke Atmey fic, if I have time. I've been pretty busy lately though, so if anyone else wants to take it, feel free.

Author:  Skittlemask [ Fri Mar 16, 2018 1:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Revive, thread. Revive!

Title- Twelve Charms: Chapter 3
Rating- :sahwit: :sahwit:
Personally, I don't think this fic is that bad to warrant 3 Sahwits like Ben Lyon gave it, or at least it's not all that bad in the beginning. It's obvious the author was just having fun when she was writing this, and it shows through in her work. Later on, though, it would probably get more Sahwits because it started getting too nonsensical for even me to ignore. Also, I'm gonna try something a bit different. Well, not too different. I think Airey has done this before, and maybe even Rubia, but I never have. I hope it turns out OK!
Let's meet our sporkers!
Hobo Phoenix!
:Hoboright:"That isn't my name, management!"
Apollo Justice!
:apollo-shock: "I haven't seen Mr. Wright in that ratty outfit in what feels like ages!"
and Trucy Wright!
:trucy: "Hmm, the title of this fic looks kinda familiar…"

[We open in our sporking theatre. It's seen little use lately, but it's surprisingly rather clean. All three of our sporkers are a bit… confused.]

Apollo: Mr. Wright, are you feeling OK?

Phoenix: Hm, why're you asking that, 'Pollo? I just asked why Agent Lang's men aren't guarding the doors.

Trucy: But, Daddy… Lang's men haven't guarded the doors in, um, at least two years!

Phoenix: …Oh. Really? Perhaps I just didn't notice… Huh. Anyway, I bet you're both excited to continue this fanfic of ancient ruins, supernatural bracelets, and illegal romance!

Apollo: …What?

Trucy: Oh yeah, I forgot all about that fic! I knew the title sounded familiar! You didn't even notice, Polly!

Apollo: …Mr. Wright, you couldn't remember that Lang's men haven't been here for years, but remember the plot of a fic that we haven't read since, I dunno, 2012, like it was just yesterday.

Phoenix: Hmm, well, it wasn't yesterday. But it was only about three weeks ago.

Apollo: …

Trucy: …Methinks Daddy was teleported.

Apollo: Yeah, but what for?

Speakers: For a refresher, duh! We're not going to sit here and explain what happened in two chapters for free, y'know. Better off have Hobo Nick do it.

Apollo: But why didn't you teleport Trucy and me from that time period? Then you wouldn't need any explanations!

Speakers: Don't question my ways, horn-head!

Trucy: *whispers* I think the management just didn't think of it…

Speakers: FYI, we totally did. But we decided against it for continuity's sake, OK? We're smarter than you kids give us credit for. *sigh* Narrator, roll the fic!

[Sir, yes sir!]

Chapter 3

Apollo: What a great name for a title! And how appropriate too, since I have no idea what's going on.

Trucy: Daddy, are you OK? You haven't said a word since you found out you got teleported from the past…

Phoenix: …Oh, that? Meh. To be honest, I'm not too surprised. However, I don't know whether to admire or be annoyed at the management for being lazy and forcing me to remind you two about this story.

Apollo: Annoyed. You should definitely be annoyed.

"NOOO! NO NO NO NO!" I shrieked hysterically while I banged on the wall. My heart was racing. My panicked mind couldn't think clearly. All it did was repeat the same thing over and over: I'm trapped, I'm trapped, I'm trapped, I'm trapped..."Somebody help me!"

I fell onto my knees and sobbed into my hands. I didn't want to stay in the chamber forever. I wanted to live my life.

Apollo: So, Mr. Wright, would you kindly remind me what exactly is going on and why the narrator is being so melodramatic?

Phoenix: *smiles* Certainly, Apollo! And you too, Trucy. Gather around and listen close, OK?

Trucy: OK!

Apollo: (Oh boy, I forgot Mr. Wright can sometimes act like this…)

Phoenix: In the story, all three of us and the author's self-insert all end up in some ancient ruins under the agency that apparently no one has every noticed before, and these ruins were unlocked by Micki's magic bracelet. In the last chapter, we found some sort of riddle in the ruins and Micki triggered a trap by lifting some… dome or something.

Trucy: Wow, you have a good memory Daddy, you must've really been paying attention!

Phoenix: Heh heh, you should be paying attention too, Trucy. But… I guess I'll cut you two some slack since it's apparently been a few years since you've read this story.


"Apollo!" I yelled. "Is that you?"

"Yes, Mr. Wright and Trucy went to get help! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine! Scared and hysterical, but fine!"

"Well, first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and calm down!"

I took a few deep breaths. I calmed down.

"Alright, I'm calm."

Trucy: Polly! I'm ashamed! You didn't use your "I'M FINE" technique? Only some generic breathing exercises? That doesn't calm anybody!

Apollo: Hey, there's no need to get mad! It's not my fault the author chose to write me as some generic guy. Besides, you said those breathing exercises don't calm anybody down, but it clearly worked for Micki.

Trucy: That's because she's generic, too.

Apollo: Well, I can't really argue with that…

"Is there anything on the wall that could lead to an escape route?"

I felt the wall. No indents. No secret buttons. No holes.


Apollo didn't reply. I sighed. I noticed the charm had a clasp.

"I wonder how it'll look on my bracelet," I said out loud.

Apollo: Oh, come on! You're trapped in ancient ruins with no way to escape! Now's not the time to look for new fashion accessories!

Trucy: But, Polly… that charm looks really pretty…

Phoenix: There's no harm in letting her look at new bracelet charms. She doesn't know how long she's going to stay stuck in there, after all.

Apollo: Wow, Mr. Wright. That got… kind of dark?

Phoenix: Nah, we'll definitely help her. She might be annoying, but I wouldn't leave her there to die.

Apollo: How… reassuring.

I clipped the dragon charm to my bracelet. There was a bright yellow flash of light, then everything went dark again. I swore right after that a heard a voice whisper "Well done".

"Micki, what was that?" asked Apollo.

"Just a flash of light when I clipped the charm to my bracelet."

Apollo: W-What…? I thought she was trapped in some enclosed space with walls and I was stuck outside trying to help her. How could I see that flash of light, then?

Trucy: Hmmm… Maybe, you're stuck on the ceiling…?

Apollo: …That doesn't make any sense.

Phoenix: The only way to fix this contradiction is if… maybe the walls don't go all the way up to the ceiling and stop mid-way? That way, Apollo could still possibly see a flash of light above him if it was bright enough.

Apollo: …I guess that makes a bit more sense.

Trucy: Ooh, then you just have to climb the wall to save her!

Apollo: !!! Up that height? No, thanks!

Phoenix: *looking pale* Yeah… don't look at me, Trucy. You're the one who'll have to do it.

Trucy: No fair…

I expected something else to happen. When it didn't, I punched the wall. Then I fell face first onto the ground.

Phoenix: Well that was… anticlimactic, I'll say. At least we're all free of having to climb walls.

Apollo: Yeah, and the wall was so weak that she could just punch her way through it. And I like her logic, by the way. Nothing happens? Punch walls!

Trucy: Maybe she's wrong and something did happen! The charm gave her some super strength to break through walls. Like the hulk!

Apollo: But the hulk has to get angry in order to get strong…


"Micki, are you okay?"

I looked up and saw Apollo's concerned face. I was out of the chamber.

"HALLELUJIAH! I'M OUT!" I exclaimed, jumping up off the ground.

"I can see that. Is there something in your fist?"

I looked down at my left hand. There was a piece of paper in my fist.

Apollo: Huh? How did that happen? You know what, never mind. No explanation will probably make sense, anyway.

Phoenix: Now you're learning, Apollo. It's better not to ask questions with these fics.

Trucy: But you always said it was a lawyer's nature to always ask questions, Daddy.

Phoenix: *smirks* I guess that explains why I'm not a lawyer anymore.

Trucy: *whispers to Apollo* Should we tell him?

Apollo: *whispers* Nah, he'll find out eventually.

Phoenix: …?

"Micki, you're okay!" Trucy screamed in delight as she ran down the stairs.

She hugged me so tight I had trouble breathing.

"You guys couldn't find anyone?" I asked, looking over at Phoenix.

"It's kind of hard to find someone that believes a sophomore in high school got locked in a magical secret chamber in a ruined basement you didn't know you had," Phoenix replied with a half-grin on his face.

Apollo" *deadpan* I wonder why.

Phoenix: Yeah, right? Who wouldn't believe that? If it were me, I would've been running to help right away.

Apollo: …I know you're being sarcastic, but I could actually imagine you doing that.

Phoenix: Tsk tsk, Apollo. I might've done that when I was young, but I'm much more grown and mature now!

Apollo: (Yeah… right…)

"Point taken, you couldn't find anyone," I said.

Trucy had let go of me. I unfolded the piece of paper in my hand.

"Don't get bewildered, that was just a test. Your whimsical friend unlocks the next gate," I read. "I guess there's a different person for each test."

"Whimsical friend..." wondered Phoenix.

"It's obviously your daughter," I said.

"Me?" Trucy looked at me in shock.

Trucy: Oooh, that means I get to go on an adventure!

Phoenix: No, I don't like the sound of this. You think I'm just going to let you run off into suspicious ancient ruins and spells with a friend who is clearly a bad influence on you and made you lie to me?

Trucy: Bad influence? I seem okay in this story…

Phoenix: Do you remember when you swore, acted overall bratty to me and your teacher, and lied to me?

Trucy: *thinks* Hmmm, I guess that did happen… But still, I'll be safe! I bet fic-Daddy is going to let me go!

"The note refers to my friend, and you're the most whimsical person I know," I explained.

"What if something happens to her like what happened to you?" Phoenix questioned harshly.

Trucy: Awww…

Phoenix: Hm, well it seems that fic-me is responsible. Good! I was getting worried for a sec, hahaha.

Apollo: Yeah, he seems more responsible than the real you.

Phoenix: …I admit that I'm a bit more laid back than I probably should be… but I think I'm fairly responsible of Trucy.

Apollo: In what way is leaving her with me half the time considered "responsible?"

Phoenix: *smiles* That means I trust you, Apollo. Consider it a compliment. However, I don't exactly trust this Micki girl…

Trucy: See, Polly? Daddy thinks very highly of you! You just have to trust him!

Apollo: …

"It was just a test, and I survived. Trucy is brave and has gotten into dangerous situations that require quick thinking. She'd survive anything you throw at her," I smiled at Trucy. She smiled back.

"Come on, I haven't been on any adventures in awhile, Dad, this could be awesome!" exclaimed Trucy.

"Both you and Apollo could also be in the prophecy," I pointed out. "You never know. Trucy and I are in, though."

Phoenix sighed. "I'll come."

"I guess I'll come," Apollo agreed reluctantly.

Apollo: Fic-you is a bit more responsible, but you're still letting her go.

Phoenix: But I'm also going with her, that makes a big difference. And you get to come along too, Apollo! Aren't you excited?

Apollo: Stoked.

Phoenix: Glad to hear it!

Apollo: (I hate when he deliberately turns off his sarcasm detector…)

I swear, I ran out of the ruins and out of Mr. Wright's room faster than I ever did in the track meets. I jumped onto the couch in the agency.

Trucy: Um, this sentence seems dumb. It's not like she told us how well she does on the track team. For all we know, she could be the slowest member on the team.

Apollo: Did she even tell us that she did track at all before?

Phoenix: I don't remember. But if Edgeworth was here, he would say that it is important to establish things previously or else the audience wouldn't have any reason to care or understand what you haven't told them.

Apollo: Well, he's not here, so we can just say that this is poor writing and leave it at that.

[The group discusses the note and Trucy and Micki bring up their field trip that they'll be going on on Friday. Phoenix and Apollo agree to chaperone just in case they find something helpful.]

Apollo: Why would I chaperone this field trip? It's not like I'm anyone's guardian!

Speakers: Actually, the fic specifies that Phoenix would be going as Trucy's chaperone, and you'll be going as Micki's because he father can't make it.

Apollo: Great. I'm going to chaperone some fifteen year old girl I'd literally just met because…?

Phoenix: In case you find anything important.

Apollo: If we do find anything relating to these spiritual bracelet's there, then that would just be convenient.

Trucy: Well, everything's always convenient in the games. Lawyer attends a meeting, there's a murder! Lawyer goes to the circus, there's a murder! Lawyer goes to a concert, there's a murder! That's how the two of you got most of your cases!

Speakers: The management would like to remind Trucy Wright that breaking the fourth wall is strictly forbidden. This is your only warning.

Trucy: O-Only warning? I don't like the sound of that…

Phoenix: …Just be sure not to break the fourth wall anymore. OK, Trucy-doll?

"So we're going to the museum?"

I swear, that was the fourth time Phoenix asked that on the subway ride. By some messed up math my school figured that making us buy subway tickets would be cheaper than renting a bus, since the museum was downtown. They were correct, because we had to pay for it.

Phoenix: But what about all your everyday people who always take the subway? They’ll have one subway packed with nothing but school kids. Where are the regular people going to go?

Apollo: Maybe they can take a bus instead.

Trucy: But Polly, then all the people who usually take the bus would have no where to go because all the people who take the subway would be in their place. Then where would the bus people go?

Apollo: …I'm done with this argument. No matter how I phrase it, it's a losing argument.

Phoenix: I'm disappointed Apollo. Is that the kind of spirit a lawyer should have?

Apollo: This is a completely pointless argument! Narrator, go onto the next part of the fic!

Speakers: Hey, you can't just give the narra-

He's just trying to piss us off, isn't he?

"Yes, that's what I'm trying to do, Micki," Phoenix said with a smirk.

"What the-? How did you-"

"Don't ask. He does that do me all the time," Apollo interrupted.

Phoenix: Do what, read minds? *grins* I learned from the best.

Trucy: From Ms. Mia, right?

Phoenix: Sort of, it was more like the entire Fey clan. You better believe that I was incredibly creeped out at first, too.

Apollo: (Who wouldn't be?)

I noticed Apollo had been staring out the window most of the ride.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"I don't do well in cars or buses... or planes or boats or subways."

Trucy: I didn't know you got motion sickness, Polly!

Apollo: That's because I don't.

Trucy: Really?

Apollo: …OK, only once in a really great while. Like a rollercoaster, or something.

So that's why he rides a bike everywhere...

"Do you need water or something?" I questioned.

"I'm fine, Micki!" Apollo exclaimed quickly.

Everyone looked at me to see what I did. I felt my face turn redder than a cherry.

Curiosity killed the cat... and caused me major embarrassment

Apollo: I don't really get why everyone's staring, why she's so embarrassed, or why fic-me even snapped at her like that.

Trucy: That's because you don't understand teenage girls, Polly.

Apollo: What's that supposed to mean? That's only an answer to one of the three questions I asked!

Trucy: …I dunno, it just sounded witty in my head.

Phoenix: And Apollo? You do snap pretty easily. You just snapped at Trucy just now.

Trucy: Yeah! You should apologize!

Apollo: *sigh*

Everyone seemed pretty uninterested and looked away. Then it got extremely loud on the subway. I leaned back onto my seat, wondering how long it's going to take to get to the museum.

"Another hour and a half," Phoenix said.


He smirked and looked away. I rolled my eyes. I looked over at Trucy, who was playing a game on her phone. She sat next to the window.

Leaving me to sit next to a sarcastic, teasing, grape-juice addicted hobo.

Phoenix: Also known as the best person to sit next to, thank you very much. *takes a swig of grape juice*

Apollo: Right… Anyway, is it just me, or is this chapter getting awfully boring? It just seems too… slice-of-life-y right now.

Trucy: Ooooh, an anime term! Letting you inner weeb out, Polly?

Apollo: That term is not exclusive to anime and manga, it can be used to describe films and books, too.

For some reason, there's a subway station by our school, so we had to ride all across LA to get there. I took out a gameboy color (Yes, I have one of those in 2027. I like playing older video games) and a gameboy camera (please read what I said before). I was bored so I took pixilated pictures of Apollo, Phoenix, who had fallen asleep, Trucy and myself. I saw the run button and I remember the scare it gave me whenever I got one of those faces.

Perfect prank!

I moved the cursor over to the run button and I turned the volume up all the way. It played its annoying mock role-play music.

"Hey Apollo, I know what will make you feel better," I said loud enough so he could hear me.

"I'm fine, Micki," he answered.

Apollo: So now we're fooling around with an old Gameboy? Wow, the author must really be trying to wear this chapter thin.

Phoenix: …I kind of agree with how you called this scene "slice of life." And yes, it is boring.

Apollo: Can we just skip all this useless fodder, management?

Speakers: Hmmm, let me think. How about… no.

Apollo: (It was worth a shot…)

"Are you sure? You wanna pull a prank?"

"On who?"


"Keep talking."

I smirked. "You've heard of the gameboy camera, right?"

"Heard of it, and those faces."

"Turn around."

Apollo spike-horns shot up like rockets when he saw my gameboy and the camera.

Apollo: Hey, my hair does not express emotions!

Phoenix: *laughs* That was a pretty funny to see, hahaha!

Trucy: *laughs* Yeah, I should come up with a magic routine to get your hair to do that. It'd be a hit, haha!

Apollo: Yeah, real funny. Laugh it up, guys.

"How did you-"


"Right... so what do we do?"

I whispered my plan to Apollo.

"I'll do it," volunteered Apollo. "But what if it doesn't work?"

"It'll work."

Apollo: I really think this is the most useless scene I've ever seen in a fanfic. And no, I'm not exaggerating.

Trucy: C'mon, this isn't useless, Polly! It gave us some new insight into the main character. Like that she liked to collect retro games, apparently.

Apollo: Yeah, that's about as useful as us knowing that she does track.

Trucy: But the fun dynamics with the characters in this scene get us to familiarize with them and care about them! If something bad happens to Micki in the story, then you'd argue that you had no incentive to care. Right, Daddy?

Phoenix: Hmm, I say you both have good arguments, so you both win!

Apollo: (Well, you certainly are the most lax judge in the world…)

Apollo grabbed my camera and stuck it by Phoenix's ear. He pressed the A button. I heard the disturbing music, so I knew the face popped up instead of that equator message. Phoenix's eyes blinked open.

"What the-" he turned and saw the face. "HOLY SHIT!"

Trucy: Oooh, now it's your turn to put a quarter in the swear jar, Daddy! Pay up!

Phoenix: Ehh, alright. I must follow the rules after all…

Apollo: Where did that swear jar come from?

Trucy: My magic panties are a-

Apollo: Right, right, right, you don't need to remind me! How could I forget, hahaha…

Phoenix got so scared he almost crushed Trucy against the window.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Trucy asked, panicky. "You almost smashed me!"

Phoenix regained his hobo composure.

"I'm fine Trucy. It was just a prank."

I winked at Trucy. She glared at me.

"Sorry. I didn't know he'd react like that," I mouthed.
She pouted and looked away. I expected that. I turned to Apollo, who was fooling around with my gameboy.

"Hey, Pollo, where'd, you get that?" Phoenix asked. "I haven't seen those since I was a kid."

"Actually, it's mine," I answered him. "You had one?"

"I have it lying around here somewhere," Phoenix responded. "But I remember that gameboy camera all too well."

"It scared you?"

"I passed out from shock when I was six. And that music kept playing."

Phoenix: I would not pass out from something silly like that!

Apollo: I personally have no idea what those faces look like, so I can't argue if you would or not.

Trucy: I don't either, so yeah, we believe you. The Gameboy was meant for kids, right? It can't be that scary, right?

Apollo: Yeah, and considering how old that was, the graphics probably weren't the best. So we're with you, Mr. Wright!

Phoenix: Apollo…

Apollo: However, if I ever do see what those faces are like, well…

Phoenix: You have all the permission to make fun of me. Trucy and I poked fun at you a little too much today, I admit.

Trucy: But that's only because you're so easy to tease! It's all in good fun, though. I promise! We never want to make you uncomfortable…

Phoenix: Yeah, I was always the one who got teased the most, so I understand.

Trucy: You still do though, Daddy. At least when you're around Mr. Edgeworth, and Maya, and Ms. von Karma, and…

Phoenix: *sweats* Yeah, I get it Trucy.

Apollo: …(I know they never mean any harm, but… it's nice to hear them acknowledge it and apologize, once in a while.)

Phoenix shuddered. I couldn't help but giggle.

"Jeez, I didn't realize they were that bad," said Apollo.

"It's not that they were bad," I told him. "Okay, they were bad and disturbing, but it's the fact they gave them to little kids. I didn't get scared, but I was twelve when I first got the faces."

The three of us talked like this for awhile until we arrived at the museum.

[The lights come on.]

Trucy: Wait, that's it?

Phoenix: Yep, anticlimactic and boring, right? Apollo was right about this being a mostly useless and boring chapter. Almost everything after getting out of the ruins felt a bit like a waste of time.

Trucy: Why did we even come back to this fic, then?

Phoenix: *shrugs* Ask the management, I guess.

Apollo: …Thank you, Mr. Wright. For apologizing. I was never mad, but it was nice to hear you say it.

Phoenix: *smiles* Don't mention it, Apollo. Now how about I buy you two dinner? I think we all need a break.

Apollo: That'd be great, thank you.

Speakers: Sorry to rain on your sappy forgiveness parade, but Phoenix has to go back to his timeline, remember?

Phoenix: Huh. I actually forgot that I came from a different year.

Apollo: (Only he could ever forget something like that…)

[Before anyone could say anything more, a blue light filled the room and when it cleared, Phoenix was gone.]

Trucy: Aww, he even offered us dinner, and he never does that! How are we going to get dinner now?

Apollo: Umm… (Please spare my wallet, just this once. Please?)

Trucy: I know! I'll tell current Daddy that he owes us! He made an irresponsible promise in the past and now he has to honor it! Yeah, that always works! C'mon, Polly! Time for dinner!

Apollo: Coming! (Wait, what did she mean by "that always works?")

[And so, another fantastic sporking comes to an end in our sporking theatre! See you all next time! And hey, do you think Phoenix could buy me dinner, too? I'm starving!]

Speakers: Not a chance, narrator.


Author:  Southern Corn [ Fri Mar 16, 2018 9:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Pretty fun to read overall, though maybe you should've put in another chapter since, as you said, this was just kind of filler. Still, pretty good. I always enjoy the dynamic between the AJ characters. Not sure what the different thing was either, though maybe that's just me.

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